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Omens and Portents

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Happy Friday the 13th!

The number 13 is auspicious in our household. In fact, Mr. CL — pictured here — is batty about it. He believes in life’s weird duality, that bad luck can be good luck. That calamity is often the catalyst to better days. (Of course, some things just suck with zero upside. I got nothing positive to say about cancer or coronavirus.)

After Mr. CL’s divorce, he got this tattoo — 13 being an old tattoo symbol for good luck. (I met him shortly after this tattoo, so maybe it was prophetic.)

Today’s Friday (the 13th!) Challenge comes from him. As you were going through the infidelity meat grinder (or are going through it, depending on your timeline), did you have any signs of hope or doom? Any cosmic flashes?

Here’s one from my first marriage — THE CHURCH CAUGHT ON FIRE. Honest to God, the night before the wedding, the roof went up in flames. (The smoke damage was in the hall, not the sanctuary, so the wedding proceeded.) If that’s not a sign from God, I don’t know what is.

I can think of hopeful encounters too. After my D-Day, I remember meeting an old man at a party (which I went to alone, it was at a neighbor’s… awkward… I was a newlywed.) He told me he’d been a Nebraska farmer and he’d tried and tried to farm, but each year hailstorms wiped out his crops and left him destitute. Some friend got him an entry level job at Merrill Lynch decades ago. He worked his way up the ladder to stock broker, and became very successful. He told me (having NO IDEA I’d suffered a D-Day) “Sometimes the worst things that ever happen you, lead to the best things.”

He was my angel at that moment and I’ve never forgotten him. That one sentence gave me a lot of hope.

So CN, what were your omens and portents?

TGIF!

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Ask Chump Lady

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  • Oh yes. On the day that my husband had his one and only sexual encounter with the OP, his wedding band broke. It had a thin band of gold that always spun around on top of the main band, and it came off.
    We also had a little magnet that he bought in the early days of our marriage that said, “Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but looking outward in the same direction”. It hung in our kitchen (wherever we lived) for 16 years…and fell off the fridge and broke into pieces during the affair.

  • A pair of earrings I loved, that I’d worn at his best friend’s wedding and then at my first public speaking engagement, broke. It didn’t fall deaf on me, but I only had faint clues at the time.

    Astrology told me more, though. I kept trying to plan our wedding date on an auspicious date and every date we picked showed the same theme of “aggressive masculine towards feminine”, lack of joy, servitude and peril for the woman.

    I took my hints then!!!

    • Also, our last and final wedding date (which ultimately never took place) was supposed to be Friday, 13th July XD

  • Signs & Symbols

    Three days before wedding we went to mall to shop for last minute gifts. A famous mall. I had these new Birkenstock’s and in a hurry I started running up marble stairs. I tripped. I thought, These are weird sandals. I started running again, tripped. I did it a third time. I thought, What are the odds?

    On the honeymoon at a famous hotel there was a drunk bride in her wedding dress sobbing in the hallway outside a locked door.

    D-day. The person I married was born June 6.

    • This is not an omen but just responding to the June 6 birthday. My cheaters schmoopie birthday is June 6. His is June 3. They think they are twin flames or some such nonsense.

        • It’s puke- worthy. My x thinks it’s sooooooo special. I saw his texts to her at DDay and they were texting each other the emoji for Gemini. The twins. Arrggghhh

          When he finally talked wirh me about it, He says she’s like his twin on the other side of the universe. That opposites attract and they are opposites on opposite sides of the universe, made for each other. (Retch I feel sick. ) How can a spouse say these things Types of things to you. Maybe they will both be sucked into the giant black hole between them.

  • Actually met you Tracy within 48 *hours* of getting that “13” tattoo. Also became engaged to you on the 13th and married to you on the 13th, so yes clearly 13 is my lucky number. #science

    • Nomar, you give me hope that there are decent men out there.

      Happily single and enjoying getting to know myself, getting more grounded after my narc soul shredding, but you prove that lovely men do exist, they aren’t just a myth!

      And that you CAN love again, even deeper. Thanks for the lovely message, you two

    • First off, am I allowed to say that Mr CL looks a bit of a hottie? >blushpre-literacy man. (Bear in mind there were centuries before even the number zero was “invented”). You’re standing in a marketplace. You can count up to 10 on your fingers, then there’s another two symbols to get up to 12 (foot taps, for instance, or fist-in-palm – I’ve heard both). The next number, 13, starts The Great Unknown – out of their comfort zone.

      Once I heard that, and after my mind was duly blown, I have embraced the number 13. You don’t even need to have a crappy Known life to want to explore what is (so far) Unknown. Even a healthy curiosity will do. 🙂

      • Sorry, a chunk of my message got lost. I was referring to a.n. pre-literacy man, not Mr CL. And I was mentioning that 13 is “unlucky” for the same reason we have so many things in dozens – our clocks, pre-decimalisation money, even the numbers 1-12 have their own names, whereas 13 starts the “three-ten, four-ten…” names.

        As you were. >blush again<

  • I left my wedding ring at the nail solon, it was the only time I ever forgot it anywhere. Exhole walked out while I still had that same manicure.

  • I have so many that it would take my own book. I don’t believe in coincidence anymore, I have to many what I call “Godincidence”. That gives me an idea, maybe it’s time for a book. For any newly chumped, I know you don’t want to hear that your life will get better, you want justice. I get it, we all get it. Hang in there and you’ll see many of these “Oman’s” in the coming months/years.

    • This is what i want BBM

      I want Justice ( I don’t believe in Karma ) but i want justice but i have resigned myself to the fact that will never happen .

      My Ex gets married to his AP tomorrow ( not even 1 year since D Day and not quiet 4 months since divorce & she has already had his baby ) so there is absolutely no justice

      • Wait about 15 years until that love child is a teenager. Karma has no time limit, which is why we often do not experience its benefit.

          • How weird is it that his daughter Katherine wrote a book compiling forgiveness stories ?! Was she her husband’s (Chris Pratt’s) affair partner when he was married to Anna Faris. Timeline looks suspicious. Hollywood’s narc cluster f*ck

            • Anna and Chris got together while they were both still married to other people. I don’t necessarily think that Katherine would have been his affair partner, as she’s super Christian (not that that’s any guarantee, right?) but I think he dumped Anna pretty quick smart for the chance to hook up with a Kennedy. As soon as he stopped being ‘Fat Andy’ from Parks and Rec and morphed into Starlord, I assumed he would dump Anna sooner rather than later. Typical Hollywood narc.

      • “so there is absolutely no justice”

        Not yet, but I can almost guarantee it will happen. I’ve never not seen justice happen, even if it is years later.

      • Life is not fair, and when we keep trying to force it to be fair, or getting upset that it’s not fair, we add to our own unhappiness.

        There are some Cheaters who do not apparently meet karma in any obvious way. They are pretty content with their lives and how they come out. They are superficial lives with superficial relationships, not the kind that Chumps would find satisfying, but especially if there’s lots of money to make their lives smooth and easy, Cheaters can be fine with that.

        Karen, it might help if you really practice trying to let go of that ‘need for justice’. It’s not a need, just a want, and it’s hurting you, not him. It really helped me, when I felt that burn, to remind myself that my Cheater Ex is now just some other asshole out there in the world. There are plenty of assholes who are rewarded far beyond what they deserve, but I don’t get hot under the collar about all of them. He’s a stranger to me now, so what happens to him is not that interesting, not really my concern.

        Time, too, does help us get that cooler distance from the fuckwits. Take good care of yourself, and he will become less important.

        • Thank You Karen E

          I am so trying to gain a life and i have read and re read shitty things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people i just have to grasp that in my head .

          I’ll get there one day and as you say one day i won’t even care ( but just now while its happening i do ) but i will get there 🙂

          • Karenb, taking care of children can be trying. Everything for them is new, they’re getting attention as newlyweds with a new baby. The attention and newness fades.
            They’re going to be consumed with child rearing and day to day life with each other. Cheater isn’t going to be the center of her attention once the baby arrives. AP isn’t going to be as available to shower him with attention. Parenting is work and self sacrifice. Cheater hasn’t changed, as Tracy says they don’t get a personality transplant because they’re with someone new.
            I think they exaggerate their happiness as image management, to prove to the world that they’ve found true love and “they’ve never been happier.” My Cheater has actually said that referring to his AP who he’s no longer with. I imagine he’s’ saying it again with the new GF.
            We don’t know everything that goes on behind closed doors. We do know Cheaters are lacking integrity and character.
            Give it time

          • “They are superficial lives with superficial relationships, not the kind that Chumps would find satisfying”

            Absolutely, KarenE. Much of the untangling I did in the aftermath of living with a serial cheater was related to coming out of living a life of tolerating and forgiving abuse. I assigned value to and loved a man who was incapable of self reflection and growth.

            To me the justice is knowing and understanding how the covert narcissist operated through pathological lying, cheating, and conning to maintain and use his wife and children as a means to hide his disordered self.

            It was a very painful yet necessary step to awaken clarity and find peace.

            • “To me the justice is knowing and understanding how the covert narcissist operated through pathological lying, cheating, and conning to maintain and use his wife and children as a means to hide his disordered self.” ^^^^^^^^ This!!!!!

              Although I’ve known my narc since 1983, married him in 1993 and got divorced in 2018……………my light bulb only recently went on. 💥 💥 💥 Ex is a complete psychopathic covert narcissist. This revelation has shed so much light on what my “mirage” (thank you Velvet Hammer for that gem!) was and has helped me to put so many of the missing puzzle pieces together. And moving on so quickly with their “soulmate” is a reflection on them, not you. Everyone in the wedding audience knew exactly what had happened when they both pledged to be true until death do them part—what a joke. They respect and love only themselves. The vindictive narcissist will make the divorce hell or completely dump you like you never existed because they aren’t happy.

              Because truly happy people don’t treat people like that.

        • Absolutely perfect advice, KarenE! Just another asshole.

          What we hear/see concerning others is not the whole story. Every single person has problems (usually numerous). Asshole people create problems for themselves in addition to occurrences in everyday living. I think we can all rest assured that consequences come around to those who lie, cheat, steal, hurt others, etc.
          The Bible gives us a long list of those who will not inherit the Kingdom of Heaven.

      • I am right there with you! Life Sucks! Isn’t Fair! and Never Seems to get any better! My ex-narc-asshole- deluxe cheated-moved in skank AF in our house; after threatening me out- his Daddy’s paid his bills for 3 years so all he does is stalk and harass me and kids. The kids are pawns in his sick twisted game.Friday the 13th sucks (no offense chump lady) because all this corona virus and school not opening back as scheduled he’s decided he doesn’t have to return the kids. Skank moved out, probably moved next skank in. Violates every court order. Nobody gives a shit! There is no karma, not sure I believe in god and honestly have no hope or faith in anything! Still getting abused the same as when married except I was able to protect my children better.

      • ok wait. Just take a breath and reflect on the mental state you’re in now.
        And lets agree that you’re in this state b/c your relationship to asspants mattered to you.

        Could you EVEN consider falling in love and getting married in this state?
        Would you marry anyone, anywhere near the state you’re in?

        THERE IS IMMEDIATE JUSTICE in front of you: they are MESSED UP and getting married. And ok, fine, they’re “in love” .. pfft…
        You’ll see how comical it is soon enough.
        Let ’em get married.
        They.
        Are.
        So.
        Screwed.

      • karenb6702

        I’m, sorry. I’ve seen your posts, and my heart aches for you. Remarriage so quickly is a bitter pill. Karma happens, but sometimes you will never know when it occurs. My counselor had the best response when I said HoWorker won–without even hesitating, she flew up her head and said in a loud voice (this woman never has any emotion) and said “She didn’t win, she got him!” That’s the karma. He hasn’t changed. New wife has no idea that narcissists are purely transactional and her tab has been accruing for a long time. Eventually he will demand payment.

        For me, I’ve seen karma second hand. I’ve had people come up to me and tell me my Ex “looks like shit–no really, he looks like shit”. I saw a photo of him two weeks after his marriage to HoWorker and it is true! In just two years, he has lost his hair, turned grey and gained 20+ pounds. And everyone who’s seen the photo says, “He doesn’t look happy”.

        Trust that they suck.

      • @Karen

        My Un-husband got engaged the day after divorce!! Got married to the girl 3 months later. She has the same “name” that I do. He got “unfixed” for her had 2 children within a year of each other. Now is trying to sue to get custody of my boys to move to a His school district because its “What’s best for the children”…

        Have a feeling this isn’t going to stop for another 9 years and “What’s best for the children”

        BWAHAHAHA….

      • Hi Karen, I know it hurts like a mother, but justice is being served. Somewhere in the deep recesses of that black hole he has where his soul should be, do you think he’s really happy that he has to marry someone who is pregnant with his child less than a year since he blew his life up? He’s trapped, he doesn’t have any choice but to go along with it all, or look like even more of a royal asshole. So he pretends this is what he wants, because blowing up a good life with a good partner has to be worth it right? My father had the same thing happen, except his AP was pregnant when we all found out. He begged my mother to come back, and for a narc he was strangely honest about his real feelings, despite being the most self-interested person I know. He told us kids that he would dump the AP and leave the country if she didn’t start bucking up her ideas, that he missed our mother and told other people it was the worst mistake he’d ever made. But he’s still with her and gets on with life as though everything’s great and most of them do, pretending it’s the best decision they’ve ever made. The most telling thing he ever said was when I talked to him in the couple of days following September 11 in 2001. He was watching the news and ground zero with the twin towers came on and he said, there will be people who will be pretending that they’ve died in there and running away and starting new lives. And he said it like he envied them. That’s what he wanted, to be able to run away and get out from under the covers of the bed he’d made for himself. He’s trapped by his own need to not look like a total asshole. So don’t ever for a moment believe that everything is all sunshine and puppies over at their place. Deep in the night, when they’re alone with themselves, they know what they’ve done.

    • “He makes the sun rise on both the evil and the good and sends rain on both the righteous and the unrighteous.”
      As Jesus said, I think God works for the good for everyone.
      Humans screw it up.
      Either in our own actions or the actions or influence of others.

    • Not sure if this qualifies- A week after D-Day #1 I had lost 12 pounds at least. (I was thin anyways.). I felt a large lump in my breast I would never have felt without losing that weight. Within a few days I was diagnosed with an aggressive and very fast spreading form of cancer that I was so so so lucky to catch in stage one because beyond that stage has very bad outcomes.
      (And yes he continued to cheat during chemo and on and on till finally I caught on and said get out.)
      I might not be here if I didn’t have a cheater husband. That would be seven kids without a mom.

  • About a month before dday, I drove the fuckwit to another state to pick up his boat. He was taking it to it’s summer docking and I was then to meet him there. He had of course been distant and weird- discard. As I was driving through a rural area, radio reception was poor but I came on a station where they were reading some kind of short story or novel- not sure. Looking back, I think it was some universal force capturing the radio and foreshadowing my life.

    The narrator had a soothing voice and I was sort of entranced. It took a bit to figure out the story but I finally determined it was about a man having an affair. He was describing the excitement he got from it and that it was addictive and even though he knew it was wrong, he just couldn’t stop. And the whole thing was about him; the affair partner was just a prop in his story. And it ended with him saying he knew he would do it again for that feeling but it would just be another AP.

    I remember how weird that was at the time and I thought about it alot. When I arrived at the dock, fuckwit continued in his weird behavior and I could not stop thinking about the radio story. I never went to the thought that fuckwit could be having an affair but I have thought about that story so many times since. Sure seems like an omen.

      • When I was still down and out and super depressed, about 3 years ago, one night around 3am I was sitting on my deck with the outside light on.
        I could see something huge flying around the light pole. Lo and behold, this big beautiful but tattered Luna month came over and flew onto my leg, crawled up my leg right into my hand. It was like a miracle. Like magic. It gave me hope 🙂
        (I have video proof!)

  • My sign was that 2 weeks before the wedding I ended up getting a serious eye infection from someone using my contacts case to soak his lenses while I was at work without my knowledge. It swelled my eye shut. It wouldn’t go away no matter what I was prescribed. We had to push the wedding date out so that I could have use of both eyes again and he was throwing a fit about it. I should’ve paid attention because that incident really did show me how well he handles things that are the way they are.

  • When we finished our vows in the church and turned to walk down the aisle out of the church, the musicians didn’t play the music. 😜 awkward exit..

  • Well I dont know if this counts, but the number 13 has shown up in my life quite a bit, as well as the number 14.

    I was born on the 14th, so were both of my sons. My mother went into labour with me on the 13th, and so did I with my first son.

    I live at number 13

    My license plate has 13 in it (i didn’t buy it because of that, only noticed afterwards)

    I went on my first date with my boyfriend on the 13th, we have been together for 5 months today!

    So I dont think its a ‘lucky’ number exactly, but it follows me around. I find numbers quite fascinating.

    I cant share exact details for obvious reasons but mine and my sons birthdays are very similar. Like i said we were all born on the 14th, but the rest of our date of births all have the numbers 8 and 2 in them!

  • I realized a couple years post divorce that we were married in Horry County in a city called Conway. I got a good laugh out of that one.

  • Let’s see…

    A couple of years before our actual wedding, I took my husband on a romantic trip to India. We were going to elope in Udaipur. I tried to arrange the wedding before hand but the hotel never answered my emails. One night when we were at dinner at the hotel, one of the staff came up to ask if I still wanted the wedding. It was a bit late so we didn’t go through with it.

    Then, a year and a half later, the judge my mother booked didn’t show up to marry us. We had to find a priest on short notice. We had to have reception before the actual wedding while we were waiting for him to arrive. We were pretty drunk by the time we got around to getting married. My husband misplaced the music so we could only stand around talking afterward. Then he invited the best man to spend the night in our suite.

    My husband lost our camera on the last day of our honeymoon and with it all the photos we had of the time leading up to the wedding and our honeymoon photos. There is not much evidence of our wedding other than the professional photos and the odd pictures from friends and family.

    He never actually bought me a wedding ring. I took my sister’s simple back up ring that she wore when she went out somewhere that wearing a huge diamond was not a good idea. This ring was from her second of three marriages. One day I was gardening and it was horribly muddy so I threw out my gloves when I was done. The garbage collection was the next day so I packed up the rubbish and put it out for collection. It was only the next day that I realised that the ring was gone and had come off in the glove. Since the garbage was collected, there was no way to retrieve it.

    I replaced that ring with the engagement ring my father gave my mother. It has been handed down for 4 generations. The diamond had a chip in it which is highly unusual. My parents divorced so this ring didn’t have a happy history. I have decided to end this string of bad luck and turn it into a necklace for my daughter.

  • I was having an early morning walk and wondered to myself, “Should I get a divorce?” I kid you not, the clouds overhead immediately parted and the sun started shining down on me. I didn’t act on that immediately, but in a few months we were over.

    • The night before I was discarded I had a dream in which I yelled to my husband “why don’t you just ask me for a divorce already?” The next day we finished painting our deck in 90 degrees and then my husband started his discard rant/affair reveal. I fled the house for a 3 hour walk (my fight or flight response). It was on that walk I remembered my dream. My body sensed something was off but I had no evidence until his confession.

  • My father, who I adored, never liked my exhole. I never understood why. My ex almost came close to killing our relationship, but some bonds are too thick no matter what.

    After my dad died my insensitive asshat looked around my dad’s house for things. He said he could feel my Dad breathing down his neck. At the time, I told him he was imagining things. After that, I could feel strong forces doubting my husband. Four months later after coming back home from cleaning my dad’s house out to sell, was DDay1.

    That was almost four years ago, almost divorced (thank you California). When some days are really hard, I get a visit from my Dad in a dream. <3

  • After I threw him out I found his wedding band with a cut in the back. He said it broke and was a sign. Months after he moved in with her he asked for it back despite saying he’d never marry her and would dump her too. What ring? I sold it.

    Evidently she’s repeatedly nagged him to marry. He uses my health benefits as an excuse.

  • When I was dating the fuckwit many years ago my brothers, who never liked him, would open the door when he picked me up and leave him standing there and go to a table where they had their guns laid out and start cleaning them.

    Then, when I was standing at the door of the church on my father’s arm getting ready to walk down the aisle to marry the cheater my father turned to me and said, “we can turn around now, you don’t have to do this.” Wow, I do wish I had listened to those men in my life!

    • My dad had passed away by the time I married cheaterpants but my Brother who walked me down the aisle said almost the same thing. He told me he had the keys to the car in his pocket and he’d take me anywhere I wanted to go.

    • Infinite Possibilities- I am currently going through the divorce. My dad just recently reminded me that he said the same thing to me about 15 minutes before my wedding ceremony started. Wish I would have listened!

    • When I got married, two of my aunts arrived a few days early to help with final preparations. Both of them sat me down and listed all the reasons why I should call everything off. They’d already planned how to deal with the caterer, guests, returning gifts, all of it. Of course, I said I was going through with it.

      My MIL wore black to the wedding.

      Twenty-five years later (and ten months fighting for a final divorce decree) I’m so glad my aunts aren’t here to see the nightmare I’m living today.

  • Deep into the devaluation phase I was sorting the mail. I threw a bunch of junk mail into the trash, looked down, and there, on the back of an ad from the cable company, in bold bright red letters, were the words, “TIME TO BREAK UP”. It was so strange I actually took a picture of it. Should have listened sooner.

  • I married XH on the 8th, DDay was the 8th
    My mother missed my wedding- she was ironing my gobshite brother’s shirt ( long story) it was in Vegas at a swanky hotel)
    When I was seriously ill in hospital and took a downward turn I felt calm/ better that XH (still together at the time) was not there (he had gone home to rest) I always remember the Surgeon being very annoyed that XH had failed to turn up as I was being rushed to theatre “ where the f@ck is he ?’ He shouted at the
    nurses – after that I always had a feeling I would be on my own – I was correct.

    • Odd that you say that. I had that same feeling when I had a liver biopsy done a year and a half ago.

      I remember laying on the table and this idea struck me in that every major life event for the previous 15 years, I’ve had to go through alone.

      He couldn’t wait to go home to work after I was taken away and was late picking me up. He wanted me to stand outside in the hospital parking lot so I could get in as he couldn’t find a spot.
      Doctors and nurses wouldn’t let me leave until he came in and physically collected me.

      He never even uttered a word of encouragement. He did not care that I just had a pretty serious puncture wound. He didn’t even get me a glass of water.

  • First, I found that he lied for no particular reason about anything.

    Second, the day we were all to travel to Reno in our private cars, everyone had gone and he came downstairs and I saw that he had shaved his “Fu Manchu” ‘stach and he had NO CHIN. (Shudder) Ignored my revulsion.

    Third, on our way to Reno, got 20 miles from home and my car engine blew, leaving us sitting in a roadside stop for more than an hour until we were able to get a ride/tow back to Woodland to get HIS old crappy car to get to Reno.

    I should have just given up after the third warning, but NOOOOO.

    Sigh.

    • Hahaha, when we were holidaying in Europe a few months before I left him, exh shaved off his full beard that he had worn for about 15 years. OMG chinless lipless and it threw his cold dead eyes into bold relief. It wasn’t just me who recoiled, the 2 kids who were travelling with us did too. He looked awful. I still shudder. 🤣🤣👀

  • Years ago, I thought, if I lost 5 stone, my now ex would treat me better, I became sick lost over 5 stone, he treated me like crap, ow was seriously overweight, addict and alcoholic.
    People actually thought I had a stomach bye pass, no I became diabetic. One of my neighbours, ex’s Swedish friend told me I had put weight on, but I hadn’t actually my stomach was bloated due to insulin, and stomach problems. She actually told the neighbours I overheard before I lost weight partner should leave me because I was fat, incidentally I became thinner than her due to illness, unfortunately weight was same but due to bloatedness my stomach increased 2 sizes, due to pulmonary hypertension, and insulin.
    When I told her ex had a girlfriend she looked pissed off, my neighbour was actually after my ex, she’s actually obsessed with how people look.

  • I had a recurring dream that he left. Not very often, but recurring. It seemed so fantastic and so far from my perceived reality that I always dismissed it without a second thought.

    A month before DDay in 2017, I was on my first solo trip since our daughter was born ten years earlier. I had the dream in the middle of the night.
    This time I knew it was a signal. I texted him in the middle of the night.

    “I think you are glad I am gone. I feel like you don’t love me anymore and I wonder if you love someone else.”

    I was DEAD ON.

    In the morning he replied

    “We love you”……

    Curious how he didn’t even address the rest of the message! I saw that immediately.

    A month later that same radar intuition guided me to the hard evidence.

    • I had lots of dreams about being alone and abandoned. Phones wouldn’t work or go unanswered. I would be single and never been married and my SO unavailable. I would wake up relieved and confused…what was that dream theme all about?

  • Shortly after D-Day #1 (which he convinced me was my fault, would never happen again, blah blah blah) my husband (now ex!) joined a existing band coincidentally called “ConArtist”. I should have known!

    • A woman I know finally divorced her cheater though he made a ton of money. He and his financial cronies had a band called…wait for it-One Night Band.

    • The first and third homes (out of total four) we lived in have both been bulldozed to the ground since our marriage broke up 3 years ago.

  • During the height of his shenanigans, my ring finger became blistered. Hadn’t happened in over a decade and a half, but every time I would wear my wedding ring, my finger would break out in blisters. I thought it was just because the white gold was wearing thin – turns out the marriage was!

    • How weird!! This kept happening to me too. I cleaned the damn thing constantly, went to the dermatologist, no one could figure it out!! I had forgotten about that

    • This is weird. I was married before marrying the cheater. During my first marriage my finger would blister up too. Stress at the time. No cheating in the first marriage.

    • Same here! I became allergic to the ring. Skin peeling, burning, itchy long even after I stopped wearing it. Now that he’s been gone for a few months I haven’t had any issues.

    • My ring finger broke out in little, itchy bumps and the ring suddenly felt as though it weighed ten pounds. I stopped wearing it, and the bumps and itching resolved. I started wearing it again, and broke out in little, itchy bumps. Over and over until I just took it off and put it in the closet. Now I know that the original problem started about the same time as he started his “emotional affair” with his ex. (He denies a physical affair, and I cannot prove differently but we all know cheaters lie. And anyway, it was not OK with me that when I needed him most, he was always unavailable.)

  • My ex left on September 13th, he sent me a text while i was on a work trip. I told him to be out of the house by the time I got home and I never looked back. Two months later we put our house up for sale and it sold within a week. So I bought a townhouse that my teens and I lived in for the next year and a half, and that is where we started living again. A few months after we moved in I was looking for a pic of our townhouse for my daughter’s art project and found our listing online for our townhouse… it was listed September 13th. I took this as my sign that I was making the right steps

  • Nothing to do with the end of my marriage but I remember being devastated back in high school when I didn’t get into my first two college picks and had to go with my third choice. Well, that turned out to be a really good fit for me both socially and academically and for my future career. If I had gone to one of the others, I don’t think I would have fit in at all and they would not have provided the foundation for my future career. The school I went to is ranked just as high and has just as low an acceptance rate as the ones that rejected me. Maybe the admissions boards at these three schools all knew something I didn’t. In the end, I was grateful for those rejections that brought me to the right place.

  • On the first night of our honeymoon, the jacuzzi in our hotel room was broken. It made an ungodly noise and wouldn’t turn off. The next morning, my ex husband tried to open the sliding door to the balcony and split open his finger from tip to mid knuckle. Whole day was spent finding a clinic that could stitch it.

  • If I ever write a novel about my life, this will be the foreshadowing moment…when I got my engagement ring back from being sized, I noticed a huge flaw in the diamond that I hadn’t noticed when we picked out the ring. I never went back to try to return it or complain, I just lived with it. Definitely a metaphor.
    Then years later there was that psychic that told me to look up narcissistic personality disorder. I didn’t give her any information before.

    • Eek. I had never thought about the flawed stone. I saw it when it was his grandmother’s stone in her ring and flawless. As soon as he proposed, I saw that the stone in the new setting had a black mark. And I was also married to a narc. No clue what a narc was until after discard day and I spent weeks reliving the crazy discard. Then with therapy and YouTube it was clear he had narc & sociopath characteristics.

  • Oh yes, and as for the marriage omens….A couple of years before everything blew up we had this New Mexico clay pot thing that was supposed to symbolize love and marriage that had been a wedding gift from somebody. It fell off the mantel and broke. Ex replaced it with a new one.

  • Mount St Helens (Washington State / USA) blew her top the day he propsed……She tried to tell me, but I was not paying attention!

    Oh and we got married on the 13th of the month…….

    Love how all of us continue to ForgeOn! Love to all….

  • Not an omen but I went to visit my Aunt who had been cheated on by her ex many years before and long since divorced and happily remarried. I was in the FRESH stage, just finding out and in utter shock not knowing how I would survive. Somehow her ex came up and she was cracking up telling me her kids probably have other 1/2 siblings but she will never know. SHE WAS LIGHT AND LAUGHING! He left her alone with four young children and no support that I am aware of. She struggled to raise the kids. I still couldn’t tell her what was happening with me (because I still hadn’t told anyone thinking we may stay together) but that was SO needed at that moment. It really gave me hope.

  • After my father passed away, I moved my business to my home. I was often working 60 hours plus a week with lots of on-call jobs and many late nights.
    Soon after I moved it, I found myself “screaming out.” Yep all alone in my truck, and it would just be an emotional vomit scream, and that would be it. I would think to myself, what the hell was that? Did I just drive through an indian burial ground? The cool part, when I did this. It was precisely at the same spot everytime, no matter which route I came in on. It was an as a crow fly’s mile radius thing, not a spot in the road thing. In marriage counseling, I brought this up, and my X jumped on the fact I worked too much, and that was our problem. At this time, it was before I discovered just how bad her shit was.

    Guess what? As soon as my first D-day occurred, I never screamed again. It was her and her bullshit that was setting off my intuition. The home was not safe with her in it, and either my amygdala or micro-biome( they hate infidelity as well) was screaming DANGER! Do not go there.

    • I used to have dreams in which my XBF was a total asshole to me. I would wake up and tell him about it and we would laugh. Nope. Was actually my subconscious trying to tell me something.

      A couple years later, last October, a friend of mine passed away. His ex-wife had been my best friend at one point and she always said that we were best friends because I had all the best qualities of her ex. When XBF and I bought our house, the friend and his new wife lived a couple doors down and we became friends. When he passed away, his new wife said “I can’t write in the obit that I was his soul mate because you were. You two were so much alike”.

      I swear that the feeling to look at XBFs phone one and a half months after my friend’s passing, was from my friend. I always promised XBF I would never look at his phone and I just had a gut feeling that one night.

  • i have a couple things that happened

    *on our wedding night we entered the hotel room there were red roses and petals on the bed, champagne and a boombox (was the 90’s). I thought oh wow he’s so thoughtful so romantic. It was the wrong room, they gave us the wrong key.

    *On the day he was going to tell me a pretty big d-day truth there was a tornado warning and I couldn’t get home to meet him

    *the last time he had binge drunk himself almost to death (it happened a lot that last year together) he was in my guest room “recovering” and a lightening bolt stuck a tree in our yard and the bolt climbed through the yard up our playset

    • It took me two times to get out of bed and look at her phone while she slept.
      First time I walked around the bed in the dark and felt massive shame for wanting to look at her phone. Laid back down, but was up within 10 minutes carrying her phone to the bathroom.
      That has been almost four year’s ago.
      Everything in my life has changed, except for No Change, she stayed the same.!

  • Worm proposed on the fly without a ring.
    I messed up my vows at the wedding ceremony, he repeated them sternly until I got them right. At the reception, he walked around by himself talking to his friends. On the honeymoon, he threw a tantrum.
    My current husband proposed with a beautiful ring in Maui overlooking the ocean and black sand beach with a poem that he wrote. I messed up my vows again, this time I got a kiss on the head and we both laughed. At the reception, he never left my side. Guess what? No tantrums on the honeymoon. Three years later, no tantrums.

    • Oh yes. Looking back at the reception, where was my husband? Out on the balcony smoking with friends. Hardly on the dance floor, maybe just to cross it to get to the bar. He never could share the spotlight with me.

  • Signs you say? I’m not a believer but looking back….

    On our wedding day, the limo taking me to the church broke down. In the rain. Hitched a ride with my BIL in the back of his jeep. Traffic for days.

    During the wedding, the priest (a longtime family friend) welcomed everyone to the funeral. I almost wet my pants laughing.

    During the reception, my nana got drunk (hardcore Boston Irish) and told me men were no good, I looked beautiful, but I was wasting my time. “get rid of him as soon as you get a baby in you”

    After the wedding, we were stranded at the venue. My wasband was supposed to coordinate a ride home. That’s it. YOU HAD ONE JOB.

    Got to the airport to leave for our honeymoon, and he didn’t have his passport. Like, not like he didn’t have it on him. He didn’t have one. In the 10 years we lived together before the marriage, he assured me he had an up to date one.

    And that was just the day of and after we got married. God shoulda just written in blood on my wall “RUN LIKE HELL, HONEY”

  • My omen came three days before D-Day in the form of a Facebook post made by cheater husband. It was a picture he had taken during a summer where our state had been ravaged by forest fires. The picture showed a thick layer of smoke in the air, and peeking through was the eerily red sun. He put a caption over the photo which said “Life’s too short not to be in love.” This was deep in the midst of the devaluation phase when he made me feel like a piece of unlovable garbage every day. I felt like I was punched in the gut when it showed up at the top of my news feed. It all made sense three days later when I saw a message from Cheater Teacher pop up on his phone.

  • When I was pregnant with my second baby, I noticed the shift with my XH, and that is when the discard began. At the same time, I started getting a rash on my ring finger which I had never had before, I also started having dreams that he was having an affair, but I chalked it all up to hormones at the time. I think they were definitely signs of the impending doom.
    One of the signs that it was going to be okay was a beautiful rainbow I saw on my way home from work one night after the divorce was final, and the song Rainbow by Kacey Musgraves, those were my signs that better days were ahead.

  • I had been deeply unhappy with the trajectory of our marriage for over 2 years. I had been begging him to step up to the plate and work with me. Instead I got disdain, disrespect, disregard. I had been suspicious that he may not be as faithful as he portrayed himself to be. I was waffling on what I needed to do. And I was petting and feeding that unicorn and busily braiding his mane the whole time.

    I took a trip to visit my mother and take care of some work business. I had one of the worst days of my whole life personally and professionally. That evening I decided to try to call my husband and see if I could get him to talk to me after over a month of silent treatment and stonewalling.

    All during that day my left hand ring finger had been aching and aching. I never took my wedding ring off for pretty much any reason, not even when I was kneading dough. I had worn that ring for 17 years with no problem. I couldn’t figure out why my finger was hurting so badly.

    The phone call did not go well. He knew how terrible my day had been and he didn’t acknowledge it in any way at all. He just didn’t care. Nor would he acknowledge or address anything about our relationship, or admit to the affair I was certain he was having.

    I remember sitting in my mother’s kitchen realizing that my marriage was dead and I needed to start looking at getting a divorce. While I was doing that I was unconsciously rubbing my hand and I took my ring off. My hand immediately stopped hurting. That was the last time I wore that ring.

  • The week that I got the judge to finally agree to kick my ex out of the house and I was able to get back in it and get it ready to sell.. A letter from another county showed up in the mailbox. Turns out it was perfect timing for me to get as we were in a custody eval and the letter was a court date for him because he had been picked up for drunk driving on a weekend he had our child. luckily she wasn’t with him but mind you this was during our eval when he had been telling our eval person that he doesn’t drink and all he wants is time with our child. I needed this as he was so charming and had been winning over our evaluator. Without this I’m not sure if I would have gotten more time with our child because he can be that charming to everyone.
    I had many of what my friend call “God Winks” little things that either helped me like the above or reminded me why I left and why I needed to continue to fight. Pay attention to those god winks. They could be comments from random strangers or things you see that remind you or things that help you in your fight!! I am so thankful for them!

  • Oh gosh, where to begin?? This one’s pretty good. My sister posted a link on facebk to Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft that explains how abuse works. I read it from cover to cover in a couple of days and went into deep shock as I realised why my marriage was hopelessly f*cked and had been for years – and that I actually couldn’t fix it. Yet I decided against talking to my sister about it. I was going to keep right on spackling. I went to Mass that evening, it was crowded and I slipped into the end of a pew near the back. When we had to turn and greet the people round us just before Mass began guess who was sitting next to me? My sister doesn’t live very near, and doesn’t usually go to my Church. She was housesitting for a friend. If that isn’t a 4×2 message from above that IT WAS TIME TO SORT THAT SH*T OUT I don’t know what is. She thought I wanted to tell her off for posting the book, but instead I had a minor nervous breakdown on her sofa. She was such a help to me through the whole painful process. As was the no-nonsense advice and experience from Chump Nation. It was also the only time in my whole married life of 25 years that I had a 2 month window of opportunity while he was far away, to make a clean exit and have it all done by the time he got back. But I was still in two minds, looking for anything to give me a reason to stay – until the phone call a week before he came home, when I told him I had cleared the spare bedroom for a study and music practice room. When he said he was planning to use it for a painting studio when he got back thank you very much, that was it, the last nail in the coffin. Monsieur Pastiche has the whole house to paint in now if he wants to.

  • The marital home house number was the exact same as his office street number. Turns out they were both his playpen for extramarital fun. All his OWs were his office subordinates so I guess it was easy for them to remember his home address to visit while I was out of town.

  • TwinkleDick’s entire engagement effort was less than minimum. It started off fine. He took me to the jewelers and let me pick out a nice diamond engagement ring and put money down on it. I watched them write my name on it and tuck it away for me. A few months later and he proposed with a different ring. It wasn’t even a diamond and it wasn’t meant to be an engagement ring. When I asked why, he said he couldn’t afford it. At the time I didn’t want to be seen as vain, but I was crushed. I wouldn’t have picked it out if he couldn’t afford it, but he agreed. It made me feel like he just couldn’t be bothered with any extra effort for me. On top of that, he asked me to marry him while I was folding laundry. I didn’t even realize he was proposing at first because I was looking at the laundry. He planned nothing. He didn’t make it even a little bit special. The two things combined made me feel like I wasn’t worth it to him – and I wasn’t. It was the biggest sign of our future life together but I didn’t want to seem like one of “those girls“ who insists on something big and gets mad when she doesn’t get what she wants.

    A few days before the wedding our flower girl broke out with a red rash all over her body. She’s TwinkleDick’s niece and his aunt had arranged for another one of his cousins (big Irish Catholic family) to step in if needed. She ended up recovering.

    The factory where his uncle worked caught fire the day before our wedding and they weren’t letting anyone leave. He was speaking at our wedding and faxed a copy of his reading to his daughter to step in. He was able to make it.

    We got married Thanksgiving weekend and when we got to the reception hall they had it dressed for Christmas. We did NOT have a Christmas -themed wedding, not even close (colors were blue and purple). I asked why and they said the mother of the bride called as asked for the hall to be decorated for Christmas and they just thought it was my mom – it was not. To this day (almost 20 years later) I have no idea who called them (it wasn’t my MIL, she wouldn’t have even thought of it.

    So many signs of me having to compromise on things that mattered to me while he just sailed through and didn’t care.

    • Oh, THIS ONE. This one grabbed me.

      The RING and the PROPOSAL. Lord, but I should have been paying attention!

      The RING: He asked me to pick out a ring, and I found one I LOVED. (I’m not one of “those girls” like Mama Luna mentioned, so it wasn’t usual of me to get excited about a piece of jewelry like this. But I WAS about THIS ONE.) Then I left on deployment, 100% certain that he’d gotten The Ring. I mean, that’s why he asked me to pick it out, right? And this is something I’ll be wearing for the rest of my life, right?

      The PROPOSAL: We had talked about getting married, but still no engagement. I wondered how he was going to do it. Skywriter? Hot-air balloon? Trained dolphin? Getting married is a big deal, man! Of course he’d put thought into something so important.

      REALITY: He asked me in the bathroom of a half-rate hotel, as I was putting my make-up on. No fanfare: it was like asking what sauce I wanted with my nuggets. AND he did it with another ring! Not the one I pick out at all (and one which, not insignificantly, cost half as much as the one I wanted.) He even Sad Sausaged me about that, repeatedly asking, “Are you sure you’re okay with this ring, even though it doesn’t cost as much as the other one?” The WAY he kept asking me that question … the tone … I can still hear it in my head, and still feel how WEIRDLY WRONG it was, for some reason.

      OOOH, but he was so good at that. What could I say? Was I going to make a fuss and be one of “those girls”, and actually get what I wanted, how I wanted it? Of course not!

      And so began the Age of Darkness, when I would make my needs smaller and smaller so I wouldn’t make this delicate creature feel like he’d done something wrong.

      Gah.
      Thanks for that reminder, Mama Luna. I was thinking there’d been no sign, but no … it was a big one. There’s no way I’m letting anything like that within a 5 mile radius of me in the future.

      • Oh the ring! For our 20th anniversary, he bought me a setting with a CZ in the center until we could get a real diamond. (it was a doozy, 2ct, so I waited patiently). Anyway, a few months before the 30th (ten years later), we finally put a big freaking diamond in it. I should be thrilled, right??!!

        He told me that I “ruined it” because I wasn’t appreciative enough. AND all he got was a closed-mouth kiss as a thank you…. as this point, my intuition knew everything was wrong and he made my skin crawl.

        You see friends, for the narcissist, it’s all about them. The show. Look! My wife has a big fucking ring! Aren’t I something! And then when they give you something, its never just because it is beautiful and they want you to have it. It’s always about what they would get in return. In “The gift of fear”, the author calls this “loan sharking”. The ex asshat was nice, but not kind. There is a HUGE difference. Nice does things to get something. Kind just is. Now I know the difference.

      • Ah yes, the engagement. When we first started talking about marriage, I told him that when the time came, I wanted a nice proposal with a ring. I had been married before, but had never actually been proposed to and I wanted that. Turns out there was no proposal. Just one day he informed me that he would liked to be married by his friend, Father Sam, and by the way Father Sam’s church was available on such and such date. So, when I agreed, I guess we were engaged. But no ring.

        Just before Christmas that year, about seven months later, he asked me what I wanted my ring to look like — I thought he was going to surprise me with a ring. We were on our way to work. I told him I loved diamonds and would like an oval diamond solitaire. He nodded sagely and dropped me off at work and went to park the car. At Christmas, the only package under the tree for me was about four feet high.

        Christmas morning, I dragged myself to the tree and when my turn, opened that enormous box. Inside was a smaller box, and a smaller box, and a smaller box. Finally, there was a box for a garlic keeper, a little clay pot with holes. It looked brand new, and I thought it was my gift, so I exclaimed that I had always wanted one. (Spackling?) It turns out there was an even smaller box inside, and inside that box there was a ruby. No ring, no diamond. Just a ruby. It was for my wedding ring, he said.

        I didn’t get a proposal OR an engagement ring, but my wedding ring was lovely. It looks nothing like an actual wedding ring which means that one day I’ll be able to wear it on my right hand to mark the Tuesday I’ve achieved “Meh.” It hasn’t happened yet, but it will.

  • While we were taking pictures during the wedding reception, someone from XW’s family decided to take a (XW’s Maiden Name) only family picture. As the newest member of their family, I went to pose with my bride, and I was barred from being included in the photograph! That memory stuck with me, especially when I saw how easy it was for her family to toss me aside and allow the AP in my stead.

  • Um, not so much a portent, as a DIRECT MESSAGE:

    wonderful therapist, breaking her neutrality:

    “Do not marry him, he will make you very unhappy”

    But he was breathtakingly handsome etc and love bombing. I was smitten.

    Goodness me she was prophetic. It all happened just as she said.
    First person in my life who was on my side. I still remember her with gratitude

  • One of the worst things that ever happened to me was dating my Cheaterpants. I suffered years of verbal and emotional abuse by him but I just couldn’t leave as he was very good at manipulating me and I was very much dating his potential.

    Finding out he cheated on me gutted me – I thought that was the worst thing ever. However, now many years out I see it as the best thing that could have ever happened! The discovery of the cheating (something I knew to be unequivocally wrong) led me to drop him like a hot potato and liberate myself from him. In the recovery from the horrific relationship, I learned to be strong and not to take shit from anyone. I am a better person for having endured this grueling experience although you couldn’t pay me to go through it again!

    Silver lining? Hang in there Chumps it gets better.

  • My exh and I went on our dream holiday to Hawaii to get married, we are in the uk it was a big deal! Just us, we didn’t want a huge wedding, we wanted to pledge ourselves to each other in private. On the day we got married my father left my mother for another woman, leaving her with our 2 small children, broken and distraught. Our anniversary was never happy as it brought up all those awful memories.
    I found out about exh’s affair on holiday with our 5 adult and teenage kids, our flight there was great, the landing was the worst I’ve ever experienced in my 30years of air travel. I pointed out that I hoped this wasn’t an indicator that we would have a holiday to remember for all the wrong reasons – understatement of the century!

  • I was still married to the violent asshole drunk, still walking on eggshells any time I was near him and going down faster than I could tread water. One night I was in bed asleep and I had a different nightmare from the usual nightmares of being stuck in a maze or a diamond mine and struggling to find the way out. This time I was at home in England and taking care of my dad who somehow had turned into a baby (I had just seen Benjamin Button so that might be where that came from). So baby dad kept messing himself and I would clean him up and change his clothes and then lo and behold he would do it again and I’d have to start cleaning him up again. Now this was never my reality because although my dad did have dementia and was in a bad way at the end I was living in France so I was never the one to take care of him physically. Anyway, baby dad messed himself yet again (in my dream) and I sat down next to him and said “dad I can’t do this anymore if you don’t help me”. All of a sudden the baby became my dad as a handsome young man. He leaned over me and said “but you don’t realize how close I really am to you do you”! At that I woke up sobbing and my ex and my boys came dashing in to see what was the matter. It was only after I had calmed down that I realized it was 17 July – the anniversary of my dad’s death. About six months later I started divorce proceedings!

  • Towards the end of my marriage I had recurring dreams about a little kitten that (in the dreams) was living in a box in a coal room in the basement of the house I had grown up in.
    In the dreams I saw myself going down into the basement and opening the coal room door to see the kitten and every time I did, the poor little thing was missing a part of a leg or it’s tail. In every dream there was more and more gone until eventually the poor thing was just a head and body with no limbs or stubs left at all. They were very disturbing dreams and I woke up very upset after every one of them.
    I told my best friend about the sad, horrible dreams and after alot of discussion we realized that the kitten represented my marriage. It was falling apart bit by bit until finally there was nothing left of it except the fact that we were still living in the same house.
    I guess my subconscious got sick of my heart holding on to what it knew was already dead and slapped me in the face with those horrid dreams.

  • *Pre-marriage, I took a photo of Ex to a psychic. She took one look at it and said, “Do not go near this man. I wouldn’t touch him with a 10-foot pole. He will SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF YOU.”
    *Wedding night, big storm blew in. As the priest asked Does anyone object to this marriage, there was a HUGE boom of thunder.
    *One-year anniversary trip, a bottle of champagne is delivered to our room, no note attached. Ex pauses, then takes the credit for having ordered it for me. My parents reach out a few hours later, asking if we’d gotten the champagne they’d sent?
    *Things continue terribly. Ex plans nothing for Valentine’s Day, takes me for Chinese at the last minute. My end-of-meal fortune cookie was EMPTY.
    *Ongoing terrible marriage. I develop vertigo; I am dizzy and literally off-balance.
    *Marriage sucks. On third anniversary, I spend weeks prior buying presents and treats, cards and cold champagne. He works late. Says he has no time to make plans. Arrives home late, sees my giant spread, and says, “Oh, I totally forgot our anniversary!”
    *Terrible marriage is terrible. I have regular nightmares about vampires chasing me. BECAUSE HE IS SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF ME.
    *I dump the mfer already.
    *In the plant bed outside the bedroom window there is a thorny vine that has never produced leaves, flowers, or anything the entire time we lived there. Within a few weeks of the Ex moving out, the vine produces a huge, red rose.

  • I had been planning a trip with my kids to my home state and ex wasn’t going to go. Then he decided he wanted to go and of course we had to spend our trip walking on eggshells so his majesty wasn’t annoyed by us.

    I convinced him to stay in our hotel room one day and the boys and I went sightseeing…..we had the best time!

    Then he went to see his family by himself and I was glad he was gone. I was depressed when I went to pick him up at the airport.

    Also, I have intestinal issues and they improved by 90% when I told him we were done.

  • I don’t believe in omens. I believe things happen which are totally coincidental and people impose a meaning on them after the fact in order to try to make some kind order out of chaos. It’s a common cognitive distortion and totally understandable if you’ve been through something awful. You want to think the universe, or God, or whatever, was giving you signs which you ignored. That makes it sort of your fault for not listening, which is less scary than knowing everything is random and you just have rotten luck.

  • I have shared this story here before but it might bear repeating. We flew to Vegas to get married and everything that could go wrong, did. We missed our flight, they over booked our room and the car we rented when we got there blew up on the freeway. When we finally got to the wedding chapel that I had booked two months in advance…. it had burned to the ground and there was nothing but crime scene tape around it. Honest to dog, I looked up to the heavens where my mother lives and said ‘Mom are you trying to tell me something?’ If that wasn’t the Burning Bush, I don’t know what is.

    It reminded me of one of my favorite scenes in Steve Martin’s ‘The Man with Two Brains’ where he asks for a sign. Lol

  • OK… I’m nervous as hell being a virgin on this site but here goes.

    Speaking about virginity, I gave mine to my husband. I was 26, never been in a serious relationship before and came into it being idealistic and romanticising the idea of a one true love. Poor me.

    Before I started dating him he had already been married, um twice. His first marriage lasted 2 weeks because he says he was forced to marry as they had a child together,a son now 23 who has always lived with his mom in another city. And has always had daddy issues.

    His second marriage lasted a decade and bore 2 kids. According to family and friends and himself it was tumultuous and fighting was daily. At one point they used drugs recreationally together but sadly the wife took things too far and became an addict. Needless to say when she gave birth to their daughter in 2009 she almost killed her shortly afterwards. They say it’s because hubby divorced her. Long story short he got full custody of both the kids and they never saw her since. He was in a very dark place when I met him. He would drink alot and I let him be because I thought he would be OK eventually and get out of his depression after another failed marriage.

    Hubby and I started dating in 2010 and I will admit. What got me was that here is a father looking after his kids. His daughter, still a baby at the time, was staying with his sister but he always made time to see her. Trouble started immediately. He would go out alot, come home drunk, be verbally abusive and start slowly isolating me from family and friends. I really believe I have stayed so long because I started loving his kids like my own. They call me mom to this day and I would go to the end of the world for them. That’s probably why it’s so hard to leave the ass. Hubby would fight verbally and I realised it was just a form of control to get me to a place where I was powerless and weak. He, to this day will go out and come home the next morning and tell me he was at the casino or by a friend blah blah.

    I used to believe all this bullshit. Just imagine. He probaby did all this to his previous wife too. That’s why she went over the edge yes? She talked to other people that he was a cheater. It was just a messy situation.

    And then last year 11 March, two days before my bday I got an anonymous call that there was a lady, whom I know, that is pregnant with his child. I fucking cried for 2 weeks straight. I had never in a million years imagined such a reality. Especially since I had given birth to our twin girls a year prior. His daughter with his mistress is 18 months younger than my girls. And they live down the road. I know I’m not new to this scenario but this stings like a mf. To me the mistress is dead and I cannot bring myself to see the child at all.

    Silly old me decided to fight for my marriage. And partly because I didn’t want mistress to win. They had had a long term affair in public before the pregnancy. Everyone knew and tried to tell me but he kept on denying it saying they were friends and I just clung to hope because, like so many of us chumps, we don’t want to believe a man we love so much would hurt us like this. He said the affair was over just after he found out about the pregnancy and I believed him, shocker I know. He has largely been an absent father to this child which causes all kinds of fights with mistress. In some twisted way it has been satisfying revenge. However the child is innocent and deserves her father’s love and time. Cheater did confess that mistress was also in his life during his second marriage.

    And then, drumroll, a few months later it emerges that he was having another affair with a different woman just after he allegedly ended things with the pregnant mistress. This was a nightmare. I found out because the cheater got arrested. His new sidechick was supposedly extorting him for money and and when he told her he’s not leaving me she went to the police station and told them he raped her during one of their romps in a hotel. The case was thrown out because of the lack of evidence and conflicting info she had given authorities versus his communication with her which I had to scrutinize with his lawyers in which she was getting money out of him and sleeping with him even after the alleged assault. Imagine going through all of this publically humiliating texts at 11pm one night with the lawyers while my babies are crying for my breasts and their father is in a holding cell at the police headquarters.

    I asked him for a divorce towards the end of last year. I’m married islamically and that means the man has to grant me the divorce. There is another way by me going to the Muslim judicial organisation which I threatened him with. He’s been begging and pleading and so have his parents. So I did what alot of us do and postponed it. Silly me. I’m so miserable and unhappy. He can see it. And still everyday goes by and I’m still here, stuck. I am so scared that he would take the two step kids away from me. They are my children. I am their primary caretaker. I love them like I birthed them myself. I never missed a single prize giving, parent meeting (without cheater),, concert, etc. Cheater is only there for us financially, which he will hold over my head because he is wealthy and I left my work and studies for my kids. He is only about his money. He has not taken any steps to change. Just this morning he came home at 8am after leaving the house 13 hours prior. The kids are used to his behavior which is even sadder and I feel that I have done a disservice to them and myself by allowing it. He is a person you can’t reason with. He does what he wants.

    And as for social media he blocked me from his accounts from day one. He never posts me or our relationship and his phone is stuck like super glue to his body 24/7. I have sadly allowed this behavior for a decade, as well as the going out alone and boozing because I considered myself to be secure and trusting of him. But more so because I’m a homely person. I could slap myself right now.

    I stumbled upon your blog today and it is mind blowing to see how us chumps are not alone. Still, here is one chump that needs a kick up her ass, please. I even consulted a psychic medium who told me he would never change and that a new love is waiting for me. She validated all my worst fears. He had never been faithful. Not ever. He was still cheating. The motherfucker was always cheating.

    Which brings me to the current topic of this blog. (sorry for the long monologue earlier) On my way to see the psychic medium I came across a radio station that had a segment where you call in with your problems and that day a lady called in with MY exact story. I knew it was not coincidence.

    Yes I ignored red flags, yes I have done too much forgiving, yes I have done the self blaming and yes I have overlooked too much. But here I am one year later still married to cheater. Slap me across my face.

    But guess what. This morning I woke up on my 36th birthday and asked the motherfucker to give me a divorce as a birthday present. He says I’m selfish and not thinking about the kids blah blah. And has been treating me like shit all day. Which I’m used to. It’s all about him remember? Birthday? What’s birthday?

    I hope to be divorced as soon as possible!!

  • The day I found out about affair, a teenager drove into the back of my car. Everything was fine with accident; no injuries. Tried repeatedly to get ex on phone, but he was no where to be found. Suddenly, I just knew a shit show was about to befall me. It was one of those indefinable moments in my life. I’ve had them on occasion about a number of things, but that was the first. In that moment, I came to recognize a higher power of some kind.

  • The night of our marriage, I dreamt I married the wrong man, that I should have married this other man, even though we were just friends. I had zero romantic feelings for him, and he came out as gay a number of years later (my ex is gay, but won’t admit it), so take that for what it’s worth.

  • Lots of small blessings. Following a tear filled visit to cemetery (I’ve been missing my late mother) I went to a park volunteer event. There, on a table, was a flower arrangement and description composed by a young student with the same unusual first and last maiden name as my mother.

  • Ex is an obs/ gynae consultant.His four digit medical council registration number begins with 666.
    I rest my case.

  • I remind myself that everything can turn out for good. As far as lucky numbers, I met xh on 4/7, we got married on 7/7, at year 31 – I was officially divorced from Mr Lucky 7. It wasn’t on the 7th LOL. But my comment is that when I picked out my wedding ring, I wanted to have a band only, he insisted on an diamond engagement ring, I agreed, the jewelry soldered it together. During my LONG chump marriage those rings broke apart at least 4 times. Each time it was repaired, cheater pants narc would always increase the size of the diamonds. NEVER carried bc I knew we were never a match. Didn’t fit together no matter what it looked like. YOU can’t weld a marriage together with a cheater.!!!

    • I just realized that our first date was on June 13th and our last date was on July 13th. And our final anniversary was for 13 years.

  • My ex-hole wouldn’t take his clothes and things when he left so I put everything he owned into boxes and stacked them in the garage. I asked him nicely over six months to please collect his things. He would never even respond to my emails.

    Then one day, a pipe burst in the garage and water poured down all over the boxes and soaked his things including books and electronics. He was then forced to come and take all the messy crap away and confront the weird crap he’d kept over the years and never de-cluttered. It was so cleansing for me that the universe dealt with his things when I couldn’t make him do it!

  • Well I can’t say I believe in association by numbers or just coincidences… but I was born on the 13th and yet my BD was on Friday 13th too. Also it seems like any important date has a 3 in it so it’s easy to remember the good and hard to forget the bad at the same time.

  • When my dad met my last husband, Dad kept calling him “Joe” but his name was not Joe or anything like it. It became a running joke for the 12 years we were together.

    Fast forward, nearly 3 years after divorcing from that loser, and I’m dating a man named Joe.

    It’s early, but I really like him and I think he might turn out to not be a loser.

    Oh, and it turns out after my brushes with insanity after d-day, and my ex’s petty calls to the sheriff’s dept every time my anger displeased him, and getting visited by any number of deputies afterward, that Joe is the chief sheriff’s deputy in a neighboring county…. and so far, he doesn’t think I’m crazy.

    • How wonderful! What a pleasant turn of events for Joe. And how nice to have a professional say you’re not crazy.

  • A few months after I was married (we were just 23 years old kids! ), the ex and I were on vacation in the Florida Keys, where my godparents had a boat and a house they would use during the summers. We were all sitting on a sandbar, a few yards from shore, when my ex lost his heavy tungsten ring. This thing sank to the bottom and buried into the soft sand real quick. Well, everyone in our party was sure it was a goner, but me being the persistent chump that I am, dived in and by sheer luck, I found it! Awesome right!?!?! Ten years later, ex left me for his co-worker after hurling every type of abuse one can on those they vowed to love, honor cherish. As I now know, is part of the Cheater’s Playbook. So, yeah I think the universal was telling me to release him back into the wild even back then!

    Interestingly enough, the universe does give chances to find some form of closure in these types of situations I suppose. I still had his wedding ring after the divorce (long story folks…ugh) so I chucked that son of a bitch back into the ocean when I was back in the Florida Keys last Thanksgiving. tee-hee. 🙂

    • Ha ha!
      My STBX lost his ring in our yard and my dumbass purchased a metal detector to find it (which I did). Should have left it in the yard for the dogs to poop on.

  • This all passed me by at the time. But he didn’t buy a wedding ring (or come to think of it an engagement ring) until a few weeks before the wedding – and we then went to a shop that would give him a discount. For the actual wedding he left ordering a new suit until three weeks before and guess what it wasn’t ready and he didn’t have a haircut for the occasion. Given that he had dumped his fiancee of the time shortly before their planned wedding (now the OW after 45 plus years) was he hedging his bets? He simply decided not to marry her and not see her again without any real explanation. When he ran away from me 38 years later leaving just a little note for me to find it suddenly clicked that it was his MO. For many years she simply didn’t exist for him and now I don’t.

    He was born on the 13th, we married on the 13th and he secretly packed on the 13th leaving early on the 14th. Still I am sure 13 is lucky for some but perhaps 14 is my lucky number

    .

  • There was a very violent thunderstorm the morning of our wedding. At a time of year where they are very rare. It was like the skies were being ripped open. A bad omen. For me.

  • I took Xanax for a while. Was in my early 50’s and shot 3 rounds in the 60`s and got my handicap down to scratch that summer. I could draw the ball by simply thinking of my cheating wife. Could dramatically hook it if needed by dwelling on her. My putting was great on Xanax.

  • Reading these stories has my memory working overtime. The shaving off beard stories… here’s mine. The asshole had a bear, had it his entire adult life, now I know why. I never cared one way or the other about beards but felt if you had one it should be kept neat and trimmed. Well, guess what… as soon as he found out how I felt about bushy beards and bushy eyebrows, you can imagine what comes next! I was constantly begging him to trim his beard and eyebrows. One evening I was preparing dinner and he walked in and his beard and eyebrows looked awful. I made another comment about him being a professional, he should look the part! This time he went into a rage, he ran to our bathroom and angrily shaved his beard off! To get back at me, I guess. OMG when he came to the dinner table I was horrified to see his full face, no chin, no lips and the exaggerated snake eyes! I gasp thinking how ugly he was my two girls started crying and my half blind grandmother, who was visiting ask if he would grow it back! But that’s not all… he is a lawyer and his “friends” at the court house got a judge to issue a court order for him to grow it back! Hilarious! Did I tell you about the time I witnessed him sitting in the car in out driveway, pulling the mirror down and purposely messing up his eyebrows before coming thru the door! No shit… you can’t make this up! What a lovely life I HAD with the asshole! Now I am looking in the rear view mirror! YEA ME!

    • It’s not unusual and you aren’t crazy. I’m used to hide my vulnerabilities because of my narcissistic father. If he had known what bothered me (or anybody else in the family) he would have done it on purpose just to annoy us (like your ex messing up his brows). It’s sadistic, really.

      Interestingly, my mother had been overweight throughout their marriage even though she was trying all the time to lose weight. After he died she’d lost around 50 pounds. Officially, it was a rare side effect of her medication. In fact, she no longer needed thick skin around him. Her health much improved, too.

  • I’d like to thank the 2008 recession for keeping me from quitting my job. I had been on maternity leave and was contemplating quitting for good. When it hit, I knew that I shouldn’t give up my place, and it was a good thing that I didn’t because I would have been up the creek without a paddle when I learned about the cheating three years later. At that point, I had returned to work, drew a steady paycheck, had great health insurance, and was able to move forward without having to panic about employment and how I was going to provide for my children. I’m sorry for those who lost so much during that recession, but I was able to (strangely enough) gain a life because of that recession.

  • I never did believe in all that hocus pocus superstition stuff. Just red flags looking back, lots and lots of them. Those things are actually my superstitions now! I avoid super tall men (x was 6’6”), if he knows me in person and asks me out on an app, I won’t go out with him (that’s one of the ways the x met available women).

  • Ex and I planted a tree at my mum’s place. We called it our love tree. It withered and died almost immediately. Everything around it flourished.

  • Shortly after my-ex husband and I got married, I was unpacking things at our new apartment. The cat knocked the wedding cake topper off the kitchen table and the groom’s head broke off. My cat smacked it all the way down the hallway and continued to play with it for weeks. I never did glue it back on for some reason.

  • After our engagement party, he went out with his mates. I went home alone;of course, I was locked out. Slept on the verandah until he got home at about 8am. Went to the UK to meet his family.
    Had only been home for a couple of weeks when my engagement ring flew off of my finger in the supermarket! Nobody could find it.
    Should have taken the hint.

  • We had a car accident on the way to the wedding ceremony. Car was towed & later ‘totaled’ by insurance. We were late but we still got married.
    Pictures taken on day of wedding were all dark with shadows.
    Restaurant where we had a small reception closed afterwards.
    There was other foreshadowing that I ignored. I’m smarter now & cheater free. Sometimes you just gotta go through the hard stuff to become stronger & wiser.

  • Not to be morbid … my cheating ex Husband’s mistress
    died 2 years after I divorced him. She was buried on
    September 11, 2017.
    Karma was served.

  • Too many to recount. He made a bungled attempt to propose to me which he retracted half way through – we were both RC so divorce would be tricky and all that.
    I witnessed his lying skills for the first time when I was working in London and he had come from Germany to visit me.
    He called his mother and she wanted to know why he wasn’t coming home if he was in England. He made up a convoluted story that was a pack of lies instead of just telling the truth.
    In the chaosta of the first Dday a picture fell of the wall for no reason – a portent of death.
    During a crisis in our unhappy engagement I tried to tell my mother over the phone of my doubts – her chief concern was that she had just ordered 60 trifles for the evening reception – for the information of non UK chumps trifle is a sickly pudding.
    I was also plagued with dreams about my wedding where something went wrong…I didn’t have my veil…my shoes were black…the car had broken down.

  • The horse that was supposed to carry us to the wedding (in a carriage) died the day before the wedding and the fire alarm went off in our suite at midnight on our wedding night

  • In the years leading up to D-Day 1, I came down with an eye problem, recurrent corneal erosion, which causes the layers of epithelium on the surface of the cornea to separate and tear. It does no long-term damage, but since the surface of the cornea has 100 times the density of nerve endings on your your finger tip, it is excruciatingly painful, like rusty scissors being jabbed into your eyes and twisted. After the divorce, the RCE virtually disappeared. In hindsight, seems like God was saying. “OPEN THE EYES I GAVE YOU AND SEE THE DANGER THAT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.”

  • The house where we first lived, and got married from, was a big old Colonial Revival. We had the humongous first floor (a pantry! in Brookline!!) and it was fun, even if the layout was weird.

    At the end, while I was trying to decide if I should divorce the fucker, I was strong armed into a family dinner down the road one weekend. I had a panic attack, and called the exhole to come rescue me (yeah, confused.) He did, and we drove by our our old place.

    The facade was intact, but some developer had knocked down the entire back of the house, presumably for pricey condos or a McMansion. Anyway, you could see the moonlight filtering through the absent house. Metaphor or what?

  • Well not a bad omen for me as far as I’m concerned since I haven’t seen her face in almost 2 years, but Europe was declared the epicenter of coronavirus on March the 13th. Her birthday. Come to think of it, she was the embodiment of disease. An absolutely awful, toxic, disgusting human being.

  • I was on my 3rd date with my boyfriend. He was a smart guy, divorced, a few kids and some women I worked with adored him and always described as such a nice guy. Outside the restaurant, I remember standing on sidewalk talking to him when this really really dark ominous feeling came over me. It had never happened before nor has it ever happened since, but the feeling was really dark, like something unnatural and out of this world. I remember thinking to myself, “This guy is normal and nice, everyone likes him.” So I blew it off. 2.5 years later I discover all the women he was fucking. This guy was a complete sociopath and it was where I first learned of gaslighting. I’ve since learned to trust my gut and I now follow these strange and random feelings or intuitions. Small blessings have happened as a result. It’s actually kind of weird, but that’s another story.

  • The X has a fast, flashy car. Unbeknownst to me, while they were starting their affair, I told him that I didn’t feel like I belonged in that car (even though he had it for 2 years), and that I pictured a long haired, younger bimbo coming out of it instead, which I thought would suit his image (and the car) better.

    Also during this time, in my dreams, I kissed someone else. And when I woke up, I could almost taste him – it was one of the most surreal dreams I’ve ever had. It was also during that time, when I would dream that I was having an affair. I’ve never dreamt of things like this, of having affairs/kissing other guys. It was so weird that I wrote it down in my journal. When I knew about the affair, I checked the date of my dreams and it was when they started seeing/fucking each other.

  • I can count exactly two moments in my life when I felt sheer terror; that fight or flight feeling that comes from knowing your life is in danger.

    The first time was when I was a kid walking to elementary school with my sisters and friends. It was trash day and the trash collector came up from behind me and PICKED ME UP while pinning my arms. My companions’ faces mirrored my fear. The guy thought it would be funny to pick me up and pretend to throw me into the back of his truck.

    The other time I felt such terror and dread was the moment my X said, “Well, we should probably get married.” And chumpy me chalked up the terror and dread as “nerves.”

    I’m smarter now and listen to my gut.

  • I had forgotten these wedding day omens.

    1) The unity candle would not light, and it pissed cheater off. So, there in the middle of the ceremony, cheater was not only enraged, but enraged at the pastor, because he had TOLD the pastor, during the rehearsal, that the wick needed to be straightened.

    2) Cheater was pissed off by the photographer who kept trying to get us to pose for this and that at the reception. I mean, why would he want to hang out with the bride in short increments when there was a whole crowd for which he could be sparkling.

    3) Best man broke one of the set of two champagne glasses specially decorated for the happy couple. There would be no toasting each other with those at anniversaries to come.

    Best wedding omen ever was actually at the best man’s wedding, though. Tornado siren went off right in the middle of the vows. They were divorced within a few years.

  • When we were dating, we had conversations about our future. We were already past 30, had our education, gaining experience in our professions. One conversation in particular, we set timelines: get married summer of 2006, giving us a couple of years together before kids and allowing time to have 2-3 kids before turning 40.

    Summer of 2005 was the summer of weddings. Six friends married with one of us or the other part of the wedding party for four of those weddings. It was a very busy and expensive year. As each wedding passed, I was getting “It’s your turn next.” I was getting excited in my anticipation. By the time the last wedding drew to a close in late August, I was wondering why he hadn’t said anything yet. I assumed it was because he didn’t want us getting engaged to steal anyone’s thunder. I would just say, “Oh we’ve got this figured out, just wait and see.” In September, my friends said to me that it looked like their wouldn’t be a wedding in summer of 2006 after all, as the chances of getting a church and a hall for the following summer at that point would be very difficult.

    So, I brought it up in conversation to him. I wasn’t in a panic. I really wasn’t desperate to get married, but I also didn’t want to be in a lurch. Was he still interested in getting married the following summer? He immediately replied that he very much wanted to but just hadn’t gotten around to “officially” asking me with all the busyness of the season. When I told him that I had been informed that we likely wouldn’t be able to manage the venues, he encouraged me to make some phone calls. I made the calls to the list of halls (eight in total) we narrowed it down to. I made the calls to two potential churches. Only one date at one place was left anywhere in town, so we put down the deposit immediately. Early October, I had a church booked, had a hall booked, but hadn’t actually been asked to be married. We didn’t even know if we should tell people yet. It was another two weeks that I came home to my apartment to find my ex preparing a nice meal in which he presented me an engagement ring. I tried to muster elation, but really I felt disappointed.

    There was the first sign that I was marrying someone who has little initiative, who waits to be prompted, who takes the path of least resistance.

    I am two years out of him leaving to be with the OW. About six months ago, I came across the “wedding planning” box in storage, containing all the notes and pictures that went into those nine months of preparation. I had always meant to got through it and put it into a scrapbook. As I went through the items and started tossing things away, I found two sealed envelopes in the middle of our “Marriage Prep” resource books, a course every couple has to take in order to be married in the Catholic Church. They were letters we were given quiet time one evening to individually write to one another to be opened in times of difficulty in the marriage. It started with “I am marrying you because…”

    Mine was a full-page of eleven reasons why I was marrying him that covered acknowledgement of what I believed were our shared values, love of family, what we had in common, and the belief that God has brought us together.

    His letter was five reasons that included (I kid you not) how sexy I am, my bra-up size, and that I am a good cook. He even wrote “You inspire me to want to fight for us.”

    I guess somewhere along the way, I stopped inspiring him…his loss.

  • My Ex and I are both agnostic. So what better place to get married than a church-turned-restaurant-turned-events facility, right? I mean, this was a real church with a pipe organ and stained glass – just no pews.
    So we started serving booze the minute people came in. Dinner was an hour after that. Then, we got married. By this time, everyone’s shmammered (over 100 ppl) and going nuts. Finally, the party ended at 3A.
    Less than a year later, they reconsecrated the church. I think it’s Catholic.

    -SixthSenseChump

  • He was not interested in the planning of the simple ceremony. And certainly had no interest in suggesting a honeymoon location.
    Got married and went back to work the following week. Ta Da! I was the new wife appliance.
    Omen & Lesson- people that give 2 shits will invest in you and the process to build a joint future. People who don’t value you or the relationship are content to sit back and coast, contributing very very little.

  • Not long after Dday, I had a dream that he was raping me – or, rather, he was watching two men rape me while he smirked about it. And then later I had another dream where I was running toward this wide large blue sky- AWAY from him, almost flying. That sky was so beautiful and my feet so light, I was almost flying.

    So maybe my dream self knew what the heart couldn’t yet articulate or handle.

  • I was driving us to our ”honeymoon”, which was really just one night at a hotel, even though he had taken his abusive abandoning father on a $40K “dream hunt” the year before. While on the 10 hour drive back to our home (wedding was in my hometown in a different state) he had just fallen asleep, when our tire blew at full speed in the fast lane. I was scared, but managed to guide us to the side of the road. That was the omen that he would always be asleep or useless when shit went sideways, and I would have to handle it all by myself.

  • I experienced a bunch of synchronicities for a particular date. The month and day of our 1st date ended up being the court assigned, moved twice, exact day of the final divorce 26 years later. The following year on that same date, I was recovering and finally got a financial advisor to meet with me and help me sort my F-ed up financial situation. I ended feeling pretty good and fairly relieved after the meeting and step into the elevator and see the couples therapist we met with during the one affair I knew of 12 years into the marriage (he was an undercover serial cheater who I wreconciled with.) The therapist had moved his office to that building a few years earlier. Then the next year, after an ever-changing, tumultuous on-again-off-again house buying experience, the closing gets moved to that same date!!

    I was kind of excited for the day to come in 2019; sure I’d meet an amazing person or something, but it was just a regular day that time. 🙂

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