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When ‘Sex Addiction’ Turns Deadly

Dear Chump Lady,

I have been an avid reader of Chumplady.com for the last 16 months. After marrying my soon to be erstwhile husband, I discovered just at our one-year anniversary, six weeks after the purchase of our home, that he had been engaging in multiples affairs, hookers, match.com dates, well, you know the story. By the time I caught on the truth, this man had managed to decimate all of my financial reserves and place me in more than $50,000 in credit card debt. It happened like the boiled frog, one degree at a time.

In my despair, which was complete, (isolation, debt, feeling old) this was days before my 60th birthday, I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills with ample Jack Daniel chasers. I subsequently sought help and spent a week in a psychiatric center stripped down to less than the essentials, wearing paper hospital pants, one of my husband’s oversized shirts, and the non-skid socks issued to all patients. In my ONLY session with a counselor (it was a five-day stay) she told me about your website. I checked it out when I was released and have looked to you and the many chumps for guidance and support since.

Owing to the financial devastation, I opted to stay in the house; it was 90% filled with my possessions, ALL of my money was spent. He would not leave and of course used every tactic to convince me to reconcile…all while continuing to pursue his dates on match.com.

Flash forward to several months of reconciliation; it looked clean from many aspects. He joined a church, met regularly with his priest, arranged a renewal of our vows in the church while simultaneously texting pics of his freshly ejaculated penis to an old high school friend. I texted him and his current victim while he was in church, suggesting that he seek help.

Several weeks have passed, we live in the same house but separately. He is now engaged deeply with Sexaholics Anonymous, following his steps…earnestly, and booking his dates on match.com, POF, and Eharmony. Each month he overdrafts his (our joint) checking account because of his dating expenses. My life, meanwhile, is directed to finishing my degree at a beautiful college near me. I have excelled in my full-time studies, high A’s, and getting the praise of fellow students and professors. This works as both therapy, self actualization, preparation for employment ( I was sidelined with health issues for a couple of years) and some necessary socialization after years of being constrained by controlling narcissists.

Last night, the evening before a critical final exam, he chose to shoot himself in the chest, (lung, liver, kidney) carefully preparing letters for each of his four children, me… He then was able to drag his bleeding almost-corpse onto every bed linen in the house. It was a bloody scene when I arrived, carefully displayed for the fullest impact. Detectives processed the scene, me, for hours. He is out of the house, in ICU, Baker Acted.

My phone is blowing up with calls and what I am learning is that EVERYBODY KNEW HE WAS CRAZY, but they thought I was so nice…and he had finally changed. Those that know him, family, ex-wives, girlfriends, EVERYBODY in his wake is harmed. I am traumatized from the scene of blood, GUNSHOTS TO THE CHEST, SUICIDE!!! Despair. What do I do???

What do I do? Liquidate everything. Everything. Without guilt. Seek legal guidance on Monday and execute without hesitation or deliberation. He gave me a gift of crazy and I will utilize it to the fullest extent to protect myself. He will NEVER legally re-enter this home. Everything will be sold, my things as well, and I will march out of this horror of a mistake and redefine myself as I see fit.

Sex addicts, psychopaths, wounded little boys who had to share their mother with the other siblings, boo hoo.

PS: I have his computer, phone, wallet etc. He is on numerous dating sites. Would it be illegal or unwise for me to update his profile to let all the ladies know that he is a sexual predator and psychopath? I am going to cancel the accounts so I can prevent more payments.

Kate

Dear Kate,

What a horror! You must be in total shock. My first dark thought was: How does this guy survive a gunshot wound to the chest? Is he Freddy Krueger? A zombie? Does he have some sort of sex addiction super powers from harvesting the compassion of unsuspecting chumps for decades?

Typical psychopath — destroys everyone else’s life and expects them to clean up the mess. UGH.

Well, enough about that monster. The important thing is to GET AWAY FROM HIM!

He’s not dead yet. So that means he’ll try his damnedest to suck you back in and make you responsible for him. Your new instincts are right on — fire sale this and see a lawyer. But please, please, please put together a support team. Call a domestic abuse hotline — because that is what this situation is, abuse — and get professional help.

In the U.S., two resources for you — The National Domestic Violence Hotline — 1-800-799-7233 — and womenslaw.org — which has all the divorce laws in your state and a legal online help portal, staffed with volunteers.

Frankly, you needed this several boiling frogs ago. Financial abuse is ABUSE. In fact, 99 percent of all domestic violence includes financial abuse according to the National Network to End Domestic Violence. Decimating your finances, in addition to enriching himself and his various addictions, keeps you vulnerable to him. Weakens your ability to financially assert your independence. Please cancel all your joint accounts with him ASAP!

Speaking of trying to destroy your independence, I’m sure it’s no coincidence this guy tried to off himself before your big exam. He will derail you by any means necessary.

Listen, you’re rocking the education — it will be there. Your smarts are not going away, nor will that school. Your ONLY order of business right now is to GET OUT and go absolute NO CONTACT with that predator.

My phone is blowing up with calls and what I am learning is that EVERYBODY KNEW HE WAS CRAZY, but they thought I was so nice…and he had finally changed.

Every chump raise your hand who heard this line.

Where were these people when you were in non-skid socks? Why didn’t they speak up before? Your incredible powers of NICENESS silenced them?

I get the awkwardness of Switzerland neutrality, not wanting to poison people’s opinions of others — but “CRAZY”? It had to get to this point before anyone could utter the truth about him?

To any chump out there who has a friend who leveled with them about Crazy, who risked their friendship with you to point out red flags — hold this person close. This is a rare, brave friend.

Kate, I get that you want to be that truth teller. On his dating sites and wherever else — but you’re in a CRISIS. Save YOURSELF. Stop thinking about how to save other people. Focus on your own self-preservation. It’s critical.

In fact, examine this about yourself. We’re chumps here, we get it. I’m not saying squelch the beautiful compassionate part of your character, I’m saying ask yourself why one fuckwit’s POTENTIAL out weighed the HARM he caused you?

It was NEVER your job to fix him. Or bail him out. Or take him back. Shame on those quack “sex addiction” therapists and their phony theories. (Who gives a shit why he’s this way? He’s HURTING PEOPLE. STOP IT NOW and SHUT IT DOWN.)

Kate, you’re a mighty woman and you will survive this. All that energy you’ve been giving this fuckwit is yours now. Get help, accept the help, and embrace your freedom.

Thank God he didn’t turn the gun on you.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
    • A must read for everyone—Gavin De Becker’s The Gift of Fear
      (I hope it will open for everyone)

      file:///C:/Users/User/Downloads/The%20Gift%20of%20Fear%20(2018_02_06%2018_44_37%20UTC)%20(1)%20(2).pdf

        • Gavin de Becker protecting the gift is geared towards women and children. Similar to gift of fear but with specific examples and exercises on how to hone intuition. For yourself and your children.

    • Please please get a restraining order and go into a witness protection or something of the sort. He will kill you, god forbid. Move Out of the state with no forwarding address, or even out of the country.

      I am so sorry and send my loving hugs and support for you. Hang in there and realize you are stronger than you ever know. You can do it. Please seek a therapist specializing in this sort of thing and make your plan to get away. Sending you love and hugs.

  • Telling, he made sure he wiped blood on the bed linen. I think he was expecting sympathy from you. The websites I wouldn’t bother telling them, they probably realised he was married. Your friends might not have known the truth, but probably did know, people see what they want to see. He destroyed his life, don’t let him destroy yours.
    You will find comfort from this website.
    Good luck

  • While I am truly sorry for Kate, such a horrible thing to go through, I am a bit envious.
    Hate to be the first (only?) person to say this, but I kinda wish my cheater shot himself.
    Maybe THEN there would have been kindness and understanding from people, instead of the backing off and judgement I experienced.
    But cheater would never self-harm, he’s just so precious and perfect, doncha know. Why, the world couldn’t exist without him in it!
    I don’t understand why everyone shows up with casseroles, sympathy and flowers when these fuckers die, but totally ignores the chump when their world implodes?

    • Your not the only one to wish that. Mine put a gun in his mouth and me being me talked him down. Sometimes I wonder if it would have just been for the best to let him do it.

      • Yes!
        This will sound awful😓. He recently drank himself stupid and passed out on the couch. I went to bed praying he would die of alcohol poisoning.

        • I’m ashamed to say I wished mine dead too. He actually managed to roll 3 cars and walk away AND get caught up in a fast-flowing river while fishing, all the water entered his waders and he STILL managed to get to safety. My sister said “he couldn’t even do that fucking right could he”! I don’t wish him ill any more because he is far enough away from me that he can no longer hurt me but Kate, please, before this fucker gets out of hospital, get yourself out of there and to safety. Like the others say, the next time he might turn the gun on you. Oh, and for the record, I think you are amazing!

          • I ‘saved’ my cheating XH from stage 4 cancer. He called me his Nurse Angel as I never left his side for TWO years while I took care of an extremely sick man. He had a miraculous recovery, insisted we renew our wedding vows on our anniversary and five months later I caught him in a cheap motel fucking schmoopie.

            As far as I’m concerned he missed a perfectly good opportunity to die. Oh hell yes, I wished he would have died. At least people would have had empathy for me. As it was, I was just a dumped middle aged woman that no one wanted to get near. Not to mention all the life insurance I would have gotten. I’m still pissed about that. Harsh or not, I don’t really GARA.

            • I too prayed to be a young widow. That way I could have concocted a lie about him to the children and get some sympathy.
              Instead the children are finding out what a selfish stubborn angry shit he is and I get told about all the things I should be doing as it relates to the kids while he gets a pat on the back for picking them up every two weeks. But alas… 😬

              • I too have done this. Talked him out of an 8 hour meth addled suicidal episode and wish I’d either called the cops or not got involved. He lied through his teeth through the whole thing (thanks trickle truth and other OWs for reaching out). That kind people are reduced to these dark thoughts is a crime against humanity. It shows how truly destructive they are.

            • Chumptopia, my STBX (very soon, yay!) had stage 4 cancer too.

              Lying and cheating is the thanks we get for taking care of them through that nightmare ordeal.

              Scumbag ingrates!!

              • Hopium4years….if we had ANY idea what they were going to pull as soon as they got well…OMG…I would have left his dying ass so fast his head would have spun. Sleeping on cots and chairs in hospitals for two years because he would cry and cling to my ankles if I tried to leave. Pfftt Talk about a waste of my life.

              • Same here! I was nursing his dying ass and paying to extend his life…so I was essentially PAYING for him to stay alive and cheat, lie and steal from me.

                I, too, have those dark thoughts of wishing he had died. Instead, I was praying for him to live at the time! SMH! I feel for you both so much. I lived that craptacular life and he was the one that got the jackpot (me) while I got financial and emotional ruin.

            • Mine had stage 4 lymphoma. Saved him many times. Was always there by his side.

              The first time I found all his dating sites was in the hospital as I went to look up ‘alternative therapy’ as he rolled away for surgery.

              One time during reconciliation counciling he said since he was little he made himself sick, engaged in unhealthy behavior to escape consequences. Rare moment to f honesty.

              What a horror story. How codependency ruins our lives!!

              • Mine had stage 4 lymphoma, too. Turns out he was about 4 years into his secret life…I had no idea. Asshat told me he had ONE affair the day we got the “you’re in remission” news. Within 3 months I found he had been very busy on adult friend finder, tinder, ashely madison, happy ending and escort sites while he laid in bed post chemo. I took care of him and everything during his cancer. Disgusting. Thankful I escaped his mess.

        • I drove my ex to her final rehab stint right after I filed for divorce about two years ago. My son called me that morning to get them to school because she was unable to focus her eyes much less move.

          When I came over, I found her in the master bed with a black eye, and covered in urine and vomit clutching an almost full handle of cheap vodka.

          For a moment I thought, “If I close this door, she will die.”

          Instead, I took the kids to school and then found the best rehab I could find in the region. As I drove her to rehab, she pissed all over my passenger seat and basically masturbated the whole two-hour drive there while calling me a fag, cuck, etc.

          • How did you not just push her out of the car?

            Wait, never mind… you’re a decent person and she’s your children’s mother. So sorry you had to join us. Being a good person shouldn’t be repaid with abuse.

          • She has a lot of company on this site for “disgusting less than human” cheater, but your ex is almost certainly one of the most disgusting female cheaters so far. God bless you for caring for her far more than she deserved. It shows what a good person you are.

      • He probably wasn’t serious if you were able to talk him down from it. Some people are just really manipulative. My ex threatened to kill himself when I gave him an ultimatum and again when I suggested that I didn’t plan on being friends with him after we divorced. He also shot himself in front of me with a pellet gun. I know it’s never a good idea to assume someone threatening suicide isn’t serious but…in the case of narcissists, they were usually bluffing.

    • My ex-husband, a few months after leaving me, told me, told me that he had considered killing himself but then ‘looked in the mirror and said, ‘Hiw could I kill this beautiful face?’ One for the definition of ‘narcissist’ in a picture dictionary.

      Kate,
      You have my sympathy; empathy, and much respect! Very sorry about the loss of the money. I know how this is. My ex-husband told me that he used our money (what was supposed to go intonations the kids’ college fund) for sex with prostitutes. Now he says that our kids shouldn’t receive this type of help as he, my ex-husband, who now can easily earn 1/4 million per year, didn’t receive financial help. Guess that sex with prostitutes is more important (to him). And he tells the Court that I am a bad mother.

    • I can somewhat relate to this comment. I never wanted my XH to kill himself. And he would never even think of such a thing, because he’s so “perfect and special” and God’s gift to EVERYONE.

      But I was the one who was suicidal and on multiple medications in order to survive the day before me. And I said to my EX pastor, “I’m so depressed. I just want to die.” And what did the pastor say back to me? “I’m so worried about Cheater. I think me might do something to hurt himself.” I said back to the pastor, “Cheater thinks very highly of himself and he’s NOT depressed. He would NEVER commit suicide.”

      So here the pastor has a truly suicidal person in front of him, but he was more concerned with the Cheaters life. And he coddled the Cheater. Loved on him. Didn’t judge him at all. Took him out for coffee to try to “understand” him.

      I think of the story of the Good Samaritan. Besides my family who was 100% helpful and supportive. All the Good Samaritans in my life were the people outside of the church. I was emotionally and psychologically beaten down and left for dead by the Cheater. And the church people walked on by and ignored my cries for help. I will never ever forget how I was treated by these people who are supposed to be the hands and feet of Jesus.

        • I agree! The pastor was the first person I went to after D-day. I thought he’d help me and would rightfully point out my XH’s sin to him. He did no such thing! He emotionally and psychologically abuse me even more. And the XH and his whore now go to his church, so that says it all!

        • I haven’t stepped into that church in over four years and even told the pastor off a few years after D-day. And I don’t regret it one bit.

      • Martha, I am so sorry you suffered that spiritual abuse. My priest saved my life. I’m sorry yours had far too much sympathy for the devil. Like our whole culture, some church people have bought the lie that these people do these horrible things because deep down they must hate themselves or feel insecure etc… Nope. they do these things because they are evil. They are still churches and pastors/priests who know this and will stand up to, rather than coddle such evil. Please know that God and all his real servants see your goodness and your need and revile him for how he has treated you. Search out real love and support in another church. Or if you can’t(And, I can see how that would sour you toward trusting another church)–know that you were spiritually abused and develop your personal relationship with God.

        • Thanks, jojobee. 🙂 I 100% agree with you that they do the things they do, because they are evil. After D-day and all the stuff my XH did to convince me that we were “working on our marriage” and how he played me and messed with my heart; I said to him, “What you did to me was evil.” I had never said that to anyone my entire life and haven’t said it once to anyone since. Those words came easily out of my mouth and they were the TRUTH. And then to be spiritually abused by the pastor and some people at the church; it was all too much and I had to walk away from church for a long time. But I’m slowly getting back on the road to church and my faith, hope and love is returning too. I’m so happy for you that your priest saved your life!! Thank you again for your encouragement! 🙂

          • Martha,

            I remember exactly where we were when I felt that I too was looking evil in the eye and the eyes were my beloved husband’s eyes. Totally shocked me because I had never had those kinds of thoughts ever in my life. Learned that evil doesn’t look evil at all just like drunks don’t look like what I imagined a drunk looked like either – skid row holds only a few drunks compared to the ones who were suits and ties and appear to be respectable people. Really shocking.

            I am glad to read that you are slowly getting back on the road with your faith. Mine was clobbered too – part of the debris which I didn’t expect and it has been very trying since my entire adult life has been shaped by my spiritual beliefs. Lots of hard and angry talks with my higher power but gradually I am coming around too although it will never be like it was before.

            • Elderly Chump,

              That’s good your’e coming around too and I totally understand where you are coming from when you say “it will never be like it was before”. For me, that’s a good thing. I have talked with God every single day in the last five years. Some days my talking was just crying. And many days was anger towards God. But not one day has gone by that I haven’t talked with Him many times a day. So this is a change in a positive direction as I don’t recall my life being like this before D-day. I honestly didn’t think my faith would survive all this, but it did. (((Hugs))) to you, Elderly Chump. 🙂

    • oldcrone,

      Sadly I am certain that if people don’t extent kindness and understanding while you are going through it. they certainly are not going to if/when he dies. Or maybe it will be surface level only. I recommend evaluating fake friendships/family and cutting loose the ones who don’t have your back when you need them.

      It kind of sounds like all the people who came out to Kate after husband shot himself were just flying monkeys and never have or will actually have Kate’s back.

    • Like so many others I have imagined how much easier / better my life would be if my ex just died. I try my best not to wish ill on him, but if he croaked I would not grieve. Some people just use you up. At least that’s how I see it. He used up, burned out, completely depleted any sympathy, empathy, any positive feelings or intentions I might ever have for him. The very best I have to offer toward him is indifference, so that’s what I strive for.

    • They do it because it’s expected that they do so when there’s a death. It’s a meaningless gesture that makes *them* feel better. It’s not about true concern for you. If they had that they’d have been there for you after you almost died because of that creep. You find out who your real friends and genuinely caring relatives are when you’re a chump. I consider that a gift. You could have wasted more years on these fakes, thinking they cared. They don’t, and baking a casserole doesn’t prove that they do. Hold those who do care close and tell the rest to piss off out of your life. They are a waste of your precious time and energy.
      I totally get why you wish he was dead.

      • My X is a police officer. In our town about 5 years ago when I was going through the worst of it, a police officer was basically ambushed and shot and killed. The outpouring of sympathy and money and fund raisers for wife and two kids was heartwarming. She will be taken care of and everyone said he was a great guy. I wished that it was my X who got shot. Then everyone would feel sorry for me and I would have plenty of money to take care of the kids and myself. His whole pension would come to me. Now if he dies I will lose the half I get now. He is living the “good” life with his whore, married and both working full-time and collecting a pension and doing everything I though I would be doing with him in my later years. How is that for messed up.

    • I can tell you why; because to acknowledge your “chumpness” would be to acknowledge the same could happen to them. Ignorance is bliss for most people. Women especially are loathe to even imagine such a thing could happen to themselves. So they ignore the chumps who speak their truth. Or worse, they try to shut us down.

    • My first abusive ex died in June from cancer. We’d been estranged for almost 10 years. I raised his two children as a sole parent after he’d physically assaulted me (he wasn’t a cheater but still an abuser), became a junkie and was removed from our lives. His family contacted me to let me know he was dying. I saw him twice on his death bed and he attempted to make amends for his failure as a person. He really did try in those two opportunities, it was more heart breaking than his abuse. The fact that it took the thought of meeting his maker to come to his senses was so bitter sweet.

      The kids and I have grieved. There were times when he was alive that I’d wished him dead. I thought I’d be free completely, that I’d feel safe and secure, that I’d be comforted in him getting the karma he deserved. Instead the wounds broke open and I realised my pain was deeper. That my desire for his death was a form of wanting to undo the pain & heal, denial. His death, coming on the back of my 2nd (cheater) husbands discard, has shown me that denial and burying the hurt doesn’t resolve the issue. I cannot undo what has been done.

      I recommend NOT waiting for them to die before grieving. Recognise that wanting them dead is a clue. It’s a clue that really, we have deeper wounds and more greif to pass through. Connect with it. Allow yourself to feel that loss. Give yourself permission to express. Be the widower, for the person we once loved is dead. Wear black, have a funeral, cry & well, buy flowers, mourn, have a wake, go through old photos, write a eulogy, say a prayer. Put the relationship into the grave. Say goodbye, forever.

      Big hugs!

  • I met and retained a lawyer yesterday and we are servicing divorce papers today. Going before a judge this morning for an emergency order of protection. My instructions to her were to protect me to the fullest extent of the law. She told me that divorce is the most powerful remedy as I can negotiate alimony, stay in my home until I can get it sold, as directed by the terms of divorce.

    After an emergency order to keep him away (after he is released out of psych ward), we will then request a temporary protection order. When and IF he is released is a major concern to me. I will likely make arrangements to stay somewhere else and not rely on the police to stand guard outside of my house.

    Kate

    • Thank God.

      No, do not rely on anyone but yourself.

      Make the arrangements now for when he does get out. Oh yeah, he will most likely get out. They always seem to convince the right people they are quite sane.

      I will pray for you.

      • Kate…congratulations! You are very mighty and it sounds like you have this awful situation in hand.
        Crazy just gets worse as these assholes age. X cornered me in the closet with a knife one time. Cops made him leave that night. Sorry to say I let the jerk return; didn’t know he was cheating. He was drunk out of his mind. This was 5 yrs ago.
        I found out from someone else that he held a gun to OW’s head. She had him arrested and got an order of protection.
        He’s now with another woman and I’m sure the violence will escalate.

    • Kate – Sending you all of the strength and love that I can muster today…your story is beyond horrific, but you are so mighty. The entire Chump Nation is behind you! And – yes, please please please find a safe place to go for when he’s inevitably released. One day at a time, one decision at a time – YOU GOT THIS.

    • Kate, bless you. You’re doing everything right. You are might!

      For now, please be kind to yourself and be patient. Don’t beat yourself up for any feelings that bubble up about the whole thing, and about your history with this, er, “gentleman.” Everybody on this site has waves of feeling soooo stupid for having not seen the cheater for what they were from the get-go, but the fact is that some of these folks are masters at subterfuge, and a lot of us chumps are the kind of people who naturally want to believe the best about others.

      When the dust has cleared a bit and you look back on this time period, as messy as it is, you will be so glad you had your wits about you enough to get a lawyer and get proceedings going.

      You got this! 💪 And we’re with you.

    • Kate, thanks so much for sharing your story. You are inspiringly mighty! I hope your college instructors are understanding about your situation and giving you the time you need to complete your work. I teach at a local university and have heard many sad but true stories from students over the years, though yours would be right up there with the most affecting. I try to help when I can and always appreciate it when my students let me know what they need in order to make up work in my courses. A few years ago, I got a flurry of messages the morning of a scheduled final exam, to report that a student’s ex-boyfriend had committed suicide overnight in her dorm room, staged to be discovered by her. Even though I assured her we could do whatever she was most comfortable with, she chose to come and sit the exam, saying she had prepared for that day, and didn’t want him to mess it up for her. Like you, she amazed me with her strength to get up and face the day after something like that. Thars a special kind of fuckeupedness that tries to derail someone’s education, and you have my deepest sympathy.

      • A thought, if you are attending classes in person it may pay to suspend this for a while for your own personal safety. If you go NC he may look for you there as the now only known place that you frequent. This is your most dangerous time now, when you leave a disordered partner especially one who has already shown a flair for the dranatoc statement. My thoughts and best wishes to you.

        • Be sure to advise campus police of what is happening, and provide them and the local law enforcement that the college is situated in (and possibly your instructors) a copy of the TRO.

          And I would simply update all his profiles to say: “Sorry, girls, after shooting himself in the chest, he doesn’t look like this anymore. Might want to move on – otherwise, you will be stuck being his nursemaid while he creates another profile and sets up more dates. Hugs, his soon-to-be-ex-wife.”

          You are INCREDIBLE and an INSPIRATION – wishing you peace and much happiness in the future.

          • Yes, very good advice from Stig and AnonyMeh. If you do continue attending classes, Kate, you should definitely let the campus police know about your STBX’s recent actions, though I also certainly would understand (as, I hope, would any institution of higher learning) if you choose to take a hiatus from active study for a little while. All best to you!

    • Please find a friend he doesn’t know where they live to stay with. Mine threatened me multiple times, even threatened friends and family who helped me and police told me they couldn’t stop him unless he was physically on top of me murdering me (exact words out of an officers mouth). My ex also said Protection Orders don’t stop violent people from doing violent things. He violated the protection order and the police didn’t do anything. We have kids and he still gets unsupervised visitation because he didn’t threaten the kids. It has been 2 1/2 years of stalking, threats, harassment and character assassination on every social media site.(I quit looking and deleted any and all accounts;thanks to chump lady.) I have no faith in the police or legal system as it stands. Get a Tazer, put cameras on your house if staying in it, ask the college and your job if they have cameras and where; so you can try to stay in sight lines of them. Stay safe!

    • Kate, change the locks. Get cameras installed. Change your will. Consider hiding out for a while if he survives to leave the hospital. Can you stay with friends/family, in a motel? Go where this dangerous man can not find you.

      I am so glad he didn’t shoot you. I’m so glad you are erasing this insanity from your life. Be safe, dear Kate.

    • Do that Kate, stay else where and have zero contact with him. Listen to finding peace. And an order of protection does not make you bulletproof. Do whatever is necessary to keep yourself safe.

      I am so very sorry you went through this.

    • Kate,
      Keep one joint account open with a minimum balance. I was told to close all joint accounts by my lawyer. But, a banker friend said to keep one open. If you would in the future get a check payable to both you and H, you can deposit that check in the joint account without H’s signature. For Deposit Only is the only endorsement needed. When funds become available, withdraw the money. I did this more than once. My stbx probably doesn’t realize this particular account was ever opened. I’ll probably leave that joint account open and almost empty for several years. After H left 13 months ago, we are still divorcing. Prayers, hugs, PLEASE ABSOLUTE NO CONTACT. PLEASE DO NOT SHARE ANY INFO, especially about your lawyer. So sorry for your exceptional crisis! Peace.

    • Kate, I am so glad you are taking this seriously. It might be a good idea to stay somewhere else for awhile until you know he’s not going to be threatening. This is a scary situation so please take care.

      • Kate, move out of the house. Find a few places that you can rotate. Don’t be based at one place. Dont rely on the order. We know how many people die while under ‘protection’ of an order.
        Let your work place know what is going on.
        Don’t be alone.

    • Boy, are you MIGHTY, Kate! It’s great to hear you’re taking care of you and acting decisively in the midst of this shit storm.

      You have my awe, and my support.

    • You are an impressively smart and incredibly strong person. I suspect most people would have been too flattened by such extreme trauma to act so quickly. Go, Kate!

      Oh, and those people who came forward with what they knew only after he had done this? They’re assholes. If they knew he was this crazy, they knew he could have shot *you* and didn’t even warn you.

      You are right to not assume you are safe. The cops do not have the interest or the resources to guard your house. The most you might get is a drive-by several times a day. That’s useless. Stay somewhere else, make sure he cannot benefit from your death financially (insurance, will) and take all the money and any other assets that are left before he’s out. Put the money, any direct deposits, etc., into a new account he knows nothing about. Cancel any joint credit cards. Sell that house ASAP. Change the locks so the fuckwit can’t return there to destroy it. Also take his name off the house insurance so he can’t try to benefit from burning it down. Put nothing past this sicko. You might need to get word to him through somebody else that there is no way to benefit from anything he might do to you or your property and that you are being protected. No need to elaborate beyond that. Let him picture in his deranged mind that you have bloodthirsty goons for bodyguards.

      That guy is a walking adverstisement for gun control! May good fortune bless you, and keep coming back. We care.

    • In most states there’s a waiting period before divorce can be finalized, but to my knowledge, if there are extenuating circumstances you can be granted immediate divorce. This probably counts as extenuating circumstances.

      I’m not sure all the details of how that works, as I am not a lawyer (I’m sure yours will be able to tell you) but if that is a route that would work for you, I’d take it. Immediate divorce and emergency protection.

      Hoping you get a quick sale on your house, but I wouldn’t stay in it while you wait. It is lucky he did not turn that weapon on you, but I wouldn’t put it past him to try. The absolutely most dangerous time for an abuse victim is the period right after you leave. It is when narcissistic and angry abusers become their most violent. It is clear this man is unhinged and went so far to fuck up your life as to shoot himself, and I can say right now he shot himself non-fatally for a reason. He didn’t actually want to kill himself. If he truly, truly wanted to end his own life, he would have shot himself in a place where it would have guaranteed that result (I.E. the side of the head.) He knew if he shot himself in the chest, there would be a significant chance he’d survive. And he knew where to aim it so not only would he live, but he would have the ability to drag his bleeding body all over your house. That was CALCULATED. That was NOT a suicide attempt. That was meant to scare the shit out of you and everyone who knows you.

      Smart that you are getting the emergency protection order, but if you go stay somewhere else while you sell the house, make sure it is somewhere he will not be able to find or at least will be difficult for him to figure out. Obviously police can’t go standing guard outside, but if I were you, I would notify the nearest precinct when he is released from the psych ward of what he did and that you have a protection order, in case he comes looking for you, then you can say you notified law enforcement and they will have it on record that you said something. The might not immediately be able to do anything, but it’s better to raise the red flag beforehand in case he tries.

    • Kate,

      I don’t even know you but I feel so relieved knowing you have already done what you have done to protect yourself knowing what you have already gone through.

      I second everyone who has responded above about relying on yourself vs the police to be there 24/7 for you. A restraining order is only a piece of paper and means nothing to these monsters. Finding a safe place to live is crucial as those with experience have suggested.

      I didn’t have to go this far so I shall shut up but not without stating how lucky you were to have been told about CL. The wealth of information you have here from others who have experienced similar situations is invaluable. (I didn’t find CL until I was a year or more into pick-me-dancing and believing the lies – his going to SA and a therapist etc….)

      Also, and you probably don’t need to be told this, do some archive reading ‘in your spare time’ (I assume you aren’t sleeping well at this point so may want something to do in the wee hours of the morning 🙂

      I found back reading through the different topics extremely helpful to get me up to par with all of his games and it helped me to let go of any of my feelings about being a stupid idiot. I found I was/am in good company.

      Hugs and prayers to you!

    • Hey Kate, woke up thinking of you. Sending you love & light, and big internet hugs. These wee , small hours early in the morning are the loneliest. Chump Nation is always awake. You are not alone.

  • Whoa, please go no contact, lawyer up, restraining order, etc. So happy gun was not turned on you.

    I had many a girfriend tell me after that my ex made advances or inappropriate comments to them. ChumpLady is right about the brave soul during the marriage who speaks up.

    • Kate,

      Bravo!! Great advice from the single visit with ONE counselor you got (whole other rant I could go on, but never mind).

      OKAY Since there is a gun in the house, make sure YOU know how to use it, possess it and keep it away from him.

      I’m a lawyer (but a nice chump, too!) and several of my clients who killed their girlfriends or wives, said (and maybe meant it??) that they had intended to kill themselves in front of their spouses

      but oops, then changed their minds and shot the woman instead. (After all, SHE hurt THEM!!)

      Point is, someone who really wants to kill themselves and has a weapon near another person, has a significant chance of turning the weapon on someone other than them self.

      You are literally lucky to be alive.

      RUN and HEAL!

      • This is very typical of a suicidal person: they are murderously angry and then the self preservation kicks in. This is why if someone says they are suicidal you send the authorities because they can handle it better

        • Well… there are so may cases of police brutality against people who truly only wish to self harm and who have never hurt another person, not even a fly…

          After so many cases plus the recent one in Texas a few days ago where the police shot and killed a woman in her own home for no reason after a wellness check call, don’t call the police ever for anything ever ever EVER unless someone is actively threatening you with a gun. The police will just shoot and kill innocent bystanders or escalate the situation to violence. Happens all the time. Police are not trained in social services and helping people. They are only trained in use of deadly force.

          • I have to disagree. Yes, brutality happens. Yes mistakes happen. Yes people are killed who shouldn’t be. BUT, someone does not need a gun on you to justify getting help. I used to work in domestic violence and women are killed with knives, household objects, and mens’ bare hands ALL THE TIME. Especially if someone is a cheater, they likely have narcissistic tendencies and a lack of empathy. If they get angry at their wives there is a FAR greater chance that they will kill their wife, girlfriend AND their own children than that the police will brutalize or inadvertently kill them. Women must prioritize their safety and the safety of their children ALWAYS.

            • My first job as an attorney was assisting victims of domestic violence. The statistic at the time in Hawaii (1995) was that every 20 days, a woman was killed by domestic violence and that 70% of those murders were when a woman left the relationship. Remember, Nicole Simpson had been divorced for years when she WAS murdered by “he I won’t even name”.

              So the idea of “just leave”, is dangerous if not backed up by support and security.

              • Yes Not blue! Women often need to plan carefully and expect the worst escalating to ultimate violence. They need to enlist authorities and they need to not waste one minute worrying if the abuser might suffer some consequence. They often have to plan escapes. If they are threatened in anyway they need to take it extremely seriously. A crazy violent person does not need a gun to kill you. Women statistically have 80% less upper body strength than men. It is folly to assume you are not in danger just because they aren’t pointing a weapon on you at that particular moment.

                And as you point out, DV perpetrators often escalate MONTHS or Years later. Look at the story of poor Tessie on this board who lost her child.

        • It is not at all true that such behaviour is “typical” of suicidal people. Most suicidal people would never harm others. Most are suffering from clinical depression, bipolar depression or PTSD. Depression does not cause violence. Bipolar *mania* can and PTSD can as well, but in most sufferers they don’t.

          It appears that the guy in this story wasn’t even genuinely
          suicidal. He injured himself severely, but he made sure the injuries were flesh wounds and not fatal, just to hurt and threaten his wife. It’s a way if saying; “Look what I’m capable of. You could be next.” There’s no way you shoot yourself in all those places genuinely intending to die, and survive in good enough condition to cavort around the house, deliberately getting your blood all over the linens. He made sure it was bloody and scary, but surviveable. He’s evil, not suicidal.

          • I have to agree with chumpupthevolume. Narcissistic sociopaths are Never depressed or suicidal. They are lying and this confuses us. The don’t hate themselves, feel empty or have low self-esteem. They’re EVIL manipulators with no self, who HATE you and want YOUR death. It’s actually often fairly easy to tell who’s really struggling vs liars based on overall behavior pattern.

            When I found myself with a narc-borderline new husband I began to study and observe. It’s a nasty kibbles game. they claim suicidal for self pity; if you call bluff, it turns into rage and they ramp up the abuse and start to threaten you. They are deeply addicted to your soul death and eventually your physical death. Even the rare times they harm themselves like in this letter, they plan it to cause the max destruction to you while collecting massive public sympathy attention kibbles for themselves. Murder-suicide is at times part of this shtick. But just murder of you and your loved ones is much preferred, the ultimate kibble.

            I began studying all news items of people killed by intimate partner including exes (90% of the killers are men & 80% of victims are women statistically).

            in my survey 2/3 to 80% of the killers previously threatened suicide. Most have known psych and behavior problems. A lot of the victims told family or police they felt sure they’d be killed.

            • Ka-Chump

              Thanks for posting your findings. Staggering. Yes, a story told over and over and over again.

              A distraught woman showed up at my weekend Al-Anon meeting with a chilling story of drunken verbal abuse and threats of physical abuse by her spouse. Those in the room who have escaped stayed and talked to her following the meeting but it was clear that she was still in denial – yes, denial is really stubborn.

              She remained convinced that he ‘really wouldn’t hurt her’ and his promise to get help was sincere. Totally taken in my his self-pity. Man has already gone through treatment but the newcomer’s Al-aAnon anthem seems to be ‘this time things will be different’

              Yes, I told her about the cheaters charm, rage, self-pity cycle but I am afraid my words fell on deaf ears.

    • Yup, I too had mutual friend’s tell me the truth about my ex after the fact. They explained it saying, “We thought he’d change with you”. Why would someone who is personality disordered and totally fucked up change because of the person they’re with. Spoiler alert, they WON’T! The mutual friends knew of my ex’s hooker habit, his cocaine problem and the fact that he was cheating on his then-wife with his friend’s wife…all things I did NOT know. Sure wish they had clued me in. Then again, I may not have believed them since my ex was good at hiding his nefarious life.

      • The ex’s family told me later that they knew he was deranged but they thought he was totally devoted to me. (We never know how others see us and our situation).

  • Kate, You’re a better person than me. I wouldn’t have called 911 until I was sure he was gone.

    I’m so glad you’ve filed! Protect yourself and listen to your lawyer.

      • Haha!

        But I were being completely honest, I would have included “I would have put the gun back in his hand (gloves on of course) to help him finish what he started.” Kidding? Idk. Dang It would be tempting. – just figures the loser would fail at that too

    • INDY CHUMP said

      Kate, You’re a better person than me. I wouldn’t have called 911 until I was sure he was gone.

      —good one!

      • Oh I thought the same thing. Kate is a far better woman than am I.

        This whole post has me sobbing. My STBX used to pull out a gun to clean while we argued. He has accused me of stealing one of his guns. He has four gun safes full of guns and ammo. I am terrified he will kill me to keep from paying spousal maintenance.

        My lawyer very carefully told me about the statistics for gun violence in divorce. It is horrific. The lawyer asked me to not even drive by our house.

        Kate didn’t deserve this horrific violence in her home. I wish I could better offer her support and love.

        • 33yrs,

          Hugs to you 33 years. I am still stunned by my situation and reading here today especially – your comment and Kate’s.

          How is it that our simply falling in love with someone has turned into such a nightmare?

          There is just no way that I could have known all those years ago.

          Ambiguous grief indeed.

          Thanks for sharing.

          • Elderly Chump, thank you for offering me virtual hugs. I need that support.

            I had the experience you described of seeing evil in your husband’s eyes. That cold, flat black eyed gaze is chilling. I had the thought that my STBX seemed possessed. What was in front of me wasn’t really my husband, it seemed that some stranger was in his body. That stranger hates me.

            Sometimes I think he hates me because I loved him. Now all that doesn’t matter anymore. What matters is that I am out, safe and making a better life for myself.

            I appreciate your posts. It help me to know other older chumps are out there rebuilding a better life.

            • 33 years,

              I think of it as ‘invasion of the body snatcher.’ Looks like the x but the person inhabiting that body now is a complete stranger. Chilling.

              I enjoy your posts too. It is nice to know there are really a lot of us older chumps here and they are, or have, created new lives for themselves – like Phoenixes, we can and do rise from the ashes in spite of them:)

              • Diary
                October 14, 2019

                Today I filed for divorce and an emergency protective order from STBX. There is no strong feeling particularly, no sadness or hesitation. He told me recently that if he were to kill himself, I would look upon the removal of his body as if it was the trash being taken out. Those words, I think, are the truest thing he has ever said to me. Life now feels like an aftermath, something to recover from. My experience with him is not anything to mourn; it was an accident on my part, a mis-judgement, another in a series.

                What I am learning, late, is that I am quite good. Exceptionally good and kind; I have all of the spiritual and Christian values that much of humanity strives to achieve. What I have not had is a protective cloak, a proper discernment of evil, and a recognition of narcissistic guile before it has its hand on my heart. Though extreme narcissism is incurable, I do not suffer from such a fate. I am curable, adaptable, capable of wisdom and peace; it matters not if my wisdom and peace is attained late in life. In that way, I am not much different than anyone else. I do not possess any unique powers of failure or suffer from a despair that has not been replicated millions of times by others. I do not deserve a punishment for accepting a lie that I reasonably believed to be true. A good person does not see the world as a pattern of deceit; we do not perceive it that way. We are unaware, unsuspecting, guileless in our goodness; we must unfortunately, like a child, learn to avoid and recognize the harmful creatures that lurk in the world. We must do this so more of us will survive to pass on the good features of our humans.

              • Kate,

                ‘As long as you live, keep learning how to live.’ ~ Seneca

                You had no ‘reply’ box beneath your entry to me so I had to go to ‘my box.’

                The quote above is one I love and thanks for sharing your writing. How true and nice that you have learned so quickly not to beat yourself up over what has happened to you. It took me awhile to reach that point.

          • Chump Lady, is this considered stockpiling weapons? Four gun safes!! He has shown violence.

            Kate, do the cops know about all the guns?

            • Elderly Chump, I get stuck in the loop of trying to understand how I chose so badly. I am working towards being a healthier person through therapy and gym time. I hope your life is better too!

              • 33years,

                Several things are helping me with the ‘loop’ of self-blame. First and foremost CL and CN because I read daily of others in my situation and I don’t feel alone and I am learning that I was ‘targeted’. I was an innocent full of love to give someone.

                I was not someone who had a lot of experience dating, in fact, he was only the 2nd serious relationship I was ever in. The first had been years before and a move ended that relationship abruptly and it was only into the first several months.

                As others write here – the x was a charmer; knew all the moves and I was smitten within a very short period time. I was also cautious and laid down stipulations in regards to marriage etc and he ‘passed’ all the ‘tests’.

                I prayed a lot about it all and felt that he was indeed ‘the one’. It is only in looking back that I see the red flags but at the time our relationship was much like the relationships my friends were in too. In fact, I felt like that for the duration of our marriage – issues raising kids, his long work hours….all like my friends until – Dday and subtle things suddenly became not so subtle.

                I could not see because I was being deceived. I know now that this happens to the best of us – really – and that it isn’t our fault – Shame on THEM.

                Learning about narcissistic personalities has helped a lot too.

                I attend local Al-Anon meetings on a weekly basis and that has made a huge difference in my self-care and not beating myself up. Many of the people there deal with the same stuff and are at varying places in their ‘recovery’. I t is very healing to see how people are changing and to be able to sit safely in those rooms and actually laugh amongst ourselves. Something wonderful happens to me in those rooms and the literature fits with what I learn here about NC and grey rock and that I didn’t cause it, can’t cure it and can’t control it.

                In Al-Anon the focus is on ourselves too which is what Tracy expresses here all the time – forget about them – get on with your life.

                Al-Anon helps me with my faith too since that was pretty much shattered with what the x did. A gentle acceptance vs demands as to how I should believe and behave – all very loving.

                One woman in my group has had to live ‘in hiding’ too due to threats on her life by her spouse. She has had to live that way for years and the nagging fear never leaves her as it shouldn’t because these cretins are dangerous as long as they live. She has 2 children who have had to be dragged though the morass and has had to deal with suicidal ideation in one of her kids…what a mess that monster has left in his wake. And, I should mention, she is a very intelligent person and she has learned that it wan’t her fault and is out of the loop. Very inspiring.

                Yeah to you for being so thorough in your ‘get away’. The rest is time, time and more time.

                Hugs to you on this rocky road to a new life 🙂

                P.S. My ‘exercise’ today is to have a ceremony at a near by cemetery in order to lay to rest the man I once knew and the life we shared together. I am also going to shred all of our wedding photos. I am thinking of hawking my wedding ring but if it won’t get much cash, maybe just burying it too. I read about doing this here on CL/CN and I have a friend who did it too and said it was helpful part of her process in letting go.

            • Let Go, nobody seems alarmed by his weapons. He is a military vet and I suppose views himself as a gun collector. He is a Range Master at his gun club. He is a military vet and passes all background checks. Has a very high security clearance. On paper he is a stellar citizen. In private he is an abusive asshole.

          • Thank You Chump Lady. I am four hours away from him. I am very careful of my personal safety. I never let down my guard. It is exhausting.

            I told my lawyer. Sent him a detailed accounting of his accusations. Nobody seems too alarmed by his multiple weapons. He is a military vet, range master at his gun club, and a excellent marksmen.

            He didn’t claim any of these guns in his financial affidavit in the section for valuable collections. I have photos of all the gun safes and contents because he left the keys in the locks one day.

            As far as having a support team, I have you and chump nation. I also have a good lawyer. I have an earth bound angel of a therapist. I am managing.

            Thank You Chump Lady. You saved my life. I am away and safe as personal vigilance can allow.

  • Kate, listen to Chumplady. Close all your joint accounts. Cancel all credit cards in your name. Put a freeze on your credit. Lawyer up. Make sure you will not be responsible for his medical bills. Go no contact. It is not your job to be by his side. Please get screened for STIs.

    You are mighty. I am glad you filed for divorce. Now it is your time to protect yourself.

  • All of us here are sending our thoughts and prayers. Better days ahead. Stay strong Kate! You will get through this!

  • Divorce, see a bankruptcy attorney now. You need to set these things in motion (bankruptcy) long before you file one.

  • 😳😳😳😳. There are so many levels of Oh My GOD in this post! First of all, Kate listen to CL….fuck everyone else and save yourself. Fire sale this bitch of a life and everything in it including your Switzerland friends. If they were Swiss before and during this apocalypse then they will most likely always be Swiss and don’t deserve your time, effort or energy. Any friend….I repeat….ANY friend that tried to tell you about this asshat needs a pat on the back and stick to them like glue. Those are true friends who truly care about you. As far as the dating sites…. Most of those yahoo’s are just as sex crazed as he is so just leave them alone….you need to focus on you and fuck the others. We all know you want validation but now is the time to burn this shit down and run like hell! Seek validation later in a much healthier way. Last but not least….just like CL said, thank God he didn’t turn that gun on you or your family.

  • Oh. My. Goodness!

    First, you are freaking mighty that you can ACT instead of curl up in a ball. The horror of that psychopath that masquerades as a human is beyond imagining. That he staged such a violent display speaks volumes.

    Second, save yourself. Chump Lady has given great advice with respect to lawyering up (and good for you for getting one so speedily!), getting a support team, and getting yourself the hell out of there. You do NOT want him returning with a gun in his possession!

    I will second (or third) the recommendation of contacting your local domestic violence resource. My local organization has a shelter which provides much needed safety and stability from women and families seeking refuge from their abusers. Yours will try to hoover you back, and as you know, the channels switch from charm to self-pity to rage–and you have definitely seen the violence of that rage!

    I will also suggest that you contact your Dean of Students and your instructors. I don’t know if you’re attending a traditional classroom institution or taking classes online, but you will be devoting a lot of mental effort to keeping yourself safe. Even if you cherish the sense of normalcy that taking classes can bring, it’s a good idea to let both instructors and the institution know that you’re dealing with really heavy shit that could affect your ability to complete work in a timely fashion. Everyone wants you to succeed, and they’ll work with you as far as the institutional policies allow them to do so.

    Good luck and please keep us posted!!

  • Is this story verifiable? I’m sorry, but she implies she wrote this better to you the morning after the shooting occurred.. I was already skeptical, but that statement cinched it for me. If it’s actually true, then yes, it is horrific. But if it happened to me, the last thing I imagine I’d be able to do is write a long letter to a columnist mere hours after discovering my soon to be ax with a self inflicted gunshot wound and blood all over my house.
    I’d be thinking about the police, ambulance, hospitals, do they think I did it?, psych wards, notifying family, crime scene clean up, plus she had a very important test at school??? And she writes a letter instead, the very morning after. A few hours after suffering this trauma? I’m sorry. I just don’t believe it. I do believe it can happen… just not this story.

    • I ask myself whether it’s productive to debate the veracity of this letter today rather than show solidarity for the chimps for whom this kind of horror is a reality and my conclusion is, no.

      • Never judge someone else’s steps until you’ve walked in their moccasins

        Yes, I can see reaching out to the Chumplady nation the morning after for support. They understand your journey; and are not judge mental.

        I second to talk with a bankruptcy attorney long before you file in order to know your options…like ability to keep your car (as opposed to having to buy it back from the court), house, savings, etc. some states like Texas and Florida allow for more assets to be kept.

    • Everyone responds to grief and trauma in different ways. I, for one, would find writing to chump lady very therapeutic for processing that horror show. Particularly if she doesn’t have a lot of supportive people available.

    • The shooting occurred Thursday evening. I wrote to Chumplady on Saturday. I write a daily diary and write often as a way to process my emotions. Through the weekend I was utterly alone so I penned the letter to Tracy.
      Your insensitivity is breathtaking.

      Perhaps I will post a pic or two of the bloody scene.

    • The shooting occurred Thursday evening. I wrote to Chumplady on Saturday. I write a daily diary and write often as a way to process my emotions. Through the weekend I was utterly alone so I penned the letter to Tracy.
      Your insensitivity is breathtaking.

      Perhaps I will post a pic or two of the bloody scene.

      (CL – I am REMOVING THE DETAILS)

      • We reach out on this forum for validation, often when we are in the midst of horrendous behavior by others. Confirming that the cheaters are the narcissistic psychopaths and nothing we did caused the outcomes of their disastrous decisions. No judgement, for you’re the only one who’s walked every step in your life journey. We also seek advice and CL is spot on, in the wonderful way she has to address such horrific situations.

        I wished I had reached out earlier than I did, as I needed to know that I had value and was not responsible for my EX’s behavior toward me. The divorce crushed me emotionally, physically and financially. You are in a position to go through the divorce with a strong legal advocate beside you. Trust in them and concentrate on you and self-care, including safety. Not sure when you are planning on serving him divorce paperwork, but protect yourself during that volatile time, perhaps if you’re able to stay with friends or family out of town would be a good option.

        But most importantly, be kind to yourself.

        My yoga instructor’s saying today:
        Kindness is a language the blind can see and the deaf can hear. BE KIND TO YOURSELF!

      • Kate, I’m removing any identifying information here.

        Lori, don’t troll my site.

        It’s an anonymous forum — I have to trust what people write to me. I tend towards believing victims.

        I also have more details behind the scenes — and yes, Kate is an actual person with a real trauma.

        Let me also point out to any grief rubberneckers out there (not everyone who reads here is a chump) — I don’t write for you. I don’t write for your entertainment. This is a SUPPORT forum.

        Half the time, I don’t even know if the people who wrote to me see their letters here. I write back, sometimes the email bounces, it usually goes through, sometimes they respond, sometimes they don’t, sometimes they do long after I ran their letter. Are they real?

        It doesn’t matter. That day SOMEONE out there needed to read that story and get support from other people who lived that nightmare.

        Unfortunately, domestic violence, abuse, personality disordered fuckwits are all too real. The suffering is real.

        And when someone is vulnerable and reaching out from their isolation for help, what they really need most of all is validation. That the situation is abusive and that they matter.

        So, let’s err on the side of BELIEF, okay?

    • Lori, we’re all here because we’ve been lied to, and most of us are probably hyper-vigilant about making sure that we’re not being played. Your skepticism is reasonable given what you’ve been through.

      At the same time, given how many people on this site have suffered through situations like Kate’s, it’s reasonable to believe the story is true. Let’s err on the side of kindness and not make her defend herself at this time.

      When things first went down with me, I read this site about 8 hours a day. If my social circle was smaller by just 2 people, this would have been the first place I would have turned to for support.

      • Thank you for defending me. I sent Tracy a copy of the police report. I shouldn’t let LORI’s comments get to me, but theydid put me in considerable distress. It is like the last straw effect.
        If your true story is so bad that it cannot be believed, then, it is a really BAD story. In this case, I got home around 9:20PM. The detectives and police processed my home like a crime scene. I was interviewed by the detective, outside, on the front porch. He tested my hands for gunpowder residue. When I found my husband, there was a lot of blood everywhere, but I didn’t see a bullet hole in his chest. He had a head wound and I thought he could have shot himself in the head. I checked my nightstand, the gun was missing. The bullet wound looks nothing like it does on TV. It looked like a line with crusted blood, so I didn’t realize that he was shot. The detective told me and I felt viceral grief.

        I am experiencing waves of heart palpitations. It seems to help when I write. Hence the letter to Tracy. It was all I could think to do, and it calmed me. The shooting happened on Thursday evening. On Saturday morning, I took my Philosophy exam; I was supposed to take in on Friday.
        Once I did that, I thought, wow, I conquered something primal and kept going. He is not going to derail me. He didn’t.

        • Doing something in spite of huge interference is an amazing thing. When I was a child, our mother woke us at 2 a.m. the night before final exams and told us to clean our rooms. We did. Then we went to school and did well on our exams. Why? We expected to be torpedoed, so we were overprepared. No one should have to be hypervigilant in their own home, but we needed to do that based on our own mother’s competitive nature. We went to her funeral just to confirm that she was dead.

        • Oh sweet lady! I imagine the authorities will point you toward all the options for support. Take them, and start to gather your real inner circle team who will be there when the dust settles. You’re probably running on pure instinct and hyper protection mode. Your adrenal system will be in overdrive. You will need folk who can support when the intensity wears off. Ones who will check in, 3 or 6 or 12 months or 18months later. Scrap the drama junkies who only mentioned he was crazy after the fact, so they could absorb their own sick macabre kibbles. They’re not your people!

          The nervous system will need super strong self care. Watch out for ways to heal from complex ptsd. I’m talking about once you’re safe. Get to a safe place first. But afterwards, you will need some things other than safety. You will need ways to heal, ways to avoid compounding your injuries.

          Many of us understand how one insensitive comment can trigger an overflow of emotion and send us back to a darker space. The insensitive individuals do not represent the bulk. More often than not, their remark isn’t malicious or intended to harm.

          CN has your back. Big gentle hugs! You’re MIGHTY!

    • Lori,

      This comment is completely inappropriate. What purpose does something like this serve other than to shame your fellow chumps into not reaching out for support?? As a victim of childhood rape who was victim blamed en-mass by family, friends, school administrations, AND the police, I find your comment appallingly heartless.

      Kate is only reaching out for emotional support here. There is no point to having her prove beyond reasonable doubt before a court of law that it happened before speaking about it here. Who are you possibly helping with that comment??

      Not to mention that the story rings true and similar to so many other chumps here. Please apologize.

        • Kate, any time! That was a messed up comment for Lori to make and had so many harmful implications on so many levels to you AND so many folks reading here!

          Besides, you shouldn’t have to give evidence such as a police report to simply reach out for emotional support from an online community!! That’s absurd.

          My heart goes out to you and you are so strong. You are doing everything right from what I can tell.

          • How often have we, as Chumps, had our story questioned for its validity? How often have we felt the need to justify in the face of an onlooker who doubted? How often have we thought OMG I sound like I’m making this up? How often have we looked in the face of a skeptic and held our tongues because of the expression they’ve had when we started talking? How often have we listed all the reasons and explained the details? How often have we minimised our pain to make another comfortable? How many of our stories are not considered valid by our friends or family because they CAN’T be verified? Is my experience less valid or relevant or hurtful because I do not have all the solid evidence? Have I questioned whether it happened myself enough times? Am I the crazy one?

            WE LIVED THROUGH TRAUMA AND WE WILL NOT BE SILENCED!

            The end. Xxx CN

        • Kate,

          Another defender here. I know how easy it is to let one person derail me with an off-hand comment.

          I hope you have read all of the others here who are 1000% (yes, 1000%) supportive of you.

          I so wish I had know about CL ‘at the beginning’. The fact that you followed instructions when told about the site AND reached out while IN CRISIS is phenomenal and speaks to your mightiness. I am so encouraged by your bravery and how you have been able to maintain a semblance of normalcy through all of this despite the shit that has been hurled at you.

          Hugs. Hugs. AND. More Hugs.

            • My dear Kate. I as well as everyone here is so glad you spoke out and told your story. You are brave and mighty and I am glad you took immediate action. You are getting good advice here regarding staying safe. Leave nothing to chance. I am glad you are following through and do not let anyone going forward try to tell you to take care of him or whatever. I am concerned he will pull the sad sauguage routine. Don’t fall for it. Continue on and let is know how you are. press on and be done with him.

              • He had his nurse call me yesterday, complaining that he couldn’t see the text very well; he was reading his Sex Anonymous books apparently….improving himself…..could I arrange to send his glasses. Pause. Hmmm. No, I think they were accidently stepped on by the paramedics.

    • That’s you. You are not the standard-bearer for all human behaviour.
      Anytime you make an argument about the veracity of a story based on what you, personally, would or would not do, that’s what you’re implying, whether you intend to or not.

      It reminds me if people who say rape victims are lying because; “If I was raped, I _____.” Fill in the blank with whatever they did which the person says he/she wouldn’t do, or didn’t do which he/she supposedly would have.

      • I was a victim of an extremely violent husband. So many (well-meaning) people told me I kudda, wudda, shudda (including my lovely sister), but you’re right, unless it has happened to YOU, don’t tell me what I should do because you haven’t walked in my shoes!

        • Damn right! It’s so easy to say; “Well, I woulda done such and such!”
          How can they possibly know what they would have done? That’s a crock. Worse, it’s narcissistic. It assumes whatever they would allegedly do is the standard for rational behaviour.
          A close relative of this type is the type who says; “Well that DID happen to me and I didn’t act like you did. So you must be lying.”
          This is totally fallacious reasoning and these people need to get over themselves.

      • I agree; I also think that “character witnesses” for defendants in a trial of any kind are a joke. They weren’t the victims of the murderer/rapist/thief. They can only testify as to the behavior of the defendant to them, not the victim.

    • Its very possible that she was writing all of this down to clear her head AND keep track of all the horrible things he did, so she could see it in black and white. I did the same thing when I simultaneously discovered my ex cheating on me miscarried our baby at 4 months. My world fell apart, and writing everything out helped me see everything very clearly. It also helped me stay strong and every time I thought about taking him back, I referred back to the 26 pages I wrote about the hell he put me through.

    • I always wonder with comments like the one Lori made if the person is just a troll, guilty of the same manipulation and abusive behavior as the one described in this writing, or if it is just an opinion/skepticism based on ignorance. No matter which it is, it is not helpful. It provides no good and only has the potential to cause harm by doubting those who have reached out anonymously for support.
      Kate,
      I never doubted you for a second, and I hope one persons comment didn’t drag you down to much. I know how easy it is for one persons negative comment to overpower all the good ones. I am so sorry that this happened to you. Lord have mercy. My heart ached and I had tears in my eyes as I read this. I hate that you’ve had to deal with this and live through these things. It hurts and it makes me angry, livid in fact. I saw my own story reflected through you. I want to rant but I’m going to keep it simple. I pray that each day is getting better for you. You’ve taken the right steps in order to protect yourself. You are strong, stronger than you think, and you will get through this. He deserves no sympathy for you and you cannot afford to give any. I hope to God that none of these “friends” who knew about his abusive ways, and didn’t tell you, are encouraging you to stay or sympathize with him. If so, do not let them sway you. You need to focus on one thing, YOU, your safety and your wellbeing. Now is not the time to worry about his possible future victims. Focus on that after you have your two feet on the ground and are safe from him. My lawyer warned me that I can only say “I think/feel/believe” when talking about him unless he has had a legal conviction of his crimes. There are legal ramifications of you don’t. Much love sent your way. Keep your head up, and take things one day at a time; one moment at a time if you have to. <3

      • Thank you Tonya. The act of speaking back to LORI and her sensitivity was something I am just now learning how to do; establish my agency and enact my power. Tracy then stepped forward and defended me, protected me as did all the rest of these amazing women. I have never been so enveloped by loving support. If these horrors were necessary to lead me to the beauty, which is this harmony of chumps, then I accept that. We are where we are, and I am here in solidarity with you and the thousands of beautiful chumps.

        Thank you for your kindness. I am recovering……

        Kate

  • Kate-Your story is the nightmare version of many of ours. First off, you are so strong for moving on and lawyering up and surviving not just him, but the version of yourself that he brought out …the one that tried to take your life. You are obviously not suicidal. You are strong and know that your life is meaningful. It is so fortunate you survived this and it saddens me to think you had to suffer the humiliation you did. As for the friends thinking he was crazy…I don’t think that necessarily means they were not there for you. I had a lot of friends who didn’t like my ex for some reason but it was not really clear to them. When his double life came out, it sort of reinforced this creep feeling he gave them. But we usually try not to tell our friends that their spouse creeps us out when he hasn’t done anything specific. You probably even sensed something. We can compartmentalize those things when we want to love someone. Power to you Kate. (Kates are strong! : ) )

  • Am I a bad person for busting out laughing at the bit about how, after shooting himself, he made sure to get blood on every bed linen in the house?

    I mean, that is so next-level petty there needs to be another word for it altogether.

    “I’m going to shoot myself and wreck her test and her life . . . and also ALL THE BEDSHEETS and then she’ll have no clean sheets and BWAHAHAHAHA my revenge will be complete.”

    • I can totally see this happening. As child was traumatized by a friends mom who slit her wrists and painted the house. It even smelt bad, gah. A drama king or queen going to any length. All honors to Kate for resisting the temptation (or not having it), to leave things be. May all the energy expended on ugly go back into being beauty and healing for you – after you are safe.

    • It pissed me off. He was a bit of a slob and I thought at that moment that the sonofabitch just ruined my freshly purchased WHITE coverlets. I am still annoyed. But, let me do a shout out for TIDE PODS. Cold water, two Tide Pods and the linens are SERVE-PRO…like it never even happened.

      Kate

      • Bless you, Kate, for celebrating the satisfaction of some task-completion in the midst of this horror. Tide Pods, LOL. It is both beautifuly literary and bad-ass womanly and all in the face of atrocity. All peace and patience and stamina to you, Kate.

      • IMG – I totally love this! Glad the tide pods helped. Will go out and buy some this morning and I’m STILL cleaning up the mess he left after YEARS!

        SO MUCH love to you!! ❤️❤️❤️

  • I am glad that you are doing everything to keep yourself safe.

    As Doc’s1st. pointed out, you are in danger. In these fuckwit’s minds there is a close correlation between suicide and homicide. I found this out the hard way.

    In my case cheater ex had informed me that he was considering killing me, my two boys, and then himself. It took me a few months to get enough resources together to get us gone. I was able to get a restraining order, which ticked him off. When the divorce was granted, the judge refused to grant supervised visitation for my boys. Five months later, cheater ex kidnapped and murdered my youngest son. Then he drove to another state and committed suicide with a buddy. Eighteen months after that, his family paid somebody to burn my house down.

    You see, nothing is ever the fuckwit’s fault. In their twisted psychotic little brains, they are the special, entitled ones. Everyone else is here to serve them. Especially the spouse appliance. When thwarted, they feel perfectly justified in taking revenge. If twisted enough, they will stop at nothing, even murder.

    Please do whatever it takes to keep rigorous no contact. He is more than capable of killing you. Don’t let him know where you are, ever. He will blame you for everything. You are not safe.

    A great book on this is Gavin DeBecker’s ” The Gift Of Fear” I wish I had found it before all this crap went down. Maybe I could have done something to change the outcome.

    Nevertheless, please stay safe. Sending you hugs.

    • Tessie, your reality always brings tears to my eyes, I just want to reach out and give you a really long hug. It really strikes me today, though, that his family is so disordered that they(arranged) burned down your house(??!!!). They also lost two grandsons as well as a psychotic son, boys who harmed no one and had nothing to do with their dad’s illness. What kind of brain leaps to doing such a thing? I understand grief can do awful things but that seems very psychopathic. Also helps to explain the ex’s crazy. ((Hugs again)).

    • Oh Tessie, you inspire me to honor that little voice that tells me my STBX is a danger to me. Thank you for that. You are a mighty, mighty woman.

    • Tessie,
      Thank you for reading this morning and weighing in. I was hoping you would.
      Kate needed to hear from you to know that she is hardly alone with such a nightmare.

      Kate,
      We all send our support and love. Not ever single person will write what is best for you but take all of it to heart and pick out what makes sense for you and your life. Then run everything past your lawyer.
      We have your back and will virtually hold your hand as you survive this trauma.

      Lori,
      Please also remember that ChumpLady receives thousands of letters that are bullshit. She is a pro at knowing what is real and what isn’t. She would never have posted this without making sure the story was real.
      Leave your skepticism behind when you read these letters.
      Long time readers have hears stories here that are beyond believable but, sadly, are all true.

      • There is no one like Tessie. On my worst days, I could remind myself that if Tessie could survive what her husband and his family did, I could survive “romantic heartbreak.”

  • Kate: I am amazed you were able to write such a lucid letter after that kind of crime scene shock. You are in survivor mode, and will probably crash emotionally at some point. Set up appointments NOW–with a therapist, coffee with sympathetic and helpful friends, with professors to let them know why your attendance might drop. Chumps are used to putting one foot in front of another, and doing what needs to be done. But then we have to contend with the awful trauma of what happened to us (and you have 5x the amount to deal with as many of us). Sending huge hugs.

  • Sweet lord jésus.
    … Leave. Just leave…
    Get far away.
    It so easily could have been you. You probably know this.
    Next time it will be you.
    He has crossed many boundaries to get to this point.
    He was willing to almost kill himself to prevent your success.
    You are not safe.
    Makes you wonder about alot of those murder suicides and the like.

  • It’s so creepy how sadistic these personalities are. They’re so much more than selfish. You wish they were just selfish because at least they would have better things to do than plot how to repeatedly bring you to your knees. He is crazy. It’s not great to be him. But my God are some people just black holes to run away from as soon as possible.

  • Kate: A very humble suggestion: someday in the not too distant future, rewrite this story. You have a glimpse of humor and that will be a great tool for your heart and head. Turn the story around and give yourself the power through a different lense. Chance the colors, change the weapons, change the sheets. Tragedy is the core of comedy.
    Picture yourself as the heroine. Because you are.

    • Thank You Julie, I love to write and I appreciate that you see my humor. Next semester I am taking a Creative Writing class. This might show up in a story.

      Kate

    • Julie Rogers,

      Humor here – which is not always easy to catch in writing but your sentence.’Change the colors, change the weapons, change the sheets.’ My head screamed out BURN THE FUCKING SHEETS.

      Kate: I do not mean to minimize your situation by my comment above at all. I hope you know that and that the words were said with warmth in my heart – I am the one in my family who always tries to bring a bit of light into tough situations with my humor without minimizing someone else’s pain/situation while at the same time acknowledging the pain.

      No offense to anyone. I questioned if I should post my comment and decided that I would thinking you might appreciate a bit of humor 🙂 (By the way – before Dday I never would be caught dead using 4 letter words. My vocabulary is littered with them now.)

  • Thanks to everyone for these powerful responses. With the exception of LORI who doubts the veracity of my story….. her comments upset me to tears and heart palpitations. I posted the Case number for the police report.
    I am alone much of the time. I go to school full time as a method of therapy. This event took place on Thursday evening; I had a final Philosophy exam on Saturday. My professor gave me an extension, but I decided to summon the strength to take it. I forgave myself in advance for the probability that I might do poorly. I aced it and finished the course with an A.

    I think that when forced, we can summon both calmness and strength. For many years I was isolated; writing and learning are my chosen coping strategies. I have never posted anything on a public forum, not even facebook; this is a first. Reaching out to Tracy and this forum was akin to calling a best friend with horrific news.

    The quality of information shared here is life-saving for
    some of us. Tracy is doing extraordinary work and is a role model for me.

    Again, thank you all for your support.

    Kate

    • Also Kate, I know you are concerned about school. You need to prioritize getting out, getting safe, getting free. So, If you need to contact your school and get unconditional emergency withdrawal from all of your courses. If you withdraw now so early in the semester you may get back a portion of your money. It will also keep you in good standing to return when things are calmer for you. If you push on and it all becomes too much for you, you may find yourself with failing grades and/or overwhelmed when it is too late to get any tuition returned or have to withdraw and the bad grades staying on your transcript. Take care of you. GET FREE now. Deal with school and everything else later.

    • Kate, check with your Disability and Support Office on your campus (by federal law every college has to have one) I work in one. I’m sure you can find a doctor to diagnose you with extreme anxiety at this point in your life. If you work through the DSS office you may be able to get accommodations for flex in attendance and on assignments and extra time on tests. I have worked with many abused women so I know you can get help there.

  • Get out get out get out.

    As a professor, say something to your instructors so they can assist you with staying in top of your classes. This is also a safety valve for you as well; we can assist you with finding university resources to help you.

    But get a restraining order, get new locks, abandon the house, but just get out. Only communicate through your attorney; they can keep you in separate rooms if you have to negotiate. I just wouldn’t stay in that house. The fact he has a gun and used it on himself (and survived)… statistically speaking is not good for you. Just get out.

  • One thing I have learned from chump lady and chump nation is not to doubt crazy. I honestly feel lucky some days when I read about worse crazy than I had to endure. That is like being thankful you were only maimed and not killed, but whatever it is, it is. Sure, some people make up crazy stories, and some of us live them. But to even think up a crazy story shows us all that crazy is out there, watching the news shows us crazy is out there, living through what we have lived through shows us crazy is out there. Still, our rational mind tries to diminish crazy, because we would rather live in a rational, humane world that has loving and grace filled people in it. Do not waste time trying to figure out the veracity of crazy. Don’t try to unwind the ball of crazy, and tidy it up. Accept that it is what it is, and get as far away from it as possible.

    You cannot worry about other chumps on dating sites. Some of them are crazy too. They probably won’t believe you either. If they are true chumps, if they live, they will finally arrive at the conclusion that crazy is real and they will protect themselves. You cannot save the world from crazy, there is too much of it out there. Bottom line is save yourself, and your children if you can. No material possession is worth your life. In any disaster, some people live and some people don’t. That is simply reality.

    Why do we feel we must evaluate? If you really want to do something useful, pay what you have learned forward in some way. Volunteer your time, donate possessions if you can, live an authentic life. Be one of the rational and grace filled people who inhabit the world AWAY from the crazy. That is a productive way to spend your time, and that is a way to heal your soul.

  • Is anyone else also horrified by the false reconcilliation? A reminder that cheating is part of a whole package of deceit and selfishness. Kate, you’re mighty and an inspiration.

    • The Sexaholics Anonymous and Marital Counseling I believe are a rabbit trail. This man spent years in therapy before I was ever in the picture. He charmed his female therapists and sexual addiction was NEVER addressed. They worked on him getting over the trauma of his ex wife of 33 years….her abuse of him!!! Aside from cheating on her before, during, and after their marriage, he withdrew lots of money from their joint accounts to buy cars and boats, and RV’s.

      Even when I went to therapy with him, the counselor gently told me that men are biologically wired to have many partners. He gently reminded my husband to stop acting on his desires….and tut tutted me as he referred to me as the co-dependent. Yeah, I wanted to cut off his nut sack.

      • I am so sorry that happened to you Kate. So many therapists are just shit. And the whole sex addiction industry is just excuse making and blameshifting as far as I can see.

      • Well Kate, I can cite you plenty of research which argues that it’s actually women who are wired for promiscuity. All these wires … I blame socio-biology which for me is a far greater quackery than astrology.

        • I would be very interested to read more about that aspect. According to my STBX, women are so easy to bed that it is pointless for people like him to resist. There is some truth to that, I think.

  • Kate – I am SO sorry. I am so relieved he didn’t kill YOU and huzzah for getting him out of your life. Including your finances.

    I skipped right down to reply so I have overlooked much Chump wisdom. In case it hasn’t been mentioned already, go to your school. Your husband trying to kill himself the night before your big exam is something they need to know. They can help you too, in some small but meaningful manner.

    You’re awesome. He’s a scary crazy asshole and upon escape you will flourish.

  • So many controlling people use threats of suicide to manipulate their families. This is a rare case where someone actually pulled the trigger. He is a dangerous man and this is a very dangerous time for you Kate.

    • I really like CL advice – if somebody threatens suicide call the professionals because you yourself aren’t qualified or experienced to deal with it.

  • Kate,

    I am so glad you found Chump Lady, and had time to read up on Cheater dynamics before last week’s horrific episode. You were far better prepared than most of us when the shit hit the fan. I think what is hardest for chumps is the blinding confusion when a disordered partner’s mask drops and what we see is so strikingly different than who we had believed them to be. That you were able to keep a clear head under those circumstances, and even sit for your exam the following day, shows how truly mighty you are.

    Keep yourself safe, and move ahead, toward the light. You won’t be walking alone.

  • I am so, so sorry that this happened to you. There is so much great advice here already. I think you may even be shocked by the way you described the whole scene of him dragging his bloody self on everything. My goodness! Please also seek some professional trauma release help for yourself because what you saw can easily cause PTSD in the average person. I myself am triggered just reading this. I just hope that you are not alone and have an excellent team of various sources to help you get through this. Chump Nation is here, but also hopefully you have a strong local team. I wish you so much healing and newfound freedom. I also wish you success in your academic pursuits.

  • Kate, whay he did was a warning shot to you. Secure yourself legally, financially, and most of all physically. Start over elsewhere if you have to. Remember, protection orders and the like may be great, but ‘paper don’t stop bullets’ .

    • Amen Ka-chump! ANY court order is only as good as the human it is handed to and protection orders generally aren’t handed to great human beings. If he gets out of the hospital make sure he doesn’t find you alone at home Kate. Try to get as much done to get away as possible while he is in the hospital. Don’t tell him where you are. Go to a shelter if you have to.

  • This is something I wrote in my diary a few weeks ago. I had to stay in the same house with this person and manage his charms. His snake head would sometimes come up to the sound of a pungi ……

    Diary

    September 21, 2019

    Note to Self:

    This borderline psychopath, my husband G, is reptilian; his brain is heartless and he will encroach scale by scale most imperceptibly until he has his prey. His desires are not evil as much as they are of his nature, which is reptilian, unthinking, slinking, cold blooded and without purpose other than his own feeding. This reptile does not reflect back upon the consumption of his dinner, it only feels the fullness of his belly and the temporary satiation of hunger. It has no quantification , qualification, or satisfaction, only a temporary cessation of its hunt in response to its necessary digestion. It will begin again for the same purpose and repeat and repeat until a hoe is brought down upon his head. There is no purpose for his life other than the pursuit of prey; it eats and shits. This snake who has the figure of a man has availed itself of his arms and legs to no useful human result.

    So, Kate, please be reminded as this creature warms himself in your doorway, gathering strength and waiting, it is a snake, a beast with no regard for you and no other purpose for you other than his own appetite. Nothing more.

    He is worming. The compliment of my best beauty without makeup. Opening the car door. Taking me to a movie. Buying me collard greens and watching me while I ate them. Manipulation.

    The appointment with Father Tom. G told me he couldn’t look at me directly because of his embarrassment, his shame. Oh dear. His shame. That thing he feels. Now. That currency of value, shame, surely will drive him to what? Oh, yes, the reading of books on sexual addiction, and the revelations that that bring him. If only he had read them last year, he said, when I asked him to. Oh dear, how he has grown this week. So repentant and embarrassed by his snake nature; his skin, he hopes to shed his skin soon and renew himself as a snake.

    • This is excellent stuff. Gives me the shivers when I think of the financial loss I suffered in my “marriage.” Got anymore?

    • Oh Kate! I really felt that one. Your writing is so powerful. Thank you for sharing. I have so many thoughts and words about what you wrote, but you described it so much more eloquently.

    • Very well written! Your diary entry made me feel cold, and I understood every word as I was with someone similar.

      I too like to write. I wrote nothing the last few years I was with my abusive, cheater ex. It’s been a little over a year since Dday, and I’ve gotten back to writing : ) It feels wonderful.

      Keep up the writing!

    • My brother texted me today after reading this. He said he thinks I owe an apology to all the reptiles I offended.

  • Plenty of cheaters murdering chumps every day. No sympathy for cheaters who off themselves. I think when they do it, it ties into their desire to not have to deal with the consequences of their actions. When they threaten to do it, it is merely to manipulate the chump and others. My XW threatened to off herself on Dday and of course like others here I talked her down. In retrospect I think she was just upset with herself for finally admitting the truth after an hour of my shrewd questioning. The master liar had been bested and she knew the kibble sandcastle she had created would be coming to an end.

    Every day I remind myself to be thankful for escaping.

    @Kate…. walk away- you did your time. Move all of your ex’s stuff into a storage unit and change the locks on the house.

  • He has four children from his wife of 33 years. He is a retired military officer from a good family in Ohio. He went to a private military academy; his parents sent him there because he was stealing cars at the age of thirteen; driving them and returning them. His mother was a school teacher. He has a masters degree, tall, attractive but not a pretty boy. He flirts with all people very naturally, and women are lured to him. I learned from his confessions to me that he was always unfaithful to his wife; before during, and after their marriage. In his first month of marriage, he had sex with his first girlfriend…. His infidelities never subsided and were enabled by the military culture of wink wink, you got some trim…although the military code forbade such behavior…(uh, right….).

    His sexual behavior was always that of entitlement. He is a blend of misogyny and narcissism but his charm presents in a kind of humbleness that is distracting and beguiling. He is a skilled boat captain (we lived on a 55 ft Hatteras for two years) and mechanic. He does beautiful finished carpentry and can build a house from the ground up and rebuild the motors of old cars. He does not drink alcohol because of migraines. He cannot be without the company of a woman and lives in fear that he will be abandoned, yet he is incapable of being faithful to those that he does love (in his own way). He is a sex addict. He has impulse control issues, spends money recklessly especially on cars.

    • Kate, Military cheaters are the worst. Like Jesus cheaters, they portray themselves as honorable men while secretly enjoying the worst perversions. Military cheaters get a pass; the trauma of their service caused him to make bad decisions. How can you leave a disabled vet? He is an honorable man, he is a soldier. Switzerland friends will use this reasoning to shame you. Ignore their madness. I worry for your safety. I worry for the safety of his ex-wife. I sincerely hope he succumbs to his self-inflicted wounds.

  • 70% of my assets, my station in life and dignity in tact, my children not being dragged through the ringer, a modicum of – at the very least – some empathy instead of judgement and ostracization, not being vilified and denigrated (and financially decimated) through the family court for 3 years, my standing in the church – not to mention my faith – not to mention the utter destruction of my childrens’ faith, among other catastrophic fall-out?
    His death would’ve been a picnic for me.
    I can’t wait to show up at his funeral in a red dress.

  • I am so sorry you have been abused, but happy you have a way out. It is hard to make good decisions in this state. Don’t worry about notifying the other women right now. Worry about only yourself. When he gets out and realizes that you are no longer a chump, you must be ready. My advice is to assume that he is going to blame you for everything and try to get even more from you. To avoid this happening, hide everything you possibly can. In my location, I was not permitted to close joint accounts without a divorce decree but I was allowed to “spend” the money or make withdrawals to “spend” the money. I was also allowed to open a safe deposit box at a different bank that only my daughter or I can access. I think your idea to liquidate everything is a good one, but be careful where you put the money. Close all credit card accounts and put a lock on your credit at the reporting agencies so no new accounts can be opened. Take screenshots or print out proof of his multiple dating sites to use in the divorce whether or not it is admissible in court. It will help you when he tries to make the story look like he is the poor victim, even if only to remind yourself. These guys are so good at lying that they even start to believe their own lies. It is great that you are having success in school. This is the start of your new life. I wish you all the best. Please seek good counsel and take care of yourself. Hugs.

  • Kate,

    I have a friend locally who has experience being a chump. We have had to clean up our language as to not offend our scaled, shelled, feathered or furry friends when describing despicable people. It is quite a challenge since we both have a great respect for life in its many forms – life that is not exhibiting malevolent narcissistic behavior as a way of existence.

    How nice to have a brother who doesn’t miss a beat 🙂

  • 1) File for divorce
    2) Have attorney send letters to banks freezing and putting holds on ALL accounts. Have attorney document everything.
    3) Run credit report. These types usually get ahold of your SSN.
    4) File for a restraining order with your attorney.
    5) Get some kind of protection in the form of a human, sone pepper spray, a regular taser, and a baton taser.
    6) Change the locks.
    7) Put RING security cameras on all doors.
    8) Notify in writing – everyone you can trust – what has happened. Ask for regular check ins.
    9) Get a new phone. Give all trustworthy friends your new number for said check ins.
    10) Tell your professors. They can escalate to the Dean and buy some time so that your grades don’t suffer.
    11) Get a new email address.
    12) Cancel all cards.
    13) Put an alert on your SSN so that if he tries to open a credit line, you get an alert.
    14) Call several women’s shelters in your area. Have an attorney state that if you flee to a shelter to remain safe, this does not constitute disertion of your primary home.
    15) BIG HUGS 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

    Last but not least… there are many lovely pit bulls waiting in shelters to be adopted. Get a large male pit bull. Then get an emergency bell. Train the dog to attack all testicles in the vacinity when you ring the bell. The pit bull won’t know the difference between prairie oysters and cheater oysters. Plus, it is a delicacy. Every dog deserves a nice treat once in a while.

    • Edit to #5 on an otherwise excellent list:

      5) Get yourself a German Shepherd, a semi-auto rifle with a mounted hi-power light… in addition to bear spray, pepper spray, and some martial arts-based self-defense training… and the will to use it.

      Your local firearm store will be able to recommend some good safety & tactical training.

      Take care of you, Kate. I am so sorry for all you’ve gone through with this psycho. Your diary entry really covered it very well.

      In my experience, there is no sleep so sweet as when you know your fiercely-protective dog is listening out for you.

    • THAT made me laugh. Good advice and I have done a lot of the steps already, including talking to my professors. My grade for my philosophy final ,which I willed myself to take less than 36 hours after the shooting, posted. I earned a 97 and finished the course with an A.

      I want to alert you all that despite the fact that he shot himself in the chest, and is a danger to himself and others, he will only be held for 72 hours in the psych unit. The detective called me yesterday, my STBX is allowed to pick up his gun AND I am not allowed to RED FLAG the gun registration system. It matters not
      that I have a Restraining Order in place. It is entirely incumbent of the victim to protect herself .

      • Kate,

        Welcome to the world one only enters after being shoved into it. The world where the victim is not protected.

        A restraining order is just a piece of paper and these cretins know it. They know they can get in and out before anyone responds to a call. They know how to work the system. Manipulation is their game, a game for which I had no previous training.

        I wouldn’t have believed that had I not been shoved into it myself and know of many others for whom the system has let down in huge ways.

        Others here have said that YOU have to protect yourself. I know you already know it but it does bear repeating because we all have our vulnerable moments. Vulnerable moments can prove to be deadly.

        I want to add that the police/courts etc aren’t the bad guys….its just the system that they have to work within. Some are awful but there are angles in their ranks too. Hopefully you find yourself some angels.

      • Kate,
        He can only be held 72 hours in a psych ward? Now, I don’t know what state you live in. (A scary state apparently). It is time to have your attorney call the CEO of the psych ward. It would make for some REALLY bad publicity if Mr. Nutbar is released from the psych ward and had possession of a gun. Unstable people and guns don’t mix! Surely that psych ward would not like to be made famous in the news for releasing mentally unstable men with guns in their possession into society. Call the newspapers. Also, if I were you, I would change the locks to your home and go and stay with a friend that Mr. NutBar doesn’t know. Leave your cellphone hidden in your house and buy a new one that you carry on your person. (Can’t be tracked by friend finder.) Consider puttting your car in a storage unit and taking the bus or asking friends for rides.

        I have near and dear family members who were almost shot and killed by her abusive husband. They had to disappear for a little while. He ended up successfully killing himself. Very sad. But since these are my blood relatives I am grateful they are alive.

        Please take care. 🤗🌹🌹 I am concerned about your safety and I am sure all the chumps share that concern. You are worth so much more than this.

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