Called Off the Wedding Because He Cheated
She called off the wedding because he cheated — and stuck her with the bill. The rage over the injustice isn’t fading.
***
Dear Chump Lady,
I’m a woman in my late 20s, nearing 30, and two weeks before my wedding, I called it off.
I had just discovered that my ex-fiancé had been participating in orgies — with his brother and brother-in-law.
The last one happened two days before we put our life savings into a house. We weren’t married, we weren’t common-law, and when I sold my portion of the house to him at a loss (thanks to my parents urging me to cut ties quickly), I walked away with nothing.
His response? Complete delusion.
His parents fully supported him when he “came clean,” insisting that I was just too backward to understand that these things were normal. Never mind the fact that their own daughter and daughter-in-law were unknowingly in the same situation. My ex-fiancé even had the audacity to tell me that he did this for us — as if betraying me in the most revolting way was somehow self-improvement.
I lost everything I put into the wedding — non-refundable vendor deposits, emotional investment, years of my life. And as if that weren’t enough, he actually harassed me to pay for half of the honeymoon.
Since the breakup, I’ve done all the right things. I went no-contact. Cut ties with his friends and family. Got a dog. I started therapy and depression medication. From the outside, I look fine. But inside? The rage never fades.
I dream of destroying his life.
I dream of the wedding that never happened, the future I thought we’d have. Sometimes I wonder if telling his sister and sister-in-law what really happened would bring me peace—but I know deep down it won’t. I’m stuck with these intrusive thoughts, the anger that won’t die.
And the worst part? He walked away unscathed. He kept the house. His parents still worship him. He even got promoted. Meanwhile, my life feels irreparably damaged because of his actions. How is that fair? How did I end up with the pain while he skates by untouched?
I know people will say, You’re young, you have time, things will get better. But right now, I can’t see it. Right now, my future feels dark. How do I move forward when he’s the one who did wrong, but I’m the one left suffering?
Sincerely,
Still Picking Up the Pieces
***
Dear Still Picking Up the Pieces,
Well done you. Before I get into moving forward, let’s take a moment to applaud your bravery. You called off the wedding because he cheated at an orgy. With his male relatives. And his family thinks this shit is NORMAL.
You passed on that cup of misogyny and pain. You refused to normalize it. And by rejecting him, you rejected a marriage model that demands subservience to his entitlement.
That took guts.
Not just because of the financial hits, or the mortification factor of calling off a wedding. But because you asserted — at great personal cost — that you will not be his chump. If you cannot have a marriage based on respect and equality, then you will have no marriage at all.
You’re living your values. Many women would’ve caved and eaten that catered shit sandwich buffet. They would’ve accepted the lame non-apology apology of oh hey, he came clean! He admitted it! We’re good! They would’ve stuffed their pain into some recess of their soul and smiled for the wedding pictures. Because You Must Be Coupled At All Costs.
But as a young woman, you said no. Whatever happens in your life next, be proud of yourself until your dying day that you said no. That pride can live alongside the rage, but never second guess your courage. There are a lot of FWs out there (I should know, I married two of them). But let me tell you what I’ve learned as someone your mom’s age:
Sex is easy. Devotion is hard.
Anyone can fuck at an orgy. Swing a cat and you can find a sex partner, if you’re not discerning. Not everyone will show up. You want someone who will love you as ferociously as you love them. Who feels your pain as if it were their own. Who knows what a rare gift it is to have such a person in their life and would never endanger that for a cheap orgasm.
The entitled FWs of this world will tell you there is no such duality. He can love you and still have all the cheap orgasms he wants with strangers, because You’re The One He Really Loves. It’s an HONOR to be the public wife appliance. This is bullshit, of course, because if he was so secure, he wouldn’t have kept his sex party life a secret among men. He loves the power imbalance of his secrets. The problem is you found out.
Thank you for rejecting his entitlement.
Thank you for taking that hit, emotionally and financially. Thank you for taking one for the team. When you stood up to that FW, you stood up to all FWs. You rejected the model of marriage as a zero sum game with winners and losers, cheaters and chumps. This is how revolutions begin — one brave no at a time.
Now to your letter.
I had just discovered that my ex-fiancé had been participating in orgies — with his brother and brother-in-law.
This is all kinds of eww. And I noticed the plural orgieS. As in, this isn’t a one-off stag party (still eww). This is a recreational bro thing.
(My mind goes so many places. Screwing alongside your brother, is that incest-adjacent? Are they all going to be equally compromised so they go in groups? #DontTellMom )
Clearly this is a family system pickled in misogyny and you’re well clear of it.
His parents fully supported him when he “came clean,” insisting that I was just too backward to understand that these things were normal.
He didn’t come clean. You discovered it. Two weeks before your wedding. Fuck them very much.
How dare they blameshift their sons’ wandering dicks as your lack of sophistication! What monstrous bullies!
Never mind the fact that their own daughter and daughter-in-law were unknowingly in the same situation.
Exactly. They’re showing you that they think women are worth far less than men and that includes their own daughter. I’m sure your wedding refusal has sent shock waves into their world.
Same ol’ blameshifting.
My ex-fiancé even had the audacity to tell me that he did this for us — as if betraying me in the most revolting way was somehow self-improvement.
This is classic stupid shit cheaters say. Yes, fucking around on you was a personal growth opportunity for him. This is the same stupid as affairs make a marriage stronger. It’s trying to wrap entitlement in a cloak of nobility. Your suffering has purpose! They didn’t cheat because it felt good, they were TRYING TO HELP! And aren’t you an ungrateful girl?
I lost everything I put into the wedding — non-refundable vendor deposits, emotional investment, years of my life.
I know it won’t make you feel better now, but a bazillion chumps here wish they were you. They would gladly pay up front for this kind of loss, than the much huger investment and financial losses after 401Ks, mortgages and children.
But the larger point is: It’s galling. How DARE he stiff you with the bill for WHAT HE DESTROYED?!
And as if that weren’t enough, he actually harassed me to pay for half of the honeymoon.
I’m happy to pass the cup to send him to Dry Heave, Nebraska.
What to do with the rage?
Since the breakup, I’ve done all the right things. I went no-contact. Cut ties with his friends and family. Got a dog. I started therapy and depression medication. From the outside, I look fine. But inside? The rage never fades.
The rage might not ever fade, but you’ll learn to live with it.
It will never not be unjust. But your life will fill in around this trauma and eventually your new life will eclipse your old life. Injustice cannot be the lead story every single day, because there are other stories. You get a new job, your cousin has a baby, your dog is adorable. None of this cancels out the injustice (touch it, and it rages), but over time new stuff floods the zone. You won’t feel as reactive. Trauma therapy can help with that.
But anger at the injustice? That’s a reality check. Many people in your life — your ex, his family, probably stupid bystanders — are trying to minimize what happened. Guilt you into working with it and staying. Anger, right now, is helping you maintain your boundaries. It’s your friendly warning system. You won’t always need rage, but today it’s fresh.
Grieve.
I dream of the wedding that never happened, the future I thought we’d have.
That’s totally normal. It’s a big complicated grief. I have an entire blog devoted to this kind of grief. You’re among friends.
I’m telling you as an old lady who lost a dream — I got a better one. It doesn’t make what happened to me any less traumatic or unjust. I’m just saying both of these things can be true. You’re just at the leave a cheater stage, gain a life is still a ways off. ((Hugs))
Sometimes I wonder if telling his sister and sister-in-law what really happened would bring me peace — but I know deep down it won’t
Dear God, woman — TELL THEM! They need an STD check stat, at the very least. Telling is the kind thing to do. Besides which, you’ve already lit the match on this funeral pyre — his family will never be in your life. Those women deserve the truth and you’re not responsible for keeping Bro Sex Club secrets.
And the worst part? He walked away unscathed. He kept the house. His parents still worship him. He even got promoted. Meanwhile, my life feels irreparably damaged because of his actions. How is that fair? How did I end up with the pain while he skates by untouched?
He’s not untouched. He’s a FW. This is just a window in time. Talk to me when he’s on his fourth wife and his dick doesn’t work. (Read the archives.) His life only looks perfect because he’s marinated in entitlement. His parents encourage those noxious qualities. But you delivered one hell of a blow to that entitlement by rejecting him. Never forget that.
It gets better.
I know people will say, You’re young, you have time, things will get better. But right now, I can’t see it. Right now, my future feels dark. How do I move forward when he’s the one who did wrong, but I’m the one left suffering?
Of course you’re suffering. You called off the wedding because he cheated on you with a herd of family fuckwits. If you were not suffering, I’d wonder about you. You’d have to be incredibly shallow not to be suffering. But there you are with your big heart and your titanium steel backbone and so, yes, this hurts like a mofo.
Be glad you’re a person who bonds. Who cares and shows up. Wear that self-knowledge proudly. If you were a weak POS, you’d have married that creep. But because you’re a quality person, you didn’t.
Go forward with confidence. When you meet new people and tell them this story, here’s a litmus test: if they get weird and uncomfortable, they’re not your people. If they applaud your mightiness and cheer your bravery? Proceed.
Your rage now is a future badge of courage. The wrong people will try to shut you up. The right people share your values of equality. Know what team you’re on. #TeamDevotion
my daughter called off her wedding one week before. Cheating with mutual ‘friend’ ( not orgies ) he confessed with oodles of “remorse” – blah blah blah. She kicked them both to the curb and struggled for about two years with all that you describe emotionally. Fast forward to her new life with a good man, two kids and the knowledge that she dodged a proverbial bullet. it was a horrible experience that I wish on nobody, but I hope feel confident that real love and life and happiness is waiting on the other side of this horror. The money stings but that hurt will fade. Be proud of yourself and try not to look back, only forward.
Well done daughter! And well done mama for raising said daughter!
You eacaped an extremely unhealthy family system! Calling orgies “normal” is a HUGE red flag. It sucks. The injustice of it all is terrible! Yet you got out, which is an incredible tribute to your strength of character. Bravo! Well Done!!
Chump Lady outlined the reasons you’re mighty and escaped a terrible husband and in-laws. And you’re doing the necessary actions to avoid more pain and suffering. It takes time and replacing those memories with new dreams.
I wish I had learned more and monitored my cortisol levels during the worst of the betrayal. I exercised, attended individual therapy and a 12-step program but did not take medication. None of my health care professionals talked about the short term and long term effects of cortisol surges.
Do other chumps have information on this topic?
I didn’t take antidepressants either because a few close family members had had serious reactions which can apparently relate to otherwise benign genetic immune alleles and can run in families. As the mom of minor children, I couldn’t afford even temporary impairment from adverse drug response. But fortunately I discovered alternatives because I found an affordable integrative physician when I moved overseas with the kids. She’s all about the labs. She’s also a CME addict who attends every medical summit in both the US and abroad, reads every new study and book, etc. She was enormously helpful in patching me back together from post traumatic stress at a point when my cortisol shot so high that I was clinically at risk for adrenal collapse.
One thing she explained is that, when the body starts running out of cortisol, it starts to “eat” progesterone in order to use it as a building block as an emergency measure to prevent death from adrenal collapse. The resulting hormone imbalance can partly explain why women under massive stress can get into a vicious cycle of sleep deprivation and develop all kinds of aches and pains since sex hormones aren’t merely reproductive and can affect every system in the body. Though I wasn’t in perimenopause, she monitored hormones and then supplemented progesterone levels with a bioidentical prescription.
My joints stopped aching and I definitely started sleeping much better. My cortisol eventually lowered along with the source of stress but remained somewhat elevated which the doctor discovered partly related to autoimmune inflammation. Like a lot of abuse survivors, it seems I developed some autoantibodies– gaah. She recommended I used a modified whole food keto diet to improve gut bacteria and reduce inflammation. The latter did wonders for old sports injuries (also, quite weirdly, my shoe size went back to prepregnancy) and I’ve been taking dance and t’ai chi again. Because I would tend to feel more anxious a day after eating any sugar or high carb stuff, I’d venture a guess that keto helps at least a bit with anxiety if just because it prevents the glycemic roller coaster and resulting crash.
Because the doctor wasn’t a big fan of melatonin (can be toxic and can skew hormones), for acute bouts of anxiety, I would use a combination of valerian root extract with a shot of coffee (to counter any sleepy effects) during the day and then take straight valerian at night or, if in really bad shape, valerian with a regular dose of ibuprofen because, as it turns out, emotional pain reads the same as physical pain and things that reduce the one will reduce the other. I really try to avoid NSAIDs in general because they can mess with gut flora and cause other problems but I have to say this works pretty well in an acute crisis.
In the end there’s no magic bullet for trauma except time, social support and consistent safety but there are piecemeal ways to address or ease some of the negative effects even aside from mental health drugs.
Thanks for the info!!!
Hope it’s helpful. Just another note on adverse drug reactions– as I learned from attending psychiatric conferences as an advocate for DV survivors, snowballing anger can apparently be a symptom of akithisia, a side effect of SSRIs and certain other mental health drugs which affects a small percentage of people who take them and can vary in intensity from feelings of irritation, intrusive thoughts and painful restlessness to mania and all-out violent psychosis.
Because people who’ve taken the drugs by pharmacy mistake or for non-psychiatric reasons like migraines may still develop akathisia, it seems it’s not necessarily related to preexisting mental illness as was previously believed and may be more like an allergy. But one of the risks of taking these meds after an intense traumatic experience is that it’s reportedly hard to distinguish normal PTSD symptoms like anger, intrusive thoughts, hyper-vigilance and hopelessness from “extrapyramidal side effects,” especially after change of dose or withdrawal which is why every article and study on medication side effects warns that anyone wanting to taper should do it very slowly under careful medical supervision.
It’s also another reason that psychiatrists treating abuse survivors need to be really versed in PTSD. Unfortunately, as Dr. Emma Katz argues, most psychologists and psychiatrists are not trained in recognizing coercive control nor treating victims of it and tend to grossly minimize the traumatic effects.
Picking Up, it may hurt horribly, yet it’s fortunate you discovered this before the wedding, rather than after.
I think you should pick up the phone and call several lawyers to find one who can hep you get back at least the money you put into the house. And maybe some of the other money, too.
His family’s attempt to shame you into accepting this may not be because they accept it, but rather the opposite. They may be trying to silence you because they are afraid that this will come out publicly.
Please let the brothers’ wives know what their husbands are doing, but don’t be surprised if they deny it or have already been conned into accepting it, or have gotten a narrative that you’re a crazy liar.
If his parents accept two brothers and a brother in law jointly participating in orgies, I wonder if the dad was a participant, too.
You were smart to get out of that engagement and family.
I have often times wonder about the dad, his parents never slept in the same bedroom. It probably is something taught in the family to compromise around. The whole family was also part of a spiritual cult and all they did all day long was talk about their devotion to god. What an irony!
The parents think their sons participating in orgies is normal?! This whole family is insane, the kind of people who wind up on Dateline for something gruesome like murder or child sex trafficking.
I know it’s cliche to say you dodged a bullet, you might literally have.
A cult?!!!!
Aren’t all cults sex cults?
You dodged a bullet.
Hi chump2024–as Tracy says, good for you for getting out right away! Your clarity is your wonderful ally, and will help you through this hard time and beyond. And like Tracy I think the anger will fade (though for me at least, weirdly everything still comes back in occasional dreams).
I’m chiming in here mainly to also say, echoing Tracy and GoodFriend: please, please tell the two other chumps in the family what their husbands are doing. It may feel awkward and painful to do so, but please find a way, even if it’s to send a simple email or text: “I left so-and-so because he was going to orgies with __ and __.” When I discovered my own FW’s 6-year affair, I felt hugely betrayed by the friends and friend-ish colleagues who had known about it but had not told me. Every month that a chump spends under the shadow of unknown betrayal is a month stolen from her life. So please, please do tell these women, whether or not they are able to absorb and act on the knowledge.
Cheering you on!
Some current research links certain personality disorders like narcissism and borderline to cult-like thinking and susceptibility to cults.
It makes perfect sense to me since, by definitions, cults– whether religious or existential– all promise “paradise on earth” to followers but only if they accept the transcendently super-human moral and intellectual superiority of leaders and cult authorities and that this makes the vaunted leaders exempt from having to follow any rules and allows them any abuse imaginable.
That’s the other earmark of all cult constructs– the “caste system” view that some humans are inherently superior and others are inherently inferior (which is why eugenics is viewed as an existential cult called “scientism’). The resulting artificial pecking order– which usually involves followers (i.e., subordinate authoritarians) scrambling over each other to prove that they’re in the supposedly superior caste by finding scapegoats to put down and lord it over– is pretty much narcissism and narcissistic family dynamics in a nutshell.
In a very literal sense, trying to cut contact with a narcissistic family group is a lot like leaving a cult. I might even argue that adhering to various kinds of cult belief systems whether political or religious may even increase the risk of people developing narcissism.
chump2024 — are you the LW?
Yes, that’s the OP.
That’s a huge red flag to me. I actually know a family with four daughters, and there’s a five or six year age gap between the two oldest and two youngest. The oldest daughter was a year below me in school and good friends with my best friend’s younger sister. She told us that her father had been molesting her and her younger sister, then he was caught molesting a neighbor child and went to prison for a sadly short period of time. Then when he got out, their mother took him back and they moved to our city to “start over.” When the two daughters aged out of his preferred age range, mom had two more children for him. The oldest daughter became a drug addict and finally confronted her mother for letting their father rape them and mom’s response was “What was I supposed to do?! Get a job?!” Oldest daughter disappeared and the family disowned her last I heard. I pray she is doing well somewhere without her horrible family.
That father babysits his grandchildren full time now. CPS has been called, they don’t care. It happens so much more often than people think. People in our community think they are a great family (they also claim to be Christian, that’s part of their disguise) and he’s so selfless for spending his retirement helping his kids with childcare. I don’t live there anymore so I can’t correct them but even when I did and was loud about it, people would rather not know. It’s so much more common than people realize.
In a rather dark and ugly reflection of how, for positive reasons having to do with mutual interests and support, avid golfers like to retire in West Palm Beach and avid skiers love to live in Colorado, I think child molesters tend to cluster in places where other child molesters have nested and created a “protected place” for the worldwide underground league of kiddy abusers.
I’ve lived in different places and not all communities are like this but I lived in one that was. After the secondary school district ended up in national headlines for harboring a serial child molester on staff for more than a decade, the whole district turned out to be run by cabal of pervs of all stripes– cheaters, mate-poachers, statutory rapists and pedophiles. For instance, only after the scandal did it come out that one of my sons’ (really shitty and abusive) middle aged teachers had, at the age of sixteen, gotten pregnant by her own middle aged married-dad high school teacher in the same district. The guy dumped his family, married his pregnant student and they all felt comfortable enough to stay in the same community, raise a family and continue to work there.
I’d say that’s the mark of a dangerous community if people like that feel cozy in it because residents normalize it. Whether the different assortment of perverts consciously looked out for each other or developed some “mutually assured destruction” pact of not asking or telling, there was an inordinate number of creeps clustered up in one place.
But at the end of the day I think no one politics and triangulates more viciously than child molesters, probably because they have the most to lose so that’s who turned out to be running the show and calling the shots.
I escaped a cult that sexually preyed on its members. Your analysis is spot on.
I think you are right about that. We had a lot of scandals for a small town. Teachers having sex with students, a girl who was raped on film and the community tried to cover it up, etc. It’s creepy to think about but I think you nailed it.
You definitely lived in one of the pervy clusterfucks. If it hadn’t been for a few other moms who saw the same things I did and even provided more details to confirm my gut sense, I think I might have gone bonkers from feeling outnumbered and surrounded by constant eerie vibes. We always joked about sending the basic story to Stephen King.
Still Picking Up the Pieces,
My heart goes out to you; both for the things that your FW did ahead of your planned Wedding and then the way that he handled the aftermath of his actions being discovered …. particularly in the way that he landed you with the costs of cancellation. If can offer some perspective, I would say that you are fully justified in feeling raw about it, and the financial and emotional costs will feel painful for a long while yet. But, and it’s a “big” but the “exit costs” that you paid to get out before you were married would be dwarfed by the costs (financial and emotional) that you would have faced had you actually married him and only found out about his assholery later on.
Getting out of my marriage cost me 95% of the equity in the house that we owned and nearly a quarter of the money that I had in my pension fund, but that was not the worst of it. The worst of it was knowing that I wasted 25 years of my life with someone who (it turns out) didn’t care about me and didn’t care about the three kids that we had; she only cared about herself. While I have been able to get out of the debt that she created, get back on the housing ladder and rebuild my pension, I’ll never get those 25 years back. I’ll also never get back the 10 years after our separation, where I had to turn myself inside out to bring up three very upset kids and do so pretty much singlehandedly …. she took the best years of my life and then kicked me to the curb because she would rather be with her ex-boyfriend/AP than with me or with our kids.
You’ve done all the right things in recognising that the only way that you could “win” the game that you were in was to walk away from the table. The cost to you of walking away were high, but I promise you that the price would have gotten higher the longer that you stayed. And, for what it’s worth, you FW and his family sound like terrible people; they don’t deserve you.
Best of luck.
LFTT
30 years for me, 32 by the time the divorce was finalized.
it’s hard to figure out where to put the knowledge i’ve wasted my time on a guy who not only didn’t care, actively hated me. that he conspired to hurt me in small and big ways throughout the years. i can recover/adjust to the various changes, but it’s the casual cruelty that still makes me shake my head.
i’m happy on my own, and my adult kids are slowly recovering, too.
Yeah, that’s the part that gets me too. What was the point? It was 20 years for me. During our negotiations I said “You faked a 20 year marriage, do you expect me to high five you and say cool prank bro!” And he hung his head all sad and said “but wasn’t it really a prank I played on myself?” LOL Always the fucking victim! I can’t believe I wasted so much of my life on someone so pathetic.
Oh boy, the “I gaslighted myself” line. Yeah, but funny how all that supposedly helpless self deception typically worked out very nicely to the benefit of the perpetrator whereas, for normal people, self deception is a crap shoot or even mostly disastrous.
Don’t get me wrong. Abusers like this inevitably end up miserable when their bs catches up to them. But the worst sometimes manage to make it work for themselves for long periods of time and do a lot of harm in the bargain.
Basically, some people do a lot of mental gymnastics to deny their own evil, self-serving intentions which makes all their claims of “I didn’t mean/want/try/intend to do x and y” pretty much moot. Meanwhile, the reality of how they operate is probably much darker than conscious scheming. Because their ability to manipulate and gaslight for their own gain is so ingrained, baked-in, automatic and requires no conscious thought, they can actually do terrible things and skillfully maneuver other people around their own hellish chess boards while feeling innocent of any conscious ill intent and, because of this, have the glorious luxury of not feeling any remorse about it. Without being crushed by the guilt that normal people would feel about causing harm, this paves the way for them to do it again and again.
Neat mental trick, huh? In forensics, this ability is sometimes called “criminal intelligence.”
Oh LFTT…you and I did lose many years. I met Cheater when I was 18 and was 47 when he died. He fucked the kids up petty well but Im beginning to see growth and maturity in them without the toxins he would have added to them.
There are moments when I find myself in the “he ruined EVERYTHING” mindset but then admit to myself that I eventually found ways (despite his global negativity) to find moments of contentment during that whole mess. Singing in my car while driving alone to pick up the kids is one of my happier memories.
2 weeks before our wedding, he tried to “postpone” our wedding with a stupid complaint. I was too committed and lovesick and idealistic to see that him wanting to “postpone” meant he didnt want to marry me. Ive had to be kind to myself and recognize that I didnt know what I didnt know.
You have done a stellar job of raising your kids and rebuilding. I hope your days henceforth have a special sort of good for you.Please know that I (many years out) cant even remember what all that pain felt like
Wow, you are mighty!!!!! You left before getting married to a FW! I know it hurts and that you have anger about it. AS CL says, that is finite, each day it will get better and soon you won’t even notice because you really don’t care because that part of you is in the past. Keep doing what you are doing and move forward. Honor yourself and give yourself grace for those moments of rage.
I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to not face him more than you wanted compensation for his fraud, but I hope that you can find a lawyer who would give you the straight scoop in the likelihood of reclaiming the funds you lost because of his fraud.
You are doing great and I hope you are proud of yourself.
I found out after my husband died that he had likely cheated on me for the better part of the 29 years we were together. I had a lot of feels about it all in the 10 years since I discovered the worst including rage. Recently, I ran into the pile of documents I saved which told the story of his betrayal and I was as cool as a cucumber. Im not saying that you have to wait 10 years…I hope it’s much less, but Meh does come and I hope it comes sooner for you.
Wow. I thought MY mother-in-law was a horrible person. I know it doesn’t feel good now, but damn, girl, you totally dodged a bullet. I cannot begin to imagine the horror of marrying into THAT family.
Also, you are under no obligation to cover for him. When people ask why you dumped the dude bro, you can tell them that you have different values and orgies are a no-go for you. Then change the subject. Word will get out. Or not. It doesn’t really matter to you any more. I can assure you that he and his family are out there telling lies about you. The least you can do is tell the truth.
Maybe I missed it, but I can’t tell how long it has been since this all went down. I’m probably around your mom’s age, and I have lived long enough to know that recovery from this kind of pain takes both time and work. You are doing the work. You are doing all the right things. And now you have to keep doing the right things. The pain will always be there, but over time it will feel different. It won’t be as big and sharp.
The lovely future that you envisioned with this “man” was never going to happen. He is a monster who could hide his dark secrets. He was perfectly comfortable lying to you about big things. His family scares me. If they think orgies are normal just imagine all the other things they think are normal.
I love the response! I literally laughed out loud imagining it.
“OMG, that’s awful! Why did you call off the wedding?”
“Well, his family has orgies together and they think I’m backwards for not thinking that’s normal.”
No further explanation required! That just says it all.
dear reader,
i’m sorry this has happened to you. it sounds like you’re taking good care of yourself, but i’ll remind you to take good care of yourself. i hope you’ve seen your doctor and had a full check-up beyond the STI check, because stress can do a real number on your body.
i found the ruminating the worst part of grieving, the 3 a.m. swirl of thoughts and feelings. so i created a mantra that i repeated until the swirling slowed and stopped. the list is in order of my realizations. please note that this mantra is specific to my situation and slowly morphs over time, as i understand myself more. it’s a lot of work.
he’s an active alcoholic
he refuses to get help for alcoholism
he is not emotionally capable
he was raised in a dysfunctional, alcoholic home with parents who fought all the time, and had no boundaries
the result is that he avoids conflict and uncomfortable feelings
it’s difficult to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t capable nor interested in learning how to become capable
i was primed for this relationship because i was raised by a narcissistic mom
this marriage was not sustainable, that it lasted as long as it did is kinda amazing
he is a narcissist and has little empathy
he is not capable of intimacy
he doesn’t care
he hates women, therefore me (this is a big one)
he is casually cruel, at best.
I deserve so much more than this.
I love myself
reader, create your own mantra and repeat whenever you need it. and i wonder if you would consider burning your wedding dress–make an occasion of it. share theme cocktails named ‘the dirty bastard’ and ‘i almost married an axe-murderer’ with your friends. you’re free of a bad man and his bad family.
carry on,
#damnitfeelsbadtobeachumpster
So many of your mantras hit home for me, and thank you. Sometimes you just need to see it in black & white for the message to sink in.
I’d also say the rage/grief comes in waves but gradually becomes tolerable and then OK.
thank you for this, Ill def. work on mine.
You are much more articulate than I managed to be when all I could do was to stumble for miles on the bike path rhythmically chanting “I can do this.” Thanks for the list of affirmations, Damn.
i was stumbling for miles on the bike path with a lot of chatter in my head, too. i just tried to harness the energy and repeat the mantra. it helped. it still helps, four year on, when the chatter picks up–i like to call the chatter “radio fuckwit”!
Oh my gosh, “radio fuckwit”! I will think about using this when the ruminating starts again.
I don’t always want to mention here my lingering stroke after-effects, but back then just the effort to stay upright while staggering in a somewhat straight line and being even further blinded by my tears took enough of my attention and focus that muttering my mantra helped me keep my cadence.
I must have looked pretty scary to passersby as I stumbled and tried to muster some socially-acceptable eye contact. Thank god for the attempt at walking, though, as one day I finally noticed the sun shining and the birds singing. And maybe I looked slightly less zombie-like.
My heart breaks for others in the early stages of discovery, but to newbies, please know that you will survive, because you are mighty.
I AM SO FUCKING PROUD OF YOU
Sweetie. Your sign-off says it all: you’re still picking up the pieces.
This wasn’t just one betrayal — this betrayal was a team effort: three of them “in the know” against one of you. Then add layers of his family and support network jumping on the bandwagon.
I don’t know whether this helps, but when I was in a stage where I had obsessive thoughts — instead of trying to fight them, or trying to pretend they weren’t happening — I started trying to tell myself “Everything I am going through is necessary for my ultimate recovery.” Sometimes what I tried to do, was to learn what these obsessive thoughts were trying to tell me. Sometimes that worked. But mostly, it was a question of understanding: this is part of a recovery process that I don’t fully understand.
My D-day was in 2017. I filed for divorce about eight or nine months later, but didn’t actually get out of the house until midway through 2019. My courage broke in November of that year, and I accepted terms I should have known to fight. The divorce was final in January of 2020. My obsessive thoughts about re-living that experience have continued to this day, but gradually they sometimes fade in intensity. Maybe the day will come that I stop feeling enraged, but today is not that day. Still, I do have a life now that I wouldn’t have if I’d stayed.
Dear Still Picking Up the Pieces,
Your alias reminds me of a wonderfully humane but lesser known theory in psychology known as “Positive Disintegration” created by 20th century Polish psychoanalyst Kazimierz Dabrowski which argues that advanced intellectual and emotional development and the development of a truly autonomous personality are not possible without the process of periodically “falling to pieces”– disintegrating– after something you believed to be true turns out to be false and then rebuilding beliefs, perspective, world view, view of self and “re-integrating” these things within the updated information.
Dabrowski– who survived both Nazi and Stalinist persecution and imprisonment and seems to know a thing or two about overcoming adversity– also argues that those who don’t go through this dis- and reintegration are doomed to remaining overly impressionable– in short, too easily led by the nose by bullshit, conformist and basically miserable. The really humane part of the theory is that, instead of proposing that people who are very sensitive to misinformation to the point that they periodically crash are defective and “weak,” it’s quite the reverse: he seems to celebrate this sensitivity on the grounds that it leads people to inspect and question received wisdom which in turn may lead them to a higher sense of truth and real wisdom. I guess an analogy for this, aside from the Princess and the Pea (the pea being bullshit), is that those who are sensitive in this way are like Ferraris which can’t be fueled with any old crap gas or given dirty oil or driven like rental cars.
In all my adventures and for every day I’m alive, the theory seems more and more apt to me. Something bad happens and you fall apart, you pick up the pieces, you reorder them into a stronger and more resilient structure while getting rid of some of the pieces that never belonged there to begin with and the result is a more resilient, more individualistic, more unbreakable and more unshakably cheerful self. I would even add that, with each rebuild, you’re more able to identify others who’ve gone through a similar process and end up rather delightfully bonding with those individuals who exist all over the planet like some kind of amorphous tribe.
That’s definitely been my experience. But, meanwhile, the first few “disintegration/reintegration” experiences admittedly kind of suck and can be painful leaps of faith because it’s only after you’ve gone through this several times that you understand and trust where it leads.
Just as a side note, I should clarify that I don’t “thank adversity” or evil people for anything good or any wisdom that comes out of these crashes. It’s in spite of evil and thanks to the metal of the individual survivor and their supporters, that’s all.
End of digression. I would have to read more deeply into the theory to understand if Dabrowski was being intentionally political about ways in which we all build our lives and personalities based on beliefs and perceptions of reality, the way the world works and other people, some of which is going to turn out to be lies and cultural propaganda. At least that’s the impression I have from the translations that are available which are likely somewhat coded because Dabrowski was marked as a dissident by every government he lived under. If you ever saw the film “The Lives of Others” which is themed on the very high suicide rate in East Germany caused by mass despair in response to authoritarian repression and lies and several characters’ struggle to assert the truth, I tend to think Dabrowski had a political aim which was to help people resist the official lies that will drive them to despair or turn them into joyless bots.
Consequently, I think what Dabrowski is proposing is that, sort of like the old computer term “GIGO” (garbage in/garbage out), we all get programmed with certain amounts of disinformation and cultural mythology (and propaganda) that will eventually lead to our lives imploding or leave us unwarned and unprepared to deal with negative realities. But whether or not we truly develop into critically thinking, resilient and even joyous individuals surrounded by a solid safety net of like-minded individuals depends on our ability to clean out our hard drives, dump all the false information and then reprogram with better information. The “disintegration” part of Dabrowski’s theory warns that this process can be temporarily emotionally destabilizing but that the “only way out is through” and that it’s worth it.
As for the nature of the myths and “bullshit” that people are programmed with regarding intimate relationships that leave them unprepared for abuse, that has a lot of political overtones as well which is why I think Dabrowski’s theory especially fits.
For instance, you alluded to the idea that you had previously fallen prey to what– in the view of Chump Nation– seems like a massive orchestrated media and social media campaign to normalize infidelity, pretend it’s not a form of abuse, that the perpetrators of it aren’t straight up domestic abusers and that victims of it aren’t real, traumatized abuse survivors with everything that comes in tow with that (PTSD, “battered person syndrome,” etc.).
I think the above is at least one form of “Garbage In” that you’re arguably currently detoxing from though, if you’re like most of us, you’re probably carrying around a sizeable load of bullshit shrapnel you never previously realized you’d been programmed with which you’re now having to go through the rather agonizing and gory process of reordering. Not only that, it may make you feel somewhat orphaned from your current social context if you start to question those assumptions and replace them with other views and beliefs (such as the idea that cheating is part and parcel with domestic abuse) about the world and your friends and acquaintances don’t like it and punish you. Feeling like your social safety net is at risk can make the future seem very bleak because it looks like the whole world minimizes the impact of this form of sexual abuse, doesn’t even recognize it as abuse which in turn suggests it’s the norm and, unless you want to spend your life alone, it’s inescapable.
But that in itself is more “Garbage In”– call it the “majority fallacy.” It’s just a lie that nihilistic abusers (many of whom, statistically, claw themselves into positions of power and also seem to sponsor the media) have spun to squelch resistance and lower (mostly women’s but also nonabusive men’s) standards by pretending that something that isn’t normal or healthy is inevitable and the norm. If you read journalist Susan Faludi’s book Backlash, you’ll see that nothing has really changed in 30 or even 100 years and that part of the way the media has always participated in upholding not only patriarchy but abusive authoritarianism in general is by campaigning to lower the bar of what’s acceptable in relationships, from employers, from our governments and everything else.
But, just singling out infidelity, rather than most people accepting it, according to recent Gallup polls the majority of Americans list infidelity as the most unacceptable act on a list of 19 major controversies– below human cloning and many slots below abortion. Furthermore, the fact that the same people polled showed high acceptance of gay marriage and single parenting, it appears that, rather than being merely a religious and puritanical view, condemnation of infidelity more likely relates to increased public awareness of the negative effects of emotional abuse on families in the self help era.
Another lie you might have fallen for is that abusers lead happy and successful lives. Since you’re so young, you might have to take the word of us veterans that, in the long run, the latter is a massive crock. Even the ones who are materially successful and like to telegraph smugly satisfied public images are, behind closed doors, the most miserable walking abortions imaginable.
Anyway, the fact that you found this forum and that, on pure principle, you kicked ass and stood up for yourself and what’s right shows you’re well on your way “through and out” of this current disaster. Now what has to happen is that you replace any previous brainwashing with new and better information and rebuild your perspective. I hope you stick around the forum because those leads and sources of information are often discussed and it’s a thrilling and intellectually stimulating ride.
Again, this is hardly an easy or painless process at first and this can often cause a reordering of your social sphere but all I can say is “Come to the dark side, we have cookies.” It’s so much better and more fun on the other side, plus the company is fantastic.
Holy shit, this is horrifying. I’m firmly in the camp of please tell the other women. Even if you send it to them anonymously somehow, please tell them. A family that supports their sons having orgies together is a sexually abusive family. I would bet my car that those parents sexually abused their children. Men don’t just naturally want to have orgies with their brothers. The daughter is probably a victim too, that’s how she sadly married a man who also wanted to have orgies with her brothers. This is horrifying. This is a family who would have molested your children had you gone through with the marriage and started a family with this degenerate pervert.
I’m so sorry about the financial losses. I know how much that sucks. It seems so unfair that they “win.” I’m just mind blown by this. My ex was a degenerate pervert with a porn addiction who did terrible things but even I am shocked by a family supporting the men in their family having orgies together. Not only supporting it but being shocked that his fiance would have any sort of problem with it. WTF? They think it’s normal! I genuinely wonder how many generations the incestuous sexual abuse goes back in this family. That’s how screwed up this is.
Just to put it in perspective, my ex’s perversions are so vile they have led to him being arrested and criminally charged and this story shocks the shit out of me. Don’t ever for a moment let anyone make you feel like you overreacted or this is actually ok. This is so far beyond the pale. I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I would send something out to the sister and sister in law and then completely cut ties with everyone in that family and everyone associated with them. There is something very wrong with these people. You are better off without them in your life. As much as the monetary loss sucks, your parents were right, it’s better to just get away as fast as possible. Please be kind to yourself. You were not the problem here and none of this is your fault.
^all of this right here. Absolutely, positively abusive parents. Without a doubt there is much more to this nightmare of a family than you even know. Thank god you found out, thank yourself for walking away, and thank you to your parents for encouraging you to walk away (this is a big one, you have flesh and blood people in your life telling you to walk away from abuse). Yes this shit is going to take time heal from, emotionally and financially, but it is NOT irreparable as you said in your letter. I know it doesn’t seem that way now, but try to hear this old lady who was once your age: you are going to recover, and the best things in life are ahead of you. Now go cuddle with your dog 🙂
Agree with every word of this. The cheating is bad enough, but family orgies? — and then the parents say that everyone does it?!!? I am so, so, SO glad you had the guts to get out of there. This is horrific, and — trust me — he is not getting by unscathed. Being him is its own punishment, whether you can visibly see the consequences or not.
This is just flat-out not a good person, and neither are his parents. A hundred thousand congratulations to you for being a bad-ass. 🙌🏽 The world needs more women like you, seriously.
Way to be mighty Pieces!!!! Calling off the wedding was brave and oh so very smart. You don’t want to be like so many of us here who had DECADES with these FWs. I am one of them, thirty year Chump here. My FW was also of the textbook variety claiming that he went to strip clubs for me. He claimed that “Going to strippers helped wipe the thought of AP from my mind. I did it for YOU!”
“Going to strippers helped wipe the thought of AP from my mind. I did it for YOU!”
😆 That’s a SSCS instant classic.
He was full of gems like that. I was going back over my journal entries from early in our separation and upon remembering that particular piece of epic BS, I realized I could write a book. So I am!
“Going to strippers helped wipe the thought of AP from my mind”–it’s just amazing how the FW mind works!
You saved yourself from a life of misery. Well done!
The long term effects from this will be felt of course..but a healthy possible life with herbs, and labs and getting rid of sick family, disturbing friends, outdoor walks, prayer, adding good people only, moving
I found out Tylenol also helps emotional pain…read up and never take too much. Hard on the liver. I’ve had 2 cheaters over 47 years and feel better than years ago. Getting rid of toxic cheaters can lengthen your life..but treating myself harshly and yelling at myself for being so FOOLED did not help at all. Pick a better friend than yourself and get to counseling also. Getting rid of a sick groom who just needed cake and a front woman, saved your life.
You are a hero! And like all brave hero’s, it comes with slings & arrows. Things that hurt. That’s why most people choose to be cowardly instead, in an attempt to avoid that. You’ve got to heal from where those things that wounded you, but you will always have the scars. Wear them proudly & bravely! Change the narrative anytime it hurts. I dumped an orgy cheater! I left a fuckwit at the altar! I ran away from a house because it contained a creep! I got stuck with bills but it was worth it because marrying a walking STD wasn’t an option! I know all about reframing & once you start doing it and stick with it, that’s when you turn the page on pain & anger.
His parents support orgies. So go ahead and tell the women. His parents and their husbands should be ok with the wives knowing because its perfectly acceptable. They may already be aware and take part in them. But just in case I would tell them. Any one pissed off. Whats the problem? You said its perfectly acceptable. Why are you so small minded? Maybe they would welcome the opportunity to have an orgy with their kids grandparents.
Now imagine this. You are married 2 years pregnant and find out he partakes in orgies. Married 2 kids 11 yrs and find out about the orgies. Married 35 yrs 2 kids find out about orgies.
I wish I had known about my cheater I never would have married him. He tricked me into marrying him. Presented himself as something he was not. I felt conned. They are con men/women. We are their marks.
Fantasizing about their demise actually gives me peace. Replaced the rage for me. I feel more calm and relaxed when I imagine them harm. I would never act on it. Im not a violent person. But these fantasies are ok. I think its a normal reaction to abuse. Just because you think these things doesnt make you damaged. Everyone has dark thoughts. But better not to admit it just in case, lol.
Everything CL said, including the litmus test. One day you’ll see what a huge bullet you dodged. As for me…… I was too dumb and scared to call off the wedding and I’m here close to 3 decades later with kids to parent, ghosted by the in-laws and discarded by the FW, and too old to start over. You are strong and smart!
I wrote to Chump Lady to share some of the things I did to deal with my intense rage. They really did help and I hope some of the strategies work for you as well.
https://www.chumplady.com/3-tips-for-dealing-with-betrayal-trauma-rage/
Best wishes to you on your healing journey.
You’re a bad ass! When you imagine the future you missed out on, imagine this. You’re a woman in her 50s who finds out for the 3rd time her husband has been unfaithful. You have teenage kids who are upset, you lose half your wealth, you discover your husband has spent your marital assets on sex clubs and hookers. You start having health issues from the trauma. Not everyone believes you and you lose relationships you’ve had for decades. The divorce drags on. Your ex blames you for everything. His family dumps you.
And when you think of that you can look in the mirror and say to yourself, “Thank god I found out and cut him out of my life.”
You are mighty. The pain will subside. I know it doesn’t feel like it now but you are lucky! It’s a small mercy- embrace it and heal and go live your beautiful life without a scary fuckwit.
OMG you have described my life to a T
Amen!
Wait a second. This family talks about god all day long, and when their perv sons all cheat via group sex (in the same group!), the parents say, “cool, cool.”
I promise you, this jackhole is not gonna go through life unscathed. 🤮
“I know it won’t make you feel better now, but a bazillion chumps here wish they were you. They would gladly pay up front for this kind of loss, than the much huger investment and financial losses after 401Ks, mortgages and children.”
This with bells on. I only wish I had known the truth before I wasted more than thirty years of my life with the FW. But this is no consolation for you right now, Pieces. Eventually, I can’t help but think that it will be.
Consider the alternatives. You could have married him and caught STDs from his creepy, incesty orgy habits which left you unable to have children. You could have had children with him and they could have been scarred for life from discovering his secret. It sounds like he was none too discreet about it.
Don’t be so quick to think FW has it made, either. By their reaction, his parents have indicated that some very sick shit likely went on in their home while FW was growing up. They think it’s normal, so they must be perverts. FW’s life may look to be charmed on the surface, since he gets away with being an asshole, but he can never get away from the hissing vipers inside his head. Your pain and rage will fade in time, but he is who he is forever.
👏👏👏 To you for dumping this turd.
chump2024:
I am so sorry that you went through this trauma. No one deserves such disrespect and abuse. No one.
The only point I would add to the great advice that you have already received, is to suggest checking in with a lawyer about being stuck with 100% of the cancelled wedding costs. Is there some way to sue your FW for half?
No way you should be eating those costs all on your own.
Not one orgy, but orgies?! And his parents are okay with it. And his brother and BIL are active members in the abusive club and it’s all no big deal.
Thank the Lord above you got out of that hot mess! 🙏
He had three additions built on his secret sexual basement and a swimming pool to boot and you hadn’t even walked down the aisle with the fricker! ( read Dr Minwalla’s white paper on deceptive sexuality and trauma if you didn’t get the secret sexual basement reference, it’s incredibly eye opening)
I’m so sorry this f’er destroyed your dreams of a beautiful wedding. He would have destroyed your entire life if you decided to go along with it. You didn’t, you are very mighty!
Anyone being okay with orgies is NOT NORMAL and it’s NOT OKAY! End of story.
And I agree also with our very wise CL, use it as a litmus test to gauge ppl in the future.
Any one in my life that didn’t see that as a show stopping major big deal is not a safe person to have in my life. They would be out.
I might consider the lawyer route too as others mentioned, to get some of your funds back from the house and wedding.
Maybe some retribution would assuage the raging anger over time. I get if the trauma is too much and you just want to get away and be done too. It’s all a lot to take in.
Not to dismiss your anger on any level though, that’s a perfectly healthy reaction to an incredibly sick and depraved man and his family.
Sorry for your pain, it’s just awful what he’s done to you.
But I promise you, years from now, as you’re living your wonderfully loving and happy life, you will be so grateful that you recognized evil and got away in time.
These are truly messed up people. Walking away was 1000% the right decision.
There’s more dark stories there than orgies, which is a frightening thing to even consider.