I struggle so much with my situation. My husband of 15 years had an affair with someone I considered a close friend. For over a year. Their lies and manipulation are astounding. We went on trips together with our families (she’s a stay at home mom and was married with kids too), and all during that time they were having an affair.
I was friends with her first, and she met my husband at some point. They started their affair, and then we started doing trips together. (Setting up family trips so you can spend time with your affair partner. How messed up is that?). When I was busy with our kids, either taking them to sports/doctors or volunteering at their schools, he said he was at work but was sometimes actually with her. (He even said he was out of town for work once, but really met her at the beach). They are continuing their relationship together and I’ve heard that they plan on getting married once my divorce is final.
I don’t talk to my soon-to-be-ex; I only communicate over text or email as it relates to our kids. He insists that this relationship “just happened” and that they “never meant to fall in love.” Friends have texted her to tell her what she did is horrible, and she says similar things… how they truly love each other and didn’t think this would happen. She and her (now ex-husband) both had past affairs apparently, and are amicable in their divorce. She said that the three of them (her, her exhusband, my husband) agree that this situation is the fault of all 4 of us. She said to my friend that she admits she made a mistake by having the affair and admits to her faults, but that I’m not admitting to my mistakes and faults.
The thing is, when I tell people about the affair, I tell them my issues in the marriage. But I still believe that things were fine when this affair started. Not perfect, but fine, and with active work my husband and I could have improved things. In hindsight, I can how things were deteriorating, but I had attributed it all to work stress. He was always traveling, always working in the evening on his phone/computer, always on his phone. Never in my worst nightmares did I think my husband was having an affair, especially not with a friend of mine, someone who I had intimate conversations with.
I struggle that they’re still together. I struggle that she’s going to be in my kids’ lives once my divorce is final. (She’s currently not allowed to be around them). I struggle that the three of them say I need to take blame for this. The affair is NOT my fault. That fault lies solely on her and my husband. I may have been a shitty wife, but I didn’t sneak around and have an affair. I didn’t lie. I may have been a shitty wife, but I’m a good friend. She can’t say the same. Her betrayal hurts worse than the betrayal of my husband. She’s a horrible person, and I wish I could shout that from the rooftops.
Menage a Chump
Dear Menage a Chump,
Holy DARVO, Batman! The Other Woman wants you to admit to your mistakes? That compelled your husband to fuck her? How does that conversation even go?
OW: I admit I made a mistake having an affair with your husband. Now you must admit your mistakes.
MaC: I once bought one of those wall-mounted singing fish.
OW: I conspired against you for over a year, and reveled in your humiliation.
MaC: It sang, “Don’t Worry! Be Happy!” every time someone walked in the room. It was like the Mood Police.
OW: I pretended to be your friend, only to betray you and destroy your family. But, you know, we’ll always have brunch.
Menage, there is NOTHING you did to deserve this. NOTHING. We don’t compel other people to abuse us.
Let’s UBT some of this crap, shall we?
They are continuing their relationship together and I’ve heard that they plan on getting married once my divorce is final.
Of course they are. They’re trying to legitimize the “Blowing up our children’s home lives was worth it!” relationship. What does marriage mean to such people? It’s an elaborately catered farce held in a great big tent of impression management.
Really, the most fitting punishment for these two losers is to wind up with each other. Although I know it doesn’t feel that way now. When you’re selfish, destructive, and have crap life skills, it tends not to end well.
(Setting up family trips so you can spend time with your affair partner. How messed up is that?)
Sociopathic. Also, not unheard of here. The level of sheer contempt they showed you — getting off on your humiliation and the power of their secret. It’s despicable. And the kids are just props. So are you — the Obstacle to Their Happiness. The hypotenuse who can pack the sandwiches.
He insists that this relationship “just happened”
Oh right. Crazy how you think you’re going to work and wind up on a beach vacation with your fuckbuddy. Could happen to anyone!
and that they “never meant to fall in love.”
No, it was just a Love That Was Greater Than Them Both. They bear no responsibility for the tsunami of passion that washed over them and destroyed the little people.
They’ll take mustard on that ham sandwich, thank you.
She and her (now ex-husband) both had past affairs apparently, and are amicable in their divorce.
First off, you don’t know anything about her ex-husband. This is being reported by a liar. Cheaters often cast their chumps as fellow cheaters or in the know. Again, this is impression management. Getting to the narrative first that they Aren’t So Bad. Who among us doesn’t cheat? Shrug. But at least we are sexy and adventuresome and madly, madly in love. Whereas the chump is a sexless drudge who makes a lousy sandwich.
She said that the three of them (her, her ex-husband, my husband) agree that this situation is the fault of all 4 of us.
Oh, isn’t that nice to think that a tribunal of cheaters is voting on your marriage.
Who cares what two (or possibly) three fuckwits think? Do you take fashion advice from hobos?
She said to my friend that she admits she made a mistake by having the affair and admits to her faults, but that I’m not admitting to my mistakes and faults.
I like how she only made one mistake singular, for a yearlong affair. But you have plural mistakeS and faultS!
Listen, you don’t need a portal into her fucked up world. No contact with Schmoopie, okay? And mutual friends are NOT helping you by passing on the details. I don’t care if they texted her to say she was wrong (big emotional investment there), if they’re hanging out with her and listening to her bullshit, these people are NOT your friends. Real friends will cut her off COLD.
The thing is, when I tell people about the affair, I tell them my issues in the marriage.
Don’t do that. The two things are not connected. I know you’re trying to be decent and show that you have the ability to reflect, as if this was some Examine Our Marriage level playing field. It’s not.
Try this sentence.
The thing is, when I tell people about Bob smashing my face through a plate glass window, I tell them my issues in the marriage.
Your “issues” didn’t make Bob ABUSE YOU. What these two people did to you was ABUSE. Intimate, scarring abuse.
I don’t care how much you suck, the OW and your STBX had CHOICES. They chose to abuse you. Don’t assist their narrative that they didn’t.
Her betrayal hurts worse than the betrayal of my husband. She’s a horrible person, and I wish I could shout that from the rooftops.
I’m so sorry. You can tell anyone you want that she’s a horrible person. You sound like you’re suffering under some Fair-Mindedness curse of false equivalency. That you cannot tell the truth about what happened — they had an affair, and screwed around right under your noses, inviting your children and you into their high-stakes illicit fuckfests — without having to come up with something “bad” about you. IT IS NOT EQUIVALENT.
Quit surrounding yourself with people who need convincing! This is objectively APPALLING, friendship cancelling, sociopathic behavior. Your job now is to sane parent and build a new life. Cut these freaks OUT.