Several alert chumps have sent me requests to watch the new Tiger Woods documentary on HBO and snark about Rachel Uchitel, who appears to be enjoying the secondhand fumes of celebrity.
Before I get to my trenchant commentary, why is Uchitel glaring at us while forcefully unbuttoning her jacket? I fear for this breast button. Valiantly holding together those bicycled-pumped boobs. Can it stand up to the force? Or will it pop off and blind a cameraman?
Anywho… back to the Tiger documentary…. I couldn’t finish it. I didn’t get to the sad sausage Schmoopie self-reflection part because I couldn’t get through the golf part.
I know Tiger Woods is a barrier-breaking golf savant. And I know his father pushed him (I wanted to yell at Earl, “HE IS A BABY! Put down your ego and let this poor kid have a potty break!”) But this drama could not draw me in because… golf.
I hate golf. I hate country clubs. I hate lime green trousers. I hate Brett Kavanagh cos-play. I hate white shoes with tassels. I hate a sport that requires pressed leisure wear and tidy haircuts. I have deep FOO golf issues. (My grandfather: “Tracy, you are sick in the head. Golf is a wholesome FAMILY SPORT.”)
Can’t watch golf.
But that’s okay, because Rachel Uchitel has spoken to many media outlets about how very difficult it has been to be Rachel Uchitel. And the Universal Bullshit Translator is here for it.
From People magazine: Tiger Woods’ Former Mistress Rachel Uchitel on Why She’s Appearing in Doc After Years of ‘Shame’
In a recent interview with Extra, Uchitel — the woman who was at the forefront of Woods’ 2009 sex scandal — revealed why it was important for her to finally speak out after spending years “under the shame of what’s been going on.”
“I have been silent for over a decade now, and I felt that it was really important to me to speak only once in my life because I have spent all these years letting people think what they want to think and say what they want to say,” she told the outlet.
Did I get a hush money deal for $10 million brokered by Gloria Allred and then fucked up the nondisclosure part when I emotionally vomited all over Drew Pinsky in Celebrity Rehab? And had to give the money back?
Switcho! Change-o! DARVO! I am oppressed by shame and silence.
“I needed to take the shackles off and be able to tell my story for me.”
Unshackle the VIP hostesses of the world and let them be free! Tell all my people the great tidings of all-you-can-eat breadsticks!
Uchitel, 45, said it was time to “set the record straight on what happened” as she believes that “one moment doesn’t define your life.”
One moment doesn’t inspire great confidence in Tiger’s lovemaking skills.
“I don’t like to be branded as a mistress. I don’t like to be branded as a homewrecker — that’s not who I am,” she told the outlet. “I’m a 45-year-old woman. I made one wrong turn 10 years ago … I didn’t throw somebody down the stairs. I didn’t kill someone. I made a mistake. Everybody makes mistakes.”
Bitch cookie. No one died! Oh… except my first fiancee in 9/11 and then I tried to shake his family down for money.
In 2002 I told the New York Times: ”Money doesn’t necessarily compensate, but in this society that’s what we use to compensate. What else is there, unless they’re going to give me some knight in shining armor?”
Hey, it’s not like I drove the plane into the building.
“The whole thing has made my life a living hell for the last 10 years,” she told Extra, adding, “I made a bad decision. And I regret it, and I’m embarrassed about it …”
So embarrassed that after Tiger, I cheated with actor David Boreanaz while his wife was pregnant. If homewrecker isn’t my brand, Ivory doesn’t make soap.
I regret nothing. Except maybe this fitted powder blue jacket that looks like the unholy love child of Margaret Thatcher and a sunbrella deck cushion.
She said she hopes her appearance in the documentary will help people further understand her side of the story and “maybe look inside themselves and realize that maybe they’ve made a mistake like that.”
Who among us hasn’t star-fucked? May I escort you to the champagne lounge?
“I would just hope that maybe at this point, now that everybody knows my name, they might just maybe want to believe me a little bit,” Uchitel said in the interview. “That I’m not that awful of a person and they could maybe give me a chance this time around.”
I’m actually that awful a person.