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UBT Me, Please

deserveWell, this doesn’t happen very often. A cheater submitted their OWN bullshit to the Universal Bullshit Translator.

Yes. Really.

This blog is absolute crap! I believe that the infidelity person should be given a second chance to prove that they can have the life they had before they caused and made a big mess of “you’ve made your bed now lie in it.” I had a 4-month affair, it was shit and I don’t know what made me keep going back there to this prick of a guy I was cheating on my husband with. My husband is my home and heart I’m just the Asshole that that became greedy not a “narcissist” as you keep labelling people. This is not stupid shit people say. I want my husband back and I want the life I had with him back. I love him with all my heart!


Dear Nic,

You asked for it…

This blog is absolute crap!

The UBT’s feelings are incredibly hurt by a self-described asshole. The depth of the UBT’s pain is proportional to the deep admiration it has for your morals… and first-rate ability to craft run-on sentences.

I believe that the infidelity person

“Cheater” is such an ugly word. Infidelity person is just one of those randomly assigned labels. Like “Tadpole” when you’re put in the slow pool and you really believe you’re a Dolphin.

should be given a second chance to prove that they can have the life they had before they caused and made a big mess of “you’ve made your bed now lie in it.”

I’m entitled to a second chance. Big messy beds consequences suck. If you give me a second chance, I will PROVE that I can turn back time to those simpler days… when you were a chump.

I had a 4-month affair, it was shit and I don’t know what made me keep going back there to this prick of a guy I was cheating on my husband with.

I have no idea why I had a 4-month affair. Maybe if I can go back in time and cheat all over again, I’ll figure it out! My moral befuddlement should totally reassure you. Let’s stay married!

My husband is my home and heart

The prick is just a guy I like to fuck.

He doesn’t have a home (or one I’m welcome in), so I need a place to crash. I LOVE YOU BABY! Fluff the pillows, I’m coming home!

I’m just the Asshole that that became greedy not a “narcissist” as you keep labelling people.

Greedy asshole is so much nicer than “narcissist.”

I don’t know how infidelity people become greedy. Just one of those messy bed things. We should stop labeling tadpoles.

This is not stupid shit people say.

No. I wrote this stupid shit.

I want my husband back and I want the life I had with him back.

I don’t really care what he wants. I miss cake.

I love him with all my heart!

He dumped me! And my prick boyfriend did too.

This one ran previously.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Is she angry much?? Once someone chooses to cheat they can never get the marriage back to where it was. Sounds to me she is angry because she got caught and her husband showed her the door. Aww, poor little cheater has to face consequences.

    • “Once someone chooses to cheat they can never get the marriage back to where it was.” Truer words were never written. Chumps will never be able to trust the CHEATER again, regardless of how sincere the efforts to repair. They will always know what the CHEATER is capable of doing, and will never feel safe again in that relationship. Triggers come out of the blue, blindsiding the chump with grief. Who wants to live like that?

      You can change the words however you want, but the definition remains the same. You let some other guy stick his dick in you while your spouse trusted and believed you were keeping your vows. You can call it whatever you want, but that decision on your part shows us what we need to know about your so-called character.

      Along that line, did any of you see where some yahoo is trying to change the word “mistress” to something else? Like that will make a difference??

      • I’ve been told we cannot say Mistress in Court. WTF is with this political correctedness? The appropriate title is WHORE re: someone who sets their sights on another persons spouse for financial gain of all that has been built over years in the marriage. That will be the day I will refer to Cheaters Mistress as “significant other”. She is of no significance as her claim to fame is assisting someone to bomb their own family.

        • My lawyer used the word paramour to describe the AP in court and in emails to me. This was a man in his early forties, so I found it pretty hilarious to hear him throwing around a word that I associate with mid-century romance novels. Now I get it. He was using creative language to avoid proscribed words, while getting the point across????

          • Adultery collaborator has a good gender neutral ring. Blunt, legally specific, ugly. Mistress always sounded too gothic and romantic to fit most of the human potatoes who do this.

          • I’ve been calling my XH a whore, but I think even that is too dignified for a creature like him. At least actual sex workers provide value for money and are honest about the fact that they are sleeping with other people, which is more than can be said for Nitwit.

            • a whore is someone who fucks around for free.
              a prostitute or sex worker is someone who gets paid for sex
              there is a different

            • How about lying, treacherous, piece-of-shit narcissistic whore? That might slightly differentiate it from the whores (men/women/transgender and beyond) who are honest about what they’re doing for money or some type of material gain. That’s what I think of my XW as. She saw her former boss’s vacation home on an island off Maine (Vinehaven), and envy and greed set into her adulterous heart and mind.

              Didn’t hurt that he’s at least a millionaire, probably multi-millionaire. Twenty four years of love and devotion on my part didn’t stand a chance. That’s why she’s the lying, treacherous, piece-of-shit whore, and I’m just the chump. It was so much easier to leave me behind then to deal w/my depression following job burnout after 20+ years of high stress in pharmacy. What does love, three children and almost 30 years of knowing each other and being friends (I thought) and lovers mean to them? NADA. Try to work things out? Nah, fuck that. Literally.????

              Now she thinks she’s set for life by marrying him, probably on that Maine island home she coveted this upcoming September (the month we were married in. No fucking class, as usual), w/his money, and his willingness to be there for her. Yeah, until his next yearning for a new piece of ass. I don’t say that to be insensitive, but every person I’ve run into that knows this former political player (and asshole) in our little state tells me how he was always known for chasing after many women thru his 40 year marriage (or at least after he was married for 20 years). Nobody stands up and says what a great guy he is/was, except the FW XW. So piece of ass is how I think he views women. What an asshole.

              They’re both LYING, TREACHEROUS, POS NARCISSISTIC WHORES. Good riddance. As my brother said and I continue to say, “They deserve each other.” They sure as hell didn’t give a shit about their partners or the families they were blowing up.

        • ‘WHORE re: someone who sets their sights on another persons spouse for financial gain’
          I would just add that it’s someone who poaches someone else’s spouse for personal gain of any kind.

          • I agree!
            In my case the whore and the ex made and continue to make the same salary.
            She was never married and has no kids.
            Without the cost of raising 2 kids, including expensive colleges, and my alimony, I’d say the whore has the financial upper hand.

        • As in- “batten down the hatches! A whorenado is a coming!”

          *I’m imagining a CL cartoon- a flurry of cheap stillettos and Axe cologne flying out of a whirlwind of arms/legs etc.

          • ????????????you’re both killing me. Batten down the hatches a Whorenado is coming!???????????? yes please CL let’s see the Cartoon!
            WHY do the Courts tip toe around these terms? ????????????

      • I like “hit woman” or “hit man”.

        The word “affair” has a breezy romantic ring to it. “Partner” pisses me off because I was the legitimate partner.

        “Bastard” works for either male or female, and Webster’s definition of noun or adjective fit cheaters.

        “That woman” is my all-purpose go to. I can say it in polite company and in front of minor children.

          • Your honour I’m afraid that in 2020 I was suffering from a bad case of Hovid-19 and it was very emotionally damaging to my marriage how fast she spread and to how many and thankfully you your honour has the cure called a divorce.

            I rest my case.

  • Can’t stop laughing long enough to craft something helpful really. But I do hope that Nic continued to come back here and steam about everything she reads from CL … and that Nic’s husband was able to move on without her.

  • Ah consequences….

    The cheaters kryptonite, its just no fun once the cake is gone and real life shows up.

  • That man did well in sticking to his guns and getting rid of her. Four months is a long time to take to realize that you’re stupid.

    For me it’s not so much the sex that a cheater has, it is the mentality of the secret life. It’s the delving into looking for other people, making these choices to talk to other people outside of the marriage in a sexual manner.

    That’s the deal breaker to me because the infidelity doesn’t start in the genitals. It starts in the brain.

    Some people just want to know how much they can get away with. And it gives a thrill and I can’t deal with that. I’m out.

    • “For me it’s not so much the sex that a cheater has, it is the mentality of the secret life.” Well said Mutha!

      A secret sexual life is based on lies and entitlement. Hundreds of lies and massive entitlement. And once a Chump takes a bite of the apple and sees the real world the cheater inhabits, our eyes are open to how dishonesty, entitlement and cowardice are hard-wired into the person we once loved. Then it’s all over except the lawyers.

      • Catching my ex wife in her pathological lying was a huge eye opener for me. Years of lies all started flooding my mind and not just about cheating but everyday little things she would lie about. It was and is so natural to her to just lie and it scares me. The sex thing is degrading and humiliating to me and considering the sheer amount of AP’s I discovered i still can’t get my head around it but the pathological lying was unbelievable. I recorded conversations in person and I kept the emails and messages and her stories constantly changed, constantly little variations. It’s just left me feeling so stupid and naive for having met her to begin with. The biggest damage is living with knowing I wasted 15 years on a sociopath waster.

        • Hi ChumpyNoLove:

          I feel stupid and naive too. And not only do you have to replay the whole relationship with your spouse, but every relationship. I thought I was a smart and savvy woman but clearly I was not. So of course the next question is how many other people lied to me and I didn’t know, how many other relationships were/are not what I thought? It’s a long painful process and not one damn part of it is easy.

          Anyway, I am right there with you in this journey, and I wish both of us peace and true love one day.

          • In spite of lots of ongoing therapy, I have serious trust issues as a result of what happened with my ex. I look for red flags and lies continually. I am unwilling to make allowances as I did for 26 years with him. My core was rocked, twisted, turned and pulled out. What I’ve achieved since, left at 59 and now 61, is amazing even to myself. However I am changed forever, for good and bad. My mother commented that she was pleased I’d ‘got over it’. My response ‘I will never get over it. I am scarred and a different person now’. I don’t intend to waste anymore of my life on him. That does not mean that I’ve forgotten or forgiven. I never will. That’s what affairs and the savage cruelty that accompanies them does to the faithful.

            • Read this on Humans of New York and it resonated. It was about someone who endured a life changing trauma inflicted by another individual…

              Your anger is the part of you that knows your mistreatment and abuse are unacceptable.
              Your anger knows you deserve to be treated well, and with kindness.
              Your anger is a part of you that LOVES you

              • Rebecca,
                My cheating ex has blamed my anger as the reason he has been unable to make it up to me (my fault=blameshifting????). I’ve written down your words which made me feel so much better. Thank you so much.

          • My experience with Mr Sleazy deceiving me for so long, also made me wonder if I had been cheated on before by anyone else. Then I found out for sure that I had been!
            A decades-ago college ex-boyfriend committed suicide recently. I got proof after the funeral that he had cheated on me at the worst possible time in my life. We had been together for almost two years, and were planning to spend our lives together. Then, because my mother was dying, I had to spend the summer eight hours drive away from him, though we had had been looking forward to living together near school that summer. He could have come with me, but he chose not to. I did not blame him for that; I didn’t want to pull him into the hell I was experiencing. But he also dragged his feet about even coming to visit me, which felt just terrible to me. The final straw was when he changed his mind at the last minute about a planned visit. I was awake til 3am waiting for him to arrive, only to find that he had never set out and wasn’t planning to come in future. We broke up. Two days later my mother died. I didn’t really have the energy at the time to think about whether there was another woman, though I had a feeling about it that I dismissed. I just thought to myself, this man has been neglecting me when my mother was dying, I can’t trust such a person as a life partner, so I broke up with him. For the same reason, I also refused to take him back six months later when he asked to resume our relationship when I was back at school. But I was still devastated at losing him, and often wondered if I had made the right decision.
            When he recently committed suicide, all my old feelings of deep love and loss came up, along with very painful regret and guilt–I wondered if I have taken him back when he asked, if he’d still be alive and my life would have been way better, with kids and all the other things we had planned? But, after the funeral, I met the other woman who I now believe had been involved in his decision to ghost me that summer! She had been living in the house that he and a large group of my college friends were sharing that summer, though I had never met her. My friends warned me before the funeral that she was a former girlfriend of his, but that didn’t seem like a big deal, as he and I had been apart for decades–I expected that there would be a number of his exes there, as well as his widow. But at a smaller post-funeral gathering of just my school friends, some of whom had also shared that group house, the former girlfriend made some airy comment about how he was never particularly “monogamous”, which seemed to be aimed in my direction, and which made the other friends shift uncomfortably. She also brought up how weird it was that his mother tried to keep them separated when she travelled in Europe with them. That made me wonder if they met during three months that he studied abroad, when his mother knew that he and I were still partners. I said that he had seemed very committed during our two years together, that we had planned to have children together, and that I was feeling guilt and regret about turning him down when he asked to get back together with me six months after our breakup. I wondered if, had I resumed our planned life together as he had asked me to, he might still be alive now. She asked exactly when he had asked to get back together with me, and I told her the year and month. She suddenly looked kind of sick and stopped talking and left soon after–I realized it must have happened when they were still together, after she thought she had ousted me from the picture. I guess she was only comfortable with his supposed “non-monogamous” nature when he was cheating WITH her, not cheating ON her.

      • Yep, I was pretty meh about him fucking someone else. Had he come to me honestly and asked about “opening up” the marriage, I likely would have been ok with trying it. He knew that. It was the entitlement, lying, triangulation, and devaluation of me that he really got off on. And that’s why a ran to a lawyer the minute I found out.

      • Yeah, it really changes how you think about infidelity when you realize that it’s not just the sex, but all of the lying, etc. I didn’t think of it as abuse before it happened to me.

    • Mutha, you hit the nail on the head there. The lying violates trust, whether or not sexual intimacy actually takes place. I can’t imagine continuing a marriage relationship without trust.

      As for whether cheaters can actually stop cheating – I do know someone who turned to Christ after being seduced to cheat by a narcissist. They were able to save and strengthen the marriage.

      I gave my ex a chance to reconcile. But when I discovered he was still lying, I couldn’t go on. The trust was gone. I can’t really blame the other women too much, as I discovered he was telling them he was already divorced. I guess it became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

      • The crazy thing was, my ex claimed he had been chumped by his first wife. So was this another lie? Was he projecting his own infidelity on to her? Or, was he just THAT much of an insensitive turd that he would turn around and inflict on me what he (and the children of his first marriage) had suffered before? Either way, it’s still unacceptable. I’ll never know the truth from a liar.

        • Klootzak claims his ex-fiancée cheated on him, too. I think they rewrite history. I would bet you dollars to donuts he was the cheater. These FWs are always the innocent parties. It’s part of the lies the like to sell.

        • Same. Now I wonder if there was more to the story. If it was true, I wonder -did it neutralize cheating for him? Does it have anything to do with the fact that he became a cheater? Is it just a coincidence – Maybe it has nothing to do with his character?
          All I know is that just because somebody was betrayed… It unfortunately doesn’t make them a safe honest partner. You would think they wouldn’t want to hurt somebody the way they were hurt… But doesn’t always work out that way.

          • I found out that The Python’s story about his ex-wife cheating on him was actually true (got confirmation from someone who knew the ex-wife). I remember saying something to him like “how could you do that to me, when you know how much it hurt you?”

            His answer, in true narc fashion, was that he was more angry at the other guy than hurt because his marriage had been going downhill for some time. I realize now that the narcissistic injury was just the competition with the other guy, his having been fooled by the sneaking around and successfully hiding of the affair from him for some time.

            They hate when someone one-ups them. Winning is everything.

            Hurt? Not him. He wasn’t any more bonded with his previous wife than he was with me. Narcissists aren’t capable of bonding.

    • Re: it is the mentality of the secret life.

      I agree, it’s the sneaking and deviousness of my ex’s behaviour that has been so disgusting. Such as sitting beside my 10 year old son whilst sending sextexts and hookup dates to escorts and then hiding his phone when I walked behind him doing housework. I found out about hundreds of 20 to 25 year old women he had contacted after he had passed out on yet another drunken night at 7pm no less (yeah a real winner) and I looked at what he had been doing on his phone night after night whilst I organised dinner, did the finances and bills, organised play dates, friends nights out, homework, housework, stressed out trying to work full time and do every fricken thing!
      Our 25 year marriage was over in those few minutes of realisation when it was revealed what a disgusting selfish lazy pig he is.
      He wanted a second chance with me and our son too. But it’s me who actually has the second chance, a chance to be rid of the poisonous and toxic mess that I was living with. A chance to be happy.
      I’m never going to look back and neither should Nics husband.

  • How many cheaters do actually change?

    My close friend who has helped me through my recent divorce was also chumped by his ex wife. He gave her a second chance and she went on to cheat again and again.

    My grandfather serial cheated for years and his wife stayed and shock horror, he kept cheating.

    My other relative who was chumped by his ex wife tried to stay for the kids and yep, she too went on to keep cheating and he divorced her.

    My mother was continually cheated on by my father until he finally left for the OW.

    My own ex wife lived with her former boyfriend for about 4 years and she cheated on him with multiple guys and then carried out serial adultery through out our marriage until I divorced her upon discovery last year.

    ChumpLady is packed with story after story after story of the cheaters never stopping their cheating. And BTW, if your husband really was the soul mate and the love of your life, you’d never have cheated on him.

    • Wow, Chumpy, that’s quite a legacy of cheating. That you have exercised the courage to extricate yourself from the generations of conditioning and dysfunction speaks highly of your character.

      • I never knew about most of it until my ex wife was caught cheating and my mother told me. My close friend had also never said about how he was chumped as he still feels embarrassed by it and it happened to him years ago. Cheating just seems far far to common in society yet many don’t talk about it.

  • “I want my husband back and I want the life I had with him back.” = I miss his paycheck and the fact that he did the dishes.

    • I was going to write this but traffic_spiral beat me to it.

      She wants the paycheck, the house, the kids and her “secondary narcissistic supply” back. Because what the marriage provides is not the primary supply: “The primary narcissistic supply…reaffirms the False Self and grandiose fantasies allowing for an inflated sense of self-worth through praise and attention. The secondary narcissistic supply is the appearance of a good life.”–from the ChoosingTherapy website. This is the clearest definition I’ve seen.

      A cheater screaming “I am not a narcissist [just as Asshole}” calls to mind Richard Nixon saying, “I am not a crook.”

      • I love what you’ve posted about primary and secondary narcissistic supply. When I read it I thought that all the pick-me dancing I did was merely an attempt, once I was devalued from primary source to secondary, to once again become the primary narcissistic supply.

        • I’m experiencing a moment of clarity here —
          Knave-man wants to remain married after years of what he termed dalliances. He appreciates my “rationality and honesty” compared to his others, and how his work syncs well with my calm and clarifying presence.
          This is total BS — he wants me again as his primary supplier of life/ego kibbles.

      • Thanks for sharing that excellent definition, LAJ. It helps to explain why many cheaters choose cake (staying in the marriage) over running away with their APs: it’s not just the fact of consequences – though of course consequences might factor in – but also that the appearance of a good life provides secondary supply. Unfortunately, secondary supply will just never be enough for the cheater, who will always seek out more primary supply, usually in the form of lovebombing that long-term spouses/co-parents are unable to provide. This resonates hugely with my own experience.

        I just read the entire ChoosingTherapy article, which is very illuminating – especially the section toward the end on what it feels like to be exploited for narcissistic supply. I appreciate the article’s noting that this narc exploitation can seem subtle, though I would add that narc wounds build over time (as the formerly primary supply is devalued), and so it’s usually just a matter of time before there is a more obvious event, like cheating or some other serious boundary violation.

      • I believe keeping up appearances, avoiding consequences, and leading a double life was the norm for cheaters for centuries. The marriage was for producing children, owning property, maintaining inherited wealth. The affair partner was for a naughty romp, doing things the wife/mother didn’t do, or was too busy with he children, upkeep of he house, and social obligations to do. No one talked about it. It was just a behavior. The mistress’s would come and go, but no status change

        Later, the concept of mid-life crisis, twu luv, and more social acceptance of divorce eroded the social structure. When the mistress was told he would never leave his wife, it was not because he loved his wife — he valued his social status and did not want consequences. Same thing for a wife with a wandering eye. There were not so many ways to avoid detection anymore, and women gained some rights under the law. Wives did not have to tolerate this behavior any more.

  • Mutha

    ‘The infidelity doesnt start in the genitals. It starts in the brain’

    This is it! Exactly!

    For me it it was not the physical part that bothered me the most. It was the deception, the lying. Being with another woman and coming home to me like nothing was going on.

    He was so fluid in his lies like he was ordering a coffee.

    The fact that he was on the lookout for my replacement while I thought we were in a committed relationship is what pisses me off. I’m planning for our future (fertility treatments) and he’s planning his exit strategy.

    How do they sleep at night?


    • “he fact that he was on the lookout for my replacement while I thought we were in a committed relationship is what pisses me off.

      Yep, same here; working full time, doing all the housework, his laundry, cooking for him, cleaning his toilet, working volunteer assignments he signed up for, but got so “busy” he couldn’t make it etc. All the while he was screwing the whore.

      Then to be told we grew apart.

      • Reminds me of one hideous incident when we were breaking up (think I knew he had someone else then, early days so not quite sure, yes pretty sure I did know but not the full extend of it yet). I was devastated and so upset and he hugged me so tightly but in a really weird way and just held me while I was upset and was kissing me and said these kisses are gratitude. Gratitude for everything that you’ve done for this family.

        Looking back now I wish I had got at him with an iron bar. Funny isn’t it, it’s all so confusing at the time but when you look back you can just see it for the pile of nonsense that it all is.

        • Yes Dodders it is funny that at the time your so. wrapped up into BS you’re confused. Trying to make sense of the nonsense.

          Looking back now and seeing everything for what it was, you know it would never make sense because it’s nonsense.

          It’s also funny now sometimes a memory will come back to me about something ex said that at the time, I questioned for a minute, then let it go. Now I’m no longer lost in my fog of confusion, I see it for what it was, obvious BS and wonder how I could have been so naive.

    • This is exactly is – Cheaters PLAN.
      The misconception is they got swept up in the moment. Tripped abs fell into bed with someone other than their spouse. BS
      Cheating takes boatloads of lies, deception and CRAFTING. So does the EXIT PLAN. It’s in the back of their minds the entire marriage as they look for new supply, fresh meat.

    • My therapist assured me that they sleep just fine. They’ve justified themselves so far that it doesn’t bother them. They

      Denial is a really bad place to live though.

      • Agree with Chumpadellic and Elsie, cheaters have 1 foot out the door ( mine said he realized a few months after we got married that he couldn’t commit ). Of course he stayed married to me and kept up the Mr. wonderful act until I found out about the OW and his plans to discard. And I agree with Elsie that they sleep just fine.
        Over the years, I’ve talked to people who have cheated… It’s all about them, a complete narcissistic attitude… They have 1 billion ways to justify their actions ( but they really don’t feel they need to justify anyway ).. and they get a lot of support from the world.

      • I can attest FW slept like a rock. SNORED like a LOCOMOTIVE each night. Kept Chumpadellic up with countless sleepless nights. As soon as his eyes shut, he was out. ZERO conscience for annihilating his family.

    • You’re answers today are so book worthy. Today’s answers are the best I’ve ever seen here. I am beyond grateful for your insight and gracious gifts of sharing

  • This cheater screams entitlement, no remorse, she just wants her old life back. She seems angry that she’s not getting her way. I’m sure her husband wishes his old life wasn’t ruined by her cheating, yet it was. There is no do over. She wants it and she wants it now, likely how the affair happened.

    • This Cheater sounds like a child having a temper tantrum.

      It’s not fair!!!

      I shouldn’t have to suffer consequences!!

      I said I was sorry, what more do you want from me??

      I want my old life back now!!!

      Stupid Chump….

  • Cannot wait for the for the LACGAL re-write collaborative with this fuckwit…..I have a title ready to go.

    “Depart Infidelity Person, Secure Happiness Immediately Tuesday”….

    We can shorten that up for the many future threads in this blog…… DIPSHIT

  • Wait 4 months ??

    You kept going back to the AP whispering sweet nothings and having sex all the while lying to and deceiving your husband .
    The sheer amount of lies you told with a straight face and without an ounce of consideration / empathy or respect for your husband and you say you are NOT a bad person just an asshole .

    I hope since this is a rerun you are still lonely and crying over your hopefully Ex husband . I hope his life is and I’m sure it is SO much better without a lying cheating NARC in his life

    • So true! It took 4 months for her to “feel” remorseful (doubt she actually did). It took my ex four years before he said he looked in the mirror and felt bad. 4 years, before he looked at his wedding ring and felt bad for wearing it the entire time he was having sex with other women. They’re all the same and they lie like experts. When they feel the consequence of divorce, they act like they didn’t expect it to happen. Cheaters are all the same. Narcissistic a-holes who only want for themselves.

      • Husband found out, cheater skank wife informed boyfriend and then boyfriend dumped cheater skank wife, which is why she refers to him as a prick. Now cheater skank wife wants her true blue chump back…I hope husband walked away for good.

  • “The infidelity person should be given a second chance to prove that they can have the life they had before they caused and made a big mess.” She had a second chance after she made the decision to sleep with another man, and that decision was BEFORE she actually slept with him. She had plenty of chances to prove herself for the next four months, and she did: She continued to cheat on, lie to and deceive her husband. Now that she’s caught, she wants to have the life, home and husband–and unquestioning adoration– she had before the affair. She wants her affair cake guilt-free with no complaints from the chump; life should just go back to how it was for HER before she cheated and got caught. Chumps can never go back from knowing the person they loved is the same person who harmed them. She says nothing about how she hurt him or about making amends. She says nothing about getting help for her own short-sighted, stupid and selfish behavior. Instead, she lashes out at Chump Lady, perhaps because her husband went here, got the book or cited Tracy. She also lashes out at the affair partner: “I had a 4-month affair, it was shit and I don’t know what made me keep going back there to this prick of a guy.” So what was her justification for the affair? Everything she did and says conforms to the selfish, greedy, asshole narcissistic labels she denies. Nothing here to show remorse. I hope the chump stayed strong.

    • Yep. When my STBX tried to say she’d made “a mistake,” I said a mistake is something you do one time, and then immediately regret and make amends for. STBX had two separate “hot” affairs, in 2004 and 2018, so she’d already had her second chance and blown it. And then, after she slept with a stranger from a bar one night in 2018, she could have walked away and told me the truth. Instead, she doubled down, then tripled down, etc., spending hours a day sexting and making plans for future meetups, all through that summer. That’s not “a mistake.” And, as you rightly point out, that’s multiple chances to do the right thing.

      I’m going to comment below on the passive language, this idea that cheaters somehow have no choice when it comes to their affairs. (That’s part of why they think of the affair as a “mistake,” rather than a deliberate choice.) A clear sign of disorder.

  • “I’m just the Asshole that that became greedy not a “narcissist” as you keep labelling people.”

    I hear this: “I’m just a person who killed someone (and the English language). I’m not a MURDERER.”

    Pesky labels.

  • Not one word about how much she hurt her husband and how sorry and horrified she is about that, and what she has done to change from a greedy asshole to an ethical human being.

    Her husband may have been the love of her life. But for the morally deficient, that doesn’t mean don’t cheat.

    I hope her husband is in a loving relationship with an ethical woman who loves him back.

    This one bothers me greatly. Maybe becaue it shows that they never learn and never blame themselves for their betrayals and lies.

    • Yep, it’s all; “poor poor me and you people suck!” Nothing about her husband’s pain, nor did she even say she was sorry to have done it. What a piece of work. She comes onto a support board for chumps with this despicable, entitled rant. That’s how little she cares about chump pain. She has no problem triggering memories of our own cheaters whining and throwing tantrums.

      She’d have cheated again, guaranteed.

  • Thanks Tracy. Nice to be reminded what really goes on inside the cheater’s head.
    My estranged husband said he didn’t want a divorce. Next statement was more accurate “I don’t want to lose 1/2 of everything for a piece of a$$.”
    I bet. Too bad.

    • My ex wife said the same thing, “I don’t want a divorce.” Which I replied “Well stop fucking fuckface.” And she says, “I can’t do that.” Of course then she drug out the divorce for 28 months and both her and her AP were fired from their 6 figure jobs and now only work part time to avoid child support and maintenance.

  • I see a Zoltar machine in my imagination. Zoltar’s eyes are twirling and smoke is coming out of his ears. He can’t handle the stunning lack of insight, the tone-deafness, the abject lack of responsibility, the rock hard Teflon coating on this person’s receptacle where a conscience would be, deflecting truth like Wonder Woman’s matching cuff bracelets deflect bullets from an automatic weapon.

    The only thing Zoltar can do is spit out a little card that has an old saying printed on it.

    “With wives like this, who needs enemies?”

    I think it’s best to partner with people whose definitions of “love” are similar.

    Yesterday’s letter rendered me speechless. I am still recovering.

  • Mine took off and hinted at cheating multiple times during separation. I knew that he was doting on needy waitresses. He gave them Valentine’s flowers and didn’t give me anything even though we were still married and hadn’t yet gotten the lawyers involved. I was so accommodating at the time that I forgave him although a friend later talked to me very strongly and called that “a major blow showing how little he thinks of you.” At the time we were preparing to sell the family house, and I knew that divorce was inevitable.

    But still, he wanted me to forgive and forget everything before his abandonment and all the separation games and act like nothing happened (there was a lot). We’d just start over in a new place and all would be well. His family said so. Love conquers all, you know. Thankfully I had to presence of mind to refuse what I called “flip-a-switch” reconciliation.

    After a year of separation, I knew almost nothing of how he spent his time. Relocating to a new place where I knew no one but him made me very uneasy. It was all magical thinking, indeed. I wonder to this day if he really at his core wanted to reconcile, or if it was a show for his family. His actions after he left were far from loving 90% of the time, as was the later divorce.

    So we divorced. The “quick and easy” became a big, ugly mess. He tried to control the attorneys and get every possible pound of flesh out of me. That spoke volumes. During the process, I was just trying to survive, but I now know that it was a classic high conflict divorce even though we settled out of court because of the two attorneys. His basically kicked my ex to the curb to get it settled.

    After all that, I knew without a doubt that reconciling would have been a huge mistake. Now he can do whatever ex-husbands do. My life is truly about the same but better. I have old and new friends, and old and new activities. Life is good.

  • I love how she began with her own label “infidelity person”… because to me that implies she is fully aware that “fidelity people” exist… she just isn’t one.

    We chumps aren’t typically judgmental by nature… we’re loving, forgiving, give-it-another-chance, fidelity people… ergo chumps.

    It’s ok, Nic… we’re not asking you to become a fidelity person, we know you lack the ability to live without your entitlement fantasies that caused you to fuck around in the first place. You’re an infidelity person – so go take your lying, gaslighting, manipulating little self over to where your people are – you’re welcome there… here, not so much.

  • What writer said: See above.

    What I heard: Me me me me me me!!!! But I WANT it, Daddy! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

    Toddlers have the ability to learn that you can’t fix everything they break and they can’t leave a toy sitting around just anywhere and know that it will still be right where they left it in the same condition as before when they want to play with it again.

    Drop Tigger in the Safeway and you probably won’t ever see Tigger again.

    Drop Pooh in a puddle and Pooh may end up run over by a car and torn up. A wash and a repair may result in you keeping Pooh but with lasting damage. Never the same Pooh again.

    That’s how it goes. So, if you really care about Piglet, you’d best treat Piglet like Piglet matters to you.

    A three year old child can grasp this.

    Nobody is owed your time or energy. Nobody is required to extend more chances. Sometimes what is broken is broken and what is gone is gone.

    So, Infidelity Person, if you care about keeping your nice partner, you’d best treat the next one like they matter. That’s the lesson.

    • I heard the same thing, like a spoiled child. Funny how I remember my stbx acting the same way over things he wanted. I never thought about how that translates to affairs and cheating, but my oh my how clear that path is. The other funny thing was how he liked to call me spoiled and entitled. I felt more like his suburban housewife (whether or not I worked outside the home or not) slave.

      • So true!

        In even little acts, we can see behavior that indicates a cheating mindset. Little preludes.

        In the case of my ex, it was chocolate chip cookies. He liked more chips than the recipe called for (greedy?); the rest of us preferred fewer. In a democracy, the majority should have won, but NO. And what should have been a playful difference in tastes turned into something serious for him.

        “BUT I WANT IT MY WAY! Waaaaa!”

        He didn’t actually scream this. Oh no. The high-IQ, low-EQ covert narc would drop a complaint like a little, targeted grenade and then stomp away. This chump would segregate parts of the batter for him, adding extra chips–anything to avoid his tantrums. He was like a toddler without the cuteness.

        I want to point out here that accommodating another’s taste is a loving act. But when only one partner does the accommodating, there’s a problem (understatement). #codependent #keepingthepeace

        Plus, the fact that the FW ruined something joyful like cooking chocolate chip cookies with my daughter fries my ass. As I write this, I’m getting angry because I’m remembering so many other instances of his entitled behavior and how he tried to piss on the fun times. What a jerk!

        I TRUST THAT HE SUCKS! And, surely his suckitude must be on full, peacock-like display for the OW. No doubt she sucks, too.

        May they gag on too many chocolate chips. Greedy FWs (I mean, infidelity people)! #


        • I hope he finds himself with a woman who never bakes chocolate chip cookies for him at all. Or bakes him oatmeal raisin instead and doesn’t tell him until he bites into it, muwahaha.

          When your wants and desires are like that of a small child, so is your comfort zone. John Milton once said, “The mind is its own place and in itself can make a heaven of hell or a hell of heaven.” It takes so little for the narcissistic mind to see a perfectly decent marriage as Hell incarnate.

  • They are such arseholes. I remember ex fucktard saying to me indignantly(when he came over to collect all his shit I’d bagged), “so, you’re just going to throw 24 years down the drain!”

    No, fuckwit, *you* threw 24 years down the drain when you fucked your rat faced whore.

    • Cheater reasoning: “Let’s not get caught up in little details like who took a dump on the marriage and then flushed it. In fact, let’s just say *you* flushed it. There. Oh, and the sun rises in the west now, too.”

      They believe whatever shit they want to believe.

      It’s infuriating. Truly infuriating.

    • Yes their brains are wired so different.

      My ex wife came out with this beauty of a comment in messages to me recently “you’re the one who left us”. Let’s completely gloss over her cheating with dozens, continued to cheat even when caught, told social services I beat her and had me arrested and then removed from the home by social services but sure I must be the one at fault. ????‍♀️

  • Sure, everyone deserves a second chance. Even ‘infidelity people.’

    You had your second chance the instant you realized you were attracted to the ‘prick.’
    You had your third chance when you could have chosen not to act on that attraction.
    You had your fourth through thousandth chances every decision-making moment you chose to continue your affair.

    Thousands of chances is quite generous. Didn’t realize you’d already been given all those chances? That’s why your marriage is over.

    • Right?! Every day for 4 months this psycho had a new chance to do better. This idea that CL propagates that cheating is not just ONE bad choice but a series of hundreds or thousands of bad choices made over time is revolutionary. It blows peoples minds when I say it because we’ve all been spoon fed this tired narrative that cheating is just one unfortunate mistake. Bullshit

      • YESSS!!!! A thousand times yes!!!! Thanks NotANiceChump and HopefulCynic!!!!

        It wasn’t ONE mistake. There were a series of decisions that lead to a relationship-destroying betrayal. In my case, the cheating went on for nearly 3 years (if he can be believed; and he can’t). Every hotel stay. Every romp in our bed. Every sex act on the sofa. Every fucking tattoo. Every lie. DECISIONS!!!

        As CL puts it (paraphrase), they didn’t just trip and fall into each other’s genitals. (from LAC;GAL). THEY CHOSE IT.

        Fuck that. I’m so angry right now. And what really stirs me up is that my ex blames me for my inability to forgive his ONE LIE!!!! GRRRRrrrrrrrr

        • Three years of daily choices is not “one lie.” He waged a long war of betrayal and deceit and abuse against you. Every. Single. Day. But as you know, convincing your ex of this is futile and not worth your time or energy. However, at least you can feel validated in your understanding of what he actually is and what actually happened.

        • I have often said that my cheater didn’t simply choose it, he INSISTED upon it. Anyone who would dare question him was obviously defective and just being vindictive with their consequences. He had a RIGHT to be happy.

          He launched himself to the Island of Fuckwits and burned the boat, making sure I understood that it was my fault and how he simply had to escape my clutches and live his One. True. Life.

          Therefore he will never be allowed near me and I will never smooth the way for him with his adult kids. Nope, no, nopety-no. These asshats think they have the right to do whatever they want at any time they choose, changing their minds and expecting us to toe their ever-moving line.

          He insisted that he had a right to go far away from me and our daughters and I am going to hold him to it.

  • So here’s the recipe for getting your life back.
    1) unfuck the AP
    2) take away your husband’s thoughts of worthlessness
    3) take away the mind movies your husband will have for the rest of his life
    4) take away his feelings of inadequacy
    5) take away the sleepless nights and the associated nightmares
    6) remove all the triggers from his psyche
    7) convince him that you didn’t keep going back because you wanted someone else who was not him
    8) have him believe that every sex act you denied him during your marriage wasn’t given to the AP
    9) Try to convince him that he was a better lover
    10) repair his innocent broken heart
    I can go on but I’m sure you might have heard some of these before. Your main problem though is your selfish entitlement, you need to get over yourself….this is big girl/big stuff we’re playing here. It’s not some kiddie youth sport where we don’t keep score and everyone gets a trophy. You need to get over yourself and get that stick out of your ass

    • Excellent!

      I especially appreciate the references to “mind movies” and “triggers.” That shit lasts and lasts and lasts. Season after season. No end in sight. I’m trapped in a crappy seat in a movie theater watching a movie I hate. No end in sight. I’m grateful for the occasional intermissions.

      • Thank you Spinach…..its been over 30 years and the triggers and mental cinema continue. Some say its pain shopping well I have a lifetime membership to that shopping club

      • Even the intermissions can be triggers. If I feel a lightness or sense of anticipation, I connect it immediately with the good days of my marriage. Must be some sort of hard wired response after 30 years, in spite of divorce and a year of no contact.

    • Right on NY Nutbag!
      No kiddie sport indeed. This is adulthood where fibs and lies make people have serious mistrust for you. GROW UP NIC!

    • Part of the mind movies are the images of them commiserating endlessly about how awful the Chump is, used as foreplay and pillow talk, convincing themselves that they have a right to do such evil to their families. This damage can’t be undone.

      • So true. The things said behind our backs, the embellishments of our faults, our perceived lack of love making skills, our personal traumas and vulnerabilities, things about our childhoods that we shared in Ernest to our supposed life partners that were used as fodder for ridicule . All that they laughed about at our expense….oh dear now I’ve opened up a trigger box. Sorry gotta go

        • I am sorry I added to our pain. Seems like poking the tender spots would eventually produce a numbness but I have found it never does.

          A friend just today said the old line, “Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?” But it misses the point. I don’t want to be with who he IS, I want to be with who he PRETENDED TO BE. He stole the life I thought I had with his lies, and I can’t just write it off as an “oh well, he doesn’t want to be with me and good thing I don’t have to deal with that.” He gutted me. He stole my life away because he future-faked me up until the very moment before he abandoned me, lying his way out the door and then blaming me and telling me I deserved his abuse. I am PTSD’d over it, still. Who can I ever trust now when he did this horrible thing? What do decent people even look like? I am working on it.


        • Exactly New York Nutbag,

          I’ve been told ex enjoys entertaining people at parties ridiculing me. From what h I’ve heard he’s just so funny. They all know he cheated, lied and is on a relentless pursuit to destroy me. Evidently they share the same values.

          Personally I don’t consider laughing at someone’s pain and
          life being turned upside down humor it’s called bullying.

    • Reminds me of the folk tale about the man who spread rumors about his enemy. The wise man of the village told him to cut open a pillow and scatter the feathers to the wind as penance. “Am I forgiven yet?” asked the man. “Not until you have gathered every single feather” said the wise man. “But that’s impossible” protested the slanderer, “The wind has already scattered them.” “Precisely” replied the wise man, “And though you may truly wish to correct the evil you have done, it is as impossible to repair the damage done by your words as it is to recover the feathers. Your words are out there in the marketplace, spreading hate, even as we speak.”

      Nothing a cheater can say or do can restore the chump’s trust in him/her the way it was before D-Day. I can never unsee the OW’s texts to my husband asking him to do sexual things he never did for me. Better to remember the vase as it was than to waste time and glue putting 1000 pieces back together. Particularly since we were not the ones who broke the vase in the first place.

      As the saying goes, “Trust takes years to build, seconds to destroy, and a lifetime to repair”. Cheaters do not have the patience or the stomach to devote a lifetime towards improving their golf game, let alone investing in one person and earning that person’s trust.

  • No one hates consequences more than a cheating lying asswipe.

    How dare my partner not take ME back !!! I’m ME, I am special. I am above the rules, and my ex is a prick for not taking me back no questions asked!. Chumps should not have a choice! How DARE they!

    Hell really is other people

  • Bwa ha hahaha. The only honesty I see is her description of her partner-in-cheat as “prick”. It’s most likely how she sees, and values him. She probably has him in her phone as –prick, some (undoubted) other one as –cock, and the husband as –rent & groceries, no doubt.

  • Nic = Narc
    Offended by the comparison on CN? Well now.. perhaps you should read your own whoah’s me letter to yourself with google definition of Covert Narcissist. Some of the coincidental traits you share are as follows NicNarc:
    Lack of Empathy
    Lack of remorse
    Power and control
    Treating others as appliances
    Gas lighting
    Seeing things only through your own lens
    You clearly have all the tools in the Narc Toolshed.
    From the sounds of it your husband did not welcome you back with open arms after you ran around with open legs. Good on him!

  • Second chances for the inadvertent and accidental are fine.

    Second chances are given to those who inflict intentional harm at the victim’s great peril. What part of your wedding vows did you not understand? “Forsaking all others” is pretty clear. Oh, but the rules don’t apply to cheaters? There is a lot of intentional infliction of emotional distress that goes with cheating. That’s ALL it is.

    If you want to fuck around, don’t get married. Don’t make agreements you can’t keep. Don’t offer things and take them back. Don’t make commitments unless you intend to follow through. Don’t do things that hurt people. Don’t take things that don’t belong to you. Very simple things, many of which I taught my daughter when she was a TODDLER.

  • Sorry if I’m repeating anything somebody has already said. This came up in our discussion above about “mistakes” and second chances. I just have to comment on the following passive language:

    “I don’t know what made me keep going back there to this prick of a guy I was cheating on my husband with.”

    What MADE her??? Nothing MADE her do anything. If I had a dime for every time a cheater wants to act like it wasn’t a CHOICE…

    And I’m sure some cheaters do own their choices (though that might be more true of sociopaths and full-blown malignant narcissists). My cheater, on the other hand, seemed constantly buffeted by the winds of Fate. “Oh, woe is me! What are these strange forces at work, causing me to fall into bed with at least two other people over the course of my marriage, and to have inappropriately intense friendships with people I’m attracted to? I am helpless! Save me!” The very definition of a sad sausage. She was almost constantly on the self-pity channel, with only occasional glimpses of charm and rage.

    Meanwhile, chumps should see through the drama and recognize that emotionally healthy adults own their choices. Many times, we have to choose from crappy options, or under certain forms of constraint, or under the influence of grief and trauma. But we still bear responsibility for what we choose to do under those conditions.

    At least my STBX had the excuse that she had been traumatized by her mother’s death before affair #2. I saw the trauma with my own eyes, though it doesn’t excuse how STBX abused me in its aftermath. (Funny thing, I’ve been traumatized too, and haven’t betrayed/abused anyone, to my knowledge.) But Infidelity Person OP doesn’t even have that excuse. Just a greedy asshole who has zero insight into her own choices. Imagine what will happen with a spouse like that when life gets truly rough?

    • LC,

      You haven’t abused anyone after your trauma because you are a decent human being.
      Their excuses are pathetic.

      My spouse started his lies and gaslight a few months after I was diagnosed with cancer. I was very young and healthy, and it came out of a blue. I believed that I could handle it with enough support, but I got no emotional support from him, just the opposite. Just imagine how scared and confused I was. I was all alone while he was having fun with a commonplace ap.
      I am fully recovered now but I cannot wrap my head around how cruel he was. Before that, I was sure that he was the best man in the world. I was so naive.

      He told me he probably couldn’t handle the diagnosis, and it must have played an important role in his behavior. So he was traumatised by my diagnosis. It is pathetic that he had the nerve to say this to me.

      Don’t even think about her ridiculous excuses. These people are incredibly selfish.

      • NotFromVenus,
        Greetings from one survivor to another! I was also diagnosed young – and my STBX was there through the whole thing. We got married a couple of years later. To be honest, I might not have stayed with STBX if it hadn’t been for the bonding experience of the cancer. But, you see, the relationship was very new when I was diagnosed, so she was still getting lots of kibbles from me. And from all the friends/family who kept checking in with her, offering support, etc.

        The real test of our relationship didn’t come until a few years later, when my constant fatigue wasn’t going away, and we had kids and tough adult decisions to make. Because I wasn’t in active treatment then, and there was no clear medical answer to my problems, STBX didn’t get all the kibbles from being my caregiver, and the relationship wasn’t new anymore.

        Just to clarify, I’m not letting my STBX off the hook for her affairs. I do think she’s not a garbage human being all around, though she is disordered and very confused, and I saw very clearly how she couldn’t cope like a healthy adult with the trauma of her mom’s death. Unlike some cheaters, my STBX really doesn’t want to hurt others and cares about bettering herself, though I will not sit around waiting for her to treat me with respect. She’s (unintentionally) devalued me for so long that she literally can’t hear any truth in what I’m saying. I Trust That She Sucks for me! I’m just saying, OP Infidelity Person Nic doesn’t even have the excuse of trauma to fall back on. She sounds like a really garbage, entitled person through and through.

        • Dear LezChump,
          I understand it so well that your STBX is not entirely bad. I struggled with this myself. My spouse is a hard-working, good-mannered, and a kind person. But it confused me so much that he was just like a stone to my pain, he didn’t care. I can never comprehend this level of disconnection. Whereas, he cannot kill any bugs, spiders etc. that walk into our house, he puts them out gently. Aww the poor thing, he says. His gentle treatment to a little spider but not to me is mind- blowing. I also see that he is quite depressed since I have known him for years. But not depressed enough to change things. I can’t wait around for that either.
          You said she is unintentionally devalued you for so long. I experienced the same and I have done nothing for such a treatment.
          You are absolutely right about their need for kibbles. They have to be in the center. If not, their excuses are limitless: Our full time job, health, kids, families, anything anything can be a reason. Mine even accused me of not liking skiing 😀

          • Yep. It’s all about the kibbles for my STBX too, and if she felt bad (which she always would have because she’s disordered), it must have been my fault, because I was there all the time, right? /s Cue the world’s teensiest violin.

            I hear you, though – from our perspective as chumps an LS survivors, it feels like we’re in the Twilight Zone when we see our cheaters being nice to everyone else but us – especially when we have genuine medical needs, etc. I forgot to say before that I hope you are doing well, health-wise. I still have some long-term impacts from my treatments (I celebrated 25 years since my stem-cell transplant in January!), but honestly, I probably have even more health impacts from having been married to a fuckwit for 23 years. All best to you.

              • Thank you so much for asking, health-wise I am doing much better, despite everything. 25 years, wonderful news, congratulations! I hope the long term impacts are manageable. It is very true that we had more damage done by their selfishness. We are strong despite their terrible treatment to us. We will do great!

  • Dear Nic – waiting until you are cheated on and then you can decide whether this blog is crap. There are consequences in life – you just ate yours.

  • Hello Nic,

    I get it that you don’t think what you did was terrible. I read once that people who are on death row, for serious crimes against humanity, don’t think of themselves as bad people.

    And I believe that people are neither good NOR bad, intrinsically, and I’m not one to classify people, you know? I don’t prefer to call people names.

    But it does something to your heart when the person you’ve committed yourself to merges with another person. You’re left out of the experience that they’re sharing together. And sex is at the top of the list of intimate experiences. Your HUSBAND or WIFE is having a moment of oneness with someone else, without you, when they promised they would never do that. It’s done in secret. You don’t find out about it until later. Then you have to go back in time and figure out what was the truth, and rewrite your history. And you can’t erase the images of their alone time together from your mind. And you wonder about the little things, the lingerie, the room itself, the positions, the laughter, the chats, the softness, the intimate looks, the this, the that… it’s something you can’t help but think about. And you realize you haven’t experienced those things in your own life for a long time. And it all becomes clear to you why…

    It stops your world.

    For you to say that you want your life back, the way you had it, before you cheated on your husband, is unrealistic, don’t you think? A person might want their life back before they walked onto a busy highway and got smashed by a car, but that wouldn’t be realistic, would it? If they told the doctor, “I just want to go back to the way it used to be,” what do you think the doctor would say? What you did was self destructive and it also destroyed your relationship with your husband.

    You don’t have anything left. What you did stopped time and totally severed the relationship. There’s no going back to the way it was.

    My hope is that you remember the pain of wanting what you had, so you can make a very deep change and then never do anything like that to yourself or to another person again!

    I believe in redemption. And though your relationship can’t be saved, possibly you can make the necessary changes to have a different kind of life. You must start with taking responsibility for the decision you made, seeing the harm it caused to others and by making amends, wherever you can.

    Writing a letter to Chump Lady, saying that you love your husband with all of your heart just sounds hollow to those of us who have experienced the life-stopping, gut-wrenching pain of finding out that our loved ones cheated on us. And for you to say that the experience was “shit” makes it even worse.

    Take some time. Take yourself out of it. Look at it objectively. Think about what your husband might have gone through when he found out. Talk to others who have experienced cheating first hand. Find out what it did to them. Try to understand cause and effect.

    You can make changes and you can have a good life. One of the things that will happen first, when you start to make changes, is that you’ll notice that you have a sincere remorse for what you did. (Not for what you lost, but for the pain that you inflicted on others.) When you feel that, you’ll have made a good first step!

    Consider a 12 step program…

    Good luck to you.

    I mean it.

    But please, no more demanding your life back. You killed your life. Now… will you be able to recover? Will you be able to have a good life, all by yourself? Will you ever be able to find another person who loves you, is faithful to you, and that you can be faithful to?

    It’s up to you.

  • Que audio clip (Vin Diesel as Nic’s husband)

    Richard B. Riddick: “Did not know who (s)he was fucking with”.

    The “infidelity person” caught my attention right off the bat. Adulterer is the word Nic couldn’t use. Minimize much? After reading through this Tracy’s words rang in my cranium… “You don’t fuck me like AP does”. Today, ….Oh well, MEH! The reason why Nic kept going back for more.

    Hey Nic! You coulda put something exciting between your legs like Tyra did- namely a Harley. (Tyra, No offense if you’re reading this. You’re still my mascot BADASS!!)

    I was fully expecting Nic to follow up with the “BUT Jesus forgave the whore”narrative but realized that even GOD grants chumps a freedom pass for adultery when the covenant of matrimony is destroyed.

    So Fuck You Very Much Nic. It’s a beautiful day and I’ve got riding mowers to work on in the sunshine!!

    • Hey my ex routinely would bring up the Jesus and ho story but would always, ALWAYS fail to mention the very next line Jesus said, “Go and sin no more.”

      She constantly tries to blame me for everything while giving herself a pass for cheating. “I was in pain” “I was ignored (lies)” brings up some Christian chumps who are gluttons for punishment “—-‘s spouse cheated but they realized they weren’t meeting their spouse’s needs and caused them to cheat.” Shut up.

  • 4 month affair = 10 month affair. Plus the other three.
    It was shit= Because he wouldn’t leave his wife.
    With all my heart= Just not with all my vagina. I still keep a spare bit for Prick’s prick just in case.
    Second chance= Enough time to find a guy with money.
    This blog is absolute crap= My husband read it and dumped my slutty ass.
    Asshole, not a narcissist= narcissist
    The life we had= The money I’ll lose.

    Piss off, Nic. Go find another prick and leave your husband alone.

  • Nic deserves her own song

    Sung to the tune of Luka by Suzanne Vega;

    My name is Nic
    I live on the second floor
    My boyfriend’s name is Prick
    You can see I’m one angry whore

    If you should see me with some guy
    A sweaty face and bleary eyes
    Just don’t ask me to explain
    Just don’t ask me to explain
    Just sit there while I complain

    I think I’m as asshole
    But no, I’m not a narc
    So shut your pie-hole
    About stuff I do in the dark

    They always dump you when you say
    “Leave your bitchass wife today!”
    I just don’t feel things anymore
    I just can’t feel things anymore
    But pity for myself of course

    I think I’m kinda sad
    He walked out the door today
    He took our golden lab
    And his fucking 401k

    I guess I’m feeling all alone
    With no sweet chump to call my own
    I just don’t know why I am one
    No I don’t why I’ve become
    This infidelity person

    My name is Nic
    I live on the second floor
    I lost my Chump and my Prick
    Yes I think you’ve heard this before

    If you hear something, be discreet
    It’s just me sobbing drunkenly
    Just don’t ask me what it was
    Just don’t ask me what it was
    Just don’t ask me what it was

    They always leave you when you whine
    “It must be your fault ’cause it’s not mine!”
    They just don’t bother anymore
    They just don’t bother anymore
    Why won’t he bother anymore?

  • I’m struck by how easy people think forgiveness should be. Just say it and it is.

    The reality is that many of us were already struggling mightily in the relationship before the big blowup. So flipping a switch and acting like all is well is grossly unrealistic.

    • Elsie,
      Ahh, forgiveness! I agree. When you’ve been abused (and infidelity IS abuse) forgiveness is a very individual choice. I don’t think I’ll ever truly forgive.

      My MIL (with whom I have gone NC) recently wrote to me that she is “still praying for healing and forgiveness.” I didn’t respond.

      Translation: “Stop being a vindictive bitch, end this NC bullshit, and forgive my son. Your inability to forgive is worse than his cheating. You are a godless woman. I pray for you. I am a god-fearing woman and, therefore, superior.”

      • A year and a half after I filed for divorce from my cheating wife whose parents knew all about the cheating and the continued relationship with the AP after me filing, dropped me once my new relationship got serious. They acted like I was equally as in the wrong. Like it’s my fault my ex wife has dragged out the divorce.

        It’s apparently okay to cheat on your husband with multiple men. “She’s messed up” “If she repents(and I’m praying) God can help restore this marriage.” But me moving on with my life is not okay and “sinful.” I realized earlier they didn’t give a shit about my well being. They only cared about someone else taking her off their hands because if I’m not the sucker, then their daughter will likely use them for money and what not.

    • so true, Elsie! I was definitely struggling, forgave him 12 years ago for a craigslist posting…surely it’s a fluke, a one time thing…nope, not even close! AFF account, serial cheating, massage therapists, male prostitutes, double life.. I cannot even wrap my head around it.

  • ” I believe that the infidelity person should be given a second chance…”

    And I believe that the “fidelity person” should be given the chance to make an informed decision whether a relationship with a known cheater is acceptable to him/her or not. Forgiveness is a privilege, not a right, one that most cheaters abuse when it is granted to them.

    “I don’t know what made me keep going back there”

    Unless the OM raped you at gunpoint YOU made you go back there. Owning your own decisions is the first step in obtaining the forgiveness you claim to want so badly.

    “I’m just the Asshole that that became greedy not a “narcissist” as you keep labelling people.”

    Does this illiterate woman-child not realize that that is the definition of “narcissist”? Arguing over whether you’re a narcissist or just a “greedy asshole” is the ultimate tomato vs. tomahto debate.

    ” I want my husband back and I want the life I had with him back.”

    Oh, I don’t doubt that. But marriage requires mutual consent, so you also have to take into account whether he wants to stay married to you or not after he found out about your affair. I know this may take some time for someone with your mindset to grasp but try asking yourself what *he* wants instead of just stating your own desires like a spoiled toddler or teenager asking for a new Xbox.

  • At least this letter proves that these cheaters are narcissistic and one dimensional…easy peasy.

    It ain’t rocket surgery ????????????.

  • I had such a sad day today, pondering this person wanting to get back together with her husband, having made a mistake (over and over again,) and then regretting it. Sad for her. Sad for him.

    Sad for me.

    My day was spent missing my ex. I don’t think he cheated on me; we just weren’t a match. And we decided not to marry. He went his way and I went mine. But I miss him. Almost everything I see in my day to day reminds me of him, which means I’ve travelled down the same thoughts so many times before, and he was always part of my life when I had those thoughts … so every time I see something familiar, it makes me travel down those same thoughts, and there he is… in front of me…

    It’s only been about a month, so I’m not used to having separated all of my thoughts from his existence. He still is very much alive in me.

    There’s nothing to do. I mean, I could call and apologize for hanging up on him, but he was yelling at me and using my first name at the beginning of every sentence, and that was making me feel upset. And I’m always so cool and calm and collected, and he was was saying things that he knew might be triggering…

    But this was not what I was remembering today. I was remembering the good times. The times when our lives blended into each others… the times when he’d call just as I was thinking about him… the times when he’d dip his head suddenly and go straight for a kiss… oh how I loved it when he did that…

    My heart… oh when will it catch up to my head? If ever?

    This is what people write poems about.

    And I’d write one, but it’s late…

    Tomorrow will be a better day.


  • No going back. Friend of mine took his cheater back – lasted a few years, but he divorced her eventually. At the time, I was surprised. I thought they’d worked it out.
    But then my husband cheated on me- and suddenly I got it. There is NO going back. From Dday to divorce was about 18 months.

    Absolute hell on earth.

    • Which part of This Woman’s post should the husband jump in & say, “Surprise, b****! Not my problem[!!]”?

  • Which part of this woman’s post could the husband jump in & say, “Surprise, b****! Not my problem[!!]”?

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