Dear America, You’re in an abusive relationship
Dear America,
You’re in an abusive relationship. And I should know… I’ve been there. Like you, I was infatuated at first. Swept off my feet at his bravado and direct straight talk. He wasn’t like the other guys — he got me. Like, if I was into art museums? He was into art museums. If I was into obscure, lugubrious singer songwriters? He was into obscure, lugubrious singer songwriters. It was so refreshing. I totally fell for it.
When I met him, I wasn’t in the best place. I had a hard job, I was a single parent, didn’t earn much money. I’d had a series of traumatic life events — a divorce, a friend’s suicide, a custody battle. Frankly, I was weary and unsure of myself and he made me feel like a winner. Where I was feeling aimless and lost, he knew exactly what he wanted — me. He held out a vision — we were going to get married and have kids and move to the country and I could go back to freelance writing. Okay, he wasn’t real clear on the specifics of how we’d manage to pull all this off, but what he lacked in specifics, he made up for in ardor. He was going to make me great again.
Shame on me. I should’ve believed in my own potential and not needed the validation from this guy. But it was so seductive.
I was special. I understood him in ways no one else understood him. And we had a common enemy! His ex-wife who was really awful to him. And then later after we married, we had another common enemy! The woman he was cheating on me with. Okay, he had a lot of enemies. A lot of people misunderstood him and railroaded him.
But I believed in him. I believed in US. He succeeded in convincing me in that way sociopaths do — he knew I hungered to believe. And when he was blustery and rage-filled? Hey, it was directed at other people. People who deserved it. Who had harmed him, had harmed us really. Okay, so sometimes he was a bit alpha. I thought I could work with that. I never thought he would abuse me. Until he did.
Let me tell you how this all unravels… This is what’s going to happen if you stay with him — he’s going to put a belt around your neck and “joke” about killing you. He’s going to isolate you from your friends and family. Worse still, he’s going to project all his crimes onto you and accuse you of what he is — a liar and a cheat.
And when you object? When you say, no, I’m not the terrible person you say I am? He’s going to get to the narrative first. He will undermine your credibility and surround himself with Switzerland friends. People who say things like, “You never really know what goes on in a marriage” and “You need to accept your part in making him hurt you,” and “I don’t want to judge.”
Except they do judge you. They’re just too chicken shit to admit it. And really, who would they rather be aligned with? A sparkly winner like him or a pathetic chump like you?
There will be a terrible reckoning, America. You will lose yourself. All those things that made you beautiful, that you never sufficiently appreciated — equal protections under the law, a free press, diversity — you will suppress just to please him. This relationship will not bring out your best self. You’ll become paranoid, insecure, and off-balance — and if anyone challenges your relationship? You will defend him. Because to not defend him is to admit that you’ve made a horrible mistake — that you’ve invested in a fraud. That you were never special — you were just of use.
One day America, after you’ve stuffed down one indignity after the other, and made excuse after excuse, something inside you will break. He will go too far. He’ll hurt your children. That could scare you straight, and in that moment you won’t care about your sunk costs and all the self-serving lies you told yourself — you’ll run for your life.
Don’t take his calls, America. Don’t let him make promises and cry and plead and tell you he’s changed. Because he’ll just build the wall higher the next time, so you can’t escape. We can’t have you rebelling and making him look bad. You’re an extension of him. You are of USE.
There is only one way out of this, America. Know your worth. Know what your values are and fight like hell to defend them. It just kills me to see you with this guy, who is so beneath you. You deserve better.
Your citizen friend,
Tracy
CN — I’ve gotten through this election without writing about Donald Trump. Which is amazing considering the material — a serial cheater, misogynistic, malignant narcissist. All the things I write about.
Well today I made an exception. And maybe you won’t read my stuff again, or feel safe here, because I have a contrary political opinion to yours. If that’s the case — SKIP IT TODAY. Skip commenting. Skip with the hate.
Do what I’m going to do for the next four years — SUCK IT UP.
Tomorrow we will return to civility and higher values. And you’re still welcome here. We’re all still family. I still have to face my Republican family members — and you’ll have to deal with our inchoate rage.
But today, I’m in pain. I see what’s ahead and I’m scared for my country.
Just read this again over two years later. It was bang on then and scary bang on now. Still more horrors to come unfortunately.
perfect, we all need to say the truth
Brilliant!
Me too. Devastated. Couldn’t sleep….But…trying to look at the bright side….peony….maybe he can turn the economy around. Then we will be rid of this FUCKWIT! (Love this word! Thank you!)
I did not reply on Nov. 9. I was taken back by the depth of despair of most on this site, and wanted to wait.
I am white, female, ex-military, atty. and a chump! I did vote for Trump, but in Boston, it did not matter. This is the way I see it- men and to a certain extent woman, who served in Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan, with military units that might have been 30% African-American, hispanic, American indian, and yes, muslim and jews, all Americans, brothers and sisters, came home, could not find jobs or were under employed, serviced by a broken VA which could not be fixed in 8 years, Obamacare fees that are outrageous, were forgotten. Then, if you support Trump, you are homophobic, racist, undeducated, married your sister or bros., totally denigrated, etc, called so by the MSM , which BTW, is not 30% diverse. Maybe he is a shaman type, but the last 8 years for some of us have been a travesty. BTW, Happy Veterans’ Day to all. The sun will come out tomorrow and it is only for 4 years. I choose optimism!
Not everyone feels unsafe. Especially people who have had their constitutional rights violated for the past 8 years, which is what we/the other side, have been doing the entire time. Sucking it up.
ACdF – Could you please expand on what constitutional rights you feel were violated? I honestly don’t understand what you’re reffering to. Thanks.
Bravo, Tracy, bravo.
I only wish I had headed over here early this AM (when I was hoping these election results were a bad dream!) to read your post.
You always NAIL it!
I love your site. I love what you do. I love that I voted for Trump. This is America. If we all thought about everything the exact same way it would be one hell of a boring existence.
I would much rather have ‘a boring existence’ (which I never have) than know the president of my country is abusing and discriminating against millions.
RSW, +1000 !!
Nice to know you hate me, and feel so much contempt for me, and my daughter, and all the women here. Grab us by the pussy, eh? pigs? Digs? Have to treat us like shit? or are you into the White Supremacist shit? Or hate Muslims? Or Jews? a buffet of hate…
Everyone except white men. them, you don’t have to hate. Ugh.
I’m still processing the election results. I think Houston Dad represents a large population in the nation who do NOT hate women, who are NOT supremists. This population has wanted change for a long long time. This group is frustrated from getting squeezed to pay more taxes, their quality of life has decreased and yet they qualify for none of the benefits given to the top tier or the lowest tiers.
They wanted change. I believe change is always good. Where the RNC sucks is that they didn’t stop the train wreck that is Trump. The guy is a liar, thief and a cheat. Documented. He is not intelligent. Documented. He doesn’t lead. Documented. That nation basically voted in a kardashian. (I’m betting 99% of CN gets that reference.).
I believe the group of people who will suffer the most from Trump are the people who voted him in. They have been duped and may need to up their Hopium.
What about that guy getting beaten in Chicago for supposedly voting Trump? And all this destruction? Many passionate Clinton voters hate this violence. Trump’s daughter, son-in-law, grandchildren and one daughter-in-law are Jewish. The press is largely liberal to the core. This Armageddon hysteria seems unhinged. I think many of us from CN have PTSD and are associating Trump with our abusers. He can’t get to you that way. We aren’t marrying the President. But do whatever you need to do to handle the PTSD.
ANC – Exactly. The middle class working whites are the ones who’ll suffer. And they were the ones who’s backs he rode all the way to the White House. Hope I’m wrong, but I think that’s the way it will go.
Yes, middle-class whites will suffer. As well as non-whites, women, planet Earth, the environment, etc etc.
We’re already seeing the hateful attitudes that people now feel is ok to spew at women and non-whites. Our new leader has done it all before, so it must be okay!
I worry for freedom of the press now, and for any of us who speak up publicly against Trump and his agenda as well.
After hearing Trump voters post-election, not so sure *many* of his voters really grasped the level of hate and destruction a Trump&Cronies leadership could reach over the next years.
I agree about change, completely! I’m so sick of the system feeding off of hard working, TAX-PAYING people here. But, this guy is just way too risky and volatile to be our nation’s President.
Well, onward to working extra hard to keep our rights and protections as intact as possible over the next years…
ANC, yes you did. Uneffing said middle-class whites so I was responding to that.
I said Middle Class. Which includes all colors, genders and religions.
This!!!NFV!!
Me too. So upset.
Thank you so much!
Thank you, Tracy!! You have expressed exactly what I feel! Last night my kids and I sat shocked and saddened as we watched the election results roll in. How could so many people vote for a man who has been so brazen in his hatred, bigotry and contempt for women? To me, this election wasn’t even about politics. It was about standing up to a narcissist who thinks he is entitled to do whatever he wants and abuse whoever he wants.
That being said, though, we are all mighty and we will survive. If my situation with Cockroach taught me anything, it is that there really is a battle between good and evil in this world. The evil within Cockroach and the other cheaters I have read about here is terrifying, but the love, support, humor, intelligence, strength, and humanity of the chumps here is beautiful, and I feel honored and privileged to be on the same team as all of you! Evil may win the small battles, but in the end, my fairytale-loving mind still believes that good will overcome evil. While I only occupy my own little corner of this world, I will live my life with as much integrity as possible, I will spread as much love as I can, support the groups that Trump has attacked, be a good role model to my kids, speak out against injustice, and stand up for what is right. We are not powerless because of this loss. It really is not so different than what we’ve all already been through. We simply need to find our voices and forge on.
So much this!
Haven’t met a single non-American who doesn’t feel sick. And plenty of my American friends feel even worse. The level of dumb – ignotance of world history, and outright hatred in the States astounds me! Vile, hateful things that the President Elect and his disgusting offsider VP are. Perfect analogy, Tracey. CN knows this feeling only too well…
I agree horsesrcumin
We survived Bill Clinton – who is also a “serial cheater, misogynistic, malignant narcissist”. We will survive Trump as well. (And, no, I did not vote for Trump). Honest folks with integrity and strong moral character don’t go into politics.
I’m sorry, but I’m sick of this bullshit equivalence. Bill Clinton was/is imperfect, but he did not tell the rest of the country that it’s ok to deport millions of people, ban them from the country based on their religious views, or incite violence at his political rallies. He didn’t suggest multiple times that people should shoot his political opponents. He didn’t support discrimination based on sexual orientation. The tenor and tone of the Trump era is 1000x sicker and more skewed and uncivil than it was under Clinton, and I think that’s obvious to anyone who really looks at it with open eyes.
Democrat national committee ground soldiers paid people to incite violence at Trump rallies. Matter of fact.
This is a lie.
He bombed a pharmaceutical factory,killing tons who were deprived of medication. Timing of it coincided with Lewinsky deal.
You completely missed my point.
No, we do not agree with your point, which is not at al the same thing. You want us to ignore Trump’s racism, sexism and xenophobia because “Bill Clinton.” That is something we are unwilling to do.
As I said, you missed my point. I get that you are raging, but do not put words in my mouth.
(Also he wasn’t running.) 🙂
Ding ding ding!!!
🙂
Oaktree, yes a million times.
False equivalency. That is what’s different with this election.
Tolerance is overrated.
I love you, Tracy. Sincerely.
Last night I couldn’t sleep. I felt the same body-shaking adrenaline, horror and despair I felt on D-Day and afterwards. Thanks for posting this. I know a lot of people are tribal about politics and a lot of people feel impact of crony capitalism’s sickness, but we’ve elected a monster, and we should all know it because of the lying and gaslighting and abuse of all sorts of people, that he carried out right in front of us.
We know the road to sanity. We have to disconnect from the mindfuckery of mainstream media, go “no contact” with those feeding us lies, and set about rebuilding from within. The country we thought we had, like the relationships and marriages we thought we had, is gone forever. Those who voted for this monster will see that soon enough, unless at their core they need the strongman, the authoritarian. Maybe the country has to hit rock bottom.
Mandate or not,he has the power bestowed on him by the office and Constitution.
48% of the country voted for the new president-elect. Maybe there are reasons the President, House and Senate are changing over. Now many here are acting like a victim of the election. We are fortunate to be able to vote in our country, especially women. We need to get on board and support the new President. If we spend the next 4 or 8 years complaining, we really aren’t doing anyone a service but breeding more contempt. Let’s embrace what was put to a democratic vote in this country and not act sour grapes. And to those that threaten to move out of this great country, try moving to a country where they live in real oppression and violence daily. We are so very fortunate to live in a wonderful, free, country. Notice I didn’t say I voted for or against Trump, it’s irrelevant. Regardless who won yesterday, time to suck it up and look for common ground.
48% of the country did not vote for either candidate. Trump was elected by 26% of eligible voters. Hardly a mandate.
By that logic, no US President has EVER had a mandate. Here in Canada, our governments tend to have a majority of seats in Parliament with 40% of the vote and a 60 to 70% turnout. Often, entire regions are left unrepresented in the government. Your system may need to be changed, as may ours, but I think an election victory needs to be treated as a mandate.
An election victory, by itself, does not constitute a mandate (especially when a candidate wins by electoral votes but loses the popular vote).
If one looks just as discrepancies in popular & electoral votes among those who *did* vote, plenty of U.S. presidents have had mandates (including Obama in 2008):
http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/data/mandates.php
Well, I was responding to the thought that only 26% of eligible voters voting for Trump means he doesn’t have a mandate. The logic of that is that if most people who could vote for you don’t, you have no mandate. So I stand by my statement: By that standard, no US President has EVER had a mandate.
If you win an election but don’t have a majority, or even a plurality, do you have a mandate? I think you do, since nothing in law restricts your acting like any other President: the Constitution doesn’t provide for a President (Second Class). If you win the office, you’re entitled — obligated, even — to carry out its duties to the best of your abilities in accordance with your own best judgment.
True; our voting rates suck by any standard. But a mandate means a sizable percentage of the people have charged you to carry out the policies outlined in your platform; one can hardly claim that if a candidate doesn’t even win the popular vote.
Excellent point, done as dinner.
That is where our work lies.
As I understand it, our 18 – 26 demographic is larger than the Baby Boomers.
I saw this image today of an electoral map showing how this group voted in this election: 95+% BLUE
https://www.buzzfeed.com/beckybarnicoat/women-who-arent-going-to-let-trump-spoil-everything?utm_term=.tdR3X7kpZ&sub=4394265_9960203
Why would I support someone who abuses and discriminates against the innocent and enthusiastically condones abuse and discrimination against the innocent?
Democracy (or more correctly, a republic) doesn’t mean we have to fall lockstep behind a presidential (or any candidate). The first amendment gives us the right to protest, and the right to free assembly–in other words, to work within the system for change. None of us needs to throw up our hands at a Trump presidency, any more than conservatives did after an Obama presidency.
Dissent is one of our rights, and one of the ‘checks’ within our political system.
Yup, yup!
I’d rather support the man that hit me. Fuck Trump.
Completely this.
I am unable to find common ground with an abusive, sociopath, bully. I thought I escaped abuse when I divorced Durtbag, now we will have someone just like him as our president. Thank you, bigots of America.
Yup, this. I have spent four years escaping an abusive relationship and am still recovering from being chased through a parking lot and threatened by the wifestress, just last week. I have not liked Trump’s foulness since I was 15 and I’m 40, now. This is not the life I want to live and it won’t be.
Except people conflate Hillary with Bill, so some how Hillary is tarred with the unfaithful brush. In their demented logic we now have first hooker Natasha (as in Boris and Natasha) as the FlOTUS and a serial molestor, mobster, madman who wants to build a wall and deport 11 million . I am not saying Kumbaya, I see the people who voted for Trump as the same every day people who were capable of killing 500,000 of their neighbors in 90 days in Rwanda. I see them as the people who marched villages to the mass graves in Bosnia, burned villages, sheltering in their churches alive in Guatemala. I see them as ISIS’s wimpy yet murderous cousins. I am not going to Kumbaya. It doesn’t take much to set of a fire of ethnic and political clensing. Don’t think that the USA is not capable of it. We are.
Yes. The truth stated articulately and clearly. Cogent and succinct.
For all of Trump’s Doomsday declarations, what you’ve described is very real potential outcome.
We should be learning from history, not repeating it. Fool me twice, and all that.
Totally this
ExChumpNoMore – as of about an hour ago, Hillary Clinton also got 48% of the vote. she actually beat him in the popular vote by almost 200,000 votes. He got more electoral votes (which is ironic because many of his supporters were calling for the abolishment of the Electoral College before yesterday!). And I will not mindlessly back a madman because other people elected him. Kind of like how all republicans embraced and worked with President Obama. Tea Party, anyone!?!
I will never, ever “get on board and support the new president.” do not support racism, sexism or religious tolerance, nor will I “suck it up.” What I will do is everything in my power to make sure his form of intolerance is rejected at every opportunity! I am not a victim and certainly do not need a lecture that I should look for common ground with a man who represents the worst of our bigotry.
Agreed. He is NOT my president in any way. News today says Hillary got 2 million more votes than he did (and still counting). The people have chosen, but the system is rigged because the right-swinging, antiquated electoral college ignores the votes of millions of individuals. We need to contact our Reps and tell them to abolish the electoral college and make it a true free and fair democratic election. When millions of people’s votes are ignored there is something seriously wrong with the system.
For now… those of you who agree, please sign the petition to get the electoral college to do what it was intended to do; stop a madman who is completely unfit to serve from becoming president of our great country: https://www.change.org/p/electoral-college-electors-electoral-college-make-hillary-clinton-president-on-december-19.
Never stop fighting for what’s right. The recent horrific acts of racism around our country are in his name and he doesn’t even denounce it. Small-minded, ignorant, violent racists feel empowered to behave this way now. They’re crawling out of the woodwork. The KKK is having a parade to celebrate his win?!? We are taking leaps backward into our ugly, shameful past, and it’s only been a few days! Is this the future we want? Something is terribly wrong. I will never “just accept” a racist, misogynistic, bigot as my president. We are far too good for the likes of a bully. I am fine with a Republican president- JUST NOT HIM. He is unfit, unqualified, and extremely dangerous.
It’s the height of hypocrisy for Trump supporters to say their opponents should fully embrace Trump’s agenda, when these self same persons beginning with Mitch McConnell and Lindsay Graham were actually having a meeting the day of Obama’s inauguration, plotting how they planned to oppose him Every.Step.Of.The.Way.
The same hypocrites who were prepared to riot in the streets demanding Hillary Clinton’s head and claiming our system is “rigged,” now laud our wonderfully fair system as it elected their candidate. Just like the FBI was “rigged” when it found no criminal charges were in order due to “email gate” then when Comey stuck his head in, regarding A Wiener’s laptop, suddenly the FBI is a wonderful competent instutition!
All of this has been so triggering for me. After going to bed already in disbelief I woke up with a jolt at 2:47 a.m. and grabbed my phone to see Trump’s victory speech beginning. My gut was screaming this must be a NIGHTMARE, it’s not real!? right?? EXACTLY LIKE DDAY NIGHT three years ago. I woke up crying. I have been depressed all day.
So we have elected a pervert who has an active lawsuit pending against him for molesting an underage girl; who was recorded describing his molestation of married women, has cheated on his first two wives; rolled his eyes and devalued the women who came forward to claim similar abuse by proclaiming they were TOO UGLY TO BE BELIEVED. Where does this leave me as a 61 year old average looking woman in America? Obviously I have no value.
CL’s post is spot on. This man is so high on the Cluster B spectrum that Dr. George Simon wrote about studying him as a textbook case with his students.
He projected all his own faults — “corruption” “nasty” “lying” onto Hillary Clinton and America lapped it up.
The only thing keeping me sane right now is faith in my three young adult children. One of whom has spent the last two years registering immigrants to vote; one who believed with his whole heart in Bernie Sanders; and one who is a young gay woman who teaches immigrant children how to read and write and speak English. That this election galvanized them into deeper engagement in their communities and in the political process. Their generation is our future and I’ve got news for the “wish it was still 1950” crowd. It’s coming whether you like it or not. These young people don’t care which of their friends is gay, or asian, or trans, or whatever.
Thank you .
Beautifully stated, per usual, TheMuse.
thanks. I was depressed all day. tonight I’m angry. If I see one more Facebook post saying, “all that matters is that we be kind to each other” and “don’t hate!” after months and months of seething hate towards Clinton whom I didn’t support in the first place- it drove me to support and vote for her.
Nor will I ever tolerate sexual harassment and the entitlement that women are objects to be taken at will. I didn’t tolerate it when Bill Clinton did it, won’t tolerate it as acceptable now.
Same here,and I cannot support male objectification and disposability.
Preach it, Sistah Tempest!!!
This x100000
^^^^^This x 10000
Never. I will never support someone who says I am a pig or a dog, or to treat me like shit, or grab me by the pussy.
Been there, done that.
eta: I like pigs & dogs.
Dear Exchumpnomore just my 2cents worth… An Aussie here so been following you guys as was all the rest of the world. My commiserations to all of you who feel devastated by recent events, but with all due respect thank you for your contribution , a voice of reason. America, please calm down and give these new people a chance. Ps for those who cannot accept the outcome…. Please please consider emigrating to this great country of ours. We LOVE our US buddies.
I agree wholeheartedly. It’s embarrassing for our country to stoop to so low to cling to the past. Like in relationships, it’s the people who cannot let go of the past who hurt themselves the most. I know a woman who has prevailed thru numerous trials, a horrible marriage and divorce, death of her beloved second husband and nursed him, both of her parents and her brothers to their deaths. When I ask her how she is happy and “whole” she always says you have to allow life to evolve as hard is that might be. What we saw last night was nostalgia. Nostalgia for a time when the rest of the world and the neediest people in our country did not matter. Trying to live life looking in the rear view mirror is a sad method and it’s exactly what we restarted last night. I have to hope that we are a respectful people and deep down interested in more than our median income which is already higher than most everyone in the world. We will just have to hold our heads high and keep working on the good inner core I know is there somewhere.
Thank you so much for your post.I have been crying all night, in between reassuring that my daughter that we are better than this and that things are going to be okay, and taking care of my mom who has dementia. Having worked the civil rights field my entire life, I am afraid that all of my efforts have been in vain. I have tried to avoid expressing my fears in this and other forums, but no more. I intend to do everything, consistent with my ethical and moral values, in my power to see that the bigotry and hatred, that is so clearly part of this country’s fiber, is challenged and defeated.
I don’t talk about this often, but my father, who died just one year ago, witnessed both the brutality of the Nazi death camps immediately after their liberation, and the horror of Hiroshima after the bomb was dropped there. In fact, he lived in Japan for two years after the war. He taught me that the measure of a society is how we treat those less fortunate than ourselves. He fought for civil rights in the deep South when I was a child and vocally supported same sex marriage. He often told me how much my work worried him, AND how proud he was that I continued the fight that I saw him begin as a child. HO i wish he were alive today to comfort me, but I am not sure he would even be able to tell me this is going to turn out well.
I am sad and more scared for this country than I have been in a very long time. We have allowed a man full of hate and bigotry to hold the highest position in this country. I am worried for my children and their future. As my college-aged daughter called me in tears, afraid that her Jewish heritage is now a danger to her safety, I have tried to stay strong. When she was in high school, kids would throw pennies at her and tell her she was going to hell because she was a Jew. And now she is supposed to be okay that the majority of American voters support a man who boasts about deporting people because of their religious views?
I have the means to leave the US, or even move to a state like Oregon but, damn it, why should I have to? I am more than willing to “accept” the results of this election. What I am not willing to do is remain in a place where a monster like Trump is viewed as an acceptable choice for president. This is indeed one of the saddest days in the history of this country. I do not think my tears will end soon. Peace to all of you.
Thanks, Violet. Beautifully and bravely said. So many people of goodwill stand in solidarity with you.
I am immensely grateful that my daughter lives in Germany, which is, ironically (now) a civilized country that takes care of the mentally ill, the poor, the refugees; has outlawed hate speech, ensures that all citizens have access to public goods like healthcare, housing, transportation, and education… I miss her like crazy, and I would join her if I could.
What a world. I Hope You’re Happy Now, Elvis Costello: ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdSADksmte4 )
We were all thinking it.
You write because you’re in pain, I get it. But it’s unfair to ask others to skip comment. I think it’s unfortunate when politics spill over into otherwise unified forums. But unlike some celeb at an awards show who grabs the mic for a political hit & run (away) from replies, you plopped this in front of of friends who have ‘coffee talk’ with you every day. Expect responses.
Mine? I’m going to steal from my artist sister who drew an awesome cartoon (which I won’t share due to copyright), the caption read : Roses are red, violets are blue. My candidate sucks, and yours does too.
Bingo. Clinton ran largely on why we should vote against Trump, not *for* her (and her supporters parroted that). A corrupt self-serving liar who wags the finger at one disgusting philanderer while using/ riding her own flying pig as far as he could take her. In fact, I believe it was that ramped up hypocrisy late in the game that pissed & motivated enough undecideds to close the gap & push Trump to victory. I almost did.
But, for the first time in 30 yrs, I refrained from voting in a presidential election. I simply couldn”t stomach either candidate. There were far better choices on both sides but Americans chose name recognition & extremes.
The chips fell & landed here.
Let’s move on.
The more I think about this, the less I think it was necessary for this post to devolve into political arguments.
Factoid: This is Tracy’s blog; not our blog. If she wants to write about something that dismays her, especially when there is a link to the blog topic, and commiserate with people who agree with her, that is Tracy’s right.
You’re incensed she asked people to skip today’s post if they’re offended, and not to comment? Boo hoo. Let’s say that I saw several conservative neighbors commiserating on one of their lawns when Obama was elected. Would I have some amorphous “right” to yell from the public sidewalk, “Suck it up! Will of the people and all. Your candidates sucked in ways X, Y, and Z.”
Maybe, but why would I want to do that? I could just continue walking my dog down the street, let the neighbors discuss their sadness at the outcome of the election, and then resume normal conversations with them the following day. Would it really make me feel better to gloat at my victory over their loss, or have in-depth policy discussions to show them the error of their ways? No, it would not have made me feel better (but I guess it must have made some here feel mighty to do so).
And as for posting a blog which Tracy knows not everyone at CN will agree with. I would say 90% of the specific comments made here on a day to day basis are not ones every single person agrees with–whether to tell children the truth about infidelity, whether to play a long game for the best settlement or terminate relations with a cheater immediately; etc. etc. We don’t have to agree with others (or even with Tracy) 100%.
Here, here, Tempest!
I know a few people who did not vote. Not voting, in my opinion, is a passive way to vote for who you don’t want to see in office.
Don’t spackle run and hide. You must make a decision, even if it means writing in a candidate. Voting is a privilege.
The results reflect a loud group of people who want to be heard. Unfortunately they attached themselves to the sparkle of a sociopath.
To follow your logic, a write-in would also be a passive vote.
No, I’m more concerned with standing on principle. Neither candidate was worthy, so neither got my vote.
That’s just how I roll since dumping my cheater.
I also know people who campaigned for candidates in other parties. At least these people supported someone. Was it an act of aggression to get one of the two main candidates in office or a personal conviction based on hope that the under dog could actually win. I have no idea. At least they didn’t run around and do nothing.
I think maybe you didn’t read what I actually wrote.
I did vote.
I’m glad you did. And I really do not care about which party you voted for. Every voter has their reasons to make their own decisions. I’m more confused with the people who threw their hands up in the air and did nothing.
Thank you, ChumptyDumpty, for having the guts to say, politely, what needed to be said about today’s post. There were a lot of people crying 8 years ago too, so we can empathize with your feelings of despair and anxiety, and would hope to get the same in return. (Full disclosure: I didn’t vote for either of the main candidates this time. To me it was a choice between horrible and terrible.)
The people crying 8 years ago were not in fear for their lives, their safety, their marriages or their civil rights. We just elected a man who sexually assaults women and excuses it as “boys will be boys.” The KKK literally threw a parade to celebrate his election. Black churches are being burned, swastikas have been painted in public places, women in hijabs are being assaulted, and someone felt free enough to say to my cousin, “It’s our time now, you ni***r.” Certainly not all Trump voters are racist, misogynistic, islamophobic bigots, but enough of them are that it terrifies people who are are black, Latino, Muslim, Jewish, gay, lesbian, transgender, or in any other way on the Trump list of targets. Obama didn’t run a campaign that directed people to hate “certain groups” in “certain areas.” So no, this is not the same at all.
Unfortunately, we can’t just ‘move on’ because our lives and the lives of billions of people and animals and the environment will change as the result of this election. Saying ‘Just move on,’ the day of this event is a bit like telling am abuse victim who has just been hit with his/her first D-Day to ‘just move on’–it minimizes the enormity of the event and the feelings and needs of the chump.
Exactly. Cry for the polar bears, the penguins, the people living on islands. Those who will lose medical insurance. Those whose lives will crater when they crash the economy again running the Wall Street casino. Cry for the legal immigrants who fear deportation.
No, it does not minimize it in any way. If we”learned anything here on CN, it’s we have to play the hand we’ve been dealt & move forward. It doesn’t downplay the disappointment & despair, it understands it but says “be mighty” thru it.
Although I refrained from social media/ political discussions throughout this process, I saw enough blame-gaming & name-calling on both sides that amounted to little more than schoolyard bullying. If you support Trump you’re a racist (Hitler!!), mysogynist, etc.
Same thing/different names for Hillary supporters. Essentially, each side telling they couldnt possibly know what they’re doing, ie, STUPID.
Relating the election to an abusive relationship, we need to be careful not to head down that path of blaming the “chumps” (not saying that’s the case here). Understand there would be/is equal disappointment & despair if Hillary had won.
I don’t think those that support Trump are those things, I SEE the Trump is the bigot, misogynist, narcissistic man. I see him prey on people I grew up with, people in white, isolated communities who believe him when he points the finger at the “other” and blames them for America’s problems. I see his third trophy wife. I see his bold-faced lies about Hillary “laughing” while discussing a rape victim (are you fucking kidding me? That tape shows nothing but her support for that woman and her anger at the justice system).
I have always respected the other political side and have voted for both democrat and republican presidents. This man is not respectable. He is not a good person.
Correction: “I can see that Trump is…”
I’m so sick with disappointment I can’t get out of bed, I’m scared for our future, how could anyone buy into his bullshit ?
That’s was wondering, too, hell no. That many people bought the bullshit and drank the Kool-Aid??!!! Unbelievable…
Come to Canada…we welcome our American friends to join us
I love Canada, but it’s too cold. 🙂
But, also: I live in a blue state that just passed a couple of propositions that give me hope for the future. And I’ll be damned if I let the ignorant or misinformed run the show. The world is changing, people are scared, and they made a bad choice. A really bad choice.
Half of us (or more) didn’t want this outcome. But here we are. We need to take a breath, disengage from the madness, reassess our options and keep pushing forward.
I looked at some of your real estate websites last night and it’s kind of expensive to live there.
Trust me, if I weren’t cold most of the time living in Florida and I didn’t have to sell off everything u own to afford it, I’d be there in a second.
Apparently your american friends crashed the server last night…
I was one of them. Today I spend trying to get my ducks in a row to get out of the US. And I feel very much like I did in the days after D-day: exhausted, strung-out, disbelieving, and yet still must soldier on. I’m looking at Canada, UK & New Zealand. And I really am leaving. Sometimes I feel like I always knew he was going to win, maybe mostly because of the stuff with XH since Dday, seeing the seemy underbelly of people’s true nature. Others underestimate DT (still) and what he can and will do. It will come as a shock to some but not me.
I feel a coward for leaving but I must save myself first. I will do what I can to fight, but from afar.
As someone who grew up in a totalitarian country, I don’t think it is possible in the US. Everything must go through Congress.
I don’t think Trump will cause fascism either, even though I did not vote for him. Hillary gave people enough reasons not to vote for Trump, but not enough reasons to vote for her, which is why she lost. Being a Democrat, I think the Party screwed up the nomination, and Bernie Sanders would have been a better choice.
Alas, our Congress is also right-dominant, and the Supreme Court is about to become so.
As for the UK, it’s on my list. For some time now, there’s a message in my inbox every morning with Job Listings in Scotland. I just want a little dignity and humility back in my life.
If you need a place…..just saying.
UK a bit Brexit-y but good.
A beautiful Aussie summer is here. Best beaches in the world and a diverse and huge country to lose yourself in. Your all welcome here. And here’s to hoping some sensible republicans will keep Ole Trump in line. There’s some Chumpiness for you.
Just don’t come by boat.
Dragonlady – How kind of you to invite us all to your beautiful country!! I’ll bring my sunblock, a beach towel and some great books! Cheers to The Land Down Under!
Thank you. This is my special place but I very much want to share this post with everyone I know. I woke up this morning feeling very much the way I felt on D Day.
Well I’m hoping things only come in threes. I’m a Brit. So these last few months I’ve had Brexit, filed for Divorce and now Trump.
Slightly nervous about next year…….
For now I’m on a complete news fast, am practicing my ostrich impressions and deliberately camping out near that long river in Egypt…Da Nile….
Sorry. It’s the best I can do other than I have one spare room….?
Pfft! Brexiteer here.
Solely on economic considerations, it was reading an interview with James Dyson that swung it for me.
Why are we obsessing about a sclerotic over-regulated market that is just about to collapse, when there are far bigger markets, China, India, Africa to focus on?
And going from back of the queue with Obama, we are now front of the queue with Trump for trade agreements.
Ideally one would be in the back of the line for Trump deals…he famously changes terms of the deal from agreed upon to his new rules in his favor, takes delivery without paying what is owed and threatens workers who expect to be treated fairly or utilize the laws protecting jobs/work/safety/ non-discriminatory practices and financial fairness.
His deals are all about maximizing his personal victory anddealing as much defeat & failure as he can dish out to the other party. Avoid at all costs.
Obama was, IMHO, just clarifying that Brexit brings a very different position to U.K.in line forever as result of leaving the EU..
I love the U.K. very much, I am hoping the best for you all. Your country has remarkable strength and beauty. I think your care for the vulnerable is an example for other countries. I hope your future is bright.
To your health, cheers!
I am with Capricorn. I live in Scotland and the Scottish people did not vote for Brexit. I watched that saga unfold in tears. And now this…..the world is reeling from this news and cries with our brothers and sisters across the ocean.
Thank you, Scottish Lass. I need people to cry with.
Which is precisely why I am looking into moving to your beautiful country, which I was already contemplating before all this mess.
I am in such pain today. I feel like a person without a country and like NWB, I’m considering Scotland.
Hi Scottish Lass
I was a Remainer too. It’s so painful isn’t it. My whole world feels upside down. Keep Edinburgh warm for me. I lived there before and plan on coming back!
Thank you very much for this post, Tracy. Unable to settle down to sleep. Sending you hugs and wishing us all a world of courage.
I feel the same as you DoneWithNarcs, I can’t look at my fb. I’m stunned.
Very little sleep last night.
Helps knowing I’m not alone.
Thank you . . .
brit, hope you’ve gone to bed already and will get sleep better tonight. Let’s take care of our health so we can fight the good fight.
I feel completely destroyed. My family has shattered into pieces. I don’t think I can bear to watch what’s coming on TV and social media. I grieve for all of my friends who will suffer over this change. I grieve that I learned just how hateful people are, because it sure wasn’t as blatantly obvious as it is today. I don’t know who to trust.
Here I am, wide awake in Western Canada, worried about my country’s best friend, who just married a sociopath. Sending warm wishes your way, Tracy, and all Americans.
TY, ANR. 🙂
You’re welcome! And with that, I’m going to back away slowly and leave the discussion to the US citizens. I hope no permanent rifts between chumps are created — change your screen names if you have to, fellow chumps.
Married a sociopath. The perfect way to put it.
I’m planning a vacation to western Canada. Maybe I’ll stay.
“Americans: the new illegal immigrants.” Me, too, buddy — me, too.
You realize half of CN is going to ask if you’ll adopt them?
If only I could.
I’m in Western Canada too, making arrangements to sponsor someone. Many of the other side is laughing off people that are saying they’ll move. But it’s a reality.
Thanks.
CL, you are amazing! Abusive relationships was the first thing I thought about this morning after finding out the news. I feel violated and I’m not even American. Hang in there <3
The first time we have voted in a person with a certifiable DSM diagnosis.
Not so sure about that. Bill , Nixon, JFK come to mind.
I agree (and add LBJ), but I don’t think any of them were obvious during the election cycle.
Maybe not. But, had there been the current level of scrutiny, it would have shown up. I still do not get how Hillary could have stayed married to a serial cheater like Bill. That guy is evil incarnate. I need to take a shower just looking at him.
Check out Christopher Hitchens take on the Clintons on YouTube. Check Sam Harris on Trump.
How could these two be the best their parties could put forth?
FDR. Certifiable narc.
http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2013/11/14/the-most-narcissistic-u-s-presidents/
Maybe this isn’t a respected source. I dunno. It get triggery reading his biography. He hunted Elenor for his own political aspirations, not love. FDR was infatuated with Teddy R. Elenor was Teddy’s favorite niece. What better way to get up close and personal with your love target than marry someone deeply connected to it?
That’s what I can’t get past, Tempest. Partisan politics aside, I believe you’d be hard-pressed to find very many politicians who don’t exhibit narcissistic traits (it’s almost a requirement to run in the first place), and we’ve had a number of likely narcissists occupy high office in this country. But we have never elected to the presidency a candidate whose malignant, sociopathic, off-the-chain, clearly diagnosable narcissism was on such technicolor display for all to see.
I agree many/most politicians have some narcissistic traits; his diagnosis came with flashing lights.
Flashing red lights, fireworks, etc.
And a fucking marching band!
Being Chumped means you see through all the Clusterfuck B types in your world. (For scifi B movies geeks, it is like something out of They Live!)
But others cannot. People vote with the candidate they can identify with, and for rural, white, impoverished people, that is Trump.
The only people who have done well out of the past ten years of economic developments are the salaried class. Even they who live off investments have had a bumpy ride and welfare always sucks. The people who work for an hourly wage haven’t had a raise since the 60s, and have seen all their jobs go abroad (the American bosses make even more money that way).
It’s the economy, stupid….not that misogyny, racism, transphobia and xenophobia are canards, far from it…but when our entire economic system is built on rewarding the sociopathic (Gordon Gekko, anyone), then Trump’s election makes sense, in exactly the way Tracy describes-as an abusive partner maintains their power by controlling the narrative they spin to those they exploit.
Sounds Marxist, huh?
LOL!
I am not an American but I am horrified that such a creature has become President elect of the US.A vile,misogynistic,xenophobic,narcissistic,racist.
And your post is spot on Tracy.Wonderfully expressed.It’s a scary day.
Historically,we have had slave owners elected, bigots, adulterers,draft dodgers,morons,paranoics who talk to pictures or who think a God talks to them,alleged rapists,plagarists and on.
Why so upset this time?
Arnold – Because it’s 2016 and we’ve progressed beyond owning human beings. When electing other presidents that were afflicted by things on your list, said afflictions weren’t obvious and the candidate wasn’t proud to be a paranoic, etc. Trump had been very honest about his misogyny and bigotry, I’ll give him that. What upsets me most is that Americans were aware of this and chose to vote for him. That confirms that there are millions of Trumps in this country which illustrates that we haven’t progressed much beyond owning human beings.
I’m glad to be a Canadian. Biggest.mistake. ever.
I am not a huge fan of Trump, however, I am not all that worried. I know he ran a campaign that appealed to the “Angry American “, but I suspect his actual policies will be more moderate. Here’s to hoping he will surround himself with decent advisors.
Yes like Rudy Giuliani , newt and vp Pence…those level headed guys?
No. No decent advisors – all foxes in the henhouse. http://www.politico.com/story/2016/11/who-is-in-president-trump-cabinet-231071
Not a single woman on that list.
Just a list of corporate foxes who want to “guard” (ravage) the henhouse.
We are so fucked.
I was smoking the hopium pipe EXACTLY 2 years ago this day at the direction of the sex addict therapy industry. And you know what? After faking “recovery” for 6 months, Dr. Crazy only got more abusive. And he continues in the divorce proceedings.
Trump showed us who he is. Over and over. This morning I woke up to the news and vomited. I don’t know how yet but I’m going to Mother Jones this thing the best I can, not just for my teen daughters but my son as well. I’m not going to get high again.
This sort of “he’s harmless” talk is what got him elected in the first place. And it’s what all us chumps here have heard and been fed and had to swallow, from cheaters, and cheater-apologists, and Switzerland friends.
“When people show you who they are, believe them.” We say that here, right? Why would he change his ways (which have been consistent through decades, not just this election) when he’s just been rewarded for it? That’s not how animal behavior works. And if anyone thought letting this vicious dog off its leash, that he’d only go after the “bad guys”? then clearly you’ve never worked with animals.
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” Anyone who voted for Trump thinking he is going to be anything other than what he has promised to be will find themselves duped by a con man and a racist.
You call building a wall moderate?
He doesn’t seem like the type who would surround himself with people who would challenge or contradict him.Narcissists like to get their own way.I am worried,very worried for the world.
A man who mocks disabled people,thinks he’s entitled to grab women by their genitals is president elect of the US.
Perhaps I feel so bad because some of his character traits trigger me and remind me of the sociopath I tangled with.
Same here deedee.
I am an American, my family immigrated from Ireland and Italy in the early 1900’s as did half of Americans living here now. Most of us are immigrants. I feel so sad for my Country.
Watching the debates made me hyperventilate because I could see the pattern my ex used on me clearly and it triggered my old feelings of hopelessness, frustration and lifelessness.
I am so disappointed with angry men and women who harbor bigotry, ignorance and refuse to evolve. Some just don’t want a woman holding the highest position in our country so they voted in a narcissistic sociopath instead. I am saddened by the jubilation people feel, hoping that this flim flam will fix the country and make it great. All of us here know he will do nothing of what he promised, unless kibbles are forthcoming, he will continue to gaslight the disputes and facts of his behavior. The media will begin to overlook his behavior as we did our narc partner. He will do whatever he wants with no regard for this Country and anyone in it but himself.
I will start working hard to peacefully oppose his negative toxicity and hope the harm he will do will not be too lasting.
Our best hope is that the system holds.
Why would it hold? Republican congress and the Supreme court about to tip Republican? No checks. No balances. — I’m terrified.
THIS. Absolutely this. There are zero boundaries. My only hope is we can vote them out, assuming we still have a democracy left.
I will help run an Underground Railroad before I allow women to go back to using coat hangers!
My mother fought hard for a woman’s right to choose a legal, safe abortion. She had a back alley abortion in the 60’s. She continued to march and protest in DC in a wheelchair and Depends!
The changes made to the Supreme Court are what of upmost importance. The empty seat plus RBG (how long can she hang on?).
These nominations will impact generations to come; not just 8 years!!!
I’m not praying or looking for fault or blaming one group or another…I’m getting my hiking boots ready to march and my dollars ready to help Planned Parenthood and my will to make sure women stay safe. We all have our issues and this is mine
Abortion is very emotionally traumatic. Choice isn’t going anywhere. Why not choose to have the baby and give it up if you can’t raise it. This desire to shove partial birth abortion down everyone’s throats was a bridge too far for some. Maybe CA can secede and live as it wishes.
I am against killing humans.
Just let me know…..I’ll polish up my hiking boots!
This is the day all generations of American women have seen just how far we haven’t come.
I had exactly this thought, too.
I’m terrified of the Justices who will be appointed. Can’t vote them out. This will set our laws back to the Stone Age. Get your aprons ready, girls!
aprons and coat hangers.
I am hoping for an underground availability of Misopristol, at least for early term. They can’t stop that.
But I had to have a late 2nd term termination for medical reasons–and I promise you, nobody wants that. Nobody. I was catatonic with grief. I grieve now for the women who will not even have that option unless they can afford to leave the US.
Barbaric.
Like NWB, I fear for the world.
I think our best hope is for a pair of skilled snipers.
Yeah…that’s the exact way I felt for eight years under Obama. Alas, it didn’t happen being illegal and immoral and all.
Ooops, your racism is showing again.
Lucky seven, I find your comment very offensive and shocking
Not me. I think the only problem is that it would give us Pence, who is , if possible, worse.
Trump isn’t the only narcissist around. We’re not entitled to have everyone think in lockstep with us. Most other countries tightly control immigration. 29% of Latinos voted for Trump; 13% of black men. Are they racist?
I know. I’m ok with that.
Someone can remove it, I’m sure. I’m ok with that too.
I don’t think it’s any more offensive or shocking than what the new president-elect has said from stages all over the country this year, or what his supporters have said, either. And I don’t see a need to be nice about it.
At the same time, I’m not interested in hurting anyone. It was sharp dark humor and if it missed the mark here, my bad.
Carry on; nothing to see here.
What a helpful comment.
Brain burrowing flesh eating bacteria works too.
That’s it exactly.
Agreed. I’ve told the same thing to people, this is not a man who wants to be challenged or surrounded by the more intelligent or ethical. Pence, Christie (I’m in Jersey, he’s a disaster) and senile Rudy Giuliani – that’s the caliber we are looking at.
I worked in NJ for 9 years, so know a bit about the politics there. As awful as Christie is, I’d take him over Trump in a NJ minute.
Same here. I don’t even live in the USA and I’ve been feeling sick all day. It’s like narcissists and sociopaths run the world now.
That’s how I feel too.
I can’t believe what I saw last night. I am in shock and so worried now!
Thank You Tracy.
I fell asleep and woke up to his victory at 330 this morning. My instinct was to to say, “I can’t believe it.” That was the old Donna speaking.
The new Donna knows what she can and cannot control. I’m no longer in an abusive relationship, focus on my potential, and know my worth.
The change is often times forced upon us without notice. Knowing we can change equipped with the knowledge and recognition of malignant narcissists, serial cheater, misogynistic assholes is powerful.
We have that.
Wow, great comment, Donna. So true, change is often forced upon us and we are specially equipped to deal with it now.
Yes, and we will not be silent.
Doingme, THIS is exactly the response we need to cultivate. Our special skill set (dealing with the disordered) is exactly what’s called for now.
Wise words.
I came here this morning to see what you would have to say because this is exactly what I was thinking. God help us all.
While the amazing diversity of our nation (and ChumpNation) makes us great, it also makes for a variety of beliefs – political, religious, personal.
Wherever CN cannot agree, we should remember we CAN agree on mutual respect and kindness for one another. We can agree you give sound relationship advice. We can also agree on expressing personal opinions on beliefs we hold dear through thoughtful, articulate writing, such as your post today, is a real gift to others and a right many don’t have or won’t use.
Thanks for your pov and your insight. Your courage to speak your mind is inspiring.
I am only 28, married to a fucktard, we have two beautiful kids together, 1and 3. First d-day was before we got engaged whilst pregnant with our young one, told his parents and they say they spoke to him and he said he would change. 2nd d-day was shortly before marriage, his parents spoke to him and asked if he wanted to get married and he said yes. A year later found that girls number, stored under a different name, and a phone call 8 minutes long. Asked him about it, he denied calling or even having the number. Called the parents, he denied and suggested that I table proof. I don’t have proof, he deleted the records. The only way to prove is to get his phone records. I’m so done. His denial is evidence enough that nothing will change. We are still going to meet with both his and my parents, but I made it clear that I have no intentions to stay to my parents. My kids are still young from the children are resilient post one learned that it’s more difficult to go through divorce when the kids are older. Now is as good a time as any. Please advise
DonesndDusted,
My ex and I have been divorced for 8 months, separated for 1 year. He just told me yesterday that I can’t PROVE that he did anything wrong. Who says that except a child in a man’s body; he’s 46. Asking for proof is so wrong on so many levels. 1. If I could prove it, then what? He’s only remorseful if I can prove it? If I can’t prove it then it didn’t happen?
2. If I can’t prove it does that mean that it’s ok for him to cheat and get away with it? 3. If I can or can’t prove it, does that change the damage it did to me? 4, Does that change reality. 5. Are we in court? — why do I have the burden of proof. Chasing proof is like chasing unicorns. What a mindfuck.
What he didn’t say was this: “I did not do it; I’m not a cheater; I would never cheat.” What cheaters don’t say is as important that what they do say. Fuck proof, trust your gut.
Wish I had this site at your age! When you need a good smack upside the head, please come here. That’s what I did and I’m so thankful! Your gut is the only thing that you have to guide you through life. USE it to protect yourself and your children. He is wayyyyyyy too much for you to have to deal with. Time to find someone who is serious about commitment and not just getting his jollies off at your expense! He’s screwing other women. Repeat this to yourself several times when you feel like you want to stay with this loser jack-ass.. “He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t love you, he doesn’t love you…” Anyone who cheats on you does NOT love you. Look at his actions. He is a piece of shi+. GET ANGRY and leave this DOUCHEBAG.
D&D
Right now you have a support system. Regardless of our age there will always be challenges to face.
Trust your instincts and don’t allow anyone to sway you into believing he can change or that your children are better off with an intact family.
My house was on fire and I kept trying to douse the flames. I can’t think of any good reasons to tolerate abuse. RUN.
Don’t stay, Done & Dusted. You’ll only get weaker from the covert abuse and it will be harder to leave next time. You sound courageous now; leap. Big hugs.
Tempest is so right on this. The covert abuse will make you weaker.
Please leave now. He’ll only get worse. Trust your instinct and protect yourself and your beautiful children. You can do this. Remember you are mighty.
DoneandDusted,
Please leave now. He won’t change. I saw evidence of cheating before we even go engaged. Of course he denied any wrongdoing and I stupidly believed him. When I was pregnant with our second, he had some type of affair with a ho-worker (PA or EA, I’m not sure which one, but something was definitely going on!). He even said when I was pregnant with our second, “You and the kids will be fine finanacially without me.” So, he was obviously involved with someone and wanted out of the marriage. I was so afraid and heartbroken at the time. I did not want to be a single mom with two kids under the age of two. Long story short, I stuck it out. But he continued to lie and sneak around seeing women behind my back the next fourteen years. To this day I don’t know if he ever actually had a PA, but all the lying and EA’s broke me down emotionally and psychologically. I wish to this day that I would have left when the kids were babies. I could have moved back to my home state (he obviously had absolutely no interest in the kids when they were babies — he was jealous of them — he’s a narc) and I could have started my life over as a much younger woman. Also, the divorce came as a horrible shock to not only me, but my dear children who never saw it coming either (narcs final discard are horribly cruel, cold and calculating.) They were devastated and to this day, they are still not the same. I don’t think they’ll ever be the same again. Do yourself and your kids a big favor and leave right now. I’m truly sorry you are going through this. I know how hard it is and I’m sending you are big ((((HUG)))). You can do it! Get out and get away from this cheater! HE WILL NEVER CHANGE!
Thank you Martha, I’ve seen enough to know he won’t. I refuse to stick around hanging on to hopelessness. CN has kept me strong and I’m very lucky to see this site at a young age because I read of people that stayed for 30+ years only for the narc to walk out on them… I’m strong because I found this site. CN saved me from wasting my youth any further.
Leave. Just leave. He is destroying himself and he will turn on you in due course. Your story mirrors mine. I even spoke to both our parents. He was always a cheat. I’m 37 with two kids. He was cheating from the get go. My one mistake was staying.
D&D, you are young and do have a life ahead of you. For your children as well. You are strong and you can leave him. I polished a relationship for 28 years until the X decided it was over. I look back and have to forgive myself. What could it have been like with someone that had my values? The main reason I regret it now is because my kids have a fucktard for a parent. My youngest actually made a doctor appointment yesterday to see about getting on anti-depressants. Why? Mainly because the X has lost her mind and my kid is worried about her! Get away and let your kids have a sane parent lead them through life! Chump Nation is for you!
I’m so conflicted. I wanted change. Just like I wanted change when I left my narcissists parents as soon as I graduated hs. Then I married into another narc family. I soon realized that and got the hell out. I wanted change. Worked on myself for a couple years till a covert narc chose me. He love bombed me for 3 years, while analyzing my family and friends and slowly isolating me from them. The discard and devaluing started almost as soon as I said “I do”. I wanted change. So I had a baby. Things were not good. But I stayed because he loved me and would never cheat on me. I had another baby. Things got worse. But I stayed because he was a good provider and everyone (except me) thought he was a great guy. With my spackling – he looked like a great dad and family man. I hide my miserable life from everyone. He was emotionally abusing me and I had no one to tell- I didn’t want to lose my children to his narc family (or mine). So I stayed. Years of mc didn’t help. We told our family we were going to the accountants office. More spackling on my part. I was just trying to fix it. But I wanted change.
One sleepless night, I found a listing for a book on amazon (leave a cheater, gain a life) I bought a digital copy and started reading. I was finally getting answers to all the questions I had had for years. I followed the advice I read and found a jewish woman therapist who encouraged me to use whatever language I wanted (swearing) to help me see things clearly. I wanted change.
I got brave and lined up my ducks and went to see a lawyer. I filed for divorce before he could talk me out of it again. I found a house for the kids and I and I left. I was fortunate enough to be able to do that on my own. I had no family or friends to help me. He had turned everyone against me with his lies and my narc family wanted me to stay -not to change anything and just “keep my marriage commitment”. Nobody cared that he didn’t keep his commitment to “forsake all others”.
My life has changed for the better. I’m still in therapy, I’m modeling healthy behavior to my teens and I’m stopping this narc behavior that has surrounded me my whole life. Im staying the hell away from their toxic shit. And yes, I would like some change in politics and after all that I’ve been through-I can deal with 4 more years of narc behavior. Sadly, I know what they do and how to avoid them. Staying no contact works. Trust that they suck!
Thank you. I’m stunned. I have no words. Nothing make sense anymore.
Just Love you StrongWoman!
+1000
This describes the situation perfectly. Thank you.
Question is whether the breaking point comes after 1 DDay or years of mind twisting devaluation, although I think the gas lighting has been going on for years anyway.
How do you go No Contact with the country you live in?
Excellent question, Finally Awake! In fact, it’s so good, I’m going to ask it several more times:
How do you go NC with the country you live in?
How do you go NC with the country you live in?
How do you go NC with the country you live in?
I will stay and fight.
And a fucking marching band!
Being Chumped means you see through all the Clusterfuck B types in your world. (For scifi B movies geeks, it is like something out of They Live!)
But others cannot. People vote with the candidate they can identify with, and for rural, white, impoverished people, that is Trump.
The only people who have done well out of the past ten years of economic developments are the salaried class. Even they who live off investments have had a bumpy ride and welfare always sucks. The people who work for an hourly wage haven’t had a raise since the 60s, and have seen all their jobs go abroad (the American bosses make even more money that way).
It’s the economy, stupid….not that misogyny, racism, transphobia and xenophobia are canards, far from it…but when our entire economic system is built on rewarding the sociopathic (Gordon Gekko, anyone), then Trump’s election makes sense, in exactly the way Tracy describes-as an abusive partner maintains their power by controlling the narrative they spin to those they exploit.
Sounds Marxist, huh?
You rock ian. Im with you. Stand and fight+
My 15 year old daughter has been texting me the horrible comments from the smug satisfied Trump supporting teens in her school. This is what we’ve given our children.
Thank you Ian. For stating it so simply.
Same at my son’s office (and they are all well-educated professionals).
Spewing hate about women and minorities surrounded by women and minorities – no embarrassment at all!
Ugh, vomit.
Ian, I am with you! My generation was the first in the family that did not join the armed services. BUT, I will stay and fight for and with my American family!
Leave. That’s my plan. But I have only one sister (and friends) here — nothing to hold me to a country that has drifted so far from my own set of core values, like dignity, humility, social responsibility…. I wrote a blog post about it (“Dear America, I’m Breaking Up With You”) even before the election, but it’s even more relevant now.
Oh, thank you.
I live in Australia and spent the day watching the election results with my 14 and 12-year-old girls. I have also spent part of today talking them about abusive conditioning as their father has upped his mind games to gain control over them now and long term. I had just sat down to my computer after class to look for something to post on how you know you are in an abusive relationship and up came today’s post. I laughed so hard I cried, and that resulted in my reading the post to my 14 yr old as she was concerned I was upset. Now we are sharing the laugh………. thanks, Tracy, timely as ever.
Sorry I feel I must clarify that I do not find being chumped funny.
I laugh because they all use the same handbook. and unfortunately, I laugh when I express uncomfortable emotion.
Everything in this post is how my husband got his hooks into me and his new wife. He is an abuser how else does a closeted gay man manage to marry the only two women he has ever dated. And have them buy that he is straight.