My very handsome husband of 15 years (we have 3 kids ages 14, 13 and 11 and one on the way due in 10 weeks) is having an affair with our daughter’s 24-year-old lacrosse coach (who still lives with her parents). This girl knows full well he is a married man, and my daughter looked up to and adored her. I think she sees a hot and extremely charming older man who makes good money and is enamored by him.
D-day was 3 months ago and I made him leave. I was expecting him (hoping) that he would realize what he is missing….me, our family, our life together…. instead he and AF spent thousands of dollars decorating his new place together (she sent him a Pinterest board she made and they went to Target and Ikea to decorate) and they are still “going strong”.
In the beginning I did tell a few people… his parents, my mom, my cousin and my best friend. I also eventually told my daughter’s best friend’s parents because I needed support and advice on how to handle this within the lacrosse club when AF continued to coach our daughters like it’s no big deal. He is telling me that I should have kept it all to myself and handled this privately with him.
He says every time he thinks about coming back to me, something happens that pushes him farther away. (For example: me speaking with the owner of the lacrosse club because I don’t think this woman has the moral compass to be mentoring and coaching young women and I don’t want my daughter playing for her .….or my mom exchanging some heated words with my husband one night …..or me sending a text that pisses him off ….or people in our small community finding out what’s going on.)
He has also lied to our 14-year-daughter about what is going on…. he told her I had an affair and that’s why he is doing this. He told her he didn’t know I was pregnant when he started seeing her coach and that he and I were already planning on getting divorced. There were quite a few more disturbing lies, but I won’t get into them all. Everything he told her is completely untrue and this is no way for a father to behave. His parents won’t talk to me (I’ve tried reaching out to them) and I assume it’s because he is telling them the same lies. I am a good person and devoted wife who values family!! This is crazy.
Today we sent out my baby shower invites. Being the bigger person, I included my husbands family because I don’t have a beef with them. His sister called me crying saying his mom told her she wants nothing to do with me and asked her to pick out a gift and send it in the mail.
How can his mom not see what her son has done?? Left his wife of 15 years, 3 kids and baby on the way for his daughter’s coach (who is 13 years younger??) How can he take little events that have transpired and turn them into me pushing him away? I’ve been here taking care of our kids and praying for him to see the light. And why am I still holding onto hope? Maybe it’s the baby on the way…. I dread the thought of having this baby without my husband who I love. I dread the thought of life alone, a single mom of 4. I dread him never feeling guilty or bad or regretful…tell me he will one day?! Help me understand all of this!!
Left for Lax Coach
Dear Left for Lax Coach,
Shitcan the dread, LLC. He’s never going to feel guilty or bad or regretful. BECAUSE HE IS A TERRIBLE PERSON.
Every time you feel yourself untangling the skein, wondering how could he do this? Tattoo this on your forearm and recite as often as needed: BECAUSE HE IS A TERRIBLE PERSON.
Why is he blaming his abuse and abandonment of his entire family on you? BECAUSE HE IS A TERRIBLE PERSON.
That’s all the understanding you’re gonna get. So let it go. I can’t tell you why evil exists, and neither can a millennium of theologians, philosophers, and TED talk impresarios.
What I can tell you, is how to get the fuck away from it. So that’s what we’re going to focus on today. What we control.
Turning fuckwits into nice people who care? That’s hopium. The drug of the Reconciliation Industrial Complex. We don’t do that here.
Now then, let’s reframe.
My very handsome husband
My very repellent husband. My entitled-swinging-dick-lying-ass husband. My bleeding hemorrhoid. My lime scaled toilet. My soon-to-be EX husband.
I think she sees a hot and extremely charming older man who makes good money and is enamored by him.
I think she is winning a TERRIBLE PERSON. I think she is a TERRIBLE PERSON. (Oh, actually you don’t seem to need help with that one.) And together they will be TERRIBLE PEOPLE I should avoid completely.
I used to think my husband was hot, charming, and successful, but then I realized he’s a sociopath.
See how this works?
I know you’re bonded to this man, and have four children. But you must start dealing in reality and protecting yourself legally and financially. That’s crucial. Who’s on the guest list for the baby shower? Not so much. Does MIL have rancid oatmeal for brains? Probably. But also not a burning question right now. (Refer to your forearm: BECAUSE SHE IS A TERRIBLE PERSON.)
Getting free of a fuckwit and lawyering up is where your head needs to be. RIGHT NOW. He’s already out there making Pinterest boards with Schmoopie. Screen shot that shit and send it to your attorney. STAT.
He says every time he thinks about coming back to me, something happens that pushes him farther away.
Stop asking him to come back to you. NO CONTACT. You didn’t push him away. His wandering dick launched itself.
He has also lied to our 14-year-daughter about what is going on…. he told her I had an affair and that’s why he is doing this. He told her he didn’t know I was pregnant when he started seeing her coach and that he and I were already planning on getting divorced.
This is sociopathic. This is Putin-level disinformation. Your attorney can demand a paternity test as part of the child support settlement. Seeing as he’s questioning that he’s the father and all. Then you take those results and you make a goddamn Pinterest board. Tag your mother-in-law.
You are in your third trimester dealing with this level of abuse? And you want this monster back?! No, you do not.
You want your security back. You want who you thought he was. You want the intact family you invested in.
Naturally, this is all terrifying, and he certainly intended it that way. Keeps him in cake-y comfort, having you too frightened to lawyer up. You’ve gone and told people, got uppity, but he’ll DARVO that, pass you off as insane, and avoid consequences.
LLC, are you listening? FIGHT BACK.
I’ve been here taking care of our kids and praying for him to see the light.
I’m praying for you to see the light, that you’re BETTER OFF without him. Get a good settlement and fuck him. Anyone who loves you could NEVER do this to you. Do NOT love your abuser. It’s an invitation for more abuse.
And why am I still holding onto hope?
You’re afraid, naturally. Who wouldn’t be? But don’t look to him for healing, look to your own strong, badass self. YOU DO NOT NEED HIM.
I dread the thought of having this baby without my husband who I love.
Well, he doesn’t love you or this baby.
He denied the child is his. He said you cheated. You lied. He’s smeared you with his filth. And you love him? He knows EXACTLY what he’s doing.
Please have this baby without your husband. The other three kids had chump mom. Let this kid be born to Mighty Mom who refuses to model dysfunction. Who divorces his ass.
I dread the thought of life alone, a single mom of 4.
I was a single mom for a decade. It’s not a dreaded existence. I ROCKED it. Millions of people do this.
All the single parents out there, raise your hands.
What you dread is what you didn’t control anyway — a fuckwit’s lack of investment in their offspring. THAT is the sucky part.
Oh, and that lack of investment doesn’t go away even when you’re married to it. It’s out fucking the lacrosse coach.
Speaking of which, Schmoopie didn’t win a prize. She won a TERRIBLE PERSON. Their future is assembling crappy Ikea furniture together. Particle board people with particle board souls.
Get out now! Lawyer up! You don’t want this man.