Best Hoovering Attempts to Win You Back?
The Friday Challenge is best hoovering attempts to win you back after D-Day. Hey! They’re going to make it up to you!
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This one goes out to Thurla Holm Laegreid — the Olympian bronze winner who chose the moment of his medal ceremony to ask his former girlfriend to take him back.
I give him the gold for hoovering attempts.
If manipulation were an Olympic sport, he’d be on the winner’s block. The generic compliments (most beautiful! best!), the nonexistent apology, the implied promise to really appreciate you now …
It made me think, there’s a Friday Challenge in this. How many of us got similar? Did you drink the Koolaid of their affair is going to ultimately make your marriage stronger? Did you win the pick me dance ever-so-briefly? Hey, you’re the one they REALLY love! Did they show up at your workplace with a flipchart?
Tell me your cheaters best attempts to suck you back into their dysfunction.
TGIF!
I’m just dropping this in here for the Chumps that DIDN’T get hoovered back. My FW left me with complete narcissistic discard (almost 11 years ago now). It was like a leech ripped off me and sucking on to his next host (AP). He didn’t EVER beg me to come back. He moved on completely with Schmoopie. At first that made me feel terrible… like I was the problem. But you’re LUCKY if a FW doesn’t return. Hoovering sucks (pun intended). I’m sure the bronze medalist’s ex girlfriend wishes he would have shut up and moved on without the drama and left her the f*** alone.
Amen Chump!
I didn’t get hoovered. I got the big time discard. So much so that the second I refused his offer to stay married to him while he f’d schmoopie on the side, he just turned off like a light. His face changed, he got snake eyes, he wouldn’t engage in the divorce. In any interaction with me he was cruel and mindbendingly difficult to deal with. He turned into the victim and told everyone I kicked him out. He told my daughter he couldn’t bond to her because I wouldn’t let him and he told everyone that I ruined his career as a revenge move. I’m glad he didn’t hoover, but it’s a special kind of hell to be discarded,
blamed and stonewalled after 25 years of marriage- even if you don’t want them back.
Exactly this for me too. I call it “shark eyes”… FW’s eyes turned dark and soulless. He went from my spouse to a stranger in an instant. And my 9 year old son said it best “What happened to dad? You’re the same but he’s changed.”
I remember the shark eyes, in the last few months before he left for o-wh-ore. It was like he had put himself in a trance, it was weird. I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t yet grasp the depth of horror I was about to experience.
Yep, I hear you! Unbelievable!!!
Thank you for the nod! I also didn’t get hoovered. It’s hard not to take it personal. I don’t think I would have been able to forgive him and/or trust him again if he came back. I would have thought he came back for the wrong reasons (ie. AP dumped him or he ran out of money or needed something, etc) rather than because he actually loved me. But even though I think that, I still am not sure that he couldn’t have sucked me back in. I think that is why I filed for divorce so quickly. Before I could change my mind.
I didn’t get any hoovering either — he was too busy with his Schmoopie that was 28 years younger than he 🤮 . A couple years later I hit a professional milestone (amazing how quickly it happened once I didn’t have that goober around to suck my energy dry), and somehow he found out and messaged me a super-positive CONGRATULATIONS message. 🙄 I never answered back.
Mine said if we reconciled, that we’d buy the house of my dreams, any place that I wanted, and get all new furniture.
Well, except I’d be there with him. That was the problem. And as the caretaker of the family finances, I wondered how on earth we’d truly afford that. He was retired, and I had been working part-time while raising our children, who were in college.
The thought of having to start over with friends that I couldn’t possibly share the truth with also seemed pretty horrid. I mean, who says over coffee, “Yes, we moved here because he did X, Y, and Z, and we believed that being in a new place would completely fix X, Y, and Z.” I’d have to hide the truth.
And my therapist said when I shared that, “And wherever you go with him, there he will be.”
I refused to reconcile.
Good on you! You must be so much better off without him now.
Mine has holes in his hands when it comes to money. We only ever survived financially because I took care of the finances. We are now one month separated. First month separate finances. His salary won’t be there for another 2 weeks and he is already in the red even though he makes a lot more than me and lives with his parents (free food).
Good for you, one of the myriad of half-hearted attempts at false reconciliation was similar to yours and we could afford to if married. Dragging the chump away from existing support system so FW can start fresh conning new people and flying monkeys only benefits the personality disordered narcs.
Yes, the whole dynamic of heavy spending and then being in a new place where I knew only him to reinvent ourselves somehow sounded just really, really bad to me. And I really hadn’t been around him in a year and was full of suspicions about how he was spending his time.
When he let slip that I couldn’t have a cell phone/computer for a time while we worked this out because I was “untrustworthy and needed to focus on my husband,” I pulled the plug. That was big-time coercive control.
Whoa. Focus on your husband? Like he focused on you?
Projection was a biggie for him. He claimed that I was the one who broke the wedding vows, cheated with multiple men, and more. Such delusions!
Mine was also the anti-hoover kind. In fact, a few days after announcing he wanted a divorce, he started telling people excitedly that he was getting remarried. I tried once to have an adult conversation with him about dividing the assets and my need for insurance and smirked and he told me that I couldn’t have insurance because the new Mrs. FW needed it, and then grinned proudly, like he’d done something especially clever…and started chirping away happily about remarrying,.When the experts say a complet lack of empathy, they mean it.
I completely expect a bouquet of grocery store flowers left at my door. That’s how I will know he’s thinking of me. (Just not while he’s being serviced by his escorts.)
Oh my goodness, I got that grocery store bouquet as well when he tried to win me back. One week later he used our finances to send an expensive bouquet of roses to the girl that he had met on Bumble and had slept with…he hadn’t told her he was married and she kicked him out. He wanted to say sorry with those flowers.
Needless to say, his grocery store bouquet ended up in the trash and he ended up living at his parents house till the divorce is final.
Why are they all so alike? Mine also paid for escorts.
See my 2x today’s note…speaks of value…
After a 30 year marriage, the snake blindsided me and moved out to shack up with a massage parlor ho while I was across the country caring for my sick mother. I lawyered up as soon as I got home, and he was served. He showed up on my doorstep, crying, with flowers, begging for another chance. Chumpy me, allowed him to move back in and told my lawyer to put the divorce on hold. It lasted two weeks. I caught him hiding in the closet talking to his massage ho. Divorce was final six months later. I’m so glad he’s gone. I’ve found out SOOOO many more terrible things about him since the divorce. He was living a truly heinous double life. I can completely relate to Melinda French Gates when she found out about her ex in the Epstein files. I wonder why she kept his last name? I wonder if she’ll drop it after those revelations. I did. It was a pain in the A$$, after having that name for 30 years, but I’m so glad I did it.
yes, you find out so much more once the mask slips. You also look more closely at what happened much earlier that you had no proof of and chose to believe the half assed lies he told. Betrayal blindness is a thing, but I’ve not looked at the past and the present with fresh eyes, and he is an utter POS
They are all good at crying, aren’t they?
My two adult kids — my son a junior, poor kid — are considering changing their names. (I didn’t take his name when we married.)
I dropped my 30 year name though no kids with him..every time I correct someone I feel a thrill of mighty. Melinda has kids and I did not drop my married name after #1 cheater for the kids clarity…just something to think about
Same experience here about finding out sooo much more past the massage parlor hoho and strip mall escorts. It’s so bad that if he’s accused of having murdered one of them now I’d be like yep that’s a totally congruent with a sociopath.
My ex is a suspect in a terrible crime, committed while we were married. If he’s arrested, it will be on the news. Every time I see “Breaking News” on my local news station, I’m afraid it’s about him.
No hoovering here. Cheaty McLiarface has zero factory installed emotional empathy and therefore no ability to be humble. Hoovering is much to close to humility and his ego must be protected at all costs. He wouldn’t want to look weak or that he was actually like maybe wrong or something, you know.
Plus, I watched a sister in law fall for it with Cheaty’s brother years after the divorce. Yes, you guessed it. He re-cheated and eventually slandered her mental health.
My ex hoovered as he lived: passive-aggressively.
Some months after I moved out and into my refuge of an apartment in an old house, one day as I was getting ready to go out, he knocked on the front door, and, when I answered, held out a framed historical photograph of the old mountain resort town where I had once lived, saying he’d bought it to give me for Christmas on a trip back to our old state to see his father, but had forgotten he’d bought it and hadn’t given it to me then.
He clearly expected me to invite him in off the front porch, but I merely stood in the doorway and said I was about to leave. I did accept the photograph, which I didn’t want (and later gave to my niece, who lives near that old resort).
Without my realizing it, he’d parked in the area behind my place, and when I went out the back door heading to the garage, he was getting into his car. He opened the door, then swung around to face me, then extended his arms downward, spread his fingers, and made a face that was part sad sausage, part appeal, part irritation, and meant as an accusation of my failure to respond as he wished me to.
Ah, yes. The grocery store bouquets he bought during his version of wreck-on-silly-a-shun. I’d bet money that the therapist suggested it. Why use words of contrition when you can buy a tangible expression of it for $16.99?
No hoovering attempts yet, but I only left last week.
He did not think that I would actually go.
Congrats on leaving. Life is going to get so much better without him in it.
Stay strong and stay GONE.
My ex the FW acted remorseful while continuing to lie cheat and steal! That arrogant narcopath went so far as to tell the attorneys and our kids that I’d withdraw the petition for divorce and allow him to move back in. They’ve been disrespecting the chump for years already with the cheating, so they figure you’d been a kicked dog for so long that you’d never DARE TO LEAVE your abusive master.
Mine tried to hoover me back with flowery words of his love and admiration for me (but they were sometimes mixed in with toxic accusatory words, too).
He also put on a great performance of kindness and consideration and gifts when he oh so magnanimously (in his mind) invited me to his family holiday gatherings, while we were separated.
He cornered me into vacationing together with me and our young adult kids and their friend who came to visit from another country. I think he thought that by vacationing together, staying in an Airbnb, that I would see his genuine naugahyde change in character and newfound devotion to me. He later raved in front of his family about how well I managed the meals over those several days, since I had been put in charge of the food on the trip. On some level he knew he didn’t treat me well in our decades-long marriage and didn’t notice and compliment me for all the things I did so capably. He thought that by doing so in front of others while separated would win me over.
Ironically, the minute I brought up divorce he was like “Next…” and got on an online dating site. He started dating his now wife before the ink was even dry on our super quick divorce.
Sounds like mine exactly. Except he had already slept with her while we were still talking about separation and him trying everything to get me back and doing therapy etc.
Once he realized I am actually not giving him another chance he started pursuing her again. I wish her lots of strength.
I got a diamond necklace. It was immediately followed by pouting then rage because I wouldn’t have sex with him even though he bought me a DIAMOND NECKLACE!
That’s disgusting.
I got the pouting for not wanting to have sex with him anymore without even getting a present. We had already started divorce proceedings at that point. Their entitlement is insane.
I am so sorry. How insulting.
Gross! I hope you sold it and used it to do something nice for yourself.
So gross! And I put all my valuables in my own safe deposit box when he was packing his sh*t because he definitely would have felt entitled lift it. Plan to sell it for travel adventures!
The jerk’s only hoovering attempt was during the divorce. We had separated and he had set his facebook profile to “In a relationship” for a few months. He eventually texted me and said that he was “very single” and asked for the recipe for one of his favorite meals. I had already put him on low contact, so I simply ignored that text. But the idea that he was “very single” while we were still married was really too much.
I think he considered me his back-up plan the whole time he was openly sleeping with the other woman. Idiot.
That’s insane. We had a plumber over this week who is my husband’s acquaintance. He came in and said: So you are his ex?
Me: Well we are currently divorcing but we are still very much legally married.
For them, marriage just ends once you refuse sex.
What a jerk; I’m sorry. I suppose this is the behavior I can anticipate from STBX within the next few months; ugh.
Be careful of any therapist you use, many are useless cheater apologists who don’t understand trauma and abuse in the infidelity context. Above all do not tip your hand to your STBX no matter what you do. The only exception is if your FW finds a clueless marriage counselor and you need to go along with the pretense for a while, to allow yourself time to plan, then sure any therapist will do. Many of us found out FW cheaters lied through their teeth during couples counseling while secretly planning a life with affair partners so why not a chump play at their own game?
Buy yourself time to plan, gather documents, get support. Your STBX is now the enemy combatant and you must never forget it! S/he has had many months, years to plot against you and you’re so far behind you must catch up.
Get on task with lawyers, accountants, private investigators, whatever you need to do. Act now. Save yourself. Process emotions and cry later.
Many hugs. We’ve all been in your shoes, here at CL blog.
Thank you, Archer, OHFFS, and Best Thing for all of your sound advice. I’m reading every word here on CL daily, and I’m taking it all in. There will be no marriage counseling, as I’ve realized there’s no marriage left to save. He has essentially lived a double life with another woman for five years.
How could I blissfully not know what was happening so close to me?
It sounds like a complicated way to live, but I’m about to simplify things for him.
We’re not personality disordered crazies and often we’re too busy doing the household work that’s why we didn’t see the double life happening right underneath our noses.
FW narcopath also had a 5+ year expensive “relationship” with an escort except then I later found out while engaged in that double life he was ALSO entangled with various strip mall hohos over several counties and in other states when traveling. Insanely tangled web of lies.🤯 🤯 🤯
Don’t be surprised if that 5 year affair partner is not the only one. Once they cheat they start to see all women as possible f**k buddies. She’s not special, you see? Only way you “win” is by walking away from POS abusive liar and his games.
Unfortunately you might get that and worse. Get your support people in place now, because if this website is any indication (it is) you are in for a rough 2026. You definitely need an excellent lawyer, understanding friends and family, and possibly a therapist to deal with what is probably coming as your FW’s choices bite him in the arse.
I put myself out as a cautionary tale of letting him hoover back.
I was high on hopium for a long time and just wanted my “intact family” back. I had decided that OW ever getting pregnant was my line in the sand, but that never happened, SO…
After 18 months of him living 3000 miles away in the same town where OW moved to (also just to “work” but not “live”) he called to announce that he was moving home.
I made no demands, I set no expectations, I simply let him crawl back home. He still refused to answer questions about what happened “Im not ready to tell you yet” which turned into “That is history, why do we need to discuss the past”.
I had already spent nearly 2 years in Chump Hell and he crawled back with no accounting for what he did. I lived 5 more years of Wreckonsillyation. I had started to grow a backbone and saved some money to fund my departure but I kept delaying it because our finances were shaky and all of our adult kids lived in the family home. My plan was to get a small, modest apartment near work and take my daughter with me.
Everything I ever expected was entirely changed when he died suddenly.
Getting back on topic, please dont allow them back with no terms or demands…it was a huge mistake.
Egads it sounds like hell it’s better FW died because sounds like he’d drag out the divorce painfully too. More years of torture and your precious life wasted on the FW.
As someone else posted here, “I wish I was widowed rather than divorced”
While I was still piecing evidence together, I got a weak effort of a grocery store bouquet of white lilies and red roses – twice. When he gave me the second bouquet, he said, « they worked last time ». WTF!
They do like their grocery store bouquets don’t they? I can totally relate.
Oh shite. The audacity.
Wow
Ex-Mrs LFTT never tried to hoover me back ….. but by goodness did she try to hoover back the “Husband appliance services” that she felt that she was still entitled to.
Plot spoiler; husband appliance services remained turned off, because that’s what happens when you cancel the subscription.
LFTT
Extra +1 for the making me laugh at the term, “husband appliance services,” as I felt that’s what she saw me as being able to provide to her after the divorce. I too got no attempts at hoovering, but she certainly did ask for favors or things. Nothing too big, but with complete lack of awareness as to the fact that her subscription was also canceled. She should have read the fine print on the terms of service!
Well my ex husband did not Hoover me back directly although he told our daughter he wanted to travel together but stay in Deirdre rooms and how much he cared about me which was bs given his direct about how I ruined his life for 30 years that led me to finally leave.
I did have a bf who broke up with me for no reason although he said he was going out with another woman and he managed to Hoover me back. Did a really good job of being remorseful and went on about how he missed me and I was “ the one” so I took him back even though I had this thought that if he dumped me once he’s going to do it again. And that’s exactly what happened. Two months later, he decided that I was “unhappy,” and broke up with me again. I regretted taking him back. Never again.
This made me chuckle.
First, let me say that I have been FW-free for just over a decade so CheaterX is more a memory of a time that was long ago. Strange, really, as we’d been together for over 25 years and married for nearly 20 of them.
Anyway, CheaterX dragged out the divorce for as long as possible. Once the divorce went through, he immediately proposed to Schmoopie. Schmoopie was likely being evicted from her home, so she really wanted to move in with CheaterX as soon as possible. Unfortunately, there was this pesky divorce decree indicating that I had a very specific amount of time to move out once I’d secured my own home. I managed to purchase my own place and spent a week moving out of the marital home. I was going to return the key to CheaterX and he refused to answer the door. Instead, he texted me to say there was no need. He was changing the locks. Fine. He let me wait on the doorstep and I could hear him and Schmoopie talking behind the door.
Fast forward a few months. CheaterX and Schmoopie marry. Then about 6 months afterwards I get this really weird voicemail on my phone from CheaterX saying that I was right. Schmoopie was all about the money and that she was cheating on him and wanted to divorce. CheaterX threw out the suggestion that once the dust settled, “we” could sit down and figure out where “we” stood.
I laughed at that one.
“We” didn’t need to sit down because I knew exactly where I stood. There wasn’t any “we.” The moment he cheated, he destroyed that.
It is a bit amazing to think that he would believe that he was so awesome that I’d want to get back together with him.
I do feel sorry for whomever he’s seeing now. She gets to massage his BPD ego.
The audacity!!!
Mine alternated between love bombing, gaslighting, devaluing, and shouting. There was never any apologizing or promising not to do it again, because he wouldn’t even admit it was an emotional affair. But he held my hand way too much, gave me these loooong creepy hugs, and took me on a few vacations. But way too little too late — my eyes were opening to the narcissism, lying, lack of empathy, porn habit, and likely previous affairs. After seven months of this, he took me to Santa Barbara where we met up with his longtime friend and that guy’s 29-year-old affair partner turned fiancé (the rest of us were in our 50s). FW spent the whole weekend fawning over her and ignoring me. I think he forgot who he was supposed to be love bombing.
I know for a fact that the principle of an elementary school had multiple affairs with young women under his supervision. When this was finally brought to his wife’s attention, the response was muted but he hoovered her back with a brand new white top of the line Cadillac. Much cheaper for him than splitting assets and retirement funds. Not quite sure what was in it for her.
This one is so low effort it’s laughable. I had a bunch of blackberry bushes at the house, it was blackberry season and there were so many they were practically falling off the bush. The morning after the DDay reveal, which had been late at night, FW picked a small bowl of blackberries for me before he went to work and left a disingenuous note beside it. He then brought me back a magazine when he got back from work.
Not only a FW but a cheap one as well.
Not exactly hoovering, but while we were separated, during COVID, when stores shut down he emailed and said he was going to buy tween and me groceries, since we were high risk. I replied that it would be nice, and please have his friend leave them at my door. (Note: this is the same creep who cut off my access to all my credit and debit accounts, which I discovered when I tried to use them to buy groceries for Thanksgiving.)
He asked if the friend could go in the garage. I said no, just leave them at the door. He immediately became hostile and said he wouldn’t risk his friend’s health, he had to do it and had to go in the garage.
Finally he admitted he wanted more bicycles (he had multiples). He probably also planned to sabotage the house more, or take things.
I went complete No Contact. He has emailed me a few times, and I don’t know if any of them were sincere. I ignored them. He usually followed up with demands for something or some action he wanted.
My cheater said he would TAKE ME BACK if i did all the things on his list of private things to do in the dark at least 2x a month and others weekly..and he would stay. More like a cattle auction. And I’m the one who filed!!! Or …the bouquet of cheap flowers and chocolates on my car with a note,” I know you’ll give us another chance.” I called my lawyer who told his lawyer those actions could be construed as stalking with a protection order in place. Nope.
my first discovery day, during our Honeymoon, when I confronted him with what I found on his phone his immediate response was “I was se*ually abused as a child.” and I pivoted to helping him with that (it was a first- heard for me). And then it was trickle truth..
Second discovery day after years of therapy was the sad sausage and stringing out of decision-making.
Third discovery day when I called him out he used our cats against me and said if I was “nice enough” to him he “might” let me see them.
I never saw them again. I hate him
FW would update his WhatsApp status with AI generated pictures of him sitting alone on a bench for two, with hearts and quotes like „Miss You“ or quote love poems/songs. No idea if he still does this. I blocked him. One step down for public ick compared to the Norwegian Olympian FW. He wrote me emails many times a day for 3 weeks about how much me loved and missed me until it took me the strength to shut that shut down. Now if I hear from him regarding organizational topics, he signs with „deep care and great respect“. But those words mean nothing compared to his words and actions over years of great disrespect. Telling me he would tell everyone on vacation that he was there as my caregiver (due to my anxiety). Telling me he feels sorry for me because my friends are all fragile and can‘t be there for me when I need them. Sending me pictures from his last minute meet-up with friends in the mountains while I was at my grandmothers. Bringing gifts from the OW into our home.
I got sort of… anti-hoovering? Hoovering-adjacent? He big time hoovered our kid, who didn’t want to spend any time with him (16 at the time) so he ramped up presents for the kid. He showed up with a big 8×10 framed picture of the kid on their horse, super gift wrapped (by the company, he couldn’t be arsed), Along with it was a 4×3 framed different picture of me and kid… one of the least flattering pics of me he’d taken, and he mostly didn’t take any, but when he did, they were bad. It wasn’t gift wrapped, and was so obviously a BOGO free or half-off (I’ll never know which). The comparison was just… so striking. Did he want me to be jealous of our kid’s gift? Kid didn’t like it either! LOL! Easter he showed up with a “gift certificate” to a local nursery, but it was actually the non-redeemable receipt, his copy. No redeem code or bar code to scan, nothing. It was useless, LOL! I told him I never wanted a single gift from him ever again except his signature on the divorce decree. And that’s how it’s been ever since!
In retrospect I went through cycles of rapid hoovering and discard, because unbeknownst to me FW narcopath had been planning to discard me (fatally and permanently during some ruminations) and I saw the evil shark eyes when he thought he was going to get away with moving out to shack up with main OW escort, while lying it’s all MY fault and he merely needed his own apartment to cry about his unhappiness.
During DDay #2 things fell apart with madame escort, he was suddenly all for therapy and reconciliation. While involved with multiple other strip mall escorts. The lying and stealing of course never stopped. During false reconciliation he flipped from I’m going to be best husband ever to I hate you why are you asking questions countless times.
I get whiplash just remembering the living hell that we went through. During hoovering I found out while professing undying love to me and telling kids we’d stay together he was registering for dating events in addition to strip mall hohos and God knows what hookup apps. In addition to crossing state lines to hook up with an acquaintance, an incident I’ve posted about here before. It hurt so much at the time but helped open my eyes to the insane pathological lying FW narcopath engaged in on the daily.
Hoovering from a FW just means they want their indentured servant/slave spouse back to USE and ABUSE more.
I don’t want to “untangle the skein”, but I genuinely would like to understand what is wrong with these guys. After years of reading about them, it still isn’t clear.
As we say here in Texas, they ain’t right in the head.
Mine wrote a book, an actual hard cover book complete with photos, all about what an amazing father and husband he’d been to me and our children. This narcissistic endeavor was what he thought would get me back. I never even read it. I glanced at a few pages, rolled my eyes and threw it in the trash. All I learned from the book was that he could gloss over THIRTY YEARS of cheating and make himself sound like a prince for doing it!
No way. He sounds absolutely insane! Good for you for getting away from that relationship!
His attempts are still fresh in my mind because they happened 5 weeks ago.
Telling our 10 year old(!!) daughter that, after our divorce, he will never remarry or look for someone else because he just loves me so much. He wil only ever look for someone else once I (chump) will have a new partner.
Lo and behold, he moved out 2 weeks ago and is already screwing around with the last girl he cheated with.
Some other things he said:
“But…I had plans for our future. I wanted to do so many things with you, like traveling.”
“No, you don’t need trauma therapy. We need marriage counseling.”
“I have slept with so many women (chump edit: during our marriage) but now I realize that I don’t care about the sex. All I want is love and I have only ever found that with you.”
“Those prostitutes never meant anything to me. You are the love of my life.”
My favorite:
“Please don’t go through with the divorce. I want to stay married to you. Even if we never have sex with each other again, I don’t care because I know I will never ever cheat on you again.”
We are still legally married. First month of separate finances and he is already in the red because escorts, new “girlfriends” and nasty webcam stuff. Those are, unfortunately, not free.
Is there such a thing as a platinum medal?
Mine sent bouquets of flowers for any and all occasions for 2 years along with declarations of love and the “hope” he would be a better man. He made no promises because he knew he had lost any belief in his word so why make a promise to me ? ( his words) I told him his flowers were not well received and that I gave each bouquet away to someone who might need a nice surprise.When I told him his flowers did not make me feel good and to please stop, he told me they made him feel good to send them so he would not stop. Nuf Said.
I was hoovered back october 2024 after discovering the affair, simply by declarations of love and assurances he wouldn’t see her. Red flags (ignored as usual) were he kept his phones password private (FW needed his pwecious pwivacy) and he wouldn’t share his money with me, continuing the financial imbalance. When I discovered 6 months later the affair continued and I said the D-Word, he offered all of the above and more. I said go to hell.
10 months later divorce filed and awaiting house sale and final papers. He is not happy with his schmoopie as the grass was dry and withered, so he’s tried making me the other woman but is currently talking to another mark. So cheating on the woman he cheated on me with, who was also cheating on her husband.
I don’t really have anything I can think of for hoovering from the FW XW. Once the FW XW exit-affaired me for her much richer, older boss, I think he satisfied her basic need for more money than she makes.
That used to be me, I came to realize, until I burned out in pharmacy. I’m very happy I’ve realized what a whore she is for money and material things, and am no longer associated with her, except for the kids.
Plus, he has what she always wanted us to have, which is a vacation home, on an island off Maine, called Vinalhaven. Well, I guess that was worth blowing up her own family for, after all, wasn’t it?🙄🤬
I don’t communicate with her unless it’s seriously about the kids (hard grey rock), but I do wish them hell in whatever time, shape or form is handy. I just learned she lost her job as a Democratic shepherdess of female candidates for public office of (I believe) all levels for our little New England state.
This information came unasked for from my younger daughter, who now may need my help with money for groceries while she finishes out the last six months (hopefully) of her graduate program in social work. Of course I’m going to help her.
She’s chosen to go to her mother for help previously, I believe, because my kids realized early on after their mother’s affair was made public (by me), that dad was reeling mentally, emotionally and financially from their mother’s scummy actions, and for better or worse (ha!), she was in a better position to help them financially.
My son and oldest daughter informed me a couple of Xmas’s ago that they hoped I wouldn’t be angry that their mother’s AP/now new partner-for-life (or until the money runs out, which is unlikely) is paying for my son’s room and board while he’s at college.
I told them that their mother and her so-called partner owed our family a debt they could never repay, but sure! Let them try. LET THEM TRY.
What I get from the FW XW (and to a slightly lesser degree from her AP) is the continuing sense of entitlement and the desire for me to endorse their image management ideas.
This ranges from expecting me to now be cordial in my dealings with the FW XW (image management) to her wanting me to tell my mother as she was dying how much she loved her and cared for her. First, when I deal with the FW XW, I’m civil, not cordial. She’s lucky I’m that.
As for her entitlement issue? No. Just no. And f*ck yourself to death with a sharp instrument for good measure.
So I feel my job is like a soccer goalkeeper, trying to defend my peace and sanity from the FW XW and her AP (who I only hear about, as always, unasked for by the kids, who claim not to like him). Most of the time, I think I’m successful.
As for those suffering from hoovering from their FW’s? I would imagine it’s a similar situation, just trying to block these idiots attempts to reinsert themselves into your life, and fool you into giving them some more narcissistic kibbles. For which you have my sympathy. But if I’m wrong, feel free to tell me differently. I’m here to learn from my fellow chumps, and hopefully heal like them, too.
May the universe give all my fellow chumps a serious shot at peace and sanity while having to deal with their fuckwits. No contact and hard grey rock have worked well for me. I think they can help everybody, if applied consistently.😊
I would call this hoovering adjacent. When he found out I had gone out on a date, he sent a stupid letter, saying “I don’t know why I acted like such a dirt-bag”. Then when I didn’t respond to that, he came by and told me that the guy I went out with was too old for me (he wasn’t). Then about a month before he married o-wh-ore, he left a message on my phone saying “we never really had a chance to work it out” None of it worked and none of it was to get me back, it was to give me hope again, so he could further stab me in the back. He spent too long at the fair, I was done. He had given o-wh-ore an engagement ring before he had even filed for D, and I was supposed to tremble in my shoes. No thanks.
He even called me just before he and o-wh-ore jetted off to Vegas to tell me they were getting married. I said why are you calling me, he said “I didn’t want you to hear it somewhere else. I said “ok, bye” and hung up.
These were all random events, we never spoke in between these weird events.