I’ve recently discovered my partner of 5 years and brand new husband is a sex addict.
He has cheated on me in massage parlours and with escorts numerous times, and cheated on his ex-wife 20+ times (she didn’t know. I found the email trail. He’d been writing fucking REVIEWS of them!!)
Once confronted, he couldn’t even see there was a problem or take any accountability. With the ex it was “she was an alcoholic, she was never home, I was lonely, there was no love between us”, with me, he supposedly loved me so much, I was his soul mate, bla bla bla, but the excuse was the fact I have a mental illness. Which I told him about from the start, unlike him, I never hid my problems.
He knew I had trust issues to begin with. I confided all this in him from the start. He told me he’d never hurt me, never cheat, and he slowly built/rebuilt my trust in men and life, over the years that followed. I couldn’t have been happier marrying him… Why do they do this?! Why the mind games??
Anyway. I left him. It’s been a few months. I’m struggling with betrayal trauma, PTSD, whatever you want to call it.
My question is… How.. HOW.. do you EVER trust ANYONE again?? I don’t trust any men at all now, not even friends or family. I am totally traumatised. I see ghosts in the shadows and sex addicts everywhere.
I feel like in future relationships, if I ever have one, I’ll just be a basket case of fear and paranoia. 30 minutes late from work? You must have been getting a hand-job massage!! Not answering the phone for an hour?? Guess you’re off with a prostitute.
That’s what was going on in my life for 5 years and I had NO idea. I slept with / beside him at night never knowing who he really was.
I just don’t know how to ever recover. What’s worse is he stole the prime fertility years of my life, we were due to start trying this year.. now I may never have kids, by the time I get to grips with this and start over.
Please help. How do I ever heal?
Any advice appreciated.
Dear Honeymoon Chump,
Please take trusting future men in future relationship off your plate right now. That’s a big lift. Right now, just focus on getting safely OUT of this marriage.
You left. YOU LEFT. That takes an incredible amount of strength and clarity of mind. I know you probably feel like you didn’t have any other choice, but HC, you did. He tried to mindfuck you, say the things you longed to hear (you’re his soul mate, blah blah blah) and you rejected it. Rejected him. You’re STRONG. So stop thinking you’re weak and may never recover. You WILL recover. But you’ll have a big scar — all badasses have scars.
Trusting again is really a matter of trusting yourself. Of knowing you can enforce a boundary. Of believing in your own resiliency. We don’t control all the crazy out there. We just control ourselves. Based on this test, you CRUSHED it, HC. You didn’t know, but when you DID know? You took IMMEDIATE action and ENDED it.
You’re not going to feel particularly trusting right now, because you’re flooded with Escape the Motherfucker adrenaline. You’re in a dangerous situation — leaving a freak with a double life who rates sex workers like Amazon purchases. So, of course, you feel hypervigilant because you SHOULD BE. You’re not out of the woods yet. So please don’t second guess yourself. Just move toward safety. Shut down all channels of communication with him, except through a lawyer.
brand new husband is a sex addict
He’s not a sex addict. He’s an entitled misogynistic, lying asshole who enjoys having a wife appliance and a buffet of pussy on the side. We just have a whole bogus relationship industry that is happy to make money off this “diagnosis.”
Your husband doesn’t whip out his dick at work, does he? He doesn’t compulsively have sex while getting his tires rotated or shopping for groceries, does he? No. He PLANS for these rendezvous. Hides them. Pays for them. And has the executive functioning to write reviews afterwards. Seems like a very selective “compulsion.”
If he’s addicted to anything, it’s the power of deceit and fucking around on the side. It’s the power of convincing TWO women to invest in him, believe the lie that he is committed to them and safe, while deceiving them and endangering their health. That’s a CONTEMPT problem, not a “sex addiction.”
Once confronted, he couldn’t even see there was a problem or take any accountability.
That’s a CHARACTER problem.
Why do they do this?! Why the mind games??
Why do abusers abuse? Power. Entitlement. Don’t untangle his skein. He did it because he can. Because that’s his value system. He matters a LOT, you not so much.
I don’t trust any men at all now, not even friends or family. I am totally traumatised. I see ghosts in the shadows and sex addicts everywhere.
This “I distrust the whole gender” thing is an unfortunate side effect of being chumped. You’re trying to figure out who’s safe and who isn’t, and so writing off the whole gender seems sort of safe. Well, I won’t make THAT mistake again…
Look, there are way, way, WAY too many creepy Johns out there, but there are scores of good men who don’t buy women, who aren’t misogynists, who respect women and who would feel honored to know you. But get your sea legs first. You’re not going to date right now. First job is to heal up from this nightmare.
What’s worse is he stole the prime fertility years of my life
And for this, I hate his guts. Please get a full STD work up. I can relate to your story. I also lost the last of my fertility years to a cheater. I thank God every day I didn’t have a child with a sociopath, and I’m sure in time you will too. But it’s a LOSS. A tangible LOSS. Which is why people who are so flippant and casual about the damage of betrayal piss me off and fuel this blog.
I don’t know how old you are, but fertility science has come a long way. Consider freezing your eggs. Or — again, after you heal up — having a child on your own, or adopting, or being a step mom with a future partner. Or having a child with a future partner. There are MANY ways this could work out. This dream, with this fraud of a man, died. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t other dreams to dream.
You are a STRONG woman. And I know you’re going to be okay. He will always be a misogynistic piece of shit. And you will always be a badass. It just takes some time to heal. Big (((hugs))