Eleven months ago, I found out that my husband of 20 years and two children had been having an affair with a co-worker for the past two and a half years.
During the time of their affair he moved our family to the same town where she lives so he would have better access to her and he got her pregnant three times that ended in miscarriage. I hung around for six weeks in a mixture of fog and reconciliation while being smart enough to get my ducks in a row. I took the kids and left him. I didn’t want anything to do with the new house or that stupid little town.
The kids and I went back to our hometown and moved in with my parents. It has been a hard road emotionally, but I kicked ass! I got my job back, built a little house beside my parents and the divorce should be final soon! Best of all, I found a fellow chump who is adorable and kind who I’m now seeing.
My problem is that yesterday when my STBX came to drop off the kids, he told me that he’s “talking” to the OW again. This has put me in a low place. I thought I was at meh! I know that they deserve each other and I hope she becomes as “happy” as I was with that narc-ass, but I just can’t help but feel like I’m not all that she probably is.
What made her so special that he risked his family for her? He only sees his children every other weekend now because of her and now he’s seeing her again? This just blows my mind!
Chump Lady, can you please explain why he did all of this, and why I can’t just do as Elsa says and “Let it go”?
Why can you let it go? Because you’re not through it yet. Your whole world has been topsy-turvy for 11 months. D-Day was less than a year ago, your divorce isn’t final, you’ve moved again, taken back your job, and built a house, and started dating. That’s a LOT of change in less than a year. This was a 20-year marriage. Just because your ex is a colossal asshole doesn’t mean you can speed grieve.
The fact that you’re still bothered that your ex is “talking” to the OW tells me you probably aren’t emotionally available for dating. I totally understand how the validation from a good relationship can be healing when you’re going through this crap. And I don’t object on the grounds that you’re still technically married (others may disagree with this — to those people, thank your stars you don’t live in a place that makes you wait a year(s)-plus before you can even file.). If you’ve filed, have never been a cake-eater, and are physically separated, I don’t have a problem. However, most people are still very wobbly at this stage. That means a) you may get attached before you’ve fixed that picker and b) it’s not fair to the person you’re dating that you’re hung up on your ex.
If I was dating my husband (a former chump) and he ever wondered out loud what made that troll priest so “special” that he lost his ex? I’d run for the hills.
Would you really mourn someone who would fuck a troll priest?
I’d feel like, hey, I’m a million times better than a person who has the dubious judgement to fuck a troll priest. Can’t you see that? I’d have no patience for a man who would unfavorably compare himself to a troll priest.
So, April, why are you comparing yourself to a troll priest?
Okay, your OW isn’t a troll priest (maybe she is, I haven’t met her), but seriously? You think she’s special? To be an OW just means you’re dim and available. That’s it.
He didn’t chuck his family because of her. He chucked his family because that is who he IS. A person who can abandon a family. A person who can lie and cheat and blithely knock another woman up three times. He’s a guy who will move his wife and children and upturn their lives just so he can eat cake.
She doesn’t have superpowers to make him do that. He’s just that much of a fuckwit.
And so what if he thinks she’s special? Hitler liked kitschy art. People can have bad taste.
No one is “special” to cake-eating cheaters. You’re just of use. The kibble means of production, the spouse appliance. To be “loved” by such a person is not enviable.
April, what matters here is if you think YOU are special. The woman who kicked ass, filed for divorce, and field marshaled that new life thought so.
Believe in your mightiness. Your ex lost his cake, so he’s got to hang on to some kibble and she’s the lucky loser. Evict them both from your head today.
This one ran before.