Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

UBT: “Blowing up the Marriage to Improve the Marriage”

blowupA submission here from “Deaun” to the Universal Bullshit Translator that was too fucked up to pass over.

According to my counselor [the affair] was a subconscious way of blowing up our marriage to improve it. It was physiological, my brain enjoyed the dopamine.

I’m assuming from the “my brain enjoyed the dopamine” Deaun is the cheater here? If so, I give him props for submitting his therapist’s get-out-of-remorse-free bullshit. On the other hand, there’s enough therapy quackery that I wouldn’t be entirely shocked if some asshole counselor told a chump that no, they secretly enjoyed their betrayal. Subconsciously of course. You can’t prove shit if it’s subconscious.

But more likely what we’re dealing with here are two tenets of the Reconciliation Industrial Complex that always need debunking —

1.) Affairs improve marriages.

2.) Affairs are addictive.

According to my counselor [the affair] was a subconscious way of blowing up our marriage to improve it.

Okay, for your next therapy appointment I’d like you to bring a bucket of tar and pour it all over your therapist’s office. If he complains, tell him you were just destroying his office in order to improve it. And hey, that was an ugly sofa anyway.

If he gets upset, tell him your urge to pour a bucket of tar all over his office was subconscious. I’m super sorry it resulted in actual damage to his office, but hey, subterranean urges — what can you do? Heck, we probably evolved to have them.

Shrug. Don’t apologize.

It was physiological, my brain enjoyed the dopamine.

My brain enjoys dopamine too. Especially the dopamine that is released when I eat German Christmas cookies. Put me around a plate of lebkuchen and I cannot be responsible for my actions. I fucking LOVE lebkuchen.

We’re dealing with a dopamine high here. If those cookies did not want to be eaten, then they shouldn’t have looked so alluring with their green and red sprinkles. Should I stop eating lebkuchen and fit into my pants? Let me ask you something — do you think carrot sticks release dopamine? Or lunge squats? Or those sugar-free protein bars that taste like glue and cat litter? NO. NO DOPAMINE.

I DESERVE my feel-good lebkuchen high. Fuck the cost! Fuck my pants!

My lebkuchen cravings are physiological.

And they’re probably subconscious too. Excuse me, I have to end this column now. I hear the cookies calling me.

This column ran previously. Subconsciously. 

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I heard that idiocy too. “Marriages can not only withstand an affair, it can make them better!” Ours should have been fantastic after multiple affairs. Along with other ridiculous statements like how I could control the idiot’s psychotic behavior, I finally saw the light and gave up marriage therapy and started working on me.

  • Can we tar and feather Perel and the rest of her ilk while we’re having fantasies?

  • Chump lady was excellent
    Cheaters don’t like responsibility. Who does. Who gets to be the grown up.
    Cheaters who wants to tar and feather them, pretending of course.

  • By this same logic I can destroy the Fuckwit just like I do in my dreams “to make him better”. But this would be a crime. My subconscious will never have peace. /s

    The RIC really needs to rethink some of this garbage or just STFU and GTFO.

  • The RIC community is so trash. I can’t stomach their “rationalizations”. I’d rather be alone than deal with this BS. Why does RIC think cheaters are entitled access to anyone’s life, wallet, bed, or heart?

  • Out of the mouth of my now EX senior minister ” you have every right to divorce. BUT, we would counsel you to stay married because we have seen wives face far worse than you and stick it out and now they are blessed in their marriages more then they could have ever thought possible”
    This guy thought he could fix my husband from being a cheating closeted gay man. When I divorced him the church leaders helped him groom another wife to support the narrative. Six years on from D’day and sadly my ex MIL passed away before Chirstmas, at her funeral I realised that my EX has not changed. The new wife was not benefiting from any spiritual reno job like he convinced everyone when they got together nine months after we separated. Is it wrong that this actually brought me closure?

    • “Is it wrong that this actually brought me closure?”

      Of course not. It confirms what you suspected.

    • As the ex-wife of a closeted man, I am glad you got your closure. It’s not wrong to want validation and closure, it’s just not usually possible to get it. You did, and I say again, I’m glad you did.

    • Some Christian Churches are really messed up when it comes to ministering to abused women. I got a pass from my church, as infidelity is a Biblical justification for divorce. (No real support, no meal train for me, but to be fair I did not ask for support or advice. Just a big silence.) However, I am very disturbed how my church is treating my good friend who is divorcing an abusive husband. She tells me that she heard much the same in counseling from our church for years — basically shut up and stay, quit exaggerating, he hasn’t put you in the hospital. You need to stay in bad marriage so that he can see Christ through you. Where are the exhortations to the husbands to “love your wife as Christ loves the Church”?

      This seems so wrong to me.

      • I have seen this from the inside. My wife and I ran DivorceCare groups in churches for years. At first we were in a church that pulled the kind of crap Discarded Wife describes. We pulled out of there and joined a church that was rational about divorce and started again. We would get the spiritual refugees from other churches in town. The stories were atrocious. Invariably, the woman would be asked to make the sacrifice for Team Jesus and try to work it out with the abusive husband. The other variation on this is take in the poor, fallen divorced woman, but get her married right away. Usually to the ne’-er-do-well son of a deacon they are trying to reform from his porn habit.
        A church can be very supportive during divorce, but just like therapists, they can be nuts too.

        • Just the women? With so many betrayed men, I wonder if they got the same advice. I know a shitload of betrayed men. Not as much support out there for the, but it is getting better.
          Many of the books and articles I read use, pretty much, the female pronoun for the betrayed. That just sucks.

      • Seems like a REAL shitty place to spend your time and energy (and maybe even money). Can you leave?

    • My false ex-Pastor was spending his “private Bible Study” time with my Pastor-in-Training STBX husband living vicariously through him as husband would actually tell him about his sex-capades with his ho-worker nurses. I was vocal about his cheating, I couldn’t keep it in. The False Pastor told everyone that I was lying about the cheating and all but one couple believed him. It all destroyed my faith. 9 years later and I am still on meds to keep my PTSD from crushing me. Jesus Cheaters and their ilk are as evil as they come. It’s bad enough when someone purposely destroys the lives of others. When they do it while claiming that God is on their side, it is beyond detestable.

  • Right at the time he was perched to flee and begin a life with Susan of Seattle, he said that “our marriage will only survive if we break it completely then put it back together later”…like abandonment and cheating was a logical step in an admirable process.

    What crap. The lies they tell themselves to soothe cognitive dissonance…and the RIC goes along with it.

    • Mine said, in a lofty way, something similar, along the lines of “This has allowed the walls between us to come down, and broken the barriers between us.” Then he expected me to live in the rubble.

    • unicornomore

      “The lies they tell themselves to soothe cognitive dissonance”

      Bells just rang in my head! Very annoying to think the more one lies, the better able to sail through life emotionally unscathed. Now I understand why my Ex is an emotional mannequin. I’ve known him since 1983 & I saw him cry once, right after DDay #1, when I really thought he was truly remorseful. Now I realize he was afraid that I was going to leave……and I wish I had in 2012 when I had the upper hand. CL is so right about RIC and pick-me dancing–leave when you can on your terms.

      FYI–Mine is Susan of Traverse City.

      • “The lies they tell themselves to soothe cognitive dissonance”

        The latest and greatest from the ex, the gift that keeps on giving. Soothing cognitive dissonance extraordiaire.

        1) After having supported him through three years of university to earn a degree full-time towards the end of the marriage and when he started cheating, I just learned that he’s been saying that he put himself through school. I guess I had nothing to do with it. So, how does he rationalize that claim? Well, he continued to do some part-time consulting work while in school so that he was attempting to earn enough to cover his tuition (I paid for everything else including ensuring that contributions contributed to his retirement savings fund). He actually ended up not earning enough to cover tuition the last year. So, he uses that “fancy accounting” to claim that he put himself through school all because of the number of people who have said to him that they can’t believe what he did after I supported him through school.

        2) He now admits that “what I did during the marriage was wrong.” However, “the relationship [with the OW whom he was having an affair for about 20 months during our marriage] that he has now is perfectly acceptable because we’re not together anymore.

        Ummm…ok. That’s a lot of convenient compartmentalization. Glad you can now sleep well at night buddy.

  • This has been messing with my mind too. I understand that we are in charge of our destiny etc etc, And I get how that can be empowering, but I struggle when I’m supposed to call myself responsible for his affair…
    I am responsible for not loving myself enough. I am responsible for not recognizing my co-dependency. But did I make him have an affair my the sheer power of my thinking alone?! Arghh, my brain hurts.

    • You’re not responsible for the affair. That’s what these words are designed to do, confuse and turn your brain inside out.

      It didn’t matter how much you loved yourself or if you were co-dependent or any of that other shit. If you had the power to make someone do something, it wouldn’t be cheating, it would be to love you forever.

      • CorgiLove and TheDoug, After my first divorce (1993) – (he had a girlfriend for two years and our daughters knew), I joined a “Divorce Recovery” group for spouses at various stages of separation and impending (or not) divorces. One of the first stupid, not-helpful FACTS taught by less-than-qualified, hurting spouses, was that YOU HAD to take 50% responsibility for your part of your spouses infidelity, the separation, and the divorce. I was crushed, starting my first year of teaching at age 42, and forced to divorce after 24 years together with two preteens. Much less wise than now (age 69), I responded that I would ONLY take 49% of the responsibility for his SHIT SHOW. I was not online in ’93 and there was no CL or CN. My stance of only 49% was a courageous statement of defiance in this innocent, semi-brainwashed “Recovery” group. Of course now 26 years later, I take NO responsibility for my second husband’s cheating abuse. I GOT NOTHIN’ TO DO WITH HIS CHOICES!!! Please NEVER take ANY blame for their cheating and lying. Me? – Never going back to 49%. Moral – You are not together because he cheated! (or she). You = 0% Cheater = 100% And, CHEATING AIN’T NO SYMPTOM OF NOTHIN’ !!! Peace and Hugs.

        • I hear you loud and clear. I struggled with this garbage since the first time my ex cheated on me 6 years ago up until nine months ago wen she did it again. It’s blame shifting and an easy way to justify the bullshit.

          I took the same stance you did, I’m a great human and great dad and I’m a living lesson to my kids that you don’t have to take responsibility for a dumpster fire I didn’t start.

          Thanks for your words, you and the rest of the people here have truly given me the strength to look in the mirror and love what I see.

          • You are not responsible for HER CHOICES.

            If anyone tries to tell you differently, give them the following scenario: If your friend decided to shoot up heroin, and died from an overdose, are you responsible for your friend’s death? Are you responsible for their decision to do drugs? The answer is no, no you are not responsible for your friend’s choices. And I am not responsible for someone else’s life choices, either.

            Only cheaters and smug people who think it will never happen to them blame the chump.
            Stay away from those people, they are toxic.

        • That 50/50 deal is bullshit. You have a spouse capable of lying, cheating, gaslighting, with poor self control, poor communication ability,poor problem solving ability etc. THINK APERSON LIKKE THAT MAY HAVE CAUSED MOST OF THE MARITAL ISSUES??

      • After 13 years of marriage, after helping him financially in every aspect of life , and after helping him make our dream of building a beautiful house come true. I was in a lot of debt since I spent over $400,000 on the house. I had to keep on working overseas to help to pay my debt and pay the other additions we did in our backyard; a pool, a nice pavilion, and a beautiful waterfall. He moved back to Texas to live in our house acting as if he’s madly in love with me; calling me saying the words I wanted to hear like : you are the best thing that happen to me , I want to grow old with you, I can’t believe some stupid men sacrifice a beautiful relationship for a crazy fling, blah blah blah. I believed him and for the last 4 years I kept working, sending him money. I forgot to mention that he never stayed in one job more than two years tops. Every summer, I spent 3 months with him in Texas and 3 weeks in the winter. I thought he was the most faithful man on this planet, trusted and believed him. Last year, all of sudden I learned about his many adventures with many many women throughout those 4 years he spent in Texas enjoying my money. The saddest thing is that the last woman he has been screwing, he made her his real woman. She spent weekends in my house, slept on my beautiful furniture, did everything in my house acting like she owned my husband and my house. I found out he even took her with him all over the States playing baseball knowing that some of his teammates know me personally and know that we are still married!!!!! Obviously this did not bother him. I also found that the woman he was screwing is Mexican who lives in a ghetto and some of her family members are involved in drugs. Needless to say that the last 5 months have been nothing but hell for me. I lost a lot of weight and started having health problems. He was and still is denying everything saying either you prove it or get over it. When I was able to prove his infidelity by God’s Grace. He stopped saying: prove it; he says now: you need to get over it !!!! Do not you people think that a person like this is Nothing but an Oxygen thief ??? One last thing, I have a very tough lawyer now who is dealing with him.

  • If someone could subconsciously caused an affair, one could subconsciously stop an affair from happening couldn’t they?

  • Losing both legs has motivated some people to run marathons after having sat on the couch their entire life but you don’t see anyone getting their legs amputated on purpose.

    • I really like this comment a lot. People don’t get their legs amputated on purpose if they’re normal. My MIL had a lot of unnecessary surgeries to get pain medication because she’s addicted to opiates. Knee replacements are good for getting you heavy medications. Carpal tunnel surgery? Back surgery. Injuring herself on purpose to get medications.

      • Now THAT is a serious addiction! Incredible what people are willing to do to avoid pain.

  • Can you imagine if this line of reasoning was used by a school principal? Especially to a parent of a young child who was bullied, stolen from and struck?

    “The emotional bullying will make your daughter a stronger, more resilient person!”
    “It will teach her how to stand up for herself!”
    “She is going to have to learn to fight back!”
    “I’m know the bully feels terrible about the incident. He/she told me so earlier today.”
    “Here, they wrote an apology.”
    “If your daughter would only STOP behaviors that make her a target….”

    I am HAPPY to report that even though thirty years ago, the above statements would have been made by a school administrator, the narrative has changed about bully/abuse in school. Edit: I know some new admin might try this, but zero tolerance is the new normal for addressing bullying. We are looking at the problem from a different perspective.

    Funny, in some context or another, every ONE of these rationals was made to me about my chumpdom.
    Let’s hope we can change the narrative for chumps in the future!

    • I like your comment! Sadly the school system is pretty naive to bullying -My daughter is 13 and talks about it. Luckily she is not the bully or being bullied in school. I figure the RIC accept the logic, because the court system does. I have showed multiple attorneys the emotional abuse, attempt to alienate and bullying her father uses against her and me. I keep getting told- You can take him to court at the cost of $2500 and he will possibly get a slap on the wrist and It won’t stop him. He has violated probably 90% of our parenting plan and divorce decree. Then I get told she will be fine. It will make her tough. Everyone suffers in one way or another. Society wants to accept this so bad can be considered good. Only hurts if you are the chump or person with a conscience the rest need someone to blame.

    • Under no circumstance am I saying that the bullying does not happen, it still does, but the policy behind the discipline has completely changed. From the top down.

      I hope someday, people change their attitude the abuse an affair can pose to the family.

  • And the Worm (AKA- Apple Flinger) used to beat the crap out of me to teach me a lesson, improve my behavior……What a crock of horse shit.

  • My husband got on the “affairs can make marriages stronger” bandwagon back in August. We weren’t even in therapy so I’m not really sure where he got that bit of info to feed me.This was right around the time he asked if we could have a legal separation instead of a divorce (no). The entire time this was going on his skanky girlfriend was telling people that they had been engaged since March. So his comments to me are now filed under “he was feeding me garbage in an attempt to con me into something.” He’s always got an angle to scam someone into giving him money. Or drugs. Or a place to stay. It’s all about him. He’s a user.

    She’s not getting someone who respects her either. She’s knowingly signing up for a bad ride with a guy she knows is a serial cheater. Apparently she thinks that she’s super special. I thought that too. She’s a user too. They will use each other until a better deal comes along. Or his mother’s money runs out of money, because three addicts living in mommy’s one bedroom condo is a recipe for success, right?

    My therapist does feel that cheating can become an addiction. The dopamine high. I agree with her based on my experience with my husband, the addict. My therapist DID NOT, however, suggest that it is an excuse for his behavior, or that I should stay, or wait until he gets his act together. She deals with addicts and until there is a character change and hard work, nothing will get better and I’m better out of the picture for good. He can do that healing on his own dime. But it made sense. It also helped me realize that it really isn’t anything personal. The high he got comes when he’s sneaking around on me, doing something he knows to be wrong. Now that I’m out of the picture, he’s going to have to find someone else to cheat with on his “fiancee” to sustain that high. Because drugs alone apparently were not enough for him. He had to add the danger of getting caught. She got a bad deal, and I am finally getting free of my co dependent nightmare. Couldn’t wish it upon a more deserving person.

  • I don’t believe that anyone, no matter their educational degree, their profession, or their personal experience-will EVER be able to convince me that when someone does something to cause me to lose trust in them-that THAT is my opportunity to build a STRONGER trust with them. NEVER.

    There are people out there-friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, future spouses-who DESERVE our trust.

    These people WANT to be in our lives.

    Don’t waste time with those who do not deserve your love and attention.

    When you weed out those who are not worthy and surround yourself with those who ARE-You’ll never go back to that previous insanity.

    • I completely agree. What I do now is TRUST but verify. If you show me something untrustworthy then I know you will always do this and it is my choice to leave the situation. Xo sweet

  • Reminds me of a text the X Asshat send to younger DD24: “I had to tear some things down to hopefully find a happier place for myself.”

    Whether he realizes it or not he admitted he blew up his family on a hope. So he could maybe find happiness. That he had torn everything down. That he had signed us all up for a shit ton of voluntary trauma because he wanted to do some self-actualization and get what he wanted.

    DD24 replied that she hoped it was worth it. I do believe he would say it was.

    He is not at all concerned with the scorched earth he left behind– he hasn’t felt the pain yet of not being involved in his daughters’ lives nor knowing his future grandchildren. Who knows, maybe even then he will have convinced himself that the horrible bitter bitches he calls “daughter” are just not worth knowing at all if they refuse to get behind his fantasy.

  • When I was in the middle of the my 13 month “pick me” dance, my ex actually expressed to me in utter despair that being with the OW was like heroine. “I know that she’s no good for me and that no good can come of this, but the euphoria I feel when I’m with her is like a drug. When I’m not with her, all I can think about is how to be with her again.”

    So he eventually left me to enter into the heroin den and shot himself up all he wants.

    I do believe that the dopamine highs of an affair can make a person driven to compulsive behaviour to want to cheat. But it is not the cause for cheating. You can’t blame it on the “high”. It’s not the alcohol or the drug that makes a person an addict, it’s deep rooted problems that they struggle to cope with and then seek escape from it in unhealthy ways.

    My ex-husband has something wrong with his personality, his lack of identity, a weak moral conscience and immature character. In viewing his emails with this OW from the secret email account I discovered as he was leaving, it’s astonishing how immature these two adults are with one another. Absolutely clueless about the ethics of what they are doing. His lovebombing of her is desperate and obsessive, and this 40 year old woman is eating it up.

    They are not wired properly, and there is no way I made that happen.

  • For grins n giggles Join me in a ‘reality to RIC code word’ exercise. I’m starting with only three because my blood serum caffeine levels are not yet normalized ????
    Add your own observations/translation.

    First word is a definitive noun/verb/ adjective that projects true meaning in itself. You know- the ugly term.

    Second word is the sugar coated deflection used by ‘the counselor/lawyer/spiritual guide’.
    Adulterer ▶️ Cheater
    Indifferent abandonment ▶️ Limerence
    Pawns ♟ ▶️ children

    The Number One principle in the Sales and Marketing game is…
    “Their Perception is their Reality”.

    You might be interested to know that the 43 cents a can, Cha-Ching brand of peas are manufactured in the same facility as the much higher priced, Internationally recognized (advertised) brand.

    See how this works?

    • Abuse- marital discord
      STD- unfortunate medical complications
      Abandonment- lifestyle change
      Porn- sex positive erotic enhancement
      Hookers- sex positive sexual surrogates
      Narcissism- positive self regard
      Sociopathy- exuberant defiance

      I could go on all day. Great idea!

      • Not sure I got this, but:

        HoWorker = Good Catholic Girl affair partner
        Damaged Children = Kids are resilient
        Screwed financially = SAHM
        Slavish trust = Constantly taking one for the team
        Addicted = Not my fault
        Slutty sex costumes = dish rags

        • For what it’s worth, I’m getting screwed financially and I brought home every cent in that house for over a decade.

          In Canada, you can stay at home, fuck the neighborhood, have 50% custody of the kids and let your ex chumpy husband pay you handsomely for the trouble.

          • For what it’s worth, you can get financially screwed in America & I was the SAHM.

            I use to let the financial disparity of my divorce occupy all of my headspace. It’s taken time and hard work, but letting go of my anger is getting me to meh. Focusing on what I have has helped.

            There are no winners in divorce, but now I’m in charge of writing my best life chapter.

  • I legit have ADHD and take medication for it. Oddly enough, I’ve never resorted to cheating on anyone to score a dopamine hit. Heaven knows I need them.

  • Here’s a funny. My wife was cheating on me with a mutual friend I’ll refer to as Joe. During marriage counseling and post-DD conversations she said to me on several occasions “Joe said the affair may improve our marriage.” Unbelievable.

    • My husband said skank says blah blah blah about the kids. “She was giving me advice.” The skank who doesn’t have custody of her one child who is under 18. probably because skank is a heroin addict. She has 2 other adult children. She is so not qualified to give parenting advice.

  • I’m pretty sure punching our cheaters in the face (one punch for every day the affair went on) would have both given us dopamine hits and adjusted their spoiled, entitled attitudes. So it would therefore improve the marriage. You can’t expect us to deal with a cretin punching addiction all by ourselves, either. That shit is powerful!

    So why do you suppose we didn’t do that?
    Because, thankfully, we aren’t monstrously selfish twatwaffles like Deaun.
    If he had a therapist who informed him he was just a monstrously selfish twatwaffle instead of giving him a psychoanalytic blowjob, that might improve his attitude as well.

    • I would have loved to have taken a few whacks at CheaterX.

      I didn’t, but not because I didn’t want to. It was more because 1) I know it wouldn’t truly help and 2) it would hurt because assault charges are nontrivial and 3) it would screw up my long-term plan to get him to agree to a favorable settlement.

      Understanding consequences is part of adulting. At some level, you know that the dopamine high is fleeting and can even create negative consequences.

      • The day I found out my husband allowed his affair partner to spend the day with him and the kids was the day I temporarily lost my mind. I thought she had been out of the picture for a good five months by that point. He had convinced me that they only met a couple of times to talk, that she was a good listener and that he had simply helped her create some spreadsheets to help her track her finances. He was the one that suggested marriage counselling. I was hopeful that we could “be stronger” from this.

        Then he suggested that he take the kids away for the weekend for daddy time. I had done so several times myself with the kids previously in order to give him quiet weekends to prepare for exams while he was studying full-time at university. And, while away, he pulled this stunt. It was insanity that he believed he could get away with it.

        When the kids came home and told me about this lady, calling her by some some nickname, I pulled up a picture of her on the internet for confirmation. I called my husband back to the house as he had left for some reason. I went outside as he pulled into the driveway, and before he was even fully out of the car, I started beating him.

        I have never hit a person in my life. Never been in a major argument with a person in my life. I work in education, teach courses of social justice, have walked in peace marches. It was a blinding light of rage that this man would do this to our children. I don’t even remember half of what I said other than “What kind of man are you?” “Why would you do this to our kids?” “How do you go to church on Sundays?” “You need to explain yourself to your parents.”

        He took it all, even when he was on the ground. Then, a relative of mine showed up and took me and the kids over to her house for the night.

        Thank God he didn’t call the police. But, he did go crawling to the OW’s house for the night. She tried to talk him into having me arrested. He defended me. Told her that I am not that kind of person normally, yet she couldn’t understand why I would have such a reaction about my kids (tells you what kind of person she is as she only had 25% access to her own kids at the time).

        I was mortified. Thought something was wrong with me and that I was the one who needed help. I started my litany of apologies – to him, to his family, to my neighbours who saw what I did. And, you know, not a single one of them held it against me. In fact, even his own parents said, “I hope you hit him hard.” Even my counsellor didn’t make a big deal about it when I though there was going to be all kinds of red flags.

        Now, I’m completely aware of the gender-bias in all of this. If I were a man, I would have been arrested and probably would have lost custody of my children. It’s not fair.

        Did I get a dopamine rush from this (or maybe just a lot of adrenaline)? You bet I did. And, now that several years have gone by and I’ve learned the truth of the extent of what my ex-husband did, I don’t feel so bad that I did it. But the rush didn’t make me want to keep on doing it. I didn’t crave it for my own happiness. I didn’t need to continue doing it in order to meet my needs.

        Instead, I still hung in there for another six months of the pick me dance, twisting myself inside out to “make the home a place where he wants to be.” You know, I’m glad a pounded on him. I would never do it again, and if I were to do it over I probably would have chosen a different reaction. But, for every punch I threw, not a single one held a candle to the trauma that man caused for those years of lies and the damage of the manipulation of keeping me hanging on by a thread while he lived his double life.

        Yet, I could never have charged for any of that.

        • You were just dang lucky that you didn’t have charges pressed against you. I’m glad that you got away with it, but i hope others DON’T try the same. I was petrified that my email of outrage to the skank would cause her to go to the police. I could have lost my job. I actually sent the skank an email apologizing for my outburst and went completely no contact. No contact not only saved my sanity but my career.

  • At the end of the day, the Wisdom of Deaun tells me…that I really need to pivot from the Linzer and the Lemon Butter and learn the ways of the Lebkuchen. For the CL Realm!

  • Affairs are addictive, but that’s a duh!
    Cheaters are addicted to kibbles, one way or another (but preferably both, and more).

  • “…sugar-free protein bars that taste like glue and cat litter” Too funny! So true. Now I know why I hate those things!

  • OMG. Tracy you make me laugh out loud all the time! When are your going on stage? Seriously. Stand up comedy should also be on your radar screen. You are just hysterical!

    Tar the office! Do carrots have dopamine? OMG. You are brilliant!

  • From an ex-chump perspective, cheating can improve a marriage if you’re into feeding the corpses of the cheater and AP into a wood chipper………

  • That’s like saying that embezzling from your company will improve it’s security protocols. Or burning down your house will test your smoke detectors. Duh. Some therapists make money by NOT telling people the truth. By stringing them along and validating their abuse of others.

  • >
    %d bloggers like this: