Tell Me How You’re Mighty, Pandemic Edition When-TF-Ever This Ends
I don’t know about you, but I could sure use a shot of CN mightiness about now.
Did anyone get a cute puppy or finalize a divorce? Did a surly teenager suddenly say something warm and affirming? Are you having a good hair day?
I’ll take any mightiness, any at all — and I know you guys have deep wells of the stuff. From holy-shit-storm resilience to sane parenting badassery.
Don’t feel left out if you don’t have some I Overcame Obstacles saga of triumph. I’ll take any overcome obstacle — you showered, your pajama bottoms still fit, you didn’t die of homeschooling.
I’ll take 17 straight minutes of no contact, 42 seconds since your last skein untangling, or 14 minutes of raging alone in the closet instead of at your ex.
It’s January, there’s still a pandemic, so we’re setting the bar at Hey, I’m Still Kicking.
In my mightiness report, my Wordle run is unbroken. (Got it in 4 today. Not a banner day, but not too shabby.) And… I almost dare not put this out there… I don’t want to jinx it… this damn CL site redesign is built and I’m in the approval stages. It’s just been, what? OVER A YEAR.
I had to fire the first developer, who crashed the site, blasted all the draft files out, and then when I freaked, sent me a picture of her chocolate milk. I wish I was making this up. Then I got in line with an actual professional… and after a shit ton of behind the scenes work, it’s now in staging. I’ll write about what’s coming and when in another post, but THANK YOU for your patience and support, and a million thanks to the translator chumps who put the foreign language sites together.
I feel rather mighty that it’s almost over.
Also, my pajama bottoms still fit. #winning
TGIF!
I went back to work and divorced the cheater after being a stay at home mom and epic multi-time chump for many years. All during a pandemic!
Any advice for this SAHM, planning to leave?
Woot! And we start this post with a very high bar. 🙂
Yes Millie! Me too! Super anxious about money though.
Trying to tame my anxiety. 26yrs married,out of paid workforce for 16 freaking years. Basically starting at the bottom.
Overit – I’m in the same boat. Been a stay-at-home parent for 17 years now. Had two job interviews today – the first since 2003. Feelin’ them nerves too!
Oh you can do it! That kept me stuck there for years! It’s so much better on the other side, even if you are struggling financially. That was my fear also!!! We are mighty and figure it out! I went from being the bread winner to nothing and now I still make almost nothing. It’s worth it…struggling financially is so much easier even though it doesn’t seem like it now! I am poor and so much happier! I started dating cheater when I was just 15. I have 2 young children(one with a major heart defect that has had open heart surgery and need regular expensive medal care), I live my life on my terms now and it is so much better! Still hard but a different hard because you are not counting on someone who doesn’t have your back to help you.
You said “I’ll take any mightiness”, so I guess my status report is:
3 weeks of fresh NC after ex-gf wished me a happy new year (and I took the bait).
4 months since D-Day and leaving her.
During that time I only stayed off from work for about two weeks (all days combined). I work, keep my apartment clean, eat and shower.
Had several therapy sessions and seeing a psychiatrist in february.
Here’s to a good 2022 and resolute end to Covid stuff.
Wait, can someone redefine NC for us chumps that bred with fuckwits? I have to talk to that moron for basic kid-crap but I would love to feel the victory of how many days without showing them that they triggered me. Can I count NC days as in the # of days I effectively held Grey Rock status?
TSiNMS,
I bred with a FW and have 3 under 3 with her. My NC oscillates between NC and Grey Rock ( which is “friendly and amiable for the children” ). Problem is? Twu Wuv doesn’t want me around ( he’s jealous of me ) so at the moment pure NC. My advice, do what makes you an awesome sane parent and let the courts do the rest ( long haul marathon for me ). So if your life is somewhere between NC and Grey Rock then be mighty there.
CN knowledge tells me FWs will jump between partners forever and the children give them a nice 90 degree line to triangulate back to you with more drama and narc behavior. It’s the worst shit sandwich you can ever imagine, so I put a lot of Tabasco and cheese on it as I choke it down and think of the kids. They want an awesome parent, so I’ll eat that sandwich but I will not engage with the FW beyond what the court orders. Hope your kids are doing great.
Absolutely, I do!
Psychiatrists are specialist medical doctors, so yes, part of what they do, when appropriate, is to prescribe medication.
What an interesting idea, to cure, say, suicidal depression with Cross Fit. I get that exercise is great for mental health – I myself view outdoors, fresh air jogging as part of mental wellness even more than for physical health – but medication is a valuable tool in the medical arsenal and can be life-changing, if not life-saving in many, many cases.
That is dangerous, irresponsible misinformation you are promulgating.
This is misinformation and contributes to the stigmatization of mental health issues.
Medication can be a good option for some – and not every psychiatrist will prescribe to everyone they see. The person I saw as a teenager never mentioned drugs.
CWLI,
Sounds pretty mighty. Keep up the good work of no contact and remember she sucks. All the mighty you do even in the basics ( cleaning, working, mental health, …) are the key to your life. Take care of you and good will come your way. Hint— your ex is not good, so when she Hoovers you, just put her in the bin with the leftovers and cat litter. Go get it in 2022. Rooting for you.
No contact for 22 months
Created and maintain cozy home
Divorced one year
Retired 18 months
Walk with friends(s) three times a week
Walked away from uncomfortable/unequal relationships
Gained some pandemic pounds, but best health in decades
Volunteer with five different groups
Vaccinated, boosted, masked and not putting up with shit from anyone
IcanseeTuesday – Love your list! Mighty and inspiring.
Amen to walking away from uncomfortable / unequal relationships. Turns out it wasn’t just my marriage that was unbalanced. Unlearning old social habits takes time. Brava!
Good for you !
You are my hero, I can see…. impressive self-care and a model for moving on!
I finished grad school (something ex-FW bitched about) a year ago…I’m like CL’s super woman in the cape making good moolah & have a great job….and just yesterday bought my dream car (my kids are agape that I did this all on my own)!! Now I can zoom past my ex-fucker with a smile & my middle finger laughing all the way….
Turned 65. Took my grandkids for a spin in a red mustang covertible ( weekend rental) music booming – it was a blast! This would never have happened with the ex-Wet Blanket. He hated communal fun
Yay!
And if we ever end up at a traffic light at the same time, I’m gonna challenge him to a race. He’s got no chance ????
I recently bought me a “big girl” car. My husband and kids were impressed. That car shows your mightiness!
I bought my first new car solo last year. Did all the research, negotiating, everything. My Ruby is the prettiest and most luxurious car I’ve ever owned. I gave my 16 year old daughter my car – no help or offer of help from her dad. So now I own 2 cars, and am responsible for both. Taught my daughter how to do as few things with it.
I once had a car I called Ruby, too!
Very cool!
“Ruuuu-uuu-by,
Don’t take your love to town”
????????
I remember how good it felt to buy my own little car. We were actually still legally separated. But, I only had my own credit to go on. I figured I would have to have my brother sign for me.
Any way it was a late model Nova (which was a corolla with a Chevy body) I had always wanted a Corolla, but fw didn’t like foreign cars. Anyway this was perfect, and I had it checked by a mechanic. I went to do the deal, and I told them my brother would co sign, but I really would like to do it on my own. He said you can do it by yourself, you have excellent credit, and you earned it as much as the ex did.
Thank you Dan Young Chevy.
So I got it, bought the extended warranty (which, {thankfully} I never had to use) Paid it off in two years, and kept the car for several years after I paid it off. I went ahead an put the monthly car payments in the bank each month after it was paid off; and could pay cash for my next car.
Meanwhile in fuckwitville, ex was cheating on whore, (they had separated twice) he was gambling big time, and within a few years he had gambled up a massive debt; and he and whore had to file BR. His first, her second. I only know because my son and daughter in law told me.
That’s impressively mighty!
Driving that car was so easy and fun. I had been driving a large Cadillac. My fw just had to have it. It was and older caddy he had bought from good friends. I looked like a midget driving a semi. Hated that big bus.
Oh and two days after I turned it over to fw, he came back and said the hood ornament was missing. I said it was on there when I handed it over. He said I am not sure it was. I said you are a police officer, you would have noticed it right off.
Truth was I had no idea if it was there or not. But, he was living in an apartment complex in a shady area, I suspect it got stolen the second night he had it. He was hinting for me to pay for it. He truly would have noticed it, he didn’t miss anything; it was in large part how he was able to con so many folks for so long.
I told him, I am not paying for it, but I gave you the entire tax return, so consider it prepaid.
I wish I had put small bits of rotted fish in hard to find places, like my brother suggested. I didn’t. I am sure he and whore spread their fish scent all over it.
Finally had mediation and it was a terrible process but a decent outcome. Got a cat! (Ex is allergic so we could never get one before) Kids are so happy with the kitten and she’s good company when they’re not here.
My cats give me more love and attention then my cheating ex ever did. I even feed strays in my yard who need help. Unconditional love from these furry God’s creatures deserve it. Never received that in 35 years married!
Bless you and stay strong ????
I said goodbye to my cat Humphrey a year ago (don’t be sad, he had a great 20-year run) – and the last thing I whispered to him as he was sedated and falling asleep, right before I told him I loved him, was “you were right about [my first husband].” Humphrey hated him from the start and I came to realize that there were good reasons for it. They are wiser than they get credit for.
My beloved, incomparable cat completely hated my ex-husband too. Wisdom beyond words. So, so glad you had Humphrey. They know.
@sleepyhead @ArisocraticChump
I should have paid more attention when my husky hated Cheater #1. I was travelling for work and in hindsite, I figure he was probably treating her and our other dog poorly while he chased ass. Wish I could turn back time so the poor dogs weren’t in that situation.
I got a cat during Covid too. A cuddle buddy that doesn’t lie, cheat, or spend his whole 401k on motorcycles.
❤❤❤
Thanks to the pandemic I was able to finally sit my state board exam from home (could never affor the traveling expenses & time-off before) in 2020 ! I have been a practicing Psychologist since 🙂
I have yet to out-earn anybody, however…
It’s not how much you earn, it’s the life you live with what you have!
Congratulations!!
Got a golden retriever named Kevin and two kittens Todd and Lisa. Kevin is a sweet heart. Todd and Lisa are monsters (except when they are sleeping).
I love the name of your new pets! Haha! Made me chuckle.
Ohh…I thought my getting two kitties (Tuesday & Tony) in the last year was a bundle but 3 sweeties…you take the fur-baby trophy! ????????
love the people names. I’ve got a Jeff. His tag reads, “I am Jeff” b/c one time he got away and I started getting weird phone calls from someone looking to talk to Jeff…. took me a while to connect the dots.
Stopped sleeping with fw. Making him move out today. I feel the untangling of my trauma bond skein, slowly but surely. Losing all of the mushy feelings for him.
Blenderhead,
That is a big huge deal! Good for you for insisting he move out. Very mighty. Keep coming back to CL!
If you are losing the mushy feelings and reading CL, you’re in good shape. For me, those two things signified that I’d broken the cycle, after YEARS of rinse and repeat. Act now and don’t look back.
Navigator
Todd and Lisa were brother and sister. I couldn’t separate them.
That’s a familiar name combo, Lisa and Todd. Was that on Saturday Night Live a long time ago? My memory is fuzzy….
Yes! Bill Murray and Gilda Radner.
Yep Todd and Lisa SNL.
Remember how Mrs Loopner played by Jane Curtain would say that poor Mr Loopner was born without a spine. As a tween when that aired I didn’t get the joke. As a full grown adult, I see I married a man who at some point became spineless.
I love that you named one of them ‘Tuesday’!!
Started to love myself once again after I left my cheater. During this pandemic, I made my mental, emotional, spiritual and physical wellness a priority, after years of ignoring myself to please ex-FW. I lost 50lbs, became stronger emotionally and physically than I ever knew I was capable of, all while running my law firm and raising 2 toddlers on my own. I took a side job as an adjunct law professor at my alma mater and discovered how much I love teaching and mentoring. I took up guitar lessons – a lifelong goal of mine. I am currently training for a multi-day bike ride to raise money for a non-profit.
Oh, and once I started loving myself and making myself a priority, I met the most wonderful man – a former chump himself – and I have seen what real partnership in a relationship is like.
Leaving my cheater is the best thing I’ve ever done
Way to be mighty! My jaw was already dropped at “running my law firm and raising 2 toddlers on my own”, tough stuff, but the other things you mention… just amazing.
I too love teaching, it saved my life and is keeping me sane during this time of social isolation (both things I owe to CL and CN as well, big time). Very happy that the summer break is over and I get to interact with my students again, even if it’s still online.
Guitar lessons were my dream too since I was a kid. Maybe one day I’ll be giving it a try since my oldest son is now going to be drummer and maybe he could use a “strictly rythm” guitar player side-kick? I can do *some* chords ????
Cheers!
That is all very freaking mighty
Ex left me and our kids to set up his new fun single life with his big inheritance and drinking buddies. After 4 long years (5 courtroom appearances in front of our Judge, custody and support battles and over 30K in legal fees) our divorce was finalized in 2021! Our daughter legally changed her name to my maiden name! She has not talked to Ex in over 2 years. I bought my own place and moved 30 minutes away from Ex and his goonies. I found my Tuesday in 2019 and met a great guy (who was chumped by his Ex). We are looking forward to our future together. His kids like me and my kids, and my crew likes his too! Ex can enjoy his money and the few times he sees our youngest. When I move out of the State after our youngest graduates high school, all 3 kids will relocate as well. He screwed me mentally and financially (as I will need to work for many years to dig out of the financial hole) but I have the unconditional love of my kids and a great new man! Better days are ahead for me!
THIS, like you are telling my story, My 10 year old daughter asked if she could hyphen with my maiden name. We were finally dissolved at 5 years last week. I don’t have a new partner, too much focus on keeping myself intact, my kiddo from falling apart, and work. However, the mighty feels good when it all over. I have not received my final legal bill. Worried about that.
Name changes are on the horizon for my girls as well. I’ve never stopped being mad that women give up their NAMES at marriage. If that’s not a setup, I don’t know what is.
OMG so much this. And when I got the discard and “I never wanted to get married anyway” speech, I was like, you insisted I change my name to yours, that’s how serious marriage was to you at the time. As a young feminist, I always thought I never would, but he made a very persuasive argument that everyone in a family should have the same name to show that they’re a family, and I wouldn’t want to have a different name than our kids. I wanted us all to take a combined hyphenated name, like the cool feminist college professor I really admired and her husband did, but he said that would offend his family, and family is so important to him. Turns out that was all crap too, the family-man thing was just a cover for the life he really cares about.
I nursed my beautiful daughter back from anorexia, and helped my son manage and hopefully combat suicidal thoughts and actions. I managed a full fledged mental health crisis during a time where I could hardly function due the nature of my marriage relationship. I am starting to slowly accept that it is abuse. Thank you for your extremely helpful and insightful website.
You are a hero.
Whatever the nature of your marriage relationship, since it seems to be hurting your and your kids’ mental health, chances are you’re indeed being abused, if you don’t mind me giving my unsolicited and non-expert opinion. Assess the situation and leave if you find this is the case.
Wish you and your kids strength, healing, peace and better days ahead.
this. is. mightiness.
Wow! Congratulations on helping your children tackle those beasts! Wishing you all continued success and well-being! ????????????
Thank you so much!
Finally made a will – just 2 weeks ago. Divorced almost 10 years yet kept procrastinating on this step. A weight has been lifted.
Good on you Hurt1 !
Cheater died without a Will and my midlife remarriage finances are complicated and require a nuanced document to make sure that my kids keep their proper share of what their dad left behind (new husband has 4x what I have and a lone child who will do just fine without my money).
I have the slowest lawyer in the universe but we’re making steps to draft the document my kids/grandson need.
Turned 50. Divorce was final after 2.5 years and 9 continuances. Started work in the perfect job for me after being a SAHM for 21 years. Reconnected with a HS friend and having a lovely long-distance romance. 🙂 Feeling (dare I say) happy, confident and sexy. Oh, and Tuesday arrived and it is glorious.
LTT – It’s good for me to hear about SAHMs getting back into the paying workforce, as I’m trying to do just that. First job interview today in over 18 years. Feeling just a wee bit intimidated. Thanks for sharing.
No engagement in any form with the STBX for six months. Auto response set up on ant email coming in from him that says please go through attorney for any issue you may have. This pisses him off and tends to cut him off since he discovered what his whines cost him.
Court date set up (not planned but it falls on a Tuesday).
Have a great attorney with a solid plan.
Totally trust that the STBX sucks
Got a pay raise at work
Weeded out friends that were not real friends
“No engagement in any form with the STBX for six months. Auto response set up on ant email coming in from him that says please go through attorney for any issue you may have. This pisses him off and tends to cut him off since he discovered what his whines cost him.”
You’re living the dream, CFANM. I hope you can go on with this style of communicatiom forever after your Tuesday.
Best of luck and congratulations!
Wow – that is major progress CFANM. I love the Tuesday date
I went back to reading my book stash, during the worst of the Pandemic.
The worst thing to come out of the Pandemic is the loss of my brother and his wife on the same day, last Feb. It has been a long year with slowed down processes. We finally had their service 28 Dec. It was difficult to leave them, but I am glad we got them where they wanted to be.
The best thing to come out of the last year, is the sweet little dog we adopted. Several years ago when my brother first got this little guy, his first dog ever since we were kids; he asked me if I would take care of him if anything ever happened to him. Who knew?
Anyway, here we are and that pup is a sweetheart and has helped ease the pain of losing my brother who was next to my husband, my best friend. Of course his wife too. We were all close, even though we lived so far apart.
Sorry for your loss, Susie.
I hope your brother’s furry pal continue to bring you a modicum of comfort and joy after so great a loss. They’re great at that.
Wishing comfort and peace to you and your family.
You are strong.
Hugs and love to you!
I’m so sorry for your loss Susie, that’s awful, but I’m so glad you have the pup as a constant reminder of your brother and his wife!
Landed myself a family doctor for me and the kiddos after being without one for awhile. Yay!
That is very good, congrats!
I am still taking mine to different pediatricians since we moved to our new town but I am feeling like I have now found the right one for them. They’ve always had (since birth) a very wise and experienced doctor back where we used to live, and I get you, it is very reassuring to have a doctor that know our kids well and that we trust. I miss him very much (even though my XW once told me he flirted with her – it doesn’t look like him and I bet it was the other way around), but the new one is awesome too.
I am still a little uneasy with my XW’s choice of therapist for our kids. I don’t trust her credentials and her approach sounds weird at times. I am going to ask her this week for a report on some verbal abuse one of my sons has suffered from a relative. If she downplay the thing, we’re over.
Taking steps on the legal stuff, and it feels good.
I am planning a short trip with a friend to an out of state concert in June. I survived my bout with Covid (5 year old i am granddaughter donated it to me????) I’m vaccinated & boosted, so it wasn’t a big deal, I had an earache for 2 days.
Admit, I am hopeful he jumps on the Karma bus.
2022 is the year I will focus on healing. So, for starters, I joined a book club reading The Body Keeps the Score to learn about the full impact of the trauma of being repeatedly harmed by FWH and how to begin to heal. If anyone is interested you can join – it’s free too – at https://traumaresearchfoundation.org/lp/trf-book-club/ Two weeks in and I have learned so much and it is also great to be part of a community focused on healing.
TuesdaysR4Healing, thanks so much for providing the link. Spent time both yesterday and today learning from it!
So very sorry about your brother & SIL ???? I’m glad their pup has another loving mama ❤
Happy Reading!
Everything is signed and are zooming with the judge TODAY ????
Happy freedom friday CL & CN!!! I would still be stuck if I hadn’t found this site.
Such a good feeling! Congrats NotAnymore!
Good luck!!!!????
Woot! Good luck!
I had to take out a massive loan at the age of 53 to buy FW out of the house and pay off debts that he ran up (it was worth it just to get rid of him). The loan was over 17 years but I threw everything at it and paid it off in 7 years, which allowed me to retire early at the age of 60. On a lot less money but I actually don’t need that much. FW blew through his payout and took on a 25 year mortgage at the age of 55. He and schmoopie make 4 times what I make and he still struggles financially! Oh and schmoops used to post on FB about being retired (because FW has a good pension) but soon found out that he is terrible with money and she had to go back to work at the age of 55 too! Since he’s been gone and as I love to travel I’ve done 12 trips with solos groups and absolutely love them. I get to see the world and make new friends – and I’ll be right back to it when this bloody pandemic ends!
Congrats on the financial freedom and travel! I will also be taking on a mortgage to buy out klootzak and will hopefully be on course to retirement at 59.5. I want to go travel Europe with groups and also buy a small camper to travel around the US and Canada in between Europe trips. I need to sort out how to do a bunch of travel before retirement so I can show my son more of the world before he is someday off to college. Your rapid pay off gives me hope I will sort out doing the same.
Nothing as beautiful as freedom from a FW. Enjoy your Tuesday!
You are my hero! And setting the bar high!
DDAY was almost 7 years ago… divorced almost 6 years ago…. and in this time we have only been able to communicate through Our Family Wizard or any texts between us had to include our teen son.
Yet, YESTERDAY for the first time in forever we talked on the phone. We needed to work out payments for son to start getting braces. And I was graceful, polite and brief (in my opinion ????). And he was fine.
May not seem big … but seriously, this was HUGE just being able to have a civil conversation over orthodontics.
It it huge! Same here; phone conversations are “fine”. I’m not triggered like I once feared I’d be. Instead I go in proud of myself and my journey.
never a long chat — no need for the small talk.
I *almost* want to thank her for everything b/c my life is SO much better…. almost…
Same!! I’m no longer triggered and I would also *almost* like to send a thank you to AP for taking that not-even-sparkly turd off my hands! Things are SO MUCH better without him!!
Our parenting plan is pretty detailed. Lays out the timeshare for Xmas break. Used 2018 as an example, for clarity, and said alternate this.
This year, FW manufactures a “dispute” and takes me to mediation. Says the parenting plan doesn’t lay out the split, must be negotiated each year, blah blah blah. But he will agree to it in the future as long as I give him exactly what he wants this year.
At mediation, I destroy the entire argument, submit emails from the settlement negotiation demonstrating how we agreed to the split, no misunderstanding. Showed split has been used without objection last 2 years.
FW demonstrated the level of his complete and utter disdain for me and disregard for any problems what he was attempting to do caused me. And the mediator noticed.
And then the real reason this went down came out (I already knew but bring it up) as the mediator was trying to broker a compromise while trying to get FW to understand it was compromise or what parenting plan/ragingmeh says.
FW wants a full Xmas w his family and then a nice trip to Hawaii with howorker. And that’s a very tight timeline and many people to impression manage. So he cannot and will not compromise. And mediator finally saw the whole thing – that he really had manufactured this and was taking advantage of the assumption both parties are acting in good faith.
So where is the mightiness?
I was so mad, so tired of this kind of thing. Why am I mad, having anxiety attacks leading up to this, still struggling to even comm in OFW w FW?
Because I want there to be a mechanism to hold FW accountable, to stop this, to force him to treat me w the smallest measure of respect.
And that is never going to happen.
I have finally truly deeply accepted that there will be no fairness in all of this.
I’m the only person who will see this side of him. I will continue to be antagonized via microaggressions like piercing our daughters ears without talking to me, get her vaccinated without taking to me, having howorker at those types of things in my place, trying to build friendships w the few parents I already have a relationship with.
So, I will document..I will send emails objecting to what is happening. I will explain to my daughter why something is inappropriate and unfair to me as her mother.
But I’m done with it emotionally. I have to be.
I’ve done a great job with NC, not letting him see my hurt/anxiety/upset. Which was a huge win for me
But now, I’m done w all emotion. There is something truly wrong with that man and what happened and is happening has 0 to do with me.
I have finally internalized that. And my god does it feel good.
Oh, Ragingmeh, I totally got you!
Fuckwits screw up big time with the coparenting schedule and it does seem to be a power move on their part (“you’re not the boss of me”, post-dicorce version). It is unnerving and mostly what keeps me from getting to Tuesday and meh. And the stories and lame justifications and bald faced lies they concoct are sickening.
I just learned from my oldest son after picking them up yesterday from his mom’s after her 15 days of summer break with them that they spent last friday at a beach three towns away from 9am to 5pm with no sunscreen and no lunch (but some hoochie mama pics at FW’s instagram). This is brazilian summer and the sunburns they’ve got are awful. This kind of recurrent things makes me want FW to go to hell and keeps me off balance and angry most of the time (but I keep my anger and outrage checked as best as I can, at least on the outside).
Just today I’ve got an email from hers (that she told me she would send two weeks ago, but, you know, very busy during summer break) asking for fucking up the whole coparenting schedule for february (just when the kids go back to school). I will take my time to reply and see if I can work around her demands with the minimum fallout (rage, screaming phone calls, guilt-trip, you know the drill).
It is all about them and their impression management and fuck everyone else.
Glad you’ve made your peace with the fact that there’s nothing you can do about your FW XH’s assholery, I know you’re right, but I still feel far away from achieving this. This is mighty.
P.S.: I too get anxiety attacks in the vincinity of these pointless confrontations with FW. It sucks.
Document. Letting your kids fry in the sun is neglect, maybe even abuse, in my opinion. A potential for skin cancer decades from now.
Totally, this is abuse in my opinion too (she has been more overtly and physically abusive in the past, but is managing her image now that the kids are able to recall things). This is not the first time this happens, and I have been documenting ever since I understood what I was dealing with. If there is something I learnt here at CL’s and with my lawyer is to document *everything*. Exhausting as hell, but better safe than sorry.
“ Because I want there to be a mechanism to hold FW accountable, to stop this, to force him to treat me w the smallest measure of respect.
And that is never going to happen.
I have finally truly deeply accepted that there will be no fairness in all of this.
I’m the only person who will see this side of him. I will continue to be antagonized via microaggressions”
YES!!! Everyone tells you about the long parenting arc and the karma bus, but it is such a bitter pill to swallow that FW’s get to continue seemingly living without consequences.
Good for you being able to internalize what you have. That IS mighty. I aspire to get there.
“I’m the only person who will see this side of him.”
I have come to realize that no one ever really saw the monster that Cheater was with me. He was so careful to spit ALL of his venom my direction and not spill a drop of it when other people could see.
I was his Life’s Scapegoat. Everything bas was ALL MY FAULT and that is how he coped, nothing was his responsibility. He did it for so long, he couldn’t have changed if he wanted to because he would have had nothing to fill the void.
He had a split second Nasty moment in front of a friend of mine and I oddly enough treasure that. She Knows. My experience is validated.
Similar experience here, Unicornomore.
He was a splitter, and I regulated him. He did slip up once with some mutual friends. So they saw Mr. Hyde, and I’m glad they did.
Sometimes I wonder who regulates him now. The wifetress?????????♀️
Same here. Thank god for the validation and understanding we chumps find here! And at least my family and good friends know.
I’m grateful for my mighty little sister. She rarely mentions “it” and is very conscientious, but this week she told me she’s been looking at old photos and keeps getting triggered when one of FW comes up… at her wedding, holding her baby, at my birthday, with my whole family visiting – in the foundation of the house WE were building (FW already at least two secret affairs deep). She said the foundation pic almost made her text him to say WTF… you just took it waaaay too far, buddy. She said she couldn’t even find the words to express her disgust. Tell me about it! My sister is more dignified me, though, and of course maintained NC. She cut FW out after she told him to STFU and leave me alone the last time he texted her to say he was worried about me (textbook) – just like she didn’t respond when FW’s OW was stalking her social media.
Similar experience here, too.
I was the ex’s scapegoat for everything he didn’t like about himself and his life, including all of what he considered his failures. And he never revealed this part of himself to anyone else. Mine is on his own now, and I bet he’s still blaming me.
Adelante – “I was the ex’s scapegoat for everything he didn’t like about himself and his life, including all of what he considered his failures. And he never revealed this part of himself to anyone else.” Same here.
What I didnt understand back in the hopium days (newbies beware!!) is that (even apart from the cheating) the degree of scapegoating really, REALLY prevented us from ever having an actual, deep, intimate, committed, loving relationship. It was IMPOSSIBLE…he was too far down that rabbit hole to ever come out.
His scapegoating had gone on since the first weeks of our marriage 25+ years earlier…his mental processes were deeply entrenched.
Married or divorced, he would blame me for everything until his last breath…which he did. When he got to Purgatory, I expect that God explained to him that he had a flawed process going on for a very long time.
Yeah. Mine probably still blames me, too, although scapegoating a ghost can’t be as satisfying.
I know I shouldn’t care, but I like to think he needs to sink his teeth into a live human every once in a while. And I’m not there to do the honors.
Same here.
My FW should be living her dream life now, but blames me for all that she thinks went wrong with her life. Apart from having our amazing, sweet autistic children (whose condition she resents and blame my “genetics” for), the rest were mostly due to her own choices (some pretty shitty) and her FOO issues.
Congrats for ghosting the piece of shit.
This is huge. You have my admiration. As my uncle always said: “Don’t let the badtards get you down.”
My boys are adults now and the oldest son is getting married next month. His best man? Not his “dad” it is his younger brother.
When the boys have an issue they need a man to discuss it with? They call my husband, their step-dad.
They may not say it, but one day they will see the light and that is when you get your revenge when all along you did not do a thing but be the sane parent.
I have never seen a father be the best man at his son’s wedding. I had no idea that was a thing. Brothers and friends usually fill that role, don’t they? I feel like I got married so long ago I have no idea what people do now. My own wedding was the last one I attended!
I don’t know where to begin. I filed for divorce on 2-2018. We didn’t get into the beef of the custody battle until the start of the pandemic. The fuckwit was awarded 50-50 in February 2020 after being a no-show since 2017. The good news is I was finally awarded exclusive rights so he couldn’t come into the house. On 11-2021, I was awarded 80/20. It took all my energy and strength I had left to prove he was unfit. The pandemic also delayed our court dates for dividing property. Plus, my poor attorney caught COVID prior to vaccines being distributed in early 2021. However, even though the lost the battle with Spousal Support (I have to pay him) for the next 30 months, yea blue state. I got my kiddo and my house. With my retirement only slightly scathed. 5 years! It was finalized last week. Talk about feeling like Atlas holding the earth. Most importantly, I shined at work during all this hell. Got offered amazing assignments. I finally can smile ear to ear.
Congratulations! You are mighty!
OK, where do I start? I am an ER Nurse Practitioner. I have worked my A$$ off during a pandemic and am still standing. My D-Day was 11 years ago, so my mighty has little to do with FW.
I have seen some ???? that will haunt me for the rest of my life. However, I have learned what is important and what is not in the grand scheme of life. I have found myself thinking “Will this matter 5 minutes from now?’ and “Will this matter tomorrow, the next day, next year?” If it doesn’t Let that ???? go.
To deal with the stress I have taken up yoga and running. I am in the best shape in my life and I am in my late 40s. A bonus is: a new wardrobe!
My husband (also a chump) and I are happier than clams and it absolutely pisses our exes off. And we don’t care. We are living our best life and we are financing our best life. His business has expanded and we are in the best financial situation we have ever been in. It has taken years and years of hard work and skimping and saving every penny, but we have done it.
Tuesday is here friends, it may take awhile and a pandemic, but it is on the horizon. I hope you guys can read my story and maybe get some inspiration. Let that ???? go!
Gonegirl – I am reading your story and feeling inspired! Thank you for your words here. And thank you for your care and service to the greater community.
Thank you and congrats on gaining a life!!
thank you for all your hard work!
Thank you for everything you sacrifice as a care provider. Sending a virtual hug.
I want to be that person in the cape!!! After 22 years as a SAHM, I plan to sit for the bar as soon as my divorce is final (which could be never with his stall tactics). But I am scared to death of failure!!! What if I don’t pass and they make fun of me or no one will hire me even if I do pass, idk but I know I need to change that thinking and figure out classes and studying. I’ve also considered getting my masters in counseling online while I’m waiting for divorce to be final. I would love to end up making more than him!!! Also my kids think it would be a BA move if I go work at the same district attorneys office as he and howorker (they are in special victims sex crimes, ironic, right???) Since GTHO day, I have done a lot of learning how controlled and manipulated I was. I still feel massively guilty sometimes and he knows how to play on that but I am getting better. Better at grey rock, days I don’t wake up thinking about it, and spending quality time with my children. I have taken on projects around the house FW would never get around to and found out who my true friends are and deepened those relationships. I am starting to see an inkling of freedom. Still working on hope for the future but all of your posts are so encouraging and badass that they encourage me to keep going because I am an amazing and strong person!
You’ll do fine , I’m sure.
For a few months after my EW and I separated I had the classic “I must be unlovable” , “I must be deficient somehow.” “I’m just not good enough” syndrome. But one weekend I decided to venture out with friends for a bit of clubbing and afterward a few of us went out for breakfast. Lo and behold , in an adjacent booth , was one of my EX’s “enabler friends (female)” , who I knew , and she was with her date and another of her friends and her friends date , who I had never seen but she knew of the situation , I’m sure. This girl , having never seen me before and knowing my EX’s AP , glanced over at me and then looked straight at the enabling skank she was with… her reaction was positively priceless , looked like “You mean to tell me that she (my EX) cheated on that and left for that loser AP.”
That single incident turned my head completely around. I AM WORTH IT! I’LL FIND BETTER!
You are and you will too!
“For a few months after my EW and I separated I had the classic “I must be unlovable” , “I must be deficient somehow.” “I’m just not good enough” syndrome.”
Me too, but my symptoms subsided a lot after this friday challenge when I’ve got to revisit orderly for the first time how much shit I’ve got done from the depths of my despair.
“You mean to tell me that she (my EX) cheated on that and left for that loser AP.”
I’m happy for you realizing your worth reflects even in the eyes of strangers.
Your FW took your awesomeness for granted. Pretty sure he’s going to regret this soon.
For me it was the babysitter my XW hired for our sons to assist her during her time with them (!) that I have never met before a short visit to drop some of my kids’ toys.
My oldest son came back to my house saying she told him she couldn’t wrap her mind around my XW trading me for her new boyfriend (a nice guy, nothing against him so far). It looks like this babysitter was traded for another too soon afterwards. ????
Bren, go go go! I just want to tell you, I was a practicing physician then SAHM for 15 years. Married for 23 years to what turned out to be a monster/conman. GTFO day was 2 years ago, divorce was 6 months ago. Like your FW, the ex threw every wrench at the divorce process to delay everything. I retook my boards alongside fresh medical graduates recently and passed it! I am now preparing to retake my specialty boards and also doing an online master’s degree. And I just refinanced the house last week! My kids and I are a solid pod. Still not doing well in other respects (NC is hard, I still get baited 90% of the time, still ordering books untangling the skein, still waking up with night terrors, gaining weight, now diabetic) but will crawl to Tuesday if I have to. Let’s do this!
BrenFawkes, the bar exam is just a gatekeeping tool. NOBODY is going to make fun of you if you pass it. Just taking the damn thing is mighty!
Bren, I’m a mom of 4, former 8 year SAHM. In height of divorce from hell while solo parenting I passed CA bar while working full time— 22 years after I graduated from law school. I live in the PNW and have worked remote these past 7 years in LA. BarBri was invaluable and a detailed work back schedule- I scheduled down to my bathroom breaks in the 12 weeks leading to the exam. Planning removes the drama. You’ve got this!
Holy crow, that is mighty. I am currently 24 years past law school. I can’t imagine taking the bar that far out. WOW. And the California bar is tough. They are like New York and Hawaii; they don’t want any more attorneys coming in! I feel like my brain melted in the SAHM years. That was a Herculean effort you made. Mighty isn’t a mighty enough word for it. Congrats on that achievement. I bow at your awesomeness.
You can do it! The woman who inspired this cartoon wrote to me from Ghana. Her D-Day was the MORNING OF HER BAR EXAM.
And she took the test anyway, and passed. Which I think it some kind of CN mighty.
So great that she has the official seal of
**Mighty**
from Chump Lady to accompany her on the way to mightyness.in her new profession.
I know I have read that story before, but it still never ceases to amaze me.
That level of mighty is just crazy and surely to be respected.
No wonder the red cape.
Officially divorced 5 months, I payed off my car and my legal bills!!
This is like saying a doctor prescribes addictive meds by giving insulin to someone with Type 1 diabetes. Sometimes our bodies don’t work. Sometimes we need medication. And it’s cool. I’ll take meds over dying or being miserable.
Agreed. I went on Prozac when I was in the midst of the discard. It saved me, helped me focus on my job, which was all I had to depend on. I had to work full time and part time for a while to survive, I didn’t have much time to naval gaze.
I went off the meds at about the 9th month. I never went back on them again.
Reinforcing that medication can be so helpful. I refused to go on meds felt it would make me look weak make me dependent
I finally reached a point where I couldn’t function well and I agreed to go on a very small dose.
It saved me
it allowed me to function through the divorce. process, smackin the middle of Covid , and sleep and calm down and get done what I needed to get done.
I Had a very successful outcome in the divorce, I think in part because I was able to calmly sit and focus and prepare my financials and other documentation etc. make good decisions and handle abuse and threats thrown at me daily by psycho ex
I was able to clear out 30 years of a marriage and get a house on the market and sell it.
In the middle of this my mother had a stroke in another state and I was flying. back-and-forth arranging care.
Without my meds, which were for anxiety, I wouldn’t have gotten through it without much more pain and suffering I am neither weak or dependent or addicted
I’m fine, and take on an as need basis
Take all the help offered to you, Including pharmacology
” Had a very successful outcome in the divorce, I think in part because I was able to calmly sit and focus and prepare my financials and other documentation etc. make good decisions and handle abuse and threats thrown at me daily by psycho ex”
Exactly. I had to be able to function. I had nothing but an entry level job to count on. I had just recently, a few months before he left, got a promotion, and it was dealing with checks and bonds for the Feds. I had to learn it, and be competent. I could have very easily lost that promotion, just when I needed it the most. It wasn’t a huge pay raise, but it was a good stepping stone.
I was just starting to get the hang of it all, then Kaboom, my life was blown to smithereens. My doc was a Godsend.
Mighty for me is resisting the urge to binge eat on the majority of days now
????????. Understand and appreciate this. Good for you
Not sure how that posted w chumplady. It’s from me. Meanwell
Thanks 🙂
I got busy living a cheating bastard ex free life and
every fucking day is better than the thousands spent married to him.
Tuesday feels soooooo close now.
Did get a cute puppy!
Addie Mae to go with Maggie Mae the big sister. They are both German Shorthaired Pointers and Addie is the fifth one I have owned.
https://photos.app.goo.gl/8iKdYeSrCgcXbz45A
Love the look on Maggie Mae’s face ????
Oh Tracy, just so you know, that “fire the first developer” thing is almost a required experience. Plus the year later than expected part as well. You are doing great with that timeline! Plus, your pajamas fit!!
Two years ago was DDay part one followed by incremental mini DDays throughout the following year. Divorce was final 6 months ago. I was a mess until I wasn’t. I quoted part of your response to my letter to you to a devastated new chump yesterday – a few lines I still think of often if I’m jonesing for hopium. Who I am now vs who I was when I first read your response – OMG.
In the last two years my life changed enormously. Y’all said it would and I couldn’t imagine it but chose to believe CN knew something I didn’t. In this time, I finally remembered me. I’ve stuck to my values. I’ve tackled lifelong fears and identified more to do. I’ve allowed myself a life I thought I didn’t deserve. I have felt enormous joy just to be alive. I have reconnected with old friends. My son got married and had an almost zero drama wedding, and no FWs were in attendance. In fact, he wasn’t even told – my son’s choice. None of his siblings told either. I didn’t miss him at the wedding – he’d have made things about himself. I also knew, watching my kids all happy and light hearted together and my brave son reciting his vows, that for all that FW got away with, for all his image management and DARVO, I got the best deal of all. And I’ve just realized yesterday would have been my 23rd wedding anniversary and not only did I forget, I really don’t care. I’m not all the way to meh yet but I’m very close.
In the last few months I made it through almost all the last stages of working toward my dream job (a five year journey), got a real estate license and RE job on the side, and feel confident in my ability to support my family no matter what dumb choices my partner makes. Divorce is going to be an especially long road for us, but no matter our legal status I have taken back my independence and refuse to be entangled any more than is absolutely necessary, financially or otherwise.
We were together 7.5 years and married for two. After I caught her with years of lies in May, went NC in September, and had divorce finalized in late October.
Since ending the relationship and contact, I have been able to accomplish many things that she always told me I couldn’t do.
I ran my first marathon in a time that was 15 minutes under Boston Marathon qualifying time despite being injured for a large part of training. I applied to biology PhD programs and I am likely to be accepted into a very good program (still debating whether it’s what I want to do in life, though). I also had a first author paper published at the lab in which I am currently working. Also had some quality time to catch up with close friends and family; this is what I really value most of all.
I am still struggling with direction in life, but I’m glad to be cut free of the burden of a cheater and liar.
Congrats on the BQ! I may be able to qualify by time when I’m 80 🙂
And congrats on the paper!
That’s incredible, Chumpcago, to run your 1st marathon in that time!! ???? It sounds like you’re heading in the right direction with work, family & friends! Congrats!
SO MIGHTY!
Just short of 7 years since D-Day and a little under 5 years since divorce was finalised:
– Got a clean break divorce with the kids to live with me.
– Got a major promotion at work – a promotion that Ex-Mrs LFTT said countless times I’d never achieve – one month after Decree Absolute was issued.
– Went from a £25K+debt when we divorced to the point that I should be able to buy a 4 bedroom house for me and the kids in the next 2 or three months.
– Supported eldest daughter (now 25) and son (now 22) through University; she got a 1st and he got a 2:1 – Go them!
– Supported youngest (now 18) through school. She does her A-Levels this summer and then hopefully University to read Law thereafter.
– Turned my home into an oasis of calm for me and the kids; we’re all in a much better place than we were 7 years ago.
– Helped the kids to set appropriate boundaries with Ex-Mrs LFTT; she is an alcoholic, a liar and an arch manipulator. They now feel empowered to say “No” or “Stop” or “That won’t fly for me” to her when it is appropriate. When she hits them with the “BuT I’m YoUr MoThEr so you should do what I say ….!” card, she gets “Well act like it then” in return.
– Avoided pressure from my wider family to date. Two of my aunts (known as the “Witches of Eastwick” for very good reasons) went as far as questioning my sexuality when I refused to let them set me up with someone at a family wedding; they’ve all been told ” I’ll date when I’m ready and not before …. and if I say I’m not ready then accept it or f*ck off.”
Life is good and Tuesday is close enough for me to smell it.
LFTT
The “Witches of Eastwick” heh. I have an aunt I call “my aunt the five letter word.”
Coincidentally, her first name has 5 letters.
DofaC,
That took me a little while to work out ….. I think I need more coffee.
🙂
LFTT
LFTT, wow. What a list! Way to be the sane, stable parent! This is an inspiration. I hope I’ll be able to say even half of this come 7 years from now.
Wow so very mighty and inspiring. Wondering if your X tried to blame her double secret life on her alcoholism. My FW does. Got sober and now thinks none of the alcoholic behaviour should matter.
TR4H,
Sorry to hear about your FW; it’s never their fault is it?
Ex-Mrs LFTT never blamed the booze; she was much more comfortable denying being an alcoholic to the point that she took to blaming the empty vodka bottles – to my face and whilst she was blazing drunk – on our eldest daughter. The pity is that the shade of lipstick around the neck of the bottle (and who drinks room temperature vodka direct out of the bottle FFS?) was Ex-Mrs LFTT’s; eldest daughter wouldn’t be seen dead in that colour.
And I don’t feel mighty. I just got done what I needed to get done.
LFTT
Ex keeps trying to get me to dog sit for him or even adopt his dog, because apparently he didn’t realize puppies need to be potty trained. I keep saying no. He is not happy and his house smells like pee. My house is lovely (just did Marie Kondo!) and my dog is trained. Life is good.
I was sick during a southern snowstorm with all 4 kids this month. Despite this, I kept them all fed, helped them in and out of snow gear, and supervised their homeschool all on my own. Honestly, it wasn’t too much different than when my cheater was still here. He never cared when I was sick.
I redid and sold the divorce house that I bought and moving back into my marital home that i’m slowly re-doing. My 4 kids have learned so much.
Divorced 5 years, love my job, love my friends, got a peloton this year and finally taking care to love my body so I don’t start to fall apart on this side of 50.
My real mighty is making it through the past 2 years with my son who was devastated at age 14 when his “dad” (he was a soccer coach, covert narc, good dad until that day) texted us out of the blue to tell us he had left us with a woman half our age. (My daughter and I were at the grocery; my poor son was home alone when a text message blew up his world. He still gets triggered by long texts and is the only person under 30 who prefers phone calls to texts).
Anyways, fast forward and my formerly sweet straight A student (my kids are adopted so way to activate their abandonment wounds a**hole) and I have navigated substance use, a DUI (the night he didn’t come home and his dad didn’t pick up the text so I was alone in my worry), his trauma and depression, barely graduating during a zoom pandemic senior year. I’ve negotiated therapy, substance use programs, curfews, slammed doors and awful words, zoom schooling, college admissions process with a reluctant teen. Finally and fingers crossed, he’s mostly sober, he’s taking antidepressants, he’s thriving in his second term at college, he’s nice to me and his sister. He’s exploring his heritage, he’s doing all the things he loves. I used to keep his dad (who moved our of state almost straight from our house and sees him every other Christmas) updated on his progress, but it occurred to me one day that he didn’t seem to care, so I stopped. (Honestly I think deep down he feels guilty so it hurts ex to hear about sons problems).
My mighty is surviving living with a depressed substance using teen during a pandemic (while trying to protect his younger sister from the trauma and working full time). My chumply commitment and resourcefulness couldn’t save my marriage, but no way am I sending another dysfunctional man out into the world to destroy the lives of others if I can help it……
That sounds incredibly hard. You’re a great mom getting through all of that and doing so much for your son. I hope things continue to get better for you and your kids.
After thinking my career was secondary, and we couldn’t live without the ex’s salary (he was fired for f*cking a subordinate), this week I got a big raise and a big bonus. I now make more than that arrogant a-hole ever did. (And ever will. He’s literally destitute now.)
Money isn’t everything, but in this case it’s pretty damn satisfying. Keep at it everyone — to MEH and beyond!
I’m not feeling particularly mighty today. It’s been nearly 11 years since my divorce was final. The children are all grown and most of them are no contact with the sperm donor. I’m still incredibly grateful that I dumped that sack o’ shit out of my life. He never overtly tried to separate me from my family, but he always felt that he deserved every bit of my time and attention.
Despite the pandemic, during the last two years I’ve been able to spend a lot of time with my mom and dad. Between them they had two knee replacements and a shoulder replacement. We just lost Dad 3 weeks ago, and I was able to be there with him as he passed. (No, it wasn’t Covid) I can go visit Mom whenever she needs me. I know things would have been different if I were still married to the asshat.
Right now, mighty looks like remembering to eat, stay hydrated, and go to bed at a decent time. Fortunately, I don’t have regrets about what I didn’t do and the time I didn’t spend with my dad.
So sorry for your loss Lizza! I truly understand. I lost my brother 6 months after DDay. Was going through wreckonciliation with FW and told him that night that if he wasn’t going to stay with me to leave right then bc I couldn’t go through this with him if he was going to leave me later. He lied. He was already planning to leave. Now the whole thing is tainted by him and so much worse to endure. He didn’t actually leave either I had to use recording devices to prove he had second phone and then I kicked him out. It was trauma on trauma and grief on grief. I still haven’t fully grieved my brother bc I’m still grieving the marriage.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad May 2018 same year I got divorced. Just found out my mom has a rare cancer at the end of 2021. Life is so strange. I don’t think I would have been okay if the cheater was still in my life during my dad’s death. I only had enough energy to shower, eat and grieve. Just wanted to reply and let you know that you are not alone. Life is still great xo sweet
I’m so sorry for your loss, Lizza. You have my heartfelt sympathies. My Dad was dying, and then died, during the discard in 2019 (26 years together). My Dad adored the ex. They came from the same part of England. My Dad admired and respected him. The ex behaved dreadfully while I was with my Dad in hospital a couple of hours away from home. With hindsight I regret that he did not dump me before my Dad died. The recollection of him standing at my Dad’s graveside knowing full well what he intended to do only a few weeks down the line, while I was still grieving, is upsetting. My Mum, who has been brave through lockdowns which she has spent much of alone, often says ‘how could [the ex] have sat at the funeral lunch, laughing and making jokes about funny things that happened to you both on holiday.’ She can’t get her head round it. How do you watch a man lowered into the ground, knowing what you are about to do to his daughter? He was exchanging ‘yearning’ emails with the exgfOW 4 days before the funeral. He had no shame, no integrity, no honesty. Shocking, really.
I’m sorry for your loss, Lizza. It’s hard to feel mighty when you are mourning….
You’ll remember your mighty again soon. In the meantime keep being gentle with yourself.
Take care
Lizza,
I’m so very sad with you for the loss of your dad. May he rest in power and peace, and may you and your mom be comforted by each other, and by memories of good times.
The death of a parent reorders your universe, no matter how old you are. Right now all those basic things you’re doing for yourself require a lot of mighty. And you are especially mighty because not many people can say they have no regrets when someone dies.
Beautifully put and so true, Adelante.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Lizza.
I put together a huge box of neatly folded and dry cleaned clothes for donation – went through my closet and put in a lot of clothes that held memories I didn’t want to remember and just before closing the box I added my wedding gown – felt so good to push it out of my house. I hope someone can use it for Halloween as the bride of Frankenstein. God bless CN and CL.
Good for you
mines in the garage
Not sure why I can’t get rid of it
I got rid of him though ????????♀️
Cheater and I retired, sold our house and everything we owned and moved aboard our sailboat in 2016, planning to sail around the world. We made it from the Chesapeake to South Carolina before I identified that he was abusive, and in Florida (during Hurricane Irma) I found out he was cheating. A little over four years ago, while he was at a doctor’s appointment, I left the boat with what I could carry (and my dog), rented a car and drove a thousand miles to move in with my recently widowed best friend. Divorce took a little over a year, and I flew from divorce court in Florida back to Missouri for a Valentine’s Day breast biopsy. (Negative biopsy, but the hospital bill — WITH Florida health insurance — was over $8,000!) And then I got a job and started saving money. I moved into my own apartment just before the pandemic closed things down. During the pandemic I’ve been working as a nurse in ICU — that’s pretty mighty all by itself! And I looked for and found a condo for me and my dog.
Three years after I left the Cheating Abusive Douche (CAD), I made an offer on a home of my own, and it closed a year ago today. Four years ago, I owned nothing but what I could carry and my dog. Today, I own a cute, quirky condo and enough furniture to be comfortable. I have a car. I also have more than one purse, two pairs of shoes and a wardrobe that fits into a single boat bag. (OK, a lot more shoes, purses and clothes.) I’m comfortable enough to think about retiring again . . . when the pandemic is over because nurses are a scarce resource these days.
Thank you for the work you do. I do work for hospitals but behind the scenes and rarely get contact with one of the people on the front line. That is demanding work and for those of us who can’t even stand the sight of blood, you are especially super heroes. I hope a beautiful retirement is in your future!
Yes, thank you for being a healthcare worker. I, too, work behind the scenes & at home for a hospital system. Feel guilty sometimes that I’m safe & comfy while the hospital staff is facing burn out like we’ve never seen.
And you have no idea how much we appreciate those behind the scenes who keep us running so we can do the patient care.
I’m in the home stretch. Walked away in late 2015, divorced by early 2017. Started a new life in a new town with a new job. Fought for kid last winter so he could live full time with me and be full time in this school system the whole of his senior year. Won it. Kid is rocking it with a 4.0 GPA, and just got accepted to his 1st college of choice (working on the financial aid stuff now to make it happen.). Put the kid on MY health and dental insurance this month. And got the process started with CSSD to ensure the X pays me (on time) the (full) amount he owes me for the next 6 months until the kid is 18.
The last 6 years haven’t been easy, but each year was better than the one proceeding it. Every day I’m grateful that I escaped from that hell hole of a marriage and am now enjoying my life again and looking forward to the possibilities of the future.
1. Sold off contents of 40-year/FW home, renovated and rented it.
2. Moved to another continent.
3. Lost 30 pounds.
4. Finished 75% of book writing project and am on track to publish this year.
5. Moving to beach in 3 weeks.
Whew. Thanks for asking–didn’t realize what I’ve accomplished the past 12 months.
Very mighty Violet !! Were it not for my respect for your anonymity, I would surely ask about your book.
My Dday was 17 years ago followed by a long, terrible Wreckonsillyation which ended with Cheaters death almost 10 years ago.
I had entered my adult life with 3 millstones (covert narc cheater and cluster B parents) weighing me down, so even though I accomplished a few things, every day was an uphill climb. I also chose to prioritize my kids in the middle of the endless mess because they needed one sane person.
Im now in late 50s and realizing that I have abilities I never knew before. I finished my Bachelors in my early 50s then got a Masters a year ago and am serving in a challenging but important role. My employer is a dorky community hospital but in my new role, (due to some quirky circumstances) I have mentors from some of the most respected centers in the world who I can call on at a moments notice. The area of service is hard and the pandemic makes everything harder but this opportunity will not come again and Im making the best of it.
I had planned 4 international trips during covid (to take advantage of low travel costs) and (through very dumb luck) thusfar 2 went great (falling during Covid lulls that no one could have ever predicted) and Im hoping the one planned for 6 weeks from now will do the same.
Ive been remarried 6+ years and just the other day realized that my self perception has evolved.
I am no longer the woman who was abused and whose husband cheated.
I am the woman married to a successful guy who doesnt cheat.
My husband could have a younger “trophy wife” but chose me who is his same age. I think Im a darn good trophy in my own right. Bam
“He” was the popular extrovert.
I was (and am) the quiet introvert.
Therefore, the pandemic isolation did not impact me as much, as I am used to being alone.
I heard through the grapevine, that it totally upended him as he had to finally sit with himself. (And his 20 year younger co worker …) but I believe they sure learned a lot about each other during this time. ????
So, back to mighty… I used the 3 months off work to figure out how I was going to survive financially on one income.
I, with the help of a contractor relative and friends – turned the first level of my home into a rental apartment. I put everything on a low interest credit card.
It took a full year, getting a free stove, fridge etc off Craigslist. I learned to cut sheet rock, mud, tape, cut tile, grout, lay flooring, I did feel mighty!
Putting the ad out for a tenant was frightening and empowering all at once. But I did it. And I have a nice Gal now living in the Apartment.
Also, even though I was legally separated, I finally filed for the divorce this past July. He would not comply with disclosure and so I made the decision to file a default and get it going without his compliance.
Divorce will be final next month.
I never thought I’d get to the other side of it – my grief seemed overwhelming. But I did, and I’m thriving… and he – is not.
I was the first in my family to be vaccinated and wear a mask. I’ve sewn over 100 masks and given them away. My adult kids followed my example and were vaccinated and wear masks. I know the fabric masks aren’t the best option but it is better than nothing.
I continue to keep my lawyer paid off. I continue to battle LTC Fuckface who feels entitled to pay me a third of what the Court ordered. My case management date is
in February by Zoom. I’ve learned to use Zoom despite my Boomer Status. I’m anticipating hearing Fuckface’s explanation as to why he didn’t follow the latest Court Order.
My 20/20/20 packet has been received by HRC and will be processed in 60 days. The QDRO has been received and his wages and pension will be garnished. I haven’t given up. I will be paid and I will receive my portion of our assets.
I picked up my paint brush and dabbed paint on canvas. This process gives me joy. I paint for my own pleasure. I have defeated the voice in my head that tells me my artwork isn’t good enough and a waste of time.
I have managed financially despite being consistently underpaid by LTC Fuckface. He thinks he can starve me out but he underestimated me again. I have no debt. I am responsible. I make do. I don’t need things to make me happy. I live a simple life within my means.
I’ve learned to live alone. I’ve learned to be resilient. I’ve learned the power of my boundaries. I’ve learned that I am a goddamned delight.
Thank You Tracy! I wouldn’t be here but for your efforts. Your book came into my life at my darkest hour. You saved me.
“I’ve learned that I am a goddamned delight.”
This is the best. I love it. I’m sorry it took such a traumatic event to come to this realization but it will serve you well for the rest of your delightful life. Inspirational.
“I’ve learned to live alone. I’ve learned to be resilient. I’ve learned the power of my boundaries. I’ve learned that I am a goddamned delight.”
This is so great.
About sums it up!
Happy for you 33
Agree! That’s everything.
i’m still in the mediation straits, but it’s close. that said, i’m tired.
but i did apply to graduate school and, regardless of acceptance, i fell back in love with my writing project and with writing as a whole, so i feel good.
my kids are okay. i’m the sane parent and there are therapists for us all, so we get through. i have good friends, real friends, and that’s all i need.