Attempted Hoovering Fails

You don’t happen to have that 19th century book on West Virginia coal mining, do you? How about my fountain pen? My grill brush?

I don’t know. If you weren’t in such a hurry to boff strange, you might remember where you kept things. 

Hoovering. When the centrality is slipping and they need to make some shit up. Can’t let those kibble reserves run dry.

Today’s Friday idea came to me from another thread I read. Someone posted a ridiculous request from their ex. It was something like:

As you know, Wednesday is the 12th Day of Epiphany. And as such, we will be celebrating St. Ethelbert’s Day. Traditionally, St. Ethelbert rides into town in a goat cart and all the children pummel him with sticks. I will require the children stay with me on Wednesday through Saturday. Please ensure that their sticks are sharpened.

Is this your custodial time? Did you have plans? Have you never heard of this holiday?

Hello chaos my old friend.

I’m not sure if fuckwits do this consciously or unconsciously — but the result is the same for the chump. DIRECT YOUR ATTENTION AT MEeeEEEeee. KIBBLES!

Kibbles come in all flavors! Charm, rage, and self-pity. Booty calls. Threats. Sad sausage missives that they’ve lost their library books.

Today’s challenge is to share your best bizarre hoovering and how you deflected it. (A simple no should suffice.)

TGIF!

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Someone OnLine
Someone OnLine
2 years ago

Ex keeps telling me I can come by and get in his new hot tub. Unfortunately I have to wash my hair.

Chumpy Chumpersons
Chumpy Chumpersons
2 years ago
Reply to  Someone OnLine

Sparkledick soup

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
2 years ago
Reply to  Someone OnLine

Plus, you don’t want to get into water contaminated by whatever cootie queen was in there doing God knows what in there with him.

Blecch.

????

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
2 years ago

Yes, now that put it that way, Someone online’s ex sounds like the demonic character from tjat pulp novel “Perfume”– this time one who was soaking hoochies in his cauldron to get the ultimate office bimbo-scented fragrance but went too far and got “eau de Craigslist crack ho.” So he was seeking some essense of “faithful wife” to counter the stench.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago
Reply to  Someone OnLine

Yikes. That’s a hard no. WTF?

May your hair always need washing.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago

An email received several months ago: “Spinach, I haven’t been able to find my military medical records. Is there any chance that they ended up with your stuff?”

I responded with: “No. I left them for you.” I wish I had stopped at “No.”

Knowing him, I think this was his way of getting me to: 1. think about him, and 2. worry that he might be sick.

When married, he used to get me hopping when he needed something. The timing was always terrible. I’d be out with friends or at the symphony with my daughter and I’d get a call or text.

Him: “Where’s my social security card?”
Me: “Did you look under “S” in the file cabinet.” ????

The man could not be alone. And he couldn’t seem to stand my being with someone else, even our kids, so he sabotaged those times. He needed constant attention from me….until he didn’t when he secured another source (the AP). I’m SO happy not to have to deal with his neediness or hoovering attempts. #divorceperk #patheticman

Cam
Cam
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

This is painfully familiar. I’m sorry.

I dated a malignant narcissist in college. We dated “on and off” for years until I realized I wasn’t crazy, he was abusive. My experience with him made me reassess my religious beliefs, particularly the concept of evil. He was that awful.

Five years after I last spoke to him, he emailed me out of the blue demanding to know why I’d blocked him and all his enablers on social media. He claimed to be deeply worried about me, maybe I was having a breakdown? Apparently he’d traveled across the country to visit people and get intel on me because he was “so worried”, obviously something was wrong with me if I wasn’t responding. He begged me to please respond and let him know I was okay.

Keep in mind, he was married to someone else by then, and I hadn’t spoken to him or any of his enablers in years, but he was acting like we’d just had coffee the previous week.

He also mailed a package to my previous address containing earrings I’d forgotten at his place years earlier and a 10-page handwritten letter waxing poetic about our time together.

I never responded. He tried contacting me for a year any way he could – text, email, even LinkedIn. I blocked him on every new platform he tried and never responded. Eventually he gave up.

My worst hoover experience. He was unhinged and very, very dangerous.

Chris W
Chris W
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

“The man couldn’t be alone”. ???? I had this, too. It was exhausting.

He reminded me of classmates in high school, who at the end of class would tap me on the shoulder and say “walk with me to my next class so I’m not alone in the hall?” And I’d say to those people “math is 10 feet away, and there’s hundreds of people in the hall also changing class. I think you’ll be ok” ????

Nancy
Nancy
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

I.D.K. F.B.F.F. T.A. 2 (I don’t know, former best friend forever.Tata.)

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
2 years ago
Reply to  Nancy

love it!

ChumpToTheMax
ChumpToTheMax
2 years ago

The X was off his game in the end. He left a garage full of junk and was supposed to have cleaned it out, but instead came over every day and piddled in some drawers. As he slowly inched through mounds of tiny nuts and bolts, I had enough and dumped what was left on the street. I guess he thought hanging around would endear me to him, blah. One day I saw his house shoes on the hall floor and almost had a panic attack. I shut that down quick.

He hoovered me for twenty years, always promising it would get better. It only got worse. He had nothing left to promise after Dday #3. Guess he was conditioned to believe I would take him back no matter what. He was wrong.

Spedie
Spedie
2 years ago
Reply to  ChumpToTheMax

I felt the same after D-Day #3. That was on October 5, 2020. He started therapy (good therapist) on October 20, 2020 after I found 5/6 child porn disks in his collection (there is no excuse for that crap). Shortly thereafter, I was invited to therapy so that therapist could get my side of the issue at hand (incest, child porn, torture porn and rape porn are his favorites). I said in that meeting that there is a 100% chance of divorce if this behavior continues.

He made no progress in a year. Therapist told me so after therapist dropped him the 3rd time, for lying to the therapist. That husband hoovered for a year with SA meetings and a good therapist, eating cake in my house – I swear the guy doesn’t know how to adult at all.

He moved out 11/1/2021. I retained an attorney after encouragement in this blog. The divorce paper drafts are delivered to him, by me in person on 1/16/2022. I should be divorced end of February or March 2022.

He can try to fight me, not over assets (strong nuptial in place) but on the grounds I refused to go to therapy. I was willing to go, but only after his porn/lying/manipulation stopped – as per the recommendation by the therapist. Behavior never did stop. If he fights, I will pull the Police Report out (already have it) and tell him “I got this” and his Child Porn desires will be exposed further. We are in a no fault state so he will lose anyway. Checkmate.

I guess he never thought I would pull the trigger. Well, duh….I told him 16 months ago. I gave him a chance and he blew it. I guess his cheating, lying, porn damaged brain can’t wrap itself around the idea that one of his objects (women/me) doesn’t do what he wants, when he wants, and how he wants. He is going to learn the hard way that his fantasy will not work with me.

As soon as divorce is final, no contact is permanent. I am strict on contact now, very strict.

PS: I already have a wonderful vacuum that doesn’t lie, manipulate, and deceive.

Jay
Jay
2 years ago
Reply to  Spedie

Proud of you!

Signed: A dude.

Tall One
Tall One
2 years ago
Reply to  Spedie

congrats on your journey and steps into a new, better life.

Jade
Jade
2 years ago
Reply to  Spedie

Do you have children with this man? I am horrified. In my state, possession of child porn gets you convicted and on the sex offender registry.

Spedie
Spedie
2 years ago
Reply to  Jade

No kids. I reported him and cops were not interested. I considered going to FBI but he destroyed it all. It was hard copy. Cops blew it. And BTW for my critics: I reported him the following morning, after a night with no sleep, in person. I want him in prison.

Side Eye
Side Eye
2 years ago
Reply to  Spedie

I understand the part about not being able to make law enforcement do anything, but not the part about “I said in that meeting that there is a 100% chance of divorce if this behavior continues.”

If I found out one of my partners was looking at CP, the “100% chance of divorce” would be INSTANT and without qualifiers or chances at redemption, ever, completely independent of whether or not police/therapists were involved.

CP is 100% child sexual abuse and consuming it is UNFORGIVABLE under any circumstances- full stop.

THIS is what your critics are responding to – the fact you stayed and gave him a chance in therapy- not the fact you couldn’t make a corrupt/uninterested police department do anything about it.

Letgo
Letgo
2 years ago
Reply to  Spedie

Suggest you contact the FBI anyway. That will put him on their radar. I had an agent explain to me one time that they take every single phone call seriously.

Caroline
Caroline
2 years ago
Reply to  Spedie

You have done as much as you can do for now, and it’s a LOT to deal with for anyone. Give yourself time and kudos for bravery so far. It’s a ghastly, unimaginable situation you were thrust into and you have done everything in your power to get it resolved.

That has to be enough.

threetimesachump
threetimesachump
2 years ago
Reply to  Spedie

Wow, you both have major moral and legal problems here. Child porn is illegal. As in FBI and jail, not “another chance to stay married” and therapy. I really hope that you and your husband are not parents.

Skunkcabbage
Skunkcabbage
2 years ago
Reply to  Spedie

Good for you standing firm and strong!

I laid down very firm boundaries the year before I left. Told him he was to step up or I was going to go out. He LOL’d at me and ramped up his dismissive and abusive behavior.

When I actually walked he couldn’t believe it. A week before I physically moved out, I had been making plans, moving shit, etc. for several months by then, he comes to me with “I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that you are leaving for (town) and don’t want me to come”. This after over a year of him delaying, denying, refusing to acknowledge in anyway his sins, or try to support me. They really never believe that we will actually make them suffer consequences for their actions. We’re so mean!

Sugar Plum
Sugar Plum
2 years ago
Reply to  Skunkcabbage

Mine informed me he was leaving me. Unbeknownst to him, he was being served the next morning. He got up early, purposely got in my way while I was trying to get ready for work, and reminded me he was leaving me that day. I promptly went out to the garage and grabbed my giant suitcase and Army duffle bag. I then proceeded to help him pack so he would get out of my way. As I was starting to walk out the door to head to work, the process server arrived. The look of shock on his face that I was daring to divorce HIM, priceless. I them informed him not to worry about sending me the keys. The locksmith was coming at 2 and I was changing the alarm code remotely after the cameras showed me he was gone. I didn’t catch it on the cameras, but my neighbors husband witnessed him crying like a little bitch when he finished loading up his SUV and driving off. Unbelievable how THEY expect US to be the ones weak and crying. You know, somehow like they’re the prize or something.

Cam
Cam
2 years ago
Reply to  Sugar Plum

LOVE IT. Go you!

bread&roses
bread&roses
2 years ago
Reply to  Sugar Plum

This is incredible. You are my hero, Sugar Plum.

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
2 years ago
Reply to  Sugar Plum

Bravo! ???????? Excellent timing. Had he been threatening to leave and that prompted you to pull the trigger and file and have him served? That was impeccable timing. And after he was threatening you saying he was leaving and trying to be hurtful, how sweet he got smacked down at that very moment.

BetterThanAWhore
BetterThanAWhore
2 years ago
Reply to  Sugar Plum

Wow!!! Good for you.

FreeFromFW
FreeFromFW
2 years ago
Reply to  Skunkcabbage

Yes my FW did this to me too – saw me packing up my stuff and leaving and did nothing to stop me. Then a year after I was gone finally said “I didn’t actually think you would leave” – after his abuse, cheating, devaluing, etc ????

Nancy TYMENSKY
Nancy TYMENSKY
2 years ago
Reply to  Spedie

I’m sure that you know even being in possession of child P is a federal offense. I would not EVEN share a server with this man.
How did all those therapists excuse this?
Illegal activity is not part of therapy.

Geode
Geode
2 years ago
Reply to  Nancy TYMENSKY

“Sex Addiction” therapists, and I met 6 of them during the 11 months I tried to stay with Ex after discovering his secret sexual basement (and car and office), excuse just about every kind of perverted behavior, including having sex with the family dog. I’m not surprised the criminality of the child porn was never the driving issue with Spedie’s therapist. CSATs are the most dangerous branch of the RIC.

OHFFS
OHFFS
2 years ago
Reply to  Geode

He raped the dog?!!????????
Monster!
And yes, CSAT is snake oil, and the therapists are often perverts themselves.

ChumpetyChumpChump
ChumpetyChumpChump
2 years ago
Reply to  Nancy TYMENSKY

Ya. One calls the police for this, not a therapist.

Spedie
Spedie
2 years ago

I reported him to the police. In person. They did nothing.

Aurora Cruz
Aurora Cruz
2 years ago
Reply to  Spedie

I am not arguing, but I would have pursued it with the district attorney or even your local FBI. For your police not to do anything also needs to be investigated. I know you have a lot on your plate, but child porn harms children and that’s clearly illegal. Keep doing what you’re doing but also don’t forget that.

Letgo
Letgo
2 years ago
Reply to  Aurora Cruz

The FBI. I have worked with a lot of local police departments to know unless they are huge and well-funded they just don’t have the capacity to deal with this. That’s why the FBI is so good at it because they have the money, the training, the skills to set it up and wait for him to hang himself, not literally of course.

knittedrobin
knittedrobin
2 years ago
Reply to  ChumpToTheMax

Mine kept driving back from his new home with the schmoopie (800 miles away, so god knows what it cost in petrol) in order to spend entire days sorting through boxes of rusty old nuts and bolts in his old workshop. I wondered why he was so keen on doing this. He got progressively more angry and tearful and eventually stopped. I realise now that I was supposed to go in there and beg him to come back!

TheDude
TheDude
2 years ago

I get pictures daily of the kids when they were younger. I think this is strange, but in the framework of “Hey look at me”, it makes sense.

I ignore her or keep my answers short like “cute” or “aww”. Eventually, I need to ask her to stop, but whatever. I’ve already asked her to quit being my wife; my quota for boundary setting is fulfilled for a little bit.

Adelante
Adelante
2 years ago
Reply to  TheDude

Hoovering by children. Trying to suck you in by softening you up with appeals to a happier time in the marriage.

FreefromFW
FreefromFW
2 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

My ex does this – in our coparenting app – there is a spot where you can upload photos in album – I have put a couple of only our son. He uploads pictures with him and our son together as if to say “look at me!”

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

Bingo! Adelante nails it.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago
Reply to  TheDude

Hey Dude!

Can you simply stop responding?

I know you probably feel it’s required to comment on how cute the the kids are, but she’s just looking for a connection for herself. I suspect this has nothing to do with the kids.

My two cents.

UXworld
UXworld
2 years ago

A month after moving out (by court order), following a minor snow event in our town, she tried through OFW:

KK: “When you drop off (M the Younger)’s hat and mittens, would you be at all willing to drop me off at the garage, so I can pick up my car without having to walk in the street?”

UX: “No”

KK: “Thank you for your kind understanding. It will be remembered.”

For a few years after, every rebuff at her attempts at hoovering — and there were oh so many — was met with this passive-aggressive threat of “It will be remembered.” It never once occurred to her that I had no intention of ever asking her for any favor of any kind, outside of the occasional child coverage due to necessary work travel.

Involuntary Georgian
Involuntary Georgian
2 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

I’ve had many exchanges like this. Unreasonable request from XW. Reasonable, polite refusal from me. Anger and veiled threats of future reprisal from XW.

For a while I was kind of concerned XW would follow through and be less accommodating towards me out of revenge, but I eventually realized that she was never going to do anything for me without extracting a concession anyway, so I had nothing to lose. Basically, you can only lose someone’s goodwill if the person was capable of goodwill in the first place.

Just an FYI for you (since I think our XWs’ characters are pretty similar, but I’m a couple years ahead of you): as I have perfected my minimal contact strategies, XW and I have had demonstrably fewer and fewer acrimonious exchanges. We almost never speak, rarely text, and email only when necessary. To me, this is all good and in fact my hostility towards XW decreases every year. However, XW’s anger is noticeably increasing (as confirmed by the kids, who report more frequent nasty comments), and she has recently started violating parts of the custody agreement (things like not notifying me about kids’ travel plans – no practical impact but she is making a point), which she never used to do. So: be aware that what feels to you like an improvement in your relationship (fewer angry exchanges) will be paradoxically interpreted by her as a worsening.

UXworld
UXworld
2 years ago

No worries — (a) kiddos are now both over 18, so the issues that used to cause these outbursts are now almost non-existent; and (b) she’s got the Chlorine Special to catch her wrath now. Now if something were to happen to him…

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
2 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Uncle UXworld, can you please tell us the story about the family heirloom tables?

????

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
2 years ago

It took me 33 years and repeated attempts but I am now the self declared Queen of No Contact. My boundaries are so firm that LTC Fuckface was reduced to sending me a postcard to ask a stupid question. Was that a Hoover?

FreeFromFW
FreeFromFW
2 years ago

This is gold – congrats! I hope to get there once my little guy turns 18

DontFeelLikeDancin
DontFeelLikeDancin
2 years ago

Postcard ???? you win!

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
2 years ago

Well, all I have today is the tale of Traitor X’s failed attempt at self-pity and a grab for the Victim crown from yesterday with Dr. Kickass CoParent.

He “feels like he is being cut out” and is “angry about it”.

Uh, you LEFT, bro.

It’s worth the hourly rate to watch her put him back in the frying pan when he tries to get out.

(I attend co-parenting therapy to protect my daughter. Making decisions with her presiding over negotiations cuts the BS out of it, for which I am extremely grateful.).

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago

“It’s worth the hourly rate to watch her put him back in the frying pan when he tries to get out.”

Hahaha!! ???? ????

Oh to be a fly on the wall at these sessions!! Here’s to kickass therapists!!

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
2 years ago

Now that I think about it, I did get a phone call recently asking if I could locate a five-dollar bike tool on the workbench. That he left behind four years ago with everything else along with his wife and child.

Nope. Sorry, dude.

????

ChumpedForANewerModel
ChumpedForANewerModel
2 years ago

My FW tried to occupy my headspace:
Upon being served his papers, he called and asked “does this mean we are getting a divorce?” WTF
My nice answer was “talk to my attorney”. That is now my standard answer for anytime he tries to communicate. FW hates it but I will no engage in conversation. Pretty much everyone is told not to engage. At least my attorney tells his clients that should be the standard answer unless it is a child issue or emergency.
If he wants conversation that is for Schmoopie to handle. I am not feeding him kibble and I am through pick me dancing.I don’t have time for liars and cheaters.

LifeIsGood
LifeIsGood
2 years ago

Mine did the same thing with the divorce papers. When he got the final paperwork signed by the judge, he sent me a photo of it and said “I guess you were serious.”

Umm, yes. Yes I was. *insert eye roll here*

Sugar Plum
Sugar Plum
2 years ago
Reply to  LifeIsGood

These responses are priceless. I served Xhole LS first. Later, when he thought I didn’t know where he lived because he was avoiding the Divorce serving, the PI knocked on his door and served him in front of Shrek. Having told Shrek I wouldn’t let him go and I wouldn’t give him a divorce, she was happy as a lark and he had that dear in the headlights look. The PI/process server had to explain 3x that he was being divorced. Lol.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Sugar Plum

Ha Shrek, though in all honesty fws whore looked more like Princess Fiona, though both P Fiona and Shrek are from my memory decent sorts, so really an insult to them.

Schrodinger’s Chump
Schrodinger’s Chump
2 years ago
Reply to  LifeIsGood

What a dingleberry

FreeFromFW
FreeFromFW
2 years ago

Ooh this is a good one – I’m still caffeinating this AM.

*has asked me where his car registration title was (after I had moved out a year ago due to his assholery)
*invited me to go and eat with our son after baseball practice – I walked away (it was during his custodial time)
*asked me where I bought a Bible (bookstore – duh!)
*has left his personal items in our sons backpack when traveling between houses so I could reach out to him to make him aware
*has left cat food outside of my house for the strays – (OW has a cat and has since moved in with FW) after I refused a gift for our son that he expected me to gift wrap (as a favor)
*we work for the same company and he works in the technology department and I’ve put in requests for certain things or my name has come up on reports for updates and he will reach out in the coparenting app to “help” me
*has given me sad sausage tails that he feels he’s in inactive parent in his sons life (ya think? Sacrificed your son for strange ????????‍♀️)
*has signed my work email up to receive promotional emails from a Children’s clothing store (never had that occur until after our divorce was finalized)
*has purchased items from a clothing store in the town where I used to live and put my email down to receive the e-receipt
*signed me up for a men’s facial for a hair salon that I hadn’t been to since I was pregnant with our son that I didn’t even know he knew about with the first three letters of my name
*reached out to me with a fake account on IG
*has asked me if I have fed our son before his custodial time with him and when I respond ‘yes’ – starts on a dialogue with emojis like these “:/“ and what he wanted to cook for our son
*has told me it’s impossible to Coparent with me (baiting me to get into an argument because I don’t check the co parenting app every single day while son is with me and I respond direct, succinct and close ended way.)

Funny how they don’t like it done to them the way they treat us – like he said to me in the throes of his mindfuck and confusion – “I only tolerate you and will speak to you when I have something to say.” How do you like those ???????????? Fuckwit?! ????

EB
EB
2 years ago
Reply to  FreeFromFW

I wonder why he didn’t just grab a bible out of any of the illicit hotel rooms he was probably romping around in? Or was he just not thinking about Jesus at that time?

Chris W
Chris W
2 years ago
Reply to  EB

????

kathy
kathy
2 years ago
Reply to  FreeFromFW

yep, “car registration title”
between D-day 1 and 2, I had completely forgiven and was clueless to my husband’s double life of being a closet bisexual and fucking strangers he met on Adult Friend Finder.(so hard to believe I was so naive). Anyway, during that time, he was usually distracted, and passive-aggressive, but I was so conditioned to it, thought it was normal.. My best friend and I went on a 11 day hiking trip to Italy which FW completely supported.(of course, he did), but he actually called while I was in Florence, looking @ the statue of David to ask if I knew where his boat trailer registration was located…he always needed help with the most basic things but was somehow able to juggle 2 lives @ once!!!

Schrodinger’s Chump
Schrodinger’s Chump
2 years ago
Reply to  kathy

Omg, I was visiting my family while son stayed with FW when we were still married. We were walking into a restaurant when FW called. His grandmother was in the hospital, so I took the call thinking it might be important. Nope. He was calling me asking where the mailbox key was. We had lived in that house for like a year at that point, and apparently I was the only one checking the mailbox that whole time, and he had never bothered to even know where a key was that whole time. Dumbass

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago
Reply to  kathy

I could have written this paragraph, kathy. My experience exactly (except I only wish I’d gone on an 11-day hiking trip to Italy).

Which reminds me that my x hated when I left him, so I rarely took trips alone. Of course, he took frequent trips…for work.

During the affair, he didn’t mind at all that I took a 5-day trip with a few girlfriends. Of course he didn’t mind!! I still get a trauma reaction when I think of how what I thought was an example of his making progress (being able to be alone for once and not throwing a fit when I wanted to be with friends) was actually his fucking strange in our bed. I was so clueless. It gives me the shivers.

Adelante
Adelante
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

You weren’t “clueless” in the sense of “ought to have known better.” It’s just that not being secretive and duplicitous ourselves, we assumed they weren’t either.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

Yep. Good point.

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
2 years ago
Reply to  FreeFromFW

I have an identical experience with the feeding issue. He actually wanted it written into the settlement agreement that I was not to feed her dinner on his days with her.

Traitor X, who never, ever cooked for us, as a husband, as a father, is now the Galloping Gourmet whose child is deprived of his culinary genius because of selfish self-centered mean ugly horrible evil awful Velvet Hammer.

I ignore the settlement agreement. People in my world eat when they’re hungry, not according to MSA’s.

Damechump
Damechump
2 years ago

My ex walked out very suddenly, hired a moving van and took our bedroom set and most of his stuff, and my attorney intelligently drafted a settlement agreement that said everything he left in the house belonged to me. Because he left it, right? So months later he wants his Australian riding coat back (think Neo’s trench coat in the Matrix, it’s for horseback riding in bad weather) – I told him he could look in the local thrift store, because that’s where I took everything I didn’t want. He told me my not holding onto it (because I should have known he would want it later) was symbolic of my “not supporting his hobbies.” The “non support” he was referring to was my noticing that motorcycle riding is dangerous and from time to time begging him to be careful, also buying him very expensive safety equipment in the form of helmets and what they call armored leathers (there are flexible steel plates in the arms and legs for protection if you’re thrown off the bike). Mind you, when he was in a serious motorcycle accident a year later, his life was literally saved by the $800 state of the art helmet I gave him. I do mean literally, he suffered head trauma, and he would have been dead but for the excellence of his helmet. I remember thinking at the time, Wow, I would LOVE to be so “non-supported” by other people that they just save my life without meaning to. The whininess and arrogance of these people is astonishing. Fortunately, the saving grace of this is that the accident happened on our anniversary. Sometimes you really DO get hit by the karma bus, or in this case, the karma other motorcycle rider. 🙂

Anyway, hugs to everyone here, and happy weekend! So happy to be free of all that crap!

Involuntary Georgian
Involuntary Georgian
2 years ago
Reply to  Damechump

I remember those days! XW left some clothes in our walk-in closet (not sure why, as she had an entire moving truck when she vacated), and then – when I pointed this out – forbad me from touching them. After a couple months I grew tired of seeing them and realized that it’s my house … so I packed them in boxes and brought them out to her car one day when she picked up the kids.

She thanked me and took them home. Just kidding – she accepted them stone-faced and drove away. Just kidding – she started screaming at me that I had no right to touch her things and that she was going to contact her lawyer. The kids were in the car already and overheard her ranting and started to cry.

Sunrise
Sunrise
2 years ago

The creative way you relay her reaction made me smile IG. I was reminded of when I tried to give Douchecanoe his garage stuff back. I’d packed up his things from the house during the divorce and had boxes for him until I’d gone through the entire house. He grumbled a bit since he was living in a small condo at the time but took them. A few years later I finally got around to deep cleaning the garage and I found more of his things like high school mementos, a groomsman’s gift, a tablecloth his grandmother had embroidered, books from his apartment, miscellaneous tools he bought but I’ll never use and other things. Clearly his personal stuff. I packed all this into 4 brand new Rubbermaid totes and left them out front on a Wednesday. In those days my mom watched the kids after school and handled pickup since I was mid-commute. Apparently Douchecanoe threw a fit and refused to take his stuff. He yelled so loudly at mom that my neighbor heard and tried to intervene. When I got home my neighbor told me what had happened and commented that Douchecanoe should’ve taken his stuff if only for some new storage bins and to not upset my daughters who were waiting outside his locked car, mortified and in tears.

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
2 years ago
Reply to  Damechump

Maybe next time take the opportunity to remind him that you supported his hobby of fucking strangers?

Luziana
Luziana
2 years ago

Cold Slab O’ Meat took my children’s baby book photo albums with him when he left. Not even his kids! He tried to schedule appointments to bring them back. And to fill out dissolution paperwork TOGETHER.

OK, what time is good?

Great! I will leave the storage shed unlocked and you can place all the things on the workbench. Get your Christmas decorations too!

Miffed, he left empty Kroger bags in the shed as well with receipts showing he was living on Big K soda and Buddig Luncheon Meats.

Sorry fool. That Love Shack apartment you gotta have to impress the Sluterus sure eats up your salary in a way sponging off me didn’t!

Langele
Langele
2 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

“Cold Slab O’ Meat”

LOL

I laugh every time.

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
2 years ago
Reply to  Langele

????. Me too. And “Sluterus”. ????

Nowirecoathangars
Nowirecoathangars
2 years ago

We had a real problem with my husband’s ex wife. She left him for his best friend and just couldn’t stand it when he met and fell in love with me and we got married and had a child. She would always send him selfies of her doing the duckface and maybe half their kid’s face would be cut out of the picture and not even looking at the camera. It would be the ex wife going, “oh i am just sending you pics of the kids. I’m sure you want me front and center of the photo in full make up doing duckface.”

Someone OnLine
Someone OnLine
2 years ago

Oh gosh, ex will send me pictures of our kid as well. Only he is front and center and she is off to the side. I also know from talking with said child that she doesn’t like having her picture taken most of the time. Geesh.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago

Not sure this is an example of hoovering, but he gave his car mechanic MY phone number. So I got a call about the car needing a new hose or whatever.

I regret not telling the mechanic: “Do it all. Also, replace the brakes and tires. Take your time. I don’t need the car for a week.”

Geode
Geode
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Last month, Ex, a physician, provided my contact info to WebMD. So for a couple of weeks until I blocked them I was getting emails and phone calls asking when I’d like to discuss my interest in their services.

Ex hoovers every year around the holidays for 6 years and counting. Last year my nephew received a phone call from “the doctor” claiming someone kept calling him from that number and he was returning the call. The year before that my younger daughter received a Merry Xmas text and then a “whoops sorry wrong chat” as he had been instructed to never contact my minor children. Before that my son, who’d turned 18 in December, received a happy birthday email.

While we joke every year about who will be the lucky one, we’re reminded of how pathetic he really is. And it gives me another natural opportunity to remind my family that the disordered walk among us.

Divorced Wine Aunt
Divorced Wine Aunt
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

“Oh, and could you give it a new paint job? Barbie pink with blue polka dots would be nice.”

Giraffy
Giraffy
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Excellent!! Hoovering or not (but I suspect it is), it will teach him 😀

Kim
Kim
2 years ago

My phony, conflict avoidant passive aggressive ex used to send cards for everything because he was super concerned with image management. I have never cared that much about cards and he knew it, but I’d get then because I knew it was important to him.

After I found out about his ex gf being on the side our entire relationship and him acting like a complete douchebag about it because I wouldn’t rug sweep I filed for divorce. Once he realized I was going to divorce him the begging and pleading started but by then I saw him for what he was.

Even after the divorce was final he continued to send me texts and emails which I ignored.

So on my birthday about 4 months after the divorce he sends me a bday card. It’s a big, elaborate card with print about how I was unforgettable (phony, just like everything about him). Remember that he knows cards were never big for me bit HE liked them so nobody else mattered. When I ignored it I got an email that says something like this:

“Assuming it didn’t get lost in the mail I assume you got the card I sent. I was just wondering why you didn’t thank me? I thought it was a nice gesture given all that’s happened”.

Notice how he insinuated that HE was the victim? Why wasn’t he thanked? Poor baby was treated so badly and sent a phontly card and mean old me wouldn’t even thank him.

Fucker didn’t even include a gift card. I might have thanked him for that.

Maybe ????

NeverSawitComing
NeverSawitComing
2 years ago
Reply to  Kim

Manchild used to send my kids gift cards- they had a great time wandering around the stores (often lowes or Homedepot type) handing out the cards to random people in the store

TheDivineMissChump
TheDivineMissChump
2 years ago

2 days before Xmas, Cheating Bastard Ex sent me a link to an ESPN magazine article. I promptly deleted it without reading. It was the first time since I walked out in July that he has initiated any kind of contact with me at all. I blocked him on phone and text the day the divorce was finalized in August, but I doubt he knows it.
He was awfully good at pretending I didn’t exist for some 36 years, so hoovering was never gonna happen.

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
2 years ago

This will be me. I don’t see hoovering happening, thank goodness. He will quickly find some shiny object to play with.

TheDivineMissChump
TheDivineMissChump
2 years ago

Mine is still screwing around as if he were still married… 1

Giraffy
Giraffy
2 years ago

Love this question! It’s such an annoying habit of narcissists and much suffering could be avoided when understanding it. In my case there were many before I understood the dynamics and could resist.

Clasically:
“I went to the dentist in your neighbourhood …”
“I just wanted to see how you’re doing.” (He never cared about how I was doing.)

But especially social media: he would post something that related to our relationship. Social media has the advantage of ambiguity, which was much more of a convenience to him than writing me directly.

And then ultimately, when nothing else worked, he came with the big “finally I do think I want a baby with you” (which was the main issue in his mind for us breaking up), but when I resisted to that he got someone else pregnant instead. So not sure that finally counts as hoovering…

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
2 years ago
Reply to  Giraffy

Can you image how he’d treat that poor (imaginary) baby? Might as well name the baby Bargaining Chip. I guess to him, he couldn’t foresee that the baby would be a real person! Plus, that was cruel to you. Not nice!

Giraffy
Giraffy
2 years ago
Reply to  FreeWoman

“I guess to him, he couldn’t foresee that the baby would be a real person!” Yes that is what I thought too!

He already had two kids and actually seemed like a good dad to them, having full custody and everything, that’s why initially he didn’t want more. He was covert narc who seemed a nice guy at the beginning, so maybe I should be second-guessing his fathership too, (I don’t know what’s true anymore.) I am just perplexed by the rapidity of how he replaced me, and wondering who the hell must have been the woman that agreed to get pregnant from him without being in any stable relationship. But it’s no longer my problem…

Although I’ll never know what exactly happened in his mind, I’ll however forever remain baffled by the reasons some people decide to get children.

Thanks guys, for your replies. ((hug))

Side Eye
Side Eye
2 years ago
Reply to  Giraffy

I’m a little confused here, because it appears that 1. Has full custody of his two children 2. He Used His Words and told you he did not want more children 3. You DO want children 4. Knowing this man would not father children with you, you stayed with him 5. You think it’s his fault you don’t have biological children 6…having the chance to be a mom to his already existing kids apparently wasn’t enough for you?

Giraffy
Giraffy
2 years ago
Reply to  Side Eye

Wow that are a lot of assumptions! Only number 1 and 3 are true.

I left when it became clear we had different wishes for the future and when he was discarding me (which happened at the same time). Then the hoovering started. I was not with him anymore but did not succeed in finding a new relationship with another man.

Side Eye
Side Eye
2 years ago
Reply to  Giraffy

@Giraffy Thanks for clearing that up, because it was not what came across in how you’d originally written it.

Giraffy
Giraffy
2 years ago
Reply to  Side Eye

Dear Sometimes,

I’m sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I can only imagine what that must be like.

And why still 8 more years?

In any case, thank you for your wise words and it is really heart warming to see there are people looking after each other here!

Sometimes
Sometimes
2 years ago
Reply to  Side Eye

@chumpedlindyhopper —

Thanks for the final note … I wish I could come on here and do a video to describe the 16 years of “Bully-i-ness” I have had to put up with from my Un(Husband) and his AP/Wifetress now. Especially because I STILL have 8 years to go!!

TO ALL:

Every Human Being is a 4-Trillion DNA Combination. With ALL UNIQUE Perspectives.

Maturity and Growing in Life best definition: CAN & SHOULD

Just because I “CAN” go Anywhere online and voice my opinion or complaints…

Does not mean I “SHOULD” …

The language we use and word choices to convey a story, idea, and convictions say a lot about us.

My Conviction is I do not “Listen” to anyone who uses “Devaluing language” … Which was the Major Takeaway from how @Sideye responded to @Giraffy conveyance of her real-life and time experience.

I would never want to “Put-Down” anyone’s ideals, how they pursue relationships or motherhood. In 2021, I almost bled out from a miscarriage. I also know how difficult it can be to get pregnant.

GOOD LUCK TO EVERYONE IN PURSUING “HEALTH”

Giraffy
Giraffy
2 years ago
Reply to  Side Eye

@chumpedlindyhopper Thank you. I had the same impression.

chumpedlindyhopper
chumpedlindyhopper
2 years ago
Reply to  Side Eye

I read your entire thread of responses. I think you are projecting and taking a very defensive stance because of how society dismisses people who say that they are childfree by choice and desire to stay childfree. So you wanted to defend the legitimacy/veracity of FW’s statements of not wanting a baby. And you wanted to discuss of the accountability of @Giraffy who wants children, for staying in a marriage with someone who does not want children.

This is my optimistc interpretation of your words.

There are some truths in what you wrote, but they were overshadowed by the unkindness of your words. I am not eloquent enough but I am calling you out on your unnecessary aggression towards @giraffy and @sometimes.

My interpretation is that you were not being helpful towards either. You were just venting your own frustations out. While I get that and your frustrations are totally valid, every person who writes on this blog is a person struggling because of a traumatic event (infidelity, separation). As CL says, it’s not the pain olympics and let’s try to all support each other, instead of tearing each other apart.

Sometimes
Sometimes
2 years ago
Reply to  Giraffy

#Sometimes — “Be a B*tch Delores, Sometimes all a Woman has is to be a B*tch…”

@Giraffy — My (Un)Husband had gotten “fixed” before Divorcing Me… And got (Un)fixed (painful surgery) to have children with “The Barbie Doll”

1. Never TOO OLD to have children if you want! I am 40, and my Husband and I are ramping up because I just graduated from College.
2. Simply.Tanika on Instagram/YouTube is telling her story of Being a Single Mother By Choice.
3. You could adopt children or foster if you wanted. I have had sisters who fostered little people for a long time now.

@SideEye — 1. It is EVERY person’s right how and when they have a “Family” …
2. There are “LOTS OF THINGS YOU PUT UP WITH WHEN YOU “LOVE” SOMEONE…
3. In Life — As a WOMAN my “Wants” and “Needs” CHANGE!! Things I could tolerate because I was “COMMITTED” to my Marriage… You REACH a Point when You Can’t Anymore!!

This ENTIRE Blog is here to allow us to voice “things” that happened before, during, and after the infidelity, separation and divorce.

So please don’t make comments at 3:57 am in the morning when your brain isn’t working.

Side Eye
Side Eye
2 years ago
Reply to  Sometimes

So, separate comment for a separate issue.

I’ll be blunt- as a female bodied person whose never had any desire for children (but fully support people that do-if it makes you happy, it makes me happy) I’ve been on the receiving end of so much weirdness around simply stating “no thanks, not for me!” that I’ve had to purposely cultivate a humorous “lovable grouch, female version of Mr Wilson, neighbor of Dennis the Menace” aspect to my personality to get people to just STFU about it.
What people who DO want kids don’t seem to understand is that a very, VERY large proportion of people who do want children hold a deep and mostly unconscious belief that, given the right person or ideal circumstances or own biological babies, EVERYONE who says they don’t want kids would actually change their minds and want them just as much as they do…and it just doesn’t work that way. And most of the people who feel this way don’t realize it, don’t believe people who point it out, and really, REALLY don’t have any idea how even an unconsciously held bias like that can affect their words and actions and choices they make in their lives…and this is a situation where your unconscious bias is actively harming you.

Like staying with someone who is not 100% jump-up-and-down enthusiastically on board with you about having children right from the get-go. It’s not that we don’t *understand* that people get manipulated by abusers who play yes/no games; it’s that we realize that someone who plays the yes/no game, who is not 100%, enthusiastically all in on having kids from the get-go, is clearly and objectively unsuited to be a partner to you or anyone else who wants children, whether or not that person is a good partner in other respects, and that you are better breaking up (yes, even if you love them) so that you BOTH have the chance to find new partners with whole your Values and Goals are more closely aligned.

Because we are not vulnerable to that particular brand of hopium that makes people who want children hold on to that deep unconscious hope that an intractable partner will change, we can see more clearly than you that there is exactly zero value in remaining with an unsuitable partner that makes you unhappy, and exponentially so when that partner is not just unsuitable, but manipulative, abusive, etc on top of it.
I *KNOW* it’s incredibly hard and shatteringly painful to get up and walk away from an unsuitable partner that you are still deeply in love with/committed to, because I have made that choice and done it. It hurt a lot and it hurt for a LOOOONG time. But the games he was trying to play with my head were crazy-making, and to put it simply, I don’t have the spoons to tolerate them. I pulled away, went full no-contact, and as the next 20 years rolled by, it became obvious that by RUNNING, not walking away from an unsuitable, hurtful partner instead of suffering in the hopes that he’d change…I hadn’t just dodged a bullet, I’d dodged the emotional equivalent of a flight of intercontinental ballistic missiles. Being an a-hole was his choice, but whether or not to stay? That was all mine. If I’d put up with his sh!t for months or years, I certainly wouldn’t have been able to put the blame on him.

(NOTE: I realize that many people do NOT simply have the “choice to leave” an abusive relationship, but it doesn’t sound like these are situations where that applies)

Side Eye
Side Eye
2 years ago
Reply to  Sometimes

LOL, I’m a night person, so being awake at 3:57 am is my normal hours, but thanks for the roundabout way of saying that you think I’m stupid…sounds like you learned a thing or two from your manipulative ex, lol!

Ever consider that he got fixed/unfixed because he didn’t want to have children…with you, specifically? You said it yourself, peoples “Wants” and “Needs” change! Or is that only valid when it applies to YOUR wants & needs, around children, not his?

And sure, you can choose to “tolerate” or “put up with” whatever you want when you “love” someone, but if you can’t do so without holding onto blame, bitterness, and/or resentment over it, you are better off breaking up and finding someone with whine your wants & needs are compatible, or who compensates with so much wonderfulness in other areas of the relationship, that not getting The Big Thing You Really Want doesn’t leave you hurting.

And like, “wanting children” and “not wanting children” is such a MAJOR difference, with LIFE-CHANGING implications for the person who does not get what they want, and no possible way of compromising/meeting in the middle, that whoever you (general ‘you’) decide to make that HUGE sacrifice for, is going to have to be extra superlatively awesome, even more over the top amazing than someone you’d make lesser compromises for, or you ARE going to have bitterness, blame, and resentment.

In my book, “putting up” or “tolerating” something in a relationship is reserved for things that are inconsequential- irritating habits or insipid/boring/etc interests or no sense of personal style or other things that don’t actually affect the quality of the relationship, and I don’t actually understand why someone would put an abstract concept like “being committed to marriage” over the concrete reality that their marriage partner is an unrepentant a-hole who makes them deeply unhappy and will never give them what they most deeply desire.

When you CHOOSE to stay in this situation because you have CHOSEN to deny the reality of what is right before you, that is the literal definition of a “broken picker”, and it will continue to be “broken” until you CHOOSE to own the part you play in the situation.

When a nark lobs a cactus at you, you don’t have to sit in it. And doing so in the name of ‘love’ or ‘commitment’ or whatever you personally call your personal flavor of hopium, is what makes all y’all chumps into the first place.

Giraffy
Giraffy
2 years ago
Reply to  Sometimes

@Sometimes, thanks 🙂 It’s ok to get a critical eye from time to time too, but as you say this is place is a kind of a safe haven and when we comment on each other we cannot know where people are in their healing process. (And if you see a weird posting time, please note that I’m in Europe :))

Growing up with a difficult, narcisstic mother and a wonderful but enabling father I’ve never considered becoming a single mother. But this is personal and I respect women who choose otherwise. The whole idea of becoming a mother has actually always been frightning to me: I had experienced so much anger towards my mother that the idea of taking that role was terrifying. Yet, with the right partner, I would have been super happy to help a little creature grow.

So when I met fw, I admired him for the kindness he showed towards his sons. The whole idea of being a mother suddenly became accessible and I discovered I actually loved the family life. Not seeing his children any longer was one of the hardest things of leaving fw – by the end my relationship with them was much better than with fw.

At the beginning of our relationship fw actually played with the idea of getting a child together. The mother of his children had resettled and got a new baby, and as he seemed not very creative in his life goals, I think he saw that as a mark of success in his post-divorce life. For me that happened way too early in the relationship (which I could now see as a red flag), but at that time he hadn’t done anything bad yet. Then later he changed his mind overnight and I seemed to mostly serve as sex supply. He started flirting elsewhere and I quit.

Anyway, to come back to the topic: like for bread&roses, the baby thing became a negotiation point to play with. Somewhere I read that narcissists intuitively know their way to your weakest point and this was mine. So he would come hoovering me, desiring me in all ways except in a sincere one. If he would have been a person of integrity, he would have considered my boundaries, leave me alone and stick with ow. Now it’s easy to see the hoovering for what it is, but after so many times I started doubting about whether I’d been too harsh. And then, one time I gave in, leading to a heap of drama.

Sorry, this is my rant, but like for bread&roses this has been my struggle.

Bread&roses, deep thanks for your message. I wish we could meet in another way somewhere, I always relate to your posts. And now we seem to be in quite similar situations, too. Take good care, sending lots of hugs.

bread&roses
bread&roses
2 years ago
Reply to  Sometimes

Sorry, Sometimes. My comment wasn’t an appropriate response to you/your comment. It was a rant about something that I struggle with. I know you were just sharing words of encouragement and sticking up for Giraffy in response to the nasty and ignorant comment from Side Eye.

bread&roses
bread&roses
2 years ago
Reply to  Sometimes

Sometimes: I offer sincere congratulations and am always happy to read about chumps’ accomplishments and healthy new relationships; these inspiring stories of GAL are what keep me going. However, in light of the topic of childbearing, I have to point out that having a husband at 40 is very different from finding oneself recently chumped and alone in a pandemic at 40. I know because I am in this position. At age 39, I left a fifteen-year abusive relationship with a serial cheater and moved away from my friends, job and home to start over in a new community. I have met many wonderful people and am making the most of what the area has to offer, but I have not met any men that I am genuinely interested in. I am lonely, but I am not willing to sacrifice my expectations and autonomy or to go against my gut just so that I can have a partner. Even if I do meet someone, I will need to take it slow. I was a real chump, and I have work to do. Years of abuse and the trauma of discovery, wreckonciliation and the dramatic and drawn-out end also did a number on me. I will not rush into cohabitation and long term commitment, and I definitely will not rush having a child (which I would, realistically speaking, need to). Dating with these goals in mind seems like a recipe for rose colored glasses, confirmation bias and spackling – in other words, disaster.

I know that words of encouragement/advice to childless chumps are usually well-intentioned and supportive, but my PSA to Chump Nation:

We all know it’s possible to adopt, freeze eggs, become a single parent, meet Mr. Right and become a mother at 45, be a doting and involved step parent or auntie, volunteer or work with children, etc. This isn’t news and I guarantee that any chump who wants children has agonized over all of these possibilities, probably for years. I have, and I am in fact a doting auntie who works with children as a career. At the end of my relationship with the manipulative cheater (but before dday), worn down by games and hollow promises, I had even accepted that I wouldn’t have kids and determined to embrace that path with gratitude, without resentment. I learned to shove down feelings of grief in order to stay motivated and positive. (On the bright side, at least I wasn’t starving in a war-torn country, as my ex once pointed out when I attempted to talk about my desire to have children.)

I am surprised and sometimes triggered by the assumptions people make, even on this blog. I don’t want pity, but validation of the reality and room to grieve would be helpful. Let’s be honest, kids probably aren’t in the cards for many of us. Finding companionship is not guaranteed and requires vulnerablity – something I’m not yet ready for, and may never be. It’s not easy to let go of what you most desire, and a major and unplanned midlife transition that leaves you where you were at twenty is hard, no matter how mighty, resilient, independent and motivated you are. I’m trying to gain a life but I have no idea who I am or what I want anymore. Don’t all chumps face some version of this? I’m not going to be gaslighted into saying everything will be fine or that I don’t want or care about what I genuinely do care about, just because I can never have it. It takes time to let go of dreams and to kindle enough hope and creativity to fully embrace and commit to new ones.

I know that there are many ways to find meaning and fulfillment and connection without having kids, or even a partner. Many people choose not to have children, and I respect that. I just don’t appreciate being judged or questioned for wanting them myself – or for not wanting it enough to become a poor, single mom at 40. (I’m having a hard enough time getting myself theough every day, alone.) It’s a deep desire, something I’ve known forever – not a whim. Yet, I wasn’t and still am not willing to jump into motherhood, regardless of the cost or my personal circumstances. I was in a financially abusive relationship, and I took a massive financial hit when I left. This is daunting when paired with the economic landscape and housing market of the pandemic, and it is going to take me years to be where I want – best case scenario. I have a good education and job and work overtime and I have no debt and make enough to pay my bills, but saving is slow. Having a kid solo right now would place me under unimaginable financial and emotional strain.

Winning the lottery would solve my financial woes. It could happen, right? Snark aside, future faking is a very real part of abuse, and it manifests in a variety of ways. Kids were a major bargaining chip in my abusive relationship; to say that my ex sent mixed messages would be an understatement. I would never write to someone lamenting the challenges of having children with an abusive cheater. I would never comment, “That’s what you get for choosing to have babies with a fuckwit.” Or, “Don’t complain. At least you have kids. Look on the bright side, they’ll turn eighteen and then all your problems will disappear. Or maybe the cheater will die soon.” It would be insensitive and ignorant, and even as an outsider, I understand that the dynamic of parenting with fuckwits is hell, no matter how much a chump loves their children. My heart breaks for the chumps and children who have to deal with this.

We all have different backgrounds and our circumstances vary widely, but all chumps were trapped in similar abusive cycles. I wish people could understand that those of us who wanted kids aren’t to blame for finding ourselves childless; rather, we were coerced and manipulated by disordered cheaters. I was a chump but I didn’t deserve to be abused and I didn’t deserve to lose almost everything I cared about and invested in. I did not “ask for” being childless, and I did not agree to everything that happened to me.

ImmaChumpToo
ImmaChumpToo
2 years ago
Reply to  FreeWoman

Right? This reminds me about my XH not letting me have more than one child (he had 2 from first marriage). I had friends tell me that I was in control of that. But my theory was tricking a man into having a child he doesn’t want would be absolutely counter-productive. Such as a Bargaining Chip baby. When I reached the 38 years of age mark, he then started saying he never said he didn’t want more kids. Gaslighting!!! Mindfuck!!! At 38, that ship had sailed for me! And then the final dday and discard at 40, when I’m now too old to remarry and have any more children. That bastard. Stole my youth AND my chances at having more children. Should have left at the first dday when I was 34.

Giraffy
Giraffy
2 years ago
Reply to  ImmaChumpToo

Yes similar story here: came with the baby hoover when I was 37 and just before Covid started. Then went into lockdown with OW and got the baby. Well you know how chances are to meet people since the pandemic.

Although we might not get any children, I don’t think we should give up on love though, ImmaChumpToo. We can still marry if we want. It just may not be the whole picture we had in mind, but it could still be a happy place.

ImmaChumpToo
ImmaChumpToo
2 years ago
Reply to  Giraffy

I’m sorry, Giraffy. Going through that during lockdown had to be 100x harder. If my XH has another baby in the future, my fist may meet his face. He’ll be 50 this year, but that is apparently not a hurdle for men.

I’m definitely not giving up on remarrying, but I wouldn’t have a child without being married. So there’s just not enough time on my lady clock to meet someone, marry them, and then have a baby before time runs out. Now, if I had had someone waiting in the wings, I may have had a head start, but alas, I was a faithful wife and therefore have ZERO prospects. So the pressure is on my one son to crank out a bunch of grandbabies for me! 😉

Giraffy
Giraffy
2 years ago
Reply to  ImmaChumpToo

But you do have one son 🙂 Who will need to figure out what he wants in life and how healthy relationships work…

In general I think we should learn to detach of classic ideas of what gives us happiness. But I do believe having children can be an enriching experience.

As for me, I’m 39 now so who knows a miracle might still happen. But I’m afraid the time I need to be able to trust someone again outpasses my biological limits. ????

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
2 years ago
Reply to  Giraffy

You sound very grounded, Giraffy, and I agree with what you wrote!
Happy lives comes in many shapes.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago
Reply to  Giraffy

“finally I do think I want a baby with you”

Wow

Stay strong, Giraffy! And, yes, that’s hoovering. Yikes.

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
2 years ago

I really do need to start answering his phone calls with, “I’m sorry; who is this?”

????

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago

????

Emma C
Emma C
2 years ago

Is it hoovering-by-Munchausen if the requests come from the new wife?

“Timothy would love to have photos of his children when they were younger”
I gave him a shoebox of half the family photos 10 years ago

“Could you send the details of the next performance?”
Details are on the school website

UXworld
UXworld
2 years ago
Reply to  Emma C

New entry in the Urban Dictionary:

Scumgrousing-by-proxy

Sentiments expressed or actions taken by an assigned representative, for the sole purpose of focusing sympathetic attention on a cowardly fuckwit

UXworld
UXworld
2 years ago
Reply to  Emma C

New entry in the Urban Dictionary

Scumgrousing-by-proxy

Actions performed or sentiments expressed by an assigned representative, for the purpose(s) of focusing attention on a fuckwit

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
2 years ago
Reply to  Emma C

I don’t respond to spokespeople in any circumstances. Grownups need to speak for themselves.

#codependentrecovery
#boundaries.

Navigator
Navigator
2 years ago
Reply to  Emma C

May or may not be a clever hoover on his part. Make the ex-wife jealous by sending the OW into battle?? However, she’s asserting herself to you… how central & important she is & that you are to answer to her, not the FW father! Gray rock the beotch! Get that parenting app & use that so you aren’t finding yourself kowtowing to her.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago
Reply to  Emma C

hoovering-by-Munchausen. haha

She sucks!

Giraffy
Giraffy
2 years ago
Reply to  Emma C

Hoovering-by-Munchausen sounds like flying monkeys to me! (although I love the term “hoovering-by-Munchausen” even better :))

Kathy
Kathy
2 years ago

I booted my fiancee after I caught him having sex with a mutual friend while I was at my wedding shower.
A couple of months later, he called and wanted to if he was going to be to invited my family’s annual July 4th cookout because he thought “it would be good to see everyone.” Nope. He wasn’t invited. When I told my mom about his call, she threatened to call the cops if he came anywhere near our front door.

Side Eye
Side Eye
2 years ago
Reply to  Kathy

Wow! That is one heckuva mix of obliviousness and entitlement!

Sunrise
Sunrise
2 years ago
Reply to  Kathy

Their disconnect from reality is astounding. Similar to your experience, we were 2 months into divorce proceedings and Ex thought he would “support the family” by going to MY grandmother’s funeral services. After all, he’d always liked Grandma and her beach house. I told him my cousins, 4 guys twice his size, would take care of him if he showed up.

Giraffy
Giraffy
2 years ago
Reply to  Kathy

!!! I have no words…

mavis
mavis
2 years ago
Reply to  Giraffy

My father passed away in 2018 – four years after separation and months before the divorce was finalized. Fucktard asked out daughter where the funeral was going to be held and if he could attend.

mavis
mavis
2 years ago
Reply to  mavis

*our daughter

Kara
Kara
2 years ago

First cheater tried:

1) Telling me his parents had new puppies and I should come see them. (I said Im not going to your parents house.)

2) He remembered I like buffalo wings so we should get some together. (My new boyfriend at the time asked if he was invited too.)

3) He’s going to join the military! (I said go ahead.)

The real kicker on number 3 was when I said go ahead, he completely deflated and said “Wow, you really don’t care about me anymore do you?” I replied “You always wanted to do that anyway when we were together so what?”

Then he confessed he never wanted to join for real, he just always said that to get me worried about him going away. He tried a few more times and when I stopped answering him (no contact) he got really mad and started telling all my friends I was obsessed with him and wanted to ruin his life. Nobody believed him.

Hoover faaaaail.

Side Eye
Side Eye
2 years ago
Reply to  Kara

I dated someone when I was 19/20 that my dad later told me he thought was a sociopath, that. after we broke up & I threw him out. called us up at the crack of ass one morning sobbing that if I didn’t get back together with him, he was going to unalive himself.

I told him “go ahead”, hung up the phone, and went back to bed.

My mother, an objectively better person than me, called Local Police to do a welfare check at the dump motel he was living in.

They reported that he was alive, whole, and well- they’d found him drunk off his ass in a filthy room carpeted with wall to wall empty pizza boxes, beer cans, & liquor bottles, and was on the whole pretty irate that his little sulk had been disturbed by a bunch of nosy cops on behalf of my kind, tender hearted mother (I honestly wouldn’t have cared.)

Never heard from that one again.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
2 years ago
Reply to  Kara

You are correct, I don’t care about you anymore, Einstein!

I_survived
I_survived
2 years ago
Reply to  Kara

“he never wanted to join for real, he just always said that to get me worried”

What. A. Loser.

Kara
Kara
2 years ago
Reply to  I_survived

Yep he was a giant bum. I believe what he did is called “crazy making.” Making a huge decision that will heavily impact the relationship without talking to your partner, just to get a reaction out of them. Cheaters, abusers, and narcissists do this all the time. They don’t intend to actually follow through, it’s just to cause chaos.

Things like considering a job in another country, buying a new car when you don’t need one, or joining the military.

NewChump
NewChump
2 years ago
Reply to  Kara

Kara mine isn’t hoovering, but My ex announced out of the blue one day he wanted to be a priest. When I stated flatly I didn’t want to be married to a priest he was so shocked. He actually got angry and whined that we married too soon after his conversion and I should have given him more time to discern his vocation.

Being a chump, I actually felt guilty.

You know I read that back and – *facepalm*.

ImmaChumpToo
ImmaChumpToo
2 years ago
Reply to  Kara

This is so true! Like moving to a house clear on the other side of town! XH picks our son up at my house every morning to drive him to school. He’s been telling everybody he’s looking for houses to buy an hour away from my house and son’s school. Which sent me into a panic about how son was going to get to school since I would not rely on his dad getting up at 5:00 a.m. to drive an hour to come get son for school every day. Turns out (so far anyways) he is NOT buying a house at all, anywhere. He’s staying right down the street with his parents. It’s all to get me in a panic…. Loss of centrality. A little offer to pick-me dance maybe? Definitely crazy making. No intention of following through.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago

During the divorce process and only months after D-day, I decided that I should block him from being able to text me. It was too immediate. I told him to email me instead. “Oh, and keep it to business matters only.” Plus email is easier to document in court.

He threw a fit. Emailed me 8 times in 10 minutes.

What don’t these cheaters get? I mean, they discard us and then get upset when we actually leave. “I hate you; don’t leave me.” Wanting cake. Unable to accept consequences. Entitled.

It feels SO good to shut off the spousal spigot.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Yep. That is what the “I hope we can be friends” is all about. They don’t want us as a partner or a lover, but they want us to want them, and pine for them.

Adelante
Adelante
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

“the spousal spigot”

Great term!

Schrodinger’s Chump
Schrodinger’s Chump
2 years ago

My ex loves sending me multi-paragraph word salads that are ostensibly about our child, but are really just a bunch of nonsense. I remember feeling totally flummoxed the first time I got one, and I spent a stupid amount of time coming up with a “reasonable” response (even though “WTF” would have been a perfectly reasonable response). Fortunately, both my lawyer and therapist assured me that I don’t have to respond to that crap.

The dumbest attempt at hoovering was just a few months ago. Ex and I have been divorced for over 4 years now, and he moved out 6 months prior to the divorce being finalized. Ex took very little from our 4 bedroom house, even though I was practically begging him to take one of our 2 full living room sets (we had a living room and a den). He left his childhood bed and his family’s grandfather clock (fortunately his aunt and uncle came to collect the clock, it I still have that damn bed). He wanted all new leather furniture for his bachelor pad. Anyway, ex contacts me saying he wanted to collect his Dremel tool and socket wrench set, “if I still have them”. I didn’t respond to the message, but the next time he came to pick up our son, my husband, who is apparently fairly intimidating, went out to ex’s car and beckoned him to come to the garage. Husband put a box in ex’s hands with the stuff he asked for, plus some other stuff he left that we were never going to use—like a bocce ball set ex purchased but we never used even once. Husband asks ex if there’s anything else and ex goes, “uh for now….” Husband says, “Nope. This is it. This is your last chance to get items from the house. There is nothing here that is yours.” I think ex had expected that I would gather the items and hand them to him, or our son would be the mule. I doubt he expected that my husband would take care of it and deal with him, so the hoovering attempt failed. I got a long screed from ex a few days later, so I know his failed attempt upset him.

I actually really enjoy simply not responding to hoovering attempts. Our parenting software shows when messages are read, so he knows I read some things but don’t answer.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
2 years ago

???????? Your husband did great!

Schrodinger’s Chump
Schrodinger’s Chump
2 years ago
Reply to  FreeWoman

He sure did!

I_survived
I_survived
2 years ago

About a year after abruptly discarding me a former friend sent me an email proposing a get together and saying he didn’t even remember what we talked about last. I replied I did remember. I never heard from him again.

Navigator
Navigator
2 years ago

My ex FW thinks that by just suddenly appearing in front of me & then running away or driving off will make me want him so bad that I will chase him lol. He must be utterly dumbfounded and confounded that I haven’t gone screaming after him whilst tearing away my bodice to entice him! I believe he needs the triangulation kibbles because he’s probably reached the boredom stage and oh-what-the-fuck-did-I-get-myself-into? stage with the nutty, drama queen. The thought of him realizing that his little head was making big decisions for him gives ME kibbles hahaha

Nancy T
Nancy T
2 years ago

I guess I’m the lucky one. I only received contact a few short time. Shot down.
I guess he forgets he tried to rip me off the entire divorce.

Our adult daughters do not speak with him. I always thought he would contact me to “fix” this situation, well, because I always had done it before. Nope.

I guess him being local and not being invited to either daughter’s wedding finally sunk through his his thick head. So, on this one, I guessed wrong. > except he did send a wedding card to my house…< But I'll happily claim that.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago

I think the only attempt at kibbles I got was when he dropped by while I was weeding my daisy garden. He got out of his police car in full uniform and squatted down and said, that guy you went out with is too old for you. I said “what do you care” he said, and I laugh when I type this “I just don’t want you to get hurt” I said, “what do you want?” He said, I just thought you might like to go see my apartment. I said “I have no interest in that”. Then I got up and walked away.

Asshole hadn’t shown me any concern, I hadn’t even seen him in months; and just by chance he was worried about me. He tried three more times that I remember to get me to “try again” Not one of those times did he ever drop the whore.

He just wanted to destabilize my life, and possibly get me to compete for him again. Yeah, no.

It took me the second time of letting him shit on me, but I did learn.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

“I just thought you might like to go see my apartment.”
????
Off the charts cluelessness and entitlement.

You got rid of the biggest weed of all, Susie Lee. ????????

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Right? Like I was too stupid to get what me seeing his apartment was about. No, it wasn’t about winning me back, it was about creating doubt in my mind and letting new guy know he got me in his apartment.

I honestly don’t think he ever really matured beyond high school socially. I can’t believe it took me 20 years to notice, but then I was pretty busy raising his son and helping him in his career.

Yes got rid of a big old stink weed. I do miss my daisy garden. It was huge Alaskan Daisey’s and they won’t grow properly where I live now.

WeAreTheChumpions
WeAreTheChumpions
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Some cops are quite adept at entrapment. More insulting is that he thought you would fall for it.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago

Yep, I think one of the positives about getting worked over by a fw is how clearly we see them once they out themselves.

I just don’t see how one can go back after the curtain falls. I just don’t. I get that it can take a bit for the curtain to fully fall, but once it does…

WeAreTheChumpions
WeAreTheChumpions
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

You should have told him: “And that woman you went out with is the town whore, but unlike you, I won’t suggest anything, like maybe stop seeing her, because she’s perfect for you. Excuse me for finding someone grown up and mature to spend my time with.” What a patronizing ass.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago

Yep, he absolutely was that.

What I wish I had said was: You are the last person to be giving me advice on life choices. But, I didn’t have CL or the internet then; I mostly just stared at him when he said stupid stuff.

I did get a couple zingers in, but not many.

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

He’s a little too late with the “protect and serve”. And very unclear that it
begins at home. ☹️

Brit
Brit
2 years ago

Not sure if this is considered hoovering. Not sure what you would call it.

I received a Court order asking me to return cheater’s meat thermometer and an old Aerosmith CD of his from the 80’s.

My attorney called laughing asking if I knew where they were. At the time I didn’t but after some searching I eventually found the meat thermometer and beat up Aerosmith CD in the garage…

damnitfeelsbadtobeachumpster
damnitfeelsbadtobeachumpster
2 years ago
Reply to  Brit

aerosmith. you don’t want to miss a thing–

UXworld
UXworld
2 years ago
Reply to  Brit

#IDontWantToMissAThing

Your response should have been: “Dream On”

BetterThanAWhore
BetterThanAWhore
2 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Lol

TooManyTears
TooManyTears
2 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Another good one from UXworld!

Chumpasaurus45
Chumpasaurus45
2 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

I just laughed out loud to your response UXworld! Good stuff, lol!

WeAreTheChumpions
WeAreTheChumpions
2 years ago

Nope. Both fws were covert narcs, one especially afraid of his own shadow. Both seemed to fear me, as once I’ve had it with someone I don’t back down when attempts are made to reconcile (or for attention) and am blunt and say exactly what I think, to the point of cruelty. Fuck around and find out. One did come around when his marriage started falling apart (suprise) and apparently he remembered the good times and thought surely my attitude toward him would have softened over the years (literally decades). Nope. He “found out,” so to speak, and then was furious when his wife came across what I had to say to him and read it.

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
2 years ago

7 years after Dday – 5 years after divorce. I still occasionally receive waves of hoovering. Months will go by and then random texts late at night: “how are you?” I’m fairly sure OW is laying next to him when he does this… ewww. . . She deserves what she got, but his behavior just proves he hasn’t changed, isn’t committed to her or anyone, and I’m way better off without him.

Latest Hoover was him choosing to book a vacation (with OW) literally next door to the resort my fiancé and I and four of our adult kids were staying at in a locale with thousands of options— definitely not a coincidence—my youngest apparently told him where we were staying. Weirdly, when he arrived he spent most of the day and evening partying with some old acquaintance who lives there and didn’t reach out to our child until 11 pm – we were leaving the next day. Thankfully he didn’t reach out to me — but the idea of him (and OW) possibly lurking around the beach and pool to get a look at us was disturbing. What losers!

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago

That’s creepy!!

Adelante
Adelante
2 years ago

My ex’s preferred mode of soliciting the kibbles of attention from me while we were married was the sad sausage (often the noble sad sausage). (I was a sucker for it.) He tried that out a couple of times after I had moved out and we were in the process of divorcing, along with the self-serving “When we’re over the worst of this I hope we can be friends,” but by then I had internalized the mantras of “I’m no longer the person you go to for sympathy,” and “I’m not friends with someone who could do to me what you did,” and didn’t respond. We divorced, and I went as no contact as I could (we shared some expenses relating to our son).

Fast forward to about a year after the divorce, when out of the blue one day he emails to say he has a framed historical photograph of a town where I had once lived and wonders if I would like it; he claimed he had purchased it to give to me for a Christmas present while we were married but had forgotten about it at Christmas. I figured he was finally getting around to cleaning out the house, and as he had never lived in that town didn’t want it, so I said Yes, I’ll take it.

How surprised he was when he knocked at my door with the photograph, and I took it from him but didn’t invite him in. He then expressed his disappointment at my failure to respond to his hoovering, heaving a sigh as he raised his shoulders and spread his hands in a gesture I think meant “You mean this is how you respond to my generosity and overture of friendship?” (I later gave the photograph to my niece, who lives near the town.)

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

“You mean this is how you respond to my generosity and overture of friendship?”

I think this is, in part, a move to level the playing field by using false equivalence: “I cheated and lied, but now you’re the bad guy because you didn’t thank me enough. We’re even.” In this way, he can remount his moral high horse. And he probably told others about how he was rebuffed, gaining pity points and casting you in a bad light.

Sucks!!

All cheaters seem to do this in one way or another.

Pink_Nora_Rose
Pink_Nora_Rose
2 years ago

My ex has gone about this somewhat indirectly. Please bear with me. The first one needs some context.

Pre-pandemic, I used to join feminist demonstrations. First year I went, I invited my then husband to come along, he said there would just be a few people and it would have no practical effect, so there would be no use in going, so I went with a friend. It was hugely successful, the town was entirely flooded by people, so the following year I invited him again. He said it would have no practical effect, so there would be no use in going, so I went alone again, and it was hugely successful again.

Third year, I was recently divorced and still very raw, but I went to the march anyway, confident that if there was one place on this earth that I wouldn’t bump into him, it would be the march. He was the first person I saw, just a couple of metres away in a 30,000-people demonstration. I couldn’t manage grey rock and walked away crying (no talking though). My friends convinced me to stay. I felt humiliated. He disappeared. I read Chump Lady during the march on my phone. I untangled a lot after that.

Right after this, lockdown began. I signed up for a board game simulator website which works a bit like Facebook. Since we’re both board game players, I was sure I’d see him, as we would have common contacts. What I did not expect was him to use one of our (extremely specific) pet names as a username. An embarrassing one at that. I am still scratching my head at this one, and was extremely mad that he managed to get to me in spite of grey rock/no contact, and in the middle of an unheard of lockdown. I’m sure this takes some specific skill.

Magnolia
Magnolia
2 years ago
Reply to  Pink_Nora_Rose

Hey Pink_Nora_Rose,

Fellow 2020 IWD march (if that’s the one you mean) ex story here. I missed the opening speeches and the actual march for the 2020 Mar 8 IWD demo in my city, just before lockdown (I remember those conversations about should we have the march? should we not have the march?) because we were busy breaking up. Dude had let me down again and failed to do what he said he would again and I ended up having to drive him to where we were supposed to meet and as he got out of the car I was like, we have to break up. Almost a relief for him to fuck up women’s day because that extra insult just pushed me over the edge. We had the tearful conversation in the parking lot to the sounds from megaphones and slogan-chanting in the background, then the conversation continued as the march happened a stream of women moved along the sidewalk behind us (it felt very cinematic), and then when I’d said everything I had to say, I drove to where the women had met up, cried in front of a bunch of women who were like, “been there; why do you think I come to these marches?” and then I sang a song.

I am angry on your behalf that your ex used that space, of all spaces, to try to get to you, and I think it makes total sense to be particularly jarred and horrified by it. It’s particularly heinous, I mean … I had someone who raped me show up as if a supporter to a political event that was in part about supporting women and femmes of colour, where us being targetted systematically was of course a dimension of the whole raison d’être of the event, and to me that mindfuck was just … I have no words.

The pet name thing is gross, too. These douchewipes take the most intimate of intimacies and vulnerabilities and weaponize them to show they know exactly what’s most meaningful to us and how they know exactly what will most deeply rattle us.

I do think hoovering can often be motivated by the simple, sadistic urge to see how much seeing them will bother us.

Anyway, it doesn’t necessarily always have to be so gross and terrifying an experience once we’re out and feel safe. Another ex has been texting me the past couple days to tell me he’s leaving town (I haven’t spoken to him in maybe a year) and I might have forgotten it even happened if not for today’s challenge!

WeAreTheChumpions
WeAreTheChumpions
2 years ago
Reply to  Pink_Nora_Rose

Sounds more like stalking, though sometimes it seems like there is a fine line beteern hoovering and stalking. Be careful.

Pink_Nora_Rose
Pink_Nora_Rose
2 years ago

WeAreTheChumpions,

Thank you so much for your comment. It hadn’t occurred to me to think about it like that. Fortunately, after those things, he stopped. However, if he ever picks it up again, I’ll make sure to document things just in case.

I always chalked it up to him being so concerned with image management that he needed to provoke me so I would explode, and he could have facts to defend the “she’s crazy” narrative (because he doesn’t really have much to go on), so he went for things that would very likely cause an angry reaction, rather than texting or calling directly, which would be met either with no response or a Yes/No/Okay if something really needed an answer.

Also, let me I just say how much I love your alias here!

WeAreTheChumpions
WeAreTheChumpions
2 years ago
Reply to  Pink_Nora_Rose

Thank you, the song “We Are the Champions” by Queen runs through my head everytime I type it out.

You are probably correct in the assesment that he did these things to provoke you to make you look bad. He most likely ceased this behaviour because you didn’t react.

Panoptichump
Panoptichump
2 years ago

I love that I can now see this as hoovering– four months after dday and after moving in with Schmoops (who had to quickly dump and evict her own chump), I received a long letter in the mail. The first line was “I’ve wanted to write to you so many times,” or some such.

I didn’t read it but returned it to sender with “I read the first line only. Actions say it all. Keep your words,” written on envelope. I wondered for a while if that was the right move, but after seeing all the poison you guys describe from Hoovering, I am so glad I did it. I had a stress seizure the next morning, so my body was literally rejecting the whole communication I think.

MaisyL
MaisyL
2 years ago

The religion stuff, ugh. My ex and his AP became somehow uber Catholics after abandoning their families to be together in true fulfillment and happiness. My ex wanted our sons to do their sacraments (first communion, confirmation) – I said fine. The day of my eldest son’s confirmation, I arrived at the church early to ensure that my request for two designated pews (one for his family, one for mine) had been honoured. I was told by church lady that called after she and I spoke and he had explained he didn’t want me to “burden” the church by being “difficult” and “we would all sit together for the sake of our son and the other families”. She was all, “isn’t he so thoughtful.” I was like, um, no, I requested a separate pew, was told that was no problem and the children are with me, so if there is no 2nd pew, the father will have to sit in the back pews for non-family. I suggested they make us the last row of families and give us two pews opposite the aisle. With much huffing and puffing, church lady accommodated and I saw a lot of eye rolling when she and ex-h had a confab upon his arrival. Of course within two days I received a lawyer’s letter about the “major scene” I created at the church and the “humiliation” our son faced at my “hysterical” behaviour and at having to sit ACROSS THE AILE from his father and father’s mistress and love child and their parents. F that liar. I am not sitting in a cramped pew with that commandment-flouting abomination EVER.

MaisyL
MaisyL
2 years ago
Reply to  MaisyL

Is this even hoovering or is it just image management? Either way, he sucks.

FuckThatShit
FuckThatShit
2 years ago

My first year of separation from FW after he left us to live with secret GF was a hoovering marathon…

First every single Monday morning that FW was in charge of the kids I would get texts around 8 am with “panicked” questions: what time does the school drop off start, what do the kids eat in their lunch boxes, etc? I answered at first, but got increasingly irritated when they kept coming week after week, and becoming more absurd like “why don’t any of their clothes fit?” At 8 am, right before leaving for school? (You need to buy clothes that fit them, the kids grow, not their clothes?). After a while I stopped answering, or answered 2 hrs later to get my point across: figure it out, that’s what parenting is.

The other favorite was when I started getting my FW’s medical bills in the mail after I took him off my insurance. At first I thought he forgot to inform one doctor’s office of his change of insurance and I called him to let him know. But it kept happening. So I called the doctor’s office instead to let them know of his change of situation and to call him to get his insurance info because it’s not mine. That shut it down.

The best though was when he texted me from the ER that he couldn’t call the kids tonight because he just split his foot with an axe, with gruesome picture of his foot attached! Then he called me to tell me the details! I asked if he was ok and quickly ended the conversation. I wasn’t that concerned for him because 1) he already was at the ER 2) I damn well knew who drove him there and it wasn’t his “sister” like he wanted me to believe 3) I also knew why he was probably splitting wood, bc he didn’t have a fireplace but “hidden” gf did. He milked that injured foot for a while though with the kids, and he tried with me but I didn’t bite past the minimum polite question.

Attie
Attie
2 years ago

I got a text message one time about six months after we split which went something like “Wheeeeehh,,, haz ba we adob a gibble. Be niz to av a gibble. Wheeeehhhhhh”! I figured that meant “how about we adopt a girl together” (we have two boys) and I also figured he was off his nuts drunk!

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago
Reply to  Attie

“Be niz to av a gibble.” Maybe his drunken self he said the quiet part out loud: “Be niz to av a kibble.”????

Geode
Geode
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

OMG funny Attie!

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
2 years ago

Oh, I just remembered he called me the other day to ask if I knew where he could
get a COVID test. Like there is no one else in the universe he can ask? That must have been a Hoover now that I think about it.

No. But I thought, “But if you got it I couldn’t care less.”

I am Minimal Contact because of child and business interests. I tell him, ask him nothing personal, ever. Zero zip nada zilch.

He usually goes on and on with details from his private life. Shoulder surgery. Boohoo. Poor widdle Twaitor X had to end a coparenting session halfway through because his shoulder booboo hurt. Man, if I had to leave a meeting with him because I was in pain, I would not have made it through a single business meeting, mediation session, or coparenting session. In four years.

I respond with the silent, cold, blank, IDGAF stare that he gave me when I was kneeling, hanging onto the kitchen counter because my legs gave way and I could not stand, on the night I discovered he was having affairs.

(words I despise: 1) playdate 2) co-parent)

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
2 years ago

That gave me a flashback to my first D-day when I collapsed to the bedroom floor with his burner phone in my hand. I felt the blood drain from my face. I wanted to vomit. I will never forget that moment as long as I live. I understand a bit of what you felt.

I’m sending you virtual hugs from here. Madoff is a sick FW. How they think they deserve unending kibbles and forgiveness is beyond me.

StrongerNow
StrongerNow
2 years ago

Not his best hoovering, but his most recent:

We’ve been separated since 9/18, divorced since 5/21 and I always have the kids (19,19 and 17) on Christmas Eve while he has them on Christmas.

He shows up at my house while the kids, my guests and my boyfriend are here in order to pick up my son so he can drive to the ex’s friends house to give him money for a car he bought (because evidently the friend needed it THAT DAY and clearly my ex has no other friends to ask for a ride to pick up the car).

He NEVER comes into my house-and yet comes on on when he knows that we are all there and tries to act like “Mr. Friendly/Nice Guy” to everyone.

All of us there know exactly who he is-and he got a very lukewarm welcome ????????????????.

If he wasn’t such a Narcissist it would have been embarrassing for him.

MollyWobbles
MollyWobbles
2 years ago

My STBXFW is the king of crossing my boundaries. We have a rule that we only talk about “bills and boys (our sons)” but the moment he needs to text/call me about one of those things he will immediately add on “How are you? How’s your health? Did you teach your class today? etc” and then it’s always, always, always followed by “I miss and love you so much. I’m different now.” blah blah blah. I don’t answer his personal questions. I only respond to the appropriate topics and ignore the rest.

What’s worse is that the moment we’re alone (it happens infrequently) he will instantly hit on me. He will waggle his fingers (think Ross on Friends) and say “I can pleasure you.” BARF!!!! I have never taken him up on said hoovering. And have to remind him that he’s crossing a boundary AGAIN. Offers of hand jobs are not “bills or boys”!!! And how stupid is he to claim to be a recovering sex addict (eye roll) but then talk about sex the moment we’re alone??? Dude is so ridiculous. Can’t believe I have been with him for three decades.

Adelante
Adelante
2 years ago
Reply to  MollyWobbles

Take a page from Thelma and Louise–next time he waggles his fingers at you you think about what Thelma says to the trucker before they shoot out the tires on his truck: “That business with your fingers? What is that? That is disgusting!”

MollyWobbles
MollyWobbles
2 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

Love that!!!

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
2 years ago
Reply to  MollyWobbles

Yuck. He’s awful. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. If you’re ever alone with him again (I hope not)… I’d be tempted to record it! Literally hit record on your phone right in front of him. If he asks, say “I’m recording this to ensure you only discuss bills and the boys. I’m sick of your sexual come ons and harassment.” Tempting!

MollyWobbles
MollyWobbles
2 years ago

That’s a great idea!

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
2 years ago

The douche FW hoovered a lot in the beginning. He had left me and my son and our entire house full of everything to move straight in with shmoopie and her kids. Then he tried to swing his dick and treat me like his storage unit. He figured that there was nothing I could do but keep his stuff for him. But as soon as the divorce was final I wanted his stuff out and without contact. I had made sure to include in the legal agreement that we would need to use a hired arbitrator to divide our property because FW wanted me to stand next to him and say “this is mine… that is yours” together. No fucking way.

So after the divorce, FW contacted me to get together and divide our stuff. I referred him to our legal agreement and said we’d hire a guy to split it for us – per the agreement. I was initially afraid to lose stuff I wanted, but realized it was a bigger fear of FW to be stuck with half — shmoopie had a house and wouldn’t want all his shit in it ????

So he backed down and just said he wanted his desk. I gave it to him (put it in the driveway — no contact).

I had also asked if there was anything in our storage unit but he turned it down… in writing. So I emptied the storage and threw out or donated anything I didn’t want.

About a year later, FW asshat asked for the weed wacker (??? Did he think I was giving him tools to work on shmoopie’s yard? That idiot). I replied “don’t have it.” Then I took the weed wacker and gave it to a neighbor.

Soon after FW asked for a trunk of his memorabilia that used to be in storage. My reply “I gave everything to you.”

He then tried to complain that he was missing things and I referred him to the email where he said he only wanted his desk and nothing from the storage unit either. Then if he asked for anything more … no response.

He recently hoovered by sending me a picture of my son when they were together over the holidays and visiting with his parents.

The photo was of son at the Field Museum by dinosaur bones, with grandpa in the photo too.

I texted back “I wouldn’t send you pictures of my mom. Why would you send me a pic with your dad? I’ve had to remind you not to send pics with you in it too. You really should get some help with social skills. Even late in life they might help. “ (he’s 52 and sensitive about it)

Yes I know, I know… bad bad MichelleShocked. (hangs head in shame) ????

Honestly I’d rather shut FW down then get any pics at all. Son is 16. FW doesn’t need to send pics… son can send selfies if he chooses

MollyWobbles
MollyWobbles
2 years ago

He sounds like a real charmer! *eyeroll*
My FW recently sent me a picture of him and our son on a hike. It was a great picture of our son so I cropped FW out of it and saved it. Now it makes me smile even more every time I see it because I know that I successfully cut him out!

NewChump
NewChump
2 years ago
Reply to  MollyWobbles

MollyWobbles I have a gorgeous pic of 2 of my kids on a Swiss mountaintop that gives me the same satisfaction!

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago

That would be awful having to stand with them and haggle over stuff.

I got it written in our separation agreement that I got all the furniture and he paid all the bills, mortgage, electric, phone etc. Since he would be getting the house that worked for me. He documented that he had already gotten all his personal items except the tools in the garage. I didn’t want the dam tools, so I said he could store them in the garage as long as there was room for my car.

But, in my case he filed and I had proof of long standing financial fraud; so he was pretty agreeable as long as I didn’t make it a public issue. I really didn’t have to, everyone knew the shit he pulled, he was just still working under the illusion that he would maintain his status when I was out of the picture.

He didn’t.

Adelante
Adelante
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

The tools! When I moved out I asked my stbx (now ex) if I could take some tools with me. He said I could take them all as long as I left him the screwdriver with the red wood handle he’d had as a child. So I did just that. I was the one who had handled all the repairs anyway.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

I did create a small tool box for myself, but he was mostly interested in his expensive power tools almost all of which I got him for Christmas and Birthdays.

Fair is fair, they were gifts to him and after all he let me keep all the robes he bought me for Christmas. I rarely got birthday gifts, he rarely remembered my bday.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

“I rarely got birthday gifts, he rarely remembered my bday.”

Dammit. I’m angry for you! What a sucky man.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Thanks, I have come to terms with that part. Honestly, in real time I spackled it by telling myself he was just not the touchy feely type when it came to gifts, but hey he was faithful to me and loved me. Oh how stupid I was.

The only reason I never had much jealousy of whore is that I knew he didn’t love her any more than he did me, he just gifted her to keep the pussy flowing and keep her quiet until he and I secured his promotion.

I have been so blessed since then though; and I wish that for all new chumps.

StrongerNow
StrongerNow
2 years ago

About 3 months after I moved out-I was dropping our daughter off at the ex’s house-and he handed me all of our wedding pics and said he thought I would want them. I took them from him-and in front of him-dumped them in his trash can in the driveway and drove off without a word….

It still feels good ????

Resident Tengu
Resident Tengu
2 years ago
Reply to  StrongerNow

That’s so EXCELLENT !!! It’s like a Hollywood movie scene – that everybody would watch and just *wish* they would think that fast, and be that strong, and that *in control*, but would say to their friends later, “Of course, that kind of thing only happens in the movies… ” And it would definitely be one of those few scenes in movies where the audience would break out in spontaneous applause !!! I would get your autograph, if I could! Just knowing someone actually ever did that in real life, is a complete treasure !
YOU are AWESOME !!!!!

StrongerNow
StrongerNow
2 years ago
Reply to  Resident Tengu

Thank you Resident Tengu!

I firmly believe we ALL have that inner strength and can tap into it at different times.

I wondered after I did it if I would regret it-but I still don’t!

It still feels empowering ????????????.

WE ARE ALL MIGHTY!!!

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
2 years ago
Reply to  StrongerNow

StrongerNow – That was EPIC! And you’ll never regret it. You’re not going to ever want to look at those photos again. Who wants to look at their ex anymore? Bleh. FW is a stranger now

The only pictures I’ll occasionally look at are of ME in my wedding gown. Because the gown was pretty and I was young. And that’s about it ????

StrongerNow
StrongerNow
2 years ago

MichelleShocked-RIGHT?!?

I won’t ever look at them again, obviously the FW won’t ever look at them again-I doubt my kids will want to look at them again-so, why not?

I also saved some of just me in my dress-just like you-it was a beautiful dress and I was young ❤️ (and my mom made it).

Looking back-I see now that, AS ALWAYS, it was FW trying to passively-aggressively control me and be just plain mean. I think he thought I would walk back to my car with a box of photos, my head hanging and tears running down my face.

Oh well. ????

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
2 years ago
Reply to  StrongerNow

EPIC! I’m sure that throwing all the photos away right there was a real kick in the balls ????

StrongerNow
StrongerNow
2 years ago
Reply to  StrongerNow

When he tried to give me more pics of us-I told him, “No thanks-anytime you think I might want any pics of us together-you can go ahead and throw them away.”

ChumpedForANewerModel
ChumpedForANewerModel
2 years ago
Reply to  StrongerNow

That is mighty!!! Great work!!!

StrongerNow
StrongerNow
2 years ago

❤️❤️❤️

Langele
Langele
2 years ago
Reply to  StrongerNow

Shiiit.
Stones.
Saluté.

SteongerNow
SteongerNow
2 years ago
Reply to  Langele

❤️❤️❤️

Shintoga
Shintoga
2 years ago
Reply to  StrongerNow

????

StrongerNow
StrongerNow
2 years ago
Reply to  Shintoga

❤️❤️❤️

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago
Reply to  StrongerNow

Badass!!????????????

StrongerNow
StrongerNow
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

❤️❤️❤️

MollyWobbles
MollyWobbles
2 years ago
Reply to  StrongerNow

StrongerNow, that’s EPIC!!!!!

StrongerNow
StrongerNow
2 years ago
Reply to  MollyWobbles

❤️❤️❤️

WeAreTheChumpions
WeAreTheChumpions
2 years ago

Just remember all the little (and big) jabs and putdowns they threw your way during the discard. There is nothing wrong with a little turn-about-is-fair-play, especially from you, who they thought “would never do that.”

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
2 years ago

Thank you. I know I REALLY shouldn’t respond at all. But sometimes temptation gets me. ????

Bruno
Bruno
2 years ago

I have remarried since divorcing my FW. My wonderful new wife was chumped 20 years ago. Her FW had numerous chances to remove all his stuff. I actually inherited some of his nice tools, most of which I sold. Wife is NC with him. Recently, and out of the blue, she gets an email from him requesting some VHS tapes of some family event and NFL bloopers he had left behind. He offered to reimburse for making copies.
So he wants her to dig through old family junk boxes out in the shed and take them to be copied, ship them to Idaho and wait for reimbursement. This after abandoning the marriage for a co-worker, years of emotional and financial abuse and bad mouthing both of us to her children. She never responded to this, but neither of us can figure out my he did this and why he ever thought she would even consider his request.

bread&roses
bread&roses
2 years ago
Reply to  Bruno

I think I know what happened, Bruno. Sitting in his lazy boy in his carpeted basement lair (full of awards and trophies, a few unused free weights, an exercise bike and stacks of old magazines, cds, dvds and commemorative books from Time Magazine), watching a Madden tribute on a massive screen, FW grew nostalgic for the good old days of the NFL – when America was great, men were men, football was funny, and there was none of that kneeling during the flag. Misty eyed, he thought, ‘Whatever happened to those blooper tapes I used to watch? I loved those. I need to get them back from Chump. Probably valuable, too.’ Which got him thinking about something else. ‘Ah, back then, there was that family I used to have. I really did love them, too (almost as much as the NFL tapes). I’ll have Chump send those family videos, too, so I can relive my glory days. I can even show my current wife appliance; she really doesn’t compare to the old one and needs to be put in her place. Maybe she’ll up her game, or at least feel bad about herself.’

Maybe I got a little bit carried away there, but really? He wants VHS tapes (of something that is undoubtedly available online, probably better quality and free)? And expects them to still be there waiting for him after 20 years? And feels entitled to inconvenience his NC ex (who he abused and cheated on) for this? Guy is a caricature. More evidence that FWs only get worse. Congrats to your wife for trading up!

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago
Reply to  Bruno

Unbelievable! That’s exactly the kind of thing my x would ask of me. Totally clueless and 100% willing to make me do some heavy lifting for him. And he would be completely befuddled if someone pointed out to him the ridiculousness of that request. #clueless. #entitled

No response was the perfect response.

So happy for you that you’re with a great partner now!! Cheers!

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Bruno

No way would I do that, especially if I didn’t get the money up front.

I didn’t give my pictures to my son until years later, after I put copies in a couple differed spots. I told my son that I didn’t care if he gave his dad copies of any of them but that he shouldn’t give the originals as whore would likely see that they are destroyed.

Son created a couple different albums (cloud) that I have access to. He keeps the ones of his dad mostly in a separate album. My husband also created a family album that has my side on it and my son has access.

StrongerNow
StrongerNow
2 years ago
Reply to  Bruno

Absolutely ridiculous!!

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
2 years ago
Reply to  Bruno

Wow. That’s hovering for sure

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
2 years ago

After tolerating a hoovering attempt and finally getting him off the phone, about an hour later he sent a text:

“I fell down. Can you come over and help me, I’m hurt.”

He’s an alcoholic and I had no idea where he lived. Nor did I give a shit.

I replied “I’m not interested. Call 911”

I never heard from him again. Sadly, he survived his imaginary accident to continue using women and wrecking their lives.

Boudicca
Boudicca
2 years ago
Reply to  Hesatthecurb

That’s just funny.
I wish my ex used lame excuses like this! But instead he Hoovers through the family court (this way he cannot be ignored)

Mowmowface
Mowmowface
2 years ago

He called me up at work one day after we separated and wanted me to add his new car to my car insurance. We only had one car when we were married so I begrudgingly accepted that he needed a car to move out, but I said oh hell no to adding him to my car insurance (in violation of court orders not to change any policies I might add.)