The Affair Partner Is Daughter’s Coach
Dear Chump Lady,
My very handsome husband of 15 years (we have 3 kids ages 14, 13 and 11 and one on the way due in 10 weeks) is having an affair with our daughter’s 24-year-old lacrosse coach (who still lives with her parents). This girl knows full well he is a married man, and my daughter looked up to and adored her. I think she sees a hot and extremely charming older man who makes good money and is enamored by him.
D-day was 3 months ago and I made him leave. I was expecting him (hoping) that he would realize what he is missing….me, our family, our life together…. instead he and AF spent thousands of dollars decorating his new place together (she sent him a Pinterest board she made and they went to Target and Ikea to decorate) and they are still “going strong”.
In the beginning I did tell a few people… his parents, my mom, my cousin and my best friend. I also eventually told my daughter’s best friend’s parents because I needed support and advice on how to handle this within the lacrosse club when AF continued to coach our daughters like it’s no big deal. He is telling me that I should have kept it all to myself and handled this privately with him.
He says every time he thinks about coming back to me, something happens that pushes him farther away. (For example: me speaking with the owner of the lacrosse club because I don’t think this woman has the moral compass to be mentoring and coaching young women and I don’t want my daughter playing for her .….or my mom exchanging some heated words with my husband one night …..or me sending a text that pisses him off ….or people in our small community finding out what’s going on.)
He has also lied to our 14-year-daughter about what is going on…. he told her I had an affair and that’s why he is doing this. He told her he didn’t know I was pregnant when he started seeing her coach and that he and I were already planning on getting divorced. There were quite a few more disturbing lies, but I won’t get into them all. Everything he told her is completely untrue and this is no way for a father to behave. His parents won’t talk to me (I’ve tried reaching out to them) and I assume it’s because he is telling them the same lies. I am a good person and devoted wife who values family!! This is crazy.
Today we sent out my baby shower invites. Being the bigger person, I included my husbands family because I don’t have a beef with them. His sister called me crying saying his mom told her she wants nothing to do with me and asked her to pick out a gift and send it in the mail.
How can his mom not see what her son has done?? Left his wife of 15 years, 3 kids and baby on the way for his daughter’s coach (who is 13 years younger??) How can he take little events that have transpired and turn them into me pushing him away? I’ve been here taking care of our kids and praying for him to see the light. And why am I still holding onto hope? Maybe it’s the baby on the way…. I dread the thought of having this baby without my husband who I love. I dread the thought of life alone, a single mom of 4. I dread him never feeling guilty or bad or regretful…tell me he will one day?! Help me understand all of this!!
Sincerely,
Left for Lax Coach
Dear Left for Lax Coach,
Shitcan the dread, LLC. He’s never going to feel guilty or bad or regretful. BECAUSE HE IS A TERRIBLE PERSON.
Every time you feel yourself untangling the skein, wondering how could he do this? Tattoo this on your forearm and recite as often as needed: BECAUSE HE IS A TERRIBLE PERSON.
Why is he blaming his abuse and abandonment of his entire family on you? BECAUSE HE IS A TERRIBLE PERSON.
That’s all the understanding you’re gonna get. So let it go. I can’t tell you why evil exists, and neither can a millennium of theologians, philosophers, and TED talk impresarios.
What I can tell you, is how to get the fuck away from it. So that’s what we’re going to focus on today. What we control.
Turning fuckwits into nice people who care? That’s hopium. The drug of the Reconciliation Industrial Complex. We don’t do that here.
Now then, let’s reframe.
My very handsome husband
My very repellent husband. My entitled-swinging-dick-lying-ass husband. My bleeding hemorrhoid. My lime scaled toilet. My soon-to-be EX husband.
I think she sees a hot and extremely charming older man who makes good money and is enamored by him.
I think she is winning a TERRIBLE PERSON. I think she is a TERRIBLE PERSON. (Oh, actually you don’t seem to need help with that one.) And together they will be TERRIBLE PEOPLE I should avoid completely.
I used to think my husband was hot, charming, and successful, but then I realized he’s a sociopath.
See how this works?
I know you’re bonded to this man, and have four children. But you must start dealing in reality and protecting yourself legally and financially. That’s crucial. Who’s on the guest list for the baby shower? Not so much. Does MIL have rancid oatmeal for brains? Probably. But also not a burning question right now. (Refer to your forearm: BECAUSE SHE IS A TERRIBLE PERSON.)
Getting free of a fuckwit and lawyering up is where your head needs to be. RIGHT NOW. He’s already out there making Pinterest boards with Schmoopie. Screen shot that shit and send it to your attorney. STAT.
He says every time he thinks about coming back to me, something happens that pushes him farther away.
Stop asking him to come back to you. NO CONTACT. You didn’t push him away. His wandering dick launched itself.
He has also lied to our 14-year-daughter about what is going on…. he told her I had an affair and that’s why he is doing this. He told her he didn’t know I was pregnant when he started seeing her coach and that he and I were already planning on getting divorced.
This is sociopathic. This is Putin-level disinformation. Your attorney can demand a paternity test as part of the child support settlement. Seeing as he’s questioning that he’s the father and all. Then you take those results and you make a goddamn Pinterest board. Tag your mother-in-law.
You are in your third trimester dealing with this level of abuse? And you want this monster back?! No, you do not.
You want your security back. You want who you thought he was. You want the intact family you invested in.
Naturally, this is all terrifying, and he certainly intended it that way. Keeps him in cake-y comfort, having you too frightened to lawyer up. You’ve gone and told people, got uppity, but he’ll DARVO that, pass you off as insane, and avoid consequences.
LLC, are you listening? FIGHT BACK.
I’ve been here taking care of our kids and praying for him to see the light.
I’m praying for you to see the light, that you’re BETTER OFF without him. Get a good settlement and fuck him. Anyone who loves you could NEVER do this to you. Do NOT love your abuser. It’s an invitation for more abuse.
And why am I still holding onto hope?
You’re afraid, naturally. Who wouldn’t be? But don’t look to him for healing, look to your own strong, badass self. YOU DO NOT NEED HIM.
I dread the thought of having this baby without my husband who I love.
Well, he doesn’t love you or this baby.
He denied the child is his. He said you cheated. You lied. He’s smeared you with his filth. And you love him? He knows EXACTLY what he’s doing.
Please have this baby without your husband. The other three kids had chump mom. Let this kid be born to Mighty Mom who refuses to model dysfunction. Who divorces his ass.
I dread the thought of life alone, a single mom of 4.
I was a single mom for a decade. It’s not a dreaded existence. I ROCKED it. Millions of people do this.
All the single parents out there, raise your hands.
What you dread is what you didn’t control anyway — a fuckwit’s lack of investment in their offspring. THAT is the sucky part.
Oh, and that lack of investment doesn’t go away even when you’re married to it. It’s out fucking the lacrosse coach.
Speaking of which, Schmoopie didn’t win a prize. She won a TERRIBLE PERSON. Their future is assembling crappy Ikea furniture together. Particle board people with particle board souls.
Get out now! Lawyer up! You don’t want this man.
“Speaking of which, Schmoopie didn’t win a prize. She won a TERRIBLE PERSON. Their future is assembling crappy Ikea furniture together. Particle board people with particle board souls.”
Yep.
Remember in situations like this it takes two, one entitled cheater and the other his dysfunction mother who raised him.
Women always get the blame forens behaviour in the end, one way or another
Right?
It wasn’t my mother in law that was responsible for his action, it was his. He shit all over her too, and all she did was try to survive it, just like I did. I still miss my mother in law, and hate that he made her last years a hell on earth.
True the mother in this case seems to be part of the dysfunction, but it isn’t always the mother or the father.
Double Yep! There are NO words to describe this kind of trash. Not even worth the effort to try to figure out the reasons why he’s trash. He just is. Run as fast and as far as you can. File ASAP and then go no contact/gray rock. You will def have moment when you feel horrified that you married such a monster. You may even question yourself. Don’t bother. Not worth it. Just do your best to put him in your rear view and move forward with your life. Do your talking through an attorney and co-parent through a third party or an app. Anybody this fkn awful doesn’t warrant further consideration. Just consider it all a horrible nightmare than you are waking up from. You WILL be fine. Better than fine, even. Stay focused on that and KNOW that the day of reckoning will eventually come for him AND that piece of shyt he’s taken up with.
Having walked a similar walk 12 years ago, I have one piece of advice: DON’T WAIT.
I did. It cost me a fortune in money and years of my life, and the marriage ended anyway.
What I found, and I think you will too, is that it wasn’t the first affair, it was just the first one where he felt empowered enough to let me see it in all its glory. I guess the many previous lovers I found out about later were just practice runs. I felt like an idiot that I didn’t know. Looking back from a healthier place, I now realize that the fact that he kept me so busy mopping up after and covering for his domestic and financial irresponsibility wasn’t an accident, it was a way for him to have his fun while my attention was focused on keeping our lives and household running.
Get a lawyer and end it as fast as you can. Please. You are worth more than this.
And remember that your children are watching, and they will learn from what you do, not what you say. Show them how to hold their heads up and do what’s right, and how to rebuild a better life. Show them how to deal with someone who doesn’t value or respect you.
NotAnyMore – Pod People. Mine was the same.
Looking back I realize that he probably cheated all along. I know he used prostitution to some extent to get “his needs met “.
I had no idea he was a cheater until Miss Piggy showed up and the love that could not be denied caused him to drop his mask.
Sick F*ckers.
I’ve mentioned it before but CL’s post on their chaos is still my favourite post. I always thought my ex was just chaotic in nature (he probably is), but it was also a very good way to keep me looking elsewhere and putting me on the back foot! To the OP, good luck honey and stay strong when this creep tries to hoover his way back in!
Amen Sister! Your kids are watching. They will actually repeat the cycle bc just as you said, they learn from what you DO, NOT from what you SAY. I’m dealing with that now with my kids as they are choosing to wait to set boundaries and this not set them with their narc father because they can’t handle the stress right now. I talked to them about it again last night and they asked for a therapist to help them navigate through this. So, today, in the middle of work and packing to move this Mama is looking for a good therapist for them so they can have the confidence to set boundaries with that dick!
Yup. Years after XH was gone I found out about *another* affair. One he never told me about and that I never discovered before. It’s like the gift that keeps on giving.
????????????
“… it was just the first one where he felt empowered enough to let me see it in all its glory.”
Exactly on target…. At least in my case. Hindsight, hindsight… sigh
LLC, the only way you and your kids are going to get out of this in a healthy manner is flip the switch – getting pissed, turning off the hopium, lawyering up and getting the fuck out. It sounds scary but once you are on the other side you will find it is a million times better than anything you ever imagined. STOP playing nice, get fucking mad and take him for everything he is worth. Do not bat an eye! And, do not feel sorry for him and give into any of his demands. He is a blatant sociopath! These type of a-holes will sabotage and character assassinate you to anyone who will listen to paint him as the “victim” and if you think its bad now….just wait until he plays these games in court. That said, go no contact, find yourself a damn good lawyer, get full custody with majority time with the kids, make him pay child support and alimony to the STATE (they will then send you a check) so they keep record if he is paying you every month. If he doesn’t pay, they will go after him for being a deadbeat dad. As far as the AP, may I suggest a long talk with the owner of the LAX club and asking for a copy of their employee handbook especially under fraternizing with clients policies. I would use that bit of information to the fullest and give it to your lawyer. Time to put your bitch boots on LLC!
⬆⬆⬆⬆⬆ This is what I was going to say, too. LLC, do this, and do it NOW!
Also, if applicable in your state, I would go after the AP for “alienation of affection”. It is high time APs also pay for the consequences of their actions.
I know that the absolute primary person you had a contract with is your STBX. But I really, really wish being an AP had more of a stigma than it currently does.
YES!!! I am so glad you mentioned that IvyLeague. LLC check your state and see if that applies. If so, do it!
Also, thinking about that employee handbook and their policies. There should be “no fraternizing with client” policy, if there isn’t I would go as far as to drag her employer into it and sue them for not having such a policy. I say that because we had to do something similar when my 16 yr old daughters travel softball coach was drinking on the job and letting the older girls party with her. She also had her police boyfriend come coach certain games and he and his buddy sat in the dugout vaping, drinking and making sexual jokes with underage girls….even his buddy slapping one of the 17 yr old girls on the butt. The police boyfriend threatened us, so I went to the Mayor and Police Chief (they are good friends of mine)….and got his balls in a vice after showing them video evidence. (Needless to say, that Dick isn’t on the force anymore so he moved out of state). As far as Coach, I went to the owners of the travel team and filed a complaint. They didn’t do anything about it so I got my lawyer involved. She has since been removed and I doubt she will EVER be able to coach minors again. #BITCHBOOTS #PutThemOnNOW
Yes!Yes! Yes! To everything you suggested. Take back the power and dignity these FW’s steal from us with their lies and deceit.
SC????
Mighty, mighty actions on your part, Southern! I salute you and second the motion… OP, sue the pants off all of them! When you are on the other side looking back, you will never regret going scorched earth. But you will regret not doing so.
^^ this!^^
It’s hard to hear advice like CN or comments. It’s not RIC. But it’s the truth and will help you and your children develop healthier relationships. I’m watching my older children suffer through toxic relationships with no boundaries because that’s what I modeled to them for 15 years.
I have that problem also. It helps to remind yourself that you were not the only parent doing the modeling.
Don’t accept all the blame.
This right here ^^^^ SouthernChump you are so right.
OP, please listen to every word of this.
It’s time for Scorched Earth.
Oh, he will live to regret it, but by then you won’t care! Good Luck!
Dear Left (but picked up by Chump Nation),
Forget TERRIBLE PERSON.
You will need all your energy for your children and for a fair divorce.
And maybe for figuring out how you managed to choose a such TERRIBLE PERSON to spend the rest of your life with. But don´t all of us chumps suffer this?
Be grateful that your sparkledick is spending decorating $ at IKEA and Target and not with Fendi Casa. Ask me how I know…
My ex-in laws dropped me as if I had turned out to be a gangster. I guess it is because they know who they really are. Your MIL will admit she raised a jerk when hell freezes over.
Be strong and take care!
“Your MIL will admit she raised a jerk when hell freezes over.”
Yep, they will go to great lengths many times to save face. Enough folks will know the truth. They will just cut those folks out, just like they did you.
I am now a single mom of four. I too was pregnant at discovery, and the threat of divorce was used to “keep me in line”. My former in laws who were once very close no longer have any role in my life. I am now two years post divorce, and the freedom from the man that I loved so deeply has been incredible. You will survive. It won’t feel like it at times, but you will. My best advice for you is to do whatever it takes to get a favorable custody agreement, because these men have no problem appointing whoever they’re currently sleeping with to fill the mom role when they have the kids. You won’t be coparenting with him but with whoever she is at the time. That’s the toughest part of all of it. Don’t let that stop you from leaving, but do let it motivate you to FIGHT!!
100% agree with the above. He will likely be assuming that the young lady-friend will be the Replacement Mom for your kid she’s already coaching plus the rest of your kids. 50/50 would likely mean SHE will be the 2nd coparent not him. That’s scary enough but with the coach dynamic it sounds really unhealthy for not only your coached child but all of your kids. Fight like mad to avoid that future for your kids!!! I did, and with every passing year it’s clear I did the right thing for me and for my kids.
I was discarded with twin toddlers to care for. For a full year I was caught in the mindf&8k you’re getting where no matter how hard I tried to save the marriage, each step I took to do so was thrown back at me as a reason I was “pushing him away”. I know how crazy-making that feels…it’s designed to keep you spinning and thus not sticking up for yourself. And if your dude is doing that I’m thinking he has NO intention of ever returning to the marriage. One of my regrets is that I let that crazy-making mind-twisting “you’re pushing me away” crap keep me from pursuing divorce for too long–I missed the window where he was in la-la-land with her, and drifted into when he had no left-over goodwill for me. It ended up taking 2 years to finalize the divorce. You’ve got some really good dirt to pave the way for a good settlement, and if you pounce now he may be still so caught up in limerance it may make the divorce go faster. And trust me, life on the other side is SOOO MUCH BETTER. My heart goes out to you. Get away and good luck!
If you listen to nothing else, listen to this. I got my head out of my ass pretty quickly. I filed IMMEDIATELY. I am so glad I did this. I got everything I wanted. He was so far up Shrek’s ass he never saw it coming. Within 3 months of being served, he finally started getting nasty. By then I became enemy number one, but I didn’t give a shit because it was past the time frame he’dhad to contest anything. They only feel guilty for a short period of time. You need to pounce on that while you still can.
You can fall apart later. Now is the time to act.
“He was so far up Shrek’s ass he never saw it coming. ”
I love this.
I really would have liked to be a fly on the wall when my fw got demoted for his deceit and lies to the city admin, then went home to the dumpy little whore he traded it all for.
My lawyer told me ‘there is an expiration date on guilt’.
Lawyer up, take 1/2 of the money out of your checking & savings and collect everything financial you can. That board too…anything he spends on the affair prior to separation agreement you can get back.
Your separation agreement becomes your divorce agreement (at least in my state) so don’t agree to anything thinking it will change.
Be strong, this gets better, wish I could hug you!
Even many years ago, my lawyer said we need to strike while he is feeling some guilt.
THIS. Do not overestimate how much our terrible people cheaters will concede when they’re in limerence and you do a little flattering, tell them how much you appreciate their support and say thank you. It sucks. I did it and the whole time I had the line from one of my kiddo’s movies running through my head, where the lead penguin in “Penguins of Madagascar” says “Smile and wave, boys… smile and wave!” I tried to be reasonably fair in the division of our assets (stupid in retrospect–should have gone for more) while still making sure I got the kiddo and all of the assets that mattered most to me but he AGREED TO EVERYTHING. They think we’re too nice, too sweet, too in love with them to be looking out for ourselves and not cleaning up after the cheaters like we usually do. Seize your moment while he’s out decorating at Target/IKEA.
100% agree! In the words of my devout Catholic mother “Get your own lawyer and file first!”. File while he is still in limerence and take everything you can get. The future of your children depends upon your wise financial actions now. Your marriage is already over. In ten years, he will be onto girlfriend (and possibly “family”) Number Three and you do not want your kids to be last in line for support and a college education. Be a Mama Bear!
The sick, twisted lies they tell can be so hard to wrap your head around. My ex told people he found me in bed with a guy and then held a gun to the guys head. Nothing even remotely related to him finding me with any guy ever happened, but he told this whole elaborate, twisted story to make me out to be the bad guy. One thing I learned early on was to not bother defending myself to anyone who believed the ridiculous stories. I just decided those were people I didn’t need. And now after a few years, the believers are starting to realize the truth. It’s so interesting to watch them realize the person they think he is, is not someone who actually exists.
Yes, my ex tells everyone that I had a boyfriend during our marriage!!
In reality he was never home, he was out cheating while I did 99% of the home and child care
Interesting, but the people of quality never believed his lies about me
Single mom here. My FW XH left me (twice! I took him back the first time because “I refused to give up on him and us”) for younger women when our babies were still in diapers.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It will be hard but you know what? You’re going to rock this and love it because once your FW XH is in the rearview mirror you will start to realize (as I did) that every day he is absent from your life is a blessing. Every day as a single mom gets better and better.
You single mom it up, to start, because you have to not because you want to. This is true. But then there will be a shift. You will begin to recognize that, with him, his affair partner(s), and his unkind family out of your life, that that void will be filled by freedom, peace, and a solid, wonderful relationship with your kids.
It will be so wonderful. You’ll never have to walk on eggshells again or live in the middle of a tension garden. You will be free. I can’t even begin to describe what that peace feels like. You’ll get there when you get there.
My kids are teens now and I’m still a single mom. It’s fantastic being the captain of my own ship. I’ve never dated or wanted to get married ever again. I’ve fallen in love with my own independence and I used to be such an introverted house mouse (still am) that I never thought I’d love being independent as much as I do. But I do. Being shackled to a husband who pretty much did everything your soon to be XH did was torture. I’d never go back. He can have his younger GF (indeed, he married the Wifetress/they’re still “going strong”); I will take peace, independence, freedom, and dignity.
In short, it’s difficult but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Being a single mom rocks.
So, if you believe (for even just a small moment) that there is hope for you in your new life (because it’s coming for you whether you want it to or not) you need to get your ducks in a row–now!
Cut off all communication with (see CL’s notes above) terrible people. This includes your STBX and his family. No more contact. Business only. Get a lawyer and begin moving on your separation and divorce paperwork because if you don’t take control over this part of the journey then he will take control over it and, I can promise you, his version of a divorce settlement will not be one that favors you and your children.
You need to protect your children. They are your focus now. Protect them by lining up your ducks and getting a lawyer. This will be one of the most important things you ever do. Do it even though you don’t want to do it. Get child support and, if you can, as much custody as you can while your idiot ex-partner is still decorating his new love nest with his GF.
Hard days are in front of you. I acknowledge this because I went through them to. But I promise you, behind those hard days are *amazing* days. Read and reread CL’s advice whenever you need to reframe and get that lawyer. Borrow money to pay for it, if you have to (I did) but protect yourself from your crazy, terrible X now.
Don’t think you’re doing it because you want to right now. You it because you have to.
You are mighty. You’ve got this.
Read with Fourleaf said, and then read it again. This advice is spot on. If you need to, read it every day. You will be so grateful, if you do. Also, read Splitting by Bill Eddy. It was recommended by a very good divorce attorney. Not listening to this advice will cost you dearly. I can guarantee it, because I’ve been you and not listened. I’ve spent the last two years trying to get a new custody agreement. Don’t be me. Don’t wise up, too late.
Fourleaf is right! Single parent here for 6 years. Ex left for OW while I was pregnant too. I had one other child.
Cut ties now! Get a lawyer and sort out a divorce while he’s still loved up. It will be the best thing you ever did. Get all the crap sorted now and then you can leave that life behind you and build your own new life.
Single parenting is hard. No doubt about that, but it’s so worth it. You can model good behaviour. You can be the sane parent.
I didn’t want to let go of my ex either. I gave birth and then agreed in mediation that he could come to the house once a week to spend the day with our new born daughter for the 1st year of her life. It just made it that much harder as I had to see him on a weekly basis, but it also prevented my daughter going to his house on a regular basis for the OW to play happy families with my kids and so that is come kind of blessing, but I wouldn’t recommend it. I also had hopium that he’d see our daughter and want to return. He did not. He just used it to his advantage. He is a manipulative sociopath/narcissist.
I’m really pleased with my life now. I’m not with anyone new. I did date, but it wasn’t for me. I don’t ask my ex for anything. He pays his maintenance to me every month and he sees the kids of a Saturday. That is it!
The kids and I go on holiday together, we make decisions together. We have fun and I love spending time with them. The ex has married the OW and they have a child together, which makes me laugh as he’s so not invested in the 2 other kids he has.
You’ll look back in a few years time and realise how far you’ve come and that the ex is just distant memory that you’re glad to be without.
Yes, Yes, YES to SouthernChump
1) Do some research, ask who the best divorce lawyer in town is. Meet them, do your research! Then…turn them loose. That charming man with good income, just became a charming bitter asshole because child support is gonna kill him!
2) NO CONTACT! Gray rock, business, kids, that’s it nothing else! Let him figure out just exactly what it looks like to be the “daddy” of his 24 year old concubine when that’s all he has left.
3) Have a frank conversation with your children. They’re old enough for you to tell them you’ve done nothing wrong. That you’re sorry their father’s choices are hurting them, it’s not what you want for them and not what YOU chose for them. But, that YOU will do everything in your owner to protect them. (Then do it! Read #1 again get an attorney, an expensive one, then ask for attorney fees in your settlement).
4) Do not be the bridge between him and his children. 100% of that effort needs to be his burden. Don’t ask if they wanna call him, don’t encourage him to reach out to them. Don’t speak badly of him but don’t bring him up unless they do. Put the burden of being a father on him. I say this because in my state at a certain age the child can choose not to participate in the visitation agreement. The sooner you get to that point the easier your life will be. And, based on what you’ve said, they will opt for this eventually!
Document, in handwriting on a calendar everything you do for the kids and what he does/doesn’t. That will be key in the residential time issue. My XH terrorized me by seeking 50/50 even though he hadn’t seen our youngest but 12 hours in a year. Thank God I had that contemporaneous calendar to prove it. And, do not “make him” parent if he doesn’t initiate, that will work against him.
I got full residential custody and 82% of assets btw.
YES to the documentation! I read in my own period of hell about how the father wanted 50/50 but didn’t know the name of the kids doctor, what shoe size they were, or their teachers names. There’s a list out there if Top 10 mistakes men make in this process. It was published by a firm that ONLY represents men. They MAKE their clients learn everything there is to know about the child the custody is being contested for. How laughable that would even be necessary!
“I’m praying for you to see the light, that you’re BETTER OFF without him. Get a good settlement and fuck him. Anyone who loves you could NEVER do this to you.” .
.. or to you AND YOUR children. He is not only lying to you but to your kids? Please listen to CL and f/%*# him. Blameshifting AND lying to the kids and to his family? Spreading lies and lies and lies. I have not words for this but f/%#* him and lawyer up.
“You want your security back. You want who you thought he was. You want the intact family you invested in.”
Yes, all of the above. We all have been there. It will take time. A lot of time for mourning, accepting, healing.
Remember this: you can look in the mirror every morning and say “I am a good and decent person. I am a loving and sane parent. I am an upright and reliable, trustworthy person, devoted friend, sister, daughter and mum.”
They will never ever be able to say this ever again. All they will see is cheating, evil FWs. Every day, for the rest of their lives. They truly are TERRIBLE DISGUSTING PEOPLE!
Left – Hoping the birth goes well and your recovery allows time to regain your strength and conviction. Your children’s father will have a limited role and it should not be confused with remorse or reconciliation.
Sleep and eat well. Pull together your “real” support team, because this is not going to be a party. Tell your doctors what is going on, speak with a lawyer, be honest with your children’s schools. Keep healthy boundaries – the house is your safe place. Get a legal separation in place ASAP.
I suspect that community pressure or age differences will end the romance. Don’t let that be confused with real change on his part.
Don’t worry about what he tells others, but do offer therapy for the children. Your reputation, your worth will now be measured by how you steer them through this mess.
I suspect that community pressure or age differences will end the romance. Don’t let that be confused with real change on his part.
Eh— my bet is he will double down on his actions and marry her. Otherwise he’s just a cad who abandoned 4 children. Marrying her will offer from legitimacy to his decisions, at least in the public eye.
“Trust that he sucks” that”s what you can trust when it comes to your cheater.
This was my mantra, it helped me and I think I will help you as well.
Trust the he sucks because he does.
LLC, single mom of three here, including one with special needs. Personally, I feel like the only thing harder than doing this alone would be doing this with my ex. The turmoil that came with trying to genuinely trust and forgive him while we attempted to reconcile was exhausting and futile, which only added to the challenges of parenting. My kids were all little (all three were under two years old when I filed). You’ll have the added benefit of having a couple of older kids that can help with the baby. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Yes it is an adjustment, but you can do it. Hugs!!
MM and LLC,
Single dad here; my kids were 11, 16 and 18 when Ex-Mrs LFTT left the four of us to be with her AP. They are now 18, 23 and 25.
While LLC has older children able to help out with the baby when it comes, I would advise that she be very careful about not creating a sense of obligation for the older children and not to “parentify” them. My two daughters (now 18 and 25) are very close and the oldest has been very supportive of her sibling since their mother left, but she knows that she is not expected to fulfil a traditional “mother” role. I’m glad that I spoke to her after her mother left and asked her to tell me to “stop” if she ever felt that I was pushing her into a role that was not hers to play; a difficult conversation, but the right thing to do, given how useless Ex-Mrs LFTT has proved since D-Day.
I can cover most of the Mum role along with doing “Dad” stuff as well, and my mother steps in for stuff when my girls need a a woman’s touch.
LFTT
Good point, LFTT. Absolutely agree with you about not pressuring the others to help out. So many different dynamics to work through with different ages. Sounds like you’re doing a great job being the sane parent.
Read the advice here and take notes!
The next year is going to be terribly difficult because divorcing from this kind of jackass is always hard, but doing it with an infant is a whole different level of challenge.
Get a strong lawyer and follow that professional’s advice. Your pain makes you vulnerable to acquiescing in all kinds of ways that will hurt your financial future and that of your children. Don’t worry about being nice or fair. Hire a lawyer to manage the etiquette and the justice.
Get an excellent therapist who practices from the point of view that cheating is wrong and there is no “other side” to the story. Your jackass has already shown a willingness to lie in horrible ways to your kids. He isn’t going to stop. You need help figuring out and practicing strategies for being honest to your kids without being venomous. Your EX is going to say and do all kinds of things to villainize you, and all of your kids are going to struggle with this. The cognitive dissonance of seeing one parent abandon the other, lie about the other, and have “fun” doing it is damaging and difficult. Your kids will fear the loss of their father, and at least one of them (probably each one at different times) will take it out on you BECAUSE you are reliable and won’t reject them. I cannot convey how hard this is going to be and how much you need adult help navigating it.
Talk to people. Talk to your friends and family. Don’t cover for or excuse this jackass for one more minute. Maybe you feel fearful or ashamed. Talking will help build your community of support. We are often taught that keeping horrible things private is a form of dignity. It isn’t. Dignity comes from having friends who circle the wagons and tell him he is a jackass when he suggests the “coach” be rehired, or who set up their chairs at the lacrosse games in a shield around you so you don’t have to look at him preening for his mistress. Dignity is watching the other fathers take up positions on the sidelines 15 yards from him because they don’t want to be seen as friendly with him. A few of these people will disappoint you, but many will not, and a few will surprise you by turning out to be unexpectedly compassionate and helpful.
This will be a horribly long haul Keep your eyes on the horizon and remember that each wretched day will end. There will be good ones again.
Come back here for support. This community understands and knows your worth.
” … at least one of them (probably each one at different times) will take it out on you BECAUSE you are reliable and won’t reject them. I cannot convey how hard this is going to be and how much you need adult help navigating it. ”
+1 +1 +1
Often kids misbehave this way as the result of deliberate maneuvering on the part of angry adults. Of course the real target is actually the other parent. It’s called Parental Alienation Syndrome, and courts are beginning to recognize it as a form of child abuse.
Whatever it’s called and whoever the victim, it causes adult victims to hurt like hell and yes, you do need a savvy therapist to help you navigate the pain. The kids will need counseling as well once the abusive parent’s spell is broken. Sadly, as with other types of abuse, they will carry the scars forever and they may never fully recover.
This is great advice!
In regards to your children, start the mantra now, that we “pay attention to people’s actions, not their words.” It is applicable to interactions with everyone and it will help them with the cognitive dissonance they will experience when interacting with their father.
Chumped mama of four young children here too, I am so sorry you are going through this. I am two years from D-day and a few months away from finalizing a long divorce process. I wish I would have moved quickly and sure-footedly at the very beginning instead of wasting time reading tea leaves and smoking hopium.
It takes a certain type of sociopath to build such a large family, only to blow it all up. The self-lies and mental dissonance it takes to do such a thing is next-level and not normal. Let that be your guiding principle for what happens next. Because he is not normal. And his mental dissonance and delusions will only get worse with time and future events that a ‘good’ or ‘normal’ father/husband/man should be celebrating such as the birth of your baby. Protect yourself because you will bear the brunt of his shame in the form of more lies and abuse.
So on your ‘preparing for baby’ list should be finding a superstar lawyer that can do all your fighting for you, getting your financial house in order, therapy for you and your children (especially that sweet 14 year old who may be internalizing all of this as her fault) and a kick-ass team of supporters to play bodyguard at your post-partum nest (do not trust FW to not prey on your vulnerabilities in the days/weeks/months after birth).
A man that leaves his pregnant wife AND tries to blame his affair on her to their child is sick. Remember that when you miss him most.
Hire an attorney with experience with ‘high conflict’ divorces. So many are not prepare for the high conflict and stealth games these people play. Hire a PI and a Forensic Accountant because he will definitely be hiding money. Immediately open up your own bank account at a different institution than you use with him. Start gathering 2 years worth of tax returns, bank statements, retirement accounts and credit card statements. Open a credit card in your own name now while you still have his non-divorced income to report. Move all birth certificates and SS cards for yourself and your children to a safe place outside of your home. Start gathering cash when you go shopping. Get either cash back or buy gift cards and then store that off site also. NO PHONE CALLS with him. Text or email ONLY so it can be documented. As others said, start documenting when he is there, when he is not, all child related appointments that he missed, all child’s sports and/or school events he does not go to. His visitation or lack there of. Document all the stuff he is telling your children so you have a case of parental alienation to present. You need dates and approximate times it was told to your child and when it was told to you. Get MAD and get Busy!!
Lastly, I’m so sorry this is happening while you are pregnant. Shows a lot of his character that he would do this. Shows a lot of her character also – who has an affair with someones whose wife is pregnant??? Good luck OP and get busy!
I watched a nature documentary last night about a older lioness who was kicked out of her pride by young males who had taken control. She wandered the plains alone, and after accidentally crossing into another male’s territory was impregnated and then abandoned by him. Soon she had cubs to feed, and protect, since male lions will kill cubs on their territory that aren’t theirs.
Shortly after her cubs were born, the two young male lions attacked them. I will never forget the look on the face of this lioness as she FOUGHT LIKE HELL for her kids. She was so strong, ferocious, and determined to fight with every ounce of life she had. She was outnumbered. She was overpowered, but she didn’t give up. She fought until she was slashed up and bloodied and eventually the two male lions backed off.
This is how hard we have to fight for our kids – against our cheating spouses.
Good metaphor. Fits my story
My young adult son is still a little confused as to why I behaved in such a traumatized way however. I hope he learns with age
????
Oh, and I too got the whole ‘well, if you hadn’t done xyz during the discard phase, things *might* have turned out differently for us’ BS line.
It shaped my desperate self right up! But still nothing changed. In fact his behavior towards me got even more mean and abusive because I was giving him so very little to use against me.
I found freedom when I read an Anne Lamott quote that said: ‘You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.’
Left, please go schedule a Paternity Test as part of the birth of your darling baby. Seriously. Take Tracy’s advice and make a list from her response . Follow that as a what to do list and rid yourself of this abusive monster. He is abusing you and the kids. Get on it. Don’t waste another second hoping this monster will be the husband you thought you had. He is a TERRIBLE person. He is so awful that it concerns me for your safety. Please take your safety and the safety of your precious children seriously. This monster is not safe for any of you. Divorce him.
Dear Left,
Speaking of Pinterest (which is often rife with hopium phrases – by way of the RIC), while wading through the Kool-Aid, I discovered a simple statement that has stuck with me the past several weeks:
Their life is their punishment.
Imagine how exhausting it would be for someone to do nonstop upkeep on how they present themselves to their family members and the community. They aren’t able to just let their impression be based on their genuine character, because that wouldn’t be good for them. They have to lie to have some upper hand in the public eye and with their family. This will not go way, they won’t transform into beautiful butterflies, their character flaws will continue to plague their actions in life, and they are pathetic enough to turn the table and make innocent people the victim. What I’ve found is that genuine, honest people (and it sounds like you are one of these) will not buy their stories. Maybe not now, but the truth usually comes out. Who know if this affair was even the only one that occurred during the marriage? And furthermore, how could you ever believe or trust him again? If your best friend was in your space, what would you tell them to do, and more specifically, why? Children will soak traumatic experiences that happens within their family unit(s), and it certainly affects the formation of their own boundaries, their fears, how they view romantic relationships, and what they will/will not tolerate in a relationship. I agree with CL, by leaving this asshole (who very likely will be knocked over by the Karma bus) you will further level up in BADASSERY, and in turn, this will show your kids how they deserve to be treated in a relationship. You are being abused by one or more people that sound like they have a sizeable amount of of Cluster B traits and it’s bullshit.
It doesn’t matter how attractive he is on the outside, inside he is a moldy banana.
Dear LLC,
I’m going to address the Lax club angle. I can’t imagine how mortifying in must be for your daughter to remain in that environment where her dad cheated with her coach.
If I were you, I’d have a talk with her about leaving this club and playing for a different club.
Years ago, my kids played high level club soccer. The clubs were cesspools of indecency when it came to the behavior of coaches and parents. The clubs turned a blind eye to all of it. Add in the tendency of the parents to gossip, and it’s just not a healthy environment.
Listen to your daughter and take into consideration what she wants to do. But encourage her to think about a fresh start elsewhere.
I’d argue that this may be a no win situation.
If the coach stays, the Chump mother suffers hurtful reminders and the daughter is in a terrible position, but she may find support in her friends on the team.
If the Chump mother actively works to get the coach fired, there will almost certainly be peer problems for the daughter as other team mates will resent it and take it out on her (not to mention their parents). Being ostracized by teammates may feel worse to a young teen than anything else that has happened so far.
Could a great group of adults manage all this? Yep. But the fact that no one acted to fire the coach the minute she set up house with a team dad suggests they are not a great group of adults. There are probably some who sympathize with the Chump and would prefer a new coach, some who don’t care as long as the coach treats their kid well, and some who would prefer for the Chump and her daughter to evaporate so as not to inconvenience them with awkward truths. The fights over whose position prevails will suck up all the oxygen in the room.
The Chump needs to pick her battles–and right now those are about getting a lawyer and a fantastic settlement. She needs to look at the long term needs of all her kids and let the chips fall where they may on the LAX issue. If the daughter wants to stick with her friends on the team, then the Chump mom needs to put up with it. If the daughter wants a new club, then support her in finding one. In my area, LAX clubs are rare and moving a kid to a new one would require hours of additional driving each week. With an infant, it wouldn’t ever even be a possibility.
I’m halfway with you on this, but I think the coach has to go. It’s a pretty simple thing: her job requires her to inspire trust and loyalty in the players as well as among the players. Now she’s put one player in the position of having to betray her own mother as the price of continuing to be part of the team. She’s forced to choose between her friends on the team and her loyalty to her mother. It puts the player in an impossible bind, and the girl shouldn’t be the one who needs to find a new team with a coach who can be trusted not to blow up the family.
The coach should be fired, full stop. She can’t do this job.
I absolutely agree that the coach should be fired, I just very much doubt the club would fire her. (If it were a male coach, even less likely he’d get fired.) And if they won’t, I’d take my kid and leave.
I have a cynical outlook on youth club sports in the U.S. from my years as a soccer mom, watching coaches cheat with parents left and right and the clubs doing nothing and raking in the money.
These sort of private teams usually have an email list of all the parents. I effectively got a coach of my child’s team fired, though in reality, he quit because I sent him a copy of the email I sent all the parents who were on the board. The problem with these private teams, is that if parents are pleased with the performance of their child on the team and the team’s performance at meets, if whatever is going on doesn’t have negative consequences for THEIR CHILD, they could care less.
Be very specific in communication with the board about what has transpired between your husband and the coach. Cite team bylaws. At the end of the email (or letter) appeal to them to do the right thing, and how would they like it if it was their child? Oh yeah, and hint around about a possible lawsuit and even going to the press in your town. I also did this regarding an employee at my child’s school. It is extremely difficult to get a public school employee fired, but I did it with one well-placed letter and a few meetings with the principal.
All that is happing now with the daughter’s team is a lot of gossip, and bored-out-of-their-minds parents of these teams adore that. Get them out of the sidelines and force them to deal.
LLC…your mother-in-law is a real piece of work…do not beg her to be in your life, the soon to be newborn or your kids. In fact I’d make it my mission not to let her near my kids. Sever ties with all of your in-laws. They are not your family or friends. As for your puke of a husband you need to divorce now while he is still gaga over Miss Skank Coach. Get divorced, get alimony and child support. Don’t be fooled by his phony attempt to look like a good father, he’s not, but then it’s obvious he had poor examples. He has no intention of working things out with you and when he says I would but you did x, y or z…this is just to keep you in line, make you behave and not tell the truth.
This advice is nothing but the work of the Lord. Nothing but! AMEN!
My advice is to stop living in the absence of your ex, but instead start living in the presence of your new life. It won’t happen overnight but it will happen.
Make a list. What are all the benefits of being without him? Write it out and read the list every morning. You’ll start to feel better.
I know you are feeling sad, scared, overwhelmed and just want to “wake up” and have everything go back to normal. You can feel those feelings, and you should… I usually did in the shower so my kids wouldn’t see Mommy having a total meltdown, but they saw the tears from time to time because it is healthy for kids to see human emotions.
That said, you need to get some serious mojo going… shit no one else can do for you… not his parents… not LAX buddies… not your kids… YOU. And, you’ve already found Chump Nation and Chump Lady, so I KNOW there is a WARRIOR IN YOU.
1. That Target shopping spree – was on marital assets – those thousands, half is YOURS… track it all. In fact, start gathering ALL the credit card and bank records going back 12 months. Every nickel he spent on the LAX Whore was a marital asset and you’ll want that back in settlement.
2. Paternity test right away. Your lawyer will be asking for child support for FOUR KIDS… let the LAX Whore see how much fun her new schmoopie is when he’s paying support for his children. AND… make sure you get things like healthcare and college included.
3. See the best lawyers in your town… you won’t hire them all, obviously, but you meeting with them prohibits them from working with your X.
4. Hire the lawyer. File first. ASK FOR EVERYTHING – you can mediate later. But it’s fun to make them shake.
5. When you file, INCLUDE ADULTERY as the cause. Even if you are in a no-fault state, it feels amazing to know that legal paperwork is landing in the homewrecker PARENTS MAILBOX. Seriously, it feels amazing (I know from experience).
6. Start getting your support network in place for the new baby. Talk to your lawyer… if you need to hire in-house support (in the absence of Dad), that can sometimes be a shared cost with the X.
7. Keep coming here… it is a long slog to freedom from your fuckwit… by taking some early MIGHTY STEPS you’ll gain the confidence you need. Trust that he sucks – and will always suck. Trust that the 24yo is enjoying the drama but won’t enjoy the reality. Trust that you can build an amazing home without them interferring (#grayrock) and truly find happiness.
You’ve got this. I know you do.
“ See the best lawyers in your town… you won’t hire them all, obviously, but you meeting with them prohibits them from working with your X”
DO NOT DO THIS. It doesn’t work that way, it wastes precious time you do not have, and it will make you look slimy to the judge who eventually hears your case.
DO find the best lawyer you can find and hire them immediately. CL recommends looking up people in SuperLawyers, which is a marketing site but is at least a good way to narrow down the field.
Find a couple of lawyer friends if you can who don’t handle divorce and ask them who they would use in a divorce case. The same names will come up and pick from that list
Apidae, how exactly does she find the best lawyer to hire without interviewing a few of them? I met with 5 of the best, with 4 of them being absolutely not right for me. I got mine through a personal referral, not quite on my radar because of geography. OP cannot and should not hire a lawyer solely off of a marketing list. It is urgent to hire one, but don’t make a hasty uninformed decision. Switching lawyers after you find out you have a shitty one doesn’t help anyone at all.
Apidae,
I consulted the best lawyers in my area. I left plenty of less stellar lawyers for Fuckface to consult. I carefully didn’t consult all of them but I did consult the firms that advocated defending Men’s Rights.
Even leaving him plenty of choices he wanted to use a lawyer I had consulted. I refused to allow that. The Judge never once brought that up. I think you should consult several lawyers and call around to see who offers free consultations. You can learn a lot just from that process.
Wrong. I saw the top best attorneys in my area. I did it so I could have a great attoeney…i didn’t know it would prevent him from using them at the time. If I had known, I would have smiled while I was doing this. She absolutely needs to see the best attorneys. Not because she wants to prevent him from using them, but because she wants to get the very best attorney that she can afford..
This is called “conflicting out” and it’s literally a recurring question on the ethics exam wanna be attorneys have to take.
And it will blow up in your face if you get a shady lawyer who doesn’t know or doesn’t care that you already met with them, and who’s gotten confidential information.
There’s nothing wrong with talking to multiple lawyers if you want to vet which one is the best fit for you. But doing it as a divorce tactic is a waste of time and can go very badly.
“I think she sees a hot and extremely charming older man who makes good money and is enamored by him.”
She may very well see that, but all that charm wears off when she figures out how much of his “good money” is going to child support for not one, not two, not three, but four children.
As for STBXMIL? The person she’s hurting most is herself. The denial we all experienced in the beginning — she’s experiencing it right now. That part wears off, as we all found out. The rage and hurt and blame stuff wears off as we work our way to Tuesday; her rage and hurt and blame-shifting will wear off the same way. A year or two or three, the emotions that have led her to evade the baby shower will begin to lose urgency, and she’ll be left understanding that she has a grandchild she has chosen not to see.
That’s gonna hurt.
Keep in mind the concept of “good money “ is fluid for a low paid 24 year old who is living at home with her parents. Coach positions pay poorly.
In 10 years the coach won’t want this guy at all. But right now he has all the money in the world compared to her.
Yep. This is one of the reasons my ex dates very young women. He seems so rich to them. He’s not. He doesn’t even make six figures, has no savings, no retirement accounts, and has to pay me $16,000 a year. Only idiot little girls think he’s successful.
This — “their life is their punishment.”
His actions tell you all that you need to know about what he thinks of you and your kids. It’s gut-wrenching and horrible for your kids. Whether it lasts or not, this is a deal-breaker.
My divorce attorney would talk about it as putting up a high wall to leave out the ex and only passing him what was necessary through a small window. I realize now how that helped me heal and work through my own junk. By the time the divorce was final, I was truly in a good place and actually interacted with my ex productively via email on some aspects of closeout. I kept up that wall though on everything but the issue at hand.
This post, and the replies I’ve read so far, typify the experience of “giving up the dream” to me. Chump Nation learned the hard way. We all wish we had not wasted so much time with wreckonciliation. We are all happier living in MEH. Follow the advice, it will be worth it! Your life without a FW and his FW family is so much better!!!!
There is a species of bird named a “cuckoo” and the modus operandi of the species is to sneak their eggs into the nests of innocent host birds who then hatch, feed, and train the cuckoo’s offspring, generally to the detriment of their own hatchlings. These FW spouses who spawn a litter then jump ship to a younger, more fertile model are human cuckoos. You cannot salvage this situation. You must react with ferocity and determination in order to protect and preserve the marital assets for your children. Lawyer up, and while you are in consultation with that attorney, press a serious inquiry into bringing suit against the lacrosse club. I don’t think you would be likely to win a suit against them, but the threat of bad publicity and legal costs might just prompt them to jettison the schmoopie and write some stringent guidelines for coach conduct. Go with the nuclear option, dear. If you find you have regrets, you can apologize after the settlement and writ. Most of us have regrets for what we didn’t do, not what we did.
Get away from the freak while you’re still young. Don’t let the tropes of being a single mom scare you, either.
I became a single mom when my kids were 2 & 6, and I’m a bad-ass single mom. I now have money, because I’m not dealing with FW buying shit like airplanes with no pilot’s license (true story). In 2021, I took my kids to BOTH Disneyland AND DisneyWorld in same calendar year. In years prior, we’ve gone on great vacations all around the country.
We don’t live in chaos anymore, and it sounds like you’ve got family close by that can help with the kids.
Get a fab settlement with a kick ass lawyer. If the FW is so well-off, well, you’ve got 4 of his kids. Take that money away from him and he’ll see how much fun it is to still have crap that a 20-something picked out for his apartment when he’s approaching his 40s.
As we say here: Leave a Cheater, gain a life.
He lied to your DAUGHTER and said you screwed around first ? That poor girl.
He is a despicable man. I don’t give af how handsome or hunky he is. He is an evil lying POS who would hurt his own children to hit the sheets with a young woman.
You will see more and more vicious lies being told about you, buckle up. And stay off of social media if you hope to cope with this shit storm.
Your marriage has already ended. Playing nice to a cheater only drags out the misery and humiliation for you.
You will not be alone, you have your family…. your children. Plenty to keep you busy.
????♀️ single parenting sucks but you can do it, as soon as you stop wasting energy on FW.
Funny, my ex FW was dumped by OW, who decided it was more fun to start fucking her kids’ soccer coach. So he tried to come back to me with his weak-ass lovebomb game, but by then I didn’t want him either. Well I don’t know because I don’t talk to him, but I sure hope FW sees what a piece of trash OW is for banging her kids’ coach, and I hope you see it too. He is human garbage.
If you drop that rope connecting you to him, like it’s a poisonous snake, he and OW won’t be triangulating with you as the bad guy. So when issues arise, and they will, then can’t play off you. So when the OW loses her job, her parents find out, and she realizes she’s stuck with old dick with huge child support payments. and no one to blame – reality sets in. And his family? Fuck em. So get all the financial papers, bills, receipts, bank Acct #s, and get a lawyer pronto. Then. Calm down and enjoy the peace of your pregnancy. For your sake and your baby’s and your children. God bless and protect you.
Exactly. Drop that rope. It only connects you to him and her.
When my FW H left to skip off into the sunset with his younger girlfriend (twice/different girlfriends), I *let* him. I grieved. I cried. I prayed and hoped he’d change his mind and just “pick me.” But the one thing I didn’t do was actively participate in a love triangle.
He tried to pull me into that. He tried to engage with me and to get me to talk to him about his GF. He tried to get me to love her; he tried to get me to hate her. He wanted me involved and it made me sad and sick.
I stopped talking to him and refused to be in a love triangle. I grieved but I absolutely refused to be involved in his relationships with his mistresses.
Let him go. She deserves him. They can have each other. They can punish each other for the rest of their lives if they so choose. Doesn’t matter to you; you’re not involved anymore. You have something far more precious: your dignity and your wonderful children.
There’s a special place in hell for men who cheat on and abandon pregnant women. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Like everyone else, I agree that getting out fast is best. Right now, you make a very sympathetic petitioner. Get a lawyer and file, then get every penny you can from this guy. It may take your heart a long time to catch up to your actions—that’s normal—but keep leading with your actions. As to your in laws…be done. Complete firewall. Assuming you have a good relationship with your family, know that your kids will grow up with at least one set of extended family who will love them. The responsibility is on your ex husband now to keep the relationship going between his kids and his family…and I bet he drops that ball cause he’ll be too busy with his love nest. So be it. Go scorched earth with the whole lot of them and spend your time going full mama bear with your babies. Protect them from his dysfunction. Show them mighty.
And PS, you don’t have to let him in the delivery room when you gave this baby…that’s your choice. Choose wisely.
When you divorce FW, you’ll have one less child to raise.
Lawyer up to the skies!
Absolutely. Lawyer up. Lawyer up now. Lawyer up quick while he’s in the honeymoon phase with his girlfriend. Move.
Do it even if you don’t want to do it. You, and your children, will thank yourself later. I divorced my FW-H while I was still in love with him (because love doesn’t just turn off overnight/I get it) and it was agony. *But I’m so glad I did it when I did!*
All my FW-H was concerned about was himself, his new GF, and the new love nest he was decorating. He didn’t care about me; he didn’t care about our children. I asked for child support and full custody and I got it because he just wanted to be “free” to pursue his new life. He would have signed almost anything just to think that I was “out of his way.” I threw him a few bones (like saying that I would take on our shared credit card debts which were in my name anyway because his credit was bad) which encouraged him to sign without thinking about what he was doing.
I didn’t care. I happily took on more debt. All I wanted was some child support and full custody and I got it because I moved fast while he was in the honeymoon phase with his mistress. He was over the moon that I was doing all the work for him. I didn’t want to divorce him. I still loved the jerk.
But he was acting like a lunatic and a very strange and unkind person. And I had to protect my children. I didn’t want to prevent him from ever seeing them *but* in case he ever “went off the deep end” (a real possibility) I wanted full parental control over our children. I asked for it and I got it.
Who knows what kind of divorce deal you’ll get if you wait? The longer you wait the less generous a FW gets. The crueller they get. Right now, the FW is on Cloud Nine. Divorce him while he’s on Cloud Nine.
Divorce him while you don’t want to divorce him. It’s hard. But it’s the best decision you’ll ever make.
Exactly. He gets worse from here.
Did you read this one above?
“I got full residential custody and 82% of assets btw.”
The hobag and handsome cheater can have a nice life together on 14%.
Put on your walking boots.
18%
Left, I know you are overwhelmed, exhausted and grief stricken. I suggested you use Tracy’s response as the basis for a “What To Do” list. I came back to make that list for you.
1) Accept that he is a TERRIBLE person
2) Lawyer Up
3) No Contact
4) Get a paternity test
5) Have this baby without him
6) Refuse to model the dysfunction of remaining married to a cheater
7) Divorce that TERRIBLE person
Now make a screen shot of that list. Archive this response from Tracy and reference it when you need a motivational boost.
I haven’t seen it mentioned yet but tell your gynecologist about the cheating and ask for a full STD screening. STDs and STIs can pass from the mother to her baby, causing serious problems. I too was a pregnant chump unknowingly with a FW who was hooking up with a coworker and also going up to Canada to get lap dances from 100% naked strippers. And probably more because if sex was offered to him, I know for sure he would have said yes.
There’s a wealth of wisdom and godd advice in these replies.
All I can add is that with a baby on the way, and three other children to parent while you gear up for a divorce from your cheating, lying asshole, you are going to need a support team to help you with practical tasks.
Your lawyer will be one of those people. Your doctors will be others.
But you also are going to need to have people who can step in to watch the children (your 14 year old can do a little babysitting, but it shouldn’t all fall to her), so I hope that your mother and your best friend and your cousin can lend you more than an ear and moral support.
Single mom of 3. One thing that became abundantly clear – I am 100% reliable to myself. Removing the sperm donor from the equation, who could disappear/disappoint/become “helpless” at any moment, actually made being the responsible parent a LOT easier. I don’t have to clean up his messes anymore on top of everything else I do.
Truth. Our household grocery budget also went down once FW left. He burned through a lot of household money.
Once I got my ex disentangled from my finances, I had money to burn. It was amazing.
Reframe! Soon enough you will be choosing to move forward as a single parent because you don’t WANT to be tied to a terrible person any more. You’re ready to march on as a responsible, stable adult as he is trying to relive his youth. Well, nobody is getting any younger. Guess what is a better example for your kiddos? You got this.
I also thought that I was married to a hunk, until he found my younger replacement. 4 years later and happily divorced (single parenthood away from a FW rocks!) when I see him I actually find him laughable, like someone who is trying too hard, which he probably is.
Sorry you’re going through this, but happier days are ahead after you get a good divorce settlement from that POS.
((Hugs))
Same. My ex seems so cringy and thirsty. It’s gross. I can’t believe everyone doesn’t see right through him…although I know many who do. It’d be more laughable to me if he wasn’t always messing with my kid’s head and trash talking me and my family to her. These people are so disordered, they’d rather try to poison their own child’s mind than just shut the F up and live their supposedly great life. I’m lucky I have a clever kid who sees right through it.
Dear Left for Lax Coach,
He is telling you to handle this all privately with him all the while smearing you royally to all mutual family including your 14 year old daughter. That is indeed a terrible person.
I recall seeing an affair between parents on my brother’s hockey team. Young teen boys were rocked and humiliated and the season was disheartening to say the least.
I agree lawyer up and divorce him as soon as possible. As well, ask your lawyer to file a formal complaint to the owner of lacrosse league requesting that coaches immediate firing. She should NOT be COACHING YOUNG WOMEN!
I am disgusted for what you and your daughter and other children have been subjected to. If this isn’t torture I don’t know what is.
Protect yourself and stay far away from those toxic in-laws. They are terrible people too.
Hugs Dear One. We are with you.
LLC great advice given here. My prediction is that the LAX coach will be pregnant buy the “very handsome husband” and will probably be assembling a crib. The tables always turn, cut that dog loose!
Focus on the 4 children and yourself. I know, easy to say HARD to do. But you are mighty and he is a LIAR, coward, horrible father to hurt his kids by hurting their mother. Sadly they do not change, and you have now been gifted with his abuse. STOP it now!
Best wishes for your soon to be bundle of joy. Peace
The best thing you can do for yourself while going through a divorce from a cheater is to cut off ALL relationships with people who aren’t supportive. If your in-laws can’t be supportive, then cut them out of your life. They will scream that you are so horrible, bitter, and unfair, but you know what? They will do that anyway.
I know the impulse is to try to prove you are a nice person. But people who are invested in seeing it differently will never be convinced. The best you can do is shovel them out into the manure pile where they belong. You can’t prevent poop from stinking, but you can prevent it from stinking up your house. You owe NOTHING to people who would rather support a cheater who leaves his pregnant wife, and you have no obligation to listen to their nonsense. When you get far enough away from all this, you will wonder why you ever cared what they thought.
My ex-MIL cheated on her husband multiple times and ran off with a younger man. Does she criticize me, the faithful wife who tried her best? Yep. But since I am no-contact, I rarely hear of it. And when I do hear it through other people, I just “politely” point out that I have no interest in what an aging whore thinks of me.
You have received great advice here. I just wanted to express my empathy because I was a youth coach’s wife, stupidly thinking he was faithful. Of course these travel teams where I rarely could go are a hotbed for cheating. In my case I was so naive and just shocked when he left me for a 19 year old who I’m assuming he met somewhere on the circuit. It absolutely disgusts me now. Definitely keep open communication with your children and move your daughter to another team. That is not a good environment for her.
This comment by CL is so spot on: “You want your security back. You want who you thought he was. You want the intact family you invested in.”
We miss what we thought we had, because having a loving spouse and happy family is a wonderful dream. But with a FW, this dream was never truly possible, and instead becomes a living nightmare. It takes a while to truly accept this painful reality, I think in part because it is so hard for chumps to believe that such terrible people exist and really DO NOT CARE about the harm they cause, as long as they are “happy.”
That said, and perhaps not helpful to the OP right now, but I do not find much solace in the notion that FWs suffer by being themselves. In my case, I think that my EX truly believes he is a wonderful guy and that the problem was ME, or as he once put it, “the marriage” (as if the marriage was a separate entity from the people involved). He lacks self-awareness or insight to see himself as a chaos maker, so he does not experience any shame, guilt, remorse, or suffering for his actions. I’m learning to accept the lack of justice/accountability and focus on my own peace and healing.
Hear hear. They normalise the chaos they create, even struggle to know how to function without it. So why would they think less of themselves?
((((((LLC))))))
Reading your story absolutely horrified me. All of Chump Nation is giving you good advice. I want to chime in about the peace that you will find on the other side of this horror story. You have to go through the process to get there; it’s just one foot in front of the other in these early days. But as time passes and you have fully accepted the truth of the situation, you will find peace (Meh). In the early days you just can’t believe it, you don’t want this to happen, you didn’t sign up for this, it is so unfair, you want what you thought you had etc etc etc. All this is true and it takes time for your brain to accept it. You may experience intrusive thoughts, nightmares, circular thinking, – you just wish you could have a moment not thinking about it! My therapist says it’s like you woke up one day and found that no, we don’t live on Earth; we live on Mars, and no, we don’t breath Oxygen; we breath Nitrogen. That’s how crazy it is and that’s why it takes some time to get to Meh (or acceptance).
Please keep reading here – it has been my lifeline to peace.
Sending lots of love your way….
I will second this. I thought I would NEVER get there. I thought I’d be miserable, angry, and heartbroken for the rest of my life.
I’m here to tell you it is GLORIOUS on the other side. I have never been happier.
Expectant Mom,
You will win the NCAA parenting lax game championship by leaving this TERRIBLE PERSON. Be wary of the s.i.l. who is pulling the Trojan horse. Talk about manipulative triangulation . Monster-in-law issues the directive that her daughter is to buy a baby gift on her behalf but won’t attend the shower, and m.i.l. isn’t reaming her son ?!
Signed,
A former lacrosse ???? player
Be a warrior.
Here in the States, whites have appropriated this game played by the indigenous people. It was traditionally played without helmets/shin guards, etc.
Dear Left,
You are NOT in love with your husband. You are in love with who you thought he was. That man is a figment of your imagination. He does NOT exist. You need to stop thinking about all the times he said that he loved you and look at what he’s doing. What do his actions show you? They show that he’s a waste of oxygen. When I started looking at my life with the ex in a new light and I started considering his actions, I figured out why my oldest child kept telling me to divorce him.
And also, when I divorced the ex, I was a single mom of five. Admittedly, my kids were a bit older and I did not have a newborn. Instead I was dealing with kids from 13 to early 20s who had been through years and years of emotional and psychological abuse.
You need to get out of this marriage. You and your kids ARE a family.
I was terrified of single parenting my first and only child (all of one year old when I found out and went through denial hell), but in the end it was and has been MUCH preferred to denying what he is and minimizing myself into nothing while my daughter watched that sham of a marriage drag itself along. You are a role model to your children. You also love your children immensely. Please let these thoughts guide you. I can’t tell you that you won’t be scared, but I can tell you it’s SO much better and, yes, completely possible. Let the terrible people have each other.
Please please please get mad. If not for yourself, then for your children,especially your unborn one. We all know it sucks to wake up one day and be slapped in the face that the life and love you thought you had was a lie. There’s nothing you can do about that, but you can fight back. See your attorney and file for custody, child support, and divorce. Figure out what YOU want. Quit asking why he did this and when will he see the light? Instead, ask yourself WTF and who the F he thinks he is for doing this to your children? Ask yourself why in the hell you would want that POS? You have no control over his actions, but you have 100% control over yours and what shit you will, but won’t, put up with. Fuck him, fuck schmoopie, fuck his family, and fuck anyone else who would dare not have your back when you are the victim. Get MAD!
Fellow chump, you need to face the reality of what he is. And what your husband is is a man who will murder you if he feels that will benefit him.
You may gasp and say oh no! He’s never been abusive! He’s not violent! Yes. He is. What you’ve written here is abuse. And he feels so good about the abuse he’s inflicted on you, he’s smearing your reputation to friends, family, strangers, and even your own children. He will kill you. He will kill his 24 year old slut. He may even kill the children if he feels sufficiently cornered by his own bullshit actions.
Everybody acts like this is dramatic and rolls their eyes but then they’re stunned when YET ANOTHER woman (and sometimes) children are murdered by their husband (and father.) It happens all the time. No one takes it seriously until there is a corpse and then everybody is shocked because “nobody” saw it coming.
Hi, I’m nobody. And I see it coming. I don’t say this about every letter or anything but something about yours and what he’s doing and how you’re referring to it jump out at me. You are married to a total psychopath. That’s why he cheats on you, with someone you know, gloats about it to your face, blames you for making mistakes that stop him from coming back (what a joke that is, that’s just him hurting you because he likes hurting you), lies to the children about you, lies to his family about you, etc. And he has you almost defending him. That’s trauma talking. He’s been abusing you for years for you to say you still love him while he tells people the child you’re carrying is not his because you’re a whore. That’s what he’s doing, you have to face it. It’s going to hurt like hell but it will get better as you accept the reality.
These are the men who kill. This is what they do. I was with one too. I thought we had a great marriage and a great family and while I thought we had our issues like all couples, I thought we were a team. I just got really lucky that he slipped up and told me about planning to kill me before he acted on it. That’s why I’m still here.
You need to lawyer up, go as no contact as possible, parenting apps, talking through lawyers only, maybe even have a family member help with drop off so you do not have to see him. This 24 year old moron girl desperately wants your bullet. Step aside and let her have it, you have children who need you.
This is 100% the best post on this page.
Excellent analysis. Please check out this list of abuse signs :
https://www.portlandoregon.gov/police/article/60653
Based on your letter husband seems to have at least 5 characteristics of a dangerous man.
Left, Katie isn’t exaggerating the danger you and your children are facing. Take every precaution for your safety. As a pregnant lady you are very vulnerable. I think having a trusted friend do the drop offs is a reasonable response to the danger that cheater and his whore pose to you.
Disclaimer: This is NOT meant to chump blame in any way or make excuses for the FW. LLC’s ex IS a terrible person. The AP is a self-centered terrible person. That’s agreed and established.
If the AP is 24 years old and 13 years his junior, then he’s 37 years old. If LLC and her husband have been married for 15 years, he was 22 when they married. He had his first child when he was 23. Not only is he a terrible person, but it seems he was immature one from the get-go. I know – there ARE 22-year-old men who are ready for marriage and commitment, but many aren’t. And being described as “very handsome” leads me to believe this immature man with a TERRIBLE character feels he didn’t sow enough wild oats when he was younger.
LLC, listen to CL. Lawyer up, no contact and move on. The marriage isn’t salvageable. He gaslights you by saying “every time I think about coming back, you do XXX to push me away…” is just that – gaslighting. He wants to blame you and make you think you’re the cause for the divorce when really he’s just an emotionally-stunted, selfish fuckwit. Here’s how Mr. Very Handsome is thinking: “Marriage, family, security, commitment vs. Newer, hotter sex with a younger, dispensable woman. Little head, what do you think? Hmm”
Put down the hopium pipe and stop worrying about a baby shower. Be concerned about keeping yourself and your unborn child healthy. Mr. Handsome might try to come back – and he won’t crawl – IF the split proves to be too expensive for him to live on his own and/or when Miss Lacrosse Legs gets bored and dumps his older, financially-strapped ass. He’ll be arrogant enough to come through the door and put his bags down as if nothing happened. Don’t let him.
He doesn’t love you. A man who loved you wouldn’t do this, especially when you are pregnant. If you give him another chance, it’s only a matter of time before he does it again. You don’t want to live that way, on pins and needles, policing him, him with one foot in the door, one foot out. One of the biggest hurdles after the initial discard and devastation is to realize he doesn’t care. He won’t care. His family won’t care. They’ll all go on their way as if nothing happened. It’s a very hard pill to swallow and a big mindfuck, but people like this exist.
I’m assuming you’re around the age of your husband. If you’re afraid of being alone for the rest of your life, don’t be. You won’t be if you don’t want to be. You’re young enough to meet someone else and start your own Brady bunch family. Someone who loves you and wants to invest in a marriage. Best of luck, and best wishes for the new baby. You’re stronger than you think. We always are.
Well stated. Cheater, in his own warped mind, may think LLC cheated him out of his youth by getting married and having kids fairly young. Of course cheater was obviously game to marry and have kids at a young age but again in his selfish, warped mind all of a sudden he will put this on LLC. It’s more than likely how he justifies his actions. LLC has nothing to work with here and needs to protect children and herself. Highly likely he may have nothing to do with the newborn and LLC has to reconcile that she will be on her own raising her baby.
“ know – there ARE 22-year-old men who are ready for marriage and commitment, but many aren’t. And being described as “very handsome” leads me to believe this immature man with a TERRIBLE character feels he didn’t sow enough wild oats when he was younger.”
Not buying it for a second MA. He cheated as grown up ass man. He’s a disordered fuck.
Of course he cheated as a grown man. My thought is that as an uncaring, narcissistic, handsome FW, he probably uses the fact that he 1) married young and 2) didn’t get a chance to sow as many oats as he may have wanted to as an excuse. You’ll never hear me debate that he’s not a disordered fuck.
I know how you feel. Same thing happened to me 5 years ago. Except I wasn’t pregnant, my kids were 8 and 12. My in laws who I previously thought loved me, haven’t spoken to me since. They look at me like I destroyed everything, so i can only assume he said something similar to your husband. I was so hurt on the beginning but now I honestly don’t care. They are assholes. Funnily enough they are now trying to restore a relationship of some kind with me. No thanks. It takes time to get your head around it, but listen to chump lady. She is right. Get your ducks in a row and don’t look back. And by the way, I would personally rather be a single parent than dealing with a dickhead on a daily basis. If you are lucky, he will disappear pretty much and you can raise your kids with values, not his. Good luck.
Tell your children the truth. The whole truth. Tell them that their father is concocting lies to smear you, and to justify his cheating. Don’t cover for this man. You need to play hard ball from this second on. This narcissistic sociopathic pathological liar clearly has no problem with destroying you in every way. Get that pit bull attorney and forensic accountant on the case NOW! Do not tell him, his family, or any friends anything. He is your enemy (now). You seem to have not grasped that concept yet.
Also, if you haven’t already, get your kid/s off of that team. Actually, I’d have your lawyer write a letter to the club owner demanding that Slutty Coach get fired for having an affair with her player’s married parent. Your daughter shouldn’t have to quit her sport due to this. What a mindfuck for your poor daughter.