We married 6 years ago and had 2 kids. I found out about his STBX’s porn addiction shortly after we were married and his swinging in previous relationship. I ask him if he was monogamous many times. He said he was. He was tired of that lifestyle. It did not make him happy. He wanted to have a family, marriage and kids.
This past August, he came home and told me he no longer wanted to be married. I was shocked and completely blindsided! He wants to be free to sleep with whomever he wants. He also said he having affair for many months and I should have known. Who he was all along and that there were many others. His affair partner wants to have open relationship. I took him at his word. I am stupid for believing him?
I moved in to our second home with the kids. I am so hurt. He has not contacted me since I left. He is having party’s at our house with friends and his affair partner.
It looks like he does not miss us or noticed that we are gone. He is happy in Lala land and I am over here in so much pain. The kids are confused and wetting the bed and I am taking sleeping pills. He does not care that he hurt me. He prefers to pretend I don’t exist.
All my friends say I better off without him. I am not so sure. Who is getting the better deal? He got his dreamlife. I got the sad and lonely life. He said his mask is finally off. He can be who he always was meant to be.
I guess I have to file for divorce because he is too busy being happy without us. I just need the pain to stop. He discarded me like I was nothing. How do I stop the if only’s? If only I had known that he was unhappy.
During the breakup. He was texting the affair partner and she was egging him on to tell me. That he was leaving me for her. We were both crying whole time. Which was weird. Because he wanted to leave. I suggested therapy and opening up the relationship. He said you are only saying these things to save the marriage. And that there was no point because he was happy with someone else.
We were not even part of the equation. We did not matter anymore, but he said still loved me. His mind was made up and he was leaving.
I have not heard from him since he left.
How could he just walk away from his wife and kids after 6.5 years without looking back?
Because he has an empty elevator shaft where his soul should be. You mistook this void for a person and bred with it. It happens.
And it is totally survivable, although I know it doesn’t feel that way right now. (We’ll get to that part in a moment.)
Meanwhile, it’s totally natural to ask yourself questions that center around him. Why did he DO this? Why is he LIKE this? What does this MEAN? We call that Untangling the Skein of Fuckupedness. It’s a coping mechanism. You’re trying to make sense of the insensible. When really, the answer is right in front of you — it’s just too appalling to accept.
Because he can. Because he’s not that deep. Because he doesn’t give two shits in a wicker basket about you and the kids. Because he doesn’t bond like a normal person. You mistook a void for a person.
That’s the truth of it. Let’s review the evidence.
It looks like he does not miss us or noticed that we are gone
Yes, because he doesn’t miss you or notice your absence. What you see is what you get. A man who can walk away from his young children and his wife and not flinch. Zero agony. Just throw another shrimp on the barbi. Party on.
That’s not normal.
Chump brain thinks — I must’ve done something truly terrible to make this person leave me. Because that’s the only reason we can imagine for shunning someone — a crime. When really they just never bonded to you in the first place. Everyone is easily replaceable, like swapping out a used coffee filter.
Now they may dress it up, good manipulators that they are. “You failed to display your car registration sticker” or whatever blameshifting reason is at hand. And it still won’t add up. Is my failed car registration sticker a crime equivalent to abandonment? And that’s the next series of rabbit holes you’ll go down — weighing all your faults and misdemeanors against the sentence.
No. Stop and look at the evidence.
Who he was all along and that there were many others.
He has not contacted me since I left. He is having party’s at our house with friends and his affair partner.
He said his mask is finally off.
Champignon, you are not a fool. He wore a mask. That’s on HIM. Normal, loving people do not dupe others into investing in them and creating families. He’s a fraud and his affair partner is just a silly idiot who wants the empty elevator shaft all to herself. So she can embrace the void. Or pass it around at orgies. I don’t know. But what I do know is that there is no person of substance or integrity there. There is no one to miss — just a dream you were promised.
He also said he having affair for many months and I should have known.
No, you should not have known. His deceit isn’t your fault. You trusted him, it’s what healthy partners do.
The kids are confused and wetting the bed and I am taking sleeping pills. He does not care that he hurt me. He prefers to pretend I don’t exist.
Big hugs to your kids. Time to find your anger and be the sane, protective parent. Document his absence for the courts. Document every single thing you do to put those children first, and every fuckwitted thing he does.
He doesn’t care that he hurt you or your children? Then he doesn’t deserve your tears. He’s beneath contempt. Find your anger — it can be focused and energizing for the divorce battle ahead. Sadness can come later, but you need fire in your belly right now.
Remind him of your existence with a court summons and a child support order. Enforce that motherfucker.
Who is getting the better deal? He got his dream life. I got the sad and lonely life.
YOU are getting the better deal. You have real, live children who love you. You’re their rock. You have integrity. You have the ability to love and bond. He’s a shallow puddle of piss.
Funny you should say “dream life” because that’s all he has to offer — illusions.
Life in the real world, with its losses and joys, and honest connections. Let him have the fuckwit Matrix.
And that there was no point because he was happy with someone else.
And someone else. And someone else. And someone else. And someone else. And someone else. And someone else.
We were not even part of the equation.
You were never part of the equation. He’s a sum of one.
We did not matter anymore, but he said still loved me.
Whatever he says has zero bearing on your worth. He doesn’t love! It’s pure impression management. It’s not loving to abandon small children. He loves that he gets a reaction from you. (Kibbles.) He loves to see that YOU care, because then you will pull your punches and not impose consequences on him. He loves that you are of use. Actual YOU? He’s discarded.
Fuck him. You don’t need that kind of “love.”
Tell him he can show his regard with a generous divorce settlement.
He was texting the affair partner and she was egging him on to tell me. That he was leaving me for her.
Dance prettier. Fuck him.
We were both crying whole time. Which was weird. Because he wanted to leave.
It is weird when sociopaths “cry.” They try on human emotions like discount shirts at Filene’s Basement. Don’t infer feelings here. The truth is in his leaving, and not caring that his small children are wetting the bed in grief.
As a mother I’d like to strangle him with a piss-soaked sheet when I read that. Your children’s tears matter. HIs do not.
I have not heard from him since he left.
Good. No contact is the fastest way to heal. Unfortunately fuckwits often circle back. Stay strong and forward march on the divorce. Only communicate with him through parenting software and lawyers.
Champignon, it’s early days. You truly will be better off without him, but it won’t feel that way for quite awhile. Do the hard work of grieving, but don’t let it get in the way of the harder work of protecting yourself from him. That comes first. Emotions can be dealt with later.
You get a good settlement, and model sanity and stability to those little kids. That pays dividends. The tears of a fuckwit? Not so much.