Chump Shaming as Competitive Sport

I once wrote an article over at Huffington Post on getting revenge on cheaters. (Spoiler alert: You don’t disembowel them, you move on to meh.) But apparently it wasn’t the happy rainbow sparkles narrative of Remaining Friends and Wishing Each Other the Best that some readers were hoping for. (Okay, I copped to imagining gutting my cheater with a fish knife.)

Many commentators took me to the woodshed for not being More Evolved about my ex (a sociopath whom I’d had protective orders against).  I got “Schorn” as “scorn” puns (a woman scorned, get it?), and invective that because I write about infidelity and do not write charming fluff about having friendly dinner parties with my ex, this can only mean I Have Not Moved On. No one will ever marry me, I was told. (News to my husband, I’m sure.) I’m fat, angry, bitter, sexless, liberal, puritanical — and my hair is messy. (This was before HuffPo changed their comment policy and took away troll anonymity.)

Okay, my hair is messy.

All this drama for an article essentially saying be indifferent to cheaters! Be meh! Imagine what they’d say if I said, sure, light them all on a funeral pyre and push them off into the drink? It was an article about staying classy. But okay, fine. Whatever. Haters gotta hate.

But what really chaps my ass are the folks who take every discussion about cheating, or single parenting, or divorce as an opportunity to flaunt their moral superiority. How are they better than you? Oh, in every way. They claim to not ever have ANY ugly feelings, ever. And if an ugly feeling were to rear its inconvenient, ugly little head, they would smother that sucker with an embroidered pillow. (I imagine the pillow is embroidered with New Testament Bible verses,  or Norman Vincent Peale quotes.)

I don’t understand all this hostility. I don’t do anger. All anger is toxic. I feel sorry for you. I hope you can move on some day and not be consumed by bitterness. I don’t wish anyone ill! Let go! Haven’t you forgiven yet? You really must forgive. MUST. If you don’t forgive, weasels come in the night and steal your soul, and your bowels will shrivel, and your genitals shrink, and no one will ever love you again and you’ll die alone. Yes, you and your anger. Alone. Forever. For eternity.

Okay, that’s not a real comment — but this one is!

I don’t know we have to consider this advice “revenge” — we move on for our own good, not so the person who cheated on us sees us being awesome and we take pleasure in it bothering him/her. Who cares if it bothers him/her or not? We’re done, kaput, finis; nothing to see here folks, move along.
I also don’t believe in wishing for anyone to “nosedive.” He’s still my kids’ dad, and if he nosedives my kids will suffer. He’s actually become a much better man and father, and that pleases me more than seeing him nosedive (another upside of forgiveness). People do learn from their mistakes, and they often can become better people after an affair or other bad deed. Not everyone, obviously, but many. I’d rather encourage that than take pleasure in the nosedive.

Her embroidered pillow says “I don’t do schadenfreude.” It’s a matching set with the one that says “Because I’m better than you.”

Oh fuck off.

I created Chump Lady as a no bullshit oasis in a sea of this kind of shaming nonsense. The internet is full of it. What, you haven’t “affair proofed” your marriage, you loser? Did you give up on reconciliation? Never got a chance? Are you a quitter? A quitter with a bad attitude? Maybe that’s why they cheated on you. Maybe you should examine the ways you are accountable for that, and let go of the anger. 

No. Here at Chump Lady we say — fuck ’em. Go ahead and have ugly feelings because you were cheated on — I give you permission. Be real — feel it, speak it, shout the truth at it — and move forward when you feel good and ready. And if the schadenfreude feels right? Do it! If it doesn’t? Don’t.

This is not a competition.

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VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago

Schorn to scorn, huh? People really aren’t original at all, are they?

Jace
Jace
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Chump Lady, I knew I could on you to post blog entries like this! 🙂 Thank you. I’m wondering what you think of this. This is a website for a marriage counseling center in Australia that I’ve never been to (I live in the states, like you), but one that I’m pretty sure someone I know of (a chump wife/girlfriend) from an Internet forum has gone to. On their website, they give some advice that both explicitly and implicitly states that the chump is also at fault for being cheated on SMH. Here it is:

https://www.lifevisioncounselling.com.au/coping-after-an-infidelity

An excerpt from that “advice” blog on their counselling website: “You wonder who you are and what you meant to your partner, or if you did anything to cause this, possibly doubting your attractiveness or self-worth.

Remember that you are both responsible for how this infidelity happened, it’s not all your fault, nor is it all your partner’s fault.”

As far as the girl who goes to them for counselling. She is the ultimate chump in my opinion. I honestly haven’t heard many stories that are worse than hers. Her husband (who’s not even legally her husband, just a fiance/live-in boyfriend she refers to as her husband) was serial cheating for the first 3 out of 5 years they were together…including during the time the time they were trying to conceive a child (she had infertility), during her pregnancy, and even…while she was in the hospital maternity ward, recovering from an early emergency C-section. Yes, you read that correctly. While their premie newborn was struggling for life, and she was recovering from major surgery, he went home to “sleep” but in reality didn’t go home, but went to a brothel. His cheatings were all with random hookups and prostitutes (legal and thus easy to find in Australia). He woke her up at 3am in the hospital to suddenly confess all this to her. Still she stayed…despite being so heartbroken and angry, to the point that the maternity nurses had to literally drug her up and sedate her to keep her calm after the confession/bombshell, and deespite being so stressed that her breastmilk dried up (breastfeeding was something she really wanted to do). She wanted them to go to counseling and he refused, claiming they “couldn’t afford” it (yet he could afford prostitutes?) and claiming that he didn’t “need” individual counseling. So she went on her own, and now occasionally spills some of this “rugsweeping” advice to other cheated-on/chump wives on the forum that she frequents. Personally I think she is a fool, and should have fired both her counselor and fake “husband” long ago. What do you (or others) think?

H
H
6 years ago
Reply to  Jace

Hi, lurker and first-time commenter here.

He WOKE UP HIS WIFE who had JUST GONE THROUGH A TRAUMATIC BIRTH to confess his infidelities to her? THAT’S the moment he picked???

WHERE DOES HE LIVE? Tell me so I can go KICK HIM IN THE BALLS.

Oh geez. This one is just too much. I mean seriously, there’s being a narc etc etc and then there’s being a complete waste of oxygen. I wonder which he was? A sadist, or completely unaware that anyone besides himself has feelings?

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago
Reply to  Jace

Jace, I think it’s tragic beyond compare. Tragic. I know of no other word or words. Every word of it. The story shook me up when I read it. It was hard to shake off. It made me all the more determined to grow spiritually as much as I can and to help this woe-be-gone humanity that can be so fucked up.

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I find it especially rich for them to go after that given what you said a while back about this being the first time that you took a spouse’s last name. Surely being a Schorn now is a sign you’ve moved on with your life?

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago
Reply to  VulcanChump

In fact that nugget seems pretty insulting to Sir Chump as well.

Gail
Gail
6 years ago

I love you. Simple as. You are keeping me sane. I will write my story to you one day as I would love to have your advice. But for now reading your replies to everyone else on Facebook is what keeps me going. Thank you for being you.

jcja
jcja
6 years ago
Reply to  Gail

Ditto, Gail. Chump Lady is my bulwark and mainstay right now. I wrote to you Chump Lady, about my hope the arsehole was telling the truth that he didn’t actually cheat, it was ”lad’s banter”. Your succinct reply, ”No. He’s bullshitting you. Stay NC and go on the forum for support” was **exactly** what I needed to douse the old hopium pipe, and the people here are equally wonderful.

My mate gave me your book, and from there I came to your blog. I don’t know what I would do without it, right now. 20 days from d day, I’m still on the emotional rollercoaster, but your book, and this blog, help immeasurably. Thank you so much. x

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
6 years ago
Reply to  jcja

Hang in there, jcja, it does get better. This from Dday +57. Still rough & tumble, but CN is my oasis!

Pret
Pret
6 years ago

I’m certain I’ll get to meh one day but I don’t think I’ll ever forgive. My cheater had an “epiphany” one day and asked for forgiveness…I didn’t believe a word of it. I forgave after I learned of the year and a half affair. While I “begged” for his love for two months after that, he went back and cheated two more times….nah I think I “earned” the right to hate this person for the rest of my life. As chump lady says, once my new life starts to fill in I hope it will eclipse my old life and one day….cheater who?

violet
violet
6 years ago
Reply to  Pret

As Kesha so powerfully sings in her new video, “Some say, in life, you’re gonna get what you give. But some things only God can forgive.” When I heard this song, it was as if some wave washed over me. Why should I have to forgive the unforgivable?

I believe I have worked at getting to meh for some time now. It hasn’t been easy, especially this whole forgiveness thing. Part of getting there is accepting that I can feel any damn way I please about forgiving X.

Wish I had techno skills-I’d post the video here. It’s called “Praying”. After all this time, I understand. (For those of you who do do know Kesha’s backstory, she was has spent years breaking free from her abuser. Her story itself is inspiring).

GooberChump
GooberChump
6 years ago
Reply to  violet

This is a very good post about forgiveness. It discusses the whole societal pressure to forgive – and how that pressure re victimizes victim – it actually helped me to stop pressuring myself to forgive the unforgivable. Hope it helps.

http://psychopathsandlove.com/forgiveness-the-other-f-word/

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  Pret

Pret, what is his definition of epiphany? I know of a cheater who gave an “epiphany speach” in public, but only because his wealthy wife found out about affair with a yound student and was going to tear off his balls. Well, she did and moved on.

My cheater also wrote to me that “I made a mistake” (this translates into my language in exactly two words), expecting this to be enough to “reconcile” . But I had already read CL’s chapter on decoding cheaters.

MissedRedFlags
MissedRedFlags
6 years ago

Oh, ChumpLady, I needed this this morning. I found out on Tuesday that the OW in my case signed up on the same infidelity support group forum ( SurvivingInfidelity) as me—-( wonder where she got my username and the site info? My husband). We both signed up in 2014 and she private messaged me there posing as a concerned “friend” and even sent me unsolicited “inspirational quotes” on the merits of divorce. I kid you not. She followed my posts for 3 years—read my thoughts and feelings and then graciously gave me advice. Excuse me while I swallow the vomit in my mouth….
She follows me here to—-someone in the forums mentioned ChumpLady and recommended your books and I let slip I already follow you using the same username I did on the SI site. Long story short, last Thursday she sent me a text from a strange number addressed to “Chmpy”.
It is hard to take the high road —I’m beginning to think the “high road” is just a wrong turn that keeps me lost in the weeds of infidelity.
MissedRedFlags

Caroline Bowman
Caroline Bowman
6 years ago
Reply to  MissedRedFlags

okay… you need to get some kind of restraining order and definitely tell your lawyer if the divorce isn’t final. It’s weird and very creepy and the beauty is that if nothing else, your ex will realise how freaking weird she is. It’s hard to contest that!

Mayo 2
Mayo 2
6 years ago
Reply to  MissedRedFlags

File a police report for electronic harassment. Block both of them and change usernames. These cheaters have zero boundaries and a total lack of empathy. They are sadistic assholes who love drama and chaos. Once you get off the crazy train your life will improve 100%.

honeyandthehomewrecker
honeyandthehomewrecker
6 years ago
Reply to  MissedRedFlags

That is…repugnant. She’s like an indifferent hunter in the weeds, watching and waiting to strike. The fact that she kept at it for so long is beyond creepy. I’m so sorry you went through that! That’s beyond horrible.

I thought the HomeWrecker in my case was bad. She sent me pics of my children that my spouse had shown her while we were still together, and then remarked “I have plenty of videos from inside your house, too.” The only appropriate response to that is “Is one of them of my kitchen so you can get a feel for where I keep my large pots? Because nothing says ‘you’ll soon be enjoying some of my delicious rabbit stew’ like the words you just wrote here.”

It’s even more enjoyable and creepy when I imagine her whispering it…

But yours was way worse IMO. That could be a new Friday topic! What is the creepiest thing the AP did to you? Find one in the hedges with binoculars? Following your car? Shopping at all the same places? I saw someone on here once comment the OW sent her a brownie plate. WTF is wrong with these people?!

Best to you…

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  MissedRedFlags

That’s not just creepy and disordered and possibly dangerous it downright mean. This is supposed to be your haven and she’s invaded it. I like the idea some of the others have posted about outing her so we can all pile on. I suppose you would have to be 100% sure you had the right person, however, so we don’t pile on an innocent party (although if she posts things about being nice to OWs, that might be a tell).

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
6 years ago

I’d like to suggest a legal solution of a restraining order. You would have some recourse then.

Good luck.

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
6 years ago
Reply to  MissedRedFlags

MRF, how will we know the ‘real’ you from the troll if she uses your screen name? What if the troll comes on here an starts saying some sh!t (like how cheaters deserve our understanding and chumps need to take responsibility for what happens to them)?

I’ve noticed someone else using my screen name before (it’s a great mantra for us all – and not terribly original). Hope it wasn’t another troll – yikes!

DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
6 years ago
Reply to  NoMoreNarcs

MRF

If the psycho evil OW comes here to post as you and suggests “Cheaters & OWs are people too. IF YOU LOVED THEM ENOUGH then…..then….!” THEN we will know it’s her.

I would tell her “Shame on you” but I truly believe my h and his “Christian on fb” OW are are literally shameless.

Yours is as well. And she’s very creepy.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  MissedRedFlags

Your OW is a manipulative bitch. You can always take the standard No-contact route, thereby not reinforcing her and hoping she goes away. Or, I might be tempted to send little the crying happy emojis every time she messages you. Should “loser” appear at the end of your messages, well, sometimes random letters do get into messages as you’re about to hit send.
emoji

lost wishes
lost wishes
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Geez, Tempest wish I had someone like you in my court in 1990. I wish I had you in my court in 2004 , again 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011. . . . . . . . . . Enough is Enough on 6/9/16. Took me until January to file. Divorced in June 2017. You are Awesome Tempest!

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  lost wishes

Lost wishes–you are mighty now! And free to live a cheater-free, kick-ass life!

Martha
Martha
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, PERFECT size!! lol 🙂

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

oops, those posted a little large

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, ❤️❤️❤️ This!

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I think the over-sized emojis are perfectly appropriate in this case. 🙂

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  MissedRedFlags

I’m outraged for you. These types of OW are bat-shit crazy. Just be careful. One of the problems with this kind of out-of-the norm, crazy behavior is that it is highly unpredictable.

Nearly two decades AFTER one of my STBX’s affairs, I discovered we had had a bat-shit crazy OW as well. At the time of the affair, she moved twice when we moved, once within blocks of our home — and once, directly across from our apartment — with a birds eye view of our front door. She got jobs near my husband’s place of employment until she landed a job AT his place of employment. She even cut her hair exactly as I had mine cut after giving birth to our middle child.

Even after the affair and we had moved several states away, she didn’t completely stop the stalking — turns out she had kept tabs on us to some extent via the internet. And, a decade later, she gave one of her kids (with her current husband) my husband’s name.

I have also discovered that she has been in and out of mental facilities since her late teens. And this is just what I’ve discovered well after the fact. At the time — I had no idea.

And the STBX? He thinks this is all quite the compliment …. she’s dancing maniacally, so he loves it. Asshole, asshole, asshole.

My long-winded (sorry!) point is … please be cautious. Read Gavin de Becker’s The Gift of Fear. Seek legal advice. Find groups on the internet that have suggestions how to handle stalkers (particularly from a legal standpoint).

mil23
mil23
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

I am dealing with one of these psychopaths too. I ignore her messages and my STBX has put a stop to them for now. Why are so many of these OW so bat shit crazy? Unbelievable!!!!

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
6 years ago
Reply to  mil23

Because the cheaters are bat shit crazy to and birds of a feather and all that.

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  mil23

Mil

I think it’s the perfect storm of cheaters narrative meets wacko whore. The OW listens to their drivel. She never had sex, was a bitch, I had prostate cancer…she ABUSED me. They look for vulnerable needy ho’s who are DESPERATE and attach to anything. They use sex as a weapon and yet things aren’t adding up. In my case the Limited was a passive agressive coward and lazy. He wanted the pick me dance and I didn’t fight for him.

I filed. He never told her. She was pissed and when I told her about his history and willingly passed the torch she was determined to demean me to make herself feel better. After all she’s a self proclaimed Christian woman who hung rosary beads from his mirror, LOL. And NO one likes her. NO one. Not even her son who punched her in the face. She suffers from severe untreated mental illness, and has a drug addiction, that has been lifelong. As much as I can’t stand her she is a victim and he will destroy her.

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

I agree Jess. I was stalked for two years, maintained no contact, and still this crazed woman has it out for me. Some people are dangerous and use your information to cause harm. The less they know the better.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  MissedRedFlags

(And, at least on CL, you might be able to report her every time you catch her at it. If she’s messing with you, she might be messing with others, too.)

ANC
ANC
6 years ago
Reply to  MissedRedFlags

I stand in solidarity with you, Missed.

The Mary Kay grifter of Corona CA MOW trolled me on social media via asshat’s account. What sick fuck does THAT and contacts their target under false names (like your case)? Oh yeah….. sociopaths.

If she’s reading this response right now, buwahhahahaha. . There is no low so subterranean that they will strive to achieve. In this case let the creeps win. Keep living your awesome life.

MidlifeBlast
MidlifeBlast
6 years ago
Reply to  MissedRedFlags

She sounds like a creepy weirdo. Can’t you just change name again? Make a new start?

MissedRedFlags
MissedRedFlags
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I’m keeping MissedRedFlags. The OW has invaded all the private things in my life—my marriage, my home, my car (she would come over and have sex in my car which was parked in my driveway), and now the support group? No. I’m not backing down any more.
MissedRedFlags

TorontoChump
TorontoChump
6 years ago
Reply to  MissedRedFlags

That is horrible and so incredibly disrespectful on her part. She already has your husband… why the need to invade your support groups, too? Your ex will (quickly) rue the day he hitched his wagon to such a nutcase.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  MissedRedFlags

Agree with Beth MRF. Please change your name. Why have a sick, dishonest person reading you? God forbid! It’s already bad enough with Google. Knowing this evil person is stalking you here at CN gives ME the creeps.

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  MissedRedFlags

I don’t know MRF, I see a real opportunity here to fuck with the crazy stalker OW. Why let her have access to your thoughts and feelings here where it should be safe? You could always post as MRF when you want her to know it is you posting but post under a different name when you want to keep her out of your head. She is a serious whack job.

And hey, crazy stalker OW? If you’re reading this? Go fuck yourself, you slag.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Does she post under her own moniker, or just stalk you? Call her out as the OW if she posts. I’m sure the rest of us will be willing to comment on her comments.

DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

please call out the weirdo OW stalking you on YOUR sites, (which you are on b/c of your cheating spouse and her!)

She is “Fatal Attraction” cray cray – and is fascinated mostly by YOU…ugh. AND OR she is a sadist and takes joy in the pain she causes, which to her seems like she must be very very important!!

Gross psycho. I am a woman of faith, and have to wonder what our Creator makes of these people. OR does with them…

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, great idea! We could have some fun with that!

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
6 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

@FreeNow…you are a Mighty warrioress! What a story! Your choices are YOURS today and cheater free life sounds delicious. Best of everything to you in your new t’s.

MissDeltaGirl
MissDeltaGirl
6 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

@FreeNow (wouldn’t let me reply directly to your comment. Sending love and hugs to you and your bad-ass self. So glad to hear that you are practicing the best self-care possible as you need every ounce of energy to deal with your illness. Know that you are loved.

mil23
mil23
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Good idea! What a psycho!!!! Why are so many of these OW psychopaths? I am dealing with a real psychopath too!!!! She is jealous of me and the fact that my STBX and I co-parent our son. She has sent crazy emails by breaking into his phone while he is sleeping lying that she is pregnant with his child, telling me to change my name and to stay away from him! It was so creepy but honestly made me laugh too! He put a stop to the messages, but I can not for the life of me understand why he is with this psychopath who is way beneath me in every possible way! Just nuts!!!! Only 7 weeks out from DDay and filing for divorce.

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
6 years ago
Reply to  mil23

Way to represent, mil23! Stay strong & mighty! Many narcs are intimidated by mighty women & seek out skank bc they feel superior. I can handle that. It hints that they know on some level what bottom-feeders they really are. Like attracts like. I’m SO looking forward to meh.

FreeNow
FreeNow
6 years ago
Reply to  mil23

Yep; this. A baby between two cheater frauds solves everything in their sick selfish minds.

Both X and AP were married at the affair time, blew up and walked away from their lives. In true chameleon form, started new lives. Neither cared a bit about the damage, hurt and debris field they caused and left. Their desires were all that mattered.

I had been diagnosed with highly aggressive cancer the same week of DD; 18 months ago now. 7 months divorced.

The only illness in 35 year marriage. Cruel discard doesn’t aptly describe X’s and their actions during fighting cancer and highly contentious divorce.

They used money from hidden retirement accounts for infertility treatments, lavish dinners and hotel stays while I was fighting cancer.

My X, at 55, is having tru wuv baby with 36 year old prostitute (they met in the massage parlor she worked and he paid for “happy endings”) girlfriend @ $300./session.

Recently, through adult son, X asked to relay his desire for all of us to move on and become a big happy family. He asked for us to be happy for him because he’s so happy in his new life. Seriously, you can’t make this disordered stuff up.

Me, well I have a calm, cheater free life. I feel the happiest I’ve felt in years. It’s amazing when you aren’t gaslighted, blamed and abused.
Freedom feels wonderful.

While I just started my 7th round of cancer treatment yesterday, I feel good and strong.

Forgiveness….nope. Big happy family…nope.

Consequences for choices…yep. No contact forever…yep.

The further away I get from the dysfunction, the healthier I feel. Meh is around the bend. 36 years, years of reconciliation therapy. They don’t change! I wish I had kicked him to the curb years ago.

Don’t allow anyone to shame you or tell you it’s time to forgive and move on. That’s their stuff not yours.

ANC
ANC
6 years ago
Reply to  mil23

He’s with It because It has holes. It willingly takes it up the ass- metaphorically and most likely literally.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
6 years ago
Reply to  mil23

wow mil23, 7 weeks? I couldn’t even think straight at 7 weeks out. I wish you all the best!

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Hee hee hee… I like this idea, Tempest 🙂

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
6 years ago
Reply to  MissedRedFlags

Yuck. Ick. Does she have no life of her own? I hope you have re-signed up for the boards and forums you enjoy with a new name.

Also, keep those texts and any other evidence of contact. Perhaps a protection order would be useful some day.

Nick
Nick
6 years ago
Reply to  MissedRedFlags

How effing creepy.

You’d think here new life with Mr Can’t Keep it in his Pants would be so fulfilling she wouldn’t have time to be obsessed with you.

Maybe there’s trouble in paradise?

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
6 years ago
Reply to  Nick

OMG!! What a piece of work! He’s probably already cheating on her, Missedredflags. Just desserts. She sounds all fatal attraction/rabbit killer. Please OUT HER!

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
6 years ago

I know some of these “I don’t even need to feel anger” people are sincere, but their rhetoric is so close to that of the Jesus Cheaters, that I always suspect them of being part of the same ilk. If you are going to be so sanctimonious about the damage that has been done to me, then I suspect you are going to be pretty damn good at failing to acknowledge when you hurt other people–just like the EX!

Furthermore, it is also the same people who preach about being above it all who are likely to go ape shit when they are truly hurt themselves. Their failure to imagine and empathize with the pain of others leaves them completely unprepared for experiencing real pain themselves.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

Eilonwy, you have nailed the reasoning and Morales of these hypocrites 100%.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

Coincidently Ex and his latest AP have Bibles and Jesus plastered all over them. Like what DesertGuy wrote the day here, they want the “feel good Grace”, not the pain of transforming Grace.

Roberta
Roberta
6 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

Eilonwy, yes! The OW’s who invoke the Jesus and Bible verse twists into their comments on some of these sites! Not to mention our “real life OW who will spew and twist unsolicited advice to us. I don’t know how many times I’ve been reminded that I am also a sinner even if I did not commit adultery and therefore I have NO right to judge them for their piss poor behavior. The OW in my case actually told me that after each act of fornication with my husband she and Cheater would pray and ask Gods forgiveness!!! Seriously? All I could think was that she spends about 23 hours a day on her knees! These types of cheaters always want to keep you in check and remind you that you are not really any better than they are! Ummmm… sorry, I’m not buying that load of horse crap ever! They hide behind their so-called religious epiphany and cherry pick the parts of Gods forgiveness and commandments to make themselves feel better. Good Luck with that Cheater!

Mcjj
Mcjj
6 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

Ha Roberta! The OW just gave you an out for creating epic revenge scenarios for your x and ow. If/ when they call you on it just smile sweetly and ASSURE them that after each act of revenge you get down on your knees, pray, and ask God’s forgiveness. And ASSURE them he forgives you every. single. time. I’m sure it works both ways.

dealwithit
dealwithit
6 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

Uh, I believe Jesus told the woman at the well to “go and sin NO more”, not go and sin SOME more.

Waffles
Waffles
6 years ago
Reply to  dealwithit

Amen & no shit!

Martha
Martha
6 years ago
Reply to  dealwithit

That’s the problem. I really think a lot of them don’t think they are sinning! My ex is so disordered that while we were still “working on our marriage”, he’d go up to the altar at church (Assembly of God), I went up with him a few times and he’d pray to God whether he should leave me or not (I didn’t know that’s what he was praying about, if he even prayed at all!) I thought he was praying for our marriage. He even got anointed with oil quite a few times. I now realize this was all for show. He’s ALL about how things look. Look at me up here at the altar being all holy! Look at me praying to God for guidance! Sorry, but he was the one who did something wrong (sinned) and he divorced me and I did nothing biblically wrong in ordered to be divorced. And every single freaking week he’d show up for church. Absolutely no shame at all. And he’d be all holy and “nice guy” Christian man at church and then go home and pork the whore I caught him out with (they were dating when we were still married). In my entire life I’ve never known someone so disordered. I still cannot believe I fell for the lies he was pushing!

violet
violet
6 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

Jesus Cheaters. If there is a hell, there is a very special place for those folks. The hypocrisy of violating one of the Ten Commandments and then lecturing everyone about how they are going to heaven (and you’re not) is more than I can handle. I guess they fail to understand that being on your knees for the Lord and being on your knees to give a married man a blow job aren’t quite the same!

ANC
ANC
6 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

Nothing beats scripture and pornhub attachement emails.

I use the MaryKay MOW’s actions a lot. Asshat has had a few LT APs that I now have learned. The MaryKay one though is the most comical. Super Jesus cheater, married and regular bible thumper. She would send asshat scripture emails and then immediately pornhub links for their actual re enactment together or FaceTime mutual masterbation.

Ironically these assholes, who outwardly LOOK so devout, forget the basic tenets of their faith….like the 10 Commandments.

If you talk the Talk, you’d better walk the Walk.

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Yes they are everywhere, between the advise givers and the Switzerland folks it’s quite something. I had another couple that when I told them (asshole told no one not even his on sister) said they loved us both and would be there for us they wouldn’t judge. I sent them an email and almost verbatim quoted everything that Tracy had sit in her book. I never heard a peep from them since. Now when someone starts with “the well these things happen ” line I cut them off and make it clear that no they just don’t happen, people don’t fall on each other’s genitals as Tracy says they plot, scheme, lie and cheat. The shut up right away. I know they think I’m bitter and probably deserved that he dumped me but they shut the fuck up!

Waffles
Waffles
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

You are absolutely right. Shut the fuck up & assume culpability. I get the sense that smug marrieds think ‘this’ll never happen to ME’. Like somehow it’s still your fault. Regardless of what a jitbag you were married to, somehow it’s still *more* your fault. Utterly crazy making.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

Deciding that piss poor behavior has no place in your life and shoving it right out isn’t “judging” (in a religious sense) just because someone uses that words to describe it. You aren’t deciding whether the person does or doesn’t deserve to be alive or have a positive afterlife or receive medical care or anything like that. You are just deciding the person can’t be in a relationship with you. That’s boundary setting, not judgment.

Roberta
Roberta
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Amiisfree, I get this from OW’s on some of these forums without even mentioning religion! The OW’s then jump to the conclusion that I am a religious fanatic of some sort! I merely point out to them that no matter what justifications they use for their affair that it cannot be “white washed” and made legitimate just because they had “good excuses!” I have been referred to in some very nasty ways the least objectionable being that I am naive and narrow minded! A lot of these OWs are in the group that is waiting for the Cheater to leave his, and I quote, “fat, lazy, sexless no good wife”! I remind them that they are playing long odds that it will happen and that usually sets them off on a tirade of insults. This includes that I am just a horrid person who is bitter because my cheater left me and I am therefore put in the category of the above description of the betrayed spouse. The level of denial in some of these women is just astounding! They just will not and cannot accept that they are just a side piece. They raise themselves to “new/replacement/better “wife” if only he will leave that old lazy dependent worthless wife of his! They make my ass tired and my brain hurt! They are so deluded!

Martha
Martha
6 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

I too had no idea there were forums where OW hang out and talk. What a bunch of losers! I hang out on two blogs and that’s here and Divorce Minister. I visit here and there for a purpose and it’s to do good for myself and get to meh.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

Yep, they can talk to the hand. 🙂 I don’t care what assholes think and I don’t have to justify myself. I am.the one with integrity and healthy boundaries. I have nothing to explain.

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
6 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

I didn’t know there were forums
where OW hang out — that sounds horrible! For my own mental health and peace of mind I cannot expose myself to those types. It’s too triggering.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago

I landed on a few early on when searching “regret leaving wife for OW” (desperately hoping STBX would regret it someday. Apparently the poor dear OW’s suffer too and don’t deserve to suffer just because they chose to fuck somebody else’s husband. They also have feelings too doncha know.

One of the biggest takeaways was that “they never leave the wife”. This just made be feel worse. At the time I figured I must be a real loser for actually having him leave me for her.

I don’t know if they have sites for OMs. If so, they are probably just brag fests for how many MWs they were able to nail.

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago

OWs do suffer, my mother was one. But they asked for it, APs asked for all the suffering they got (unless they didn’t know the cheater was married, it happens sometimes). If they have any sense they’ll shut up about it and take their karma, learn a lesson, maybe become better humans.
Those who knew and whinge or brag on their little internet hangouts are narcs looking for kibbles.

Keepin Calm
Keepin Calm
6 years ago

I will *never* visit those forums as I, too, would be terribly triggered.

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago

These are “outside-looking-in” versions of: “It’s not what was done — it’s your reaction to it.” We get enough of that from our fuckwits, we don’t need more of it from strangers, or (god forbid) friends and family.

That’s why the validation and support we get on this blog and in the forums are so important to our healing — in our own time, on our own terms, without anyone telling us we MUST do this, think that, forgive and play nice, so there’s as little uneasiness as possible.

Those of whom Tracy speaks long for a sort of “Pleasantville” world, where life is black and white, by the numbers, and interactions between cheaters and chumps are kept as pleasant as possible, lest the entire social order come crumbling down. Our disruption of that order, through our refusal to conform, is what allows the color and vibrance to come through and create a world of new possibilities grounded in our own personal integrity and sense of decency.

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Funny Uxworld, I thought of Pleasantville too, but then it reminded me more of The Truman Show. All fake.

Chestnut Thoroughbred Mare
Chestnut Thoroughbred Mare
6 years ago

I ducking LOVE schadenfruede. And I fucking love you too, Chump Lady. I’m seven years out and you fucking saved my life. I read ChumpLady every day.

Whynot
Whynot
6 years ago

“Affair-proof” my marriage?
Nah.
As part of my continued mission to denigrate the concept of the “affair”….
Let’s call it “sleeping-around-proof”.
Not that I’m in any hurry to start another relationship but, if I did, I’d “sleeping-around-proof” it by trying to make sure that it was only with someone with no previous history of sleeping around on a committed partner.
A mistake I – and lots of us – seem to have made in our previous relationships………!

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  Whynot

I vote for Cluster B proofing all our relationships instead…

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
6 years ago
Reply to  Whynot

My X was only 22 when we started dating. He hadn’t cheated in his two prior relationships that I knew of…and yet he turned into a nightmare serial cheater in the 25 years we were together.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Whynot

Like your concept. I think we can just ditch the term, though, because I can’t something-proof a relationship on any topic that I can’t control. I can’t sleeping-around-proof or don’t-text-and-drive proof or replace-the-damn-TP proof or even don’t-look-at-me-that-way proof my relationship. All I can do is control me, ask for what I want and state what I don’t want, set healthy boundaries and make consequences for violating them clear and consistent, and make my choices based on the things that grow out of those tools. The other person controls his/her choices.

KathleenK
KathleenK
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Excellent points Ami – this is my goal exactly!!!

AlohaFreedom
AlohaFreedom
6 years ago

Cheaters (and anyone who makes a lot of bad choices) will fact consequences.

When my stbxh had his vehicle repossessed, that was HIS fault. He made the decision to use the vehicle payment money to pay for hotel rooms and to fund his affairs. His bad choices led to the consequence of losing the vehicle.

Do I throw a parade every time stbxh faces a new consequence? No. Everyone who has the misfortune of being close to him in every capacity will learn who he really is.
My job is to take care of myself and our 3 loss who he dropped like hot potatoes… But don’t hate on the chumps for hating them through the tough stuff.
Don’t blame the victim!

AlohaFreedom
AlohaFreedom
6 years ago
Reply to  AlohaFreedom

Wow. I meant… Our 3 kids* and apparently I need coffee this morning. Hope that makes sense.

(I will say that I really enjoy every time he has to admit on record about his affairs etc. He always has that deer in head lights look when a judge or court mediator or whoever asks about his affairs. Did he think no one would ever speak of it?!)

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
6 years ago

Yes chump shaming, the next Olympic sport. People taking the opportunity to let you know you are less than because your cheater dumping on you wasn’t a big enough blow.
My coworker…well SOME people just don’t want to put in the effort needed to make a marriage work.
My response… when you come home from work to find your spouse of 34 years has emptied your bank account to run off with your best friends wife, there’s not much to work with.
My son…you need to be more understanding of this strange path dad is on. That’s why I admire Hillary, she doesn’t cut and run like you did.
My response…cheater boy cut and ran, with another woman.
Son… if you were like Hillary you would see that Bill and dad are just good ole boys and boys will be boys.
Absolutely no where to go with that one.
Disclaimer, the above conversation is not meant to start a political debate.

Spirits0227
Spirits0227
6 years ago
Reply to  newdaydawning

@NewDayDawning An appropriate response to those would be that you’re not Hillary, and boys like Bill and your ex are why they will always remain boys in grown bodies.

Longtimechump
Longtimechump
6 years ago
Reply to  newdaydawning

Newday, from son….that is fucking painful. You would have hoped to receive support from your flesh and blood that you unconditionally love and here you have it. Sounds like an excuse to his own actual or potential cheating. Does your son have a life partner?

My 9yo son – that’s what scares me most. He does not fully get it yet. He lived the first 3 yrs of his life seeing his dad on weekends as STBX worked in a different city. Then the next 6 yrs seeing him twice a year in summers and over christmas as we lived across the ocean and “work” kept him where he was. He dismissed my pleas to spend more time with us citing “work”. Now I know he never cut his “soul” connection to his ex gf and continued seeing her throughout our dating and entire marriage. She is the main OW. Married and with a child herself. And both also have the in-between sex here and there. They deserve to be happy, right? Anyway, I don’t get that emotional understanding from son and I understand he is too young. He gets excited when his dad visits and opts to stay with him over at his grandmom. I understand the dangling carrot of fun and adventure with dad. Life with me is mostly school and activities and homework. The sane parent discipline. Life with STBX is fun. And this scares me that son will continue growing up and not realising the devastation this idiot created. It scares me that son will become a full fledged narc as his idiot sperm donor. I get frustrated he does not see my pain. Then I realise many adults don’t see it. The ones who have not had this experience would never understand how soul gutting this is. Let alone a 9yo.

All I am trying to say is that we can’t control others. Even our children. They will do what they will do in life. But I am determined to continue speaking out. I am not spackling anymore out of fear of not hurting my son. He knows what the cheater did and that drives the cheater mad. CHEATER told me I chose to take the dirty laundry out instead of keeping the facade of a respected wife and following his narrative of “we grew apart”. And we should be friends and travel together twice a year for the sake of a well being of our son. That’s what he feeds son with. And my response is fuck off. I earned the right to be angry. And my son knows that.

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
6 years ago
Reply to  Longtimechump

My two sons who spout this nonsense, one is married, one engaged. I hope their wives take a good look at their response to their dad’s cheating because they will be in my shoes some day.

TorontoChump
TorontoChump
6 years ago
Reply to  newdaydawning

I am really scared that my ex’s terrible choices will make my children more likely to become Chumps, APs or Cheaters in the future. Yet another oh-so-lovely legacy the a–hole has left us with…

Longtimechump
Longtimechump
6 years ago
Reply to  TorontoChump

TorontoChump, I am here too:) maybe we could meet to share the chump experience?

Kellia
Kellia
6 years ago
Reply to  Longtimechump

Can you explain why he proposed to you, if he was still emotionally bonded to his ex gf?? This guy has some serious mental issues going on, to date, propose, get engaged, get married, make vows to a new person, all the while he still had ties to his ex gf. Why didn’t he marry her instead?? It just blows my mind.

Linda2
Linda2
6 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Mine did the same thing. He never gave up Skankawhorus. She got married and then we got married. Every time I think she is gone for good, she reappears. Crazy. Long ago my newlywed ears perked up and my inner alarm went off when he told me that she said she liked f**king him more than she liked it with her husband. What on the world?

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Kellia, mine wasn’t as articulate with the half-soul crap as LTC’s but he wooed me, moved in with me within 4 months of starting dating (and without even discussing it before), declared he wanted to grow old in my arms, and maintained for 9 years that I was the only good female role model in his kids lives. But after DDay he claimed that all along he was in love with his ex, he knew he wasn’t happy with, he didn’t want to move to this farm (moving from where I lived was his idea), etc. He has also cut me off from his kids, particularly his kid with the ex he was cheating with of course, because I am toxic and abusive…
No point in looking for a reason or an explanation, LTC is absolutely right. It’s bullshit, they bullshit themselves, they bullshit everybody; one day the sky is blue, the next the sky is red, and they’re always right and it’s always the chump’s fault.
If we could tour around the inside of their skulls it would be like a hall of mirrors.

Longtimechump
Longtimechump
6 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

Kiwi, good to see you! Any news from our friend Capricorn? I haven’t seen her for a while. Hope all is well with her…

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  Longtimechump

No I haven’t seen any recent posts from Capricorn and been wondering too. Hope she’s well and busy enjoying her new cheater free life.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

I too have been wondering about Capricorn.
I miss her wit, knowledge and encouraging posts.
Capricorn, wherever you are, I send you love and many many hugs.
CN hopes happiness and peace dwell in your and your sons’ heart!
❤️

Longtimechump
Longtimechump
6 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Kellia, I was trying to explain that at some point. The best he could manage (after 5 months of continuous denying post DD1) was that he “absolutely had to go through that experience to understand himself.” He thought that he was done with her but then we had our first fight, and she was visiting London at the same time as he was (how convenient) and they met, and their relationship restarted. He thought he loved her and confessed his love. He then figured out that they were “two parts of a soul that split into two different persons and that bond was even stronger than love” but now that he “understands she is his half-soul and he also realizes that it was not true love. But, LTC, it’s still a strong bond so I can’t just stop communicating with her. I could slow down and not engage frequently but if she is in danger (through her high profile government job in a narco-trafficking country) I would jump on the plane and go save her. What can I do, it’s the soul…it’s oneness, we are parts of each other. But it’s not love, LTC, you can relax now. I am over it. And, by the way, what is true love anyway? I don’t think it exists.”

Kelly, I bought this crap and reconciled last summer. I, as many here, once thought that this experience brought us together and made us stronger and we were going to thrive. We started communicating, sharing emotions, having sex. I thought we were on the right path and I had a unicorn.

Now? I don’t try to explain anymore. Let her rot with all the thousand bodies that she is investigating in her country and let his soul fly and rot with her. That’s what I want.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Longtimechump

Longtimechump,

Reading your posts and all you have been through, I just have to say, YOU are mighty.
Strength of character and integrity reign in your heart and soul!
Your son, at such a young age, is bound to see fun and games when he is with his father.
However, as he gets older and sees what REAL life is about he will come to see you, his Mother, as the present, sane, loving parent. You are that and so much more.
Please remember in CN’s eyes, and in our hearts, YOU are mighty!
Your cheater is d i r t !

Warrior Princess
Warrior Princess
6 years ago
Reply to  Longtimechump

Half-souls are appropriate for half-wits.

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago

I like your moniker

Kimhopes
Kimhopes
6 years ago

I am still trying to get divorced. My cheating STBX husband doesn’t like my settlement response. He texted me that he would like to meet up & discuss it. I texted back that we could discuss it in mediation, as per my lawyers offer to his lawyer. People have asked me why I didn’t meet with him, people who know what he did. He lied, cheated & stole. What part of that makes people think he is trustworthy and worth negotiating with face to face?

While I don’t wish him ill, I wouldn’t be upset hearing shit happened to him either. Doesn’t mean I haven’t moved on, just means I’m human. Anyway, there are no bad emotions, they are all necessary.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago
Reply to  Kimhopes

Some people don’t understand that you do not negotiate with terrorists, Kimhopes. CN does. Stay mighty.

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
6 years ago
Reply to  Kimhopes

I got that request (manipulation play) to meet and “discuss” (be manipulated) a “reasonable” (for him) settlement.

Meet with the enemy? Never!

I took that mofo all the way to trial and his (measly) “reasonable” offer of $300 a month CS, no alimony, 65/35 (him with 65) split excluding the $3M business we built was eclipsed by the Court’s judgment giving me max CS, generous alimony, and 70% of everything.

Do not stop fighting for your future!

Georgie
Georgie
6 years ago
Reply to  Kimhopes

Yes Kimhopes! ‘ while I don’t wish him ill, I wouldn’t be upset hearing shit happened to him either.’ That’s what I said to a friend yesterday. I don’t wish him ill but I’d like him to be miserable and regret his choices.

Sitting Chump
Sitting Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Kimhopes

Good luck Kimhopes, I hope you can settle as quickly as possible. I had my AssHat served yesterday (4 years after bomb drop day #1)….. I don’t know how long this is going to take and I wish I had not waited so long.

Kimhopes
Kimhopes
6 years ago
Reply to  Sitting Chump

Good luck Sitting Chump. I hope your divorce is resolved quickly as well.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Kimhopes

“There are no bad emotions,they are all necessary.”

Love the way you put that Kimhopes!

SoManyTears
SoManyTears
6 years ago

How could I be angry at my (now ex) husband for;
1) Talking to his AP about killing me for life insurance money?
2) Pushing me to spend time with his (then unknown) AP? (I went for daily walks with her for HER health…she was morbidly obese)
3) Giving me an incurable STD that his AP DIED from? (so have 4 other of his former partners)
4) Lying to me for 14 years about who he really was? (Told his AP he was “conning” me all along)
5) Physically assaulting me? (When I tried to discuss the affair)
6) Everything else?
Yes, I’m angry. I have the right. Forgive? Nah. I’m good with that.

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
6 years ago
Reply to  SoManyTears

Oh SMT, he is vile.

Hugs to you. It will get better as you build your new cheater-free life.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  SoManyTears

Wow! Just wow! Schadenfruede? SMT, your cheater should be in jail. If not, what is Justice for?

Skinwalker
Skinwalker
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

I’m wondering that too.

FIVE partners killed by an STD?

He’s a Typhoid Mary and, like her, apparently would not stop infecting people.

I don’t know where you are from SMT, but where I live it is against the law to infect others with STDs over and over again and he would be in jail.

SoManyTears
SoManyTears
6 years ago
Reply to  Skinwalker

Unfortunately, there is no test to prove a man, that is asymptomatic, has HPV. There isn’t much I can do…until he gets symptoms. I know he’s a carrier. He denies everything. I developed the exact same type and place HPV, that the other woman died from, 8 months after I discovered the affair. 5 months later, she was dead.

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  SoManyTears

Dang girl, SMT… you have good reasons to be mad.

Im mad. I decided that hate takes too much energy, so when Im not actively mad, Im settled at chronic low-level distain.

Skinwalker
Skinwalker
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Great ideas Unicorn and Tempest! I will save a screenshot for when I am raising my blood pressure by HATING the cheater and what he’s done!

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

I refer to it as ‘dispositional hatred.’ I’m not inclined to invest any more thoughts or energy into my X than necessary, but should he invade my psychological space, I simply think, “Yup, I hate him,” and move on to my to-do list.

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago

This is so relevant this morning. Yesterday, I got an email from the wife of one of my asshole’s friends. We socialized with this couple over the years but mostly because he (the husband) was asshole’s only friend from work. She has MS and began by telling me how much she has suffered but how she focuses on the good things in her life. Then she gave me a list of things I might be grateful for I.e. All the people that love me, enough money to buy a house, blah blah. in other words ( using UBT here ) I should count my blessing and get over it. I was really fucking pissed. How do these people think they have the right to say anything about your life or give you advise. This women is not a close confidant we socialized that’s it. I’m sorry she has MS but she had 35 years and a loving husband by her side to cope. I’ve had 4 mos to get over 40 years of marriage with a fucking cheating asshole. So, I politely, well as politely as I could told her to “fuck off”. She replied saying she was sorry shed upset me more blah blah blah. I deleted her from my contacts. These assholes are everywhere!

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

Lyndaloo–It’s endemic. I had the girlfriend of a friend, a chump from decades ago and who has never even met me, send a letter urging being-friends-with-my-X-for-the-sake-of-the-children, implying that I was bitter and should give up my CL friends and find people with whom I shared more than “the sad vagaries of life.” Unfuckingbelievable. I let her have it with both barrels (as tactfully as I could, given that I wanted to keep contact with my friend). The chutzpah of these people is astounding.

Survivor
Survivor
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

An unmet friend would be a stranger, yes? Taking advice from a stranger would be unnecessary.
I’d sight the barrel of your anger back toward whoever lined her up in your sight. You might see your ex somewhere in your sights because who at all comes out of the blue to school you about your life?

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Survivor

I had sent my friend (and former colleague) two guest columns I wrote for CL over a year and a half ago. My friend was proud of me for the columns; his GF considered them “bitter.” Why she thought she could school me on healing is largely because…she had never met me ; ).

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

So sorry you got an email like that. The point people like that completely miss is that something having something like MS is non-optional. Nobody CHOSE for her to suffer.

Now, if her husband had injected her with something that caused the MS … then we could have a chat about “look on the bright side.” Methinks she wouldn’t see things quite the same way.

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

You are so right wished I’d thought of that when I replied to her. Although I doubt it would have made a difference, she probably thinks I’m the author of my own misfortune. Not that I really care what she thinks but it’s the gaul that these people having that’s astounding.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

I agree — it would likely not have made a difference. The whole idea that a victim must have (somehow) had a role in causing the other person to act so horribly cuts across the board in our society … even with full-blown crimes. It’s a horrific insensitive, illogical, and destructive societal pattern.

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

The majority of people ‘my friends’ have been supportive. But after being on CN for a little while I have decided that I won’t take any crap from anyone regarding this betrayal. I won’t own one single thing that excuses him for what he did. This is on him. If it means cutting people out if my life well so be it, if they can’t support me 100% then fuck off!

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

Totally agree !!!

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

I absolutely love the “take no shit” perspective! 🙂

(((HUGS)))

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Well I’m a pragmatist about most things in life but this betrayal was so cruel. My daughter and I talked about it yesterday she’s 50 and she said you know “I loved the guy (he was her step-father)” she was 11 when we got married, she said she looked up to him and he taught her some life lessons about honesty and truth telling. ( I know this is ironic to say the least) Now, this floored me and of course she’s dumb founded that he would then turn around and do this to us. I always thought of him as a good step father to my kids and they all loved him. He portrayed himself as tnhe (good guy) always trying to impress everyone. Meanwhile he’s living this double life fantasizing and trolling for whatever is out there to fulfill his empty soul. It’s really quite sick, that they can live these double lives, pretending to be someone they are not. Cheating, lyong and in the end just throwing everything away with hopes of some fantasy romance. What tthey leave in their wake is just collateral damage is how they see it.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Argh — I really need to edit before hitting “post.”

“The point people like that completely miss is that something having something like MS is non-optional.” SHOULD read “The point people like that completely miss is that having something like MS is non-optional.”

SMH

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

No worries, these devises have little imps in them the write all kinds of things! I noticed my post has an error too! Yikes!

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago

CL – first of all, the meme… good Lord that cracked me up. I’m often accused of “looking down” on Mr. Sparkles. Sadly, he doesn’t realize I’m just adjusting my crown 🙂

For those “you need to forgive to move on” peeps… come on over to my house. Have a seat on my sofa. Wait, let me get a pillow for your back. Please, pay no attention to the needlepoint that says “My X likes for big ass trannies to give him BJs and then come home and fuck his wife while whispering “I love you” in her ear.”

I’d still be pick me dancing if it weren’t for Chump Lady and Chump Nation. He never would have filed. He’d still be on my insurance. He’d still be coming over for dinner on visitation nights. He’d still be asking to stay and watch a movie and share a bottle of wine and think “wouldn’t it be romantic if we fell in love again after the divorce” (you can’t make this shit up).

And, I’m on my way to meh. It’s true… it is out there. How do I know? He’s still recruiting flying monkeys. Me? More interested in figuring out how I’m going to climb this new mountain of exercise and weight loss so I can ski with my son this winter.

Fuck the skeptics. Invite them to get an STD check with you the next time they open their mouths.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago

Great. I love your attitude. We have experience and wisdom and pain that people who have not been through this just don’t have.

I would still be doing those exact same things too! But I was tired of sacrificing my self respect. I bought CL’s book and filed. It was the only sane option. Cheaters use their spouses, believe they deserve cake, and expect the world to kiss up to them. Well, kiss my ass!! Cheaters suck!

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago

You are MIGHTY! Rock on!

Golfgrrl
Golfgrrl
6 years ago

I like to say, “Don’t hate the player, hate the game.”

I think I’ll add, “Monday morning quarterbacks not welcome.”

Trust that they suck, and so do their apologists.

Kathleen
Kathleen
6 years ago

People who have been married along time, who’ve never had the unfortunate experience of being humiliated, cheated on, “gutted” do not understand the pain we feel.

My sister & brother who are still happily married shame me for still hurting & say..”move on already “.

Although it’s been 2 years, ( I was married 34 years)
I’m divorced I’m not at meh yet. Don’t know if I will ever be. I keep thinking of how much better his life is now with the whore. Living with her, traveling the world .. while I’m barely getting by.

I know I’m better off without the lying, cheating & cruel
treatment but some days it’s very difficult.

Finally Free Heart
Finally Free Heart
6 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Kathleen: I was 33 years and it took more than 4 after we separated and finally divorced to start to let things go and not obsess over what happened. I’m now 6 years out and most of the time happy. I have my moments when I remember something and feel the old anger rising. But these have become fewer and fewer. Time really does help and don’t let anyone give you a hard time when you aren’t “over it”. My friends who have been chumped themselves totally get it. We are all on our own journey and it is much easier when there are others around us who understand.

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
6 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

2 years and 9 months for me. Divorced 5 months. 25 years with X.

I’m not “over it” and never will be the same. Fuck your brother and SIL. I hope they never have to know what this is like.

Despite not being “over it” whatever that means, I’m doing my best to live a life worth living. Just drank good coffee and picked some blueberries that are hanging off the bush in my yard. I fed my pets and did the dishes. That’s enough “moving on” for me today.
Now on to get some work done on two huge projects….it’s hard not to be resentful when I’m working harder than I did when I was 25!

Kathleen
Kathleen
6 years ago

MotherChumper99

Good for U. ??

Kar marie
Kar marie
6 years ago

This! Amen sister!

Kellia
Kellia
6 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Your brother and sister are so harsh telling you to move on already. You can’t just magically make 34 years disappear. In fact, rather than being so dismissive, they should be loving and supportive towards you. Now that will help you get over the trauma of cheating way faster than having them tell you to get over it already. It’s so dismissive and harsh. I’m so sorry, hugs to you. Take as long as you need to heal.

Kathleen
Kathleen
6 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Kelli’s

Thank you so much.. only another chump here will understand. It comforts me when I get a reply from all of you.

I know I’m not alone.

HUGS to you ❤️

livefortoday2
livefortoday2
6 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

I get it. 32 years. He’s moved in with Schmoopie. She will be traveling and doing what we were supposed to do when he retired. Although her being 12 years younger and all – my X may be working a loooonnggg time. Keep that Spousal Support coming turd sparkles.

Really no one much likes him now from what I can tell but he is pretty darn charming so I am sure the two cheaters can craft a nice fantasy life and fool a bunch of new people.

Ugh, cheaters.

livefortoday2
livefortoday2
6 years ago
Reply to  livefortoday2

My SIL told me my X was a and I quote this “great guy”.

WTF????

He is a lying gas lighting asshat. And evil as fuck.

Kathleen
Kathleen
6 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Kellia.. excuse misprint

Marci
Marci
6 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Kathleen
I was married 29 years to,a cheater who kept a mistress the entire time…and when Imwalked away, my own sister, age about 55 at the time, told me i had “ruined my life with that choice”. Why? Because I had a nice big house, country club memberships, and two sons? I now take anything she says with a big grain of salt. Being my sister gives her a pass, but not if she keeps up the criticism. I’m actually doing fine.

Kathleen
Kathleen
6 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Don’t know where first sentence came from?

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago

Interesting how they can so vehemently dislike, publicly condemn, and even immaturely poke at a complete stranger who holds a different opinion.

And yet, “FORGIVE your cheaters, damnit! If you don’t, you are a horrible person.” Well, fuck you very much. Asshole.

They say WE are judgmental? Do they not see the grand irony (and hypocrisy) in their condemnation? Of course they do, they just disagree.

I will be judgmental of people who knowingly choose crappy behavior that hurts innocent people -And I will be judgmental of the person who knowingly behaved like a complete asshole, nearly destroying me and my kids in the process. He fully understood the pain he was causing and would continue to cause. He Did Not Care. Fuck him.

Nejla
Nejla
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

I got “you are soooo judgmental!!” A lot from the XH throughout our marriage. He would tell me about friends and coworkers (red flag!! He works with mostly men) who cheat and he was nonplussed that I was horrified! Once I read Dr. George Simon’s books (THANK YOU CL for yours and his dose of sanity!!!) I have embraced my “being judgmental”!
I remember back in the early days after DDay when XH would pull that judgemental crap and manipulate me and gaslight me into making it all about my being judgemental…and I would fall for it!!!!!
After my education on judgement, XH called me judgemental and I answered, ” I embrace and own my judgement of you because it will be my shield against you further dragging us down into your black hole any longer!” Embrace the judgement!!!!! There are a lot of people out there who are shamed because we “judge”. It is a way for abusers to keep abusing and I will never be emotionally abused by another person again.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Nejla

Yes! They absolutely hate to be judged — even when judgment is as just as it is necessary.

In a rage one day, my STBX screamed at me that my “standards are too high”; I “care too much about integrity.” He also condemned me for caring so much about honesty.

He doesn’t want to connect the dots that without honesty, you cannot have integrity.

In his mind, he’s entitled to be viewed as having integrity while actively acting without it. Actually earning it? Bah! That’s for hard-ass, judgmental people like me (and you, Nejla!).

You said: “It is a way for abusers to keep abusing and I will never be emotionally abused by another person again.” YES!!! My abusing asshole of a STBX openly admitted he used my “good qualities” (integrity, honesty, trust, etc.) against me. He said it was easy.

pregnant chump
pregnant chump
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

That is when I knew I was done trying to get cheater to see what he was doing to his family. When he said that it was easy to lie to me because I believed everything he said and because I trusted him.

When I spoke to my church leader and getting divorced. He asked me why I had filed for divorce (he was totally on my side, it was me that felt shame and guilt etc so I have asked to speak to him) I said how can I stay married to someone who used your trust to lie to you and betray you. He said you can’t can you. There was many more reasons to not stay married but this one just sticks in my head. It would see like it as another one they pick up from the cheaters handbook. Just shows again how unoriginal they are and they are really not that special.

Beachgirl
Beachgirl
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Mine would always give me a version of this same thing. With mine it was always “most people can’t be perfect like you Beachgirl”! Would drive me crazy that he actually placed his deceptions, lying and cheating under the header of just normal human failings was infuriating. No turd, forgetting to put the toilet seat down, choking up at public speaking or accidentally stepping on the dog is normal human failing, leading a double triple quadruple life while lying to my face for years is way beyond the boundaries of just “not perfect”. Blech.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Beachgirl

See I had the opposite. I was the one who was imperfect (not from treating other people badly but for other things). He was constantly on me about my imperfections and trying to “improve me”. Same with our already awesome kids. Meanwhile he took great pains to be perfect himself in every way as well. This is why I was so shocked that my “must be perfect” husband would cheat on me. If that doesn’t make him imperfect then I don’t know what would.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago

They really are amazingly good at wearing the mask. I thought the same about my STBX … though, I realize now that I spackled away so much that would have shown me how NOT perfect he was ….

You aren’t alone with the constant criticism. While my STBX started throwing around the “you aren’t perfect, ya know” crap — it wasn’t until I had started to unmask him by calling him out on his behavior and lies. The rest of the marriage, he tore me to shreds. I was too boring; I cared too much about the kids; I was too serious; I didn’t make enough money; I was too pale; I didn’t clean well enough; I didn’t cook often enough; I was a nag; I worked too hard; I didn’t work hard enough; my college major was a stupid choice (it didn’t make enough money) …… and on and on.

Of course, in between all of this were his daily professions of love. He would often tell me how I was his best friend — the only person he could rely on, that our sex life was amazing to him, and he that he loved the fact that we would grow old together. He even had a “plan” for our retirement and how we would travel together — holding hands, walking on a beach …

It’s part of the disordered game:

1. Tell you what they know you want (need) to hear to keep the conflict down while maintaining your attention.
2. When their faux world annoys them, they need someone to blame — and the appliance-kibbles is a perfect receptacle for their angst.
3. Find just the right words to cut you to the core … they see you writhe in pain … and, bam! their world is once again the way the like it.
4. Back to telling you what you want to hear. (and around and around we go ..)

The moments of angst, as I discovered, were merely a taste test of what would happen when the the mask falls off completely. I’ll never forget the unbridled hatred I saw in his eyes.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Jess Mom
“the unbridled hatred I saw in his eyes”

THIS

I believe the eyes are the mirror to a person’s soul

One of my most painful remembrances is one day as he passed by me, in the kitchen, that look of hatred in his eyes. That said a million words. Killed my spirit, to this day, and it was years ago.

Hugs to you, Jess Mom. I understand your pain.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Beachgirl

Exactly!!!!

I was really shocked when my STBX started saying stuff like that “like you’re so fucking perfect” … um, no. As a matter of fact, I have been hyper-self-critical ever since I was a kid. It took me decades to stand up to his covert (and even overt) abuse.

Only a self-serving, manipulative, character-less jackass would even THINK to criticize others for protecting themselves and their kids.

Nejla
Nejla
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

I kid you not…your quotes…verbatim…he said the exact same to me. There really is a playbook! Or your stbx and my XH are coworkers and they spent their days talking about different ways to abuse their wives and children;)

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Nejla

I’m so sorry you had to listen to such shit. It’s so mind-bending at the time. I was stunned speechless in the moment he said those things. Not long after (thanks to CL and CN!) I was able to look at it as … “If I have to wonder WHO could possibly say or even think such things, there is absolutely nothing to work with here.”

Being separated and mostly away from the MindFuck Channel, I see how cruel and immoral his words were. His character was there the whole time … damned spackle. 😉

Nejla
Nejla
6 years ago

Yeah…I have mostly gotten incredible support at work and have reconnected with my “tribe”-friends (and family) I have had since before the XH. It turns out that although XH says I am a “rule follower” and “he has never met anyone so naive about life” that a whole bunch of folks share my values!
There is one “much more evolved” woman I work with who is on the edge of being condescending about my situation but she knows I would verbally slay her if she went there. Guess what? She is an OW…surprise surprise. I just practice my BIFF statements on her, the sorry little git.

Let go
Let go
6 years ago
Reply to  Nejla

Tell the cheaters’ spouses. You can be anon

Nejla
Nejla
6 years ago
Reply to  Let go

Actually, the chump is so “evolved” that she has become “friends” with this OW. There are two kids and they are (according to them) one big happy family. I call bullshit and am sure they must just be enjoying the drama…I stay far away.

pregnant chump
pregnant chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Nejla

Actually as crazy as it sounds that can be true. My mum is friends with the OW who has been my step mum for 16 years. My mum decided to stay with my cheater father for us kids until he left her for OW. Mum now is friends because “it’s easier for everyone”. I do find it hard now I’m a chump because I can’t see myself ever getting to the place they are now with my STBX. I do think this situation is very rare. I do think my mum ate lots of shit sandwiches to get to this point, if CL/CN had been around back then I’m sure it would be a different story.

Nejla
Nejla
6 years ago
Reply to  pregnant chump

Only my opinion, but “staying friends for the sake of the kids” is how you “help” the kids to normalize the experience and repeat the pattern when they grow up…

pregnant chump
pregnant chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Nejla

It’s very true and I’m going to be exploring whether that is what I have done when I go to counselling. I thought I had picked someone the opposite of my father. It turns out STBX was just a lot more covert in his behaviour. He didn’t rage and it’s only now I’m seeing the abuse that he hid so well. My father is more of the typical overt type so it’s harder to hide behind that. He is like it with the OW so he hasn’t changed in that way he has just got too old to be able to find new supply. He also doesn’t need to because OW still does everything for him so she is still useful.

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago

I wonder what could be events in the chump shaming Olympics…

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  VulcanChump

Javelin throwing? (aimed at the heart)

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
6 years ago

So, I have grown kids that are NC with the ex so I know this makes what I’m about to say easier to implement but….
I hate him, I don’t care if he and his affair partner know it.
I don’t wish him well, I don’t wish him anything.
He’s said he’s sorry, but in that backhanded ” I’m sorry people got hurt” kinda way. Not in the ” I’m sorry I’m a selfish sociopath that firebombed my family” kinda way.
It’s whatever.
After somebody fucks your over in a that kind of way, I don’t know how allowing them in your life in any capacity is an option. No thanks…
My heart breaks for those that have to co-parent with these assholes, be cordial for the kids….ugh!! A little piece of my soul dies at the thought of chumps having to plaster on a fake smile at some awards ceremony.
My policy now is all business if I have to interact with him in any way, not shitty, just clinical. No chit chat….no getting sucked down the rabbit hole if he asks about the kids…..now it’s just ” I’ll be taking your 401k now….have a nice day.”
You fuck me over in that way? We’re done here.
I never understood the public perception that meh= forgive and forget.
To me meh= fuck you, I hope she gives you herpes.

Intothelight
Intothelight
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

I agree with you 100 percent, Martha.

Martha
Martha
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

“…….now it’s just ” I’ll be taking your 401k now….have a nice day.” lol 🙂 Thanks for the great big laugh and I completely agree with you. I will not be “nice” for the sake of the kids. Never. Being “nice” to him and his whore someday will teach my kids that being royally fucked over by your husband of over 20 years is okay, because “look how nice mom is being to dad. It all worked out fine.” If Satan walked in the door I wouldn’t be nice to him, so I won’t be nice to my ex because to me he’s evil and what he did for over 20 years is evil. And then he blamed all his evil behavior on me. And he’s still evil, because he presents himself to everyone and church that’s he’s this great Christian man with superior morals, etc. And he’s porking his whore girlfriend and their best couple friend that they hang out with are two adulterers who blew up two marriages for their twu luv. And they are living together and in most Christian circles that’s a big no-no. So he’s a total wolf in sheeps clothing. I will never play nice with the spawn of Satan.

brandib
brandib
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Absofuckinglutely!!

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Paintwidow, I love that: “I’ll be taking your 401K now….have a nice day”. I’m NC with my ex except for once a year email confirmation of the amount he paid in spousal support for tax purposes. This year his email said “I hope you are well.” My replay was “I trust you are the same.” I’m sure he took that to mean “I hope you are well also” but what I really meant was “I trust you are the same lying, cheating, stealing piece of shit you were when I was married to you”. I’m really looking forward to next year’s email when I will ask how the live-in stripper’s probation is going. She was recently convicted of a handful of 5th degree felonies for drug offenses which I’m sure he doesn’t know I’m aware of. 😀

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

That’s so awesome!
It’s funny cuz it’s true, oh, trust he’s the same, that’s for damn sure.
It’s the little things…..no matter what I communicate, I end it with have a nice day.
Like…..”my atty will make sure you and that whore are eating cup of noodles 3 meals a day for the next decade.
Have a nice day.”
Beth, I would love to steal that but mine will never wish me well.

mil23
mil23
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

OMG love this “I trust you are the same” ???

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Love it Beth! “Trust you are the same”. That gets in my files.

Kathleen
Kathleen
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Paintwindow

I know exactly how you feel. Hopefully Karma will
even the score on day for them.

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
6 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

It already has…..he’s him.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

“now it’s just ” I’ll be taking your 401k now….have a nice day.”

Hahahahaha — this is awesome! 🙂

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Yes, put the anger to good use, four hundred and one c(o)unt able ways! ? ?

SheChump
SheChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

I LOVE YOUR ANGER! Paint.

Valerie
Valerie
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Paintwidow wins the interwebs for this today!

left him at the airport
left him at the airport
6 years ago

Yes, I find it annoying when people say “anger is toxic”, when they have no idea WTF they’re talking about. Anger was the FUEL that kept propelling me forward. It’s was the “no, fuck him!” fairy tapping me on the shoulder to remind me that I was on the right track anytime I starting doubting myself. In my experience, the anger was healthy and necessary.

The anger has almost all morphed into MEH now. And I love you ChumpLady, for creating this amazing “no-bullshit oasis” we all know and love as your blog and ChumpNation. You are a true treasure ✨

bellochump
bellochump
6 years ago

Anger is natural. It’s part of the process. Anger comes from the gut. It’s like the gut firing a warning shot up to the heart and the brain to get away from cheater. Listen to your gut! What is it with these wingnuts who want you to stuff your anger back down? I shouldn’t listen to my gut? Yeaaaah—that’s healthy.

What’s worse, I’ve had other chumps try and school me on taking the high road. I promptly lead them by the ear to this site instead of knocking their forehead with a ball peen hammer. Yes, maybe holding on to your anger may not be such a great idea in the long run, but let me make my own choices about when to let go, when to be angry, how much anger to have, etc. One chump who was espousing the “taking the high road” BS route was in the beginning of her divorce process. After three years wallowing chin deep through the shit sandwich fields, guess what? She suddenly understood that anger is indeed the fuel to burn down your cheater past and gain a new cheater-free life.

Differently Chumped
Differently Chumped
6 years ago
Reply to  bellochump

I love the image of “chin deep through the shit sandwich fields”. At first I pictured a massive field of wildflowers blowing in the wind. Except there were shit sandwiches on the stems, instead of flowers.
Next I recalled a picture I had seen. A young, ill-equipped draftee was chin deep in water, holding his gun above his head, desparately trying to keep it dry. He looked about 15 years old, like Vietnam was the last place he should be.
I suppose there are a few metaphors there.

Beth
Beth
6 years ago

LHATA,

In your case, it’s not just fuel, it’s JET fuel. 😀

left him at the airport
left him at the airport
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Beth, you’re on fire ??

left him at the airport
left him at the airport
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

True story! Hahaha… ???

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Bwahahahaha! That was perfect, Beth. 🙂

ANC
ANC
6 years ago

Living with an abusive partner is toxic. Anger is the fuel to propel you out of the shitstorm.

left him at the airport
left him at the airport
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Yassss, it’s not a chump’s anger that’s toxic, it’s the abuse they were/are made to suffer! Totally

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago

The “no, fuck him” fairy ought to have sharp eyesight and wings made of iron.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago

Anger as fuel … yes. Beautifully stated!

Even at first, when I couldn’t muster enough value in myself to be angry on my behalf, I looked at the damage his shit behavior was causing (and would continue to cause) my kids. THAT pissed me off. That was the beginning of my fuel.

I am utterly grateful for my anger.

Valerie
Valerie
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Totally. It was my anger that propelled me forward to file, go NC and leave his sorry ass.

free2bme
free2bme
6 years ago

I love you CL, and your messy hair especially! I found you and Chump Nation because I was 3 months out and already moved to another state and the only advice I could find was to reconcile or at least part friends. My ex sent hateful emails, behaved as horribly in divorce as in marriage, sent rants in texts of vile contempt and then suddenly wanted to plan holidays as a family for the kids. He even asked my priest to meet with us both so he could have a 3rd party force me to be NICE…I said HELL NO. I knew he was sick. I knew the advice to be friends was wrong. It was inauthentic. My soul knew it was bullshit.

The day I found your forum I knew I was home. Yes, your advice spot on. The sick (and heartbreaking) stories from other cheaters made me feel like I was with my kin. You (CN and CL) understand the pain, the ugly games they will play in divorce and how to know your worth. Feel what you feel, and don’t let anyone tell you how to react. Our stories are similar, but even we all have varying degrees of Cheater mind games. This site literally saved my sanity and helped me build a life…priceless!!!

left him at the airport
left him at the airport
6 years ago
Reply to  free2bme

Yes, free2bme, I couldn’t agree with you more! I felt exactly the same – like I was with my kin once I found CL and landed in CN. Chump Lady and her site saved my life too! I’ll never know how to pay it forward enough

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago

The “Affair-proof your marriage” crowd…I would like to smack their heads together…like THEY were clever enough to do that but I was so obtuse as to miss some of the steps…how fucking dare they?

I know their assholeness comes from fear…my learning that my Catholic husband was a serial cheater who emotionally abused me to deal with his guilt is their worst fear. Admitting that there was not a single damn thing I could have done to prevent this is too scary for them to face.

I have it easier than most widows who get sad every time they see a picture, I just seethe internally a wee bit and remind myself that I was true, he was the faker.

Every cool, fun, great, enjoyable, fulfilling thing I do now is a “fuck you” to the oppression I lived and rather than gloat over his death, I really wish he was here to see this new me…the version that exists without his constant criticism and blame.

Beachgirl
Beachgirl
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

You rock unicornnomore!!!!!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago

Someone shared this some time ago and I thought of it while reading the comments today (alternate gender as needed):
===============

Dear Woman,
Sometimes you’ll just be too much woman.
Too smart,
Too beautiful,
Too strong.
Too much of something that makes a man feel like less of a man,
Which will make you feel like you have to be less of a woman.
The biggest mistake you can make
Is removing jewels from your crown
To make it easier for a man to carry.
When this happens, I need you to understand
You do not need a smaller crown—
You need a man with bigger hands.

Michael Reid

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Wow! I love this!!
Thank you for sharing it

ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Thanks for this, lovely! I’ve been looking for that quote for ages xxx

mil23
mil23
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Love this!!!! Thank you for sharing!!!!

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago

My all time favorites?

I’ve been called ‘bitter and angry’.
Stalked and called a frigid cunt who would die alone.
Called a hoarder, a lesbian, an addict. a narcissist, and emotional abusive spouse.
Also OLD and that I’d die a lonely old lady.
Told he cheated because I hated him and didn’t forgive him.
I’ve Ben asked why I wouldn’t rather be with someone than living alone.
Asked if I should go on medication.

Infidelity and not tolerating abuse is a great equalizer. It’s a narc zapper and let’s you see with clarity how others really feel.

BRING IT ON. Show your ignorance; it aids in using my new found boundaries.

Meh is indifference. It’s not forgetting, forgiving, or living up to anyone’s expectations. It’s building a wall to protect yourself and lowering it when YOU feel safe enough and equipt to say no, walk away and have the strength to keep your power. It’s knowing who you are; reclaiming your identity, your very soul. It’s doing the work from the inside out to reclaim your life one step at a time.
It’s not letting others define you, knowing your value.

Keepin Calm
Keepin Calm
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

“Meh is indifference. It’s not forgetting, forgiving, or living up to anyone’s expectations. It’s building a wall to protect yourself and lowering it when YOU feel safe enough and equipt to say no, walk away and have the strength to keep your power. It’s knowing who you are; reclaiming your identity, your very soul. It’s doing the work from the inside out to reclaim your life one step at a time.
It’s not letting others define you, knowing your value.”

THANK YOU for this. Absolutely spot on.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

“BRING IT ON. Show your ignorance; it aids in using my new found boundaries.”

*Standing Ovation!*

Beachgirl
Beachgirl
6 years ago

I hate it when people who have never experienced this level of betrayal and abuse tell me how I should feel. They sit safely in their smug world of “MY husband would NEVER cheat on me” delusion. Well it can happen to anyone and be careful of glass houses.

Second do not confuse our rightful anger with bitterness. They aren’t the same. I’m angry about what my cheater did to me but I feel true happiness for friends and family around me that are happy. I can be both.

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  Beachgirl

Beachgirl

I agree. It’s one thing to not have a shared experience, he’ll we wouldn’t wish that on anyone. But it’s another to flaunt moral superiority as CL so brilliantly highlighted.

It speaks to making the chump accountable for their actions. And what I have found as time has passed is the ‘forgetting’ and ‘fogiving’ camp grows.

What I let go of is giving a fuck about what others think or believe. Don’t care. Living better. Ok with single. Ok with driving the bus. Ok with acceleration as the rearview mirror is adjusted.

bouncing back
bouncing back
6 years ago
Reply to  Beachgirl

Great Point. Again cheaters try to get centeality by saying because we are angry with them, we are angry with everyone and everything.

Like their happiness and how good/nice we are to them is the metric for how happy we are in general? Fuck them.

Maria Welters
Maria Welters
6 years ago

I just realized that my one year divorce anniversary was yesterday. I didn’t remember until today, wow. Ex apologized early this year via text (so touching). Any actual contact NO he can’t face the fact that he really fucked up. Where is the girlfriend he left me for? Who cares!! No balls ex is exactly where he wants to be and I am so much the better. Meh really does = Fuck You.

Viva Freedom!!! and Live !!!

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  Maria Welters

No Balls. Now counting Freedom years. And I’ve reframed it to right where he deserves to be.

Last year when it took me months to get the 200 dollars he pays for health insurance for the YEAR the slunt berated me from his phone. Talk about classless.

I text back that it conmforted me knowing where he landed.

bouncing back
bouncing back
6 years ago

Yeah. Like in the business world how companies cosy up to, court and pick me dance with employees who embezzle and steal company time and resources. You know, organizations should try harder to get loyalty and integrity from their employee. Fire them? Jail them? How cruel!

(Large fucking sigh with eye roll).

And HOW is infidelity different? Stealing time, resources and value from a spouse to get an upper hand is equally criminal. Takes the same shit character of lying, manipulating and covert aggression. There shouldn’t be no fault states, it’s illegal to cheat a company yet not a person? Why is stealing belongings from an individual a punishable crime yet not infidelity, which is stealing as well?

Not to digress too much into gender dynamics, however it would be interesting to see when the trend of no-fault state started. I bet you it was around the time when women were getting more empowered. Women want jobs and freedom? Great! Now you’re responsible for the outcome of your relationship, even if your husband cheated. Just saying…

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
6 years ago
Reply to  bouncing back

Yes! I had to write an undergrad paper on societal norms. Ours laws dictate the landscape of acceptable behavior. By withdrawing infidelity from the legal landscape people see it as a hands off moral issue. There is no societal pressure to stay faithful (not that a spouse should have to be pressured into faithfulness, that should come naturally), but the undertone of acceptance certainly doesn’t help.

Tell me that if we decriminalized stealing there would be more theaft…. not! If it’s not wrong, why not right? Sure, there’d be those that still wouldn’t steal, because they wouldn’t want to be stolen from (it’s called empathy), but for the most part, I guarantee no ones belongings would be safe!

Our laws definitely dictate our response to acceptance. Look at smoking for example, smoking didn’t become “socially unacceptable” until smoking bans started. Smokers have to deal with social stigma, and it is through that pressure that many have chosen to quit something that is a powerful addiction. Social pressure of right and wrong doesn’t deter the disordered, but it has a huge impact on the rest of the population.

QueenMother