My identical twin sister recently confessed to me that she has been cheating on her husband. We were out with two other girlfriends and talking about relationships (one of our girlfriends just divorced a cheater and we were celebrating her freedom from that douche canoe) and my sister said, “My husband is the love of my life, but he isn’t the passion of my life.”
When I heard that, I thought what kind of bullshit statement is that? But I’m thinking, whatever, we are drinking and having girl talk. She was explaining how she felt physically neglected and unfulfilled in the bedroom.
Her husband is on anti-anxiety medicine and it has lowered his libido, so he is not as interested in sex as her. Also when they do have sex she doesn’t get an orgasm. She is very resentful of him because he isn’t a better lover and said she has tried to talk to him, but he hasn’t gotten better in the bedroom. She also doesn’t like he is too “vanilla” because apparantly she is some freaky sex goddess that any other man wish their wife could be.
She says she has accepted she will never have an orgasm when she is with him and will only have sex with him when he wants because she is so awesome that she is still willing to do her wifely duties no matter how unenjoyable that task is for her.
She said she started talking to men online. After a particularly unfulfilling lovemaking session her husband said something like “you enjoyed it right” and that was the last straw for her. What an abusive asshole, ami right? She was mad it wasn’t obvious to him she didnt get off from it. So that was what made her decide to contact the 21-year-old that wanted to sex her up. So she has seen that guy a few times. She also sees a guy from down south when he comes up once month to our city for work. And she sometimes sees this rich man at his house when his wife goes away for work. And there is an old dude she will meet that can’t always get it up but he loves giving oral and poor thing his wife of over three decades doesn’t like that. My twin sister is more enlightened than her, so of course she will let him do it to her. So that’s four different men….so far. There would be a fifth, but he lives in Scotland so I’m sure it’s harder to come up with an excuse to leave the continent. I don’t know how she finds the time.
I am very disappointed in my twin. I love her and she is my best friend. Nobody is perfect, but my brother-in-law treats her with respect and I believe he is dedicated and faithful to her. Even she says he is good to her and if he wasn’t such a dud in the bedroom she wouldn’t be cheating on him. She talks as if he drove her to it, but this isn’t the first time she has cheated. She cheated on her first boyfriend and I know she cheated on another one. Unfortunately, I think she will always find a reason to be unfaithful.
I tried having a come to Jesus with her. I was firm and blunt when explaining all the ways this is messed up. I don’t think she really cares. She texted me the next day telling me the old dude paid for her mani and pedi. She said “Does that make me a sugar baby? lol”. I called her up and told her end it, don’t keep doing this until her husband finds out, this will crush him.
My husband thinks what she is doing is awful and it will be hard to face the brother-in-law at family gatherings, but he says don’t get involved. Not my marriage. My sister says she loves him, but can you really love someone you would betray in this way? Luckily, they have no children. They have struggled with infertility. They have gone through two failed IVF attempts. From the timeline she has given me she started talking to men when she was going through the last treatment.
Should I just let this go? Am I letting myself get too involved? I don’t want to ruin my relationship with my sister, even though she sucks for being a cheater, I still love her. But what she is doing to her husband is unconsionable.
What should be more important to me… my relationship with my identical twin sister or telling my brother in law he is a chump?
Not a Cheating Twin
Dear Not a Cheating Twin,
Wrong question. This is not a contest between fealty to your sister or to your brother-in-law — it’s a question about your relationship with yourself. Who are you? What are YOUR values?
Your piece-of-shit sister has made you party to her abuse of your BIL. Sorry, it is VERY much your business. When she opened her mouth about her “freaky sex goddess” escapades, she enlisted you in her conspiracy.
She ASSUMED, based on kinship and shared history, your collusion and continued silence. Fuck your feelings, fuck your values, and fuck your awkward family dinners. She has unilaterally decided to make you her accomplice. And you can either accept that poison chalice, or you can refuse it.
You wrote to me — so you know I’m going to tell you to refuse it. I am NOT the person who is going to give you an excuse to keep a chump in the dark.
I tried having a come to Jesus with her. I was firm and blunt when explaining all the ways this is messed up. I don’t think she really cares.
Oh really? Then she won’t mind you telling your brother-in-law what up then, will she? It’s no big deal!
Her husband is on anti-anxiety medicine
Maybe because your sister cheats on him, gaslights him, and tells him he’s a lousy lay? I can’t imagine how that might give a person anxiety.
She is very resentful of him because he isn’t a better lover and said she has tried to talk to him, but he hasn’t gotten better in the bedroom. She also doesn’t like he is too “vanilla”…
Vanilla is not a crime. (Assuming this is even true. Chumps often ask for chocolate mint chip only to find that cheaters are dishing out the ice cream elsewhere.) Your BIL’s bedroom “failings” are not proportionate to the punishment: STD risk, psychological abuse, the sunk costs of trying to start a family with a fraud.
If your sister wants to work out her sexual dissatisfaction, there are ethical ways to go about it, including direct conversations, therapists, instructional youtube videos, and battery-operated appliances. Failing that, divorce lawyers.
Your BIL cannot be a smorgasbord of dick.
But this really isn’t about your BIL, it’s about your sister’s need for deceit. That’s the turn on — the power imbalance and her imagined superiority. She’s better in bed than her husband. She’s better than Oral Man’s wife. She’s deserving of cheating on her spouse, unlike the chump girlfriend whose divorce you were celebrating. (Can you imagine how awful that conversation was for HER?) Oh, and she’s better than you. More sophisticated. More sexually adventuresome. Less judgy.
And you’re all supposed to listen to this garbage and do what? Celebrate her?
she sometimes sees this rich man at his house when his wife goes away for work
Wow. What a member of the universal sisterhood. What a trailblazer. That woman goes to work (Who’s rich? He’s rich?) so your sister can fuck her husband. You all are supposed to do what? Emulate her lifestyle? Admire this shit?
I am very disappointed in my twin… Nobody is perfect.
I’m very disappointed there isn’t a new season of Derby Girls. I am DISGUSTED by your sister. Horrified, alarmed, appalled… And “perfect” isn’t the standard. Your sister lacks basic human decency.
You’ve only got mild disapproval? This calls for four-alarm WTF.
Luckily, they have no children. They have struggled with infertility. They have gone through two failed IVF atempts. From the timeline she has given me she started talking to men when she was going through the last treatment.
Do NOT let your BIL waste his one precious life trying to start a family with this cheating freak. Tell him before he’s more deeply invested, and has to paternity test his future offspring. He has spent untold thousands of dollars and immeasurable heartache trying to have children with a serial cheater. Do you think there is a BETTER time to tell him?
I don’t want to ruin my relationship with my sister
Okay. You can continue your relationship of complete phoniness and conspiracy with her abuse. How’s that sit with you?
All the relationship ruining falls squarely on her. She ruined her relationship with her husband by fucking around on him. She ruined her relationship with you by pressing you into a secret and creating a burden you shouldn’t have to bear. The asshole here is your sister.
Tell your BIL he’s a chump today. Your sister complains? Tell her you did it for her orgasms.
Free her from vanilla! Bring on the mani pedis!
Oh, you weren’t supposed to make a unilateral decision about her life?