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Dear Chump Lady, He says he cheated to protect me

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Dear Chump Lady,

My STBX got caught over 3 years ago in an affair. The truth came out that he had cheated with about 25 different people during the six years we had been married at that point. We tried reconciliation and for 3 years he did good. And then he cheated again with a coworker. We tried working it out for 3 months and then I caught him trying to start an affair with another coworker through a secret texting app on his phone. I ended things right then and there. We have to live together until I’m done with school and it’s been rough.

We recently had a conversation where he actually cried (never seen that before) and told me that he realized after DDay 2 that he could never be faithful and forced me to end the relationship by doing something he knew he would be caught at (secretly texting on a phone he knew I would check).

He then said he was trying to protect me from wasting my life on him because he knew he’d only hurt me again. That he still loves me, misses me, and already regrets letting me go, but that he knows it’s for the best and doesn’t want to ever get back together because I deserve a better man than him. He even admitted that he knew his life was going to be empty and probably filled with misery, but he not only accepts it, but welcomes the pain as his “emotional penance” for all the suffering he’s caused me.

I guess my question is, is this all bullshit? What the hell does he mean and what the hell does he want from me? Is he trying to keep me hooked on him or is he setting himself up to look like a “good guy” so I’ll be more compliant during the time we live together or during the divorce that will be coming up in a few years?

He’s willing to give me time and space, is pretty flexible with working with me on taking care of the kids we share, and seems content to play with his other women and leave me alone. I haven’t seen any rage or self pity, yet, so is this him using his charm to just stay on my good side?

Honestly, he’s just confusing me. Please un-bullshit this for me so I can see it more clearly.

Sincerely,

StrongerThanHeEverThought

Dear Stronger,

Good grief. You know what’s worse than the Sad Sausage act? The Noble Sausage.

Oh no, he wasn’t hurting you. Sexting his coworker was all a clever subterfuge to protect you! He couldn’t use his words to say he’s Cheaty McHorndog, you had to intuit it. Because… honor. The code of Knights Templar of Douchebags prevents him. He was thinking of you all along!

Dear God woman, YES, this is bullshit.

I mean, you might need a primer on bullshit, because clearly your sirens aren’t working. Twenty-five women in six years? That’s a prodigious amount of extramarital shtupping. Then he screws up an entire stretch of fidelity (months? weeks? hours?) with another affair with a co-worker? Does his dick ever rest? Perhaps he needs a rub down and a bag of oats like they give race horses. Or a glue factory for retired sex addicts.

I don’t know, but Stronger — you took him back twice. What exactly did you think you had to work with here? I want to give you credit for “ending it then and there” but you’re still living with him and refer to a divorce in a few years? WTF?

Take some of that tuition and spend some of it on an attorney who can advise you about temporary orders and child support. There’s more to this story than mindfuckery (more on that in a moment) — you sound utterly dependent on him. That needs to change. Talk to the legions of chumps on this site who left while pregnant, with small children, in the middle of chemotherapy…

Escape is NOT impossible. Yes, lining up ducks can take awhile, but you need to stop predicating your future on him. He is TELLING you he is not husband and father material. He is TELLING you he cannot be honest or faithful. He leaves you alone to “play” with his other women. You really think this is sustainable for YEARS?

It’s not. Make a plan. He cannot be relied upon. Get in front of this.

Now to the mindfuckery.

He then said he was trying to protect me from wasting my life on him because he knew he’d only hurt me again.

People who want to protect you, don’t express themselves by harming you. If I shit on your spinach, I can’t say I’m trying to protect you from eColi.

There is only one truth here — he will hurt you.

That he still loves me, misses me, and already regrets letting me go, but that he knows it’s for the best and doesn’t want to ever get back together because I deserve a better man than him.

He regrets nothing. Who we are is how we act. He’s already moved on with other women. He’s never stopped being with other women.

You do deserve better than him, that’s true, but if he felt you deserved better, he wouldn’t have wasted nearly a decade of your precious life.

He fucked you over, and now presents it now as For The Best.

How magnanimous of him. What’s his next party trick? Rebranding venereal disease?

He even admitted that he knew his life was going to be empty and probably filled with misery, but he not only accepts it, but welcomes the pain as his “emotional penance” for all the suffering he’s caused me.

I can think of many things he should concuss himself with seeing as he “welcomes pain”…

His life isn’t empty. It’s full of dating profiles and coworker fucking. He probably needs a social secretary. He doesn’t cheat with 25 women in six years because he is miserable. He ENJOYS it. Or he wouldn’t go back for second, third, and twenty-sixth helpings.

This guy wants “penance”? Terrific. He’ll be thrilled with support orders. Throw in some ashes, sackcloth, and a cudgel for flagellating his dick.

Stronger, be stronger. Yes, he is bullshitting you.

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I hate 2x4s
    Are you sure he didn’t marry for clean laundry? So many affair partners and we know you were there making home a home. I hate cheaters. Mine said he loved me. It took 25 years to learn he loved how I made him look, what I did for him, how his life worked with me doing everything. Be Free Fellow Chump

    • This exactly. My X actually told me he married me so I would cook and clean for him and have sex with him (as a back-up sex partner I suppose). I do not think it is uncommon at all.

      • My ex sent me an email shortly after Dday saying that he married me because he knew I would take good care of him, our home, and any children we might have. I was never anything beyond maid and nanny. Of course, turned out his preference was for sex with other men.

  • This is up there with my Cheater’ s insistence that he didn’t tell me about his cheating and stealing because he was protecting me. If he really wanted to protect me, how about fidelity and honesty?

  • Wow, this is a huge pile of BS!! What a dick! I hope you don’t stay in the house with him, because basically he’s taking you for a ride. He has his cake and is eating it too. He has you to do the hard yards with the children and house, while he still gets to live at home and still head out to shag anything that’ll have him. He really has it good.
    My advice? See a lawyer who can let you know what your rights are. At least then you can start planning for YOUR future, not a future dictated by that douchebag.

    • My jaw is on the floor.
      I can only stutter in letters or short words.

      OMFG
      GTFO STBX*
      SOS
      NOW

      • *shit box

        PS…got my jaw up….

        I don’t care what he means. If I need spreadsheets and my secret decoder ring to try to figure out what’s going on, I need to LEAVE.

        Staying in a burning house and trying to find out how the fire started only has one ending.

  • Some people, cheaters especially, have a pathological need to be seen as a good person despite demonstrable evidence to the contrary. He’s framing this in the light that makes him look the best he can look under the circumstances, which is as the victim. That’s the closest he can get to good guy right now because he’s been caught. So he will do whatever it takes through image management and spin to make sure he comes out looking like the wounded party instead. He’s devastated and self flagellating and deserves pain…he’s dark and mysterious and misunderstood, and fate has shackled him with this need to cheat…
    Oh how cruel the fates are that he is helpless to his condition! Oh, and since it’s unavoidable and all, he’s sorry that this force he’s not responsible for has brought you pain! Gah.

    I’m sorry, but it isn’t real. He has agency. He had an ethical decision making tree with hundreds or thousands of opportunities to choose to show you compassion and ‘free you’, and he never once did until he was caught. He is a grade-A selfish lowlife and he seems to have been just fine to have you hang on in the dark for YEARS. Invest in him. Feed him soup. Have his children.
    That is cruel and shameful and you have every right to be outraged. Hoping once the shock wears off and you see he’s done something abhorrent and despicable to you and your children, you will be able to better focus on their (legal) protection and and your own.

    We all understand the shock and difficulty of shifting from ‘the man I love’ to ‘lawyers and devastated children’. No one wants to beat you down here, just help you see the light. I’m so, so sorry for what you’re going through.

    The most troubling part of this is that he sounds very much like the cheaters from hundreds of other stories we’ve read on this site. It seems like he doesn’t have a problem with his life or choices at all, just that at the end of the day, everyone still sees him in the best light possible so he can charm and snake his way into more situations that benefit him, and him alone.

    • Bingo: “Some people, cheaters especially, have a pathological need to be seen as a good person despite demonstrable evidence to the contrary”

      This is the one common characteristics in all the word salads, blameshifting, and twisting. They want to come out as the good person.

      “I only ate the cookies, because I knew you wanted to lose weight and I did not want you to be tempted.”
      “I am only late, because I stopped by at the store to buy the stuff you asked for.”
      “I did not clean the kitchen and get the kids to bed on time, because I needed to pay the bills.”

      There is always a justification. Always an excuse.
      And of course they are good people. It is of course us that make life so hard for them, because all of our needs and demands force them to act in an unethical way. It is us that make them cheat, lie, be late, be selfish…, because we are never clear about what out priorities are, so they are so confused that the HAVE to choose the wrong path. Sarcasm off.

    • Thank you, Honey and CL. This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear today.

      I told my STBX to leave and filed after what I think of as D-Day #2 (D-Day #1 was the revelation of texts saying “I love you,” making plans for the holidays, etc., but with no evidence of a physical relationship… I knew something wasn’t right, and, welp, it didn’t take long for the rest to out, right before Thanksgiving). I still couldn’t believe that he was throwing a nine-year relationship away for a coworker, especially one who had bonded with him because he supported her through an abortion after her affair with *another* married man.

      I wrote to him a couple of weeks after he moved out to ask if he wanted to pursue couples counseling, because if not, I wanted to move forward with divorce. He wrote back a semi-rambling email in which he described himself as “pathologically accommodating,” and said he was scared that if we pursued couples counseling, he’d say and do what I and the counselor wanted, only to resent and disappoint me later.

      While I appreciated that glimmer of self-awareness (and have since amended our case from a separation to a divorce on my own), the thing that really galls me – and still hurts – is that this vision of himself as a martyr to everyone else’s whims and needs never truly included me. It never included our mutual friends, either, as he’s ghosted most of them in the wake of all of this. (I’ve learned that he’s lied about the situation to some of them and to his family, blaming it on my “unhappiness” with nary a mention of the other woman.) No, he’s only accommodating to those who believe him to be a white knight, or their “perfect” son or colleague. Those of us who actually have needs that need to be accommodated – and who have seen him as a person, not some kind of savior figure – have to be deceived, and gaslit, and discredited, so that he can convince himself and others who know him in more limited ways that he’s a saint.

      “You do deserve better than him, that’s true, but if he felt you deserved better, he wouldn’t have wasted nearly a decade of your precious life.

      He fucked you over, and now presents it now as For The Best.”

      Indeed. What BS.

      • Welcome to the MO of the covert narcissist. Poor him. Has spent his time accommodating everyone else because he doesn’t know who he really is. Takes on the persona of whomever he is with, until she slights him once to often and she falls off the pedestal, then the process of discarding comes into play.

        Now he just needs to go be himself (with someone else) and do something that makes him happy for once (with someone else). He’s given up so much of himself for others, now it’s his time.

        Let him have his time (ironically with someone else) and become someone else’s problem.

      • I think the word my stbx used was ‘bitch’. Yes he said he’d become my bitch after he was outed as it meant that he was expected to be sorry and show remorse… Maybe some penance thrown in. I loved it when he forgot to gag himself. The revelations were always epic.

    • Listen to Honey – spot on assessment.

      Stronger – You will see that as soon as you drop his sorry ass, he’ll turn completely nasty. He’s placating you because having you around is still benefiting him in some way. He knows what he’s doing is terrible to you, so he might have a momentary attack of conscience (I mean a millisecond conscience) and to make himself feel better, he says some things he thinks are nice and he can feel like a “not-so-bad” guy.

      Forget it. Get a lawyer and start lining up your ducks. You don’t need to hang on to him to afford school. You need alimony to pay for school.

      Get out.

      In the meantime, no contact him in the home completely. Don’t know if you are sharing a bed. Get out of it. Designate a spot in the house that is your own and get a lock on the door of that room until you are out.

      You don’t mention kids, so I will assume there aren’t any. If so, you’re in an even better position to get out of this and do just fine. Do not stick around just because of school. Your mental and physical health is not worth the price you are paying for this continued manipulation.

      Mine said all kinds of “nice” things too. I am such an amazing person. I am not better than the OW. He married me because I check all the boxes of what you could want in a wife. I am the best mother ever. He know people will all think he’s crazy for leaving me to be with this other woman. As soon as I grey rocked him when he left for good (we’ve got kids, so conversation is strictly business only about the kids and mostly by email), and he completely changed his tune. Spent months telling anyone who would listen how I was a terrible wife who did nothing but control everything all the years we were married and I did nothing but make him feel worthless all of these years.

      Well, one year later, no one believes his bullshit. I have the full support of his family and have maintained my friendships with all the wives of his friends who became my friends (the wives can’t stand to be around him and he has yet to actually bring the OW to any functions – she’s still the dirty secret).

      Life is better. You will be better for it. Get out.

      • OptionNoMore is absolutely correct. Once they see the end coming they get nasty, threatening and belligerent too. Start your exit plan to avoid what I went through. In hindsight, I should have had an exit plan and just moved out as soon as I could.

      • “Forget it. Get a lawyer and start lining up your ducks. You don’t need to hang on to him to afford school. You need alimony to pay for school.”

        What you said.

        My daughter stayed with her cheating low-life sad sack husband while she was in school. He couldn’t bear it that she was succeeding when he refused to try. So he sabotaged her school work. He distracted her from studying, and kept her up at night.

        The result: Two weeks before graduating with a 4-year degree in nursing she was told that she would get a failing grade in Clinicals (her third failure, all of them tied to him). Therefore she was expelled from the program, would have to wait a year before applying to re-enroll, and would have to repeat the entire 2-year clinical portion.

        She never did. Now she’s a struggling single mother if 2 preschoolers, with unpaid student loans, living in a one bedroom apartment that’s all she can afford.

        He was a piece of trash who wouldn’t lift himself up, but he was very proficient at taking other people down. And as soon as he brought her down he abandoned her.

        • AC – I am so saddened for your daughter. I hope that she will be re-inspired and find a way to still fulfill her dream.

  • DD1, 10 years into marriage, my X said he prayed every Sunday in church that God would forgive him for what he did.

    DD2, year 17 and after multiple affairs, lying and covert behavior, he said he had a “sex addiction problem” and if I’d give him one more chance, he’d get help, do whatever necessary to change.
    Cue 2 years of RIC, individual, couples and (him) group counseling. Yes, it was a lot of counseling!
    He recommitted to our marriage and our family and promised he would never betray my trust again.

    DD3 – Final DD, after 34 years of marriage, multiple promises to change, years of counseling, almost a library of self-help books, prayer, changing myself to an almost unrecognizable state and my aggressive cancer diagnosis I kicked X out for good.

    Cheaters cheat! No amount of help changes them into a unicorn.

    3 years ago, I decided to end my time with a lying cheater who was slowly killing me.

    My cheater-free life at present:
    -1 year NED (no evidence of disease/cancer).
    -Almost 3 years of No contact aka peace and serenity.
    -3 years of counseling to increase my odds of never being taken by a narcissist, sociopath or psychopath again.
    -Currently long staying in Bali pursuing joy, creativity, self-care & love.

    Life is so much better sans cheaters! Grateful I decided I was worth more than his lies, future promises and disease.

    The sooner you get a cheater out of your life, the sooner it gets better.

    Namaste 🙏 CN

  • Flaggelatting his dick…..now I know what to get my ex for Christmas, a cudgel! Brilliant Chump Lady, I nearly died laughing! I got similar bullshit so this struck a chord!

  • “Rebrand venereal disease!”Hilarious CL I love it.
    Kick him to the kerb and move on, no one deserves that sort of treatment.
    You go Stronger and be mighty

  • Oh CL I do love you when you come up with another title to nail certain types of Cheater behaviour.

    My exhole is definitely a Noble Sausage, a Knight of the Templar of Douchebags, who with honour and valour bravely kept turning up to brothels in his lunch hour, and gay clubs if he had a bit more time up his sleeve/trouser leg. For ten years.

    All because awful angry controlling sexless Wife wasn’t there for him. (Started when 4th child was babe in arms, married 22 years). So rather than end the marriage, he did his chivalrous best to keep the family together by having his physical needs met. Because he wanted to be there for his children, to nurture and protect them (as he wrote in a letter to the eldest, aged 20). It’s so simple really.

    Sometimes, I’m sure, he just wanted to sit quietly and eat his sandwich, read the paper, but no, he kept dragging himself in to visit prostitutes, or into dark rooms with plenty of strange cock and gloryholes, because of his noble love for the family.

    It all makes absolutely perfect sense to the woman he now proclaims “The Love of My Life” – formerly a beloved close friend of mine. In her bed 9 months after Dday, 6 months after giving up on trying to get me to let him come home. Yuk.

    Now 21 months post Dday and very close to Meh. (The big job is helping the kids get there.)

    Ok so, Stronger, my main message is:
    What on earth do you think you are teaching your children? Defer your studies, whatever. You can get another bite at that cherry but your kids only have ONE childhood!! Get yourself and them the Hell Out, get that twisted cruel piece of dirt out of your system, model to the kids what is not acceptable and Claim Your Worth!!

  • Read what MamaMeh has written and then re-read it. Get a lawyer, get him the fuck out and go no contact. You all deserve better than this diseased pos. Your children are watching and learning!

  • My EX narc is still with the OW 5 years in, 1 year since we were divorced, and 3 years since separation. He still talks of regret, and that he «will always love me». I am happily engaged to a great fellow chump and couldn’t care less about EX’s regrets or feelings.
    He flopped back and forth for 2 years with me after Dday, and made my life a living hell.
    Therapy, minimal contact, and a lawyer was my only salvation.
    After all this time, he still recounts this «situation» as «something he couldn’t stop».
    My point is, it will never get «better». Lawyer up, and get out of there before you and your kids are more damaged. My kids survived, and so did I, there’s nothing to wait for.
    Godspeed, and know that this is your first step to freedom!

    • Amen! So much better not being all tangled up inside trying to figure them out or find a way to lived with the past hurt or the confusion that continues to surrround them.

    • You know, he’s probably right on many accounts, Kitty. He couldn’t “stop” himself because he’s a weak-minded fool. He regrets he lost you because you are fantastic and he couldn’t keep it together for you.

      He sucks.

      You’ve now got an amazing future ex-chump who gets you. I’ve been casually dating an ex-chump too. We’re both on the same page about taking it really easy, enjoying our companionship and having someone of the opposite sex around who understands what we’ve been through. What a difference in the feel of this man, who is so tuned in to wanting to do the right thing, being respectful and up-front, and validating of what a great person I am. He’s pretty terrific too.

      • Indeed, Option!
        The differences are night and day! Only a fellow chump would know how to make us feel safe, and being treated like a queen is amazing!
        Yes, you’re right. He sucks. Regrets? I have N O N E. Him? All too many.

  • Good grief!! I notice the UBT didn’t take this cheater’s reasoning on. Probably too early in the year.

    Stronger, I finally met a Chump in my category of chumpiness. Get out!! You deserve better. Even your sparkledick idiot sees you are a good woman. And believe CL and CN when we say It gets better AND BETTER!!! Take Care!

  • When my partner lied about where he stayed when he missed the train one night and I found out as I tracked him via his phone. That was to ‘protect’ me that he lied. And you will never guess what he stayed on the sofa fully clothed. With, you will never guess who, the OW as it turns out. He didn’t want to tell me where he was though because he knew it would cause hurt or be misunderstood while I was up looking after dad 3 times a day dying of cancer.

    They sink so low in order to try to gloss over or normalise what they are doing. Don’t fall for one word of it. They are disgusting, you are not.

    Remember that.

    • Ha!
      After the last d day (5…ugh) and my ex moved out defending to the ground that there was really nobody else. I found “nobody else” at his house 1 day after he moved out. I then found over two years of late night texting and calls to “nobody else”.
      He swears to this day that they didn’t sleep together till after he moved out because that would of been wrong.

      I feel like a complete moron for buying his bullshit for so long.

      • Me too @Paintwidow, me too. STBX insisted there was nobody else 3 times. I knew otherwise and found the phone records and receipts post Dday. There were several OW’s, but OW#1 was introduced to our mutual friends* as ‘someone he was seeing’ within 3 months. He spent weekends at her ‘summer home’, ya, just with a group of friends… He’s living with her now. ‘Nobody else’ my ass!
        I forewarned mutual friends that when he starts to talk about “Beth”, she is the one he’s been seeing for years… just so ya’ll know! Whole lot of truth started to become obvious. Image management blown. yes.

      • Me three.

        HIM: My leaving has nothing to do with her. I would leave anyways.
        TRUTH: Maintained almost daily emails with the OW for the last few months detailing all the steps he was taking to end the marriage to be with her. All the while attending a couple’s therapy weekend with me, swearing he will do whatever it takes to save the marriage, apologizing to family member – and then the “anxiety” kicked in and he started to pull back.

        HIM: They had just met each other a couple of months before and he did some accounting work for her only. (When I first discovered her existence).
        TRUTH: She had already been around about seven months by that point.

        HIM: We never had sex. I only slept on the couch and then I slept beside her a few times. Nothing happened.
        TRUTH: Sex (probably erectile dysfunction medication put to use).

        HIM: I’m not seeing her now that I’ve left. There’s no time. Besides, I don’t even have money to date anyone. I’m broke.
        TRUTH: He stays at her night every night that he doesn’t have the kids. He does nothing with the kids other than watch tv, let them on electronics or have dinner with his parents because he uses his money on the OW. Kids have about 4 changes of clothing at his house that they are out-growing, even though he has them about 40% of the time. Christmas just came and went, no new clothing other than pjs from family. I’ve been paying for everything. Dropped something off at his house a couple of months ago and was told to let myself in his garage. About 8 cases of empty beer (in Canada, that’s about $70 a case) and about 50-60 empty bottles of wine (at about $15-20 a bottle). All accumulated during the limited time he actually spend at his own place. Great.

  • Penance: signed divorce decree, quitclaim on the house, alimony support, child support, gtfo of house, and 3 Hail Marys.

  • Stronger you can and you must get to a lawyer and do not let him know! You will see this nice and sweet act gone. He thinks you are sticking around for a few years? Let him think it. Do you really think the only thing he is doing is just seeing his women? No! He is getting his financial affairs in order so he can screw you! I guarantee he is moving money , hidden accounts, any property. You Have To Know He Has Either Talked To A Lawyer or financial advisor who areally telling him to keep you calm and fooled so he can leave you with nothing for in a few years you say before you divorce. I urge you to please listen. I have seen it before and there are plenty of horror stories here. You must be keeping your eyes open on secret email accounts and financial statements and get copies of all these things. He is not being mr. Nice guy now for a reason. He is trying to keep you calm and fooled. Please please find the best divorce attorney you can. I know you want to finish school in your plans but this way more a priority.
    CN tell her please.

    • “He is getting his financial affairs in order so he can screw you!”

      This was also my initial intuitive thought.

      And even if it isn’t 100% true, the fact that it *could* be true is reason enough to quietly prepare and make your move to get ahead of the possibility of it.

      Liars lie. Take care of you, Friend.

    • Yes, absolutely!! He’s definitely doing things behind your back!! Get yourself to a lawyer ASAP.

      I caught my ex out on a date with a newly divorced whore October 4, 2014. December 17, 2014 he read the The Divorce Letter to me. In the letter he said he didn’t have a plan in regards to anything — money, timing of the divorce, kids, etc. ALL A BUNCH OF LIES! I found out from a good source that he was talking about divorcing me to some of his coworkers in October, just days after I caught him out with his whore. He started a huge lie-filled smear campaign behind my back. And during this time he was acting calm and normal at home. I had no idea what he was doing until he pulled the rug out from underneath me.

      Stronger, please take all of our advice! Put your education on the backburner for now and get yourself out of this marriage. Save yourself! And as for your education — you might qualify for some financial aide being a single mom. I qualified for a Pell Grant which helped pay for part of my schooling, so you might qualify for some help too. Stronger, you can do this! Check out old CL posts about getting your ducks in a row. There’s tons of great advice in past posts from CL and CN.

    • YES!!! Always follow the money. It’s behind a great many — possibly the majority — of the actions cheaters pull after being busted. ESPECIALLY when they play nice. Then you can be sure they are buttering you up to make you soft and pliant for when they skewer you later.

  • When I found out that my husband of 22 years was cheating, my kids (3 daughters, 1 son) were the reason I got out of bed everyday, they were also the reason I spoke to a lawyer right away. They had already lived with his abuses for too long, and I had to show them that some things are unacceptable. Full stop. I also wanted them to see that women are strong and that we could go on without him.
    The first year was rough. I was scared often and didn’t sleep well. I have been divorced three years now and separated for four. We are fine. Life is better without him. Everyone is happier, and I found a way to go back to school and I am halfway though my graduate program. Life will be better without the cheating POS. Believe me. You can do this, Stonger, stick with Chump Nation and we will help you through it! It’s so much better on the other side!

    • CBHN
      Strength and love for your children shines through in your post.
      I just want to say I can imagine how very difficult it must have been for you to do all that you did.
      Best wishes to you as you continue your studies.

  • Nothing much to figure out other than he is one of the many assholes out there. You were just a good person taken advantage of by a man with a lack of good character. Don’t give the jerk another thought and keep him in the past and move forward.

  • The Dickhead tried to act like a Noble Sausage. According to him, we were both unhappy and he wanted to end our marriage on good terms unlike his marriage (with kids) which ended on bitter terms. I’m sure he’s still spouting that we mutually ended our marriage. There’s was nothing mutual about it. I was given no choice and no voice.

    What really happened is he started fucking whores, had an emotional affair 10 years prior (proababy was physical too) and had cheated with one or possibly two other people. I found this out 3 weeks after he filed for divorce. Our divorce went from me not understanding what was going on to full-blown anger on my part. He had the fucking audacity to get mad at me because I wasn’t going along with his game plan and image management.

    I can almost guarantee that if you flipped the script on him (not suggesting you do this), you would see a side of him that is not noble or kind. Brace yourself. Once you get a lawyer and start standing up for your right, he will act indigent as if he is the injured party.

    He doesn’t truly care about you or even your children. He was willing to fuck around all these years which meant that he wasn’t there for his family. He would rather have spend his precious moments cheating than making new memories with you and your children

    He’s not special or noble. He’s just your average ordinary cheater.

    • MissBailey, That’s how it went for me. A blindsided “get out” after coming home from golf one Saturday afternoon. There were some signs something was up on I was on her trail. This happened in May. By late July or early August I found out what was really going on. An opiate addiction, Xanax habit and a ex boyfriend from high school. She was pissed I exposed her in court for that. She had worked hard on her image management playing the injured party. A shit ton of bricks have crashed down on her. Lost the home due to lack of income. Took a huge loss in the sale. Rents a house now. Affair didn’t work out. He also had the same drug n alcohol habits. She hooked up with another guy from high school. That went even worse. In May I pay my last child support payment so she will lose 40% of her income. Has a elderly and disabled mother to take care of also. I look back and am eternally grateful I never was given the opportunity to stick around.

  • Cheaters ware many masks. When I found out about my STBX sneaking around with my skanky cousin. My STBX tried to tell me they were just friends. Nothing went on, no sex. They just went away with each other because she liked to have fun. He failed to tell me that they were friends. At home I was being verbally and financially abused by him. At work he was the stand up guy that everyone turned to. To his parents he was the victim who’s wife got credit cards and had mental problems. He failed to tell his parents that he only gave me a few hundred dollars a month. I was forced to get credit cards to pay out taxes and my health insurance, etc. To Skankella he was the misunderstood husband that his wife did not want to go anywhere with him. The wife who never cleaned the house and had mental issues due to early menopause. I could go on and on. He failed to tell Skankella that he refused to put me on his health insurance and did not help out with the household bills. Did not help out with any of the household chores. He was very good at playing the victim.
    I also made the mistake of trying to work things out. Only to find out that he was texting his ex girlfriend from high school and other women on Facebook.
    Your Husband is counting on you staying with him until you are finished with School. This way he has the chump at home to take care of the children and clean the house. He has the best of both worlds. A live in maid and he gets to screw anyone with a pulse. Get a lawyer. Stop doing his laundry. Let him fend for himself. I am sure one of the Skanks he is screwing can take care of him. Please do not waste anymore of your life on a POS.

  • “We have to live together until I’m done with school and it’s been rough.”

    You talk like it hasn’t even crossed your mind that you have other options. “have to”? You don’t “have” to do anything! And for years? No way. Nothing is worth staying with your abuser for any amount of time. What makes you think that HE will stay for years? This man has demonstrated nearly every second of his life that he doesn’t give a shit about your best interest. You have NO control over him, you absolutely can’t count on him for jack shit. You need a plan that puts YOU in the drivers seat of your own life, and kick your abuser out. By the way, if he has copped to 25 affairs, there’s probably been a hundred. “For three years he did good”? I’m sorry but I don’t believe this for a second. If there’s anything that all of us chumps can tell you, it’s that whatever you think you know, it’s much worse than you think.

    School can wait, get this monster out of your life. You can do it. Find the path

  • Who is foolish enough to “reconcile” with some vile POS whose cheated non-stop on them for 6 years with approximately 25+ other people?? Oh yea, likely someone you see on SI being encouraged to stay with him

    • I don’t think it’s necessarily about foolishness. I hate the con artist I was with, but I still cry every day. You’re biologically and psychologically bonded and that plays into your decision making process. Definitely there was no hope when she tried to reconcile, but I don’t think we can fault anyone for not immediately throwing the loser out and moving on with life. We’ve all been there – in the shock stage where you’re in between ideas of the person you thought you were with and the person you really were with.

  • The more attorneys YOU consult, the fewer available to him. A fair number will give you a limited amount of time, for free (30 – 60 minutes). Ask them which divorce attorney they wouldn’t want representing their spouse. Then hire that attorney.

    • Haha, I did this. My divorce was done in 90 days. Called pretty much every major firm in town and big shots in Nashville for good measure. Fast and flaccid ended up with a greenhorn who got paid 500 bucks to tell him to sign the papers because he wasn’t getting a better deal.

  • Lol, “does his dick ever sleep?”!
    & who are these legions of women who are sleeping with this dumb ass jerk? – what an energy suck.
    Be done with this looser asap!
    No one needs this load of crap in their world.

  • Do you think he wants you to feel sorry for him, he says he loves you, but does he show it, by cheating on you. When he will them, is he thinking of you. I think maybe you have accepted the situation, sorry if I am wrong, be careful you don’t know what diseases he could be carrying.

  • While you are still in the house together gather up ALL the financial papers, retirement plans, bank accounts etc and have the house appraised by a professional so he can’t lie to his attorney about his assets too

  • OMG! He is a waste of space. How can you even speak to him when he explains his reasons to fuck you over?
    Please get some self respect for yourself & kick the child/man out. Your wasting your precious time with him. Lawyer up & get rid of this low life dirt bag.
    Good luck ❤️

  • Actual thing the X said to my daughter when she asked him how and why he could do this to mom, especially since mom is (bless that fierce and loyal child) not only clearly more attractive, but obviously a better person: “I did not want to sully your mom.”

    How’s that for noble? He generously and selflessly screwed anything that would have him so as not to sully me.

    What. A. Fella.

    Snort.

    Another vote, here, for getting him out of your life ASAP.

  • He also could be using subterfuge in order to not be accountable in a fault state, after three years any of your evidence of marital infidelity are moot no longer Viable to use for a divorce. So I would secretly lawyer up , get your ducks in a row and get some good legal advice secretly !!!!

  • I wasnt able to put too much information in my original question, because then it’d be crazy long. But here’s it is.

    DDay #1 – stayed because a family member convinced me my STBX was a sex addict and the family member (a rare unicorn who is a 25 year recovered sex addict who has been faithful for the entirety of his 20 year marriage) told me we could reconcile as long as we both put in a lot of work (this gave me an extra strong and potent form of hopium to smoke on). Which, surprisingly, the STBX, did. He seemed like a changed man, took full responsibility, gave me full disclosure, never blamed me or told me to get over it even years down the road. He even took a lie detector test every year without complaint so I could feel reassured he wasnt cheating again. I seriously thought I had a unicorn guys!

    DDay #2 – He was on a work trip and called me as soon as he got back to his hotel room to disclose he had cheated again. He had promised after DDay #1 to always tell me within 24 hours if he cheated again. I guess the fact that he kept that promise and seemed so devastated over his failure was the reason I thought that maybe it was just a relapse. If we just got him back into group and with a better therapist we could get him back on track.

    DDay #3 – He acted completely different after coming home from his work trip. Cold, callous, mean. He claims it was because he was struggling with wanting to stay because he loved me but knowing he would cheat again and wanting to leave to protect me. He said he loved me too much to be able to end it himself so he forced my hand. And when I discovered it, I immediately kicked him out of the house and contacted a lawyer.

    I found this blog right after DDay #2, and as advised I had him sign a post-nup. So there was really no fighting or contention about getting a lawyer, he was well aware of what was coming. When I spoke to the lawyer and explained the entire situation she had me sit down with a financial advisor and see what my options are.

    Basically I have two, due to my education, work history (many years as a stay at home mom as my STBX was military and we moved often), job prospects, and cost of living within the surrounding area, I can either (1) Get divorced, sell my home, move me and my 4 dependents to the worst most crime ridden part of town, cram us all into a 2 bedroom apartment, and more than likely have to put my education on hold for several more years or (2) stay married, stay in the home, finish school, then keep the kids and the home after getting a job in my career field.

    I went with option 2. Oh, and a financial separation agreement. Which essentially makes his debts soley his, mine become mine. Any money moved from accounts without the knowledge and permission of both parties will be paid back in the divorce settlement, and if he chooses to leave the home at any time during the next few years he loses any claim to the profits from the sale of the home as well as an monies in savings or investments. There are several more but that covers the basic concerns.

    As far as the living situation, we live in separate rooms. Mine with multiple locks to ensure he can never come in without permission. He’s basically a ghost within the home. He does his own laundry, cleans up his own messes, and cleans the bathroom he shares. He comes home from work and goes straight to his room or out with his women. I handle my life as though we’re already divorced. Take care of the kids, the home. We each take the kids every other weekend so I have time to start going out and doing things I enjoy doing. He actually respects the rules I put into place, doesnt text his women in front of the kids, will go out to his truck to talk to them on the phone as I dont want the kids overhearing any of their conversations, etc. He really doesnt seek me out much. He’s the kind of cheater who cares about quantity not quality, and with Tinder he has a never ending supply of new people, so my grey rock self who only talks about finances or kids or finding a hole in my sock, doesnt interest him in the slightest. I also know how to keep him complacent, “Oh, who’s a good little narcissist? Here’s some kibbles! Yes! Now run along and play with the others…”. I’ve even outed him publicly as a cheater and he wasnt bothered by it. He simply said, “You have the right to tell the truth to whoever you want, however you want.” He encourages me to go out, date, do whatever makes me happy, because according to him, I deserve nothing but happiness. The rough part has been seeing him going out constantly with these women, and the details I’ve picked up from the brief conversations we’ve had. I obviously loved him very much and being slapped in the face with reality has been painful. But I know that I’ll eventually get over it and get to a place where I dont care.

    I just couldn’t fathom why he told me what he did. I dont trust what he tells me anymore, as everything could be a manipulation. With circumstances as they are, I dont see the benefit in it for him. The terms of our divorce are set out by the post-nup, hes been outed as a cheater publicly, he has to take care of his own things. What possible motivation could he have for telling me that? That’s why my bullshit radar conked out. Bullshit is easy to spot when you consider the possible benefits for the person spouting it, but I could not figure out what he gains here. Maybe it’s just my continued ambivalence to his actions. Or maybe, as my dad has suggested, hes laying groundwork for another “reconciliation” in the future when he’s too old and tired to continue his current lifestyle. I honestly dont know. But I do know, I’ll keep reading Chump Lady to remind me that I never have to go back to being the hopium addicted chump I was for the last ten years.

    • “if he chooses to leave the home at any time during the next few years he loses any claim to the profits from the sale”

      It might be worth amending that to him still being able to claim some profits later if it gets him out of the home sooner rather than later.

      • Financially he couldn’t afford his own place. Either he stays here or we both have to move out of the house.

        Honestly, I’ll eat this shit sandwhich for however long it takes to keep my kids away from living in a place that’s physically unsafe. I know living with him in this situation makes it harder on me, but the only area I could afford, even working two jobs, would put the kids in danger. I grew up in that part of town and what I had to see growing up was horrifying (drive bys, drug deals, prostitution).

        I guess, for me, I think it’s better for us to stay where we are, in this fucked up limbo, for the next few years, if it means my kids get to stay in an environment that’s safe.

        • Stronger–Kudos to you for being a good mother and sacrificing to protect your children. However, 2 points: (a) You have no idea how staying in the same house with this guy might affect you. He clearly has a screw loose. As soon as you take actual steps to get rid of him, you are in potential danger. Nearly 3 women a day are killed in domestic situations (usually when they try to leave), and at least half never believed their partner could be violent. Secondly, I am working with a domestic abuse victim now who is irreparably damaged from staying in an emotionally abusive situation for decades, and IMHO, will never be able to fully overcome the insidious abuse. While not the same scenario as yours, the point is we do not KNOW how we will be affected long-term by adverse circumstances. But we are all affected.

          (b) This is a sneaky, deceptive person. No matter how airtight your post-nup, deceptive people will find a way to hide money or siphon off assets.

          • ^^this^^ all the way.
            Be very careful with your emotional and physical health and that of your children. I would suggest to start counseling now with you and your kids. You are all living in a very dysfunctional environment.

            Stay strong, as you are. I am pointing out that toxic dysfunction, the lesser of your two evil choices, has silent negative impact/s in you and your kids.

        • StrongerThanHeEverThought –

          You have certainly made the best of a really shitty situation.

          I hope that he finds another victim to suck dry financially and he moves out. You deserve peace of mind within your home.

          If he were successfully “encouraged” to leave, could you rent his room to a quiet female grad student?

        • Too bad you can’t make him go live there. At least the prostitutes would be handy but I guess that wouldn’t be a very nice thing to do to them.

        • He’s not going to stay. Eventually he’s going to find someone else to sponge off. You say he can’t afford it. That’s not a barrier for him. Trust me when I tell you there are plenty of women stupid enough to house this man and pay his bills. When he finds that idiot, he will leave. Start looking into air bnb.

        • So move to another town? I’m sorry but I don’t buy this scenario where you have exactly two specific options. Life doesn’t work that way. It’s a big world out there full of possibilities. You’re scared, you feel trapped. We’ve all been there. Please listen to us. This situation is not healthy or safe for you or your kids. You are fooling yourself to believe otherwise. As for “what reason does he have to lie to me now?” question, I’ll tell you why. Because he’s an asshole. Whatever “reasons” he has for dumping all this ridiculous mind-fucking bullshit on you, what matters is this: It’s for HIS benefit, not yours. He has proven through his actions he doesn’t give a shit about your wellbeing. He is manipulating you. Quit trying to figure out why. There is no good answer to that question. Only bad answers. Please don’t stay in the same home with this monster. You’re going to regret it someday, more than you can wrap your mind around.

        • Stronger–sending you strength and positive vibes. Sounds like you got your ducks in a row with the post nup and are doing what is best for you and your kiddos under the present circumstances. ((hugs))

    • Good for you for getting the post-nup! Very smart.

      Stay safe and be careful. Listen to all advise given here and discern what makes sense for you. Obviously we can only see into a small window of your whole life.

      ((Hugs)). You will get through this

  • What a complete idiot loser this guy is. I will second everyone else who has said “Don’t wait, get out now!”. There is no way you are going to be able to stand being around this guy for a few more “years” even if he doesn’t duck out first and leave you holding the empty bag.

  • I guess my cheater ex really is a saint after all. He only sort of tried to hang on to cake. He did suggest an open marriage which I refused and he never got around to filing for divorce so I finally had to do it (technically we filed jointly but I did the actual filing). At least he never pretended to be over Schmoopie, however. He never begged me to take him back, just pretended it was a difficult decision and there was an infinitesimally small possibility that he would stick with me back when I was still pick me dancing. When I finally did decide that divorce was the only viable option, however, he went along with it and was generous financially. He still sees his kids regularly as well. The whole time between DDay and divorce was a bit rough because Schmoopie was totally in my face, but at least that kept me from completely falling under the spell of the hopium I was smoking. Of course he still claimed that there was “a part of me that still loves you”, but it was clear that he didn’t love me nearly enough and he wasn’t going to give me the love I was promised when we got married 20+ years earlier. All in all, I only had one DDay (well two if you count finding out about Schoopie 1.0 who I discovered after 2.0 but we weren’t in “reconciliation” at the time), so I guess I had it good and my ex is less of an asshole than some.

  • Good lord!

    I practically snorted coffee all over my screen at this!

    Statements like, “I wanted to force you to end the relationship by carrying on affairs with at least 2.5 other women per year in the first years of our marriage” and “I only wanted to protect you from wasting your life on me” sound reasonable ONLY if you’re in the middle of a mind-fucking, emotionally abusive relationship.

    There is no earth logic there. Earth logic would have him tell you honestly, “Stronger, I know I promised to be faithful, but the fact is that every time I see a woman, I’m like a Brittany that sees a squirrel. I MUST chase. That’s not fair to you. What is fair is that I give you a generous settlement that will tide you over until you’ve graduated, and that I’ll do right by the kids with child support.”

    So it’s BS.

    He’s so busy fucking everything he sees that he didn’t bother to cover his tracks. He’s perfectly happy to remain married–financially, it’s WAY better for him, since he won’t have to pay child support and he has a lot more time to hide his money or spend it on whatever schmoopie he has this week. So he’s just playing you, trying to mindfuck you.

    It’s not that he’s cheating; it’s that he’s trying to send you a message.

    Go to a divorce attorney and discover what you can expect under the laws of your state. You may be surprised to learn that if you’re a poor student and he’s got an income, you may be eligible for temporary spousal support in addition to child support. Many lawyers have free or low-cost consultations. Go in with questions on how the law works and your economic fears. That will make your 30-minute consultation work for you. Don’t expect your lawyer to be your therapist. Ask how much the lawyer costs per hour and how billing works. Those are fair questions. Ask if the lawyer has experience in situations like yours, what you can expect under the law, and how you can best position yourself to maximize your settlement. To be honest, if he makes an income and you don’t, you probably are able to get the best settlement you can at this point.

    Yes, it may take time for you to line up your ducks, but in that time, stop sleeping with him (you don’t know where his dick’s been, and more than one Chump has found herself with an incurable–and sometimes fatal–STD). Get into therapy. Check to see if your school offers mental health counseling. Many do. Start building up a cash reserve by getting cash back from groceries, buying something and returning it for cash instead of credit.

    Once you’re out, you’ll feel better, and you’ll have modeled to your children that self-worth means that you don’t have to put up with BS.

    • Ah, I see that you posted a follow-up.

      Good for you to get a post-nup. Make sure to tell the children why their father is a ghost in their own home. Also, get them into therapy because they’ll need it.

      You might check out family housing with the university if it is available. Sometimes that’s cheaper than living in a terrible, crime-ridden neighborhood. The living space is cramped, but one of my colleagues raised 3 children while in university housing. Heck, she and her husband still live in a campus apartment, and she’s been working for the university for 30 years! That would not be an ideal situation for me, but it’s worked for her (she and her husband are both ex-Army so maybe it’s not too different from military housing).

      Good luck!

      • We sat down and explained very carefully to the kids what was happening and why. I didnt lie. They know we’re getting divorced because daddy cheated (no details or editorializing). I explained the living situation, what they could expect from both me and him, how weekends work. The kids appear to be handling things well. I have really open communication with them, so they’ve come to me a few times to talk about how they’re feeling. I try to keep the house as calm and sane as possible.

        • You are a strong and mighty woman, and a good role model to your children. I read your follow-up and your ex sounds alot like my ex. He lived in basement for the 2 months before I moved out and bascially ghosted me in our own home. He wouldn’t come home till after 9 which allowed him to have 2-hour phone calls to the OW while sitting in some parking lot some place. (rolling eyes). He was seeing her when he filed and he tried to act like they didn’t start dating until after the divorce. He didn’t have the phone calls at the house because he cared about me or trying to protect me from hurt. He did it to protect his image – everything is about them.

          Good for you on getting the post-nup. Stay strong.

  • “even admitted that he knew his life was going to be empty and probably filled with misery”

    After blowing the cover off of a who knows how long affair my husband was having with the office secretary, my soon to be exhusband said a statement eerily similar to this one.

    It was very confusing at the time to me, that he would give up a loving wife and family- basically a great life, for a woman with “issues he can help her with- she makes him feel needed”. It just shows me that people obtain their happiness from all different avenues- even unhealthy ones.

    After he made that statement of his sad sad future and the obvious tone of victimhood, I knew he wasn’t a the person I thought he was. If you knew your future was gonna be so horrible wouldn’t you try to fix it? He’s his own victim- and I needed to leave or continue being used and hurt. It’s been almost 2 years and as time goes on, my hurt gets less and less.

  • He’s using you as maid and babysitter for now, and absolutely counts on his Nice Guy routine to lower your resistance to how he plans on screwing you in eventual divorce. A few crocodile tears and sad sausage words are a very low price to pay for the benefits he’s gaining. His actions are 100% about his convenience and $$$$$$$. Nothing to do with you whatsoever, other than you providing him with housekeeping services.

    As others have said, you need to work on getting out and filing right away. Don’t let him know what you are planning, however, because I guarantee you that the sad sausage act will fall away the moment he realizes you aren’t going to play his game any longer.

  • Just when I realize that I use the word “stupid” too much I read something like this. So I will add “fucking”. He is so fucking stupid that somewhere in the bowels of a psych thesis is a description of this walking, talking turd. There just has to be. Delusional idiot. What he said is tripe.
    I wish I had a good suggestion but how can you do anything but leave him in the dust? I hope by 2020 when someone mentions his name you ask, “Who?”.

  • Oh yes -they didn’t tell us because they’re such good people and worried about hurting us. Lying to the face of someone you “love” and snuggling up to them after you’ve given oral to a hooker really makes you a shining example of nobility. We could all learn a thing or two from these champs.

    I had moved far away from my job despite only having 1 car between the two of us. We were planning to start trying for a baby in Feb 2019 and in preparation, decided it was time for me to sink my savings into a new car cuz it’d be too hard w/ 1 car. New car in Aug 2018.

    Cue D-Day in Sept. 2018. Now I’ve got a car that I don’t really need (cuz I’m moving back to the city) and I openly shared my annoyance that he let me sink my savings while he was out buying the cheapest cooch he could find.

    You know what the bastard said? He tells me, “I felt you’d find out soon, so I wanted you to be able to get around and move your things when you left me.”

    How deeeeep! It’s so next level that my simpleton mind still struggles to understand the logic. Hmmm….

  • You finishing your degree will work against you in a divorce. My advanced degrees completely knocked me out of support, even though he made 2x my salary.

    The courts will consider you self sufficient.
    He is going to hose you with the financials.

    Seriously, being a part time student will REALLY HELP your cause. Especially if you are a full time student, no job —
    Talk to an attorney. Heed this warning.

    • If you wait until you have a degree and especially a job, you could even be in danger of owing him support if he’s so poor he can’t move out.

    • Even with a degree and a job, he would still make more than me. And in my state they very rarely award spousal support or alimony. It’s just that with our current incomes he would not be able to afford a place outside the home.

      • Hey Stronger, please change your email when you post because your gravatar picks up your image and given the circumstances, best to stay anonymous. Thanks!

      • Any amount your income becomes closer to his, the less you are likely to get in terms of child support and alimony, if any. You are FAR better off divorcing poor than with an advanced degree and good job. He may very well wait until you graduate, then quit his own job before filing for divorce, so he can plead poverty in court. You might think that impossible, but so did I until my ex pulled a similar stunt. Never underestimate how far some of these disordered types will go to screw you and benefit themselves.

        Also, just want to add that not for one single nansecond do I believe he remained faithful for those three years. People who have over 25 affairs during their marriage do NOT take time off for good behavior, believe me. Another lesson I learned the hard way.

      • Stronger, please please don’t tell me you and him have the same lawyer with this agrement you have going now. If you don’t heed the advice from here about not waiting and making excuses to stay I am telling you will live to regret it. This is not going to end well for you. There has to be other options and I am very concerned about you going on about what he can afford. You must get your own attorney. You have plenty of time to go to college later. He playing you and manipulating you. I am very concerned about what he has up his sleeves. I guarantee you he is up to something and it has to do with the finances. You are going to see this sad sausage routine go right our the window when you start to assert your rights. The other thing is what are you teaching and showing your children by staying? This is not the way to live and it is not good for your kids. I think you really believe he won’t screw you over. Mark my words. He will. Guarantee you he is getting advice on the best way to do it.

        • Gentle…

          “ my husband would never cheat”
          He did.
          “ he would never put my life in danger”
          He did for the past 12 years
          “ he would never put life of our kids in harms way”
          He did exactly that when I was pregnant and nursing
          “ he would never intentionally hurt me”
          He was doing all there is
          “ he would never risk his dream job”
          He was risking everything
          The list is never ending…

          When the mask is off…. anything goes

  • Actually, when you eliminate his drama, he has told you the hard truth. Most of them never admit to their evil shitty ways. Staying with him really will ruin you. Already, your bullshit meter isn’t working because his manipulation is your normal. This is the time you begin living consciously. That means acknowledging your decisions and thoughts and plans. Plans that I hope include no more kids with him and a positive exit plan. He’s your kryponite, hon, and the closer you are the weaker you stay.

  • I just read thru comments from LW. You sound like you know what you are doing. Just thank him for admitting the truth but You both live on a one way street now so there’s no going back. Or looking back. You’re almost free!

    • I am sure the new girl will be thrilled to find out that he is just with her because he wants to spare his wife the misery of his presence. I can’t imagine what story he has woven for her that keeps her stuck.

  • exterminate thyself-I mean, really such self-admitted, self-aware garbage knows he is more worth to the world if he is gone from his position of poisoning EVERYBODY and EVERYWHERE.

  • Cheaters don’t need life partners.
    They need “mommies” for taking care of them.
    Took me years to figure out.

    • Not necessarily. Mine complained that I “mothered” him. Shame on me for making his lunches for all of those years. When he said he wanted to be “taken care of” he apparently meant he wanted me to take it in places that weren’t designed for it. I guess Schmoopie’s ok with that because apparently she told him “I like taking care of you”. More proof that she has no sense of self worth.

      • Cheaters move goalposts, don’t kid yourself. You could have been a porn star, and they would have cheated on you & told you “you never cooked for me”. They absolutely are man-children, they always want a Nurse & a Purse to take care of them.

        • “Cheaters move goal posts.”
          So true. I was spinning trying to figure out what I could of, should of, might have, done better. Not a damn thing.

      • Chumpinrecovery

        Mine complained that I’m not taking care of him… followed by my hoovering actions… followed by his amazement regarding my lovely behavior towards him… followed by my vicious attacks and lack of trust….

        Yep…. all that time he was referring to almost the same behavior. I’m a true magician- one actions and countless reactions 😂

  • His noble efforts to hang around until you finish school may in fact be related to him trying weasel out of support as much as he can. If you have little or no income, he will be ordered to pay a much larger amount than if you have a good income or potential to earn a good income. I hate to say it, but he has probably run the numbers with a lawyer and you know cheaters do not like consequences, especially financial. Just a thought. I know Stronger, it is hard to image that someone you have built a life and family with would do all of this behind your back, and smile sweetly to your face, but he can, he will, and he already has. So sorry you have to go through this, but don’t give one more second believing this load of crap, please…

  • Hi everyone! Hope everyone is enjoying the new year! I officially had my husband served papers today! Kind of feel sad but more relieved to be getting rid of his sorry lying cheating on me while pregnant ass!!!!! I think I’m going through the roller coaster of emotions. But can someone explain something to me. My stbx said he wanted to be single and not stuck with one person, so
    can someone tell me why he decides to continue to see
    his corworker, constantly to the point where he doesn’t see his children, and also spend the night at her house often and go out with her. Wouldn’t that be the same as being married!? He doesn’t want to be stuck with one person but he goes from our marriage to seeing this other woman? It makes no sense to me at all.

    • I can explain it to you. #1 he’s stupid. #2 he is an asshole.

      You really don’t need to know any more than that. You will be glad you filed and got out eventually but it will take some time.

      • He’s definitely an asshole, he just told me he’s rather kill himself than stay married to me….. wtf? He just wanted to have sex and wanted to take me shooting….. I mean that comment really hurt cause I’m pretty, smart, educated and great mother and was a great wife. According to him I was horrible, you know holding him down after 2 deployments and all his family bullshit, moving my whole life for him, makes me a terrible wife

          • I didn’t and I certainly won’t! He’s lost his damn mind. The woman he’s leaving me for prays on married men, apparently usually they end up leaving her but mines a real winner he’s destroying his marriage for her. Where do these people come from? Like do they drop from scum buckets in the sky?

    • There’s no good explanation because it’s not true. When my STBX and I were talking the night before he moved out, one of the (many) excuses he offered was that he had underestimated how important it was that he spend some time being single, that he hadn’t planned on meeting me when he did. (We met a couple of months after he’d ended a seven-year relationship, and were together for nine years.) He really needed to experience life on his own, etc.

      Well, he’s only been out of the house for two months, but he’s still seeing the same OW. I guess that’s all the time he needed! Kidding, of course – clearly, he hasn’t actually *been* single at all – not even for a few weeks. It’s all just word vomit that’s meant to sound mature and plausible.

    • The Dickhead went straight from me to her. When life got too hard worth me and might have requires some work on his end, he bailed. Life is supposed to be fun and easy. When it gets too hard or stressful for them, they run.

      He’s with because he doesn’t want to be alone, because she’s new and therefore has no expectations, and as for kids, well, a new skank is better than spending time with your own children. He just doesn’t care that deeply.

      It makes no sense because we love deeply and we made a commitment. We respected the people we married and we expected them to do the same. But they aren’t like us. They have no respect for anyone not even the next woman or man. It’s all about getting what they want and everybody else be damned.

      When you really think about, it’s a very sad and lonely way to live. Be glad you aren’t like him, embrace what makes you real, live your life in spite of him.

  • Get out before you end up like Shannan Watts or Kelsey Berreth. All it takes is “one of his play women” wants a commitment, and there you are, sitting in his house, all innocent, and ending up a victim because he doesn’t want to deal with divorce or child support. Don’t become a victim, get out now.

    All of Patrick Frazee’s & Chris Watt’s friends, family & co workers describe them as “good guys, not violent, not the type to murder”. They’re not murderers until they are.

    Don’t wait around for years. Put school on hold, if need be. School will be around in a year. We don’t want to be seeing your story on 20/20 that another Cheater has killed the mother of his children.

  • Wait until you ask for a fair settlement and child support from him. Many times the ‘nice guy’ act ends then. They string us along any way they can for as long as they can.

    My ex has done everything he can to alienate our kids from me, meanwhile he plays the heroic single father role to anyone who will listen. They are scary people underneath the fake ‘concern’ they claim.

    Decent people don’t cheat on their spouses. Fake a-holes do.

  • OMG! THIS!:

    “What exactly did you think you had to work with here?”

    “Does his dick ever rest? Perhaps he needs a rub down and a bag of oats like they give race horses. Or a glue factory for retired sex addicts.”

    ‘You do deserve better than him, that’s true, but if he felt you deserved better, he wouldn’t have wasted nearly a decade of your precious life.”

    “How magnanimous of him. What’s his next party trick? Rebranding venereal disease?’…Brilliant!

    “He probably needs a social secretary. He doesn’t cheat with 25 women in six years because he is miserable. He ENJOYS it. Or he wouldn’t go back for second, third, and twenty-sixth helpings.”

    Except I think it’s more like 56.. but lost count at the 25.

  • The noble sad sausage. Liars who say garbage like Stronger’s just get worse over time. From my last boyfriend at last discard:

    ‘I don’t want to hurt you more than I already have.’ Fake Magnanimity.

    ‘You can hang around me, but no more lovey dovey’ (the day after he told me, ‘I love you,’ which was just half an hour after him telling me, ‘I don’t see you in my future.’) 1.5 years later, I still don’t understand this behavior. Need to stop trying to unravel the skein.

    ‘I don’t want you pining for me by the phone on a Friday night…’ Covert, condescending altruistic narc? I told him that I was too busy to pine over him next to the phone. (As a divorced mother, I have got REAL men to raise.)

    Later, ‘for a couple of weeks I felt guilty (for leaving you?), but I’m getting over it,’ and ‘I might be alone for the rest of my life,’ although he was grooming my replacement while he was at the office. He wanted ME to feel sorry for HIM. No, he seems permanently attached now to work subordinate. I am the one who will likely be alone for the rest of my life. (Going to try to enjoy my unpartnered life, though. What are the options?)

    High time for OP to get away from selfish unloving liar!

    I don’t like being single (celibate) for years on end, but I probably would have really started hating myself if I had hung around my narcissistic exes had they let me hang around. (Sadly, I have a few marc exes.) I think that the sooner OP can get away from her manipulative, excuse making ‘spouse’, the sooner she can start realizing how disrespectfully she is being treated and enjoy feeling honored instead of used.

    I can’t imagine 25+ women competing for time with a married man–or is he ‘serially quasi-momagamous?’ I wouldn’t want to be in that snake pit.

    • Rockstar

      Imagine this…. Dday… all the whoory despicable details… and sad h with puppy eyes and concern in his voice “ it’s not as fun and easy out there as you may think. Not all of them wanted to go out with me”

      Yes…

  • Go on brush your shoulders off. Git that dirt off yo shoulder, you gotta git that dirt off yo shoulder…

    My theme song for 2019. Git. That. Dirt off your shoulder!

  • Stronger

    I stayed for seven years while earning my degrees. In my final year he gave up his business, moved, and I lost my home while finishing clinical hours, and taking care of two children.

    He didn’t secure a job. I was forced to relocate.

    1. At the ten year mark of marriage you are entitled to his SS benefit. It sounds like you are close to ten years.

    2. When you are employed and have s degree you will be responsible for ALL of the student loan debt if in the U.S,

    3. If you are a graduate student you may be eligible for graduate housing. This might provide a safe place for your children.

    You are at risk waiting in my opinion. While it may feel mutually beneficial, you have no control over what he’s going to do in the future.

    My guess is that he will make your life hell in two years. After I graduated his expectation was that it was my turn to support him financially.

    Please check into other housing options for your mental health and safety.

  • Stronger – please listen to voices of experience on chumplady. Despite post/pre-nups which can be challenged, your STBX is not trustworthy and can arrange to lose his job and such. You are busy earning your degree and taking care of kids. He has time and energy to consider how to screw you financially. File soon rather than wait years. Once you have done your degrees you will be liable for support – there is student housing and other ways to solve your logistic issues such as housing. Get a lawyer – get advice.

  • StrongerThanHeEverThought
    I feel for you. It takes a lot of courage to go to an attorney for a financial separation & postnuptial agreement & to learn what divorce laws are in your state & for you individually. I remember how shaky I felt calling one for the first time.

    Your timeline is your own & it sounds like you ARE on the way to ending this unhealthy relationship. You have had to work double time to be the responsible one to protect yourself & your children financially. Maybe it’s time to revisit a few attorneys, to look in to different housing options like the university housing, & re-evaluate YOUR financials, without worrying that your STBX can’t afford housing. That will be his responsibility for once. I never kicked my spouse out after DD1 because I thought we didn’t have enough money to pay for 2 places to live. Why did I grab on to his responsibility? Heck, he could have slept on his brother’s couch or in his mom’s garage, or found ways to take continuous business trips. But I wasn’t wise enough back then to see that I didn’t need to be ashamed or embarrassed by HIS bad behavior & that it wasn’t my responsibility to worry about where he’d stay. He probably would have spent too much on a great hotel but then I may have realized sooner how little he cared about us.

    I bet you were sorry you ended grey rock long enough to have that conversation with him. His thinking is distorted & it seems like he just threw out bait to see if you’d bite. Who cares what his reasoning is? Don’t get on that train again! You are on your way to a better life.

    Lundy Bancroft’s “Daily Wisdom for Why does he do that?” is very helpful in that it takes the emphasis off leaving RIGHT NOW & puts the emphasis back on you: what do you need today, how can you be a good mother in the midst of living with an abusive husband, strengthening your other friendships, healing, gaining clarity on your situation. He includes an entry named “For the woman who just can’t leave.”

    CL is a wake up call. I love Tracy’s UBT. I can laugh at the same time that I learn about my blindness, weak spots, & know that I am not alone. I am getting better at picking up on BS. I am reevaluating my own financials. I’m doing a lot to rebuild my life until I gain it back without the cheater. Right now I’m happy I’m on that journey because for 34 years I wasn’t & it sucked more.

  • This is hard to grasp because we don’t think like them (it took me awhile to finally get it), but ASSUME he’s trying to manipulate you at all times, even if you can’t figure out his game. They are so good at running a con because they have lied and cheated for so long that they become EXPERTS.

    I got a post-nup, thought I could stick it out living together for a few years for financial reasons, but thankfully, the Python moved out on his own. He threw a hissy fit one day (it’s like having a 3 year old in a man’s body living in the house) and that motivated him to move out. He got mad at me for asking him to clear a path so I could get to some of my things on the other side of the basement (yes, he turned into a hoarder). When he promised to make a path by a certain day and didn’t, and I dared to try to move something of his, he flipped out. That day he called about renting a place. I’m SO glad he did!!

    A lot of his stuff is still here – but much of it is gone, and I feel such a sense of peace. I will feel even more at peace when his crap is all out of here and the divorce is done, but I didn’t realize what a toll it was taking on me to be living in the same house. It’s like a yoke you’ve had across your shoulders for years, carrying heavy weight constantly, and you get used to it – but when it’s finally off your shoulders, you are AMAZED at how good it feels to be out from under it!!

  • A haiku titled “Metal Meddle”

    You are still home.
    More bullshit is imminent.
    Sharp scissors advised.

    ***

    On a serious note. I sincerely hope you and your dear children leave soon. You and your kids deserve a happy and stable life and deserve to have people who keep their promises around.

  • Cheaters only care about themselves.
    Repeat, repeat, repeat…… make it stick in your head!

    Most cheaters are the same but with time when all the nastiness fails some even get physically violent.

  • I think he might mean it for as long as he is sat talking to you. As soon as you’ve left the room it’s gone though. CL calls this situational truth.

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