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Busted by Doorbell Cam

If you’re going to cheat on your wife, probably best to turn the doorbell cam off first.

On this viral TikTok video, @kaylie271 found her husband quite literally stepping out.

@kaylie271 #cheater #garbage #fyp ♬ original sound – Kay

An older generation, like myself, might find evidence in an old school way (such as, waking up in bed with another woman’s thong stuck to you). Beware this new generation of chumps, however, they’re tech savvy — Kaylie271 uploaded that shit and hashtagged it.

#garbage

Now, I know I say here, If It Feels Good, Don’t Do It. But I think we can all understand the impulse to counter gaslighting with evidence. (Oh hey, shocker… he wasn’t sick.)

Clearly, she must’ve thought the excuse was shady if she thought to check the ringcam footage. The joys of marriage policing… Ugh.

I wouldn’t advocate social media blasting such evidence. However schadenfreudealicious it is. Especially if you have minor children. Give it to your lawyer, Kaylie, and get the best settlement you can and get out of there.

Anyone got a technology backfired on the cheater story to share?

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • “In a follow-up TikTok, Kaylie explained that the woman with whom her husband was caught cheating has long pretended to be her friend and has even organized playdates between their kids.”

    Same old story…😞

  • The most basic.
    Texts appearing on locked phone screen.
    Bikini pics and all.
    Phone left on dresser top while he was in shower
    Didn’t even need to pick up phone in hand.

    Later. Texts coming in real time on locked iPad screen. Left on bed in morning. I just watched the show roll in.

  • The FW was working out of town so I was increasing the data on our cell plan. I thought I would be nosy to check the call logs to see who he texts. (I had ZERO suspicions, just being nosy).

    I saw one phone number a lot, more than mine. I had to pay People Finder and got the APs name. And I kicked him out of my life. That was over a year ago.

    I’m happy to say that it’s not just Tuesday on the calendar, it’s Tuesday in me.

    • I have a doorbell camera and it notifies me, and shows me the video, when there’s movement. If Kaylie has that, then she didn’t need to check video, she saw it in real time.

      • It was the days before unlimited texting and our cell bill was super high. I looked at the bill that listed all the texts and wondered who he was texting the entire time I was in labor. It’s all Tuesdays now.

        • Betternow
          This was me too. When texts were charged individually. I kept asking who he was texting all the time because he wasn’t texting me! He would say he was texting his brother for work reasons (his brother owned the shop my now XH worked at). And I remember him sitting up late on the computer emailing people when it was still the days of screeching dial-up. I should have left then instead of believing his bs and staying around for 21 years. The advance of technology is a dream come true for narcissists

          • Yup. Back in the day. a post office box was used and then he got really ballsy and had women calling the house. He didn’t give a shit that we all knew.

    • My x lied about being on his phone at night (he chucked it on the floor). I said I needed to see it. He ran like a chicken to the bathroom and deleted everything. I scrolled through the phone and hit WhatsApp. There was one message that said good night. Instead of saying anything I wrote “hi honey I am so looking forward to our trip to ——“ (because he was going on a solo vacation). They wrote back “me too it will be great” and then the gaslighting and stonewalling really started. He was smart enough to change the passwords on everything. This happened a week before a family vacation. Two days before this vacation I found viagra and weed shoved in my son’s backpack (it was x’s so more gaslighting). The best was my x kept disappearing on the family vacation and I learned later that his AP was down the street from where we were. What kind of asshole manipulates his son to choose a vacation destination for that reason (we had said our kids could each pick a family destination and my x kept pressuring to go there). He’s a dick and always will be.

      • Your ex fucking FRAMED YOUR SON for his own viagra & weed?!?!?!

        I have absolutely no words for the depth of my contempt for this man. I’m so sorry.

    • Next time… hopefully not a next time, use fast people search. It’s free. Gives you names, addresses, birthdays, relatives.

  • Other than wondering why I didn’t question him very much when he started locking his phone?? Nope. I found the panties stuck to the side of the washer instead.

  • STBXW (papers served to her tomorrow) has online Twitter sex with AP who lives overseas. Twitter sends a notification to FW’s email when AP responds to sex tweets. FW leaves laptop open with email open when she leaves the house. I get to see AP’s sex tweets. Disgusting, but helps me tremendously when FW gaslights me about how this is somehow my fault, and she just had to “follow her heart.” WTF? Oh, and I took screenshots of those sex tweets.

    • That’s crazy. I’m a geezer, but in my mind no concept seems farther from the concept of sex than the concept of Twitter. What’s next, FORTRAN sex? Signal flag sex? Morse Code sex? Jeez, Louise, these cheaters.

    • I heard he “has to follow his heart”
      too.

      He forgot you have to have a heart to follow, which would explain why he still wonders as he wanders.

      I think he’s confused about the body part he’s following. Which also indicates a lack of brain functioning.

      • Bahahaha, so spot on. All of these assholes confuse their genitals for their hearts. Or fulfillment for…well, you get the idea.

      • My FW is a “sex and fantasy addict” (cue huge eye roll) so when he saw a woman he thought was attractive he “felt like it meant something” and he “had to follow the feeling”. That feeling, you stupid dipshit, is not your heart, it’s your dick. You’d think these assholes could tell the difference.

    • This was a book written by the cheater himself. He was online, Facebook I think, but started paying attention to one woman. They moved to twitter and an across country affair began. Cheated from NJ to Texas To Mi. It did not end well. And there were children involved.
      I tried twitter one day. Not ever again.

      • Letgo, back when I was trying to untangle the skein, I couldn’t figure out how one develops an emotional and then sexual desire for someone else through Twitter. It’s crazyville. As CL says, they’re just not that deep. And of course, they suck.

        • It happens because the mere *existence* of Twitter AP is simply a seed for FW’s imagination.

          It doesn’t matter who Twitter AP (TAP) actually is. In fact, TAP might be a gross, old, sex-offender lonely person of the opposite gender sending fake pictures of his hot daughter-in-law.

          This seed idea engages FW’s imagination, excitement and sense of entitlement. TAP becomes the perfect idealized person in FW’s mind. This works out well for both of them.

          Internet relationships can last for years but then die when the people meet in person. It’s a false intimacy.

          Kind of like fantasizing about dating a celebrity, only that “celebrity” responds to your messages in order to keep up the illusion.

          All I need to know about love I learned from Catfish.

          • I saw a story about this type of thing on television. An older woman was pretending to be her Daughter! This went on a long time til the guy finally found out and killed someone. Can’t remember who. The daughter, the mother, himself. Can’t remember. But he was totally in Love with someone he did not even know. Creepy.

            • Likely CSI Miami. There was an episode in which there were TWO characters, middle aged man and middle-aged woman pretending to be hot young things. A REAL young guy was trying to protect the REAL daughter and killed somebody.

          • I had trusted him more than anyone I knew. I never thought of looking at his phone or computer in 10+ years of marriage. He had told me the passwords himself without me asking. I remember laughing, and saying: what will I do with your passwords?
            I never suspected, but I started seeing weird dreams about him. Him, keeping a big secret from me. Always the same dream.
            I was probably feeling something but ignoring it. I told him about my dreams, not in a serious fashion, just laughing and talking randomly about them, but I saw that he got clearly upset.
            Then I decided to look at his stupid phone…
            Don’t ignore your dreams.

            • The dreams… I still don’t have an explanation, if its our subconscious or what, but I did get and promptly dismissed a lot of them along the years. But the last one shortly before DDay#1 still makes me wonder. I was desperately holding her hand as she pushed herself further and further into the sea, saying “I want to go, please, let me go”. She can’t swim.

            • I had a recurring dream for 8 years of him going off with some shadowy woman.

              After I found out the truth, I never had the dream again.

              • Same here. I had nightmares until D-day and none since. It’s like the subconscious rests from trying to tell you after the conscious mind is hit with the truth.

            • Dday #1 (1991) was preceded by a vivid dream I had. My FW X came to our bedroom and I told him he needed to go down the hallway to a 2d primary bedroom, where another wife was waiting. When I woke up, I asked (God? Myself?), “So what do I do about this?” A very clear reply came: “Check his phone bill.” He was working on the road & I just sent his unopened bills to him. So, when I opened it, there were nightly phone calls to another number after our (much shorter) calls.
              Should coulda woulda …RIC’d myself back into another 26 years and DDay 3. Thank God for ChumpLady. She & y’all have saved my life – every minute left of it is mine!

          • Lionheart, boy does your message hit home. All this crap started a year ago when my wife of 30 years started crushing on a lead singer in a rock band in an overseas country. She believes that she and this singer are the ones talking to each other on Twitter. It’s so laughable but it didn’t matter how many times I challenged her to prove it was him, which of course she couldn’t. she is quite certain it’s him and that they are soulmates (twin flames as she calls it). Once I read CL’s book I stopped trying to untangle it. I still can’t believe that my wife actually believes it. Anyway, she can have him (whoever he really is) and he can have her. Moving on.

            • A married woman with adult children is gullible enough to throw away a good guy for a supposed rock singer in another country. Catfish tragedy

              I imagine your young adult kids with their jaws dropping when you tell them.

              Please know that my really good second husband was thrown away by a foolish woman. We married in our 50s and have a great life.

              So yes, get out asap

              • Unicornomore, it does seem completely idiotic. STBXW is completely delusional I think. But after 8 months of pick me dancing, I realized a real human can’t compete against a fantasy human. What I didn’t know until I found CN is that I shouldn’t have been competing at all. I should have filed right after I found out. I almost did, but then I got a bad case of chump sadz and started pick me dancing. Feels good to be off the dance floor now.

              • Dr. Phil had several people who had been Catfished and had given away hundreds of thousands of dollars. What happens is the Catfisher steals a photo online and the poor sucker believes it. None of these poor people are spring chickens and none of them are attractive so they must have fallen head over heels for somebody that lookeed like that picture. It was so tragic to watch every time he had one on

              • Letgo mentions down-thread Dr. Phil episodes where seniors get catfished and give away hundreds of thousands of dollars to an online grifter. Part of me wants to believe that level of delusion indicates dementia. Dr. Phil doesn’t usually delve into the financial repercussions for the spouse or any adult children. “Sorry Mom but if you keep this up, you’ll be homeless. You’re not moving in with us and we won’t be giving you any money to send to a Nigerian Yahoo boy.”

            • I’m glad you seem to be in a strong mental spot now ASAP! I heard the whole “my exboyfriend I haven’t seen for 25 years is my twin flame soul mate” as well 😂.
              The reality starts to kick in after a few years when they actually start to realize what they have given up to be with their AP and what the AP has given up. Usually the scales are massively tipped one way and then the resentment starts to grow. You reap what you sow.

              • Thanks James. I have a feeling my STBXW will learn that lesson even sooner when she discovers that her rock band lead singer twin flame is really just some old lonely dude who was all too happy to pretend to be whoever FW wanted him to be in order to get some cheap daily Twitter sex. How fun.

                They’re. just. not. that. deep.
                #CONSEQUENCES

    • Stay strong GetMeOutASAP. After the papers are served, she’s really going to beg, plead, cry, and fall down on the ground. I’m so sorry. We’ve all been where you are, i.e., a head all messed up by gaslighting, entitled fuckwit. Tuesday is wonderful! It’s going to be a roller coaster for a while, but TUESDAY IS WONDERFUL!! And it’s fuckwit free.

      • Thanks Amazon. After a year of total mindfuckery, I am so looking forward to getting to meh someday. I’ve made progress.

  • The cloud is a mysterious techy thang. He couldn’t figure out how I knew for the longest time. Serial cheater caught previously the old fashioned ways in years past. But the cloud took him down for the last time!

    • The cloud took down a relative’s cheating wife because the kids in the family were adept at navigating it but Madame-cheated-on-teacher’s-licensing-exams-and-sent-crotch-pix-to-shmoopies did not.

      My daughter has eidetic memory like my mother and only had to see dad type in passwords once to lock them into memory. Typically she’d sneak onto his devices because I limit screentime, but she’s also a human lie detector like my grandmother. She hacked with purpose a few times. She found the AP’s filthy messages and emails with the AP wheedling for expensive gifts and trips. She tried to explain to me how she knows when people are lying: “I can always tell.”

      I was told by a therapist that it’s often tween or teen girls who grow suspicious and uncover adult cheating before anyone else. I imagine it’s that preparing-to-be-a-mommy gut intuition cranking up and maybe having some unwieldy spikes the way teen hormones are all over the place.

      Anyway, it was true in my relative’s situation and true in mine– techy tween girls dropped the dime. You could say it was a mix of modern and ancient “tech” that brought cheaters down in my family.

      On the one hand it’s impressive, on the other hand tragic and shows how abusive cheating is. Both little girls were horrified and traumatized and required therapy. They seem to be doing well now but the effects can last a lifetime. Totally unnecessary.

      • Tweens are small and innocent enough that adults don’t realize how quickly they pick up on technology. My daughter didn’t figure out the whole secret — my FW accidentally forgot to mention that he was gay before he asked me to marry him and then spent two and a half decades gaslighting me — but she did find “penises on his desktop” and come whispering to me. Later, when the inevitable happened and I found out the whole truth — she told me that there was also an incident where she saw a text preview come across his phone, and couldn’t understand it but knew it was too scary to tell me about. I don’t think people fully appreciate how it damages a child, to be unwittingly put in a position of knowing something but unable to act on it: if she’d told me about the text, she could get in trouble with her father, but if she kept it a secret and I later found out she knew, she could get in trouble with me. Obviously, I’m not going to fault her, but I’m just pointing out that in a child’s imagination, she would know she was in a troublesome situation.

        • I thought I’d break my jaw gritting my teeth when I saw what she uncovered and that childish glow draining out of her eyes. I might have worried more– or at least in a different way– if my daughter wasn’t so advanced in her understanding, She knew what was going on. She decided that she wanted to be a writer at age ten and began getting college level books on character and story development, romantic and sexual plot twists included. Plus there was that time I found her curled up perusing the Swedish childbirth book at age five.

          At this point she’s like a Victorian teenager. She has her crushes but she always manages to draft these little dudes into her geeky platonic friend group. She has no interest in dating, makeup, fashion, jewelry, etc. I’m hoping that doesn’t have to do with her terrible discovery but is just her natural trajectory.

          There were other “whistleblowers,” people who worked with FW, so I managed to convince her it wasn’t really her who let the cat out of the bag. I wanted to both commend her intuition while also taking that awful burden off her shoulders.

  • Pre shag fest..phone would be placed all over the apartment screen side facing up.. Could pick it up, move it. No issues

    During the shag fest..phone was always screen side facing down and if I was even within reaching distance he’d break into a sweat.

    After D-day phone would be ‘ left in his work bag’ or ‘charging in another room’

    These fuckers can’t even get creative with their BS.

    • Yep. 20/20, huh? After dday, I was very clear – with FW and myself – that I wasn’t interested in feeling suspicious or policing him. That just seemed like a humiliating, boring nightmare – the opposite of the relationship I expected and not how I wanted to spend my life. My cognitive dissonance was extreme in the good old days of RIC and hopium addiction.

      If I had been suspicious sooner, however, I could have so easily discovered my ex’s infidelities YEARS before dday. Yet for everything that felt wrong, I never dreamed that my “partner” would stoop to cheat on me. Crazy, because there were so many red flags (the phone paranoia just one), and he was so shady and unsophisticated. With a little bit of luck, I found evidence as soon as I made up my mind to find out the truth for myself. FW’s shitty character and skill at manipulation, and my chumpiness, kept the charade going far longer than should have been possible. Switzerland and flying monkeys didn’t help matters, and my trust and appreciation of privacy and independence made it too easy for FW to gaslight and deceive me.

    • Oh, and even after days, he made excuses like, “My phone is in the car and it’s dead,” and many other blatant lies, to avoid being transparent. And I let him get away with this, even though I knew I side me he was lying and even voiced my discomfort. What a mindfuck, and how strange to imagine being that “version” of myself, now. I completely understand why literature refers to abuse as “the fog.”

  • After I found out about his affair he left immediately . I couldn’t legally lock him out of the house ( trust me I tried) but I’d go to work and come home and he had been in the house . Taking random shit like one trip he made was to pick up an empty watch box . He had not a thing left in the home and I still couldn’t lock him out .

    That’s when sparkle whore came into my home with him . They obviously had sex in my bed as I make my bed every morning and when I got home it was unmade and she left her scarf on my bed .
    Another time she left the butterfly of her earring

    I bought a cheap CCTV set up and told his lawyer ( through mine) if I seen her come into my home ( he hadn’t lived there for months by this time) I was calling 999 for breaking and entry

    She’s a scummy whore so ofcourse she came back into my home !!!
    I’ve now paid out for a semi decent cctv system and changed the locks .

    I’m glad Kylie has this footage as I hope she takes out a restraining order to keep both of them out of her home .

  • There was a poster here for a while whose cheater must not have remembered that his iPhone was connected to the cloud which automatically shared his photos with the wife on his shared account.

    The husband was supposed to be out of town on a business trip but the wife walked into her family room to find giant photos of him and a woman on a boat scrolling on her big screen tv.

    That story freaked me out, I cant imagine seeing that shit on a giant flat screen tv.

    My cheater was able to use his “this is a government owned phone for work and you are never to mess with it” excuse to get away with a LOT. To this day I wish I had smashed that piece of shit with a hammer.

    • Yup!!!!! My FW has one too. Before govt issued him one he had his own. Lent it to my 15 year old and said not to check emails. Seriously!! Of course he did and found where FW had tried to meet randos. Denied ever meeting. He would never do that! 2 more weeks of hell and I finally got proof. He had deleted everything he could by then though. Made it really awkward for my sons though. Ugh

    • Unicornomore, iCloud is how OW’s husband found out that she had moved on from my FW to her kids’ soccer coach. Classy.

      I found a digital pic of OW while looking for vacation photos. Not incriminating at all…but I knew (@Hell of a Chump’s “ancient tech”). I asked him if there was someone else and he denied to my crying face. I waited until FW and I were on a hike months later, and it so happened there was no cell reception so no internet. I told him I had “pictures and dates,” and he couldn’t ask to see them on Google Drive, so he finally came clean. He was so mad when he found out it was just a picture of her face “before anything happened” and a shirtless selfie of him in a hotel room 😁

  • I had given my my phone to my pi to help monitor my ex while she was having an affair. We had the share finder and she forgot. He captured a bunch of film during a party downtown that had 1000s of people attending.

    Months later in the divorce my attorney recommended to get more film so my pi and I left the gym to extract footage at he lovers house. She came out and started yelling at the pi and later called the cops that night saying I hired a hit man to kill her and she saw the guy holding a gun. This time, I thought I had left my phone in my car and drove over with him to her house and my wife alerted her to our presence. 😣

  • Traitor X, aka Benedict OJ Madoff, is a paranoid camera freak. Cameras everywhere. Inside his house. Outside his house. He even put one in a common area of his townhouse complex. All over the inside and outside of the buildings at our business. He compulsively checks the cameras, which anyone in his presence longer than thirty seconds will notice. Drones with cameras. Our daughter came running inside the house one summer day last year to report a drone hovering over our backyard, which took off when she spied it. He denied having a drone with a camera on it, which she said was a lie (surprise) having spent time with him where he showed them off to her. His explanation for all the cameras to Dr. Kickass Co-Parent was that they are for “catching criminals”. (LOL x infinity here). No, I think somebody is up to no good and is paranoid and spends a lot of time scanning the perimeter. He has major issues with spying on people. My neighbor caught him, over a year after he left, driving back and forth past my house on his silent electric scooter (think adult size Razor) and spying on us through the front windows. Some FOO history is that his father used to leave voice activated tape recorders around their house growing up to see if his mother was cheating. Very likely his dad was the actual cheater. Can you say “generational baggage”?

    He evidently felt his tech savvy, superior to mine, was a cool tool to take advantage of me, the tech kindergartner.

    There is no question that tech advances have increased the opportunities and methods of cheating. That also means increased opportunities and methods of being caught because the truth usually comes out at some point. Like many here, it was the phone that busted him. The lowlife companions live in the phones and the digital footprints look like the ground after Woodstock in the rain.

    Our daughter was using his phone to watch a video on his phone when a message from Tinder came in. She was in middle school and (sadly) knows what Tinder is. She called me immediately because he had moved out and had been telling her we were not divorcing but working things out (never true for one split second). I learned a few months later that at that same time as our daughter busted him on Tinder he was living in an apartment with the Craigslist cockroach he ditched us for.

    Being cheated on is a terrible blow. The recovery is long and difficult. But ultimately I consider it an oddly wrapped gift and I am actually grateful for the tech advances, without which I may never have known.

    The Tinder incident was his turn to get blindsided and I consider it a very
    Schadenfreudelicious karma freight train.

    In my experience, Higher Power really does dish out the best consequences.

    • I loved the scene in “Modern Family” when hot Gloria blasts a drone to smithereens with a big handgun that she stores in a hat box. Too bad we can’t do the same 🤣

    • Another point about OJ Madoff that sticks in my craw. Who the fuck does he think he is installing cameras in the common area of his rented flat, that he doesn’t own ? If I were one of the other tenants, I would consider that a violation of my privacy.I would report him to management. Dress in black like an antifa, go ninja 🥷 late at night and spray paint the lens 🤣

      • The camera I mentioned above is in the common area of a townhouse he owns. He lived in the rented secret apartment with the Craigslist cockroach previously.

        My daughter has valid concerns that he spies on her, so I brought up the camera obsession with Dr. Kickass Co-Parent, who suggested he take them down if he wants a chance to rebuild trust with her. He did, and then we saw recently he had put them back up. So I brought it up again. They came down again. What was nice is that his sense of entitlement and lying and unwillingness to comply is now exposed to someone with teeth.

        We think the camera in the common area is to check the perimeter before he has lowlife companions over, something else he was asked not to do at this time in the interest of restoring trust with our daughter. He agrees to suggestions with lip service and tries to get away with His Way, which is busted regularly and on display now, which is gratifying.

        Except for my daughter, I feel so stupid for marrying him.

  • Me ex had started holding his phone all the time. He was constantly leaving saying his was working and staying gone. He was doing weird stuff like shaving his privates, picking fights to leave, etc. One morning after seeing all this weird stuff going on, he got in the shower. I figured out his cell pass. He had an app he should not have. Me being very tech savy once I got to work I again figured out his password for the app and was watching he and her texting verbatim. She made the comment at one point of him being jealous when he has a wife and girlfriend. My heart broke into a million pieces. I took him back twice after this. The third time, I made him leave. I knew I was fighting alone. They changed mine and my kids life forever. It has been over three years and I haven’t dated. I trust no one. Sad!!!

    • I’m sorry you’ve been put through put through all of this. I understand why you don’t trust anyone. I can’t imagine trusting again and haven’t tried dating again, either. I resent being prompted to look for the “silver linings” of infidelity and abuse, but I hope that you at least feel better off than when you were trapped in that abusive relationship. Hugs.

      • b&r thanks for your kind words. I am sorry for you and others as well. So thankful for Chumplady offering a place to confide. I have actually went through a phase f hating men in general. I know this is wrong. I know good men exist. It was just my bad coping mechanism. He sold me as an abusive terrible mother to not only his affair partner but to others. I am not sure what’s worse, being blamed for his affair or the actual affair. He destroyed me. She went along with it. She stalked me and did and said terrible things. She told me she wanted my life. She got it. She now hangs with who was my best friend. Her husband was cheating with my at the time husbands affair partners aunt. My exfriends husband and the aunt set my ex up with his affair partner. My ex bestie two weeks after I made my ex leave decided to go on a double date with my husband at the time, his affair partner and her husband. She did this to keep her husband. She didn’t care about me. I lost my husband and best friend and guess what, my ex besties hubby still kep cheating. They are divorced now. My ex friend still hand with my ex hub and his affair partner. The amount of pain these people did to me is undescribeable. I now have a heard time trusting my friends, family or anyone for that matter. Dating is non-existant. I know one day I will try. I know not all men and friends will do the same. ☺

          • Better Off.

            Sorry that you had to go through this. I just wanted to share something with you from the other side….

            I read text messages between my ex fiancee and AP trying to organise the date of their engagement party! If you note I mention ‘fiancee’. We were engaged!! And here he was discussing their engagement! She even sent him pictures of dresses that had made her shortlist to wear at the party.

            Fast forward and my friends and I now laugh at the stupidity of them. Please note I’m not minimising your pain. I was devasted at the time. Can’t get out of bed, crushing chest pains, dropping loads of weight, not sleeping kind of devastated.

            These fuckers don’t deserve our energy or heart. I realised this when I saw the first picture of the dress…i knew he has zero love or respect for not only me but himself.

            Did the ever get engaged? Dunno and honestly don’t care.

            Sending virtual hug. Don’t let these fuckers ruin your sparkle.

            • MC – thanks for your share. We were married right at 15 years and had two sons. We dated off and on prior around 4 years. I saw red flags then (he cheated during dating) and I still married him. Luckily, you did not marry your turd. Consider yourself blessed. Sending virtual hugs back. ☺

    • I am in the very same place. I can’t imagine trusting anyone, I was shattered and I don’t think I’ll ever be in one piece again. 2 years divorced, 4 years since D Day. Can’t get over it and find Tuesday

    • That’s a terrible way to find out (not that there is a good way). A year after the EXW was gone I tried dating but quickly figured out she has too much real estate in my head still and I have to figure my own shit out. Trust in yourself is what you need to build first and then trust in others comes back IMO.

  • Couple of giveaways from Mr. Sparkles playbook of how to use technology to gaslight and cheat:

    – Create multiple emails accounts, but aggregate them to a Gmail account for ease of use.
    – Burner phones are handy and you can always say it belonged to one of the kids (who each already had iPhones)
    – Locking the cell phone (nope, he’s not working for the Pentagon, just a local car dealership)
    – Changing cars every day (see above re: car dealership)… keeps everyone guessing
    – Open a separate bank account and have all your porn charges and dating subscriptions services bill to it (and gaslight wife by not informing her of a monthly bonus program that funds said account)

    I got out before RING, but I can imagine only the worst as when I travelled for work, my teen stepdaughter was often left home with my young son after Mr. Sparkles tucked him in after my nightly call and then he’d go out all night.

    Sure don’t miss any of it.

  • I would get up at 4:00 am to go to work. He left his cell phone in the bathroom and a Words With Friends message was on his screen from an “Angilinaballarina”. I drove the hour to work before it dawned on me who it was from. I turned right around and came back. Woke his lazy self up and confronted him. I’d already had suspicions that summer and although he denied to my face what was up then, but he finally he fessed up. He then gave me “full access” to all his electronics (you know I’ll never cheat again bull line) but he enjoyed to hurt me, so other things were found after a while. He was kicked out (after I stupidly decided to try and work it out) when I discovered love decrees between him and his 3rd cousin in Arkansas. He didn’t like me using technology to print off a map with directions from WA state to her hometown with a list of hotels for him to stay at. “You just gave me the worst day of my life” he whined.

    • My XW’s uncles wife (lived in Idaho) left him for her 1st cousin in Arkansas. I hear the banjo playing in the background. I couldn’t believe it when I was told the story 🤪🤪🤪

    • After I got rid of Lovebringer69. I met an old school friend who was separated.
      We would chat for hours and seemed to have a lot in common but then he moved to messaging me through Words with Friends which was a Red Flag. I started to feel like I was being set up to be the Other Woman so cut communication completely.

  • He accidentally sent a text intended for the AP to our daughter. #classic

    She subsequently shared it with me after showing it to her adults sib. It wasn’t so explicit as to be a slam-dunk confirmation of an affair, although I guess my son thought it was obvious. X wrote that he’d just exercised, was about to shower. left the garage door open, and was eager to see this person. (Note: the word “eager” still gives me the chills.) But there were no names or identifying information. Not the dog’s name. Not something specific like, “Spinach will be gone until 10am tomorrow.”

    When I asked him about it, he said he was texting with a male friend who’d sent him that text and that he accidentally copied and pasted it into his text with our daughter, AND I BELIEVED HIM mostly because he’s so bad with computers and cell phones that it made sense to me. Fat fingers.

    But also because I’m convinced that my conscious mind protected me from what my subconscious knew to be true. I never would have believed that my mind could play a trick on me like that, but I think it did.

    Anyhow, back to my story. He got his friend to lie to me that he’d sent it. Supposedly this friend of my x’s felt so bad about lying that he told my x that he never want to see him or hear from him again.

    Three months after the near-incriminating text, x confessed, saying that the jig was up. He’d been in an affair for almost 3 years.

    I know suspect there were other affairs. He wrote about “other women” but argued that one-night stands aren’t affairs.

    Fuck him and the high horse he rode in on.

    Also, apologies to the Apple store employee who politely listened to me explain that I thought my x’s phone had been hacked. This was before he got his friend to lie. 🤦🏻‍♀️

    • Words and terms and phrases that were previously innocuous that are now triggers…..yes.

      Some of mine:

      “Bday” (strange woman’s name and “bday” on a date in his phone calendar).

      “Do you want to come?” From the DDay incriminating email found in the email trash on his phone, inviting strange “bday” woman on his business trip.

      There are MANY.

      Every day can feel like being sucker punched by a ghost, all day long, walking through the day from waking to bedtime through a field of land mines, the smallest things packing the biggest wallop.

      ☹️

      • Yep. So many for me, too.

        The verbal and visual landmines are everywhere.

        I wonder if the x’s have their own landmines. I like to think that mine shutters when he sees something that reminds him of me. Then again, his mind is disordered af. And I’m trying not to care.

        • Not caring is a gradual process, not an instant one if you are a caring person. IMHO.

          I’m glad that I don’t want to know what he thinks, what he is doing. I want him to “get off my land” mentally and physically. That’s major progress from where I was when the shit show began.

          Picture yourself on a front porch with a big shotgun, saying, “Get off my land” when a trigger shows up.

          I have an old Victorian daguerreotype of a three year old in a child’s period white dress, holding a big shotgun with a menacing expression on his face.
          It’s scary, yet somehow hilarious.

        • Yes, ex’s have landmines.

          All the seeds we planted about their disgusting behaviour and existence.

          Karma waters.

          My ex will die a thousand deaths by patchouli.

          Keep going CN!

        • “Every day can feel like being sucker punched by a ghost, all day long, walking through the day from waking to bedtime through a field of land mines, the smallest things packing the biggest wallop.”

          VH/Spinach@35: this paragraph is so succinct and pointed in describing exactly what I have been taking note of the last few months. I also think of them as landmines and they are **everywhere **. There are no safe spaces – even in my own apartment I am triggered multiple times per hour. Although I have made excellent progress in moving forward, I’m beginning to fear that this landscape of internal war will be with me for a long while to come.

          As much as I would like to think Mr. Duplicity could be triggered to think of me and what he actually did/lost, I am quite certain that if he thinks of me at all it is to congratulate himself on his extraordinary skill at being able to pull the wool over my eyes.

          Thank you for validating this concept for me. 💕

          • I realize not everyone can do this, but, for me, moving to another state has helped. This new place is untainted by him.

            I’m not as plagued by physical reminders.

            The ones I experience are in my own head.

            Oh, and when I see a Jeep, anything fishing related, certain stores….ugh (the list is long).

            • I too have got a lot of these triggers and landmines myself, but one class in particular bothers me a lot, because they’re everywhere in Brazil and that is supposed to be a good thing (not really, but not getting political here): anything military police related, firearms in particular. My XW and her former AP are cops. I’ve been blessed with pictures of them together in combat uniform holding guns (I think that was just for the thrill, since they were working in a hospital dealing mostly with blood, sputum and stool samples).

          • It had died down and faded dramatically but it has taken a LONG time. (I just passed the four year mark). She drove a very popular model Honda and they were EVERYWHERE all day long. I see them now and feel nothing.

            Expecting it, having a plan to take care of myself when it happens, and being patient has really helped me.

            They’re still out there, but it’s not like the 24/7/365 jackhammer in my brain and body that it once was.

      • Yeah, the land mines that haunt us. How I hate that!
        I still can’t even look at his name written out, when I see the fast food sign, “Jack”, I divert direct eye contact with it until my car has passed by.

        So many trigger bombardments daily really, I wish that could all go away.
        I was with the guy for 44 years though, there is barely anything in this world that doesn’t remind me of him.
        I sometimes wonder if it happens to him or if he just cares so little that it doesn’t really register at all.

        “Every day can feel like being sucker punched by a ghost, all day long, walking through the day from waking to bedtime through a field of land mines, the smallest things packing the biggest wallop.”
        Yes, yes and yes to this! 👆

        VH, you have a gift for describing experiences so very well, your insights are much and always appreciated. You share a great deal of wisdom, I thank you for that.

        • You’re welcome. ❤️

          That’s why I call him OJ….his actual name is a trigger which conjures up the mirage and all kinds of positive things which may or may not be real, the Nice Guy I thought he was. Whoever he was screwing around with showed me he plays for the same team as OJ and I should not put anything past him anymore. I needed a name to remind me to beware and stay away from him.
          Relationships are difficult enough between people of integrity; I can’t imagine anything dumber than knowingly hooking up with someone who fucks their own family over, or someone who will help you fuck your own family over. Yecch.

      • Hey VH ,
        So true on the continues triggers , the color and type cars they drove, their names Birthdays ironically both very close , ok was he drawn to the sign Sagittarius , seeing what he wrote on the back of photos and realizing what a creep he is. Having PTSD because a memory of being far out in the back country with him after his cheating could so easily have been my last day on earth and I recognize the real danger I was in , his harmful intentions because he hated being caught. And I hate to admit that he has managed to corrupt my way of seeing men or having trust , I want to build back strong and soften my heart one day.

      • Lots of word landmines (great way to describe it, VH).

        ‘Uncomfortable’ – allegedly how I made other people feel

        ‘Talented’ – in response to exgfOW’s email love limerick ‘you are very talented and good at limericks too’

        ‘Limerick’ – see above 😂

        Many more. It’s a potential Friday challenge ‘words causing nausea’

      • Triggers are the worst.

        I found a photo of a pregnancy test she sent her FW “twin flame” and the message saying “not yet” with a sad face. I co fronted her and she calmly told me I was crazy and it would have been mine….even though we hadn’t slept together for 6 months! My brain was so completely exhausted by that point that I just believed her. Can’t walk past a pregnancy test at the supermarket now without getting shudders.

    • Gotta love the “one night stands aren’t affairs” claim. He’s right. But they are both still forms of
      cheating. I expect if he were a hit man, we would see him in front of a judge arguing that one-off murders weren’t the same as mass murders!

      My EX also loved to defend himself with versions of “the problem isn’t my behavior, it is your choice of vocabulary words.”

    • I’ve often wondered too if my mind was just trying to protect me at the time as well. I look back and think how did that happen that I bought into all that smoke and mirrors malarky. He told me a hacker must have got into his Skype among other things. One reason It believe is these cover ups on his part had great conviction and was offended for me even thinking such things of him. Very sure and adamant. It made me doubt myself. Maybe I’m wrong on the outside chance and falsely accusing someone. Well the saying trust you gut is true and many of us are robbed of our own sensibilities due to gas lighting and other tricks over many years.

  • First, are my eyes deceiving me or did the skank totally walked out of there with no pants and you can literally see her ass when he is grabbing it as she walks away. Gross!

    Second, my ex loved him some expensive online dating apps (Millionaire Match, Luxy, etc.). The tech fails consisted of: his phone was facing up with his messages on full read so every juicy text was popping up in full from 9-10 women one night while he was asleep on the couch. So I guessed his password and that opened up a huge can of worms. It wasn’t just 9-10 women, it was hundreds that he was fishing for on these apps PLUS co-workers, his ex baby mama, “friends”, etc.

    How could one man navigate hundreds of women in a day and still keep a job???? He would copy and paste the same blanket question and response to each woman. (He even had organized categories in his notes with pre-written responses that he would copy and slightly alter to fit the girls needs). Once they opened up and needed more time, effort and energy he would switch over to talking to them on the phone for spurts during the day. I was devastated when I found it and obviously confronted him. He did all and said the typical things (and so did I….insert eye roll). He even showed me how he pulled this major feet off with NUMEROUS multiple women over the course of our relationship and convinced me that “he was getting help with his problem”, “that I was the one”….blah, blah, blah! Shit really hit the fan several months later when I found hair all over the house (that was not mine) and explicit text messages between him (he was 50 at the time) and the 24 yr old nanny who happened to also be a co-worker and ex fiancé to a managing partner at his car dealership group. They are now married and everyone in our community can’t stand them so he pathetically begs for people to hang out with him/her….everyone runs the opposite way and have told him blatantly they refuse to be around him, to stop calling or approaching them in public because they don’t want to be associated with him/her. Ain’t karma a bitch. LOL!

  • Never found anything “new tech”, try as I did. 3am I wake up and poke through her phone b/c I knew something was wrong. Never found a thing.

    Instead it was the good “old fashion” land line caller ID that was my discovery tech.

    • Part of the problem is the constantly changing variety of apps on the phone. When I caught him on WhatsApp, he changed to something else. I couldn’t keep up, nor did I want to.

      • I remember having the realization after the first D-day that the apps and websites were like playing whack-a-mole. The RIC was all about me showing that I trusted him and was not co-dependent by not snooping. I stopped but soon came to realize that it wasn’t because I trusted him again. I stopped because I realized being the prison warden was miserable and I wanted to be married to someone who wanted to be in a monogamous relationship with me. He was not that person and I really just stopped caring what he was doing and started to focus on when and how would I get away. (I had started thinking I would try to stay until kiddo had gone to college – hahaha – but then after learning about narcissism and reading CL as well as having klootzak make a half-assed attempt to end our marriage, I know the right answer is to get out ASAP.) There are endless ways FWs use technology to hook up, including Next Door, LinkedIn, and Meetup. They will manipulate any app or site dealing with other people as a means for sex. Trying to keep up is an exercise in futility.

  • His sat nav was linked to Google account on the family computer, he still denied the affair, even said his brother & him couldn’t believe I started divorce proceedings so quickly,
    I said ‘you were cheating on me’
    His answer ‘but you didn’t know that then’!!!! Boom!!!!
    I told him what time & where he’d been, he said I’d had his phone hacked, idiot, & he works in security !!!! Dumb ass

  • Snapchat “find your friends” map was his tech backfire. FW had his location services turned off, but his cousin did not. I was able to see where they took a weird route to an event, which just so happened to be near OWs (parent’s) home, and then also stopped there on the way home from said event. Hmm. It took me a few months to get proof of the affair, but that was the first time I knew something was wrong.

    My ex also started being super protective of his phone. There was a time when I would respond to texts for him while he was driving, but he began to keep his phone in his pocket or in the armrest of his truck. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but now know it was a huge red flag.

  • (1) Passwords set on text messages that I figured out. (2) Synching iphone with allll the other idevices, which allowed me to see photos in real-time while the two were travelling. Needless to say a friendly divorce and a shared attorney were off the table. I quickly got my own attorney and started proceedings without him.

    I could regale you with stories ad nauseum, but we’ve all been there. What assholes.

  • Howorker was one of my Facebook “friends” and I saw when she changed her status to “In a Relationship”. I knew she wasn’t dating anyone (other than my husband). 😁. I innocently asked her to see her lie and squirm.

    I did a screenshot and printed it off and turned it into my attorney. Funny, I got blocked shortly after. 🤷‍♀️

  • I was painting in my bedroom. He’d unlocked his phone so DD could play on it and she’d slipped into my room. I had the door locked because I was painting around the entryway. Drop cloth, step ladder, big paint can, everything.

    He knocked on the door and asked if he could have his phone back. I said I wasn’t going to move all of my painting stuff to open the door so he could have his phone back and he needed to wait.

    Maybe 2 minutes later, he knocked and asked for it again. I reiterated that he needed to wait for me to finish the doorway.

    I swear to you, if he had just respected my need to paint and left me alone for 10 minutes, what happened next would never have happened.

    But not even 2 minutes later, he knocked and asked again. I was starting to get annoyed with him. I was about to snap at him.

    And suddenly it hit me. The phone was unlocked and alone in the bedroom with me. He was panicking because he didn’t want me to see what was on it.

    I plucked it from my daughter’s hands and checked it. His newest texts were from the OWhore, whom he’d supposedly gone NC with a month ago. He’d been at her place the night before, “ravaging” her.

    And that’s all she wrote.

  • For some reason, she continued to charge her phone in the kitchen while she slept, and was still punching in her passcode while siting next to me on the couch. In hindsight, she must have thought I was really trusting or really stupid (probably both).

    After spending an entire night taking pics of her texting threads with the Carrot Singer and getting proof of her crimes, I printed some out and planned on confronting her on a Wednesday morning, after our daughters left for school. BUT. . . on Tuesday, after she left for work with her phone, I sat and watched her responses to his incoming texts on her iPad, setting up a sex date in our home for later that morning. She forgot, or wasn’t aware, that their texting functions are synched.

    And that’s how I was able to confront the both of them later that day.

    • Geezus.

      Is it just me of do so many of these cheaters seem SO stupid about tech stuff?

      Mine struggled to understand the difference between an email and a text. How he pulled off an affair is beyond me.

    • Similar story, my FW didn’t turn off family share on his phone. His wonderful dick pics and her twat shots were on the shared account. My 25 year old son found them. The account was primarily used by him to send us pictures of the places he is posted to or passes through since he is the Navy. Fortunately, it was after DDay 2 for me so all the pics went straight to the attorney. Still in the middle of this but the pictures and other crap is giving me a better bargaining position with FW. My son is NC with him. I guess in shock after seeing his almost 70 year old father nude with is 32 years younger Schmoopie. FWs are not too bright but he really thought he would get away with that and take most of the assets. Sadly that isn’t going to hold true.

  • He left his laptop on and all his apps (Facebook, email) logged into. All I had to do was read. He had messages with the AP in a hidden email folder called “work”. I also had set up all the bills, etc., so it was no issue for me to go into the phone records and find the 50+ hours a month he was spending on the phone with the whore.

    I also learned a lot from OW’s Instagram, which was constantly full of pictures of her at my house (in my very distinctive coral-colored bathroom). And of them out at events, even if he wasn’t in the photos. She didn’t know I could see her Instagram (and Facebook, and Twitter), but damn it’s easy to bypass being blocked. I’m not tech savvy at all and it took me about 2 minutes. I was doing this on the advice of my attorney, who said it would be cheaper if I monitored their social media than if she did.

    Not entirely related to discovering the cheating, but during the divorce, stbx was trying to convince everyone I was crazy, so he had AP lie and join several (closed, private) divorce Facebook groups where I went for some support, for the sole purpose of screenshotting everything I wrote and then trying to twist it in the worst possible way. He included these screenshots in the discovery. But his stupid gf didn’t think to crop her profile picture out of the bottom of the screenshots (or even to use a fake account or something), so I knew who was spying on me and blocked her ass so fast and reported her to all the admins of the groups. Later, when my stbx accused ME of “invading his privacy” I brought up that his gf had spied on ME and he said “what makes you say that?” and I replied “because her damn profile picture was at the bottom of the screenshots!” and described the photo and the outfit she was wearing, and everything, and he just went real quiet. LOL. (We were on the phone for something else entirely, kid-related, but of course he went off into personal land. I didn’t stay on the phone long after that.)

    I think he thought I was pretty dumb and that he was SO clever, but, yeah. I knew a LOT more than I let on.

    • I had signed up for a few closed, private groups to gather info. I saw that kind of situation play out and learned. I set up a fake profile and signed up again so I can ask questions without fear. I learned so much about how to quickly separate our accounts and change my passwords as well as gotten good attorney recommendations in my area. Those groups can be priceless. There should be a special place in hell for people who sneak in there to nab screenshots of chumps who are venting or looking for advice.

  • Exhole went out of town, forgot his smart watch on the charger. Watch is just dinging away, check it to make sure everything is ok. Read a bunch of texts between him and one of his employees. Not about work. Divorced, he and schmoopie go to Cancun to celebrate their love. Six months later they broke up.

  • Computer history showed ope when alone jpeg. His camera bag went with him everywhere (red flag). Played computer games sitting against a wall so the screen couldn’t be seen (red flag) opened gmail account claiming he was testing it for work. Always had to fix the network from home late at night when no one was on the system (RED flag) but it was leaving Facebook open on our shared computer that confirmed. He clearly wanted to be caught. Mentally kick myself for all the stupid shit I believed for 13 years and two kids.

  • My hopefully soon to be ex husband wanted security cameras for our business. So-okay-I ordered them and they were installed. When I found out about his extracurricular activities, I remembered those cameras, figured out the login info, and got an eyeful of his “work” at the office. That was some interesting stuff to say the least. He was obviously stupid because even after I confronted him with pictures taken from that camera footage he didn’t cut them off!!!

  • In my case, OW posted pictures from inside my home (while I was away on a trip) on her public Instagram account. Served the now exH with divorce papers 3 weeks later. Luckily I had screenshots before they were deleted soon thereafter. Thanks, OW, for the evidence! Not the smartest bulb on the tree.

  • Facebook archived messages. He thought he deleted.
    That was emotional affair number 1.
    I cried for months.
    Hence my “name”
    Today is 3 years ago I threw him out.
    That was for emotional affair number 3.
    He moved into his “friends” house that very night-
    His co worker.
    I didn’t need technology for t
    his last EA
    I was just sick of him and ALL his behaviors.
    I could see with my eyes, that he would never change and my life would continue to be misery.
    And still, it was hard to write that text:
    Don’t Come Home.

    • Same for me 3 years ago today, I was finished. It had been Dday early September. Life was awful for those 4 months. I took control that day. Thank God I found LACGAL.

      • Exactly the same Sandyfeet.
        I assume the two office LoveBirds decided to have a deadline of September 1st 2018 to announce to the spouses they were leaving us… office girl threw her husband out ASAP.
        My wonderful husband didn’t have the cajones his office girl had… he sweated it out through the weekend and by that Monday – Labor Day – he was home from work and meekly told me “if you meet someone who makes you happier than I do, I won’t stand in your way…”
        So I said “Who is it NOW???!
        And I knew I was done.
        He saw me suffer with the first 2 – (that I know of ). – the idea that he could do it again??? Ugh!
        I just internally collapsed. Done.
        Took me til December 28 ( 3 years ago today) to get him out of the house…
        He “wasn’t sure” – “Couldn’t decide”
        I made the decision for him by sending him that text – and changing the locks!
        We are survivors!

  • I have a similar story…left to go visit my family for a week at the beach with our son, FW said he couldn’t take off that week so he stayed behind. A few hours after I left, I noticed that our doorbell cam was offline – texted my neighbor to see if we had lost power, she said no. Hmmm. Texted FW, he said he was “out” and would check it when he got home – says that our wifi was probably having issues. Turns out he had turned the cam off because he was having sex with his new OW in our hot tub out back. After she left, he turned the camera back on – but she had left her phone in our house, so she came back and rang the doorbell at midnight to get it. If he had waited another few minutes to turn the camera back on, I never would have seen her…but alas. Saved that footage for the lawyer. He tried to say that it was someone who rang the doorbell at the wrong house. At midnight. Riiiiight.

    • I think their excuses are worse than what a child could think up. My ex wife was caught on tinder stating she had a boyfriend who wanted to watch her with other men. Even had the exact same spelling mistake that she always made and showed the profile was within half mile of me, but when confronted she claimed it was someone cat fishing. Magically 20 minutes later the profile had vanished. I said that since she works with young kids and the profile saying she is into some weird cuckolding fetish that we should phone the police as she could lose her job over this oh and all the staff at her job and even the kids all knowing she has a husband so people in the area might be wondering how she has a boyfriend. That was met with total look of disbelief and she then stated she had bigger things to worry about such as our marriage falling apart 🤦‍♀️

      The marriage that was falling apart due to her serial adultery and being caught fucking over 20 men behind my back in a two month period and she was still continuing to cheat. So glad to have that trash out off my life now.

  • Have mentioned this before.

    Then Mrs LFTT had her iPhone synched to an iPad that the kids used. Youngest (then 11) saw a string of texts that you really wouldn’t want an 11 year old to see. She showed elder brother (then 16), who in turn showed eldest sister (then 18) and she takes photographs knowing that if she took screen shots and sent them that they would show up in her mother’s sent items.

    The kids then told me and I confronted then Mrs LFTT. She lied and said that there was no affair going on, that the texts were to an old boyfriend and just “a joke” and, anyway, as they were private, I had no right to have seen them and no right to question her about them.

    She is now Ex-Mrs LFTT and I couldn’t be happier.

    LFTT

    PS – this is not the only example of technology biting Ex-Mrs LFTT on the ar*e. She was very surprised that, when she denied in court that she was in a relationship with her AP, I produced a screenshot of her public FaceBook profile that she was in a relationship with him and had been since before she left the kids and I. The fact that she had cheated and was in a relationship wasn’t an issue as far as the divorce was concerned, but being proved to be a habitual liar put her in a very difficult position which worked to my advantage.

    LFTT

  • In 2012, we were in London on family trip with my (now former) best friend and her two kids. FW received some texts at lunch, which I didn’t think much of but they definitely made him smile. Anyway, walking around after, he asked “what’s all this about 50 Shades of Grey”. That night he received some more texts and he bent over backwards coming up with very feeble “excuses” as to why they were work related.

    Flash forward a month and I received the old fashion phone hill. Texts received in foreign countries list the #. I forget what I used, but found out who the number belonged to. The long suspected, but continually, 1994/6 mistress. He was still in contact with this woman!

    However, he still denied everything. He trotted off to remote work for a week and I got to work. I found his “secret” Facebook account tied to his “secret” yahoo email account. Turns out if you don’t delete your deleted emails, they’re still there. Apparently, while I was knee deep with young kids in 2005/6, they had a torrid phone and e-mail affair and were even going to meet up in Chicago.

    Finally had to confess to the 1994 affair, the 2005/6 affair and the ongoing sexting, including a virtual book club of 50 Shades of Grey.

    So. Much. Shit.

    Learning about narcissists and their kibble supply has been enlightening.

    Divorced in 2018 (stuck around way too long), but on the road to meh and also shed the backstabbing “friend” from the London trip. Tuesday definitely in sight.

  • Went through her search history after she left saying “she didn’t know if she loved me anymore” and found she googled “how to choose between your husband and lover, married but in love with someone else”.

    Went months farther back and correlated searches for “how to have a long distance relationship”, “how to tell someone you love them”, “how to send a voice recording on Snapchat”, “how to have phone sex”, “how to do a strip tease”, and “how to take naked selfies” with me coming home from work to her crying drunk in the bathroom telling me I’d married a broken person.

    There’s more to her search history that clearly is a timeline to her affair. She denies it all and says she left because I’m abusive. 🤷

  • After some shady behavior and catching him on a midnight call with a woman (he claimed it was his married friends girlfriend), I put together a voice activated recording device for our home phone. This was before cell phones and Radio Shack was still in business. Should have practiced catch-and-release that time, but I loved and valued him more than myself.
    The inevitable second time, he handed his usually off-limits phone to me because he had thousands of pics and memes (ugh) and he was too lazy to delete them himself.
    I thought that I had accidentally deleted a picture of one of the grandkids so looked at the recently deleted folder and there he was in all his naked glory standing in a ravine. He did not know that deleted pictures stayed in the folder for 30 days. What a dumbass.
    He did try to claim that the picture was a selfie, so I asked him to show me how he took a picture standing six feet away from the phone.
    Wow, did he get angry! He actually said that it was wrong for me to put him on the spot like that when I was so much better at tech than he was. He felt belittled.
    I guess him fucking random men and women and having a secret second wife was supposed to make me feel empowered?

  • My cheater was working from home and left his work computer open. He’d been acting weird, so when he left for the afternoon (to meet his AP), I looked on his computer and found a chat window pulled up with a long conversation between him and the AP. I then spent the next day watching them chat on his personal laptop that he had the same chat program on. I also looked through his phone that night and found more things, plus turned back on the setting so I could see his location. We tried to reconcile after this and he was much, much more careful about his tech, but he continued to act weird and well, thank goodness for voice activated recorders.

  • I married a 2nd time in my 50’s, so I had lots of file boxes with my pre-marital life. I had a small work area on the empty second floor where the file boxes were. I’m an IT person. A friend reached out and asked me to test out some software. I used my home desktop to do so. It was software to set up your own home camera that activated with motion.

    I had it aimed to the skylight because of birds and squirrels and then I noticed it was getting triggered by a shadow on the side, so I aimed it towards the rest of the area rather than the roof. It was the hubster going through my past life’s file boxes, removing folders, reading. I wondered if he didn’t trust me or was his control issues at work or what.

    Previously, I had also noticed that he had somehow hooked my PC into a network at the house where he could actually read my PC as though he was staring at my screen. I removed that access. I had put it down to the nontrust and forgot about it until the camera stuff started.

    A couple days after I walked out, I got a ping that a ‘friend’ on Flickr had uploaded new photos. The ‘friend’ was the hubster. He had uploaded photos of my pre-marital life. Photos from my childhood and from trips I had taken. I printed out the Flickr pages.

    • Ew…. That is creepy. What was he trying to accomplish digging into your earlier life and posting old pictures of you?

    • Emma , what you relayed reminded me of some weird and infuriating pre discovery stuff my ex did. Unbeknown to me he was going through all of my belongings taking my earlier life and first marriage photo albums and entering them into all new albums ! He took all of the photos of me and put them in a separate albums . It was if he were trying to edit and reorganize my entire life, so creepy and infuriating . Pre discovery my ex was a huge flirt with all women married or not, with the first discovery it was phone records then an email then entering email address to Facebook then to finding digital camera photos that I laid out copies of on our bed and played a recording of her voicemail for him , tried to heal get therapy counseling And move forward with 20 T years marriage. Two years later same MO , constant texting , cleaning truck 8 to 10 hours , again discovery on phone records . Made ID and contacted her then Husband to confirm, and went forward with divorce. He had already forced me off bank account , got shitty lawyer , all I could afford, got a crap divorce but I’m FREE and working through PTSD from things I had suppressed in the marriage. I no longer have much faith in men or any trust , four years out with the shotgun at the ready but little fear he’d show his face around me . He knows he blew it and that I’m thoroughly done with him. I’d always been one to believe in ability to correct a bad past or behaviors . He cured me of this .So far he has stayed with his last cheat partner much younger . To cheaters together , good for them. It might be just my dog and I and the shotgun here on out and that be just fine.

  • Jackass with his one FB friend, MOW Schmoopie. Not even his teenage kid, just Schmoopie. Date stamped at the beginning of the discard. And a brand new Messenger account…when he never used FB.

    Just a moron. And really stupid since MOW’s husband and kids all used FB.

  • EZ-Pass (electronic tolls) bills showed every exit while XW traveled two states away to a seaside motel fuck fest and back 3 days later! She was irate that I didn’t believe her story of staying with a dear girlfriend whose mother was dying of cancer.

    At first I mistakenly confronted her with evidence in real-time, but that just enabled her to come up with real-time excuses which were just barely plausible. I learned to keep my intel secret and let her lies pile up deep and wide. Alas I had no experience truth policing my wife….yet.

    • Ahh you got the good old staying with a friend to help out. I had the same also back in 2009 when I should have divorced her but I could not due to being trapped in a foreign country with no home to return to sadly. She was sneaking out off the house in middle of the night and eventually this turned into her having to stay overnight at her female friends home to help out as she was going through a bad time. I went multiple times and car was not there, listened through the apartment door and no sound of her. Phoned her and no ringing yet she answered and I never heard her voice inside. I absolutely wish beyond anything I had just told my family back home in the UK what was happening and seen if I could have flew home and lived with my parents until I got back on my feet. I stupidly said nothing to anyone. But if wishing actually worked, I would wish beyond anything to have never met that disgusting POS.

  • I was staying at his flat, which he had supposedly rented ‘for us’. The rat faced whore had been staying there “to help me decorate”, and she ” slept on the sofa”. I still can’t believe I actually swallowed this bullshit. 🙄😳

    But I was suspicious, I suppose I just couldn’t bear to believe it.

    He was asleep (he worked nights) and had left his phone out on charge. It was password protected, so I suppose he thought he was safe.

    A little voice in my head said “look in his phone” – and I know this is hard to believe, but the same voice *recited the password*.

    I read his texts to his ‘mate’ describing fucking the rat faced whore.

    I transcribed them, left the paper on the table with the phone on top, turned on my heel, and left.

    The next working day I found a solicitor, and started divorce proceedings.

    He told me the texts were “just lad’s banter” and “nothing is going on!”. 🙄

    • Your hard to believe part — my sister experienced the same thing. A voice told her to go home immediately. And that’s where he was with someone else.

      • Not the same as having a password made known, but during the time I was agonizing over leaving him, I had a dream in which a disembodied voice very clearly said to me “You need to get out.” I swear I realized a voice was speaking to me even as I slept. I had never had such an aural experience like that before in my life. I am convinced that it was my subconscious breaking through my paralysis. It was as if I was telling myself, “Look, if the dreams you’re having about looking for exits aren’t enough to get you leave, I’ll make it crystal clear.”

  • I found myself becoming more and more of a sleuth as time went on. Funny journaling and reviewing it all for myself now and wondering what spell was cast on me that I would have stayed in that crappy awful game for that long! It scares me to think of it now.

    I had a lot of D-days through the years. I once stood on my back deck with binoculars ( yes, I just said that!) to get his lock code on his phone as he sat in the den texting his mistresses. ( I got it too, lol)

    I cracked the code three times on his phone over the years and each of those three times it was a breathtaking amount of material to absorb, which I never was able to allow myself to believe or take in. Hopium is a powerful drug.
    One time, I did a military crawl around the bed very early one morn (he’s a light sleeper) to grab his phone on bedside table,I had figured out the code the night before and waited for my opportunity.
    I drove to Walmart’s parking lot to open it and read all his trash. ( maybe 12 or so women all with code names, he was also talking to a realtor in Maine about buying a townhouse for his primary mistress and then all assorted side dalliances, even texted one flight attendant he had just met that week to meet him for a w/e rendezvous when he flew back to the state he was working in that coming week. He texted her that while I was in the kitchen making him a kick ass dinner with fresh mango sorbet for dessert and our love life was very passionate and alive. I really thought I was loved.)
    He held a very high level corporate job with much responsibility, pretty head scratching how they can juggle that much skank activity and be some god at work besides. The power, manipulation and control is like crack,they are all that and more in their twisted minds, rules don’t apply to them, only the commoners.
    I also recall my 13 y/o son opening the home computer to a FB acct of his dad’s back in 2005 or so, early FB era. He just laughed so hard because all he could see is that his dad only had one friend on FB, he thought that was comical.
    I didn’t let him read any of it, we closed the page and I just went upstairs to my room to cry. I confronted FW later, found out that was an 8 year relationship whore that he was no longer with, but he said she let him see her FB posts, he was not allowed to respond. ( I years later very seriously suspect that at least one of her three children are his and he wanted to be able to see them in some way).
    I imagine sometimes how much they could actually accomplish if they stayed out of the deceit and betrayal lane in life and were on the side of only good and truth. (A mind blowing amount)
    Too bad they chose to be slime balls instead.

    • I also drove to a neighborhood Waltmart parking lot to read all the garbage-now it hurts all the time I see the spot I parked that day.
      Hugs to you Chumpasaurus45

      • Same to you Bitter Blue.
        It’s not been easy for any of us with these unfathomable discoveries in our lives.

    • “Standing on the deck with binoculars to get his lock code as he texted his mistresses”. And doing “military crawl to get phone”.
      Now that’s funny…Tracy cartoon funny! 🤣🤣

    • OMG C45 !!!
      And here I thought I was the only one who did the “Military Crawl” in the middle of the night to his side of the bed, agonizingly trying to get the charger out of his phone without making a sound… retreating to the closet to find the truth of my life on his damned phone.
      Then waiting for the phone to “Dim” –
      heart absolutely pounding, to return it to his charger and crawling back to my side of the bed.
      Then laying awake for hours, wondering what I might have missed.
      Dear God, what awful days and nights!
      I can’t believe I was reduced to that, by an awful, sub human rat.
      Thank you C45 – for reminding me – just how awful it was!

  • After 7 years without access to his cellphone, he bought an Apple Watch- one day I laid down in bed and his watch was next to me and I grabbed it asking myself does this have a password more like nosy than suspicious 😆 it didn’t have a password and yes that was d-day 1.
    The Apple Watch got him twice after this until he grew tired and decided to threw it the trash can. 😆

  • My thoughts on this are that this guy knew the camera was there, he may have even put it up himself. And even with no camera, there’s neighbors so no one wanting to not get caught would do this on the front porch.

    I think this is his invitation to his wife to join the Pick Me Dance. He’s obviously getting laid by OW, but his wife is attractive and they are most likely having sex, too. He’s probably kinda thinking that his wife isn’t as jealous as she should be.

    I think after a while fucking the affair partner gets boring, just like they’re married. I’m pretty sure my x enjoyed the cheating a LOT more after I knew about it. He even confessed and told me he wanted a divorce. He quickly rethought that by the next day when he found out he could keep me and the whore. I discovered the RIC very fast and thought I would save my FAMILY. I later realized I was more concerned about my family than him, at least.

    But he really, really enjoyed that time period where he was the Philandering Good Guy. It’s a unique situation, most folks won’t fight for a casual relationship, so he’d probably never had two women on the string before. I was so confused by this. I couldn’t figure out why he wanted to stay married to me, if he was so “madly in love” with the whore. He wasn’t, he was in love with the notion of her and using her to pump up that big ego. Thank you to Chump Lady for the Unified Theory of Cake!!! It finally made sense. Chump Lady should get a Nobel Prize for that one!!

  • Two things:

    1) Find your iPhone Ap led me to run into the two of them in a wine store. He bolted and she convincingly told me there was nothing going on.

    Fast forward two days

    2) The idiot took screenshots of her What’s Ap convos with her cheating girlfriends presumably to forward on to her scumbag boyfriend. We had a shared photo account. She would delete the photos but another step was required to remove from the “Deleted Photos” file.

    July 4, 2020.

  • I will be forever thankful for the partnership between Avis and Amazon. These two corporate giants outed my dbag ex. Apparently, if you rent a car from Avis and provide them your Amazon account info, you get 10% back as Amazon credit when you return the car. The dbag traveled frequently for work, then one Sunday, I got an email from Avis saying, “Thanks for renting from us. $25 was just deposited into your Amazon account.” (Our Amazon account was under my name.) Dbag wasn’t due home until Monday so I wondered why he returned the car one day early. I called him and he answered. I asked if he had returned his rental car and he was not ready with a lie so he stuttered and bumbled, then he just plain hung up on me. He was unreachable for the next 24 hours. I called the hospital where he was supposed to be working and they said he’s not on call.

    He came home on Monday as scheduled, I confronted him and he went full-on DARVO on me. He said he was out hiking with friends and he needed a break because he couldn’t stand being with me. He said I was an awful wife, I was fat, I was the laziest person he had ever seen, and he wanted a divorce. This was completely out of nowhere. He had never spoken unkindly to me in our 23-year marriage. Ever. He never expressed any unhappiness and I thought he was very loving and attentive. Of course, in retrospect, my expectations were flush to the ground and I was a stupid frog enjoying the boiling sewage water as giant turds floated around me. That night though, I saw it. The all-black demon eyes that sociopaths occasionally reveal. And his DARVO lies were so off (he hates hiking and has no friends, not one) that I couldn’t even take it personally. I honestly 100% thought he had a raging brain tumor and I’m a doctor.

    The next 2 years were spent in full RIC mode. We were in marriage counseling, I brought him for a brain scan (of course!), he was started on an antidepressant, we had more date nights, more sex, etc. We were working it out. I thought the worst was over and our therapist declared us “recovered” from a midlife marital slump. After 2 years of therapy, she sent us two lovebirds on our merry way.

    Fast forward to mid-2020, my 13-year old son found a laptop hidden in his closet at midnight and he was so happy, thanking me for the gift. He thought it was his because it had his name. I took it from him because I knew this was a secret laptop. I figured out the password and I did see that the dbag was using my son’s name in his communications (sick bastard). And there they were, emails between dbag and his gf. I then went to get dbag’s phone (he was asleep) and saw their sex videos. Tore his CPAP off his face and threw him and his clothes out the door. Was at the lawyer’s office by morning. Divorce filed in 4 days. As the truth unfolded, found out that he had been living with the OW and her kids for years whenever he was “out of town.” He had a second family. Birthday parties, prom, ball games, etc. The whole dang deal.

    I wish I had kicked him out sooner. But I hope my mistakes help someone out there. Don’t confront until you have all the info and legal guidance. Partial info will be shaped by an expert liar into a portal to an alternate universe where he is Mother Teresa and all the Avengers rolled into one. Get a private investigator. Don’t go to marriage counseling with a sociopath. Don’t ask cheaters for the truth. Might as well ask a pig to fly a jumbo jet and write poetry. They simply are incapable and you look stupid even asking. You already know the truth. Just walk away.

  • I bumped the desk with my leg and the old PC was on sleep and that bump woke it up and I looked down to see a porn website then I looked at the open tabs and there were pages opened to escort services. He claimed he was just jerking off. Yeah right. This was about 5 years before DDay. The years prior to DDay he had a burner phone and he kept his iPad hidden from me. He always took his phone into the bathroom and he was gone a long time. When visiting family my mum took me aside and asked if he had diarrhea- that’s how long and how often he was in the bathroom🙄. I had just gotten used to it. In the end, it was pretty easy to find things on the home computers. I never bothered to look but it was hidden in plain sight.

  • Lots of technological cues for me like sudden change of passwords on all computers. All the time spent on his phone and social media apps but no real proof, I was not really looking for one anyway. The deal breaker was that I realized he was an asshole pretending to be a nice guy all along, the affair and lying about living with OW for 2 years was just a cherry on the top really.

    However he was still denying living with OW when he moved out. I got my technological prof he was lying through his teeth (as if I needed one 🙄) through the Bluetooth scale. He had kept the fancy scale he had bought when he moved to his new ‘bachelor’ pad. It was still connected to the health app on my phone and it connected every time I would pick up the kids there or meet with him to discuss divorce agreements. It was clear that someone 100 lbs lighter than him was living with him every time the kids weren’t there, I had the time stamped weight curve to prove it. We live in a no fault state do it was of little use but I watched him continuing his bold face lies in amazement knowing what they were. I was tempted to compliment him on his weight loss a couple of times but I decided against subjecting myself to another unnecessary serving of word salad, so I didn’t.

    • The final proof was definitely low tech in the form of a “forgotten” bra that my two little kids found in the laundry at his place. I guess OW was getting tired of staying hidden after 2 years. His confession came in an email as “of course you knew” because he is twisted that way. It’s all a game to him, no matter the pain inflicted to his little kids and me, and anyone in his way really.

      • Ahhh the bra. Same thing happened to us. Newly divorced a few months ago and my teen boy comes home sobbing after dbag dropped him off. He said there was a bra in the backseat of dad’s car. I talked to dbag about it during a coparenting session and he loses it. Completely went psycho in front of the therapist. Thank God we were on Zoom because he was red-hot with rage. If we were in person, he would’ve thrown me out the window. He just kept saying “That is not my bra!” Uh…duh…nobody thinks it’s your bra. Idiot.

        • His lack of explanation is so ridiculous that it made me laugh. When we catch their lie, they look so ridiculous and pitiable. I have a very long list of ridiculous lies I heard from someone who stabbed me from my back for months. (When I questioned his love you messages, he said why do you think this is problem, everyone says love you to each other). What a liar.

    • Oh and also the synched “work” calendars that he got mixed up and showing some personal trips to Hawaii. I almost forgot that one. Hilarious the day he couldn’t make it to the kids school holiday show because he was “working” (on vacation in Hawaii with OW). It was still very early days in separation and I sat next to his parents through the show pretending not to know where he was because I was so embarrassed. Fun times. He always thought he was so clever, but he was just shameless.

      • My Fuckwit sent me text that was supposed to go to his OW
        “Don’t make curry anymore, got you something else”
        We were have salmon that night.
        HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

  • Posted it in the wrong chat. I’ll try again:
    I had trusted him more than anyone I knew. I never thought of looking at his phone or computer in 10+ years of marriage. He had told me the passwords himself without me asking. I remember laughing, and saying: what will I do with your passwords?
    I never suspected, but I started seeing weird dreams about him. Him, keeping a big secret from me. Always the same dream.
    I was probably feeling something but ignoring it. I told him about my dreams, not in a serious fashion, just laughing and talking randomly about them, but I saw that he got clearly upset.
    Then I decided to look at his stupid phone…
    Don’t ignore your dreams.

      • Also posted in the same wrong chat the following:

        The dreams… I still don’t have an explanation, if it’s our subconscious or what, but I did get and promptly dismiss a lot of them along the years. But the last one shortly before DDay#1 still makes me wonder. I was desperately holding her hand as she pushed herself further and further into the sea, saying “I want to go, please, let me go”. She can’t swim.

        • That is so eerie! Did you tell her about it? (And was her response to gaslight you?)

          I agree our subconscious knows. Mine was that we went to a maze-like restaurant together, but he never came to sit down at the table. The first 2 nights I had the dream, I wandered through the maze without finding him. The 3rd night I did find him, with someone else.

          • First thing in the morning I called her to see if she was okay (we were temporarily living cities apart as a covid arangement; it was at the beggining of the pandemics) and to beg her to see if it would be possible for her to take a leave and come be with us (she wasn’t quite in the front line, no contact with patients, but she working at a hospital made me scared for her). I attributed my bad dream to my worries for her health and her being far away from the kids and alone (she wasn’t). Her answer, if I recall it correctly, was that she was okay at it wasn’t a good time to talk (as per usual). I hve never brought this up again till today.

            The maze-like restaurant and finding him with someone else the 3rd day I think is way more rich in specifics. Your unconscious has done a pretty good job in protecting you, TruthBeTold. Hope you are felling safe and in peace now. Sweet dreams!

          • Oh wow, I had a restaurant dream too! We were going to a restaurant together FW and I. We get seated and he immediately gets up because he saw someone he knew. I start looking at the menu and when I look up he is nowhere to be seen. I wait a long time and he is still not back. That’s when I realize that I can leave, I don’t have to stay and wait for him, so I do.

  • My legally acceptable options for snooping were very restrict by my country’s law.
    Pretty much anything I could do in terms of electronic devices is deemed illegal or abusive, and I refrained from these methods. I mean as simple things as using a known password to unlock her phone. I didn’t want trouble and she is hell-bent on causing me trouble.
    I had to rely big time on my liar cheating XW’s account of events (ha!). But her sheer stupidity and her low opinion of my emotional intelligence helped a lot and I was able to collect or at least see some hard physical evidence of sexual and financial infidelity. Also, she’s got sloppy during the lockdown.

    But there was a single moment that I wish I could have overcome my qualms. It was the morning of Dday#2 when I surprised her coming home from a motel. I was with the kids in another city the day before and she wasn’t expecting to see me in our home any time soon. I left the kids with my parents and hopped on a bus overnight. She gave me *lots* of far-fetched, mutually-contradictory excuses and staunchly refused to show me her phone. At one point she ran off and locked herself in the bathroom to delete messages but I had a spare key (is this illegal? Was I being abusive? Invading her privacy? I really don’t know LOL. Had the key just in case one of our autistic kids gets locked in from inside, but it came in handy. I guess I was not in my best behaviour on a DDay, so fuck this). A looooong conversation filled with class A+ mindfuckery later and she still refused to show me the messages from the night before. *It would hurt me too much*, she said. I settled for she admitting who she was fucking and for how long and I would end the conversation and leave. Since I already knew, I accepted the response and left (I had texted the piece of shit OM 2 days prior; he threatened me, then denied everything, but I didn’t buy it).

    My point is: I am pretty sure that if I was able to read the messages between the two of them, my respect for her would have instantly plummetted to a depth that would render any try at a later reconciliation impossible. I would have become instantly immune to further mindfuck, I guess. It would have spared me a lot of time and suffering.

    Fact is I have never got to witness any of their exchanges except for a few “professional” ones. That way, her saintly aura was somehow still holding up in my imagination. My oldest son only got to hear the insults between them when the fairy tale was over (and it did end ugly). So I have this enormous blank in my life story that I will never be able to fill (Joseph’s letter, I know, I am cutting this crap right now, thanks Joe!). Fortunately, I care less and less each day. I know what I need to know. But today, reading those deleted messages maybe could make for a good belly-laugh, I don’t know.

  • Back in the dark ages of 2013, the Ex and I both had limited texting on our accounts (250 per month). He started blowing through his two months in a row, and when I asked him about it, he gave me some BS excuse. I finally logged onto the account to see the details, and there were hundreds of texts to the same number. His married AP was a little smarter than him, and had gotten a burner phone. When I confronted him, he said it was a friend from work. So I checked his phone in the middle of the night, and saw all the sexting, complete with pics. His phone passcode was his birthday. Thank goodness he’s not the sharpest tool in the garden shed…

  • 1st D-day, 12 years ago, we shared a desktop computer, he left his page opened with Craigslist personal ad. Of course, he denied, deflected, and convinced me it was a one time thing and would never happen again…like an idiot, I stayed. 2nd and final D-day, I woke up from an afternoon nap as he was outside cutting grass. Staring @ him, I thought, I know damn well you are cheating on me and, almost as if in a trance, I went upstairs, found an email address in his sock drawer and oh shit, everything was there! An Adult Friend Finder Acct, nude selfies, hookups with strangers; and I discovered my husband of 37 years was a closet bisexual. I read all about it, because the asshole never learned the art of deletion… I don’t know if I’ll ever get over that discovery, but, thanks to CL and CN, I hope Tuesday comes soon.

  • He signed up for a Matchmaking service and accidentally forwarded the welcome message to my phone.

    Not to mention the naked girl pics he left around on his computer, on which we keep shared photo files,

  • There was that time I knew he was up to stuff so I put 2 keyloggers on his laptop, knowing he would find one.

    He did, uninstalled it and LAUGHED IN MY FACE about it.

    But he didn’t even think to check if there was more than one. And I busted him red-handed typing one-handed.

    Idiot.

  • Cheaters have no shame. They either want to get caught or don’t think they can be caught.

    I remember this from earlier this year
    https://www.chumplady.com/2021/07/caught-him-on-the-doggycam/

    Luckily doggycamqueen was already divorcing him.

    All technology has shown me is an unsolicited facebook video of my ex crooning La Vie En Rose off key and with a truly embarrassing accent in a suburban hairdressing salon. #cannotbeunseen

  • ears ago, when iPhone came out with the “Find My Friends” app, I convinced my husband to allow me to follow his location. We had just been through an earth quake, and at my request, we were strategizing a disaster plan. He resisted the “Find My Friends” app rather strenuously, but since I was always exactly where I said I was going to be (or where I said I had been), I didn’t see the big deal. The Cheating Abusive Douche finally capitulated, with rather poor grace.

    One night he was late coming home from work with no phone call, and I checked the “Find My Friends” app to find him about two miles away, in a residential district. He told me one of the paramedics on his team had had car trouble, so he had given “him” a ride home, and was going to pick “him” up in the morning to go back to work. I accepted the excuse, but asked him to call me in the future if he was going to be late. (A considerate spouse would have done that anyway. He wasn’t a considerate spouse.

    The next time the app found him other than where I expected him, he convinced me that the app was inaccurate at times, and it was just a fluke. There was the time he told me he was out on our boat, and he was late coming back . . . “Find my Friends” had him in the same residential district about two miles from our home. Again, he convinced me it was Apple’s fault — Apple Maps was inaccurate; the “find My Friends app was off. I trusted him, so I spackled. “Find my Friends” never got my location so far wrong, but I trusted him. Then there was the day he was “out kayaking.” I’d recently had surgery and couldn’t go with him. When he was late coming back, I was a little worried. When he wasn’t back by dark, I was a LOT worried, and when the “Find My Friends” app showed him at least half a mile offshore in the shipping lane, I was frantic. I tried calling him, but it immediately went to voice mail and then his location dropped off. Could he have dropped his phone overboard trying to answer it? (Yeah, that was spackle, but he HAD done that a time or two.) I called the Coast Guard and when he showed up an hour later, I had to call them back and tell them to call off the search; he was home. And then I accepted his story that he had kayaked to the mouth of the creek we lived on, but he had never gone half a mile offshore, and that was just the fudge factor in the “Find My Friends” app. He had turned off his phone to save the battery. He said it was harder paddling home than he thought after the tide turned. I don’t know why, but I checked my Tides app . . . . All of you chumps know where that was going — it was a damned lie. BUT, BUT, But “John has a boat.” He didn’t tell me about the boat because he didn’t want me to be jealous, because “you know how jealous you are.” (Actually, I wasn’t. I made up my mind early in the relationship that I wasn’t going to worry about cheating unless there was a reason to worry about it, and if there was a reason to worry about him cheating, I needed to reassess whether I needed to be in the relationship at all.)

    I trusted my husband. I loved him; I wanted to believe him. But now I was beginning to be suspicious. The last time I caught him with FMF, he said he was going to the grocery store, and low and behold, the app had him two miles away, in the residential district. This time, I believed the app. I didn’t confront him, though, because I was already lining up my ducks in a row to leave him because of the ongoing verbal and emotional abuse which had suddenly turned physical. It turns out that one of the paramedics on his team actually did live there, EXACTLY where “Find My Friends” kept placing him. Only it wasn’t a “him.” It was a 22 year old woman. The Cheater was in his 60s.

      • Thank you. He’s in my cell phone contacts as “CAD”. Blocked, but still in the contacts. Maybe it’s time to just ditch it.

  • This is more “the dog that didn’t bark,” in terms of tech. Like a lot of other cheaters, he went from leaving his phone around carelessly to suddenly keeping it on him all the time. But the real tipoff that something had changed was that, being a narcissist, he usually used voice-to-text to dictate all of his texts, all of the time, regardless of whether anyone around was trying to study, watch a show, or anything, because who wouldn’t want to hear his glorious thoughts about any thing he might need to text anyone about, and why should he have to type when dictating is easier, amirite?

    But then suddenly he was typing after all, and not just to send short texts, but for hours at a time, at night. So the clue was the voice-to-texts that didn’t happen. These messages were private and not for the whole house to hear.

    After D-day, he became even more vigilant about the phone, but eventually he forgot and left it unattended, and it was shockingly easy to see everything, the pictures, the things he said to her. I’ll never unsee those things, but I’m glad I got proof of how far things had gone, which was a lot more than what he had confessed to. Though after I told him what I found and said he had been sloppy in hiding it, he just had to boast that they had also used WhatsApp and I didn’t find that. So…ha? I guess.

  • With hindsight, there were lots of signs including that he was treating me disgustingly. The affair with exgfOW has never been admitted. When he went off on his famous ‘headspace’ week ‘ON MY OWN’ shouted at me hysterically out of the blue and only a few days before he was due to go, he took the family car with him. He was very reluctant to tell me where he was staying. I was still grieving my Dad who had died only a few weeks earlier. I was due to take my elderly mother to his grave for the first time on my Dad’s birthday. Instead of using the car I had to take numerous trains and taxis to accomplish that very upsetting task. And had to lie to my mother about where the FW was and why I didn’t have the car. I can still remember sitting on the train on the way home, heading to an empty house with a nauseating knot in the pit of my stomach, in shock and carrying a weight of grief that I thought would crush me flat.

    Meanwhile, FW is ‘finding himself’, frolicking with the sheep, wandering lonely as a cloud in the Lake District. Staring wistfully into the distance like Lord Byron. The weather was horrendous even by our usual standards. Non-stop rain in August in a particularly wet part of the country. FW and his shoe collection (being on his own did not stop him from taking 20 pairs of shoes with him because, hey, those sheep need to be impressed by foot ornamentation) kept in minimal contact with me. The occasional terse text finished with his by now standard purple alien emoji. He returned a day later than planned and immediately told me was leaving me.

    What gave him away on the ‘ON MY OWN’ piece was the imprint of a very large wet bottom on the front passenger seat of our car. It had been so wet while they were away that every time she got in and out of our car her damp bottom left its mark. I’m quite small and it was obviously someone else’s wet bottom stain. In short, it was too gigantic to be my bottom.

    Ex would not admit the affair even after I read an email to him in which he proclaimed his yearning love. His plan was always that the world believed them to have rekindled their teenage love after he left me, both coincidentally having suffered dreadfully from broken marriages with terrible spouses at exactly the same time. Now I can laugh at these tiny minded people and their antics. Ex prided himself on being so individual, ahead of the trends, eclectic, and she is such a bohemian. They are, in fact, tired old cliches. That amuses me.

    • Oh my god, my FW also used to go on “work retreat” weeks to “think” (he is self-employed 🙄). I wasn’t allowed to call him, even though I was taking care of our 2 little kids on my own.

      I remember also right after he told me he was leaving me and I realized it was for someone else, right after the initial shock and pain, I was so angry at him for turning my marriage into such a fucking cliché. They are just all using the same tired old playbook it’s pathetic.

      • Fuckthatshit, the playbook, script, cliche thing is, with the passage of time, a comfort I’ve found. Dumped at 60 after a long marriage for a 53 year old teenage kick! They are not special in any way. And we deserve real monkey love from special monkeys. And perhaps that special real monkey love comes from ourselves to ourselves. That has been the most liberating part of the shitstorm of the breakdown of my marriage.

        • Thanks for the reminder MightyWarrior. It’s a blessing in disguise that I get to save my real monkey love for myself and the people who really matter to me instead of endlessly throwing it into a bottomless pit. And FW will only get what he deserves in the end, karma is coming one way or another because he will always be the same shallow selfish person surrounded by likeminded people.

          To freedom!

      • Mine said he was on a camp taking disabled people surfing. In reality he was five minutes away in a five star apartment day tripping to our family’s favorite beaches with her. She had flew in from 5 hours away. Before this time silly me had thought it was an EA and had asked him to come home. My home computer tried to Bluetooth to said hotels wifi and he was busted. Saw 800 photos on his phone when he handed it to me saying ‘go on check it’ clearly hadn’t logged out gmail photos as it literally went straight there when I pressed the icon. I had asked God that day for a sign to end the confusion, it came at one touch. Threw him out that day and the fuckery continued for two years until I got a restraining order.

    • “Now I can laugh at these tiny minded people and their antics. Ex prided himself on being so individual, ahead of the trends, eclectic, and she is such a bohemian. They are, in fact, tired old clichés. That amuses me.”

      I do believe my fw expected to drag his whore out of the alley right after he left and tell a sad sausage story and they would magically fall in love etc. What happened is someone called the city counsel to lodge a complaint against him for ethics violation. He petitioned for a raise for the whore who was his direct report and whoever called in the complaint said he had been sneaking around with her for several years. All the while lying to the brass and pretty much everyone else. (someone always knows)

      He got to eat his own shit sandwich about a year later when he was demoted, and kicked back out on the street. I have no doubt those Captains bars and being the mayors right hand man, that I had helped him attain; meant more to him than anything in his life.

      Yeah, won’t lie; that put a little bounce in my step for a few days.

  • The woman who posted this video: shouldn’t she be ecstatic that her husband recovered so quickly from his illness? I think the visiting nurse we saw on the video must have been a huge help to him.

    It looked like the visiting nurse was carrying a Tylenol capsule for him that he took directly from her mouth. Seems normal to me.

  • Oooh pick me pick me!! Among MANY other things…after long fake Rec I mentioned as a joke that they really didn’t need TWO email accounts.

    So second time around the POS & OW shared an account so everything was saved in draft folder. So when I found out and required the login if he was going to stay, I got visibility into any search history or YouTube viewing by either of them anytime they just closed a browser without logging out.

    A mountain of golden nuggets in there, including my favorites…him watching Grand Theft Auto cartoon porn and how-to videos for learning how to not suck in bed, OW getting her pricey wedding ring appraised and shopping for synthetic stones to secretly replace in her ring!

    Her now x husband was very appreciative. 😂

  • My ex cheated on me early in our relationship, and I took him back. Then Dday 2 came, and I took him back again. I had zero self-esteem or confidence. I didn’t want him back, but I didn’t know how to get rid of him. I couldn’t bear the stress of policing the relationship. I couldn’t bear the thought that he would cheat again. I ignored the sudden 24-7 attachment he developed for his cell phone. I ignored him staying up all night out in his workshop. I ignored his sudden interest in driving four hours to visit his parents every few weeks. What I couldn’t ignore was when he logged into Facebook messenger on the computer in the house and left it logged in. I saw messages popping up and finally realized that something was seriously wrong. Once I started looking, I found all the evidence I needed. I remember reading an exchange between ex and OW where ex told her that I didn’t snoop, and she said neither did her husband. So actually, he wasn’t even trying very hard to hide the cheating. He thought I was too innocent or stupid to realize something was going on. Ex also began writing in a paper journal because the OW thought it would help him. I found it and read the entire thing. Page after page of how OW had brought light back into his life and gave him a reason to live. He would write these things then read them to her. I took the journal and boy did he go ballistic. Ha! I took it to Staples and copied the whole thing. If he tried to gaslight me about anything he had written, I had hard copy proof. He even had the dates listed when he had been with her in person and what they did. From hugging to kissing to full sex. It hurt to see it, but it was what I needed to understand that I had nothing to work with, and that I never did.

  • Found out my husband of 40 years was having his affair by video security cameras outside our second home. Was totally chipped. Had no idea. Videos told the whole story. Yup in our own home with pictures of the grandkids all around. Divorced and watching my life get better everyday while he’s still with his whore. Kids won’t meet her or let her around the grandkids. Life sucks for him right now. Had lost respect of family and friends. Karma baby!!!!

    • I think most of these folks lose the respect of a lot of folks. Even if we don’t get to see it.

      Seriously who with any sense of decency wants to spend a lot of time around known liars and con artists; and that is what most of them are.

      I get that that rare unicorn who turns his/her life around exists; but well; unicorns says it all.

  • Let’s see… there were emails in the computer he didn’t log out of. There was a live FB chat between klootak and an AP which popped up before me live as it was happening as he was logged into the laptop I opened to use while he was signed in and chatting her up from elsewhere. There was a burner phone filled with emails and texts. There was the time I tried to text a friend of ours to ask him the name of a great restaurant we had gone to with him the year before only to find that the phone number klootzak had listed in contacts under the friend’s name went to an AP. I should say potential AP as she had no idea he was married and then proceeded to give me his secret phone number, email address, and other user names on dating sites he had used to contact her. All of that landed in my lap when I was 7 months pregnant.

    There was also the time when Find a Friend showed he was not out for a run but on a romantic picnic with an AP at a park nearby. Also, as I uploaded our child’s first day of school pics to our household common photo drive, I found his phone had auto-uploaded his recent pics of himself half naked for what I presume were profile pics or pics to APs as well as selfies of himself with our son which I could tell by his creepy grin were being sent to APs and also photos of the APs and their kids.

    And those are just the technology busts that happened on accident when I wasn’t snooping or being the marriage police. It’s sickening that if you live with a FW, you can’t just get on the computer or go to find a photo without finding this crap. The contact with the wrong number, that number was in contacts on his old iPod we had used with an app for me to track baby kicks and other things related to my pregnancy. I had no idea there was anything on it weird. Apparently it was on the same Apple log on as his phone so the contacts list would sync with his phone. It had not crossed my mind a person would put AP phone numbers under names of people we knew. I came to realize that until he leaves, I can’t freely use technology in my home without risking finding more to disgust me.

  • Actually, most recently, it was my technology that backfired on me!

    Despite my secret cellphone, secret email, and secret PO address, my cheater husband discovered I was trying to serve him because he overheard me talking to my father on the front porch through our Nest doorbell.

    I thought he no longer had access to it but I was wrong.

    So, he hasn’t been home since October 22, not even to see our five kids. He only spoke to them now on the phone after two months because he heard we all got COVID.

    He’s been overseas withdrawing thousands in cash and transferring our assets. He’s still supporting us financially but doing NO parenting and plenty of secret deals, while trying to appear like a concerned parent via text.

    My lawyer has been working on “alternate service” but this process is so slow.

    • Darn ! Tech is changing and improving so quickly we’ll be reduced to not uttering words (Alexa hears everything) and writing on paper then shredding each page 🤣

  • FW used PayPal to pay his trans hooker. He didn’t realize a PayPal charge on his checking account statement lists the person paid via PayPal. $200. At the time he wasn’t contributing to our babies daycare costs or paying the mortgage mind you. A quick google search of the very obviously sexual fake name revealed an OnlyFans account of a hooker in the next town over. Pretty hilarious now. Life lesson: use cash for your hookers

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