I have been an avid reader of Chumplady.com for the last 16 months. After marrying my soon to be erstwhile husband, I discovered just at our one-year anniversary, six weeks after the purchase of our home, that he had been engaging in multiples affairs, hookers, match.com dates, well, you know the story. By the time I caught on the truth, this man had managed to decimate all of my financial reserves and place me in more than $50,000 in credit card debt. It happened like the boiled frog, one degree at a time.
In my despair, which was complete, (isolation, debt, feeling old) this was days before my 60th birthday, I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills with ample Jack Daniel chasers. I subsequently sought help and spent a week in a psychiatric center stripped down to less than the essentials, wearing paper hospital pants, one of my husband’s oversized shirts, and the non-skid socks issued to all patients. In my ONLY session with a counselor (it was a five-day stay) she told me about your website. I checked it out when I was released and have looked to you and the many chumps for guidance and support since.
Owing to the financial devastation, I opted to stay in the house; it was 90% filled with my possessions, ALL of my money was spent. He would not leave and of course used every tactic to convince me to reconcile…all while continuing to pursue his dates on match.com.
Flash forward to several months of reconciliation; it looked clean from many aspects. He joined a church, met regularly with his priest, arranged a renewal of our vows in the church while simultaneously texting pics of his freshly ejaculated penis to an old high school friend. I texted him and his current victim while he was in church, suggesting that he seek help.
Several weeks have passed, we live in the same house but separately. He is now engaged deeply with Sexaholics Anonymous, following his steps…earnestly, and booking his dates on match.com, POF, and Eharmony. Each month he overdrafts his (our joint) checking account because of his dating expenses. My life, meanwhile, is directed to finishing my degree at a beautiful college near me. I have excelled in my full-time studies, high A’s, and getting the praise of fellow students and professors. This works as both therapy, self actualization, preparation for employment ( I was sidelined with health issues for a couple of years) and some necessary socialization after years of being constrained by controlling narcissists.
Last night, the evening before a critical final exam, he chose to shoot himself in the chest, (lung, liver, kidney) carefully preparing letters for each of his four children, me… He then was able to drag his bleeding almost-corpse onto every bed linen in the house. It was a bloody scene when I arrived, carefully displayed for the fullest impact. Detectives processed the scene, me, for hours. He is out of the house, in ICU, Baker Acted.
My phone is blowing up with calls and what I am learning is that EVERYBODY KNEW HE WAS CRAZY, but they thought I was so nice…and he had finally changed. Those that know him, family, ex-wives, girlfriends, EVERYBODY in his wake is harmed. I am traumatized from the scene of blood, GUNSHOTS TO THE CHEST, SUICIDE!!! Despair. What do I do???
What do I do? Liquidate everything. Everything. Without guilt. Seek legal guidance on Monday and execute without hesitation or deliberation. He gave me a gift of crazy and I will utilize it to the fullest extent to protect myself. He will NEVER legally re-enter this home. Everything will be sold, my things as well, and I will march out of this horror of a mistake and redefine myself as I see fit.
Sex addicts, psychopaths, wounded little boys who had to share their mother with the other siblings, boo hoo.
PS: I have his computer, phone, wallet etc. He is on numerous dating sites. Would it be illegal or unwise for me to update his profile to let all the ladies know that he is a sexual predator and psychopath? I am going to cancel the accounts so I can prevent more payments.
What a horror! You must be in total shock. My first dark thought was: How does this guy survive a gunshot wound to the chest? Is he Freddy Krueger? A zombie? Does he have some sort of sex addiction super powers from harvesting the compassion of unsuspecting chumps for decades?
Typical psychopath — destroys everyone else’s life and expects them to clean up the mess. UGH.
Well, enough about that monster. The important thing is to GET AWAY FROM HIM!
He’s not dead yet. So that means he’ll try his damnedest to suck you back in and make you responsible for him. Your new instincts are right on — fire sale this and see a lawyer. But please, please, please put together a support team. Call a domestic abuse hotline — because that is what this situation is, abuse — and get professional help.
In the U.S., two resources for you — The National Domestic Violence Hotline — 1-800-799-7233 — and womenslaw.org — which has all the divorce laws in your state and a legal online help portal, staffed with volunteers.
Frankly, you needed this several boiling frogs ago. Financial abuse is ABUSE. In fact, 99 percent of all domestic violence includes financial abuse according to the National Network to End Domestic Violence. Decimating your finances, in addition to enriching himself and his various addictions, keeps you vulnerable to him. Weakens your ability to financially assert your independence. Please cancel all your joint accounts with him ASAP!
Speaking of trying to destroy your independence, I’m sure it’s no coincidence this guy tried to off himself before your big exam. He will derail you by any means necessary.
Listen, you’re rocking the education — it will be there. Your smarts are not going away, nor will that school. Your ONLY order of business right now is to GET OUT and go absolute NO CONTACT with that predator.
My phone is blowing up with calls and what I am learning is that EVERYBODY KNEW HE WAS CRAZY, but they thought I was so nice…and he had finally changed.
Every chump raise your hand who heard this line.
Where were these people when you were in non-skid socks? Why didn’t they speak up before? Your incredible powers of NICENESS silenced them?
I get the awkwardness of Switzerland neutrality, not wanting to poison people’s opinions of others — but “CRAZY”? It had to get to this point before anyone could utter the truth about him?
To any chump out there who has a friend who leveled with them about Crazy, who risked their friendship with you to point out red flags — hold this person close. This is a rare, brave friend.
Kate, I get that you want to be that truth teller. On his dating sites and wherever else — but you’re in a CRISIS. Save YOURSELF. Stop thinking about how to save other people. Focus on your own self-preservation. It’s critical.
In fact, examine this about yourself. We’re chumps here, we get it. I’m not saying squelch the beautiful compassionate part of your character, I’m saying ask yourself why one fuckwit’s POTENTIAL out weighed the HARM he caused you?
It was NEVER your job to fix him. Or bail him out. Or take him back. Shame on those quack “sex addiction” therapists and their phony theories. (Who gives a shit why he’s this way? He’s HURTING PEOPLE. STOP IT NOW and SHUT IT DOWN.)
Kate, you’re a mighty woman and you will survive this. All that energy you’ve been giving this fuckwit is yours now. Get help, accept the help, and embrace your freedom.
Thank God he didn’t turn the gun on you.