So I have been with my husband for 14 years, married for one.
In late 2020 he started fighting with me often about me cheating on him, or just picking fights about whatever.
It started getting really bad, like he would make sure to fight with me every day before I left for work. Ruined my day and I would cry most of the day from the things he would say, and accuse me of.
One day I left work early to surprise him at his job and when I showed up, there was this girl there that we both know. She was walking to her car, I’m guessing they saw me pull up on the cameras. She got in her car and took off, I asked why she was there, and he said waiting for her uncle to come.
Later that day I asked when did Joey show up? And he said, “He didn’t, why?” He forgot his lie already. I said, you said so and so was waiting for him? He tried to blame it on a different day. I said I’m not stupid, and he continued to blow it off. He also had very long hair on his shoulder.
Fast forward to April 2021, we decide to go out riding together, because he was working “late” and weekends and we were not spending time together. He ran in the store to pay for gas and his phone rang, number looked different so I thought it was a scammer and I was going to mess with them.
I picked up, but didn’t say anything, a voice goes, “So I guess I’m not going to see you today.” My heart started racing and I didn’t say anything. I was like please be the wrong number and she was like, hello “his name”. I said, “Who the hell is this?” and she hung up on me.
I did a reverse look up and come to find out it was that girl from a few months ago! Him and her keep saying nothing was going on, but I went through his phone logs and she was calling and texting him all the time. He also had none of that in his phone and he never deletes messages ever. He uses the excuse that she needed work on her car. Okay, her uncle works with you, why wasn’t she calling him?
And if there was nothing to hide, why not tell me? You were the one accusing me all the time? Why delete everything? And why did she say that on the phone when I answered? “Oh you must of misheard.” I most certainly did not.
The phone records show there were talking for about 7 months. If you check his phone now, he has messages in there from 7 years ago.
Am I the chump? I think the hardest part for me is not getting the truth from either of them. I just want the truth and closure and I can’t move on from this. It’s been a year now and still can move on. Yes I am still with him and all his accusations stopped as soon as this all happened.
How do I get the truth or are they telling me the truth? Nothing added up that he is. What should I do?
You should decide whether this relationship makes you feel safe or unsafe. And if you want to continue to be the marriage police or shake down a guy for the “truth” who seems shady AF. There are more amusing past-times.
If I understand your timeline, all of this happened BEFORE you married him? Or right about the time you married him? A year ago?
And it took him 14 years to commit to you, and that was after you busted him cheating? (Yes, you were chumped. And yes, he was cheating. Of course he was.) And while he was cheating on you, he was accusing YOU of cheating on him? Utterly charming. Mindfuck much?
Yeah, it doesn’t sound like a solid foundation for a relationship, if you ask me. And you did. It really comes down to what you’ll tolerate.
But I’m skipping ahead. I think what you’re looking for is validation that you’re not crazy. Let’s start there.
he started fighting with me often about me cheating on him, or just picking fights about whatever.
This is a common tactic. He’s throwing you off guard, accusing you of what he’s doing. Some shrinks call this projection. The theory goes, his fragile psyche can’t handle his misdeeds so he redirects them at you. But I think it’s just a basic power play — best defense is a good offense. Before you can accuse him, he’s accusing you. He got there first.
Ruined my day and I would cry most of the day from the things he would say, and accuse me of.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who makes you cry? Who falsely accuses you? Oh sure, that’s not ALL of him. I’m sure he’s pleasant for entire stretches. But April, every abuser has hooks. If they all just presented as despicable human beings, no one would take the bait.
You’ve got 15 years invested in a fuckwit, but there are people out there who don’t emotionally break their partners into tiny bits before breakfast. You deserve one of those kind boyfriends. Not this lunkhead.
One day I left work early to surprise him at his job and when I showed up, there was this girl there that we both know.
People who love you are happy to see you.
He forgot his lie already.
He doesn’t even respect you enough to give you a GOOD lie. A sloppy lie is an entitled lie. He knows he’s in the power seat, and you aren’t going to question him that determinedly. He feels completely free to lie to you with impunity.
Here’s an example of a sloppy lie. Eons ago, I lived in South Africa during apartheid. One of my roommates’ boyfriend was a policeman. And the police there were known for their brutality. One day he tells me a story about how black people stab and shoot themselves in the back when resisting arrest. I’m like, that’s physically impossible. He’s like, Ach, they’re crazy. That’s what they do. I’m like, have you ever witnessed this? He insists that unarmed people routinely grab weapons from police officers and kill themselves in this way.
That’s a stupid, lazy lie. A preposterous lie. But he double downed on it because he could. Because no one had the authority to question him. So why expend the energy to come up with something remotely plausible? Part of the thrill of telling a sloppy lie is KNOWING it’s a sloppy lie.
“Uncle Joe” — forgettable Uncle Joe — is a sloppy lie.
he was working “late” and weekends and we were not spending time together.
And you’re a newly wed? Engaged to be married? And he’s elsewhere every evening and weekend? This is when it’s supposed to be WONDERFUL. This is when he should be bringing his A game. And he’s absent?
Put the cheating aside — is that acceptable to you? Is that the kind of relationship you want to be in? With someone who doesn’t prioritize you?
Him and her keep saying nothing was going on, but I went through his phone logs and she was calling and texting him all the time.
So, you’re playing marriage police and he continues to lie to you. They’re seeing each other — you know that from the call and the SEVEN MONTHS of phone records — and he denies it. Still.
Ach, they’re crazy. That’s what they do.
Sloppy lie. Because he’s playing you and he knows you’ll rug sweep it and not hold him to account.
I think the hardest part for me is not getting the truth from either of them. I just want the truth and closure and I can’t move on from this.
Fuckwits are not going to give you the truth. That would be giving you their power. And he’s all about his secrets and his power. And she gets off on it too, conspiring against you, with him. He has you both doing the pick me dance for the wonderfulness of him.
Why would he give that up? Out of respect or consideration for you? He’s not in a respectful, considerate relationship. Because he is not a respectful, considerate partner. So do not expect respectful, considerate communication. He is a mindfuck.
What should I do?
Value you yourself enough to not tolerate this bullshit. Let him keep his secrets. He can go play enigma mindfuck on some other sap.