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When They Cheat in Your Home

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Dear Chump Lady,

I recently found out my husband of 25 years had a mistress for around 15 years of that marriage.

Boy was that an eye opener! The bastard was basically living a lie with me and this left feeling paralyzed. Five months have passed since. The funny thing is he felt no guilt, sorrow, remorse, the only thing he felt was ‘How did I get caught’.

I caught him messaging his mistress. The messages were so intimate, like THEY were husband and wife. In the messages it disclosed that he was regularly bringing this women to my home when I wasn’t there.

Chump Lady… I just can’t get over this! How low can you go! I am constantly eating myself up about this. I just feel as though burglars entered my home. Whatsmore, this woman is married with children of her own and is also a grandmother. How do people do this? I am so hurt at what he has done. He is of course a Narcissist and after finding this out I bought your book. It changed my outlook on my situation completely. I thank you so much for every ‘spot on’ sentence you wrote.

However, how can I erase the fact that he brought her to my home without the blink of an eye? Narcissists are truly not worthy of breathing on this earth.

Reincarnated

Dear Reincarnated,

Make him your ex-husband and get a new home that’s not polluted.

I know that’s not fair and I know that’s not the advice you were hoping to get. I’m supposed to have some sort of magic elixir that removes painful associations from household objects. It cleans! It disinfects! It deodorizes! 

You could spend years in aversion therapy, trying get used to visual reminders of your husband’s perfidy. Every. Single. Day. On Every. Single. Surface.

Or you can burn the motherfucker down and start over.

(I’m speaking metaphorically. Please don’t torch your husband. Let the lawyers do that with summons and discovery. It’s a slower burn.)

how can I erase the fact that he brought her to my home without the blink of an eye?

You can’t erase facts. They’re pesky that way. They remain facts. What you can do is learn to live with the facts, and learn to live without fuckwits.

What they did was a horrific violation of your sense of personal safety. Home is a refuge. A bulwark against the outside world that doesn’t love us. It’s our earthly reality, the homey everyday objects we wake up to, a grandmother’s quilt, a favorite mug, an inherited table. The importance of stability and belonging is understood as essential to human well-being. We explain away societal ills with “broken homes” and homelessness.

To learn that your home — for what? All 15 years? 15 months? 15 days? — was their personal fuck nest, while you went about your life unknowing — is to be complicit in your humiliation. Conspired against. Your chumpdom gives your husband a hard-on. It’s the frisson of naughty that infuses his pathetic hook-ups with more edge, more danger.

And I’m convinced that despite all their conniving and schedule coordinating, they don’t think much more about it than that. Are your children in the next room? Is your wedding picture on the mantle? Is that your favorite pillow? They don’t care. It’s there. Beyond the naughty factor, using your home is just a prop in their fantasy. It’s cheaper than a Motel 8. Nothing has real meaning. They don’t ascribe meaning, because they don’t DO meaning.

How could he? He couldn’t if he cared.

You can’t be married to a disassociated monster who gets off on humiliating you. (I mean, you CAN, but you shouldn’t. You can also drive nails through your feet. You shouldn’t do that either.)

Things can be replaced. If the bed sheets feel defiled, burn ’em. Things can be repurposed. Did she wear that sweater? I know a hamster that needs a new cage liner. Things can be fought for. Grandma’s quilt is MINE, goddamn it and my associations will be of Mee-Maw ONLY.

Dump the husband. Figure out the stuff. Enjoy a much-improved new life.

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • “Or you can burn the motherfucker down and start over”

    I remember my sister telling me that I needed to burn the marriage the ground. I didn’t quite understand what she meant at first, but I do now.

    I can’t tell you what a turning point it was for me to move and of that home. That’s when I stopped feeling like a big pile of shit all the time. I had fought like hell for that house too. After I got it lock stock and barrel, I suddenly couldn’t wait to get rid of it. Best decision I ever made.

    • I feel the same way about the house, I fought my ass off for it. I got it in the divorce. I just need to refinance it into my name and it’s all mine but….now I can’t wait to move. I have to live here until the refi is finished but I’m house hunting for the new year. Fuck those associations.

      To the OP, I hope you sell your house and make a stack of cash. Then, find yourself a cute cabin that is ALL YOURS and live happily ever after away from all that mess. Your ex is a nasty mo fo.

      • Happy house hunting, unexpected chumminess! And kudos to your advice about selling for cash and then living in a cabin :). I simplified my life post-house-sell too. Not a cabin, but an apartment I love. Something breaks? Landlord’s problem. Easier to keep clean. Freedom to move if I choose. And best of all, I’m making new memories in a home my ex has never set foot in!

      • I too thought I wanted the house. I wish I’d gotten it to sell it because I would have ended up with more money. But I am beyond grateful I have my one “new” place.

    • This is me ‘Reincarnated’. Tracy, I forgot to mention that I divorced the pants off him. He had no rights to house anyway. Its just hard trying to accept the violation I feel. Like other chumps mentioned, he didn’t take ANY family photos. Not even of our son. I am now picking up the pieces of my life with my son in my violated home. The pain I feel NOW is a lot less than it was. Its a very day by day process. However, THAT pain is indescribable. No one can truly understand unless they are a chump. Chump lady, thank you so much for your valuable advice! I tried gallons of disinfectant when cleaning and scrubbing but those burglars don’t budge from my mind.

      • Cheater o’Mine also brought the other woman to our home and our bed. He didn’t take any photos or memorabilia when he left either. But, he did take the bathroom scale. To my knowledge, he lived out of his car at the time, so I have envisioned him weighing himself in parking lots and on the side of the road.

        • Renay, that reminded me of the scene from the movie “The Jerk”. The scale was all he needed, just the scale. The scale? That is just so random! You are the lucky one, he took the trash out!

          • Thirtythree–that’s the only scene from ‘The Jerk’ I can remember after all these years. 😀 😀 😀
            And yes, he took out the trash…iest–married her. They are remarkably well suited and I AM so blessed! I hope they are living that large scale kind of life they envisioned. I’m out here living in peace. 😀

      • Buy yourself a new bed. Rearrange the furniture. Paint the walls. There are ways to make it feel different while you decide to sell or not.
        And sage the hell out of that mofo.
        Best of luck to you, and continue to be mighty!

        • That’s right Kate. Reincarnated, it’s what feels right for you, but a brand new home doesn’t have to be the only way. This spring (in Aus) I’ve gone crazy in my home and garden, making it mine, ALL MINE (moohahaha).

          Hard pruning, planting, moving stuff, chucking the last bits and pieces associated with him. I’ve got furniture from op shops, found inexpensive art I adore, new bed linen and glassware. Second hand stuff, found at markets stuff, side of the road finds. It was important for my kids not to lose their home as well as their father, and I’m so glad we are still here and have made brand new memories. He wiped us, and we’ve wiped him. It feels absolutely fantastic.

          Big big hugs of support and encouragement, yes it is jaw droppingly appealing what they’ve done but WE GET YOU. And we’ve got you.

        • One of the first things I did was throw away the toaster. My ex loved toast– had it several times a day. And NEVER cleaned it. That toaster just spew crumbs all over my kitchen counters, even when I cleaned it. It felt so good to throw it away. Freeing.

          I also agree with redecorating. New paint, new colors, new window coverings, new bedding and throw pillows will make a world of difference. It will break the unconscious painful associations in your psyche. Plus, it is positive action that signals to your head and heart that you are moving forward.

      • I caught my XH having drunken sex with his AP on the couch just minutes after I talked to them. That couch never was sat on again – not by me especially, but I even wouldn’t even let the kids or dog on it for the next 48 hours until I could get it out of the house. I know how you feel. I hate that I do, but I know.

  • I was lucky enough that my STBX wife and I only lived about a year in our house before D-Day. Also, to my knowledge she didn’t bring her AP here. But redecorating, changing linens, and also my clothes, etc., did a lot.

    Before she explained to me that everything was wrong with our marriage I was under the impression that our couple life was improving. Less stress, less tiredness, children getting bigger… We had a number of family trips during that last year where I had good times and bought several souvenirs. I gave them all back to her, told her they were souvenir of a big, long, lie. Told her she could do whatever she wanted about them, I just never wanted to see them anymore. The house did feel a lot cleaner without those.

    • I hear that. My ex whore and I lived in our house for 14 years before she bolted, I got the house as our daughter still lived with me..while I’m still in the house 5 years later it does hold a lot of memories that suck. But I’ve gained a ton of equity so there’s that. As far as mementoes, she didn’t take a one. Or pictures, photo albums, videos of 24 years together. She left it all like it never happened, or like you said one big lie.

      • 25 years together, 4 kids, and he also didn’t take a single picture or momento. It must be a move straight out of the Chester Handbook. Unfeeling idiots.

        • Same here. 25 years, 3 children. He took nothing except what I forced him to take. He fought like hell for some music cds, after the fact and of which he had no legal standing to ownership. I gladly gave them to him. I have all the family photos and videos of the kids growing up.

          I got the house, refinanced and have worked to make it “my” space. I struggle whether to try to remain. The upkeep takes a lot of my time and money. I want to keep it as the family home until my youngest graduates from college. That is another year and a half. As much as I love the home and the location, I don’t see my future here. I feel like my life is still on hold and it is frustrating.

          • Same here, CalGal01 except 30 years. I finally started coping by figuring out how to maintain the house and yard, fixing and painting things (thanks YouTube), had an interior designer in to help me figure out ways to make it look more attractive for not much dough, forcing Douche to take every scrap of his stuff, shoehorning into his boxes a bunch of other junk I had no use for, and downsizing my other belongings, all with an eye to eventually selling the place. There is a lot more work there than I realized and it has helped me try to move in a forward direction.

          • My ex also took no photos. He has a few on his phone, but not many. Cos never took them. He did the same with his first wife. But we had 2 kids ffs and he took no photos. Shows how much of a lie it is.

            • Same here. No photos, packed like he was going on holiday. Left everything behind including his children or any regard for them.
              He never acknowledge what should happen with his stuff. So I cut most of it up, ripped it or broke it and packed it inboxes with all his secret porn dvd’s to the sluts parents house. 17 boxes taken away by courier for £70. Less time and hassle then going to the dump.
              Not seen kids for nearly 3 years. It’s my eldest birthday today and my rage and sadness are strong!

        • yeah, what is UP with the not taking ANYthing from their former lives

          since i was (of course) the only one who ever took any pictures of our kids

          i even asked her “do you want me to print you a few photos of them”

          and i’ll never forget

          the look of (what I believe to be) genuine confusion on her face

          which seemed to say “no dummy, those were just props for the lie…and now that you’ve busted me, why would i possibly want them?”

          so bizarre…whenever i think “how could she just leave that stuff behind?”

          i have to remind myself that she actually “left” years ago

          & that while she derived great and lasting pleasure from the lying

          she’s not really capable of emotions like guilt or empathy

          whereas i am lucky to have real human emotions

          which i can control, describe, enjoy and be patient with

          even if one of them is sadness

          stay mighty, people!

      • My XW did the same thing. Didn’t take the pictures and got rid of all the gifts I got her. She acts like the 24 years don’t exist. Tells the kids she doesn’t want anything to taint her new place. 🙄🙄🙄

      • The dick didn’t take any pictures of the kids either and after 30 years of marriage. He made sure to take his expensive Native American pots and Kachina dolls.

      • Same. She only took the unfinished baby books (my boys were 11, 13, and 18 so that was weird) when she moved out. It’s been one of the most bizarre parts for me. Contrary to her rewritten history and narrative of long suffering, we had a close family with so many great memories over 19 years that apparently just don’t mean anything. I think it’s more about the fact that they provide evidence that her lies about me and our marriage we’re just that: lies. She married the affair partner, so she can’t have him wondering why the pictures tell a different story… Meanwhile, I’ll enjoy being reminded of the vacations with my kids to Disney, camping, NYC, reminded of all the amazing Christmases, birthdays, and random play days, and enjoy being filled by memories of school plays, youth football games, and soccer matches. Those memories are a source of joy for me, and reinforce that it was precisely those things that made my life enough. I did not need to fill some sort of hole because I actually saw the value of what was in front of me. She can eat shit… Lol

        • Well said!

          “ Those memories are a source of joy for me, and reinforce that it was precisely those things that made my life enough. I did not need to fill some sort of hole because I actually saw the value of what was in front of me.”

          • well Chumped, thank you.

            35 years here and 3 kids and no contact in 3 years…he married the AP and HIS father and family act as if we never existed.

            Our kids are the only descendants on their side.

            It hurt to feel unworthy of being recalled, let alone missed. But you put it well.

            I had joyful memories or our children, and if THE DOCTOR has convinced himself HE did not, so be it.

            He was the common denominator in every family conflict. Idiot.

            He’s now irrelevant to our lives, which is as it should be.

            • Same 32 years 2 kids, no contact in three years, He married AP and HIS family does not even acknowledge me. WTF is wrong with people?

              • newme I was 29 years 5 kids and he was with AP hanging out with his family out in public a month after I filed, as if I never existed! None of my kids will speak to any of them anymore…WTF is wrong?!!!

        • WellChumped…I’m so glad that you have found joy in your memories.

          I’m getting past the whole questioning of memories and wondering if he loved me at that time or was having an affair. I tend to remember the good times now more as me and the kids enjoying ourselves in all those pictures, and he was along for the ride. Not sure if he was enjoying himself and not my problem if he didn’t.

          That’s been freeing.

      • Let’s face it, if they valued family they wouldn’t have been able to cheat in the first place. Soulless selfish bastards, the lot of them.

        • Mine, without EVER telling me about his affair would always say “this does not involve the boys”…30 and 32 at the time. Of course, learning that their father is an adulterous, lying, Sociopath will have no impact on them. His mother? She goes around telling people the girlfriend came “after” the marriage ended. Whatever gets them through the day.

      • And ditto for me. He abandoned it all like it never happened. I just can’t imagine being a hollow shell with no attachment. He only lived in the moment seeking new and better kibble. No use for the old kibble that was used and discarded.

    • Francois, your souvenirs was my wedding band. Gave that worthless, meaningless piece of nothing back with a short letter explaining it only represented lies, cheating, conning and represents nothing but 20 years together with a person I had never met. And didn’t want to know.

    • I was only in the house for two months before I found out, and XW moved out a couple of months later. We hadn’t even finished unpacking yet. It would be very hard to live here if I had any memories of a life together associated with it. In a way, it really helped disentangle our lives that XW tricked me into giving up our former life together (friends, job, house, town) just before abandoning me. It made the first few months immeasurably harder, but now that that’s done there are no long-term memories I need to face regularly. Also, XW had no discernible taste of her own, so the objects that I did keep were all chosen by me. I have mostly antiques; XW’s house runs to giant inflatable plastic reindeer (on the outside; I’ve never been inside).

  • Dear Reincarnated.

    Burn it all down. Metaphorically of course. You will rise like a Phoenix from the ashes. You can be a new, improved glorious creature. He will always be a disordered freak.

    Now go super stealth mode. Make a plan. Execute the plan. Do not involve him. He demonstrated he doesn’t give a fuck about you. Don’t give one for him. Chump Lady provides excellent resources in this site. Read those and get you a pit bull of a lawyer. Chump Nation will stand with you as you watch the fire destroy the defilement that is your marriage. Burn him.

    • I sold my half of the house to my now-ex and rented myself a lovely place; my new address is literally on Phoenix Avenue!

    • 33—I needed to hear this today and will write it down as one of my many CN words of support and wisdom. THANK YOU

      • PennStateGirl, I would be lost without Chump Lady and Chump Nation as my invisible support group. I come here daily for the snark, wisdom, encouragement, and to give back to my community. You are so welcome.

      • I too needed this redirect today. I’ve been lamenting the loss of my cottage, which “we” spent tons of $$$$ on for “our” retirement dream. But it was all smoke and mirrors and Ex exposed it as the nightmare it truly was.

        Burning the MF marriage down is the only way to go, hard as it is to realize that stark reality. I feel I’m almost done piling the kindling of a 25 year marriage (35 year relationship) on my funeral pyre. I just can’t wait to walk out like Daenerys Targaryen, mightier than before.

    • Thirtythreeyearsachump, thank you so much for your support. I divorced him on October 1st a few days after I turned 50.
      The lies, the going behind my back, its all so much to comprehend. These people are not human- believe me. My 22 year old son wants nothing to do with him. He was a fake. He was a liar. He was a cheater. I truly believe he will never ever be happy.

      • Sibel, I think you have figured out your STBX. He is a hollow man who will never be happy. You, however have the capacity for happiness and joy!!!!

        I’m so happy for you that you are divorced. I’m not sorry your son wants nothing to do with his father. He is old enough to recognize the futility in that. My youngest called his Dad “a bad emotional investment” and has blocked contact. He said he wouldn’t even go to his funeral. I encouraged him to have a relationship with his Dad. He said he couldn’t, that he was a liar and a horrible Dad. I’m done with that now. Adult children are entitled to manage their own relationships.

        I’m so grateful to Chump Nation. Nobody gets me like they do! I’m happy my words were supportive to you. I come here daily for the support of my invisible support group.

  • New home can also mean a renovation. Nice project for after the divorce is final. Make everything to your own liking. Toss the old furniture that you always hated, or donate it if you can. Make your home yours again by making it all about you and your new life.

    New living space is preferred. But not always financially attainable. Renovations can be cheaper and more spaced out. Especially if you are willing to learn how and do the work yourself.

    • Chumped Punk, I’m eyeing the two story metal storage shed in my backyard and thinking “That could be living space.” I’m inspired and will begin the process of checking out building codes. It could generate passive income or just be a better place to live than my shack. Thank you for offering the thought that I can do the work myself. That is such an uplifting, positive idea!

      • Don’t forget to recruit friends to help w/renos! Lots of people would love to help us when they know we’ve been done wrong, but aren’t sure how. As long as you don’t ask any one person to do too many things, helping you can make people feel great, and strengthen the friendship! (Family relationships too). I always think of my friend, the high-powered academic w/two kids and a busy life; a day painting walls and eating pizza is her idea of heaven!

  • I generally refer to these types of people as Pieces of Shit…..but today I would have to apologize to a piece of shit for using it as a reference.

    These two are worse than a piece of shit. Pieces of Shit actually have more value than these two.

  • Hi Reincarnated

    I am in the same boat ( sort of ) My Ex took his work Ho to our marital bed when i was at work . He moved out on D Day but was allowed access to the house as he was on the mortgage and i couldn’t legally change the locks .

    I came home from work one day and the butterfly for her earring was in my bed – Just yuk The bed was binned that night .
    She also left a chiffon scarf on there one day as well . That was the end for me i changed the locks and if he wanted in well he could take me to court .

    Its the most cruel thing anyone can do as your home is your sanctuary it turns my stomach thinking about it .

    If you can afford it bin or sell anything that you can live without
    Please use thrift stores / Craigslist etc to get replacement items there are so many kind people out there willing to help .

    • Karenb6962, this is excellent advise. There is no reason to live with that daily reminder of his betrayal. I’m so glad you are free of that toxic hateful man and his whore.

    • I have to believe that leaving things for you to find was no accident. It’s just gratuitously nasty. I never had anything like that, but AP “accidentally” forwarded a bunch of sexts with my wife to his wife – after separation, but still! (Having struggled to forward texts myself, I can say with complete certainty that it’s impossible to do it by accident).

      I understand that it’s hard to be a good loser, but in these cases it’s the “winner” (the AP who successfully destroyed a marriage) who is rubbing it in the face of the chump. Why can’t they just sit back and chortle to themselves in their self-satisfied glee and *leave us alone*.

      • IG….because the main part of the attraction, the glue that holds these disordered asswipes together is the perceived fight to keep the OM or OW from their spouses. Once there is no (perceived or not) fight or triangulation, once the reality of day to day living sets in things usually go south in the relationship. So they desperately need to keep up the triangulation.

        • 100% agree. It’s all “Us vs. Them” and “You aren’t the boss of me” and “I know something you don’t know.” And once we do know and we remove ourselves from their triangle/quadrangle/whatever, then they are right back at the place they were before, just with another person they will eventually discard, one way or the other.

    • For a husband to take his affair partner to his marital bed and for the mistress to not have a problem sleeping with married man in his marital bed…..scum, just pure scum.

      • I could not agree more.

        What these people are showing is that they are selfish, insensitive, self-serving individuals without a shred of decency or empathy. They aren’t even worth the snot off anyone’s nose !

        It happened to me. I threw him out, (and told him to take The Bed with him) bought him out and later sold the house for a fantastic profit.

        While I was waiting to sell I never slept in that tainted bedroom again.

        As soon as I had my own place I felt so much better.

        Stay strong OP, you can rise above this x

  • I’m pretty certain that Asshat and his 24 year younger affair partner christened the new custom home we had built just prior to our closing. Luckily we never had to take possession of the house. I had to meet with the builder on three occasions to basically plead that he not make us follow through with the purchase contract. He eventually took it off our hands when I told him what had happened to my 24 year marriage. I put all of the lost $$$ from it in Asshat’s column when we negotiated marital assets.

  • Oh Reincarnated, I truly feel your pain. Betrayal is so, so soul shattering. It made me question my self worth to the point that I pictured multiple ways to die. “How could he do this! Am I so ‘NOTHING’ that he would defile anything to do with me??!!” Thank God I never went through with any of my thoughts. I admit that I was a mess laying in a puddle of tears and snot for quite some time. The dick had brought his married skank into our house, screwed her in my son’s bed while my son was on the couch outside the door (she was moving from Germany looking for a home for her and her husband but staying with us till she found one), screwed her in our bed, screwed her in our RV trailer with our granddaughters on a couch, and he took her to my Grandma’s house (in another state) where my family has had family reunions for over three decades. I inherited the house. Nothing is sacred to these sick, perverted, disgusting people. I agree with CL, “Nothing has real meaning. They don’t ascribe meaning, because they don’t DO meaning.” Do you get rid of the house? You could, or you can trust me that someday it’s not going to matter. In fact what gave me strength is to know that these people are THAT ugly that nothing matters to them, and though they may think deeper (I doubt it), I feel I’m stronger because I kept my Grandma’s house in SPITE of the stink. When you’re past all of the hurt (it took me 4.5 years), you’ll realize that the house, the bed, the couch, etc., are all ‘things’. But my family memories are everything. I no longer live in the house that he brought the skank to, but I kept my Grandma’s house. My family reunions still occur and we continue to love. Believe CL. The skanks and dicks out there are not that deep. Right now you’re questioning EVERYTHING. You’ll continue to question everything for a while yet. You’ll remember things and wonder, “Was he doing …, when he took off that time we were…?” You’ll spend time unraveling that skein and eventually realize that there’s absolutely no sense in trying. You married a fuckwit. You’ll even question your ability to make sound decisions, after all.., you married a fuckwit. The day will come that you’ll realize that you have no control over what anybody else does. You only have control of yourself. Thank goodness you’re getting your divorce. Forgive yourself for marrying a fuckwit, and you will love life again. The great thing is you will gain strength and will learn to love yourself. It’s wonderful!

    • I can’t wait to get to where you are Amazon

      You are a tower of strength for us newbies . You give me hope for the future

      Much Love xx

    • You’re inspiring! I agree, don’t let the lowlifes ruin your treasures, keep them because they’re really yours! You added the family love and true feelings. The fuckwit and OW? They would do it anywhere, and have. They used your sacred spaces because LAZY, and to bother you. Don’t let them dictate what happens! Although I totally understand moving on, and wanting a clean slate.

  • “You can’t be married to a disassociated monster who gets off on humiliating you.”

    I’m thankful that there was (supposedly) no sex with her affair partners in our home. However, there was one evening where our child was visiting family and my (now ex) wife needed to stop by her office. Once there, she surprisingly initiated sex at her office. This was extremely unusual. I had tried to initiate this before the few times we had been by there, when no one else was there, and it was emphatically rejected.

    We went into another room with a couch and did the deed. After D-Day and her confession, I realized this was one of the spots her and her AP were having sex.

    I felt disgusted and I asked why she was so eager for us to have sex there too. She said she “wanted to have the same feelings with me that she did with her AP”. I wasn’t buying it. To me it was just a way to rub it in my face and humiliate me. It was an inside joke that she could share with her AP.

    Unbelievably, during our “reconciliation” she tried to get me to have sex there again! Then got angry when I refused! What the hell is wrong with these people?

    • It’s all about them and their happiness, they don’t give 2 shits how their partner feels. I truly believe they are incapable of being “in love”, rather they’re just in “the moment” with their current victim.

  • I bought a new bed, bedroom furniture, changed the carpet out to vinyl flooring, and and basically renovated the entire bedroom. I decided to change up the living room while I was at it. No need for a new home. I’ve been in NC since the end of June. Very calming.

  • It took me years to realize that my chumpdom really did give my ex a hard on. He used to watch porn on the floor of our bedroom while I slept. And he made sure I knew about every single flirtation (under the guise of a “confession”) so I would do the pick me dance and etc. He was the kind of guy who wanted to “minister” to promiscuous women but his idea and God’s idea of ministering were two totally separate things.

  • Get your attorney to subpoena her. Also feel free to share all your information with her husband.

    Even if it is decided her testimony doesn’t get you more money, it may scare her and that may be worth the money.

  • She wasn’t in my house but was possibly in two of my cars. I am not 100% certain. I thought hard about it and decided I wasn’t going to let her ruin them for me. I smudged them with sage, had them major detailed, and didn’t hesitate to replace the passenger seat cover in one (it now has a tear in the perforated leather).

    He did take her on our sailboat….I have only set foot on it once since I found out, and that was to get my stuff. Our daughter will not go on it anymore. She told him that she never liked sailing; she went sailing liked being a FAMILY
    together on the boat. He is all crushed that she doesn’t want to go sailing with him. He doesn’t know her very well. I now believe the reason he bought the boat is so he would have a handy alibi and a secure place to hook up. Same with his Dodge Ram hookup truck. I never liked that truck and could not put my finger on it until after DDay.
    I’m sure I was picking up all the energy of what was going on in it.

    I want to move but right now I can’t. Before DDay I loved my house and there were visual cues of happy memories everywhere. They stole and ruined all that too, but I have to say the ones involving my daughter are coming back. Maybe it’s kind of like when a starfish grows a new tentacle? I hope so.

    • Smudging is really effective. I did that to my entire house once Dickhead left. His cousin (who I got on with really well before I had to cut the entire family off for my own sanity) came over and asked if I’d done something new to the house as it felt “really nice and calm”. Um yip, got rid of the toxicity (read Dickhead) and all of his negative suffocating energy. He was not allowed back in the house, and a couple of times he did, I got the sage out after.

  • Ughh do I ever get this. The POS brought his fuckbuddies to my home and my bed, and that wasn’t enough, he brought the last one to our cottage and our vacation home in Florida and soiled my beds there too. Nasty evil scumbags. OK rant done. I don’t think I will ever truly get over that level of disrespect. and how can a woman do that to another woman–oh I know, a slut. plain and simple

  • Yes. Scorched earth. That is really the best.

    Less than 3 weeks after my X Asshat’s spectacular abandonment of me I had an auction company pick up everything in my 5000 sq ft home. Anything that was considered too small to deal with by them was donated or sent to the dump. No garage sales, no lingering, just gone. Besides 2 auction moving vans full hauled off I had 3 charitable organization pick up vans come by. I then did more than 10 trips to the dump in my Lexus hatchback, the leather seats covered with a tarp and that thing stuffed to the roofline with things no one could use. I kept things that were meaningful to me but not associated with that Asshat. I cried as I watched everything go away and sorted through the camping gear and gave away my wedding dress. It was awful and I hate him that I was left to do 100% of it alone. Of course I had to do it alone because he is the kind of weak, selfish, cowardly, lying cheater who abandons his wife.

    I moved into an apartment within just a few weeks which allowed me to work on the house. I refreshed carpet, paint, did an epoxy treatment on the garage floor myself, and kept the yard in perfect shape. The house sold within 4 months. After the divorce was final I bought my own home which I furnished completely to my tastes. Between poof day and moving into my own house was about 7 months.

    Divorced, dispatched, and launched into my own space, in less time than it takes to gestate a human being. I orchestrated my own rebirth.

    Yes. Purge and relaunch. It may mean you lose financially (ask me about $1000 worth of lovely Dania bar stools being given away by the auction house for $60– total, not each). It doesn’t matter. In the end you will have extreme clarity about what is important.

    My X Asshat does not haunt my new home and he will never set foot here. This is healing.

    • Wow, IC, you are MIGHTY!

      As far as I know, my X never brought women to MY house. His main AP lives in France, and they hooked up primarily at conferences…though I think he probably fucked her in HER bed, since she was “kind” enough to offer her extra bedroom whenever he was there for a conference. What a gal. She has no use for my flyover state, which is fine by me. People like her can stay far, far away.

      Still, I replaced the mattress ASAP, destroyed anything that remotely reminded me of him/her, and am still in the process of rebuilding. I love my house, and want to infuse it with my love, not his betrayal. Walls are getting a fresh coat of paint, repairs are being made that HE could somehow never get around to, being sooooo busy.

      I understand why people would want to move, and completely start over. I get it. In my case, I love my house…especially without him in it.

      • I don’t think my ex brought his skank to my current house, but I love my house and especially without him in it. And what’s so, so nice…, my son tells me that the dick said, “Your mom got everything.” He ENVIES the fact that I got the house. It’s actually quite a nice house with an unimpeded view of the mountains in my backyard visible from the swimming pool and hot tub. And…, he had to sell his really nice house because he continued to spend stupidly (without my income) and he and the skank are moving into a mobile home in a retirement park. I have nothing against trailers. When I was 19 and getting out on my own I also lived in a trailer park, but at 62 years of age and after years of living a very nice life (he’s a retired Lt. Col.), to have to move into a trailer park?! Wow!! I can’t help but laugh! It’s actually quite nice to hear how it still irks him that I got the house. And even though it doesn’t make sense to pay off the house as fast as possible (because I can make more money investing than paying down the mortgage), I actually WANT to pay it off soonest because I know that our son will tell him, “Mom paid off the house.”

        • THIS is a big reason I dumped everything. My X is a jealous, petulant, constantly-comparing dick. He would certainly play sad sausage and crow to everyone how I took him to the cleaners because I kept the house and furnishings. Yes, he abandoned me after 28 years while I was out of town and sent me an e-mail as my only notice, but according to him he thought he was OWED and would loved to have used the house as a way to say “see how awful she is, I even let that huge house go because I just couldn’t stand her anymore.” I refused to give him anything to harbor against me after what he did. In my opinion his destruction needed to be completed and converted to a clean slate for me.

          As it turned out I ended up with 94% of the value of the house. His retirement accounts were more than mine and he didn’t want to crack into them so we used the debt free house to cover the gap. I ended up with plenty to pay cash for a smaller house and to retire at age 50.

          He ended up with a pittance of cash and a stupid whore half his age.

          But I am sure he would say that it was worth it.

        • I love this story. I’m also not knocking trailer parks or mobile home communities, but when you had a nice home with mountain views, pool, etc. and now you are living in a mobile home retirement community, I mean c’mon the Lt. Col. has to be just a little ticked off. These guys are usually all about the prestige. I’m guessing the OW isn’t too happy either.

      • I am very grateful though that I had financial resources and grown children when I was mugged by that lying cheater. I shudder to read stories of SAHMs and those with little ones having to navigate this, and men who have to watch their miserable cheating wives play house with and have their children raised by some loathsome AP uncle-daddy. They have my sincere sympathy and I reflect often that it could have been so much worse. If this is the Pain Olympics I agree I don’t belong on the podium.

        Even with my advantages there was nothing nice about it. He ruined our family and devastated our lives. My adult daughters are emotionally damaged and do not trust men. He destroyed everything and skipped off to humiliate me with a foreign ho-worker sparkletwat. And he told me it was all my fault.

        Sometimes the best I can say about it all is, “It could have been worse.” That is enough to keep me going forward.

        • Now I.C.,

          I am really happy for you (about getting a reasonable share of assets)!

          I am writing from the other end of the ‘asset’ spectrum. I am sharing a two-bedroom apartment with a roommate and my two kids. I get the floor of my kids’ room. In my fifties, I am unemployed and have a spinal injury. I have never owned a home. Rent in this very expensive part of the world which I cannot leave without possibly giving up the kids went up, but alimony disappeared. I am so distraught by these and many other events (e.g., deaths in the family, parenting a child with special needs), that I am struggling to do things I need to get a permanent family-sustaining job. I used to score at 99th percentile on graduate entrance exams and easily pass professional exams that most college grads fail. Now, due to exhaustion and stress, I can’t ‘pass’ even basic pre-job assessment tests to get a (seasonal minimum-wage) job or other jobs. I am trying every legal, ethical avenue I can think of to secure gainful employment, even unpaid ’employment’–to get experience to eventually get paid. Don’t think that I have enough experience in anything to support my family on self-employment. Also too worried, depressed, and exhausted to start and sustain my own business. I hope, for my kids’ sakes, that my kids will graduate from high school before I get to the point in which I will not be able to afford any shelter. And my fairly wealthy ex still harasses me, years after leaving me, saying that I am not successful because I want to fail. WTH? I have thought about, if anyone would have me, becoming a nanny, a farm laborer, or maybe a sweat shop worker after my kids are ‘grown’ to secure shelter. I am open to feasible ideas to escape this downward spiral (nightmare).

        • Could’ve been worse for me too. I also feel so bad for chumps who have so many obstacles to overcome. But it’s not the pain olympics. Your pain is just as valid as anyone else’s 😥

  • Before the Internet, I would be alone with all this crap, feeling shattered and crazy, unless I knew someone personally to whom this had happened.

    I was thinking about this yesterday and can’t thank CL and CN enough. You are the lifeboat after the Titanic sank. Without you I don’t know where I would be, but I know it would NOT be good.

    ❤️ to all of you.

    • I remember in the early days being completely distraught and not wanting to get out of bed, scouring the internet for some kind of sense of it all and I found this site… what an eye opener. It was just the kick in the ass I needed to ween myself off the rose colored glasses and see my cheating wife for who she really is. I remember feeling relieved after finding CL and CN

      • Me too, CL and CN saved me. Thanks to all of you!!!

        The clarity, sympathy and support are invaluable. I find my strength here, every day. CL and CN put me back on my feet. Thanks to you all I’m here for my kids and for myself. This is magnificent.

        There is this wonderful paragraph at the end of CL’s book, with this sentence “Your heart was forged in a blast furnace. You’ve got this”. It’s powerful. We are the solution.

    • I can’t agree more! My best friend was just telling me if I redecorate my house then I will feel like it’s my home. I don’t feel that way at all, in fact, I spend my time outside the house as much as possible because I feel yucky inside staying in a place that holds memories of my farce marriage and life. I know it’s inside me to feel better but I’m looking forward to selling my house as soon as I can so I can begin some truly healthy living again inside my home. I’m thinking this will bring me closer to happiness.thank you for validating my thoughts. I thought I was the only one who felt this way too!xo sweet

    • Oh Velvet, well said! I know that Chump Lady saved my life and Chump Nation makes living easier. I call you all my invisible friends. I am so grateful for the support and love I find here.

  • I think they like to
    a) know that they have been naughty in a space that was meant to be safe for you and your marriage.
    b) watch you living in said space without knowing what’s going on…stupid you.

    Both of these reasons are meant to make them feel superior to you, which to me is hilarious. They think that being a liar and having an affair is “superior” to a person that loves honestly and is faithful. LOL Such idiots.

  • This is a great response, Chump Lady! Please include this in your new book.

    My soon-to-be-ex-wife and I bought a house that needed renovations, and we spent five years and hundreds of thousands of dollars making them. I spent so much time working with contractors, picking up supplies all over town, resolving disputes with contractors, working from home during critical parts of projects and doing tons of work myself. The home became absolutely beautiful, and I thought it was a wonderful place for me, my wife and our three children to live and grow up together.

    And then, D-Day hit. My family thought I was crazy for wanting out of the home because of all of the work that I had done, and they didn’t think my ex deserved something I had worked so hard to complete. But I just didn’t want to continue living in a haunted and polluted space. One late summer afternoon when my ex was off with her affair partner, the windows in the house were open, the breeze was blowing through the house, and my kids were playing happily. I could hear my older daughter’s parakeet chirping, our dogs were wrestling with one another, and I should have been happy despite everything. But I felt horrible because I was also surrounded by reminders of my ex in that house, and consumed with thoughts about where she and her affair partner had been intimate in our home. I didn’t feel safe. It was at that moment that I realized I needed a major change and physically out of that house if I wanted to heal.

    And so I have, and I’m healing. I’m building the new life I need and deserve for me and my kids.

    • BeardBoy, I did much the same with our house but since my husband was in Switzerland during the week for 10 years, it didn’t take much to exorcise him from the house. I am not letting him take the 20% of my life that hasn’t been destroyed yet.

      However, I went to the “nest” in Switzerland that I put together for him during our reconciliation phase. He had our old bed where our child was conceived. I said “Please don’t tell me your love child was conceived there too.” He put on a huge grin as if he was extremely pleased with himself. Then I looked at my side of the bed and he had a photo of the love child framed there. Couldn’t even take it down or move it for my visit. Not a single photo of me or my daughter. Sick!

      Everything in the place was bought on our family holidays from places like Bali, Oman, India, Iraq, etc. I would have tried to get them back but not anymore since his gloating about siring children. He even went so far as to ask me to remind him how many miscarriages I had so he could determine how fertile he was. Who does that? Firstly, the miscarriages were traumatic so why did he not remember? And what is he trying to prove by impregnating women? I despair.

      • Please don’t despair. You got rid of a hugely monstrous dick. And yes, he is sick. Only sick people do those things. His ugly comment about your miscarriages were intended to hurt you. I’m so sorry for your pain, but I am so glad he’s not in your life again. Blessings to you.

      • Wombatmom, I’m so sorry you were married to such a dick. How callous can someone be???? If he’s in Geneva please let me know so I can avoid him like the plague!!!!

  • Reincarnated, I got the house and I SOLD it! I used to love it, but after D-Day it made me feel stupid. Not healthy.

    I also sold every single damn thing in the house that came from sparkledick’s family. (Well, I kept two things that sparkles’s aunt, who hated my cheater FIL’s guts, gave to ME because she liked me).

    After the house, the first thing to go was my MIL’s old Singer sewing machine with cast iron legs. Ironically sold to a cheater colleague decorating a love nest with his classless flatterfuck. That little revenge tasted so good.

    In my new life most of the time nothing reminds me of fuckwit, but every now and then something does come my ways that reminds of how cold and calculating he was. And it is awful and makes a pothole on the road to meh. So get rid of anything that reminds you of fuckwit. Out of sight, out of mind.

  • Dear Reincarnated,

    Soon after my D-day last January, I demanded that my husband and I sell our house and move away. We lived in a town of only 2,000 people, including the AP, and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to handle the daily reminders of my husband’s 3-year affair. Including the house that we built together and loved. So we sold the house as a couple, moved away, and started therapy. My RIC experience was awful, and after 9 months of torture, I filed for divorce. So here’s my advice: Get a lawyer, file for divorce, and get out of that house. Unless you’re attached to it for some reason, then get him out of that house. My husband refused to leave our house, even temporarily, and there was nothing I could do! So I left and stayed with a friend until we sold. Whatever you do, take care of yourself. Stay close to your social network, lean on your friends and family – they will surprise you with their love and support. And keep reading ChumpLady.

    I got a pretty good settlement, and I am now building a new house as a way of rebuilding my life. On my own. It is scary, but I am an optimist, and I am free! Living without a narcissist is actually quite fun!

    You can do this!

    Wishing you the best,

    Paralyzed No More

  • My X tried everything she could to force a sale of our house after DD. This despite our two sons still at home. I could not stop it, so it went on the market just as a recession hit. We could not sell it. Then she wanted what turned out to be a “wreck concilliation”. Finally she allowed me to buy her out at market price.(low)
    My sons and I demolished the interior and reworked all the bedroom and bathroom walls. Even squeezed in a nice bathroom. Completely re-arranged the master bedroom with lots of built-ins and closets.
    She was nowhere to be found in this house now!
    A few years later I remarried and my new wife moved in to a sparkling remodel.
    Alas, family circumstances changed and we sold the house and moved to her little house in Napa. By this point I did not miss the old family home. I looked at the remodeling work as therapy and now I was better. (And I pocketed $250k since she sold it!)
    Now I have a cute little house in the wine country with lots of fruit trees with room for dogs and grand babies to play on the grass!

  • The problem here is that he used your home, while he was married to you. I get that. It’s not jealousy. It’s not wanting Pavlovian response. See an object and think of them in bed.

    But what about the current guy feeling very jealous of an ex, to whom is in the past and you were not cheating? Or a cheater who gets very jealous of your new boyfriend, after the divorce and after cheater cheated on you for years. I’m not talking about being a teeny jealous of a cute neighbor. I’m talking about ‘ morbid jealousy’ a psychological term where the jealousy turns into toxic behaviors, stalking, aggression, constantly wanting to talk about the ex, throwing away gifts… can even occur with the jilted affair partner (fatal attraction and the astronaut who drove in diapers). Another weird behavior of those who have huge insecurities.

    Does chumplady have any thoughts on morbid jealousy of cheaters, chumps, or affair partners.

    Another reason why going ‘no contact’ is important.

    • Morbid jealousy is a sign that someone has major problems. “Jealousy” is a natural response to someone taking what is your and giving it away. (It’s different than “envy,” which is about wanting something that someone else has. It’s normal to be jealous if your significant other is flirting with other people and ignoring you. That’s your warning system speaking up to get your attention. Envy is about comparing yourself to others and wanting what they have–making yourself discontent through comparison.)

      I think “morbid jealousy” is a misleading term. What you are talking about is possessiveness, wanting to control other people, wanting control OVER other people. That’s a sign to get away, fast. To RUN.

  • Our marital home I built with my own hands, no builder. It was a 2000 sq ft custom home. Ex did very little on it as he “was always working” lol. When I found out about whore he threatened, stalked, harassed until the police told me “situations like this end badly and I should leave”. But the day after I left he moved whore in. They slept in our bed on our sheets, blankets, etc. I gave birth to our daughter in that bed. I painted every wall and laid every tile. Ex didn’t care and has no remorse for what he did. Pretty sure he is a narc or psychopath. These people are some Sick F******! I managed to keep my grandmothers china as it was mine before marriage. From our marital possessions I have 2 great girls and photos of them; that’s what I left with that night. He had to pay me out of the house in mediation. I started over fresh and everything I have almost 3 years later is better than anything I left behind that night.
    Let the house go and start fresh or it will bother you, free yourself to live a happy life.

  • Seconded.
    CL’s straight up “get out” message, and her lucid explanations of cheater behavior and tactics, gave me the perspective and tools needed to salvage my self respect and reboot my life.
    CN’s collective wisdom, experience, and advice helps me every day–and that means practically, too. Thanks to all the Silver Queens who counseled me to let my ex buy me out of the house. That was absolutely the right thing to do!

  • I know exactly the same happened to me it’s disgusting, nearly 3 years since DDAY and it’s still painful but I’m slowly crawling back to normal. These types of women are desperate. Now the bag of shit us trying to Hoover me back in. NO THANKS!

  • I remember reading a passage by Sarah Ben breathnach In one of her Oprah BC Abundance books about how something was wrong in her house. She couldn’t keep it clean and it’s like it had a bad spirit. Soon enough, she discovered her spouse was having an affair and brought the women to the house. Well, something similar happened to me. I came home and my house from a trip and my house seemed weird. Like there was a throw out of place like something evil had made themselves at home on my couch. Sure enough, it wasn’t long before I found out there was another woman. A skank from his office. So I do subscribe to houses getting tainted this way. I grew sage do I dried some and then burned it to cleanse my house. I do this every new year to start fresh.

    • That’s my Winter solstice ritual. I burn sage and do a house blessing; I make a tray of things–the sage, some small evergreen cuttings, some fresh lavender, a candle, maybe an artifact of some sort–and smudge and bless every room. Whether permitting, I walk the perimeter with salt and bless the land.

  • So many (bad) memories when I read today’s article. I’d like to think that she didn’t physically cheat on me w/in the home, but I also have to remember that she cheated on me by texting, calling, and having that emotional affair w/him while inside that home.

    As much as I wanted to stay in the home to keep the stability for my 2 teen girls who were going through an emotional rollercoaster, I also realized that the house would have dragged me down over time when realizing that the bad memories were outweighing the many good memories established in that house (we bought it as the first homeowner, and the children grew in it). And realistically, because I live in Cali and specifically the Bay Area, cashing her out from the house after the divorce and putting a bigger financial burden on me to keep paying for a higher-mortgaged house was not feasible. So, the house was sold.

    • My advice to my friends is to liquidate and take as much asset in cash. Especially houses. So you played that smart for sure.

      • Hella sucks, eh? She cheated, she turned my children and my life upside down, and my children and I are made to suffer while she walks away w/half of the assets. #karmaisabitch, she’ll get hers one day.

        • It beyond sucks !!
          My ex had the nerve to tell me the kids aren’t affected. Me and the kids lost only home they ever knew; when we left for safety issues. We lived in a rent house for 18 months; bought a house a year ago. So they moved 3 times in 18 months. They were home schooled; now in the public school system and 2 different schools. It’s amazing what they will justify. They just blowup you and the kids world and walk away like it never mattered. Like you weren’t even a person. Like they had a right to treat you like that. The legal system is useless. Hoping Karma hits all the ex’s here- mine is so dumb not sure he would notice it hit him. I hope your teen girls are recovering. My oldest is about to be a teen! I hope you can move forward and start a new home.

  • Can I ask a question regarding this topic

    See if the OW/OM comes in to your home knowing it’s the marital home would this mean the AP has narcissist traits aswell ?

    Like absolutely no empathy cause I’ve been thinking about this because IMO you would have to have no empathy or just simply not give a shit to be able to do it . I’m maybe looking to much into it and the AP just thinks they are super duper special and nothing like this would EVER happen to them .

    • They just want what you have. They don’t realize their cheater didn’t really create the family and the home. That is you. My ex took his AP on the same vacations we went on. Took the trips I planned. Even wore the same wedding bands (those clottah rings) – and faked being married. They delude themselves with coveting and jealousy.

      • That’s really interesting Thanks Trudy

        I’ve never thought she wanted what I had as I’ve never had much of anything but I’ve always been content with my lot in life .

        Well now she’s got it !!

    • I think you’re right karenb. In the initial fog after D-Day, I did a background check on the OW. I called both of the ex-husbands that she had cheated on and talked to both of them (separately) for quite a while. It was somehow therapeutic. The first one she cheated on 20 years prior and finally divorced, the second one she cheated on five years prior (with my Douche ex) and got divorced three years before D-Day. Yeah, I think narcissist. To cement my disgust, the second one showed me e-mails between OW and my Douche ex, which were just smarmy. So yeah I think they think they are super duper special. I think the plan was to divorce me without me ever finding out. HA! Think again, Douche. Think again, Smarmy. Did he bring her to our house? I only have 2 data points that I can think of. 1. Douche pitched a fit that was way out of proportion when I bought security cameras to install in the home, because I wanted some peace of mind for those many nights that he was “away for work” and I was home alone with a child. Um, step aside Douche and pitch your fit over there while I install these cameras. 2. After my daughter had a prom sleepover with a bunch of her high school girlfriends in the basement, I went down there and found a bra behind the couch while cleaning up the basement, and some panties in the shrubs by the pool. I figured the girls went skinny dipping. I washed the bra and panties, set them on a counter and took a picture of them, and sent the picture to all the girls and their moms – please claim, these don’t look cheap! No one claimed them. Maybe they were just embarrassed? I don’t know how you find out for sure.

  • OMG, where was this site when all of this was happening to me?? I bought into the RIC, and lived with the “dissociated monster” for 3 years. I actually found pictures of men he brought into the house and tied up on our bed before having sex with them and STILL stayed with him. WTF?? I found out about so much more, completely horrible things he did, and continued to do, even though he said he wasn’t. And still I stayed. Until I couldn’t. I left with a month’s notice, and let him stay in the house, since he had soiled everything in it. I was so traumatized I still can’t understand how I managed to get my shit together and leave.

    No one I talked to recommended counseling for ME, just couples counseling (didn’t work, obviously, because…. sociopath, and the counselor was very “let’s think about the roles you both played here… WTAF is that? How on earth did I have a role in his choice of behaviors? That counselor should have their license revoked). No one I talked to recommended that I get the most aggressive lawyer I could find (“you should work things out, I KNOW he loves you”…so I got one that specialized in amicable, cooperative divorces- total waste of time and money, he got half of everything in the end).

    3 years of separation and court orders, and my divorce has been final for a little over a year. Mostly I am Meh, but I think I’ve minimized the impact living with his level of sickness had on me. Reading this post brought it all back. I don’t know if I will ever allow myself to be that vulnerable with someone ever again. I am very glad I didn’t stay in the house. I also am glad I moved out of state, so I’m not surrounded by reminders of how little he thought of me and our marriage. I’m so sorry to hear that the OP has a spouse who is as disrespectful to her as mine was to me. The only way to stop that is to show people what happens if they treat you that way. We only get treated how we allow others to treat us. Don’t allow it. Leave the house, leave the town, or state if you need to.

    • GrandeDame, I hope you are working with a good therapist. The best thing you can do is confront how abusive it is to live with such a whacko freak and how that abuse has impacted your memories and your thinking and your emotions. You can work on learning to trust yourself and learning how to be vulnerable without being victimized.

  • This happened to me as well so I know exactly how you feel which is violated . Your home is your safe space. When he left his emails up I learned she would hold up my big pregnancy panties in my home and laugh at me. I tell you what I did and that’s I went to a lawyer on a Monday. I found out that Friday. And I kicked him out , threw out the bed and yard saled everything and started over in my home without him. Ten years later I am happily remarried to a fellow chump whose wife left him with his best friend

    • Even more than the sex, what bothered me was how Jackass and the MOW could bond by talking about ME behind my back. The idea that a tramp would be pawing through your underwear drawer and making fun of you….ugh. That’s just horrific.

  • I never could understand why anyone would want to stay in the house that they once shared with the fuckwit. Too many memories for me, I could not wait to sell and get everything new yes, I got EVERYTHING new. I lived with my sister for a year and a half and saved every penny so I could start over, and it was fun buying what I wanted and of course living in my new place that he has never seen nor stepped in and never will!

    Fuckwit moved into the OW house that she shared with her husband for over 10 years, that is too weird in my opinion. He took furniture from our house that HE GAVE ME. SOB!

    • I stayed in “My house”. He didn’t want it, but during wreckonciliation (and after nearly divorcing his ass), he decided to placate me and get the house that I wanted. All the furniture throughout the years was ‘my’ furniture. He agreed to buy what I wanted. And so I don’t look at the stuff as things that I ‘shared’ with the dick. They were all what I wanted stylistically speaking for my home that I had been planning for my golden years. They’re nice things and though he was there, he’s not now. And like Daffy Duck says, “They’re mine! They’re mine!! They’re all mine!!” And the dick is in a trailer!

  • I bought fuckwit out of the house as I was desperate to keep it. The house is nothing special but the view is fabulous. I back on to farmland which can’t be built on and then have an unimpeded view of the mountains, so I really wanted to keep it. Also, my neighbours are fabulous and I feel so safe living here as a single woman. The Twat took all the bedroom furniture so I replaced the flooring and bought new bedroom furniture (cheap and cheerful) and tomorrow I have new flooring being put in throughout the downstairs. I love it here but I remember him saying one time that he would buy me out and move the skank in and I was horrified. She wasn’t getting MY house, MY view and MY neighbours. I also wanted my kids to stay in the only home they ever remembered. So little by little I have updated the place and made it mine. BUT the best thing I did was re-do my external balcony and put in a side gate to block access to the back garden. It used to be open but now no-one can walk round the back (the Twat used to just come up to the house when he felt like it even when we were divorced and the house belonged to me). Putting that gate in symbolically changed everything.

    • Attie, Hello Boundaries. I’m so glad you kept the house, the views, the great neighbors! Sounds like you got rid of the trash and the place is feeling great.

    • Attie – In many ways, I feel the same way about having kept my home, although I completely understand people who wouldn’t want to keep the marital home at all.

      Just weeks before my ex-husband left for good, he stood in the living room and looked around. Then, he said, “I don’t even feel any attachment to this house. There is nothing here that reflects me.”

      And, that sums up so much. For 11.5 years of living together in that house, he never really did take any ownership of it. I used to get frustrated with him about his lack of pride of ownership. Most of the renovation work was initiated by me. I remember when our basement was gutted and re-done. My father did almost all the work with my ex helping him out. I was so excited at being able to design a new floor plan, and I envisioned a man-cave for my husband and an entertainment space for our family and friend gatherings. I thought he would be excited by the bar that was installed. Felt bad that there would be a support post in the line of vision between the bar and tv that would block him and his friends from seeing the tv well from the bar. I even had an area for a future poker table for him.

      He never cared. He never took ownership of the bar, decking it out with his own paraphernalia. I think he only ever had friends for poker 2-3 times ever. I would ask him why he was always going elsewhere without reciprocating with having his friends over to his place. His answer was always, “I don’t know. I guess I just grew up used to always going to my friends’ houses to avoid my parents.” Then, he would be prompted to have his buddies over.

      So, I see the house as mine. Filled with me and the kids. It is another way in which my ex-husband never really fully invested in the vision of our life together in marriage. He couldn’t even really make the house his home. Even now, almost two years later, he’s renting a townhouse that he hasn’t really made a home. Never painted my daughter’s room purple like he initially told her he would. Hasn’t added anything to the place. He pretty much lives with the OW in her townhouse on the days he’s not with the kids. But, not sure how that place can feel personal to him. She’s got three kids in a townhouse and a home business running from the basement.

      No attachments. But, I love the house where my children were born, on my quiet street, backing on to forest with a large lot. Can’t wait for the new deck I’ll be building in the spring and hold my first big BBQ since the separation.

  • During the discovery process and all the questions and answers, I learned that she had not only been in my home, but had sex with him in my home, while I (and our son) were there sleeping. She came to my home regularly in the middle of the night and had sex downstairs in our den on the ugly area rug he had picked out and I had always hated. Yes, the wedding pictures were actually hung above the mantel, just above them – which I had not even thought about until CL mentioned it.
    After finding out, and him leaving, I went and purchased the sharpest carpet cutting tool I could find. I kept it in a safe place until I knew the moment I needed to use it. And it came. A flood of anger and rage, and all the other emotions, and I took that carpet tool and cut that damn thing into teeny tiny little pieces. I contemplated stuffing it in his beloved smoker and lighting it on fire, but decided that I had exerted enough of my energy.
    The most difficult part of all of this whole entire thing was trying to understand how he could bring her into our home, while I and our son were actually there, and be ok with it. How?
    I never again felt safe in that house. Even selling it and getting the entire profit doesn’t quite make up for the level of disrespect, disregard and ultimate betrayal that I lived. And now, very soon, I will have to face the fact that my young son will be spending time with her when he visits his father. The next phase of emotions is coming. I need another area rug.

  • burn the motherfucker down and start over.

    I needed to hear this today. The divorce from hell has lasted 2 years, with negotiations that started before that. I was such a chump. Tried to handle it fairly, and to make it as painless as possible. Narcissists do not understand that concept, because they don’t have any idea or concern if their actions cause pain. They only know “what’s in it for me.”

    Burn. it. down.

    Thank you, CL.

  • These people are disordered freaks.

    Divorcing my freak who did the same thing. So absolutely disgusting. These people get off on these disgusting escapades, and it absolutely makes no sense to me.

  • My ex freak would meet up with his whore in our camper,which he put in a trailer park near her home, while we were still married. She even left some alcoholic beverages in my fridge, which he made up some lie about. I was still on the hopium pipe at the time. Camper is now sold.

    As for pictures, he took none, but I heard through my kids that his whore wondered why he had no photos of his kids. Shortly after that, I got a request for some photos of the kids. #impression management, #soul less idiot.

  • On the bed, this was in an apartment and a fold-away. I folded it and shoved it out the window to the alley, and a dumpster.

    A friend of mine, while her husband and father to their two children was away on a weekend with his AP-student; she spent the weekend painting every wall in the house bright blood red. Took forever to spackle (literally) over that. He got the house, eventually, but now (years later) she has a property in Estes Park in the mountains, and a loving second husband. All worked out, but took time. Oh, and me, I have a big queen pillow top which is mine to share if I want to (currently with my cats!)

  • I love my home and there’s no way those pieces of shit were going to ruin that. I kept the home and decorated it to my preferences. It’s lovely and peaceful, and a solid investment. Also, I wasn’t in any position emotionally to deal with a move when I found out about his cheating, and my neighbours have been great in the aftermath.

    Whatever you decide to do with your home, make the space yours, enjoy it and find new peace in your surroundings.

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