CN support helped me avoid a mindfuck my husband was trying to impose on me. Thanks to CN, I got up from my knees, hired a detective and in September I am starting the divorce process with judgement of guilt (I live in the EU).
Anyway, right now my husband already lives with his young lover (co-worker of course) and we are sharing weeks with kids (till end of summer).
I went almost “no contact” and it does WONDERS for me. I started to be more calm, my feelings started to fade and I started to fill my days with positive people and things. I go out with people, I learned to play guitar (I bought it month ago:), I take care of myself (and I look great in shorts!)
And what happens now is that each time we have contact, he suggests I have a lover. If I don’t answer his call — he asks with whom I was that I couldn’t take it.
A week ago he was bringing children back and he called from the road to ask something. When he heard I was not at home he said that I have a lover for sure. When he arrived, he made a comment that I wore perfume for somebody.
I must admit that it makes me laugh. I don’t have a lover, I don’t plan to, I want to be alone for some time, but I try to have a nice life in this difficult period. I was suffering for a year because of his lies and cheating and now I finally feel free and I see that life can be good again.
I am also sooo proud of myself that I don’t react to his comments and ignore them. I don’t answer, don’t write back. Just discussions about children from my side. I don’t love my husband anymore, I don’t see his value, I don’t feel that I lost a nice human being – it is thanks to you CN! You gave me the right perspective. Now I believe that OW won some destroyed man who can dump the woman who loved him and cared for him in a second, like an old toy. So what did she get? I think they are worth each other.
So my question is not some hopium, don’t worry. I am just curious are these comments jealousy, lack of “power over me” (before I was desperate, I was emotional, crying, etc.), lack of ego kibbles or just looking for some arguments to avoid judgement of guilt during divorce? (If he revealed I was cheating, which I was not).
Next time he asks what that scent you’re wearing? Answer: “Freedom.” You wear it well.
Look, it really doesn’t matter what he’s thinking. What matters is that you’re nearly rid of him, except as a parallel parent until your sentence is commuted. To speculate about his jealousy and control issues is to untangle the skein of fuckupedness. Whither fuckwits?
They’re pretty simple creatures, really. My guess is that he projects on to you what he himself is guilty of — overlapping relationships. How could you possibly be content alone? It couldn’t be that you’re moving on with your life, deliriously happy without him, you must also derive your pleasure from the ego kibbles of triangulation!
By divorcing him, you’re denying him the pick me dance. All the glory, all the centrality. If you had a partner, then he could have another triangle (quadrangle, hexagon, dodecahedron… I never tire of this joke).
If you think he’s jealous, then you think he still cares. If you think he still cares, you’ll pick me dance. (Bonus, this throws the OW off balance too.)
And as manipulation tactics work, it’s a good one, because a lot of chumps do flounce off with their bogus 180s, “miss me? Huh? HUH?” and start free-basing the hopium when a fuckwit circles back.
No, Tracy, this is different, because HE’d be doing the pick me dance now! For HER! She’d be in the power seat! He can beg for HER!
First off, that’s a toxic dynamic. No one wants to “win” a fuckwit. Don’t be a fuckwit.
Second, they don’t give up their other sources of supply. He’s not going to give up his co-worker to win you back. (Cue RomCom Now That She Has a Boyfriend I See What I’m Missing). If you actually HAD a boyfriend, he’d insist you dump him, so the focus could be on him (We’ll reunite! We’ll renew our vows! We’ll have unicorns as bridesmaids!) …. and he won’t do the same for you. He’s still got plan B, C, Q, Z… And there you are sucked back into the pick me dance.
This is all very complicated, Tracy.
Well, yes, that’s what happens when you start untangling skeins.
My point is, his interest isn’t sincere or flattering or regret at losing you. It is mindfuckery to put him at the advantage.
Is it jealousy?
To cheat on someone is to grievously devalue them. He doesn’t admire you enough to be jealous of you. He doesn’t value the things you value — integrity, peace of mind, authentic relationships.
He probably does covet, however. How dare you have the Nice Things that rightfully belong to him. That could be your wedding china, your children, your bank accounts, and yes, your attention and your sexy legs in shorts. Those BELONG to him, and there you are flaunting them freely. In his worldview — they must belong to some other man now. Ergo turf war, ergo how can he use this to his advantage?
Oh, fault divorce you say?
Free_Soon, keep rocking your new life. Get that divorce finalized. Enjoy all the freedom.