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UBT: I Was Too Much Into My Own Lies

A bag of narcissist ego chowHey Chump Lady,

I finally heard from my ex-wife after almost a year. Quick recap — she admitted to having affairs in our marriage and then ran away with another guy. I was wondering if I could submit this letter to the Universal Bullshit Translator:

“I know that I did some fucked up shit and I know how much I devastated you. You did not deserve any of that. Even though it’s not gonna help anything, know that I’m sorry for making you suffer so much.
When we married I was not different from how I’ve always been before during my whole life. I’ve always been a liar. I would always put myself in extreme situations for lying. I was always conscious of doing something bad but never able to prevent myself from doing it. I’m sorry you came across while I was so crazy.

But you need to know that I moved on now. I did change for once and for real. It was always my biggest flaw that of being a liar, but I was finally able to cure myself from that miserable situation.
I know it sucks, but I didn’t want to be married in the first place. I was just too much into my own lies to be able to admit it. The first person I’d lie to was always myself. I’d do it so well that sometimes I’d believe in my own lies. It must be very frustrating for you and awful. But I’d rather tell you the truth than keep your hopes up, now that I can do it.

I’m now in a happy place with myself and it was hard for me to get here. I really hope you’ll move on too, and that you’ll find a good person to share your life with. You deserve someone great because you are great. You really have a good heart and I wish you didn’t have to live my shit.

I do care that you’ll be happy and successful in your life and if you ever need to talk to me I’ll be here.“

Thanks,

BlindedChump

Dear BlindedChump,

How nice of her to pop up in your life and let you know how her Happy Place is going.

Today’s going to be as hot as Satan’s armpit (speaking of your ex), and the UBT doesn’t want to do anything except soak in an ice bath. However, you did offer it some compelling bullshit….

“I know that I did some fucked up shit and I know how much I devastated you.”

Miss me?

You did not deserve any of that. Even though it’s not gonna help anything, know that I’m sorry for making you suffer so much.

It’s a year later. Maybe the suffering has worn off.

Centrality! I’m sorry for all those nebulous fucked-up things I did, which I can’t recall the specifics of, but I do remember you suffered.

It’s not gonna help anything, but your pain is kibbles. #goodtimes

When we married I was not different from how I’ve always been before during my whole life. I’ve always been a liar. I would always put myself in extreme situations for lying. I was always conscious of doing something bad but never able to prevent myself from doing it.

I’m a sociopath. I’ve always been a sociopath. I would always put myself in extreme situations for lying. When I was 6, I told people I was Martha Washington. Not a Power Ranger, or a princess, but the first First Lady of the United States who died in 1802. Extreme!

I would force adults to courtesy. They’d say I was an odd child. “WHERE IS MY RUNAWAY SLAVE?!” I’d shriek. “RETURN HER AT ONCE!” I was always conscious of doing something bad but never able to prevent myself from doing it. I still walk the cobbled streets of Mount Vernon, in petticoats and powdered wigs, muttering curses.

I’m sorry you came across while I was so crazy.

There’s no other way to come across me, really.

But you need to know that I moved on now. I did change for once and for real.

File under “I’ve always been a liar.”

It was always my biggest flaw that of being a liar,

Your biggest flaw is not believing me.

but I was finally able to cure myself from that miserable situation.

Flip! Self-pity. I’ve been afflicted! Miserable! But then I then I cured myself. With a poultice of weasel livers and cassava roots. It doesn’t matter really. Trust me, I’m CURED.

I know it sucks, but I didn’t want to be married in the first place.

Welcome to my elaborately catered farce.

I was just too much into my own lies to be able to admit it.

I was just too much into the wedding registry. I left you a few napkin rings to remember me by. Au Revoir!

The first person I’d lie to was always myself.

And Martha Washington. She feels very bad for me.

I’d do it so well that sometimes I’d believe in my own lies. It must be very frustrating for you and awful.

How frustrating for you to be invested in a wife who appeared committed to you, but was secretly fucking around and then ran off. It’s like trying to open that package wrapping from Amazon. So awful! I feel your pain.

But I’d rather tell you the truth than keep your hopes up, now that I can do it.

I know you keep the home fires burning for me, BlindedChump! But now that I am CURED of my deceit, (THANK YOU WEASEL LIVER), I can tell you the truth — I must CRUSH you again. Do not keep your hopes up! But hold your napkin ring close and think of me.

I’m now in a happy place with myself and it was hard for me to get here.

I’m glad your suffering could be a stepping stone to my happiness.

I really hope you’ll move on too,

Tragic how you’re hung up on me. Not communicating with me for an entire year. By those divorce papers you keep sending me I can tell you’re not moved on.

and that you’ll find a good person to share your life with. You deserve someone great because you are great.

Great kibbles. Find a good person to feed me kibbles too. Double kibbles! Have some kids. Triple kibble portions! I’m sure I can find a way to remain central.

You really have a good heart and I wish you didn’t have to live my shit.

I live in shit. And also a Happy Place. And I am a liar. But cured. Point is, I matter. More than you with your boring good heart. Chump.

I do care that you’ll be happy and successful in your life and if you ever need to talk to me I’ll be here.“

It’s OVER between us! I’m sorry to crush your HOPES! Move on!

Call me!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • “When we married I was not different from how I’ve always been before during my whole life. I’ve always been a liar.”

    When we are in the middle of this and we hear them say such crazy shit, we can make the mistake of not listening to ANY of it, but every once in a while a truth (like above) sneaks through. When they say stuff like this, believe them. The part that came after, no…not that.

    • Agreed. I look back on the stuff that wound occasionally pop out of my ex-husband that at the time I adamantly refused to believe. Ah, hindsight!

      “I hate myself.”
      “No you don’t! You’re just going through a rough time, is all.”

      Turns out he did, and wouldn’t stop until I did. He saved the best for last though. The night he walked out on me for barfly number whoknows he told me that he had cheated in every relationship he’d ever been in and that he couldn’t stop, wouldn’t stop. That I finally believed.

      • That admission was him showing off his cowardly power. Limited blow was that it was always the thrill of the chase. Same admission because we see them.

    • Yes absolutely. Every now & then during wreckonciliation my Fuckwit would come out with the truth amongst all this self-pity shit. Once he said ‘I’d try at every opportunity to have affairs & the only reason I didn’t do it more often was I’d get rejected’. And I stayed some 2 months after that statement because ‘he was a good person in every other way’. My fuckwit had me right where he wanted me. Even his own words about his sociopathy wouldn’t shake the brainwashing out of me. The recovery will be long from this mindfuckery.

    • I usually sit in the bleechers as I read these magnificent words I have the pleasure of seeing here. The experiences some of you all have gone through remind me of my own problems I had to deal with my cheater. But when I read this guys letter from his wife I would have to say that it was my wife that wrote it word for word. I don’t think we were married to the same woman but I know she that letter very well. That sounds like a woman that had the escape affair all planned out. And to please erase this him on his head at the end and tell him that he deserves someone great really disgusts me. We thought we did marry someone great. Just didn’t know that it took years to find out what a great liar she was.

      • Sorry word spell is a killer. Meant to say for her to pet him on the head at the end And tell him he deserves someone great disgusts me.

      • word spell is a killer. Meant to say for her to pet him on the head at the end And tell him he deserves someone great disgusts me.

    • Too right, Unicornnomore. I remember looking at my husband who couldn’t take his eyes off his iPad (worst present I ever gave him, he used it to disengage totally) and saying,

      Your capacity to lie is terrifying

      He replied (without raising his eyes off the screen): I know.

  • Thank you for the UBT on this lady’s mess. Why the hell is she going to write a year later? I don’t get it and hope he did not respond. My ex thinks we are all cool now and maybe friendly – not. I just have to be peaceful and civil did the kids big never to be friends. Thanks for sharing this one.

    • Why? She wants attention —“kibbles,” “cake” as we call it here. It’s ALL about them – vampires!

    • To see if there’s anything to get her hooks into. ‘I hope you’ll move on’ – this deluded mess thinks he’s been sitting at home sobbing into his hanky and not moving from the phone in case she calls. I’d say the other relationship (or string of relationships) has gone south and she’s on the ring-around for kibble. ‘If you ever need to…’ – Nope.

  • CL nails it. This is a hurtful non-apology.

    What I hear her saying is:

    *I’m convinced (happy & hopeful) that you’re still suffering because of ME. Yay!

    *I am so evil that I want you to know that I am supremely happy now that I’m without you, but I’m framing this whole thing as an apology to make me look good.

    *I’ve changed and no longer lie. Na-nana-naa-nah! You got the worst of me. (The implication here is that she found someone else who is better for her, that Blinded somehow elicited the lying. His fault!)

    *Please react in any way to this email. I NEED KIBBLES.

    I’m going to go out on a limb here and posit that the opposite of what she says is true. This is the first stage of love bombing. She’s softening the target (her ex). Her life is shit. She wants back in. The lying worked before; it should work now.

    • Yeah, I’m with you. She’s miserable and looking for a way to worm herself in because a happy person is content and wouldn’t bother.

      A lot of cheating women will discover that lots of men will be happy to sleep with them and can smooth talk them and prey on the stresses of married life. However, they don’t have the emotional attachment that the devoted spouse did. They don’t care about you. They talk a big game and the shine wears off. If it was all perfect, you wouldn’t hear from your ex.

      • I thought the same thing; the bloom is off of the affair, she’s already frustrated or bored with her shiny new toy (or he’s bored with her) and so is seeking out a familiar source of attention, support and love. Surely the person that she emotionally abused and abandoned can’t ignore her, in her time of need?

        Like every liar and cheater since time immemorial, she assumes that a pseudo apology will lure her ex back into her dysfunctional soap opera.

        • Or her new toy got bored or frustrated with her…..narcs tend to reach out to the tried and true when things are not going well.

          • Of course, that affair fog lifts rather quickly when the illicitness and duper’s delight is gone.

      • A lot of cheating men will find that there are plenty of single and married women that will do the same. It is how they get them hooked. Oh you poor thing, your wife doesn’t treat you well, you deserve better, I will offer you love with no strings attached, you know until I get you hooked; then …

        They know exactly what they are doing, and likely have done it many times, until they find the marriage they can destroy to poach a man, and the paycheck.

        I am speaking generally, of course there are no absolutes.

        • For some reason the phrases “poach a man” and “find the marriage they can destroy” bothers me a little.
          It implies passivity on the part of the man. The elephant runs away from the hunter. It does not willingly make plans to meet the hunter on it’s lunch break.

          • True, I just think of it as frustration/anger talk.

            I always hate the comment: “OW didn’t make any vows to you, she owes you nothing” Very true but it doesn’t mean she is innocent, since most of them come into the wife’s home at some point and are complicit in the lies and attacks against the wife and her family and marriage, not to mention complicit in stealing marital assets without consent of the wife.

            Putting that aside, it is true that she owes the wife nothing, conversely the wife owes her nothing. No respect, no consideration, nothing. If the OW can talk trash about the wife to the wife’s husband and others, (and they all do) then it goes both ways.

            In fact I would advise wives to block her from their minds as best they can, for they are nothing but a dumpster for their husband and likely others, deal with the husband. But if they can’t call her every name in the book if it makes them feel better. Trust that OW is doing the same to you. After all the wife made no vow to the OW, and she did make vows to her husband, that she is likely trying to still abide by, though he didn’t.

            • For the longest time I just knew one of the OW’s names. I didn’t know who she was. It was a very common first and last name. One day I heard some one talking about a staff member for our small business. It was her. The were mentioning her work history and her name. THERE WAS NO DOUBT ABOUT IT. She had followed me to my current employer from my previous employer. She never said anything to me about her affair with STBX or her repeatedly contacting him, etc. just was acting like nothing ever happened. Next time I saw her I gave her a very evil glare. She’s broke eye contact and turned away, started wiggling in her chair. I believe she’s got the memo. She’s also in a relationship with at least one child. They both suck

              • Yep, they deserve no respect or consideration at all.

                Yes I know if she was lied to and didn’t know that is different. But, that situation is rare.

                Most have actively conspired with the husband against the wife to destroy their marriage and life.

      • Shesucks…

        I agree. Disconnected, objectifying sex is easy enough to get but it’s gross. I don’t know which sounds worse- being humped and dumped or fawned over by someone desperate enough to debase themselves in exchange for kibble or economic “amelioration.”

    • Yup. Step 1 is “I realize I was bad, but I’m so totally completely not a lying sociopath now – honest!” Step 2 is weaseling back in. Block the email and stay NC.

      • THIS! She first wants him to believe she would never hurt him again and is stating it before she attempts to rekindle the relationship. Do not buy into this. She has not changed. She just wants to know that your world still spins around her and that you’ll drop everything and run back to her at the snap of her fingers.

    • I agree. Her life is probably garbage and she thinks she can wrangle him back through this non-apology. I bet she truly thinks he’s been wallowing without her, waiting for this letter.

      Similar thing happened with my very first cheater. Seven months of no contact, and he pops back up when I’m in a new relationship thinking he can pull me back with a lot of drivel about how he missed me.

      Truth was he’d gotten Schmoopie pregnant and was trying to escape.

      Non-apology letters a year later are ALWAYS motivated by something underhanded. Always.

      • He was probably also competing with your new relationship. No way were you supposed to be happy with someone else and moving on.

        • Oh he got properly bent out of shape when he found out I was with someone new. For literally years. He even accused me of fabricating my engagement to get under his skin and told me “Well it’s not going to work!”

          Except my engagement was real and it drove him crazy.

    • FYI: I’m a liar. ANd I am not lying when I say that. ANd I also don’t lie when I say that I lie, except when I lie which can be now or some other time. Oh, wait, maybe I lie? I’m not sure, it’s so hard to keep track of the lies you tell when you lie all the time…..
      anyways, I just wanna make sure you know I am not lying when I say I did but I regret it, I mean, you get my point, right?
      And if you don’t, I won’t lie to you that it’s your fault, and also if you weren’t the way you were I would not have to lie, or lie that I don’t lie anymore.
      Truce?

    • My ex wife pulled a similar number on me.many times.

      I still don’t understand it although I have several theories.

      My favoured theory is she likes the attention. “Look at me, my ex husband and I are good friends.

      It’s fun not to hold grudges. Life is a big long party. Everyone is happy”

      She has no clue that her constant affairs, lies and emotional abuse she dished out to me while married will never ever be forgotten or forgiven. She will never understand.

  • Nobody changes in a year. According to Dr. George Simon, who has devoted his career to studying “character disturbances”, real change in a character disturbed person takes a minimum of 5 to 10 years of sustained effort, usually with the guidance of a trained professional.

    • “real change in a character disturbed person takes a minimum of 5 to 10 years of sustained effort, usually with the guidance of a trained professional.”

      Loved to see the stats on the failure/success of disturbed characters really changing. I tend not to believe it can happen. I’ve known some disturbed characters and they have no interest in changing. I’ve also known some people that are not narcissists or sociopaths that are just flat out unhappy, angry and miserable. Basically their own worst enemy. They really tried everything to find happiness (Silva Mind Control, Transcendental Meditation, etc.) and for all their genuine effort were still angry and miserable. Very sad.

      • They don’t change. They just learn new tricks to hide it better. And it’s extra fun kibbles for them to toy with the therapist.

      • @KB22

        Dr. Simon has worked extensively with prison inmate populations. These are people who have been hit over the head with the club of consequences. Your garden variety cheater typically faces little-to-no consequences, so there’s little motivation to change.

        Even within prison populations, where consequences are inescapable on a day to day basis, there are only a small percentage of that population who are capable of real change. (Check recidivism rates). The process of changing character requires the ability to be introspective, the ability to recognize and admit to wrongful behavior, and a strong will to actively pursue change. And again, the process takes about 5-10 years. So change can happen. But the odds are heavily stacked against change, especially in environments where wrongdoers experience no major consequences.

        So the saying, “Once a cheater, always a cheater” is pretty spot on correct.

        • I’m betting the prisoners that successfully changed were not narcissists, sociopaths or really bad deep down. They could have been a product of their environment but were not so dysfunctional that they were able to realize their lifestyle wasn’t working.

          • I actually think the disordered get worse (more evil) and more desperate as they age – which is a dangerous combo. I know there are tons of stories of Chumps finding real true love after they’ve left a cheater, but I am over 50 and honestly, I could care less – there is so much garbage out there. Scares me to death – I’d rather be single and free.

            • @wildcat
              “ there is so much garbage out there. Scares me to death – I’d rather be single and free.”

              Agree. Solid choice. I’m enjoying being single. Much less stress.

            • Agreed 1000% ! It too scares me and stresses me out. The disorders prey on the nice people.

              Im staying single, free and happy!

      • Don’t they just think everyone else has the problem? I don’t think they are the people that want to change, it’s us sensitive people who think we need to improve.
        The biggest red flag with my ex was that he didn’t take any responsibility for the demise of his first marriage. I knew that wasn’t a great sign, but the love bombing sucked me in. Now, I’m sure he just thinks the OW is the one he was really meant to be with … and has justified his cheating and discarding on that basis (and that he suddenly wasn’t happy… my fault for sure).

      • I heartily recommend 12 Steps.

        12 Steps is a blueprint for how to live an authentic, connected, integrity filled life.

        It really changes Stinking Thinking. One day at a time, progress not perfection, you learn to use ‘character defects’ as a guidance to living better (rather than beating yourself up about them).

        A complete spiritual gift, and free group therapy for a $5 donation. Whether from an addict or a co dependent angle, It works if you work it!

    • Yes mine met the women of his dreams, unlike me who was apparently making him ill and went to therapy without telling his partner and mother of his child of 15 or so years but all that and he’s now a total different person.

      Please tell me he hasn’t pulled the wool over her eyes totally, but he’s love bombed her to the max and she probably thinks he’s the best thing since sliced bread which he can be, when he wants to be.

      I just wish her the best of luck and clearly she’s done me a favour.

    • Well, I wouldn’t say my sister changed completely but she is now able of realizing a lot of the damage she was able to do in her life. She actually confessed me pretty bad stuff she did and I can see she is trying. She is on heavy meds and therapy, she is not someone that is pleasent to be with, but I can see that she loves her daughter and her husband and tries her best.
      Now, the thing is, I can clearly see there is mental illness there, but I think the majority of people here are victims of fuckwits/narcs, and people that look very very normal. Like my ex for example.
      And whoever said the thng about consequences (GratefullyDivorcedDad), nailed it completely. My sister knew that getting help so her husband would not leave her (she was just an asshole not a cheater) was a matter of life or death for her, our parents are not supportive and for the first time in her life she had a chance of something good. She told me when she felt she was losing that she panicked and she felt that it was almost like her brain was re wired.
      My ex has money, enablers (family and “friends”) galore, power, position, etc, etc.

  • I notice how narcissists sometimes DO admit that they have a problem, but as soon as they admit it, they also claim they are magically cured. No need for counseling! No need for self-help books! No need for talking about it! No need for transparency! Nope! They are CURED!

    The EX had the audacity to ask me, “Why aren’t you REJOICING? I finally overcame a sin that has been plaguing me my whole life. This is a time for JOY!”

    And how was I supposed to know he had really overcome it? Because he said so, of course. He had lied to me for years, but this time he was telling the truth! And I could trust that because he was CURED! Until the next time I caught him. And then I was just “invading his privacy.”

    • How I dearly love the UBT. I want to pass it iced beverages and massage it’s transmitters with a dampened towel freshly removed from the freezer. I want to fan it’s furrowed brow and whisper “There, there, there. I am listening. You are mighty. I stand in apprenticeship to your unerring ability to cut the bullshit. You are leading millions to emotional safety.”

      I now pass most communications through my mental version of the UBT. I finally have boundaries, and peace. Thank you, dear UBT, you saved me.

      • Oh man – the UBT would be crazy not to take you up on that offer.

        May I suggest a tasty drink to refresh yourself afterward?

        Lemonade
        some cucumber vodka
        sprigs of fresh mint

    • Yes. My fuckwit went to a men’s group & therapy & suddenly it’s ‘I WAS a liar, I’m not that person anymore’. After one session. They delude themselves so well & that’s how they delude everyone else. They believe their own lies. My fuckwit is refusing to give his current address to my lawyer & everyone is confused as to why. He will need to for court documents. I know perfectly well why. He’s told his new victim that I’m a psychopath & I’m stalking him. Kind of begs the question, why haven’t you gone to the police but he’d have a plausible excuse for that as well.

  • Sometimes, I wrestle with the expectations around a cheater’s remorse. I wonder what would it take for a letter or conversation of remorse to be truly authentic. Is it ever really possible?

    Is it possible that this cheater took a year to realize the wrong that she has done and feels compelled to acknowledge it, albeit awkwardly? Is this just another attempt at centrality (most likely)?

    So what would it take for such a letter to be deemed sincere?

    My criteria for starters:

    1) Confession: Say exactly what you are sorry for.
    Ex: I am sorry that I cheated on you with other women. I am sorry that I disrespected you by lying and manipulating your trust. I am sorry that I put your health at risk by engaging in sexual activity outside our marriage. I am sorry that I took advantage of your generosity. I am sorry that I broke my vows. I am sorry that I imploded our family. I am sorry that I betrayed our families.

    2) Remove prior blameshifting.
    Ex: You are not at all responsible for the poor choices that I made in my cheating. I was wrong in blaming you for not meeting my needs. I was immature in the choices that I made. I felt entitled.

    3) Do not claim that “I have changed,” but briefly explain what concrete measures you have taken to work on yourself authentically.
    Ex: I have recognized that there are very serious flaws in my character, thought patterns. Those issues are mine alone and have no bearing on anything you said or did. I was not a good spouse, and you suffered the consequences. I seek to be a healthy person. I have been attending counselling regularly and realize that I am on a long, painful path to healing. Part of that healing is owning up to the truth of what the wrongs I have caused others in my life. What I have done to you is one of my greatest shames. You deserved better from me.

    4) Demonstrate humility.
    Ex: There is nothing that I can do that will erase the damage I caused you and our family. The only commitment I can make is to ensure that I cause no further damage. There will never be a chance to turn back the clock and do our marriage over again in the right way that you deserved, but what I can commit to is to be a better parent to our children and to extend every respect or courtesy your way that I possibly can. I have no expectations of you. Please know that I want to be a better person for our children and do right by them so that you might one day feel more confident that they will be okay when they are with me. Please know that I will own up to the truth of what I have done with everyone we know so that I can undo the false impression I gave others when I discarded our marriage. Please know that I wish you great happiness in your life free from the trauma I caused.

    Anyways, it’s a hard call. On the one hand, the best thing a cheater can do is just start doing the decent thing without expectation in return (or just go away), and writing a letter carries some element of expectation. On the other hand, receiving some well-crafted communication of sincere remorse can be helpful to our own healing. In the end, any cheater who decides to reach out and turns their letter into a declaration of “ta-da, I’ve changed” needs to stand down.

    • I have yearned for such a true letter of confession. I have given up. All I receive now is rage and sad sausage channels.

      He had changed miraculously from his porn and PTSD with just a few sessions with his therapist while we were still together. No you can’t ask him. I won’t release his to speak to you. You don’t believe me?

      Umm, yeah. I don’t believe you. You’re still using me as a punching bag and trying to keep me as a doormat. Thanks but no thanks.

      • I know what you mean. But if you received such a letter, what would you do with it? Would it really change your life? Would you go back to your cheater? I guess you could keep it in reserve, as some kind of proof for people who doubted your story, but hopefully you don’t have a lot of those people hanging around you.

        I understand the desire for the person who inflicted the damage to come out and admit that it occurred, but in the end *you* know that it happened and that’s the only thing that matters. You certainly don’t want to place yourself in the position that you require your cheater’s confirmation to validate the fact that you were cheated like shit.

    • You’re right. I’m getting now that he is so happy now that he has finally been discovered that he can heal. He feels joy now. And his plan now is to lead the group of injured men he is a part of. To be one of the leaders…after 5 whole months. 5 months he feels has been a long time because he recovered. Even though he admits he had relapsed and lied throughout the whole 5 months… The relapse didn’t count though (again, like the OW and cheating didn’t really “matter”). By god, he’s going to be a leader and save these wounded men from themselves.

      I’m now getting letters that he simply “lost his way” from me because “our communication broke down.” He had nothing to do with it. In fact, it appears it was a complete accident or more likely…my fault. It was my job to keep him on track to communicate with me about why he wanted other younger, more beautiful women. I just didn’t know it?

      So now I am expected to appear in his healing therapy sessions for himself to not feel so bad, get better, and be strong (again) for him and his joy. The therapist even flat out told me this was all on his and had “nothing to do with me.” I objected to that part quietly. Because it had everything to do with me, the pathological lies, hunting around, and boundless energy and trickery to cover his tracks from being caught–by ME. So, yes I was indeed a part of this. In fact, the entire part of it. The “sex and love addiction” he now claims is the actual problem now was not about me. But I dared to say the actual “addiction” IS entirely…cheating. They love their secrets and depravity (not the acts of what they’re doing, just the depraved part of cheating and lying).

      So I’m learning here to be very careful because I have definitely been conned. And heeven admits he is a conman…after we explored it of course…he sees the light finally! He’s happy now I helped him and then he tried to hug me, he was so happy. Wow…

      • KO,
        I heard the same kind of excuses – oh, he loved me, he needed me, he had a terrible childhood, he was depressed, addicted to sex, blah, blah, blah. ALL LIES. This was after I had filed for divorce. I told him I was going through with the divorce, then if he truly changed, and still loved me, he could call me in a few years and we could talk. That shut him up completely.

        Now, since I’ve seen “behind the curtain” he calls me every name in the book and won’t reimburse me a dime for things he legally agreed to in the divorce. I’ve had to take him back to court twice in 2 years already – just to get the money he agreed to pay me. TRUST THAT THEY SUCK

    • Option No More…. I agree with these thoughtful words. I trust HE sucks and will likely never achieve this degree of character change. He simply doesn’t want to change. He doesn’t want to do any of the hard work, let alone 10 years of right actions.

      That’s why I had to go no contact and divorce. I had to build a new life without continuing to project my values And thoughts on him, since his actions made it crystal clear he isn’t like this — he is not compatible with me. Very hard to accept after 25 years of sunk costs, family, memories, a life. But I don’t want to waste the next 25 years of my life in that hell.

      • Right, I don’t either. I guess I’m grapplig with trying to just let go of the projected values you mention wisely, and a future by myself. I’m actually discovering I became codependent (I guess). I never was before, but I guess thinking you’re in a marriage kind of *makes* you think you are codependent? Well, we were codependent in life, plans, finances, raising a kid, etc. I can’t think of even dating ever again. Maybe it’ll be ok to be alone and on my own at 50. I never thought that would happen but here I am! Life goes on as they say. It’s going to be a struggle financially for the first time in my life because I’m putting my kid thru college and supporting myself also completely.

        But I got our finances in order, I’m no longer under the yoke of his tremendous debt addiction (oops another one!) so hopefully I can really make it on my small paycheck. At least I won’t be lied to anymore. I have to look it that way. Gaining a life. Here’s to us!

    • Once we know what a REAL apology looks like, AND once we stop giving narcs the benefit of the doubt for EVERYTHING, these fake apologies really stand out, eh?

    • Sadly I would have to interpret any well-crafted apology as more impression management.
      I received many amazing and seemingly heartfelt notes and cards during our relationship – some of them penned while he was receiving kibbles from somebody else.
      Once the OW was deemed #1 kibble supplier, I was dropped because of a sudden case of the sadz. He was so good at lying I actually believed there wasn’t anybody else.
      How does one ever trust an apology from a certified liar?

    • Why do I get the feeling that someone is going to plagiarize this lovely apology and pass it off as the real deal?

      Maybe that’s just my past experiences causing skepticism – I’m always seeing wolves in sheep’s clothing

  • My XW said after she found out I was dating after the divorce that she was “working hard to improve herself”. This was after her going to a therapist a few times and telling me “there is nothing wrong with me”. True changes are proven by their works. My XW is a narcissist/BPD. Her actions after the divorce proved she was not sorry or repentant (smear campaigns, parental alienation, lying, threats, etc).

    Someone like the woman in the letter isn’t cured in a year. It takes time and effort to change an ingrained habit. Thank goodness he doesn’t have children with her (hopefully). He can block her and move on. She wants to be part of his life. I know things aren’t great with my XW when she contacts me to complain about something. Things mustn’t be going well with the woman in the letter.

    • My ex wife’s constant texts are always to bitch (which I never respond). It has been nearly a year since D-Day and it’s nothing but negative crap to complain about me, rewrite history, woe is me stuff). She tried to come back a few times when her AP BF was shunning her and I turned her down because her attempts to get me back were always short lived and just showed I was a backup.

      Not even within 24 hours of her first attempt to try to give a BS apology, I could see she signed up for a dating app and then was back with the AP in no time. This has happened a few times. My point is, you’re not changing when you’re like this. I don’t believe any amount of therapy is going to fix a pathological lying narc in their 30s.

      • My ex is a malignant narcissist. You can send him a message saying something simple like” kids will be at school for pickup”. His response is to always insult you, accuse you of something he has done to the children, bitch at you because he didn’t like something in your message, then act like he is the victim.” Things are never going well for these people, because they are one lie from a full blown war. I had my ex put through a court server so my phone could me mine again. I never respond anymore and only send logistic messages.

        • ^^This!

          My XH tried to manipulate me into meeting him a few times after I left him. He kept saying we had to do things together for the divorce filing, which my attorney advised wasn’t true and my XH was just finding any excuse to see me.

          I would respond to my XH by saying super short things like, “no” or “I’m outta town” or “I’ll submit by mail”. It drove my XH crazy and he would get so angry he couldn’t control the situation.

          I still go back and read some of those texts just to have a good laugh.

          • Alice,
            Love this! Good for you! NC and Grey Rock drives them nuts. They don’t get to call the shots anymore.

          • Same here. My ex had a horrible time losing control of me. I never understood that. He wanted the D, he left me for the cow, but was really upset that after we had been legally separated for about six months, I started to date a man I met at my new work facility. Actually came by to warn me he was too old for me. I said why on earth do you care. “oh well I don’t want you to get hurt”, yeah his consideration for my welfare would have been nice when he was lying, cheating, stealing funds and gaslighting.

            These folks are bat crap crazy.

            I ended up marrying the “too old” guy four years later. I married a retired AF, who worked for DoD after retiring from AF until he was old enough to retire from DoD. Good looking, sweet and generous. And treats me like he thinks he is lucky to have me.

            He married cow, who immediately got fired from her job, eventually got disability and is big as the side of a barn.

            I think I won. For all her faults, I am grateful that she and not I, had to go through gambling bankruptcy, and more of his running around, only on her instead of me.

            • I LOVE these stories of happy endings and/or karma! I’m hoping I have one to post here someday.

              • I honestly thought I would never recover from the pain. My now H and I actually just started as friends who had both been dumped. Then, one day it changed.

                I wish the best for all us chumps. Reality is we likely have a better chance at a good life than the F-wits.

        • Exactly the same for me as well. I thank God every day my kids are older now and I don’t have to communicate with him very much, because when I do – it is a total shit storm of his raging sick mind. So f*cking traumatic. I have PTSD because of him – in fact, it was a Gottman therapist that told me that in the first place.

  • That they think we’re actually going to buy into their faux apologies is almost as insulting as the affair(s). Do they really think we’re that stupid?

    • Yes. They confuse the fact that they got away with cheating and manipulation for years as us being stupid. The problem with that line of thought is, is the fact that once you remove the emotion which clouds your mind, you have clarity and you see their playbook. But they don’t know that and still keep trying the shit that used to work before you found out.

      • Yes indeed! They love the memory of how much we loved them and how much control over us they had, and still believe it exists for them. When my ex contacted me, I set him straight and blew up his delusions. It gave me my power back.

        • Same here Chumpion! My ex STILL tries to communicate with me.

          I never respond. That’s how I get my power back.

          It amazes me he still even tries, when I never respond haha

    • EVERYONE is stupid except them! Or perhaps a few amazing people who are just like them and tell them how smart and amazing they are!

      This is why we do sometimes make out better than the strict letter of the law when divorcing cheater narcs; it never occurs to them that somebody, or even a bunch of somebodies together (STBX Chump, lawyers, judges, mediators….) could be even half as smart as they are.

      And they assume that things just ARE the way they want them to be and will come out the way they want them too. Reality is not a thing, ya know … Plus, of course, Chump will keep bending over backwards to keep them happy, as Chump has always done, no matter what Cheater did ….

      Many narcs are smart people, on paper or on the job. But man are they DUMB when anything is different than what they want to believe.

      • Apparently narcs are at the toddler stage with some of their emotions. Understanding that alone can help keep us sane.

      • Lack of empathy. If you can’t understand how another person might process what you’re saying and doing, and why, then you can’t adjust to changes. And, anyway, most of them have no other plays in their playbook than what has worked for them in the past.

        Fortunately, we can learn and change, and once our eyes are opened and the inner UBT installed, they’re toast.

    • I don’t think they always realize they are faux apologies. Those that impression manage other people also deceive themselves. I think some of them have only a surface understanding of their issues and that empathy piece is missing .
      In addition, many cheaters are supported by their families and they change things up to justify their actions as we know… their reality is not our reality.

    • Yes, they really do think we’re that stupid.

      The ex fuckwit said, after I’d read his texts to his one mate, describing fucking his rat faced whore, ” None of it’s true! It was just lad’s banter!”.

      I don’t know what pissed me off more, the idiocy of the rationale, or that he actually thought I was stupid enough to believe it.

      Although I do think that in reality, they just don’t think/feel like normal people; everything to them is a game. Or maybe they’re just so limited/narcissistic they think everyone else is. Sociopaths.

      The UBT is hilarious, me, me, me!

      I remember saying to the fucktard after my MRI scan, how frightened I was it might be a brain tumour. His reply was, “how do you think I feel”? Typical.

  • Common theme….they relish in YOUR PAIN! That’s how they get their kicks, that’s how they get off (probably more ways than with their ego….like sexually too). No matter how they get it, they want those PAIN kibbles and they want to be front and center. I hope you didn’t respond. No response is the best response. These psychotic fuckers don’t deserve an ounce of your energy anymore.

    • Amen to that. My ex wife said to me “I never saw you cry during this”, bitching about how me not crying in front of her during me begging her to stop her affair was somehow a deficiency on my part. Still, she only talks about “her pain” despite cheating on me the last three or four years of our marriage. No contact to these pieces of shit is the absolute best weapon to deploy.

      • “I never saw you cry during this”

        What if you responded w/ “I don’t cry over whores” LOL! That woulda been great haha

      • A couple weeks after Dday, my ex said, “This is all too easy on you!” He was mad I didn’t fall apart. Instead, I got to the business of the end of our relationship, and kept my emotions safely hidden from him. He had shown me he wasn’t someone I could trust with anything. So yes, pain kibbles must be extra tasty for these asshats.

      • My XW wonders to me where is her justice because I divorced her. That she is the victim in this. How the divorce has been so painful for her. 🙄🙄🙄 Blows my mind.

        • Sirchumpalot,

          Mine feels like the victim, too! “I’m sad every day,” says the fuckwit who cheated on me for 2 1/2 years and is now living in a new home with his mistress.

          Poor him!

          He also wins the forked-tongue contest when he says:
          1. I lied only once AND
          2. I lied every day for 2 1/2 years.

          Here’s the head-spinning rationale: Well, it was only one lie because it was always about one topic (the affair).” My God!

          So effed up!

          • Yup, Cheater Narc left our home but wanted the kids and I to stay in it, never spoke to any of our friends or my family again, then moved away to live w/Shmoops, which led to the kids having very little to do with him. Also spent his retirement savings on trying to maintain the high life w/Shmoops AND supporting the family home and flying back and forth.

            Then he had the gall to tell me ‘I lost far more than you did!’.

            When I pointed out that actually he had thrown all that away, he was not well amused …..

            They sure hate it when we point out a reality they want to ignore.

            • Yes Karen, when my ex said he was mourning the loss of our relationship – I responded that he trashed it and threw it away,…it wasn’t lost. They lie to themselves too.

  • This sounds like my ex but she can’t admit to a lot of the stuff she got caught doing it. But the part where she says “I hope you can move on” despite his no contact is hilarious to me because that’s what my ex wife does now. I went no contact with her yet she bombards me with texts of revisionist history, acting like she’s not with her AP BF, and saying things like “if you’re not going to be there for me please let someone else be there for me” and then also sent me the Jada Pinket Smith video.

    These people have an ego the size of the Grand Canyon. Always feeling the need to have their ego stroked and get attention.

    • Ooooh, if she thinks that Jada Pinkett Smith video makes cheaters look good and encourages chump forgiveness, she’s reallllllyy delusional!

      I hope someone has sent Will Smith to CL!

    • “If you’re not going to be there for me please let someone else be there for me”

      WTF!?! This lady is incredibly self absorbed, gross!

      It is hilarious that you remain NC and yet she still sends you crap like that. Just goes to show she wants you and knows she screwed up. Plus to send you the Jada video?! As if it’s some scholarly piece of research to justify why people cheat?! Just wow.

      You’re doing great by Nothing her (also known as NC). When you Nothing someone, especially a cheater/narc it hurts them the most.

      You should start taking bets with yourself to see how many messages she will send a week. One message gets you a case of beer, two messages gets you a long island iced tea, etc haha

  • Nothing says sociopath like this statement, “I do care that you’ll be happy and successful in your life and if you ever need to talk to me I’ll be here.“

    Waiting…
    Lurking……

    • And that we think they’re so wonderful that we’re just dying to “talk” to them. Really? The whole statement “if you ever need to talk to me” reeks of patronizing bullshit. Yeah, I’m waiting with baited breath to hang with you for your sage and compassionate advice.

      • If they could see themselves the way we see them, once our eyes see behind the mask; maybe they would actually have a chance to be a better person. I doubt most of them ever do though.

    • Agreed. When I was reading this post, this is the exact line that jumped out at me. My exH wrote the exact same thing in an email to me after our final court hearing.

      Ten months prior to DDay, he actually told me he was a sociopath. Of course, in true chump fashion, I just brushed it off at the time. That was before I found out about the most recent affair (bringing the OW to OUR HOME to stay while I was away on a trip)…and the Tinder subscriptions, trips to meet other women, financial issues he caused in his workplace, tracking my Internet activity, installation of cameras in our home, and him planning the perfect “setup” of the end to our marriage to give him the best image. I of course blew up his plan finding out about the affair and serving him with divorce papers on the grounds of adultery. He stated three times to me after the fact that I “took everything away” from him…not once showing an ounce of empathy or remorse for what I was going through. The best advice I got at the time was to “divorce him and run,” and that I did.

      Sociopaths are no joke. I hope OP stays far far far away, and he has received therapy to help recover from the mass amount of psychological damage these people can cause.

  • Keep any letters where the perp admits they lied or were liars. As proof in case their devious crap rears it’s ugly head in your life again. Writing that may mean she wants to entangle you in a scheme she’s got planned We rarely are given such a good admission of past present and future guilt. Don’t respond. Just tuck it away in your safety deposit box. And change your phone number.

  • I 💜🖤💜 the UBT! Always hearing what is actually being conveyed.

    So, as an avowed nerd, reporting from suburban “Meh”, something I like to do with cheater letters is a count.

    This letter:

    “I”, “me”, “my”, “myself” – 36
    “You”, “your” – 15

    Pronouns don’t lie.

    • Well, not surprising considering cheating and lying are the epitome of selfishness so it’s to be expected that they would talk about themselves all the time. My ex wife only says “you” and “your” if it’s to blame me for something.

    • Pronouns don’t lie. Haha. Love this.

      I usually like to say, “Judge them by their actions.” But, in this instance, judge them by their pronouns works, too.

    • So interesting when that’s how your cheater sounded the minute the big reveal came – it was constant I I I I I in epic proportions with zero empathy for me – the person he had said he loved and would never hurt.
      But previous to this, he was a giver.
      Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

  • Am I the only one who concluded this letter is a cry from the cheater to get kibbles because they are probably not getting kibbles currently and miss the kibbles they got from BlindedChump?

    I especially loved this part, “I’m now in a happy place with myself and it was hard for me to get here. I really hope you’ll move on too, and that you’ll find a good person to share your life with.” I just want to tell this cheater “F YOU, you miserable witch!”

    BlindedChump, I hope you didn’t respond. This cheater is cu*T with a capital T!!

      • ^^^ Exactly THIS!

        Also another translation, “I miss putting you through hell. Those kibbles you produced after I put you through excruciating pain where the best kibbles to date! I want more!”

        Ugh this cheater is so transparent.

  • And that we think they’re so wonderful that we’re just dying to “talk” to them. Really? The whole statement “if you ever need to talk to me” reeks of patronizing bullshit. Yeah, I’m waiting with baited breath to hang with you for your sage and compassionate advice.

  • I pity anyone who says “I’ve changed” *does hair flip thing*

    It’s on par with proclaiming to the world you’re an empath, or any good deed, in general.
    Those things speak for themselves, if you have to spell them out, it just makes them tacky and untrue.

  • “I know that I did some fucked up shit and I know how much I devastated you.”

    No I don’t. I mean I know I did fucked up shit, but I still think it was fun. I don’t care about your devastation otherwise I wouldn’t have done it.

    “You did not deserve any of that.”

    This is probably the one time I’ve ever spoken a true word in my life.

    “Even though it’s not gonna help anything, know that I’m sorry for making you suffer so much.”

    …Aaaaaaand back to lying.

    “When we married I was not different from how I’ve always been before during my whole life. I’ve always been a liar.”

    okay, THIS time I’m telling the truth too, doesn’t that make you feel great??? I told a truth! Two times! Where’s my bitch cookie?

    “I would always put myself in extreme situations for lying.”

    I put *myself* in extreme situations. Me. No matter who I was lying to, or who I hurt, or who’s life I messed with, the situation was still always about ME. Such whacky hijinks! It was like an episode of Sabrina the Teenage Witch!

    “I was always conscious of doing something bad but never able to prevent myself from doing it.”

    It was like I was possessed! I just couldn’t stop it, the demon was just controlling my body, as if I had absolutely no autonomy or adult responsibility over my own goddamn decisions…

    “I’m sorry you came across while I was so crazy.”

    Because dating seriously for a long time and actually getting married is just “coming across” each other. Like running into you in a coffee shop! S’cuse me while I go get the barista’s number…

    “But you need to know that I moved on now.”

    I’ve been out of your life for a year…but JUST TO MAKE SURE YOU KNOW…

    “I did change for once and for real.”

    For realsies. Pinkie swear.

    “It was always my biggest flaw that of being a liar, but I was finally able to cure myself from that miserable situation.”

    I finally contacted that witch doctor who kept posting links in my facebook comments.

    “I know it sucks, but I didn’t want to be married in the first place.”

    I never wanted to marry you. Remember, this is an APOLOGY letter, so you can’t get mad.

    “I was just too much into my own lies to be able to admit it. The first person I’d lie to was always myself.”

    I would lie and tell myself I’m an awesome person.

    “I’d do it so well that sometimes I’d believe in my own lies.”

    I’d DEFINITELY always believe that I’m an awesome person.

    “It must be very frustrating for you and awful. But I’d rather tell you the truth than keep your hopes up, now that I can do it.”

    Don’t get your hopes up that I will come running back to you. Which you certainly must have been doing this whole time. …right?

    “I’m now in a happy place with myself and it was hard for me to get here.”

    I’m going to remind you how happy I am. In this…the apology letter to the ex I cheated on.

    “I really hope you’ll move on too, and that you’ll find a good person to share your life with.”

    I really hope you haven’t moved on, and that you’re single, and you’ll beg me to come back.

    “You deserve someone great because you are great.”

    You deserve me, because I’m so great, because that witch doctor cured me of my lies. (Except this one…and the next one…and the next one…and…)

    “You really have a good heart and I wish you didn’t have to live my shit.”

    If it weren’t for that damn demon possessing me, giving me no control over my own choices…

    “I do care that you’ll be happy and successful in your life and if you ever need to talk to me I’ll be here.”

    Please talk to me, my life is absolute shit, nobody likes me, no one wants to deal with my compulsive lying, and I’m out of kibbles.

  • It is SO critically important to look past appearances…physical appearances, the deceptive equipment like houses, vacations, bank accounts, sailboats, Fakebook profiles….and stay focused on the insanity and cruelty of their THINKING, which is underscored, highlighted, bold-face typed by nutty missives like this.

    The OW(s) looked at all the assets he flashed and thought he was a good catch. I look at his behavior and listen to how he thinks and all I see now is catch and release. Outside stuff can obfuscate and confuse. But nothing on the outside will ever make up for mean, ugly, horrible, evil character rot.

    My problem is not with his outsides. My problem is with his rotten insides, which were revealed by the affair. No one on the planet has enough money to pay me to stay with him. I am grateful he asked for the divorce…otherwise I might have continued my own mental gymnastics (insanity) to stay in the MIRAGE and not snapped out of my hypnotic state.

    Letters like this keep me snapped out of my hypnotic state and remind me how stunningly outside appearances can deceive. They are freak flags that confirm that getting away is a good thing. All I lost was the illusion.

    • Hey, I married cheater when he made five dollars an hour and rode a bike to work. The “appearance” was of integrity and he managed to keep that up for quite awhile.

      The AP liked the bs facade of successful career, credit accounts, etc. In the course of the affair, he began to lose his grip on all of it as well as his health, his hair, his credit score and his erectile function. A kiloliter of bourbon will do that but he also managed to hide the drinking very well. I initially thought he was going into early dementia.

      These APs are like dogs chasing mail trucks. What are they going to do with it if they ever catch one? He dumped her unceremoniously on D-Day so I guess she was spared the sad-fuck epilogue she deserved.

      • One thing that really fooled me as far as appearances go was his family. His parents seemed like the loveliest people to me. They were also sparkly. I never received fewer than five compliments each time I saw them, and I had them over all the time because it was so pleasurable. The minute he dropped me, they dropped me. They didn’t even respond to a message I sent to tell them I was thinking of them during Covid .

        I also really struggle with how anyone can think their cheating partner is a catch when this person has shown in the world who they are? I suppose it speaks to an unbelievably high level of narcissism.

        • Zip… cheater’s mother was a horror show. Her sexualized putdowns were an eerie foreshadowing of her son’s latant psychosis. You were almost lucky your cheater didn’t have an extra set of hands helping to grind you down. “Luck” being a pretty relative expression. It’s all so ghoulish.

          • Hell, I see you’re point it could always be worse. His mother was obsessed with looks, especially weight etc. But there were no put downs. I’m sorry you had to go through that destructive weirdness.

            • It IS so weird in retrospect. I’m just glad I was raised with an awareness of objectification. What hurt most about MIL’s attacks was the rift they caused– the knowledge that she’d never be a good grandmother (I would never let her model this sick shit to my children), that there wouldn’t be peace on that side of the family. Sad.

              It seems your ex MIL was objectifying as well but just less unpleasant about it. Perhaps that’s even more dangerous. All the same, any over-focus on appearance has elements of sexual abuse whether all out negative or pseudo-positive. I was reading an article about the sexualized objectification of black male bodies in the NFL draft that really highlighted the abuse angle.

              It wasn’t just me– cheater’s mom couldn’t stand any girlfriend before me nor the girlfriends or wives of cheater’s childhood friends. She would have preferred these giys were all permanent lotharios like the character of the mother in Joyce Carol Oates’ The Falls who wants her son to enact her revenge on other women by using them and leaving them.

              During my skein untangling, I read a study on mate poaching and covert aggression among women. Attacking a perceived rival’s “mate value” appears to be the major competitive tactic of people with “dark triad” traits or whatever they call it. I can totally picture cheater’s mom slicing and dicing her way through the competition from third grade on.

              Doing it to one’s son’s mate is basically emotional incest but the same can be said of praise of a son- or daughter-in-law if it smacks of valuation or sexual assessment. Creepy comes in different colors.

              • One thing that put me off me about MIL is that she occasionally let out a snide remark or a criticism (out of nowhere) about his former W ( mother of her grandkids ). Yet his former W would occasionally take her former in-laws out to dinners which they happily accepted because they loved outings.
                They loved me- but dropped me flat when he did.
                She was always praising my kids for their appearance – especially their weight, teeth etc- it made them uncomfortable. I had to tell former H to tell his mom to stop talking about weight and appearances in our house. It would come up in every conversation.

              • Zip– Wow, you have a similar take on it. Your ex MIL was definitely showing some weird values by putting down your ex’s ex and objectifying your kids. She sounds two faced as well as like she was doing that classic narc “splitting” of people into all good and all bad.

                Mine would say when my sons were tots that they’d be “heart breakers” and “Don Juans.” Ugh. I said, “I’m not raising misogynistic losers who’ll die alone and unloved.” It’s a mystery why she hated me so much (sarcasm). Little did I know her womanizing brother would later die alone and unloved.

  • Seriously? If XW was sorry, that was all that needed to be written.

    “I am so sorry. I did terrible things and I shouldn’t have done them at all. Ever. Here is the signed divorce decree.”

  • Circling back around, hoping for kibbles. Absolutely. My X used to do this, and we divorced over 30 years ago. He would somehow find out where I was living, and I would get random letters from him, all about HIM. “I’m 1000% better! I’m so grateful to you for getting me to a doctor who finally diagnosed my bi-polar condition, which I now wave around as an excuse for anything and everything I do that is morally questionable! I can’t help it! Except I’m BETTER!!” I truly believe, in his warped mind, that he thought he was still attractive to me, that, with just a bit of effort, he could get me to fly back into his arms. Hey, I believed his lies before, so maybe now? Uhm, no. The thought of him makes me lose my appetite.

    Blah, blah, blah. I never responded, and always threw them away. I finally quit opening them before I tossed them, which I think he figured out, because then I started getting postcards. Gross.

    • Lol– I got a letter like that after my first bf got divorced from a relationship with someone I knew that began before he and I were officially over.

      Clearly they both felt victorious about it, but the only reason that dating relationship wasn’t officially over at the time is that I was 18 and couldn’t figure out how to break it off. I was away at school and traveling and, like any flaky teen, sort of hoped the guy would get the hint. His big mistake had been in playing it cool when I’d decided to go back to NY to continue college. He was ten years older than me and had always gotten away with passive control in previous relationships but it had the opposite effect on me. My interest waned and NYC is very distracting. When I got their very sudden wedding announcement, I was like yay, two nudgey loose ends I no longer have to feel emotionally responsible for tying themselves together.

      The mistake I made was in not acknowledging the INTENT to cause harm just because their behavior missed its mark and didn’t actually harm me. I’d quickly begun dating someone I really liked, everything was going well in school and with work, I couldn’t have been happier. But all the same I should have broken ties with the “happy couple” just on principle. Instead I wasted money on a plane ticket and went to the wedding where both baited me and attacked me behind my back throughout the reception, probably because I wasn’t properly crestfallen and denied them of dupers’ delight or betrayal kibble or whatever. I think it was probably even more insulting that I wasn’t pretending to be happy just to stick it to them. I really was happy. I even tried to downplay it.

      Then came the post divorce drama and the letter from this guy. I re-glued the first letter to make it seem as if I hadn’t bothered to read it so, voila, he sent a post card. In both he was presuming that I had been waiting, pining and yearning for him for three years and “at last” we could finally reunite.

      Em, nope. I didn’t say a thing when his ex-wife tried to spread the idea that her ex was secretly gay and harrumph, that’s why the marriage fell apart. Yeah, whatever crazy people. It took several years to understand that both of them had personality disorders that emerged when they developed drinking problems.

      Years later after my middle child was diagnosed with a horrible iimmune disorder, borderline chick from the anecdote above told some of my extended family members that I invented my son’s disorder to “get attention” and “family money.” Because weak and shitty people are often looking for an excuse to distance themselves from tragedy, none of my kids were invited to a few nearby extended family holiday events. Ah, after trying and failing for a dozen years, at last borderline psycho located my jugular. I already knew that side of the family had some sucky people in it and didn’t need the education at the price of my children being left out and crying themselves to sleep for three weeks. It would have been better to delay the revelation of their suckery until the kids were a little older and we weren’t all in the dumps about my son’s serious illness.

      Word to the wise about people who reach “Meh” with betraying exes and therefore think it’s safe to maintain at least the appearance of civility due to not giving a flying fuck what the ex or their shmoopie does. I wouldn’t risk it. As inept as these types might be, many won’t stop trying to draw blood and they might one day succeed just through sheer perseverance and because you’re having a moment of vulnerability. Never discount how badly people who lack integrity want to see the downfall of people with integrity out of a need to see integrity itself fail.

      I also think my tendency to “let bygones be bygones” and not judge or analyze behavior harshly was one of the problems with my picker. Judge away. Be harsh. Don’t automatically blow off the aggression of puny ankle biters. They can take out your eyes if you trip and find yourself on the ground one day.

      • People always want us to forgive. I have this issue with my FOO, as well, as I’ve cut a few of them off. I am unyeilding once I decide I am done with someone. There are very good reasons for not forgiving people or allowing them back in our lives. It’s called self-preservation.

  • The writer of the message was so obviously wanking away on their own centrality, NEEDING the betrayed to still be “pining” and “yearning.” See, it’s no fun to run away if no one is chasing! And then even trying to lay her greasy fingerprints on the betrayed person’s future by giving “permission” for the betrayed to move on so that when the future moving on happens, cheater can feel like they’d already peed on that territory.

    My guess is she ain’t so happy and she hasn’t changed a bit.

    It reminds me of someone I used to know with borderline personality disorder who would always change her phone number after some guy or other broke up with her so she could pretend to herself and (especially) bystanders that she just couldn’t shake the guy off. It was loony and deranged.

    After this person betrayed my children in a particularly gruesome way, I was relieved in a sense because it gave me irrefutable grounds to go NC. That was a bit tricky because this person was enmeshed with my extended family and a pro at triangulation. I always tried to keep the peace in order not to rattle elders but enough was enough. Ciao– phew. It took this person 8 years to finally stop pretending that she had been avoiding me, not the other way around. She’d make periodic hoovering attempts to lure me back into the web and when I wouldn’t respond, I’d get an email saying she wasn’t going to talk to me and don’t even bother contacting her. Now she’s made a federal case out of how I “turned my back” on her.

    It never ends. Narcs will do what narcs will do.

    • Oh, and come to think of it, the person described above was a serial attempted mate poacher. Mostly unsuccessful but clearly the need to betray and spoil and klepto was there all along. I should have judged and judged harshly on learning about that kind of behavior because it’s really all the info you need about someone’s character. Too bad I didn’t understand this when I was younger because I didn’t need to wait for this individual to try to hurt my children.

  • This is an amazing piece of self-centred dribble, the kind we expect from the cheating fraternity. Is it supposed to be an apology? Doesn’t manage that very well. A cry for understanding and forgiveness? It’s just baffling. What is stinks of is ‘I am greater than thou with your lowly feelings of upset and pain shame you aren’t quite as enlightened as me’.

    That takes some real mental gymnastics to pull this one off.

  • Random thought:

    I wonder if any other Chumps have gotten communication from cheaters looking for kibbles, who were not directly related to them relationship wise? Anyone?

    For example: I have a family friend who cheated on her husband and left him (he was devastated of course). They eventually divorced and he has moved on and is engaged to be married. She (the cheater) on the other hand is now single and sometimes tries to message me to get kibbles. Trying to tell me stories about how awful her marriage was and that’s why she had to cheat. (this is a real story btw, not just an example).

    Has anyone else in CN experienced this?

    • Alice–

      I’ve known a few guys who tried to cast their exes as fiends post-divorce. Both men had young children and were cheaters. I had zero sympathy. In retrospect I wish I’d told their wives what I knew of them before the divorces. I was young and wasn’t sure what the “right thing” was in those circumstances. CL should be mandatory middle school reading.

      • Also, when you’re young you just want to stay out of situations like that because you don’t feel equip to even know how to handle them.

        I’m definitely giving my siblings children a copy of CL when they are old enough. Even if they don’t read it right away, I want them to have it.

        • Great idea. I deliberately raised compulsive readers. I’m sure they’d get a lot out of that book.

        • I tried to talk to my kids about cheating. They want nothing to do with it. They feel that that would be planting the seed of fear in their head and they don’t want that fear to become a focus in a future relationship. They want to think of what happened to me ( and by extension to them ) as an anomaly.

          • Sadly its not an anomaly but hopefully it will be for them.

            Whether kids are older or younger when they find out (as they tend to), each age has its challenges. Kids closer to dating age might find it more disheartening as they project their own romantic futures through rhat ruptured lens while younger kids can be more traumatized.

            I think the more we live things down ourselves the easier it is to impart wisdom. Hard to make “wisdom” seem shiny when your voice is still shaking. But eventually trauma is polished into knowledge.

            • TY HellofaChump,

              Your words are resonating with me right when I need it. I live on this blog throughout the day for a reminder but most importantly wisdom.

              My voice was shaking, but I feel my experience did impart some wisdom for my young adult child Nothing is necessarily forever and tomorrow is not always promised. But we stand up strong shakily unshakable in the real Janus-face of adversity, love, pain and yes…wisdom. We go on with grace.

  • This is the bit that blew me away; “But I’d rather tell you the truth than keep your hopes up, now that I can do it”. What “hopes” does she assume? That BlindedChump is sitting at home, in a corner, pining for her return?? Their self-involvement blinds them to their overwhelming stupidity.

    BlindedChump, *I hope* you never have to interact with / listen to / read her BS ever again!

    • Yes, that jumped out at me too. It’s like she thinks she’s so central, BC has set up a shrine to her! 😂

      What a nasty slag.

      Hope you enjoyed the UBT, blinded chump. ❤️

    • That line hit me, too. She assumes he is keeping his “hopes up”! What a narcissist!

      I wonder if they all feel this way.

  • “You did not deserve any of that”.

    Funny how they always say that after they do “that”. While they were doing “that”, they didn’t seem to care about what we deserved.

    • It’s also like a “No Shit Sherlock” moment if you were to respond to them.

      Plus, I feel like it’s passive aggressive to say “you didn’t deserve any of that”. It’s as if they are now giving you permission to feel all the things you said you were feeling when it was happening. These people are just disgusting.

      • Alice, yes, exactly. “No shit Sherlock” is spot on! Also agree that its passive aggressive…and they ARE disgusting.

  • Did anyone read this as the cheater saying “No matter how much you got hurt, I got hurt more and so I’l the real victim here and you are just (acceptable) collateral damage ….. and even if I did all this stuff, none of it is my fault because of B-S/word salad reasons …. and even though my life is now demonstrably fabulous (because … well, because I say it is), I need to f*ck you about and hurt you some more if you’ll let me, because that’s what makes me feel better.”

    Or was it just me?

    • Lol, that about sums it up, though I suspect the victim stance is just a way to set up and accentuate the victory dance.

      In truth these people really are sad fucks who can’t feel tall unless they cut off the heads of others.

    • Like a cat playing with a mouse and not killing it, just pushing it around some more to see if it can muster some further torment.

      Isn’t it great when you see it for what it is and can just walk away.

    • Mine played the pity card attempting to change my opinion of him after d-day. He did the same thing some years later when he contacted me and saw how little I thought of him. I was always so empathetic and caring, so he just couldn’t believe how I dug in my heels and refused to be swayed. After d-day he mostly did it to try to shut me up and not talk to mutal friends and our family members. I really didn’t have to–most of them saw who he was, or always had his number. The rest? I never really liked them anyway. The second time after many years when he contacted me it was obvious he wanted and NEEDED a side piece, telling me how he loved my body, etc. I had moved back to where we had started out and he has family here, so visits several times a year. He married someone else other than the chick he dumped me for (who dumped him) and his life looks really good on paper. I guess his rebound marriage with church lady stepford wife isn’t all that. I suggested he find someone who will take his money for it, but that at least he had learned enough not to future-fake me anymore.

  • Thank you everyone for your comments and input. And thank you to the UBT. It’s been a year of no contact and not following her on social media. I’m in a much better place and I feel like myself again. This community and everyone sharing their stories/journeys has really helped. So thank you all.

    • Blinded– so glad (and I ACTUALLY MEAN IT) you’re doing well.

      Way to go on the NC and thank you for sharing that classic bit of sly kibble trolling. We could label it “When Schadenfreude Misses its Mark.” We’re all students of human behavior here and that was a very educational and definitive Exhibit A.

  • Blinded Chump-it goes without saying, but do not reply!
    She sounds crazy. You didn’t deserve that and you didn’t deserve that letter. Delete immediately! Or do what I did-print and burn but show it to a few friends first who will laugh at it.
    Stay mighty.

  • Does the Post Office still take “RETURN TO SENDER” requests? Might be a satisfying way to let the cheater know you’re not interested in ANYTHING to do with them. Just a suggestion.

    • During the holidays, people would ask me what I wanted for Christmas.

      My response: “For my mother-in-law to take her son back”

  • Am I the only one thinking about the Star Trek episode “I, Mudd”, in the scene where they drive the androids crazy and crash their systems?
    Kirk: Everything Harry tells you is a lie, remember that.
    Harry: Now listen carefully Norman: I. Am. Lying
    Norman: But…everything you say is a lie, but you just said you are lying, but you can not tell the truth…. *starts to smoke*

    Remember this: There is no cure for sociopathy.

    • Oh wow! Yeah I remember that Star Trek episode really well (now I feel over the hill). A brief anecdote: my unfaithful XW sent a sob letter also about 8 months after the divorce was final. Typical apology, excuses, half assed blaming everything but her spreading for a man other than me, her husband. I just wrote “Drop dead” on her 9 pages of BS and sent it back, postage due. Not another peep out of the ho again

      • NINE PAGES!!?!?!?!?!!!
        I hope you had a case of beer and a great laugh while reading all of them.

        Love how you responded LOL

        • I heard from a friend many years later who knew her that the XW was not much amused when she read it. Yeah, when I started reading that novel I thought it was over the top too, 9 pages to describe that she was a treacherous liar, just a waste of valuable space. It turned out for the best however, I only lost six years on the wildebeest so I got off pretty easy compared to some folks.
          Beer? Naw, spent my extra “no-wife-now” money on flight lessons and got my pilots license.

  • It’s so amusing and painful at the same time to know these people say the same damn thing. This UBT chilled me to the bone in a way too because I can copy paste my ex’s grand announcement of personal growth via cheating onto it and it would be the same thing. These people are an actual type.

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