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Apologize to Your Cheater, Says RIC Quack

In my inbox this morning was a note from the publicist of Andrew G. Marshall, British “therapist”.

Hello Tracy,

I saw your article about infidelity “7 Idiotic Things Cheaters Say, and How to Respond” and wanted to share with you the exclusive interview with the UK’s most famous relationships therapist Andrew G. Marshall who reveals all the reasons why people cheat and how to deal with infidelity

The interview will give you many professional insights from a perspective of 30 years working with people who are dealing with marital and relationship problems.

Let me know if you are interested in this. I will be glad to help.

Have a nice day,

Suzana J***
PR & Content Marketing Manager

Oh Suzana, how could I forget Andrew Marshall!

I fed his misogynistic crap through the Universal Bullshit Translator in 2014 for running an article on how women could win back their cheating husbands by apologizing to them.

I read your new article, thank you. And have linked to it on my very popular site, so consider your work done. All attention is good attention, as the narcissists say. (Kibbles!)

Andrew Marshall seems to have softened his tone, and scrubbed his delightfully weird old website — was it something I said, Andrew? or is it the #MeToo zeitgeist? Maybe Make Love Like a Prairie Vole isn’t a blockbuster? — but he’s still the same ol’ RIC quack he’s always been.

Per your article — we can’t generalize about cheaters. But chumps?

However, if you are prepared to look deeply into yourself, learn from this experience, grow and change, there is a very high chance of your partner taking you back.

Good to know we’re a sure thing.

I’ve rerun my UBT of Andrew G. Marshall below. Perhaps Mr. Marshall has looked deeply into himself, learned from the chump-blame experience, grown and changed.


If people ever think I made up the Reconciliation Industrial Complex, that it’s a wee bit overstated, consider this misogynist piece of crap running today in the Daily Mail. “Want to win back a cheating husband? You must first eat humble pie,” says “respected” marriage therapist Andrew G. Marshall. (The “G” must stand for gaslighting.)

The Daily Mail tells us this is the “most unexpected” marital advice we’ll ever receive! Oh I doubt that, Daily Mail. This is really just a slightly more unvarnished bit of the same ol’ same ol’. How chumps need to make the marriage a good place to be. How our inadequacies drive people to cheat on us. And how gee, it may seem hopeless, but if we just up our kibble game, we can WIN A CHEATER BACK! (Second prize — an all-expenses paid trip to Darfur! Third prize — a lifetime supply of rancid meat!)

So what do you got, Andrew? Lay it on me.

Here, I show how, with a bit of honesty and several servings of humble pie, women can begin the process of reviving the most unsalvageable marriage and win back the love of a cheating man.

Oh yum. Humble pie. Tastes distinctly of shit sandwich to me, but when you dress it up like pie that sounds so much nicer. I can make people — even really despicable people who are abusing me — LOVE me? And you’ll sell me the secret? Tell me more Andrew!

The first step towards recovery needs you to commit to change. And while you’ve probably said you are sorry a million times before to keep the peace, have you made a full apology? This is one that acknowledges your unhelpful behaviour (eg taking him for granted), accepts your responsibility (you’ve been so wrapped up in the children you’ve forgotten to be a wife as well as a mother), expresses sorrow and a determination to change, and is sincere.

So it WAS me all along? It wasn’t blameshifting? Goshdarnit, I’m the problem? You’re entirely correct that I never made a full apology to my cheater for paying off his debts, and financing his career move, and marrying him in front of assembled friends and family, all the while he was cheating on me. Yes, I was unhelpful, it’s true. When he threatened to kill me, those protection from abuse orders really fucked with his job security. Did I forget to be a wife? I was only a wife for six months when the mistress called, so I must’ve really sucked at that wife thing. She predated my relationship with him by about 20 years, so apparently I was sucking at wife and motherhood back in my teens. But I’ll work on my sorrow about that, Andrew. And my sincerity. I promise.

In particular, do you need to apologise for nagging, a habit that could be destroying your relationship?

“Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths,” said Baroness Summerkill. Did I speak unpalatable truths to him sometimes, such as “YOU’RE A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR!” and did I insinuate that he needed to stop that? Yes. Yes, I’m guilty of that. The truth did destroy my relationship. That’s on me.

Acknowledge that it must make him feel constantly criticised. Promise not to nag again and that he should say something if he catches you doing it. Though it is tempting to add an explanation for your nagging, it can sound as if you’re excusing yourself and therefore lessens the power of your apology.

Ultimately, if your husband thinks you spend the majority of your time complaining, nagging or getting angry, he will feel that all the joy has been sucked out of your relationship.

Well here you’re really on to something, Andrew. My ex-husband DID complain that I was angry, and that’s why he wasn’t sorry about his cheating. It was my anger — my anger at his cheating… that made him cheat. Um, that’s still confusing to me, but I don’t want to sound like I’m excusing myself, or lessening the power of my apologies for being angry. I own that was angry. Like gut him with a fish knife angry. Or stick-his-head-on-a-pike-for-the-village-to-see angry. Or implode into a state of paralzyed depression angry. I only did the last one, but I thought about the other two.

My cheater however was everything you said he should be, Andrew. Every time I nagged him (stated unpalatable truths), by God, he caught me at it and spoke up. He said shit like:

  1. You should be medicated. I’m okay with that.
  2. How can I be sorry when I feel defensive?
  3. You need a beating.

I know he said these things, because I wrote them all down to remind myself to leave him. I didn’t have the benefit of your wisdom back then, Andrew, to wit:

Don’t ban contact with the other woman.

You write that women need to “stop being so controlling” because then “he’ll feel distrusted.” Yeah, I know it’s crazy, but I don’t trust people who cheat on me. And my spouse having side dish fucks brings out the edgy bitch in me. I get all high maintenance and demanding when that happens. But it could be the PMS too. You know how we edgy bitches get. Never know what’s going to set our hormones off.

Don’t complain if he moves in with her.

Yeah, I didn’t get to try that.

Meet her yourself!

Or that either.

Andrew, for years I wondered why he was such an asshole. Why he felt the need to cheat on me. But today you explained it to me in a way that makes total sense… if I’d had a lobotomy.

“Why has he fallen out of love with you? You put the children first… Your sex life has lost its spark.”

I didn’t have a kid with him, and we had a lot of sex. He was never not cheating on me, as it turned out, so apparently my sex life must’ve lost it’s spark around date #4 or something. I don’t know. If sex was so dull and lifeless, why did he ask me to marry him? Can that be his fault?

If your husband feels that you don’t love him, he can start to feel entitled to look elsewhere.

Yeah, turns out he was never NOT looking elsewhere. But I guess I never told him just how much I cared.

One partner – probably your husband – is feeling ignored, a second-class  citizen in his own home.

Only probably your husband? Are you sure about that? I think you think it’s my ex-husband that was feeling like a second-class citizen. But Andrew, I assure you if there was any sitting on the back of the bus, gender apartheid going on — it was me folding that bastard’s underwear, and cooking his dinners, and not questioning his spendthrift habits. He got the bigger cuts of meat, the best parking place, and sex when he wanted it.

But I didn’t cheat on him. So WTF Andrew?

You mustn’t panic. This is the worst thing you can do. More marriages end because of a wife’s panic than a husband’s determination to leave.

Now you tell me! I could’ve made that creep leave if I’d panicked? I couldn’t get him to leave me the fuck alone! Instead I was all strong and stiff-upper-lippy and left him on the sly. But if I’d lost my shit more dramatically, he would’ve been more determined to leave me? Good to know, Andrew. Women’s panic ends marriages. Not infidelity, folks. Panic.

So who is this Andrew G. Marshall? Apparently he has no educational credentials whatsoever, his therapy education being reduced to time spent at some charitable organization called “RELATE.” Yeah Andrew, and I’m a “journalist,” because I print flyers and stick them under people’s windshields.

I don’t think Andrew G. Marshall is real. I think he is an elaborate bit of performance art. Consider the evidence. He’s inflicted his books on the public in 15 different languages, one of which is “Make Love Like a Prairie Vole: Six steps to passionate and plentiful sex.

And he’s a self-described playwright, author of such famous works as “Coffee Cantata based on the music of JS Bach which toured coffee shops in West Sussex.”

The coffee shops of West Sussex! Christ, that’s as good as La Scala. This has to be satire, right? He’s having us on, or taking the piss as you Brits say.

And can this picture be for real? Andrew G. Marshall looks like Voldemort with British dentistry. If I were to play armchair shrink, which I can because Andrew does too, I’d peg him for a malignant narcissist. A pathetic megalomaniac who can’t get laid, Prairie Vole-style or otherwise, so he has to blame women. For their anger, and not loving him enough, and their stupid, big mouths. 

Idiot publishers give him a voice, because he taps into the infidelity zeitgeist, which isn’t radical but the same old blame the victim shit that’s been around forever.

Somebody please keep in him the coffee shops of West Sussex and out of the newspapers. The world doesn’t need any more cheater apologists.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • You made me laugh
    My ex was told he was excellent in bed, apparently she must have a sense of humour, shame about sti’s. Andrew says actually cheaters are people pleases, shame my ex only pleased alcoholics and drug addicts.
    Andrew has wrote a load if books, maybe he should read his own books, incidentally I haven’t read his books.
    A message to Andrew, ow didn’t want her kids, why get pregnant again. Explain that one, also was drunk, stoned, had sti whilst pregnant ask him to explain that one.

    • My ex is a people pleaser too. He pleases himself. Only himself. Which counts because he’s one of the people, innit?

    • When I was wading through the misery and confusion of the “ILYBINILWY” speech from my XW I came across his book by the same name. I also read the one titled “My wife doesn’t love me any more”. It’s useless information but when you are in that much pain you will accept any glimmer of hope.

      The book that helped me regain my sanity is CL’s “leave a cheater, gain a life”. I listened to the audio version about 12 times.

  • Andrew
    I was nauseous reading this insulting article. All I have to say is “Fuck Off Andrew”

  • Well what a load of crap this is on that link

    How do those who are cheating mostly feel afterwards? Guilty, ashamed, judged? Or, simply free?

    Very few people feel free. They feel the guilt, the shame and horror of what has been around and what has been risked. They realize that their families could split up

    I have yet to hear of a cheater who feels any guilt or shame ( mine never ) if they could feel these emotions then they would not have had an affair to start with .

    They KNOW if they get found out there is a very high % that they will loose their family but they still go ahead and do it any way ( Hence no guilt or shame )

    I’ve also read through the archives enough here to know that many chumps are beyond kind to try and give their cheater more than 1 chance to get that thrown back in their faces ( again guilt and shame a cheater has none )

    • ANDREW G. MARSHALL: [Writes article.]

      CHUMPS THE WORLD OVER: [Eyes dart around for the crew of ‘Hidden Camera’.]

  • I am so ashamed. I need to look up that burglar who climbed in my window in 2003 and stole us blind.

    How will I ever live with myself for having baubles and having window locks than could be jimmied?

    JIMMY PROOF YOUR WINDOWS. Make your townhouse a place that a burglar feels comfortable.

    Stop. Don’t. Come back. We have Rokus. And laptops now. I have your favorite beer in the refrigerator!

    • Tracy Shorn-

      You are a bad ass mother fucker.

      You’ve got balls the size of whale sharks.

      The G. O .A. T

      The only sane, steady voice crying out in the wilderness when we are soul raped and shivering in the dark.

      • ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

        I wish we could have an International “Chump Lady Day” to honor you, Tracy.

        • Well, why not?? What day shall we pick? ???? Chump Nation is legion and so very mighty, let’s just declare one!

            • Any tuesday this year. Either in the months of July for freedom, or December because cheaters always fuck up the holidays. We can take back Christmas!!

              We need a written proclamation. We need to start a thread in the forum. I think We would all be on board with Tuesday Tracy day.

        • Let’s do it MotherChumper99!

          I remember your first posts.
          And, I have followed you along this bumpy, dirty, rough ride, and I have rejoiced with you at the end of your road to become Mighty. As have many many Chumps here! Many have become Mighty!
          Mighty, because of CL. Day in, day out, she is here for every Chump.
          Like, take this piece of shit in today’s topic, Andrew POS, who could care about one fucking word he says. Look at the sneer on his face. Who would ever want to pull up a seat and sit down beside him and bear one’ s soul. Right, not one of us Chumps here.
          He is NOT our kind of people! Period.End.Of.Story.

          So, back to your topic, MotherChumper, and you are a MotherChumper, let’s all bug Tracy to let us have a day where we can thank her and honour her.
          Wink wink nod, lik how about this Friday CL.
          How about it?!
          ( Chumps please put the pressure on)
          Tempest, Rebecca, are you reading, could you twist her arm?
          Whether CL agrees or not, to a day where we can reach out to her, still, I love you ALL, to the moon and back to CN!

        • This last response was to ArtistFormallyKnownAsChump, BlueSnowbelle and LovedAJackass

  • I promise you he’s not famous or respected and the Daily Mail is a rancid, nasty newspaper. How is this fool on a payroll of any kind.

    I found this description on the internet from 2004: “I prefer to call it a racist, sexist, slanderous, homophobic, unprofessional, sensationalist Hitler fanzine. They are “morally outraged” by just about everything. Calls itself the only newpaper that stands up for what it believes in (aka. talks bullshit).”

    So there you go, whats their motive to printing this? I thinks it shows conspiracies must exist because someone put effort into printing this trash – Why?

    • Yeah The Daily Mail is a total rag….the British equivalent of The National Enquirer! Anything in there is guaranteed to be full of shit and clickbait.

    • Midlife – its all part of a hidden agenda (in plain sight), to push decent people to the edge of insanity (and they hope, over it) leaving the remaining population mostly made up of soulless, amoral narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths and plain old lying, cheating, thieving jerks. (NB Not a conspiracy theory, a conspiracy fact 😉

    • Sounds like the New York Post. Best use is paper to wipe one’s bum in the outhouse. Why clog up the indoor plumbing !

  • Geez oh man, tell me this eejit’s not for real. In all his puffed up self-promotion (and his “all in his own mind” expertise) he sounds a bit like Gladitsover’s ex. Seems to think the sun shines out of his own arsehole! And that self-satisfied smirk? Tell me that’s the best picture he could find of himself! And “fight” for my ex by pandering to his every whim while wearing a French maid’s outfit? Nah, thanks. I’ll pass. NOBODY is worth that!

    • I did an image search. All his photos are pretty much equally awful. He doesn’t smile, he just grimaces or smirks. My fave is the very obviously posed one with his dog. “Look what a sensitive guy I am. I have a dog!”
      A tosser, as the Brits would say.

      Either the people in his office are having a laugh at his expense or he wants CL to think he’s grown and changed himself, and asked for this comparatively less noxious interview to be sent to her.
      Kibbles from CL herself! Yum yum!
      But alas, she was not impressed. ????

  • I would like to hear his point of view on the wife cheating on the husband. Would it still be the husband’s fault that the wife cheated? Or, would he blame the cheating wife and shame her for cheating?? This man is a piece of work. He is basically telling women to suck it up take the abuse. Make sure the man is happy at all costs.
    My husband blamed me for his affair with my cousin. I was not fun. I did not want to go anywhere. I bitched a lot. But, he forgot that he verbally abused me for years. When we would go away I would be insulted. He would say things like”only a person like you would think that”, “No one likes you not even your daughter”. He financially abused me as well. He sucked the soul right out of me. When I became depressed and refused to go anywhere with him. He used that against me as an excuse to cheat. But, I am sure Andrew would have told me to take the blame for being abused and apologize. Now Andrew is every women’s dream. Not.

    • I can totally relate. My ex always said the same stuff about not going anywhere, exact wording, even the insults some were way worse. It was because it was always what he wanted to do. He’s gone and I am out from under his verbal and financial abuse, Me and the kids are having the time of our lives when they are with me. We have been to New York, had tea at the plaza. We flew to Chicago to go to the American girl store. Went to La for the week. We try new restaurants and adventures. I wasn’t what he said-I was a victim of his endless chores and bull crap. Now we are survivors!

  • Just yesterday I was writing the story of my marriage for divorce mediation next week. The part that stood out most for me was
    writing that just weeks after DDay the prostitute f—-ker attended a treatment facility for sex addiction. The conversation we had when he returned placed all the blame on me for all of the reasons listed above. I immediately changed the complaint for legal separation to divorce.
    I don’t accept any blame for his hobby. I tried for about a minute to help him but realized that it was useless. For more than three years he has revealed who he really is. No contact, No contact is the right way to live.

  • Damn, I just clicked on the link to his article. In that photo clinging to the chair he looks like he just lifted his leg to let one rip! And also, as the “UK’s best known” whatever – never heard of him. Again, “in his own mind”!

  • Hey. The advice about how you mustn’t panic is good advice.
    Something you should should put on the cover of your next book.
    Inscribed in large, friendly letters.
    As some sort of guide to this galaxy, or something.

  • Coming soon from Andrew G(asbag) Marshall

    – “Treat Him Like a Hairy Mole: Six steps to devalue and discard.”
    – “Dump Him For a Scary Troll: Six steps to trading down in exchange for cake.”

  • I think his publicist saw the amount of traffic you get on here and thought what a wonderful way to get some publicity. Bad publicity is better than no publicity and you have millions of hits. I hope not one person reads his article or anything about him. All of these “counting machines“ hidden behind the curtain keep up with how many hits he gets and how much money he can make. They are now gleefully rubbing their hands together because he’s gotten his name onto your blog again. His readership must be down. Money, money, money. He is sickening and so is his publicist.

    • ^^^Yeah, this. Don’t click on the links, and don’t Google this freak. On the internet the meanest thing you can do to someone is go no contact.

  • WTeverlivingF, Andrew?!!

    Even more scary than his advice, is the disturbing truth that some people have followed it.

    Praying they find Chump Lady and CN instead.

  • Dear Andrew,

    Take my successful life editing advice.

    When purging your home of trash, do NOT go through the bag a second time.

    Take it IMMEDIATELY to the Goodwill.

    You’re welcome.

    I’ll bet Andrew is a hoarder and has a crumbling rubber toilet plunger from 1947 that he can’t throw away because it belonged to his dear departed mum.

    Win a cheater back?!! No thanks. I won when he left.

  • This guy can’t be for real. With each piece you translated I was like, “somebody actually thought that, wrote it down and went, yup… I’m gunna publish this?” Guy is cracked right out.

    And he looks like the type that hides body parts under floor boards.

  • Why do I have this OVERWHELMING need to watch, “Leave it to Beaver” reruns?

    Oh, yes-now I know: because Sir Marshall must be living in a 1950’s fantasy world where women don’t work outside the home, wear pearls and pumps all day long while cooking, shopping and cleaning. Then have the kids fed, bathed and in bed with a hot meal, a stiff cocktail, slippers and a pipe waiting all before their Master arrives home from a hard day of doing the secretary…..

  • WTF, I can’t even read this without feeling the need to vomit. Yet, this was ME after I found out about my husband’s activities. I bought into the “shared responsibility” crap. I stopped all socializing, sold everything that took me “away” from him, emptied my 401K to keep us in a house, so that I could WIN HIM BACK.
    He kept cheating.
    What was it I wanted to save again?

    • I bought into it too and dammit, I apologized to the Dickhead for not being the type of wife he needed. Water under the bridge. At what point is the cheating spouse supposed to look inward and wonder how they could cheat on their spouse and betray the trust between two people?

      I couldn’t even finish reading. Makes me sick that he expects the chump to swallow the hurt and pain to make the cheat feel better.

  • P.S.
    This man looks like he sits at the pub alone eavesdropping on other blokes who bitch/brag about their relationships.

    The last time he saw a vagina was when his mother was birthing him….

    • You are correct regarding the lack of contact with lady parts. He is openly gay.

      • Which explains the whole ‘monogamish’ thing.

        Let your freak flag fly by all means, Andrew, but there are some of us who prefer a definition of fidelity that involves being faithful.

  • Being honest and humble with lying, entitled narcissists is a guaranteed way to “win” more abuse.

  • Ahhh, yes. My marriage counselor told me I couldn’t expect him to stop seeing his Schmoopie cold turkey. I needed to have patience! Me! Yes. I needed to change and have patience.

    The only satisfaction I got was when I finally wised up and dumped his sorry ass that the marriage counselor sent me an apology letter for how she’d treated me.

    I suspect that sparkle-dick himself had the marriage counselor wrapped around his little finger. Maybe he was sleeping with her too, I don’t know.

    • They do Cold Turkey just fine when ditching their family….

      At least the therapist apologized.

      • Exactly. There was no need to gradually disengage. Just “yay! kibbles!”

        I was surprised she apologized.

  • I need to confess I’ve been listening to “Get your ex back” videos on youtube, but ONLY the one’s which clearly articulate that no contact is a behavior which helps me. Wish there were similar videos for chumps. Can that be a Friday topic?

      • Why do I listen to no contact videos? Moral support. Why do I wish it could be a Friday topic? To gets CN approved resources for no contact support. I need to listen to something to get to sleep or talk myself off the ledge

        • Please stop watching the “get your ex back” videos and start watching the “get away and live a healthy life for yourself” videos out there.

          Search for NarcAway and Stephanie Lyn Coaching on YouTube. Both have tremendous libraries of videos that will give you the support that you need. I started watching their videos shortly after d-day and lightbulbs immediately went off in my head… they get it!

          It’s straightforward advice from people who have lived it, got out, moved on and are thriving! Good luck and hugs to you, Lemonhead

        • If your ex is a narcissist, listen to Little Shaman on her podcast or YouTube videos. Between CL, the book Psycopath Free, and Little Shaman, they saved me from drowning.

          I have no kids with the Dickhead, and I am Zero Contact since September 2018. I blocked him on all social media, blocked the OW and also most of his family. I blocked and deleted his phone number. The only way to reach is through email because we still jointly own the vehicles.

          Your ex lost the right to be in any part of your life.

  • Toxic people always feel entitled to give unsolicited advice to others. They feel they are superior, regardless of their (lack of ) education, experience, or facts. They are full of “you should.”

    It is similar, but even more annoying, to childless people giving parenting advice. My oldest son had ADHD, just like his father. I did not know what that was, until I started investigating it based on a suggestion from his pediatrician. The more I studied, the more I understood his actions, and his father’s actions. It turns out that he could be effectively treated by medication and specific therapies, and he has grown into a successful man. But that did not save me from strangers who knew nothing about his issue or our home life offering advice which never even rose to the value of toilet paper.

    Unless you see a person trying to beat a child into submission with a 2 by 4, or chaining a pet outside, and leaving no shelter, food or water, or someone trying to shoot another person or run over them with a car, my advice is mind your own business. Keep that unsolicited advice to yourself. Call the police, if a life is in danger.

    Like CL, I entertained elaborate punishments for my cheaters. It was Revenge Fantasy, and usually it would be so ridiculous I would end up laughing at myself. It was a way to reduce stress. If I had acted upon any of it, I would have been arrested, and rightly so. Sometimes my children would push me to the edge of madness and despair. It was very hard to cling to the edge and pull myself together, and walk away until I could clear my anger and think logical thoughts. Bad actions can cause emotional reactions, and words can be said that you later regret. I apologized to my children for saying things in anger I really did not mean. I never apologized to my ex’s, because even if my words might have crossed a line, my anger paled when compared to their actions. They were adults who chose to do things they knew were outside the boundaries of acceptable behavior. My children were children, and usually underestimated the potential danger or stupidity of their actions. My children needed to understand the purpose of a true apology, and know that everyone can make mistakes. The real issue is recognizing the mistake, and correcting the behavior, and taking responsibility for words said or actions done.
    My ex’s never took responsibility, never corrected behaviors, sometimes offered worthless apologies to buy time to continue to get kibbles from me while continuing to do whatever they wanted to do. They did not deserve an apology. They deserved a Revenge Fantasy, but I chose not to go to jail, because they certainly were not worth that.

    • I was thinking about revenge fantasy today, and what it really would be like. One of my ex’s actually died, and so I could wish for him to be in Hell, but it wouldn’t be conventional Hell. It would be especially constructed just for him and address all of his actions in life.

      First he would have to get up early and actually go to work, every day. He could not quit. He could never be the boss. He would be told about every error, and they would be numerous, in front of all the other employees — all his cronies, and all of the other women he ever lied to since high school to infinity, and his entire family. They would get to hear, first hand, how wonderful he was not. They could add observations. He would finally know what it was like to work, and have an unpleasant boss, and to have to do it every day with no way to quit.

      Then as he worked he could see a thermometer type graphic of how much he earned, in terms of money, housing, utilities, food, and cars. But before the end of the day, another employee would come along and transfer all his hard earned rewards for working into their account. He would finally know what it was like to have someone steal from him .

      When he went home he would not have a house, but instead would have a cardboard box that leaked. He would know what it felt like for people who could have lost their homes and credit due to his actions. He would have to ride crowded public transit, because he could not afford a car. He would not get to sleep because the long line of women he betrayed would visit every night and tell him what they really thought about his sexual prowess, or lack thereof, and how they really thought of his physical looks, and sexual quirky requests. His cronies would be there to listen o all this information, too.

      Just like Greek mythology, there would be no end to this misery. Every day would be the same living Hell, and he would finally experience the consequences of all his actions. He was always too good to work for someone else, never contributed to costs for housing, utilities, or groceries. always “borrowed” money to keep his car running, and gas, and never intended to pay any of it back. He always tried to get my credit card numbers, or get on my accounts, but I never did that stupid move. Unfortunately for him I learned that lesson in the previous relationship.

      In my defense, I knew he had a “new business” and did not earn much when I married him. I tried to encourage his efforts, and offered advice which he did not want. I enabled his behavior for too long, and when I finally drew a boundary and said we cannot live this way any more, I was told I was destroying his dream. That is why the marriage was short lived, but I really was a chump and tried to work out things to reconcile. He never could do the simple things I asked, and I was a fool to believe he ever would. But I learned my lesson(s) and swore. “never again.” I kept my promise.

      But I hope, if there is a Hell, that the Devil will take a few of my suggestions. They are a lot worse than the old burning fire images I heard about as a kid. They seem very appropriate to me. You’ve heard the prayer “Oh God show me mercy instead of the justice I deserve” ? I do hope God will be merciful to me for my sins, which include desiring justice for my ex’s!!!

      • Your revenge fantasies are rather nice compared to mine. I wanted to tie my cheater up and dump him and the skank in the ocean. Lol!

        • My fantasy was trapping him in the holding tank of an outhouse and letting him smother slowly over many days while I did my business. Just a happy thought.

  • Exactly! Thank you CL for voicing one of my longest running mindfucks…which is if my anger drove him away but I was angry at the lying, cheating, gaslighting, all around shitty behavior then how is that the anger was the problem and not the behaviors that preceded (dare I say caused??) the anger?

    Nothing is their fault; it’s all everyone else’s fault. We drove them to this bad behavior but otherwise they are generally a stand up human being (minus the lying and sneaking around bit – but would you mind, it’s rather inconvenient to bring that up).

    There is only one answer – leave those fuckers behind. There is nothing that says I value myself more than that and there is nothing they love more than consequences (bonus!).

    • My pathological lying cheater wants me to go therapy with him. He told me I had anger issues. I’m like, yeah, after all lies, gaslighting and concrete proof I had of him being the world’s biggest scumbag and putting my health at risk, yeah, I was more than angry. He’s lucky I didn’t hurt him. Whatever nonsense he spews I tell him I don’t care what he thinks. And I don’t. Frankly, I regret I broke no contact.

      Seriously, a cheater will say anything to flip the script. I just don’t take it on anymore. You can’t rationalize with a cheater. And there is always a hidden agenda anyway when they come back.

    • Oh and in my case it was my fault because I couldn’t produce a particular brand of sex on tap (not that I knew what that was), wouldn’t play computer games and sit in the dark on my ass all day, wouldn’t allow my husband to have hang overs and sleep until 12 while I looked after our kid, and I had the gall to do housework on Saturday mornings when he wanted to sleep in. You can see why I “drove” him straight to hookers and his new girlfriend. None of it was his fault, poor baby ????????.

  • He lives in my neck of the words, OMG I am so embarrassed that the UK has produced this imbecile. What are these people on? Brilliant article CL, snark is the best weapon, too funny!

  • What a crock of shit. First, why the hell would you want a cheater back that is refusing to stop cheating? Second, AYFKM, apologize for being the victim? WTF over. I was so full of rage, if he stayed and continued the abuse I was afraid of shoot him and end up in prison. Apologize my ass. HIS apologies were owed to me. FTN.
    Third, life is so much better with him gone now.
    Who writes and believes shit like this?

  • CL you are priceless. I love your wit and sass, from the opening “oh Susannah” and every single UBT snark. I am a quite ie very, old Brit and have never heard of this absolute looper.

  • Because I was curious, I looked up prairie vole sex life. There are articles on it! Apparently the male vole can’t differentiate one female from another until he mates. After that, he’s monogamous – until he isn’t. He gets bored with his mate and starts sidling up to and sniffing other females, indiscriminately. And a vole is a rodent. So, have to say old Andy did have it right on at least my ex. Indiscriminate shagging rat. Yeppers.

  • Omg-what complete trash-I couldn’t read the whole thing. Andrew is such entitled garbage. Threw up in my mouth.

  • The whole scenario is wrong Andrew! The Worm did not want to leave. He kept coming back over and over again. I bagged up his clothes, meds, etc., drove them to the OW’s house and left them with her and he still kept coming back to torture me. I kept saying, “Why won’t you let me go?” But I never got an answer.
    So maybe the answer is that some people enjoy playing cat and mouse with other people and you are encouraging women to tolerate abuse and that is completely disgusting.

  • Andrew Gaslighter, please give me ONE good reason why I would want to win back the love of a cheater.


    What’s in this for ME? Baking more kibbles? For fattening up more Timid Forest Creatures? And what are TFCs good for?

    I prefer to raise lizards, they keep the cockroaches, flies and mosquitoes under control.

    And go brush your teeth….I can’t believe this guy has a publicist, but maybe she doesn’t brush her teeth either. Every thing is references….

  • So what would the advise be for a cheating wife? Probably that you deserved to be cheated on. Women cheating is normally always the men’s fault…

    • That’s what my cheating woman said; I wasn’t there for her when she was all drunk and horny.

  • I wonder what Andrew would like me to apologise to my Ex for ??

    1- Stealing marital money
    2- Getting another woman pregnant
    3- Giving me a STI
    4- Stone cold abandoning me

    The list is endless !!

    Fingers crossed i can win THAT back ( I am giddy with excitement )

    • VERY GOOD question. Which one of these is your worst mistake karenb6702? LOL.

      Has this andrew gasbag heard about pick-me dancing? CN leaves Nureyev to shame when it comes to pick-me dancing. But it’s still not enough for cheaters.

      Pick-me dancing is what I don’t forgive in me.

  • Oh, my cheater would love this article! He’s a poor hapless soul in the grip of greater forces, compelling him to lie, cheat, and steal! And he was ALWAYS trying to blameshift it on me and make me apologize to HIM for his lying, cheating, and stealing.

    Protect yourselves, Chumps. My cheater tried to get me to apologize for his fraud. If I had taken that on, I could be in prison right now for things that I didn’t even know were going on until I busted him on it and forced him to quit. If you start “apologizing,” you are accepting blame. And that is something that can stand up in court. He can take your “apology” right to a judge. “See, your honor, I had nothing to do with it. It was Carol39’s fault. Here is her apology to me.”

    And Cheater EX would have not felt even a little bad about that. After all, in his mind, everything was my fault, even if I knew nothing about it.

  • He’s upset that he’s not as rich, famous or fawned-over as Esther Perel and her ilk. So now he’s half-heartedly trying for the tribe of Chumps.

    Push off, Andrew. Take your homemade credentials and toss them in a burn barrel too.

  • Holy Shit! Even as guy friendly as this is I had to stop reading this rancid balderdash . Who the fuck will admit to giving this sack of shit a degree ? I have to turn the channel when I watch Ray Barone wimp out and not stand up for Deborah and reading what this nimrod has to say is just as offensive to my sensibilities . Apologies for getting pissed on, lied to, betrayed ,laughed at behind my back ,manipulated, degraded emasculated , dehumanized, had my private experiences shared with a stranger and a host of other fucked up shit?! Andrew, if you want to help people through relationship issues do them a favor and shut the fuck up! Wow ! I’ve finally heard of someone who needs to get laid more than me.

  • Public Service Announcement: I tried all this bullshit, including signing a behavior contract X drafted where I promised to NEVER speak unkindly or in harsh tones to XH (we were married 25 years with 4 kids and two busy law practices and a real estate development company when Dday hit and the mask of the malignant was ripped off and XH blamed me and said my x,y,z (moving goal posts) traits MADE him feel inadequate and thus MADE him cheat. I twisted myself into a pretzel, took ALL the blame, gave away any dignity I had…. he still continued cheating! So, it doesn’t even work!

    Thank goodness I found CL, saw the futility and absurdity of it all. Realized it was ALL on him — I had no power to make him cheat or to make him stop cheating. None. Only option was to focus on going no-contact, filing for divorce, getting the divorce, building my new life. It took 3 years to get to Meh. Life is unbelievably wonderful with abusive XH gone for good.

    Being with him was a form of insanity. I’m well now.

    • I also got accused of emasculating my husband with my controlling ways. I was told that I never let him have a say in anything. I wasn’t meeting his needs, so he cheated.

      Ironically, about 80% of my grievances in my marriage were related to me hoping my husband would take more initiative. I was practically begging him to take control of more aspects of our lives together as I was being crushed under the weight of all those balls in the air. But, what he hated was that I was trying to place more adulting responsibility on his shoulders.

      And, there I was during wreckonciliation, going to my individual therapy to work on myself after marriage counselling broke down, surrounding myself with all that is RIC. And, I apologized to him. Attempted to sincerely apologize for all that I acknowledged I did wrong as a wife. I felt that, even if he ended up leaving me, I would show myself to be a person of integrity and sincerity. I believed that he would be touched by my efforts and willingness to do better and inspired to stay and fight for us and our family.

      None of it mattered. When I discovered the secret email account between him and the OW, with emails written during that period of time, he actually referenced by evenings of apologies…and MOCKED me for it. There was no accepting of what I was saying to him with any grace whatsoever. And, none of it seemed to register with the other woman as being insensitive on his part. There was simply no empathy any more for the woman he had been with for almost 15 years and shared two children with.

      That is not normal behaviour. I had nothing to work with. And that is why apologizing to a cheater is, perhaps, the most degrading and damaging counselling advice to ever be suggested and founded in very bad psychology.

  • Why do I listen to no contact videos? Moral support. Why do I wish it could be a Friday topic? To gets CN approved resources for no contact support. I need to listen to something to get to sleep or talk myself off the ledge

    • This was my response to the question of why I listen to “get your ex back” no contact youtube. The ones I listen to consider cheating a non-starter.

  • Marshall writes, “The first step towards recovery needs you to commit to change.”

    YES!! I changed the locks, and changed my marital status to “divorced.” Count me as recovered!

    • In am from the UK and Relate is what was once called the national marriage guidance council – its a charity but that does not mean the it is free to attend. It is not cheap and there are waiting lists to get an appointment.
      I worked there as a volunteer receptionist for a while and got to know a few of the therapists – all qualified or training for their credentials – giving their time to help troubled couples.
      So can couples therapy mend a marriage? Only if both parties in it are committed and sincere in their intentions. So that rules out most cheaters.

      • “So can couples therapy mend a marriage? Only if both parties in it are committed and sincere in their intentions.”

        This is the core of the disconnect between normal people and those of us here on this site. In a normal marriage – where both people are invested and committed and working together (perhaps imperfectly) – apologizing, owning your share of the problem, and redoubling your efforts under adversity are all appropriate and healthy responses to marital stress. But those same tactics are ineffective (or even dangerous) when applied to a person who is secretly scheming against you. This is very hard for other people to understand.

  • I think this guy has discriminated against our male Chumps. What have they done to deserve being cheated on? Did they nag their wives or was it some other form of blame that is unique to men? Did they pay too much attention to their children while they’re wives were out fucking other guys? I’d love to hear his genius insights on that too.

  • “I have many male clients who had sex with a prostitute, but I haven’t met a women whose sexual outlet has been escorts.” Andrew G. Marshall – Author & Marital Therapist

    Yes, I suspect most men will have paid for sex at some point in their lives particularly if they have some disgusting requests or are fellow MISOGYNISTS LIKE YOURSELF (sorry caps)

    • I think it’s much easier for a woman to get laid than for a man to do so. Thinking of a nurse acquaintance who met her parasitic boyfriend on XMatch. Before she got gastric bypass surgery; she was tipping the scales at 300 lbs.

      • Apps like Tinder and online dating sites make it even easier for women to find partners. They are also really creepy places for disturbed men or “parasites” to prowl for victims. Any time anybody is trolling for casual sex with strangers there is a danger involved, whether you are male or female.

      • I forgot to mention that parasitic man baby leeches off this woman financially. He is a “jewelry designer” but doesn’t earn a living. They’ve been in couples therapy for a while and Nurse insisted he get some kind of job,so he drives for Lyft/Uber. They live in a cottage for minimal rent behind his elderly aunt’s house. A parasite.

    • My ex proudly exclaimed “at least I never paid for sex”. That didn’t make me feel any better. What does make me feel better is that he is paying now (child support).

  • This reminds me of cheating ex wife’s quote of “I need to feel free to choose you.” I thought she did choose me on our wedding day but no, my mistake. I needed to let her eff around with a new guy and sit on the sideline while doing “pick me dancing” to compete for the job I held for the last decade. Good to know Mr. Marshall is a good friend to the cheaters, making sure to blame the betrayed instead of the betrayer.

    Isn’t it weird how the ones who got cheated on, had moments their spouses disappointed them, hurt them, etc BUT STILL DIDN’T CHEAT?

    • OMG, I need to feel free to choose you? What the fuck does that mean? So sorry. Sounds like good ole fashioned cake eating in action. My husband’s cake eating was more direct. He said, “ I want you and my new lover to be friends so it will be easier to coordinate.” Yeah, sure thing! And then when you come back home to me, be sure to bring your dirty clothes for me to wash and I’ll have dinner on the table for you. That is, after I’ve been at work running our business and taking our daughter to dance.. Gee, maybe it was my fault that my husband had an affair because I was so busy being a grown up. Shame on us all!

  • For a lousy therapist giving rock bottom bad advice, Andrew G.Marshall sure has worked on his google presence. I think it’s borderline criminal to blame shift cheating onto chumps. Imagine all the vulnerable women and men out there who get convinced it’s all their fault. What a dotard with his piggy nose and bad teeth.

    I continue to pass chumplady coordinates to everyone I encounter who has suffered infidelity. Scorched earth is the only way to deal with cheat in’ partners.

  • So if you allow them to continue cheating, have their cake, and do everything they want you to do they will stay with you? I wish I had thought of that… not! That’s not a marriage, that’s abuse! I’ll stick with divorce. I apologized and accepted blame and it made no difference. I’ll find someone who can say “No, I’m married.”

  • This made me laugh so hard
    Soooo much bullshit in just one place
    I’m committed to change too, lost a ton of dead weight leaving a lazy entitled cheater behind and creating a better life for myself 🙂
    So thanks but no thanks Mr. Andrew ????

  • Oh lordy, sorry I couldn’t get past that first paragraph, the condescension was hardening my arteries. How you must be labouring under your delusions Tracy, having lived your life (thanksfully) out of Andrew Initial Whatsernames’ orbit.

  • I couldn’t read the rest but I scrolled to the picture, and Andrew looks like he has perpetually clammy hands and a permanent sneer. And I always loves American cracks about British Dentistry. It’s low hanging fruit, but it’s true.

  • Being a Brit I am familiar with Mr Marshall and his works – I have to confess to consulting his best known book for tips on pick me dancing. That would be “ILYBINILWY”. We all know what that stands for and that really is the title – but Andrew has top tips for all those who have been on the receiving end of that awkwardest of conversations and all is not lost for them if they heed his advice. We must wait til the “limerence” stage of the affair has passed and that takes a good six months so patience is required.
    In “how can I ever trust you again” there was one chapter that I actually enjoyed. Andrew is a relationship therapist and is therefore in on the secrets of affair couples who end up together full time and it would seem that karma does exist whatever they put on their facebook pages.
    Btw my guilty and chumpyist confession – in the confession box of CN – I apologised and even thanked the OW after Dday 1. It didnt work so maybe I should demand a refund.

  • Chump Lady,

    Although it pains me to do so, on this occasion I have to say that I disagree with you.

    Herewith my apology to my STBXW:

    1. I’m sorry that I abandoned my own career in order to support yours. That was very selfish of me.

    2. I’m sorry that you lied to me about having a medical condition which prevented you from having children. It must have been terribly difficult for you to have to lie about something so important as this.

    3. I’m sorry that I was compelled to become principal career to the baby daughter who appeared as if by magic only nine months after you telling me that your medical condition made it impossible for you to have children.

    4. I’m sorry that I stayed at home to look after the daughter in question while you endured the hardship of flying all around the world and having to sleep with other men in order to ease your loneliness.

    5. I’m sorry that for ten long years I was also forced to take a job I hated which nearly killed me, while still being principal carer to our daughter.

    6. I’m sorry that those muscle-bound guys at the gym proved to be too much of a temptation for you. It should have been me spending all those long hours on the treadmill, not you.

    7. I’m sorry that I let you gaslight me for years without ever really noticing what you were doing. I really should have been more alert. What a dimwit!

    8. I’m sorry that I created all those presentations for your job over the years and that you were forced to take the credit for them, leading to numerous promotions. It must have been soul-destroying for you.

    9. I’m sorry that after 18 years together I was unable to prevent myself from ageing by precisely 18 years, which forced you into a younger man’s bed. I really am very irresponsible.

    10. I’m sorry that almost every day for 18 years I told you how much I loved you and how beautiful you were. All these compliments can’t have been easy for you to endure.

    11. I’m sorry that I always did the majority of the household chores and cooking. How selfish of me.

    12. I’m sorry that it was my habit to lavish you with gifts on your birthday, on our anniversary and at Christmas time. Perhaps if I’d have treated you mean I might have kept you keen.

    13. I’m sorry that you sometimes got so sexually frustrated while secretly sexting your numerous lovers that you had no choice other than to reluctantly climb into bed with lumpy old me. How thoroughly awful for you.

    14. I’m sorry that I never rejected your sexual overtures and that you always rejected mine. Life can be such a bitch.

    15. I’m sorry that you didn’t like to kiss or to cuddle me in bed. I can be so demanding sometimes, I know that I can be.

    16. I’m sorry that I chose to cook hundreds of meals for your (frankly, weird) family during their all too regular visitations. I know that I should have let you do it – even if you never once offered.

    17. I’m sorry that I never interrupted you while you were speaking at me. And I’m sorry that you always interrupted me.

    18. I’m sorry that I stayed with our daughter in hospital after she tried to commit suicide, while you pretended you were too busy at work. Fucking those guys must have played havoc with your conscience.

    19. I’m sorry that I allowed myself to be forced out of the family home after accidentally stumbling upon your secret life.

    20. I’m sorry that I went through your emails and found evidence of years and years of infidelity. What kind of a person would invade your privacy like that?

    There. That’s a fairly full set of apologies, my darling. Will you take me back now please? I’ve learned my lesson.

    Did I say I disagree with you Chump Lady? I do – British Dentistry is far worse than the set of dentures in question. Everyone knows that.

    • Back to Reality,
      I’m so sorry that is your story. I can feel the pain and anger (which you are entitled to have) through your writing.
      I hope you find peace.
      You sound like you were a great husband!

    • I’m sorry too @Back to Reality
      I’ve been where you are, very similar ex wife.
      I can talk to you offline if you’d ever like to confer with a fellow male chump

  • I’m still trying to figure out why giving attention to your children is such a bad thing. They are the other parent’s children too. Shouldn’t they also be giving the children their attention? It would certainly be a better use of their time than chasing schmoopies. I got complaints in both directions. My ex accused me of neglecting the children because I worked outside the home instead of quitting my career and dedicating my life to becoming a SAHM. Then he later complained that he cheated because the kids were getting too much of my attention. Also note that he was mad at me for not wanting more than three kids and for making us wait so long to have them in the first place (retroactively, he didn’t complain about that before we had kids).

    • They set up contradictory expectations like that on purpose so you can’t possibly please them, thus (to them) justifying their mistreatment of you. It’s something emotionally abusive, toxic people do. They want to keep you under their thumb. If you’re always scrambling to try to meet their crazy, conflicting demands, they have the upper hand.

  • I do recall during the pick me dance phase at one point I took a break long enough to ask ex “you are the one who betrayed me, why am I the one begging you to take me back?” He agreed that was messed up but it didn’t change anything until I finally chose to stop humiliating myself and let him go.

  • Just looked this quack up. Watched a short video on YouTube where he gives cheaters 5 things to tell their chumps about why they cheated.
    Lesson in gas-lighting! Some of the answers almost sound reasonable but the big one was childhood issues of the cheater. All excuses. How to trick the chump into thinking the cheater wants to change. Horrible.

  • This is awesome!! I now understand how the “Riddikulus” charm ACTUALLY works in real life! I’ll be reading this 85 more times ahead of my pending mediation—-I want that level of snark (power) in my arsenal…even if it has to remain unspoken.

  • It’s bad enough that it takes years to figure out how to reinvent a life after being cheated on… now we have this kinda crap thrown at us !
    Yes, Thank you Tracy for all that you do for us ! And please everyone, do try to support her efforts as you can.

  • My marriage ended 8 years ago, and while I did not spend much time at all with RIC “resources,” this post is making me realize for the first time that my EX might have. He kept insisting I needed to make a full apology to him (on my knees). I found that demand utterly baffling (not to mention insulting). When I asked what I should be apologizing for, he simply said, “Everything.” I was dumbfounded by his arrogance, but at least then I thought it was original. Now, I think maybe he was arrogant and channeling the advice he’d learned elsewhere.

    I didn’t apologize.

    And life without him is so much better.

  • He has a *shiver* Youtube channel. Caution, please do not search his channel out 2 hours before or after eating a meal.

  • I wrote a long post but it got lost somehow! AGM is the worst type of quack peddling victim blaming bullshit. I read 2 of his books and went to a number of Relate sessions. Total waste of time. The reason my XW cheated is that she was (and probably still is) a self centred, selfish, uncaring fuckwit arsehole of the first degree. I left her over 4 years ago and never looked back.

  • Gee. I’d love to steal his money and expose him to stis… So he can apologise to me!
    What the hell!?

  • So would he tell rape victims to make nice with the rapist? People who are defrauded by their employees should apologize to them for making them work too hard?

    Why is victim bashing so popular?

    This ‘therapist’ is a sick fuck

  • 2 more unhelpful people spewing more stuff. I just want to call it out here —

    A dating expert with (expensive) videos and blog posts says if a man is dating someone else, the best tactic to deal with this “pick me dance” is to not acknowledge the other woman if he brings her up in conversation and to instead change the conversation into something that you did that makes you happy. In this way, it creates a happy energy that he can be attracted to. (Not sure if it’s appropriate to link to this BS advice.)

    Another “life-coaching team” in California (one half of which was a cheater) says, “A broken promise is an invitation to reconcile or reconnect.” When asked about how this might apply to a betrayed partner (chump), they said, “Perhaps the partner who was betrayed wasn’t paying attention when they entered the relationship. Based on results there is a strong possibility that they were living in a romantic sensation about the other person and didn’t pay attention to the signs.”

    Like it’s a chump’s responsibility to somehow anticipate any sign of cheating before it even happens and somehow prevent it?? And instead of trusting the other person like a human being in a partnership, they’re blamed for “living in a romantic sensation” about them??

    This is supposed to be helpful and caring? Thank goodness for you, Chump Lady.

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