Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

UBT: This Isn’t The Real Me

Share on twitter
Share on facebook
Share on reddit
Share on whatsapp
Share on pinterest
Share on pocket
Share on print
Share on email

Ben recently submitted this glorious bit of bullshit from his not-terribly-remorseful wife. She’d like to set the record straight that the woman who cheated on him was NOT her. Well, not the core her anyway. (And if it’s just your genitals cheating, and not your core, it doesn’t count, right?)

You’ll all be relieved to know that however difficult, Ben’s wife will Sacrifice Her Happiness for the Good of the Family.

Here’s her bullshit:

Suddenly I was setting up Skype /What’sApp accounts and using a burner phone and lying to my family about my whereabouts. That’s not ME at my core. As much as I found myself, I also lost myself. Now I’ve chosen my family — I can’t hurt my husband and kids for my own happiness. This is my choice, my reasons don’t matter. No more secrets in my marriage. My heart, but not my head, can be in two places at once. I have chosen my kids and the family life I want them to have with the people who have created them, thanks to the will of God. My happiness is no longer at my forefront. My husband and I are in counseling and much has been talked about that I wish he wasn’t aware of. My feelings have changed, and even if my marriage doesn’t work out, the Other Man and I don’t have a future. OM suffers from depression. You should have heard me with my therapist — if he commits suicide I would have to go mourn him. Try explaining that one to my family!

Boy, CN — can’t you feel the sorry? Without further ado, we’ll put it through the Universal Bullshit Translator.

Suddenly I was setting up Skype /What’sApp accounts and using a burner phone and lying to my family about my whereabouts. That’s not ME at my core.

Deep, deep down in my mitochondrial DNA is the Real Me. She’s a tiny invisible presence. Just a whiff of a scintilla of a simulacrum of a soul. The Real Me isn’t dependent on any of my actual behavior, but I can summon this purported Better Self at will. Like, whenever you call me out on my bullshit. Oh look! There she is!

As much as I found myself, I also lost myself.

My personal journey of discovery was worth destroying your world. I lost myself (see also: mistake, wayward, wandered haplessly into a snowdrift), but in the process I found myself! She was lost, that Happy Person — but cheating on you reawakened me! That true self who isn’t the core me.

Now I’ve chosen my family — I can’t hurt my husband and kids for my own happiness.

If I hurt you, it was only so I could be happy. And isn’t my personal happiness worth your suffering? I think it is.

Choosing you is the right, but miserable choice. Little concession prizes, all of you.

You know what would be great? Is if you cared about my happiness. Then you’d let me fuck other people, and not force me to choose you in great sorrow.

This is my choice, my reasons don’t matter.

I got dumped.

 No more secrets in my marriage.

You won’t learn the truth, so don’t even try.

My heart, but not my head, can be in two places at once.

You’ll never own my heart. But you get my head! An expanse so barren it makes Texas look like the fertile crescent. #winning

I have chosen my kids and the family life I want them to have with the people who have created them, thanks to the will of God.

I blame Jesus for this shit.

I will martyr myself for the sake of God and Family. There is nobility in my suffering. Woe!

My happiness is no longer at my forefront. My husband and I are in counseling and much has been talked about that I wish he wasn’t aware of.

If I say much more about fucking around on him, my husband may not care as deeply about my happiness as he should. I wish he wasn’t aware. #nomoresecrets

My feelings have changed, and even if my marriage doesn’t work out, the Other Man and I don’t have a future.

My feelings changed when the OM dumped me. Time to re-examine my marriage! And hedge my bets if it doesn’t work out.

OM suffers from depression. You should have heard me with my therapist — if he commits suicide I would have to go mourn him. Try explaining that one to my family!

I’m sorry I can’t go to your choral recital, Cindy. I’m mourning my fuckbuddy, who put a bullet in his head for his unrequited love of me. The funeral is today, so your little childhood accomplishments will just have to wait. Does this black Armani suit make Mommy’s ass look fat? I know you’re only 6, but look sharp! Mommy’s talking to you! Tell Mommy she looks pretty in her suit. It’s essential that I look good today, Cindy. His wife will probably be at the funeral, all sad, drab and sexless. But brave in her own way, of course. I need a tasteful outfit that says “I fucked your dead husband. Better than you ever could.”

Oh Cindy, quit sniveling. It’s a school assembly of tone-deaf grade schoolers warbling show tunes. It’s not La Scala. Consider Mommy’s happiness, Darling. I have a funeral to go to.

***

Run, Ben, RUN.

The UBT is sunning itself by the pool, recovering from Monday. This will have to do. 

Share on twitter
Share on facebook
Share on reddit
Share on whatsapp
Share on pinterest
Share on pocket
Share on print
Share on email

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Is this an entry in her diary? An email to someone else? Cheater syntax often confuses me because reading comprehension is generally my strong suit.

    At any rate, in what ever context you found this Ben….RUN

  • Oh my God, I was going to comment on the forums yesterday about dickhead’s definition of “this isn’t me”! I used to get that after he had beat the shit out of me, he would look at me covered in bruises and say “that’s not who I really am”????? Oh and him running off with the fat-ankled skank – that’s not who he really is either. Now my brain hurts!

    • Oh, Attie, I’m sorry you had to live with physical pain from that fuckwit on top of betrayal. May intestinal parasites eat him from the inside out.

    • I’m so sorry too, Attie, that he physically hurt you too. 🙁 I ditto what Tempest said about the parasites^^^. What a scumbag.

    • Attie, besides being rid of a cheater, you got rid of a very stupid man. He leaves you covered with bruises and that’s not who he is??? Besides the parasites I hope he gets a real bad mugging!

      • Thank you ladies, I know Schmoopie no 1 left him because she was “afraid he would kill her”. I hope I’m wrong but I hope latest Schmoopie isn’t going through the same thing!

    • Attie
      So sorry to hear

      I am currently reading the book that was recommended here called:
      How he gets into her head
      The mind of the male intimate abuser

      WhooBoy the mindfuck explained.
      I cannot unknow what I read.

      • Langele I never had a problem knowing what he did was wrong. I was just so beaten down that I didn’t have the energy to fight any more. 3 hours sleep a night would do that to you. Hell if he had half a brain he would be dangerous!

    • I agree VP. Ben and his family are at BEST plan C. She’s already working on plan B while trying to keep some kibbles in reserve. Run!!!!

      • I agree! Plan B, C, D, E, F………….

        However you look at it, Ben and the family are the back-up plan if things don’t work out with any of the AP’s. She’s on the hunt for the Perfect Schmoopie. And once she finds The One, she will toss Ben out like garbage. Run, Ben, run!!!!

  • All I see here is “I’m going to give up true happiness to stay with you”, which seems like the shittiest possible motivator… The amount of stupid in this statement/concept runs so deep, I need a periscope to see light.

    I am not usually this plainly insulting, but this cheater is off the charts absurd – freaky.

    • This woman’s martyrdom pronouncement should be a major red flag. She has turned her misconduct into her “sacrifice” for the family. See how selfless she is, putting her family’s happiness over her own! She should be given a medal for staying married.

      This grand pronouncement is just the beginning of her deliberate plan to change the narrative from “I am a selfish cheater” to “I am the person who courageously saved my family at the expenses of my own happiness.” Soon, she will have everyone convinced that Ben is the real problem in the marriage, bless her heart.

      Run, Forest, run.

      • “She should be given a medal for staying married.” Yep. Right on. She gets a giant bitch cookie!

    • Can you imagine being the spouse & children of this disordered sense of noble sacrifice, knowing the cheater is deeply unhappy with the home, the family, the life you think you are creating together? As it turns out, that was my life for the past 25 years.

      • Mine literally said marrying me was a sacrifice. He also admitted I was plan B when the bitch didn’t work out. Yet, like Ben’s wife, he still he thought I’d stay even after acknowledging my unimportance to him. The stupidity of cheaters is pretty comical.

  • “Little concession prizes, all of you.”

    This pretty much sums up the view of cheaters who try to return to the family unit. Our self-respect dictates we do not allow ourselves to be their consolation trophies, less we end up with all the other participation trophies kids get for soccer, ballet, etc.—in the Goodwill pile.

    • Tempest, so true. I noted the number of “I” “me” “my” in this trash, and she did not reference her husband and how she harmed him once.

      Ben, run like your hair is on fire OR tell her she needs to show through her actions that she is willing to commit in exchange for your risk in continuing with her: post nup that gives you as much custody as you want, split of assets as you want, etc; polygraphs to confirm and verify she is no longer cheating, and her diligent attendance at intensive character changing therapy for 1-5 years. Watch for the rage channel…. she feels entitled to suck your life dry without any reciprocity. This will call her true nature out. YOUR life matters at least this much.

      • “Autocorrect is my fiend.”
        I love this so much! Thank you! Having a rough patch, and laughter is truly the best medicine!

  • I Love that the UBT can make this typical, cheaterspeak so hillarious that we can laugh instead of cry…I don’t know how I would’ve got through some of those hardest days without it. Thanks CL.

    • I Ditto the run, Ben, run!
      I’ve been around the block several times with someone who lost himself, found himself, and came back to his family several times (God’s will that he keep his commitments and all that) before finally nearly destroying everyone. Ben, your wife, in this short piece of bullshit, proves in so many ways that she is not worth your effort. The kids need a stable parent and you, living a happy stable life ON YOUR OWN, are their only option.

      • Bloomingwithouthim,

        I still remember wasband saying to me one day, “I’m not ready to come home yet.” Say WHAT?!?! A major light bulb moment for me. I was sure he had completely lost his mind because he kept coming up with statements similar to this and, silly me, I thought he had been struck with a sudden nervous breakdown and it was therefore my job to ‘be patient’ until ‘it passed’.

        Upon finding LACGAL a major set of light bulbs came on all at once and I realized the man I thought I had known didn’t exist and that the person in his place was a stranger.

  • Sounds a bit familiar. My cheater was gearing up to leave me for her true love ex. When he dumped her, all of the sudden she wanted back. He kept popping back up on his time. And she would run right back. I would say based on her BS here, she is using you for stability and a paycheck till something better comes along!

    • Mine went back and forth for the few days I thought I would take him back. I think that since she lived a couple of hours away, he wasn’t sure if it would work out with her, so one moment he wanted counseling, then next moment he “wasn’t sure.” Thankfully, I pulled my head out of my behind and demanded a divorce shortly thereafter, so he was forced to deal with being alone or making it work with her. Not surprising to anyone on here, he made it work with her since he can’t be all by his little self.

      I was clearly going to be his plan B since he could no longer cake eat. No thanks. I’m happy to be single and be my own Plan A.

  • how can they make the choices they do and then when it all comes out think they can just side step all accountability by claiming it wasn’t their fault…..I am horrified by the amount of cheaters who just think they are entitled to their marriage that it is not something they actually have to put effort into..my moron of an ex actually blamed 8 years of same sex adultery on being demonically possessed, and when I laughed my ass of and called bullshit and refused to take him back, he quickly became the victim and changed his story to my being an abusive bitch. If you make the choices you own the consequences.

  • Disco Wednesday . . .

    (music by The Andrea True Connection, lyrics by Ben’s Fuckwit)

    Oooh, how do you like my bull? . . .
    Oooh, how do you like my bull? . . .

    But if you want to know
    How I really roll
    Keep the hustle going
    Keep the bullshit flowing
    Baby you know that wasn’t really me
    Listen to my drivel
    Not the UBT

    Core, core, core
    Wasn’t the real me, not the ideal me
    Core, core, core
    Now you can trust me, once we’ve discussed me
    Core, core, core
    I’m a quick learner — hey, where’s my burner phoooooooone? . . .

    • I’m DYING! I’m sitting here singing this in my head! PERFECT way to start the day! Tx for the laugh! Sometimes – ya gotta laugh or your head will be in the oven…I always say! Blahahahaha!

  • Apparently ass-hat cheaters seem to use the same bullshit-o-meter because pretty much everything that the CL publishes, I’ve experienced either first hand as a devastated Chump or dealt with from a clueless narcissist. It’s uncanny that they’re all cut from the same cloth, never having known each other! Yeah – I got the same shit. Mine was…”I was in a dark place.” Really? You mean you fucked her with the lights off for 5 yrs or…what? I’m confused. His family?The same shit – “I don’t know the person who did this.” Um…yeah ya do – he’s right there. Over there – I’m pointing at him. The tall guy with the giant beer gut and an inside-out bellybutton from a hernia from pushing out those massive farts. Over there – yeah…right there. He and they can all blame it on this “dark place” so they don’t have to face the fact that he or their loved one is a cheating, narcissistic, sociopath who fucked someone for 5 YEARS, devastating his loyal wife of 40 yrs and his 2 grown sons who will never look at their father quite the same again. If they blame “Dark Man” then they can separate out their real feelings and ignore them. If it were ME? Ooooooh gurrrrl…there would be no “dark place.” I’d be TOAST. It’s called compartmentalization. It’s every cheater’s calling card. They need it – that is, if they even have a shred of a conscience. They have to put that into another “box” so that they can continue doing what they’re doing. Easier to ignore and pretend that way. This way NOBODY has to look at the total ugly, immoral, unethical souls they have. This way – they don’t HAVE to have any character, integrity or sense of what’s right because it’s not THEM – it’s the “Dark Man” – or in this case it’s not what’s at her “Core.” And core rhymes with whore and that’s the bottom line. Oh poor her…she NOW chooses her family instead of her happiness? Like – seriously? I can’t even.

    • This was around 1995, when the cheater admitted to going up to Canada over ten times and messing around with 100% naked strippers — he called it his “lost time”. Yeah, he was lost in lots of Canadian Cooters! Plus at this same time, he was having an affair with someone at work, which he eventually got fired for. He won’t admit to the affair, but I KNOW deep down that he was. I suspected it at the time, because of the way he was acting towards me. And him saying to me while I was pregnant with his second child, “You and the kids will be financially fine without me.”

      These cheaters will blame their actions on anyone/anything. “I was lost.” “The Dark Man made me cheat.” “Your trust issues made me cheat.” “The dog ate my newspaper, so I had to cheat.” The excuses and blame shifting are endless. Trust that they suck!!!!!

      • I recall my ex saying “You will have no problem finding a boyfriend” after DDay. He wasn’t really saying it to me, however, he was saying it to himself in order to alleviate his own guilt. It didn’t make me feel better at all. From my perspective at the time that fact should have been completely irrelevant and the thought of it should have been disturbing to him and it obviously wasn’t.

        Oh, and he said that in the middle of the last time we ever made love in a moment of trauma sex. So messed up on so many levels.

        • PS. He also said I would be fine financially, again to himself in front of me not to me.

          It’s not really betrayal if I can recover right?

          • Yeah, my XH said in The Divorce Letter that my counseling that I started after D-day will help in all my future relationships. He also repeatedly said in a covert way that I was the problem for all his lying and cheating, and that he trusts that “God will heal me”. At the time this all confused me and I truly thought I was the problem. But then the wise Chump Lady beamed the light into the dark and things started to become clearer every single day! These cheaters think they are so brilliant with what they say to us, but they are all the same and not even close to being special. XH’s told him he was “perfect and special” all his life. Nope! Not even close! How about “morally corrupt and ordinary”?

        • Ungh. Mine said “and it’s good that you’re still hot so you’ll be just fine to find a new man”. And as you said, it was exactly to alleviate his guilt not really to comfort me. There hadn’t been D-Day yet, all I knew was he was walking out the door so fast he could have been the winner of a drag race in The Fast and the Furious. After the fact, I think about it and what he was really doing and thinking and I hate his face.

    • Hey – wasn’t Dexter also in a ‘ dark place ‘? This is another example of my double life theory – in order to justify their actions they all create an alternative ( false) reality that they can live in – the foundation of which are a mountain of lies and deceptions. I’ve also found they must get you to join the them in their bizzaro world and we just can’t – a normal sane person can’t live there – we don’t have the foundation. These people are really sick – and deep down THEY KNOW THEY ARE. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TOO LEAVE – NOW

    • After UxWorld’s lyrics I got to “core rhymes with whore” and thought of “(Ya Got) Trouble in River City” from The Music Man.

  • Wait, so this dumbass was unable to cure the OM of his depression? I thought the pursuit of their Great Happiness was necessary for precisely this! Above all else!

    I heard that my X Asshat texted to one non-communicative daughter that he is depressed, has anxiety, and is having nightmares. Huh. More than 2 years after abandoning me to go crawl into the bed of a woman half his age he is not happy. Nuking his family and amputating the wife appliance didn’t do the trick and he is still the same disordered clusterfuck he ever was. Gee, I guess it really wasn’t my fault.

    I hope Ben can give us an update. His submission here at least shows he is looking for some truth behind the garbage that dumbass lying cheater is spewing.

  • The “I would have to go mourn him” line is truly chilling. Talk about soulless impression management…

    And I agree with CL that the kids will be next in line for the mindfuck. None of you is a consolation prize, and I bet you have actual hearts & souls that this woman will wring out “for God and family.” Really terrifying.

  • I hate this whole ‘monogamy means giving up happiness’ narrative! ‘Keeping your kids’ family intact while not cheating is a sacrifice!’

    No, damn it. For so many of us, monogamy is a huge source of happiness! Having a partner who you know you can trust, who has your back, who actually loves you, warts and all?? AND with whom you can reciprocate all that? THE BEST! Raising kids together, growing older together, weathering life’s ups and downs together? A huge WIN in life, a huge gain!

    Like everything here in REALITY, none of this is perfect. Like everything worth having, it requires periods of hard work, yes some sacrifices, and some very-not-fun times. But 100% worth it!

    I actually understand the cheating; cheaters want all the good stuff, without any of the work or hard parts, and certainly not ‘sacrificing’ fucking strange. And my Ex, at least, was super resentful that his marvelous self didn’t get all the good all the time, w/none of costs.

    My mistake was that I didn’t realize that people like the cheaters were so common, that intelligence is not a sign of character, that these Edgar suits can SAY the right things, but live none of them ….

    But to a real person, the work and the sacrifices make the rewards even more satisfying. All of it together, THAT is my happiness.

    • *standing ovation*

      So tired of the “monogamy as life prison sentence” narrative.

      I was very happy to be faithful and to raise a family and create a home with my then-husband. I simply can’t relate to folks who are always looking for the next high, and instead of feeling content, they feel like they have settled. I wish that all of those people would stay out of the dating pool.

    • These people have no idea what “happiness” is. Their operational definition is “what makes me feel good in the moment and what costs me the least sacrifice.”

    • KarenE,

      Very well put. The X, in one of our many conversations, stated ‘YOU were happy, it was okay for you.’ ‘It’ being marriage.

      We had been together for over 3 decades and he had made one comment about how hard marriage was -not even specifically making the statement to me – just a generalized statement. And I was supposed to figure that one out? Yes, according to cheaterspeak, I was.

      Oooops, I didn’t have a set of directions other than the vows we took when we got married.

  • My ex did say “I don’t know who I am anymore”. I was still pick me dancing at the time so I didn’t say what I was thinking “yeah, that makes two of us”. He also told me during reconciliation that I was the more difficult choice. I guess I didn’t show enough gratitude for his willingness to make the difficult choice to pretend to reconcile so he decided to run off with easy after all.

    Anyway, this chick has some cheek in assuming that her “family” is going to be grateful to her for condescending to put aside her “happiness” for their sakes. She seems to think they should be bowing down in gratitude for her sacrifice to them. Well maybe their “happiness” is better served by having her just go away. Maybe they don’t need a selfish self centered wife and mother living at home and forever resenting them for the choices that she made. How is that going to be better or the family?

  • “Just my genitals cheating, not my core”….. Hahahahahahahaha. #justmygenitalscheating

    Like the person who “does not steal” just because he/she might get caught.

    Oh my dear! Ever since the Paleolithic….. cheaters rehash their shit with a teaspoon of “Will of God” and a pinch of genuine imitation naugahyde remorse.

  • “This isnt the real me!” So what, your doppelganger took over your body and made you fuck up over months of deception and betrayal? Oh no! We should call an exorcist!
    Nah, I’ll just get some movers and carry on. They can try their bullshit somewhere else. Preferably far far away from me and my tiny humans.

  • The kicker is she is saying *some* things right, but then they are interspersed with inequivocale markers of self-protecting lies. She just said she is not happy in her marriage, but her happiness doesn’t matter, but her heart will keep loving the other person too, and has no genuine interest in full disclosure and also makes it clear that she chose her “family” just because things couldn’t work out with the other dude.

    That’s what I call a sinking ship and I hope her husband sees through her bullshit at once!

  • This is the craziest thing ever. Ben she is not happy but will suffer to keep her stability and lifestyle together. Where is any voice of love for you and your kids? The OM was probably crazy and it scared her. Now she wants you to just forget the burner phone and all the lies.
    Get away now!!

  • Also, anyone else think she left the OM BECAUSE he was depressed?
    A sulky whiner wiener is NOT better than her own boring family, loo, she came to her senses!!! Narc style…

    • Or he’s depressed because he got caught cheating an the consequences came raining down. And so now it’s not all a happy set of interlocked triangles where they’ve got a secret and everyone else is in the dark.

  • Ah, the initial cake move. I remember that. Early on, there was a very short-lived offer to give up all of his happiness and his true live for the outside chance of reconciling with drab and uninteresting little me, at that point the wife of 28 years, partner of 33 years, and mom of a HS Sophomore and a spanking new college grad. Awwwww! He might consider giving up his completely awesome mistress in favor of the ongoing drudgery of pretending to give a shit about our marriage! What a guy! Couldn’t say thanks but no thanks fast enough, but the offer was never real, in any case, and was withdrawn even faster, soon replaced by the “I need to ponder this carefully” invitation to do the dance of the seven veils while he continued to shack up with the idiot mistress, who looks like a giraffe and could easily pass for his daughter. Again, no thanks. I knew I would opt for managing my enticing veils without any input from the idiot, and so I did.

    • LOL, what a turd. My ex went through a few rounds of “I’m not sure I’m making the right choice, let me take time to think on it.” Naturally, I fell for it at first–desperate to keep my family intact. And truly, that’s what it comes down to…cheaters leverage a chump’s desperation. They weaponize our desire to keep our children and home safe and content. They use our normalcy and love for our children against us–despicable.

      The final time my ex pulled they old “not sure I’m doing the right thing” routine, I simply put my hand up and said “I’ve filed for divorce. It’s done. You no longer get a choice.” That felt good. It was a first step toward regaining control of my life.

    • Very funny, Cashmere. He needed to “ponder,” eh? 33 years and he still hadn’t made up his mind…

  • Oh boy, oh boy, THIS looks fun. I wanna take a stab at this one too…

    “Suddenly I was setting up Skype /What’sApp accounts and using a burner phone and lying to my family about my whereabouts.”

    SUDDENLY…as if it JUST happened one morning. She woke up, and there was a burner phone in her oatmeal! (dundunDUUUUUUUNNN)

    “That’s not ME at my core.”

    I have a thick outer shell and hollow core.

    “As much as I found myself, I also lost myself.”

    Wait I thought I took a left turn at Albequerque…(smacks GPS) is this thing working? Where am I?

    “Now I’ve chosen my family — I can’t hurt my husband and kids for my own happiness.”

    I GUESS I’ll stay with my husband. I’m not HAPPY about it but I GUESSSssssss…(heavy groan) I’m just that self-sacrificing.

    “This is my choice, my reasons don’t matter.”

    My reasons for cheating don’t matter, why do you need to know? STOP ASKING.

    “No more secrets in my marriage.”

    All secrets I created.

    “My heart, but not my head, can be in two places at once.”

    Because removing the head or destroying the brain is how you perma-kill a zombie. Taking out the heart doesn’t do much, she’ll keep coming quick SHOOT THE HEAD!! THE HEAD!!!

    “I have chosen my kids and the family life I want them to have with the people who have created them, thanks to the will of God.”

    Jesus came to me in a vision and told me “Go forth and sin no more!” I have been blessed with divinity. So you have to forgive me. Because GOD does. And you can’t argue with God. (btw he only speaks to ME and not you because I’m special.)

    “My happiness is no longer at my forefront.”

    Just in case you forgot how self-sacrificing I am. Did you forget? Don’t forget.

    “My husband and I are in counseling and much has been talked about that I wish he wasn’t aware of.”

    And I’d have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for my meddling husband! (Scooby-Doo theme plays in the distance)

    “My feelings have changed,”

    I got caught.

    “Even if my marriage doesn’t work out,”

    I mean we’re not TOO serious, we’re just taking it easy, it might not work out…I’m keeping my options open, but y’know I’ll give it the ol’ college try.

    “Other Man and I don’t have a future.”

    We got caught.

    “OM suffers from depression.”

    He’s SO depressed and sad. So you’re not allowed to get mad at him. He’ll get depressed.

    “You should have heard me with my therapist — if he commits suicide I would have to go mourn him. Try explaining that one to my family!”

    I told you he’s DEPRESSED. You have to be CAREFUL or he might kill himself and it will all be your fault! And wouldn’t your face be red when THAT happens? *tsk tsk*

  • “very short-lived offer to give up all of his happiness and his true live for the outside chance of reconciling with drab and uninteresting little me”. Yeah that is kind of what it was for me too. The expectation was that I would work on myself and try and do better to be someone he could stand to live with. I was despairing because I had already been pick me dancing for years ever since the emotional affair and I really didn’t know what more I could do. In a moment of lucidity I remarked “You are the one who cheated so why am I the one who has to beg you to stay, shouldn’t it be the other way around?” His response was “yeah, that’s kind of messed up” but that exchange didn’t change anything.

    • Same. I can’t believe I picked me dance and sacrificed my own dignity for a turd. I don’t think I will ever forgive him, but in the meantime, I’m working on forgiving myself. I put up with so much abuse and devaluation, even before the discovery of the “exit affair.” The emotional affair(s), inappropriate friendships, porn, strippers, prostitutes, not to mention the distancing, lying, raging, drinking, gas lighting, emotional abuse, etc. I look back and wonder what the hell was I trying to save — the whole marriage was full of awful.

      • This is the hardest part to get over for me. There were red flags serious enough to walk away from her before getting married but I spackled them over because I was in love and the truth terrified me so it was very easy to accept her lies. I want to go back in time and knock some sense into myself for being so gullible and so stupid.

        The scarlet letter had it right, I think.

  • I too got the “I’ll sacrifice my happiness to stay with you” offer. Pardon me while I swoon. His had the added bonus of “I think I can make it ten years and then I’ll probably kill myself.” Awwww, what a romantic. I can vividly remember sitting across from him in our living room as he suggested this and finally sputtering out “what the f*#% is wrong with you?”

    He never stopped to think what that offer sounded like to me. “If you invest ten more years of your life, I’ll power through in abject misery before finally putting a bullet in my head.” But then they never do stop to think about anyone other than themselves.

      • During wreckonciliatin, mine said “maybe I need shock therapy. Maybe that would make me want to stay with you.” I remember staring at him in disbelief and saying something like “gee, thanks asshole, for saying you need shock therapy to want to be with me”. I mean, WTF?

        It was just another nail in the coffin – at the time these types of comments helped me to see this was not a marriage worth saving, and that my ex was definitely not the guy I thought he was. It has only become clearer to me as time as gone on. Holy hell, he’s insane. Reality does not exist for him, it’s all what he makes it in his head…

    • There was a Chumplady where the cheater talked in percentages. ‘I’ll be x percent here with you..’. This reminds me of that same logic. Marriage is the whole enchilada. It is 100.

  • Ex and I had four options:

    Best option for him: Cake – we stay married and he keeps all of the perks that go along with that but he also gets to carry on with Schmoopie as if he isn’t married.

    Best option for me: He gives up Schmoopie and all future Schmoopies, focusses on our relationship, does some serious introspection and remembers that he loves me and why he married me in the first place.

    Worst option: He gives up Schmoopie and sticks with me but resents it forever and I spend the rest of my life trying to make him not regret that decision and never really succeeding. He always has one foot out the door and I know it.

    The compromise option and the one we eventually agreed upon: Divorce. He got to keep Schmoopie and I got to keep my dignity.

  • I holy shit, this reads like a manifesto written by Bruce Banner’s psycho wife.
    “You’re making me be moral; you wouldn’t like me when I’m moral.”
    Then when self pity, charm, and, I’m gonna go with, Jesus cheater? fails, you get rage channel and subterfuge:
    “SLUT WIFE, SMASH!

    Also, What is it with cheaters and suicide? They almost romanticize the event as if it is a tragic eventually in their own bullshit harlequin novel. So fucked up. Hope you’re Ben-Gone from this living dumpster fire.

    • Mine told me she had a plan to kill herself before we met. I guess they all enjoy the thought of martyrdom.

        • Suicide threats. Both to spouse and affair partner…. centrality. Pity attempt. Manipulation. Respond with ‘I’ll call the cops and they’ll get you help…’. And they will. 72 hours in a mental hospital to determine if a threat. And can be used in custody.

          I don’t think many narcissist actually kill themselves… but why take the chance? #911.

  • “I am a different person now.” Is how I heard it from my ex.
    UBT version: ” I want the consequences of my behavior to magically go away.”

  • “This isn’t the real me.”

    Oh, how cheaters love to lead a double life. Such shallow bonds and entitlement allow them to lead that double life with multiple partners without accountability or consequences.

    Oh darn, getting caught, having to choose. The choice was already made when they were looking, fucking and lying Ben.

  • They are all the same. I got “I never ever dreamed I would do what I did. It’s not who I am. It never was, and it never will be again”. But it is who They are and They will always be an Adulterer. They will also have to answer to God as to why they broke 4 of his 10 commandments.

  • I loved the Armani Suit reference- accurate and such a visual on the toxic selfishness.
    The suicide comments-Jesus Christ, lady. Only a cheater could make someone’s tragic death “all about me”.
    #postmortemkibbles

    • Indeed. Clearly, she’s a narc. There is no fixing this. Ben has to dump her on her ass, Armani suit and all.

  • My jerk said that he isn’t really a cheater a liar and an abuser “at my core”. He claimed he was acting against his values. Because unhappiness.
    Right. Whenever I’m unhappy, I just boink the mailman and call my husband a cuck. Instant happiness. But it totally isn’t part of my core values.

    Btw, it’s Chumperella. I got myself a new handle. But it isn’t ME. I fucked the gardener and chumpedupthevolume just appeared out of the ether. Funny how that happens!

  • “………..thanks to the will of God.” The UBT interpreted this perfectly!

    Every single time I see a cheater bring God into what they did and are doing, it gets me so upset. No, Cheater! God does not approve of anything you did and are doing. Stop playing the God Card! They act like by bringing God into what they are doing, then everything is okay, because God is mentioned.

    My chump guy friends cheating wife said to him that her and her married AP were “going to church now and taking the kids too!” Wow! How wonderful! NOT! Her married AP was also a elder at the church. Wow, so impressive! NOT! She moved her married AP into her house after her divorce (yes, he was still married). Her two children and his four had to play ‘Happy Blended Christian Family’. My friend was so disgusted. And people wonder why people are leaving churches in droves!!

    • I had a buddy call me Monday to tell me cuntbag took sparkle dick to Church for the first time Sunday. Apparently he looked like a deer caught in the headlights because he is a Scientology guy.
      She’s a so called Christian who has moved fuckface into our house before our divorce is final. 3 of my kids and 4 of his 5 with 3 women. She believes she’s “the one”. Karma is on the horizon! It’s going to be epic!

  • Fuckwit: I’m NOT a cheater, don’t call me that! It’s not me.

    Chump: We’ve already established who you are.

    Actual argument I had to have with fuckwit multiple times. I shouldn’t be shocked, but I still am, at how utterly the same they all are. It’s like some weird zombie clones in our midst, pretending to be human, but failing over time.

  • Did anyone else notice how she constantly uses the words My, Mine, or Me. To describe the people in her life? She’s clearly a selfish narcissist. Get out, Ben! You deserve better!

  • Word salad diced, tossed, and served!!
    Graduate level mind fuckery!
    UBT must be heaving with exhaustion.

  • Good news! My decree absolute was granted today! I had to contain my joy in court. Things actually look brighter 🔆.
    Keep going guys! Getting rid of shit feels good.

  • Mandie,

    Congratulations! I know I felt a huge relief when my divorce became final and I was no longer liable for anything that come his way due to his behavior. That fear hung over my head like a really big dark cloud.

    It also freed me up to legally change beneficiaries etc on legal documents so another woman wouldn’t ever be able to take anything else from my children.

  • “This isn’t the real me?”

    Dude, the cheating and lying is SOOOOO the real you. It’s the decent-seeming part of you that’s fake as Dollar Store cheese.

  • >