After Infidelity, What Should You Look for in a Therapist?
The Friday Challenge is: What should you look for in a therapist after you’ve been chumped? “Couples counseling” is the wrong answer.
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Hi Chump Lady,
Like many other chumps, my FW’s infidelity became apparent over the holiday season. On January 2nd, I went to get an STD test, and a couple of weeks later, I started counseling.
After reviewing my intake form, the first thing my therapist said to me was, “On a scale of one to ten, how selfish or selfless is your husband?” At that point, I was still delusional and doing everything I could to excuse his behavior. I explained that he was having a midlife crisis, and I was 100% certain that he loved me. She immediately started scribbling in her notes.
Several years later, I look back on that day and realize how lucky I was to find that therapist.
She knew exactly how to help me. My question to you and Chump Nation is, what should you look for in a good therapist? What’s the best advice we can give the newbies?
Thanks for all you do!
Single and happy!
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Dear Single and Happy,
How fortunate you were to find a therapist who didn’t blame you for your husband’s wandering dick! But instead asked you to rate his selfishness!
I like this idea of what a good therapist looks like for a Friday Challenge. Usually it goes the other way here — we share our Reconciliation Industrial Complex horror stories. I think that’s the first clue to finding a good therapist after infidelity — avoid couples counselors.
Infidelity isn’t an “us” problem, it’s a singular entitlement problem.
That would be my first screen. You might have real faults, but they don’t compel your partner to abuse you and behave unethically. Anyone who wants you to examine all the ways you can nice someone out of an affair is a quack, in my opinion.
Another sign of a good therapist is someone who is practical about the things you can control (yourself, your reactions, what to do next) versus the things you cannot (other people). I’d like some tangible goals, versus an endless billing cycle, you know?
And, after infidelity, look for a therapist who recognizes trauma.
High on hopium (I CAN SAVE THIS!) we don’t often recognize it ourselves. (I WILL TRY HARDER!) Or are so mindfucked we will not advocate for ourselves on this front. (HE SAYS IT’S MY FAULT!) You’d think the hyper vigilance, vomiting, and sleeplessness after D-Day might be clues, but as anyone here can tell you, discovering your partner’s double life is shattering. And the hits keep coming. So find a support team — a therapist, doctor, online community. If you have a therapist who does not frame infidelity as traumatic, you’re going to suffer a lot longer than necessary.
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So, CN, what’s your criteria for finding a good therapist? Any wisdom to impart to the newbies?
Love the Monty Python reference. My first D day we did couples counseling. It was just him bitching about my parents after a few sessions of this we stopped going. It was not helpful for me. And I thought wow therapy sucks and doesn’t do anything and was annoyed it gave him a forum to bitch and I felt unseen and unheard in those sessions. Light years later, and 2 more D days later, because they NEVER stop coming, I tried therapy again. This time I found a Phd male I met with him a few times made FW meet with him a few times then we met with him a few times together. The together was not helpful. But….I did it this way because he wouldnt go to a counselor unless I framed it as marriage counseling to save the marriage. I needed him to go so I could see if the counselor thought he had OCPD or another Personality disorder. The counselor told me he thought FW was a narcissist. I still think its OCPD and narc traits, there is alot of overlap with PD. But this was helpful to know he was mentally ill. But yes couples counseling is a waste of time and money. Better to go by yourself so you can get the support you need. Unfortunately with these cheaters there is something fundamentally wrong with them. And we made a big mistake marrying them. They duped us into marriage. Its not totally our fault. Therapists will do the victim blaming, like well didnt you see signs of their behavior? Why didnt you break up or not marry them? Sure we all saw some red flags, but we were working from a framework of they are like us. Like hey we all are not perfect we all make mistakes they are human and fundamentally mean well. You have to have alot of experience with these types to recognize it, and when you are young and in love and not a paranoid person you dont see it for what it is. Especially when they are on their best behavior trying to con you to lock you in. Thank goodness CL is here as a resource. And the message it slowly being changed, but only because people are starting to challenge the status quo.
Yes to the Monty Python reference! And all of your message, especially “They duped us into marriage.” I must sit with that. It’s exactly what happened.
Imtired,
Your sage observations x 1,000. Chumps, please put yourself in counseling for betrayal trauma. Leave your FW’s at home since many if not most have no interest in actually healing your relationship and will lie, gaslight, manipulate, and my personal favorite, stonewall through an hour a week at $180. They will appear saintly as they patiently deal with your emotional disregulation (they caused) that you just can’t seem to get under control. And if they choose to utter a few sentences in between your tearfully pleadings for connection the counselor will praise them for engaging.
I’m on therapy since 2018 with a Cognitive Behavioral therapist specialized on child abuse and she helps children and adults who lived it (because I’m a child abuse survivor), after having some Freudian Therapists who switched everything to a “It’s a YOU issue”.
My therapist always focus on solving the “today” problems first, asking you about how you feel and what you want to achieve, advising, and after a month we do a recap and analyze everything and the psychological aspects of what is happening and how to solve it long term.
She is really helping me cope with the infidelity and FW stupidity.
For me, the criteria for a good therapist is this:
Focus entirely on what you feel.Doesn’t gave orders, gaves advice (that includes possible consequences and possible scenarios of action).Don’t blame you for whatever happened to you.The conversation flows easily.
Hugs for all of you ♥
My experience was a bit mixed. It helped that the therapist was sounding the alarm about my husband long before the split. She saw us both separately and was telling me that couples’ therapy was out. She had a trauma sub-speciality. That was good.
But after we separated for the last time, she was brutal, actually shaming me at several points for struggling with the next steps. I found a very experienced life coach who took me step-by-step through what was needed.
After working with me for some months, she suggested that I join twelve-step group since my STBX was also an addict on top of the rest. And it was there that I truly found peace. I found Chump Lady post-divorce, and more old beliefs fell away. Things made more and more sense to me.
My lesson was that if you’re not getting help, look further. And be willing to quit therapy if it’s not making sense with where you are. And maybe help from something other than therapy is in order. I was relentless with finding help. That’s key.
I also found Chumplady post-divorce–many, many years after my divorce. I spent far too much time mourning the death of my marriage, though I did eventually make peace with it, thank goodness, and was in a fairly good place after that. But Chumplady helped enormously in terms of helping me see the past more clearly, process what had happened to me, and helped me understand that the cheating and deception were a form of abuse. I’m really grateful for that.
If you’re a Christian absolutely do NOT go to your pastor for individual or couples counseling. They are untrained and solely motivated to not have divorces in thei flock. SAME with unlicensed pastoral/biblical counselors. There’s an extremely high chance you will get further abused and victimized and blamed, and advised to stay in the marriage no matter what.
My own Christian therapist at the time of separation is licensed but in practice is more like her pastoral counselor husband. I will always be grateful to her that she named the abuse I experienced and showed me how I was a frog in slowly boiling water. But that’s where my gratitude ended.
After separating, she switched to pressuring me to reconcile, and do a week-long intensive with her and her husband together with my STBX. When I couldn’t do that, she effectively fired me.
I don’t miss sessions with her, though. She was a one-note therapist: she ONLY prescribed forgiveness. Before even processing anything with her I had to do “forgiveness statements” during our sessions.
On to my ex’s counselors…I am 💯 convinced that my uber wily, heavily-masked personality disordered ex manipulated both of his counselors completely. He crowed to me and to everyone that he was working hard in counseling, so I should take him back. What was he working hard at? Getting them to see him as the victim in the narrative, victim of terrible me. They readily went along with it. Total malpractice in my hook.
A common refrain from my ex at that time was “My counselor says you’re [fill in the blank disordered/vindictive/messed up]. I retorted “Why are your sessions all about me, whom they’ve never once talked to, and not you?” The why is that my ex took them both for a ride, completely manipulated them like he manipulates everyone.
Now I am seeing 2 fantastic therapists (long story as to why I see 2). One is trauma-informed and can do EMDR – super helpful. Both help me see him for what he is, and have helped me lessen anxiety and even go off my anti-depressants.
The biggest difference is tha they have NO agenda for me, but they empower me to listen to my own gut and they encourage health and agency in all my relationships.
My experience…my Pastors rebaptized and remarried my cheater, to someone else months after the divorce was final. No DO NOT GO TO THE CHURCH leaders unless they know what they are doing;it will get serious or the cheaper can bamboozle the congregation with the gossipers making hay while you are heaped in guilt. Please look at the you -tubes by Shaneen Medgi for us church people, but have Tracy’s book open to compare. Though I am still a follower of Jesus( I no longer call myself a Christian after church leaderships abandonment) there were other good people who helped me. I then went outside the church for all my needs. I learned that Forgiveness means letting them go, not letting them back in the bed with my precious body ever again.
I LOVE Shaneen Medgi – was just recently turned on to her videos. Helpful stuff, understanding the disordered. Happy to never have him back in my bed!
Yes, I hear you. My church leadership recommended that I give my runaway husband a year. I’ll add here that he was a long-term pill addict, so there was that dynamic. They assigned two elders’ wives to counsel me and told me to quit my therapist. Thankfully, I didn’t. Their answers were perpetually “pray it away” and “God can fix anything.” On the side, I added a life transitions coach who had been a church lay counsellor for decades and a twelve-step group. And ultimately, I left that church. Their surface advice didn’t address what my attorney, also a devout man, called a struggle between “good versus evil.”
Glad to be over all that. Both of my adult kids are in a very good place, knowing how to listen to their gut and maintain boundaries. They both would say that I modelled that and also encouraged getting good therapy when needed. We have no idea how their father is doing since it’s been years now since we heard from him. And we’re going with that despite the naysayers.
I was already in therapy when I found out about the infidelity. She agreed to meet with us for 2 hours. She was so skilled, at the end she asked one question “name 5 things you like about your wife of 30 years” he came up with nothing. Then she asked me and I came up with 5 things easily. On my follow up visit her assessment was “he is across the field and over the fence, he’s gone” thats all I needed to hear, I called a lawyer and real estate agent the next day. I trusted her judgement more than my own and thats a good thing. She navigated me through the entire ordeal and I was fine. Friends and family are fine, but a good therapist, she was a shrink,We are still in touch to this day. I will never forget what she did for me.You will know if the therapist is in your corner by your gut feeling. Sadly psychiatrists in Canada are no longer allowed to be therapists they strictly dispense meds and thats a bad thing. Psychologists can’t compare.
After surviving infidelity and abandonment (plus all the narcissistic abuse that came with it), I would ask any prospective therapist 2 critical questions before I committed to working with them:
1. Tell me about any experience you have treating survivors of narcissistic abuse? (Walk away if they don’t have a record here [or can’t make meaningful connections from related experience treating survivors of domestic abuse]; or, if they try to gaslight you by telling you that’s not a real thing.)
2. What training do you have in trauma and attachment therapy, and what are your preferred approaches in that area? (Again, if they have no training, walk away.)
In my experience if a therapist can answer both these questions in a clear and helpful way, the relationship will be productive.
These are great questions. Very similar to what I asked prospective therapists.
Those are good!
Put the focus on you and your healing. You need someone to help you heal from trauma, even if you don’t realize you’ve been traumatized (**raises hand**). Also, in my experience, a group class, conducted by a warm and moral person trained in trauma is very, very helpful. It was only in the group setting that I realized the extent of what had been done to me, by hearing the stories from the other women. Almost all of us were somewhat numb about our own pain and suffering, but became enraged at what FW’s did to the other ladies. It was only then that I was able to start putting my own story together with understanding of what had happened.
For the love of all that is holy, avoid any therapist, for yourself or your FW if you are unfortunate enough to still have one, that is led by someone who is a former cheater. Why in God’s name is this even a thing? It is like hiring a rapist to help you deal with the trauma of being raped. Or hiring a drunk driver to teach your kids about the importance of sobriety and good driving. Just don’t.
Mental health professional/trained therapist here. (And just like hair club for men-I’m not just in the field, but also a client!) And I think you all know what I’m about by now…so…strap in! Whatcha all snackin’ on?
My big opener here-you need to treat therapy like any other healthcare-like a consumer. At least here in the US we seem to have our healthcare professionals on a pedestal. Yeah no. We’ve done enough with pedestals! No more!
This means:
1) You are going to need to be pretty forthcoming about what your key issue is within the first couple of sessions. You had the courage to make the appointment-“hero time starts right now” as one of my few remaining heroes would sing.
2) You need to be ready to fire your therapist and find a new one if it isn’t “clicking”. And that’s ok! There are a ton of different theoretical perspectives, backgrounds, and techniques-there is no “one size fits all” solution. You are unique-so are your difficulties. You do yourself (and quite frankly your back account) a disservice by sticking with somebody that “isn’t a match.” It’s kind of like dating that regard-you don’t have to settle if you don’t want to. It took me a few tries before I found one that has managed a lot of my issues effectively.
3) This is YOUR healing-you need to take it seriously. And you need to be realistic about it. Therapy is CHALLENGING. Things get worse before they get better. There may be homework. It is all worth it, but you are going to get out of it exactly what you put into it.
4) It’s going to get uncomfortable at times. My therapist will straight up kick my ass sometimes. And that’s ok! That’s part of the game for me. I see a lot of people ditch or “stop listening” to their therapists because something uncomfortable gets brought up. I about pulled a knife when I got accused of having control issues. See? I said “Accused.” That is how defensive I am about that! It’s true, though. And now that I recognize the issue I am able to work through it. The trigger phrase around these parts is “take responsibility for YOUR part in the cheating!” If you hear THAT part, run. What you are more likely to hear is “Take responsibility for YOUR healing and emotions.” We are not here to fix a dead relationship-we are here to fix ourselves so we can move on (and if we elect to “try again” to be able to handle it better).
5) Be realistic-There is no magic bullet, there is no cure. It does not happen overnight. If your present problem was simple enough to fix in a couple of weeks I don’t think you’d need to see a professional over it. Nothing that happens in therapy is going to undo the harm that was done to you. You can make your way through it, learn to cope better, grow around the hurt to where it shrinks into something that’s just kind of a pain in the ass sometimes (we call it “Tuesday” around here-what happened is what happened-here’s how to thrive again.) My goal in therapy has been a lot more about coping better and living the best life that I can despite what happened.
6) Do not sleep on Telehealth-frankly that is what I use. It has come a long way (we can thank the pandemic for it advancing so dramatically). It’s discrete, it lives in your pocket, in most cases it’s cheaper (mine is through my health insurance and has a LAUGHABLE copay) and you have a near 0 chance of running into them in the community. Being a chump myself, I developed the same mistrust of anybody local that most of us have “incase somebody talks.” Part of therapy is having a completely air gapped third party that has no interface with your universe (it’s all great practice at setting and enforcing boundaries! Ahem.) It does not get much more air gapped than “they live in a completely different state than I do.”
So that’s the general advice. Here is the more chump specific advice:
1) Get one that is trained in or has a background in Trauma-Informed Care. What you went through being chumped was traumatic. You were abused. You are now a victim of abuse. So am I. And I am sorry. Having a therapist with training in TIC is pretty amazing to be honest. They will not need to empathize or have direct experience with being cheated on to be able to effectively implement care.
1a) If you have any inkling that you need to work on your cognitions, cognitive behavioral therapists are very easy to find. I think there is a lot of merit in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and Motivational Interviewing for chump-related issues particularly if you feel like you need a more “from the ground up” rebuild mentally.
2) Feel out their attitudes on the whole “infidelity” thing-further to #2 above-you may need to cut bait sooner rather than later if you feel like you are being talked down to, not being taken seriously, etc. As we all learned rather quickly, some people lack empathy for no better reason than “it hasn’t happened to them yet”…and/or they have entitlements of their own that need addressed. I dismissed my therapist at the time pretty soon after D-Day-he told me that I needed to trust her, give her the benefit of the doubt when I was paranoid during the Pick-Me Dance, and quite frankly did not take me seriously when I told him what happened and that I was right. Done. For that matter…
3) Figure out what it is you want in your therapist-The party line I hear A LOT in my work is “I want somebody that has been through what I am going through.” That can be difficult-we are all sort of trained not to overshare about our own lives, make things about ourselves, etc, and when we do we need to be extremely careful about it. You may have difficulty finding a fellow chump to help you work through your issues (though I remain available here most days if you need someone to type too much and call your fuckwit an asshole.)
4) Geologic Time Includes “Now”-You may be the one that trains your therapist on how to manage victims of infidelity. And that’s ok! Empathy and the delivery of healing, in my experience, is so much more about what we don’t know as healers-it helps us ask better questions. For me, it helps me learn and experience empathy better (granted it turns out that I am more of an exploratory learner). I have shared Tracy’s book with…frankly…anybody that will listen at this point. As healers we are all still learning, too. And by the way, you might just like the result in being the one to give the romance-free version of what the Chump experience looks like. My mission as a healer since D-Day has been to give as many of my colleagues the tools to handle Our People as possible.
5) Paging Dr. Freud-we all learned about Ol’ Sigmund and his cigars when we took Psych 101 in school. I assure you all that the field has come a long, long way from whatever the hell that was. The main takeaway I got in my training and lived experience from the Psychodynamic school of thought is transference as a healing tool. My current, most successful therapist is a woman-this, after I (stupidly) decided for myself that I required a male therapist. I did not think I would ever be able to be vulnerable and non-defensive around a woman again after what my fuckwit put me through. I am very, very happy to have been wrong on that. So further to number 3 above? Now may not be the best time to limit yourself. I will spell it out-I have done the best healing of my life with the therapist I least imagined would be able to figure me out, show unconditional positive regard, or hold me accountable effectively.
I realize that I talked a lot here. And well…I’m not sorry! This is what I do for a living. I realize there are a lot of bad actors out there. At the same time, I have heard A LOT of completely insane things about what people expect out of therapy. Part of what I do for my work is advocacy. I was advocating for therapy before I got chumped. I was fighting to make experiences for other people easier than they were for me before then as well. I have found great value in my own therapy over the years. I want anybody reading this to go with realistic expectations to get the most out of their own healing.
Happy Boxing Day, and have a Fuckwit Free Friday!
Re Freud, I’m not a psychologist or psychiatrist, but I think he succeeded with patients because they talked and he listened. Which doesn’t mean he was right about everything.
I think some of my favorite learning in the field has been in the history and systems of care. Therapy as it exists is a very, very new discipline. As you pointed out, Ol’ Sigmund’s approach of “shut up the listen” was edgy and controversial. And it worked.
Thanks so much for weighing in as both a chump and a therapist.
This completely reflects my thinking. I had years of therapy leading up to the split and then some afterwards. Ultimately, I found other sources of help which work for me. The bottom line is to be relentless about getting help if you find yourself skidding.
I have a sibling who is one of the sad cases of someone who has little inertia. He’s stuck where he is, very isolated. Every year, it’s the same goals for himself which he never makes any progress on. I stay in touch, but I’m not optimistic that he will ever move out of the hole he’s in. I’ve made so many suggestions that he never acts on. Sad.
Ultimately you find what works best for you and I am happy that you have!
I hear you about your sibling-I know people like that as well. I really try to underscore “realistic goal setting” as much as I can in life-not just professionally. Small manageable goals are the currency of change. Some people, sadly, have a knack for setting an impossible goal so that they can’t achieve it and remain stuck.
Yes, I don’t know what it will take for my sibling. He’s in excellent shape financially despite not working but is obsessively frugal and in poor health. He’ll need to see a doctor because of medication issues, and won’t order an Uber to take him there. So he’ll stay home largely incapacitated until he’s well enough to take the bus. He won’t call me if he’s in the ICU unless he’s at death’s door and is scared. He doesn’t have a car and says all his friends have moved away.
I’ve suggested moving here, but he says it’s way too expensive. Yes, he could afford it. He won’t get therapy, even online, because he’s fine with his life. He’s a big hoarder, and I’ve suggested decluttering in 15-minute increments. He can’t get around to it. So he’s depressed and stuck. It’s very sad, of course.
I had an uncle who did this for years and years, finally dying in the hospital of cancer. I didn’t know he was gone until the authorities tracked me down. And no idea he had cancer because he always insisted he was fine over the phone. That’s a likely scenario with my sibling.
A bad therapist can derail the chumps life even further so choose carefully!
My opinion is a mixture of discussion with with several long time friends who are counselors, plus personal experience with about 8 therapists spanning D day 1 eons ago to D days 2,3,4,5 which is recent.
I’d recommend a trauma-informed one who is older and wiser and even better if chumped him/herself.
An in-depth understanding of personality disorders which is surprisingly NOT common amongst therapists in the USA.
Someone ethical, not just motivated by ongoing revenue stream to be squeezed out of a chump.
I’ve actually known a handful of narcissists and cheaters who are counselors/therapists and CN have posted the same, so make sure your therapist is not one of them.
I’m thankful for the one who flat out told me to RUN.
Above all, a therapist who gets that infidelity is ABUSE.
My therapist started out as our marriage counselor when FW convinced me he was open to wreckconciliation. FW chose the therapist and made the first appointment and that selection actually worked out tremendously in my favor. In truth, FW wasn’t open to anything except somehow getting me to agree (presumably, with the therapist’s help) to be BFFs with him after he ran away with the Married Howorker.  About 6 months in, FW realized his tactic wasn’t going to work, so he came to what turned out to be our final marriage counseling session together with a prepared speech that he’d dictated into his phone. Without looking at me or the therapist, he finally told the truth and said what he really wanted was a divorce, and he wasn’t going to put himself through the misery of any more marriage counseling. At that point, the therapist looked at me and said, “My longstanding practice is to offer my services as an individual therapist to the abandoned spouse. Since that person is you, would you be interested in working with me individually“? I was thrilled because I loved the therapist, knew he was a straight shooter and I’d make a great progress with him. But before I could even say a word, FW looked at me and said, “Why don’t you let ME have those counseling appointments“? There was no end to his entitlement. I said, “No way, I’m taking those spots for myself. Go find yourself another therapist. And since you don’t intend to come back here, you can take your ass out the door right now”.
I accidentally landed in the office of a sex therapist who also does other types of therapy. This was very damaging as after I told him about what my husband did he said, “sex is very important to people.” He knew he’d f’d up when I fell on the floor in uncontrolled sobbing. He apologised profusely but the damage was already done. After that, I saw someone else in the same group (they were trying to help after his mistake) who promptly sent me to the local women’s refuge. There I had social work support and saw the counselor who specialised in abuse. They were amazing and it opened my eyes to what had happened- they recognised the dynamic and I learned the term “narcissistic abuse”. They were wonderful and taught me all I needed to know about manipulation, control and abuse. It was a godsend moment that the terrible therapy practice I’d been to realised what I needed and sent me there.
Key takeaway- don’t go to a sex therapist and find one that knows about abuse dynamics.
I tried a sex therapist and the experience was so lackluster that I’ve side-eyed sex therapy ever since. I was looking for thoughtful discussions about sexuality and how to resolve sexual wounding. All I got was a very surface leveling understanding of sex and worksheets about stuff like BDSM (which I did not ask for). She didn’t understand abuse at all and had no framework for concepts like intimacy. For her, sex meant “insert tab A into slot B.” It was shockingly regressive.
This therapist got her doctorate from the top program in the world for sex therapy, and admitted sex therapy is still like the wild west. I believe it, if this was an example of the best in the field.
I’ve always side eyed so-called sex addiction as a diagnosis. It’s conveniently highjacked by the FW of the world as an excuse.
When I realized I needed to leave my FW, I went to a therapist for some support. Her comment was that we needed to communicate better and so we brought him in. What a waste of time and money, he lied, she minimized the abuse and was on his side, chastising me.
I finally found my own therapist and was told it was not my fault. I could move on from that and I found better therapists and went to intensive outpatient therapy. It took a few years to move on and get to meh.
Find a therapist who understands trauma and that cheating is abusive. They made that choice, not you.
The best therapist post cheating
1. Not a couples therapist
2. Did NOT see you before as a couple ( 2 of my therapist liked my sweet quiet gentle( covert, charmer, abuser) cheater and excused him due to they knew his sad FOO story from BEFORE
3. REMEMBERs what you tell them week to week
4. Can do EMDR for YOUR Trauma
5. Knows what a divorce is and has names of financial people and good lawyers
6 thinks about the children and you
7. You can feel the love and compassion
8 experienced
9 I’m not too sure about male therapists for female trauma
10. Having a therapist with a PHD was not helpful x2. Their brains are very compressed
11 action oriented
12 read Tracy’s book, absorb and see if your therapist sounds like her.
I agree with the extra care if working with a male therapist, but keeping an open mind. My regular guy is a safe place for me to vent but nowhere near as effective as the female trauma therapist who I can no longer afford.
One older male we worked as a couple with him, flat out told FW he’s proven himself a deceitful thief when FW demanded that I “let go of the past”. In Tracy’s words the counselor was basically looking at FW and thinking “there’s nothing to work with here”.
One old female counselor claiming to be a former chump not only was ineffective but was fawning over FW in secret communications I found! That woman is still getting $$$ from counseling a friend’s husband for years now without much improvement.
2 therapist fawned over my cheater and felt bad for his terrible childhood..which actually should encourage me.IF THEY WERE FOOLED with his stories and behaviors and they had PHDs how could I, a mere college grad and with” in love” blinders on, do any better enmeshed in a hoping fog, holding my spackle bucket and smoking the hoping pipe??
My experience; I lucked out with the second therapist I went to in the immediate aftermath. She was aghast at some the things I told her. She made a disgusted face and asked me what I wanted to do. I said I wanted to leave him. She said; “How can I help you with that?”
I really didn’t see any way for her to help so I didn’t go back. I had figured out the answer to the problem and knew what I had to do, so I didn’t need her guidance. However, it felt good to be validated.
I had seen one previous to that who was awful. She didn’t want to listen to me and acted like she was humoring a child. I was sitting there sobbing away and she was smugly *tolerating* it, making her disdain very obvious. It was like my pain was an imposition and she was a great person for putting up with me. I couldn’t figure it out at first. What the hell was wrong with this woman? Then I realized she was just a bitch and felt an urge to punch her lights out, so I got up and left.
As a weird child on the spectrum (before the spectrum was considered a thing) I had seen several therapists. All were hopeless. One was a Freudian who did nothing but give me an ink blot test and then play gin rummy with me for an hour each week. Another was a “behaviour modification” dimwit. Even at 12 years of age I could tell he didn’t know what he was talking about. Every time one proved to be useless, my mom, who apparently thought therapy was a panacea, just found another equally useless one. I can’t even remember them all.
So I have seen way more than my share of therapists, and based on my experience, most of them suck.
Unfortunately, in order to weed them out you need to have a session. So this is what I would look for; does the therapist seem not to be genuinely interested in your problems? Dump. Does the therapist hold you responsible for things that are not your fault, like your FW’s behavior? Dump. Does the therapist act smug and superior? Dump. Does the therapist not believe that infidelity is abusive and causes trauma? Dump. You can ask the therapist if he/she believes that. Even if the therapist doesn’t say no, if he/she hems and haws, avoiding answering the question, dump.
Also, avoid a therapist whose practice heavily involves couple’s counselling. They are invested in chump blame in order to “save” relationship, because they know FWs will not accept blame or be accountable, so their only recourse to get it in the “saved” column is to get the chump to take responsibility.
I was discussing this with a fellow chump who made it to meh and she gave the advice that you should feel validated when you come out of therapy.
My therapist is a no-nonsense woman in her 80s. She was the highly-regarded Employee Assistance Provider for several companies and known for finding quick resolutions for difficult conflicts.
I couldn’t have been more shocked when she suddenly snapped out, “I wish he’d just drop dead already!”
Still makes me laugh and feel warm to think of it.
I cannot stress enough that trauma therapy is a SPECIALTY that you must explicitly look for when hiring a therapist. If a therapist hasn’t studied trauma, they will at best not be able to help you and at worst will do more damage.
I must’ve seen at least a dozen therapists over the years, and they all looked at me like I had three heads when I started talking. Or they asked rude, invasive, invalidating questions that re-traumatized me all over again.
Finally, I found a very nice therapist who specialized in anxiety and learning disorders who had the humility to tell me she was in over her head and referred me to a trauma therapist. The trauma therapist was phenomenal. I healed more in three years with her than in the previous 30 years of therapy elsewhere.
Turns out I was not just “having a hard time and needed to think more positively”, this woman diagnosed me with PTSD. She said if we’d been going by the international DSM, I would’ve qualified for C-PTSD which is often seen in survivors of extreme, repeat trauma like war, genocide, and cults. (I am a child abuse and cult survivor.)
Other things to look for when hiring a therapist…
Openly ask them upfront if they consider infidelity to be abuse. If they say no, fire them.
Don’t share the tough stuff upfront. Take a few weeks or months to feel them out. Do you like their bedside manner? Do they listen? Do they ever make you feel invalidated? Ask them what progress looks like.
Lastly, expect that good therapy will make you feel like shit, but try to recognize the difference between your therapist being an asshole vs gently pushing you.
Like many others, I wasted time and money on unhelpful “help.” Spent 13 weeks on a very unhelpful weekly online “Recovery” program that made everything so much worse. Then ended up with a kind and ethical, but unhelpful therapist I got from my insurance company panel. Very economical, but no help at all. After a few meetings she was quite honest and told me she didn’t have the proper training, that she suggested I go outside of the network, but I could come and vent a few more times until I found the right sort of help. My PCP, a lovely doc, who has since retired, was helpful. She offered me meds if I wanted them, and was spot-on honest, telling me I had been betrayed–using that word–and that I needed a good (licensed) therapist who had experience in that area. And not couples counseling. So folks, here is my take–get whatever meds you and your doc think you need to get over that first few months or however long. Find a good, licensed, experienced therapist who understands that it doesn’t take 2 to tango,and that you have been conned, and that you need support and encouragement to get your life back, and doesn’t invoke prayer as the answer. Nothing wrong with prayer, but you will need way more/different than that. I got good direction from lawyer friends, physicain friends, therapist friends, as well as a referral service at Jewish Family Services (no religious requirement and they were very kind and helpful, also suggesting I get STD tested which I had, and a lawyer right away!) Focus on you, not the coiple. Becuase there is no couple. He (or she) opted out out of that. That is over. You just are finding out after the fact. This site is a good place to get referrals. too, I imagine.
Avoid religious based counselling (reconcilliation focused), and any therapist who frames infidelity as a couples problem.
It’s important to understand that the issues you have as a couple are separate to the issue of infidelity. You are not to be blamed for a situation that put you as the victim, that you didn’t know about, and that you can’t control.
I went straight to therapy the week of the first D Day and was promptly hit on by a male therapist. I didn’t go back (to a different, female therapist) for another year and by then I was so angry I think I spent the first six hours just raging. But I needed to do that. I stayed with that therapist for nearly two years. Then I had a few years break, and went back again for another year. It has been a long process.