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UBT: The Most Common Mistakes Made by Betrayed Spouses in Recovering from an Affair

Universal Bullshit Translator
The Universal Bullshit Translator

Hey chumps! You’re Doing It All WRONG!

An alert chump sent me this appalling tripe from “Affair Resources and Advice” — a blog written by a former cheater, “Jack,” who reconciled.

Jack would like you to know that affairs are 100% wrong and there is no excuse for them. And then he devotes an entire blog to his excuses, and how you should never judge or be angry at that “100% wrong” thing. Hey, he said it was wrong.  (You drove him to it, but whatever.)

Frankly, the litany of chump “mistakes” is so long, the Universal Bullshit Translator is just hitting on the highlights. Enjoy.

The Most Common Mistakes Made By Betrayed Spouses in Recovering from an Affair

Believing that once your spouse agrees to end the affair or the behavior, it is truly ended. Quite often the betrayed spouse is somewhat naïve and actually believes that his or her mate is able to effectively flip and stop the behavior or talking to the affair partner. It is a lovely thought, but very unrealistic. Recovery may involve seeking out helping professionals as well as support groups. It takes time. Most people need help getting out of an affair. They are like addicts and it’s hard to kick an addiction by flipping a switch. Again, much depends on the type of affair they engaged in. If it was a one night stand, affair of “sexual opportunity”, then ending it is easy since it was just that. If it was a multi-year affair, few cheaters can instantly turn off all feelings. I have a blog entry on this subject.

I’m lying to you. That’s not a problem. Your naivety is the problem.

Cake is delicious. One does not effectively stop eating cake when one enjoys cake. Don’t you DARE take my fork from me!

Demanding that your spouse pledge 100% commitment to the marriage right at the moment of disclosure. Even if your mate is willing to make such a pledge it does not really mean anything. Your spouse may mean it in the moment, but not realize how big of a problem they actually have. Addicts cannot just stop using. People in emotionally entangled affairs have trouble disengaging.

Yeah, that 100% commitment I made on my wedding day? It didn’t mean anything either.

Not seeing forgiveness for what it is. Forgiveness is not a “free pass” or pretending it never happened, or saying what happened was ok. Instead, it’s an acknowledgment that you are going to let go of the anger associated with this. That at some level, you are choosing to put it aside and work on your marriage. I have a blog on the topic. I hear far too often Betrayed Spouses indicate that somehow if they forgive the affair, that their spouse “won” or “got away with it.” Far from it. This type of thinking is corrosive. I assure you, inside, they have paid a huge price and don’t feel like “winners.” Healing cannot occur until forgiveness is given. If you refuse to truly forgive, your marriage is doomed anyway.

I paid a huge price! Like, inside. You can’t see my bowels, but they’re irritable. I get gassy sometimes and I suffer shame and embarrassment from that. So enough with the judgment!

Forgiveness is accepting my false equivalencies.

Not being in reconciliation mode, but instead, being in revenge and punishment mode continuously and/or bludgeoning your spouse with guilt, thinking that this will be helpful. Your spouse already knows that what they have been doing is wrong, even if they will not admit it to you. Pointing such things out over and over again, especially after months or even years have elapsed since recovery was agreed upon, will usually only serve to push them away. It’s time consuming and counterproductive for you to concern yourself with punishing your cheating husband or wife, seeking revenge, or trying to pay him/her back for having an affair.

(The UBT feels that bludgeoning you could feel exceedingly helpful. Yet If It Feels Good Don’t Do It. Damn.)

Trust that even though they won’t admit cheating was wrong, or say it was wrong, they know it. And that should be enough for you shrieking harridans.

Your interests would be best served if you focus your energy and efforts on what the two of you can do to get their derailed marriage back on track. You cannot seek reconciliation and justice simultaneously. You must choose. If you seek to punish, to “even the score”, to continuously remind them how they betrayed you, don’t bother pretending that you are trying to fix things. If you are going to forever throw the affair in his/her face, your marriage is over.Of course, especially initially, you will have rage and anger. This is normal and expected.

But at some point, if you forgive, you to put this aside. Nasty comments. Sarcasm. Sneaky tricks like spying on them or trying to hack their phone or accounts. Withholding love or sex. Verbal assaults on your Wayward Spouse might make you feel better, but if you truly want to save your marriage, there has to be a point where this ends. If tantrums go on endlessly and unpredictably, only a spouse with no options and no self-respect will stay. They will leave you anyway.

You can’t expect someone with any self-respect to endure a marriage with sarcasm. Affairs though? Carry on!

Accountability is a sneaky trick! Don’t look at my phone. Marriages are derailed by transparency.

I would be very careful of the words you use in your anger — they will be remembered and can become an obstacle. Remember, they too have grievances against you and probably the underpinnings of why they sought love and understanding outside of the marriage. Don’t add to the grievances, if at all possible.

I see this as the number one mistake Betrayeds make in marital recovery. I read it constantly on message boards and blogs. Year or more later, and still nit-picking. Still punishing. Still humiliating their spouse. Still having meltdowns, and wondering why their marriage still sucks. Go figure. It’s easier to punish than to forgive, but completely counterproductive. Don’t do it.

Anger is humiliating. Cheating? Not so much.

Believing that you, the faithful spouse, are “blameless” and the only one who has things to forgive. Even if you were a good spouse, no one is perfect. Your unfaithful mate probably has hurts and things for which he or she must forgive you. After dealing with the pain of the affair, it will be helpful to look at the marital relationship completely and be honest enough to understand that affairs rarely happen in a vacuum — they are almost always in reaction to vast, unmet needs in the marriage — or outright abuse or neglect.

Affairs are wrong and there is no excuse for them, except that they’re almost always in reaction to VAST UNMET NEEDS or outright ABUSE and NEGLECT!

Not saying you did those things, just saying you’re not “blameless.” Am I blaming you? No, you should be blaming yourself. The mindfuck works better that way.

Happy and content spouses rarely have affairs. Once you understand this you are in a better place to pursue marital reconciliation. I constantly read how many Betrayed Spouses have an impossible time accepting this very basic concept. A poor marriage is not an excuse for an affair — there is no excuse – but it is almost always the reason. So don’t try and pretend it’s not.

It’s not an excuse, it’s a reason.

You weren’t working hard enough to make me happy. Work on that.

Being a “helicopter spouse.” Believing that you can keep your mate safe and away from temptation by keeping them under total surveillance. As tempting as it may be to make sure your mate is always safe and monitored, it is impossible. You can try to be with your mate 24/7, but unless you work together, it is not near possible. Honestly, it is not even possible if you work together. One of you may have meetings or errands that the other one may not be a part of. But if you think that the only way to keep your spouse faithful is to have them on some sort of “Virtual Leash”, then your marriage is already over. You can’t hover over them like some perpetual helicopter. Secretly tapping into their computer or phone, or putting GPS trackers on their car, etc. These are REALLY bad ideas. I wouldn’t do it. It turns YOU into the dishonest person. That type of control is not only likely to not work, but it will breed resentment.

The problem isn’t what I did — have a two-year affair — the problem is your reaction to that — demanding transparency.

The UBT is coughing up a hairball at “It turns YOU into the dishonest person.” (Yes, snooping is so much worse than cheating and lying…) but it would like to agree with you that hypervigilance is untenable. So is reconciliation.

Trying to convince your spouse that nobody will ever love him/her as much as you do. If your spouse is in an emotionally entangled affair, chances are good that he or she may already believe this is not true. It may even encourage an “I’ll show you I’m not such a loser” attitude. The reality is likely that their Affair Partner DID love them more than you did or showed and that’s why they were drawn to them — they felt more loved, desired, appreciated and understood by their Affair Partner than you. So making this argument to them to recovery may actually make them think in the opposite direction. Advice? Don’t argue it. SHOW them in your actions — your kindness, your love, your understanding, and how much you are willing to be honest and examine yourself as well during marital recovery.

Look, the OW is winning the pick me dance. You suck, just own that. And in exchange for owning your awfulness, lavish my wandering dick with more kindness, love, and understanding.

Exposing the affair to your friends, family, neighbors, coworkers. Threatening to expose your mate’s affair to everyone will only increase their guilt and shame, and may enrage them. More people may know already than you might realize. Some of them perhaps have even offered your unfaithful spouse support or encouragement in the affair or behavior. It will not keep your mate home. I see this suggested constantly on some Betrayed Spouse message boards and blogs — expose the affair to every one. Frankly, this is more about retribution and shaming your Wayward Spouse, and is likely to backfire. If my wife had exposed me to everyone, I am quite sure I would’ve walked out the door instead of reconciling our marriage.

Don’t tell anyone I was 100% wrong! EVER. I feel it silently inside my bowels and that’s ENOUGH.

I wrote a blog entry about the mistake, and pitfalls, of focusing too much on the Other Man/Woman during recovery. This is a trap. It might make you feel better, but it gets you nowhere in recovery and it made breed resentment in your Wayward Spouse. Obviously, at some level, they thought enough of this person to share very personal things with them. You trashing them out is as good as saying your Wayward Spouse is an idiot. Is this the message you want to send? Seethe if you wish. hate them. Assume that you are so much better looking/sexy/smarter/worldly/better for your spouse than them. But do it quietly.

Love me, love my affair partner. It’s that simple. She’s an extension of me and I’m perfect.

Trying to “woo” your spouse back and expecting instant gratitude and immediate results. Wooing can be more effective with certain types of affairs, but in any case, it will not produce immediate results. For example, a man with a sexual addiction may be grateful for the efforts, but it will not solve the problem. Understand, that at some level, in the immediate aftermath of an affair, your Wayward Spouse, while agreeing to marital reconciliation, may still be somewhat on the fence about your marriage. They need to be convinced too that the marriage can be saved. It takes time. They are shell-shocked and probably not unlike an addict concerning their affair. They too have to grieve to some extent. Results will come for both of you, but you must show patience and perseverance.

The pick me dance is assumed. One isn’t grateful for the pick me dance, it is a given. Persevere at the pick me dance and perhaps, just perhaps, I will pick you.

(Maybe. I’m a timid, shell-shocked, forest creature.)

Engaging in a “Revenge Affair”. In this emotional time, you may feel a desire to show your unfaithful spouse how it feels to be so betrayed and that if you do, your spouse will ultimately come humbly back. This is one of the most foolish things you can do. It will backfire. Not only will you enrage your Wayward Spouse, but now you will have your own guilt and shame to deal with. And frankly what you did is worse — why? It’s unlikely your Wayward had their affair purposely to hurt you. But if you engage in a “revenge affair”, you did it for one reason and one reason only — to hurt your spouse. To me, it would be unforgivable. You might as well have your divorce papers drawn up. Two wrongs never make a right, and engaging in a wrong to hurt your spouse doesn’t show character or a desire to reconcile. It’s simple childish retribution. I also have a blog entry on the dangers of the revenge affair. I wrote more on the topic here.

See, cheaters only have affairs because of what’s lacking in the marriage and your abuse and neglect. Which isn’t about you at all! But a revenge affair? That’s a personal affront! All that shit I said about forgiveness and patience? It doesn’t pertain to you.

Affairs are what you do when another person hurts you so badly you have to fuck someone else. Revenge affairs are what you do when another person hurts you so badly you have to fuck someone else are WRONG.

Relying on advice from “Infidelity” Message Boards: They are almost always dominated by Betrayed Spouses, usually who have a huge chip on their shoulders. Former Cheaters are rarely welcome there, unless they are the complete self-loathing variety. Opinions that contradict the standard POV on these boards are RUTHLESSLY censored. So you end up with one, monolithic set of opinions — usually those of the militant, negative variety. One set of advice from a group of bitter, vicious Betrayed Spouses, most likely.

Unlike my blog, I don’t ruthlessly censor anyone. I just refuse to publish anyone that judges me.

Bitter, militant, vicious chumps scare me. They might liberate my wife.


Thanks Jack. You’ve done a public service giving us this look inside the brains of cheaters — the staggering entitlement, the flamboyant narcissism, the silly pomposity.

Militant, vicious, bitter chumpdom salutes you.


This UBT ran earlier. Jack still sucks.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I started writing a response to one of his points about how he didn’t get the hurt the betrayed spouse experiences, then I kept reading and ALL of his points show that. The overall theme is that the mistake the betrayed spouse makes is not rugsweeping the affair. Blech.

    • Yeah this rubbed me the wrong way too. Your job as the betrayed spouse is to not bring up the affair, and not bother your cheater with any of your inconvenient feelings. Just go heal on your own. Work on yourself. This is all your fault anyway. Don’t make the cheater FEEL bad!

      Yeah, no thanks. Why would I want to reconcile with that kind of entitlement? Eat a dick, Jack.

      • He should rub everyone the wrong way. He had a blog before this that I stumbled upon over a decade ago on the infidelity site I went to while in the throes of wreckconciliation. He changed the blog name but his perpetual doucheiness lives on forever. Here are some fun facts about jacko:

        He carried on a two year affair and his cheating co- conspirator spilled the beans to wifey poo or threatened to. (I no longer remember) She was sick of being a side piece and wanted a promotion. That’s when he “confessed.” Take home message? He carried on a double life for two.freakin.years!!! Sociopath much jacko?
        It was his wife’s fault that he had the affair. It was “ totally wrong “ but she drove him to it.
        When asked (by me) on the infidelity site why it was wrong to check your souses phone if you suspected an affair because sometimes that’s the only way we can find out, he didn’t reply. When I asked him on his blog I was blocked.
        He had a following of female chumps, one in particular who worshipped him( gag me with a pitchfork please). He even went out to dinner with her, his chump and the cheating FW that was her husband. Talk about a double date from hell!
        I won’t say where he lives but here is a hint: It’s where another Douchebag “took his basketball talents” back in the day. (I am a legit sports fanatic who felt bad for the fans he left behind in a city that has little to celebrate in sports so that is why I consider him a DB-I am not referring to his abilities as a BBall player.)

        As a side note: I tried to find his wife online so I could send her a link to chumplady but I could not definitively find any online presence. Who knows if they are still married or living where I won’t mention but I hope she dumped his sociopathic, sorry, cheating, fuckwit ass!!!!

        Cheaterssuck out!

    • His blog is the epitome of entitlement. I considered leaving a few comments but no, it is not worth it.

      • His lopsided expectations of the chump are so ridiculous he actually presents a good argument for dumping the cheater.

        • Sunrise
          Exactly! How stupid. He made the whole case against himself and any other cheater. God they’re dumb.

        • Sunrise, EXACTLY! His entire post read to me, a chump, as “why it’s pointless to even try for reconciliation”. (note: that is for ME, personally, if other chumps go that route, I don’t judge them. That is their choice to make. But for me, there is no point, I know how I would feel).I would always be paranoid.)

          It’s funny because I think some of his points were sort of valid. IF you want to reconcile, it won’t be helpful to your cause to be suspiciously checking up them, their whereabouts, their phones etc. Guilting them and saying mean things about their AP is also not going to get the two of you closer to reconciled wedded bliss either. But to me, that just says “this is hopeless, you are never going to forget what they did, you are going to drive yourself crazy playing marriage police for the rest of your life. So recognize that you can’t do this and move forward with a divorce.”

          He might as well have said “if you want to reconcile, flap your arms really hard until you take flight, fly to another continent, raise a person from the dead, and poop out 7 million dollars cash into a bucket ” His list was equally impossible. (and of course insulting too as all the blame goes to the spouses)

  • I couldn’t stomach reading it all. So chumps can’t angry, sarcastic, hurt etc but be in reconciliation mode. What a load of crap. My ex gave me a hard to for not getting over it quickly (a few months) so that drove him to cheat on me again. Apparently they are allowed to screw us around for YEARS but we need to get over it in days. Vomit

    • The chump must not get angry, yet he says (twice!) that the chump shouldn’t do things because it will “enrage” the cheater. Hmm.

      • yeah what is it about that, I’m not supposed to hate the AP?? Hell with that…

    • Thank god for the fortitude of the UBT. It can digest things that’d make a billy goat puke.

      I’m with you, Chumpedtoomuch! Jack’s psychopathic logorrhea reminds me of FW, and I’m cheering loudly for every one of the UBT’s snack downs!

      🤖 > 😈 💩

  • I wonder: Does he have a comparable entry for the cheating spouse telling them what they do wrong in reconciliation?
    Nah, I don’t wonder. Of course he doesn’t.

    • Cheaters never “do” anything in reconciliation. They did nothing wrong. It’s not their fault! Chumps are supposed to work harder at everything. We are the ones who make the appointments, buy the books, READ the books, highlight the books, lose 20 pounds, and give them all our earnings but FWs are supposed to just enjoy and take it all in. And hide the cheating better.

    • There is a great numbered list in “Why does he do that” by Lindy Bancroft. Of course, cheaters are never going to crack a book, let alone follow the steps.

      But it was helpful for me to read to highlight what my spouse WASN’T doing.

      A highlight to encourage others to read this book: “4. Recognize the effects his abuse has had on you and on your children, and show empathy for those. He needs to talk in detail about the short- and long-term impact that his abuse has had, including fear, loss of trust, anger, and loss of freedom and other rights. And he needs to do this without reverting to feeling sorry for himself or talking about how hard the experience has been for him. ”

  • This is a nice little blueprint for when he/she cheats again. He/she has their excuses all lined up, the old “you are now responsible for my cheating” narrative. Look how nicely Jack set it up for you to fail again, Chump!

  • Thank you CL for using this to cover all the excuses!
    My, my, Jack is sure a know-it-all. “I wrote a blog on this.” He is simultaneously sharing his knowledge & setting himself up for why his marriage to his chump wife will someday fail. “I have a blog on this.” Of course , it won’t be because he’s a dick.
    The sad thing is, I would have believed any of those messages years ago. I now consider that abusive manipulation.

    • The thing that stings the most for me about this tripe, is how it plays into what we do desperately want to believe in the early stage of betrayal.

      It’s sad, but I would have rather believed that it was my fault. That would mean it was under my control, and therefore fixable by me.

      It was a long walk in the desert before I realized it had NOTHING to do with me, and there was nothing I could do about it except move on and get myself to safety.

      • “It’s sad, but I would have rather believed that it was my fault. That would mean it was under my control, and therefore fixable by me.” I feel this too, NotAnymore. Early on, I wanted desperately to be the one to blame because if it was about ME, I could fix it and not have to watch my life implode. And boy did he enjoy that.

    • Dr. Chump,
      I’ve had this experience, too, of having a comment registered as spam and not logged. I think I figured out why it happens to me, and maybe this is applicable to you, too. If I am signed into my email account my comments and upvotes register, but if I am not signed into my email, and just access my internet app (google chrome), my comments don’t register and are marked as spam. Not sure why this is.

  • I followed and believed almost all of this advice (not sure if this dipshit’s blog was the source or somewhere else as they all sound the same) and ex still chose to run off with Schmoopie rather than work on our marriage”. I think it was when the marriage counselor hinted that it wasn’t all about fixing me and that it might take some improvements on his part too that he chose to walk away. He was perfect after all and none of this was his fault. I just didn’t understand him and the pain that drove him to stray. My pain, of course, was irrelevant and unimportant. I am just ashamed that I bought into that for a short while. His leaving freed me to see things as they actually were. I was blameless damn it.

    This blogger has clearly visited Chump Lady’s website and didn’t like what he saw. Truth hurts.

    • I thank my lucky stars every day that the therapist, who my exFW had been seeing for several years and had exFW’s consent to also see me, told me during my very first visit that “none of this is your fault” and “there is nothing you could have done to prevent it.” During the previous years of treatment she had diagnosed him with NPD and probably BPD. My message to chumps is that there are good therapists out there and keep looking until you find one.

      • During the early days after D-day, FW and I saw a therapist who, after one session and after FW had left the room, said to me, “Don’t ride that elevator all the way to the bottom.” So yes, there are good therapists out there.

  • #1 mistake made by cheaters is being self absorbed narcissistic assholes who think they are the only ones who have feelings and the only ones who matter. No point in trying to reconcile when you have nothing to work with.

  • It is a persuasion piece for the RIC complex. Normalize cheating, make it seem not so bad so reconciliation appears more palatable. Love the part about how this shithead explains how the affair may not be over. All this translates to more time and money spent with counselors.
    As I have aged I rely more time the follow the money principle. Unfortunately, this helps explain a lot of actions taken by people and organizations.
    I never did any counseling.
    Thank God for LACGAL

  • Fuck that shit. A few weeks after my Final DDay, I Googled “Can cheaters stop cheating?” And THANK GOD Google brought me to Chump Lady. Otherwise, I would probably still be spackling and dancing and getting mindfucked to this day listening to all the other bullshit “advice” out there. I will forever be grateful to you and your 2x4s, Tracy.

    • Same. I welcomed him back after he chased me down professed his love and went on to explain the trickle truth. Went right back into old habits and schedule. I googled will he cheat again and found chump lady and told him no thanks it’s not going to work. After the first night of being hyper villigant (sp) And low crawling after his breathing went deep to get his phone and check it. I did not want to live like that! See ya!

      • The low crawl to get the phone! And then tiptoe to the living room (avoiding all the known floor creeks) with your phone to take pictures of everything you find! A life of HELL! Never again!

      • ” After the first night of being hyper villigant (sp) And low crawling after his breathing went deep to get his phone and check it. I did not want to live like that! See ya!”

        I found CL early fairly early on after Dday and I saw someone post about this sadly common, low crawling experience, in this case they were saying something along the lines of “I realized the AP “won” the big prize, she gets to be the one crawling to steal his phone and check it now, I can just sleep through the night”. That comment was SO helpful for me. It just clicked in a way that cut through all my hopium. IT’s funny, obv CL has a plethora of good advice and I absorbed it all like a sponge. But some things hit home for an individual more strongly than others, and it can often be a single story from a comment. Another concept that just works really well for me is “Is this relationship acceptable to you?”

  • Quick summation: “chumps are required to get over whatever FWs did. If chumps won’t shut the fuck up and put up with it, then the failure of the marriage is on them.” Okie dokie

    • And heaven forbid you be angry about it at any point. If you can’t forgive then it wasn’t the affair that destroyed the marriage, it was your reaction to it.

    • “Quick summation: “chumps are required to get over whatever FWs did. If chumps won’t shut the fuck up and put up with it, then the failure of the marriage is on them.” Okie dokie”

      It really is astounding but you are spot on, that is what his post says, essentially. The affair doesn’t end the marriage, apparently the chump’s inability to be ok with it is the problem. I am in the early process of divorce, we are going to try mediation, but I don’t have high hopes. I will try it because if successful, it would save $ and it’s what he wants, and I am hoping that at least trying this route will keep him from getting too contentious. Again, I am doubtful. Anyway, now that we are in the process of talking about actually splitting up, he is seeing what the consequences of his choices will be. (child support, having to move out, seeing his kid less) And yeah, it’s as if MY deciding on a divorce is the problem. Not his affair. (of course the affair is also MY fault.)

  • Next up, financial advice from Bernie Madoff.

    Surely these abusers, liars and con artists have other people’s best interests at heart.

  • Revenge affairs are not really done with the intention of hurting the Fuckwits. Revenge affairs happen when the utterly traumatized Chumps need to prove to themselves that they are still desirable despite the fact that their spouses abused them. Revenge affairs are the Chump purposefully blowing up any chance of reconciliation, which is a good thing, in my opinion.

  • How the hell am I going to continue to operate with all my convoluted affair manipulations on you if you are aware of what’s happening and start raining on my parade?! I call no fair!!
    Loved you way better when you were in the dark, blind to all my countless abuses, performing like the proper, steady and loving wife appliance you always were.
    Let’s get ourselves back to that mode of operation! I have 21 suggestions for you on how to make that happen.
    You having agency over your life is a really scary look for me.
    I much prefer cake. In fact, unlimited cake is my comfort zone.
    Let’s work on erasing all the ways I’ve failed you and get back to my needs and wants, the good old days.
    Forcing me to realize there are two people with needs in a relationship doesn’t seem fair to me. It’s completely overwhelming and exhausting, we need to adjust that again.
    Cake is my life totem, it keeps me in the happy range. Don’t you want me to be happy?

  • I ran across this comment today on Mark Manson’s site. (The topic today is about “why people cheat”.)

    Reason #4: If a person VALUES THEIR SELF-GRATIFICATION MORE THAN THE INTIMACY THEY GAIN from a relationship, then they will stop sacrificing for the relationship and are likely to end up cheating. If a person VALUES THE INTIMACY THEY GAIN FROM A RELATIONSHIP MORE THAN THEIR SELF-GRATIFICATION, then they will willingly sacrifice some of their self-gratification to remain faithful. (emphases are mine)

    The first sentence sounds like how “99 and 44/100%” of the EXes and FWs have been described on the site. The second sentence sounds like most of the citizens of Chump Nation that I have met on this site.

    (And if any of you have any issues about Mark Manson, please do not dump on me. I am not endorsing him, nor am I “plugging” him. I just found this comment to be thought-provoking and somewhat insightful, which is why I shared this comment with all of you.)

    • And if a person doesn’t value anything, they will feel entitled to do what they want when they please and they will not care who they hurt.

  • Enlightening.
    I found myself agreeing with him.
    This is how cheaters think.
    I experienced a lot of this in a brief wreckonciliation. My favorite was, “I would have come back to you, but I knew you would never forgive me and remind me all the time.” So because I didn’t forgive her in the future, she is justified in maintaining her affair. Right in line with this FW.

    • Yep. I got a version of this: “I want to come back, but you have to forgive me.” Oh, the entitlement. FW didn’t say, “I’m going to bust my butt to make amends and show you that I want to come back and save this marriage, and I’m going to do it unconditionally, meaning that I’ll risk that you may not forgive me in the end.” Oh no, he had to be assured FIRST that I would sweep it under the rug. In fact, he actually used that very phrase later on. At the time, I knew something about what he said bothered me, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Thank you, CL and CN, for explaining it to me.

    • Bruno, I got the same thing.

      “You will never forgive me right, I wish we could wake in our past life one morning and see that all of this was a bad dream.”
      He was saying these while he was maintaining the affair.
      If he walked two steps towards me I walked twenty steps towards him.
      He did not lift a finger to change things but I was the one to blame.

    • My ex said “too much has happened between us” for us to reconcile. Meaning that I would never be able to look at him with those wide, innocent cow eyes again, and he’d actually have to put in some effort to win back my trust and respect. So much easier to have a “fresh start” (his words, too) with some stupid girl with no morals who let him do whatever he wanted. OW also had no idea how abusive and difficult to live with he was. She learned.

  • that’s some serious jackspainin’ there.

    he doesn’t know jack-shit, that guy. he’s a trying to sell a heavy load of shit that a jack couldn’t lift. clicking his blog is no jackpot, no sirree. there are dangerous men named jack, as in jack the ripper, self-explanatory, and jack ketch, the hangman.

    hit the road, jack.

  • Eww. I need a shower after reading his words, justifications and “advice.” I hope his wife wised up & kicked his arrogant ass to the curb.

  • In the first two I was thinking “oh it’s not so bad, he’s essentially saying cheaters are morons”.
    Then it fuckin’ SPIRALED. This guy is a glaring abuser, you can tell by the way he thinks and the way he communicates his thoughts.

    Clearly he gets a high from teaching more “Betrayed Spouses” than his own to suck a cheater’s dick and just shut up.

    • Ugh. That’s how I read it too, which seems even worse because it does seem to start off as not so bad, so it’s like he’s trying to lure you into the rest of the garbage that he later (but not that much later) spouts. Classic cheater.

  • “you are choosing to put it aside and work on your marriage.” Wait, not the cheater. No. The cheater can’t just flip a switch and “turn off all feelings” for the AP. Don’t be ridiculous. But you chump, you with your scary anger, you must CHOOSE to put that rage aside right now if you have any hope for your marriage.

    Every word of this is garbage shot straight out of satan’s colon. The chump is supposed to convince the cheater (excuse me, “Wayward Spouse”) that the marriage can be saved? I want to find this man’s wife, pronto, so that she can protect herself and her sanity.

  • I am so sick of reading the bullshit about both sides having blame in the affair. I did not find that acceptable and still don’t which is why I am happily divorced. FW made hundreds upon thousands of decisions to have their fuck fests. They justify it by saying the chump is awful and sucks. If the Chump is that bad, then why can’t they just be honest and tell us we suck, and they want to end marriage. Oh yes, cake. After DDay2, I decided my cake serving days were over and I served him with divorce papers instead. It was a battle, and the fight went on for almost two years. It finally settled when he realized that he had committed perjury (yeah, what else is new, lying is just a part of their lives).
    I started dating a fellow chump recently and even though we are going very slow, it is still a bit difficult to trust again. I am watching to be sure actions meet with words and so far, so good. I am just a bit more cautious. Not sure if that is good or bad but it is part of the new me.
    I do not believe reconciliation works and I think too many people are trying to make the chump feel guilty and continue to serve as an appliance. No one deserves to be an appliance EVER.

    • Of course a betrayed spouse isn’t/wasn’t perfect. Who is? But what makes me really see red is the idea that falling short in some ordinary way is somehow just as bad as breaking the most fundamental commitment of a marriage.

      • THIS – and the idea that they cannot just be honest with us if we were truly that terrible and just end it, as ChumpedForANewerModel said. There is definitely some jiggering of truth and character happening.

        • FW stayed mostly quiet about how “miserable” he was til he found someone to serve as his safety net. He couldn’t just leave me because he was incapable of being alone. And I suppose since he wasn’t sure OW had staying power, he kept me on a string (for YEARS), just in case.

          No thanks. Once I had absolute confirmation of the affair (I unfortunately believed his BS excuses for far too long), I stopped trying. It was only when he realized I was done that he moved in with OW and made a whole show of a new family, etc. Poor girl [not], I’m sure she thought he was finally taking the next step in their forever, when he was just looking for someone to split the rent (he actually SAID that in front of magistrate, when confronted with the question of who would be living in the house with our son – “I can’t afford a place by myself”). OW cut and run after 3 WEEKS of living in the same house with him, LOL, and left him holding the bag. Stuck paying for a house big enough for 5 all by himself. Karma.

      • Exactly. Of course if we don’t accept our half of the blame than we are just horrible and bitter bunnies. Hell yes, I am bitter. I hate the fact that I was lied to, my health was put in jeopardy and money was stolen and countless other things. If being angry at that makes me a Crazy Bitch, hey I am willing to form a club of Crazy Bitter Bunnies!!!!
        FW had to cheat because I was a horrible human and yet he never talked to me about my horribleness!

        • Yep, his life was so miserable and he was so unhappy that he… never said a word. Just lived a double life for 7 years, future faking with me and telling me he loved me every day. Telling me all the time that I was his best friend. I was clearly a nightmare to be with.

          • Conchobara, exactly the same here.
            Every day, he told me he loved me more than anything else in the world. I was his best friend, he had never felt such a connection with anyone else, he couldn’t live without me. I was his everything.
            He repeated these exact things often, and at that time I thought that his actions aligned with his words.
            But, he was living a double life for over a year. I was blindsided. Even after I found out, he kept saying that he was always happy with me, and our type of connection happens only rarely.
            It was futile to hope that someone with such issues was going to see the damage he has done and correct things.

    • Cautious is definitely good. Just because someone is a fellow chump doesn’t mean they couldn’t cheat. I hope your new relationship is everything you hope for, though. xx

  • This really is the self-serving pile of sh*t that you would expect a Cheater to write.

    As for his point about infidelity message boards being dominated by “betrayed spouses with chips on their shoulders” he should ask himself where the Chumps got their “chips” from? He might have been better advised to have written “populated by betrayed spouses whose wisdom is derived from painful personal experience.”

    Jack is a git.


    PS – for some reason I keep getting a spam warning when I try to post.

    • Same with the spam warning. It took a while, but it eventually posted my comment. Some sort of glitch I guess.

    • This is so idiotic and abusive. Only idiots think they can be so slick.
      I’m just in awe… don’t do or say ANYTHING to further piss off the cheater it’s what got you here in the first place, isn’t little chumpy chump?!? I’m barfing in disgust
      And laughing at the ignorance of this “Jack” ass

    • LFTT,
      The “chip on the shoulder” comment ticked me off too. My FW hasn’t even moved out yet, this has dragged on so long because he doesn’t want to deal with his consequences and I am afraid of him. I am in therapy to address my fear and am making progress. (A couple of decades with a manipulative narc will really cause some issues.) Anyway, I am currently pretty bitter and carry quite a chip on my shoulder. He has had a years long affair. I think I have cause to be pissed. But I think this guy is missing the point about message boards like CN. I vent and see a lot of venting here. If you were to read everything I write here, you would see a very angry woman. But it’s not like I walk around like that 24/7. I vent here, and to my therapist. And that allows me to NOT be a raging ball of hate the rest of the time. It’s ok to be extremely pissed off. Anger can actually be really useful, it is more motivating than sadness. But the goal is to get to “meh”. I think we all want that and strive for it. But you have to get through fury before you can get to meh. It’s like you are waiting for the bonfire to burn out. It’s hilarious to me that this guy wants to shame us for being angry.

  • “Remember, they too have grievances against you and probably the underpinnings of why they sought love and understanding outside of the marriage.”

    “Love?” Is that what she was getting via sending pictures of her parts to ex-boyfriends? And I assume she gained great “understanding” when the plumber banged her on the kitchen table.

    Affairs are always about twu wuv and emotional safety! Except revenge ones, of course. How do you spell an eye-roll?

  • “Jack still sucks.”

    God his poor wife … I remember being so crushed in spirit I believed the BS too.

  • Jack is a total idiot. But he doesn’t want anyone to say it out loud. I wanted to quit reading so many times but I was almost laughing it was so 🤮!!!
    Thanks for sharing

  • As I read that, I kept hearing Kenneth Branagh as Gilderoy Lockhart smugly saying “For full details, ah, see my published works.”

    Also, his constant comparisons to other addiction scenarios somehow magically neglect the part about how boundary setting and refraining from enabling addicts are key tools for those impacted by an addict’s behaviors. By insisting cheating is an addiction, he is, by proxy, advocating for chumps to separate from the cheater.

    A partner of an addict has to protect themselves and their children from the harmful behaviors of cheaters. The partner has to give the addict space to be responsible for themselves and pursue their own recovery programs, which often includes relationship separation or even ending the relationship. That is how every informed and licensed authority on addiction advises the partner of an addict.

    And we can’t ignore how he capitalizes Betrayed Spouses to not so subtly suggest that the acronym for them is BS.

    One great way to avoid speaking one’s feelings of anger, hurt, sarcasm, and mistrust to a cheater is to stop communicating with the cheater. It’s 100% effective.

    After all, if the cheater dealt with their bad feelings by seeking what they needed outside the relationship, it makes equal sense that the chump should do the same. Take those pesky betrayal feelings out of the shared space so the cheater won’t have to feel bad about them.

    Take them so far away, in fact, that the cheater will never have to hear or face them again.

    I probably have a blog article about it somewhere. (Oh, look, I just read CL’s. Mischief managed.)

    • Yup. Funny how bad people love comparing themselves to addicts when it comes the support, patience, and understanding addicts receive, but not so much when it comes to the firm boundaries, lack of enabling, and expectation of taking personal responsibility for the harm they’ve caused.

  • Although I’m sure Jack didn’t in any way think of this – because why would he – this is an excellent view into the self-centeredness of FWs. Everything is about him and his feelings, and why he is the real victim here – and then there’s the underlying current of threat about how the Chump better keep their mouth shut, keep everything secret, and forgive or else.

    I mean, Jack even blames Schmoopie! She’s an addiction he can’t quit, and (because Jack is too dense for irony) a horrible person who lied to him about her true character, and she doesn’t have the decency to quietly vanish from his life once he’s through with her.

  • Well that boiled my piss.

    I notice he keeps likening cheating to addiction. As someone who was chumped by a (largely) secret alcoholic, I would like to share the advice given to family/friends of addicts: you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, you can’t cure it.

    Let’s place the blame and responsibility right back where it belongs!

    • Indeed. Addiction experts I’ve heard say to offer the reward of normality, engagement, and presence for non-use, and quietly remove all the reward and presence (without anger or fireworks) for use. So if cheating is like addiction, the proper response is to get the hell away. Unless and until the cheater changes under their own steam. (Which yeah – we know ain’t likely.)

    • He does seem to liken it to an addiction a lot. If it is an addiction, then why keep blaming the bs.

      Do drug addicts do drugs because they are unhappy in their marriage? Alcoholics?

      Are embezzlers able to blame their victim because they were unhappy in their job?

      • Well my Fuckwit did try to blame me/being unhappy with me for his drinking as part of his justification for leaving for the OW (the drinking that apparently wasn’t a problem to anyone other than me… and that was just the drinking I knew about). Then just over a year after Dday, his drinking blew his life up.

        Probably still my fault I’m sure!

        • Pretty sure Ben Affleck is quoted as blaming his family for his drinking as well. SMH.

        • FW’s became a full blown alcoholic entirely on the APs watch. Nothing says twu wuv like liver cirrhosis or driving each other around drunk on the freeway risking death and vehicular manslaughter charges. Meanwhile I never bought wine unless I was making coq au vin, bolognese or bone broth so FW would be going through major withdrawals whenever he was home– mystery solved about why he started being such a dick on long weekends and holidays. A few months before D-Day, I started adding Malbec to stir fry because of the resveratrol content and reported benefits for sports injury recovery but the idea is to cook the alcohol off completely so kids can partake. No buzz for FW so he drank the cooking wine. He became so defensive when I complained that I asked if he had a problem. He exploded and howled that the proof I didn’t really believe he was an alcoholic is that I had wine in the house.

          Huh? The truth was he was so far down the road to addiction he never appeared visibly drunk anymore, didn’t typically drink around the family and took out a secret “affair credit card” so, other than the fact he was drinking vinegary wine that had sat on the counter for a week and was so weirdly defensive, I couldn’t have known. But even if I had known, any AA sponsor would have told him it wasn’t on me to stop the resveratrol experiment. It really helped my knee injury and the kids’ growing pains and supplemental forms either suck or are too expensive.

          He turned out to have a bigger problem than I could have imagined. He and the AP blew through more than $20,000 USD in booze alone in the space of 18 months. I wondered how that was even possible so I looked it up. It seems the average alcoholic spends over $5K on alcohol per year or more in expensive regions. They each drank $10K in booze paid for on the family dime. There was a little consolation in the fact that they both looked it. Some people spend $10K on plastic surgery. They blew it all on bloaty jawlines, puffy eyes, thinning hair and beer guts while the kids and I got every dime back in the settlement.

          • My ex spent $80-$100 a week on booze, not including drinks bought at restaurants or bars. It was probaly more once he was with AP. But he wasn’t an alcoholic, oh no, absolutely not. [LOL] Nevermind he on several occasions drank very non-drink-on-their-own sort of things because they were all the alcohol we had, like vermouth or triple sec. Whenever he got upset, he reached for a bottle. Whenever there was something to celebrate, he reached for a bottle. Every night, and certainly in excess on the weekend. Everything centered on “what shall we drink this weeked?” I kept up with him for awhile, but after I had my son I lost my head for alcohol.

            FW got abusive and scary when he was drunk (or weepy and feeling sorry for himself), and while he’d always say he needed to quit drinking so that the explosions wouldn’t happen again, he never stopped. He never even tried. He thought he had great self control, so the idea of not keeping alcohol in the house wasn’t something he thought he needed to do.

            OW could apparently drink as much as he did, or more. She was a sloppy drunk and couldn’t say no. And apparently got just as fucked up when she was drunk as he did (anger, abuse, self-harm, etc.). Their landlord told me that he had never before seen so much alcohol/empty bottles (when he did his anual inspection of the home) as they had in their house. (That was we were waiting for the cops to come so the landlord could open the door for the cops to check if FW’s body was in the house, which it was. He had killed himself with booze and sleeping pills. It didn’t even take that much. His autopsy revealed fatty liver and an enlarged heart, both symptoms of long-term alcoholics.)

  • This article has the same cursed energy as ex-Fuckwit asking for an “amicable” divorce where we could “remain friends,” using every social interaction with me thereafter as an opportunity to insult and degrade me, and then, when I pointed out that I didn’t want to remain friends on those terms, saying, “Ope, that’s not very amicable of you, you promised you’d be amicable.”

    These people end up with everything they want in life and it’s disgusting.

    • Been there…. all I still care about you and want us to be great parents blah blah, with some high level gaslighting in just to make sure he was going to squarely be blamed for how awful life had been for him (really twisted stuff) right up to the point I faced him and told him I knew what had actually been going on (guess what omitted whole affair! Oops). From that point onwards I got incredibly patronising rude responses that were laughable and now even if we’re to email abott it say some spare socks for child I am not given any acknowledgment like a petulant 3 yr old. But I bet he has a wonderful narrative about how bitter and awful I am.

      Red rag to me is everyone telling ME that we should try to get on for our daughter. You are talking to the wrong person I always say, I am no longer responsible for that human turd who is an enemy , NOT a friend who I have no space for in my life.

  • I posted a long, convoluted message earlier about how the pick me dance doesn’t work and how CL literally saved my life v Andrew Marshall but it got lost in the Ether

    However, CL equals high self esteem, high value eg, I am worth more aka ‘is this relationship acceptable to me?’ versus make your needs small, accept what you did to make people abuse you

    Really? In this day and age we have to accept culpability for abuse?! Why do cheaters get to berate their victims, the same parents who clean up their mess

    In the words of George Michael, Choose Life

    Choose Life, choose CL and literally gain a life like I did

    Andrew Marshall made me want to die, CL made me laugh and want to live. For me and my child

    • Not to give anything away, but I’ve started a podcast with a Brit, Sarah, who’s a BBC radio presenter (as her day job). It’s called Tell Me How You’re Mighty. And she’s determined to get Andrew G Marshall on the show. Maybe you can call and give him your regards personally.

      • Oh, please let it be Tracy! I followed his advice, to the letter, after getting the usual speech from ex FW about no longer loving me etc

        After years of what I thought (and all my friends and family thought) was a wonderful marriage

        I scratched my head and of course, he denied that there was anyone else, hence my pick me dancing

        News flash, it didn’t work, despite me being the perfect, Stepford wife and of course there was someone else 🤦‍♀️

        They’re not original, tale as old as time

        His website is full of people giving him what for too 😂

        He prays on the desperate

      • That’s so exciting. Here’s my hinty-hinty wish list that instantly springs to mind.

        I hope Patrick Carnes’ drivel is targeted, even if indirectly. That guys burns my liver. I’d love to hear what, say, founding psychotraumatologist Frank Ochberg thinks of Carnes’ hijacking and mutating Ochberg’s perfectly serviceable and apt expression “captor bonding”– which revolutionized domestic violence victim advocacy– and turning it into Carnes’ subtly abuser-coddling/victim-negating “trauma bonding.” I’d love to hear Richard Wrangham espouse his evolutionary theory on human monogamy and what he thinks of cheaters trying to enforce it in a one-sided sense. I’d love to hear what Susan Faludi has to say about Monica Lewinsky being awkwardly pasted on the #MeToo bandwagon and the whole sex-pozzy OnlyFans trend in general and college students being forced into sex work and “sugaring” to pay off loan debt. I’d love to hear what Andrea Dworkin’s widower, radical feminist John Stoltenberg, thinks of Esther Perel. And finally I’d like to hear what the spearhead of coercive control legislation, forensic psychologist and veteran shelter advocate Evan Stark, thinks of cheating as a form of coercive control.

  • He’s right about one thing. If you feel you need to fix an ankle bracelet and phone monitoring software to your cheater, you might as well get the divorce papers drawn up.

  • What a bunch of selfish attitudes this guy has! And pretty much all his advice sucks!
    ‘Year or more later, and still nit-picking. Still punishing. Still humiliating their spouse.’ Know why? Because the Chump should have left. Problem solved, new life begun!
    I’ve been there, done that, because I hadn’t met ChumpLady yet. Trying so hard to make a decent partner out of a self centered cheater, will never work. Glad I finally gave up and moved on.

  • “Obviously, at some level, they thought enough of this person to share very personal things with them. You trashing them out is as good as saying your Wayward Spouse is an idiot. “

    And yet they at some point thought enough of the BS to share very personal things with them, but trashed the BS with abandon to the whore. Is that not proof that they are an idiot?

    “Most people need help getting out of an affair. “

    And yet they needed no help walking away from a long term marriage and getting into an affair.

    “If it was a multi-year affair, few cheaters can instantly turn off all feelings.”

    And yet they could instantly turn off their feelings from a long term BS.

    So much pig slop to wade through in that diatribe; but the above are ones I noticed.

    • BINGO.

      And I think “your wayward spouse is an idiot” is essentially the theme of this whole thing. An idiot who threw away marriage to a good, solid person because they believe they are entitled to f whoever they want and f OVER whoever they want.

      No, thanks. Bye bye FW.

  • Holy Fack! I’m gonna have to read this in parts (or not even read any further) because the blaming, excusing & unreasonable expectations for the betrayed spouse are on a whole other level of gaslighting!!!! I hope no one gets gaslit into believing ANY of what Cheater Jack is peddling!!!

  • “Your spouse already knows that what they have been doing is wrong, even if they will not admit it to you.”
    If a cheater won’t admit what he or she did wrong, then the chump has nothing to work with. Period.

    • Right!!!

      Chump is supposed to dig deep and own their fault, but cheater may be too wounded to admit their fault.

      I don’t say this often, but what a flaming ass wipe.

  • I couldn’t read it all the way through in any detail without feeling ick, but here’s my summary, “OK, we’ll reconcile, but I’m in charge. Period.”

    Nope. I’ll go on without you then.

  • Well, there is one sentence fragment of Jack’s worth saving:

    “your marriage is doomed anyway.”

    Sure, the got the reason it is doomed wrong, but he came to the right conclusion

  • In the early months of discovery, and then a couple years after that, I did everything Jack said. The result was that I was eating shit sandwiches and he was eating a cake, barefacedly. For a couple years. No one, who is capable of doing such damage to you appreciates your trying. They continue to disrespect and abuse you. Some might think that in case of a one night affair, there is a good chance of saving the marriage. Who can guarantee that you will not be chumped again? They were capable of doing it once, and once is enough. That’s all we need to know. You do not need to wait around to see if this will happen again.

    In my case, he began to show me respect only after I left. Only after I said no to his mental abuse and gaslighting. But I could not have cared less about his respect at that point.

    “Happy and content spouses rarely have affairs”. This shows that Jack knows nothing about affairs. It is clearly stated in many studies that this happens to happy couples a lot. My ex and I were so into each other that everyone around us would say that they have not seen anything like it, and that this kind of love happens rarely. For over 13 years. So, I was extremely blindsided and I became depressed to a point of wishing to die. I did not know what depression was in my life until then. I read very similar stories online and here as well. So Jack, you are wrong.

    “ The reality is, it is likely that the ap loved them more….” Weekend trips, expensive gifts, time stolen from family, luxury hotels.. Sure, I am sure they love these and attention. But true love requires hard work. It always shines in the worst circumstances. What if the betrayer gets sick, paralyzed? What if the betrayer is in need of dire need, is bankrupted? Has old family members to take care of? Will the ap show the same enthusiasm she/ he has showed in the hotel rooms? Will they even be around? So, what is the meaning of love for you Jake?

    Many betrayers make sure that you are in a triangle with them. If they were loved more somewhere else, why do they need you in the picture? Did you ever think that no amount of attention is enough for them?

    • Yep, odd how betrayed spouses most times are never awful enough to leave until the cheater is caught.

      They are awful enough to cheat on, lie to, steal from and verbally abuse, but never bad enough to leave until the sunlight shines on the cheater.

    • Perfectly said, @NotFromVenus! Cheaters are a bottomless pit of need for attention and constant triangulation.

      I also was blindsided by the discovery of his “secret sexual basement” to quote Dr. Omar Minwalla. We had a super loving marriage from my perspective for 15 years – the kind of palpable love that bystanders thought was out of a great love story. Had me totally fooled until I found a text to his male HOworker one day…

    • “If they were loved more somewhere else, why do they need you in the picture?”

      Exactly. I told my cheater, the minute he told me he had had (in the past, according to him) feelings for OW, that he was free to be with her and I’d step out of the way and leave him to it. He lied and said that it was over, he loved me, nothing had happened, cried, blah blah blah. And then continued the affair behind my back.

      FW never showed me respect, even after I left. He had to learn that he couldn’t manipulate me any more, but that translated to anger/blame/threats/abuse/etc., not respect.

    • ““ The reality is, it is likely that the ap loved them more….” ”

      In my case, the affair went on for years before I knew. AP is on the opposite coast. FW could only have seen her less than a handful of times, I can think of 3 times it was possible, he admits to 1. She couldn’t possibly have loved him more than me. I have been there for him for 2 decades. Supported him through losing family, had his child, good times and bad, etc etc. She knows him ONLINE only. She sees a FRACTION of who he is, the fraction he WANTS her to see.

      What she has that I don’t is that “new car smell”. That spark that occurs in a new relationship in the beginning. And as they are long distance, they have been able to keep that “honeymoon” feeling for years longer than most relationships. I can’t compete with that. I don’t want to, but even if I did, she is 15 years my junior, and doesn’t do his laundry and endure his daily mood swings. She sees a handsome charming, funny guy that thrives on her attention and I assume gives her back just as much attention. He probably was texting her while I was cleaning his pee off the wall next to the toilet. Of course her love seems sparklier. It’s not based on reality.

      • SortOfOverIt, this is just two attention seekers getting off on the attention they receive. You are right, there is no relationship here. It would be ridiculous to call it “love” but I would not be surprised if they did call it so at some point. One must be absolutely detached from the real life to continue something like that. That is why most of us were worried at some point that our exes -who were living double lives -were going through some kind of a mental problem because they turned into complete strangers and began acting like robots. In my case, I was desperately counting how many times he was lying to me. I would feel happy if his quota of lies were not too many during the day/ week/ month. Those were my “pick me dance” times. It gives me goosebumps to even remember it. But Dr. Omar Minvalla’s “secret sexual basement” metaphor is so powerful that I stopped thinking about the number of the lies. I realized that it was the capacity of my ex having a secret basement. This completely changed my perspective to everything.

  • Hmmm lllleeeets re-write this…

    “Believing that once your spouse agrees to end the affair or the behavior, it is truly ended.”

    They will likely just go further underground. It’s not uncommon for a cheater to claim an affair is ended, but they often say that to your face, while created new secret emails, changing their routines, and even burner phones. They can show you the AP is deleted on their phone, only to be listed under a new name in it, or just placed on the burner phone. It’s a gamble to trust someone who has been demonstrably untrustworthy and has been willing to use deception to go behind your back. This will put you in the position of marriage police.

    “Demanding that your spouse pledge 100% commitment to the marriage right at the moment of disclosure.”

    They will likely be in the middle of mindfucking you, pushing for the pick me dance, feigning remorse, or trickle-truthing you. Expecting a REAL re-commitment at this point is a waste of energy and you should never plead with a cheater.

    “Not seeing forgiveness for what it is.”

    Often it is just going to be used as a hall pass by the cheater to not take responsibility. The cheater will often demand you “let it go” or “forgive me already.” You do not have to forgive on a cheater’s timeline, or at all for that matter. Nobody gets to demand forgiveness, that’s not how it works. You also do not have to allow someone in your life again, even if you do choose to forgive. You can forgive, but still hold the boundary of not communicating with this person again.

    “Not being in reconciliation mode, but instead, being in revenge and punishment mode continuously and/or bludgeoning your spouse with guilt, thinking that this will be helpful. ”

    It isn’t, but not for the reason you think. Punishing someone who doesn’t care will only drain your energy. And trying to reconcile with someone doesn’t care will only be a black hole of suffering. They know what they did was hurtful to you, they just don’t care. You can’t force them to care, nor can you nice your way into them loving you. There’s no amount of “reconciliation mode” that will be good enough for them, and it puts the onus of saving the marriage on you.

    “Your interests would be best served if you focus your energy and efforts on what the two of you can do to get their derailed marriage back on track.”

    You cannot get a marriage back on track when you have nothing to work with. When someone has betrayed you deeply, especially if it was several months or years, you cannot unring that bell and the trust is vanished. If you are working with a spouse who blames you for their betrayal, there will be nothing that will be enough for them. There will always be something they will still find wrong with you, and then the onus of making it perfect will be shouldered on you, lest they stray again. You cannot single-handedly save a marriage. Both need to be invested. If you have been cheated on for a long period of time, or multiple times, you do not have someone who is invested in the marriage. You have someone who is invested in THEM and that’s it. It’s in THEIR interest to have you begging and pick-me dancing. It’s NOT in your interest to do this.

    “I would be very careful of the words you use in your anger — they will be remembered and can become an obstacle.”

    Anger can be a tool to propel you into action, I.E. finding a lawyer. However, anger taken too far can end up hurting you in the process. Remember, if it feels good, don’t do it. Slashing their tires and painging “CHEATER CHEATER PUMPKIN EATER” on their car and “WHORE” on the AP’s house might sound like a fun plan, but it wouldn’t look good in the eyes of the law. Screaming at each other in front of any children you have is also not advisable. But channeling your anger towards getting your ducks in a row, drafting a divorce decree, and kicking the bum bag out can keep you from getting stuck.

    “Believing that you, the faithful spouse, are “blameless” and the only one who has things to forgive. Even if you were a good spouse, no one is perfect.”

    Here is where you have your chance to think about whether or not the relationship is acceptable to you, and if it’s not, why did you believe you deserved the abuse? This doesn’t mean you think about “what you did to contribute to the affair,” think about what you can do in future relationships to uphold boundaries and choose a partner who is aligned with your values. It’s not uncommon for chumps to blame themselves, cry, beg, pick-me dance, etc. Ask yourself what part of you pushed you to try to keep a toxic person in your life and work through that. This isn’t a time to allow the cheater to blame you, it is a time to think about how you will improve on your self-confidence and boundaries in the future.

    “Being a “helicopter spouse.”

    This is the marriage police. And it’s another huge energy drainer. Do you really want to spend your marriage constantly having to check their phone, demanding access to passwords and emails and social media, constantly looking over your shoulder expecting them to tell you where they are and who they’re with every minute? That’s not a marriage, it’s a hostage situation. You can never feel fully relaxed in a situation like that. It’s best to let that marriage be over and move on to someone that doesn’t require you spending most of your energy policing their every move.

    “Trying to convince your spouse that nobody will ever love him/her as much as you do.”

    This attitude is unhealthy in any relationship. It sends the message that nobody else would ever want them. This is a phrase commonly used by abusers to isolate their targets and make them feel worthless and dependent. It is not a sweet sentiment, it’s a backhanded one. Don’t fall into this trap. In a cheater/chump relationship, it can also have the detrimental effect on the chump of convincing them that nobody will love THEM either, and they get stuck with the cheater thinking there’s nothing else out there. If you or the cheater start a sentence with “No one will ever love you as much as I do…” stop. Think about what the goal is with this line of thinking. It’s not going to stop a cheater from cheating. And if a cheater is saying it to you, they are trying to mindfuck you into staying.

    “Exposing the affair to your friends, family, neighbors, coworkers. Threatening to expose your mate’s affair to everyone will only increase their guilt and shame, and may enrage them.”

    Think about to whom and how you are telling your truth. Are you doing an email blast to their whole company and the family with the tagline “BEHOLD THE GREAT SPARKLEDICK!” Or…are you telling the simple truth to family when they ask what happened? “They had a secret girlfriend/boyfriend” “They were unfaithful and I decided to end it.” They may feel guilted or shamed, but only because others found out the truth. Rage can sometimes be dangerous, depending on if there were additional forms of abuse in the relationship. It is not wrong to tell the truth of what happened and you are under no obligation at all to keep their secrets. But there are better ways to go about doing it than plastering their name on a billboard on I-80 and handing out a flyer to the electrician checking your fuse box.

    “the mistake, and pitfalls, of focusing too much on the Other Man/Woman during recovery. This is a trap.”

    Comparing yourself to the AP will only make you feel worse, and comparison is a way to goad you into the pick-me dance. Don’t do it. A lot of chumps are guilty of seeing the AP and thinking “what do they have that I don’t?” or feeling bad about the AP’s better hair/body/gym routine/toe nail clipping habits, but this will just cause you more pain and no resolution. Don’t stalk their social media, don’t try to change your life to compete with them. TRUST THAT THEY SUCK. They might have a tan/blonde hair/whatever but they also made the choice to sleep with someone’s spouse.

    “Trying to “woo” your spouse back and expecting instant gratitude and immediate results.”

    This will be a neverending black hole. You cannot “nice” someone into being sorry, and cheaters are deep pits of entitlement and drama. This is the pick-me dance, and it creates a dependency on the cheater’s approval. STOP. Don’t kiss their butt! Don’t base your worth on gaining their approval, don’t fight over the cheater with an AP, and don’t sink your energy and efforts into someone who does not reciprocate. Spend some energy “wooing” yourself. Fall back in love with yourself and who you are, and give yourself the support you need to not put up with this mistreatment.

    “Engaging in a “Revenge Affair”.

    Some chumps might feel like this will “even the score,” or “make them suffer like they made me suffer.” I guarantee you, this only makes everything worse. Not only does it not make the cheater suffer and see the error of their ways, it brings you down to their level. Don’t stoop. The cheater will also use this as ammo to absolve themselves of anything they did. Don’t do it. Don’t. Do not.

    “Relying on advice from “Infidelity” Message Boards”

    These are often FESTOONED with RIC shilling unicorns. There will be pages and pages of chumps claiming they’ve achieved reconciliation with spouses who are clearly not sorry, who are making the chumps miserable, and stories of marriage policing. Some of them are even chock full of “Affair Proof Your Marriage” self-titled “experts” selling their affair-proofing programs for $99.99 who will just tell you unless you do everything they tell you (typically involving a great deal of chump-blaming) you will only end up cheated on again. Unless you are looking for some RIC word-salad, stay away from these kinds of boards.

    • You and CL deserve medals for these analyses. I think a lot of newly minted chumps could feel crushingly discouraged and disheartened by epic bs like the crap Jack(silent “shit”) is peddling and you basically just declawed it all point by point.

      • Some of the points aren’t bad ones, “Jack” just takes them in a completely wrong direction.

        • You could really say the same about Mein Kampf. Who could argue with, “Do not compare yourself to others. If you do so, you are insulting yourself” or “The man who has no sense of history, is like a man who has no ears or eyes.” It’s the direction the author takes this in that’s, uh, problematic.

          • Exactly. He’s more likely to get people to listen to him if he sprinkles his bullshit with nuggets of truth.

  • This whole thing just makes me want to scream endlessly. A roar of rage. The entitlement, the telling chumps to shut up and take it, the blameshifting. It’s disgusting and makes me want to throw things. Heavy things.

    • But, according to Jack, you’re “in your anger” and we can’t have that now can we! No throwing things. No raging. Just sit back quietly and take it like you’re supposed to. My STBXFW looooooves to tell me that I’m in my anger. Damn right asshole. I’ll be angry until I fucking die. Betraying and lying to me for 30 years does tend to piss me off. eyeroll

      • What a stupid phrase, you’re “in your anger”. What’s it supposed to mean, as opposed to “you’re angry” ?

  • I just realized– in a kind of blinding flash of clarity– that the “split blame” thing of cheaters and RIC purveyors falsely holding chumps accountable for “their part” in cheating isn’t so much about keeping FWs from running away and giving up on the relationship. It’s to keep chumps from leaving. It’s a coercive hostage-taking tactic. It says to the victim, “In your current traumatized state where you feel like your life depends on being surrounded by social support in order to heal, I’m going to ensure you get none if you dare to leave or tell your truth because I’ll tell everyone how you made me cheat by being such a shitty, disgusting, unlovable, cheat-on-able person.”

    I don’t think it’s any different from the preemptive silencing tactic used by a lot of rapists and batterers. The most gutting thing a perpetrator can do to a victim after the fact is ultimately the simplest and easiest: to either deny the crime or hold the victim accountable for it. Preemptively indicating to the victim that the perp will do this can act as a gag order. A simple denial of the crime warns that bystanders will be led to believe the victim would go so far as to injure themselves to “frame” an innocent person which seems– especially to an innocent person– like being accused of an unpardonable offense. Someone who’s just been brutally violated can scarcely stand the idea of facing bystander cynicism towards them, which is why I think rapists and batterers typically weave some sort of blameshifting, shaming mantra into their assaults: “You want it/you’re making me do it/stop fighting/look at how crazy you’re acting…” The mantra is made all the more potent and spellbinding to the extent that perpetrators can make themselves believe their own blameshifting– a type of ingrained, guilt-reducing self-talk clinically referred to as “neutralization” (“reduction of self punishment”) that enables people to repeatedly commit heinous acts to begin with. The perpetrator’s intense investment in their own bs guarantees that at least a portion of bystanders will believe the bs and condemn the victim. It effectively leaves victims holding tigers by the tails because “letting go” in the form of escaping and reporting will likely unleash even more carnage, not just from the abuser but from the abuser’s supposed minions.

    I was thinking this yesterday when reading about Brandi’s feverish groveling for amnesty from her ex-abuser that came in the form of spanking other victims who didn’t properly defend abusers’ narratives, as if to say, “See honey, I’m so loyal that I’m policing and silencing those uppity victims who won’t pretend the abuse ‘wasn’t that bad’ and don’t properly curl up into furry balls at the feet of their masters. I’m a good girl I am! (please, please don’t hurt me anymore).” I’m guessing Brandi had probably been subjected to Pavlovian brainwashing for the entire marriage in the form of vicious blameshifting to the point that she was cornered into not only a truce but into the mandated role of abuser PR agent and defender. Getting victims to police and silence other victims is the first step in the transformation from victim to abuser. It’s the same process by which people in repressive police states like the former East Germany grub a bit of amnesty for themselves by becoming frantic informants. It’s like getting Persephone to eat pomegranate seeds. Once a victim is inculcated, it’s harder for them to escape hell.

    I was also thinking about the fact that FW in my case, by repeatedly owning full responsibility for his behavior and exonerating me in writing, actually made it feel safer for me to leave. Ironic, right? He probably thought it’s what he had to do to save the marriage. I probably thought the same thing at first but it had the reverse effect.

    Jack’s smarmy defense of APs and the “twueness” of their “wuv” reminded me of another curiously “liberating” thing that FW did: he stopped defending the AP. Probably as a result of exploring his own narcy mother’s covert incest and chronic coercion and manipulation, he concluded that the AP was a criminal piece of shit. It didn’t matter whether he stuck to that view or not since he wrote it down. To me, it felt tantamount to, say, a political tyrant officially denouncing their own rabid supporters, basically giving up the power of the bully gang and leaving themselves standing alone and defanged. Any dictator who did this would find themselves swallowed by insurrection. It made me realize that cheaters’ defense of APs– like Jack’s treacly tribute– can smack of coercive strategy in a sense because it indicates that the victim remains effectively outnumbered, particularly since many APs are, by default, so intensely invested in the destruction of chumps. This automatically adds another fear factor.

    I think it’s what’s meant by the reference to Psalm 22– “the power of the dog”– that became the title of the film that was, in essence, about turning the tables when outnumbered and how all abuse relies on victims feeling “outmanned.” I’m not religious but can appreciate the brilliance of certain scripture:

    “For dogs have compassed me: the assembly of the wicked have enclosed me: [victim is outnumbered]
    they pierced my hands and my feet.
    I may tell all my bones: they look and stare upon me. [no one will believe the victim]
    They part my garments among them, and cast lots upon my vesture. [all the more dangerous for being invested in profiting from torment]
    But be not thou far from me, O LORD: O my strength, haste thee to help me. [the victim empowers themselves by reminding themselves they’re not alone and thus evening the odds]
    Deliver my soul from the sword; my darling from the power of the dog.”

    The power of the dog lies in the pack, not just in terms of the pack’s power to destroy an isolated victim but in making the victim despair that evil is legion.

    In the film, the villain’s power to drive the protagonist’s mother to suicide and torment the protagonist for his nascent homosexuality are amplified by the villain’s control over all the ranch hands who dutifully parrot the abuse and make the trap seem all the more insurmountable. In order to disperse the pack, the protagonist first has to cleave the leader– his step-uncle– from his bully brigade by uncovering the step-uncle’s repressed homosexuality and then dangling subtle bait to lure the villain into a state of mental and social isolation where he can more easily be taken down.

    Jack’s last update was in 2017. Wonder if that ended with D-Day #5? It’s also interesting that Jack’s photo and age, like every Tinder cheater ever, hadn’t been updated since 2013. Anyway, the blog itself seems like a coercive measure to terrorize the victim that she would always be outnumbered by a kind of cheaters’ union and that Jack wielded the power of the dog. I hope his chump got combat pay because I think it’s obvious Jack and his enthusiastic followers would go on to FW again.

    • “The power of the dog lies in the pack, not just in terms of the pack’s power to destroy an isolated victim but in making the victim despair that evil is legion.”
      I think this is so scarily true, and also the way so many of our societal institutions work, particularly present day and count on us buying into that false assumption
      You are a brilliantly keen observer, HOAC. Your insight is always next level and I much appreciate the enlightenment I attain from reading your posts. Much wisdom is being generously shared here from your prolific life readings and unquenchably curious mind on your quest for knowledge.
      Thanks for taking such lengthy time to share your discoveries. I’ve saved so many of your posts for some time now.
      There are countless chumps on this thread from CL on down who share amazingly hard fought wisdom with the impactful power of words and I will always be eternally grateful for their generosity of spirit.
      Finding Cl and CN, life preservers of blessings to my life, when the raging sea of chaos,fear, distrust and confusion was on a destructive course to drown me in its swells.
      You are indeed one of those blessings, HOAC. Thanks. 🛟🌊😊👍💕

    • “It’s to keep chumps from leaving. It’s a coercive hostage-taking tactic. It says to the victim, “In your current traumatized state where you feel like your life depends on being surrounded by social support in order to heal, I’m going to ensure you get none if you dare to leave or tell your truth because I’ll tell everyone how you made me cheat by being such a shitty, disgusting, unlovable, cheat-on-able person.”

      FW actually came out and said this to me. But one of the people he threatened to “tell the ‘truth’ to” was our child. “I’ll make sure he knows what his mommy really is”. Can you imagine a better way to silence a victim?

      Once I dared to share a meme on Facebook about emotional abuse. Just a meme, no commentary. The result was a phone call where he screamed at me and said he would “take me for everything I had” in the divorce. I tried to ask some friends in a Facebook group I was in for advice (why is my husband being getting angry over little things?) and he terrorized me until I took the post down (funnily I was DEFENDING him to these ladies, one of whom was wise enough to say “it sounds like he’s cheating” when I described his recent behaviors; I said “he’d never do that”. But that lady was right.).

      I was also told by FW that no one liked me, his friends only tolerated me for his sake (this turned out to be true, as they all cut me off an welcomed OW), I would never find anyone to love me, I was ugly and undesirable, etc. (And then would contradict himself saying I would have no trouble finding a man to take care of me because I was such a slut and could just put on a mini skirt and have any guy I wanted [wtf?].) He had already pretty effectively isolated me from my friends and most of my family. Fortunately I still had my mom close by, and my lawyer was very supportive, and my BFF stuck by me the whole time (she was never taken in by FW’s charms, and he hated her for that; he tried to get me to stop seeing/talking to her by badmouthing her constantly, but it didn’t work). Other than those three, I lost EVERY SINGLE FRIEND I’d had (people who had known me for 10, 15 years just cut me off, and not a single one so much as asked me if I was okay, they just fell all over OW and ghosted me completely).

  • So ….. Cheaters are liars and chumps are naive. 👍🏻Cheaters like the thrill they get from their cheating partners and don’t want to give that up. 👍🏻Cheaters are not to be trusted. 👍🏻Cheaters don’t want to deal with the anger they caused in their marriage👍🏻, they’d rather spend time with their follow cheating partner and their mutual ‘I’m so hooked on you’ festival👍🏻. They don’t want to be told what a shit they are👍🏻. It doesn’t feel good, so don’t not make them not feel good. The cheater’s feelings are VERY important to the cheater👍🏻. Cheater blames you for his/her actions, so don’t give them more reason to leave you by showing negative emotions re the cheating that you caused.👍🏻’Even if you were a good spouse, no one is perfect’ cheater thinks that statement justifies his/her enormous and life altering betrayals.👍🏻Cheater sees the fact that the marriage had issues as the chumps fault and that spouses who don’t cheat come from mythical perfect marriages👍🏻.Cheater can’t comprehend that many people with imperfect lives and marriages have integrity. 👍🏻Cheater doesn’t want to be ‘hurt’ by the devastated spouse not thinking the other man/woman was a catch.👍🏻Cheater thinks it’s on the abused spouse to check themselves and make sure they get it all right in order to win the Mr/ Ms sparkly pants back. 👍🏻
    I agree that this posts represents the mind of a cheater and how cheating abuse is sadly often portrayed in society.

  • This perfectly encapsulates the cheater’s mindset. Blame the victim, minimize the abuse, gaslight everything. If this prick was talking to someone who was physically abused he would say “First think to yourself, what did I do to make them so angry?”

  • “Happy and content spouses rarely have affairs.”
    So true. This one he got right. Us chumps dont cheat because we know happiness and contentment. We find joy in our work, our family. Cheaters are never happy and content. They never will be, it is against their nature. Never happy, never content, never joyful. Sure, if they get a bonus, or new car, they temporarily have a jolt of happiness. But it doesnt last. They are always elusively chasing happiness. I pity them sad sausages.

    • I wanted to address that, but just couldn’t put the words together. You did, and you have nailed it.

      I believe my ex spent his whole life running away from himself, and he used illicit sex as his drug of choice.

      He made a big deal out of quitting drinking when our son was very small, about 2 years old. His dad was a confirmed alcoholic and he said he didn’t want to be like his dad. To my knowledge he never did return to drinking, but as I found out years later he simply replaced the drinking with chasing tail and hidden gambling.

      He went on to cheat on whore of course and even told my daughter in law he did, and he within a few years of their marriage had gambled them into massive debt and they filed bankruptcy. She had previously filed bankruptcy, but it was a first for him.

      There is a part of me that still feels sorry for him, as I do believe he was seriously disordered, and he just managed to hide it for a long time during our time together.

      I know without a doubt that the happiest he ever was, was when our son was growing up. If he had been happy after we D’d, he would not have crashed and burned.

      If I had known how his life would turn out, I wouldn’t have been so devastated when he discarded me. It truly was a blessing to me.

  • Make some popcorn and enjoy this evening reading his blog. What a dope.
    He doesn’t even hear what he is saying.
    I spent some time reading between the lines this morning and was laughing out loud. He doesn’t seem to realize how often he pulls his own covers and proves himself a moron.

    I am totally in a chipper mood. 😜

    Some highlights:

    Things To Consider Before You Have An Affair

    (Whereby he completely contradicts everything he said above and validates everything we come to realize here).

    “You will become exactly the kind of person you don’t want to be — someone with a huge capacity for selfishness and lying.  You will have become someone that even YOU wouldn’t want to be around. “

    “The affair puts the children into a loyalty bind between their parents that is unfair and caustic.  They will probably resent you at some level for the rest of their lives.”

    “3.  You become less marketable on the single scene:
    You either have to hide the truth about yourself (and therefore you’ve already placed your relationship in a place of non-honesty), or you tell the truth and watch scads of “good prospects” flee in the other direction. Or worse, a good one stays, but never quite fully trusts you either.”

    All you have lost is a colossal jerk, and that’s all they gained with their secret sexual double life game player.

    • The problem I have with this guy is his bait and switch. He starts by saying something that is technically true, something you could possibly agree with, then turns it into chump-blaming garbage.

      Yeah, cheating WILL turn you into the kind of person you don’t want to be around, it will make you less marketable in the dating scene, and it will put your kids in a loyalty trap between you and your spouse.

      But he framed it all in a “think about this before you have an affair” like the cheater is assumed to be self-regulating and if they can get past all this, well go for it!

      He needs to be framing it as “These are all potential, very likely, consequences. This is the reality, stop living the fantasy.”

      Or yeah, he says stay away from betrayed spouse forums, but not because it’s full of RIC crap, because “they all have a chip on their shoulders.” Well yeah no shit. Everyone got betrayed and then people like him told them it’s their fault and they’re sucking on hopium like it’s oxygen.

      He could have used this advice so much better, but he just grabs your attention and dives right down into the same old chump-blaming as a thousand other fart heads of his ilk.

  • “You can’t see my bowels, but they’re irritable.” 😂😂😂😂😂

  • He keeps repeating that it is easy to blame the other two, but you need to look in the mirror. He is basically blaming chumps, that’s it. Nothing special, nothing we have not heard before. He backlashes anyone with a different opinion.
    I wanted to write a couple comments in his blog but then decided not to. It has not been active for years and I will not wake it up. I will just let his outdated opinions disappear from online search.

  • This is bullshit and this guy is a fucking nut.
    Do as I say, not as I do.
    I don’t understand how he can peddle this. It’s nonsensical to claim “unmet needs” caused cheating when I GUARANTEE every cheater’s spouse has MORE “unmet needs” and “grievances”, and miraculously didn’t cheat. It’s not logical for affairs to be acceptable and simultaneously unacceptable.

  • Forgiveness is earned!!!! Earned by being fully transparent, taking lie detector tests, taking FULL responsibility for the decision to cheat instead of seaking marital counseling beforehand for any feelings they had about the marriage, and being ready and willing to make living amends by paying for counseling, picking up their slack, and fully admitting what they chose to do was domestic ABUSE.

  • Tracy Chump lady has said all this for what about 11 years? After 2 chumps 32 years apart I have to say, SHE IS RIGHT X a million. It’s like she snuck into a bar, hid out and just listened to all the cheaters bragging out loud. Tapped every phone and checked into all the lap tops. She is right over and over again. The story is as old as the earth. It is a syndrome that repeats itself ad nauseum..

    Same pattern and nothing is new under the sun. What Chump lady has sifted out of bar scene is the secret of how to use people and get away with it. How to play and act to get what you want. How to not care if you hurt your kids or your spouse or partner.It is to not care except for yourself..whatever it takes. A cold blooder killer of love.
    Jack’s blog is more frosting to cover the stink of a cheater. CL is right and is a whistle blower that we desperately need. A voice crying for Chump justice. Never- ever- stop

  • “I’m lying to you. That’s not a problem. Your naivety is the problem.
    Cake is delicious. One does not effectively stop eating cake when one enjoys cake. Don’t you DARE take my fork from me!”
    I laughed out loud at this. Thank you, CL.

    As for Jack.. I don’t have any words. I could barely get through all the paragraphs, because all of it is just literally so stupid. Everything he wrote. I don’t even have a better word for it. Just plain dumb, unaware, egotistical, entitled bullshit. God, I feel bad for his wife (if she hasn’t dumped his ass already).

  • What now surprises me is that I ever believed a marriage could be genuinely repaired after the cruelty that was dished out from him. For a person to do this, they have to hold some degree of contempt for you inside them. Contempt reverting back to love is nearly impossible. The deacon at church told me that before he died, Cheater told him that he loved me again, I dont believe it. I think he was trying to put a good spin on it to help me find closure.

    (Twice recently I tried to comment and the system would not accept it, so this post is a test to see if this works)

    • “Contempt reverting back to love is nearly impossible.”

      True, and it goes both ways. I wanted desperately for my fw to come back home and love me. What I didn’t realize until he came back (it lasted a week) was that I wouldn’t look at him the same. He of course treated me like shit, but even so, the minute he walked in the door I knew he disgusted me. Thankfully he was just using me to get access to our car for a few days, and it didn’t take me long to figure that out. If he had truly been wanting to stay who knows how long I would have walked around like a zombie, trying to fix the unfixable.

      • I likely would have been Disgusted Beyond Words if I had known that his cheating was as commonplace as I later came to believe that it was. While I was smoking hopium, I thought it was limited to one actual affair and one dalliance with a coworker who had a crush on him.

        I have wondered (thousands of times) what my actual reaction would have been if I had learned the full truth while he was alive, but that is such a HUGE question for me. FTR, (as much as its a common internet joke to infer that you would kill a cheater) I am sure I would have never ever hurt him. My long term commitment to his well being was ingrained in me and I dont lean towards violence. I likely would have called him a “coward” to his face and (to me) that would’ve been huge.

  • I just want to say, I blasted my WS and his AP names on social media and there was zero backlash. Only messages of love and support from family, friends and work colleagues.

    Did it piss off my WS? Of course. So sad for him I don’t wish to reconciliate.

  • Best thing I’ve ever read, ChumpLady! Wish I’d learned how to use the UBT decades ago!
    Though I favor calling it the UBST, because “you da best” at BS translation!

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