The other week someone asked me to decode, “I haven’t been happy for a long time.” (Also sometimes expressed as “WE haven’t been happy for a long time.”) It’s trotted out when the chump is looking for an explanation as to why their family life just blew up. Well DUH. “I haven’t been happy for […]
Beware the Timid Forest Creatures
After you’ve been cheated on, you’d think it’s a pretty simple decision tree — reconcile or divorce. Choose divorce, it doesn’t matter if your cheater is sorry or not sorry, the infidelity is a deal breaker. If you choose reconciliation, however, the matter of How Sorry Are They comes to the forefront of the decision. […]
“Do Cheaters All Work from the Same Script?”
Dear Chump Lady, After faithfully reading this blog and thinking about all that we have been through I still have questions. 1. How did all of these cheaters from all over the world basically learn the same script? I read everyone’s posts and I keep hearing the same dialogue that I had with my ex. […]
Join the International Academy for the Advancement of Chump Studies
This one goes out to the pseudo-therapist-sexologist quacks everywhere and the diploma mills who love them. I’m rerunning my piece on Chump Credentials. Join IAACS now! It’s about time I fluffed up my resumé. I mean, what’s keeping me from a TED talk and international corporate stardom? Goddamn it, I need an Institute! There, let me […]
UBT: ‘Our Marriage Was Already Over’
Here’s some one-size-fits-all cheater bullshit for you — “Our marriage was already over.” Cheaters say it to affair partners, “We’re all but divorced!” “We’re separated!” “Just roommates!” And cheaters say it to their spouses when they’re discovered cheating. Our marriage was already over. Well, yes, yes it was when you fucked that other person. But […]
Why blame the chump?
Dear Chump Lady, Why are these so called experts so rabid about blaming chumps for their part in creating a situation where they got betrayed? Can’t they just admit that cheaters are sick fucks? Ugh. I loved my ex-husband and he knew it. I did the whole forgiveness thing and he acted remorseful and ultra […]
Nice vs. Kind
There was an interesting side discussion the other day on Chump Lady about the difference between niceness and kindness. Many people noted that their cheaters appeared to much of the world as “nice people,” but in point of fact, lacked kindness. (Sure, it’s an understatement to say that cheating is unkind.) Now, I don’t want […]
Cheater Exceptionalism
“Marn” submitted this delicious nugget of Stupid Shit Cheaters Say: “I live outside the boxes that others live in. I’m not like other people. I am not limited that way. I am not defined by society’s rules.” Raise your hand if you had a Maverick Cheater, unlimited by the constraints of society. Esther Perel has […]
Recidivism?
I usually bridle at the reductionist criticism “once a cheater, always a cheater.” We’re not the final word on anyone’s character. While I don’t believe in sudden character transplants, I do think character can change over time — slowly, painfully, with a lot of introspection, and a shit-ton of consequences. As I’ve argued elsewhere, however, […]
Cheaters Never Trade Up — The Lola Doctrine
While I’m jetting towards Australia, I’m running a guest column today by CN member “Lola Granola.” Enjoy! — Tracy Too often when we are on the receiving end of cheating, it’s at the end of a long process of devaluation and discard. Sometimes it’s not –- sometimes we are blindsided in what we thought was […]
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