Once I found out my boyfriend cheated on me, I desperately searched for answers and came across your book. I tried to hang in there, but here I am 4 months later moving my stuff out.
He has treated me terribly our entire relationship, between talking to other women, the lies, cheating, being plain MEAN and making me feel insignificant, but was so quick to make me feel loved and important when I threatened leaving. We have a 5-month-old together, and I have a 4-year old that looks up to him like a father.
May of 2020 he moved a friend and her family into his rental house. We were having a lot of problems, so she opened her arms to me. I poured my heart and soul out and cried harder than I ever have. She told me I should leave him and look for an apartment (I was 7 months pregnant then.) Then she ran back and told him EVERYTHING. And she told him he should leave me. From that point on, she has been extremely toxic and putting a wedge between us.
She was always talking smack about me and he wouldn’t defend me, but if I said something about her, he got PISSED. She kept trying to get him to leave me.. I finally put my foot down and said you either need to tell her she needs to start looking for a new place to live, or I am taking the boys and leaving. I gave him two weeks, I did the pick me dance every day, I am HUMILIATED. He was extra affectionate, did things for me he would never do before, he cuddled me and he was always telling me he loved me, but he never tried to get me to stay and even helped pack my stuff. Every day that I would remind him I would stay if he gave her notice, he would change the subject immediately. Finally I told him, fuck this, it’s not your choice anymore, I don’t want to be with you, and I took the boys and went to live with my parents until the apartment is ready.
I wasn’t even out of the house for 12 hours before he downloaded snapchat (he deleted it for me when I had found out about him cheating as well as talking to upwards of 20 women on the app.) When I took our son to see him while I packed more stuff, I found out he is already talking to another girl (this man is 41, I’m 29, he likes younger women) and he had reached out to the girl he cheated on me with (younger than me and I also found out she didn’t even know I existed!) This is all within 10 days of me leaving.
I am aware he is a piece of shit that’s not worth my time. But I’m devastated and hurt that I was so easily replaceable and he didn’t even want to fight for his family. It was kinda, “ok I love you, but see ya! Can’t wait to see what else is out there!” situation.
I pride myself in being a kind and compassionate and empathetic woman. I am the quiet, sweet, animal loving – horse riding – what can I do for you? type. I did everything I could to make him happy. How could he so willingly let that go? Will he ever regret this? Realize what an idiot he is for choosing his tenant and his “women” over his family?
You are most decidedly NOT aware that “he is a piece of shit not worth my time.” If you were, you would not wonder what apps POS was downloading, or spend time investigating his rotating buffet of pussy, or call that other woman a “tenant.” (She’s another fuckbuddy. He must love the vulnerable single moms. Predator.)
If you were aware that he was a POS, you’d stop that pick-me dance this instant.
I did everything I could to make him happy.
Tapitty, tapitty, tap.
Did he bust his ass to make YOU happy?
He has treated me terribly our entire relationship, between talking to other women, the lies, cheating, being plain MEAN and making me feel insignificant
Why are you giving this man so much power to hurt you? Because he’s 41 with a rental unit? Because he got you pregnant? Because he’s abusive, but then walks it back with a cuddle and some more mindfuckery?
Wondering how he could let you go — is PICK ME DANCING. Look at me! Choose me! How come you won’t pick me?! Why did she win OVER me?
Change your mindset. Let’s reframe this.
I did everything I could to make him happy, and he treated me terribly. Fuck him.
Next ask yourself, why you would compete to win a terrible man? Knowing that he’s the sort asshole who would cheat on a pregnant woman, and casually wave you and your children buh-bye, where is your incandescent RAGE?
I have a 4-year old that looks up to him like a father.
Your 4-year-old doesn’t need that kind of “father.” He needs a sane parent. BE THAT SANE PARENT for him. Fuck this man very much for playing Daddy Rescuer and toying with your child’s emotional bonds. The Sane Parent move, Morgan, is to protect your little boys from fuckwits.
This man is HARMING them by intermittently pretending he gives a shit, when he demonstrably does not. He doesn’t care where you live, if you stay or if you go. He doesn’t care about you, he cares about his dick and the 20 potential lays he’s texting right now. He is an ATROCIOUS role model. And if you suck up to this fuckwit, and dance, dance, dance — you are too.
You’re better than that. And you are ENOUGH. This guy is poison.
But I’m devastated and hurt that I was so easily replaceable
Everyone is easily replaceable to a fuckwit. You bonded. He doesn’t. Look at the evidence. He’s a serial cheater who doesn’t invest in anyone. It has everything to do with him, and nothing to do with your lovability.
and he didn’t even want to fight for his family.
I have two problems with this sentence. First, “his family” assumes you still believe that he truly invested in you. That there was a family to mourn and fight for. He didn’t fight for it, because he didn’t care about it. Ergo, it didn’t exist. And you watch how that plays out — how easy he is to get child support from, or how he honors future commitments with your child. Do not honor him with “family.” He clearly didn’t think of you that way, no matter what he says. He’s got another family moved into his rental unit. Do you want to be Sister Wives?
Second, YOU and your SONS are a COMPLETE FAMILY. Minus a fuckwit. The fact that you mistakenly invested in a fuckwit (show a raise of hands class), does not make you and your sons LESS of a family. Your ex is not GOOD ENOUGH to be part of your tribe.
So, get your head straight on this. His “not fighting” is no measure of your worth or your children’s worth. Don’t model to those boys pick me dancing for a fuckwit. Oh, I guess we weren’t good enough for Bozo! No. He’s a sperm donor. A child support check (get on that). A guy you used to know. He is not YOUR family.
I pride myself in being a kind and compassionate and empathetic woman. I am the quiet, sweet, animal loving – horse riding – what can I do for you? type.
These are good qualities. But I also see you describe yourself like a character in a Hallmark movie special — the sweet ingenue, who loves animals and riding horses. I hope you didn’t spackle your ex into a part he’s clearly not right for — the wild mustang you tamed, who with just the right amount of Love and Understanding becomes domesticated.
Your ex is no more domesticated than a rabid possum. And “what can I do for you?” is nice if you’re a concierge. But healthy relationships aren’t about being of service to someone, LOPSIDEDLY. They’re about mutuality and respect. Intimacy. Deep friendship. A good relationship will bring out your best self. Policing your cheating boyfriend’s SnapChat is not your best self.
Will he ever regret this?
No. But he might hoover back for more kibbles. He’s got an 18-year window into your life. Shields up! Boundaries!
To have regrets is to have introspection, a quality I’m sure he lacks, judging by his behavior. Maybe someday when he’s not King of Douchebag mountain, when he’s old and infirm, and his ball sack is shriveled, he might look around at other people with invested, actual families and wonder why no one visits him. And feel a twinge of something sad. And then he’ll probably go buy an escort. Because why dwell on it?
Realize what an idiot he is for choosing his tenant and his “women” over his family?
Here’s a little article from Scientific American on why narcissists lose popularity over time. To be the kind of person who’s done what he’s done, according to these scientists, means you tend to flit through life. From one encounter to the next. Does that make someone an idiot? To my values, yes. I think being someone who loves deeply and forms bonds is better. But I don’t think shallowness and a trail of broken hearts bothers narcissists all that much.
You just need to realize what sort of person you’re dealing with. Who you are, and who they are. And why you’re never going to be compatible.
And when you realize that, the why, why, why not ME? is irrelevant. Thank GOD it’s not you.