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Sexy Affair Utterances?

I was pouring through the archives this morning looking for a good rerun today when “Eat Your Pudding” assaulted my eyeballs.

Back in 2015, several alert chumps sent me the story about Steve Kroft, the 60 Minutes host having an affair with New York lawyer, Lisan Goines. (As OW names go, this one is Dickensian. Goines? Sounds like a cross between “goiter” and a Scooby Doo exclamation.)

The two cake-eaters were both married and the affair went on for over three years, but reportedly ended when Goines dumped him for being cheap. (He wouldn’t buy her train tickets.)

(Update: Kroft is still with his long-suffering wife. The Unicorns won this round.)

Kroft, like so many fuckwits before him, chose to make a press statement speaking in the royal We.

“My wife and I are committed to each other and are working hard to get past this, and consider it a private matter.”

It’s always “my wife and I” — working together, getting past it, and considering it private. Really? You sure about that Steve? You certain she wants to stick by you after reading how you liked to drink champaign from your mistress’s ass?

Page 6 reports:

In one sexting session, Kroft allegedly cooed to Goines, “Miss you and all that goes with it. Especially my favorite tastes and colors … pink and brown.”

Another time, the 69-year-old newsman asked Goines, 41, “What exactly would be your preference,” the Enquirer reported.

“U all over and deep inside of me,” Goines responded.

At one point, the hard-working TV journalist, who has a son with Conant, lamented his long hours on the job, the report said.

“Working late. Just ordered out. Would rather be eating your pudding,” he allegedly wrote.

“Don’t work too hard this week bc I wanna wear you out afterward,” Goines replied.

“You got it,” Kroft responded, according to the Enquirer.


Look, I’m sure no one would like their intimate sexy selves exposed on national media. I mean, we all probably have had cloying nicknames for our lovers or little kinks that best remain private, but I can’t help but marvel at the ick factor in affair talk. Rather be eating your pudding?

Is this a Bill Cosby reference?

Are you saying her genitalia is squishy? Because that’s not flattering, Steve. Are you saying she had vaginal discharge that you found endearing? Is this some reference to anal? What exactly about sex with her do you find gelatinous?

I’m sorry. I have a pretty creative mind and I cannot for the LIFE of me figure out how that line is sexy. What woman wouldn’t run screaming from that line? Or dissolve into hysterical fits of laughter?

Are cheaters just that delusionally narcissistic that this crap passes for kibbles?

I think you know the answer to that, chumps.

Today’s Wednesday Challenge (what the heck, it feels like Friday, or an 18th consecutive Monday…. I don’t know what day it is any more) is to tell CN about the silliest, gooiest cheaterspeak you uncovered.

Point and laugh.

I just remembered one! Cheater asked the OW if her hot flashes were for him or just menopause?


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  • “eating your pudding”
    Pleeese CL…it’s way too early to have this imprinted on my brain…!

    Who could beat that? Who wants to even try?

  • I’m sorry. There was nothing cute about my cheaters language. At one point he said to one of the women that their photo was really hot, the only thing that was missing was more bruises.

    I’ve got nothing. Well I’ve got my freedom. Praise God for that.

  • Since I was such a chump I never thought to snoop sparkledick’s mobile, email, etc. So no sources for me.

    Only after D Day I raided our apartment in the city where he worked and found the world’s tackiest cards to him from D Day Flatterfuck. No imagination.

    Imagination is probably a gift for some OWs, OMs and cheaters, but not for my case. Mediocre to the core.

    • I got in my stbx’s a few times, but he’d deleted texts and had secret phones. So even if you’d gotten in you may have still not seen much, just fueling the denial.
      And of course he had 2 apple id’s and sim cards coming out of his ears. But “No”, he’s not cheater!

  • I got to read their texts… and I think the biggest head scratcher for me was how awkward they both were.

    Literally their “sex talk” was:
    “your back”…
    “your neck”…

    My cheater ex saw himself (no kidding) as a Frank Sinatra Rat Pack type… he’d snap his fingers and call me “kid.” But the reality was that he is a socially inept, very introverted accountant. A covert narcissist.

    So for them I guess that talk was sexy? Pretty disappointing for a 45 year old woman and 50 year old man. Both well educated and not creative at all ????

    I read one back and forth that was something about how impressed she was that he once served in the navy and she loved that he was 6’3”. He corrected her “I’m actually 6’5”

    Sexy huh? (And he was crap in the Navy… I served with him and he was widely hated on board — no we didn’t date then).

    • I know why she took the two inches off his height…let’s just call it a case of “Freudian displacement”.

    • Your neck
      Your back
      Your chump’s anxiety attack!

      Sorry that’s what popped into my head when I read this.

      • TKO – “took 2 inches off” — made me laugh! Definitely Freudian. He had a lot of height, but it didn’t reflect at all in his male appendage LOL

        Kara – you are spot on. Reading his texts on DDay brought me the first of my anxiety attacks. I didn’t even know what an anxiety attack was until I had one as I was calling a therapist to try to start counseling — and she told me I was having one.

        It is even harder to wrap your brain around this kind of boring texting. He gave up his family and supportive wife for this banality? Meanwhile, I’m one creative gal. I would have been thrilled to “play.” He was never willing. But I’ve reached meh… so I let go of the “why’s??” and just chalk it up to: they are both complete idiots — boring idiots

    • FW I dealt with was a Navy officer. He thought he was well regarded but his peers and subordinates talked behind his back. He was an ass to work with. Very few actually liked him. When he didn’t make O6, he blamed the system for not recognizing his excellence. Major narc injury. hahaha

      • I probably know your Ex FW Naval Officer LOL! When they don’t make O-6, usually it’s because they are really pissing a lot of people off. There are many ways to make rank… but usually it takes not only doing a good job and picking the right career path, but also making friends along the way. My ex made nothing but enemies in the service. And now in the civilian world… same thing. He’s usually fired within 2 years of every job he’s had. But if you ask him (ever the narcissist), he’s the smartest and best… and his boss and coworkers are all idiots. He’s had at least 10 different jobs in the last 20 years… but everyone else is the problem? LOL

    • The covert narc can be the worst! So thankful you realized it! I’ve seen that type literally drive their spouse to disability with health issues. So toxic. They did you a major favor.

      • You aren’t kidding! Most don’t see covert narcs as a narc because they aren’t the “charming” types. Mine seemed so quiet and “nice.” And totally not the type to ever cheat. Ha!

        • Until recently I didn’t know about the covert narc, and prior to that I never would have seen that personality as capable of an affair. The social awkwardness, lack of confidence (seemingly), self deprecating comments… boy was I wrong! They are the most confusing of the types. The one I know is my FIL. I was always around the overt or malignant type narcs and could spot them but this I was totally fooled! But they’re worse, the quiet evil. And the damage they do is just as bad just insidious. Leaving everyone just confused as hell!

  • I would be more surprised to find their sexting titillating. This cheaters lame-ass dirty talk is probably copied from some porn site. None of this is original. Three years of this gag fest must have been a burden to the senses. I’m sure their co-workers mocked them.

    I wish I could send the spouses copies of LACGAL. I want a movement similar to Gorilla Knitters where the book is plastered along their daily routes. They need to know there is a far better life once you ditch the fuckwit. The spouses most likely shamed and traumatized. The cheater aren’t capable of these emotions.

    • I feel like buying some copies and sticking them in the Little Free Libraries in my area. Wish I had read it 10 years ago. Glad enough that an acquaintance showed me books about narcissism because that started me on the path to escaping trauma bonds.

      • I’ve actually been doing that! I set a goal to try to run some sort of race in all 50 states and I added leaving a copy of LACGAL in each as well! I have been putting them in those Little Free Libraries, but the pandemic has temporarily halted my quest(s).

  • My ex sent my 19 year old a dirty text meant for other women- “ now back to me eating you from behind slowly”
    She sent it to me and that is how I found out he was cheating. Married for 27 years- she was one of many I’m sure.
    The financial fraud hurt me more- but I’m still standing.
    Today I find out if divorce over or if I will be in the appeal process for God knows how long. I’m fine either way- no matter what I won- I’m free…….

    • OMG! Your daughter! I’m so sorry. That’s terrible.

      I had a similar experience (accidental text sent to daughter), but it wasn’t sexually explicit. Something along the lines of “I’m anxious (in an eager way) to see you.” [To this day, I cringe every time I hear or read the word “eager.”]

      I bought his excuse that he didn’t write it and that it was accidentally sent to him by a male friend he was texting with and somehow my fat-fingered, technophobe ex copied and pasted it into his text to my daughter. Btw, he got this friend to lie for him. After doing so, the friend said he never wanted to hear from my ex again. Another bridge burned. Another person aware of the failure of his character.

      I hope your divorce is over today. Keep us posted! Good luck.

      • My fuckwit sent me a test that was supposed to go to her while texting in the LR one night
        Apparently she was making dinner and missing him!
        I was making dinner for our family when I got:
        “Don’t bother making the curry sauce, got something for you later”
        Gross. Don’t miss him.

      • It’s amazing what we shallow when we trust our spouses. And so crystal clear when you’re in the other side, rewinding history in your head and feeling naive, stupid and duped. We’ve all been there.

        • When my daughter shared the text with her brother (30), he said, “Dad’s having an affair.” The kids know. Yes, I feel so stupid.

          That text began the unraveling. He fessed up to the affair three months later.

    • Your daughter!!! They really can ruin everything with just an unimpressive dick!
      I have experienced financial abuse and fraud, and it is major deception and hurt that is indescribable. Especially, when their family was involved. Its going to take a lot more for me to heal from the financial abuse, as I’s still not sure the depths.

      Hope you get good news today! You’re right, you’ve already won!

    • Financial fraud is awful. Amazing how FWs make their families suffer while they are off whoring around. I remember that he wanted to keep our 5 year old sleeping in a toddler bed beche didn’t want to spend money on a mattress and box spring to upgrade. We already owned the conversion kit and he was making over $220k per year but didn’t want to buy his only child a decent bed to sleep in. He also used to forbid us to use the furnace. He put a password on the thermostat and expected us to run the gas fireplace all winter with a box fan on to circulate the air. CELEBRATE your freedom from financial drama. Best of luck to you today! I hope we get a good update! 🙂

    • Wow I am so sorry you and your poor daughter had to see that. What is it with the “accidental” message sent to a daughter? My youngest – 17 at the time received a Facebook IM from her day coming on to a woman that was not the OW (while he was still with OW no less) letting her know that he was so happy to have caught up with her and how she should know that he had a huge crush on her when he saw her at a family wedding that took place in 2001- my daughter was 1 at the time. Sealed the deal for me and daughter that ex was a major POS.

    • Horrible! Your poor daughter! I often wonder how inadvertent this kind of thing really is, since we know they love to triangulate with their kids as well as their spouses and that making the kids unwillingly complicit is pretty common.

      My cheater, in FRONT OF our adult daughter, started to describe in graphic detail the things he had done to OW sexually. He did it in the guise of coming clean about his behavior to me and she just happened to be there, but I consider it a covert form of sexual abuse of our daughter. I shut it down as soon as my paralyzing shock and disbelief wore off enough to act, but it was too late. She was traumatized by it and is in therapy. She won’t ever forgive him and neither will I.

      OW made her kids complicit by bringing the fuckwit to her house and introducing him to her teenagers as her “friend from work”. Like teenagers can’t see right through that. Give me a break. She also made sure they saw him hanging around many times while her husband was away or at work. I presume that was just in case they actually believed he was just a work buddy and she wanted to be sure they knew it was an affair. She even arranged for them to catch her having an intimate little coffee date at home with him in the middle of a workday. She claimed it was accidental, that she had not known they had the afternoon off school. Oh please. What parent doesn’t know these things about 13 and 15 year old kids? She did everything short of fucking him in front of them to insure they knew she was cheating. Naturally, I informed her husband of all this. He was not pleased, to say the least.

      I hope your daughter is doing okay. Here’s hoping the divorce goes through ASAP. Mighty you!????

      • You’re right. In many times the “accidental text to the wrong person” is quite deliberate and an attempt at triangulation. The week before I moved out Nitwit “accidentally” sent me a text meant for the OW. Luckily it wasn’t graphic, just telling her the gate code to our condo complex. When that didn’t net him any kibbles he switched to the self-pity channel “OW broke up with me!”. Problem was OW allegedly broke up with him a mere 6 days after he gave her the code to our condo. I’m sure somewhere in the world that has happened but no way was I buying it. They can’t even keep their stories straight. I moved out and did not look back.

    • MightyMiss–

      My daughter found some incriminating texts but not that incriminating. She was actually looking for them out of a gut instinct that dad was fucking up. I already knew and was figuring out what to tell the kids but it seems to be typical that teen daughters are often the first to know about affairs. I was told this by a therapist after the tween niece of a relative discovered his wife’s serial cheating and blew the whistle.

      Not to make light but the text your fw misfired sort of gives away a bit of the mystery of how (aside from blowing their kids’ college funds stuffing AP gullets at Ruth Chris’s Steak House) these old dudes manage to get with women half their age. Oral sex. I was just reading a feminist dating thread about how horrible the multitudes of millennial porn addict men are in bed, how many have ED by 18 and all their “wisdom” on women’s sexuality comes from hardcore bonk videos.

      Did Pornhub trigger End Times for satisfying, healthy sex?? If that’s even a little bit true, I’m kind of horrified and afraid for my kids if dating is this bad now.

      • I’m a Millennial and I don’t think the situation is that bad among Millennial men. The fact that I was trapped in a dead bedroom while married to Nitwit had more to do with the fact that he attracted to heavier women and may have been having OM on the side as well as OW. He didn’t watch porn and apparently had no trouble performing for the APs; he was just a disordered FW who got off on the thrill of illicit sex. Sex with his own wife was just too boring.

        If all Millennial men suddenly developed ED overnight I still wouldn’t seek out an older man. Saggy bits, less stamina than a man my own age, no common interests, plus the risk of trading a young and inexperienced manipulator for a veteran manipulator.

        Just thinking about it makes me want to hurl.

        • NMMNC–

          Saggy bits and crepey bits lolol. If you grow old with someone and have a basic capacity to love, you don’t see or don’t care about the visuals. But when I was teens and twenties, being hit on by oldsters was genuinely traumatic. I remember telling fw I would have puked on him if he’d hit on me in my 20s at his then-current 40-something age and that I’d have needed the stomach of a geriatric nurse.

          The things that come out of my mouth. Nothing was funny at the time but in retrospect it sort of is.

          I lose track of generation cutoffs. I think maybe the essay I read was from a gen Z’er. The complaint was that men in her age group had gotten hooked on porn from age 11-12 starting from the time Pornhub and other streaming services launched (around 2008). The description of porn zombie behavior was horrible.

          • I think there’s a difference between growing old with someone your own age and having someone 20 years your senior come on to you. I don’t picture my college friends as 30-somethings. In my mind’s eye they are still 20-somethings or even late teens.

            But if an older guy came onto me just out of the blue I’d definitely be creeped out. The difference in life experience would make it so much easier for him to manipulate me. The reason I got out after only 3 years of marriage instead of 3 decades isn’t because I am smarter or better than the longtime chumps, just luckier. Lucky that Nitwit was a rank amateur at mindfuckery compared to many chumps’ cheating exes. Give him another 20 years and he’ll still be stuck in emotional adolescence but he might have refined his technique for how to trap a wife into staying.

            An older man and a younger woman do not listen to the same music. They were not shaped by the same political events. They are unlikely to have much in common. That’s why older man/younger woman relationships tend to be shallow and transactional. I’m not a golddigger nor do I have a daddy complex, so there really is nothing an older man can offer me that would actually make me happy.

    • Yeah, the financial fraud is the one that pisses me off to this day. Ass wipes literally stole from me, used the fruits of my labor to conduct their “romance”.

      I am wayyyy better of now than I was then financially, so I am good. But really, of all the gall. Tell me they aren’t whores, that is exactly what they are.

      • “Tell me they aren’t whores, that is exactly what they are.”

        Of course, they are whores. The harlot that came creeping and crawling into my marriage was a whore. She started cheating on her husband after two or three months (not years, months!) of marriage. Talk about wedded bliss! The poor chap confided in me that he he had found the same email that she sent to my idiot had been emailed to about 50 other people. It was a copy & paste job. She didn’t even change one word. She really was casting a wide net, and didn’t shy away from blackmail and extortion either.

  • I am only aware that she called him “my sweet drug” (very accurate other than sweet) and he addressed her as his “sole mate” in the email I found after I had discovered the affair (also accurate because they are a pair of heels).

    I’m grateful I am not a celebrity. I had my 15 minutes of national fame and am glad I could take it off like a cheap suit and change back into way more comfortable and fun anonymity.

    • Lol. they always get theirs, whether we are aware of it or not.

      I hear “time heals all wounds” (which I don’t think it always does, but most) and I always immediately think “time wounds all heels” Which is also likely most, rather than all.

  • My ex was a 45 year old man and you would think he was a 13 year old boy with his first GF

    1- he told me he couldn’t breath he missed her every second of every day he wasn’t with her

    2- he scrolled through his phone showing me some messages saying see Karen she loves me and I love her

    3- the over usage of pathetic emojis you know the ones hearts and stars as eyes

    4- her begging him to leave me for her things like baby you know she’s a bitch we will never argue

    5- pathetic sex talk like I want to be so deep in you ( he must be boring someone else’s penis for this)

    Just teenage hormones from a middle aged man it’s really quiet pathetic

    • “2- he scrolled through his phone showing me some messages saying see Karen she loves me and I love her”

      Wut? This is abusive and sadistic. Pathetic, too.

      Are these two love-struck, wannabee teens still together?

      I hope you’re doing ok.

      • Yep they got married 14 weeks after divorce

        Baby 2 is due soon also

        He took great pride in showing me the messages to show me “how much he was wanted “

        • Boy, that just reeks of pathetic pay attention to MEEEEE, see how great i am?

          That usually comes from someone who knows they’re not that great.

          His howife sure got a prize.

    • My STBXW stated in some of her messages to her main AP that she felt like a teenager again. Yeah ok, you’re 37 years old and have three young kids but as long as you feel like a teenager whilst destroying your kids home life and marriage. Well I felt like an adult and went straight for divorce.

      • LOL! They all feel like teenagers right?… they suddenly act like they have no responsibilities… running around and texting each other like dopes… clueless about how to be adults. My ex even forgot to pay all our bills. Even if they have kids… they are conveniently forgotten. Isn’t it great to be a teen again? My ex left me holding the bag (the kid, the house, responsibilities) — I got to be the adult. Dopes

        • The beauty of it is, and there are no exceptions; that teenage phase ends fairly quickly comes to a screeching halt as soon as they are out in the open. It is physically and emotionally impossible to sustain that level of excitement in a full time relationship.

          Back in real time I remember wondering what it would be like when he woke up one day and said WTH, how did I get here. But, I know what he did; he just started cheating on her.

            • No it wasn’t with me, ick. My daughter in law told me. Also, I lived in the same town for a while and I had a couple friends that still worked for the city. She evidently left him a couple times. But, she came back, and likely he just took it further underground. I doubt she was going to give up that meal ticket.

      • CNL– At this rate she’ll never be mistaken for one. That lifestyle is aging AF.

        • I will agree with that. She has now got more wrinkles on her forehead than this time last year and she is only 37. She is not looking that great tbh. I suppose all the lies and sneaking around and lying about domestic violence etc all takes it toll.

      • love your reply
        Well I felt like an adult and went straight for divorce. pure gold. thanks for the morning laugh

    • Karenb6702, I am so glad this sadistic scum is now your ex. He can scurry along now and get exactly what he deserves. I wish you peace.

    • I died at “he must be borrowing someone else’s penis for this”.

      What is it with he-cheaters and underendowment in the penile department? I guess they feel they have something to prove.

    • This! Mine wrote stuff like this:

      “I know that you love me for who I am, and not for what I can do!” — after six weeks of emails and zero meetings!
      “You are the only one that understands and loves me! I so desire our intimacy!” — again, after six weeks of email exchanges. And that love and understanding manifested how exactly?!? By sending him a tacky, cheap acrylic scarf that was not only an eyesore but a bloody fire hazard? Whilst I was taking care of him 24/7! But what are warm meals, a caring wife who stands by your side, and does everything you need compared to a $5 scarf? I guess it was an intimate scarf, but what would I know. I don’t do acrylic, and strangely enough, he always preferred the cashmere scarf I bought him!

  • “I love our quiet times the best” NO doubt, since even viagra couldn’t raised that dead noodle.

    When I found out he was cheating I thought this is just another example of something he is lousy at, he couldn’t please a woman with a map and instructions.

    • “…he couldn’t please a woman with a map and instructions.”

      I’ll never use Mapquest again without thinking of that line! And laughing.

    • This is great! Same here. He didn’t have sex with the harlot, because he couldn’t get an erection. His already low self-esteem would not have been able to cope with not getting it up. He also told me he didn’t find her attractive. Yet he kept it going for 2.5 years.

  • “Let’s take advantage of having this work thing” “I like the way you do business, boss”

    And still in my chump mind at first I dismissed this as likely just they way they talked to each other!!! Obviously, they were planning a fake work thing to be together.

    • Plus “I would do ANYTHING for this job.”
      What a ho-worker! I don’t think HR would approve.????

  • I think the texting reveals a lot about true nature of these relationships. It is fantasy escapism that they have mistaken for the real thing. Sadly, I have read 6 months-worth of these emails and it is remarkable how lame they are. It is a mixture of “I love you sooo sooo sooo very much” followed by “can I get a video of us screwing for my xmas present?”. Whereas the core of real relationships (hopefully) is something deeper, these ones are all predicated on sex, so they up the ante and start to pretend it is something more profound. I guess this is why such a low percentage actual survive post affair status.
    Unfortunately, I am still unicorn chasing – well one of our kids has had some severe depression and I don’t think they could handle a divorce, so I have kept quiet. I think that the thought that this was going on (3 years) while one of our babies was suffering so much is the biggest shit sandwich of all.

    • Do you think the depression may be exacerbated by the toxic family situation your child is living in? Get out and model resilience to them.

      • Yes, her depression started about a year into the affair. After DDay (1 year ago) his behaviour improved a lot and now things are a lot better for her. I am scared of upsetting things and causing the depression to come back as she is at a sensitive age (14). If it were just me, the choice would be easy. He has told me if I break up the family then it will be devastating for her. I think he is right.

        • He’s threatening you into compliance. You know that right? He’s scaring you out of enforcing consequences by using your daughter’s depression as a weapon.

          How convenient for him. He avoids consequences and you stay stuck.

          Yknow what fucks with a kid’s depression?

          Seeing her dad cheat and get away with it. She’ll learn that’s what relationships look like. Dad cheats, mom stays.

          Don’t model that to her.

          • My belief is that divorce isn’t what hurts a child, it’s the issues that lead to the divorce.

            • This. It is what is happening in her life now that has her reeling. Get out now. Her chance at happiness won’t happen until you do. Flowers don’t grow in the dark.

        • If you break up the family?! He broke up the family with HIS infidelity. He’s blameshifting. My little kids knew something was up, your 14 year old does. Sadly I no longer believe we protect them by staying, I did that for a while. I’m now trying like hell to get him out bc I see that I’m not protecting them by staying.

          • In our family with a fuckwit cheater of a father, the kids had: depression, drug use, anorexia, suicide attempts, feelings of worthlessness, feelings of abandonment, feelings of shame, confusion, isolation, trouble with school, trouble with friend relationships, trouble with boyfriends (choosing fuckwits and being cheated on, just like dad did), and probably more that I can’t think of at the moment.

            Kids suffer whether you stay or leave. In retrospect, my mother’s leaving would have modeled strong boundaries, standing up for the kids, standing up for herself, saying “I’m/we’re worthy of more than this bullshit,” teaching self-esteem, independence, perseverance, and more. I cannot fault her for not leaving earlier because she had to make a decision for herself also.

            Just know, however, that even if they can’t put words to their experience, and even if you think that it would make things worse, staying and experiencing the lies, abuse, and emotional abandonment second-hand has a profound effect on your children that will last long into their adult years and will set them up for dysfunctional relationships down the road.

          • I left when my oldest daughter was just 14.
            We were in a new city and she had just started grade 9.

            Not only did she know what was going on, she was witnessing her Father’s decent into madness. She was scared and confused.

            My 9 year old blamed himself. That just about killed me. But I had already stayed for 10 years of what I know know was gaslighting and abuse.

            I wished I was brave enough to leave right away. But I did leave and over time our lives got much better.

            My 14 year old is now 22 and has a University degree and a decent job. She’s tough as nails and she is very close to her little Brother.

            I guess my point is – leave when you can. It’s easier to be the lone, sane parent then have your lives blown all to hell daily by a Cheater in the midst of Tru Lurve.

        • If he caused the depression, the obvious path to permanently healing her is that he should have no more opportunities to harm her emotionally. He might be behaving now, but as all our stories bear out, it won’t last. He is not a unicorn. We know that because he’s using your daughter’s health to bully you into compliance with his cake eating agenda. I’m sorry to say that I suspect you are are spackling, my dear. It’s the classic “what’s best for the kids” type of spackle. What’s really best for the kids is not having an abuser in their home.

    • Wait. Are you gathering financial documents, securing a lawyer, and forwarding those emails to the lawyer while you are “keeping quiet?” Have you had an STD panel? You might be very surprised at what looking out for yourself will do for your daughter’s mental health, even if you do it stealthily.

      Even if you don’t plan to leave this minute, taking those actions will help you (and her!).

    • Kids don’t appreciate a martyr. They sense when a parent isn’t happy. My kids told me that they knew we had a shitty marriage (3 years of attempted reconciliation). I honestly thought that I was doing the kids a favor with the ole intact family scene.

      No woman or man is that good an actor that they can radiate peace and happiness with a knife stuck in their back. Betrayal is betrayal.

  • I didn’t hear anything “sexy”, but I did have a recorded phone call between them where he talked baby talk to her the entire time. He kept saying “pretty voice” and “I want you to post that picture you took today. You look beautiful in that color, I want everyone else to see how beautiful you are.” To top it off, he said “I love you SO, I love you SO” about five times. This was about 5 months into their relationship from what I can gather. This is coming from the same lazy dickhead who couldn’t be bothered to tuck his kids into bed, ever…..who’d lay on the couch ten feet from their bedroom while I tucked them in. THEIR saying to me every night was “Mama, I love you SO!” (Don’t ask me why they added the “so” lol). So it was sickening to me to hear him saying it to his soul mate.

    • I know it’s been said before but there are so many similarities in what we all experienced – in 8 years they put them to bed a handful of times, even though they were at home (working on the computer I thought). It’s all so pathetic really. I think the final answer as to why is just that they are spoilt children who just don’t want to be an adult.

    • Ok, I know it isn’t ooey gooey loveyspeak, but it is a phrase he thought sounded enticing.

      It isn’t at all surprising that they all speak pornglish. People whose entire life construct is motivated by constant drug-seeking behavior for fantasy and novelty would be more surprising if they didn’t perseverate on porn, really. That’s exactly what it is made to do, to generate revenue by creating a state of hyperarousal mixed with shame and shock to overstimulate the brain into an addiction state. Cheaters are it’s strongest target market.

      • I haven’t seen it their life construct explained so succinctly before. My stbx is a porn addict who progressed to a prostitute. The “danger” of his actions (example: sneaking her into his office during business hours for paid sex) fueled his high. Their text messages were laughable; could have been written by 13 year olds.

      • Reading the book “Your Brain on Porn” will open your eyes to how much of a drug it is, how “vanilla” porn soon isn’t enough, how anal sex became “normal” once porn became more easily available. Porn is ruining relationships for younger kids/teenagers who are having less sex (not that the teen birthrate going down is a bad thing) and don’t even know how to relate to each other anymore. Because they are exposed to it at such a young age, they have unrealistic expectations of what sex is actually like and they actually don’t have the interest in real-life partners because the porn warps their brains.

        Despite the “sex-positive” movements out there, porn is really bad for humanity, relationships, relating to one another, empathy, intimacy, and violence against women and children. Porn warps the brain and turns it to mush. It is a major factor in erectile dysfunction that is seen in younger men these days, whereby so many younger men are seeking Viagra and such. Men cannot get it up for real-life people because their brains have been transformed to only get turned on by worse and worse stuff.

  • I came across an e-card sent via a cheesy lingerie company that had a .gif of a hot chick in lacy bra, panties and thigh highs (not OW) swinging her hips with the text “Let’s hit the hay, baby! I’m hot for you, OW”. Ugh. Their code word for “spend your wife’s money on a high end hotel room and fuck” was “hit the hay”. Nothing hot about her – she couldn’t even use her own photo.

  • My ex used to play that song by Uncle Kracker “You Make Me Smile” over and over.

    To this day, I still hate that song.

    • Ewww! How juvenile and cruel of him to play it in front of you.

      My jerk bought a special music system for he and his she devil to listen to the same songs at the same time. They had one that was “their” song. It was the one about “she’s up all night to get lucky”. I’m sure the line “we’ve come to far to give up who we are” resonated with them. This was just more evidence they were arrogantly proud of being liars, cheaters and substance abusers. Funny then that they didn’t do it openly, if they were so proud. Funny that they didn’t seem so cocky about it when they were caught. Funny how they whined and pouted and gave effusive, if insincere, apologies. What a pair of snivelling cowards and hypocrites.
      I’ve heard that song since and at first I cringed, then laughed at the way being who they are turned out for them.

      • Juvenile is a great word to describe him.

        And that song “Up All Night to Get Lucky”. Is super gross also.

  • FW and the longest lasting Schmoopie used to call each other “husband” and “wife” so you can only imagine how boring their emails were. lol FW has never been very creative. Texts from the many OW were not too interesting. Here are some samples:
    “I won’t make a habit of texting. Just wanted to say that I very mucch would have enjoyed giving you oral. I’m sorry that I didn’t.”
    “Can’t stop think on you. I’m adict on you.”
    FW: “A pic of what would be rubbing against your breasts and nips if you were here now.”
    “I miss our beautiful pleasure of being together in every way and sharing every part of ourselves with each other. I love you and miss you. My body misses you too.”

    I am glad to reread some of the texts and emails to remind myself how gross and deceptive he is. The days of being heartsick have long passed.

    • Mr wonderful’s ex: omg mine too. He really confused his co workers by telling them he bought his wife a car. We were separated by then and they said you bought newlady a car??” He said no I bought(AP) a car. I was still his wife.

  • I laughed until I cried at the pudding comment. GOLD! I didn’t not ever get to see those messages( he guarded his phone like a 10 carat diamond). Maybe I just didn’t want to see. Ewwwwww!

  • As a male Chump I really appreciate this one. Thinking about “hot sex” between two overweight losers really helps me through my rougher days. I used to hope at some point it would click for my STBXW and she would wake up and think… “I lost my children 50% of the time for this overweight, addicted to gambling loser”. Now I just hope it takes her 5 – 10 years to figure it out.

    • When I see my STBXW now I find her so ugly. There is no attraction at all. She is now up to about 240lbs, she lost her dental thing so has missing teeth and she looks dreadful without makeup. She is 37 and has gone down hill fast since all her cheating exposed. Ugly on the inside and outside.

  • Gelatinous????????????

    “Hickeys and bruises baby!” (From their romp on the pool table) and what’s with the damn emojis?

  • I vote for the infamous conversation between Prince Charles and his then side-dish Camilla. Apparently the current TV show will not include it.
    Charles: “Oh God. I’ll just live inside your trousers or something. It would be much easier.”
    Camilla: “What are you going to turn into, a pair of knickers? Oh, you’re going to come back as a pair of knickers.”
    Charles: “Or, God forbid, a Tampax. Just my luck!”
    This was followed by a series of jokes featuring Charles turning into an entire box of tampons and of being “chucked down the lavatory.”

    • So disgusting. Only these perverts get each other.

      I strongly maintain that good humor, good poetry and good morals all go hand in hand

  • “I’m going to have a seizure next time you’re in me.”

    I can’t unsee that line.

    • Reminds me of Nelson Rockefeller going out with a bang-heart attack while porking his 25 year old “assistant”. The karma bus publicly humiliated his wifetress Happy via late night host Johnny Carson.
      Some drama series used such a scenario as a plot twist with the added bonus of side piece trapped under the bff. I use bff as shorthand for big, fat fucker

  • I found letters the OW (now the wife appliance) wrote him. He was going to Europe to see his college age child who was an exchange student. In addition to the “you are the most incredible man” horseshit, she actually enclosed a piece of her own baby blanket to “keep him safe” while he was there. The blanket comforted her while she was “alone as a child” because it came from her grandmother (who loved her More Than Anything).

    She cut a piece of 35 year old raggedy blanket and put it in the envelope. I guess this talisman prevented him from Plane Crashes and Terrorists.

  • Honestly all I can remember and really noticed after I remarried an amazing man… my ex never used my name, never in 20 years. Babe, I (and everyone else I’m sure) was just Babe. My name sounded weird in my own ears for several years after marrying my new hubs and it took me awhile to figure out why.

    • Mine never used a term of endearment always my name—equally weird when you are a couple imo.

      • I would occasionally call my then-husband “babe,” and he would get ANGRY! “Don’t call me that. I’m not a baby.” What?

        No fun. So unpleasant. Humorless. Pathologically quiet. Moody af.

        Even so, I thought I had a good marriage.????
        #spacklequeen #survivedoncrumbs

        • Spinach, I think we were married to the same person. lol FW is such a stick in the mud. He had a nickname for me that I hated but he wouldn’t change it. Toward the end, he started calling me by my name with a really nasty tone in his voice. Come to find out that nickname was the one he used for his ex-fiancee who had escaped him a year before I met him (lucky woman)! But talk about an unpleasant, humorless person. I often ask myself what I ever saw in him. I wouldn’t wish him on anyone.

          My son once said he liked it when the neighbors would come visit because he would pretend to be a nice person for a while.

        • It bothered me for a long time the things I missed, and figured out in hindsight. I guess because I thought if I had noticed, I could have fixed it. But, reality is, we couldn’t have fixed it, because they were the ones messed up, not us. They proved it by their actions.

          In fact when he told me it was work stress, I did try to fix it. I put less pressure on him, tried to make things easier etc; and all it did was give him full freedom to bond further with whore.

          I can laugh a bit now about the crazy stuff I believed. I wonder if he told schmoopie the lies he told me to sneak away. Or if he kept quiet about it, so he could use the same lies on her. I mean she had to know he was lying his ass off to me.

    • My ex never used my name either, until the end. Then he used it in a harsh sarcastic tone. It was weird and surprising that it did actually cause a ‘gut punch’. After he filed he told a mutual friend that he was never going to “say my name again”? Calls me “It”, “Her”, “She”, “Scorpion Bitch From Hell”-my favorite! makes me sound so menacing doesn’t it?! ????
      Even addresses my support check from a bill paying site ….Pay to “Alimony”. My bank deposits it surprisingly. Very telling though to me. WHO is actually “not over it”/“holding a grudge”/“being childish”? Ya, not me.

    • I never ever heard my own name once, 13 years.
      Im pretty sure now it’s all part of the identity erasure.

      I thought it was because we had pet names that we had personally created, but it sure hit my ear strange when I heard other couples calling each other by name. He also unilaterally changed our pet names to something else at some point and I never even questioned why. Too late now!

    • I had to reprogram my brain to stop calling my cheating ex-wife “babe.”

      It is special to me that I once used to refer to the one person in my life. To each their own…

  • Mr. Sparkles kept his phone locked and I only found emails, nothing saucy per se. But this one stopped me in my tracks… he had sent an email to someone on Adult Friend Finder… he used a picture of himself from our son’s baptism (he conveniently cropped us out)… and he was propositioning a COUPLE and presenting himself as a BiMWM who likes to be with couples.

    Mic drop.

    • You found enough. Something may be better left unknown. Also that locked phone says enough, in and of its self, doesn’t it?!

    • Mine did the same on Adult Friend Finder AND Craig’s List. After he had filed, and he was desperate for sex, any kind of sex. His last discard, married Owhoreworker, my former friend, had freaked and dropped him after he filed. She tried to hide, but I exposed them. Told her husband, told anyone who knew us. Of course I was accused of being petty and bitter, her H didn’t believe me, attacked me, but then my ex was relentless with his “love bombing” (“need to get laid”-his words). She confessed and my ex said that I “pushed them back together”. She used the text I sent her about being careful because he was answering ads like that to have sex with “men and women” against me in my divorce. Sent it to my husband and his lawyer. Slimy back-stabbing bitch. I was accused of saying he was a homosexual? Tried to make me sign a gag order which me and my attorney laughed at and threw aside. Not slander if it’s true!

  • He called her “parsnip”. That was his pet name for her. Later he gave our young son a teddy bear he named “parsnip”. Ew.

    She dumped him right after he came clean to me about her (but not about the others, of course) and called him toxic. He was more upset about her dumping him than about breaking up our marriage. Parsnip, as a word now, makes me cringe at the preciousness and idiocy. It is like he found the stupidest pet name possible and really leaned into it.

  • The OW sent a letter to me at my place of work with redacted emails between her and fuckwit. In one email she laments the fact that he is probably with me using the same cute phrases and endearments. She then listed them. They were things he said to me when we were dating 30 years ago. Cheater fuckwits are not original.. no imagination.

  • I was lucky to escape finding any of their cutesy tripe. But really. Nothing beats Charles wanted to be Camilla’s tampon. Gawd almighty!

  • My ex cheated on me, and lied to me our whole 19 year relationship (17 married). Five confirmed affairs, many more suspected.
    The last exit affair that stuck for him was a married with 3 kids RN friend of mine that I helped get a job in his medical office.
    Stupid or brilliant of me depending on how you look at it and the final outcome.
    Over the years (didn’t find CL and this fabulous group of people until after the final discard), I stupidly, naively?, confronted him with my evidence, which only gave him the head’s up on how to hide better, where his weaknesses were in his facades.
    So I only intercepted this one email, that was the confirmation of their denied affair, but it was so telling it was actually hilarious to me.
    One single sentence, “Why don’t we schedule sex more often?”, with a link to an article about improving your sex life for a busy married couple.
    One one hand, scheduled sex with a partner can be titillating and sexy. An expressed desire and communication that your partner is attracted to you, wants to share that intimacy with you, even if you are busy and exhausted and life gets in the way of spontaneous uninterrupted love making.
    BUT my ex is the most unromantic, unimaginative, selfish, sex for the sake of getting his pleasure man I have ever known. So what he meant was he wanted sex, and he wanted it guaranteed. No foreplay, no wine, dinner, flowers, music, kissing, caressing. Nope, just let me fuck you appointment. So gross.
    They are secretly married now. Who does that?! Hide being married to everyone? Kids, family, friends, the world except for the IRS. That’s how I know because he has to send me his tax returns every year. I told our teenage son right away. They had to have married within a very short time after our divorce for him to file that way. You’d think it would be a declaration of their twu wuv…”only woman that I’ve ever loved”, validation to the world that they were meant to be together. Justifying destroying 2 marriages and 7 kids lives. But nope, it’s a “secret”. I’m also casual acquaintances with Owhorworkers ex husband, so I texted him, he and his kids didn’t know either, for over a year and a half. I think he lives on the planet Meh, has bought and developed a resort property there, because his reaction was completely “doesn’t surprise me, it figures” attitude.

  • Schmoops the bartender asked Mccheaterpants to fuck her in the walk-in fridge at the restaurant they worked at. Apparently, this was their sexy place.

  • Mine sent her a photo of an omelet he’d made for himself while he was alone at our lake house.

    In the waning days of our marriage (and pre D-day), he asked me to teach him how to cook. I was so pleased because he’d just retired and I thought it would be great for him to get into cooking. Little did I know it was so that he could show off for her.

    What a fucker!

    • “What a fucker!” Indeed and Agreed!
      My ex whorefucker was angry at me that I wouldn’t teach him how to cook. He was a disaster in the kitchen. And would sarcastically say, “I suppose there’s no recipe for this again?!” , and there wasn’t because it was me being spontaneous in the kitchen with my garden produce just tossing things in as my tastebuds suggested. He would demand that I write it down, but sometimes it’s impossible to get exactly the same flavors, because those heirloom tomatoes that you grew and harvested could be different next year.
      I read an article once that this guy, a serial womanizer, intentionally gathered best recipes from his women to use on his next conquests.
      I comfort myself knowing that my ex (and this dickhead) wouldn’t ever be able to recreate what the actual original chef did because they are superficial jerks and aren’t cooking from the heart and natural creativity.

      • My ex, during the hoover/honeymoon phase when actually sat down at the table to eat with me instead of sititng on the couch in front of the tv and scarfing the food down as fast as he could stuff his cheek pouches, asked me questions about how I prepared things. He sounded so clinical about it, and his interest was so out of character because he never cooked anything, that I asked him if he was really interested, and if so, was that because he was trying to figure out how to cook the dish because he was planning for life on his own. The look on his face told me everything.

        • My FW had also started asking for my recipes and learning to cook in the last couple of years we were together. He would write it down on an index card and then go put it in a secret place. I would say, “Hey, it’s already written down right here in my recipe box.” and he would ignore me and keep up his mission of copying all his favorites and storing them in his secret stash. Pathetic and disgusting. I hope she can’t boil an egg. At the holidays (first ones post D-Day this year), I think one of the things that was the most difficult to wrap my head around is all those FUCKING YEARS of me cooking elaborate dishes all from scratch because he insisted on them in his classic covert narc way of making me feel shame or incompetence if I didn’t go all out with days and days of work and preparation. It was another way he used to make me invisible and irrelevant.

      • Lucky you. FW learned several of my best dishes and cooked them for OW as though they were his. I swear, when I read emails of OW raving about those dishes, it might have made me angrier than the sex. MY dishes? I couldn’t bring myself to cook them for a few years after DDay 1 but after my son got bigger, I would make the dishes for us on nights when FW was out of town for work (supposedly). He was no longer entitled to them made by my hand. I decided I deserved to enjoy them. I later found where he had written them down and shredded them.

        • Yeah, FW tried to teach shmoops to cook a dish I learned when I worked in Paris as a teen. I gather that he was trying to save $ or maybe not die of a heart attack as the price of that affair. To no avail though. The secret credit card bill from the affair was in the tens of thousands, mostly for grub and bar tabs because she couldn’t boil water but could certainly booze it up and eat like a Teamster. I saw the emails in which she lobbied to go here and there, naturally expecting it to be all on my family’s dime. I guess the consolation is that she looks like a Teamster.

          Too much salt, trans fat and sugar even in 5 star bistro food. By D-Day, FW’s once flat gut had started cantilevering over his belt like Frank Lloyd Wright’s Falling Water. Call it “Barma.”

    • The similarities just never stop. Mine had made breakfast, a poached egg on toast with cheese or something as I recall and just made it for himself.

      Weird as he usually did the family breakfast at weekends. Then took a pic of it and was doing a slo-mo of him cutting into the egg.

      Apparently to go onto his newly joined instagram account (the kind of thing you have to do when you are in your mid 40’s and dating someone in their mid 30’s to look cool). All kind of arty cause that’s how he is. I distinctly remember a fleeting thought of ‘why are you taking a picture of your bloody breakfast’. Anyway guess who lapped it up. Like, like like.

      I think they would have probably liked each other’s farts at that point.

      (side note, in the ‘reasons I was so horrible’ list that you get told at the end to blame shift back on you he said something about how I never let him cook. Give me bloody strength, How I didn’t put his face through a sheet of glass right then and there. What did he want a bloody permission slip to plan meals, go to the supermarket and put a pan on the stove. But no, apparently I never let him. That’s news to me. Imagine coming in one week, someone had sat down worked out what we were all doing and what we had in the freezer and fridge and what we need to buy, written a list, gone to the supermarket and cooked it. Yeah I’d have hated that. Idiot.

      • OMG…. I didn’t know this was a thing. My ex also whined that apparently I wouldn’t “let him cook.” He just didn’t cook! He fancied himself a master of the grill… but he just stuck the meat on. I prepped. I timed it. He didn’t do anything. Early in our relationship, he cooked a couple of crappy weird things from his mom…then never made them again! Meanwhile he was asking for my recipes to send to AP but saying they were for his mom and dad. He was 50 at the time. He was also asking me to pick his clothes… show him how to whiten his teeth…. so much ew. They want to have affairs but pick your brain so that they can actually look like they are capable at something LOL

        • Oh wow, my ex said that exact thing! That I “wouldn’t *let* him cook. I had the same reaction as Dudders, same as MichelleShocked ex thought he was a “grill master”, but burned everything or took it off raw.
          My opinion on this particular issue is blameshifting. It couldn’t be their fault, as a grown mature adult, that they didn’t know how to cook, or their way around the kitchen. They had to blame someone else, so of course it was us meanies.
          Mine used the word “allow” a lot. He wasn’t “allowed”. Whatever big baby, take responsibility for your adult failings!
          A friend of ours, (a man who actually cooks, cleans, is a giving partner) said he was shocked one night when his family was over for dinner that my ex (his childhood friend), didn’t know where anything was in the kitchen……after we had lived there for over ten years. Ya, because my ex didn’t help with anything, didn’t get anything out, or put anything away, didn’t know how to use the dishwasher (or clothes washer). A man in his 50’s!

        • Mine whitened his teeth too! Asked me what I used and then did his. Uncanny!

  • My ex told shitballs she could feel her “milk let down” when she was texting thinking about him… she had stopped breastfeeding our son so she could breastfeed her 17 year older affair partner WTF

    • That is horrific. Honestly made me recoil with disgust.
      I’m so sorry for you and your sweet innocent son.
      Speaking as a woman who breastfed 3 children, there is no closer bond you can have, and for me had zero sexual component.
      Ewww, just ewww.

    • 17 year old AP? Please told me you reported her. I’m throwing up in my mouth right now

    • Ugh, that you can’t unhear that. That is terrible, so sorry. I can’t imagine a worse time to be a cheater, after having a baby?!

      My stbx cheated during my pregnancies and that was awful but to think of the women that do it while carrying a child and breastfeeding and cheating is beyond f’ed up.

    • I think you just “won” the “Most Disgusting Cheater” contest, sir! Your prize: being free of that seriously effed up woman.

      I threw up a little in my mouth reading that.

  • My STBXH made a “play list” on You Tube with his real name, first and last, and a second one with the AP’s first name only–songs listed were SO cheesy….”More Than a Woman”, anything Barry White, etc…and then the last entry is “Sexy Love-Making Music”. One of her adult sons found it and told one of our adult daughters, none of whom speak to those abusers. My question….does anyone think my attorney can add this to the list of “indignities” she has in her lawsuit…. Since he used his real name, the divorce is not final yet and he posted it publicly? I would ppreciate any CN thoughts….

    • You could certainly share that with your attorney and ask. The fact that he posted it publically with their names and your (adult) children were able to find it… it’s pretty nasty.

      And btw WE ARE!

  • UBT answer this: If you don’t eat your meat, you can’t have any pudding. How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat?

  • “How about some ice cream for that?”
    This was the fuckwit’s response in an a email exchange where in the morning OW complained of a headache. Then later that night he emailed again and asked her if the ice cream had helped.
    I shudder to think what that was a reference to.
    My first thought was they had a private joke about his balls being two scoops and his dick being a cone. Then, horribly, I remembered what “cream” is a euphemism for. Eeeeyech! Absolutely disgusting. Either they were being cagey and not spelling it out so they had plausible deniability in case those emails were ever discovered (epic fail lol), or they just enjoyed the use of creepy euphemisms.

    As for that Goines guy, the pudding is the least disturbing part to me. It’s the drinking champagne from her ass that made me reel in horror. Wow. Did he use a straw? Did he get it in there in an enema bag? Did he get e coli poisoning or does the alcohol kill the bacteria? The mind boggles.

    • Worse than drinking champagne from some ho’s smelly “hump me pump”

  • My Ex-Asshat’s schmoopie wrote him a song. I wish I could find it to post those lyrics. “Sophomoric” and “simpering” are the two terms that immediately spring to mind. Insert exaggerated eye roll here.

    • Find it find it! That said I’ve got to dig out the poem I found for you guys at some point. I’ve no idea where it is now but I will have squirrelled it somewhere. It’s like a fifth grader has written it. Cringe to the absolute max.

  • Pink and brown???? Does that refer to cheap champagne mixed with anal discharge????

    I was reading a non-secular feminist essay about how kink is a reflection of character and we MAY judge people by it. Does a guy like to slap or choke partners while calling them dirty whores? Look out. Does your female friend brag about performing bladder-bruising porn gymnastics that never gave any woman an orgasm in the history of sex or orgasms? She will expect you to embrace pain and self negation as the price of PickMe acceptance too and will be personally affronted if you don’t.

    Does your pal like tickling kink and funny rainbow wigs? Okay, maybe playful. Either way, kink has political and interpersonal safety ramifications.

    • Kroft’s love of Cold Duck and santorum.
      Dan Savage ,aka Mr. Monogamish ,launched a movement to antagonize Rick Santorum by appropriating Santorum’s name to describe a frothy substance.
      Word of the week

    • I had a girlfriend once that scared me away with her fetish. She wanted me to rape her. She honestly wanted me to sneak into her house some night and just rape her. Needless to say she complained that no other boyfriend agreed to it. She is a senior manager in a government job. Very shy and silent girl. Her fetish scared me. I’ve had girls want me to pee on them too.

      • CNL– That’s not the first time I’ve heard a guy talk about this. I’ve always wondered about the effect of PickMe women who adapt themselves to abusive fetish have on *normal* guys they later encounter. Some things shouldn’t be adapted to.

        There’s a scene in an otherwise crap Ben Stiller film (the film tries to justify overlapping relationships) that nevertheless made me laugh until I choked. It’s the honeymoon suite sex scene in Heartbreak Kid. Stiller’s character ends up in a fetal position rocking himself from trauma. Not to make light of it but it struck me as something Stiller or the screenwriter might have encountered in RL.

        • Just reiterating that I don’t want to make light. I think it’s traumatizing for anyone who’s not twisted. I tend to deal with my own trauma through gallows humor but not everyone does.

        • I will admit it made me wonder why exactly she was into that and why exactly she wanted me to do it. I told her it was just too much and too extreme for me. I like a bit of kink and fun like most but that was OTT. Then other part of me instantly thought, what if she has a few screws loose and gets mad at me and reports me under a false rape allegation and uses that role play as her evidence. I’m not a fool so I ended things with her over that.

          • My guess is history of sexual abuse or watches porn as a training manual “What Men Really Want in Bed”

      • All right, not sure this counts as sexy affair utterances. I cut and pasted this one straight out of my ex-cheater’s Fetlife account, which I discovered on our family computer set up with the auto-password (thanks Apple). Wouldn’t have mattered anyway, since he used the same username and password my kids and I use to access Netflix. Anyhow, this is how I learned what he really meant when he told our marriage counselor that he had never been sexually satisfied in our marriage.

        “I have an invitation for those that are interested in a consensual non-consent gang bang who are attending Kinkfest this year. I am coordinating a scene for this young lady [the OW] at at to-be-announced playspace.

        Scene would include submitting her, binding her, and using her. Rough play and humiliation welcomed and encouraged. Spitting, hitting, slapping, choking, hair pulling, bondage and clamps, verbal degradation. Vaginal penetration, non-penetrative anal play, and oral penetration also welcome and encouraged. I’ll provide condoms and lube.

        All genders welcome. C’mon, nothing says ‘Happy Birthday’ like being made a fucktoy and getting covered in stranger’s fluids.”

        • “Happy birthday to me ! I got a herpes infection in my eye-y’all know how ???? “

        • Well that’s certainly something ????. Reminds me of when we found my STBXW on tinder whilst married to me, stating she had a boyfriend who wanted to watch her with other men. Course that tinder account was a “malicious “ account and not hers. No no, it suddenly disappeared 20 minutes after I found it and confronted her. God knows what she was doing behind my back.

  • After reading this I’m extra thankful that my lovely bf (who replaced shitty toupee wearing cheater ex) isn’t into anal play.

    Since I’m not either we’re both happy.

    These people are disgusting.

    • The anal stuff is a touchy thing for me. In our 15 years my STBXW never wanted that, stated she hated it and how it was horrible and how she was glad I was not into it. Turns out from all her cheating that she was letting over a dozen men do that act to her. It just all feels so disgusting and degrading what us chumps find out.

      • That has to be a hard discovery. Yuck. This was something my stbx always wanted and I refused. Maybe I’m too vanilla and In hindsight he was likely a porn addict. But I’d be willing to bet he was getting it from his side ho’s. It’s all about dominance and control, (IMO).

    • Yeah, I don’t get that.

      My ex only asked once and it was during the (unknown to me) discard year. I declined. I was usually up for things, but that didn’t strike me as “normal”. Anyway, he didn’t complain; but maybe that is why he left me for schmoops. Ick.

      Like you my keeper husband is not into that. We always thought the regular stuff was pretty good, so… Well matched I guess.

  • Let’s see, Once he told her that she would have to wear sunglasses around him because he could not bear to look into her eyes while they were at work and not do anything to her…

    Then she said she would gladly wipe his ass when he got older and could not do it, and he said you would, she said that she would, but would be laughing while she did it.

    She said that she must meat him now to give him a BJ, he says of course!

    After her making a comment about sex positions, he said that next time they will move around more so she does not get board.

    She says her hips are sore from having them at a 90 degree angle for an hour,”that was something else, I will remember that for a long time” (he was using Viagra at the time)

  • Ngl, one of the thing I resent my ex for the most is the fact that he never allowed me to read his texts with his many AP. He felt ashamed, so (and I’m not even exaggerating) he, in this precise order: cancelled everything in his phone and consequently “lost it” after one day I took him by surprise by asking him to check his phone as soon as he walked through the door.

    I wanted to read those convo! Why, you might ask, isn’t that just adding more pain? After all I already knew he cheated. Well, I wanted to shatter completely any remaining love or affection I had for him. I knew this would have done the trick, because the little I did read had some of that effect on me. Forever salty he took that chance away from me.

  • It’s not silly or gooey just downright scary, Armie Hammer wins all the prize this week.

  • Don’t remember too well, but saw some edited scrapbook type images he made with messages he dressed up. “Your voice is like a chandelier in my head” and he coined some descriptors for each letter in her name. Captivating, lovable, amazing, irresistible, riveting, enchanting some shit like that. Other cheesy stuff like sending pics of two mushrooms I spotted and calling it, FW and OW. Oh another one, we will meet in the afterlife.

    • A voice like a chandelier? Lol. Chandeliers are about sound in what world? Maybe he meant the tinkling noise they make if you shake them? If so, that’s far too obscure to be a decent metaphor.
      That’s some lousy poetic license he took there.

      • Metaphor, no. But if this were a movie, we’d be nodding, because that jerk is going to die when a chandelier falls and trepanates him, and it is going to be _so satisfying_.

  • Well OW blocked me on FB whilst their affair was going on but after D-day I saw that she unblocked me so out of curiosity I looked through her comments on FW’s Facebook statuses and on one of them she said “you’re a walking miracle”
    Soooooo effing corny I had to laugh. I guess this is what he meant when he said to me that one of the reasons he cheated was because OW made him feel good??? ???????????? I’d hate to think what other crap they said to each other in their private messages.
    My friends and I had a good laugh.

  • My exH deleted everything between him and the last OW when I’m pretty sure she dumped him when I found out. He knew he fucked up, and I’m sure he knew I would be out the door ASAP if I saw any of that mess. In hindsight, I think that was for the best in terms of my healing.

    During our 2-week wreckonciliation, he did text me a super sappy poem in which he had my eye color wrong. Pretty sure that was something he had sent the AP at one point…

  • I caught few of his verbal actions but they were all cringeworthy.

    One was her telling him to be careful on ice and him giving her a trite sexy nurse line.
    Another one he was wishing her happy birthday, telling her she was special because she was born on Christmas.

    Thank God I never got ANY romance from him, it was best spared!

  • Quote from ho to Ex

    “mummy wants to suck you hard…….”

    She was a mum of two BTW

  • Mine weren’t so bad. I can say that because he just copied and pasted things I said to him in our old love letters — while making me feel like I was too stupid to live, and telling his friends that I “just looked at him like a dog,” when he talked, just loving and not understanding a word. Yet, somehow, my words were good enough to court his twu wuvv of the week. (Also, he does not deserve the pure love of a dog. Or even that particular OW, whom he grievously deceived.)

    Thanks, Chump Lady. I never actually put those two things together, and I feel better now.

  • “This bed sure is cold without ya”

    I’ll never be able to get it out of my head. Having a slight breakdown right now just remembering it.

    • That hurts. These things are funny until they’re not. True for all of us, I think.

  • I never saw any texts as he deleted all evidence of conversations, but I did find dozens of his dating profiles during our marriage. The best line I read was “I love to go down for hours, and give a woman as many ‘O’s as she will allow”. I laughed so hard because, no he can’t. I almost feel bad for any woman that read it and took him up on that offer. Faking orgasms is really annoying.

    • Oh wow! I read one of those too. It said “I love oral and can (and have) done it for hours.” Poor recipient probably needed some ointment after that.

  • He told one gold digging whore “Even though I have never met you, I consider myself your boyfriend. After all, I am paying all your bills.”

    • So he pays the bills of a woman he’s never met IRL? I think men like that are generally called “marks”. Your cheater was a narc mark.

  • This reminds me of the recent Arnie Hammer scandal. “You are mine. I want to drink your blood. I want to feel your heart beating in the hands.” You just can’t make this stuff up.

  • She was 40 he was 26. The few nuggets I saw were pretty graphic. They were planning a hook up. His smooth words to get her to come by was….”if you stop by, I will cum on your face then pay you back by munching on your pussy in the shower”! Guess that explained the 20 years of minimal sex. I never had the right lines! By the way, where did the login button go?

  • ????????????

    (funny but sorry all that chewing and screwing was on your dime)

    • Ooops. Not sure why my comment meant for Hell of a Chump appears twice.????????‍♀️

  • I found a birthday card from the OW to my STBX. He told me he was going away for his birthday to a spiritual retreat by himself, but it was actually a fuck fest with the whore. The front cover of the card said “Happy Naughty Birthday”. The inside of the card looked like it had been written by a 17 year old, and it said something like this:

    Fuck yeah baby, fuck yeah! We get to be together. We were made for each other! Fuck yeah! Here’s to a happy naughty, sexy birthday together and it’s the first of the many we’ll have for the rest of our lives. Fuck yeah!

    Classy, eh?

    • “Fuck yeah baby, fuck yeah! We get to be together. We were made for each other! Fuck yeah! Here’s to a happy naughty, sexy birthday together and it’s the first of the many we’ll have for the rest of our lives. Fuck yeah!”

      HAHAHA this made me laugh! It’s so juvenile!

      • Yes, I knew the OW through work and she is really dumb and immature. I was hurt really badly when I saw the card, of course, but I also thought, what the fuck is my husband doing? Why is he attracted to a woman like this? Fuck yeah! He’s stuck with her now. I kicked him out.

  • The first clue I found was an IM that he had saved to his computer, where he asked the ugly whore to “dirty talk” to him while he was pleasuring himself. The disgust of her descriptions and degrading thoughts peppered with “is that what daddy wants?” was a kick in the chest. The air just left me. I knew by what she said that they had done these things in person before. And the date/time stamp, the “I love you” exchanges, calling her by his pet name for ME…so traumatizing. There is a special place in hell for cheaters. I couldn’t look him in the eye for days. I thought, WHO IN THE HELL ARE YOU???

  • Prince Harming and Sluterella had over 3,000 IMs over a 5 month period. During that time, they repeatedly confessed their love for each other, arguing about who loved the other more. Here are some samples of their exchanges:

    Prince Harming: “From the moment I rode you raw I was committed to you.” (He was still married to me. Guess this explains where I got that STI from).

    Prince Harming: “Sometimes when we touch, the honesty’s too much.” (They were not very original – they would copy and paste song lyrics to each other.)

    Prince Harming: His pet name for her was “Puddles.” She in turn gave his dick a knighthood, calling it “Sir.”

    Their messages centred around how awful I was, that I was an unfit mother, his plan to get me to vacate the house, how her body ached for him, re-living their sexual escapades, how much his divorce was going to cost him, the many places that he visited (lies – he doesn’t even have a passport!) and anything that made him seem like the good guy and me a bitch.

    He wrote about how much he loved his children and how he took care of them because I refused to. This from a man who rarely lifted a finger to help out or spent time with them.

    Sluterella’s messages reassured him that he was an excellent father and an Adonis with unrivalled sexual prowess. Really? This from a morbidly obese man who couldn’t/wouldn’t be intimate with his wife? Oh wait…maybe it is his wallet that she is attracted to. Other gems are

    “It would take an eternity to break us.”
    “I shot my load down your throat at 26 miles an hour.”
    “Will I get an end of year blow out?” (STBXH to the mistress)


    • Cynnie,
      I’m sorry for you and this made me laugh my ass off! I hope you can also take a step back and laugh your ass off too. Does he have a loadometer to measure the speed of his wad? Who says that? “From the moment I rode you raw I was committed to you.” Wow, how romantic. I hope you’re not missing the special kind of love that only a guy with a dick called Sir could give you. What an absolute loser. You’re the winner here! You won your freedom, and Puddles won Mr Fast Load. Yay!

  • I still think that Prince Charles takes some beating here with his unforgettable hacked phone call to Camilla while still married to Diana.
    He wanted to come back as her tampon.

  • I saw some texts between my XH and that woman. He said “I love your tits. I love your ass.” Then another one they were playfully texting. He says “tough girlfriend”. All of this while we were still married. I really just want to barf remembering this.

    • My favorites were “You’re a good lay” and “I really like fucking you”. True poets ????

  • I think my favorite (in a card from OW to Cheater that looked and sounded like a 6th grade girl wrote it) was “Buttstuff was awkward, but I still love you.” Much younger OW who I would guess batted her eyes and tried to do whatever might ‘please her man.’ As you said…people have a wide range of preferences and kinks so each to their own…but that doesn’t sound like it was a positive experience.

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