After Infidelity, What Should You Look for in a Therapist?
The Friday Challenge is: What should you look for in a therapist after you’ve been chumped? “Couples counseling” is the wrong answer.
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Hi Chump Lady,
Like many other chumps, my FW’s infidelity became apparent over the holiday season. On January 2nd, I went to get an STD test, and a couple of weeks later, I started counseling.
After reviewing my intake form, the first thing my therapist said to me was, “On a scale of one to ten, how selfish or selfless is your husband?” At that point, I was still delusional and doing everything I could to excuse his behavior. I explained that he was having a midlife crisis, and I was 100% certain that he loved me. She immediately started scribbling in her notes.
Several years later, I look back on that day and realize how lucky I was to find that therapist.
She knew exactly how to help me. My question to you and Chump Nation is, what should you look for in a good therapist? What’s the best advice we can give the newbies?
Thanks for all you do!
Single and happy!
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Dear Single and Happy,
How fortunate you were to find a therapist who didn’t blame you for your husband’s wandering dick! But instead asked you to rate his selfishness!
I like this idea of what a good therapist looks like for a Friday Challenge. Usually it goes the other way here — we share our Reconciliation Industrial Complex horror stories. I think that’s the first clue to finding a good therapist after infidelity — avoid couples counselors.
Infidelity isn’t an “us” problem, it’s a singular entitlement problem.
That would be my first screen. You might have real faults, but they don’t compel your partner to abuse you and behave unethically. Anyone who wants you to examine all the ways you can nice someone out of an affair is a quack, in my opinion.
Another sign of a good therapist is someone who is practical about the things you can control (yourself, your reactions, what to do next) versus the things you cannot (other people). I’d like some tangible goals, versus an endless billing cycle, you know?
And, after infidelity, look for a therapist who recognizes trauma.
High on hopium (I CAN SAVE THIS!) we don’t often recognize it ourselves. (I WILL TRY HARDER!) Or are so mindfucked we will not advocate for ourselves on this front. (HE SAYS IT’S MY FAULT!) You’d think the hyper vigilance, vomiting, and sleeplessness after D-Day might be clues, but as anyone here can tell you, discovering your partner’s double life is shattering. And the hits keep coming. So find a support team — a therapist, doctor, online community. If you have a therapist who does not frame infidelity as traumatic, you’re going to suffer a lot longer than necessary.
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So, CN, what’s your criteria for finding a good therapist? Any wisdom to impart to the newbies?
Love the Monty Python reference. My first D day we did couples counseling. It was just him bitching about my parents after a few sessions of this we stopped going. It was not helpful for me. And I thought wow therapy sucks and doesn’t do anything and was annoyed it gave him a forum to bitch and I felt unseen and unheard in those sessions. Light years later, and 2 more D days later, because they NEVER stop coming, I tried therapy again. This time I found a Phd male I met with him a few times made FW meet with him a few times then we met with him a few times together. The together was not helpful. But….I did it this way because he wouldnt go to a counselor unless I framed it as marriage counseling to save the marriage. I needed him to go so I could see if the counselor thought he had OCPD or another Personality disorder. The counselor told me he thought FW was a narcissist. I still think its OCPD and narc traits, there is alot of overlap with PD. But this was helpful to know he was mentally ill. But yes couples counseling is a waste of time and money. Better to go by yourself so you can get the support you need. Unfortunately with these cheaters there is something fundamentally wrong with them. And we made a big mistake marrying them. They duped us into marriage. Its not totally our fault. Therapists will do the victim blaming, like well didnt you see signs of their behavior? Why didnt you break up or not marry them? Sure we all saw some red flags, but we were working from a framework of they are like us. Like hey we all are not perfect we all make mistakes they are human and fundamentally mean well. You have to have alot of experience with these types to recognize it, and when you are young and in love and not a paranoid person you dont see it for what it is. Especially when they are on their best behavior trying to con you to lock you in. Thank goodness CL is here as a resource. And the message it slowly being changed, but only because people are starting to challenge the status quo.
I’m on therapy since 2018 with a Cognitive Behavioral therapist specialized on child abuse and she helps children and adults who lived it (because I’m a child abuse survivor), after having some Freudian Therapists who switched everything to a “It’s a YOU issue”.
My therapist always focus on solving the “today” problems first, asking you about how you feel and what you want to achieve, advising, and after a month we do a recap and analyze everything and the psychological aspects of what is happening and how to solve it long term.
She is really helping me cope with the infidelity and FW stupidity.
For me, the criteria for a good therapist is this:
Focus entirely on what you feel.Doesn’t gave orders, gaves advice (that includes possible consequences and possible scenarios of action).Don’t blame you for whatever happened to you.The conversation flows easily.
Hugs for all of you ♥
My experience was a bit mixed. It helped that the therapist was sounding the alarm about my husband long before the split. She saw us both separately and was telling me that couples’ therapy was out. She had a trauma sub-speciality. That was good.
But after we separated for the last time, she was brutal, actually shaming me at several points for struggling with the next steps. I found a very experienced life coach who took me step-by-step through what was needed.
After working with me for some months, she suggested that I join twelve-step group since my STBX was also an addict on top of the rest. And it was there that I truly found peace. I found Chump Lady post-divorce, and more old beliefs fell away. Things made more and more sense to me.
My lesson was that if you’re not getting help, look further. And be willing to quit therapy if it’s not making sense with where you are. And maybe help from something other than therapy is in order. I was relentless with finding help. That’s key.
If you’re a Christian absolutely do NOT go to your pastor for individual or couples counseling. They are untrained and solely motivated to not have divorces in thei flock. SAME with unlicensed pastoral/biblical counselors. There’s an extremely high chance you will get further abused and victimized and blamed, and advised to stay in the marriage no matter what.
My own Christian therapist at the time of separation is licensed but in practice is more like her pastoral counselor husband. I will always be grateful to her that she named the abuse I experienced and showed me how I was a frog in slowly boiling water. But that’s where my gratitude ended.
After separating, she switched to pressuring me to reconcile, and do a week-long intensive with her and her husband together with my STBX. When I couldn’t do that, she effectively fired me.
I don’t miss sessions with her, though. She was a one-note therapist: she ONLY prescribed forgiveness. Before even processing anything with her I had to do “forgiveness statements” during our sessions.
On to my ex’s counselors…I am 💯 convinced that my uber wily, heavily-masked personality disordered ex manipulated both of his counselors completely. He crowed to me and to everyone that he was working hard in counseling, so I should take him back. What was he working hard at? Getting them to see him as the victim in the narrative, victim of terrible me. They readily went along with it. Total malpractice in my hook.
A common refrain from my ex at that time was “My counselor says you’re [fill in the blank disordered/vindictive/messed up]. I retorted “Why are your sessions all about me, whom they’ve never once talked to, and not you?” The why is that my ex took them both for a ride, completely manipulated them like he manipulates everyone.
Now I am seeing 2 fantastic therapists (long story as to why I see 2). One is trauma-informed and can do EMDR – super helpful. Both help me see him for what he is, and have helped me lessen anxiety and even go off my anti-depressants.
The biggest difference is tha they have NO agenda for me, but they empower me to listen to my own gut and they encourage health and agency in all my relationships.