I called off my wedding three months before the big day, after discovering that my fiance was sleeping around with multiple women, including his ex.
Anyways, as stupid as it sounds, I feel like I was completely blindsided. He was so amazing to me and he was the one who pursued me all this time. I mean now that I look back, maybe there were red flags. Anyways, I know I don’t want to be with someone like that, but I have this fear — what if he changes for the next woman? What if he takes the lesson from this mistake and becomes the man I thought he was?
I honestly feel so silly as I am typing this, but I would love your opinion on how I can overcome this fear. Just to give you some idea, he never really took ownership of his mistake and said he was just having fun, even blamed me in front of his friends for the whole thing. I don’t want to ever go back. I want to move on and be happy again. Please help. Thank you.
You miss the lie. We’ve all been there, Carmel. The man he pretended to be, the creature you fell in love with, the heady intoxication of love bombing, the unspoiled Eden of trust… The lie felt good. The reality sucks.
Reality is your friend here, however. Reality is this creep pretended to love you, conned you into a commitment, let everyone else invest deeply in that con (hope you got the deposits back), and cheated on you with multiple women.
So now you’d like to swap one lie — the hologram you fell in love with — for another lie — the person he could be if he “changes.”
Sorry Carmel, the person he is is that guy who “never really took ownership of his mistake and said he was just having fun, even blamed me in front of his friends for the whole thing.”
That’s the REAL HIM.
Betraying you was a bit of “fun.”
That’s your prize there.
1.) Let’s buy the reconciliation narrative for a moment that he’s changed (he won’t, but okay). The Wizard of Therapy gives him a new heart. Now you’re back together again and he’s wonderful! He’s so into you! He wants to commit to you forever!
You’ll never trust him again. How could you? He was super into you before the whole time he was fucking other women. He’s really good at fronting lies. The who-he-really-is question will haunt you. It doesn’t matter if he changed, he destroyed the trust.
Still convinced he’ll change? Here’s a study an alert chump turned me on to, about serial cheaters. Shock! They go on to cheat again. Clearly they aren’t succeeding at the 17K fuckwit ranch retreats.
2.) It doesn’t matter who he is for the next woman, he broke this relationship. You must rebuild. I know that’s exhausting, just thinking about it. All that time and love you invested in this person — can’t you get that investment back? Nope. You can only learn from it. Whatever those red flags were? Pay attention. Fix that picker. Go be awesome without him.
3.) He’s sick to do this. If you really need to detach, keep reminding yourself of this. Healthy, sane people who make good life partners would never do this. Only really disordered, shallow, mindfuck freaks do this. Courtship, engagement — this is supposed to be the loveliest part of romance — it’s the high. It’s life before kids and a mortgage and the disillusion of a thousand annoyances. He couldn’t even sustain THAT. He couldn’t even be there for you when it was wonderful. Now imagine who he’d be if you had cancer, or your mother died, or you lost your job.
Time for that cliché — you dodged a bullet.
Please don’t stand up and take another hit.
This one has been updated. Trust That They Suck is evergreen.