Biggest Empowerment Jolt after D-Day?

awesomeThe early days after discovery are traumatic. Very few chumps do mightiness upon discovering their partner’s treachery. More likely, chumps are draped over furniture weeping, or puking their guts out, or doing 3 a.m. Amazon searches for the magic reconciliation resource. (I hear powdered unicorn horn is one of the ingredients…) There’s also shrieking, demanding explanations, and cross-referencing cell phone records… just to break up the monotony.

At some point, however, you get some of your mojo back. You remember who you are. You get a glimpse of yourself without the fuckwit and their drama. Today’s Friday challenge is to tell me what that moment was — and what sparked it.

Did you get a new haircut? See a lawyer? Receive a gift from an old friend? Change the bed linens? Learn a trade? Walk Hadrian’s wall? Turn on your heel and walk away?

At what moment did you get yourself back? And how’s that new life thing going for you?

 

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Shadowfire
Shadowfire
7 years ago

I haven’t gotten the old me back, but I did get a stronger, destroyer-of-bullshit warrior type of me. I sometimes miss the innocent old me but this new one is rather fun at times. The new life is going great! I have a wonderful job doing what I do best and with great co-workers. I have my first home, gotten all by myself. My son, now 14, is an awesome young man who loves school, adjusted amazingly to moving countries when our lives were blown up and has so many plans for his future – I can’t wait to see him take on the world. Now if I could get him to take on his chores willingly . . . that might be the next battle for my warrior princess self. lol

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Shadowfire

You are a warrior princess for getting your first home, raising an awesome son! (but a 14 yo’s willingness to do chores–that will tax your superpowers!).

deedee
deedee
7 years ago

An old friend of mind had been diagnosed with Motor Neuron Disease.We met at university and he and I had had a brief fling back then,a lifetime ago.We remained friends over the years.After his diagnosis he seemed to go through a period when he was turning back the pages of his life and though neither of us had ever referred to that teenage fling in college ,one day he brought it up during a phone conversation,just to say he remembered,that it was a lovely memory and other kind words that touched my heart.
It suddenly struck me that this sweet man,facing his own demise,showed me more respect,had more to say about a very brief teenage fling,than the man I had given my heart and soul to.He acknowledged my worth more than the man who discarded me like trash.
It was a small epiphany for me,a moment of empowerment that propelled me forward.It made me remember who I used to be before I was run over by the pathology train.

rickb89
rickb89
7 years ago
Reply to  deedee

I love this story!

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  rickb89

Beautiful story. Appreciation from old flames is a balm on our battered hearts after the discard.
Parting words from my ex before the traitor came back to me after 12 years to remind me that I am nothing like what the traitor says I am.

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
7 years ago
Reply to  deedee

Thank you for sharing such a lovely and poignant story–you brought a tear to my eye and a lump to my throat.
Beautifully written!

Cori
Cori
7 years ago
Reply to  deedee

Wow, had similar experience but never really had your insight…now I do..
Thank you for sharing…it was a timely share that encourages me.

Sausalito
Sausalito
7 years ago
Reply to  deedee

Lovely story, thanks for sharing.

MsMeh2016
MsMeh2016
7 years ago

I bought a beautiful new and expensive bed! I literally cried as I got in it. Then as it was near Christmas I bought myself some expensive lingerie ?

Soyouseeit2
Soyouseeit2
7 years ago
Reply to  MsMeh2016

Can i get in it ?

mickeyblueeyes
mickeyblueeyes
7 years ago
Reply to  MsMeh2016

Expensive bed, Lingerie! Sounds like you need only one more ingredient for a great night in! Go Girl!

You Deplete Me
You Deplete Me
7 years ago
Reply to  mickeyblueeyes

An ingredient with a really big…battery!

SolteraOtraVez
SolteraOtraVez
7 years ago
Reply to  You Deplete Me

Exactly what I was thinking!!! ???

MightyMamaof2
MightyMamaof2
7 years ago

After dday numero 2, and starting a new job literally a week later, I picked up my boys and moved an hour away to a little apartment away from everything I knew. Mind you they were 3 and 5 months at the time. There were so many eye opening moments. The first day, being terrified I would give up and go back. Watching these kids scream and cry at their new daycare was heart wrenching. I remember just thinking – keep swimming, fake it till you make it. The drives back from their dads where they would cry for an hour in the car screaming I want dada. The day I filed and served my ex with papers, semi expecting tears and apologies and begging, only to be met with all the ways I was terrible and how there better never be another man around his boys? Haha true story.

Then last December, I randomly said fuck it and took both boys with me to target to buy Christmas decorations. I had never taken them both out anywhere before, because I really thought it would be a nightmare and I would lose my sanity. Surprise, just like everything else – it wasn’t that bad. They did great. Here I am walking around target with a baby in the cart and a toddler hanging on the side singing Christmas carols at literally the worst time of the year to be attempting these first time shenanigans. It was at that moment that I was like – I can do this. Wait, I AM doing this.

Additionally, for shits and gigs… the baby is teething right now so I’ve been getting very minimal sleep. Maybe 3 hours a night. But you know, coffee and will power go a long way the next day at work. So this has been going on for about 3 weeks. Every wknd they were with their dad during this time, he would text me at like 3am complaining how he wasn’t getting any sleep and could I come get them so he could catch up on sleep. Hahahhahah awwwwww must be hard having to actually parent. I didn’t respond and the messages that followed shall forever live in infamy. Message 1: So you’re just going to ignore me? Message 2: I know you don’t care about me and just want me to be miserable but I’m seriously so tired. Message 3: why won’t you come off your high horse and help me? Message 4: Merry Christmas, bitch.

I just sat there and watched the channels flip between self pity, manipulation and rage/disrespect. And for the first time I could see it for exactly what it was. He didn’t get a response.

Needless to say, I believe I have finally arrived at the island of Meh and let me tell you – the view is beautiful.

I’ve said it a million times, but this website and your book have been life savers. The strength this community provides is unmatched. I will never be able to say thank you enough.

dsk1967
dsk1967
7 years ago
Reply to  MightyMamaof2

Awesome story. Congrats!!

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  MightyMamaof2

MightyMamma, the island of Meh is your kingdom! Or Queendom…

ChumpionoftheWorld
ChumpionoftheWorld
7 years ago
Reply to  MightyMamaof2

Inspiring story MightyMamaof2. The discovery of my wife’s boyfriend hit when my kids were both over age 16.

Cheating (as we all know) sucks, but I have a more special place in hell for cheaters ( men in this circumstance) who cheat with a pregnant wife or with toddlers and babies. Seriously, fuck that guy and all those guys.

ANC
ANC
7 years ago

My asshat began cheating when my daughter was 18mths (22yrs ago) and I definitely know also when I had my youngest two throughout their ENTIRE lives. I’m sure there’s a lot of other stuff thrown in that I will never know. Never using protection on his part and still using me as a recepticle throughout the marriage.

What IS it with these twats who do this? My gut really screamed during the last pregnancy that I was being trapped, set up and schackled to an asshole. I spackled over that feeling. I would never wish my kids away. They are great. I do wish I had never had children with the fucker. But then again I would have never had the terrific kids I do have now. What I have assured my kids over and over is that just because their dad is a mental mess, it does not mean they are also a mess. Nature vs Nurture. I am very very thankful that for all of my kids, their key developmental years did not include a lot of ‘dad time’. He was too busy leading his double life.

ANC
ANC
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

I can’t write! Basically, the asshole I married was always cheating. Didn’t matter if I was in a state of gestation or early child care. The fucker simply lead a double life, all the while complaining I wasn’t meeting his needs. During that period of my life it was hard to even meet my own basic needs like showering, sleeping and eating on top of sexy times with a selfish mofo. I was a married single person.

Giddy Eagle
Giddy Eagle
5 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Ditto! I still can’t friggin believe that he had a child with me AFTER he was cheating! I want to say “who does that?” but after a couple of years on this site I realize a lot of men do… (and some women too, I suppose.)

I remember being struck with a “huh?” response when he said that having a child would mean that we would be in each other’s lives forever. Duh! He qualified by saying that if we should ever divorce… I guess I missed the red flag there! I wrote it off to the fears associated with being a child of divorce…

We split after DD#2. As I pieced things together and realized he had a double life for most of our marriage, I asked him why he had a child with me when he was already cheating. His response? “I was afraid you’d leave me.”

Huh? Oh yeah, I was making more than 2x what he was and he didn’t want to give up the lifestyle.

I hate that the abuse was so manipulative that I didn’t recognize it as abuse. I felt lonely in my marriage, but didn’t realize I was being emotionally abused. I gave up 28 years to this man — strike that — boy. I realize now that his ego wanted to project himself as a successful man — it was much more satisfying that accepting love from the woman who believed in him, supported him, and encouraged him since he was straight out of college. Sigh…

Giddy Eagle
Giddy Eagle
5 years ago
Reply to  Giddy Eagle

Oh yeah, the moment of mightyness? It’s been 2.5 years and I haven’t had it yet.

I’m in the midst of a late mid-life crisis, trying to decide what I want for the last third of my life…

Bel
Bel
7 years ago

Amen to that! Ex thanked me for having the baby he always wanted by getting hookers while I was pregnant. Unreal

getting real
getting real
7 years ago
Reply to  Bel

Mine too. At least when I was home with a 4 month old. First of many over the past three years. I’m dead sure he did it while I was pregnant too. I look back and all the pieces fall into place.

mighty me
mighty me
7 years ago
Reply to  Bel

Mine too, Bel.

Grateful
Grateful
7 years ago
Reply to  MightyMamaof2

Awesome!

Chris W.
Chris W.
7 years ago
Reply to  MightyMamaof2

Isn’t it SO rich that these Assholes cheat and bring another OW in the picture, but they’re the first ones to scream, “you better never bring another man around my kids”, when they probably introduced the OW even before any separation or divorce happened. The double standard is just mind boggling.

Katbug
Katbug
7 years ago
Reply to  Chris W.

I second that CW! My ex said he didn’t want “me bringing some asshole around our kids” …. I said “No problem, wouldn’t want someone like their own father for sure…”

rickb89
rickb89
7 years ago
Reply to  MightyMamaof2

Awesome

Marybeth
Marybeth
7 years ago
Reply to  rickb89

I truly honor all who have kids are going through the divorce miseries. I don’t have kids and it’s been a serious struggle.
My first Mothers Day after my dear mom passed and I had been dumped, was truly heart wrenching. I went to lunch by myself, near tears the entire time. I had lost my anchors in life. I must have looked as bad as I felt because I discovered the family next to me had paid for my meal. It was comforting knowing that there are still caring people. The act of kindness did bring tears and although very broken at that time, I knew I’d be ok someday.

WishTuesCameSooner
WishTuesCameSooner
7 years ago
Reply to  Marybeth

Oh my God Marybeth your post touched me. You are mighty. Keep on keeping on. I wish you and me the best on this journey. That was a sweet thing that family did. And it is nice to hear that there are decent people still out there who are caring. Even if the person we most trusted in the world turned out to not be. Blessings to you and positive energy also.

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
7 years ago
Reply to  MightyMamaof2

Baby teething: Icy little teething toys help to sooth the gums and when they chew them it stops the pain. So they chew more, and the tooth cuts through, and voila: baby tooth!!! Baby aspirin helps, too.

Good luck and I hope you get some sleep soon.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Soldiering On

Frozen waffles are also great! Your story was beautiful. Your kids are very lucky to have such a together mama!!

2nd Gen Chump
2nd Gen Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

A little whisky, applied to the gums of the afflicted parent, also help soothe the pain.

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
7 years ago
Reply to  2nd Gen Chump

Nothing like a nice hot toddy! Primo First Aid!

UnknownComic
UnknownComic
7 years ago
Reply to  MightyMamaof2

There’s a special place in heaven for the single parents who get through this with young children. You are such an inspiration. God bless you!

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  MightyMamaof2

I love everything about your story! The series of texts are hysterical. And you ignoring him. Absolutely amazing. Completely mighty. Welcome to parenting, asshole. Most of us do it every single day – and night.

carmel
carmel
7 years ago

too right. welcome to parenting fuckwit. what an arsehole. also, am super impressed about the non responses. i can easily do that now (8 months later) but when it was fresh i was replying like a mofo. just making things worse for myself by engaging in his bullshit.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  MightyMamaof2

Mighty mama
Your description of going to the store with two little ones was amazing. Your whole post almost moved me to tears.
Well done you.

Kay
Kay
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

I remember going to the grocery store with mine when they were 3 and 6months. While I was getting my two kids out, a single man came into the parking lot; parked; went into the grocery store and then came back out with a bag before we were even inside!! Your story moved me to tears also! You doing something so special. Thank you for this sweet post.

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  MightyMamaof2

That is amazing. I am in awe. You did what my heart told me to do 11 years ago – pick up my small kids and go. I find your story inspiring and a special gift to all chumps with young kids.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
7 years ago
Reply to  MightyMamaof2

He would text you at 3 am to say he couldn’t sleep?!? The entitlement of these nitwits knows no bounds. I am so impressed by your ability to ignore his idiocy!

I am wishing you many solid nights of sleep without teething woes (and worse, stupid cheater woes) this year!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

Yes, what does he think? That the teething baby only cries for him? Unf***ing believable.

theotherwhitemansburden
theotherwhitemansburden
7 years ago

Mine came while cooking for friends a couple of months after D-Day. A couple of friends invited themselves over. I turned the music and the stove on. And then my youngest asked if he could teach me to waltz. We failed, I guess, at that, but that little moment reminded me how much I had: friendship, kids, and an intact ability to enjoy life. It was the first time I felt that I would recover — and started to suspect that I could and perhaps would be happier than before.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

You *will* be happier than before TOWMB. Cluster B’s homes are rarely a place of love, ease, and warmth. That is what I love best about my freedom, too–my daughters’ friends know they are welcome here, some extra pets were acquired after I filed, and my house is chaotic but filled with warmth.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Same here. I was talked into a dog by my then eleven year old. X never wanted one, and I was perfectly content with our cat. But I jumped off the cliff and we adopted our dog, who has been more therapeutic to all of us than I ever could have dreamed. I adore him.

When X texted that he would be fine with the dog coming on visits with our son, I realized that like everything else, he only wanted things on his schedule. And only as long as he wanted to deal.

I told him that was never going to happen, and he called me bitter.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago

Join the Bitter Bunny Club.
We laugh a lot!

theotherwhitemansburden
theotherwhitemansburden
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

So good to hear that, Tempest. It’s true that coming out of the heavy fog of relationships like we have feels doubly happy — like feeling finally healthy and whole after a long illness.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

Good analogy–we did suffer a long illness. May take awhile to get full strength back, but now we are healthy.

coolbreeze
coolbreeze
7 years ago

I am still early in this process, but can say my mightiest moment so far was when my focus changed from, “how can we make this work and get our marriage back” to “prove to me why I should even be willing to keep you around”.

The first few months after d-day I was the person on Amazon buying every book, trying to figure out how we could save our marriage. I finally said – wait one darn minute. I am a great wife. I have been faithful, supportive, kind, and I didn’t once punch him in the face after d-day – even though everything in me wanted to karate chop him in the throat. If we simply ‘fix’ this marriage – he gets the faithful, loving, supportive, always by my side whenever I f*ck up wife and I get the guy that finally decided to stop jacking off to porn for a few hours every week. Nope, not at all an even exchange.

I have since flipped the script – both in my head and out loud. I deserve a whole lot better and I would rather have what I deserve or nothing at all. It was like we were both going to put time and energy into saving something, but he would end up with a mansion and I was getting a shack that was infested with terminates, had fire damage, and the roof leaked. All kinds of “nopes” followed.

That change in my mentality has been so amazingly gratifying.

GorillaPoop
GorillaPoop
7 years ago
Reply to  coolbreeze

My stbxh asked me for an open marriage. I said, “and what do I get out of it?” He couldn’t think of anything. I asked him what he gets out of an open marriage. He laughed and said “All the things” with his arms stretched out wide. I declined that fetching offer.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  coolbreeze

I think you’ll find you got your own mansion!

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  coolbreeze

I love this, Coolbreeze. Way to flip the script! You definitely would have gotten a rotten deal. I’m so glad you are seeing your worth!

Post-Chump
Post-Chump
7 years ago

I went halfway around the world to New York. By myself. I got the old me back. I felt young and strong and independent… all those things I had going for me before I met him, back when I was 18. I didn’t feel myself slipping away from that in the 17 years we were together. It was so gradual. By the time I had kids and was in the throws of motherhood, barely keeping my head above the washing piles and the massive expectations I had put on myself, I was well and truly lost.

But New York. That was brave. Now this bravery has led me to a new career (as a counselor) and mightiness.

I’m proud of who I am now. Five years post d-day. Thanks NYC.

Newlady15
Newlady15
7 years ago

I can’t pin down a specific thing. It was more a gradual buiding. My counsellor took 4 months to get me to the point where I could say I was abused. It took 14 months and. $30000 to get him to finally sign a separation agreement. It was actually very early on that I told him right to his face that I didn’t want him back(this after affair #2 with 4 years of pick me dancing after affair #1–that I found out about ). It’s a realization that it is likely he was unfaithful before that..he didn’t just decide to be unfaithful 30 years in..Mightiness really ensued once my business turned around and I knew I could support myself financially followed by getting the mortgage I was seeking(due to him blowing hakf of our life savings so thus needing a mortgage). The house is now officially mine. This is now 14 months since the discard. Meh–and the divorce, are around the corner …? And thanks to CL and CN in helping me on this journey.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

Hmmm! Sounds familiar! I took out a huge 401k Loan which I spent 5 years after the divorce paying back. NEVER AGAIN. So we learn… Don’t even ASK me about my retirement. OFF LIMITS…

hopiumrecovery
hopiumrecovery
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

Likewise Peaky. Will never touch my 401k again unless it is for me. They are so convincing. Durt convinced me to put an offer on a house so he could have a project to work on “for us.” I found out he picked out the house with the slut puppet (note to cheaters, don’t tour your hoped for fuckpad with the slut before your wife sees it. The realtor may indicate you viewed the property with a much younger “girl”).

Chumpy me did as I was told anyway (I was crazy, they weren’t together) but came to my senses within the 4 week contingency that I had to accept an offer on a different rental I owned that was “too far away” for the lying serial cheater. In the mean time, I had borrowed significantly from my 401k in prep to buy this place out right. Instead, I used it to pay credit cards, but was very much impacted by all this at settlement time. Never again.

mighty me
mighty me
7 years ago
Reply to  hopiumrecovery

mine was relentless in lobbying me to buy real estate and to leverage it to the max. i finally wore down and bought “us” an expensive house I didn’t like thinking it would stop his real estate frenzy. Didn’t work. I think now it was all a campaign to convert my separate property to community. And to make him feel like a big shot mogul. And then there was the cute realtor who seemed to have nothing but time to show him hundreds of houses he was never gonna buy.

Patsy
Patsy
7 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

Whats with them and blowing savings????

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
7 years ago
Reply to  Patsy

Because they really, truly believe it is just theirs to blow. You just rent from them. They are in charge. Of everything.

Other Kat
Other Kat
7 years ago
Reply to  Patsy

Being disordered and irresponsible with money seems to be one of the major hallmarks of narcissism and PDs in general.

Newlady15
Newlady15
7 years ago
Reply to  Patsy

Cause they can!! Mine just had me sign for a $500000 line of credit on our house which he proceeded to blow on his failing business(every time I asked he had stock to cover the debt–NOT!!) my biggest regret is letting him stay long enough to do that to me…

whodoesthat
whodoesthat
7 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

Yep mine too ! Plus the kids savings spent . springs to mind : what’s yours is mine and whats mine is my own …. Total entitlement.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

Ugh. Cheaters are such assholes. So sorry. Mine pushed and pushed for a HELOC (home equity line of credit) too. You know I made him pay that whole thing off as part of the MSA (marital settlement agreement). No way that debt was going to be part of the equation. No.

validated
validated
7 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

Now xh kept trying that last year to get me to sign for a home equity loan too, I kept saying nope through the channels he tried to work every few weeks. Finally I said let’s sell the house and split the equity and you can do whatever you want with your share of it. Oh, and get divorced too.

Sweetz
Sweetz
7 years ago
Reply to  validated

That is EXACTLY what X tried to do to me also Validated…to the tee. I also offered to sell the house and spit equity and go our separate ways, but he then said that the boys would lose their home if we did that. So I offered him $25K cash at the end of each year for a total of eight years (because he destroyed our credit with Bankruptcy several years ago). His business was doing poorly…the ca$h was sooo appealing, so he agreed. He will piss it away each year…rinse, repeat. Not my problem.

validated
validated
7 years ago
Reply to  validated

But New Lady, if I hadn’t already seen a sister go through her now xh draining the family assets through the home equity loan, I may not have withstood the pushing either. That’s what I meant to write, not to crow over anyone.

Kelli
Kelli
7 years ago

I changed the locks….with a butter knife! The only screwdrivers I had were of the vodka variety. It took about 2 hours, but I did it!

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  Kelli

Love this @Kelli
I did lots of home repair with impromptu tools as well, have to use what you have on hand.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  Kelli

This is my favorite thread of the whole week!!! ?

Freckles Are Beautiful
Freckles Are Beautiful
7 years ago
Reply to  Kelli

Best mighty moment yet! You didn’t wait around like some damsel in distress. You just went for it!! I’ve done lots of home repairs with a butter knife, LOL. There are always like nine of them in the drawer when your one flathead screwdriver goes missing.

rickb89
rickb89
7 years ago
Reply to  Kelli

Lol

CharityFroggenhall
CharityFroggenhall
7 years ago
Reply to  Kelli

I love this! Good for you!

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago
Reply to  Kelli

That’s awesome! It’s not often anymore that you find people attempt something that they have no idea how to do. You did it and that’s impressive!

theotherwhitemansburden
theotherwhitemansburden
7 years ago
Reply to  Kelli

Ha! Changing locks with a butter knife is being mighty! I took my wedding ring off with lube I had lying around for my vibrator. Nothing else seemed to work, and the lube, like your butter knife, did the job just fine, thank you.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago

Definitely the laugh of the day! A Chump’s WD-40. Thanks, TOWMB!

JeepTess
JeepTess
7 years ago

Oh shit theotherwhitemansburden!!! 😀

Way to diversify girl!!! 😀

Thank you for the belly laugh!

Marci
Marci
7 years ago
Reply to  JeepTess

When I changed the locks, it was 11pm and I paid a premium for a 24 hour locksmith to come over.

When I apologisd for calling him out at such an hour, he said, no problem, this is pretty common in breakups. He had some other useful suggestions like ‘make sure you you also change your key hiding place’ and ‘take him off the voting register for this address so he can’t scam another locksmith into letting him in”. Turns out he did try to scam his way back in, because I got a call from the police asking if a certain ‘Mr. cheater’ lived with me. It seems the second locksmith acted decently and turned him in when he tried it.

Cheaters not only steal time and love but they are also often prone to deception of all kinds. The answer is zero contact and zero trust.

paula
paula
7 years ago

Oh how I love this post! Now that’s a way to take off your wedding ring!!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Kelli

If you changed the locks with butter knives after vodka screwdrivers, I’m even more impressed!

ChumpedToTheMax
ChumpedToTheMax
7 years ago
Reply to  Kelli

i changed the locks by myself too, i did a lousy job, but they worked and i felt great. the x was so mad, he accused me of having someone come over and change them for me, he was trying to tell everyone that i had a lover because i couldn’t possible do it myself, ha!

heissobroken
heissobroken
7 years ago
Reply to  Kelli

Hahahaha – love this! You rock Kelli!!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  Kelli

YES!

Renewed
Renewed
7 years ago

It hit me one morning at breakfast with my grandkids. They love to sing and so do I. When I’m happy there is always a song in my heart. As a kid my dad would sing on Sunday morning. I remember the comforting melodies that would fill our home as he prepared for church. Well not long ago I was singing with my grandkids the song “He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands” when I was overtaken with emotion. Tears were streaming down my face, I could barely finish chumps. The emotions, the memories all came back and I felt joy! It was at that momement I didn’t feel alone in this struggle and I knew everything would be ok, including me.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Renewed

Very powerful

UXworld
UXworld
7 years ago

When I starting talking about what had happened.

To my parents, to my sisters, to my cousins . . . To anyone who’d always had my back and who genuinely cared about my health and well-being.

As tough as it was in the beginning to admit to what was happening, I started seeing the situation through their eyes. And that helped me see the truth and reality of it, as opposed to the “how can I save this” narrative that I’d been focused on for so long. (Very much along the line of what @coolbreeze says above.)

Working It Out
Working It Out
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

When I stopped tryin to save the marriage, told him one of us had to leave. He did. Then I told my siblings and other who were important to me. Fortunately, I never experienced the financial issues. His household contribution continued on time throughout the mess.

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Seeing everything through someone else’s eyes was a huge step in recovery for me.
Another was to imagine myself as an outsider watching a friend or stranger being the subject of what I was experiencing. I asked myself, if that were someone I cared about how would I feel? what thoughts would I have?
They weren’t the same thoughts I was having for myself.
With that I then adjusted my thinking.
Abuse is unacceptable, I deserve better.
No more excuses for his abuse, blaming myself, pretending he didn’t mean it or it didn’t happen.
Again I thought, if I were an outsider witnessing his arrogance and brutal lack of respect for me
what would I be thinking?
His behavior is a reflection of who he really is, which is nothing like the John Boy, charming, fun, empathetic gentleman, all around great guy he portrays to outsiders.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

It does help to see our situation through other people’s eyes. Although I moved into the guest bedroom immediately after D-day, and considered myself separated, there was a lot of pressure on me to forgive an affair from 8 years earlier (the only affair I knew about at the time). My college daughter said, “Mom, he lied to you for 8 years,” and that made me realize the dynamics of the relationship were pathological and not worth saving.

Onward_chump
Onward_chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

“He lied to you for 8 years”. Excellent! So true. I’m in a similar boat, Tempest, and so I feel like I’m in the minority of CN. I didn’t catch my ex in the middle of it. I learned about it long after it ended. I too felt the pressure because “well. he ended it himself”. “You need to learn forgiveness”. “It was a mistake and so you need to move forward”. Blah blah blah…and those gems weren’t from the ex either. Seriously, what is going on with society? Are WE the freaks? smh

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  Onward_chump

Onward, I felt the same way, living in the world of Zombies.
I didn’t know definitely if X was cheating, discovered later he had ben. X left and filed leaving me on Mother’s day feeling stunned. I heard some of the most callous remarks such as, “you had to have known, ” or “he wanted someone he had more in common with,” 25 years in a relationship and 20 married, a child, a home, all that life entails in all those years.
Are you telling me our 25 years together is insignificant compared to a woman he recently met in a hotel bar? “more in common” they both enjoy watching South Park and like to run marathons. Two months after X moved out I was standing on the front porch with my brother as the meter reader guy walks past, we say hello, as he walks away my brother turns to me and asked “is he single,” I didn’t know and wasn’t interested. Then lectures me on getting on with my life.., wtf..,

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Onward_chump

Bottom line is he gave himself permission to CHEAT! abuse, lie to you, etc. It’s not ok, no matter when it happened! I learned about an affair that happened 2 years before. It’s crazy when you look back to that time and try to figure out what was happening in life then. For me, I was having fun on a trip to see his brother in Atlanta, completely oblivious to the assholery. Silly me let it go and got married only to find out he’s texting a different girl at 1am in the morning. My final empowerment jolt came after he completely embarrassed me in front of my next door neighbor. My next door neighbor’s brother had just broken up with this girl who was at our neighbors house. My XH went with me to the house and started commenting on her huge breasts, etc. I apologized profusely and XH is lucky he didn’t get an a– whooping. Long story short, I told him we were through. 7 years of a sham. So glad it’s over, but too bad ChumpLady wasn’t around then. I still had some lessons to learn… Glad I’m here now in Chump Nation… Saved me.

Fighting Chumpiness
Fighting Chumpiness
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

My stbx had a 10 month affair, confessed, I stayed and did the pick me dance, and all that entailed, to find out that a year after that he had ‘one more time’ encounter, a kiss and that was it, then lied to me for 2 years saying he was faithful and thought we were reconciling. There is much much more to my story, but that I just could not wrap my mind around…that I was supposed to get over that after all that was done and promised…ugh.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Onward_chump

OnwardChump–if you know about an affair from years ago that he ended, I suspect you only know a fraction of what he has done. After I divorced my cheater, people & other evidence came out of the woodwork to indicate that the (a) “eensy weensy” affair he’d had 8 years prior was MUCH worse than he had told me (e.g., he let the bitch stay in the room to hear the phone call asking me for a divorce before he changed his mind), and (b) a tale of serial cheating that would was so tawdry, it would shock even Jerry Springer.

If, and that is a big if, your cheater only had that one affair, he violated trust and loyalty. A one-month affair requires so many lies to you, and about you, that he could never be trusted again. That was my reasoning; I don’t want to be married to someone who could do something that breaks me. Tales from other CN members about forgiving their spouses after betrayal only to have the spouse cheat again 5, 10, 20, 30 years later solidified my resolve. Was I going to reconcile only to go through this again a decade later? Hell, no.

Lastly, I suspect you (like me) had been tolerating a whole lot of subtle (or not so subtle) emotional abuse from the cheater prior to D-day. Infidelity + poor treatment = perfect justification for saying buh bye, loser. Hugs to you!

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Yes, when I stopped covering for him and hiding “our” terrible secret bearing the burden alone and isolated. Telling everyone helped me to heal. I am not good at hiding things. So many people were so supportive.

UnknownComic
UnknownComic
7 years ago

Ditto!

violet
violet
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

For me, it was when I could finally stop obsessing about what happened. For a very long time, X’s infidelity was the first thing I thought about when I woke up and the last thing I thought about when I went to bed. It defined me for far too long. With the help of many people, CL included, and the passage of time, it is now just one chapter in my book; it’s no longer the book. Last night, I was at a dinner, seated next to the wife of one of the reporters who wrote a front page article about X’s shenanigans (I was one of the “lucky” people who was in a so-called high profile marriage). She was so apologetic about what he had written and kept telling me how much he hated having his name on the byline of the story. I could truly tell her that I knew he was just doing his job. There was a time I would never have said that, because I was so angry about having my private life on display. Six years later, I really do not care. I no longer give a damn about what complete strangers think of me and I no longer feel any responsibility for X’s bad decisions.

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago
Reply to  violet

Violet, thank you for sharing! I can’t imagine to have the BS publicized. It’s hard enough to deal with it without the public crap being involved. I know exactly how you felt and your story gives me hope! I am still thinking about the marriage and past all the time. I really want it behind me and not thinking about it. It’s work and I force myself to think about other stuff. I so look forward to the day it isn’t even a thought. Just this week I’ve had 2 dreams about it. First ones in months. At least they were me being pissed and telling her exactly what I thought about her and what she was. I look forward to the day i’m at your point. I’m almost 2 years in and know not to rush things. Amen not caring about what others think as well. I’m there finally and it’s not just words anymore. If you like me that’s good and if not that’s all good as well. Really! Hope your life free of the ass continues to become awesome!

UnknownComic
UnknownComic
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

Lost,

One of the things that really help me to stop cycling onthe past was the book, “the power of now” by Eckhart tolle. Check it out if you want a new way to approach things. it’s life-changing. I got the audio version because I spend a lot of time in the car but I have given the paperback version to others and it really helped them.

CRHCHK
CRHCHK
7 years ago
Reply to  UnknownComic

+1

KathleenK
KathleenK
7 years ago
Reply to  UnknownComic

Love love love that book….I highly recommend it to all chumps – clear path to peace.

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago
Reply to  UnknownComic

Thanks for the recommendation. I will order and read it. I have been working on now by making myself think of the things about today that I am grateful for in the morning and night. And there are many. I just seem to be moving slowly in the process of gaining a life for me now.

rickb89
rickb89
7 years ago
Reply to  UnknownComic

Yup, that book really helps

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  violet

I was MUCH slower in the “not obsessing” dept because of trickle truth…no sooner had I FINALLY gotten to a place of equilibrium over what I learned I then learned more and started all over again…I was REALLY bad at first…for the entire first year I quite literally thought of nothing else.

You are very mighty to have gotten to a place where you could sit next to that lady and no longer hold animosity towards her/him/the publicity. While it must have been horrifying to not have any control over your story getting out, were there any benefits (like maybe him not being able to deny things like they all try to do) to his feet being held to the proverbial fire?

Im glad you are doing so well and are mighty!

violet
violet
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

The biggest benefit was knowing the truth. He couldn’t hide behind some BS story, not that he didn’t try. The truth was there for all to see, me included. “Everybody knows,” as Leonard Cohen so eloquently wrote. I had no choice but to accept the fact that my X had betrayed me in the most fundamental way. The rest of it was total nightmare. I always tried to protect my kids from that side of our lives, perhaps naively so.When you are even remotely “prominent”, there is no such thing as a private life and I believe that is, for the most part, a good thing. It was tough on the kids, though, and some of them have not fully recovered.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago

I think in addition to all the “little things” to get myself back, the pivotal point for me was when I truly….

-Accepted what has happened.

-Accepted that it wasn’t my fault that she cheated.

-Accepted that I did everything possible to keep my marriage together. I turned every stone!

-Accepted that continual ruminating would kill me.

-Accepted that I can have a great life being divorced.

-Accepted that starting NO CONTACT was doing wonders for me.

-Accepted that my life has been so much better without her.

-Accepted that I am loved.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago

For me it was “Accepted I could have a great life being divorced”
That happened less than a month after D-Day when a friend asked about my health. (25 pound loss in about a month on the infidelity diet) I told her what happened and she sat me down and told me she had been through the same thing just a year before we met. I never knew. I looked at her life now, full of joy and happiness and I knew I could do that too.

rickb89
rickb89
7 years ago

That’s a great list!

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago

🙂 That is one awesome list.

magui
magui
7 years ago

it is exactly how I feel. and I did’nt know!! thanks..this is the moment….im smiling right know after 5 months of the d-day…

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago

For me it all changed when I found this site for the second time. I had passed it briefly on week one or two after ddays (I still cannot remember so much of those days, just random memories of horror and shock). I went and asked Suzy a lot but she seemed quite forgiving. When I hit CL for the first time I couldn’t square my experience with the site. Who are these people who sound so terrible? My cheat has made a mistake, in a fog, after hitting middle age, drowning in dopamine, being all exuberantly defiant.
I can’t remember the second time I came back.
I just remember I had come from days of reconciliation websites and reading books I had ordered and was just so exhausted. I was fine with the general picture they gave of the trauma of discovery but was hitting a huge brick wall when it came to taking any step towards moving forwards.
Then I read CL and it was like someone switched on all the lights inside my head. This person was on my side, she sees this pain, she understands the shock and terror and just hopeless confusion. And she hates him as much as I do. She gets how much I hate him but need him and love him.
And she swears. Brilliant. So I read and read and read here and clung on to this site for dear life as I waded through the shitstorm. Ordered the book and all became a bit clearer. Went on infidelity Help Group and loved them too but the lack of swearing made it less useful. Less cathartic. I was reading actual lived experience on CL that matched what I was feeling inside. It fitted like a glove and I was home. I felt empowered.
And forewarned. And protected. And understood. And also the humour gave me such a jolt of sheer joy every day. I was as traumatised as I have ever been but this site made me laugh.
I knew then I would probably make it. My good days now outnumber the bad by quite a few. My bad days are no longer the black holes of pain that they once were. I just know to keep going, ride the waves and keep my chin up.
This site keeps me steady like a new foal trying to walk. I re-read stuff when I need it, post when I feel I can contribute or need help and learn, learn, learn from everything here.
This site was my jolt on the road to mighty. The most powerful gut feeling of ‘rightness’ I have ever had.

I’m going to stop there as I might just dissolve into a mass of soapy sentimentality here. Suffice to say most here know how much this site can mean to a person.

LiveForToday
LiveForToday
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Agree!

left him at the airport
left him at the airport
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

“And she swears. Brilliant!” Haha, you wrote that post so well, Capricorn, it could be the blurb for CL blog/book. My jolty moment was finding CL, too. I was lucky to have found her on the first night of internet searching – somehow, someway (I like to think of it as fate/divine intervention) from click to click to click, I happened upon the pot at the end of the rainbow that is the CL blog and forum. The swearing, THANK YOU!! I thought “damn, this shit just got real”. And I instantly had a warrior/big sista/bad bitch to look up to. I emailed CL that night. She emailed back!! I didn’t get it until the next day (because I’m on the other side of the world, night/day) when I was in the bank setting up a new account – I checked emails on my phone while I was lining up and there was a REPLY from this kick-ass woman! I could hardly believe it. From that point on I, like Capricorn, clung to CL and CN for dear life. I had a warrior and a cheer squad behind me. No shit – CL saved my life. I cannot IMAGINE what it would look like right now if I hadn’t found CL, and I don’t want to. I too have read and re-read posts when I need to. Reminded myself of certain things, just to keep in check (“don’t wait for an apology” is the post I go back to most often). Words will never express how grateful I am for CL and CN. I don’t know why this group/movement isn’t bigger. My dream would be to see CL become THE number 1 site that displays whenever somebody searches for anything to do with cheating. Because, like I said, I just happened upon the blog. Somehow I was lead to it through random and various clicks from site to site. Would be great if it was the number 1 option that displays when searching anything to do with cheating/infidelity. Hmmm, we need a Google insider to action this! Hahahahaha….. anybody here work for Google? ?

flutterby
flutterby
7 years ago

“And she swears. Brilliant” When I found CL I finally felt like the pieces of a puzzle that I had not had before. I had felt so bereft, so alone. I looked on the ric sites and all they had for me was to eat the shit sandwich, turn myself around and f*ing hope for the best (that cheater would see my awesome effort and come back). Did I want him back? Not in it’s (his) present shape, he is a pod person, a shark in human clothing. My common sense was screaming at me, he is no good for you, he disrespected you and the vows he made to you, on purpose and with purpose. How in the hell was I supposed to “fight” for him or want him to want to come back to me, if all I was going to get back was damaged goods? I was getting the usual thing from other women friends, you must forgive, if you don’t forgive you can’t have a “good life with your husband” crap. I already forgave his “first” EA, lol, he promised me, promised that he would not do “this” to me again, ever again. And what the hell does he do, the same damn thing again. I already went down that road, common sense would tell you that if they did it once and didn’t have any “real” consequences what was going to stop him from doing it again, his great character, and I still gave him a chance. Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice (with no consequences), shame on me.

rickb89
rickb89
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Agree

Giddy Eagle
Giddy Eagle
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Ditto! I could never say it so eloquently though. This is a life-saving community — brilliant, wise, genuine loving and supportive. Thank you so much to CL and the people who share their souls and wisdom here.

KathleenK
KathleenK
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Beautifully said Capricorn! Yes, it was the same for me – “someone switched on all the lights in my head.”
The peace I find here on CL has helped me daily. And it’s funny to find peace in the anger, but that’s how it is. The peace comes from the empowerment of not feeling alone and feeling completely understood by many many people. I also feel empowered by the clarity that CL has given me – I can speak to people in ways that they can understand. I use her turn of phrase and her logic to advocate for myself and to communicate with people much much more clearly.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Completely agree with you Capricorn. When I found CL after googling “infidelity emotional abuse” the emotional earthquake stopped and I was on steady ground again.

This statement of yours also resonated, “My good days now outnumber the bad by quite a few.”

Before I had found CL, I was reading “Shattered by My Husband’s Affair,” an articulate blog about the emotions of a woman who reconciled with her cheater. Eleven months out, she was still on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and then related that for the first time since D-day, her week had had more good days than bad. ” WHAAAATTT?????” I thought, “I have to wait 11 months to have more good days than bad?” Hell no. That was step 1, CL was step 2.

GorillaPoop
GorillaPoop
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Yeah, it took me a year after dday to recover from the affair while in the process of reconciling. 3 years later it happened all over again. This time I found CL, though. Luckily, I had been badass enough to demand a post nup, then spent the last 3 years getting my own financial life in order. Now that I kicked him out of the house, he is failing financially, and living off his parents, in their basement, while I’m taking the kids on fabulous vacations to help us bond and heal.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Our Dear Chump Lady is a champion of an advocate for our well being, and our fellow chumps are just as mighty. I, too, am so grateful for the huge community of good humans here, and for our undaunted champion who gives an immense amount of her time and energy to creating and holding this space.

Golfgrrl
Golfgrrl
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

If you haven’t been in IHG in a while, I can tell you the swearing is there! Lots of it!

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Yes, CN was my shelter from the shitstorm. A haven of mightiness!

Murphy Cee
Murphy Cee
7 years ago

My spouse, after our 25 year relationship, introduced his GF to our children a month after moving out. She was with them every minute all summer and I was seething with fury, jealousy, embarasment, sorrow and more.

In early August I was walking my dog and I got a text from him saying “Can I come over to talk” I asked about what and he said “us”. This was code for “things aren’t going well with my GF and I need to pull you back in”. I can’t count the number of times this happened during our marriage, and I always went along with it, grateful to have him back.

On this night though I replied “there is no us”. A few minutes went by and he texted “never mind’. It wasn’t the final text, it was the minutes in between that freed me. During those minutes he was thinking about how to get me back, how to make it all up and resume our relationship. When he finally texted “never mind” I knew I was done. I knew I was strong enough not to go back and now he knew it. The next day I bought a new (used) phone and got a new number which he does not have. I also changed my email address. I haven’t spoken to him since, and it is thoroughly empowering.

flutterby
flutterby
7 years ago
Reply to  Murphy Cee

Aww the baby got his wittle feeling hurt, “never mind”. x left me a voice mail, where he almost ends it with “I know you don’t care”, of course, I didn’t care, his whole message was about how his schmoopie left him for her husband. Karma bitch, that is what you deserved and that is what you get, Karma.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  flutterby

Seriously, do these cheaters view marriage as musical chairs? Sit in one chair one day, change the tune and sit in another chair, then back to the first chair?

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

People are just objects to them. Think about it==most of the time, we only sit in one chair or another either because of habit or availability.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  Murphy Cee

No Contact, the path to the truth and the light
This is a shining example

Merry Meh-hem
Merry Meh-hem
7 years ago
Reply to  Murphy Cee

Good for you! That is my next move: new phone and number. He still texts that he loves me, weekly. I just ignore it, but eventually I’ll have that new number.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Murphy Cee

Very inspirational. Thanks for sharing it.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Murphy Cee

Amazing and mighty..

UXworld
UXworld
7 years ago
Reply to  Murphy Cee

This is gorgeous. Simply gorgeous.

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago

My biggest empowerment jolt was when the lLimited implanted himself into my granddaughters family therapy session while she was getting support from multiple therapists earlier this fall.

I found out the night before and had a panic attack. I was told I didn’t have to go by her mother after taking off multiple days to attend. I have been co parenting her since birth. The Limited abandoned her for 2 1/2 years previously.

I challenged myself and decided to be there for moral support. Mind you this was not initiated by the therapist.

He was red faced and sat there wringing his hands repeatedly. She said NOthing. He squeaked out a I miss you and a vague utterance about how he DIDN’T know what happened to their relationship.

After the session my grandaughter said she coukd give a fuck about seeing him. Her mom later stated that I had the POWER to bridge them back together and I should do this. I refused stating the fact that I had no such power. I knew it was about triangukation as well as spackling his image. Those days are over.

I saw how pathetic he was and knew at that moment he was far in the rear view mirror demasked and out of my head.

ANC
ANC
7 years ago

I told the asshat to Get.Out.

Hey! That’s like the Amityville Horror except the horror was my marriage to a serial cheating naropath.

After the exorcism, people wanted to know what my secret was for renewed vitality. No joke. Those that are close to me knew. Those that suspected and wanted drama gossip received a missive on self-care 🙂 .

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

^^^ This. Action trumps all the self-talk!

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

You are mighty! I told mine to leave as well but took me another month of the mind games to finally cut her off from my life.

Kathy
Kathy
7 years ago

Everyone here is amazing. The replies to this post so far show how mighty you are.

My jolt came from something as simple as talking to people. After DDay and the fallout that comes from that….. I was trying to figure out why was it so easy to just talk to people…friends, strangers, etc. Why now? Conversation came naturally and it was fun.

With him, I used to be gripped by this fear of what I would say, what were they thinking about me, I was always so unsettled especially around “our” friends. He always let me know that everyone hated me, they only tolerated me because I was with him….after all he would tell me “he was wonderful and everyone loved him” and it was hard to disagree because wherever we went people would call out his name and come over to talk.

But without him ….I at first couldn’t understand why was it so easy to just talk to anyone, and the insecurities were gone, and I didn’t even worry about what to say, we would just talk. So I know it sounds really simple but it was a jolt and a very welcome one. Now and every day since I look forward to meeting people and love to talk to them because gaslighting is no longer a part of my life.

JC
JC
7 years ago

I visited my family. My sisters had scheduled a family week-long beach vacation in the Outer Banks.

Cheating wife and I hadn’t planned on attending. But after I’d already tried “scaring” my wife into fidelity by temporarily leaving her, I figured seeing family…solo…would give me some perspective. So I bought a plane ticket and flew out for a half-week visit.

Family and I didn’t much discuss my wife’s cheating. Some, yes. But really it was just a chance to get away. To think in a different atmosphere, surrounded by love (as opposed to manipulation, which was what my wife was offering at the time.)

Over the course of those few days, I accepted that my wife was likely fucking the OM while I was away (confirmed by my arriving back a few hours early to see her changing the sheets on our bed…five days after I’d last changed them.)

But I also accepted that I couldn’t change my wife. I couldn’t make her into someone else. Over the course of those few days with family, I first accepted that I could get divorced.

It took me another month to pull the trigger and actually leave my wife for good, file the papers, etc. And at the time, those few days with family did not feel “empowering” at all. I was treading water, frantically looking for any sign of the shore.

But looking back, I see that they were. They brought me through to new possibilities. Before then, I could only think of pain and anger, mixed with a toxic faith that we would somehow stay married. Afterwards, I began to consider the emotional, financial, and physical upheaval of being alone. It scared me, but facing that fear was the next necessary step, and I was taking it.

Aeronaut
Aeronaut
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

Awesome. And inspiring. Refreshing to see what a jolt of sanity one can get from being around good people who love you.

Marked711
Marked711
7 years ago

I’m not sure this one fits, but about 2 months after dday I went with my cousin and her family to see the Lego Movie. I almost wet myself laughing so hard. And I realized them that I hadn’t really laughed for a long time, and I knew I was back to being alive. Only an ember, but the fire to live again was kindled. It’s a moment I’ll never forget.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Marked711

“Everything is AWESOME!!” Loved it!

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

That’s my jam.

Marked711
Marked711
7 years ago

My jam as well. A classic.

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago
Reply to  Marked711

definitely fits. To feel joy and happiness is very empowering. They say laughter is the best medicine!

Patsy
Patsy
7 years ago

Mine was also slow, firstly it was the unconditional acceptance of a group of ladies who are much much older than me, have got to a stage in their lives where they understand baggage happens but it doesn’t define you, and know how to enjoy life.

The second thing was to truly understand that I am liked by people. I am not a bad person.

It was a slow process of acceptance and that this does NOT define me. At all. I trained for a job, went back to College, and really hope this is the year my business takes off as I market myself more.

ChumpedToTheMax
ChumpedToTheMax
7 years ago

I did’t handle the 3rd DDAy well. With his trickle truth, I didn’t get the whole story until months later and by that time I was sucked back in, but I wasn’t totally on board this time and I was telling friends and family, who supported me.

My big moment came when I went to a high school band reunion in my old hometown, alone. Everyone remembered the person I used to be, the musician and writer. No one knew this new weak, wobbly person that didn’t follow her dreams. They all still thought I was the same person I was 20 years ago.

That is when I saw the old me too. If thought if they are still playing music, why aren’t I? I picked my horn up and joined a local band. I started writing for wellness blogs. I found the person who I used to be and that person was confident and strong.

It still took time before I said the word “divorce” and I shook the whole time I was talking to a lawyer, but after 20 years of abuse, who wouldn’t be a basket case? I learned to be compassionate and patient with myself and slowly but surely, I got free of the abuse and cheating.

We all do things at our own time and pace. I went through the grieving process while the X was still in the house, living in another room, but it gave me time to get myself back together and be stronger to get through the divorce process, which he fought and dragged out of course.

Aeronaut
Aeronaut
7 years ago

I had a similar thing happen in a totally different realm. Tore my ACL in my mid thirties. Did the rehab, was basically healthy, but I was walking and running differently. Then I got my cleats on and started playing pickup soccer, and suddenly I was running the way I did when I was younger, and everything started to feel better. In my case, it’s likely muscle memory, but for you, I suppose, personality memory.
Play on! (For both of us, ….)

Dubious
Dubious
7 years ago

Well played!

PF
PF
7 years ago

Yup…I tried to save our marriage, two young kids and she convinced me that saving our family was her # 1 priority and that the move to another State was a fresh start for us all.

She wore the Queen of Remorse Crown, and the Infidelity Industry that supports cheaters was the cherry on top.

Turned out that she found new kibbles in a new State and she got away from a spouse of her other married guy loser that our children were classmates in school with.

My last D-day I showed her proof of continued cheating and my serious intention and that I was divorcing her. She went into hysterics and jumped from couch to couch gnawing and chewing on throw pillows while in fit that was surreal.

Update…. She recently married for the third time, her second marriage ended last year after less than two years. Shocker…hahaha….

Her third marriage of only a couple of months ago was officiated on the unkept lawn in the backyard and our kids were guilted in attending. Let’s say it was a Star Trek meets Games of Thrones theme wedding with a vegan taco buffet reception dinner and hand rolled joints and shots of whiskey for dessert.

The picture she posted on her fakebook of the official wedding photo in her in a spooky white lace dress and the groom in a black cape with fox fur lapel under a slapped together canopy of two by fours and dollars store plastic flowers is hilarious. My poor kids in the pic have forced smiles on their faces with frantic eyes toward the backyard exit. The funniest part is seeming my ex-in laws in mandatory slash Star Trek meets Games of Thrones polyester in curious blue colored robes in the Official Pic thinly smiling and eyes directed to the whiskey bottles at the edge of the buffet table.

I did not send a gift to her third marriage but was tempted to send a set of throw pillows but I am sincerely against cruelty to throw pillows.

Namaste Y’all

Have a feeling there’s a fourth marriage for my ex in the near future. I won’t even guess what that theme will be but I’m sure it will hilarious too.

m.twain
m.twain
7 years ago
Reply to  PF

OMG laughing!!!

Dubious
Dubious
7 years ago
Reply to  PF

Namaste to you too!

What I wouldn’t give just to get a peek at those pictures. ???

Hoping year two is the magic break-up threshold for my STBXW too!

Onward_chump
Onward_chump
7 years ago
Reply to  PF

omfg that is hilarious! Except for the forced smiles on the kids, of course. I feel for them.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  PF

I love the imagery, PF!

PF
PF
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest

The fakebook picture of my ex-wife’s third marriage is beyond anything the imagery of my description evokes.

My kids see she’s two nuts shy from a jar of peanut butter. They escaped the Star Trek- slash -Game of Thrones wedding and thanked me for being the sane parent in their life.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  PF

Always nice to hear when the kids get it.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  PF

Oh, this is awesome! Thanks SO much for sharing.

Donna
Donna
7 years ago

After a 1 year separation I finally stopped hyperfocusing on his extracurricular activities. It was not easy and took me months to dig myself out of the emotional pit of pain I was in. I started practicing self care. I workout everyday, eat clean, engage in hobbies and have reconnected with family. I’m in better shape than I was in my 30’s and I’m 55. I found myself again and my defining moment came when I realized I’m not responsible for his happiness anymore. It feels like a huge weight is lifted. I’m free!

Kris
Kris
7 years ago
Reply to  Donna

Donna, Your post inspired me. I’m 51. He doesn’t know it yet but I plan on leaving and to continue with the divorce after our house sells. (Our divorce is still pending. We put it on hold to see if we can fix our marriage.) Kids are grown and on their own. He cheated, I went back (still am) but things feel as though they are going back to how they were right before I found out about him cheating. I cannot seem to get past the affair(s). He says we need to move forward. In other words, forget they happened. He never has wanted to discuss why he “strayed”. I feel he just wants me to sweep in under the rug but I’m having a tough time and I’ve been back with him for 2 years!! I don’t think I want to live my life living with someone I can’t totally trust and maybe have this happen to me again! We just had our 30th anniversary. It was nothing special. I thought he would have made it more special considering what we went through. I consider him to be a narcissist which is probably how he “Romeo’d” me back. I fell for it but my eyes are more open now and I just feel exhausted and over it.

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago
Reply to  Kris

Kris, I so feel where you are! I, too, wreckonciled, only to see that my partner continued to take me for granted, want his transgressions swept under the rug, and not reciprocate the love and care I gave him. I made tons of efforts to forgive and to improve our relationship. He loved that, but never made any efforts of his own.

I stayed because we had young kids, and I did love him, but DDay #2, 6 years later, freed me.

It’s very sad to be in a relationship that you know will never feel loving and mutual, no matter what you do.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  Donna

Donna
That’s a huge thing isn’t it, to realise you are no longer responsible for their happiness which never seems to appear.
Enjoy your freedom!

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

I have to add that in addition to their happiness, we allow ourselves to not be responsible for their choices either. I always hoped that by talking sense into my cheaters, they would see that what they were doing was costing them someone truly loving, supporting them, being loyal to them, etc. Then there comes a point in time where you stop trying to protect them from themselves and let the chips fall where they may and apply the consequences that should have happened long ago. There is where the regrets come in. Not applying consequences sooner. Oh how we learn…

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

I like this, PB!

Waffles
Waffles
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Ah, the classic you no longer MAKE me happy. OP MAKES me happy … until they don’t. Then comes the next, the other next and the tertiary next. OW5 is still hanging in there, 8+ years later, MAKING xhole happy. Except when she doesn’t. 😉

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago

For me, others confirmed my mightiness at just the right moment. When I badly needed encouragement just to continue, people would commend my strength out of the blue.

My lawyer made an off-hand comment about how gracefully I handled myself, an older person at work (who knew all the details) remarked that I handled myself with dignity, and a mom at church who had the same thing happen to her just wanted to let me know that my strength was impressive.

Such perfect timing. Exactly what I needed when I needed it. Healing is a personal journey, but others along the way help me move towards meh and continue to be mighty. What a blessing.

Aeronaut
Aeronaut
7 years ago

Angels walk among us, and they are us, too. Hugs.

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago

1st incident – she admitted the affair several years after I suspected it. within minutes i told her to find somewhere else to live.
2nd – I finally cut off the pick me dance. she lied to my face when i questioned a hotel charge on the credit card. said she needed to get out of mom’s house for a few days. guess what the hotel receipt i requested from the credit card showed? A/P’s name on room but my credit card number. I found my inner badass that day. went nc and separated all the financial assets. took her off my credit card with a huge credit limit and canceled all the joint accounts. She still tries to this day to get me to help her out. A year and a half later. Shoots me texts with various questions which always mean can I help her. Haven’t responded to one in the year and a half.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

Wow, what nerve! She had you pay for a room with AP’s name on it. Just horrible. Good for you for NC even when she still asks you to help her financially. They have no shame.

MsMachete
MsMachete
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

Yasssss.

David2016
David2016
7 years ago

Well, I’ll tell you: there really was no moment for me. It was just a long, brutally slow, years-long slog back to myself. Recovery came in subtle increments: Hey, I actually slept through the night for the first time in months! Hey, it’s been weeks since I burst into tears for no reason! I can enjoy a comedy again! I can be attracted to another woman again and not feel guilt! I think I’ve got this single dad thing down!

And so on. So, no real epiphanies other than occasional quiet realizations about how badly I was abused and vague pride that I made the decision to divorce. Five years later I don’t feel particularly mighty, but all the evidence indicates that I am 🙂

CloserToMeh
CloserToMeh
7 years ago
Reply to  David2016

You sound right mighty to me – good on you!

mickeyblueeyes
mickeyblueeyes
7 years ago
Reply to  David2016

Mighty you are ??

MsMachete
MsMachete
7 years ago

When HE told ME that MY behavior (knowing the truth) was making him question whether he was our daughter’s father.

Ya like that? Maybe *I* was cheating on *HIM*. Lolz.

(He was later diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, so the projection totally makes sense.)

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
7 years ago

So many.
1. The day I retained a great lawyer and got the house along with all the other shit I was entitled to in the divorce. He thought my weepy hand would just blindly sign his shitty deal….he was wrong.
2. The day I took my wedding bands off (weeks….hell, years) after him. I was at a red light leaving the grocery store alone in my car and just tossed them in my purse.no fanfare.
3. The day I sold that engagement ring and bought the dog he wouldn’t let me have. That dog in the last 7 months has brought me more love and laughter than him in 2 decades.
4. The first time I saw he was calling me and didn’t feel nervous…..just annoyed.
5. All the times my kids tell me they are proud of how I’ve handled myself.
I could do this all day…..the hardest and best journey I have ever taken.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Each one is an accomplishment!

heissobroken
heissobroken
7 years ago

My moment came when I realized I would have to sue the ex for child support and custody of our child. I wish someone would have hit me over the head with a 2 x 4 sooner. We had been separated for about 2 years and I slow played him for the information I needed (financials, what he wanted in the parenting plan etc.) for about two months acting like we would just be able to resolve things – it was painful to smile fuck him for that long until the very moment I had all required info and he was trying to bully me into meeting him at the court house for a stupid DRO (dispute resolution) that would only cover the child support aspect and was non-binding (I had already been talking with my lawyer the two months as I was gathering info) and I told him that the DRO would only cover the child support issues and I needed child custody figured out to and he promptly told me that “we would need to file with the courts” if I wanted custody addressed (he’d only been threatening me for 2 years to drag me to court every time he got pissed at me – which was often). It was a like the cat finally caught the canary moment – and I promptly emailed back and told him I had already filed for child support and child custody and had provided my lawyer with his address to have the documents served on him and “to seek legal advice in the regard”.

I wish I could have seen his face in that moment. This was the moment I knew I was going to get my life back and there was no looking back for me – I no longer feared him or felt he could manipulate me anymore. No contact is a blessing!

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago
Reply to  heissobroken

You are a bad ass!

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago

Mine seems so small, not mighty at all really. After I kicked him out the first time, I bought a pair of lampshades at Target. On clearance. $5 each. They were beautiful and colorful and floral and the first thing I purchased for my house without asking his opinion/ fearing his reaction/wanting his approval. I loved them and that was enough. I put them on the bedside lamps in my room. They look perfect. Fast forward through almost 3 years of wreckconciliations, continued affairs, disastrous marriage counseling and the lampshades are still with me. STBX is not.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
7 years ago

I don’t think the lampshades are small, either ?
I think they were your sense of self peeking out, and wondering ‘is it ok to come out, yet?’
I relished every small thing I brought home that made me feel like an individual! I was not his appendage! I had had to rediscover my style, and it could now show in my home, and how I dressed, even the car I drove! No more man-cave house for me. I’m sure it’s fine for some people, but they’re usually single guys. It’s very empowering to express yourself again, after many years of being scolded for it! I love your lampshades. Mine was a white pottery and teakwood lamp I found at a thrift store, that goes to each place I move, and it’s special to me!

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  FreeWoman

This is it exactly. Thank you.

Tessie
Tessie
7 years ago

Mine were two things. One was a metal sign that read “Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.” The other was a foot high statue if a baby triceratops sitting in egg fragments with the biggest joyful smile. They both still make me grin many years later.

Other Kat
Other Kat
7 years ago

I can totally relate! X has had a very successful career in the arts, which made him feel entitled to mock my “aesthetic sensibilities” and find reasons to veto any decisions I tried to make about furnishing or decorating our home.

I gave up after a few years, so it was empowering indeed to decorate my own home with colorful, vibrant rugs, wall hangings, and sentimental family knick-knacks that I’d kept hidden away. It took me a long time to stop listening to his voice in my head telling me all the reasons why something I wanted to buy for my home was an aesthetic “disaster.”

Early on in the separation he had to make his disdain known by asking me, “Exactly what aesthetic are you going for here?” I said, “Eclectic” and walked away, ending the conversation. That was the moment I realized that, for the first time since I deferred to his decision to pick out our china pattern during our engagement, I no longer cared to justify or defend my “aesthetic sensibilities” to him and cared even less what he thought about them.

Wren
Wren
7 years ago
Reply to  Other Kat

I have a very abstract Kandinsky print that my husband claimed portrayed female anatomy. I didn’t see it and hoped he wouldn’t spoil it for me. We took it down because he had a porn problem and still ogles women on the street. Thanks for letting me enjoy a piece of art, Deacon. Can wait to hang it again someday.

Susannah
Susannah
7 years ago
Reply to  Wren

I just went and looked at the Kandinsky prints under Google Images. I saw: houses, roads, boats, spaceships, horses, abstract people (they looked fully clothed to me), cities and strange psychedelic suns. I saw something which may or may not be breast-shaped, but made more sense as a hill in a landscape. Maybe hang it upside down, today? To symbolize new perspectives. 🙂

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago

LouisvilleFlower
Actually I think this is huge. Those two lampshades represent something much larger. It’s funny but I have started to buy things for the house and for myself that just feel different. It’s not like I couldn’t buy them before. He lived abroad mostly and never minded how I did the house anyway. But for some reason he was a huge block on my choices. I felt oppressed by him even though he wasn’t even physically there. It’s as if I deferred to him automatically even though he can rightly claim he never imposed any opinion on stuff I bought. I’m still not sure what this means other than the reasons why I felt unable to express myself before have now gone with him.
It’s odd for me. I have such a renewed pleasure in thinking of this as ‘my house’ (he will still be paying for it) and have started to find my style.
Just weird because it’s not as if he ever showed any interest and was generally approving. Maybe that’s it. Unconsciously I wanted his approval. Now I can just buy stuff I like.
And that, like the lampshades, speaks volumes.

thensome
thensome
7 years ago

I can relate to this. I used to worry that cheater would not like something I purchased for the house. In fact, slowly over time all the pretty things I liked in the home were put aside for his ugly art and uncomfortable furniture. When I got rid of him I started to put colour back into the home. I love it.

validated
validated
7 years ago

The moment I’m thinking of this morning, where I started getting myself back, was a couple months after I decided to divorce and was preparing the house to list for sale (lots of deferred maintenance). x left for work, I took the day off. A couple friends came over to help me tackle the family room where so much of his raging tantrums happened, scene of piles of x’s fiercely protected hoardings. They joked as they delved into them, we were laughing at x! It was so freeing for me. We found things he had accused me of discarding (“stealing”) years before. I felt ashamed of the filth and my fear, kibbles for x, but my friends didn’t care about any of that. They both thanked me afterwards for the satisfying chore and fun we had doing it.I still smile to remember how the energy in that room was turned around.

flutterby
flutterby
7 years ago
Reply to  validated

That’s awesome!!!

Survivor
Survivor
7 years ago

For me, it was the day the Fucktard grabbed the dry cleaning out of my hands, intending to lock it away in his office to punish me. Instead, he cut open my hand with a wire clothes hanger. I drove over to the police station and walked in the door dripping blood to report the domestic violence. The Fucktard scored a night in the pokey. I scored a restraining order, changed the locks and lawyered up. Buh bye, loser.

seripanther
seripanther
7 years ago
Reply to  Survivor

I’ve read this story before and I never get tired of it. It is the mightiest thing I have ever seen.

Survivor
Survivor
7 years ago
Reply to  seripanther

Thanks, all. It was a day I just snapped, knew enough was enough, and had had it with bullshit. The disordered will escalate if they don’t get what they want, and I’d already covered for that shithead kicking me black and blue in the middle of the night once before. He said it was a nightmare. I thought it was a beating. An old friend said I’d “taken the cat bird seat” by handing him over to the authorities. I didn’t know what that was, but it felt better than letting someone ride roughshod over me another minute. The Fucktard called the next day to whine that he’d had to go to a secondhand store to buy clothes after being released from jail because he’d left barefoot in a pair of shorts. But I saw him drive by with a couple I also knew, and when he came to the door in the clothes of one of those people, I did not let him in. I just said to let Pete know I always liked that shirt, and I knew that secondhand stores are not open at 8 a.m. on Sundays.

Getting harsh is sometimes necessary.

Survivor
Survivor
7 years ago
Reply to  Survivor
Strad
Strad
7 years ago
Reply to  Survivor

MIGHTY, Survivor!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Survivor

Awesome story, Survivor. I know your tale well enough to consider you very mighty for enduring all that you did from that fucktard.

thensome
thensome
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Well done!

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  Survivor

Good for you

JeepTess
JeepTess
7 years ago

My biggest empowerment jolt was the day I moved into my new home…April 24, 2015.

I left the closing, drove to my home of 30 years for the last time, boxed up the last things to be packed – the curtains – and followed the moving van to my new home.

I was free…I left the bag of rocks I’d been dragging around for all the years after DDay.

My BFF lives in my old neighborhood and she came over the next morning to help me start unpacking. She told me that she saw satan sitting in his truck, in the street in front of our old house, just staring at the house. …I’m sure his head was exploding just trying to process what he was seeing…an obviously empty house.

ChumpedToTheMax
ChumpedToTheMax
7 years ago
Reply to  JeepTess

Something about selling the home…mine was like a bag of rocks too with little time bombs, from all the repairs he said he did but didn’t do correctly, just waiting to go off. Plus my garage was filled with all the junk he couldn’t let go of, but he couldn’t clean out and move to his new place either.

The ultimate freedom was selling and moving away. I still have nightmares about that house.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago

I can’t wait for the kid to finish school so I can move. Jealous of you both.

JeepTess
JeepTess
7 years ago

Same here ChumpedToTheMax 🙂

The day AFTER I was completely moved out and on, I called my sons and told them to please let satan know that he was now free to clear ‘his’ stuff (that I was KIND ENOUGH to leave for him, as the court had awarded me the house and everything in it). I left him those tools and materials that I didn’t think I would need. My BFF reported that he and his flying monkeys showed up with many trucks and a very long trailer to help him…I wish I could’ve seen his face when the garage door rolled up to…um…hey, we only need a couple o’ these trucks boys!

HEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!! SLAM DUNK Lying Cheating Coward satan!!!! 😀

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  JeepTess

I wish his head had exploded. Messy, but deserved.

JeepTess
JeepTess
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest! 😀

Rumor has it his life has imploded…thankfully, I don’t have to be a part of it or care!

<3

Living Well Best Revenge
Living Well Best Revenge
7 years ago

I actually did file pretty much immediately after D Day because I wanted to protect myself financially. But my heart was still in love with him and not caught up with my head. My heart finally caught up when:
1) I received a kick ass performance review at work and a pay raise. My boss’s words ” Not many could do what you did and not break down nor drop the ball during hard times. ”

2) One day I was running around town trying to get an apartment lease signed and my daughter registered for school all on the same day. It was the craziest most hectic period of my life trying to look for an apartment and figuring out the school system. (My period actually came twice that month! Sorry TMI) But it was at that point that I realized that hey I can do this all on my own and that I’m mighty! I was stressed out physically but I had an inner peace that comes from knowing I was finally in control of the situation and not being gaslighted like an idiot anymore.

getting real
getting real
7 years ago

Not TMI at all! Getting your period twice in one month shows the incredible stress you were under. Seriously.

NoMoreEggShells
NoMoreEggShells
7 years ago

The moment I was approved for a mortgage to buy him out of the house!! He NEVER thought I could do it on my own (even said it for years). Fuck you!!! I did it!!

Newlady15
Newlady15
7 years ago

Exact same story for me. He was asking what agent we would use to list(I had the option to buy or list in our agreement). He also said he wanted thevhouse and me being the adult had to point out you kind of need an income to apply for a mortgage(??). He stopped asking after that…couldn’t admit to schmoopie he actually isn’t a wealthy businessman.. I did get the mortgage. The day before I left for Florida.. radio silence from him but I’m sure he raged in private…

thensome
thensome
7 years ago

Awesome!! Cheaters always think they know us so well. Fuck ’em.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago

My moment came shopping in Kohls with my daughters (13 and 6 months old). The baby was starting to fuss and so I started dancing in front of her stroller to the music coming over the speakers. She started laughing and then I looked up and saw my older daughter laughing and with a smile that told me that she was catching a glimpse of her mom (not the emotional mess she had for the previous 9 months).

It was in that moment that I felt a touch of real joy and I thought “here I am”. Truth be told I hadn’t felt that in years. I may still be a ways from Meh, but I know that at least I am on my way there.

Attie
Attie
7 years ago

Me too NoMoreEggShells (love the name by the way). At age 53 I got a mortgage to keep my home and a roof over my kids’ heads! Frankly if it hadn’t gone through I swear I would have swung for him as he was not going to make me and my kids move away from my lovely friends and neighbours. Anyway it worked and he can go take a long walk off a short pier. Then one time I was at the hairdressers and she asked if she could talk to me outside??? So I said sure, and she introduced me to a male friend of hers. Apparently this guy knew my ex because he would call in for a drink at the ex’ preferred slimey slut bar (I call it the OK Corral). Apparently ex had been pulling the poor sad sausage thing and telling everyone that I attacked him most nights when he came home from work! I don’t look anything like a husband beater and have to be pretty presentable for my work. When I heard that I just burst out laughing, got a fit of the giggles, and the three of us stood outside the hairdressers convulsed. It was great. Another time, I stopped at my friend’s café for a coffee and was introduced to another guy who drank at the OK Corral. There was a loud clunk as this guy’s jaw hit the table when I was introduced as the “husband beater”. That’s when I knew I was winning and his web of lies was unraveling.

topshelf
topshelf
7 years ago

After DDAY, I completely fell apart. When his mistress stalked me, I left my professional job. For months, I cried nonstop and could barely get out of bed. I disconnected from my 4 children (all teens at the time). It took me almost 2 years to even begin to snap out of it. I went back to work full-time and was recently promoted to Partner at my firm. Last year, a team that I coached, advanced all the way to the state competition. I am not “back” 100%, and maybe never will be. But I will be just fine.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  topshelf

Topshelf
That sounds like you have been to hell and back. Your story must be full of mighty to get through all that. I think you will be all the way back and more the way you are going!!

Marci
Marci
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Topshelf,
I too was stalked by the mistress/OW at my workplace. Other than trying to destroy me, I had no idea at the time why someone would hate me so fiercely. She had been trying for a year to get him to leave me for her, unknown to me.

Turns out she wrote anonymous letters to several of my colleagues (I worked at a company where our profiles were on the website) accusing me of all sorts of weirdness. While most of the content was outrageous, some of it was half-believable.

It was only after I took leave from my job after d-day that colleagues began coming forward and volunteering the information, and we pieced together her treachery. I asked the Dean of my college whether he had ever had poison letters about me, and he admitted about three years later that he had, but had chosen to ignore them. I think there were likely several more who just never came forward. I had to get her twitter account suspended because of awful things she wrote…insinuations that I possibly had a criminal record in my country of origin, etc. I was trying to succeed in a professional post in a new country at the time.

This stalking was never pinned on her, because the police here couldn’t be bothered to pursue a ‘domestic’ situation, ie. what seemed to be a dispute between two women. She walked free, but I almost had a breakdown. It certainly affected my job.

MightyAgain
MightyAgain
7 years ago

I think I had a series of moments, that jolted me. All new things that I had not done before.
– Once a month, I catered to 20 Executive women, in a day conference ran by a friend – which was all about empowering women.
-Got a new Job with famous person – as a person assistant.
-Prepared my marital home for sale – painted, organized, and decluttered all with EX’s help (house sold in 3 days)
-Packed, moved to an apartment without much help from people, other than moving company moving the Big items.
-Went on Vacation by myself to visit family and few days on my own!! Imagine that!!!

But the one moment that stands out – I went to London with my new Job, and I was doing a project, which needed me to go a local Stationary store on my own, in a city I did not know, and I think I even said to myself – “Look at me surviving this shit”!

I have surrounded myself with only positive people, I have found a group of 3 other divorced friends (3 out of 4 – were chumps), who have become dear close friends. I have to say having these women has helped my healing so much, especially during holidays.

Today, I’m in the process of buying my own little place, all by myself.
Tears of joy come every time I think how far I have come.

MightyAgain
MightyAgain
7 years ago
Reply to  MightyAgain

** without Ex’s help

Beruska
Beruska
7 years ago

I have discovered my h’s “activities” at the time I was finishing law school and was deciding whether or not to sit for the bar exam right away. When 14 years of my life blew out right in my face, I did not think that it was a good idea to even try, given my emotional state, and also being in the category of people who usually don’t pass on the first try (foreigner, full time job, 2 kids, and the serious marriage issues). But as a person of faith, I prayed about it and decided that I will trust God to carry me through the whole thing. It was very difficult – working while preparing for the biggest exam of my life while simultaneously dealing with post dday issues and many more new discoveries of my h’s deceit. It was like living two different lives at the same time.
When the results came 3 months later and I found out that I passed the bar exam, it was such an empowering and positive experience for me – at that moment I knew that there is nothing that could stop me anymore from going after a good life I deserve, from living in truth and working on making myself to be the best I can be in these circumstances.