Can I Get Some Mighty Here?

To any of the newbies, about every 6 months or so, I ask CN to Tell Me How You’re Mighty. Wherever you are in your journey through the Valley of Suck, you report on your accomplishments. And it doesn’t have to be Phi Beta Kappa stuff like earning a law degree while living in your car (although maybe that happened, and if so, rock on!) — it’s real, human-scale stuff.

Maybe you’re a month out from D-Day but lawyered up. Maybe you’ve gone three straight months of no contact. Maybe you’re years out and the kids are okay.

Maybe you went back to school to be a therapist to help chumps. Maybe you got promoted. Maybe you mastered the art of rage plumbing. (It’s a thing.)

Today, share your Gain a Life moments and triumphs!

And remember, even if you feel like you don’t have anything now, you WILL. (And you probably do, but it’s buried under a layer of chump self-deprecation.)

Bring me your MIGHTY!

And TGIF!

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paigeup
paigeup
4 years ago

I not only know that he sucks, I also don’t even really care anymore. I don’t feel mighty, but I’m not his victim anymore. Mighty.

DOCTOR's1stWife&3Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&3Kids
4 years ago
Reply to  paigeup

I changed careers & moved overseas because I thought after retiring (after 35 years of marriage and 3 kids finally out of college) that it was “THE PLAN.”

Unbeknownst to me, it was no longer “our plan”…because THE DOCTOR had a Schmoopie plan & I didn’t get the memo. After a lot of reeling and grappling with the skein, I surrendered to the reality that I will never understand him b/c we do not share the same values. Sure, I THOUGHT we did, but that’s another mistake I made.

BEST question I was ever asked by my therapist was “Of the things you’ve lost with this divorce, what can you can still have, in some form?”

It dawned on me that with some financial adjustments (downward, of course) I could manage to have most of what mattered to me.

So then it became MY plan and I’m doing it.

Being in a new country where I did not know the language and teaching full time was a HARD adjustment.

But not as hard as staying stuck & constantly obsessing about my family blowing up and HOW could the DOCTOR do this to me/us??? Where had my future gone??

I retook my future and found the move to be incredibly enriching and pleasantly distracting and at times, fascinating. And I wanted to crowd out the pain with new experiences that do not remind me of him/us or the past or planned but lost, future.

And it HAS helped. I may not be quite at meh b/c he still pisses me off so much.

But I’m glad he’s not my husband anymore.

And THAT ^^^is mighty huge for me to say, b/c I loved him dearly all of my adult life.

And now, I guess I don’t.

Hmm, meh is not far.

ChumpofDr47
ChumpofDr47
4 years ago

I am weirdly comforted to read all these reports of cheating doctors. I am 33 and have been married to my husband since before he started med school. I moved with him and quit my job 4 times — for med school, for intern year, for residency, and 4 months ago for fellowship. He PROMISED this was the last move and DON’T WORRY about using credit cards to make up for the moving expenses and my lost income from quitting my job. He promised he would pay it all off once he got his first attending job. I’ve taken care of our two kids 99% alone for years. Pick up, drop off, sports practices, birthday parties — all alone. He was busy doing homework, then interviews, presentations, “drug rep happy hours” for “networking,” conferences, cadaver courses, ultrasound courses. It was all for us and for our future! So I had no right to complain! And I believed ALL of those reasons that he was gone and couldn’t parent. Why? Because I’m a chump.

Well, now I’m in a brand new city with no family and friends. I am still parenting alone, and he is living with Schmoopie who, to add insult to injury, is his COFELLOW. She is a doctor too and told him his “kids would be fine” because “kids are resilient.” He says he won’t have to give me anything when he’s making 4 times as much as me next year because during our marriage we have made similar salaries. (That’s actually untrue, I was the only one working through all of med school and have consistently supported him through his education.) But suddenly I am just a piece of trash to be cast aside, and he wants to ride off into the sunset with Dr. Schmoopie. I haven’t accomplished much yet, but I have managed to realize that Dr. Dumbass and Dr. Schmoopie are meant for each other. I hope they enjoy cheating on each other for years to come.

Gettingthereslowly
Gettingthereslowly
4 years ago
Reply to  ChumpofDr47

I’m so sorry your ex is such an ass. To put his behavior into perspective, I was a midlife fellow in a pediatrics specialty while my ex was cheating on me. (He was working “long” hours for a start-up). I was the one racing home to get the kids by 6 when daycare closed, not him (no in-house call in my specialty). I was doing so much of the parenting that when he left us (with a family group text) I had way less work because I no longer had his laundry or dishes and no more trying to put a real dinner on the table. Bottom line, if you care, you make the family #1 priority, if you suck, you cheat. Let them have each other. I’m sure she is as shallow as he is. I know the type. All fun and dopamine and selfish gratification (cause they work so hard, cue the violins).

Take as much of his salary as you can. You deserve it and I’m sure he’s going to believe in his selfish little heart that he deserves it all. I didn’t fight hard enough about money (I wanted it over and it’s a no fault divorce state). Now that the dust has settled and I see his lavish lifestyle (I’ll be working until I’m 70, and I have 100% physical custody -he never wanted any – but his child support is not a lot) it burns me. Thankfully and to make matters worse, a benefit for my moderate pay academic job is college tuition for the kids. He won’t have to pay a dime.

Lastly and most important, though, after 4 tough years, the kids and I are happy! We’re so close and our relationships are so real. My kids lives haven’t been and aren’t perfect, but with one sane parent (you) they will get through this and so will you. You are young. Of all of chump lady’s brilliant advice, I take the reciprocity advice to heart the most. If someone doesn’t treat you the way you treat them, pass. Tuesday will come. I’m not at Tuesday yet, but Monday afternoon is here at last.

CTChump
CTChump
4 years ago

Dear DOCTOR’s1stWife&3Kids,

I feel your pain and want you to know that my life seems very similar to yours! I’m the first wife of a doctor. We have 3 grown kids. We, too, have been married 35 years. We, too, had been making plans for our retirement–places we’d go, how often we would care for our new grandchild. But while he was making these plans with me, he was having an affair with a nurse (younger, but that goes without saying). D-day for me was 10/5/19. They even had sex in our bad, which really grosses me out becasue my stupid-ass husband didn’t even change the sheets. I just found out that he’s been cheating on me for 2+ years (although, how can I even believe that timeline? Also, now I wonder if there were others.). He says it’s “true love.” They “bonded over taking care of sick patients.” They plan to marry.

I applaud you for moving on with your life, and to a new country no less. I don’t think I could do that because I know I need the geographical closeness of family and friends. Still, the idea of moving on and realizing that I truly will be better off without him inspires me. I’m far from “meh” but I see glimpses on the horizon. I’m still in the stage of shock, disbelief; I’m shaking from the realization that I was such a chump, looking back and seeing that he was actually an emotionally abusive SOB my entire life (and with our kids, who have now disowned him, which they say is less about the affair and more about his abuse over the years). The kids say they are relieved to be rid of him.

Physicians have the perfect cover for a cheater: respectable job and crazy hours. I never questioned. I trusted.

I will be substantially less well off financially, I know. I’ve hired a good lawyer and will fight, fight, fight for what’s mine. I will survive, but, boy it hurts like hell. Damn him. I feel scared right now. I feel old (59). I feel that I gave up so much of my life catering to him and managing his effing moods that I somehow lost myself in the process. What do I like? Who do I want to do? Who am I? Better late than never to sort through all this (with the help of my wonderful therapist).

I wish you all the best! I’m so inspired by you and your strength. Thanks for sharing.

OneStepAtATime
OneStepAtATime
4 years ago
Reply to  CTChump

CT Chump….I totally get those feelings you are having (who am I, what do I like, what do I want for me?) I also lost so much of myself because of the ass and didn’t even realize it! It’s so scary to be in the upper age bracket (I’m also in my 50’s) and to have to start your life from scratch.

NotbLUEinTC
NotbLUEinTC
4 years ago
Reply to  CTChump

I’m in your club too, but mine married the now 52 year old Physician Assistant. Good luck to them! And the respectable aura of a doctor is very annoying. I was with my ex when he was in med school, and I saw the people who eventually become docs–they are not special. However, my judge bought it hook, line and sinker. Argh……..

For me DDay April, 2017 & divorce May, 2018. If I could go back, I would:

1. Go grey rock immediately. I didn’t, to my endless regret. I continually reacted to his cruel actions, and now I realize he was trying to make me the “crazy ex-wife”. Unfortunately, it just made me be angry in front of my children. He kept pounding me because he saw the results. Block him now.
2. Your mantra now is “you’re not divorcing the man you thought you married”. This new black hearted creature will become cruel and vindictive. It’s hard to digest, but they want us out of their life immediately, so they can be with their “soul mates”.
3. It’s all about getting the best settlement. Focus on that and your children. The money is what makes them so angry. I received such vile texts the evening of our mediation. He even called my insurance company to get me kicked off the house policy. Fortunately, the agent thought he was crackers and she turned out to be one of the many angels that have randomly appeared when I needed someone.
4. If you’re tempted to respond to his outrageous behavior–don’t! Make a list of people, places and activities that will distract you when you feel like imploding. I have taken so many long walks with my dog, where I screamed at the trees and talked to the bushes. And cried.
5. Focus solely on what’s in front of you. The future will unfold when it needs to. The most important moment is the one you’re in. You can think about the future after your divorce.
6. Sounds like you have confidence in your attorney, but I would still have other trusted people look over any proposed settlement before you sign. People can make mistakes and this is your future financial security.
7. Make time to read this blog & archives on a daily basis. It will give you strength when you think you don’t have any, breath to breathe, cry & and I swear, even laugh. CL & CN are amazing. I thank CL everyday for putting pain to words and CN for making me believe that I can get to Meh & find joy again.
8. Most importantly, be kind to yourself. Practice self-care. This was hard for me as I always put my kids and husband before my needs. This is about YOU!

I’m sending all my energy to you. Hugs.

43yrsachump
43yrsachump
4 years ago
Reply to  NotbLUEinTC

I’m in this club, too. Married for 43 years. Three children, 8 grandchildren. I’m considerably older than you others. I’m 68 now. He left in 2016 because he wasn’t happy and our marriage was over. Nobody bothered to clue me in about that situation. I learned about the shack up a couple of months later, but she had already been there a while. Now I am sure there were others. He had plenty of opportunities. Divorce was final in January, 2017.
We were married while he was in med school. I trusted him to be the person he seemed to be. Like others have said, his job was a perfect set up for him to behave however he wanted. In addition, he got an MBA and was doing consulting work which required lots of travel. At least, he blamed the travel on his work.
My kids want nothing to do with him, and, yes, he blames me. When I am with my kids and grandkids, we have many pleasant things to do. We don’t discuss him. I told them that what they do with him is their business.
I have a very difficult time understanding how a person could be so cruel to someone else for so long, especially to the person he promised to love. There was every kind of abuse except physical. He was very careful in that way and proud of it.
Also I feel very stupid to allow everything to go on for so long and never to recognize it.
I was a stay at home mom after he finished med school, so I never had a career other than caring for my family.
We moved 13 times during the 43 years we were married, and all of them were for his job changes. Of course, I took care of all the logistics for all those moves, because he was busy with his important work of saving lives and helping people.
I actually am enjoying the freedom I have now. I never knew what I liked or wanted before. That was not an option. Now I do what I want to do, eat what I want to eat, listen to music I want to hear, fix up my house the way I want it, watch what I want on TV, go where I want to go, visit my kids when I and they want. Living alone (with my dog) is not much different from when I was married. He wasn’t around much then, anyway.

Elderly Chump
Elderly Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  43yrsachump

43yrsachump,

For some reason there was no reply under your response to my response so I am reverting back to your first comment reply box.

Thanks so much for sharing. I took awhile before I began to write here due to feeling as you did but after awhile I couldn’t keep my fingers off of the key board – mostly to say thank you to people who do contribute because each piece I read that touched me made a difference for me in this process.’

For instance, you wrote that you only accept things in writing from the x due to his gaslighting/blame shifting behavior. I hadn’t thought of that as a strategy to keep things clear. In fact, I have only had phone conversations with him since NC and he has indeed done the twisting of facts on me but I knew it whereas before CL I was unaware and did believe it was me.

I will have to give that some consideration now. A part of me hesitates because I don’t want his wrath if we do have to communicate in regards to our children – I know that establishing boundaries with him causes the malignant narcissist to come out and, quite frankly, I don’t want to hear or read his accusations – my mind goes into overdrive when that does happen and it takes ages for me to come back to myself afterwards. I come to my defense and he can sit back and look cool, calm and collected while I feel like I end up looking like the crazy one. Many stories in Al-Anon like this.

Have your read LACFAL? I was shocked by how I fit the description so perfectly and how he did too. What made me bring that up here are your comments about him blaming you for turning your children against him…Mine does the exact same thing!!! Unbelievable. I didn’t have to say a thing – they all saw what he did and has done for so many years and 2 do still have contact so his statement is completely ungrounded!

I am glad to hear you have found your strength. Yes, there is strength in going NC. I felt I had no control over anything except that that one little thing has made a huge difference for me in calming my right to my own life now. He left because he wanted to be free and do as he pleases so I too am entitled to the same considerations although my new life does not include having sex with random strangers which is what he wanted.

My time is spend finding solid ground under my feet. I still get thrown when a new memory arises and I now see it in a new light. A glare here, a temper tantrum there over the years that made no sense now do make sense….he was probably breaking up with one of his schmoopies or on the hunt of a new toy so he had to devalue me in order to do that.

I am learning to grieve for the young me who was so trusting. Who did love him for all she was worth. Who would have done anything for him and who now sees that she sold herself out on someone who was an absolute phony. I am learning about others just like him ‘out there’ and I am learning about chumps who are wonderful people who do survive as well as thrive at any age. We can start over at any point in out lives.

Kate
Kate
4 years ago
Reply to  Elderly Chump

So, you beautiful geezer girls, I am happy to count myself in your numbers. As I have been reading this site over 16 months and wondering WTF am I going to do.. to start over with NOTHING!!, stripped bare emotionally and financially, I have this sense of knowing that all will be well.

My older brother said to me yesterday that I was born a shining star ( he remembers when they brought me home from the hospital)and that evil people having been trying to snuff out my light…all of my life. He said those that were not evil, the good ones wanted to reach me but I was held in captivity so although they wanted to be with me, experience life with me, they couldn’t. I am 61 years old and finally coming down from the tower where I have been held captive. I will be a late arrival for the happiness party but I expect it to be a good party nonetheless.

I posted a portion of something I wrote recently, but decided to put it here again to remind myself, and you beautiful wizened treasures, that my life, our lives isn’t a measure of them, a portrait of them; those bad players were imposters and do not merit a single tear.

What I am learning, late, is that I am quite good. Exceptionally good and kind; I have all of the spiritual and Christian values that much of humanity strives to achieve. What I have not had is a protective cloak, a proper discernment of evil, and a recognition of narcissistic guile before it has its hand on my heart. Though extreme narcissism is incurable, I do not suffer from such a fate. I am curable, adaptable, capable of wisdom and peace; it matters not if my wisdom and peace is attained late in life. In that way, I am not much different than anyone else. I do not possess any unique powers of failure or suffer from a despair that has not been replicated millions of times by others. I do not deserve a punishment for accepting a lie that I reasonably believed to be true. A good person does not see the world as a pattern of deceit; we do not perceive it that way. We are unaware, unsuspecting, guileless in our goodness; we must unfortunately, like a child, learn to avoid and recognize the harmful creatures that lurk in the world. We must do this so more of us will survive to pass on the good features of our humans.

Elderly Chump
Elderly Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  43yrsachump

43yearsachump,

I am an older chump too. I don’t know how long you have been ‘here’ (CL) and I consider myself pretty new – about a year but in that time I have noted that there are quite a few of us older chumps here which has been very helpful to me.

My story is similar. I gave up my career to be a SAHM. The x was out saving lives too so the long hours made sense as well as the weekend work taking him away from any family time. I stayed busy raising our children who are all grown now too.

After Dday #1, which precipitated my learning how to pick-me-dance, I learned months later that he is a serial cheater and had been unfaithful many times throughout our married lives together – 3 decades worth. He seemed a bit non-pulsed by his own disclosure and, to this day, doesn’t understand my shock which still resounds in my soul in a way that I can’t really put into words well but others here have – the heart catching up with the head knowledge.

I don’t mourn him. My crying days are over yet it remains shocking to me that the man I thought he was doesn’t exist and that he so cleverly lived a double life for so long without me suspecting a thing. I do qualify as a chump extraordinaire but after finding and reading LACFAL I know I am not at all unique in ANYTHING that I did or feel or have felt. Textbook chump.

I too am enjoying my freedom although I do worry about finances. I live on a pretty tight budget which still is taking some getting used to. I don’t want things but expenses keep going up and up – taxes, insurance, groceries, utilities etc and any money I have now is it. Kids have offered to pitch in when my bank account runs out but I prefer to pay my own way. It is a comfort knowing they are sincere in their offers.

Two of my kids still have contact with the x. One does not and sees clearly what he did and has done. Other two seem to be in denial and I keep my mouth shut. As they say, ‘not my circus, not my monkey.’

I basically have a good life too. My dog is a great companion and house mate. I have good supportive friends and attend Al-Anon meetings on a regular basis so my emotional needs are well taken care of as well as my spiritual ones.

Regular reading here reminds me things do get easier and that this in a non-linear process. I forget that sometimes and want to at meh NOW. I am learning patience and it really isn’t all that bad.

Thanks for checking in and sharing here today.

43yrsachump
43yrsachump
4 years ago
Reply to  Elderly Chump

EC,
Thank you for your reply. I have been reading here for 6 or 8 months. I got here via Divorce Minister.

I don’t say much here because I am not eloquent, and I don’t think I have anything useful to contribute. There are so many others here who can say things better than I.

I have not spoken with the cheater in three years. That has been the best thing for me. My rule is that all communication has to be in writing. That way he cannot twist or mince words and say that there was a different meaning. He can’t understand why I won’t have a phone call with him. I just told him that I have my reasons. Anything that he sends me that is not concerning something essential, like financial matters, gets ignored by me. For some reason, that feels powerful to me. For instance, he sent me an email about how my kids (all 30-somethings) won’t communicate with him, that I have turned them against him, (not true!) and that I have to do something about it. I ignored it. I don’t have to do what he says anymore!

It was a big revelation to me the first time he lied to me when I knew, without a doubt, that he was lying. He had a straight face and didn’t even blink an eye. At that moment I realized how easy it was for him to lie, and that I will never know how long or how often he has been doing it. That realization made me want to be away from him completely forever.

I understand about the money. What I have now has to last the rest of my life. I do get alimony for 2 more years if he is able to keep a job. He is on his fourth job (that I know about) since he left three years ago. He and the shack up have lived in three places so far. I hope she likes taking care of all the moving! I don’t have to do it anymore! Now I don’t have to move unless I choose to do it. They live several states away from me, which is a blessing. I don’t have to worry or look around every time I go somewhere to make sure they aren’t there. It’s a pretty remote possibility that he would show up on my doorstep sometime. That’s peace.

One result of the many moves is that I didn’t have friends. Whenever I got to know people, we were off again. I envy the people here who talk about support from their friends. I do have an excellent therapist. He is very supportive. I would be dead or in a psyche ward if not for him. Also I have an excellent pastor. He had the cheater’s number after two lunches with him. I don’t understand how he has the insight. He has been very kind to me. My church denomination is one that does not look kindly on divorce.

I believe that the medical profession is rife with narcissists. I don’t know which came first — the narcissism or the medical degree, but the result is the same.

I, too, want patience, and I want it now!

DOCTOR's1stWife&3Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&3Kids
4 years ago
Reply to  CTChump

CT Chump & WhoisHallisay,

Boy do I relate…it does feel like you’ve become a cliche. But I remind myself that THEY are the cliches. You are in the newness of the shitstorm and it sucks big time. I was really pretty numb at first, (hospitalized actually, but that’s another story)

And it was just too much incoming stimuli, you know?

I’m also 59. This happened in 2016 and I JUST passed my 3rd anniversary of Dday and one year post divorce.

The DOCTOR wanted to pay me zero alimony because he said even though I had not worked full time in over a decade and never earned what he earned, that I “could easily out earn” him, which is close to being insane…he was mean as hell in the divorce and treated me with utter contempt. It STILL STARTLES ME to see those things in writing.

Replaced me and our kids immediately. We were all deeply wounded and I for one was SHOCKED to my core.

So much of the pain was worse because I did not see it coming. And now I get mad at myself as I relive so many moments where I now say “OMG was he lying THEN, too???” Palm to forehead.

It just sucks. But it does improve.

Finding out what I actually prefer and like IS partly helped by traveling around. Crowd out the pain with new GOOD feelings.

I gave up a legal career so the kids could have A parent, and so teaching is a career change, but a relatively fast one to certify in. And I like teaching and turns out, I’m very good at it.

Originally I planned on only going for a year (no grandkids yet) but I’m in my 2nd year and only now, I feel as if I can maneuver around enough to have a decent social life.

One big lesson is for me NOT to plan my future out in too much detail, since the plans I thought were so solid, were not. I have a 5 year bucket list that I go by and I’ve visited 6 countries this year, & spent christmas with the kids in France.

I’m flexible and it’s an easier way to live, though at first your goal will be security. I get that.

Yes the DOCTOR married his schmoopie and I first learned of their affair from his over the top FB posts about the “love of his life” (3 weeks after we started our “trial separation”).

His bff texted him that it was “the most thoughtless post he’d ever seen”.

I have no idea if the DOCTOR knows how horrified many of our mutual friends were. He’s lost some of them for sure. Not that I asked them to take sides but many reached out to me and were just baffled by his cruelty.

I have never once looked at his/her posts but I’m sure they are “VERY HAPPY”!

Know that will be their scripted answer for a long time.

And you’ll probably be blamed for the kids rejecting him, as it’s NEVER their fault for the neglect and criticism over decades, not to mention that 99% of kids are affected by how their parents treat each other. Seeing their dad mistreat their mom YES it affects their views of him.

I’m not at meh, but I am happier & more self confident than I have been in years.

And I’m starting to date in a way that feels exciting. CAUTIOUS, hell yes(!!), but exciting.
I was very attracted to my ex, and finally now, I’m seeing a man whom I find quite attractive as well.

Last thing – I’m in Poland where I heard a Holocaust survivor speak to a journalist. She said that she did Not “just want to survive Auschwitz”, she wanted to be HAPPY.

And that she “would do ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING it took, to be happy.” And she did.

If she can do it, we can.

Keep coming here. Keep posting. I’ll look for you!

whoshallisay
whoshallisay
4 years ago

I’m new on this site, and have spent the last 3 months voraciously reading and trying to absorb the courage and amazing strength of all the chumps… it’s been an amazing experience… your posts have particularly impressed me. I’m just out of a 21 yr relationship that I thought was rock solid…all I have in my brain today is Jethro Tull, …Locomotive breath… that train came down the track and killed my heart, but reading your story of courage, fight back and survival makes me feel like one day I will stand again… thank you.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
4 years ago
Reply to  whoshallisay

My lines from Zac Brown Bands “All Alright,” from an album produced by Dave Grohl:

“I lay my heart on these tracks
When your train comes along.”

thelongrun
thelongrun
4 years ago
Reply to  paigeup

paigeup,

I’m so glad you’re recognizing this. I know how you feel. Just change your pronouns to she/her, and I’m right there w/you. That IS mighty, because it’s a triumph over what you and all of us have gone through dealing w/these fuckwits that we loved w/our whole hearts.

They rejected us? They’re the rejects, really. Their actions say so much more about their shallow, selfish souls than it does about us. Best wishes to you in your journey to the land of full meh. Glad to travel along that road w/you, and all of CN.????

Francois
Francois
4 years ago

I’m a single dad of 4 kids, 11y to 2y old, 50/50 custody. It’s not perfect, but I manage. Also, no contact except kid stuff, for a week (I know…)

neverachumpagain
neverachumpagain
4 years ago
Reply to  Francois

Keep up the good work. Be prepared, though. When your ex figures out what you are doing, they will do everything they can to make themselves central again… don’t fall for it, no matter what kind of drama they pull. Cheaters can’t stand not being the center of attention, so be prepared for some histrionic behavior.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
4 years ago
Reply to  Francois

A week is a great start.

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
4 years ago
Reply to  Francois

You are a ROCKSTAR!!!!

I salute you!!!

CaliChump
CaliChump
4 years ago
Reply to  Francois

I too am now a single dad- twin 13 year old boys. My wife left us November 2nd of last year.. She moved in with a guy she met on Facebook and lives 70 miles away. Left us and her mother who has health issues.

I pick me danced for months, despite having her tell me one day she found the “love of her life “ and the next telling me she wasn’t sure what she wanted.

I finally filed for divorce in June after she told me she didn’t love me but thought of me as a “friend.”

The judge has signed the paperwork (she gave me sole legal and primary physical custody; she visits them occasionally). I don’t pay spousal support and didn’t ask for child support, but she will get a big chunk of my retirement.

As of 11/26/19, I’ll be single again after nearly 22 years married to who I thought was my life mate. I gotta say, I don’t feel mighty.

Chumptopia
Chumptopia
4 years ago
Reply to  CaliChump

Seriously, WHO leaves their children AND their elderly mother when they decide to run off with schmoopie? Now that’s a piece of shit.

You are mighty. Stay strong. ????

CaliChump
CaliChump
4 years ago
Reply to  Chumptopia

Well, she initially said she was going to stay at her mom’s when she left. Said she needed a break (never mentioned the other man).

Apparently she wasn’t staying at mom’s often and refused to answer mom’s questions about where she was going, until she showed up at moms with the boyfriend.

Her mother called her on her behavior and she decided mom, who has rheumatoid arthritis and has trouble walking, was a “controlling and manipulative bitch.” She then moved in full time with him, 70 miles.

She wasn’t home for thanksgiving and Christmas last year. She said she was glad to be away from home and be where people “doted” on her.

I take care of her mother, do her shopping, help her with whatever she needs. Her family has been good to me and very supportive. They have ignored her since this happened and are disgusted with her behavior . Prior to her dad’s death in 2011, he was my best friend and a mentor to me.

Suzoo
Suzoo
4 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Thank you. One month since DDay. He wants to co-parent, make us meals and help us move into the house we renovated the last 8 months, and I found out he’s been cheating on me for 7 months. Hard to break contact because he wants to see our daughter, and frankly wants to be “ friends” with me, but I said that wasn’t happening. Waiting for my lawyer to finish up papers before I slow contact. This sucks- so hard to reconcile HIM with what he did. Grrrrrrrrrrr

CaliChump
CaliChump
4 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Thrive and One Step At A Time:
I can relate to both of your comments too. I’ve been going NC for the most part since July (only email and text) and she gets upset, says she misses talking to me, etc. She’ll text me and say “hugs.”

It hurts and drives me crazy. My son calls her out on her behavior and she’s flippant about it, saying things like “so what “ and “don’t I deserve to be happy?” She seems to ignore their feelings while claiming she loves them and didn’t abandon them. She always says how their responses hurt her.

She talked about how this guy knew she left her family and admitted he encouraged her to do so, but calls him a gentleman (she admitted they had been “friends “ for a year before she left; my brother in law also told me he learned she’d been with other men and had been telling her friends for months she was going to leave and live with this guy).

She shows no remorse for the hurt she’s caused and only talks about herself, yet she plays with my heart and mind and will leave me feeling she may return home.

OneStepAtATime
OneStepAtATime
4 years ago
Reply to  CaliChump

CaliChump….you are so correct! This is the empathy that we should have received from our spouses, but we never did. In hindsight, I never got an ounce of it and didn’t even realize what I was needing. Did you join the Chump Lady Nation (Infidelity support) group on FB? Hope to see you there! I just joined per the suggestion of others in this group, so hope you do too 🙂

CaliChump
CaliChump
4 years ago
Reply to  OneStepAtATime

Thank you. No, I’m not on Facebook and have no desire to do social media. My STBX is addicted to Facebook; I believe that’s where she hooked up with the loser she’s with.

OneStepAtATime
OneStepAtATime
4 years ago
Reply to  CaliChump

CaliChump…..the one thing that drives me absolutely crazy about all of this (and there are many, many things that make me crazy and hurt me in this process…LOL) is that our hearts and minds are never in sync. We know in our minds that they fucked up and that they are disgusting evil “things” that roam the planet; but our heart feels something opposite. It took me a long time to figure out why I missed that piece of shit. It turns out I didn’t miss him, but I missed the idea of him. When we spackle so much we create this image of who we see when we look at them, but in essence that is not who they are at all! So my image got shattered of what I believed and now it takes a long time to heal from my own stupidity. Feeling stupid and humiliated is hard!

Elderly Chump
Elderly Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  OneStepAtATime

OneStepAtATime,

I just learned a phrase that summed up what I have been feeling about this ‘process’ of integrating our head and heart…

Ambiguous grief.

I can’t remember where I read it but it fits perfectly. Broken heart. Anger. Relief. to name a few of the emotions rolling around in my psyche these days/2 years.

Thankfully it is becoming more clear as time passes and NC is doing its work.

Time does indeed heal our hearts and souls but not in any sort of a linear fashion.

Elderly Chump
Elderly Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  Elderly Chump

33yrs.

No reply box under your reply to me so I am responding via my reply box.

I am so glad you are alive and safe. You have weathered a lot. I know the first year, which a friend labeled ‘the war zone’ (She was a 40 year chump..) was horrific for me; so confusing and I hadn’t found LACFAL. I am a Super Chump too 🙂

NC made a big difference for me but it took well over a year to do it finally. I was so used to the chaos from the previous year so the calm was a bit unsettling at first but it didn’t take long for it to grow on me.

When he would hoover, he is a TFC, it was like being tossed back into the emotional grinder all over again. Another chump friend labeled this experience as being ‘infected’. That helped because it really did explain what had happened. He had made his way back into my thoughts and I would have to de-tox for several days before I could pick up where I had left off.

It has taken me awhile to really grasp that he has done what he did for so many years and that he blame shifts and gaslights whenever we have had to talk. That didn’t happen before Dday, he was very skilled at living a double life, so being aware of it so clearly now has helped in smothering any hopium that creeps it way into my psyche.

It is getting so much easier. Al- Anon meetings have helped tremendously. Those people who have lived with this disordered personality stuff or who grew up in homes where it was present are road smart and their experience in claiming their own lives has been a life saver.

I know that when one of my friends loaned me the book Sex Addicts Anon. it was a huge help in that it described his behavior to a ‘T’ – parts of what he did that I could never figure out were right there in black and white. After reading it I was able to let go of any remaining self-blame that I was feeling at the time.

Now its about my life. Discovering who I am after so many years of dedicating myself to him and our children. I feel free but also scared to get too happy – like something will come along and take away my happiness or that I will get terminally ill and die. Kinda like I still don’t believe that I deserve happiness – I am sure that is a remnant of all of this betrayal stuff too.
Weird.

Loose ends remain since I have grown children. One is vocal so I know what is going on with her but the other two are not. I keep my mouth shut yet my heart breaks for them. I think they are in denial so still have that fun dad image of him to help them through. Who knows if that will ever go away.
Not my problem.

Sorry you couldn’t burn your photos today. I should have done that with the remainder of mine. I shredded them instead in my home shredder. I didn’t want to overwhelm the cemetery grounds with all of my faux history…
I could dig the shreds outta the trash and burn em. Maybe I will do that. I have the perfect place to do that too so I won’t burn down my house in the process!

You made it through the day 33!!! Pretty profound – at least to me it is. I have had 3 anniversaries since Dday and it does get easier each year. So do the holidays – thankfully.

You mentioned gratitude. I try to remember to remind myself of all that I am grateful every night too. It really does make a huge difference because I have indeed been richly blessed despite all of this.

Take Care and Hugs to You in your cozy, safe new home 🙂

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
4 years ago
Reply to  Elderly Chump

Elderly Chump, thank you for that terminology, “ambiguous grief”. It is a good reminder that grief is not linear.

I loved the idea of holding a funeral for your husband. The imagery of you in the cemetery shredding the remnants of your marriage resonates with me. I’m glad the geese were there watching you. I’m glad your dog was waiting for you in the car.

So much of the grieving we do is alone. I was going to burn wedding photos tonight but it is raining. That will wait for another day. Today is our thirty-fourth wedding anniversary. I hope that it is our last. I am surprised by how very difficult today has been. Grief has snuck up and waylaid me. I so wanted to be a little old couple together, celebrating our fiftieth. That dream was just as much of a lie as our marriage.

I’m working on being “mentally divorced”. I’m going to go ahead and grieve. I’m crying for wasting thirty-three and a half years on a man who could not love me. I’m sad because I was a super chump, a fucking doormat. I’m glad that has changed.

I am so happy to be away and safe. I’m happy to be in my clean, quiet little shack. I will count my blessings. I have so much to appreciate. I am here.

CaliChump
CaliChump
4 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Thank you. With the anniversary of the day she left coming up (as well as my 55th birthday), I’ve been feeling depressed and overwhelmed. It’s nice to get support from others who have been through this situation and made it through.

CaliChump
CaliChump
4 years ago
Reply to  CaliChump

I know I shouldn’t, but if she would come to me showing genuine remorse for what she’s done and began participating in counseling, I would consider reconciling. I truly loved her. Is that wrong?? I don’t know anymore….

OneStepAtATime
OneStepAtATime
4 years ago
Reply to  CaliChump

CaliChump….I tried to reply to your last comment, but the reply button is gone. I just wanted to say that your feelings aren’t stupid. What you are feeling is totally normal. I hope by the time you read this that you are feeling a little bit better.

CaliChump
CaliChump
4 years ago
Reply to  OneStepAtATime

Thank you OneStepAtATime, and everyone here who has been so supportive.

I find it ironic that the people on this forum, who have probably never met nor will unfortunately never get to meet one another, have more empathy, compassion and understanding for the pain each other is feeling than the spouses who they loved and who promised to love and respect them (and their children) in kind.

Elderly Chump
Elderly Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  CaliChump

CaliChump,

I ditto what onestepatatime has written here. There are many of us who did fall for their ‘stuff’ and it was a living hell. I fell for it – head over heals for it and got manipulated for years, and years and years without even knowing it because he just got better at what he did.

Yes, we did counseling. Yes, he showed remorse. Yes, he ‘showed up’ well.

In the end it was ALL lies.

As Tracy says so often here: “Trust that they suck.”

Hang in. It does get easier. Yes, you will miss her. NC works wonders.

Read, read, read and then read some more until it feels like you head is going to explode. Read here and in the archives. Lots of information to support what Tracy writes about abounds online. Many good books on the subject too but my favorite is LACFAL because it sums it all up in a nutshell.

Good Luck!

OneStepAtATime
OneStepAtATime
4 years ago
Reply to  CaliChump

CaliChump……she is still looking to have you as her cake. She doesn’t miss you or love you, she misses being able to mess with your mind and have that control over you. And we know all of this, but wow…it sure does mess with our heads and hearts. Being lonely sucks! I totally get how you feel.

CaliChump
CaliChump
4 years ago
Reply to  OneStepAtATime

OneStepAtATime,
Thank you. I have my sons with me and we’re very close and do many fun things together, but I still feel lonely and discarded. I know it’s stupid but I miss her.

OneStepAtATime
OneStepAtATime
4 years ago
Reply to  CaliChump

If she did any of those things that your heart is craving, it would only be a game on her part. They have no true remorse like normal people do, and if she entered counseling with you it would only be for show. You would get more lies, gaslighting, manipulating, and so much more. I realized that I was in love with the person I created in my mind…my hologram. I never loved what was really in front of me, but because I spackled so much I was the one who made it all “ok”. I’m still angry at myself for not paying attention to all the red flags. It’s ok to have ambigous grief because it is real and extremely painful. But you need to ask yourself “why would I want to take all that back?” We all get so used to living with so much drama, that when the calmness comes it’s like we don’t know what to do with so much peace in our lives. It’s very overwhelming to lose all that engagement, even though it was never positive engagement. Healing from this isn’t an overnight thing by any means. I had a really bad day yesterday with so many tears and some of those thoughts you are having. I let myself cry whenever I need too because it’s healing, even though it sucks to feel so bad.

CaliChump
CaliChump
4 years ago
Reply to  OneStepAtATime

Yeah, yesterday was tough. I found myself crying last night (this experience has done things to me I never felt and never wanted to).
It’s tough on my boys too.

She texted Saturday and said “Happy Saturday. How are things?” I haven’t responded . Sometimes she’ll send me texts or leave messages that make me feel she may miss our relationship, but she still lives with that guy. I am definitely not to Meh; I think about her everyday.

OneStepAtATime
OneStepAtATime
4 years ago
Reply to  CaliChump

Your story is mine, but just with a different pronoun…he. The anniversary of him leaving is approaching me in a few weeks also and I’m having all the same feelings. I just wonder when I’ll stop hating so much and feel like I can trust again. Not to mention what this all does to a child(ren). Just wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone.

CaliChump
CaliChump
4 years ago
Reply to  OneStepAtATime

Thanks. I understand the feelings; one minute I miss her so much and have a hard time thinking of a future without her and the next I hate her.

My sons are angry at her and hardly talk to her. My one son has ADHD and ODD and he and my STBX often clashed. She intermittently blamed me or him for the marriage failing, calling him a “tornado.”

I’ll be the first to admit things weren’t always perfect, but I loved her deeply and always thought our marriage and family was good and we could weather anything together. She wanted to be “happy “ and live only for herself.
Now she’s living with a 53 year old guy, who lives in the house he grew up in (in the bedroom he lived in as a kid). His older brother owns the house and he, his brother, his brothers girlfriend and my ex live there. His wife divorced him a decade ago and he’s apparently went through several relationships.
He works part time with his brother in construction and owns nothing.

I’m career law enforcement, 18 years, and have good pay, benefits and retirement. I just don’t understand it.

ProfessorChump
ProfessorChump
4 years ago
Reply to  CaliChump

CaliChump, your rewards may take a long time to come – years, a decade, it’s hard to say – but they will come. You are a mighty hero for those kids and they will know it, long before you do. Hugs.

OneStepAtATime
OneStepAtATime
4 years ago
Reply to  CaliChump

CaliChump…..Thrive is right. Mine traded down too. He abandoned a beautiful home, a wife with strong moral and values that truly loved him, and a child that loved and adored him. Now he’s with a howorker that is 15 years younger than him and moved in with her the day after he left (into her run down 1,000 sq. ft home that is in a bad part of the town) and completely walked away from my child. She has no morals and values if she could sleep with my husband knowing he was married. Obviously, I have a lot of anger to still process as well, so I apologize for ranting on. I hurt for my child and I’m not sure how to manage that! But what I’m trying to say is that how you feel is SO normal. It’s ok to hate, feel angry, and still feel confused by the entire thing. I would never do these things to another living soul, but apparently they have no remorse when they do. It’s SICK! 🙁

thrive
thrive
4 years ago
Reply to  CaliChump

They always trade down cuz they have no self worth. It is sad they are so pathetic. But you can’t fix stupid. Good job Dad. Adolescence is a tough time for the boys and it will be challenging for you. You are being a good role model and the boys will be by your side. I’m sorry they have such a shitty mother. It takes time. Just know she sucks. And wow does she! Recovery from being sucker punched is a process. Its OK to feel the way you do. Stay NC. She may come running back- practice saying no. Hugs!

thelongrun
thelongrun
4 years ago
Reply to  Francois

Francois,

You’re on your way! Don’t feel you have to explain yourself w/the “(I know…)”. We’ve all been there. You start out small, and slowly build up. It’s not easy, but it will get EASIER as you continue to minimize contact. And you’ll have setbacks, so GO EASY ON YOURSELF. You’ll get back on track.

I’m the dad of two older daughters (both were in college, one abroad in England, when their fuckwit mother decided I wasn’t making her happy enough and decided to have an affair and move in w/her now former boss, who’s a rich, formerly important state politician). I also have a younger son w/said fuckwit XW, who’s just turned 14 yo (he was 11 yo when their mother abandoned me and our family structure). I have 50/50 custody regarding him.

It wasn’t easy to get to greyrock w/their mother, but w/many setbacks, at roughly two and a half years after D-day, I’m pretty much there. And their mother is still trying to exert her manipulative ways w/me, lest you think I don’t have to deal w/much to maintain that state of greyrock. Just the other week I had to remind her in a business-like manner via text (civilly, not cordially) that she shouldn’t assume I can always cover watching our son when she and her POS partner decide their plans are more important than our son (she literally said that she assumed I could cover him for her while they go away for the THIRD WEEKEND IN A ROW that she’s supposed to have him).

The fact that I CAN watch over him is beside the point (I’m still trying to figure out how I can trust another woman w/my love after her traitorous acts, so unlike them I’m not acting as if I’m on my honeymoon and ignoring my duty to my son). He and my girls are my primary focus now.

How did she reply, you ask? She threw at me the non sequitur text that she was worried about the state of the electrical system in the house that I live in along w/our son (it gets more ridiculous when you realize I’m living in the house she insisted we downsize into to keep her local political position, and moved into about a year prior to her affair). I bought out her half of the equity in the house to provide some stability for our son, and to simplify things for me post D-day, when I had enough to deal with. Funny, her treachery regarding my strong love for and trust in her, as well as the end of our almost 25 year marriage weighed heavily on me. I’m silly that way.

She tried to tell me where she thought I should live other than the previously mentioned house twice, and both times were before divorce stipulations were formed. First on the phone privately w/me, and the second time in front of the mediator she so desperately wanted us to use instead of lawyers (to her consternation, I decided I needed a lawyer to protect myself, since it was clear I couldn’t trust her to care about me anymore). The mediator couldn’t believe what he was hearing, but both times after my silent response, she said, “I guess that’s not my place anymore.” Damn right it’s not!

So, to get back to my main point, don’t give up, and realize you’re doing a great job, especially considering the shitstorm you’ve been handed. Try to think positively about what you’ve done, and don’t be too hard on yourself. Best of luck to you and your kids. I’m hoping we’ll all be laughing down the road that we EVER let these fuckwits matter so much to us, when they obviously never appreciated OUR worth, or their children’s welfare. Just try to be the sane, normal parent for your kids. That’s priceless, especially when contrasted w/the shitty examples all of our exes are presenting to them.

MARCUS LAZARUS
MARCUS LAZARUS
4 years ago
Reply to  Francois

That NC thing. It’s like learning to play guitar… It actually gets easier the more you do it.
I say to myself, “Self!! IT’S Neuromuscular Programming Dammitt!!!” Which resets my brain with a perfectly logical REASON not to get frustrated when My fingers won’t go where they’re supposed to at my brain’s command. Keep at it Bruv! Be That Dude!!

kathy
kathy
4 years ago
Reply to  MARCUS LAZARUS

Is it truly re-programming? I’m at 71 days but is still hard at times!

neverachumpagain
neverachumpagain
4 years ago
Reply to  kathy

Yes, it is. You are still at the beginning, it does get easier but you do have to work at it. It took time, conscious de-programming, and a good therapist but I got there. There will be times when you think you are at meh, and then *poof* cheater pops up somewhere, sometime, unexpected and says or does something that sets you off. You will have to “reset”, and may have to do this many times before you reach meh. You will know you have reached meh when, after 2 years NC, Cheater calls you to ask if you can watch his cats while he and Schmoopie go on vacation. When you chuckle and shake your head like WTF as you delete his message, then you will know you are at meh, and it will be a wonderful moment.

UXworld
UXworld
4 years ago
Reply to  Francois

Welcome to the brotherhood, sir. We’re glad to have you.

Rebecca
Rebecca
4 years ago
Reply to  Francois

That’s amazing! You are one mighty dad ????????
Setting a great example for other parents and other dads.
One week is huge because it leads to 2 weeks…

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  Francois

Good on you! Someday you’ll have some very proud kids.

DuddersGetsChumped
DuddersGetsChumped
4 years ago

Deep in the valley of suck I did 8 weeks intensive study and got my next HR qualification and also landed a new job with more £££ and better benefits and a role on the Leadership Team which couldn’t have come too soon given these situations don’t come without financial upheaval.

Yesterday on a call with ex (necessary one about child, am as no contact as humanely possible) of course some mild gaslighting ensued (let’s talk again about how we’re in this situation because of me, not cause of your affair and let’s talk again about how hard this is for you to move us away from the fact you are clearly using coercive tactics to get our daughter to buy in to what you want) I didn’t buy the narrative. I mean not that I ever did entirely but it would always make me think, maybe he’s right. This time I thought not that bullshit again. Anyway, back to the subject in hand….. Mighty step forward, much harder than the study.

Finding Peace
Finding Peace
4 years ago

Haha, Its so funny how we are the reason for the situation not the affair. My ex would use the same one, but every time he sends nonsense like this thru the court server My reply is ” How about we deal with problems going on now.” Then list thing like back child support and health insurance he hasn’t paid or tell him about upcoming doctor,dental or eyeglass appointments and cost. You get the point. It shuts the **** down. Don’t buy the narrative and stay strong. You are Mighty!

Cheryl
Cheryl
4 years ago

I got our Daughter set up in first year of University in London, physically, academically, emotionally and financially.
By myself.
Didn’t think I’d manage it but the heavens and the hustle aligned and all she saw was grace, gladness, hard work and joy.

unicornomore
unicornomore
4 years ago
Reply to  Cheryl

That is fabulous.

My husband is years out from his divorce but has gotten his daughter settled into a wonderful Univ with all the logistic stuff all settled but we had to move heaven and earth to make it happen.

Her mom who rode her daughters ass to “get good grades so you can get into a good school” then wouldn’t let daughter leave their (charming but) small city that only had a really shitty school. Her refusal triggered a clause in the divorce decree getting her out of paying anything for college. Her mom took her phone, her car insurance and tried every trick in the book to coerce daughter into doing as her mom preferred.

Children aren’t pets and we don’t own them. It is unfair to not let a kid go into the world and use the opportunities they worked for. We pay all her fees and moved her into her dorm where I got to do all the mom stuff. We never said her mom couldnt do parents weekend, but she didnt/wouldnt.

Be super proud of you !!

MamaMeh
MamaMeh
4 years ago
Reply to  Cheryl

Cheryl, that’s just wonderful. Go you (((hugs)))

Cheryl
Cheryl
4 years ago
Reply to  MamaMeh

Thank you for the hugs. There’s been so many days I needed that and it is appreciated.

Shelly
Shelly
4 years ago
Reply to  Cheryl

That is spectacular! Superwoman! Inspirational.

Cheryl
Cheryl
4 years ago
Reply to  Shelly

Thank you so much.
We are poor, it was hard, but we can do hard things.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
4 years ago
Reply to  Cheryl

Yes, we can.

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
4 years ago

I’m still here. That is my mighty! I wanted to die. Now I don’t.

Thank You, Chump Lady. Finding this site, connecting with Chump Nation gave me the tools I needed to save my life.

LACGAL literally!

ZULU23
ZULU23
4 years ago

I had the same experience , 5 days after D-day he attends work party with OW telling me he is with clients , arrived at his work only to discover he was with her, overdosed he left me unconscious to help someone move and then only took me to hospital in the late afternoon, doctors say I should have died, the next day it was work as usual for him , I’m so happy that I finally have the will to live and can see a future with out him – Im rediscovering my self , and still trying to sell our home that we own jointly and which he refuses to move out of

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
4 years ago
Reply to  ZULU23

Zulu23, I’m glad you survived. The effort is takes to reconnect with yourself is Herculean. I’ll be so glad when you do not have to live in the same house as that ass.

Please be careful. Take the very best of care of yourself.

thelongrun
thelongrun
4 years ago

Thirtythreeyearsachump,

My God, my heart goes out to you. I never WANTED to die, but I thought I was GOING to die of heartache after D-day, and months of fruitless pick-me-dancing trying to get my POS XW to reconcile w/me.

I’m SO glad you were able to get past that. Even though I didn’t travel all the way down the dark path post D-day that you did, I GET IT. There, but for the grace of God… I could have easily slipped from feeling like I was going to die to wanting to die (just to be clear, I’m not religious, but I was brought up Catholic, and now just identify as spiritual).

And yes, finding this site was CRITICAL. Reading LACGAL, too. It made me realize that far from being alone in this situation, there were MANY people of all persuasions around the world who were dealing w/this horrible situation.

This may not be the perfect point to say this, and I think I’ve said it on this site before, but I feel the need to say it again, since my XW seemed to put stock in the common fallacy of alphas and those not alpha in human society. I’m pretty sure she felt that she and her new partner were alphas, and that that excused most if not all of what they did to be together. Kind of a twu wuv, w/an added edge.

The reality is, there are no alphas in human society. That was an idea started by a mistake in wolf research, and the researcher who introduced that idea has since admitted they made a mistake. Instead, I believe there are only various shades of assholes and good people in the world, w/the assholes gaining more of a foothold in material things and matters because they don’t give much of a shit about anyone but themselves. It’s left to the good people in this world to stand up in whatever way they can to those assholes and the acts they commit. It’s a lot harder to be good in this world than it is to be an asshole. It requires more personal strength, to be a good person, contrary to what those assholes think.

Stay w/us, Thirtythreeyearsachump. You’re a good person. We appreciate you and all you’ve been through, so much. We want you around. The world needs us all, to help counteract all the assholes out there, like our former spouses/partners. To be better examples to the current and next generation, and/or our children.

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
4 years ago
Reply to  thelongrun

Thelongrun, thank you for your kind and encouraging words. I am here and I’m staying. I won’t give him the satisfaction of erasing me.

It is hard work to be the better person. I fight a perverse urge to throat punch the assholes of the world. But I’ve learned a better defense, Grey Rock and No Contact.

Thank You for reminding me that the world needs me. I have fought feeling invisible and unwanted. I like the idea of being a warrior princess against the power of assholes. Kindness Prevails.

DOCTOR's1stWife&3Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&3Kids
4 years ago

THIRTYTHREE years,

I got to 35 years when the rug was yanked out.

I met him when I was 19 so I literally loved him all of my adult life.

But like you, I’m still here. And doing a lot better. I do not want to die. I want to live happily, and I will do whatever is humanly possible to make that happen for my life.

I know my kids are watching but also, I deserve to be happy.

So do you.

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
4 years ago

Thank You so much, DOCTOR’S 1stWife&kids,

Tomorrow is our thirty-fourth anniversary. I am trying to celebrate my independence. Celebrate the past six months free of the daily pain of living with him. It is better to be fuckwit free.

Now I know other women and men have lived through the aching betrayal of adultery and survived to flourish. I love reading these tales of the Mighty. It inspires me to know that I will survive to shine.

I’ve made plans for tomorrow. I’ll be attending our Homecoming Parade and going to the football game. If I run into former classmates and they ask after him I will have the standard “I didn’t like his girlfriends.” response. I am going to go and enjoy the day. Because I am mighty.

ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
4 years ago

And me ❤❤❤

Rebecca
Rebecca
4 years ago

Don’t you dare leave us. We may be virtual but we count as your supporters.
I personally want to see the settlement you get and cheer you on as you discover a whole new life in front of you. After a long marriage, there is still a whole new life ahead. Can’t wait to hear what you find!

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
4 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Rebecca, thank you! I’ve learned so much, come so far. I’m here for the long haul. I won’t give him the satisfaction.

I know I have Chump Lady and Chump Nation as my support team. That means a lot, more than you all realize. I am not alone. Chump Nation never sleeps.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
4 years ago

@33years[aWonderfulPerson]…. I’m here for you ????????????????????

OneStepAtATime
OneStepAtATime
4 years ago

I wish there was a way for some of us to connect outside of this forum. I think a lot of us could use some good one on one support and solid connections with others who have been through the same thing.

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
4 years ago
Reply to  OneStepAtATime

There is a Facebook group (private, for good reasons) called Chump Lady Nation (Infidelity); find it and click on “Invite” on the top of the page. One of the mods will help.

Lots of good info and support there!

WTHHappened
WTHHappened
4 years ago
Reply to  OneStepAtATime

OSAT, You gave me an idea! You know, you could put a post on FB or one of your local pages and see if there are any other ChumpLadies out there.

I think that’s what I’m gonna do for my local area here in TX.

I remember doing this years ago for another site I was on, FlyLady and found others who were in there and we met up. We also saw each other at a function she had in Dallas.

I’m so excited to go do this! I say we all do it in our local areas and see who we find.

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
4 years ago
Reply to  OneStepAtATime

There’s a facebook group for Chumplady & Chumpnation, called Chumplady Nation. It’s closed for privacy, but I alerted a Mod to your request.

OneStepAtATime
OneStepAtATime
4 years ago
Reply to  Soldiering On

Soldiering On….I just put in my request to join the group. Thank you for letting me know about this 🙂

Elderly Chump
Elderly Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  OneStepAtATime

OneStep…

You never know where support will come from. I found a woman who was married 40 years and then Dday. She works at my local library and a friend told me about her. She has been a tremendous support because she is 2 years ahead of me and I have watched her change for the year I have know her.

I lucked out with a wonderful Divorce Care group. Both of the leaders were chumps …. betrayed by their wives 20 some odd years ago. One of the men has been leading the group I attended for 20 years weekly – year round!!! They were wonderful and our sharing in the group was given priority over the films they show.

I have mentioned before that Al-Anon has helped me tremendously too. I found a wonderful group which makes a big difference – some groups can be awful, I am sorry to say but it does happen, so if you find one you don’t like – don’t give up. Find another meeting somewhere else since different people attend different meetings. We always recommend that people attend 6 times before making up their minds about if Al-Anon is a fit or not.

Good luck and I am glad you found CL and CN.

OneStepAtATime
OneStepAtATime
4 years ago
Reply to  Elderly Chump

Kate….YES!!! How can we make this happen? Any ideas?

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
4 years ago
Reply to  OneStepAtATime

OneStepAtaTime, I do too. I live in a very small town in a rurally remote area. I’ve tried to find Divorce Care or any Divorce Support Group to no avail. Elderly Chump suggested looking into Al-Anon as a support group. I’ve given some thought to creating my own support group. Fear and shame keeps me from doing that. I don’t feel qualified to lead any group. I won’t give up. I’ve joined a Knitting Club and a Ukelele Club, that is a step towards connection.

This forum is a lifeline to me. I would love to have a Chump Meet-Up. Unless you have experienced the devastation of infidelity you don’t know the pain. Chump Nation is simultaneously the club nobody wants to join and the club that most benefits its members in their darkest hours. Chump Nation never sleeps.

Kate
Kate
4 years ago

Would love a Chump Meet Up too. Would be so nice to see the live faces of these amazing women.

Don M
Don M
4 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Such empathy, kindness and genuine caring on this site. Rebecca, your thoughts are but one example.

Imagine how the world could be if the CL Nation ethic of “I am my brother’s keeper” could prevail in more situations.

Fearful&loathing
Fearful&loathing
4 years ago
Reply to  Don M

????
I second Dons comments. This community helps me maintain the notion that the world at large really is filled with good people.

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
4 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Chump Lady, I’m so glad to be here.

Gettingthereslowly
Gettingthereslowly
4 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Me too.

DOCTOR's1stWife&3Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&3Kids
4 years ago

Our youngest child was cut off of tuition after the DOCTOR (lied) told her that he was giving me “all of his salary” – which is so laughable that it’s INSANE as he literally never paid me what the court ordered, not even once.

But it hurt her deeply AND came right after she’d been assaulted at school and then arrested at a political protest…

I had had a stroke (I’m recovered now but was fucked up for several months and could not get a job as a lawyer at age 56 and with short term memory loss ANYWHERE)

It was a ROUGH YEAR for my children and I.

My wonderful son launched a financial aid campaign for the $60k a year tuition bill for his youngest sister and he included my medical records and the DOCTOR”s “no money for you” letter to our daughter…

and she got $45k in GRANT money.

So, NO THANKS to the DOCTOR/deadbeat dad,

AFTER 2 psychiatric hospitalizations, a very public arrest, an assault AND total loss of tuition, and zero sight of her father,

my youngest graduated from college ON TIME, with her brother, sister and ME there to see.

Yeah, we are all mighty.

unicornomore
unicornomore
4 years ago

Super Duper mighty and your kids are fabulous.

My husbands x is sitting on piles of cash she refuses to contribute to school but our lawyer said the divorce decree was poorly written and we have no options. My husband is the “show up” parent and his daughter knows it.

Kate
Kate
4 years ago

I am raising 4 kids alone while working in sales & traveling and climbing the corporate ladder. Ages 4-14 years old. In the last two and half years I have: traveled with my kids, divorced his ass in 4 months, got the house, started saving significantly for retirement, Promoted into outside sales & closed lots of deals, got life insurance, gotten to Meh, etc. My latest accomplishment was that my 14 year old had emergency surgery. Him and I in a room for 3 hours and I didn’t say a word. I think that was the longest I have been silent since I was born.

NewDawn
NewDawn
4 years ago
Reply to  Kate

Kate, you are amazing. I want to be like you!

I’m figuring out how to get back into the work force after a 13 year hiatus and being financially independent again. How do you manage the travel with your four kids? Is dad in the picture at all? We live in a small but expensive community and I’m trying to figure out how to not make small town money.

lasvegaschump
lasvegaschump
4 years ago
Reply to  Kate

Kate!!! You kick ass and you’re mighty AF!!! 3 hours??? Hell, yeah!! Glad your baby is doing well! #chingona #cantstopwontstop #boomshakalaka

unicornomore
unicornomore
4 years ago
Reply to  Kate

That is badass mighty

chumpiness
chumpiness
4 years ago
Reply to  Kate

Silence is mighty!

al K
al K
4 years ago
Reply to  Kate

You have some superpowers!

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
4 years ago
Reply to  Kate

Kate! I love your post.
It made my heart sing!
YOU are so Mighty!
(wishing your son a speedy recovery).

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
4 years ago
Reply to  Kate

Mighty AF! Strength and healing to your child.

MamaMeh
MamaMeh
4 years ago

In Australia it’s spring – my third since Dday and first since the Real Tuesday. I bought him out of our home (finally settled a few months ago), and while I’ve already done a lot of decontamination of the house, THIS is the spring I’ve got stuck into the outdoors.

Hard pruning, brutally ripping out anything old, overgrown or underperforming, chopping out dead wood … symbolic, much?! I’ve gone the full Sarah Connor with the hedge trimmer and a high pressure cleaner (years of built up grime and mould on house, verandah, pavers) and I feel absolutely MIGHTY … whoop!

MARCUS LAZARUS
MARCUS LAZARUS
4 years ago
Reply to  MamaMeh

G’Day MM! Laid out like a lizard in the sun!! Yip!?
Loved the Full ON Sarah Conner bit. Cheers!!

Cloud
Cloud
4 years ago
Reply to  MamaMeh

Ha! Yes! Rage landscaping!

Last week, some friends and I ripped out the above ground pool in MY backyard. (Two weeks ago, I closed on the re-fi that made the house MINE.) I associated the pool with him – and now it’s gone gone gone. Big pile of debris in my front yard -?ready to be hauled to the dump. Symbolic, yes!?

Spoonriver
Spoonriver
4 years ago
Reply to  Cloud

Rage landscaping!! Me too!! My son-in-law helped. We stayed up until 4 AM ..he encouraged me to burn the garden bench I gave fuckwit for father’s day. I feel lighter.

MamaMeh
MamaMeh
4 years ago
Reply to  Spoonriver

Burn the bench!! Love it.

Ding dong the bench is dead. Mighty yes!

RaffNoMore
RaffNoMore
4 years ago
Reply to  MamaMeh

Rage landscaping!

Chumpychump
Chumpychump
4 years ago

14 years now after D-Day -Asshat and truelove left to realise a dream on a sailboat in the about 10 yes ago. I divorced his ass, raised 2 kids. Son finished uni, daughter is in the final year. Both are happy and healthy. The house and garden have never looked better. And I got voluntarisme leave and started my own business – and it is successful! I call that mighty.

Chumpychump
Chumpychump
4 years ago
Reply to  Chumpychump

14 years now after D-Day -Asshat and truelove left to realise a dream on a sailboat in the pacific about 10 years ago

@in.light.of.grief
@in.light.of.grief
4 years ago

I’m 1 and 1/2 yrs out from discovery and 4 months from divorce. I spent the first year doing intensive therapy and figuring out who my new community was. I travelled a lot and got promoted. I am #2 in my company for my role. I spent time with the kids I sometimes babysit and started a movie night with some friends. I painted a mural in my neighborhood. I learned to drive a lot better than before (I live in a city where it’s not always necessary). I am 4 months no contact with him or his family. I lost weight and kept most of it off and have changed up my wardrobe over time so that I love getting dressed. I now don’t have to wonder what’s going on with my money or how I’m going to have to “fix” the next thing cheater ruins. I am lonely sometimes but mostly I’ve filled my life with new friends and fun hobbies. I’m totally in control of my reality and I am at peace with knowing all the mistakes or accidents I made/have are solely mine.
Next month I am spending day of the dead in Mexico City and I’m very excited.

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
4 years ago

It sounds like you gained a life and it sounds wonderful. Good for you!

Cuzchump
Cuzchump
4 years ago

I am back to the person I was. I find joy in life. I get to sleep in a bedroom that doesn’t smell like smoke. I can listen to any kind of music in my car. I can talk on the phone without him butting in. I can save money.
I am happy to be alive. I did not realize how toxic it was living with a cheater until I was free of him. I also learned that it is ok to put myself first.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
4 years ago
Reply to  Cuzchump

I love this! Go Cuzchump!

Daddypants
Daddypants
4 years ago

18 months ago I lost everything, and all I had to show for it was 50/50 custody. Fast forward through all the drama, and she has proven to be a deadbeat. She took the money and ran off with her high school boyfriend. I stayed strong through all the BS and finally took her to court again. It’s all still pending but she hasn’t had the kids in 4 months. I own a business and am a full time Dad of two girls. And we are crushing it.

Finding Peace
Finding Peace
4 years ago
Reply to  Daddypants

You lost everything financially, but you kept the only thing that really matters (two beautiful girls). I lost all my material stuff, but I have my two beautiful girls. We are the real winners. Stay strong you are Mighty!

MARCUS LAZARUS
MARCUS LAZARUS
4 years ago
Reply to  Daddypants

(que soundtrack ‘ALIENS’- )
Sgt Apone: “GRRRRR….BADASS!!!…SIMPLY BADASS!! GIT SUM TODAY!!”

TheFooledTwiceDad
TheFooledTwiceDad
4 years ago
Reply to  Daddypants

Killing it!

Cloud
Cloud
4 years ago
Reply to  Daddypants

My ex’s first mistress divorced her husband to run off with mine, who was her HS boyfriend. (Except then my ex – then husband – “cheated” on her with a woman he found on a sex site that he has since married. She’s lovely. All drug addict tattooed weird little pony tails hair loves a good orgie and all.)

In all this, I’ve often thought of that first mistress’ now ex. I hope he is doing as well as you. I hope he realizes how lucky he is to be away from her. I hope he knows how all of us chumps deserve a life, free of these toxic horrible cheaters….

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
4 years ago
Reply to  Cloud

Cloud, maybe when you’re free and ready you should take that guy to lunch? If nothing else I bet he could use a good friend to lead him to CL!

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  Daddypants

I salute you to!

Francois
Francois
4 years ago
Reply to  Daddypants

I salute you too!

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
4 years ago
Reply to  Daddypants

I salute you, Brother.

You, are indeed, The Man.

RadMomma
RadMomma
4 years ago

I’m in my third year of college to be an elementary teacher. First year went through divorce, second and ongoing, a custody battle (which he filed almost immediately after settling the divorce). I have a 3.9 GPA. I take care of my 4 kids full time. Work full time. Being involved in custody fight might as well be full time job too for all the toll it takes. Homeschool two of my kids for their medical issues. Take care of my house. Have remodeled the entire thing. This year kids have had 4 surgeries. Might need one more. Braces. Sports. Music. I’m exhausted, but I put everything I can into these kids so they don’t miss out because of what their dad did.

One day, before going no contact, I heard him laugh at a meme as he read it out loud: Your mom is more of a man than your dad is! Hahaha!

Sadly true. I like the one that goes around that says: it takes a rad Momma to be a father too.

NewDawn
NewDawn
4 years ago
Reply to  RadMomma

You are amazing, RadMomma!

I’m trying to figure out how to continue homeschooling and support myself financially. This is not easy and I’m so glad to see how you are pushing through it.

unicornomore
unicornomore
4 years ago
Reply to  RadMomma

Im tired just reading that. You are wildly mighty

al K
al K
4 years ago
Reply to  RadMomma

ANother one with superpowers!

BetterEveryDay
BetterEveryDay
4 years ago

18 months out, I’ve gotten a better job, kids are doing much better, I handle EVERYTHING and have become the master of efficiency and strategy to make it all happen! (He’s as useful as a flat tire.) I google anything I don’t know how to do and figure it out. I workout regularly which helps my mental health beyond measure AND I am looking pretty good! The actual divorce may go on forever, but whatever!

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
4 years ago

I saw an interview with Roy Rogers. I believe it was with Johnny Carson. He talked about losing his 1st wife while giving birth to their son, the day 2 Marines arrived at his door to deliver the news of his military son…..just lots of tragedy.

Roy Rogers stated that his response to tragedy and pain was to give everyone he met a smile, courtesy, and kind words because everyone you meet is dealing with some sort of problem. Not just you.

I believe that following Roy Rogers advice has been my greatest accomplishment.

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
4 years ago

I love this…thank you so much for sharing!!!

Mightymiss
Mightymiss
4 years ago

Just an article that shares your thoughts and mightiness…… Remain blessed.

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
4 years ago

Beautiful post SuperDuper!
YOU Are Your Name!
❤️

Gettingthereslowly
Gettingthereslowly
4 years ago

Yes.this.

Gettingthereslowly
Gettingthereslowly
4 years ago

I am raising teens alone who definitely are acting out at times to get their absent dads attention. (It doesn’t work, he and child bride have plans). I have a full time job. And dogs. And friends, and a house to maintain. I am a mighty woman!

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
4 years ago

Applause!!!!!!

OUTSTANDING!!!!

Susan Devlin
Susan Devlin
4 years ago

One of my daughters said you and dad are completely different.and its completely true.

Anita
Anita
4 years ago

My mighty is that I now cut ANYONE who treats me badly out of my life. The only exception I will make for this is my child. I hope it never gets to that point but even if it does, I will never give up on her.

That said, all other toxic people are gone. This includes siblings, relatives, exes, school friends. Anyone. If you do something deliberately to hurt me, you are gone. I will probably still be civil ( only enough to get away from you if I see you, or hear from you) but there will be no relationship. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. Buh byeeee, loser.

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
4 years ago

Today is my 22nd wedding anniversary…not divorced yet….(we have a complicated divorce and it is slow going but moving in the right direction…).

Last night I coincidentally was next to him at a red light. I think it is only the second time in two years that I have run into him. I did not look over to see him or if he was with anyone. When the light turned green I pulled out ahead and drove away.

Yes, it triggered me for sure. Yes, I wondered if he was with anybody. But my hIgher self, the person I want to be, was the one in charge of my actions and I am glad I kept my eyes forward and I didn’t have a stalking relapse.

It is so surreal to think that 22 years ago last night I was getting ready to marry him the next day. Today I am getting rid of any leftover wedding memorabilia. I will box up the pictures for my daughter.

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
4 years ago

Velvet Hammer, I salute you! Burning wedding memorabilia is the best anti-versary celebration I can imagine. My thirty-fourth anniversary is tomorrow. I believe I’ll end the day’s festivities by burning photographs. Thank You for all your wonderful posts. You are mighty!

Elderly Chump
Elderly Chump
4 years ago

33yrs,

We must be on the same wave length.

I just finished shredding the photos from our wedding scrapbook this evening and last evening I had a funeral, by myself and some Canadian geese, at a nearby cemetery.

The dog waited patiently for me in the car. He was on the look out for the psych police in the event they came around due to my odd behavior – no casket just an elderly woman wandering around shredding small pieces of paper as she walked amongst the head stones. ( I had taken a couple of the photos from the album with me to shred by hand. I never knew I could tear paper into such eansy weansy pieces. I guess old dogs can learn new tricks after all 🙂

My thought to you tomorrow. (I almost made it to 30 years – Dday came about a week prior to our anniversary. Shows how much that meant to him. I wish hind sight wasn’t so hind. Oh well 🙂

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
4 years ago

Happy Anti-versary!

I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow, 33…..

XXOO

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
4 years ago

Velvet Hammer
I am there with you, at that red light.
I see you advancing straight ahead, straight ahead, no looking over, no looking back.
I am SO proud of you girl.
You Rock!

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
4 years ago
Reply to  peacekeeper

I’d rather be your friend than his wife any day of the week!

❤️

NotTodayFuckwit
NotTodayFuckwit
4 years ago

I’m hoping that, the next time CL asks for mighty reports, I’ll have a better one to offer. For now, I’m thankful that I’ve finally reached acceptance. Its taken almost a year post d-day (Thanksgiving) to get here, I’m a super chump. I can’t change what’s happened, I didn’t do anything to cause it, and I can only control ME and what my future (and my son’s future) looks like. Also finally internalizing the fact that the fuckwit’s shame is NOT mine to own. Letting go…it’s my mighty for today.

NotTodayFuckwit
NotTodayFuckwit
4 years ago

Thanks, unicornomore – I appreciate your encouragement! Have to admit that I am still at “train wreck” stage though – last year’s d-day was actually d-day #2 for me (last one was 5 yrs ago – he claims that one wasn’t physical, but now I’m not so sure if that was true. Also didn’t appreciate finding the Ashley Madison account, that he set up “just because I was curious”.) So the fact that I still haven’t found the gumption to serve him is, well, crazy. And I know it.

Our stories are somewhat similar: My fuckwit works 1500 mi away from Mon-Thurs each week and stays in a hotel that is just a few miles away from OW’s house. Probably makes it convenient for both of them, given that she’s still married with kids as well – they are coworkers, so tons of opportunity. He told me last Dec that he was going to change jobs…alas, that hasn’t happened. So yeah, wreckonciliation isn’t going well…had a lawyer draw up papers a few weeks ago, but can’t bring myself to execute them. I’m thinking that this is just something I’ve got to do on my own time, when I finally decide that enough is enough – and I will know when that time comes. Until then, I’m just happy to finally reach acceptance about the situation. It probably sounds like I’m taking baby steps…but it’s all I’ve got right now.

unicornomore
unicornomore
4 years ago

Part of my personal narrative was that he WOULD NOT physically betray me so when I looked at his actions, that was my filter. Im also not a suspicious person at all. Honestly (perhaps stupidly) I saw him as a quirky dude, he did strange things that I wrote off. He travelled for his work the whole time we were married and I really believed that he was faithful.

Perhaps embarassingly now, I admit that I sort-of, kinda believed his denials of sex to his dying breath because he held so firm to it and odd little things he said to me over the years. I more-or-less still believed it when I found photos of OW in his office after his death.

What finally pushed me into really internalizing that he had sex with OW was that I found documents he kept for his work expense accounts. He was a military supply officer and his documents were perfect down to the penny and the day. I found the particular packet of reciepts for the trip where he claimed that he and OW found themselves together by happenstance yet the documents showed the trip was planned in advance. That lie showed me how well and regular he lied to me and the whole castle of decades of lies tumbled down for me at that moment.

Later, a leader at church who had offered confidential counseling to Cheater (and was rightly bound to confidentiality during Cheaters life) felt compelled to share that “the first affairs were just about sex” but I didnt know there were any “first affairS” (multiple?? how many?).

CL said once that she has come to believe that serial adulterers are probably the norm…this is how they live.

They offer us a crumb of wreckonsillyation to keep cake coming from us and to avoid consequences.

Often when we see Chumps here who have learned the truth but not yet pulled the trigger, we can be pretty directive (you must !! Go now!!) and yet I sheepishly admit that I never did. I had saved $40,000 and was getting ready to go (I had a particular apartment complex picked out near work in case I lost my car) and I had PROMISED myself that I would leave if he had another rage.

In reality I never left, he dropped dead instead and I now nurture fantasies of how mighty I would have been if I had actually left. I wish I could have seen the look on his face when he finally realized that he overplayed his hand with me. I will never ever get over the fact that I never got the chance to hold him accountable for serial adultery and habitual lying, but if caught he would have just pulled a DARVO anyway.

I am mighty now but not in the same way as others. I overcame huge challenges but they were different. Oddly enough, I often wish I could turn back the clock to where you are and act instead of delay but as a person who didnt pull the trigger, I have no validity to tell you what to do.

What I do know is that life is short…too short to live in betrayal and abuse.

ZULU23
ZULU23
4 years ago

I also struggled with acceptance – I’m glad I’m finally here

unicornomore
unicornomore
4 years ago

I was an insufferable chump…a year out, my Cheater was living 3000 miles away (probs with OW) and claiming we were “still a family” because he didnt LIVE away, he just WORKED away (he had an apartment, owned the furniture, year lease) and I was accepting that shit sandwich every day.
It was 6 more years before I was free of that. You are so far ahead of where I was a year out!!

Crabby Blogging Lady
Crabby Blogging Lady
4 years ago

I sold my house, moved across the country, and got a pretty good job and HAVE A SMALL SAVINGS! We never had any savings together before. That feels really good. Mighty.

Im still waiting for my vivacity and creativity to come back. Ive been rather dull and lifeless for a number of years. I hope the real me comes back. Maybe after I finally divorce and get my name back will that happen.

YourLoss
YourLoss
4 years ago

You will find your “joy” again. I was in the same boat. It does come back. 🙂

chumpiness
chumpiness
4 years ago

Hey Blogging Lady – way to be mighty. Savings were always tough when I was married.

Best way to get your creativity back is to start creating. Not to be a word nerd here, but creativity is a product of creating, which is the active form of doing. Start anywhere – do a phone photo challenge to start seeing your daily life differently. Arrange 5 things on your desk into 5 compositions. Your muse will show up after you start creating!

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
4 years ago

Post chump life really picks up steam after the divorce is final— I assure you! Hang on!

kimsoverit
kimsoverit
4 years ago

I’m really counting on this being true MotherChumper99!!
@CrabbyBloggingLady, “Maybe after I finally divorce and get my name back will that happen.”
Me Too!! Pisses me off every time I have to sign my name and include his last name. Pfffffft.

Ruggermom
Ruggermom
4 years ago

I have finally learned that No is a complete sentence.

Now that Ex and vajajay are past the honeymoon phase, ex realizes that he didn’t make the best decisions regarding the divorce decree. He recently asked me to change some things to my detriment. Ummm, “No.”

When he told me that Vajajay cheated on him recently, my response “Bummer.”

Ex and Vajayjay moved further away from his children and g-kids to be 2 miles away from her g-kids. When my oldest son and family is in town they only want to stay with me. I can be at my other sons house in 15 minutes to help with my 2 week old g-son. When both kids and family are at my house Ex wants to come to MY house to see them. Ummmmm “No.”

Doingme
Doingme
4 years ago
Reply to  Ruggermom

Ruggermom, I love your mighty! NO, as in NO returns. I often believed he had insight; it’s pure entitlement.

Recently, my adult daughter stated that he gave me my pension in the divorce. Almost five and s half years out his ‘poor decisions’ of a life time landed him without earning power, a skank who makes no money and a very small amount of SS!
It’s not hindsight on their part; it’s always entitlement.

This year I too said NO to two invites by adult daughter with the two of them present. Not my circus. The disordered circle back both directly and covertly.

He gave me nothing. We never have to settle. Hooray for mighty!

StrongerNow
StrongerNow
4 years ago
Reply to  Ruggermom

Ruggermom,

You are my HERO!!!

I am adopting your philosophy that “No” is a complete sentence.

Thank you!!!!

YourLoss
YourLoss
4 years ago
Reply to  Ruggermom

Isn’t it mind blowing how they still want to be part of your life? My ex is having surgery and wants to stay at MY house while he’s recovering because he hasn’t got anyone else……Ummmmm “No”
Good for you!!

thelongrun
thelongrun
4 years ago
Reply to  YourLoss

Yourloss,

Yes. My fuckwit XW “hoped we could still be friends.” This was expressed either on D-day or shortly after it.

Now, here’s a recent text exchange between the two of us, back in September. I apologize up front for the length of this, but I need to get this out of my system. Please forgive me.

She wants our son to go to an educational church class this school year. She’s pretending to be the “spiritual” one of the two of us. She’s so good at acting like her shit doesn’t stink, I’m sure all her church friends think I’m the problem, despite her adultery (wonder how she spins that? Fuck it; who cares?).

Our son is tired of the church (let’s just say it’s a very liberal church, but church is still boring to most kids), and his two older sisters stopped going w/me and/or their mother after completing this class in the past (eighth grade). He’s doing the class to make his mother happy, then he wants to be out of church altogether. I’ve told him I will support him in this if his mother argues against it down the road, so he and I have agreed he’ll do this last class for the school year and then that’s it for church, and definitely for church education.

I’ve realized that since I work on Sundays, am unable to attend services, and I don’t find the church to provide any support for me in my new situation (XW has always had the friends there that I, a deep introvert, don’t easily make), that I don’t feel the church is a good place for me anymore. Originally, I mainly agreed to go to this church shortly after our son was born to please the XW and to provide a united front for our children (also, at the time, the ministers leading the church were very good at making me think about spiritual matters. They’re long gone, unfortunately).

So anyway, here’s this text exchange starting w/the XW, regarding the mandatory parent class that started the church class off.

XW: Just a heads up, I plan to attend the *** parent meeting at church this evening. I believe *** starts up in a week or two.

XW: Also I will be emailing you soon about some upcoming travel I have that may impact the schedule.

Me: I’d already warned [our son] yesterday that we’d likely both be there tonight. He’s not happy about going, and he’s also sounding pretty serious that this will be his last year going to church. I’ll support him whatever he decides to do regarding that. And for a clear reminder, unless you have something to say to me that is critical to our children’s welfare, I don’t want to talk to you tonight, at all. As to the other, your upcoming travel? Great! More time w/my son, I’m guessing. Btw, I’ve got him for his birthday, and the weekend it falls on. His grandmother [my mother is his only surviving grandparent] is hoping to come up for at least the weekend, and she’s planning on spending a lot of time w/him during it. We’ll probably take him out for a dinner celebration on the evening of his birthday. If you want to celebrate it that weekend w/him, you can do it for a couple of hours the day before or on his birthday, providing it doesn’t interfere w/our plans for those days.

XW: He doesn’t have to go. It’s mandatory for parents.

XW: I’ll address all your other snarky comments later. I have to go to work.

XW: It would be better if you left him home. It would spare him the anxiety he experiences whenever we’re in the same room, and he won’t have to witness your behavior.

[My only behavior is not wanting to interact w/her unless it’s absolutely necessary for our kids’ sake. I’m always civil, just not cordial. I felt I had to remind her about not wanting to interact because over the past 2+ years since D-day, if I don’t remind her, she generally takes it as an invitation to start talking to me as if she’s still married to me, and didn’t fuck her boss repeatedly then leave me for him, blowing apart two families and two marriages]

Me: Again, to be clear, he [our son] was more upset about having to go to church at all, and didn’t express any anxiety about us being together. He won’t even be in the same room as us for the majority of it, which is how I remember it going when we went for [our daughters]. They’re giving the kids that do come pizza and providing games, so that was an easy fix for his dinner. I’d already replied last week to [church person], saying he [our son] & I would both be there. For future events where you and I are asked to be present, and his presence is optional, I’ll give him a choice if I can. I have a feeling it’s more of a worry of yours than it is of his. As for answering any snark you think you’re finding in my text, that’s up to you. And as to him witnessing my behavior around you, I’m merely setting healthy boundaries where you’re concerned. If you don’t like them, all I can say is, “You made the wine, now you drink a cup.”

XW: You need to demonstrate to your son that you are capable of having a civil and positive relationship with his mother, regardless of how you feel about it inside. He does get anxious when he knows we will be in the same room, as does {our oldest daughter]. You need to model the kind of behavior you’d want him to use. If you want him to think that avoiding face to face interaction whenever possible is the best way forward, keep doing what you’re doing. But if you want him to be a kind and resilient person who understands that in spite of very difficult situations we still need to interact with people, like I want him to be, then perhaps you should consider changing your approach. [Our son] is watching, and he sees and internalizes way more than you think he does.

Me: We’re just going to have to agree to disagree on this.

I’m feeling mighty about how I handled her arguments/comments here. I don’t think I would have handled this as well a year or two ago (definitely not two years ago, if I’m honest). Yourloss, kudos to you on saying no to your FW ex wanting to stay w/you to recover after his surgery. He’s nuts, and you are mighty!

Fearful&loathing
Fearful&loathing
4 years ago
Reply to  thelongrun

Cheaters be crazy!!

YOU are being instructed on how to model good behavior by the adulterous XW?! What a laugh!

How are they able to be all high and mighty? Her line about teaching your son to deal with difficult situations to make him resilient is pure cheater gold. It’s not like someone got ill or you lost you possessions in a fire, or other “acts of god” happened to your family that you need to “model” resilience for. The gall! She blows up the family then expects you to play nice and try’s to shame you when you won’t follow the narrative. Worst of all, cheaters all seem to believe they are n the right and on the high road because..twu wuv.

Letting others walk over you, while you stand there with a cordial smile because we good people don’t rock the boat, does not demonstrate resilience but give people of poor character the pass for bad behavior.

You just keep modeling boundaries for your son, that’s what he really needs to see.

thelongrun
thelongrun
4 years ago

Fearful&loathing,

Thank you very much for your kind words and for giving me your educated (in the school of hard knocks, also known sometimes as Chump Central High) take on the matter. I have a very small support circle, and out of the four of them, my sister tends to be the one that replies to my vents about the FW XW most often.

What always floors me is this is a woman I started out as friends w/in high school, then became more than that late in college (I thought I was doing things REALLY right w/her, in terms of building the relationship). I thought I knew her. I thought she realized how much I cared for and about her (another way of saying I loved her deeply), and that that, along w/all we’d shared raising three kids together and more meant something to her. What a sad joke that is to me now.

However, it’s great to hear that my sister (and sometimes my brother) aren’t the only ones who see the XW’s twisting of reality to suit her purpose. That means a lot, really. And yes, that’s all I’m trying to do right now, is be a good role model for my son and daughters. I don’t want them thinking that their mother’s plan to steamroll over me and our marriage by becoming emotionally and physically involved w/another man through infidelity is a route to ever take if you’re unhappy in a marriage. And God forbid should it happen to them in a marriage or relationship of theirs, that they eventually recognize that this was dad setting healthy boundaries and realize they’re sane and responsible acts in response to adultery/cheating.

I hope things are going well your way. I’m getting to meh very slowly, thanks to exchanges like this, but I hope you’re already there or at least much closer than me. Best wishes to you and your family. You brightened my day, so that’s at least one good deed you’ve done today. I bet you’ve done a lot more. Take care.

Ruggermom
Ruggermom
4 years ago
Reply to  YourLoss

Good for you too your loss. And thank you to the chump on this site who occasionally says “no is a complete sentence.” It finally sank in. No guilt, no explanation. Although I still automatically do the eye roll????

Survivor
Survivor
4 years ago
Reply to  YourLoss

YourLoss, your ex is an entitled pig. No is the correct answer. He lost his right to any compassion from you whatsoever when he destroyed your marriage.

YourLoss
YourLoss
4 years ago
Reply to  Survivor

Thank you Survivor. Yes he is an entitled pig. When I said no he responded by saying that he was surprised by that. He said I changed and that I used to be a nice person. I laughed! I said I’m still a nice person but he lost the privilege to my kindness when he fucked hookers. I asked where was his kindness when I was lying in bed with pneumonia. Oh, it was being extended to the hookers he was texting to meet while I slept.

KarenE
KarenE
4 years ago
Reply to  YourLoss

People like that think ‘nice’ or ‘kind’ means doormat, no boundaries.

Our default is niceness and kindness, but when someone PROVES that they don’t deserve a minute of our time and attention, then … we are done.

Good on you for holding strong!

Warrior Princess
Warrior Princess
4 years ago
Reply to  Survivor

“Entitled Pig”. So true and spot on.

Nicole
Nicole
4 years ago

I’m 7.5 years post divorce. I’ve remarried (a fellow chump who understands the pain of betrayal and we have both put in the work to be healed and whole again). I’ve moved 3 times in 7 years (lost my “dream house” in the divorce) and am finally settled in a precious little townhouse that my hubby and I have made our own with all new furniture and decor. I received several promotions at work over the last 7 years (one just six months after ex left…how about that!!) and I am just sort of “coasting” into retirement at this point. Oldest son graduated college last year and has a great job in his field. Youngest son is in college and having a ball doing all the fun things…fraternity, parties, etc. but is also doing really well with his grades and actually going to class. I’m just so grateful for my life now and I don’t take any of the peace and strength I feel for granted. It was hard-earned and I am actually able to look back and be thankful that the ex burned my old life to the ground…out of the ashes rose a new and better one for sure! I am able to be around the ex (and the OW) on the rare occasion we have a mutual event re: our boys and I literally feel nothing…no anger, no sadness…no more emotion than I would for two strangers that I just met. It’s such an amazingly free feeling!!

So Done
So Done
4 years ago
Reply to  Nicole

Nicole,
Go you! I can’t wait to get where you are. Well done!

HappilySingle
HappilySingle
4 years ago

My D Day happened in 2001, which seems like a lifetime ago. Since then, I’ve changed careers (from bank manager to female priest in the Anglican Church), travelled all over the world (I’m off to Bolivia in ten days’ time), and I’ve published over ten novels. There is still residual pain, and I must admit that my lack of desire for another intimate relationship probably stems from the way I was so badly treated, but I am so much happier now than I’d ever thought I could be.

For anyone still in their early days, please know that there is a better life out there for you.

LearningNotToDance
LearningNotToDance
4 years ago
Reply to  HappilySingle

Mighty indeed!

SweetPotatoFlakes
SweetPotatoFlakes
4 years ago

Ever since I moved out I haven’t responded to any form of communication that isn’t regarding our child. Not a single funny meme or any attempt at lightly veiled invalidation.

Here lately there have been little comments added to messages about our child. They take on the air of “I know you think it’s a burden to help raise our child”. It makes me want to comment back, but I know it’s not worth it. I’m still staying strong with it, and replying like I’m a robot!

LearningNotToDance
LearningNotToDance
4 years ago

Cheaterpants and I had to spend a day with lots of contact last week. We were cleaning out the last few pieces of furniture from our daughter’s apartment in the city and then driving it to our, now my, home over an hour away. Since I took the train in, I ended up riding in the rented van with Cheaterpants for that hour+. I was civil, but spoke as little as possible the whole ride. He was clearly struggling to find conversation starters, since he was used to me being the chatty one. I ignored several stupid veiled comments about life with OW and made it through the whole ride with my dignity intact.
Divorce negotiations start on Oct 30. Wish me luck!

al K
al K
4 years ago

If you can survive a ride like this, you can tackle anything. Good luck!

chumpiness
chumpiness
4 years ago

Yay for all the mighty here today! Chumps are the best!

I did so many things for myself before the divorce, day-to-day stuff hasn’t changed much – I raise two teenagers, manage everything in our lives, fix the house, etc.

But, two years out, I have moved myself cross country, found a rental in a good school district, found the mental health support my kids need (both no longer suicidal and minimal self-harm), spent 10 months and counting getting life coached so I can go forth from a place of strength and not victimhood, and ran a 10 miler in my hometown that includes a big honking hill that I’ve avoided running for my whole life! Next month is the half marathon I’ve been training for. Oh, I’ll be 55 running that distance for the first time!

Employment is still an issue – started a coaching practice, but didn’t have the mightiness to move it forward then. Dug in, did more internal work, and re-launching next month.

madkatie63
madkatie63
4 years ago
Reply to  chumpiness

I love your attitude chumpiness. I experienced the kids with the self-harm and suicidal ideation, too. It is so frightening and sad and guilt-evoking and angering all at the same time. I am so happy that your kids are getting through it. And here’s a nice thing about being 55 and doing your first 1/2 marathon…have you noticed how many people who used to run don’t anymore? Knees. I ran marathons in my 20s and ignored a very common knee defect that could have been corrected. Now I can’t run. So, waiting until you are 55 to do it means you get to do it now because you preserved those precious knees while all of us former marathoners (I’m 56) with the shot knees or plantar fasciitis or hip issues cheer you on from the side lines! Oh and the job. Entering the workforce in your 50s is hard-I know. You.ARE mighty!!!

Bettina Katsaros
Bettina Katsaros
4 years ago

I was just released from cancer treatment December 1st 2018. My first contract as a caterer after returning to work was on December 14th. Since then my revenues have literally doubled to what they were before I went into treatment and I have relocated back to the Central Coast of California where I will remain. I am almost back to the fitness level that I was at prior to treatment and I am feeling very very good

BowTie
BowTie
4 years ago

I make a really nice gravy. Much better than my ex wife ever did. It is a source of pride as are the home-made pies I do. I still have a couple of pieces of the rhubarb / black-currant one from Thanksgiving if anyone is hungry and stops by.

BT

kimsoverit
kimsoverit
4 years ago
Reply to  BowTie

@BT, its a stealth skill to make a great sauce, and your season to shine is coming up!
I’ve been pulled in as the ‘designated gravy maker’ on several occasions…
Sauces are everything.

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  BowTie

Woohoo! Don’t stop there. There are tons of recipes on the Internet. Have fun learning. I’m not an artist but I’ve found cooking to be a creative process and my friends love to eat and drink with me. Plus they come over to chat while I’m cooking.

Kintsugi
Kintsugi
4 years ago
Reply to  BowTie

❤️❤️

Chumparooooo
Chumparooooo
4 years ago

There’s a huge tree in the front yard, which dumps a ton of leaves in the fall. Last year, I remember bawling while doing the yard work as I totally felt overwhelmed with life. This year, I actually caught myself smiling and thanking the tree for all its beauty.

Thinking of the cheater less and less, so that is a great realization!

It really does get better – thank you for this community!

Hopium4years
Hopium4years
4 years ago
Reply to  Chumparooooo

I love trees (tree hugger and proud of it) so your mighty transformation, Chumparooooo, truly made me smile!

“I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree”

Shannon
Shannon
4 years ago

I finished all my gen. ed. classes this summer, applied to the program I’ve been aiming for and now have an interview in November to see if I get accepted. Wish me luck!

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  Shannon

Good luck!

Tessie
Tessie
4 years ago

I am back in my home through the winter. My friend who was babysitting my home got her own place, so for the first time in two years, I am doing winter. I plan on selling in the spring, and so have to downsize a huge amount of stuff. Once this place sells I will be a full timer in my RV.

I kind of think Spirit wants me to stick around for a while to help my son cope with becoming a full time single dad. He is in recovery from alcoholism, and practicing a great program. His daughters are staying with a relative while he sets up a home for them. His ex wife passed away from breast cancer in June, so he is taking on single parenting. He’s going to rock it, I just know it.

There’s nothing here particularly mighty, just doing life as it is today. Feeling so grateful for all the blessings I have received down through the years. There are no narcs in my life today, only good, solid, loving, supportive people who have my back, as I have theirs. There are so many lessons in life that I learned the hard way. The biggest one is that I count too. That while loving others, I have to love myself too, and when I treat myself as if I have value, the users just fade away.

We all matter. We are all unique and precious, with our own special song to sing to the world, and our own special gifts to share. No one else can fill that unique niche we inhabit, or share the exact same gifts we bring to life. Once we discover this, and really grow to believe it, we have fixed our picker, because when we know our worth, we are no longer attractive to the disordered.

After that, a beautiful life awaits.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
4 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

Such wisdom.
You give me hope, love to you, Tessie

Elderly Chump
Elderly Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

Tessie,

Thanks for this.

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
4 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

Tessie, you inspire me. Thank You so Much.
You are a mighty, mighty woman and a living testimony to the power of a loving heart.

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
4 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

Tessie,
The heart & soul of CN
I ❤️You.
The Mightiest of Mighty!
Sweet Tessie!

Kintsugi
Kintsugi
4 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

????????????

Freedom Forger
Freedom Forger
4 years ago

In the middle of the suck, I kept my son safe and comfortable. Went back to school 3 nights a week for over a year. Was previously a stay at home mom, 10 years out of the work force.. Interned at our animal shelter many months, working my way up from folding laundry towels to assisting in surgeries.Got a job in my childhood love field working with animals. Put in enough time to qualify for a loan on a home. No longer in the suck and just now, after putting this in writing, I realized how far I’ve come and how proud of myself I am! Go me and go all chump warriors!

Kintsugi
Kintsugi
4 years ago

Yesterday, I completed the terms of a bogus trespassing charge that I was accused of as well as an assault charge. Levied against me by The Bonus Imposter when I was retrieving my children in March of 2018. I plead guilty to the trespassing charge, despite the fact I had reason to be there ( I was picking up my kids) and she had to interfere and get into my face. I was charged with assault because I pushed her away from me, but by pleading guilty, they deferred the prosecution for 6 more months.

Included with that was a no contact order regarding her, which was no problem because I have contacted exactly 1 time since she started fucking my now ex husband… and that was to apologize for calling her a “Big fat ugly whore” in her house. That was 9 days after she gave birth to the poor progeny who’s expected to be the glue to hold this family forced together by adultery…. together. Exactly one week after this altercation, I was answered with a summons to show up in court (I was never arrested) My ex husband and she then made a move for sole custody of my two girls, and we went to trial last October. I pretty much won in a decision that was handed down 2 months later. I plead the 5th during the hearing, and then after a number of delays by the court, finally appeared to enter a plea 13 months after it happened.

So today, my lawyer will send the judge the paperwork to end the terms and release me from all that was imposed and to drop the assault charges all together and defer the sentencing of the trespass so it comes off my record.

Because I lost my job 2 months ago. I’ve been reluctant to apply for anything that would require a background check because of the pending assault charge. Now that will not be an issue.

So, I will be free to tell that bitch exactly what I think of her and call her names that I know will drive deep into her psyche and undermine her “weight loss journey”
( she’s trying to lose 100 lbs) I will finally be able to call her “fat cunt” and ask Her out loud if she likes licking his asshole while shoving her fingers up it. I will finally be able to get her back for the literal hell she has caused me for the last year and a half while I’ve had to keep my mouth shut and stay away from her. I will finally be able to direct the rage and anger I have at her and make her fear for her life without actually threatening her… in so many words.

Except I’m not going to do any of that.

She is not worth one more minute of my time or energy.

Why would I start talking to her when I have a 3 year history of not saying one damn thing to her except the 1 time where I initiated contact by apologizing and was rewarded thusly? She’s stolen enough from me.

And for me to keep my mouth shut? That’s fucking mighty.

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
4 years ago
Reply to  Kintsugi

Kintsugi!
????????????
I am a big fan of your’s.
MIGHTY, my CN friend, Kintsugi!

Jess
Jess
4 years ago

After D-Day he promised I could keep the house so the kids didn’t have to move. I began the refinancing process, and needed to complete the refinancing before filing for divorce. The DB kept threatening me, saying the judge would make me sell the house, he knew I couldn’t afford the house, I was taking his dream house away, he wouldn’t sign off on the house, and that he was going to move back in, etc.. Finally, I had enough of the threats and called his bluff. I told him to buy me out and I was taking the kids and leaving. He bought me out, but didn’t believe I would leave. Four weeks later, the kids and I bought an amazing house three blocks away, and I filed for divorce immediately after my closing. He is still in shock, and that was four months ago.

kimsoverit
kimsoverit
4 years ago
Reply to  Jess

THAT is Mighty!! Congrats!

Kintsugi
Kintsugi
4 years ago
Reply to  Jess

Awesome!

unicornomore
unicornomore
4 years ago

Just today it seems I locked in my spot for a practicum for my Masters in Bioethics. I completed my bachelors degree at 54 and I will be 56 when I complete the Masters.

In things like Ethics and Pastoral Care, being old is actually preferred.

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
4 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Unicornnomore, I had no idea that there were professions where age was an attribute. I’ve been feeling like it is too late for me to even think about attempting to have a career. That is amazing that you have found a field where age is a valued condition. That makes you MIGHTY!

unicornomore
unicornomore
4 years ago

Heck yea. In my area of pediatric end of life nursing, Im not considered old at all.

Chumpiness
Chumpiness
4 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Yay! Way to “soldier on”! Military spouses are tough as heck!

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Wonderful! It’s NEVER too late to start again. When I was working on my Master’s degree in my late 40s, I complained to my brother that it was going to take 5 years to finish. His reply, “Look at it this way. In 5 years you’re going to be 5 years older. Or you can be 5 years older with a degree. Either way you’re going to be 5 years older.”

Hopium4years
Hopium4years
4 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Wow!! That is mighty AND so admirable!

And I love the recognition that with age can come VALUABLE wisdom.

Formerchumpnowbride
Formerchumpnowbride
4 years ago

8.5 years out. My son is growing strong, and is amazing. I’ve moved on, got married, now own a house, and this year the bankruptcy he drove me to will fall off my credit report! I’m doing great, living my best life, only occasionally have to deal with him (coparenting of a sort). My son will graduate in five years and then I don’t have to talk to him ever again. Loving life now!

Hang in there, new chumps. Meh comes, and when it does, it’s awesome.

Chumped, Dumped, and Pregnant
Chumped, Dumped, and Pregnant
4 years ago

Love reading about all the mightiness!

Ex left for OW when I was pregnant. I went back to school (went to class in the morning, gave birth that night!) and will graduate with my Associates in December. I plan to continue on and get my Bachelor’s while raising my two kids and working at a job I love. I’m coming up on two years since D-Day and I am in a much better place. That is largely due to support groups and Chumplady!!

unicornomore
unicornomore
4 years ago

I would have probably folded in on myself if that had happened to me when I was giving birth, you and others like you are so freaking mighty, you should be super proud.

Knocked up Chump
Knocked up Chump
4 years ago

Moved 3 hours away to a different city at 8 months pregnant, after discovering CN of course! Quit social media right away (that’s where the OW gained access to me) and went into therapy right away.
Had a beautiful baby girl via c-section, recovery was hard and postpartum was a bitch..! But I kept remembering “i can do this”.
Went back into work with a proposal to work from home, because of my performance on the last 2 years it was accepted. Also I am starting my own business on the side.
I never have to go back near him, the city he lives in or his family.
My daughter is super healthy and surrounded with love from my family.
I came to the realization that I don’t need him at all.
I have my family, friends and CL to thank for mighty 🙂
Life is good. ????

lamia
lamia
4 years ago

I’m 16 months post BD. Pick-me dancing until 3 days ago, until 3 days ago X announced he’s seeing someone, while he was supposedly battling his depression to come back home as a new man (barf).
I don’t feel mighty, I feel old, unworthy, crushed, discarded, invisible.
For some reason I fail to see that I’m
-raising two small kids on my own
-have a full time job with a lot of accountability
-being seen as an subject matter expert in my professional life
-freelancing, providing consultancy to other companies and working with the policymakers on regulatory framework
– bought a new car, renovated kitchen, went with kids on holidays abroad, take all the financial decision that was always handled by x
-being liked and supported by a lot of great people

He – 1 year in rented apartment, borrowing money from his mother to pay bills (depression!) A second GF, though

Somewhere deep inside i know that I’m mighty and he sucks. I just don’t feel it 🙁

Badmovie19
Badmovie19
4 years ago
Reply to  lamia

You are mighty! You are carrying the family forward while he acts like a man child. I’m 3 mos. post discard. My wasband claimed depression and never told me when he went on pills nor when he went off them. He also failed to mention that he was seeing a married coworker for the last year of our marriage. Focus on you and being there for your kids.

lamia
lamia
4 years ago
Reply to  Badmovie19

my wasband started to take ADs after breaking up with GF#1
then he was going to work on himself to return to his family (lamia, you are such an idiot)
then he started feeling better and found a new grirlfriend
I just can’t believe I spent another year on this douchebag!