An Update from Chump Whose Ex Wanted to Move Into Her Basement
We hear from a chump whose ex wanted to move into her basement. It’s years later and she provides a mighty update.
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Hi Chump Lady,
Ruggermom here from 2012. You know, the silly ex who wouldn’t let the cheater move back into her basement!! Oh boy, how chumpy was I back in those days!
Just a quick update: The cheater (after I wouldn’t let him move in and eat his hot pockets in MY basement) has finally started to suffer the consequences of his narcissistic behavior.
In a nutshell, he eventually bought a house for his supposed soulmate. And this is where the fun begins:
Along came her youngest daughter with three young kids to LIVE IN HIS BASEMENT!!!
The “soulmate” quickly quit her job after they moved in together. And not only is he supporting her, but also supporting the daughter and kids AND he is legally bound to pay me monthly maintenance!! Guess his plans to retire early kind of withered and died.
The not so fun news is (and I am not celebrating this by any means) is that his “soulmate” has been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s. She is too far into the disease to take medication to slow the progression. Apparently she and her daughter fight often and the ex has to referee the squabbles they have. He also is the father figure to the three grandkids ranging in age from 2-7.
While I knew their relationship was built on lies and the destruction of two families, I never thought it would be as bad as it has gotten.
I loved this man with my whole being for 31 years and now I pity him.
It is kind of a strange emotion to be dealing with, but I also know that this has come to fruition due to his actions
Now me. I am doing really well. Life has had its ups and downs for sure. After the divorce I took care of my elderly parents in their home for 10 years. My father passed and I was heartbroken! He was my rock! I had to put my mother in memory care where she still resides. I lost my sister to alcoholism and have been estranged from my other siblings due to my mother and father’s estate.
But my guy (who I’ve known for 45 years and started dating after my divorce) has been with me and had my back through it all! It certainly has been a blessing to finally be with someone who is honest, who is proud of me, who actually talks to me about any issue good or bad and wants to be with me through the good, bad and ugly!
All the best,
Ruggermom
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Dear Ruggermom,
Thanks for the incredible Gain-a-Life Tuesday update! Of course I remember you. The cheater who wanted to move into your basement after the divorce and so magnanimously offered to even pay you rent is one of the legendary Chump Nation stories. What a cake-eating dream for him that would’ve been for him. He wouldn’t have to hide Schmoopie anymore. He could have sleepovers right there in the cellar!
Thank God you’re free of him.
For the newbies, let’s review some of that first letter.
My husband of 28 years gave me the speech 5 years ago. He loved me, but was not in love with me, he wanted his freedom and he needed his space without any responsibility.
FW
No responsibility?
Nothing says responsibility like caregiving someone with dementia. Or being financially responsible for three generations of Schmoopie family.
He needs his space? I hope he enjoys 6 a.m. viewings of Paw Patrol. I’ve heard the under-seven set are really considerate roommates. So tidy, so quiet.
Wow. Your ex really hit the jackpot. So much freedom. So much winning. And so very much not your problem any more.
Don’t be surprised if he hoovers back again to see if your basement apartment is available. Let your much better boyfriend tell him it isn’t.
Happy Tuesday to all who celebrate!
WOA, that is CRAZY!!
It seems that, so often, those who work so hard to evade their responsibilities end up with an excess of responsibility and a dearth of freedoms.
During my crisis when I was Pick-Me dancing, I told Cheater “If you leave for Susan, you will end up being the old guy handing out Capri Suns at PeeWee soccer while me and your grown kids are enjoying their adulthoods with freedom and and opportunities”. He said “well maybe that is what I want!”. (His Schmoopie ended marrying the fiancé she was cheating on when she boinked my then-spouse on business trips. Im remarried and have been to Europe 20 times since Cheater died).
Thanks for the update. Your commentary was gracious and sensitive under the circumstances.
Isn’t it funny how often they seem to do that? They just run right into what they were so desperately trying to get away from. My ex talked about how lazy I was, he claimed I didn’t work (one of his supporters repeated that back to me and I said I was at amazon full time overnights for two years alone… remember? and she went oh… yeah, that’s right…) I actually did everything around the house, which included things like HIS laundry, made him 3 meals a day (I meal prepped for him when I wouldn’t be home to cook.) I ran all the errands, all the shopping, the renewing his car registration, etc. But I was lazy and brought in no money.
K.
So he left and rented a room in someone’s house for his freedom. Then his adult baby girlfriend lost her job and had to move in with him. So he got an apartment. And she didn’t work, and didn’t clean, and didn’t cook. I didn’t ask my son things about them but he volunteered once, “It’s disgusting in there. She doesn’t do anything at all!”
Every lie he said about me is what he actually got with her. She even gained weight and started looking much older and haggard (gee, I wonder why) which was one of his biggest complaints about me. I really tried to just not look but for awhile we had mutuals on social media and something would pop up and I would just be like wooooow, how crazy is that?! She’s becoming the lies about me! His life is becoming the lies about our life!
I used to joke that I wouldn’t mess with me because karma loves me. A girl who did me wrong in high school actually had boils erupt all over her face. That got me a reputation but I didn’t actually do anything to cause it, but I would joke that I wouldn’t mess with me. It was crazy to watch him get destroyed like that after hurting me. I couldn’t turn it off if I wanted to though, I don’t know how it works. LOL
Why are enablers so stupid? Why don’t these people ask questions or pay attention to objective reality in front of their faces? I don’t get it.
I can see the inevtable end…Schmoopie declines further, FW descends further into his now actual sexual basement, and eventually Shmoopie2 ascends ustairs to replace her Mom. That situationship lasts until the kids are grown or until a better man can be snagged, and then, having no more use for the old man, Schmoopie2 dumps him.
Exactly so. No way will FW stick around.
Ruggermom, you are amazing! All that and a good post-FW romantic relationship to boot.
FW relationships are always messy because they themselves are disordered in their thinking. They don’t pick well and then the fun they thought they had becomes a nightmare. Both my therapist and attorney commented on that as in, “Don’t worry about him. His future relationships won’t be any better. He doesn’t know how to do that.”
But life is truly good on the other side. I was out this morning with my dog (slightly foggy here), and somehow the quiet was just so lovely.
Waking and reading this with my coffee was a treat I chose to give myself. I have crappy fake insurance since the divorce 9 years ago, and tomorrow I have to go pay a lot of money for a medical procedure. It has been 10 years since I had my “proud” moment- I kicked him out for just being so emotionally abusive- but then I spent a year doing all the things the pick me dance, the wreckconcilation, lost was too much weight, thinking he would come to his senses. Then when I realized how badly he had been and was screwing me over, I fell apart. I’ve been good for nearly 4 years and found this space a year ago. What I appreciate about Ruggermom is that – one she is doing well, despite the life things that hurt (I am estranged from my sisters too) and – 2, it’s still on her mind and that’s ok. She was married for 31 years. I was married for 20 ,but he was my “dear friend” for 10 before that. So, it’s such a chunk of life- I share 2 kids, which can be very difficult, but mostly is ok to fine, one is his prize who spies on me for him, the other he belittles (triangulation)- that of course she still thinks on it. But she’s better. And so am I, despite hardships, and despite a lot of things. Because I had a “we don’t talk about him” rule with my sons since 9 years ago, and I smartly went no contact, and got rid of all Switzerland friends (but not my Switzerland son- I just know he’s a victim too, and love him despite the pain…) I know NOTHING about him. I gather some things- he is very rich- and he is married/with the woman who finally took him – there were a few who didn’t before her. She, too, is rich .When he got rich, he knew he could get a wealthier woman than me. He had spent all the money he could get out of me and my generous family long ago. But I have no karma. But what I do have is my health back, and my career is doing well again. This brings me to the post before this, about the woman who was suffering from the trauma early on, lost a job- and the first few years besides doing. every therapy you can do, I dated (that was a bad idea) or more like just kept clinging to bad men, and everyone said do this do that- so I started adjunction, I got certified as a yoga instructor, I traveled a lot- and I tried not to die from grief ( he sued me for divorce a week after my mother died, 4 years after my father). So. I did my best, and the past few years I am calmer, better, but come here for reassurance and comradery. What I would like to say to Ruggermom is this -Beware of Pity. It’s so great you can feel that, but do not act on it toward him if possible. Pity was what drew me in to the horrific marriage, and I’m sure many people will say the same. As tracy states over and over again- compassion and caring are great strengths, not weaknesses, but don’t give it to those who hurt you you, as they will hurt you from their death bed. Ok, now I’ll go back to my work, my good life, one my sons are both proud of after all the years of mess, and someday, maybe I’ll get some bad news about him, and if not, I am free and that is everything.
Wise words about not spending the pity on undeserving FW
Thanks for the update, Ruggermom. I, like you, would not wish Alzheimer’s on anybody, but otherwise, I love a good happy ending and a karma story.
Cheaters never seem to understand that relationships = work. They always, always, always mean work. You either take on your fair share of the work and responsibilities or you overwhelm your partner, erode the relationship, and they likely leave you eventually. OR, your partner falls into ill health and responsibilities find you whether you like it or not.
Don’t like the work that goes with relationships? Then live alone! You won’t have anyone to fall back on or take care of you if something goes wrong with your health, but that’s the trade-off.
Grats on gaining a life and I hope you keep rocking it.
Cheaters think relationships mean they siphon off everyone else around them while reciprocating nothing. Somehow, they think this is reasonable.
A relationship doesn’t guarantee that you’ll have someone to fall back on or take care of you. Ask me how I know.
Not exactly the same, but my ex continues to push for us to continue to live together by renovating our (not large!) house into 2 separate apartments, so that our kid can have “stability”. She is now trying to get our kid to push me for it as well!
I feel like I’m going crazy as they both now are trying to convince me this is some kind of wonderful idea when I am pretty sure it is one of the worst ideas I have heard in my entire life.
This is manipulation and not an uncommon one. Don’t fall for it
This is absolutely a terrible idea. I think you realize that, but on the off chance that you need some validation, I am happy to provide it. You are not crazy, this is a bad idea. (you’re welcome)
My FW moved out, and got a place very nearby so that he would be close to the kids. To be fair, that makes sense. If I were him, I wouldn’t have moved far ither. That wouldn’t be convenient with kids.
But having him nearby? Way too much familiarity. If he drove by my house with the kids, and my car wasn’t there, he’d call me and ask where I was. We were in a faux amicable “best co parents ever” stage…so him calling was not as wild as it sounds. BUT he was absolutely “worried” I was on a date. At 530pm on a Monday, the same time I always went grcery shopping, and yes, that’s where I was, grocery shopping. In the meantime, that was 2 years ago, I still haven’t started dating and he had been having an affair and we were sepaated. so what if I HAD been on a date? He dated WHILE we were married and didn’t tell me.
A friend of mine went through a divorce. No cheating, they just could not get along and fought a lot. They had a young child and were in a 2 family home, one half was empty so while they waited to sort out the divorce, the wife moved into the empty side. (Just temporary until they had time to figure stuff out…and it worked out, the kid had both parents nearby) She started going out a lot, got drunk and brought a guy home with her, and had very loud sex. Now, they were separated and my friend didn’t take issue with her dating. I imagine that didn’t feel great…but he didn’t find it unethical on her part. But having to listen to that right next door? That can’t have helped keep the divorce proceedings calm and amicable.
Healing takes space. Period.
Thanks for your kind words. I do know it’s a bad idea. For SO MANY reasons, some of which are entirely practical – we dont have the money for a renovation, we’d still have to move out during a renovation, it would be bad for the resale value of the house. And of course, the biggest reasons – we both need space from each other!!! I want to have my own life! But of course, I have some lingering self-esteem issues, and have trouble trusting my own gut still. I’m working on it.
How old is your kid? Does your ex work? I ask because I suspect she wants stability for herself and is manipulating your kid.
D-I-V-O-R-C-E means that you don’t have to deal with this person anymore. I guess she didn’t think about that — or about her “stability” — when she cheated.
Kid is 14, and yes my ex works full time as well.
In her words, she “wasn’t really thinking”. Lovely.
Remember, “No” is a complete sentence.
Oh, I know. I’ve been staying quite firm on this, this will absolutely NOT happen. I thought I had gotten through to her about this ages ago but then she brought it up again a few weeks ago!
The original post was before my time at CL but I was struck speechless when I just read it. MY now ex narc came up with a similar brilliant idea. He said that my home (not his, I bought it years before we met) probably had a lot of bad memories attached to it for me (cos of his cheating,etc) so how about if I went to live with a friend for a while and let HIM LIVE in the house and he’d do plumbing repairs and all that. Of course I said no, thank you, that wasn’t going to work for me. My therapist at the time thought he was actually insane.
THEN he said exactly these same words just like the poster:
…he wanted his freedom and he needed his space without any responsibility.
That always stuck in my head, that after decades together, he wanted a relationship with zero responsibilities (this after he cheated and lied and lived a double life). How he thought I’d ever agree is beyond me. I kept the email so I’d never forget what a POS he was/is.
Good for you. My FW stayed in our home (which was jointly owned) while I went to live with my mother. Far from taking care of the place, he let it fall into ruin. When we finally sold it a year later, I had to list it “as is” and barely broke even. I was absolutely appalled and embarrassed at the state of the home when I went to do the walk through with the agent to get a listing price. It looked like squatters had been living there. (And this was a man who constantly told me what a shitty housekeeper I was and how I was lazy and did nothing.)
I wouldn’t be surprised if, at some point, he throws them all out on the street. Although, depending on the laws of the state you live in, that can be easier said than done.
My EXFW told me once during the pick me dance period that if we divorced, that me and our disabled son could just live with him. I had said something about not having a decent place to live on limited income or something, which was what I was facing at the time as I had no job when he decided to discard me and betray me. This was his grand idea. I said, “What? Why would we do that?” He just kind of gave back a blank stare but then said, “Why not?” to which I quickly responded, “Because we would be divorced and that’s the whole point, is that we are not longer together.” He said, “that makes me sad.” I just sneered and said, “then maybe you shouldn’t have cheated on me and destroyed everything.” Dumb ass…who suggests such a thing? Sheesh.
In a word, cock-blocking (or tw*t blocking if done by a she-FW).
Sorry if I’m being redundant but it bears repeating: I think most FWs are like dogs with two or more bones who, even if they think they’ve chewed everything edible off the first, still try to bury it and growl over the burial site to prevent any other “dog” from getting it.
I swear that’s why FWs who float the idea of cohabitating after separation and divorce can never give clear explanations about why they prefer that arrangement. It’s because, otherwise, all those years of careful practice in the art of being eerie, weird and off-putting towards chumps’ friends and families would go to waste since the underlying motive for systematic isolation was always about reducing social connections through which chumps might find someone better or connections who would emotionally validate chumps and encourage them to leave for someone better.
I’m sure it’s partly projection since FWs typically only value their own non-fuckable social connections for what these can provide– typically money, power and pimping capacity and not necessarily in that order. As nihilists who don’t believe loyalty actually exists, they might naturally assume their chumps are similarly motivated. But I suspect another reason for it is that people who can never sexually commit also can never sexually let go. Short of turning former partners into a “spirit wives” as serial killer Edmund Kemper described his murder victims, it seems like a lot of FWs settle for a program of trying to helicopter around and blast all their victims’ contacts with creepy bad vibes until their victims’ friends and family eff off and go away or victims get so exhausted that they isolate themselves.
Anyway, it’s just deductive logic. If someone completely lacks the capacity for genuine intimacy, loyalty or love, the only remaining motive left to keep hanging around is territoriality. There’s also sock-washing and bottle-scrubbing but APs in pickme death-match mode typically have that covered.
I remember years ago I saw what we’d now call a Red pill T-Shirt that said something to the effect of “run from me all you want, you’re only going to die tired.”
Feels like it fits here.
Here is somebody that committed betrayal and then had the uncommon audacity to try to stay under the same roof. Our Mighty friend here told him to kick rocks(as Freedom is not as they say, Free, and also this idiot was probably going to start to find reasons to stop paying rent anyway. As I often repeat: impaired behavior does NOT occur in a vacuum.)
Could not be bothered to leave his marriage with anything resembling ethics, dignity, or tact.
BOUGHT A HOUSE for schmoopie.
Now deals DAILY with how much of a fuckhead he left something good for “because he needed his freedom.”
He ran from accountability.
And it looks like he gets to die tired.
Meantime, our Mighty friend here kept moving forward, handled her business, found love again, and by her own admission is by their own admission doing well-this despite life’s ups and downs.
I can only aspire to that sort of future.
Happy Tuesday to Those that Celebrate!
Thank you for your update, and congratulations on your much improved life! Fuckwits never prosper, barring incredible circumstances (usually with the help of money and power).
It’s been 15 years since my cheater swanned out the door for better pastures, but those better pastures never arrived and he is constantly beset by bad luck. He lost his home 5 years ago to a black mold infestation. Last year, he moved into a new place and in the first week a tornado dropped a tree through the roof. Wherever he goes, there he is.
Wherever he goes, there he is.
That was one of my favorite phrases after I told my STBX that I was never, ever going to reconcile with him.
He promised travel, a new house, and brand-new furniture. Being the family’s personal finance person, I wondered how that was going to be paid for. He was retired, and I had largely been a SAHM.
And, of course, wherever we landed, if we reconciled, I would be with him. And that was the problem…
How can we get rid of the word PITY? That means you have feelings for this basement dweller!!! Well yes we do because we have feelings!!! You go rock your world now! Let him fester in the quick sand he hauled in. Your X has chutzpah and to be honest, your cheater must have been truly bored!! I recall my X saying he Didn’t feel the love!! I hear my X may be retiring and headed to the Philippines to get a cheaper house and be near Wife tress family. He had a fear of flying and could not get on a plane. Now he’s headed across the ocean.
My only comment for your case and mine is ENJOY
I read yesterday that 82% of the men who move to the Philipines lose all their money within 24 months. Then the wife dumps them, wife’s family won’t have anything to do with them, and they are broke.That’s the thing about transactional relationships: karma is hell.
PL.
Since I am 100% No contact I would only hear if someone tells me…so I will keep all of us chumps informed if a leak occurs. What’s so interesting is that My Xs BIL picked a woman from Eastern Europe, moved her to the US. She fleeced him, left him and went back home. The BIL died 6 months later. My X KNOWS these things but I’m pretty sure he thinks he’s way smarter.
Wife-tress will have much competition in the Phillipines from desperate Filipinas eager to replace her. Throwing meat in front of rabid starving wolves.
ROFLMAO
What do the last letters mean? Most likely very appropriate!
So my X has been sneaking around so long that he can compete in any country!!!!
ROFLMAO is an acronym for “Rolling on the floor laughing my a** off”
Kudos to Ruggermom on her new, amazing, much deserved life!
May the years to come be full bliss and peace for her, and may her FWX suffer the full consequences of his shitty choices. Just love when karma hits that hard a POS.
My FWX too begged to stay in a room at the apartment I rented for me and my kids after she shat all over our life. The drama queen even said she would gladly sleep in the kitchen floor (I’m not kidding). Like Ruggermom wisely did, and thanks to what lucidity I managed to gather from CL and CN at the time, I declined. Fastforward 5 years, life is so, so much better for me and the kids (not for her, I’m told). Every now and then, she does make me wobble temporarily out of the sweet, sweet state of Meh, but I feel it’s coming to an end sooner than later. Very nice Tuesday update, good stuff.
Love this update Ruggermom! That cheater certainly got his just desserts. I wouldn’t wish dementia on my worst enemy, but assuming this is the OW, I wouldn’t care much about it if I was in your place.
My FW’s schmoopie was in the early stages of a progressive disease as well, and FW, empathically challenged and coldhearted though he is, a man who never took care of a sick person in his life nor would he ever, deluded himself that they could spend their lives together. Or maybe he figured he’d dump her when it got to the point of her needing care. Anyway, she had other ideas, because she had a chump she could rely on for that. I’d be very surprised if your ex sticks around to provide actual daily care for his “soulmate” when the disease is more advanced. When it gets to that point he’ll bail. He’s probably already shopping around for a replacement.
Anyway, Ruggermom, congrats on your fabulous FW free life and wonderful partner.
Wonderful update Ruggermom!
It’s always uplifting to hear a chump is living an authentic next chapter.
I’m guessing the other chump (her X) set up his own boundaries.
What’s a pity is where they land. A need for no responsibilities but him in the ass. I call it living the scream.
“Living the scream”…cracked me up! LOL
I wish I could say that karma ran over my FW FIL but after abandoning wife and child, he married and then divorced the AP without a backward glance. Married a much younger pick me type woman and seems to have a good life except of course strained relationship with my kids who know he is a lying NPD.
Sadly some women will do anything have a husband. However if she tires of fawning over the old man because he’s aging, my kids aren’t going to rush to help wipe his sh**ty ass. The pick me C u Next Tuesday can have him all to herself