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There is only one patented Universal Bullshit Translator. But alas, there’s more bullshit in the land than one UBT can handle. That’s why your fun Friday challenge is to help the UBT translate bullshit into snark. These stables aren’t going to muck themselves.

Do you have some creepy text message? Is Schmoopie sending you Bible verses? Has someone exhorted you to forgive on Facebook?

The UBT knows what they really mean. Its patented trademark technology cuts through the crap and distills essential bullshit. And now, for a very limited time (this weekend), it shares this technology with you. Fire up your transponders, CN, and put your waders on!

Time to translate some crap.

TGIF!

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Sparkly Turd ” I need to leave you. I feel like I’m being sucked into a vortex and being sucked in by a vampire”
    One month before d-day

    • UBT

      ” I need to leave you” translates to ”my little sparkly house of cards is in danger of imminent collapse”

      ”I feel like I’m being sucked into a vortex and being sucked into a vampire” translates to ”I have created a massive problem for myself and now am beginning to feel the life-shaking consequences. Also, I am being sucked into a vampire”.

    • sweetChumpgirl
      UBT: ow is calling and I must go.
      He will learn ( when the sparkle wears off), that she is the vortex and she will turn into a vampire soon!

    • lairssuck says
      March 15, 2019 at 1:08 pm
      I need translation

      “Something I need to tell you….I had the opportunity to do some reflecting and when I met you (30 years ago) I was dealing with a lot of things, a recent very painful break up and dealing with guilt and unresolved grief over the suicide of my cousin.

      I was in a venerable place mentally, emotionally and in a lot of pain. As a result our engagement occurred before we were built the foundation necessary to have a healthy relationship and marriage (29 years). We were never in love with each other and should not have married. I do not regret of (6) children and will always love then but we both failed them a for that I am sorry.

      The “very painful breakup” is the the OW he is living with now who divorced her husband to be with mine. He moved 5,000 miles away and took a 50% pay cut to be with her. Now he sends “certified” letters saying he is negative $800 per month and wants to re-negotiate our divorce because he can’t support himself anymore.

      #sellthetuck
      #getasecondjob
      #yougotthehighschoolgirlfriendback

      • Translation: “I have been trying to find a way to excuse my actions. I heard some ‘Pray The Gay Away’ therapists talking about finding your “root” or the magical thing that turned you gay, and I thought – hey that could work! So:

        “When I met you (30 years ago) I was dealing with a lot of things, a recent very painful break up”

        Which I decided to medicate with jumping into another relationship, and not taking the time to get over it properly, like a responsible adult. It’s not my fault though. I was sad, and I can’t be blamed for using others when I’m sad – how else do I make myself feel better?

        “and dealing with guilt and unresolved grief over the suicide of my cousin.”
        I had such sadz! None of the cheating was my fault – forgive me in the name of my poor dead cousin!

        “As a result our engagement occurred…”

        It just “occurred.” It just happened. Rather like my falling and landing dick-first into OW, it was just a think that happened to poor little bewildered me as I was swept along, buffeted by the currents of fate! Literally none of my important life actions are things that I chose – things that I should be held responsible for! They just happen and you can’t blame me for them!

        “before we were built the foundation necessary to have a healthy relationship and marriage”

        Not only did I marry you when I shouldn’t have, (or, well, we ended up married somehow – at this point I’m so far up my own ass re-writing history that I can’t seem to remember how it happened) I was also unable to either honorably end the marriage or commit to building a proper relationship with you. For thirty years. Again, I don’t actually make choices – things just happen to me.

        “We were never in love with each other”
        I never loved you, and I’m incapable of empathizing with anything that isn’t me, so I’ll assume you felt the same. Also, it suits my current narrative to frame this entire “Me cheating on you” thing as a “joint” action that we are somehow jointly responsible for.

        “…but we both failed them a for that I am sorry.”

        I cheated. You were dumb enough to believe me when I told you I loved you and wanted to marry you. Really, aren’t we both to blame for this?

      • “I finally came up with a reason to blame you for what I did, because I am a fuckwit who only has three brain cells and I lack the intelligence necessary to be honest and upfront immediately after I do things – much like how I deal with problems in life by fucking strange”

    • UBT:

      “The world isn’t revolving around me so I am going to move away so that you chase after me. I will also project my emotional phlebotomy onto you, in a pathetic attempt to run away from my own shitty actions!”

  • I received a text from skankella back in November. This is what it read.” Listen bitch. I know you have been spreading my number all over the place. Remember bitch we will meet someday.” I forwarded the message to my son who is a Sheriff. Unbelievable, she cheats with my husband for years. And she has the balls to send me a threatening text. Just shows what a POS she is.

    • ” I know you have been spreading my number all over the place. ”
      UBT: I’m a legend in my own mind. Also, I go out a lot and forget who I gave my number to.

    • “Listen bitch, I know that you know I’ve been spreading my legs all over the place. Bitch, remember that I can smother your head up in my ginormous STD factory of a minge and I won’t even need an epidural to do it!”

    • “How dare you hold me accountable for my own actions! I am allowed to do whatever the fuck I please and you are not allowed to respond to it!”

    • Listen birch, I don’t like it when people discuss facts and I come off looking like an asshole. Stop messing with my narrative by spreading malicious truth about me.

  • My cheating ex-wife, defiant, upon having some of her affairs discovered: “I AM NOT DEFINED BY MY RELATIONSHIPS!”

    Translation: I see my doing horrific things as consistent with being a wonderful person. Because . . . special! Did I tell you I was a National Merit Scholar 24 years ago? I’m kind of a big deal.

    You probably also think condyloma is defined by its capacity to cause genital warts. Such backward thinking! Condyloma never *intends* to cause genital warts, and that’s what matters. You have no idea of the secret specialness that Condyloma exudes when you’re not watching. And you could never understand the mysterious and magical constellation of sophisticated factors that led to you coming down with a bad rash on your privates after I came back from my “solo” trip to Vegas, so you really shouldn’t try. #NationalMeritWart #MyCheatingWifeWentToVegasAndAllIGotWasPenisCancer
    #TheWartsDidntStayInVegas

    Also, cheating is really just about how we *define* things. Why are you so hung on on WORDS?!?

    • There are some stories that make me marvel at the self-control of chumps who live through horrific consequences from their cheaters, and manage not to need a defense attorney.

    • OMG! This is the best… of the worst… we should meet to share stories… I’m in Boston area too!

      • I’m in Philly. Srsly think there should be a CN dating site/app attached. You are the people I want to meet! Post-Chump Snark-Smart 🙌🏻

      • I’ve been told chumps make very good next relationships. I’m not sure I will ever date again, but I’m ready to just live and meet people. I would love that app. it would be nice to just not be condemned doe rge shape we’re in as we heal.

        • Freer,

          I feel the same way. I don’t think I will ever date again either. I enjoy going onto the dating apps and talking, but when it comes to an actual face to face I always back out. Is it because of what has been done to me or am I just content with the fact that I had a 28 year relationship, raised 3 kids that all graduated from high school and attended a college and that I’ll be 53 this July.

          Since the affair I’ve been told what a horrible human being I am and I pushed her to have the affair because I would complain about her not cleaning or cooking when she was off and I was working two 12 hours shifts all weekend. That I said she couldn’t do anything right. Her examples are that I asked her why she didn’t wait until after we were finished eating to run the dishwasher, I said that she shouldn’t stand at my son’s feet when changing his diaper (he’s 20 now, but she still threw this in my face, pardon the pun) if she didn’t want him to pee on her, that when the electric tooth brush made that funny sound it meant she was pressing it on her teeth too hard (right out of the instruction), and I can’t even remember all the other petty comments she made to convince me that if I treated her better she wouldn’t have had the affair with a married man.

          Can someone run that through the UBT or is she right? I could have been nicer. We were together for 28 years and married for 19.

          Thanks for letting me vent.

          God Bless CN

          • Fooled, don’t beat yourself up! Everyone in the world could have been nicer, that’s what makes us all human. Forgive yourself for reacting like a human being ❤ and remember that she had every opportunity to be nicer too, but instead betrayed, made you feel like rubbish and picks on the most inane and stupid things to exploit your Chumpy self-reproach. Please remember she sucks and you don’t!
            Btw did she ever get peed on?! You were quite right!
            All the best x

    • #WartzTheProblem?
      #CheaterSaysWartz?
      #LiquidNitrogenonMyDIckWasLessPainfulThanBeingMarriedToACheater

    • I heard the “I’m not defined by my affairs”. God has forgiven me, I forgave myself, now you need to!

      • I am always amazed by the cheaters who are just CERTAIN God has forgiven them. How on earth are they sure of that? The church even says there are requirements to forgiveness/absolution. They have to confess fully (never met a cheater who did); they have to be deeply remorseful (and make amends if possible); they have to repent; they have to go forth and not commit that sin again (Hmmm, any one time cheaters out there?). While I believe it absolutely is possible God forgives some cheaters, I am pretty sure lots don’t meet the requirements. The fact that they all feel so sure of their forgiveness that they smugly announce it so frequently is amazing to me.

        • Actually, I’m pretty sure Adolph is a one-timer. I have no reason to believe otherwise. He had one affair, but it was a long term one. After being caught and much discussion he has confessed to his wrongs (including non-affair stuff I didn’t even ask about), repented them, expressed remorse, accepted responsibility, and is trying to make amends. So he meets those requirements.
          Good thing I’m agnostic. I don’t have to forgive the jerk. 😄

        • my ex said he ‘had this God thi g all figured out’…he planned to live any way he wanted and get sa ved in his death bed…

  • Having discovered videos of my Moth tells on YouTube (two versions of my DDay story), she sends this:

    “You really, really need to learn to let go and get some help. Be happy. Don’t be so angry and bitter. It’s ugly.”

    UBT: “You really, really need to stop being honest about my egregious deception and betrayal. Be silent. Don’t be honest and forthright. It’s inconvenient.”

  • From The Evil One/exh2 this past Sunday:

    >>> Knowing how your mother pulled what she did with gifts for the kids, you allowed yourself to do the same thing to me with my parents instead of telling them to contact me instead? And then you lied saying you hadn’t been in contact with them when I asked you about the linked in? I will not be doing any more favors for you including the extra days for you. I will not talk to you about anything other than my daughter and her care and we’ll being. I thought we could be civil but evidently you’ll always be a snake in the grass waiting for every opportunity to make themselves seem righteous. I’m done! <<<<<<

    Translation: how *dare* you facilitate a relationship with my parents when
    A) it's in the divorce decree by me that when out of town relatives are here, DD is to be made available to said relatives? And B) I am not speaking to my parents because they refuse to give me any more money at 40 years old to support me and OWife and her kids

    Four years later, he's still a narcissistic nutjob.

    What's beyond my comprehension is that he honestly expects me to still be loyal to him and his feelings regardless of how he's done me wrong in so many ways?!?!?!

      • Exactly!!! His parents have a right to enjoy the pleasures of working their asses off for 40+ years, plus caring for elderly parents until they passed, and rescue animals. Their son is such a prick.
        He has never wanted to work, has always expected handouts or get paid top wage for doing next to nothing — prime example:
        Just before D-Day, he got a job at $20/hour, plus overtime for hauling paper.
        He even had a paper time sheet where he could fudge his hours and get more money.
        About a year later, they out him on 55 hours @$20/hour salary and he gets pissed so ends up pissing everyone at the company off and gets himself fired.

        His parents visited me and DD the other day. First time in four years I’ve seen them or talked to them. They had no clue about anything he had done.
        They didn’t even know about OWife until they got engaged and/or married when he sent them a picture of her engagement ring.

      • Right?!?!
        He is a 40-year-old mooch.
        I bet OWife/Mrs. Dumbass is looking sideways at The Evil One like, “what happened to my White Knight?!?!”

    • Him: ” I will not talk to you about anything other than my daughter and her care and well being.”

      You: [deadpan voice] “Noooo, not that, what will I do?”

  • I did my own BS translator for this one as its was just laughable. background; he is complaining becuase I refuse to meet him at the school to collect the baby off him so he can spend sometime alone with eldest, which is fine, I have just made it clear he needs to drop and pick up th kids from the home and Im not running to different places to swap kids with him as he has started getting silly with it. Before this text, he said he cant have the baby that day becuase I refuse to meet him at the school (5 minutes away)

    Exes drivel;

    I have not refused to have my children
    i have had to change my dates becuase of work and training not leisure
    you said I dont do you any favours, so thats just you being difficult again
    All I asked is if I could spend some time with (ELDEST) on his own on 22nd as I dont get that time anymore and think it would do him good after what you said play therapist has said today. Can you please meet me at school to pick (BABY) up.

    My BS translation;

    Im blamming for me not seeing (BABY) becuase you wont meet me where I tell you to.
    My life is so hard having to adjust my schedule all the time to suit my needs. You need to be more sympathetic!
    You owe me! Your the problem, not me! You stop be seeing my kids and Im the victim.
    You’re stopping me spending time with (ELDEST) because you wont meet me at school to collect (BABY). Wait I said I cant have him becuase of that? ERRORR!!!!
    You will meet me at the gates bitch as instructed or I wont take the baby to spite you!

  • After finding out that my husband had started texting the same person he had an affair with 5 years ago, his excuse was he should have never responded to her message. But, she was the devil in sheep’s clothing. Of course, it’s nothing and they’re just friends. He really wishes he could prove that to me, but he just happened to delete the Facebook messages, texts and omitted the fact that he had been calling her all weekend. He was just about to tell her he should’nt be talking to her anymore, but I just happened to see the text before he told her🙄

    • So much to choose from. After 30 years of undiluted selfishness, charmer runs off with Russian mistress. No warning. No discussion. No remorse.
      A few in my top ten…
      ‘You’ll always think the worst of me. ‘UBT it’s all your fault, deep down I’m a hero.
      ‘I’m just profoundly indifferent to you .’ UBT I have the emotional intelligence of a wheelie bin and the warmth of an arctic blast.
      ‘I couldn’t bear it any longer.’ UBT Yes im the kind of man who calls his wife ‘it’ Nice.
      Snark has been my saviour. Didn’t always work for terrifying rage and anger but it’s perfect for idiocy 🤪

    • #lookawayfromthemistress #itsnormaltosectretlytextpeoplewhomeannothingtome #illneverdoitagain #surpriseichoseyouafterall

  • Quote from part of an email from the OW, I copied and pasted this directly from her email. Can someone with a UBT help?

    I am sorry this has happened in your marriage but I know in my heart I am not to blame for anything is going on.

    Again, I understand your frustration and pain. I too have been cheated on.  Please dont lose perspective , focus your energy where it is needed. I can assure you it’s not with me

    • Passive language: “I’m sorry this has happened in your marriage…” = “Your marriage ended through no action on my part. It was like Mount Vesuvius erupting and covering all of Pompeii–act of nature! No one could prevent it!”

      “I understand your frustration and pain. I too have been cheated on.” = “So I’m paying it forward! You’re welcome! But don’t pay attention to little ol’ me in your gut-wrenching pain any more than I pay attention to the need for commas!”

      • Lol!yes! Love it. Mt. Vesuvius hahaha
        And her grammar and punctuation, right?
        The ways she sounds so condescending here, made me particularly ragey. Exactly 1 year ago tomorrow. happy anniversary

    • UBT: I take thing everything said to me literally. Naturally, I had to cheat with your husband because I was told to do unto others as others have done to me. Hang on, I can’t finish this cause somebody told me I should go jump off a bridge.

    • “I am sorry this happened in your marriage”

      My actions clearly demonstrate that I’m not sorry at all, but if I don’t say that I could come off like a selfish, uncaring person, and I know full well how splendid I must be to have attracted the attention of your husband. #SchmoopsieOopsie. I’m going to make sure to use passive tense as WD-40 to grease my upcoming blameshifting…

      “But I know in my heart I am not to blame for anything going on.”

      #HeWould’veFallenIntoAnyWillingHole. A glimmer of self-awareness? Me thinks not. This one obviously needs the cling tightly to the #SplendidPerson narrative in order to justify their own actions to themselves.

      “Again, I understand your frustration and pain. I too have been cheated on.”

      Author’s note: Melissa, not to over-simplify complex issues, but I’ve seen peoe who have experienced a particular trauma fall into two main camps: People who know the pain it causes and choose to never inflict it on another person, and people who use it as an excuse to “screw the universe back”. #WeAreAllMadeOfStardust, and that’s exactly how much other people matter to these sad sacks. These empathy-deficients are not your tribe, identify and avoid to improve life quality.

      “Please don’t lose perspective, focus your energy on where it is needed.”

      I am incredibly insecure that I cannot maintain your husband’s attention. This, of course, has nothing to do with my incredible specialness or the fact that I heard him flirting his way down the cubicle row, while I was desperat–erhm, patiently waiting for him to discover the true, joyous love that was simply slumbering within me. #SleepingPrincessInAnIvoryCubicle. Now, pretty please, stop distracting your own husband with your marriage and kids and pain and stuff. I’m worried if I lose eye contact he’ll move on to Julia in Accounts. #RunawayGroom I saw her eyeing my man last week, that hussy.

      “I can assure you it’s not with me.”

      LOOK AWAY FROM YOUR HUSBAND! No, no, no, no.. he’s texting again! Oh, and could you pretty please not mention this to anyone you know, may one day know or may know me? It would be inconvenient for anyone to think that I wasn’t a Splendid Person and I really want to post those PerfectLove memes I see all over Facebook. K thx bye!

      • Thanks somethingnew,

        Her comment about also being cheated on was just so bizarre to me…you are right about the 2 camps of people and she is not in my tribe. She knew how painful it was, but wanted to be involved in inflicting pain on someone else? That line really left me confused and upset, like what was she trying to do? Make me feel like we had some kind of shared painful experience?but in my scenario she was the one causing the pain????? So bizarre.
         “screw the universe back”. #WeAreAllMadeOfStardust

    • A rant mailed to me by OW (shortly after DD) began,”I am not a whore.” Even though I was truly at the bottom of the emotional barrel, I burst out laughing when I read that. It has become a running joke between my adult kids and I. Whenever we describe a difficult encounter with a jerk to one another, we usually end the story with,”but I am not a whore.” It cracks us up every time!

      • That doesn’t need the UBT; FactCheck, by Politico, would be more suited to correct that OW’s egregious misconception of herself.

      • Haha! Yes the OW in my life also got VERY offended when I called her a whore. I later found a text message where she was complaining to my stbx that his wife (me?) Was calling her HORRIBLE things like whore, and morally bankrupt….
        Yeah it must have hurt to be called those things 🙄

        • Lol ! I called the whore other woman up and called her a whore too ! I often wondered if it ever bothered her? Him and the ow tried to hide their affair And I am convinced she never thought I would find out who he was whoring with. But always check the place of employment and you will always find the whore there! She’s the one shoving her tits in your husbands face and coming on to him …
          The more I think about it is
          That it did not bother her at All because they pulled it off and she was able to get over on me and get lovebombed and believe that he “loves her”. Bahhahaaaha

    • I’m sorry your marriage overlapped with my relationship with your husband. It was a scheduling error on your part.

      • Hahaha thank you to all! Your UBTs have made my day.
        Bte – that was an excerpt from an email I got exactly 1 year ago, o march 16. So, I’m feeling the 1 year dull sting.

    • “It’s all about me and my needs, I don’t give a fuck about you and I will find more ways to shift the blame onto you.”

  • Friday the 13th, 2018: After 17 months of undiscovered cheating with “younger than his daughter GF” I get a text from “him” saying “I don’t love you. I want a divorce.”

    Text from 4 hours prior was “Yes! move ahead with the HVAC bid for $14k. Makes sense!”

    Fast forward 3 hours later: “It wasn’t me! Someone stole my phone!…there was a lot of drinking!…he…no, she…didn’t mean it!…I mean, well…I’m kinda relieved!…but it wasn’t really me….ok. It was her. Yes. There is a ‘her.’ She’s in her 40’s. But she’s a friend…ok. With benefits. But. Not a long time. Like a few weeks. Maybe late 30’s? it’s only been a few months. Well, yeah I guess a little over a year. She thinks I’m a coward. Maybe mid-30’s? We never talked about her age. Well, so, ok, so she wrote that text to you. She’s so pissed at me for not telling you sooner. She thinks it’s unfair. But I swear!! I didn’t know. It’s not like I approved it or anything!! But yeah, I’m relieved….I’m going to be 60. I’ve been so unhappy for so long. That’s why I travel so much for work. but I still love you!! I want you in my life!! We have a daughter! You are so important to me and you’re a great mother! What?!? She is NOT 32. There is no way. 1986? Really? Ok, well it’s not like I actually knew that.”
    Yeah. There’s that. #asshat #86thebitch #ageisjustanumber #fanofrkelly

    • I also got the “let’s make plans for our life together” right before the “our marriage is over”. Half an hour before we went to the marriage counseling session in which XW revealed that she was “already gone” and that our marriage had “no future” and that this was first and last marriage counseling appointment she would attend, we were discussing how much money to put in dependent care accounts and whose paycheck to pull it out of.

      I stupidly though that this kind of boring, nuts-and-bolts discussion – planning for a future together – was evidence that she was committed to our marriage. Not so: for her, our 17-year-marriage wasn’t sparkly enough precisely because we were providing a sane, ordered environment for our kids (no drama, no fights, no wild parties). XW left to chase the drama: she actually told our daughter that she and AP have screaming fights – and that this *proves* that they really love each other.

      • They’re all related! That’s it! We’re are the “normal” aliens on their planet and this is their scheme to keep it all for themselves.

        Besides replacing the HVAC in our house, our daughter turned 12 the day before dday. We had tickets to take her to Taylor Swift but he had to “cancel” last minute (Pinot noir phone management, I know now). But hey! Buy a tee shirt! Take & send me ALL the pics! Love you!! Love Daughter!! Happy Birthday!!🎈
        The parallels between us all are beyond bizarre to me. I’m so so sorry 🙁

        • Ugh! What a despicable turd! They are indeed all members of the same alien race. Mine was googling divorce and pension splitting on our disabled daughter’s birthday in 2017, as well as texting his slut. He even texted her when visiting his newborn first grandchild. Dumbass works in tech but didn’t know enough to delete his Google activity history. It not only shows searches, but dates and times Signal texting (or whichever) is used. They’re all so pathetically stupid.

          • Chumperella – mine works in that biz too. Was adamant that the 1986 “was never, ever a factor” in his decision to cheat. “And! She isn’t even in the picture anymore!!” Haha. But then…he sent me his resume bc he couldn’t figure out how to print it (eyeroll here). Sent it along to me with all of her track changes included, name, dates. the whole thing. #dumbasscantspell #1990preKgrad

      • After DDay and after he moved out because his heart was with Schmoopie not reconciliaiton, he was still trying to make plans for the future musing about ways we could fix up the house and make it more interesting to live in. Maybe he was assuming I would be the one to end up moving out so he could move Schmoopie in? If so, that was a delusional thought but he was having lots of those at the time.

  • After discovering I was talking to ow’s husband (our best friend) about the affair.
    “I can’t believe you would betray me that way, it’s so inappropriate.”
    Ubt…none needed, I think everyone can see how fucked up that statement is.

    • Hahaha! I had the same thing. He found out I spoke to the OW’s husband, and said “You should be careful who you’re talking to…” #facepalm

      • Translate this:
        MySTBEX MIL “My belief that what God has put together, let no man put asunder.I have made decisions based on this belief, but the question I never asked was whether or not God had really put them together, and I believe that he did not.I told my DIL that I was afraid that our son might have to lose everything to come to Christ. Her(that’s me) answer was that she did not think that she needed to lose anything for him to come to Christ.Well, in the midst of the nastiest divorce ever, and losing everything he has including his children, he has come to Christ. And, yes it is worth the price.
        Fact: in this so called epiphany he has not asked for forgiveness to his children AND still lives with the OWhore! Hmmmm. Thoughts!?

        • “Holy” Moly. The branch didn’t fall to far from the tree did it? Mommy has come up with a way to excuse her baby but it isn’t very well thought out. I love the christian part of treating others as we wish to be treated—- unless it brings you to an epiphany but you forget to attempt amends with those you wronged and feel no remorse and just keep on keeping on the “Bad” thing that brought you there.

        • That’s some scary insight into rationalizations and justifications of his shitty character. He’s likely gotten a free pass to be shitty his entire life by the sounds of it being raised by this mother.

        • No loving God would sanction the world of pain a cheater puts his family through. No loving God would tolerate a cheater flouting vows and not seeking forgiveness for the pain caused, without a dark night of the soul for the cheater. As for the MIL, second-guessing God is a very dangerous business.

  • “ I don’t think you are able to help me ( to be a decent man) I think you need help more than me. Your issues cloud your vision and instability doesn’t help me”

    UBT

    I started fucking other women when we got married, lying and risking your life the whole time. In restrospect, looking back and seeing you living life based on the values ( honesty, fidelity, trust etc) I diagnose you as the one incapable of being a good example for me. I believe you are unstable-( and no, 14 years of mindfuckery and betrayal has nothing to do with it, it’s just you and your unstable mind)
    And you need help. Go and start spinning… start helping and start 💃

    No. Just no.

    • Bravo Anna!! this was about the same text I got from cheaterfuck earlier this week. We are divorced 9 months:

      “Maybe once you are over being angry it will change. Hopefully you are getting help.”

      UBT: I’m free to fuck whoever and whatever I want now, but I still need you to provide kibbles and adore my sparkle and awesomeness. I need your attention and constant adoration even after exploring how wonderful I am with other women pretty much non-stop during our marriage. You need help after 20 years of my mindfuckery, gaslighting, blameshifting and extreme stress and anxiety – that is obvious!

      CHEATERS SUCK

      • Wildcat

        Same playbook… maybe it was on sale? Or BOGO – buy one box of condoms get a cheater playbook free?

  • EX says:
    “You can’t leave me. You agreed to love me unconditionally.”

    UBT says:
    I cannot believe you aren’t capitulating to my demands any longer. I thought you were locked down when we got married. If you won’t take my word for it, take your own–your wedding vows. You promised until ‘death do us part.’ You’ve caught me in lies, but if I can convince you that leaving our marriage makes you a liar too, then we’ll have a level playing field, and what I did won’t matter because you are just as bad. Damn it, why aren’t you eating this word salad.”

  • He just said he wanted a divorce one day, and his secret 6 month affair was exposed by HER husband one month before it was final, he lied to me saying there was no one else, gave me a shitload of readons of why I’m bad, and he was (is) still with her and was still having me dance the pick me…..but I realized what was going on and I said….. “why would I take you back, you threw me away”……. he said, “no I didn’t.” WTH? Help me with this one. I know it should be easy. But this baffles me. No I didn’t? Really? Then what would throwing me and thirty years away look like? Argh. Assholes. All of them.

  • Firefucker’s Last Texts Before Block, never got a response, from me: “You will not see me anymore.”
    (2 hours later)
    Firefucker: “I love you and in a way always will.”
    (30 minutes later)
    “I THREW A WRENCH IN OUR FUTURE!”
    (10 minutes later)
    “I can’t risk financial ruin; I have a real family to think about, now.”
    (40 minutes later)
    “I didn’t want to see it end like this.”

    UBT: These texts were sent by Sybil.

  • “I love you, but I’m not IN love with you.”

    My capacity to love is limitless… I love you as my wife… I love trannies as fuck-buddies… I love the Yankees… I love picking sock lint from my toes and wax from my ears and flicking it across the living while I watch Game of Thrones… I love lying to you… I love that you are the grown-up… I love that I can always find another sucker now that you have found me out and now she is the one I am “IN” love with… “IN” becomes a verb because she will now do all the work and have all the sex with me that I want because you stopped when you caught me cheating.

  • I got “It’s about us”, “Let’s make this work”, and “Maybe we can date”. All without being told of the affair. Yes, these people are a special breed of sick and disordered.

  • Have at it….email from OW. She’s just wants to HELP–after she wrecked (or helped my ex wreck) my marriage over two years (I can’t even with this woman….) and outright refused to take a hike…
    ________________________________________________________________

    I believed everything, everything, EVERYTHING you have told me. I meant what I said when I said W recycles words and actions [insert warm body]. I am not ignorant to the fact that I am not special to him. Maybe I thought I was in the summer, but that passed after my encounter with you. Yeah, is it shitty, hell yeah. First, I did not MEAN to do what I did. But I did it. Can’t take it back now. I also believed him wholeheartedly. I know you don’t care, but he also hurt me and, yes, he made me feel stupid for allowing myself to let him make me feel stupid.

    This is why I promise him nothing. This is why he gets frustrated with me because I give him friendship and not much else. This is why I thought that because he wasn’t getting what he wanted from me that maybe he could get it back with you. W is not happy with himself, and yes, he is an addict. When alcohol is not his drug of choice it is people. Maybe he doesn’t love anyone, but we both love him–in different ways, but love nonetheless. I want him to get better for himself and for his kids. I thought he was. And, yes, I guess I do like to be needed or “fix” but those are things I have to realize and work on for myself when I’m ready.

    And right or wrong as you see it, I cannot watch W kill himself. That’s why I advocate for time with the kids. That’s why I promised to quit smoking if he quit drinking. That’s why I befriended the mother to his kids. That’s why I push him to keep his therapy appointments, seek other friendships, play his music, forgive his fuck ups and encourage healthier options for coping.

    Maybe I’m enabling and being stupid. Then I’m stupid. So be it. But I’m not going to stop trying. Because I can’t. Right now I don’t have it in me.

      • Thank you. Yes, I know. Except they’re not my problem anymore. We’re divorced. They’re a circus of two now. She just felt it necessary to inform me of this bs.

          • No–I knew you meant that! She is completely codependent and delusional, and dangerous. What I meant was that she sends me this and does need the book (and a lot of help), but I’m done with them both, so wouldn’t do it myself (not that you even meant that). They’re in their own schmoopie hole now without me.

        • Right? You have no idea. I love how he “got frustrated” with her so she sent him back to me, but she “can’t turn him away, I won’t!” She’s beyond crazy. So they have each other now 🤷🏻‍♀️.

    • This shining example of self-delusion belongs in the circular filing basket. She’s not co-dependent much, is she?

      • Not much…lol. I know….she’s absurd. It’d be funny if she didn’t help decimate a marriage and a home and a family. But she was just trying to helllppppp himmmm because he neeeeedssss herr and she lurrrvvvvssss himmmmm. (UGH).

  • “I never held any power in our relationship”
    UBT: The only possible thing I could do was sneak around, lie and gaslight you so I could feel important and adored. #Powertothecheater
    “The marriage was already over when it started. We were going to get a divorce”
    UBT: Even though this was never articulated by me, you should have been able to read my mind and get a clue that I wanted a divorce. I simply didn’t have the time to explain this to you. I was too busy lying and sneaking around. #yourfaultyoucan’treadmymind

    • OMG I got the “we weren’t going to work anyway…” despite me sitting there in therapy every week for two years all the while he was sleeping with OW. Would’ve been nice to have been tipped off.

      • I got, “I think you knew this wasn’t going to work!” (Projection!)
        My response, “I wouldn’t have moved to another state to be with you if I had known that. You made sure it wasn’t going to work when you decided to have an affair!”

  • (From my “co-parent” after the umpteenth time of cancelling/cutting short his once a week daytime plans with the kids):

    “I’m not the one who asked for this divorce. You could have had me here helping with the kids all the time, but instead you quit on us. You chose this life. I’m doing the best I can with my situation, and if I need to change plans, it’s not because I want to – it’s because I have to work so I can save for an apartment so I can have the kids all the time. I’d love to have them all the time, but not everybody can be spoiled like you and have a house and 9-5 job. Sorry it gets in the way of your dating and social life, but it’s about the kids. Not about your anger at me. Stop trying to drag me back into your negative world.”

    All. The. Time.

    • UBT: You deliberately married someone and had 3 kids right away, just so that you could divorce me and be a single working mom of 3 in diapers. You quit on providing cake after I went to WEEKS of therapy. I **helped**when we were married…you know…by letting you learn how to be an independent mom and handle it all while I went gallivanting with random girls until midnight. You’re welcome. The serial cheating you always bring up every time I mention your choice to quit? Fake news. And then you kicked me out of the house you bought and left me poor and destitute. I know it’s been several years but I still haven’t figured out how to secure living quarters where the kids can visit, or get a job that allows me to pay rent AND ALL THAT (minimal) CHILD SUPPORT you selfishly demand. These things take TIME. Stop being so negative when I cancel on you so I can “work”. Your negative mindset was the problem in the first place…it’s your fault really. All of it. It’s about the KIDS though.

      • wow, sound similiar to my situation. He is always the victim and its always our fault they refuse to have the kids/ shorten the contact time.

        my ex owns the house though and proposed we move out (I havea 1 year old and 6 year old) so he can move back in before selling it, inwhich ill be lucky to get peanuts. HA! practically dillusional

  • OMG I got the “we weren’t going to work anyway…” despite me sitting there in therapy every week for two years all the while he was sleeping with OW. Would’ve been nice to have been tipped off.

    • It was so nice of you to go to therapy to improve yourself so you deserved him! I’m so sorry it didn’t work out. /

      (Hey, CL, I can’t get sign in to work. When I try to login, Patreon asks me to sign in to WordPress first, but WP won’t work for me either)

  • Said to the marriage counsellor: “I was hurt that Chumpinrecovery told her Dad about the affair.”
    Translation: “I am upset that my image is being tarnished by Chumpinrecovery’s hurt and need for comfort from somebody who loves her.”
    In response to an e-mail sent by my mother and on which he was copied implying that he might be having some sort of mid-life crisis: “that implies a level of unhingedness that I don’t think applies to me”
    Translation: “It’s perfectly normal to buy an airplane, quit a high paying job, uproot the family and move half way across the country and then have two affairs and leave a 20+ year otherwise stable marriage in favor a married SAHM with five children, all within a four year period because that’s what rational people do. It’s not me making myself unhappy, it’s my environment making me unhappy and all I have to do is keep changing it up and I will eventually be happy”. Also, “There can’t possibly be anything wrong with me. I’m perfect and I would fall apart if I actually had to do any self-reflection at all beyond what’s in it for me”.
    Somewhat more recently and almost a year post divorce: “Did I miss the invitation when you had brunch with my family earlier today? Have I offended you in some way? I am hurt and angry that I wasn’t included after being so accommodating this weekend”
    Translation: “Why am I not the center of attention? How dare you all enjoy each other’s company without m?. I took our son to his baseball game the day before so where’s my reward for good behavior?”
    Me: “ I am sorry you were offended. You had previously indicated that it made you uncomfortable to be around me and your family at the same time so I didn’t think you wanted an invitation”
    Translation: “You had two affairs and left me in favor of a selfish slut with no morals, no compassion and no sense of decency. Yes you offended me”.

    • Oh yes, and pre DDay “we aren’t communicating well” means “I have neglected to tell you that I am fucking strange”

      • they can’t hear the insanity.

        my ex, in preparation for the impending divorce, called the cable company to change the bill from his name into my name. they said no. he then tried to ADD my name, so he could drop his name later and thereby accomplish the same and thing. when they again said no, he started screaming at them ” I can add her to my bill if I want!!! She my wife!!! Shes my spouse!!! we are MARRIED!!!”

        I was standing there dumbfounded. He was doing this to leave me for another woman, knowing he’d destroyed our family, and it was only to relieve himself of a bill he’d created. He hadn’t claimed me as a wife in several years. I’ve often wondered if he was really that f’n stupid or it was just another way to twist the knife. I think that was one of the most painful things that was so unexpected. so damn obtuse ar how much pain it caused me.

  • Three corker’s….

    You kar Marie have no business prying into or even asking about my personal life!

    Being married to you ruined my relationship with her it’s all your fault. she has nothing to do with our marriage she’s innocent!

    It’s not my fault I give mixed signals cause I don’t know what Im doing or what I want!

    UBT: wow this guy is a total asshole. Run. Run quick run far. And don’t look back.

  • During a huge arguement over moving me and the kids from the west coast to the east coast (out of the blue mind you and his idea). He tells me if “I don’t like then divorce my ass” then later tells me he didn’t mean it and doesn’t want a divorce. Fast forward two months later and he asks me for a divorce, he says, in the past six weeks I’ve done a lot of thinking and you’re not happy and I can’t make you happy. I still love you just in a different way and I want to still be friends.

    Translate: He is the one who is unhappy and is directing the blame towards me. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He also has a side piece, but won’t admit it.

  • After I had thrown Hannibal Lecher out of the house, um, convinced him I needed time to think, he launched a full-court press to get me to sleep with him, and of course, forgive him his affairs. I received this message, just ripe for the UBT:

    “In Anna Karenina, Dolly forgives her cheating husband. It is a deliberate act internally. She decides one day to do it and then proceeds from there, having made that decision. Sounds to me as if you can’t do that, don’t want to do that, that it will haunt you forever, that you find me repulsive sexually, that I am basically detestable to you.”

  • After 10 years of zero sex because of her ‘bad back’. She says “I just have no libido now, but to make you happy we can have sex during a ‘date night’ once a week.” I reply “What about your bad back?” She then says “Well it doesn’t always hurt during sex”.

    UBT: “I have no libido for YOU, but I somehow know that I can fuck and it doesn’t hurt my back”. #howmanydates#miraculoushealing

  • the twatopotamus had a meme on her facebook page that read, “My story is filled with broken pieces, terrible choices, and ugly truths. It’s also filled with a major comeback, peace in my soul and a grace that’s saved my life.” Her own comments (no one else commented or liked it) “And God forgives, we learn, rise above and move on and forward.”

    I think I’ve added a new nickname to my arsenal….

    • UBT: I have to fall back on the almighty, because only an invisible, non-defined force will listen to my self delusional blather. I better find one of those necklaces with the lower case “t” on it.

      • See, I do believe in God and I don’t see Him as an invisible or non defined force. And yes, God DOES forgive, but there has to be repentance, there has to be an honest attempt to go to the ones you’ve offended and ask for forgiveness. You don’t get to claim holiness when you make no efforts to actually BE holy.

        • And that said, I’m not claiming to be holy. I’ve got my own demons.

          But I’m not running around slogging in my sin and declaring I’m forgiven, either.

  • “I wasn’t going to leave you”
    Meaning: I went to crackhouses with prostitutes saw sex shows, promised prostitutes to go home with them, used alcohol and drugs with them, caught sti’s.
    Now wonders why daughter doesn’t want to spend time with him, he doesn’t engage with her.

    • “I wasn’t going to abandon my wallet, my babysitter, my housekeeper and the person who covers for my mental illness”

  • #1: Confused chump wonders what she is doing wrong. Sparkledick answers: “Why am I in a bad mood? I’m in a bad mood because you make me feel bad”.

    UBT: Keeping up the lies is a soooo damn much work, even with a chump. I have better things to do with my time, but I need someone to pay the bills because I am full of debt.

    #2: Confused chump is trying to talk about retirement plans. Sparkledick becomes very angry and bellows in her ear: “I’m a failure and it’s YOUR fault!”

    UBT: I know I am a master bullshitter and sell snake oil at my useless think tank.

    #3: I won’t bore CN with the “We grew apart” shit.

  • “Ok, I had affairs, but what did YOU do?”

    UBT=“I’m not only a jerk, but also a lazy one, so please gaslight and undermine yourself for me, and get back to me on that ASAP.”

    Hahahaha. Nope.

    • It was so nice of you to go to therapy to improve yourself so you deserved him! I’m so sorry it didn’t work out. /

      (Hey, CL, I can’t get sign in to work. When I try to login, Patreon asks me to sign in to WordPress first, but WP won’t work for me either)

    • Yeah… I got “ it’s 50/50…. and both of us are responsible for the outcome

      UBT: you weren’t folding socks in correct way, and was leaving washed clothes in the laundry room, on the top of not earning money while being a full time student (4.0GPA) and taking care of our house and 3 children simultaneously … oh yeah… supporting my 1M dream and taking care of my mother

      Vs

      Me fucking any willing participant, posting ads online, exposing you / children to deadly diseases, lie and gaslight like there is no tomorrow…

      50/50

      🤮🤮🤮🤮

      I still can’t believe that he was able to make me feel guilty, bad about myself and make me 💃 like a ballroom competitive dancer….

    • XBF was not a cheater in our relationship, but a profound liar. After lying about (a) his alcohol abuse; (b) smoking; (c) opiate use, AND having trickle truthed about more than 1 episode of cheating in his former marriage, had the audacity after the breakup to ask me, “What issues do you own from the relationship?”

      I looked him square in the eyes (having been 100% honest & generous for 18 months) and asked him, “What should I own?”

      He could not say ONE thing I had done wrong, averted his eyes, and said, “I guess it’s all me, then.”

      Yup.

  • STBX: “I haven’t done anything since we went to marriage counseling.”

    UBT: “I learned a lot about OPSEC and you have no idea what I’ve been doing.”

    STBX: “Woukd you consider an open marriage?”

    UBT: “I want you to stay in a sexless marriage and pay my bills while I fuck other guys. You can get your own side piece and be a side piece too. What could go wrong?”

  • 1. Why can’t you be warm and fuzzy like my friend’s widow?

    UBT: She is my OW and she rocks. Unlike miserable old you.

    2. I am wearing a ripped jacket, and my shoes have holes, give me more money, I am so broke.

    UBT: I just bought myself a new Mustang for cash that I think you don’t know about.

    3. I got an AIDS/std test though I never touched her, I just KNEW how suspicious a person you are.

    UBT: I am afraid she gave ME something but I will make it look like I did it for you

    • Ugh. My cheater actually did try and blame me for the STD.

      I was 37 years old and had been with him – and ONLY him! – since I was 17. So when I got genital herpes it should have been a fucking HUGE red flag, right? Well somehow he tested negative for it. I was so confused and brainwashed that I allowed him to convince me that I’d *really* gotten it at age 16 from my prior boyfriend and it just laid there, dormant, without ever having any symptoms show for 21 YEARS!!! Moreover, despite the fact that we had been together for 20 years it somehow never passed on to him in all that time…

      I finally got my head out of my ass when my doctor mentioned “seroreversion” as a relatively common phenomenon among testers. I begged cheater to get the Western Blot (the gold standard in testing) offered by a university lab, but despite me ordering the test kit for him he never did. So eventually I wised up enough to remember that I’d been tested for EVERYTHING under the sun when I’d changed my ob/gyn a couple of years prior. Got the records, and lo and behold – I was negative for hsv2 then! Proof positive that he gave it TO ME, no matter how hard he tried to distort the laws of medical science to make it look like the other way around.

      • Hopeful

        Is it possible? My gyn was telling me it was not
        I was tested for all during my pregnancy3 and all was negative.. somehow I’m positive now with HPV – my husband ( while fucking around for the past 16 years ) is negative

        WTF?

        • There’s no HPV test for men. If he told you that he was tested for that, he lied. If you were tested for it before and it was negative, he gave it to you.

          The body can fight off HPV. My jerk gave it to me, but it’s gone now. I still have the greatly increased cancer risk that goes with it, though. Find out what strain of HPV you have. You need to know if it’s a carcinogenic one.

  • “I deserve to be happy. And i was unhappy.” Ok asshole. You all promise I’ll get to “meh” one day? I’m three weeks out from dday and feel like such a pathetic sack of shit.

    • UBT: “I found an awesome slut. Who are you to get in the way of my selfish pleasure?”

      You will reach Meh on Tuesday.

    • UBT: I was perfectly happy until you found out I was cheating.

      And I agree with ChumpyMcGill regarding Meh. Keep working on it : )

    • UBT: You made me unhappy -behold my blameshifting! – because I was too cowardly and pathetic to talk to you and either break up or do the work. But I had no problem lying to you and making you feel like a pathetic sack of shit.

      It gets better sweetie! Xxx

  • “You made me lie to you”
    “ don’t we deserve to be happy” ( he meant me and him)
    “ I worked my business for 20 years I should be able to retire” ( at the ripe old age of 55 and after he blew about $550k of our retirement money in the failing business and lying to me about it) oh I have not stopped working since I was 16

    “You ruined it” (meaning mediation because I just couldn’t help but tell the TRUTH).

    I’m sure I can think of more.

  • For context, NC since Nov. apart from a few short, business-like emails regarding insurance and taxes. I got this email 2 weeks ago after the divorce was finalized:

    Begin message—-Subject: NOT BUSINESS RELATED
    No need to respond to this email.
    Even though it probably goes without saying; if you ever get to a place where you’re open to general communication again, I’d welcome it. If not or until then, take care and be well.
    Creature —-End message

    I cried like a baby when I read it. Why does he want ‘general communication’ when he’s free to sleep with whomever he wants now? (Not that being married stopped him) I can’t possibly still be kibble supply! Maybe it’s straight forward enough that it doesn’t need UBT but is there anything cloaked in this apparent extension of the olive branch?

    • “Subject: NOT BUSINESS RELATED”
      UBT: WARNING dangling intriguing shiny to get you to open this email

      “No need to respond to this email.”
      UBT: I don’t care what your response is, I just want to emotionally mess with you

      “Even though it probably goes without saying; ”
      UBT: you would divine this, and ever other thought I have, from the universe if you really cared and weren’t such a bitter bunny

      “if you ever get to a place where you’re open to general communication again, ”
      UBT: Again, bitter bunny #Easteriscoming

      “I’d welcome it. ”
      UBT: Yeah, kibbles!

      “If not or until then, take care and be well.”
      UBT: No kibbles? Talk to the hand.

      • “#Easteriscoming”

        This whole translation is worthy of praise but I cracked up at this part!! Hah!

        Thank you = )

    • “I don’t want you to respond to this email but I want you to as well, for I am an inconsistent piece of shit and have no idea what I want for breakfast, let alone what I want in life – so I will just do random shit and hope it sticks, regardless of who it hurts or what happens”

  • Him: Every sentence in which he used the word “mistake”.

    UBT: “I’m a douchebag. Let me prove it to you one more time by calling my douchebag behavior a “mistake”. Stay so you can keep making my dysfunctional life move forward while I go douche around and be my beard so I can make the people who are uncomfortable with my real sexuality comfortable so I can get what I want from them, too.”

  • How about:
    —you move into the apartment you rented. Work on yourself and maybe we can reconcile in 6 months maybe we can even get remarried ( we weren’t divorced)
    #gottagetdivorcedbeforeyouremarry

  • Dr. Cheaterpants caught pursuing DD14’s 20-something asst sports coach in our kids’ Catholic school (not his first schmoopie either). Nothing like an MD at the end of your name to make a 50 year old, walks with a limp, bald old man look attractive to a bimbo though. I kicked his arse to the curb this time and outed them to the school where he was dismissed from the school board and they were both fired from coaching.

    In an effort of image management for both of them, I got a text from him ‘think about our children and especially our daughter before you go around running your mouth’.

    Apparently he doesn’t have to think of them before he thinks of his dick.

    • Twiceachump

      Think about what you say, cause it may hurt the children

      Be a little puppy and shut your mouth, my fucking around and embarrassing our children is not an issue ( omg I can only imagine kids bringing the topic to your daughter 😳😞) but YOU TALKING about it is a damaging action

      Entitlement and mind fuck

  • On the day the movers got there to move me I told my POS ex “I’m moving and my lawyer will be in touch”. He actually looked shocked and said “I would NEVER have left you”. I said “Sweetie, you left me the first time you f**ked another woman so you’ve been gone a LONG time!” I happily cash my alimony check every month and happily took most of his retirement. I sleep just fine at night!

    • “I would NEVER have left you”.

      Oh wow – so you would have continued to eat your cake while screwing around? You wouldn’t have left ME after spreading your *&^%! around? How noble! We could all learn a thing or two from this saintly specimen.
      What is with these people? My ex-h also told me he was surprised when I told him I was going through with the divorce. He told me he “had faith in my forgiving spirit”. Gag me!
      ffs

  • Ex: “I don’t get why we can’t still be friends. You used to be so nice to me. What happened to you?”

    UBT: You used to be my chump. What happened to that? I miss it when you had zero boundaries and were pick me dancing for my approval.

    I should point out that he sends me dick pics and gets pissed off when I don’t reply. Not exactly a super friendly thing, ya know?

      • and employers and his current schmoopie with the forwarding from address highlighted so she knows he’s “communicating” his dick portfolio to NOT HER).

        I’m pretty sure our chump guys already know dick pics are not stimulating except as sources of derision and laughter.

  • “I know it’s hard for you to believe that we were meeting in hotel rooms without having sex but I swear to you we would just sit on the bed and watch football games. She’d gone through a lot, and when she didn’t want to I just respected her instead of pushing the issue.”

    UBT: Maybe if I appeal to that feminazi crap you spew about respecting women then you’ll be too impressed by my magnanimity to notice how stupid I think you are to believe we just sat there and watched football games.

    • Does he know that sports bars are a thing? He could go watch a football game for way cheaper than a hotel room. If that’s indeed what he was really doing…which I highly doubt.

  • “She ended it so she could refocus on her husband”
    “No, you can’t talk to her, she doesn’t want any drama”
    “I could keep my lives (plural) separate”
    “She is just so young and attractive” #fuckfreewill
    “I thought I would feel better aftern I told you”

    • “She ended it so she could refocus on her husband”
      UBT: She got tired of me-

      “No, you can’t talk to her, she doesn’t want any drama”
      UBT: You think I’m gonna let you talk to her and risk finding out about all the other shit I haven’t told you?!-

      “I could keep my lives separate”
      UBT: I really had this double life/hide shit from you thing under control!

      “She is just so young and attractive”
      UBT: It’s all her fault! Hey! Did you hear me say young AND attractive? That was your cue…Why aren’t you dancing yet? #Iwantyoutofeelthreatenedbythiscomment

      “I thought I would feel better after I told you”
      UBT: I wanted to get to you before anyone else did so I can make myself look like slightly less of a dick-

      • It’s ok to cheat, you’re still an honest person and the slate is crystal clean again if you honestly admit cheating afterwards.

        • Yes! Totally what he thought!

          A year out and in the middle of divorce (or whatever ring of hell you call it) and he will still indignantly spew: “it really upsets me when you act like you can’t trust me”. And my personal favorite: “other than the affair, I’m a very trustworthy person.” 😧

          #wizardofoztrifecta
          #ifionlyhadaheart
          #ifionlyhadabrain
          #ifionlyhadthenerve

          • He’s by far not the only one who thinks admitting cheating makes it right and righteous, F&L. It’s actually quite common and I’d like CL to write something more extensive on it.

      • 👍
        Later he did mention that he didn’t tell me out of remorse or regret, he just thought I had figured it out and he would feel relieved. He then said it didn’t make HIM feel better after all so he wishes he hadn’t told me.

        What a child. Why are they all such children?

        • Because they have arrested development. Their brains stopped growing at age 3 in the personality department. It’s why they revert to being akin to toddlers throwing a tantrum when they don’t get their own way.

  • “I have faith in your forgiving spirit”.

    UBT: Roll over and play dead like you usually do. I called you ‘forgiving’ and used the word ‘spirit’. Coochie, coochie, coo, fairy dust, look over there !

  • Why did he leave his job, clothes, credit cards etc behind after I discovered his lies and cheating?

    Why would my ex lie about being homeless/no family/no job if I knew he was lying?

    Why would he threaten me on FB assuming someone else’s identity?

    This is beyond fucked up.

  • >>>Well, either way. We’re done doing favors for anyone including you. Yeah, I want the extra time with (DD) but I’m not going to do it as a favor for you. I’m done. <<<<

    Translation: I need an excuse to not have to be burdened with my autistic daughter except for my court mandated to time. I'd rather punish you than be a good parent.

    • By “punish” I mean he won’t see his daughter an extra weekend next month so I can be in a wedding of one of my closest friends. He had already agreed to it, but then when he found out that I was talking to his parents, he decided not to honor the agreement.

  • By “punish” I mean he won’t see his daughter an extra weekend next month so I can be in a wedding of one of my closest friends. He had already agreed to it, but then when he found out that I was talking to his parents, he decided not to honor the agreement.

  • So maybe you all can help me decipher this. Ex was one of the ones that “just left”. Never asked to save things. We are NC because that is what HE established early on before I ever found CL. The first two years he barely saw the kids. Now he sees them on holidays and made a random trip to our new home state to spend a weekend with them which was a wonderful surprise for them. I invited him into my house so the kids could show him some things they wanted to show off. He ended up running out of here – and was crying. Is that regret? Nothing will change. He won’t ever ask to get back together. I honestly believe him when he said he didn’t love me. Maybe it was regret over the kids? I noticed that a picture of the the kids and I that I have in a frame by the door caught his eye. I just wonder if we really were that easy to dispose of or if there will ever be emotional consequences. I know he is very disordered and I can’t project my capacity for empathy on him. Can an emotional reaction go through the UBT? 🙄

    • My gut says theatrics to cue sympathy.

      “He ended up running out of here – and was crying.”
      UBT: Kids, ignore the fact that I’ve been an absent deadbeat for a large chunk of time. Look! Look at me and how I’m running out of the house like a drama queen. I lingered long enough to make sure you were certain I was crying. I’M hurting. This is painful for ME. Being in your house triggers me, so yeah, you’ll need to send the kids to see me from now on. Kids, you understand right? You saw how upset I was!

      You’re right – don’t project. Secondary regrets mean nothing. You know the man better than I do but I’d be on the lookout for an attempt to weasel his way back in, even if it’s under the guise of “I miss the kids”. Does he really miss them or the attention/adoration they shower him with. Remember – for 2 years he was hardly around. Keep that guard up.

    • UBT (action translating to inner monologue mode): I have decided to become a monk who finds enlightenment through his penis. Well, I think it’s my penis, but it could be that inner demon I’m trying to suppress. Weird, he only comes around when I think of mommy issues and tells me to villainize women who trust in me. Anyhoo, after I listened to my phallus and dropped all my appliances with “feelings,” and all my earthly possessions (well the ones I don’t want or like), I’ve started to realize my penis won’t take care of me in retirement, or give me an ego boost at what a good dad I am to have a Cock-quest over the needs of my children. You mean I am going to have to deal with “feelings” that aren’t mine, or my dick’s to remedy this? But I gave up those base coils to become one with the scrotum in us all. Well that’s not fair, and it’s really bumming me out after all the manipulation and abuse I have demonstrated to serve my penis. Look, you can see how sad it makes me in the glass of that old frame. WHY DO I KEEP BEING HELD UNDER FOR LIVING MY OWN DICK’S TRUTH!?!? WAAAHHHHH!!!

    • Narcissists see their children as extensions of themselves. But not their spouses.

      And maybe he was shocked how well you all have done without his sorry ass.

  • “I really miss the kind woman I married.”

    UBT: Did you just say “no” to me?! I thought our marriage vows meant that I could walk all over you.

  • The bullshit line that still makes me laugh is, ‘It’s hard to remember what went on in one’s head two years ago…’ when I asked him to explain how he ended up screwing his ex-girlfriend while on a previous visit to his home country.

    That and, ‘I can’t believe she threw me under the bus like that,’ referencing his teenage daughter, who had the courage to tell me the truth about his infidelity. (Likely plural.)

  • A summary of my STBXH summary of our almost 15 year relationship:

    “I realize now that I never really loved you. On paper, you checked off all the boxes of an amazing woman, and I thought I would be a fool not to hang on to you. But, shortly after we were married, I realized that I didn’t even really like you, you’re not the kind of person that I would want to be friends with. But everyone loved you and thought you were great, and things were usually fine, so I decided that I could be satisfied with this because I made a commitment. The truth is that I haven’t found you attractive for years. I realize now that I didn’t do as good a job as I thought in enduring this marriage and that you’ve probably felt that I haven’t really loved you as I should, so I caused you to react to that over the years. It’s really my fault that you complained and criticized. I know that the issues we had in this marriage really shouldn’t end up in divorce; we should be able to work this out, but I just don’t have it in me to fight for this. I need to just see what’s out there for me so that I know once and for all, and I need to be free of your influence and control. I know that people are going to think I’m crazy for leaving you, and I’m going to hear it from everyone. But, life with you is all about responsibility and busyness. I need to do something for myself for once.”

    UBT: …..

    • OMG, were we married to the same POS? With every sentence of your summary I read I had chills all over me. They can’t be THAT similar! But yes, they can.

      • Was yours the really nice guy who accommodated everything, thus leading you to believe that you were always on the same page and that you had so much in common? Did you start to notice that he rarely took initiative on much but always felt like he did a lot? Was he always looking busy when people were around (“What a helpful husband you have!”) but then wouldn’t step up at home until you badgered him? Did he rarely come up with an idea for a family vacation or make the phone call to get an estimate on a repair for the house, etc.? And did you find yourself feeling alone even when in the same room as you because he realized that after a series of family traumas (sick mother, very early premature baby, son diagnosed with cancer) you realized that he never once reached out to you and held you in comfort?

        Then, yep, married to the same guy. The accommodators who feel so unappreciated and feed you years of passive aggressive (borderline covert narcissistic) crap, but apparently the real issue is that you were just a shrew who controlled his life with all your adulting.

        • OptionNoMore

          Twinning with the Limited.

          Although, I’ll add that the covert doesn’t want you to move on. “I realized I didn’t really like you.”
          And there it is the sadistic twist of the knife.

          The Limited said, “No one will ever want you the way you are.”

          UBT: The almighty GOD of serial cheaters who picks up skanky whores has condemned you to NEVER being wanted. EVER. #IthefuckerofNanthomyhavespoken
          #putabagoverit

        • OptionNoMore, your description couldn’t be more accurate describing my ex. I felt like you writing about my life with Mr. Great Guy. Looking busy whenever people were around, loading the dishwasher, being so “helpful”. Never stepped up to help me otherwise, and heard how lucky I was to be married to such a “great guy.” His personality would change when we had people over, suddenly he went from being a miserable sloth to this charming full of fun, nothing is too much trouble great guy. Never made a phone call for a home repair or estimate, or anything to do with the house, never had ideas for family vacations or even a family day out. Never took initiative but felt like he did… yes, I thought we were on the same page and had so much in common.
          I’m also now the controlling shrew for taking care of all the adulting in our lives including him being successful in his career.

          • “I’m also now the controlling shrew for taking care of all the adulting in our lives.”

            I have been called a control freak by ex too many times to count. I was left with all the responsibility for everything. And if I was so good at being controlling, it is amazing how he had so much time for drinking, gambling, and cheating.

            I also get “I feel like I am left out and meaningless”. Which leaves me speechless considering he is the one who chose to spend his time partying instead of helping with homework, bathtime, family dinners, and all the other countless tasks that go with parenting. Relationship connections are made during everyday moments. UBT: Let me gaslight you into thinking my lack of relationship skills are your fault.

          • I’m in too:
            “You will make someone else a great wife. Just wait! You’ll meet someone else too and you’ll see how unhappy you really are!”
            UBT: I did! And now I can make someone else a really great husband!
            And then, the infamous line-of-all-time:
            “I love you. I really do. I’m just not ‘in love’ with you. I know that is SO cliche – but it’s true. I’m relieved that now we can actually be friends” #copycatasshole

  • [After 20 years together…] “I don’t think we ever were in love.”

    UBT: I cannot love anyone, not really, including myself, and I must seek out any PYT that makes me feel better about myself since you refuse to unquestioningly worship me anymore. And I must make you believe you never loved me so I don’t look and feel like a monster for what I’ve done…cause we’re just “incompatible.”

    My response: Speak for yourself, I loved you. And I was devoted to you.

    • Ex said the same line, “you never loved me.” I want someone different who I have more in common with.

      Thanks for letting me know that I never loved you.
      Together 25 years, we have nothing in common?

    • OptionNoMore, your description couldn’t be more accurate describing my ex. I felt like you writing about my life with Mr. Great Guy. Looking busy whenever people were around, loading the dishwasher, being so “helpful”. Never stepped up to help me otherwise, and heard how lucky I was to be married to such a “great guy.” His personality would change when we had people over, suddenly he went from being a miserable sloth to this charming full of fun, nothing is too much trouble great guy. Never made a phone call for a home repair or estimate, or anything to do with the house, never had ideas for family vacations or even a family day out. Never took initiative but felt like he did… yes, I thought we were on the same page and had so much in common.
      I’m also now the controlling shrew for taking care of all the adulting in our lives including him being successful in his career.

  • Oh this is fun! Got this text the other day … I have whole letter I may do …

    “Sorry I don’t mean to bring up old wounds. I always justify it by saying I am protecting you. But I am realizing I am being selfish and only protecting myself. And the truth is always better in the long run.”

    Translation!:
    “Sorry I don’t mean to bring up old wounds.”

    Haha I can still upset you! #Sparkles

    “I always justify it by saying I am protecting you.”

    What you don’t know won’t hurt you. See how nice I am to lie to you? #AlwaysThinkingOfYou #niceguy

    “But I am realizing I am being selfish and only protecting myself.”

    Selfish is my new buzz word. It seems to shut you up and I like the way it rolls off my awesome tongue. What does it mean again? I know it has something to do with me. #me

    “And the truth is always better in the long run.”

    Gotcha! This is actually a really good example of how I like to lie. The truth is never better. #TellEmWhatTheyWantToHear #TakeItToTheGrave #NoProof #TrickySausage

    • “I know it has something to do with me. #me”

      Lololololololol bwahahaha

      That’s hilarious.

  • Wow! I never blocked CheaterX, and I wanted to keep the lines open in case he stumbled across something I owned after I moved out of the marital home. Anyway, about a year after I moved out, and only six months after he’d married Schmoopie, I received a long voicemail saying that Schmoopie was planning on filing for divorce and he wondered if it was because of money and oh by the way, he’d like to talk about “our” future.

    I can’t post the entirety here because the UBT would blow up, so I’ll just post a few snippets.

    CheaterSpeak– I’m going through a tough patch here. I’m trying to get out of it with my whole skin. Which is probably impossible, so I just want to let you know you were right.

    UBT–Look at me! I am having a hard time. I will be flayed alive! Oh, and you were right. I know I’m not going to tell you what you were right about, but you were. I can’t be specific because in fact, you never said anything about Schmoopie and her motives. Also, I can’t be specific because if I were, I’d have to admit some kind of culpability and I can’t do that.

    CheaterSpeak–everything kind of went weird the day of the wedding. I don’t even know how to describe it and ever since then it’s just been right downhill. Right after the time you left everything started changing

    UBT–We needed you for triangulation. If you hadn’t left, I’d never have married her. Things would still be great.

    CheaterSpeak–I know you went through a lot. How she treated you was bad. But I’m out from under the spell now. I’m back in Reality Land.

    UBT–It was her fault, not mine. I have no agency. Also, I was in a fog. And bespelled. I am a fucking timid forest creature coming in from the fog after being kidnapped by a witch!

    There’s so much more.

    I keep the voicemail to remind myself just how well off I am now that I don’t have to put up with someone who cannot take responsibility for any of his actions.

    • It must feel great tough to hear that his affair with his “twu luv” exploded. To think that he had the nerve to turn to you and expect something i return after what he had done shows how delusional your ex is. Doesn’t the guy have a friend or family member to talk to about his problems now?

      • Oh, a few months after the voice mail, he sent me an actual voice memo about how he had Type I Chiari malformation (helps explain his frequent headaches), and he went to a psychologist who thought he might be Borderline, but he thought that he had Disassociative Identity Disorder (what used to be called multiple personalities) which was caused by the Chiari malformation. And of course HE had to be the one to figure this out because the medical establishment just doesn’t get it.

        He rambled on for about 20 minutes and ended with “forgive me.” He hadn’t apologized or otherwise taken ownership of his actions.

        With respect to friends or family, his brother cheated on his first wife. His parents are deceased, but his father had a long-term mistress. The apple did not fall far from the tree.

    • kb, you’ve got a classic there. It sounds like the dude is looking around for that comfortable old pair of shoes he discarded in favor of the shiny new ones that hurt his feet. And he doesn’t get that there isn’t an “our future” to discuss because there is no “us.”

      Entitled creep.

    • Oh Lord! That’s a doozy. And yes, they are never responsible for anything in their lives. I guess it all just happens to them.

  • “I am sorry for my part in our breakup”
    #Didn’t meet my needs #grewapart-secretlycheatingdoesthat
    #HooveringXwhobrokeupwithlivein#3

  • “I think about you all the time”

    To put it in context it was 9 month after he never, filed, didn’t show up for court, and had been living in a building with her that was soon condemned.

    UBT: I think about you when she makes me accountable for my time, constantly wanting to know my whereabouts, and having to listen to her needy rants and raging.

      • Yes, and this was said the day he finally showed up. Settlement was signed in my favor. All I cared about was my pension and I kept it!

        “She makes no money”.

        UBT: She not only has no money; she can’t keep a job. My future faking looked promising.

  • Here is text to our shared hair stylist (who is has been texting weird pick-up shit to for months) from my stbx- “My first wife L*** was abusive and crazy, my middle marriage was a nonmarriage, and with Teresa, it was hot at first but the emotional connection was never made.”

      • Ok here is my UBT …

        “My first wife L*** was abusive and crazy,”

        UBT: My first marriage feel apart because #crazy. #notmyfault

        ” … my middle marriage was a nonmarriage,”

        UBT: Apparently I got married again after that but I don’t remember that #rebound? #WTFH?

        ” … and with Teresa, it was hot at first but the emotional connection was never made.”

        UBT: My third wife just didn’t get me. She didn’t want to dig past all my BS and connect with me on a deeper more superficial level. I was sending out my emotional wifi to her, but she just couldn’t login. #NotMyFaultAgain #Xfinity

      • My first wife was abusive and crazy after she found out that I had cheated, my second marriage was nonexistent because I was nonpresent (so many chicks, so little time, certainly not for the wife) and with Theresa, it was hot at first but no emotional connection was made because I was too busy cheating on her, too. Hey, have you noticed, I’ve been married and divorced three times at my age, I really like and appreciate being married. I’m such a relationship/ marriage material!

    • UBT: I go through wives the way other men go through tissues. Sometimes the tissues are store-brand and scratchy, sometimes they are regular, and Teresa was a lotion tissue. But who wants to keep used tissues?

    • “I drove my first wife crazy because I’m an abusive asshole, I used the second one as a wife appliance/non person and the third one was a human Fleshlight,nothing else. I fail to see that I’m the common denominator in three (count ’em) imploded marriages. Won’t you feel sorry for me and become my next victim ?”

    • UBT: It’s them NOT me. I’m not responsible for anything that happens to me cause: women be crazy and boring.

  • “He’ll never cheat on ME”

    UBT: Hahahaha

    “He’s the best lover I’ve ever had.”
    “You’re a frigid cunt that will die alone.”

    UBT: I knew if I sat at a casino bar picking up men for one night stands long enough one would stick. He left a wife; I’m special.

  • This one really requires no UBT but is funny;

    “Just because I said it doesn’t mean it’s true!”

    Yes, Adolph actually said those words when trying to do a 180 on a previous, very definitive statement. Adolph was always doing 180s on his own claims and didn’t get why it was equal parts infuriating and amusing.

    Perhaps the UBT would just spit out; “So I have the IQ of belly button lint in addition to being a pathological liar. What’s your problem?”

    • Mine said ” I misspoke myself.” which is the point that I realised that I could never respect him or take him seriously again. I could not love someone who said ” I misspoke myself” unironically. I had hung determinedly onto my love for him through 3! Ddays but it withered and died with a single sentence, as I realised how stupid and easy to manipulate he thought I was. Standing there with my mouth open, expecting some kind of clarifying punchline that never came.

  • About three weeks after he “officially” moved in with Schmoopie we met at the bank to open separate accounts and do some paperwork. While we were waiting for our appointment he started with:

    “You know, I’ve been thinking, and it would be such a shame to waste the last 20+ years of hard work we put in to getting ahead and raising our boys so what do you think about ….”. I cut him off right there!

    The UBT translated this as “OH MY FUCKING HELL, WHAT THE EFF DID I DO. SCHMOOPIE IS MAD, SHE DOESN’T EARN ANYTHING, I’M SICK OF PAYING FOR EVERYTHING AND HAVE YOU SEEN HOW SMALL HER PLACE IS. ANNNNNNND ITS RIGHT NEXT TO THE FIRE STATION AND THEIR FRICKING SIREN GOES OFF ALL. NIGHT. LONG SO I CAN’T GET ANY SLEEP. AND THEN THEY HAVE THE CATTLE AUCTION IN THE PARKING LOT RIGHT OUTSIDE SO WHEN THE SIREN ISN’T GOING I GET THE AUCTIONEER GOING “WHO’LL GIVE ME 25, 25, 25,”! AND REMEMBER HOW QUIET IT IS AT HOME WITH THAT LOVELY FARM BACKING ON TO THE HOUSE. OH AND BY THE WAY, SCHMOOPIE REALLY DOES LOOK LIKE THE NORTH END OF A CAMEL GOING SOUTH WHEN THE BEER GOGGLES COME OFF”!

    Damn, I enjoyed that!

    • LOL, perfect. Once after D-day, discard, separation and pre-divorce drama, emotional and mental abuse, already having told the child, etc….cheater says to me “I’m not sure we’re doing to right thing here.” Uh, what?!

      UBT: I’m about to lose half my stuff?!? BUT IT’S MY STUFF?!?! Maybe I can endure you a little longer.

      My Response: [awkward silence and blank stare, then] I filed. I’m petitioner. It’s done.

      • She dumped him and he has moved on to another Schmoopie who I’m pretty sure saw a meal ticket too. Oddly enough she has now gotten a job “because she was bored at home” and he is looking for one (he is retired on a damn good pension). Couldn’t care less actually as he is way, way away from me! Oh and my second son gets married tomorrow and the Twat won’t be there so life is good!

  • I need translation

    “Something I need to tell you….I had the opportunity to do some reflecting and when I met you (30 years ago) I was dealing with a lot of things, a recent very painful break up and dealing with guilt and unresolved grief over the suicide of my cousin.

    I was in a venerable place mentally, emotionally and in a lot of pain. As a result our engagement occurred before we were built the foundation necessary to have a healthy relationship and marriage (29 years). We were never in love with each other and should not have married. I do not regret of (6) children and will always love then but we both failed them a for that I am sorry.

    The “very painful breakup” is the the OW he is living with now who divorced her husband to be with mine. He moved 5,000 miles away and took a 50% pay cut to be with her. Now he sends “certified” letters saying he is negative $800 per month and wants to re-negotiate our divorce because he can’t support himself anymore.

    #sellthetuck
    #getasecondjob
    #yougotthehighschoolgirlfriendback

  • Traitor: I’m afraid you are going to harm me. Maybe you are trying to poison me. (Had indigestion from too much cider with cookies).
    UBT: Wouldn’t it be convenient if something happened to you so Whore and I could get our hands on the farm, you inconvenient, obsolete appliance.
    I didn’t know he was cheating again yet. Months later I caught (cough, cough, thank you VAR) Whore wondering if I would gift the farm to her son, whom I had helped raise since he was 2 – we had 50% custody. They were on the phone while I was in town 80 kms away picking up her son from school to take him swimming and bring him back to the farm, our twice weekly handover for the past 8 years. You’re welcome.

  • Intercepted message 1.
    When we spent time together, we were playful, you were happy and you slept well.
    Intercepted message 2.
    I loved holding your head in my lap and laying on your chest.
    Her: no there was no sex!
    What does Chump Nation think?

    • Of course we believe her. Just read above, so many upstanding citizens just spending whole nights with OW discussing meaning of life and differences between Kirkengaard’s and Sartre’s understanding of existential angst; or paying for hotel rooms to watch football.

      Though my advice to you is to kick her out – if at her age all she does when alone with a man is to lay her head on his chest, she’s immature and childish. You need a grown up woman, not a childish girl. Grown ups have sex.

    • Most likely we all think “burn the witch”.
      Or is it just me? In either case, burn her. She’s a lying, cheating no good ho.

    • David, what do you think about finding 2 dozen ‘come fuck me’ notes, with fill-in-the-blank date and time slots? That didn’t convince me she was cheating, until years later. It can be difficult to believe they would really cheat and that our soulmate really didn’t love us the way we thought. I was standing in de Nile for years, are your feet wet too? Chump Lady and the magnificent Chump Nation are here for you.

    • Those messages are older. I actually believed her back then. Since those messages, caught her with 26 year old. Her in the 40s. Never could prove anything with the above. Not that it matters. Just wanted to hear yalls opinion. To add to the above.
      3. When can we hook up? 4. If you are feel it lonely I will be at my moms.
      These people are sick!

  • “I miss the house.”

    UBT: I used to live in Sisu’s nice house. She did the adulting and paid all the bills since I told her I couldn’t afford to pay my share. Now I have a crappy apartment I pay $1,250 a month for. #Ilied,Ihavemoney

    • Ha, ha! I’ve heard “I miss the farm” and “DS4 misses the farm, but doesn’t want to see you.”

  • This is the last email I got from my ex before I finally blocked him on all social media, phone, email for good and went no contact. After me telling him clearly and unequivocally that I wanted no further contact with him, he showed up at my (remotely located) house unannounced and demanded to be let in to talk because he was having a sadz. I was seriously fearful for my safety given that he had kicked in one of my doors before. After telling him to leave, and him going to every door and window to try to convince me to let him in, I loaded up my gun, pointed it at him through the window and he finally left. This is the email he sent as a follow up to that encounter. (UBT in Parentheses)

    I am sorry to upset you today. That was not my intention.

    (My intention was to get narcissistic supply because I desperately need someone to pay attention to me! And I wanted to see if I could either weasel my way back into your life or at least get some of those tools out of the shed)

    I came there because I need a friend to talk to and you are who I hold in highest regard.

    ( I am pretty desperate right now and even we both know how badly I fucked you over I still think you are stupid enough to fall for my bullshit lines)

    C died and M is headed there fast. she is in the Hospital.

    (I am having to face my own mortality and it is scaring me shitless. None of the people who used to listen to my endless monologues are around to let me talk endlessly without calling me on my bullshit!)

    I have stayed away because that is what you wanted. Not because I don’t care.

    ( I thought I had another sugar momma but she kicked me to the curb, so now I’m baaaaack!)

    I am so sorry for causing you to hurt or feel bad.

    (I think I am supposed to say this but I really don’t mean it–see multiple “dittos” below)

    You are a good soul and I wish that I was better to you.

    (Ditto)

    I realize that you don’t like me and I understand that I have hurt you.

    (Ditto)

    It would be better to be friends and perhaps we can lose bitter feelings?

    (Because narcs love “friends” kibble too! Maybe it can turn into “friends with benefits”. Who knows?)

    I know that you are awesome in so many ways…

    ( Ditto)

    If I could help you by righting any wrongs it could help us both.

    (If you called me on this bullshit and asked me to name the wrongs I perpetrated on you, I couldn’t. You see in my mind you wronged me)

    My sincere regrets for causing you pain, etc.

    ( etc.? really? DITTO!)

    I am not proud of my behavior, and being a true friend to you is my way of saying I love you and want the very best for you.

    (I wouldn’t know a true friend if it bit off my nutsack. So for me to be one to you does not have a high probability)

    Please think about being my friend, I will be stand up.

    (I will stand up and piss all over you again if you are stupid enough to give me a chance)

    K

    (AKA: fuckface, narcboy, man child, cheater mc cheatface, liar mc lieface, I fuck guys but I’m not gay, Wingnut. )

    • With ‘friends’ like your ex…..who needs enemies! Stick to your guns….no pun intended. You are a brave woman, and a smart one peaceatlast!

    • “I thought I had another sugar momma, but she kicked me to the curb so now I’m baaack.” Hahahahahaha

    • First, remember that No Contact is the Way to the Light. Second, I like the response of “FOAD” and then No Contact.

      (FOAD: F**k Off And Die)

  • “I don’t know how to find my way back to you” (accompanied by sobs).

    UBT: “I won’t stop fucking the OM.”

    • Alternative UBT for David2016’s ‘lost’ wife: “The relationship GPS keeps sending me back to the OM….and my moral compass isn’t working at all!

  • The OW after I found messages between them describing how much they wanted to engage in oral sex with one another: “We are just friends! You have nothing to worry about. Your partner and I are basically just like family!”

    Me: *scratches head* You want to have oral sex with your family???

  • This is very long. Maybe too long to post, so forgive me. But it helped me enormously when I wrote it. Snark is good for the soul.

    The Black Forest Tart put pen to paper, to explain to Tina (aka Mrs Horse’s Ass) the finer points of the affair between herself (the BFT) and Mr Ed Horse’s-Ass. To be fair, English was not the first language of the Bavarian Ho-Pair, so her missive benefits from being run through the UBT. I tried to put The Ho-Pair’s words e in small italicized font. Translation in bold. Maybe not quite bold enough but I did my best.
    Looks like the italics and the bold aren’t ‘on’….still, I’ll post it anyway.

    “When I met Mr Ed (Mr ‘Horse’s Ass) the first time, there was something….I don’t know whether I should say ‘in the air’ or in his and also in my eyes? But there was right away from the first moment of seeing each other – lots of understanding without saying a word. ”
    The hotel bar was full of businessmen, reeking of testosterone and cheap booze. Your hubby and I locked eyes in that murky, smelly bar and fell instantly in lust. I could tell what was on his mind and I was also easy to read….very very easy.

    “I knew that he was (and I think still is) a man who can give so much warmth, tenderness, understanding and love to a woman. I never felt the same, before or after meeting him.”
    After several meaningful minutes of ogling it was obvious that he was hot (for me), He understood me (that I was prepared to fuck him if he smiled and told me I was smart and pretty). Did I mention I thought he was hot? Of all the married men I’ve met in bars since I’ve been a ho-pair in he was my favourite: tender and juicy.

    “Like I tried to tell you before, it is difficult to explain something like that. On purpose I’m trying to avoid the words ‘love at first sight’ because I know it’s not the same. ”
    I don’t think I mentioned the whole ‘love’ thing when I called you earlier, did I? No? Just as well. My English isn’t really up explaining something as vague and theoretical as love. And anyway, who can tell if it’s love after one fuck?

    “Later on, at least from my side, it was love. But not in the beginning. I think the most important, precious, beautiful moment was when I saw him for the first time.”
    I can use the ‘l’ word because he wasn’t just interested in a quick fuck. That’s ‘love’, right? Also he had nice manners (such a Canadian thing!), didn’t offer me money (for a taxi or whatever). He drove me home and he called me the next day. What a guy. One in a million and I should know. So in hindsight that first sexy eye-lock took on a whole world of meaning. Your hubby is a real gem.

    “Well, after a little while he introduced himself and about 10 or 15 minutes later he started talking about you and your son.”
    He told me all about you and your child…..personal stuff too.

    “Please don’t think that Mr. Ed is somebody who talks about his life right away. But he must have felt the same thing, the same way that I did. ”
    Your husband divulged so many juicy details of his (sad) married life….but he waited at least ten whole minutes before he spilled his guts to me. And it wasn’t just to garner sympathy and get into my panties. We understood each other. Even though it turns out I’m closer to your son’s age than to your hubby’s I’m experienced for my age. Really experienced. He liked that about me. He couldn’t stop himself from telling me all about what he needed (me).

    “When I asked him later on he told me that he did have this feeling. He could be open with me and that was why he started talking. He told me that that is what he’s missing at home….somebody who is able to listen if he wants to talk and somebody who talks if he wants to listen.”
    Poor sad sausage. Your pathetic communication skills drove him into my arms.

    “I am glad that I found someone who could really listen.”
    Your loss is my gain. I loved talking about myself and pointing out my best selling features to someone who was so eager to know everything about me. He even liked it when I spoke German to him…especially if I whispered in his ear. He was that keen!

    “There are not much more things which I could and I think should tell you, but let me say that Mr. Ed is a very responsible man, who loves his son very much.”
    What a time we had in the sack!!!! But I won’t bore you with those details. But allow me to float the idea that your hubby was acting with utmost responsibility when we fucked. He bought condoms! AND….while he was fucking me (or was it after?) he mentioned his son. What a great father!

    “About his love to you he told me that somewhere along the way feelings like that get lost. But it is never to late to get them back. I think it is a very long fight, something which should fulfill one his whole life.”
    What did you do? Misplaced the love!! That was stupid and careless of ‘one’. Careless of YOU I mean. It’s obvious it was your fault. You’ll have to shape up and dance like crazy if you want to ‘win’ him back. You’ll probably have to do the pick-me dance for the rest of your life. He’s not much on dancing. Not at all, in fact.

    “Please Tina I will never again ask for something but you must promise me to fight for Mr. Ed’s love. It’s worth it. ”
    I want one more thing from you (fucking your hubby wasn’t enough) I want you to promise (for his sake) that you will try to be more like me. Appreciate all that Mr. Ed has to offer. Let me tell you…your husband is a prize Horse’s Ass.

    “Show him and tell him that he is the man in your life. Try to make clear, everyday, that you wish to continue a life with him and never let him down.”
    One last bit of advice: your sole purpose in life is to make him feel as good as I made him feel. He has to be the one and only man in your life. No cheating! You must strive to be as good and as loyal and…oh wait….forget that….just do whatever he wants you to do, every day for the rest of your life.

    “I know that he still loves you and just if you wonder it doesn’t even hurt me because I know on the side of wife and son a life for Mr. Ed is much better. That’s the place where he belongs. .It is very seldom that two people meet and fit together the way Mr. Ed and I did. But it wasn’t forseen for a life with me”
    Maybe not quite all the love is lost, like he told me in the bar. Or he just doesn’t want to give up the domestic kibble. I couldn’t care less because I’m leaving. It was sexy fun while it lasted for him and me and I have my whole life ahead of me.

    “That’s why you must get him back. I do not wish something very often, but this is what I wish most of all, that you both get back together. Fight for me, because I still love him.”
    Poor Mrs H A…you are stuck with the Herculean chump’s task of trying to ‘get back’ a man you didn’t even realize you had misplaced! Good luck with that. I’m such a noble person, I graciously concede the contest. My flight home is booked so I can magnanimously offer this advice “Fight for him….because I love him”. Did I mean ‘because’ ? Is this poor English or poor logic?

    “I think you should know also that whenever he will contact me again and it’s not going to work for the both of you I’ll be with him immediately.”
    I feel a nostalgic tingling in my lady-parts! What if I return and want to rekindle our special special ‘love’. Here’s something for you to think about: Mr. Horse’s Ass knows how to reach me. He knows that I’m up for a bootie call on short notice. Consider yourself warned.

    “Your friend the Black Forest Tart
    Kiss your son.”
    Because I just can’t resist a final kiss off…to subtly remind you that kid is the only one who wants you to kiss him. Your hubby preferred my kisses.
    *****Seriously…she signed “your FRIEND”!!!!!*****

    • My dearest friend Tina.! I’m writing you because as a smirking, condescending bitch with a great sense of superiority I just have this strong need to hurt you by telling you how quickly your husband fell into my bed. No wonder, as you suck in bed, can’t care for his awesomeness because you just can’t listen and he’s only staying with you because of your son. Despite his warmth, tenderness and understanding I don’t want him anymore because I’ve met other men who are paying more. So, even though our love is divinely ordained he’s no longer good enough for me but he’s good enough for you, my dearest Tina. Of course, you aren’t even remotely as magnificent as me so you’ll have to dance around him and admire him each and every day till the rest of your life if you want him to stay with you. You’re worthless nothing, Tina, that’s why he’s so worth fighting for! But alas, I can get him back whenever I want. Now that I did my best to put you down, accept my sincerest best wishes for you future!

      OMG Tina, how vile! Hugs and best wishes…

  • Slunt: I’m a Christian woman.

    UBT: I have morals. Didn’t you see the rosary beads I hung from his rear view mirror. Those are mine.

    He is an atheist.

    Limited: I’ll dump her too.

    UBT: She was all I could get.

    • My ex is also an atheist–though he is an apologist about it and often just says he’s “spiritual.” OW is from a VERY Christian family. I am assuming she is open to leaving it behind.

      Ex also spent ten years telling me he wasn’t interested in having kids. OW apparently wants a big family. Hopefully Ex can bear to open his tightly clenched wallet when she starts pushing out babies.

  • I wanted to inform the OW’s husband about the affair as he was in the dark. I contacted the OW and her husband’s pastor and their pastor set up a meeting with both of them so he could break the news to the husband. I’m sure that went well! The next day my STBXH was LIVID! How dare I ruin his reputation and out them. He actually screamed this to me. “Maybe I did something “wrong”, but, you just “ruined her family”! Talk about blame shifting!

    • The last week I was legally married to my ex, I sent a letter to her very Christian father, whose work address I found online. I told him I wanted nothing from him, only for him to know what his daughter did and my ex husband did. The truth. I also let him know that the photos of them having sex, that I uncovered accidentally, were in safekeeping with my lawyer and were only being held until the divorce was final.
      Wow were the OW and Ex angry at me. OW, who carefully avoided me through the whole D-Day and divorce, sent me a livid email to stop “stalking” her and “telling lies” about her. Hmm. Sorry darling…a picture is worth a thousand words…those photos told me undeniably what the truth was.

      • Clarifying point: the letter was to OW’s dad. My ex’s dad probably wouldn’t have batted an eyelash.

  • Here are comments made by my cheater’s girlfriend. These were written to me WHEN I WAS STILL MARRIED to him:

    “I have a BA in psychology and secondary education. I have worked in various fields before returning home to become an owner/CFO of our very successful family business. I am now president of our family’s charitable foundation working with other organizations throughout New Jersey and Philadelphia. I am not a bimbo or someone Joe met on the street….”

    “I do have empathy for what you are going through as your marriage continues to fall apart, but your marriage was in bad shape long before Joe became interested in me. I am not the cause of the rift in your marriage…”

    “. Our relationship is not about sex, (although we have found we enjoy that with each other immensely)…”

    “He was angry that you involved your(grown) children every time your marriage was in trouble. They would not feel the way they do if you had not involved them in the issues that should have been strictly between the two of you. You and you alone tarnished the image of their father for them….”

    “He would go back to you out of guilt, worry that you would make good on your many threats of suicide….”

    Could you please put this through the UBT? Thanks

    • “I have a BA in psychology and secondary education. I have worked in various fields before returning home to become an owner/CFO of our very successful family business. I am now president of our family’s charitable foundation working with other organizations throughout New Jersey and Philadelphia. I am not a bimbo or someone Joe met on the street….”

      UBT – I am not some common street whore I am a high class, educated, successful whore. I am the #QUEENofWHORES. Be amazed and intimidated by my magnificent whoredom, you boring average uninteresting wife.

      “I do have empathy for what you are going through as your marriage continues to fall apart, but your marriage was in bad shape long before Joe became interested in me. I am not the cause of the rift in your marriage…”

      UBT I have no empathy for you. I have no feelings for anyone other than myself. (Well I do have crotch tingles for your husband but we will get to that later.) You are pathetic and you wrecked your marriage all on your lonesome. My sparkling fabulous #QUEENofWHORES cunt didn’t lure your husband away. I take no responsibility for all my slutty magnificance – it just is. It’s a force of nature really. Be mad at the universe for making me such an amazing whore.

      “. Our relationship is not about sex, (although we have found we enjoy that with each other immensely)…”

      UBT About those crotch tingles I mentioned…

      • Sorry my fauxUBT gagged on this next part so I had to leave to clean up the mess and come back.

        “He was angry that you involved your(grown) children every time your marriage was in trouble. They would not feel the way they do if you had not involved them in the issues that should have been strictly between the two of you. You and you alone tarnished the image of their father for them….”

        UBT You are a very bad person. You made your husband be responsible for his own actions. How dare you? How dare you be honest with your children? If not for you being honest they would love him and me as well. There is no way they would be disgusted by our lying, cheating ways if only you had lied to them more as you raised them and made sure to feed them on a steady diet of shit sandwiches. I mean really – its like you are not even trying to learn the “pick me dance” choreography. #YouForgotTheFuckingJazzHands #NooneCaresAboutCharacterIfYouUseTheJazzHands

        “He would go back to you out of guilt, worry that you would make good on your many threats of suicide….”

        UBT You are not able to win him except by pity because you do not have my #MagicSparkleCunt. You are no match for the #QUEENofWHORES Stop raining on our sex parade damn it.

        • She was implying there that she wanted me to make good on my (too?) many threats of suicide. This, coming from a woman who is honored in her field for her many charitable, highly (self-publicized) works! By, the way, I am fine now. This letter that she wrote is a few years old. I am now happily divorced.

      • Geez. The OW who oozed her way into MY life could have written this, except that she is a PhD (bow before the degree!) and a SCIENTIST. Because scientists are morally superior to everybody else because scientific method. She wrote:

        “I’m sorry I had an affair with your husband”.
        UBT: “I’m sorry you found out. I actually had a GREAT time fucking him all over Europe.

        “Life is complicated”
        UBT: “In spite of my many degrees, I am surprised (surprised I tell you!) by how complicated things got when your STBX threw me under the bus and told you!! There was much hand-wringing by me. Please don’t tell my husband-chump, as it could wreck my retirement on the Mediterranean.”

  • Here you go CN – This was sent from Mr Cheaterpants to me – one week after he told me I had to get out (with our son) of our marital home so his new shmoopie could move in:

    I asked things in a nice manner like how about I move instead and you can rent our house from me. Your reply no. When you say go to counseling with you all the things you are saying allow you to look good and me bad. You are forcing me to be the bad guy and you appear all innocent. I mean really how does it look if I have you served with papers and thrown out of our house, it looks as if I’m throwing my son out. You are being so controlling by saying no to any thing I offer. This is why we have problems in the first place, you are so controlling all the time. Really think about those things. I told you I’ve built a wall and every time I come up with a reasonable solution I get told no. So yeah you’re still controlling everything the only way being left for me is to look like a complete asshole which is how I think you want me to look. I’m already a asshole it’s just we need to show everyone how big a asshole I am is how I see it. I’m struggling with learning to do things for myself and I know its something I need to do but I still think you could be more helpful. I’m sorry this is where we’ve ended up our paths have changed. I believe in God but I feel He has let me down. I’m hoping in time I can find my way with him again. I love my children and I may not be the best example for them all the time but I will always love them. This had to happen us being apart I hate coming home anymore I only do it because of the kids. Maybe it’s selfish of me I don’t know but I want to be happy again and she makes me happy you don’t. I know we will be tied together because of the kids. You tell me what I’m supposed to do. You don’t want to rent the house you don’t want to move what exactly am I supposed to do. I’m tired of waiting you are still controlling things by this stance you’ve taken. We are both hurting in our own ways I don’t know what else to say or ask anymore any other options I know of make me out to be a complete asshole.”

    Love to hear y’alls take on UBT for this mess.

    • “You aren’t bowing down to my needs so I am going to demonise you to all and sundry, and blame you for destroying my life because I have the sadz”

    • “You tell me what I’m supposed to do.”

      Please, please tell me what to do. I’ve cheated and you can stay in the house and pay me rent. Can’t you understand I need to use you for image management, becsuse you know – asshole.

      For Fuchs sake he’s a whimpy manchild. I really think this should be UBTed by Tracy.

    • BWAHAHAAAAA!!

      UBT: WAAAAAWAAAA HELP ME I CAN’T DO ANYTHING WAAAWAAA #ultimatesadsausage I DON’T WANNA BE A PATHETIC ASSHOLE BUT I CAN’T HELP IT WAAAAAA HEEEEELP MEE

    • UBT: in this example we can see the thought process of a brain with advanced syphilitic delirium.

    • OMG Too Smart,
      I totally lost count of how many “I” “I” “I””I” ssssss in this shit.

      AND “YOU” are being so controlling!
      You can’t make this shit up, still it makes my blood boil.
      If a cheater read what they write ,or had a tape played back to them of the shit they say….well, they still would NEVER get it, NEVER!!
      No wonder Chumps keep coming back to CN to share this unbelievable shit, as no one, NO ONE, else would ever get it!

      I am still shaking my head at this one.
      Mic drop!

      • Also, Too Smart ( and you certainly are),
        He is doing a damn good job of making himself look bad without any help from you.

  • After confronting the OWhore with evidence, she panicked and tried to backpaddle. After overexplaining with a bunch of drivel and denial that I clearly didn’t buy, she threw out “I’m sorry you’re threatened by me.”

    UBT: I’ll act tough, but really I’m so weak and pathetic I’ll crumble like a 3 day old bickie when challenged.

    #pleaseplaynice #I’mweakaspiss #Ireallywannabeyou #alwaysirrelevant #Ifuckedwiththewrongwife

  • “ I am sad you moved your gear out. I am sorry IF I made you feel pain. It wasn’t intentional”
    “I met her (on deployment ) and she was no drama. I was loyal to you for a long time. Plus I want a son. You think you could push another kid out? It’s hard for me, I have to choose between you and having a son”

    • That gives me chills. Imagine he has a son and the son hopefully grows up to be an honest, caring, responsible and loving man. Poor guy, knowing that his existence was based on betrayal and selfishness.

      Hugs to you Ej. You are so much more valuable and precious than the vague wish for a puppet to bring up in his own image that your cheater is probably thinking of.

  • Help! I know we’ve been married over 20 years, but because my mother died when I was 20, I have abandonment issues and have always had to sabotage a relationship to make the girlfriends leave me just like my mother did. UBT translation needed.

    • 20 is a magical number. Next time it will be 25 because he stubbed his toe at 25 and his toe nail fell off “and left him” and therefore he must rebel, cheat and lie at 25 years of marriage, because, you know – special Snowflake.

      We have all had “bad things” happen in our life.
      This person is doing some serious navel gazing and of course – his bad behaviour can’t be his fault!!!!

      Nope – can’t adult. Broken toy. You are not required to either fix nor stand by this person. It his completely on him to go for therapy and mend his mistakes.

      I recommend you stop examining ( untangling the skien ) and go focus on your new life without drama boy.

  • From the wedding website

    #ishityounot!!!

    Our story began with two separate journeys

    ( we were both married and burdened by spouses, laundry and children’s sporting events )

    – the same as every other

    (No – because usually both people starting a relationship are single)

    It comes from a place where two people met, became amazing friends, and grew closer and closer without realizing it.

    #seminaryschool
    #boozedoesthat

    What began as a friendship ( I am allowed to have friends !!!), grew strong, built on trusting one another and having confidence the other one would be there ( when we could sneak away ) when we needed them.

    #2ambathroomtexts

    It comes from moments strung together, from a place we never imagined it ever would …
    But that’s not what is important.
    #possiblyagenitalarea
    #wordsaladfirstcourse

  • I could UBT the entire text dump that I have between Cheater and AP lasting several weeks last summer, but the UBT would choke after the first dozen or so nauseating exchanges. Here’s a nugget, though:

    Cheater says to AP, “I think I am actually quite capable of accepting and appreciating being provided for, emotionally and otherwise. I may resist it a bit initially, but I’m ready. I’ve felt more on my own than I have liked for a long time. This is a tender subject with me because of how things are with LezChump. She can’t help having debilitating fatigue. And she does a lot with the house and kids. A lot. But the thought of being with someone who enjoys taking care of people and things and who has the energy to do it well and happily….SIGH.”

    (By the way, Cheater had earlier claimed that she had been the one holding shit together most of the time for years, when in fact – due to differences in work schedules etc. – I’m the one who does 75% at least of the housework, and Cheater knows it. She even admits it above!)

    UBT: I think I am actually quite capable of receiving all the sparkly kibbles anyone gives me, now that I understand how amazing cake tastes on an ongoing basis. (I had it once before, but all too briefly.) When I don’t get enough sparkly kibbles, I have lonely sadz, even though LezChump is fulfilling her spouse appliance duties right next to me. #SpamalotIAmAllAlone Since LezChump feels tired all the time, the only appropriate thing for me to do is to fuck strange and then tell her she needs to accept my “secondary” relationship. Then she’ll really have the energy to be more sparkly for me! #WinWinWin I myself don’t feel like doing all the stuff with the kids and house well and happily, but a girl can dream about an even more perfect spouse appliance. #IMaytagYou Is that adequate supply bait for you, stranger from a bar who’s not good enough to leave my partner for? You’ve been getting uncomfortably passive-aggressive about my inability to commit to you in these marathon sexting sessions we keep having, so I want to “resist” more frequent communication but still bait you with vague, wistful non-promises about a possible future together, so that you’ll come see me in a few weeks for no-strings-attached me-centered sex, m’kay?

  • I had out of control bulimia issues upon finding out my ex had been paying for sex with sex workers he met in strip clubs. His response when I pointed out how horrified I was by that was to say, “We are really bad for each other.” I don’t even know how to snark on that. It was honestly the most amount of self reflection he ever did during that period leading up to divorce.

  • Skankboy ran into neighbor/friend a little while ago. Told friend “I feel like an asshole for doing NMSB wrong.” How well I trained him, he UBT’d himself, quite accurately I might add!

  • I don’t know if this is UBT-able, because it’s so insane. Backstory: my Mom and my Dad were married for 32 years. My Mom had untreated anxiety, probably as a result of being married to a covert narc. She cleaned constantly, and did everything she could to make sure we had everything we needed. My Dad identified my Mom vaccuuming at 4 in the morning (before she had to leave for work at 6:30 am) as “abuse.” So here goes:
    “I think in a previous life I hurt your Mother, and now I have to work off that karma by staying with her.”

  • After cheating with a married man, me forgiving her on the grounds that she cut all ties with him, finding proof that she still had contact with him and questing her on it. I got a text while I was working that she was moving out of the family home because I said I wouldn’t snoop. My snooping wouldn’t be an issue if there wasn’t anything to find and she refused to let me look through her phone or at her phine record. Two years ago she moved out, a year later she moved to Florida. She sent me the following text a few months ago.

    “Sometimes I miss you a lot”

    Oh, shortly after she moved out I filed for support for our 17yo daughter, so she filed for divorce the next week. Divorce Still is final, but my daughter is now 18 and living with her in Florida. I’m happy for my daughter.

  • “Jesus Follower”

    Bio on her Instagram account.

    UBT: I screwed a married man who has kids while his wife was pregnant. I am now living with him even though he is not divorced yet and I am cashing paychecks from him to help him funnel his income through me so he can reduce how much child support he has to pay. BUT look at me world! I am a Jesus follower. My actions shouldn’t be used to judge my character…just believe my Instagram bio instead!

  • oooh I just remembered what ex said 2 weeks after he left out of the blue just saying ”I dont love you anymore, I want to break up”

    I met up with him in a cafe after I just figured out that he had been cheating on me and wanted to talk to him about why he left and gauge his responses. One of things he said was ”I just dont love you anymore. I only love you as the mother of my children”

    I think the worst part was how easily and how often he said the words ”I dont love you” after 15 years together and 2 kids (youngest 6 months at the time)

    • Chumpoftwo,
      I hear you, I understand.
      I swear I grit my teeth, clench my fists, every time I remember the words: “I will always love you as the mother of my children”
      Not even “our” children, but “my children”
      (A 3 year old and an unborn child)

    • Chumpoftwo;

      That’s exactly the phrase I got.

      I’m not in love with you. I never was but I love you as the mother of our children.

      UBT
      I love you enough to let you have all the hard work of being a parent and home owner while I, Disney Dad, when its convenient.

  • OMG Chump lady, this has been the most excellent experience. Hearing others translate the ex was better than a year of therapy. Can I just send you all his insane ramblings to be snarled. Somehow I think that would be the best cure for any lingering angst I could ever find. I swear I’m printing out the gems from Raes of Chumpshine and Artist formerly known as Chump.

    • TooSmart, I recognised his pathetic rant – I had an ex from the same factory! It’s an incredible revelation when you realise what a total useless baby they are at Life. And the ‘I believe in God but he let me down’ … dunno what God you believe in then, Mister. Probably now he blames God for the ‘mistakes that were made’ !

  • My sociopath ex told me he learned in therapy “he is not very trusting in relationships.” My jaw dropped. This man violated my trust in the worst way possible and has literally ruined my life with his deceit. I lost track of how many women he was pursuing (not to mention hiding his impregnation of a married lesbian he was fucking) while with me because the number is so high.

    Can anyone wanna put that through the UBT for me?

    • “I am not very trusting in relationships.”

      I don’t trust people in relationships, because I assume they are like me – a lying piece of shit who only cares about himself.

      I am telling you this because even though I cheated on you and in no way deserve your attention, you must still care about how I’m doing, because I’m the center of the universe.

  • It’s what he said; he lies.

    The Limited: I’m doing all the things with her I wanted to do with you.

    UBT: Meh. I’m doing all the things I want to do now that I’m divorced. Tonight I’m going out with my guy friend to a concert. The Limited was always ‘uncomfortsble’ doing anything with me. Doingme is 200% better. Gained a life. Love you guys.

  • UBT: Request

    The text I received 2 hours before he left me for OW #2

    “You are amazing and I have been blessed to have had you as my wife for almost 29 years, I do love you!“

    After dinner a Texas Road House

    “I am moving back home and you and the kids are not invited”

    Next day

    I pulled his phone records and called the “mystery” number. She hung up on me…go figure.
    I do like Spokeo

    “OW #2 and her husband are legally separated and in final stages of their divorce”

    That evening….

    “I have a 2nd stage job interview in my home town, I fly out tomorrow morning”

    “I am going back home for my career and my support group of friends and family, I have no legal responsibilities in Georgia. I have not slept with her! (OW #2)”

    Day 2

    I don’t want to say things that will hurt you more. But what I need most, doesn’t seem important to you. With what I did to you three years ago, (affair #1) I don’t blame you, but I cant live that way. So yes it’s what I want (divorce)

    Mentally I need to see if I will be happy, as much as I have tried I have not been and I feel that my happiness isn’t that important to you or action would have already been taken. No one knows or understands how I feel, but this maybe the only I can completely heal.

    10 days later…Following the letter from my lawyer ….

    I need some time to process. Are you flexible on the salary amount child support will be figured? My concern is that with what you are asking, I won’t be able to afford a place to live for just me let alone a place for the kids to have a bedroom for visitation or to be able to afford plane tickets for visitation. I certainly can’t do my part to support the kids if I can’t financially make it and you have me arrested when I fall behind in payments, that is my concern

    So you chose paying a lawyer over family responsibility or attempting to sit down with me to work out an agreement? I’m not trying to be mean or difficult, but what you are asking is not going to leave me enough to support myself. There is still work to be done between you and I. I had asked for what you were asking for in writing but didn’t mean you had to pay a lawyer until we either worked it out or determined we could not reach an agreement. If we can’t reach an agreement between us, and tie up tons of money that neither of us have, it will be the kids that will suffer. We don’t have much that has to be worked out so it should not difficult to work out. Again I am not trying to be difficult and do want to do right.

    Yesterday-received a letter with a budget her created.

    “I am $800 short per month, can we renegotiate the divorce agreement?”

    UGH

    • Isn’t that a guy who took 50% salary cut to move to be with his concubine? He couldn’t afford the cut so let him get a second and third job. Not your problem, you’d depriving your children if he can earn much more.

    • UBT: I know lots of words. Lots of them. Using lots of them lots helps me crowd out the main one that I’m trying to avoid… Consequences.

      Seriously/etc., you and your lawyer stay mighty!! Well done.

  • Two weeks post Dday, standing in the kitchen looking introspective, “You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about something..” (Yes?? Yes?? You love me? You’re sorry you cheated on me and abused me??) “I’ve been thinking how much my physique is really dependent on what I eat, not as much on working out.” (Oh. Okay then.)

    “You know, it’s funny……I don’t hate you.” ?????

    • Supinechump, were we married to the same looser? Sounds like something a freak I was once married to would have said. So obsessed with their body. Me: Snooore then focus on lint that needs flicking off my shirt…sigh. Praying God bequeaths horrid metabolism disorder on all these freaks, that would be justice no matter how much self-imposed starvation or endless hours at the gym, canckles and love handles abound for him & schoompies all over the world 😆🙃😆🙃😆🙃😆

    • Right?!?
      I remember another one, after coming home from seeing his counselor: “Affairs don’t happen in a vacuum!!”

  • Ok this is a late entry but…like I have always been, at the time a snarky response is due, I can never come up with it in the moment; a week or a month later when it is way too late my, snarky self shines through (what a cruel curse). Need to practice my snark more often…

    Anyhow, shortly after Dday before I learned the magic of no contact, I lamented in a text “I don’t even know who you are anymore, you used to be a person with some morals & ethics” (ba haaaa haaa-silly me)
    Cheater: “I am same person and having morals & ethics almost killed me”
    UBT: Having a loving family and devoted wife almost made me kill myself. I mean putting the child I brought into the world to bed, pure torture! Going to her kindergarten graduation for 45 minutes of my day, inhumane treatment! Oh the horror my life was! #stickingitinstrangeissorewarding #cumdumpstersavedmylife

    Another personal favorite, a few months ago:
    Me:
    7year old DD wants to do a 8 week basketball skills class, are you able to take her on the Friday that you have her (once a month Uncledad blows into town for a partial weekend visit). It is 64 dollars for the 8 weeks so I will just take care of it.

    Uncle dad: Yes that is fine but I think it is important to stress to her that if she does this class she needs to commit to it and follow through until the end. (Uncle dad was apparently upset when DD decided after 6 months that dance class was not for her-cause you know schoompie did dance classes and can still do the splits mid-air for photographs all over her instagram)
    UBT response or snarky response: I think it is super duper important that we teach DD that dropping out of or not attending every day of a $64 eight week class would teach her deep lessons about commitment & integrity, but blowing up and betraying the family for a howorker won’t have any impact. #honor&integrityunl sstwu-wuv #uncledad’slifelessons

  • STBX: ‘I’m going to work to get you back. I’m going to prove it to you in time.’

    *Cue weeks of not hearing about the subject again.

    Me: This really wasn’t what I was expecting when you said you were going to work to get back together.

    STBX: ‘What did you think? I’m very low too. I can’t do anything yet until I’m stable.’

    Please help me translate as I’m clearly not getting it by being hopped up on Hopium!

    • I got that. “I’m going to fight for you, you’re so worth fighting for”.

      So I allowed him back. My requests were 1) he give up porn 2) he dance with me (never danced together in 23 years of marriage). After four months he moved out of our shared bedroom, presumably so he could use porn, and we never danced. After six months he didn’t do anything for Valentine’s and when I gave him my gift he said he ‘didn’t know we were doing anything’. After 9 months I came to my senses and told him to leave.

      So, UBT: “Here’s a vague, indefinite promise with no actual conditions and no time limit, in the hope that you, Chump, will drift back into the routine we had before, forget that glimpse of me when my mask fell off and think ‘that’s just how he is’, and not rock the boat any more.”

      He’s wasting your time!

    • “I’m going to fight for you, you’re so worth fighting for”

      I’m going to talk about fighting for you. Because talking is so much easier than actually doing anything. And doing things is hard.

      ‘What did you think? I’m very low too.”

      Did you really think I would put in effort? I’m very sad about how my wife appliance is on the fritz – WHERE ARE MY KIBBLES?! Don’t you care about me and MY feelings? I’m the important one here!

      “I can’t do anything yet until I’m stable.”

      I am, in fact, unstable.

  • He’s keeping you in line as Plan B. He doesn’t know what he wants – so he’s feeding you a few crumbs to keep you waiting “ just in case”.

    Please don’t sit around while he decides for you.
    A proper separation agreement will protect you while he sits and ponders.

    It’s just words – no actions. You deserve better!

  • I hate that I missed this on Friday. If anyone is still responding to this, what do you make of this:

    “I apologized to you and the children for my behavior which was stupid and selfish. You have, to the best of my knowledge, not apologized for your part in the demise of our marriage.” He has said he was sorry he hurt me, but that’s all the apologizing I remember. Is he really expecting me to apologize??

    • Yes he is. Don’t. At his heart he really doesn’t think he did anything wrong. Or if he will admit to wrongdoing… Its because you made him do it.
      Mine told me some shit about owning my part. I think he read it somewhere. I told him my only mistake was staying after I found out. I told him he had wasted ten years of my life and he won’t get to waste a second more.
      Just do not engage.
      Or my personal favourite when I used to communicate with ex is that I used to tell him that he was right about everything. For some reason that really bothered him that I would agree. (which I did not but I was done with the arguing)

  • Hi Homewrecked! I think he is – he’ll be wanting you to apologise for forcing him to cheat, by you being a normal person who doesn’t expect to be in that obsessional new relationship true love state of mind with avalanches of kibbles coming your way all the time. I think many cheaters just can’t make that transition from new relationship daze to mature, long-term love while their chumps are able to change to a more rational, adult, reciprocal relationship. Without knowing any more of your situation, I’m guessing that’s the issue.

  • I’m so sorry. I was drunk and it just happened, but it will never happen again.

    UBT: For evey rat you see there are 50 more you don’t see.

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