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Don’t Kill Yourself for a Fuckwit

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I get a lot of sad letters at Chump Lady. Letters like:

“I know I should leave him. But I am in pain, I really really love him so much!!! My life is meaningless without him. I think about him every single minute. I keep hoping he will realize I am the best girl, without me, he won’t be as happy as before. I am hoping he will change for me, I am hoping we can get back together. My world is only him. I don’t want to live without him. If he leaves, my world has no meaning anymore. I want to end my life.”

Please don’t end your life for a fuckwit! If anyone out there is feeling suicidal over a fuckwit, call a suicide hotline, call emergency services for an immediate psych evaluation, get on anti-depressants, find Jesus, find Yoga, adopt puppies — but whatever you do, do NOT kill yourself for a fuckwit!

Can you imagine a more pointless death? Offing yourself for a cheater? This is like committing hari-kari for finding gum on your shoe.

Look, I’m not trying to make light of your despair, chumps — I’m trying to offer perspective. I’ve been there, but let me tell you, these feelings are transitory. It baffles me now, but I once imagined driving into highway medians. For what? A bald, fat serial cheater who read fantasy elf lit and draped his trousers over chairs? A man who couldn’t pick up the dinner check for his widowed mother living on a coal miner’s pension, but would happily drop $800 on a new crossbow for himself? That selfish bastard? I marvel now that I wasted 5 minutes in his company, let alone considered ending my life over him. WTF was WRONG with me?!

I couldn’t live without THAT? The mindfuckery? The gaslighting? The constant drama? The pick me dance? The fucking elf lit?

Oh but there were good times! He… he could be really charming! 

Yeah, like that time he threatened to kill me. #Kodakmemories

Fact was, I had sunk costs. I’d been whiplashed between sparkly impression management (KIBBLES! I GET A KIBBLE!) and straight-out abuse. I was EXHAUSTED. I had invested so much in that lie, but it was MY LIE. It was my LIFE. Please God, don’t make me start over.

Starting over was exactly God’s plan. And thank you Jesus, because I have a pretty swell life. Like yesterday, my son’s home from spring break and we went to the new Smithsonian African American museum (his idea!) and had a great day together! And the day before that, he went to art class with me, and my Russian instructors swooned over how handsome he was, and told him he looked like Pushkin! And this kid hung out with me, drawing (my thing) for three straight hours, because he loves me, and maybe I’m kind of fun to be with sometimes, now that I’m not a snotty mess mourning a fuckwit.

Sure, my son would still love me if I was a snotty mess mourning a fuckwit, but I am infinitely more cool without the fuckwit.

And you are too. Which brings me to the Universal Bullshit Translator.

“I know I should leave him. But I am in pain, I really really love him so much!!!

It’s completely rational to leave people and things which PAIN us. Loving pain? Not rational.

Healthy love doesn’t inflict pain. Do you want to be healthy, or unhealthy?

My life is meaningless without him.

No it is not. YOU ascribe meaning to your life, not him. DO NOT GIVE HIM THAT POWER. Fill your life with a thousand things that are NOT him — peonies, Broadway showtunes, warm cookies, Agatha Christie novels, handknit socks. These are just a few of my favorite things… that aren’t fuckwits. Make your own list.

When you give him ALL meaning, that means you are prioritizing his God-like status above people who actually DO love you, like your family or your children.

Really? You want to worship at the Fuckwit altar when you have all that?

I think about him every single minute.

Don’t.

Seriously. STOP IT. Go out for a walk. Dial a friend. Dial a stranger. Get on my forum. Drop and give me 50 pushups. Just STOP this shit.

I keep hoping he will realize I am the best girl, without me, he won’t be as happy as before.

That’s not going to happen. If he valued you, he wouldn’t cheat on you.

Forget about his happiness. Trust me, he’s happy fucking you over. It’s what these people do.

How about you be the “best girl” for you?

I am hoping he will change for me,

Not gonna happen.

I am hoping we can get back together.

Could happen. And then it will bring you pain and thoughts of suicide. Ergo, I don’t think getting back together is a good idea. The fuckwit isn’t having a character transplant.

My world is only him.

Your world is too small. Why not have your own world instead of being a minor satellite to Planet Narcissist?

I don’t want to live without him. If he leaves, my world has no meaning anymore. I want to end my life.”

“Here lies the remains of a Minor Satellite Chumptronic 45DK0983, which crashed to earth after its last voyage to Planet Narcissist. Its exploratory mission ended when it found Planet Narcissist arid and uninhabitable. Scientists believe the minor satellite then had an existential crisis when it falsely concluded that no planets could sustain life if Planet Narcissist could not sustain life.

The satellite was last seen hurdling towards Pittsburgh, as a fiery ball of space trash.”

Don’t end your life over a fuckwit. Live. Explore. There are better worlds out there.

This column ran previously, but someone mentioned yesterday that it helped them, so here it is again. Also I have early morning stuff. New post tomorrow! Everyone stay alive, okay? 

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • There was a time where I was determined to live because there was NO way I wanted The Bonus Imposter raising my girls. The very thought of her being their mommy made me want to strangle her… and it was then that I decided if someone was going to die, it sure as hell wasn’t going to be me. So I traded wanting to off myself, to wanting to off her, and so I now keep that at bay.

    I’m not willing to go to jail over a fuckwit, either.

    • For some reason this Easter Holiday brought up so much pain. I really thought I was past it. It seemed to come from nowhere. I thought that I cannot keep having this sneak up on me and knock me over. I wanted to die so I would not feel pain. Not because I want to be with him, not because my life has no meaning without him. It was because of the intense pain that I could not readily name. I’m still in pain but not as bad (I see my therapist Wednesday). The only thing that I can come up with is that I grieve a 30 year lie. It’s not a clean grief. I don’t know what is real. My sister said not to let him do this to me. My thought is that he is done all he can do to me but I still have some well of intense grief that rears it’s ugly head and knocks me to my knees. I cannot see logic when it is this intense. I can’t see meaning, I can’t see the future. When it goes away I see lightness and peace. I wish I could predict it. Does anyone else have this?

      • Good Friday 2017, my kids & I received the “meant for Schmoopie text”, so I was coming up on an anniversary. But I was blindsided on how painful this holiday has been. And I’m talking, waking up with physical pain in my chest–so I now understand what true heartache is. Thank God my brother invited me to his house and the Easter Bunny managed to find me to deliver my basket! It’s the small things that actually amount to what’s joyful in life.

        I keep reminding myself that he took a shortcut to what he thinks happiness is. I smile as he told me “I wouldn’t have thought of her until you suggested her”. Soulmate? No. Just someone he had to jump ship with because he’s afraid of being alone. Now he’s engaged to someone who was a guest at our family dinner table. She has no idea of all his lies–and maybe she’ll find out one day or maybe she won’t. But their relationship will never have validity with the people who love me, including my children. It’s their life now and mine will get better, even with the pain.

        So there is no predicting for me when the dark days will appear. I’ve come across a few sayings that have helped me on my journey, and this one seems appropriate:

        Head East toward the darkness, for if you head West toward the sun, you will never again see the sunrise.

        Be strong my friend.

      • I think it’s the holidays and other special dates. I was fine all day Easter, but over dinner, my daughter and I started talking about when her and her brother were little. How I used to hide plastic-filled eggs, hard boiled eggs and a few presents all over the house and the kids would wake-up each Easter morning and go hunting with their baskets for what the Easter Bunny left behind. And then comes the pang of sadness that so much has changed in the last five years. Then came the memory that every single year I’d hide special candy that the cheater loved and also I always bought him a present from the Easter Bunny, which the kids would find for him. He never once got me anything, even though he ALWAYS ordered flowers from church for his grandmother, mom and aunt. IMPRESSION MANAGEMENT as I now see it. The last Easter before d-day, I bought myself Jesus Christ Superstar DVD. I wrapped it and the kids found it for me from the EB. I get that pang of sadness, because I gave so much to a cheater and a his taking family for years and years and I always felt like I was being used, and I was. Because people throw away things that they are only using. So it’s these good and also very sad memories that brings the pain back at times. I think it’s perfectly normal to feel this way and get triggered by memories, but I try my best not to stay with those memories long. I’m making new memories now with my kids and it’s my choice either to make them sad or happy memories. 🙂 I hope you feel better, Spoonriver. Thirty years is a long time to be with a cheater. I myself clock in at 23 years. And you weren’t lying during your marriage, so your life wasn’t a lie. Your cheater was. And maybe he wasn’t a lie the whole time. Who knows? It doesn’t matter. You showed up as the faithful and good wife, and that’s all that really matters. 🙂

        • OMG, Easter was one of those holidays when Cheater X would invite his entire family and sit back while I hosted them. FIL would show up with garbage bags full of dirty laundry for me to wash, and sometimes he’d bring along some random tenants unannounced. So, I’d do all the cooking and serving after doing all the cleaning and yardwork and making up Easter baskets the day before. And I got to do load after load of laundry throughout the day. As soon as I’d finally sit down, FIL would remind me that there was no sense in just leaving those dishes in the sink. It was truly unpleasant.

          Thinking of how the Cheater spoiled the holiday makes it easier for me.

          • Sounds like ditching your FIL was an extra bonus that came along with getting rid of your cheater.

          • Omg are you CRAZY??? I wouldn’t tolerate that crap for a second. Girl you are worth so much MORE! Don’t let any man do that to you!🌹

      • Yes. It’s an emotional roller coaster. Some days are much better than others. I’m now in a place where i do not want to be with him, but just thinking on all the pain, lies, and games that was played. I sometimes just want to sleep and feel guilty because I’m not giving focus to my kids the way that I do when I’m having a good day

      • Grief comes in waves. It often takes us by surprise, not just in its intensity but in when it comes and how long it stays. But you are lightyears ahead of the people who are medicating themselves and jumping straight back into a relationship because they can’t be alone. Walk through it, feel it all, and Meh will come, on a Tuesday.

        • I was chumped at the end of 2014 (only 4 months after I’d paid hundreds of thousands of dollars towards my mostly unemployed ex’s educational debt and only shortly after I’d become a stay at home mom to take care of a high needs infant).

          My younger brother (only 35) recently passed away from cancer. As we all struggle to cope with our intense grief (my brother was an utterly amazing man), my family finds this ball in a box analogy that my sister-in-law’s psychologist shared with her helpful:

          https://twitter.com/laurenherschel/status/946888282444460033?lang=en

          As LovedaJackass* said, “grief comes in waves.” I’m more than four years out and can wholeheartedly say that the grief and anger hit me only occasionally now …when they do, the feelings are still just as intense, but they feel much more manageable because I know they will be short-lived and that I’ve done a pretty good job at gaining a life.

          If your ball is really big today and won’t lay off the button, I promise your ball will get smaller with time until one Tuesday you realize it’s been months since it hit your button.

          *I’ve watched LovedaJackass’ comments for years and all I can see is he certainly must have been one hell of a jackass.

          • I wish I could edit my numerous typos! The last bit should have said, “all I can say is he certainly must have been one hell of a jackass.”

            • LovedaJackass, I second NewLife. Your comments are always on point and so incredibly helpful. The grief is its own entity. I have had bouts of suicidal ideation since DDay 1 and while presently that is not an issue, it can be hard to unravel what is the betrayal / loss of dreams grief and what is old grief from other unmourned losses. I cried for four days straight over Easter so just hoping that this particular wave has come and gone. But it’s still a bit of a blindside when it pops up.

      • Hugs to you, Spoonriver. I’m sorry about this latest wave of pain and grief. It’s so hard when three or more decades of memories and emotional investments keep coming up.

        It does get better. I am finding that some of the loneliness would have come anyway due to the timing of empty nest syndrome, adult kids moving far away, and getting older. Transitions are difficult, even without the added trauma and abuse of cheating. My solution is meeting new people, reinvesting in good friends of long-standing history, and continually weeding out the takers in my life. Givers nurture your soul and mind.

        • FindingBliss, I love so much of what you said — mtg new people, reinvesting in good people and weeding out the takers. Thank you for what you said. I need to be reminded of this constantly.

      • The road to meh is not straight. It has a lot of ups and downs. I hesitate to say I am at meh because I am often blindsided by sudden bouts of sadness when I thought I was over it and discover that “oh darn, not there yet”. It does get easier as time goes by, however. The periods between bouts of sadness are longer and longer and the episodes of sadness shorter and less intense.

        I am also starting to learn patterns. Sometimes it seems to be hormonal. I am more likely to experience those lows during certain times of my cycles (PMS?). For some reason knowing that makes me feel better. Maybe it isn’t him, maybe my hormones are just out of whack and it will pass. I also know my triggers and I try to avoid them as best I can. The worst triggers are things that remind me of Schmoopie’s presence in his life. I know she is there but most of the time I am able to avoid thinking about her because I don’t see her and the kids don’t talk about her. Historically, however, having her in my face in ways I can’t ignore is a trigger. Catching even the slightest glimpse of her used to fill me with a sense of rage. Over time the intensity of those emotions have dwindled, but I still feel something so I just try to avoid her and any reminders of her as best I can. Luckily, ex no longer seems compelled to throw her in my face so that helps. Still, there is a possibility that they might both be at youngest’s first baseball game of the season on Wednesday and I am a bit anxious about that. My new guy can’t make it so I will have to handle it on my own. I don’t know the other parents that well yet but I will have to do my best to make friends with them in a hurry so I have people to talk to and distract me while I watch the game.

      • I had a rough time this Easter as well. Seemed to feel a lot of old ghosts of the past circling round.
        Grief seems to ebb and flow. I think part of it in my case is aging and the feelings of not being young enough for a do over. And a general tendency to depression as a fall out of the trauma of betrayal. Be kind to yourself.

      • Yes, I have this too. I have been married for 33 years, so maybe we share extended grieving because of this. They say that a dog needs half its age to adapt to a new home completely. My new home is happier, but I may be in my seventies before I quit having random bouts of grief if I am like a dog. The last time it happened was when I had too much alone time, so I got on the phone and scheduled some activities with family and friends. Boom – no more grief. I am glad to say that no one else in my life makes me feel bad on purpose the way my STBX husband does. I am much happier even alone than with him. Do what makes you happy:)

      • I totally get that. You wasted all those years on something that wasn’t real. You grieve for the happy life you could have had if not for the fuckwit. You didn’t even know that kind of life was possible, and now you don’t have enough time left for a do-over. Is that it? I have that feeling all the time.

      • Spoonriver lovely, I think it’s a fairly common thing and maybe related to depression? It happens to me when my kids are having a bad day. I also have the foreshortened future thing – it’s hard to imagine or plan for a future, let alone a happy one. My tools to get over it are my eyes and ears, anchoring myself in the present, being aware I’m aware. Is that mindfulness? Doing every little task as wholeheartedly and spending each moment as consciously as I can. Chumperella, I’m not a young woman anymore and living this way is my way of making what years I have so vivid that the ones that feel wasted just don’t matter any more! Hugs to all xxx

        • Artist, that is healthy thinking.

          My Mother found herself, later in life, being single. Okay, my narcissist dad died instead of leaving. Still, the result was, she was free. Free, like she didn’t even know how much she could reclaim of herself and her life, there was such a weight lifted and such wide horizons opened.

          She loved it. She made her house and life into what she wanted and enjoyed the heck out of herself. Reconnect with desired family and friends, let her hobbies flourish, visit Europe, help people, etc. I tell you. She had a good rest of her life.

          Mom had more “gumption” than most people, as they say, and I’m sure that helped her, too. Anyway, you can do this, do it well, and really enjoy your life.

          You got this.

      • Spoonriver – I’m still having the same experience, almost 4 years after separation. Would have been my 30th anniversary this month. I get taken by surprise at random times, worse over the holidays. Wouldn’t have him back, I recognise that my life is dramatically better without him but I still have the wind knocked out of me by the grief sometimes. I think it must just be part of the process – hopefully the tail end of it! Holidays have been the worst, but this time was better – I planned a full schedule of activities. Decluttering, meeting up with family and friends and being outside a lot. Hardly a minute to myself. And it worked! Didn’t think about him once. Will now be planning to do the same thing next holiday. Hope this helps xx

      • Spoonriver, I’m sorry you know this feeling but it is a ‘normal’ part of the grief process. Not everyone experiences it just as everyone experiences emotions differently but it definitely happens. I found my ‘spikes’ happened after I’d been triggered in some way. But I wasn’t ever consciously aware i’ d even been triggered. I thought I was absolutley fine then wham put if nowhere (except in hindsight I saw plainly it was never out of nowhere) I had these acute episodes where I lost reason again. The only way I could describe it was similar to hormones each month if you have a cycle of feeling really down or cross then after your period your mood settles again and you’re like Omg that’s why I felt that way. Yet at the time you’re completely ‘in’ it and can’t imagine not feeling that way? It’s your brain rationalising the irrational. The stages of grief, for me, after escaping my abusive marriage are exactly like that. Only when the emotions pass can I see it for what it was. An emotion. As CL says, they are transient. They do pass. Be kind to yourself, don’t beat yourself up for feeling any of it, let the feelings come, acknowledge them, then wave bye to them as they leave. They get fewer and further between and less intense as you continue to heal. I hope you have a good therapist who understands post trauma as this is what people post-abuse are living with. Hang in there and trust in yourself. You are not alone xxxx

  • What’s with the slacks over the back of the chair? My fuckwit did that, too. Until there would be ten pair stacked up. Hang ‘em up! I hang mine up! Thanks for this. I had a bit of a rough weekend, drank too much wine and sent him a nastygram e-mail telling him what a piece of shit he is, but then I was embarrassed. But now I don’t care. I’m rather proud of it. Today I joined the Y to take some yoga and kickboxing classes, and I’m gonna dust off my stand-up mixer and whip up some warm cookies. I used to love to bake, but I started hating baking for him so I stopped. See, I think we lose ourselves and once they are gone, even though we are left in the dust and rubble, we think there is nothing left so please, fuckwit, come back! I’m so lonely! I cringe at the calls I made. I don’t want to discount anyone’s pain, because I was there, too, but it does get better. If you can, move. This helped me a lot. I felt like I got some of my power back. Now I can hardly stand to read his e-mails. But don’t drink and read them and respond! Even if you meant every word, their big, fat, bald egos think it’s because you wuv them still.

      • Mine used to hang the two pair he always wore (black and khaki) on the back of the closet door (until they could almost stand on their own). If he EVER used a hangar, the creases at the bottom were a mystery to him. On the floor, behind the door would be a pile of miscellaneous clothes. Of course, I would be the one sorting through this mess at laundry time. He actually complained that we only had one hamper (and he had to walk an extra ten steps). And, in 36 years, he NEVER did a load of laundry. It’s Tuesday and I am meh.

        • Mine used to drop all his pants and blouses on my dresser that bacame realy difficult for me getting all my things( like makeup or brusher) and never clean anything…, just hate that.

        • Yes the slobs. Mine would pile his laundry on the floor under the laundry chute door that was IN OUR BEDROOM!

      • Haha! Exactly! My Cheater used to shed his clothes literally as he came in the door. I’d walk into the living room and see a trail of pants, shirt, socks and shoes leading to the recliner in the living room. He couldn’t even be bothered to drape them over a chair… or even take them off in the bedroom.

        • Mine was a neat-nik. No matter what, his shirts went to the cleaners, even when we couldn’t afford it and I volunteered to starch and iron them. Nothing I did was good enough. Then I would watch him preening before the mirror, understanding now that all the primping was for Schmoopie.

            • Mine was also a “really good catch” because he was a neat, clean guy. But, sadly, he was also a cheater and abandoner (X2).

              • Current Schmoopie told neat ex I had “trained him well,” yeah, well, obviously not well enough. Still put his dick in diseased bitches.

              • Sounds like mine. He was really clean and neat. According to him and his mother and everyone on his side he put a golden spoon in my mouth and I destroyed his reputation and shattered his heart and how he thought I was this angel….. Yet they’re drug addicts

          • Mmhmm. My C wife is neatnik enough that she has some OCD.

            Any attempts to do excessive bitchy jack squat now, however, cause me to put things starkly into perspective for her, right then. I almost can’t even help it.

            “Oh, IS that table there? Well, you aren’t even YOU, so you have no high horse to get up on!”

            Do NOT keep pushing nice people. Why? This situation is why. Those people have trouble spotting the reality they are in.

      • Mr. Sparkles liked to sit at the dinner table in his undershirt, sweat stains and all. Simple markings of no class.

        • I mean “I don’t know what the deal is with the pants draping. It’s like marking one’s territory I guess. BEHOLD! I AM HOME! PANTLESS!” Brilliant and funny! Thank you, needed that

  • I felt suicidal after D-day, but not because he left (he didn’t) or because he wouldn’t give up the OW (he dropped her pronto because he realized what a terrible mistake he’d made and wanted to reconcile). I felt suicidal because everything I read and heard after D-day (until I found CL) was telling me to stay: divorce hurts the kids, both spouses contribute to the state of the marriage where infidelity becomes an option, etc. I thought I had a responsibility to keep my marriage together for the sake of my kids but couldn’t bear the thought of staying with someone who’d treated me so badly. I felt suicidal because I knew I deserved better but felt compelled to eat the shit sandwiches for the sake of the kids. Once I came across CL and bought LACGAL, that began to change. He left a year ago after two painful years of trying to make it work. I know I couldn’t have continued swallowing those shit sandwiches much longer.
    Thank you Tracy, your work truly does save lives.

    • I agree. You saved my mental health. I still share the same house as the cheater but I found myself much more hopeful and I know I can get through. I live in a country where cheating si not considerate such a big deal and your blog just did a lot for me. Thank you all an I wish you all the best!

      • Good for you, Anna.

        I can hear Ricky Ricardo telling Lucille Ball right now, “But Lucy, come on, they are only whores, but You, you are my wife. They are nothing, so don’t worry about it.”

        Infidelity betrayal is a very big deal, even if a whole culture wants to pretend otherwise.

    • I struggled for 3 years after I took my cheater back. I cried, had nightmares, and wanted to stay in bed and do nothing. Now he has done basically the same thing. He swears “I never slept with her” but he told OW that we were getting divorced before I knew, spent hours on the phone, lied about working late, moved into her basement, just dating not sleeping together. But he swears he did not have a second affair.

      My eldest had the privilege of meeting the OW over Easter and I cried. I guess that it was the first time that she actually physically interacted with my (our) children. I didn’t want to hurt myself but I wanted the hurt to go away. I thought maybe, if this life was over, I could be in Heaven Happy. But then I think about my little boy. The son that he said “I didn’t think he was ours, I thought he was your co-worker” and I just stared at him shocked! Just because you cheat does not mean that I cheat! I am determined to live a full life so that my children don’t have to live in a web of lies.

      My little boy is now 4, and now 1 year past him leaving, he just says “Daddy ran away” and goes back to playing. XH has only seen the little guy once in the past year. How could you do that to you own kid? Not to mention the other 5 we have together.

      Easter service is heard because I see all the happy families in their new matching outfits at church. I remember those days when I spent so much time making sure my boys matched their Dad and then the girl’s outfits coordinated.

      But I am happy I went because this is what I learned. Christ has suffered for all our sins. (That must be a tremendous about suffering due to the number of cheaters). I haven’t understood until now that He does understand how I feel. Christ was betrayed by a simple kiss by his friend and as a result he died. I have been betrayed by a kiss (pretty sure more than just 1 kiss) and my world was shaken, turned upside down, and left to pick up the pieces are carry on. My betrayal is the worst thing I have ever experience it hurt incredibly but it did not kill me.

      I have to have hope that Tuesday will eventually come, and the horrible days will get better, but I push forward because I am not going to let him and his home wrecking whore destroy the my life and the life of my children.

      This was long, and the very end of a long list of comments. But I needed to say it and with our current state of no communication I had to get it out. So thanks Chump Nation! Hopefully in the neat future I can say my Tuesday came,

    • I was happy to find this site, too. So much confusion over the gaslighting. But realizing divorce was the only answer thanks to CL, I found freedom. I, too, couldn’t imagine going back to someone who showed me the capacity he had to hurt and deceive! I found a text he sent me few years ago saying how I ran to divorce when things got tough. Well, let’s see – he moves in with OW and has a baby – for starters. And silly me runs to divorce him. You bet I did. I don’t do harems.

      It’s weird how we cycle through emotions. I was severely depressed not because he left but that I gave my daughter a horrible example for what a father, man and husband should be in her dad. Hoping she’ll see that’s what she doesn’t want. He thinks he’s all that because he has so much money now but he is bankrupt at living and caring.

    • Wow Pommie two years? So well done for taking that step. I only managed 9 months before I told him to leave. He’d already left us for his EA partner but on finding she didn’t actually want him, and that living in a transit van was pretty sordid, he wanted back. I really thought at first that he wanted to try again – but actually he put no work into it and I think he thought I would just sink back into the mire I was in before and be happy playing his Mum/comfort blanket/friend. I’m frustrated I let him back now because of the extra months shit sandwiches for me, and the bad effect it had on our teenagers plus it confused issues. But tbh if I hadn’t let him come back, I’d always have wondered if it would have worked out. Now I can see it never would and he’s not a person I want to have in my life, but at the time hopium was king…

  • “The satellite was last seen hurdling towards Pittsburgh, as a fiery ball of space trash.”

    Hilarious…and I hear the music in the background..’the last voyage to Planet Narc…’

    • Shechump, this has me laughing so hard as I’m picturing the Chump satellite hurdling towards Pittsburgh,
      which could have been me at one time.

      I remember those early days when pompous ass left after me sobbing, begging him to stay, as I packed a box of things he might need in his new apartment, toilet paper, towels, pillows etc. (not my proudest moment). How pathetic is that?
      He said it was my fault he was leaving, “he was concerned for my mental health.” not realizing he had an AP even though it was only obvious. He was so concerned about my mental health he leaves me??
      My world was falling apart, Switzerland friends and neighbors, people who I trusted to be my close friends were siding with him believing his blatant lies.
      I thought suicide was my only way out until I found CN and read CL’s book which made me see everything more clearly. Knowing there were others like me who had been married to pompous asses like the one I married and survived or had similar stories was somehow comforting.
      Changed my perspective, why do ex a favor by commiting suicide? If I were to kill myself that would only make him happy. He’d use my suicide as support to his claims that I’m mentally ill. It wold make him happy! As they say, taking care of yourself and being strong (even if you have to fake it for now)
      is the best revenge,

  • yes the pain is immobilizing for a while. suicide is immobilizing forever. that can never be an option. i cant say i am happier since the divorce cuz i am not sure what that means anymore – i sure want to know. but i am certainly at peace, proud of my resiliency which i never knew i had, and proud i didnt play the pick me dance. i still host holiday dinners and family comes. we are finding a new normal without him. yes there is a hole but when he is around, everyone is uncomfortable. i am so glad to be me and not the one who blew up his family. hugs to all. making progress every day and that is worth the battle. i will find joy.

  • Read! Read! It will save your life!

    If you MUST brood over the Cheater, then at least read good and useful information and insert their name / face into the text as you read it.

    1) Read the archives here – that’s the easiest place to get started. If you don’t recognise your Cheater awfully quickly in these archives, I will pay you actual cash.

    2) Then get hold of *Don’t Call That Man!* (guys, this works for lady cheaters too, btw) and use ALL the techniques outlined in it.

    https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Call-That-Man-Survival/dp/0786884274

    By now you will be beginning to feel slightly less suicidal. Now for the big guns:

    3) Read Patrick Carnes, *The Betrayal Bond*. I know a lot of us have mixed feelings about Dr C, but this book is an excellent guide to what you are going through. It’s got a name – it’s called trauma bonding. It’s NOT permanent. It CAN be overcome.

    https://www.amazon.com/Betrayal-Bond-Breaking-Exploitive-Relationships/dp/1558745262

    • And anything by Dr. George Simon. His blog has many, many posts about disordered people. It’s free.

  • In a more rational moment, I put a suicide hotline number in my phone and promised myself that if I got close to true suicide, I’d call that number. I never did use it.

    Divorced after 27 years and 5 kids – and trust me, divorced and broken up is 1000 times better than married and living with an unrepentant, blatant cheater. It’s so so much better on this side. It was the relationship that made me suicidal. Now that the relationship is ended, so are thoughts of suicide.

    Today I went shopping for a new bookshelf, ate tacos for dinner, listened to my daughter play the mandolin, bought my 12 year old son ice cream, saw a field of orange flowers.

    Happiness does come again. Promise.

  • In fact, here ya go –

    https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2018/04/5-signs-youre-in-a-destructive-trauma-bond-with-a-toxic-person/

    This is a good summary of the key signs of trauma bonding.

    The way you cut the bond and heal much more quickly is through the strictest level of No Contact you can achieve. This is really hard when there are children involved, but you can usually do minimal contact for this.

    Man o man, when I think of how shattered I have been when I’ve been cheated on or dumped, or both – left utterly gutted, and feeling like I wanted to die, and as if I had no future at all.

    And I look at myself now, and I engage in long bouts of relieved, glorious, supervillainesque mocking laughter at those pathetic specimens. And at myself, out of sheer happiness.

    (I have no idea where they are or what they’re doing, because I can’t even sum up interest in the Karma Bus these days. But I still laugh.)

    • Just read this link and it is EXACTLY what I turned into and how I was for decades with X😫😫😫😭😭😭

      4 years from GTFO day and 2 years from divorce. I can see this now and the years of no-contact are helping but those bonds are still there yet they are weakening. I’m focused on building a life and am having a lot of wonderful, peaceful moments now. Still, I am deeply affected by my 25 year marriage and the abuse I suffered and my 4 kids suffered. It’s hard not to get impatient with my recovery.

      • GREAT link, Lola.

        I’ve also been doing a lot of research on attachment styles (I *highly* recommend the book Attached, by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller). Even those of us who start out with a Secure Attachment style can be brought low by narcissists or people with an Avoidant Attachment style, who can feign intimacy long enough to rope us in. But then the deception, or the pulling away, starts and we scramble a little harder to rope them back into the relationship, in large part because all we can “see” is the self they originally presented to us. And, since chumps tend to love whole-heartedly, giving up the illusion of our spouse or lover as a good person takes a long time and a LOT of evidence.

        What’s the trick to getting away? Don’t require a lot of evidence before you leave; learn the warning signs and exit after two boundary crossings (I’d say one, but it perhaps pays to give someone a chance to redeem themselves). Know your worth–not necessarily in terms of knowing you can snag someone better or healthier, but because You Deserve Respect. Write that on your mirror in lipstick or shaving cream until it sinks in.

        • Had to re-learn this lesson recently. My cheater X (Hannibal Lecher) was openly a jackass, so I was unschooled in the nice-guy deceiver. Dated a seemingly kind, gentle man who was extremely attentive to me, for 18 months. We had been due to move in together in a couple of months.

          A few yellow flags would pop up now and again, which I instantly noticed & addressed, but he always rectified the problem in spades (e.g., when I expressed concern at how close he seemed to be getting to his favorite yoga teacher, he stopped going to that class). But each address-the-problem/he-fixed the problem episode wore me down a bit over time.

          By the final time I caught him in two lies of omission, I ended up blindsided by him because he told me I was the love of his life on a Saturday, then he broke up by email a few days later after having refused to talk to me for days. I was so astounded that this seemingly kind man had turned into a jerk, that I went into trauma bond mode, which just made him try to yank my chain more. At that point, my CL education kicked in and I pulled the plug. Had I not learned to recognize the signs of emotional manipulation, who knows how much longer I’d have tried to work at that relationship. And that was the right decision, because the medium-sized lies I’d caught him were the tip of the iceberg–which is ALWAYS the case. Liars lie, and evidence shows the more they lie, the better they get at it.

          I have complete empathy for those of you who had Nice Guy/Girl cheaters, because it takes a lot longer to make sense of the discrepancy between who they really are and who they seem to be. Four months later, I am still processing the Jeckyll and Hyde act, but I’m doing it from a distance.

          • I’m sorry you met a Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde. But it’s so awesome that your CL education kicked in!!! That just makes me so happy as that is my greatest fear. That I will forget all that I’ve learned the past 4ish years and I will wind up in another relationship like this and I won’t be able to get out, until I’m dumped for someone more sparkly or can’t see their bs lies.

            The article shared by Lola Granola is spot on my relationship with my ex. I can now see how I got caught-up in it as he presented himself as the Nice Guy. Until one day he wasn’t. I was so confused and didn’t know what was going on. And that made me “try harder” to “earn” back his love and attention. I did they over and over again for 2oish years. And Mr. Nice guy would come back, but I settled for crumbs of his attention as I was addicted to him — trauma bonding over and over again.

            I have tons of tons of words written by CN saved and this is one that I thought was really good. Sorry I don’t know who wrote it as to give them credit for it.

            “I follow Harvard Psychologist, Martha Stouts “13 Rules for Dealing with Sociopaths in Everyday Life” from her book, “The Sociopath Next door.”

            I won’t list them all but I’ll highlight the one that resonated the most with me:

            “When considering a new relationship of any kind, practice THE RULE OF THREES regarding the claims and promises a person makes, and the responsibilities he or she has. Make the Rule of Threes your personal policy. —- One lie, one broken promise, or a single neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding. Two may involve a serious mistake. But three lies says you’re dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior. Cut your losses and get out as soon as you can. Leaving, though it may be hard, will be easier now than later, and less costly. Do not give your money, your work, your secrets, or your affection to a three-time. Your valuable gifts will be wasted.”

            • The rule of threes is a great one; thanks for sharing that, Lola. However, I’d make it the rule of twos now, given my experience.

              The sad thing is it can take 18 mos-2 years for a person to reveal their true colors (especially if you don’t live with them; the facade is easier to keep up). The yellow flags I noticed with XBF were pretty minor, and evident only because I’d already lived through one deceiver. It took 18 months for the pattern of lies to crystallize. Having to invest that much in a person, and then still have the wherewithal to break away, is tough.

              • I love this too. And I’d add 2 or 3 “things that make you feel not loved or not respected.” For example, forgetting your birthday or buying thoughtless Christmas gifts (thoughtful doesn’t imply “expensive”); expecting you to change your plans; being rude to your friends. Those seemingly small things are deep indicators of character.

          • Tempest,
            Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your recent history. I hope that you are thriving. I, too, was more disoriented by Mr. Nice Guy Jerk (Jekyll and Hyde). 1.5 years out, I am finally really viscerally starting up think that although I was/am not perfect, My last partner did not leave because I was a complete loser who did everything wrong. He was a lying opportunist (had been for decades) and was great at impression management (I’m Nice, Humble Low Key Guy Next Door That is Now Successful.) I feel a bit sad that for months/years(?). Not only did he betray me, but I betrayed me by sticking around and trying to convince this jerk in sheep’s clothing to stick around. He may be GREAT to the young woman for whom he left me and married, but him marrying her and treating her like royalty does not negate the fact that he is a jerk underneath the mask. I felt suicidal over someone who never loved me and often treated me inhumanely. I hope that others will realize by what we write that they are grieving the loss of an illusion, not a real person. I just hope that I can overcome the loneliness (have been officially ‘alone’ for nearly two years now and can soon generate enough revenue to support my kids and me. I have completely given up trying to ‘find somebody’ as nobody I meet in real life seems available, truly interested (in me), and (physically, psychologically) healthy and the few guys I have seen online that seem even a tad appealing aren’t real (are cons), are cruel/dishonest, or are not interested in me. Trying really hard to fully develop all the aspects of my life that don’t require a partner so that I can support my family and when I die I feel as though I did something useful.

          • Tempest, I encountered Mr Perfect-on-Paper a couple of years ago as well.

            Thankfully it only took around a month to detect trickle-truth, abusive behaviors, and bits of the life history that didn’t add up. The real picture involved a compliant harem, a serious psychiatric history (including suicide attempts), and a creepy mother-fixation.

            It would have been easier if I hadn’t had a trusted female friend (his workmate of several months) pressuring me to give this joker a go, because he was Just Perfect For Me.

            Turns out she had zero judgement, had done zero due diligence on him, and also had a creepy and manipulative agenda of her own.

            It hurt terribly when he dumped me, but I was so relieved. I also ceased all contact with the female friend as well, after she blamed me for being dumped, and urged me to ‘fight for him’. After exactly six weeks. She even suggested we go to relationships counselling to ‘save the relationship’ of exactly six weeks.

            Therein followed some painful work on why I had been so gullible.

            • My Jeckyl/Hyde was adored by virtually everyone who knows him (except his XW, who was no great shakes herself–opiate addict, narcissist, classic emotional abuser (I’ve listened to her phone message)). He wasn’t just great on paper, he was great in person…until he wasn’t. His lies were revealed only because I know what to look for (thanks, CL!) and kept pressing to get the truth, even when infractions were minor.

      • MotherChumper99, I am having the hardest time knowing that I did not protect our 20 year old from the verbal and emotional abuse laid at our feet. This is, by far the hardest thing to forgive myself for.

    • Hmm. That doesn’t seem to be what I experienced with ex exactly. If anything it is because I wasn’t willing to self harm to make him happy that he decided I didn’t love him and was serving of devalue, betrayal and discard. This article does, however, explain a relationship I had in college where I knew I was being mistreated but it was difficult to get away. That boy was a master manipulator. It was like a game to him. “How much can I get without giving anything in return”. I deliberately took a semester abroad to put distance between us and it worked. It helped that I had already met ex husband by the time I got back. I used to refer to ex as my Prince for rescuing me from all of the jerks out there. That is partly why it was so devastating to have our marriage end in the way it did. It was so unexpected. Even when he was devaluing me I never imagined that he would cheat on me. At worst I thought he would divorce me because I wasn’t living up to his standards. Betrayal was not on my radar. I guess he found some other woman who needed rescuing and he wanted to play hero again. Never mind that he had to play villain to me and our three children to do it.

      • Even after the emotional affair I didn’t suspect he would cheat. I thought the fact that he told me she was coming on to him instead of fucking her meant that he had morals. Really it was just my invitation to pick me dance. I did dance and gave up a lot of comfort to do so but I wasn’t willing to give up my soul as well so not good enough.

        The kicker is that after DDay he told me he wished he hadn’t been so nice to me because maybe he would have gotten more out of me like college asshole. I thought ex had gotten better. College guy got off and on sex for a few months, ex got 25+ years of my life, three kids and a faithful spouse who loved him. He was basically telling me that he regretted not abusing me as if that was the only way to get any value out of me. That statement taints all of the nice things he ever did for me. He didn’t do those things because he loved me, he did them because he was trying to extract value out of me and apparently it didn’t work to his satisfaction so time to move on to someone more worthy of his “niceness”.

        • Many cheaters are incapable of true attachment, and avoidant attachers like to be the Chasee; it means they have less investment in the other person, have a perceived safe place to land because the other person is pursuing them, and can claim less responsibility for the affair because they “didn’t start it.”

  • If I killed myself, my ex would get grieving widower points and look nice and eligible to women. He’d have loved it. When I was with him I envied the dead. Theoretically, he wouldn’t have to kill me because I might do it myself. Since I didn’t, he told the town I was losing my marbles and tried to move things along – apparently I was so crazy that I almost ran the back of my bike into the front of his car. That was maybe the only time out of many he threatened my life that the cops gave him a talking to…

    • Mmarg… that is terrifying. I hope you are taking all precautions to get away before he succeeds in killing you. 😘😘😘😘

    • Stay safe, MMarg. The most dangerous time for a woman is when she tries to leave an abuser (which is what cheaters are). That bike episode screams “sociopath.”

  • Mine told me it’s “up to me” if I want to kill myself – he’s not responsible for it. That sentence made me want to end my life even more… The thought that my husband doesn’t care about my feelings to the point where he would try to talk me into killing myself is horrifying. After I left and went NC he messaged me and said “why are you so scared of me? you know I will never hit you”… in his world emotional abuse with no physical scar doesn’t count.

    I agree these people want us to go away, not just moving across states but exit this world all together. They will have a better story to tell the next person and no one can trace their past back to us Chumps. Find your support group – it’s a tough road ahead but with friends and family you will find you are not alone. There are people who love you. Don’t give up!

    • It takes a long time for us to realize we should not seek solace from our abusers.

      I agree–find support rather than harm yourself in any way. Most people who try to commit suicide and fail are glad they failed.

      Do not give fuckwits that power.

  • It’s called a trauma bond (Stockholm syndrome) and first you have to work through THAT to break free. These master manipulators do a heck of a job of bonding us to them. I had known in my head that it was unreasonable to stay and our therapist gave me a book on trauma bonding and once I read it I got it. I didn’t get myself before that and why I was staying. Then tell someone what is going on and they can be your pillar of support to leave. After they know they will really help you get away and break free. In my case it was my mother. Once I was open with her as to all the stuff he was doing she was determined to get me away safely so I can be there for my kids and not die of aids basically. I needed her help because trauma bonding is an awful thing. Also chump lady- thank you!!! Reading your blog helped me! Bottom line: good people don’t cheat. Leave! Learn about narcissism. They don’t change. How I’m free and who would have thought? Happy! Focusing on my life and kids!

  • I was there 2.5 years ago. I took pills and alcohol. My husband’s affair with my cousin broke me. Ii was my daughter and mother who sat with me for hours. Before I took the pills I kept hearing my husbands voice telling me that no one likes me not even my daughter. The pain was unbearable.
    Today I look back and can’t believe that I wanted to end my life over a POS. A man who verbally and fincially abused me for most of our marriage. A man who cheated on his wife with her cousin.
    Chump Lady is so right. Please do not kill yourself over a fuckwit. You will have bad days. But, one day you will cone out of the dark and realize life is so much better cheater free. No man is worth dying over.

    • What a fuckwit! That was probably projection — No one likes HIM, not even his daughter. (After what he’s done.) But he can’t dwell with that, so he weaponized it on you. So glad you’re free.

  • I never could imagine suicide… I had an intense desire to run to Siberia , dig a hole in the snow and hibernate! Don’t ask me why, but I think wanted to shut my brain down.

    Thinking of all the injustices- from the cheater and switZerland friends – I would have loved to have owned a machine gun😊 Again … didn’t want to spend my life in prison over scumbags.

  • I must respectfully disagree with one thing. DO NOT call the Suicide Hotline! I did in a moment of desperation hoping to just find someone to talk to. Instead, I got someone in a call center who, unbeknownst to me and against my wishes, called the local police who surrounded my house and forced their way in with guns drawn. I was forced to go to a psych hospital (they were going to handcuff me and put me in the back of a police car), have an evaluation that I had to pay for, and was let go after a few minutes. Others have had the same experience. This organization is a joke. I guess they’ve succumbed to the fear of legal backlash if someone actually goes through with it after talking to them.

      • I have since learned that this is common practice all over the country. This is NOT a helpful service. It left me feeling more traumatized and powerless. If you’re feeling like life is not worth living phone a friend.

    • Did they locate you by asking you for your location or somehow get it electronically in that timeframe? I am just curious, because I was so unaware that this was a thing and I know so many people who have not had this experience. It’s horrible!

      • I suppose they used my cell phone number and got my address that way. I did not give it to them. I thought experienced counselors answered the phones but apparently it’s just a call center. I specifically stated that I did not want to go to a hospital. When you call that service your rights are taken away. If you refuse to go they WILL handcuff you and put you in a police car and haul you to whatever psych facility they’re contracted with. Not once during the entire ordeal did anyone speak to me kindly or ask what was wrong, even the person at the psych facility who interviewed me and let me go. Mostly everyone I encountered seemed irritated that they were dealing with me, especially the cops who were very rude and condescending. At the psych hospital I filled out some forms (with all my insurance information), paid a fee (before seeing the intake person), then verbally answered about three questions. Then they unlocked the door and let me walk out unescorted. I Ubered home.

    • Wife, that is awful! I know how this works because it happened to my son: I was doing my post-doc in in MA, USA and one of my three sons had bad luck with the school he got assigned to and had a very hard time: he was the slimmest among his classmates, all of whom were overweight, obese) and he was bullied daily. The teachers seemed to be there just to keep the students from killing each other.

      So one day my son says out loud “I want to die and go to heaven”. That triggered a whole chain of bureaucrats and I felt that if I did not commit him to the hospital myself, the police would come and do as you describe and cause even more trauma not only to him, but to my two other sons.

      Soon after this, the Boston Globe published a series on how this is a scam to make money; and the police can make decisions for the family in some States, it seems.

    • Sadly you are so correct. In fact there have been multiple cases where either the person who called or a concerned family member called, police show up and ended up shooting and killing the poor person who is hurting.

      I’m not disparaging the police but they are trained to stop criminals and have little to NO training in mental health issues so I agree, call a friend or family member.

      Also remember that by law if you tell a therapist, psychiatrist or doctor that you are thinking of harming yourself they HAVE to report you or they could lose their license. Then in come the police to drag you to a hospital for an evaluation.

      After Dday and the divorce I was at that point myself and luckily my family and therapist helped me but I knew to never say to the therapist that I was thinking about harming myself. Just an FYI.

    • OMG!!!! That’s so horrible and I’m so sorry they did this to you!!! Wow. I will do what I can to spread the word.

      I hope that you are safe now and have found the support you need not just to recover from the narc abuse but also from the abusive way you were treated here!

      I know there are some services that are actually helpful and will never call the police on you. Locally here, there is a Gender Health Center and if you are suicidal, there is a respite center you can volunteer to go to and they will be with you for 36 hours in a loving environment. They specifically will not call the police because they tend to be violent towards queer/trans populations.

      I imagine there must be more places like this…?

      • Marissachump, thank you! I’m much better now. I’ll never make that mistake again. The narc isn’t worth it for one and I’ve definitely learned my lesson. When I see those signs directing you to the Suicide Hotline I just wish I could make a new one stating what really happens when you call. I think it’s just a way for psych hospitals to make money.

        • Ex Pilot’s wife, what a *horrible* experience. I am so sorry. Clearly you’re not feeling suicidal anymore (*good*), but if it ever happens again, and for anyone else in that situation, you might try The Samaritans; they listen, and never call anyone else, it’s all completely confidential.

          https://samaritansnyc.org/

    • If the hotline is too dangerous, you may be surprised that there are people out there who will listen to you by phone or in person, until the sun comes up and you can call a therapist. I’ve sat with college kids contemplating ending their lives over a breakup. I’m not all that enthralled with organized religion right now, but there are priests and pastors who will help. But your friends and family may show up with great faithfulness. My BFF and my sibling were my rocks.

  • Deep sadness and fear can cloud your thinking. Pick me Dancing was killing me with self loathing. It’s all an emotional whirlwind. It’s like spinning and spinning and feeling like the horrible feelings will never end. Read the Chumplady book over and over. Scribble notes and underline and circle until it all sinks in. Getting 2 years out now and I still need it to get me through some low moments as Cheater XW finds her newest “love”.

    • Zell, if it does any good, my X had at least 3 “loves” after me, married two of them which lasted an average of 5 years each. Today, she’s a lonely old woman living with her divorced daughter. Her cheating never got her anything except long-term loneliness and an overall poor quality of life. Karma’s a bitch.

  • Dearest if chumpladies, I so very much needed this article this morning. I sit outside the Jiffy Lube waiting for the early morning special to open up at 7 AM. The thought of doing something good for myself and change the oil in my car (it’s overdue) was just a small thing to do for myself today.

    Yesterday morning I was in terrible shape. I cried for 15 minutes screaming and wailing before driving off to work. My DDay was Jan 26, my husband moved out feb 27. This is so fresh on my heart. I called my son, and cried and moaned to him about his dad. How I had driven by Schmoopies House the other morning and his truck was outside. I feel devastated. I cried and told my son I felt like killing myself. What a horrible thing to realize. And to burden my son with that thought.

    I got a little perspective at work by thinking what am I actually missing? Him or the idea that I was promised a happily ever after. I realized I’m really really missing my promises of my happily ever after. So very much. That when I think of it, it makes me scream and cry and wail and moan.

    I decided I better act fast and do something for myself. I got myself to an AA meeting last night. That helped! I downloaded the great courses app and started watching a cognitive behavioral therapy course. And I’m realizing that I have to think about my feelings, and what they really mean. And my thoughts and how they are affecting my feelings and my behaviors.

    Thank you chump lady for running this this morning. It’s nice how things can fall into place. And what my HP might be showing me. I have to open my eyes and look.

    • I’m so glad you’ve started taking action to take care of yourself. That’s what kept me moving forward. In fact, the first thing I did the day after D-day was get my butt to AA. I hadn’t been in years, but I knew I didn’t want to start drinking again over that cheating POS. I went every day for several months after D-day. My women’s group was especially healing an listened to me cry and loved me until I could start loving myself again. More than 2 years out since D-day, I still make sure I go to that meeting weekly and stick close with my sponsor, who also left a cheating spouse.

      I totally related to crying to your son. Hang in there. You’re doing great.

      • Gladhesgone and missingmyfairytale I am so proud of both of you!! You did what you needed to do. I gave up drinking alltogether for a year. I did not have a drinking problem but felt I could have easily self medicated with alcohol and that I needed to have my head clear at all times for dark days ahead( plus he drank too much so I was somewhat turned off by alcohol then)My instinct turned out to be correct because he put me through almost 2 years of divorce hell. I still drink very little. Just have no real desire for it.

      • Thank you for your kind words. I stopped going to meetings about 2 or almost 3 years ago. I felt like I had to be at home to “watch” my spouse. I didn’t like the way he was treating our daughter when he was drunk. And I thought if I stayed around him more he’d appreciate me more. I tried so hard those last few years of my marriage for him to notice me and give me attention. While he spent so much time on his phone. Looking back I think something had been brewing for a while.

        I got back to AA within a few days of him moving out. I should have taken care of myself a long time ago, but can’t fix the past.

        I was pretty codependent with trying to fix everything for him, go buy his booze so he wouldn’t get a dwi, etc. but all the while I pulled back from him because his attitude scared me. Seemed like he was always picking a fight, which I’m finding out is classic cheater behavior so they can not feel good about you. If they hate you, they can’t love you. And off into the arms of someone else they go, free of guilt cause I’m a “ bitch” in his eyes.

        • Man, fairytale, I relate to how he treated you to make you the bad guy. And how you tried to be more present for him but he didn’t appreciate your efforts.

          And thank you NewLady! Even for non-alcoholics, not overdoing the booze while untangling yourself from a cheater is a good idea. I cringe to think of the foolish things I might’ve said or done if my inhibitions had been reduced by drinking. Getting through the divorce with a clear head (or as clear a head as possible given the mindfuck and gaslighting I’d been put through) was a gift to myself.

    • NA member here and doing my recovery from two cheater marriages hardcore sober. To paraphrase AllOutOfKibble: Self care is the way to the truth and the light.

      I would also add the group ACA or as it is sometimes known ACOA as a great resource. By definition the acronym stands for Adult Children Of Alcoholics but it is more broadly interpreted as being applicable for anyone from a dysfunctional family. The Laundry list and The Other Laundry List and their flipsides form an excellent check-in list for life generally.

      https://adultchildren.org/literature/laundry-list/

  • My son had struggled with bipolar disorder his whole life, but the final event that precipitated his suicide was being taunted online by an ex partner and her new partner.

    It wasn’t the whole reason. It wasn’t their fault. But I can tell you what the aftermath looks like, and it isn’t pretty. I miss my son every day. The world lacks my son every day. He never got to know the secret, that pain is huge and ferocious and wants to unmoor you and drag you into the ink black, and the time you spend there takes permanent pieces of you that cannot be replaced. The next round finds you weaker and more likely to succumb. Please don’t.

    I describe the pain of his grief like a boulder that can’t be laid down. If you take your own life the people who love still will carry the weight of the one who left forever. Look around and count the ones you have left. Don’t leave them. I have grown strong to carry my grief. Vines and new growth have snaked and curled around it. My muscle memory has expanded to accommodate this weight beyond what I ever thought capable.

    I had one job as a parent. Keep my child safe and raise him, and although he made it to 21 I will live all the days I have left with the knowledge that I failed the most important job I will ever have. I will not fail those I have left.

    Look at all you have left. If today all you can live for is a hug from your child or just the smell of a cup of coffee, hold onto the monumental and the mundane.

    I’m telling you I loved my husband. I was bereft when he packed and left. I miss my stepdaughter more. I thought I had lost the Love of My Life. Until I lost my golden haired Boy, the LOVE OF MY LIFE.

    Please don’t let what you thought was love destroy you. After Cold Slab O’Meat left I thought I needed to get in shape. Eating made me vomit anyway. I would go to the Y at 5 am and walk a lap, swim a lap, I would chant silently, You are Good, You Deserve Better for hours.

    That is what it took to take my sight off every guard rail and side ditch I wanted to plow into.

    Let me tell you how it gets better. It takes a long time. But it starts with not attaching your sense of self on a person who is objectively terrible. If anything someone could say can annihilate you, it’s not that they don’t love you. They don’t. But first, you don’t love you. Do something that loves you today. Don’t reenact your own abuse.

    My daughter thanked me Sunday. She said this Easter was the first holiday she felt we were enough. We do what we want. We miss people who chose to leave, but we choose to be happy.

    My favorite singer Nick Cave summed it up perfectly after we both lost our lovely young creative blond sons within a year:

    “After a time, Susie and I decided to be happy. This happiness seemed to be an act of revenge, an act of defiance. To care about each other, and everyone else, and to be careful. To be careful with each other and the ones around us.” – Nick Cave

    • Im so sorry you suffered such a terrible loss.

      I have 3 adult children and each of them have had a mental health crisis of one sort or another. Each of them have admitted suicidal ideation at some point. They live in 3 different states and I cant control them.

      I do what I can to help them stay healthy but I cant control them. I think that a parent of a kid who suicided has the biggest “self forgiveness” challenge to live every day but I hope all of them can find that safe space to be gentle to themselves and admit that even if you prevented it one minute, it would have happened in the next. I find hope in your survival. I hope I never have to emulate it but if I have to I hope I can.

    • What a beautiful post. I am so very sorry that you lost your son. Your words here will make a difference in someone’s life today, I am sure of it. Losing your son was the most terrible thing that could have happened, but here you are, showing the rest of us how to be strong. Thank you.

    • Oh, Luz, your post made me cry. You’re such a beautiful person inside and out, and do not deserve the pain that has permeated your recent life.

      Yes, let our survival be an act of defiance.

      Sending hugs.

    • My 21yo DD who lives out of state with her disordered father (who she now claims also sexually molested her from age 9-12) has been in a steady decline since she was 15. Last night, she drunk texted me 22 times with each text getting increasingly more garbled, until they dropped off around 2:30am. All throughout, she talked about wanting to die (or join the military, or do porn, or get pregnant). And blaming me for not protecting her.

      Woke up this morning at 5:30am to all this.

      Called 911 (which connected to her local 911) and they sent a policeman to her door and confirmed she was fine (alive and conscious).

      I struggle with the balance between having a reasonable boundary with her vs. staying connected so I can (one day) help her get the help she needs.

      NC to break the trauma bond is harder to enforce when your abuser is your disordered child.

      Thank you Chump Nation for sharing the stories of your loss. I feel so isolated here sometimes with all this mightiness. Which I also celebrate. It’s so hard to accept that while I’ve saved my life, I’m still powerless to help her save hers.

      As long as she still lives, there is always hope

    • Such a beautiful post. I am so sorry for your loss. My daughter has had suicidal ideation in the past. At one time she told me not to be sad if she ever followed through with it and it wouldn’t be my fault. I have never been so scared. This happened in the aftermath of DDay and I feared that my own preoccupation with my own circumstances had caused me to neglect her although the reality is that the anxiety that lead to her depression had nothing to do with any of that. Later she told me I was the only reason she was still alive. I got her what help I could although she was reluctant to open up to the therapist. She seems to be doing much better now but she is still dealing with and being treated for anxiety. She is now thousands of miles away in college at a foreign university. For the most part I think it is good for her because she is learning that she can take care of herself and that she is a capable and worthwhile person. She also has a roommate to whom she is close and that makes me feel better knowing that someone might notice if she started to go downhill again. She also texts and Facetimes frequently so I know she is ok. She still gets depressed sometimes, however and I would be lying if I said I didn’t still worry about her. The one comfort I have is that when she is depressed she doesn’t bottle it up. She lets people know and asks for help from those who care.

    • I think what is true is not attaching your sense of self to any person. I know in a much less visceral way what it feels like to lose a young person you love deeply to violence, however inflicted. The young woman who was my special girl died either from a self-inflicted gunshot or she was murdered. There’s a small chance it was an accident. The man she lived with (an ex-cop) covered it all up, so those who loved her will never know. Truly you never get over it; a close friend of the family killed herself when I was in college and her absence changed the lives of so many people, mine included.

      Luz, you are such a light to all of us. So very sorry for the loss of your precious boy.

    • 😥 I’m so sad for you. My daughter attempted suicide several times, but I was lucky enough to be there to stop her. She is doing much better now. I wish your son was still here. My daughter’s best friend was very dear to me. She was bipolar and commited suicide at age 16, and that was terrible enough. But your own son? Just beyond. 💔 You are a tower of strength.

    • Hugs, Luz. The loss of a child, however it happens, changes a person’s life forever. The hard part is that it leaves a big painful hole, one that never closes. We just learn to live with that hole.

  • These types are literally ALL over SurvivingInfidelity – especially on the Recon board. They pitifully cling to their cheaters in desperation while posting about new atrocities they’ve discovered their cheater lied about, etc. Lots of them have been there for YEARS and while regaling everyone about how wonderful their reconciliation is, they’re still dealing with a deceitful ass-wipe who probably laughs every time he leaves the house and meets his OW.

    The truly desperate are everywhere.

    • Although the reconcilers at SI can be obnoxious in their sanctimony, I feel sorry for them that they do not know what freedom feels like.

    • Yeah, those places are depressing. I used to gawk at them like a trainwreck, but I now avoid them. What is wrong with those people? They’re clearly completely miserable, yet they insist they have “reconciled”. Genuine reconcilation doesn’t look anything like that. To be reconciled means you have to be at peace. Those people are anything but.

  • My heart goes out to all of us chumps & our children who have been so terribly damaged & traumatized by fuckwits.

    My ex has had some super-sized temper tantrums the past week over relatively minor issues, and unfortunately some of that anger has been directed at our teenager. As a result, my teenager has confided to me more about some of the emotional and mental damage their father has inflicted. It was painful to hear, but I think my child is closer to *meh* than I am, and that in turn has been a catalyst for my own understanding and healing.

    I had been trying so hard to “keep the peace” for my child’s sake, but now I realize that peace is not possible with the disordered. The only true option is detachment and no contact (or as close to no contact as possible until our child graduates high school).

    • Mehbesoon,

      I have not spoken verbally to my ex since Sept 2015 when he dropped our kids to my house, the family home, and went to walk in the front door. I told him to go get in his effing truck and that it was not his house. All communication since then has been text or email. Only about kids. I’m mid year four. The kids are great. In fact, both of my kids, 19 and 15 now have told me that they are relieved I don’t talk to their dad, that their friends with divorced parents who continue to argue etc are not happy. No contact and grey rock are powerful tools!

  • Mine gaslit me almost to a literal oblivion. He left me during a huge panic attack and kept repeating “are you gonna hurt yourself? Are you going to hurt yourself?” and left to play Dungeons and Dragons with the OW without an answer. I couldn’t calm down, and his words ringing in my head, I scratched myself with plastic. No blood, but was enough to make me call 911 because I was so freaked out.
    They held me on suicide watch. He visited me in ER (5 hours after he found out I was there), promised he loved me and would be there for me when I got out.
    He wasn’t there when I got out. He went to Disneyland with the married OW and spent the night with her at a hotel near our house.
    I’ve always been anxious but nothing like that has happened to me before or since. Ashamed and embarrassed.

    • Dismaland the shame is his not yours and you have nothing to be embarrassed about. It shows the height of his disorder that he could behave so appallingly while you were at your weakest, a weakness imposed on you by his massive abuse. Your only fault is not loving yourself enough, it’s a common affliction here at CN. One we all need to work on every day for the rest of our lives

    • DismalLand, don’t be ashamed and embarrassed.

      WHO caused the panic attack ?? WHO was putting the idea over and over into your head for you to hurt yourself ??

      He wanted you to kill your self probably so that he didn’t have to divorce, would keep 100% of everything and get any life insurance. PLUS he can tell shmoopie “See how crazy she was, I couldn’t live with her” ?

      He’s a sick manipulative SOB and you are lucky to be away from him.

  • One benefit of “trusting they suck” is that it lowers the bar for post-cheater success and thereby makes suicide or violence waaaaay less attractive. When I realized my cheating ex-wife degraded every aspect of my life (romantic, parental, professional, financial, domestic, etc.), I could see that whatever came next would almost certainly be better—if only because by contrast it would **suck less**. And then—miracle of miracles—I ended up with a new partner who is actually amazing. My new wife? After almost 10 years together, I actually trust that she rocks.

  • Reading the comments from recent chumps make me so angry!
    You were cheated on and defrauded by predatory assholes! There is a whole different world out there where you are treated with respect and you are valued!
    Consider this the plot twist in the novel/movie where the heroine/hero turns the table on the villain. Don’t you want to see how it all turns out? Stick around for the schadenfreude…..

  • “Healthy love doesn’t inflict pain.”
    AND
    “If he valued you, he wouldn’t cheat on you.”
    Every Chump needs to let this sink in deeply into their brain. These are hard facts. 2×4’s that knocked sense into me.
    Despair is hard to climb out of but you can do it. You can live better without pain & devaluation.

  • After discovering infidelity, your sanity is put to the test when you’re immersed in a seemingly constant storm of emotional pain. Then your spouse is “nice” to you, providing temporary comfort from the pain.

    In my case I found myself grasping at straws, trying to figure out an ever-elusive solution to restoring that sense of comfort, which I thought meant saving my marriage and my family. I was stuck. I hadn’t yet come to terms with the fact that my wife’s bad character was causing the pain and I couldn’t fix it. It was crazy-making that she didn’t even think she had a problem. Her world view was “Everyone has affairs. Get over it.”

    My first step on the path to being fuckwit free was the epiphany that came from reading “Do not seek comfort in the source of your pain.”

    That became my mantra for a time, serving as a reminder that I was married to an abuser and that I needed to realize I was in an unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship. It took a while to come to terms with the fact that things were broken beyond repair and that I needed to get away from her to save my life.

    My family was destroyed by my ex-wife’s bad character, not by the decision to divorce. At the time I felt my entire world was destroyed. I was wrong.

    I have a much better, fuckwit-free life now. It also didn’t take much for my daughter to realize I was the stable, loving parent, making me that rare dad with primary custody. I’m now at “meh” most days, taking comfort in a wiser, healthier approach to living.

    • Thank you so much. I’m 6 weeks out and my situation could be stated identically. Most days I see no good options to move forward. Your path is the one that speaks to my heart. I need courage, please pray for me.

      • Mac1234–so soon after D-day, you can only see a few inches in front of you; there don’t seem to be good options. But there are. There will be around 4-5 months of extreme emotion (pain, anger, disbelief) and then the clouds clear a little. The trick is to find a support unit, and fast. Cycle through asking for their support so that one friend isn’t bearing the whole burden. Surround yourself with positive people, and don’t be scared to tell your story when you need help.

        One foot in front of the other may be all you can manage on a given day. It still gets you out of the thicket. Hugs.

        • Thank you for your wisdom and experience. Even though wife strongly discouraged any contact with my friends because they supposedly went animal house at the wedding (one of them may have cut the buffet line), they lent me tons of support right away. Meanwhile, her bridesmaids participated in the duplicity. The countless ironies and tidal wave of hypocrisy is stunning. I didn’t know what my parents would say and I was stressing about it. They simply said “we love you and we support whatever decisions you make.” Actually my dad told me he loved me for the first time after discussing the affair. He is a loving and devoted father but he just never said it. It was beautiful. I also have a much deeper spiritual connection and I realize I don’t want to live my life for my wife’s instagram glory. I appreciated all your comments today.

      • @Mac1234
        I feel for what you’re going through. You’re not alone in this. There’s lots to read here.

        Also, make sure you take time for self care. For me that meant waking up at the crack of dawn to run (just move!). Waking up that early was made easier by the fact that I could barely sleep anyway.

        Be your own best friend. If your best friend was experiencing all of this, what advice would you give? This will help to give you clarity. Also assess the situation honestly and determine if you find it acceptable.

        Good luck and godspeed.

      • Mac, it’s tough. It hurts like a burning brand has been left in your brain and your heart can barely beat. One day at a time.

    • “My family was destroyed by my ex-wife’s bad character, not by the decision to divorce.”

      This X 1,000! Thank you, @GDD.

      You become the sane, stable parent when you realize you don’t stay for the kids, you leave for the kids.

    • I very much identify with this. “ do not seek comfort in the source. of your pain. “. Right now I pull and pull and beg and rage. Wanting my fairy tale promise of happily ever after. It’s so painful right now. The grief is overwhelming me.

      My jack wagon promised he called it off with OW, but then said he had a “ lot to think about”. So after he moved out I was awoken with a startle and an overwhelming urge to drive by her house. When I did, his truck was parked in her driveway. To think that he is reconciled with her when I begged him to reconcile with me and try again to make a marriage worth living for us. No feelings at all towards me. Just wants new strange.

      It’s chilling me to the bone. I’m trying to figure out after 25 years of marriage where I will get back my happiness. Where are my promises from this man? I gave the better part of my life to him. As did he to me. Why throw it away for strange? Is new pussy that good? If so, maybe I can be someone’s new pussy? I don’t want to be alone after knowing the touch and hug of my man for so long.

      • Just don’t become new pussy to someone who already has a partner at home. You don’t want to become what you loath. You also need to take some time to heal before you go looking for a new man. It’s hard but it is the best way to not end up in another dysfunctional relationship of one kind or another. You need to love yourself without a man first. Be patient.

        • Thank you for your kind words. I stopped going to meetings about 2 or almost 3 years ago. I felt like I had to be at home to “watch” my spouse. I didn’t like the way he was treating our daughter when he was drunk. And I thought if I stayed around him more he’d appreciate me more. I tried so hard those last few years of my marriage for him to notice me and give me attention. While he spent so much time on his phone. Looking back I think something had been brewing for a while.

          I got back to AA within a few days of him moving out. I should have taken care of myself a long time ago, but can’t fix the past.

          I was pretty codependent with trying to fix everything for him, go buy his booze so he wouldn’t get a dwi, etc. but all the while I pulled back from him because his attitude scared me. Seemed like he was always picking a fight, which I’m finding out is classic cheater behavior so they can not feel good about you. If they hate you, they can’t love you. And off into the arms of someone else they go, free of guilt cause I’m a “ bitch” in his eyes.

      • My husband was meant to be my happily ever after. I spent years building a fantasy mirage of what we were. I invested deeply into the idea, the facade and the image of what I wanted.

        When I discovered facts which contradicted my false image of “us”, and the mask came off, at first I experienced great despair. My entire construction was crumbling around me. Greif comes with multiple layers. You are experiencing a loss that we here know well. Be gentle with yourself during all stages.

        At some point my despair turned to blind rage. How dare he allow me to put everything I was into this fake marriage. How dare he use, abuse, betray and manipulate me with clear knowledge of what he was doing.

        I suggest you welcome the anger. For me, it became fuel. I harnessed the rage, and I began to take back my power – without him. Every time I thought about the “us” he destroyed on purpose, I took action to free myself. Anger is a great motivator for justice and honor. It can be used to put a fire in your belly, to live right, to act in your own best interest. He will NEVER do so! He will revel in your pain, in you being stuck in despair. This type of sadistic person gets off on seeing you hurt.

        Do not seek comfort from a sadist! Do not expect him to behave in your best interest. He won’t EVER. He has shown you this. Find another source, one who DOES care about you. One who can be on your side. Got to them. Go no contact. Remove his ability to get to you. Cut him off from any emotion. He has proven he does not deserve you. Find your mighty! I found mine in harnessing my anger, rather than continuing to stay stuck in despair. You’ve got this!

        The above can also relate to wives/women who deceive, abuse and betray.

        • My husband has called our FB a mirage before and has called me fake and a mark just because I have a problem with him and his mother doing drugs. Just too much has been said and done but since I completely relied on him I would have to completely start over again. My son is going on 12 years old in a few months. I feel like he has wasted nine years of my life but yet he says he’s addicted to me and has told me before he would go out and mess with someone and go back home and fantasize about me. He told me he messed with a 19 year old and told me he fantasized she was me and she was in to things like that so she was fine with it and that’s why she started calling me their wife….. How sick. She’s also a lesbian. Yet he has changed it and told me if I want a story he will give me a story. According to him he just says things cause I’m always accusing him and that it’s my own insecurities and things like that that’s the reason I’m in my own Hell now and has told me I don’t take responsibility for my actions……. So really I don’t know if he did something with her or not. He was talking the other night about how wet she got and how he had to make her shave but then he changed it to she showed him videos and he showed her ours. That all falls into where he has said since I accuse him he’ll give me a story……. What is the real truth? I think that is what is what bothers me the most. I don’t know

          • You are describing abuse.

            It took me 18 months to get together the money to get myself and my children away from living with my addict husband. I did have to start again. I’m still digging myself out of the hole, but we are free of being abused daily.

            It wasn’t easy. We had no assets, I had no income, I was also completely dependent. I had to start from scratch. My parents were some help. They listened & supported my choice to stop the cycle of abuse. Once I saw the behavior as abuse I started to plan my escape from it.

            My ex played many many mind games. He lied continuously about other women, his addiction, his spending habits. All whilst blaming me for the breakdown of our marriage, and telling everyone he knew that I was an alcoholic. I tried to explain to others. Tried to “clear my name”. Couldn’t believe his systematic plot to destroy my esteem/worth.

            In the end, the truth of the “story” doesn’t matter. Your safety, stability, security, mental health, your child’s life, your values, your strength, how you role model yourself… these are what matter. What he says is irrelevant. His opinion means nothing. He has shown you what you need to know. He is an abuser, an abuser who will keep doing so whilst you let him.

            Get away. Run like your hair is on fire. Do not listen to a word he says. Get support. Set yourself free. You can do this! You can start over. Build a happy healthy life for you and your child. You’re both worth it!

            • He has told me things before like he’s going to teach me a lesson and that I love to play the victim and anyone that knows him knows he was a good husband so he was in his book and has told me he will never be good enough…… My family can’t stand him. I have called him a POS and a drug addict and things like that when he would just keep on and on and on…… I believe they all turned him against me. His mother told me I didn’t just break his heart, I shattered it into a million pieces and how he thought I was this angel…… I believe he grieved over us and has moved on and they’re just waiting for me to get tired of the bull shit and leave….. I have been trying to find work but it seems impossible. My family is too over bearing and controlling. It would help if I had friends. All of this is messing up my time with my son. I really need to meet new people that could maybe help in the meantime and just keep job searching

  • Before I discovered the LT AP and serial cheating, I had an extreme low point. The devalue, emotional abuse was so intense. I was distraught. I was not being picked. I knew I wasn’t suicidal. I was however doing searches on how to disappear and leave no electronic trace by going off-grid. Seriously considering this. WT ALL MIGHTY F???!!!!

    After I discovered the first LT AP, that was when I KNEW this fucker could NOT have me. Nope. The asshole could never have me. Suicide would be affirming these assholes just like disappearing.

    Become a warrior instead. Medicate if you need to. Learn how to fight.

  • “If he valued you, he wouldn’t have cheated in the first place” YES! Excuses: You didn’t give me attention and you didn’t want me, I felt you were gone. F that!

    Cheating is also disrespecting and not valuing

    • I pretty much got the same BS excuse.

      I admit I didn’t give him the attention I used to give him, and that was because HE wasn’t giving me the attention he used to give me. I tried harder MANY times to make the relationship better, but it never worked. So, I stopped dancing, I stopped having sex with him and I stopped trying to engage with him in any way because he’d just pick a fight. I NEVER ONCE cheated because I wasn’t getting attention! But I’m so grateful I discovered his affair and sent him packing 7 months ago!

      They’re flaming assholes with the mental capacity of a 5 year old.

      • My exact life right there. It’s a spiral of who didn’t pay attention to who. But I never cheated because I didn’t get attention from him. He called and cried to someone who listened. And now she done stole my husband. I guess it was pretty easy and that’s what makes me angry.

          • Yea he has at least 4 that I know of interested in him in the last three years. One I know for sure he had a little mishap with. It sucks. I mean I completely relied on him and everything is just a disaster now. As of right now we’re sitting in a cheap motel room and his mother is in the other room. Her and her husband are supposedly separated now so of course he is having to take care of her now. I could just SCREAM. It doesn’t look like it’s ever going to get any better and the life and husband I knew is just gone and in the meantime my son is growing up. My mom has told me he told his dad he didn’t see me all week and of course he didn’t on his dad’s week, now it’s his week again….. Of course all of this is effecting him. We are low on food. I need to get food stamps going but I think I have messed it up by putting my husband down on the application cause he makes too much, yet we’re living in a freaking motel. I don’t know if I should wait this out and hope it gets better or move on

            • Move on. You do know the answer, you just need to accept it & make a plan. A plan that doesn’t include him. Can you go stay with a friend? Can you go to a relative? Do you have an income? Start somewhere. Anywhere.

              Do not share your plan with him. Keep it to yourself. Tell him you’re looking at how best to move forward, and what is best for your son. But do not tell him your plan.

              • I just hate giving them the satisfaction of moving on. I really don’t want me and my son living with my parents again. I have been trying to find work but it seems impossible. I really do believe his mother is our main problem and if it wasn’t for her he’d be a better man. Him only having a step sister doesn’t help either and it makes it easy for her. It really seems like they’re just waiting for me to get tired of all of the bull shit.! She had been living in Memphis with her husband at his step mothers house and my husband also was but he came back and was staying in a shelter. As soon as he got a job and was going to stay there so he could save money here she comes….. They’re supposedly separated now and now here she is hindering us. His truck messed up and he had to miss days cause of it. Now they don’t know what they’re going to do for rent money or food. It’s insane. I told him she needed to work things out with her husband and his response was that’s my mother and said my name in a hateful way. I could just beat both of them

  • A group of us just talked a friend through some not-quite-suicidal breakup stuff. This is when you rally everyone you can trust and lean on them until you can stand on your own again.

  • Once x left I realized that what I thought I had never existed. He wasn’t the man I pretended he was. While x was a great actor, we looked like we had it all, but the overriding feeling I had, our entire years together, was that of someone chasing an elusive happiness. Of being outside myself while looking through a window at somebody else’s life and wanting more. The intimacy was lacking, he was robotic in his performance. This probably had a lot to do with all his secrets; he was truly disengaged at times. Holidays were a challenge, getting him to participate was like pulling teeth. When life handed us challenges he would literally run away. I never understood the arguments either, especially when all it boiled down to was, “Do you love me?” His actions were not those of a loin supportive spouse. There is an unbridgeable distance in a marriage with a Cheater but I never doubted my worth, that idiot was lucky to have me. Losing what I thought was the fairy tale was painful but I realized that my life with him was burying all my sunshine, and you can’t make a prince out of a frog. I know a higher power had a hand in pushing me away from a toxic relationship, it was hiding all my gifts. My kids felt it too. Chumps, grieve, go through that, but know there are better days ahead.

  • I have moments where I want to end it all. But then I think about my son. I don’t know that I would be here if I didn’t have him. The pain is unbearable and I have a totally ex who has no remorse and still tells me he was justified when he cheated on me for 5 years. He actually said that to me yesterday when I told him I’d never trust him about anything and he responded that I had done just as worse things in our marriage as he- therefore I shouldn’t be so angry! I lost my shit and cursed him out. It felt good cause it was the first time since our divorce was final that I spoke with him about the affair. But it also helped when he followed up the whole thing with a “I don’t care what you think of me”. That sums it all up. HE DOESNT CARE! So I wrote that down and I look at it when I feel like I’m slipping. He doesn’t care- so I have to care about myself and my son and live our best lives for myself and for my son. He doesn’t care about us- and I can’t keep caring about what he thinks and what he does. He’s not worth my life with my son.

  • Funny chumplady mentioned driving into concrete barriers as I had that same vision after my ex left for her AP..it was a horrible feeling because it actually sounded like a tremendous relief to just do it. I went to my doctor and got anti depressants and some Xanax to take temporarily to get over the hump. Looking back I’m thankful I didn’t do it but yes I can remember that gut wrenching never ending 24 hour pain, sleepless nights, not eating…ugh to think of that level of pain over a damn cheater that lied every weekend as she trotted off on Fridays and come home Sunday night drunk and happy as a freshly screwed brood mare while I spent the weekend with our daughter. Good riddance

    • Very similar story. But the only reason my wife didn’t leave for the AP is because she scraped the bottom of the barrel for an ex-con to undoubtedly worship her cheating ass. I’m 6 weeks out and stuck in mud. I’m getting the nice version of the cheater most of the time – unless I disrupt her sleep to the slightest degree with my restlessness or mention anything about the 4 month affair or hundreds of lies. Young daughter who I cared for so cheater could go cavorting around all weekend makes me happy, but thinking of losing any access to her makes me sick and incredibly sad, which has lead to inaction.

      • Been there, done that. She received a second chance, which she used just to hurt me worse about six years later. They don’t change they just get better at cheating. Secretly go see a lawyer, get their professional view- I got 50/50 custody. I’m almost to the one year anniversary of the divorce being finalized. As you live in horrible pain (and she gets annoyed with your pain) ask yourself what advice you would give a grown up version of your daughter on day if she were dealing with the same thing.

        It’s not an easy journey. There are sad times, but knowing I’m not with someone that can hurt me brings me a sense of peace that is very valuable.

        • Yep they get smarter about cheating – by the time I was suspicious (5 years after dday 1) all passwords had been changed and everything was locked down (made it so hard to get any truth – still don’t know some stuff but enough to know he sucks big time – my kids found his party kit – viagra, pot, condoms, and strawberry lube-awesome)

          • According to my husband all I want to do is torture him and battle constantly and just keep shit going….. Lol

      • @Mac1234
        Consult with a lawyer. Explain your relationship with your daughter – that you’re the primary caregiver. There are ways to ensure you continue that relationship.

        Whatever happens, do not move out of the marital home before consulting with a lawyer. Maybe even encourage your wife to move in temporarily with her AP and keep a record of it (it might work in your favor with regard to custody).

        Stay strong, brother.

      • Mac, good to see you post again. Tempest’s timeline on grief is useful and realistic, you won’t always feel this stuck. I know you’re scared of losing access to your daughter, but I doubt your light will shine the brighter for your little girl while living with the Dementor that your wife has become, sucking away your peace of mind and happiness. Remember that your girl will be there for the rest of your life – do you want that relationship to be shadowed by having your wife involved in it? Seeing a lawyer sounds a great first step to me.
        Praying for you, Mac 💗 our God is good.

      • Once my ex told me it was over and she was finished with me she continued to leave for the weekends but I had zero idea then about the AP or any affair. It was unthinkable as we were together 24 years so it didn’t cross my mind. Her goal was to save money to move out in several months. I did the pick me dance trying to convince her to stay but after 3 weeks of that and her still “escaping” every weekend and ignoring my calls and texts I told her Since you want out go live with your mother..(she lives a few miles away)..and she packed and left! Now at the time I thought I made a horrible mistake but in hindsight (5 years out now) it worked out for the best. My advice is if she’s cheating then split up. Get as far away from her as possible (with kids I know you can’t disappear but you can really go grey rock) ..living together wasn’t going to work anymore in my situation as it really keeps you stuck. Good luck man, it’s a rough road but there’s light at the end of it

  • I had the cold, sociopathic abandoner. One day, I thought our marriage was fine, the next day he was gone, telling me that he was having a mid-life crisis, but denying an affair. He filed for divorce two weeks later and put our house on the market. I had lost my mom 10 months before suddenly to a massive heart attack and was swallowed up by grief.

    Our divorce only took just about 2 months (married almost 17 years, no kids). As the divorce proceeded, he became angrier. He wouldn’t tell me where he’d live, give me the keys to our mailbox, and started to back-track on promises to pay for joint expenses. I found that he had a young whore by looking at his air mileage plan and noted that he booked a ticket for her with a companion pass. I was shattered.

    My Dad was worried that I might try to kill myself, so he drove 4 hours to stay with me for a weekend (he was law enforcement) to be sure I was ok. He took me to lunch to talk one day at an upscale Mexican restaurant. We sat down and ordered when the Dolly Parton song “Jolene” came on. My Dad looked at me and I looked at him and we erupted into one of the best laughs of my life and a very precious moment with my Dad. It started to become apparent that the affair was such a cliche as was my husband and his whore (and unlike “Jolene”, the whore’s no beauty and my XH was/is no “man”).

    My point is, yes, I had felt suicidal. I was so devastated and drowning in grief. But the sociopath had been just one part of my life. He wasn’t everything. When he left, it wasn’t the end of loving or of being loved. He wasn’t the end of good times. Yes, it was a struggle for a long time, but I’m glad I didn’t sacrifice myself for him. He was never worth it. It’s been six years and there is light and lots of love on the other side. If you’re suicidal, please get help. Please surround yourself with people that care about you, get a dog or a cat. Dogs are so in tune with emotions and give you a reason to go on.

  • I also pictured myself driving off the highway into an embankment (as I wasn’t brave enough to slit my wrists.) THANK GOD I have a religion that says it’s a mortal sin to kill yourself! I kept thinking that I’d go to hell. Only much later, after many, many nights of laying in bed crying did I finally get up and start going through the daily rote. AND — it was my brother who said, “You must like it. You must like getting fucked over. You just bend over and say ‘Do it again, Dave. Fuck me up the ass again!'” Of course it was vulgar, but it was a wake-up call. That’s exactly what I was doing as I sat in misery. I was bending over and allowing a fuckwit to fuck me up the ass. Now, without a doubt, I am so, so glad there was enough influence in me life to keep me going. Three years later my son was going through something similar. And he started to stress and wanted to end his life. I got angry. I said, “For what! For a POS! You want to off yourself for a POS!!! She isn’t worth it!!! Get her the fuck out of your life!” I think — for me.. (and my son) — I needed vulgarity and righteous anger on my behalf (via my brother) to make me see what I was doing. And then because I showed righteous anger for my son, he was also able to pull his head out and realize the same. Maybe others need compassion, but anger is very motivating too.

  • I wasn’t going to kill myself for a fuckwit, if only out of SPITE. At least at first. Whatever gets you over the hump and moving on to, “Fuck you, I’m living a great life for MYSELF and you do NOT star in it.”

  • Mr. Sparkles favorite gaslighting trick was to put his channel on PITY and tell me how desperately lonely he was in our marriage and how when we was driving home across the bridge there were so many times he thought of just driving OFF the bridge. The irony to this gaslighting is the only reason he crossed the bridge in the first place was to fuck a Craigslist hooker or someone he met on AFF. But, I didn’t know that… I thought he loved me and our marriage so much and was as unhappy as I was… until I caught him.

    In the aftermath of the discard, now almost 5 years ago, I had more dark days than I care to remember. I was a zombie going through work (had the worst performance review of my career that year)… trying to remain the sane parent while being dragged to see my son vs. the OW son in street hockey (I didn’t know this at the time… then I learned about triangulation). I cried all the time. ALL. THE. TIME. In the shower, in the bathroom stalls at work, in the car, sitting on airplanes next to strangers. But somehow, I pulled myself out… I found CL and CN… I found psychopathfree.com and many others… I found my relationship with God again… and I refound JOY in being an amazing woman and mom. But, I won’t lie… it was a slog through barbedwire and mud on my belly with gunshots blazing over my head from Mr. Sparkles.

    I guess what I want to say is that your healing may include dark moments… but they are just that… moments. Talk to someone… get professional help… volunteer… anything until the moment passes (because it will)… and eventually they will come less and less. Know your worth… and know that you didn’t fail because you married a cheater. You had the courage to walk away (or get away).

  • In reading the comments- I really feel for everyone who cannot go entirely no contact.
    Healing from trauma and abuse. Gulp.
    A wise friend said, “Hey Chumptastic, you don’t have to get better by the weekend, okay? I love you.”
    Grateful today.

    • I love my son and I wouldn’t trade him for anything- but that means I have to deal with this pos for the rest of my life!

  • I wanted to share with others who may have been suicidal as I was that I may have misattributed my reason for contemplating suicide. I think that originally, I thought I felt suicidal because, in my last partner’s multiple discards of me, I was losing the best man in the world (although I realized even back then that he wasn’t perfect) and at my age (over 50) as a divorced mother of young kids I would never find a loving, somewhat atttractive partner (I might not, but I’m getting ‘OK’ with that very real possibility.) I also felt that my partner’s abuse of me and desire to flee was My Fault (yes, I probably did seem ‘needy’ more than was optimal as I was going through the Nuclear Fallout of my divorce, which may have been off-putting). Nonetheless, I did not deserve to be repeatedly lied to, insulted, criticized. Hid controlling statements were way out of line—wildly inappropriate, disrespectful, immature, and bizarre. I was hurt by the fact that he seemed to treat virtually everyone beautifully but treeed me like garbage. I often thought; ‘What’s wrong with me (to incur this behavior and lack of love from my partner)?’ I ‘lost’ a partner who might seem great to the casual observer, colleagues, friends, and some relatives, but was a deeply (character-) flawed partner. I should not be very jealous of his new wife. I should also not greatly envy my last partner as, having had a long string of unhealthy relationships (treating many women badly and possibly being treated badly by some of his previous partners), having lost hearing in one ear in midlife, and not feeling very happy with his body although he can change some of the things he disliked (that I never criticized) and his physical ‘shortcomings’ (I am not talking about his height), he might not be ‘all that happy.’ Or maybe he is, but his degree of happiness no longer affects my life in any way just as any aspect of my life does not affect his life on any way. It’s tough not to feel jealous and envious, though of a former partner (my last boyfriend) living the life on the hill with a woman who is ‘all that’ (probably giving him the baby I always wished I could give him but could not at my age) while I continue to be alone, harassed by sociopathic ex-husband and my family struggles (for years).

    In sum, I think that a big part of the depression that led to my suicidality was not loss of ‘best thing since sliced bread’—he wasn’t, but huge loads of trauma of various sorts from his emotional abuse of me (as well as abuse by my ex-husband) and tragic events that occurred over approximately five years. It might help to realize why exactly one feels suicidal. The reason(s) is/are not always obvious and their relative proportion of impetus for suicide/depression are not always obvious. I hope that innocent parties (good chumps) will recover completely and quickly.

    Back to trying to ‘get a life’ (find/create a job) and not let the fact that all I have heard over last few months has been crickets from employers make me feel bad about me. Family is still being fed!

  • So, fun story.

    My aunt actually did kill herself for a fuckwit.

    My aunt was a highly successful woman. She spoke 5 languages. She was driven and motivated in everything she did. At one point she was working toward being an interpreter for the UN, decided it wasn’t really what she wanted, and seamlessly changed careers. I’ve seen pictures of her, and she was beautiful.

    Her husband was a cheating piece of shit. This asshole not only cheated on my aunt, but he brought his OW to my mother’s wedding. (At the time they did not know she was the OW. She was a friend of the family, so no one suspected. It didn’t come out until much later.)

    This was the one thing my aunt felt like she’d failed at. Her marriage. So she killed herself by inhaling the engine fumes from the car inside their garage. My family doesn’t know where this POS cheater fuck is now. But he had everything, all the assets, all her stuff, signed in his name before they could catch his stupid ass.

    Because of this, I will never know my aunt. I only have the things my mother tells me about her. I would have loved to know my aunt. What motivated her through her career choices and her drive for success, how did she learn all those languages and how did she choose which languages to learn?

    Seriously. Don’t kill yourself for a fuckwit. Don’t. Don’t do it. Do not. It won’t teach them shit. It won’t suddenly make them care, it won’t push them to repent or atone or feel any ounce of regret at all. More likely they’ll just write you off as crazy and walk away with your shit and disappear on your family.

    These shitheads are not worth dying for.

    • Ouch…sorry for you and your poor aunt. Sometimes the pain is so great..just ending the pain seems like such a relief. She sounds like she was an amazing woman.

  • Five years ago, I did briefly consider how easy it would be to drive into a pole. I didn’t want my life to end…I just wanted to end the pain.

    CL and these amazing chumps understood the indescribable pain. I was lead to the land of “trust that he sucks”. And the amazing thing is I have learned to believe that he does. His suckage is not going to define the rest of my life.

    To all the newbies and people struggling, please take the advice and wisdom from this site…your life is valuable. Don’t let a fuckwit make you feel otherwise. As CL says, “the pain is finite”.

  • A child here.
    We resisted, we tried to escape. Not even his death really freed us.
    Secrets. Mendacity. Collusion of interests.
    No one to go to.

    Half a century later I am given truth sufficient to piece things together,
    by way of abandonment by the same type of thing, in the form of a husband.

    At last.

    I know now the darkness that drew one to the bottom of the lake wasn’t mine.
    It was the darkness overflowing from the incontinent entity, into my marrow.
    He, existentially filling himself with copious draughts, while draining the child of her vitality.

    He had been done the same by his mother.

    Up and down the generations,
    the never-ending chaing of betrayed children.

  • This is huge. Can’t improve on what CL or anyone else said, but I can just offer my “Me too.” I was there. I was certain—certain—that my life was over. The pain was shockingly profound and all-encompassing. My happiest times were surely behind me and the gray world I was living in would never clear.

    I was wrong. Time did its thing. I had faith in time and I had faith in my life history of emotional resiliency. I had to look at my situation logically (so hard!) and fend off the lies that my emotions were telling me. They were all lies and they were all borne from Fear. Don’t listen to it. Fear lies.

    Trudge forward through the pain, through the fire. It will get better. Promise.

    • Oh, and if could recommend the one book that really helped me in those darkest of days, it was The Journey from Abandonment to Healing.

  • I never even considered suicide. My former husband (we were still married at at the time) told me as he was getting ready to leave for the weekend to see his new girlfriend, “You’re not going to kill yourself are you? Good thing we don’t have a gun in the house.”

    He thought that much of himself that he thought I was going to kill myself because he was being an asshole and flaunting his new relationship at me. What I should have done is packed his crap up and changed the locks before he returned that weekend. I had severe delayed reaction to everything he said/did. It was really bad. It took a few more of these weekend getaways to get me to take action and make GTFO day happen.

    There’s no way I would ever kill myself over this fuckwit or any other. No fucking way.

  • As a friend said ‘I wouldn’t give my creep ex the satisfaction of me killing myself over him.’ He ain’t worth it.

  • My so called husband is definitely a fuckwit and is suspected of infidelity. He has told me things and told me the story isn’t going to change but changed it afterwards…… He is an emotional abuser. He says very hateful things like telling me to get out of his life but then goes back to “I’m the baby. I’m the baby”. Maybe he really did believe I was this perfect angel and I shattered his heart into a million pieces about three years ago like his mother has said but he never should have had me sleep with his friend just because he likes to watch. It’s sickening and really I’m just disgusted with myself for doing it because of wanting to please him and make him happy. According to his mother though I did it cause I liked it. Wrong! Anyway, I really need to find work. I have completely relied on him for me and my son and of course I have to go by the 50/50 custody bull shit law TN has so I have to share custody of my son with his dad and all of this has me missing time with him. My parents and my mom’s mom is practically raising him now on my week because of me still dealing with this fuckwit. I just really don’t want to go back to my parents house. My sister has always let them raise her son. I always told myself I was never going to do that. Her oldest daughter stays there a lot but for the most part she raises her youngest daughter with her BF. He’s the daughter of both daughters and her ex husband is the father of her son….. Anyway, everyone still has their shit together and is still with their partners. My son’s dad is engaged and they own a really nice home and my whole world has fell apart. Ugh! I know what I need to do but it seems impossible to find work or to even find someone else to provide for me and my son but of course I really don’t think I would trust someone to do that again since this one has been a disaster. Any advice?

    • So this despicable scumbag gets you to have sex with his friend for his perverted pleasure, then claims it broke his heart and cheats on you? Give me his address and I will kill him for you. Just kidding.

      As for supporting you and your son, why is he not providing for you? Aren’t you legally entitled to child and spousal support? You must be. Get a lawyer, or at least threaten to. He may decide to pony up the money rather than go to court and spend even more. He must know he has a legal obligation. You could rely on your parents in the meantime, until you get the support and a job. Or perhaps you need to move to an area with better job opportunities? Couldn’t you live with your parents and get career training while living on support from the fuckwit? I understand what you’re going through. My ex had that sick, disgusting cuckhold obsession too, only he wouldn’t have dared to try to coerce me into having sex with somebody else while he watched. He knew I would kick him square in the balls for a thing like that. So instead of that he got a slut mistress who cucked him and he planned to dump me. I am financially dependent and there is no way he is getting away with not taking care of me financially. It sucks to be betrayed by a pervert just so he can be a pervert, and your creep ex owes you bigtime. You say he’s doing well financially. Collect the money you are legally and morally entitled to from him.

      • Him and his mother does meth…… He got very insecure a couple of years ago and yea he knows it’s cause of what he wanted me to do. Somehow he got it in his head I was out to get him and I believe he still does. He says he will always be him and has told me he’s the provider and manages our funds to live and that I need to know my place. He has mentioned a lawsuit a few times like he was threatening me but I overheard him in the other room with his mom the other day telling her he does want to provide for me. This person he has known since elementary school he got back in contact with a few months ago sent me a message a while back telling me all he wants to do is give me shi* and told me she was just the person he trusted to go to about things. According to him and his friend he put a golden spoon in my mouth and I ruined his reputation and lalala…… He would cry and cry telling me how he was so scared he was going to lose me but yet he has ended up listening to them. He literally let everything go and his mother is one of the biggest issues. She told me a few months ago I need to stop answering him and calling him and let him finish getting the rest of the way over me….. It’s just crazy. They even say he’s my ATM and that I love to play the victim and he has told me he was a good husband in his book and to those that know him and they see that…… All druggies. I have tried to get through to him. He has even said before it destroyed his first marriage and I’m his third wife. I always wanted my first marriage to be it. He’s not the father to my son. My ex fiancée is and he barely pays child support. I want to find work but it just seems impossible. My husband has threatened to leave a few times but then he’ll say he needs me. According to his mother I should be happy to have someone love me that much and has told me no other man would put up with me…..: Lol. He has borrowed money from my family and never paid it back. They can’t stand him but I keep staying because I think I will never find better and because of all of the memories and moments we have shared…… I don’t have any friends cause I don’t really know anyone. I wish I could take my son and just move far away but I can’t. I can’t move more than 100 miles away anyway without the parenting plan being re-evaluated. I don’t have money for a lawyer and my family isn’t going to pay for one

        • Maybe going to stay with your parents will help in the interim while you get on your feet. See if you can get the state to enforce child support? I learned the hard way with my first two children, that their father would not willingly pay. This time I get it collected on m y behalf.

          You need safety and security for yourself and your son. Being around addicts is not giving you any chance to get on your feet. Let them be adults and fend for themselves. Right now, your safety and the health of your son are at risk.

          Use the time away from them to get stable. To get work, and a healthy routine for your life. Make a plan. Dig yourself out of this hole.

          You did not break your husbands heart. He manipulated you, took advantage of you, abused you sexually, continues to do so emotionally. Get out, get support, free yourself, find your power, do what is best for you and your child.

          Xxx hugs!

          • There were times he would cry and cry and cry and tell me he was scared he was going to lose me. One of the times he was crying his mom was sitting right there. I went to hug him and try to reassure him and she said to him she doesn’t give a dam about you. It made him cry even more. Maybe he did love me but she has always been poisonous to us and his friends kept telling him he’s my ATM and that I just stay cause I have no where else to go…… I remember his mother saying one time under her breath “he finally turned his back on her”….. and she had this evil grin on her face. I asked her what like I didn’t hear her and her response was nothing. If he ever did care they convinced him to turn his back on me, he grieved and moved on….. I believe they’re just waiting for me to get tired of all of the bull shit now with the “I don’t care” and “leave me alone crap”. He is all I know but I have been trying to find work. It just seems impossible but I’m looking. It’d be nice if I knew people and had some friends

            • Sweetheart, you must get out of this toxic situation with meth addicts. These people are abusive and potentially dangerous. They love only drugs and can’t love you. Try to get legal aid to make sure that you get spousal support and to change the parenting plan with your ex. If the loser doesn’t pay his child support, he doesn’t get to say where you live. The court would also take into account that you have to move further to get a job. Whatever you do, STOP believing there is any hope of staying in a marriage to an abusive drug addict. Please take action for yourself and your son. You don’t deserve this and are worth so much more.💜

              • He actually told me tonight I’m here only because he allows me to be…… Lol. He whines a lot in his sleep. Maybe I really did hurt him but I was trying to show him what he has been doing isn’t ok and that he needs to stop but he says he has done it all his life and he will always be him…… I think he did it maybe only a handful of times in the first six years, it was pills before that…… He has told me what he has put into our marriage isn’t enough retuned from me and said it isn’t worth it. Earlier he got mad about something so I just let him have it. He said to his mother “she’s a monster ain’t she?” Her response was yea. I told him I’m his creation. When I stopped taking his shit and stopped being ok with letting him be him like they have said before I used to do it turned bad. I’m the bad one now and he has said plenty of times about how he spent thousands of dollars on me trying to give me the life I want for me and my son. I found messages in his phone one time where he was talking to someone he kinda had a thing with at one time. He told her we’re still married but he’s on his way out and that he has spent the last three years trying to make my world more bearable (we haven’t had a home in about three years) and he told her the more he says the less I believe. I found someone else he had been talking to he knew when he was in elementary school. She also does meth. She sent me a message on messenger a while back telling me how she likes how I’m fighting for my marriage but told me if he won’t change I will have no choice but to let him go…… and how he’s amazing. Her ex told me she told him they fucked. He has told me he didn’t and told me the only mishap he had was with someone else that was a friend of his mothers she tried to get him with…… It’s all crazy and it’s no where even half of it. I have seen who he can be and keep hoping he will be who he used to be or who I thought he was. I have seen the good in him. He sings really good and always sings so anytime I would hear a song I would hear him singing it and if it’s one I have a video of him singing I would be reminded of that…… According to them everything is my fault and I don’t take any responsibility for my actions. I have owned up to my wrongs as far as I’m concerned but it always goes back to the same thing. He says I love drama and I just want to keep bull shit going. I saved his ass from being out on the street in Memphis which really I think his mom or someone would have done something for him even though he acted like he wasn’t allowed back at his step grandmothers house. He had been crying and everything. According to him I blew his world up and put pictures of him out there from when he was at his weakest which yea I did, he was on that shit and he wasn’t hearing me so I got desperate and went to that to try to get him to wake up. He always says he’s going to not do it anymore and is going to be the best husband ever. He told me a while back ago he’s sorry for all of the doubts and that I’m such a loyal and trusting wife. I think we’re getting better and then bam!it goes back to the same bull shit. I miss him. I want our lives back. We was in a really nice smart home at one time with nice vehicles, the latest and best phones and everything……. He just let everything go when he got insecure. He has told me he’s not a bitch and that I treat him like one and will say he’s a grown man and he’s 40 years old. His mom is the biggest problem to us I believe. He’s not the father of my son, my ex fiancé is and of course he is still with his fiancé. They have been together two months longer than me and my husband. They have their own home and they’re waiting for her daughter to graduate college and then they’re getting married. I think that’s what makes me the madest. It took him only a month of talking to her after meeting her on okcupid to move her in with him in the townhouse he was in. It took my husband two years after we met on datebook up to get us our first place…… He was living with his mom and step dad at the time. I didn’t even know it until he came and got me and took me there. He was indecisive back then cause he was still hurt over his ex. We helped each other get over them. It’s just crazy my ex gets to be happy and have everything and I’ve lost everything

            • Brittany, love, Chump Nation is behind you all the way but you need more. Are there any charities or churches that might be able to help you, or any social schemes? Any women’s refuges? Can you ask at your doctors surgery, if you have one? Use every single thing at your disposal because you and your kid(s?) need it now. Your husband is weak and his mother wishes you ill. You can’t help or change either of them. Yours is the only life you can save and change. Get out of this poisonous situation as soon as you can. You may not have any personal friends that can help you but there will be organisations that can. Don’t allow your husband to emotionally blackmail you and don’t let his drama-loving power-seeking mother control you. This site is full of people who have against all odds rescued themselves from situations just like yours. So glad you are opening up here, sweetheart, please listen to the wisdom available! Lots of love to you tonight 💗

              • I am thankful for CN. I have just always been so codependent. He’s all I know and I’m just not me without him. I was always so scared of losing him or my son or even both and now everything is just so different. He has called me weak before. He acts like at times like I have someone else and has told me I have changed and has even told me I need to figure out what I want and stop trying to please everyone cause it’s making me even more depressed. He even told me my son is the only one I need to please. He used to call him ours but now it’s mine. He has separated everything. He even has a Memphis area code. We had T-Mobile in my name. He was paying for it. Of course he got behind and he supposedly lost the job he had been at and ended up in Memphis and got his own phone plan in his name when he was down there, now I owe a phone bill. That’s not even the only thing that was in my name he stopped paying for. They believe I just tortured him and hurt him so bad where he got so distracted from his job (his words) and how he put his own kids on the back burner and everything cause he seen there was a problem with us and he was wanting to do whatever ever he had to do to fix it so he gave me his full attention. I really believe they have helped turn him against me, he grieved and moved on. His friend that is also a drug addict told me I am the only one he has ever cried over to him….. It’s like I know who he could be if I could just get through to him….. God help him. I want to save him. I want us to all be in Heaven some day but he has just gotten worse and it seems he is just too far gone. His mom says I want to put all of the blame on him and said everything isn’t his fault though and reminds me that she was there so she knows…… I can stay with my parents but I don’t want to and my poor child is literally being raised by them because of it. He’s already resentful. I haven’t seen him in going on three weeks because I’ve been in this motel with my husband and his mother and of course his truck at his job supposedly broke down so he has missed work so now barely any food and rent is due tomorrow. He gets paid tomorrow but he only worked one day last week……. It’s like it’s always back to the same thing. Always some reason why he can’t get us another home. I believe they are just hoping I’ll get tired of it and leave. I stay and do what I can thinking and hoping it will show him I do love him and that I stand by him. He has told me before I’m never on his side and that he tries and tries and tries and that it’s never good enough. I hate it he is proving my family right and I know my son’s dad and his fiancé are just absolutely loving this…… I put in for Dollar General tonight because they are hiring but I have always been a stay at home mom and house wife so I don’t know if it’s too late for me to even get good work ethics. I was told at my age it usually doesn’t happen. I want my own income and I want to do things for my son. I need money quickly though and it’s not possible so I don’t know what to do because of that

  • It’s not actually transitory for everybody. I am still suicidal nine months after dday, not because I can’t live without the fuckwit (more like I can’t live WITH him), but because I have PTSD and depression from being cruelly fucked over by the fuckwit, and for other reasons. I was already living with what will ultimately be a fatal chronic illness when the fuckwit fucked me over, so there was that. Then Sir Douche decides I deserve to be even more miserable, and plays a soul-raping game of cheating and emotional abuse. That was too much for my already beleaguered brain to deal with, and it went into what may possibly be permanent why-can’t-I-just-die mode. Medication doesn’t help because it’s situational as well as clinical, and my situation is only going to get worse with time. I absolutely agree that killing yourself over some asshole is insane, but killing yourself because you are so ill, afraid and depressed that life is unbearable (and you know you are going to die painfully anyway) is actually a fairly rational idea. I haven’t done it and won’t anytime soon because I have two dogs and a disabled daughter who depend on me. But I will have to before my physical illness cripples me, as I have nobody but my useless bitch ex who can do my physical care. My daughter has motor skills difficulties and is not physically strong enough, and I would never want her to spend years of her life watching me suffer anyway. The ex has offered to be a caregiver, but I don’t trust him not to abuse and abandon me.
    Sometimes suicide does actually make sense. Because you think you can’t live without some douche who treated you horribly? Not so much. That isn’t love, it’s a tauma bond. Therapy is in order.
    The bond will break and you’ll realize life is actually *better* without the suffocating presence of an asshole in it. So any chump who is considering it, please don’t. Kill the fuckwit instead. Just kidding. Sort of.😁

    • Chumperella, awed at your presence and strength of mind! What a mighty mother your daughter has. X

  • He’s not your life. He is a stumbling block you can and will survive.

    The man I was with lied to me and his wife. He told me he had been separated for 8 years and was out of the house. I seriously think he and some friends paid rent on an apartment just to be douches. My fault. Always wait for the divorce papers. See them.

    In any case, I thought he was the love of my life and it took me a long time to realize he was the love of HIS life. He is abusive. Mean. And in need of a lot of therapy.

    He tried to engage in the “pick me dance” again last week and I am ignoring him.

    As one of my guy friends told me, “the one who gets away WINS.”

    Consider yourself lucky. And all the LOVE and KINDNESS you gave him, give to yourself.

    YOU matter and the world would be worse off w/out you.

  • My story in this category is that I tried to drink myself into oblivion. Massive amounts of wine, and even hard liquor, which I hate! And then I took up smoking to make my health even worse.
    This was when the X was prancing around the neighborhood with OW, in front of my sons and my friends. I wanted to crawl under a rock, but I had to go to work, and keep taking care of everything, so I drank to numb my pain. I stopped with the help of my therapist, finally seeing that I had to be the sane one, the one that survived. But two years later I got diagnosed with lots of calcifications in my breast, and had to have a large lumpectomy. I’m positive the drinking and smoking, and shock and horror of the cheating, caused it.
    I’m better now, but wow! I wish I had found my power sooner, and not hurt my own body and mind over a cheating nutbag!

    • Me too Freewoman. I drank for the oblivion – I couldn’t believe what I was living with. A violent, threatening dickhead and I had bought it all on myself and my poor kids. It’s over now and I don’t feel the need to drink like that any more, but boy do we put ourselves through the ringer!

  • There was a time, 3 years and almost 4 months ago, when I was suicidal and came real close. REAL close. Losing the Traitor and losing my family, his 4 sons, his large family, when I have no family left was unbearable. Thanks to Tracy and the wonderful chumps at CL I found my rage instead. I’ve still lost that family, in fact lost the boys even more than I thought possible, but I am still here. I still hurts, especially about the boys, but I am still here, life isn’t so bad, it’s certainly not unbearable.
    I have friends, and new friends, I met wonderful people over the last few years, whom I would not have met if it weren’t for this. We lived practically like hermits with the Traitor because he didn’t like anybody although he claimed I wasn’t sociable… Well, it turns out I am, and I am fairly likable. Traitor still has no friends and wanted to be my friend, but he is unable to behave like a decent respectful human being. So we are not friends.
    After 10 years of his mindfuckery I have rediscovered what it is like to be have people in my life who treat me kindly and understand reciprocity.
    The wreckonciliation disaster wasn’t worth the effort, the unbearable pain was definitely finite, and he certainly isn’t worth dying for. Thank you Chump Lady.

  • My stbx’s first wife tried to commit suicide numerous times , I now realise why . He couldn’t have cared less and was so very full of himself and the hold he had over her.
    When I kicked him out , I refused to give him the satisfaction of thinking he could break me as badly as he had his 1st wife.
    They dont care one way or the other, live or die. I realised he was a nasty ,cruel and deceitful man who didn’t deserve anyone, let alone me. I chose to live and be mighty, he might break someone else but he wont break me….However hard he tries.

  • That I was suicidal for a very long time is undeniable. The pain was so overwhelming that having the option of suicide was comforting. It gave me an out – one I very nearly used. Had things planned and organized (that’s my way).

    I only write this to say to anyone in the darkness of those thoughts and excruciating grief, to trust me and others here that it absolutely does and will get better. Never doubt that. Trust it like gravity. In the worst moments it can seem impossible to imagine, but it’s true. I’m LIVING proof.

    The idea that I danced so close to that line for so long over a serial cheating fuckwit is now unimaginable to me. This site and the people on it played no small part in getting me back on my feet. It gave me insight, perspective, and understanding of what had happened to me and why. Most of all it gave me hope and courage to keep going, for which I will be forever grateful (as are my marvelous children, mother, sister, good friends, and others who have made my life rich again). Keep fighting for yourself. You win in the end. I promise.

    • SO glad you waited and it got better, JK.
      In the depths of the game that’s being played on us, it gets very dark. It’s always good to wait and see what happens! It does get much better. The cheaters are never worth harming ourselves!

  • This post saved my life on April 23 2018. It was 2 months after my husband moved out. And I was driving to work feeling like just ending it all. I called my son and cried to him and admitted I felt like killing myself (not my finest hour, way to make my son take on too much of a burden). My kids are the only thing keeping me together and from doing it because how could I do that to them? Leave them with that legacy. He talked me down and said that I’m going to do better without his dad and that I’ll meet someone else that will love me. Just forget about dad and do what YOU want to do. Enjoy your life and do things for yourself.

    When i got to work I sat in the parking lot and opened up chumplady.com. This was the post that day. Saved my life!!!

    The next day my stbx was at the house when I got home from work. My son had called him and told him I was suicidal. The stbx talked with me about why he was gone and how he felt. Told me about schmoopie being there for him about how he felt about her. We cried, hugged, kissed, etc. I asked him to stay the night, he would not spend the night said he didn’t want to. Although it wasn’t the best conversation for someone who was suicidal after he left, It did give me some relief towards closure. But it strung me along even worse because of the hugging kissing etc.

    Right now I’m so far from killing myself for a fuckwit! I just think he’s s fuckwit, and boy does he suck. I think I’ll always have “suicidal tendencies” from this, but I know I don’t need to act upon them.

    thank you chumplady for that timing.

    • ((Fairytale))
      Glad you’re still here sweetie. Thanks for posting this for anyone in the same place you were last year. xxx

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