6 Things I Learned When My Husband Left Me
Her husband left her for a sex worker and she wants to share with Chump Nation what she learned from that nightmare.
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Hello Chump Lady,
Several years ago, when my husband left me for a sex worker, I went insane, stumbled across the Reconciliation Industrial Complex, and tried desperately to win him back. Indoctrinated with a FW-first mentality, my overriding concern was for his mental health and long-term happiness. Thank god I eventually found your blog, and extricated myself from the himpathy mindfuck. Now that I’m divorced, and their chaos is behind me, I have a new perspective. I know you like updates from chumps, so here’s something I wish I could have found years ago.
This is what I learned:
I deserve so much better.
FW found a new wife appliance on Seeking Arrangements and then dumped me via email while I was at work. These are not the actions of a loving husband. I couldn’t believe how cruel and abusive he was, and I thought he was having a midlife crisis. None of it made sense. No one deserves that.
Abandonment is a gift.
FW’s disappearance from our lives was the optimal outcome. He’s not healthy, and as a result of his absence, my kids and I had space to heal. I had full custody, and we didn’t have to deal with his mind-bending bullshit.
It’s not romance.
After I learned of FW’s affair, he told me, “I’m not in love with her, I’m just using her.” On another occasion, he said, “She’ll wake up one morning and I’ll be gone.” Why would you expect anything else? The terms and conditions of their relationship have changed, but it’s a transaction and always will be.
My ex and his affair partner are well-suited.
Very few people could spackle an affair, prostitution, and an STD into a lasting relationship and eventual marriage. They’re more compatible than he and I ever were. Neither of them has to pretend to be something they are not.
I’m grateful to be free.
I was with FW for 21 years, and I had no idea who he was. Only after the marriage ended could I recognize the abuse and see how dangerous he is. Until that point, like Schmoopie, I was completely subservient, doing everything possible to meet his needs and failing to recognize my own.
It’s history and his story.
At the time, I believed I was in a happy and secure relationship. I did everything possible to raise our family in a loving home, and that remains true. His health, happiness, and relationships are his responsibility. Just because he subjected me to this shit show does not mean I have to carry the baggage. Quite the contrary, I got help, I did the work, and left it behind.
When I discovered my husband was “dating a sugar baby,” I believed the marketing hype. I imagined someone good-looking, successful, and sexy. For him to abandon his family, she must be amazing — right? No. It’s a predatory relationship, and she’s vulnerable. He’s an abuser, and the power imbalance makes her attractive to him.
I justified the pick-me dancing by thinking that their relationship held no emotional attachment. Later, I learned FW felt nothing for me either. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point, and I still have work to do, but these days I feel almost invincible. Having time to focus on myself has allowed me to develop self-love and self-esteem, and as a result, I’m in a much better place.
Although I can talk about the affair openly, the prostitution aspect is something I keep to myself. Outside of this community, it’s not something I expect anyone else to understand or identify with, which is just another form of isolation. Thank you, Tracy, for providing a place to share stories and learn from each other — it’s invaluable.
Free and Happy
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Dear Free and Happy,
Wow. That is one hell of a trajectory to mightiness. I’m in awe of your strength and lucidity. Naturally, I have to run your letter on a Tuesday. (The day the pain stops, for any newbies.)
This is a powerful piece of writing, but one nugget stood out to me.
I justified the pick-me dancing by thinking that their relationship held no emotional attachment. Later, I learned FW felt nothing for me either.
That’s the brutal truth of it, isn’t it? FWs are transactional. It’s so difficult to accept that your devotion meant nothing, because it was assumed. For functional humans, decades of caregiving would knit you together.
It should hurt him to hurt you.
It should hurt him to hurt his children. At the very least, it should give him pause to know he’s rejecting his family. Instead, he casually abandons you all with the ease of an Amazon purchase. Out with the old wife appliance, in with the new.
Sadly, a sex worker will likely accept his blatant transactionalism. Whatever set of traumas led her to that “profession”, she expects the power imbalance. (Profession is in air quotes because, as the former prostitute Rachel Moran points out, most sex workers are exploited, either by trafficking or impoverished circumstances.)
And of course, your ex thrills to it.
Which reveals himpathy of the RIC for the misogynistic clap trap it is. Why on earth should you feel sorry for a man who purchases women? Why would anyone spend 5 seconds with a guy who needs a 12-step program on basic empathy? Who gives a flip about his unmet need for strange orifices?
You’re free of him and free of the mindfuck that surrounds him. Well done. Happy Tuesday! I’m sure your letter will inspire others.
F&H has clearly thought deeply about her “FW Experience” and tells her story in an incredibly articulate way . Additionally, her framework (“Here are some things that I learned”) is a very powerful way of analysing just what it was that she’s been through and what she takes away from it; she has earned her “Tuesday” and then some.
If I were to ask myself the same question, I’d say that ….
I learned that some of the people that I thought were my friends turned out to be anything but. Some were – at best – Switzerland friends, and other were outright on “Team Ex-Mrs LFTT” from the get go (you f*ckers know who you are). Over time, and as I worked things out, I dropped them all like hot bricks.
….. but I also learned that some people that I thought were mere acquaintances or work colleagues were – it turned out – the most wonderful human beings and the most fantastic and supportive (and patient, and kind, and empathetic and etc etc) friends. I am very thankful that they stood up and stood tall for me when I needed them.
I also learned that most of the criticism that Ex-Mrs LFTT had laid on me (and I had, over time, internalised) was projection on her part. Unlearning all of that took more effort and more time on my part than I anticipated.
And – lastly – I’d completely agree with F&H’s statement that “I’m grateful to be free” …. because I am.
LFTT
All this applies to me too LFTT!
As awful as the process was I am so glad to have escaped from the narc sociopath with my children. Why was I even pick-me dancing vs his seedy spa whores? FW was simply seeking out similarly criminal and disgusting people similar to himself who enjoying lying and exploiting others daily.
All the chumps I read about on here, we were all too good for the FW.
I had a lot of Swisslanders to deal with, even some eight years after my ex left. Well, no more.
At this point, my old friends see me as me, and my newer friends have never even met my ex.
New chapters!
Elsie,
New chapters indeed.
LFTT
Dear Free and Happy and to Tracy, as well:
I write this literally on a Tuesday, August 26, from my lovely garden flat just outside of Paris in one of the great towns of France. I relo’d from the States last December. My FW gave up our 25 year marriage and our 22 year old son for someone more fitting for him. Classic narc, he went for an old college fling. Now they are happily married in Sin City. That’s the lore at least. Our divorce was in November 2023 and they married three weeks later, secretly. Again it took awhile for the story to sort of come out.
For me, I lucked out because a dear friend insisted I get therapy quite early on in the “trial separation” and the person I was referred to is a LMFT who specializes in narcissism. She is who saved my bacon AND the Chump Nation. Chump Nation hands down is the most unvarnished truth purveyor of wisdom I have found online when it comes to the abuse of adultery.
Yes it is Tuesday in all respects. Next month I get a new hip at the age of 61 and I have a new love in my life,too. Never saw that coming. He will be here taking care of me. An old friend from high school if you can believe it who moved here to France a few years before I did. So beautiful.
My son goes back to the States this weekend after being with me all summer here. He completes university in December and then is moving in with me to do grad school over here in Europe somewhere, beginning the application process. He has learned what he is willing to about his dad’s inability to empathize with others and to be accountable. It’s a tough thing for a young man to feel more mature and grown up than his own dad and he still holds out hope for him.
So new hip, new love, new life in France courtesy of the FW and the peach of a woman he left me for. When I started in on him to finally get a job now that our kid was in school…he found a new wife appliance instead, right? Free and Happy, it gets even better. Chump Nation and Tracy, it gets even better. If we let it.
Smiles,
Courage in France
How wonderful! I’m happy for you.
I’ve been living in France for 35 years now and divorced 13 years ago. FW ran off with a bar room ho and lived with her here in France for about three years before she cheated on him. Then an old friend from school got in touch with him, came out here and obviously saw she would be onto a good thing (he has a great pension) so they applied for a “green card” for her – which was refused. So he skidaddled (sp?) back to the US with her and bought a house (the house is his, not hers) within about five months. He’s been back there 10 years now and was just out here to meet our little granddaughter, who turned one year old on 21st August. I know he’d told the kids he missed France but when our four year old grandson sat on his lap and was showing him his cars he turned to me and said “I REALLY miss France”. He could easily come back but it would have to be without her so it seems, but I doubt he’ll do the work to get his paperwork together. Somehow we got onto the subject of his house and I said that with him being 10 years in on the mortgage it must be almost paid off by now, what with the large sum I’d had to pay him to buy him out. Well nope he refinanced and is now back to a 30 year mortgage at the age of 63. His pension is double mine, gf is younger and prettier than me (although no longer good looking according to my kids) and he’s still just as crap with money as he always was. Not even sure he likes schmoopie anymore either, so I guess if you wait long enough, karma usually does catch up with them. As for me, I love it here, am now a French citizen and my kids and grandkids live 30 minutes away so I guess I “won” in the end!
Does he expect you to give a flip? Sounds like he was hoping you’d take him back. The selfishness of these cheaters is unbelievable.
Félicitations pour votre citoyenneté française !
Oddly enough I actually felt sorry for him. He looks miserable but hey ho, I guess that means I won!
French citizenship is such a flex in 2025 for sure! Look at how beautifully your life has turned out! Goals!! 🇫🇷Congrats, Attie!
Attie plays the “long game” for the win!
LFTT
I suppose. I’m extremely happy on my own anyway, and I know him so well I knew he’d screw his life up. Funnily enough, the loathing I have had for him for so many years has now vanished. He just looked like a pitiful wreck!
Attie,
It still hurts but little by slow, right? The thing is the betrayal and other actions are so difficult to comprehend. Then all the other tricks of their trade. I am glad to hear of another gal finding her peace in this lovely land.
Smiles,
JWB
I do think that abandonment would have been a gift. I wish that Cheater had cut quickly with a sharp knife and left.
What I got instead ( what felt like) a very strange situation where he would only leave if I gave him some sort of approval and agreed to the “we grew apart” narrative.
I wanted my intact family and I was in denial and naive to realize that the wound inflicted on my family was a fatal one. I think this sort of “I will go if I can make you responsible for it” is more common that I thought back then.
It’s horrifying to see these words staring at me because that was my mindset. I Was so sure he would get all the way to his life and realize he liked us better but the kids were already destroyed. So I kept trying way too long and ended up in a miserable wreckonsillyation.
The RIC and incompetent therapists all play a part in prolonging our pain and the inevitable.
I am eternally grateful for CL because without the clarity and wisdom of her book and this site I’d another pitiful soul posting on reddit infidelity sub getting bad advice and stuck in the minf**k games of my ex.
I suspect many chumps never find this blog and never reach Tuesday.
My Jesus cheater wanted the everyone to think that she was the victim and told our sons that we were just not getting along anymore.(I wonder why?) It was all a lie and I confirmed her cheating with coworkers. I asked her to move out, but that would blow up her cover story. She was more worried about spinning the story than any damage she was doing to her family. She committed an act of DV and got slapped with a restraining order that removed her from the house and temporary NC with our son’s. If she had just gone off with her fellow Jesus cheater AP should could have saved so much lasting trauma for everyone. But she could not face the reality of her actions and maintain the image she wanted to project.
I felt the same as I read this. I wish he had just left and stayed gone. Klootzak sat in court telling the judge a “woe is me” tale that our marriage was dead and my divorcing him was not because he cheated. And the judge bought it. So my infidelity claim – with 26 pages of report and 3 videos – was disregarded. He told her that he wanted to work on our marriage but I didn’t. I had already done RIC with him 11 years prior. Klootzak acted as though I had played some crazy long game and the PI was entrapment. He is so disgusting. Sat there lying. Oh no, he said, he had not started a relationship until it was clear to him that we were divorcing. Bull$hit. He acted like the day the PI caught him was the first time. The judge listened to his violins.
Yes, I wish he had just gone instead of forcing me to file and then hanging on, staying in the house, making everything so much more painful. I have been out of the house 3 weeks and he still unfortunately lives rent free in my head. We have a 10 year old so I suppose it will be a while. I know it’s not the pain Olympics but abandonment would have been an odd gift.
Betcha that judge is a cheater himself
I’m really sorry that you went through that.
My state still allows for filing for divorce using the infidelity clause, but yes, the expense and uncertainty. The thought of sitting through a trial with that turned my blood cold. Just get me divorced. And my attorney did, attorney-to-attorney. And no custody issues because the kids were in college. But four-ish years from the time my ex left until the last legal volley in closeout. Totally unnecessary, but my ex had to extract his pound of flesh.
That’s infuriating! I agree with you that abandonment would be preferable to a long, drawn out, torturous mindfuck.
I’m so sorry the judge fell for FW’s bullshit. It is impossible to believe in our justice system when stories like yours happen every day.
My FW didn’t fight me in court (he’s too cheap) but he snowed several therapists during wreckonciliation. One outright blamed me for his cheating! It is astounding what happens to us and what they get away with.
It’s not the pain Olympics, but you are allowed to complain.Your judge was an idiot. The good thing is you are free and will be freer as you have more time away and build your new life- I am a decade out after a 30yr relationship and only getting toward meh the past 4 years. It t takes the time it takes. Be nice to yourself and celebrate your freedom! I buy cupcakes. And take photos of flowers.
F&H, You are mighty!!!! We were married to very similar FWs. Mine had a hooker habit and was actively seeking Sugar Babies as well. He spent a lot of money on this habit which I was lucky to get back in the settlement!
I am also glad to be done with that. I was finally able to retire and am enjoying a FW-Free life. He is probably still out there looking for someone or something that will meet his “needs”. I wish him luck with that. Last I heard (about 18 months ago), was that he lived in a dumpy apartment (odd because he still got about 44% of our assets) and was talking about how I took him to the cleaners!!
I live in a cute townhouse in a gated community and am enjoying my life! I have friends and I enjoy my small life by continuing to learn and grow while also doing some travelling. It is quiet and pretty darn peaceful.
Happy Tuesday to all who celebrate!!!!!!
New Chumps, you will get there! Power through and get to the other side. It will take time but you will feel so much lighter when you get there.
I so agree. It was a gift in the end.
My ex landed at the beach in perpetual vacation mode (he was retired), and I was left with a house, two college kids, and part-time work, many states away.
As my attorney said later, though, “The trash took itself out.” And he assured me that my STBX was the type that wasn’t seeking quality women in his quest to find himself. My attorney also characterized my case partway in as “no empathy and no regard for the law.” True as well. I often wrote down those bits of wisdom and read them over and over.
Life is so very much better on the other side. Sure, leaning into the buzzsaw of refusing to reconcile and getting through the divorce was painful. But the following chapters just got better and better.
My lawyer said “he’s a piece of shit” and it shocked me, because I was still blaming myself for – having problem,, and mores, for letting him in my life, for believing a liar, for forgiving him for all the abuse. (Still struggle a little bit with that..). I love your lawyer and yes, it gets better and better. I still get irritated about my lack of quality health insurance, and having to sell my house…but I am free. I look back on what he did to me with horror. I do meditation and other stuff to deal with the shame. I try to forgive myself because – it was a 30 years mistake. But free is free!
It’s very telling when the ‘neutral’ professionals share their feelings after dealing with the FW.
My barrister said he wanted to punch FW after he spoke with him.
You feel somewhat justified and vindicated when someone else sees them for who they are.
We did a brief attempt at reconciling with a very good therapist. The ex of course lied about not seeing the AP anymore and soon quit. I had one more session with the therapist and was gratified to hear her dump all over my soon to be EX. “She’s got lots of problems and you can’t fix any of them.” is what I remember best.
Mine also said partway in, “Good thing we aren’t mediating because I’d have to hold back the whole time, while I wanted to drag him down the elevator to beat him up by the dumpster in the parking garage. But wife likes to remind me how that isn’t ‘lawyerly.'”
We both bust up laughing. He was such a trip!
God bless him! Some divorce lawyers really are in it to help the victims. I love them.
Yes, they broke the mold with him. We laughed so much, and then he’d stand up in his $1000 suit and say, “Let’s hug. OK?” He truly was a wild one. At times, I didn’t quite know how to react, but he truly became like a big brother to me. He retired the day after the judge signed off and closed the firm he founded.
His associate took my case to his new firm, and no, apparently, his mentor wasn’t like that with every client. But he was like that with his staff and was a wonderful boss.
This piece was profound and a confession I share even though I did the unknowing pick me dance and gratefully both cheaters were so cruel, only a brain dead person would think it was love..though It took me awhile to see the cruelty, so adjusted to horrific treatment was I.But the mind picture of precious ME being like an Amazon purchase fits perfectly. Some items you keep and use, but know that you’ll replace that item soon, just maybe kick it to the corner like a dog blanket..until it’s USE runs out. Clock always ticking. Some Amazon items you return right away and replace or refund. When it hit me, my worth according to both reptillian cheaters amounted to a vending machine, My heart broke, but the TRUTH set me free. Free and Happy, you did the hard work, you took back your self respect back, you clawed your way back after the mirage faded..there was no water at the well…Continue to adore yourself, give yourself the gold award for escaping slavery to a man with no conscience and believe with all your heart, that you are so worthy of more. Take care of yourself in every way possible and know we love you hear after such an astound nightmare. Thank you for your update from Hell and back. Keep going.
Thank you! It only gets better. “The TRUTH set me free” – exactly!
Free free free!
Dear free and happy,
You are not alone. I love your 6 points. I relate. I’ve been telling everyone who asks (“why did you divorce?”) and those who don’t ask, about the prostitution aspect. I realize most won’t understand but I personally don’t care. In my case there was no sugar baby but many years of secret transactional adulterous transactional sex with many ‘professional’ (and expensive) hookers. I love your empowering message of being happy and free and I’m right there with you.
Me too. I don’t hold back because I know that’s what FW desperately wants, image management. I am an attractive fit ivy league educated professional and great wife yet FW chose seedy grubby hos because they flattered him.
I refuse to feel ashamed for his narcissistic lying a*s or secret sexual basement. Pathetic POS
Yes, hookers are surprisingly expensive. FW was paying her rent and was foolish enough to document it by using a bank account. Lol.
In my experience, since those with the most heinous or criminal secrets have usually developed the most impressive skills in discrediting and destroying victims and potential whistleblowers, it might pay to tell bystanders the worst facts right out of the gate.
Especially if there’s any danger of retaliatory smear campaigns impacting victims’ safety, custody of children, immigration status, ability to make a living or retain key social support, etc., I think it’s important to drop the truth bomb (hooker habit, taste for violent porn/sexual sadism, p*do tendencies, etc.) to as many people as possible. Better yet, assign a stalwart friend to spread the news if there’s any risk of false parental alienation charges.
I think that’s a hard choice for people who are naturally resistant to “going negative” but sometimes you have to preemptively kill abusers’ credibility before they destroy yours. Bystanders may not want to hear it or be able to handle it. They may freeze in shock, change the subject or back slowly away. But most (unfortunately not all as KatiePig and others can attest) might hesitate to fully believe anything an abuser says after that if just out of self-interest.
Yes! I intuitively thought something along these lines and struck first as it were. Looking back, it’s really helped me
Though I was plunged into deep trauma instantly at my “D-moment”, I did immediately realize that he would try to destroy my credibility. I knew I had to be very active and vocal in order to get the true story out there first. I sang like a bird immediately and the very first people I told were my children, then well into adulthood. Then I told all of the mutual friends who had the most “clout”, influence and credibility. My report of horror was backed up by hard proof, copied and sent to half a dozen of my trusted, most respected friends. I know now that, by the time eX started his “woe is me, I am so sad, my wife left me, something must be wrong with her, I hope she is not having an affair, pray for Viktoria!” theater act, everyone knew what really happened. At that point they all chose to either side with him, or support me. Regardless of their choice, they all will forever know what he did. At the time I did not think “being negative” was a concern. My concern was survival. And yes he did work very hard to destroy my credibility. One horrific example, he called up several significant family members and asked them if I’d ever participated in certain sexual acts. WTF! He kept trying to hurt me (all while playing victim) after I left him but I survived. My anger, rage, grief and the truth kept me alive during the long time it took to process what I consider intense trauma.
Considering the current economy and retraction of civil rights and many social safety nets, I think “Dickensian social ruin” may be making a comeback. In any case, whether or not modern domestic abusers are yet able to succeed in getting former victims thrown out of the social fold to die of despair, TB and malnutrition in workhouses and rat-infested hovels, I think it’s important to remember many would if they could and to respond accordingly.
Yes FW tried paint a picture of never loving him to friends but fortunately they’d already heard from me and viewed the prostitution evidence
I don’t know how I posted the same thing twice. I need more caffeine.
In my experience, since those with the most heinous or criminal secrets usually work the hardest to discredit and destroy victims and potential whistleblowers, it might pay to tell bystanders the worst facts right out of the gate.
Especially if there’s any danger of retaliatory smear campaigns impacting victims’ safety, custody of children, immigration status, ability to make a living or retain key social support, etc., I think it’s important to drop the truth bomb (hooker habit, taste for violent porn/sexual sadism, p*do tendencies, etc.) to as many people as possible. Better yet, assign a stalwart friend to spread the news if there’s any risk of false parental alienation charges.
I think that’s a hard choice for people who are naturally resistant to go negative but sometimes you have to preemptively kill abusers’ credibility before they destroy yours. Bystanders may not want to hear it, they may not be able to handle it. But most (unfortunately not all as KatiePig and others can attest) might hesitate to fully believe anything an abuser says after that if just out of self-interest.
The smear campaign had been under way for years by the time he suddenly abandoned us, and to this day he has hidden his secret life successfully. All the charges went on an AMEX card, which statements were sent to his office. Almost everyone believed his lies about me.
The bystanders in Katiepig’s situation also rallied around the FW who clearly started in with the character assassinations and blameshifting long before d-day.
Given that this seems to be the behavior of people who have something especially heinous or criminal to hide, here’s hoping your ex ends up in the same cell block as KP’s ex and all the flying monkeys end up similarly tainted by association.
I just don’t want my kids to find out. They know enough.
As the daughter of a piece of shit cheater whose dating pool was my high school, your kids deserve to hear the truth from someone who loves them and will tell them that truth with kindness and empathy. They do not deserve to hear it from someone who is telling them just to hurt them. Guess how I know that.
Oh God, I’m picturing that scenario.
I wish I wasn’t.
Don’t you wish certain memories came with a “mark as spam” option? I kind of want to tell my lizard brain risk management faculty “Yes, okay, I got the message that some people suck. Please stop sending memos about in the form of acid flashbacks illustrating the point.”
Wouldn’t that be wonderful — mark the memory as “spam” and never have to experience it again. I don’t visit my hometown very often anymore, and when I do visit, I leave as quickly as possible. Last time I visited, I ran into a man who looked exactly like my father did 20 or so years ago. My brother? My uncle? A great-uncle? My father and his father and grandfather were notorious cheaters, and my father used to joke about how many unknown relatives we might have around the county. Cheating is the gift that keeps on giving — generation after generation.
Because the randy shits who sire illegitimate kids don’t tend to stick around to raise them and spread their poor character through role modeling, it seems really unfair to call these kids “bastards.”
,
Sadly, I don’t think abusers who campaign to set their children against victim parents ever consider the added stress to their children when they falsely accuse the victim parent of being, say, a criminal embezzler. Or a semi-pro prostitute who slept with all the men in the neighborhood. Or just a screeching, crazy harridan.
Telling the truth is just a tragic necessity because the risk of letting abusers control the narrative is that children may be turned against the one parent who was genuinely in their corner.
I was accused of sleeping with men in the neighborhood by FW! That they were lining up on the porch. Just — what do you even do with those kinds of accusations? At the time I just thought he was insane.
But later I realized he was crazy like a fox: the chaos FWs sow causes confusion and paralysis, which benefits them hugely. Watch out, new chumps! Don’t let them confuse you with their chaos and outrageousness. It’s a strategy! They are buying time by throwing smoke bombs.
Yes, crazy like foxes. Personally I think a lot of DARVO accusations are demonstrations of what abusers will tell others if victims don’t get in line.
The assumption of victims that abusers must be “crazy” to fabricate these claims misses the point that abusers aren’t necessarily trying to convince victims these these fabrications are true. Instead abusers are simply demo’ing how credible they will sound to others as they spread these falsehoods.
It’s basically a threat of a smear campaign and threat of social ruin or worse –loss of job, loss of custody, possible criminal charges or putting a fatwa on you making you the target of violence by others (telling everyone you’re a “whore” so you’re more likely to be targeted for sexual aggression by other men or that bit in films where the tough cop threatens to charge someone as a kiddy raper so they get killed in prison). I think this qualifies as a type of violence but a form of delegated violence where they’re essentially throwing you to the mob.
If abusers sound super-invested and passionate as they hurl these accusations, I think it’s because the best liars believe their own bs and that happens to be the special party trick of a lot of Cluster B types– the ability to rewrite history and then– kind of like method actors– invest in their own bull. I think this comes from the nihilistic belief that there is no real truth and “truth” is only what one is able to make others believe.
How viable these threats may be at any given time and place may vary according to surrounding community, political climate, how local family courts operate, how vulnerable the individual is or how much power the perp has, etc. But I think it’s important to consider intent, not necessarily effect because what the smear-wielder is counting on is that all those above circumstances and factors will align to destroy you. Furthermore, they’re counting on the fact that, due to ape evolution and human history, we all have a hardwired fear of falling afoul of social judgement and being pushed out of the tribe because there were times this meant certain death or extreme punishment. Consequently, a serious threatened smear is a surefire way to paralyze someone because their nervous system will automatically flood with primordial lizard-brain terror.
If anyone ever pulls this, as an experiment you could come back at them with even wilder allegations and do it with a wide-eyed expression like you believe every word and double down when they protest that you’re making things up. Then watch as they immediately grasp the implication that you’re going to repeat these things to other people and see them deflate as they recognize the “Mutually Assured Destruction” pact you just erected.
People like this would probably recognize the MO because it’s their own and it will probably be very effective because no one more than an image-manager knows how easy it is to ruin someone. They also likely know if they go around complaining to others that you falsely accused them of wild things, it has the napalm effect of sticking to them anyway since bystanders will wonder if “smoke=fire” and they really did, say, rape underage circus animals or whatever.
I 100% agree.
Apparently, it’s also a trauma response to bury the worst secrets though until you can really face them and work through them. I was very much that way.
Now? Oh, my, I get rather blunt at times, indicating that the shame of that association no longer binds.
I still have not told the worst part of what I found out about FW, partly for that reason. I can’t bear to talk about it to this day, many years later, not even to a therapist. I also decided to keep that in my back pocket to use if FW ever gives me trouble, and he knows that, so has been more or less cooperative. He did enough horrid things to sink his credibility anyway, so it wasn’t necessary to tell all.
Even if there’s a tactical advantage to telling the truth about abusers right out of the gate, I also understand the risks.
There’s a 1999 Nicholas Cage film titled 8MM about a private investigator hired by a mega-rich widow to discover whether the gruesome snuff porn film she found in her late husband’s secret vault was real or faked. Spoiler alert– upon discovering that the film is real and a woman actually died in it, the widow commits suicide.
That bit really struck me when I first saw the film. I thought it was a statement about how the culture may tar people for not only the “sins of the father” but also the “sins of the husband.” The widow seems to have killed herself from shame that wasn’t hers because– I imagine– society would have heaped it on her anyway.
A lot of what I’ve seen since pretty much confirms that cultural glitch. The same douchebag bystanders who typically won’t lift a finger to help abuse victims escape their abusers will often act like whatever terrible thing victims left abusers for was somehow the responsibility of victims and/or that victims must have enabled whatever heinous things these abusers ended up doing. It never seem to occur to the peanut gallery that the partners of these ghouls may have not only been kept in the dark for years but also coercively entrapped as added insurance that they’d never spill the tea.
I agree that you shouldn’t have to tell all unless you want to. The reality is that life is better beyond the crap, and we shouldn’t have to stay in the past.
My adult children are probably my most significant link to the past, and they’ve moved on. Many times, he isn’t even mentioned in our conversations. They’re very busy with careers, friends, and more. Much more interesting things, IMHO.
One is driving out for dinner tomorrow, and I’m happy, happy!
Years ago after being rear-ended in traffic, I traded info with the driver who hit me and I remember her giving me a really weird “Uh…whatever you say” look when I said, “I’m glad there’s no damage.”
I understood her reaction when I got home and realized the back fender was completely caved in. It’s just that, immediately following impact, I stared right at the back of the car and saw nothing amiss.
I used to brag about being unhypnotizable and generally resistant to suggestion and subliminal messaging. That may be so but apparently I’m still merely mortal and susceptible to the effects of shock like anyone else.
“I personally don’t care”. I love this. And also, we don’t n need to share- we need do what we want to do- but I love that you don’t care!!!
After caring about someone who only ever cared for himself and saw the rest of us as NPCs, I learned how to care for myself as well — minus the extreme detriment to other people. I learned that I am much more at peace by myself. I refuse to use people to attempt to make me feel whole the way he continues to do (ex was also a user of sex workers and has been a monkey-brancher of women for as long if not longer than I’ve known him). It took a little time (and failed dating) to learn that if it seems someone doesn’t want to be with you, or if life alongside them in whatever capacity doesn’t feel right, to just let them go. I am living on my own terms, in my own house, in the life I have created for myself and my daughter. I will never compromise myself or exchange this for anything ever again. It is truly a gift when they extract themselves, proboscis first, from our lives. In the beginning, whenever for an iota of a second I thought I had “lost”, I often thought of the quote I see here: “Wherever they go, there they are.” What you see is what you get. When they reveal their true selves, that’s it — it’s not going to get better. Good riddance, and excelsior.
Years and years ago, my then fiance told me his Vietnam War stories — I found them romantic . It had damaged him and I was there to heal him.
One story: In Vietnam, he was living with a Vietnamese girl prostitute. He was lonely. She shared her bed and prepared his meals and did his laundry. She asked him to pay the rent and buy the food. He did not give her money (probably not a real ‘no’, just the infuriating non-answer ‘no’)
What did she do? One night while he slept, she doused the bed in kerosene and lit it up.
I guess she recognized a bad investment.
The lesson: it took me 10 more years to see what a bad investment he was. I was paying the rent, buying the food, paying for childcare, and taking care of laundry, house, and kids. All while hiding my work promotions, so I wouldn’t hurt his ego.
It would be interesting to hear that woman’s side of the story. Maybe she was simply nuts but there’s apparently an interesting vigilante custom among women in certain South and Southeast Asian regions where they might retaliate against domestic violence with a metaphorically equivalent gesture while the perp is sleeping. In Korea (or Thailand?), victims of marital rape reportedly might respond by “feeding the ducks”– basically doing a Lorena Bobbitt and throwing it to livestock.
There’s a famous story from Northern India where a woman convicted of burning her husband to death while he slept was retried and basically let off when evidence was presented that she’d been violently abused for ten years and finally snapped. I suspect the reason she snapped in the direction of immolation was because that was a common form of wife-abuse and femicide in the region and might have been her first impulse.
I am so glad you are free! Beware of Pity. It really is one of their “seduction” techniques. This is my huge takeaway from my horrific marriage.
😳 Whoa! She knew how to send a message!
I love these happy-post-chump-life updates! Great essay, F&H!
“he told me, ‘I’m not in love with her, I’m just using her.’ On another occasion, he said, ‘She’ll wake up one morning and I’ll be gone.'”
Back when I was raging at my then-husband about the OW, I basically called her stupid. I was shocked when FW smirked and agreed with me. How could he talk that way about someone he was supposed to love?? What would she say if she knew how he really talked about her??
Then I got to wondering what kinds of things he says about me behind my back.
“FW smirked and agreed with me.” They’re just so sick.
You know the gross old bro joke about the ideal woman: “Three foot tall, no teeth and a flat head to rest your drink on.”
My ex also said he realized his online AP partner was stupid, but he wanted that, and wanted to marry her, because she would look up to him and never question him.
The joke was all on him because AP was a romance scammer who conned him out of a lot of money.
That’s funny.
One thing I learned from my phony cheater ex is that quite often the relationship you’re mourning never existed.
Once I realized that detaching was not that hard. My ex has the depth of a kitchen drawer so I’m sure he didn’t realize this at the time, but in the aftermath of dday when I was still processing he made a few statements that changed my thinking. He thought I wanted to stay married so he over played his hand.
First, he was a nasty asshole to try to force me to rug sweep. Then he threatened ME with divorce unless I changed a bunch of things for him. Strike 1.
Then he made two marriage ending statements. When asked why he married me he didn’t say he loved me, he said he thought i was the best he was ever going to do. He was correct, but still…..fuck him. Strike 2.
Then he said that all of the little things he did that I thought were loving, like sending me emails with loving messages and getting me little gifts, weren’t really him. As in he thought they were important but he never meant any of it. That’s how phony he was. Strike 3.
So right then I realized that the guy I thought I married never existed and this pos was a stranger. I detached pretty quickly after that.
The funniest part was that he didn’t want a divorce and begged me not to leave. He was such a dumb fuck that he really thought I wanted him so badly that he could throw that stuff out and I’d shut the fuck up, drop his cheating, and go on with a phony surface marriage.
He was wrong.
So remember that the person you thought you married quite possibly never existed, so cut your losses.
That’s exactly how I feel. The person I loved doesn’t exist. He legally changed his name and has many aliases. Depending on who he is with, he’ll change his personality.
There is no :there: there as an excellent trauma therapist explained to me about my narc cheater FW. No stable personality no real substance or depth just smoke and mirrors. It’s the story of so many FW described here.
Great food for thought in those six lessons.
The metaphor of “carrying the baggage” made me ask myself why, seven years after the divorce, I haven’t stopped “carrying the baggage.” My first impulse was to condemn myself, but after some thought I realized that my own recovery, after a thirty-six year “mirage” (thanks, Velvet Hammer), is something that is ongoing, and healing from what I went through just takes time.
I’m giving myself a little grace, because although I instituted “no contact” with my now-ex as soon as I could after the divorce went through, my own understanding of our relationship, his character and motivations, and my own psychology, attitudes, and actions, continues to evolve.
What I feel like is this: I’m moving forward, carrying the baggage, but “unpacking the bag” gradually, as I go. I take something out, examine it, and then drop it and leave it behind me, and I continue on with an ever lighter load. The fact that I so easily rush to self-blame is one of those items I need to leave behind, because there is a difference between my willingness to examine my behavior and change where needed (a positive trait) and reflexive self-blame that serves no good purpose.
Aim for progress, not perfection. It takes a long time, please don’t beat yourself up. You’re doing really well.
It takes time.Everything you wrote here. Thanks for sharing.
I have had to tell myself that forty years with him, my entire adult life at the time of disclosure, is not something that just sloughs away. And life doesn’t stand still, so there have been, since then, retirement, caring for and shepherding my mother through her death, and moving house again, all of which are huge life events of their own.
My father died and my mother was dying -part of why I wasn’t a very useful appliance!-when he left. The selling of my house of 26 years happened this past year and that was HUGE. Yes, life continues to present problems and troubles, but at least I don’t have his cold annoyed face judging me as to how I handled them. The man never cared. I am free.
This resonated: “ I was with FW for 21 years, and I had no idea who he was”. Same here (add 5 years). I also see a predatory angle in my FW’s OW choice: she was a much younger, unresourced and uneducated subordinate at work. And the distancing/lack of emotional investment in OW. He told our daughter in the first few months of his “great love”: “it’s not like I’m going to marry that girl”.
Almost two years after my divorce was final, I discovered that Traitor Ex had opened an illicit Asian massage parlor with the primary Schmoopie, whom he evidently met as a patron of such establishments.
Thanks to the miracle of technology and the Internet, there are now sites where customers of sex workers can leave reviews.
In my role as an informant working with local law enforcement, I discovered his online reviews of massage parlor workers. This is a part of him he kept secret the entire time I was with him, which was 27 years.
I would never have even gone on a first date with him had I known this side of him.
I was not a wife. I now believe I was just a disguise. I was being held hostage.
When you are in a relationship with someone who is lying to you, deceiving you, you are being held hostage. They are ripping off your right to informed consent. This is why I think it’s important to stop using the word “cheating.” It’s a subjective term which keeps the debate loop going. Lying, fraud, deception are the appropriate terms to use.
If you are an advocate of sex work, I challenge you to spend some time reading what the customers write about the women they pay to service them.
I cannot in good conscience defend sex work after what I have read there.
I’m your twin in Chumpdom 😱
“I would never have even gone on a first date with him had I known this side of him.
I was not a wife. I now believe I was just a disguise. I was being held hostage.”
I agree wholeheartedly – the cheating part would only have people focus on the sex, whereas the action of cheating is merely a demonstration of how little they care for other people. If it were truly a matter of the heart, let’s say, it would have been ended and split amicably. This is lies, deception, use, and abuse. I was a very useful wife front to cover up the bad behavior (sex workers/questionable massage parlor stuff here too) of a deeply damaged/flawed person. I was denied my own reality to feed his.
Great comment.
So true, so tragic!
“I’m not in love with her, I’m just using her.” On another occasion, he said, “She’ll wake up one morning and I’ll be gone.”
It’s wild when they say it out loud. This is the (undeserved) fate that awaits the sweet stepmom of my kids. I have no idea how she and her wealthy father do not realize FW never filed their marriage certificate, and will get to simply walk out on her with all of her commingled assets, one day when she least expects it – perhaps when he eventually moves to Europe. Good for you for understanding that FWs like this stone cold sociopath do not bond like the rest of normal humanity is capable of genuinely bonding with others.
CL has a great old post about suddenly abandoned Chumps like us called “The Ones Who Just Leave.” Hang in there, you sound remarkably clear-headed and strong in your vision for your amazing future.
Mine has dual citizenship, too. What could possibly go wrong?
Yes! This is what I keep telling chumped people whenever I can, the ones who are sad because FW “loves” the AP but doesn’t love them. FWs don’t actually love anybody. Relationships are always transactional, their partners always objects of use to them. That’s why they can turn their backs on you without a second thought, why it doesn’t bother them to do you harm. That’s why they invariably are uncaring to their kids as well, and no, none of them are good parents no matter how badly chumps want to believe they are. The kids are also objects of use. They serve the facade that FWs are normal, decent, family oriented people. When I realized all that, it helped to free me. It helped free my daughter as well, who, wise person that she is, came to that conclusion on her own.
If I may I would propose a Friday challenge about all the ways our FWs were and are shitty parents.
Congrats on your wonderful FW free life, Free and Happy. 🙂
Thank you!
A good reminder. After my ex left, my therapist said the same, reminding me that every time he did something so blantantly uncaring, it was a reminder of what he really thought of us.
My kids were in college during the split, and they figured out who-was-who after awhile. When there was a graduation ceremony, I attended alone. At the first one, my kid said, “After all, you were the one who raised me and stayed in my life.”
That I did.
Great post. Yes to all of it! I want to support the younger gals and the newbies, so I try to read this site often. I learned also, that he had no attachement to anyone. Not to me, to any of the sex workers or random women he picked up along the way for decades. No one. I also learned that most all of the people I knew thought he was a fraud and a fool. And I learned that I am amazing and a treasure.
If you are looking for remorse, empathy, a realization of what they are losing! You need to look in the afterlife. It doesn’t exist here, from them. This POS is the real them