Dear Chump Lady, Why am I second guessing my decision to break up?

backDear Chump Lady,

Why am I second guessing my decision to break up with him?

Thank you for having this site….I don’t know how I could possibly go through what I’m going through without you and CN. This website is the first thing I read when I wake, and the last before I sleep. Since it’s been difficult for me to sleep these nights, I’ve pretty much read everything on your site.

Two years ago, I was a confident woman, loving the life I had. I wasn’t attached, traveled, ran my own business and managed to pay my mortgage and bills. I was satisfied — happy! — because I stopped trying to keep up with everybody materially and told myself I had enough and was lucky to be where I was at 48. A guy I was once intimate with came back into my life because he wanted me to help him with his business. Professionally, we did great things. A year into working together, he pursued me relentlessly. At first I resisted. I wanted to find someone that would commit. He kept after me and told me we could have a commitment. I caved. I fell in love. I really loved him and thought he felt the same.

Until I discovered racy texts to his neighbor on his iPad last November. Phrases like “I want to see you cum,” or “I can lay with you for a bit so you can feel better,” or, “when can I visit you at night?” went back and forth from the time we started our relationship to then. When I asked him about this woman, he denied everything until I told him the exact words I read. I took pictures of the texts to make sure I wasn’t making this shit up. He finally admitted he sent those texts. Our phone conversation went down before a client meeting. I was dizzy but pulled myself together, took a few minutes to focus and managed to get through that day. Then I broke down. Seriously. I was in pain, my whole body ached — especially my chest.

He asked me to stick it out, told me I was the one he was committed to and that the texts were just for “fun.” He said he’d stop communicating with this woman. He said there was no reason for me to be so insecure, that I was “better than that.” He seemed irate about having to explain himself. I faked myself out and believed he cared, used a lot of spackle despite glaring clues to his infidelity. My gut told me to not trust him, he lies frequently, not only to me but others. He doesn’t talk about our future or tell me he loves me; he flirts with other women in my presence and really doesn’t let anyone know we’re a couple. Our sex life was great but now it’s the pits…he goes limp probably because he’s getting it from somewhere else. I don’t like who I am when I’m with him…unsure, unattractive.

I finally broke up with him tonight, unexpectedly, as we drove home from dinner. I ran out of spackle. Ten months of pretending I’m okay with him is enough. Yet I feel like I’m making a mistake. I’m 50 now, and well, you know the fears of a single 50 year old woman. I am so opposite of what I was two years ago. I’m struggling. I’m so sad. I’m looking to CN to help me get through this.

Why am I second guessing myself despite my gut telling me to tell him to fuck off?

Blooming

Dear Blooming,

Hobgoblins of fear, that’s why. Clearly logic isn’t holding the reins here. If it was you’d see the idiocy of texting his neighbor “I want to see you cum” followed by the reassurance that you’re the one he’s “committed” to.

Don’t feel bad. Very few people react to being chumped with total clarity and laser focus. Most of us cling to our cheaters trying to make sense of the self-serving nonsense that spews out of their lying mouths. Before we leave, we have to be certain that betrayal is a hanging offense. We’re not going to just chuck our entire investment and our deep commitment over a misunderstanding.

So instead of trusting the evidence and knowing our worth and what our deal breakers are, chumps spackle. There holding the spackle trowel are the hobgoblins of fear. You’ll die alone! No one will ever love a woman over 50! You’re worthless without him! His validation is the ONLY validation that matters! You’re a failure! Your inadequacies made him cheat! How could anyone love someone as flawed as you? HANG ON TO HIM! This is your LAST CHANCE!

Standing next to the hobgoblins are those unicorns of hope, prancing around all dreamy and dewy-eyed whispering, “You can FIX THIS!” and “I have a VISION of your future happiness! Why, these affairs will just make your relationship STRONGER!”

Way, way down the field is Logic. The hobgoblins have tied him to a tree and the unicorns stuffed an apple in his mouth to shut him up, but Logic has spat it out and persists. “THIS MAKES NO SENSE! ABORT MISSION!”

Logic’s shouts are faint and far away. The unicorns take a deep toke on the hopium pipe and pass it to you. “Pay no attention to that lunatic. He’s just bitter.” The hobgoblins chime in, “You don’t want to be one of those pathetic BITTER people do you? ALONE. BEREFT. PATHETIC.”

So why are you second guessing yourself? Hobgoblins and unicorns.

Let’s free Logic and take a look at your cheater’s bullshit.

He asked me to stick it out, told me I was the one he was committed to and that the texts were just for “fun.”

Do you want to be with someone who thinks it’s “fun” to disrespect you? Whose idea of commitment is booty-calling his neighbor? (And if you think that relationship stops and starts with texts, I have a unicorn to sell you.)

He said he’d stop communicating with this woman.

Because there are always OTHER women. Sure, he’ll stop! The problem isn’t this woman — the problem is HIM.

He said there was no reason for me to be so insecure, that I was “better than that.”

Gaslighting. You took a picture of that “reason” — he sexts other women. Any loving person would feel off balance and insecure to discover infidelity. If that shit doesn’t rock your world? You’re not that deep. It would be a superficial wound of a superficial person.

You’re better than that? Yes you are. You have a heart. You need to go find other people with hearts. He’s not your tribe.

He seemed irate about having to explain himself.

Well yes, of course. The rage, charm, self-pity channel flips of manipulation are exhausting.

I faked myself out and believed he cared, used a lot of spackle despite glaring clues to his infidelity. My gut told me to not trust him, he lies frequently, not only to me but others.

He lies frequently? To others? And you’re in BUSINESS with this person? Dear God woman, get a forensic accountant AND a shrink! Protect yourself!

He doesn’t talk about our future or tell me he loves me; he flirts with other women in my presence and really doesn’t let anyone know we’re a couple.

Wow. I can smell the Commitment from here.

Our sex life was great but now it’s the pits…he goes limp probably because he’s getting it from somewhere else.

You’ve seen behind the mask. They never sparkle again after that, unless they want something. You’re second-rate kibbles now. Except in whatever other way you’re of use to him.

I don’t like who I am when I’m with him…unsure, unattractive.

There’s your reason to dump him. How about liking who you are again? A woman certain of her worth! Nothing more attractive than that.

Blooming — you’re just grieving. The pain will pass. Stay no contact and protect your business and your heart from this creep. I promise you’ll go back to your awesome self after you detox from this relationship. Tell the hobgoblins to fuck off and the unicorns where to shove it. Logic is running the show now.

 

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Supreme Chump
Supreme Chump
7 years ago

Blooming, it seems like there were some things about this guy that you already were not comfortable with. You did the best thing for yourself when you broke up with him. Don’t let baseless fears drive you back to him. He has shown you what he is. You are on the right path without him.

UXworld
UXworld
7 years ago

“A woman certain of her worth! Nothing more attractive than that.”

You put your sense of selfworth on the line for someone who convinced you that he was a good emotional risk. (That’s what chumps do — they jump in with both feet and with sincerity.) And you lost, as all of us here have.

The devestation of this realization is the reason why you’re having these doubts. Chump Lady, as usual, says it better than I ever could. If if helps, consider yourself fortunate that you didn’t invest marital vows (and all that goes with them) into this loser.

“A woman certain of her worth! Nothing more attractive than that.” For any real man, a woman who is truly confident in what she brings to the relationship table is the ultimate turn-on. Never forget that.

sephage
sephage
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

“For any real man, a woman who is truly confident in what she brings to the relationship table is the ultimate turn-on. Never forget that.”

As a real man, I want to highlight, boldface font, underscore and spotlight that statement.

That kind of natural confidence and beauty is insanely sexy.

Please dump this creep and let him stay dumped.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  sephage

And let me say this as a women of 65 who came into her full confidence as a woman after being betrayed in my early 60s; this is truth: “For any real man, a woman who is truly confident in what she brings to the relationship table is the ultimate turn-on. Never forget that.”

It’s not just being attractive to those you might want to date. It’s also being a person who attracts quality friends, business associates, people seeking mentors, and even professional and personal opportunities. When I started my life re-design, using Pinterest, I spent a year collecting pins–articles, memes, photos and quotations about confidence because I saw that my confidence level left me vulnerable to disordered types, substance abusers, and users. I took developing confidence by facing challenges and learning to manage fear as one of the most important things I could do for myself.

Being 50? That’s still young. There’s still nearly a quarter of a century to work, if you want to. There’s time to travel and meet people and develop new interests. A friend of mine had a brain tumor last year and is now teaching himself the guitar to develop new neural pathways. He’s a confident man–he knows he might not get all his functioning back, but he wants every bit he can get, and he trusts in his ability to live. And by that, I mean he trusts that he is an agent in his own life, able to choose how to respond to the challenges he faces.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

LAJ, we can’t thank you enough for this post!! A masterpiece. By we, I mean my sister and I, both chumps. She is also battling cancer while navigating her divorce. We salute you for your eloquence and encouragement. A confidence booster.

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  sephage

“As a real man, I want to highlight, boldface font, underscore and spotlight that statement [that confident women are alluring and compelling].”

UxWorld, sephage, Marked711, and SureChumpedALot, you’re all awesome for posting about this issue. When men take the initiative to call bullshit on cultural stereotypes, it’s revealing (insight from men that belies the stereotype), supportive, and, for this hetero feminist, very welcome solidarity. Thank you.

kaycan
kaycan
7 years ago
Reply to  ClaireS

Shout-out to all the Chump Guys who chimed in to encourage the Chump Gals today, showing us what you are made of! As someone who has found an incredible Chump Guy of her own, let me say this: Gentlemen, every one of you will rock some lucky lady’s (or man’s, if that’s your thing) world!

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago
Reply to  kaycan

Thank you gentlemen, your presence on CN is critical to restore my belief that there are articulate, introspective, and high integrity men in this word!

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  kaycan

I agree. They’re truly wonderful and give me hope there are still good men out there.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  kaycan

Exactly! I smile with joy and pride at this nation.
Thank you gentlemen!

Mandie101
Mandie101
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

You know you chump guys don’t know what you represent here. Or maybe you do. You are those men that some of us chump ladies grew up with: fathers, grandfathers , uncles, brothers, men who took family commitment seriously and valued family. In this chaos the men in my family have kept me grounded reminding that one idiot does not represent one group.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Yes thank you guys!

Hop skip and chump
Hop skip and chump
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

These guys are just that – gentleman. Thank you!

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  ClaireS

I’m a feminist with a penis, and I approve of this message.

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Ian, I don’t know whether that’s:

• a smackdown (shut up already about the feminism, that’s not the point even IF you were trying to avoid femenazis on steroids);
• a deadpan shout out and a high five for the comments; or
• a vintage Ian public service announcement —

but whatever it is, it is HILARIOUS. LMAO.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  ClaireS

It was said in earnest and to amuse.

A radical feminist I am.

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Mission accomplished! 😉

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  ClaireS

*feminazis

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  ClaireS

ChumpedByLoser, who was posting as I was typing, you, too!

ChumpedbyLoser
ChumpedbyLoser
7 years ago
Reply to  sephage

I have to agree, from yet another man. Be choosy about the guy you replace this loser with. That guy will be one lucky SOB!!

Marked711
Marked711
7 years ago
Reply to  sephage

+1 totally agree (from another real man).

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Marked711

Yes yes yes! Another man high-fiving here. Shallow cheaters will never get this.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago

Thank you for the humorous image of the hobgoblins and unicorns … I love the visual image of poor logic tied to a tree with an apple stuffed in his mouth! Even five months out from a desperately horrible and despicable situation, I still have moments of second guessing. Very, very brief moments but there is a part of me that will always wish that the past 30 years had been something other than what they actually were. Sigh. Then I straighten my shoulders, take a deep breath, and get on with living my life free of being lied to, cheated on, and treated like a useful drudge. To take back the good parts means to take back the horrendous parts. No thanks! Onward!!!

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

There might be an apple stuffed in the mouth of this guy.

Feelingbetter
Feelingbetter
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Think we need a “like” button here ?????

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Feelingbetter

?

The EX-orcist
The EX-orcist
7 years ago

Two years into Blooming’s “relationship” and she is a shell of her former self. The reward for trying to make a “relationship” with a disordered fuckface whorefucking fucker.

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
7 years ago
Reply to  The EX-orcist

Nailed it, Ex-orcist!!!!! Lmao ?

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  The EX-orcist

Damn if this isn’t the whole deal in two sentences, Ex-orcist.

The Ex-orcist
The Ex-orcist
7 years ago
Reply to  The EX-orcist

I stole whorefucker from a fellow chump?. Feel free to use all my graphic obsceneties!!

NotMyRealName
NotMyRealName
7 years ago
Reply to  The Ex-orcist

LOVE! it’s the graphic obscenities that get me through the day–i’m making a poster of this one

Digbert
Digbert
7 years ago
Reply to  The EX-orcist

?….”disordered fuckface whorefucking fucker”

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Digbert

Yeah, that made me laugh, too. Nice one, EX-orcist. 🙂

mathewyellott
mathewyellott
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

This is kinda what I am waiting for my ex is now living with her rich gross old man. The same one she cheated on me with. I am wondering how long it can last…. really hoping it all blows up. but clearly I know nothing about the way the world really works so chances are they will live happily ever after in a series of giant houses and I will have to claw my way back to being made whole. O my ex’s Mr. sparkle dick also GAVE her a six figure job that she was not qualified for… Yeah life is rad.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  mathewyellott

This sounds like my situation reversed. My STBX is the gross old man! I wanted everything to go wrong between them SO badly so I understand how you feel!

Don’t worry. I now believe they deserve each other and frankly don’t care. She will lose her job eventually. He may also – he makes an obscene amount of money and rarely works. She’s a drunk and a criminal and will waste her youth on him. He’s shallow, self-centered, and pathological and will indulge her vices. They are doomed because they suck!

If they truly make each other happy, they can be stuck with each other for the rest of their lives. They are way beneath me and my kids. Not my circus…

I know I can get a better job (or a promotion), can control my expenses, and can make good investments. I can create wealth and create a new future for ME.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  mathewyellott

Give it time. I watched this happen at work. Boss brought in his girlfriend and gave her a cushy job, they got married. She had to leave because she couldn’t actually do the job. She had to find another job which I know paid $20,000 a year less. Last year I found out he cheated on her. I laughed. It will happen to your ex too.

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago

He always planned his future without me. Yet, months before DDay he was actively attempting to get into purchasing a two family home. He needed my signature for a morgage. I was in a vulnerable state. My mother just passed away. Something inside me said NO.

That future would have been living with him for the rest of my life with his side fucks in place. He lived and loved the double life.

When plan B failed DDay happened within a month. He said he couldn’t get anywhere with me. He sat in a dump instead sharing rent with a whore to use her instead.

I dodged a huge bullet. The future is more of the same unless you say NO.

I would have been stuck forever. It was my chance to get out and I took it.

Get out. He’s a liar and a user. Secure your finances ASAP.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Mine DID buy a fuckpad for himself. After he dumped Gradwhore, I guess he decided he’d just have tawdry flings through adult websites, but needed a place to do it. He looked at houses by himself, bought the damn house by himself, and told me after the fact with the explanation, “I wanted to surprise you because I knew you’d like a house downtown.”

Sexual deception is not the only set of lies they tell.

Feelingbetter
Feelingbetter
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Mine had a hippie fuck tent in the woods

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

As nomar said yesterday, Tempest, sexual deception is not the only set of lies they tell. It seems impossible for a cheater to blow though someone’s life without financial consequences for the chump.

Why would I ever get married, mingle finances, or even share a domicile with another person again?

Sad Shelby
Sad Shelby
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

I have a plan to win the lottery and build a super fancy girls only house. Where I live with pretty things and have girly adult beverage cocktail hour every evening. And it’s NO MEN ALLOWED! Just girls. Big pretty kitchen to cook and have fun and extra bedrooms in case ladies need to escape long or short term! Woo hoo! Freedom and comfort and things that make me happy and all fun all the time! Okay giant windfall! Where are you?! ?

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Sad Shelby

Shelby – please quit thinking the lottery will make your life better having more money.
It just doesn’t work that way and you know it.
Buying any tickets in the hope you’ll win is just throwing precious money away.
Sorry, don’t mean to preach but, you know why the casino’s are so fancy in Las Vegas, right?
Same with ‘state’ lottery – it’s just another rather huge tax..

The one thing I appreciated about the divorce is downsizing.
I had far too much ‘stuff’.
Used to throw huge dinner parties. None of those friends are my friends anymore. (all couples)
My new place doesn’t even have a dining room table.
I said, fagget all the entertaining with those Switz friends.

I now use only use one burner on the stove, one pan or pot – cooking for one.
Fine, love it.
Another big roaster to cook for dogs, my biggest fun.

It’s the simpler things I’m enjoying without him and the pressures of being a married woman, having to provide a meal for him nightly right at 4:30-5pm – the least time of day I wanted dinner. Today, I eat at 8pm, because I LIKE eating then.

Sure, I may have lost 1/2 my ‘income’, ‘style of living’, ‘status in the social community’, and most of ‘the old friends’. But, that’s when I appeared to have money, that I had ‘that great life’.

I will tell you that now I’m poorer, I’m much happier than I have been.
I know who my real friends are.
They no longer look at me for a status promotion or to be tied to somebody with money, to climb the social scale. That’s a bullshit life. I grew up without an indoor toilet as the youngest of 5 kids in an old farmhouse, and we had dinner every night thanks to a full time mom at home and a Dad who came home every night. To me? That’s far more important than winning any lottery.

Reading all your comments, sweetie.
Keep on writing out your feelings.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Never.Ever.Ever.Again.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

damn straight, never again!

Confused123
Confused123
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Me as well. I’m done and so much happier for it. Sometimes I feel sad that I reached this stage at 41 but I’ve been put through the wringer to may times by fucktards.

Mandie101
Mandie101
7 years ago
Reply to  Confused123

No co mingling except for the barest of mutual expenses. I won’t be offended if he feels the same. But what is that for love really? I don’t know.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

I’m with you on the “never again” bit.

But that house Hannibal put in his own name? 3 words: Community Property State. ; )

Tessie
Tessie
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Same here, Pollyanna has retired!

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Me too. Never again.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

“I’m taking a job in San Francisco (I’m DC based)but we don’t need to discuss this because I will be staying in commuter hotels” (fast forward 3 seconds) ” I have nowhere to keep my mayonnaise, I’m signing a lease on an apt. The furniture will cost about $5000. Will you get me a certified check for the security deposit?” Chumps me ordered the check

cassidy
cassidy
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Shoot, you’re not the only one. My asshat emptied all our bank accounts to get an apartment in NYC for his contract job. Then got mugged and I had to cancel all credit cards. I was penniless for several days and almost lost my job using our company credit card to put gas in the car to get to work until the credit cards showed up. I had to BEG every month for his promised share of his big fat paycheck in New York. I was trying to keep the mortgage paid, go to work, run a farm and take care of our kiddo while he was literally fucking around in NYC…

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  cassidy

Shithead claimed he had broken up with Susan before he took the job in SF. After he died, I found a souvenir from SF in his personal effects…his name written in Chinese (her native language).

I was home with 3 struggling kids and a job caring for dying children. For the record…the first day I returned to work after Dday (no sleep, couldnt eat and my heart in torn shreds) and I had 3 deaths to care for that day. Me thinks he and God had a chat about that one.

When we wreckonciled, he gave away the furniture and drove home 3000 miles with the household stuff he could fit in his scrotumobile which included bedding. I recently had the chance to purge that pile of bedding to the Goodwill pile…I think a few “FUCK!!!”s flew that day.

BetterDays
BetterDays
7 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

This reminds me of something that happened in the last year or so of our marriage. We were having dinner with friends and out of the blue he says that when the kids go to college (10+ years away), he’s going to split his time between New York and New Orleans. And I was completely stunned because he’d NEVER MENTIONED THAT TO ME.

Later I was talking to him and the conversation went something like this:

Me: “Were you serious about that plan?”
Him: “Yes.”
Me: “But we never talked about anything like that. Don’t you think we should discuss retirement plans together?”
Him: “Well, this is what I want to do.”
Me: “I’m not sure I want to live in those two places.”
Him: “So I don’t get what I want!”

Chumpy me then spent the next few days trying to explain to a grown man who’d been married nearly twenty years why it’s NOT OKAY to make retirement plans without your wife’s input.

saw
saw
7 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

Yeah! My hopefully soon to be ex-husband and I put our farm up for sell. he encouraged me to take the dream of my lifetime trip, while he and the children raided our home, my closet and he told everyone, “She left me and I am going to make her pay for it. He was forced into retirement due to health issues and I because the target. Yes, he was and is a narcissistic sociopath. I have learn a lot since he left the farm a year ago and became a snowbird. He wants me to be on the streets with no money after 19 plus years of marriage. He is making the divorce everlasting and picks significant dates to send my temporary support along with calling timber men and the phone company to tell them the phone I am speaking to them on is out of order. Control freak even after leaving the farm and marriage. yes, to a limp man sexually.

hopiumrecovery
hopiumrecovery
7 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

Durtbag convinced me to sell my rental property because, in his words”i want another house to work onBecause my self esteem is so low”. You know, because he didn’t have many gigs and I was paying for our huge home, where his mom lived with us, a new car, his hair transplants, music gear, etc. Chumpy me, at the height of the abuse, agreed, contingent on the sale of the other home. Surprise surprise he had a house picked out the next day!
I insisted on seeing it. It was my premarital money buying it. I heard him say to the realtor on the phone “my wife, who you haven’t met, would like to see the house tomorrow.” Huh?! So I went to see the house, after saying to him I felt like he had shopped for it with someone else (aka slut puppet, his music “partner”). He denied of course. I of course asked the realtor and lo and behold he had toured the house a week earlier with a young woman. Huh….. I was furious and called him and he pulled out all the narc tricks in the book. So I put an offer on the house contingent I the sale of the other house. Durt was Pissed about the contingency (as if I had a spare 200k in cash laying around) but there was no other way. The day the contingency expired, I told him I was not extending. I finally came to my senses and hat I didn’t owe him a house. Holy rage ensued. We had mc that night and he raged and abused me for 45 min, to the point the counselor called me and him the next day and apologized for not stopping it sooner.
Yep. He was trying to set up a place for him, slut puppet and his mom. This is 6 months into our marriage. What a sweetheart. She sure ended up with a winner. (ps it took me another 6 months of torture and abuse to file).
There are horrible monsters masquerading out there. Please know,Blooming, that you are not making a mistake. He is not confused. He is an ass who will hurt you without a thought about your feelings (or maybe even do it deliberately).

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

Well, that’s a red flag, for sure.

Louisvilleflower
Louisvilleflower
7 years ago

Blooming, you will read a lot of comments today. Some will be from women like me who had multiple D Days, tried for years to make that spackle work, and even now, when we look at our kids or have too many glasses of wine, still have a twinge of doubt.
Some people will tell you that you are lucky: because you caught it early, you aren’t married, he hasn’t robbed you. It is hard to feel lucky when your heart is shattered.
Some people – CN is chock full of them – will say exactly the right things that you know you need to hear. Things that will resonate with you as much as their truth hurts you. You will recognize them and know that they are exactly what you need, if not in this moment, then in the future.
My advice is to gather the things that speak to you. Save them. Cut and paste, keep in photos or notes on your phone. And when you feel your doubt heavy upon you, reread them. Allow yourself to feel the truths that bring you anger and sadness.
A friend of mine sent me a message during the low point of an attempt at reconciliation. I read it everyday for a long time. I still read it sometimes. It has more truth and love in it than me STBX ever showed me.
Peace will come.
Sending love and strength and peace out into the universe this morning, and hoping it finds you.

Blooming
Blooming
7 years ago

Louisvilleflower, thank you for the loving words. I really needed them.

ArmchairPsychology
ArmchairPsychology
7 years ago

So many of you have helped me take off the rose-colored spackle glasses. This is a great post.. I keep revisiting your comments in times of doubt.

Buddy
Buddy
7 years ago

Yes, a beautiful post.

When we read about this type of cheater, from experience, many CL readers can predict where this will go and just how much worse it will get.

But Blooming broke it off before these worse things could manifest, so good for her!

For those readers who were unlucky to experience even more horrible things, that doesn’t minimize the authentic pain and hurt Blooming is going through, but it does confirm and affirm her decision to break up with this person.

This situation screams for NC.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Buddy

Indeed.

EyesOpenNow
EyesOpenNow
7 years ago

Love your advice, Louisvilleflower. Spot on.

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago

+1000. Louisvilleflower, beautiful post. Your elegant, compassionate, spare prose has more kindness in it — to borrow your telling comparison — than my (and I think every other chump’s) partner has ever shown me, his gaslit apology texts included. Your post makes my eyes fill with tears. Thank you.

Indomitable
Indomitable
7 years ago

Blooming
I am sorry that you were so badly betrayed. Trust your instincts which have guided you to save yourself by breaking up with this fuckwit. Your head knows that you need to get away from him if you are going to survive. Since you do not have children or income/assets together, he will move on to other victims if you block him from your life. You will need some time, distance and no contact before you feel stronger about your decision. I was really angry about being betrayed after 20 + years and I was just as angry with him for making me feel afraid. It took me awhile to identify that I was afraid (as well as grieving, hurt etc.) It is two years later and the fear left me some time ago. Be very kind to yourself and try to avoid beating yourself up for getting involved with him and staying involved with him. He was not “as advertised” and he played you for a chump. Smart girl to get those screen shots. Haul them out from time to time, as necessary, when you need reminding about why he is so unworthy of you. Surround yourself with trusted people who will support you.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Indomitable

Yes, getting the screen shots shows amazing presence of mind. Very smart. Very mighty. Try to talk your way out of those, cheater!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago

And those screenshots are Logic getting reading to fight back against the hobgoblins of fear and the unicorns of hope. Blooming’s Logic knew that the gaslighting would come and she would need proof.

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
7 years ago

Agreed never….and it’s also because somewhere in her mind, she knew she was being, and would be, gaslighted by him when she confronted him. This was me. When I discovered cheater’s cheating, I knew I needed concrete proof or he would deny, call me crazy, and tell me I was trying to create drama in our lives so I would doubt myself. I didn’t know what gaslighting was at the time but I had enough presence of mind to make sure I had proof.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

Yeah, me too. I didn’t know what gaslighting was either (even thou I watched the movie with my ex years ago!) until my neighbor told me he was gaslighting me. I had to look it up to know what she was talking about. And like you, I needed concrete evidence that he was up to no good. He gaslighted me for years, making me feel crazy for not trusting me gut and for twisting around the little evidence I would find. It wasn’t until I caught him red handed and he could no longer deny that he was out with another woman, that’s when the gig was up. The mask fell. I finally caught him and then I started telling everyone what was going on in our marriage. He didn’t like being exposed for the creep that he is, so that’s when it was time to divorce me and paint me as crazy to his ho-workers and family. Yeah, the wife is crazy and she drove me to cheat and pull away from her. Blah, blah, blah. All lies. Good riddance to these cheaters!

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Where are we on the “gaslight, gaslighting, gaslit;” problem?

Match Girl spent her days gaslighting me.
Match Girl was able to gaslight me with ease. Match Girl gaslit me with ease.

My spell-check just threw a rod over here.

Chumpedupchik
Chumpedupchik
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

The gaslighting is horrific and will definitely leave you feeling crazy and disoriented. That is INTENTIONAL. NC is the only thing that can truly allow most of us to see what we don’t want to see. It sucks beyond royally sucking. Stupid fucking cheater fuckwits.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumpedupchik

chumpedupchik & get out your seat and chump around – every time i read y’all’s names I start singing those songs in my head.

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Present tense, v.: gaslight

Past tense, v.: gaslighted, gaslit*

Present partciple: gaslighting

Past participle: gaslighted, gaslit*

Adjective: gaslit

* Both are acceptable. To my ear, “gaslighted” as past tense verb (she gaslighted) AND as past participle (he should not have gaslighted) is clearer and punchier.

http://www.dictionary.com/browse/gaslit

Editor Geek hijacked Claire.

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  ClaireS

Dammit, echo, I knew that was coming. Verrrry funny. You probably speak five languages or something. Tough call. I’d rewrite in the passive voice: “Wackadoo had been gaslighting her for years.”

echo
echo
7 years ago
Reply to  ClaireS

Would the pluperfect be: had gaslit?

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  echo

echo & claire,

Your tenses and parts of speech gave me paroxysms of pleasure!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

And NC means you could omit the Present Progressive: “She is gaslighting me.”

Let go
Let go
7 years ago

Think about him as a mirage in the desert. You see water, you are so thirsty, so you run toward it only to find it still way ahead. You begin to question your own good sense. You KNEW that damn water was there and now you have to walk more and more with it just out of your reach.

Since he lies so easily I would be suspicious of his business practices and check the books.

Tormented
Tormented
7 years ago
Reply to  Let go

Mirage in the desert — a great analogy, Let go.

Geode
Geode
7 years ago
Reply to  Tormented

Blooming: DON’T accept any claims of sex addiction and sex addiction therapy. You’ll get a “professional” mindfu–ing like you’ve never had before. Only to end up back at this place…Reality.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago

Blooming, I’m sorry this guy messed up your great life and self image! You are so much better off moving on. The destruction and devestation cheaters inflict on others increases over time. You will recover from this.

The grief, however, and fear can be overwhelming and seem insurmountable. You’ve read enough on here to know they are not. They are finite. It just doesn’t feel that way right now. NC helps Logic to free himself and become your main companion.

You invested and loved deeply. It takes a lot of strength to walk away. Now that you’ve taken that trash to the curb, don’t bring it back in to the house. CN us here for you! Hold fast and stay mighty.

JC
JC
7 years ago

Blooming, texts are hard evidence. Don’t ever doubt them or what they mean. They mean EXACTLY what you think they mean, and sometimes much worse that that.

I made that mistake. The ex would text her OM late at night, or even after dinner while I did the dishes. Frankly…any time she could get away from me, she was texting him. I never saw the worst of them, though she did confess to “extremely inappropriate” communications.

And yet I fought for my marriage for another 5 months after I first approached her about the texts. I believed her lies that nothing physical had happened; that it was all in my head; that she had to text him for work reasons; that I was being too restrictive and I clearly just was insecure and didn’t want her “texting any male coworker at all, ever.”

Gas lighting, manipulation, rage. The works.

What a bunch of horse shit.

I’m far away from that experience now, but the lesson I learned is that if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck…

Please do the same. You’ll save yourself further pain, and you’ll move on more quickly to whatever awesome next stage of life awaits you.

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

JC,

Let me finish your statement for you, “if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck…” “it’s a disordered fuckface whorefucking fucker” (as beautifully said by Ex-orcist).

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

And keep those text photos! As your anger wanes (many months out, possibly a year or more), it is helpful to read the ‘evidence’ to remember that he sucks and is not the person you thought he was.

Chumpedupchik
Chumpedupchik
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest is spot on! Keep your evidence, bc you might need to refer to it in order to stay NC for the long term.

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

And if you have them on your phone, not backed up to a cloud (which I don’t recommend), EMAIL them to yourself. The download them to your hard drive and back up your computer or laptop. I nearly lost crucial screenshots, when, for the first time, my eight-month-old phone’s backup software went berserk.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  ClaireS

Email them to 2 accounts, just to be safe. I took pictures of my X’s sexual harassment meeting notes on D-day. He then found my phone and deleted all pictures (not realizing I’d already sent them to myself). Should I hear X continues to be a sexual predator to students, the sexual harassment officer can see my photos of the 2nd affair he (the officer) didn’t know about.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Don’t forget the handy thumb-drives.
I took pictures of all the assets X stole and she kept the thumb-drive for me.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

For a long time, I read nearly every week Jackass’s message to me in response to a text reminding him that the storage unit for his stuff–that I paid for–would either need to be cleaned or transferred to his name. He sent back a brutally unkind message in return–on Valentine’s Day.

It helped me trust that he sucked.

ArmchairPsychology
ArmchairPsychology
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Adult expectations are the worst.

JC
JC
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Agreed, Tenpest!

I kept all evidence, plus every lying text and email that my wife sent me, until the divorce was final.

Re-reading, with my clearer hindsight vision, how she flat-out lied to me and manipulated me months earlier, helped me to keep powering through that divorce process.

Cheaters think their lies are erased after the fact, or will be forgotten (because they often forget the lies they’ve told, themselves). But people who value honesty and truth eventually see the lies for what they were, and see cheaters for who they are.

Sad Shelby
Sad Shelby
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

My STBX can’t even figure out what is the truth anymore! He has lied to himself so much he doesn’t even know what is real. It’s sad. I’m pretty sure he’s either having an early midlife crisis, had some sort of brain injury he can’t remember or he has a brain tumor. ??? Because he can’t even believe the situation he’s in himself and he knows how bad it is! Too bad it’s not so bad he can’t stop himself and fix his shit! He’s not a real unicorn but a jackass with an empty toilet paper tube duct taped to his forehead prancing around throwing rainbow colored glitter all over his pending new life with the whoremat! What a fucking joke!

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

My favorite post-confrontation Match Girl quote was, “you don’t own my vagina.”

ArmchairPsychology
ArmchairPsychology
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Holy hell… Sounds like a line from a poorly-written screenplay. Do all cheaters study theater acting?

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago

Yes. It’s in the cheater manual – Chapter 5.

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

[punches someone in the face] “You don’t own my fist.” Ownership is not free license for reckless abandon. Just ask the car insurance industry.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

? Free Vixen,

It’s word salad slam poetry, right?

Cheaters live with reckless abandon though, for sure!

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

+1

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  ClaireS

+100

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago

“He said there was no reason for me to be so insecure, that I was ‘better than that.’ ”

Me thinks he has used this phrase before and had a lot of success with it, it is well crafted manipulative bullshit used in a way to trick someone to continue to eat shit sandwiches. If he were a great guy, one of the women he had used this on in the past would still be at his side, but they ran…as should you.

“He seemed irate about having to explain himself.”

That speaks volumes of his narc expectations. Run run run like your hair is on fire.

BetterDays
BetterDays
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

+1

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

‘Not a team player, because you didn’t want to have sex with him and his ex-wife at the same time?!!’

This has to go in the crazy-hall-of-fame, if we have one here.

Kiwichump
Kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

Menage a trois, not a threesome. Basically meant he wanted to have 2 women, one for sex and fun and me as scullery maid and baby sitter for their son, plus all the other stuff I did for his 3 sons with his first wife.
Yep, and he’s a sad sausage cos I emasculated him by not keeping a nice garden which he could show off to the friends he’s never had, and I am the baddie in his mind and he is suing me for half of what I brought into the relationship and we were not married. Thanks NZ law! He also said I was trying to poison him! Says he gave the best years of his working life to our business. This is a guy who dropped out of a PhD that was 85% finished 3 years before we met. Clearly I have ruined his professional life too…

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Kiwichump

Wow, Kiwichump–you were so mean to your X! kept him from Great Things (like having a sex slave and a housekeeper at the same time). What a loon.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Yeah, the only time my ex would become irate or “rage” was when I confronted him about his double life that he always denied having. He’d become defensive and tell me that there was nothing going on behind my back. The fact that he was always cool as a cucumber and then acted totally out of character when confronted should have been a big red flag to me, but it wasn’t. I just believed the lies even though my gut kept telling me otherwise. Yep, them getting irate speaks volumes for their narc expectations and entitlement! I’m entitled to have as many “friends” as I want! You are not the boss of me! Even though we are married, I’m entitled to flirt and go out with as many women as I want! It’s a “part of my DNA!” Yes, my ex actually said to me it was in his DNA that he needed to have extremely close female “friends.” But then in another conversation he said he didn’t even realize they were females. “They are all sexless to me. I can’t tell whether my friends are male or females when I’m friends with them.” Yes, he actually said this to me. You can’t make this shit up, it’s so stupid! So, I said, “So you send flirtatious emails to your guy friends too since you can’t differentiate between male and female?” His response back to me. BLANK STARE. Assbrain!

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Martha – “Yeah, the only time my ex would become irate or “rage” was when I confronted him about his double life that he always denied having.”

Of course he’s going to rage about it. He is putting you in your place, and that is to shut up and not question his behavior. And by denying it, means he is telling you he didn’t do anything wrong, which means, he will do it again. Meaning cheat and deny it all over again. He was training you to not question him. And he got angry? Puleez, you should have gone nuclear because of his unacceptable behavior.

Chumpedupchik
Chumpedupchik
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Kella!! OMG! Exactly what you wrote. They teach/train us not to question them. Mine was really good at the pre-emptive strikes, so I didn’t even think I needed to ask questions. Fucking cheating lying self-righteous asshole. And yes, we should’ve been pissed as all hell, but then the excuses and so-called lame ass “explanations” and the raging etc. They are horrible people

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Kellia, I never realized he was training me. Wow. Thanks for the clarity about it. He has rewritten history and now says I had “trust issues” since we first got married. Untrue. I never brought up anything about his “female friends” until after my 40th birthday. The birthday that I thought he’d do something nice for me. Buy me some flowers or a nice present. I got nada! Well, I did get a card that he went out that day and bought. So, we were married for 12 years before I said anything about his female college “friend” that he made it a point to go out for lunch every year for their birthdays (they share the same birthday.) His birthday was special. His female college friends birthday was special. But my birthday was not. So, I started speaking up and telling him that it hurt me. And then I started to see the pattern that there were always lots of female “friends.” And then I started seeing evidence to flirting via emails. And then I really woke-up and realized that he lies a lot. And not just about women, but about a lot of stuff. Stuff that a normal person wouldn’t even lie about. And the last few years of our marriage, I started just giving up and not bringing things up, because he’s get defensive and it was like, “why bother.” So, yeah. You are right. He was training me to keep my mouth shut. Well, I’ve untrained myself. I’ve ripped into him so many times after D-Day. I’ve let it all out and he knows exactly what I think of him and he knows that I’m onto him and his double life and what a fake and phony he is.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

“He was training me to keep my mouth shut. Well, I’ve untrained myself. I’ve ripped into him so many times after D-Day. I’ve let it all out and he knows exactly what I think of him”. Same happened to me Martha, 9 years of training to keep my mouth shut, bite my tongue to avoid triggering the anger, avoid him taking the rage out on the pets and livestock, avoid the sulking in the lazyboy, the nasty looks when I dared walked through the kitchen diner where he dozed for hours on the lazyboy and I couldn’t get on with the housework, his son couldn’t walk through from his bedroom to the lounge to play as he wanted. After DD when I started ripping into him, he made me out to be a screaming monster who had terrorised him all these years. What did I say that was so bad? “You think you’re a good guy? You’re not!!!” Projection anyone? I untrained myself and spoke out and told the family what he and the whore had been doing, but I am also being made to pay for it. He’s out to destroy my business, force me to sell, because I dared to speak the truth.

Unicornnomore, OtherCat, for my 50th birthday, I said for months all I wanted was the second hand vanity I had bought 3 years prior finally fitted the bathroom to replace the cracked one that had been there for 6 years. Didn’t get it. All I got was a bottle of cream (as in fresh cream,,,) and NO card. He knew his entire family was going to stay with us for a family gathering in a few months and I wanted the house to look ok. So he waited until 3 weeks after the family left to fit the vanity, 7 months after my 50th birthday, and the day after he had spent Xmas Day with the ex wife and her family, supposedly for the sake of their son. How’s that for a fuck you! 5 days later he told me he wanted a menage a trois with his ex wife because I was asexual (bullshit by the way). When I refused he called me a bitch and not a team player. I am certain the affair had been going on the entire duration of our relationship now.

BetterDays
BetterDays
7 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

“5 days later he told me he wanted a menage a trois with his ex wife because I was asexual (bullshit by the way). When I refused he called me a bitch and not a team player.”

That seriously needs to go in the Stupid Shit Cheaters Say Hall of Fame.

“You won’t have a menage with me? See, you’re not a team player!”

Kiwichump
Kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

The menage a trois he wanted was him having sex with his ‘ex’ while I stayed at home looking after the farm and their kid because I was asexual… And the MC we saw a few weeks later said sometimes ‘outsourcing a bit of sex’ can help a marriage. I also endured lectures from the whore’s grandma about how they just had to be friends. Now the traitor lives in the grandma’s house pretending he didn’t dump me for the ex, which is exactly what he did to his first wife. He was boarding at the grandma’s house and hooked up with the grand daughter while his wife was pregnant. He managed to hide all this until last year. Now I’ve pieced it all together, I must be destroyed.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Kiwichump

Hooked up with the granddaughter?

If anyone had any illusions that cheaters are ‘normal’ and just like a bit on the side, this and the “Sick Cheaters” post from 8/31/16 should obliterate that fantasy.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

Not a team player, because you didn’t want to have sex with him and his ex-wife at the same time?!! Who the heck are these people?!!!!!

LOL Tempest and AllOutofKibble. 🙂

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

“When I refused he called me a bitch and not a team player.”

He is a cry baby. You should have told him you’re a total team player, in fact, you encourage him to get reamed up the ass by the entire local football team. Oh wait, he doesn’t want to do that, then he’s so not the team player, lol!

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

WTF? Was he having jerseys printed?

BetterDays
BetterDays
7 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

Tempest – LOLOLOLOL.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

Let’s hope he’s now playing individual sports.

Other Kat
Other Kat
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Yes, it is a form of training, and I fell into exactly the same pattern! And in keeping with the playbook (once again I had to double-check that I wasn’t reading one of my own comments), my 40th birthday was also a major trigger that showed me in a big way how little value I truly was to him. Unfortunately, it took another 10 years to untrain myself, but now I’ve gone totally free-range on his ass!

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Other Kat

Other Kat, boy we sure has the same timing (40th birthday devalue) and then another eight years for me (he cheated on me a few months after my 38th bday.) I never realized I was being trained not to ask questions by his reaction. I never liked fighting, so it was tough to bring stuff up. Lots of stuff I just swept under the rug. When I walked in on him masturbating before church. Yeah, super chump would get up early and get the kids going with breakfast and getting dressed, plus get myself ready. ExH just couldn’t resist the alone time in the bedroom with himself and is other brain. Didn’t matter that we had sex the night before. Gotta give into those urges instead of helping the wife with the kids. Jerk-off jerk!

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Same time frame…was about 39 when shit started hitting fan, 40th bday devalue and 7 years of hell before he died. I was SO TRUSTING and never ever one to accuse or be suspicious…I believed every excuse like it was gospel truth. He probs cheated for YEARS.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Martha, they ALWAYS re-write history. Pick one of the following (or all of the following). Doesn’t mean their memory of history is correct, only that they have to justify their crappy behavior somehow. [Number UNO predictor of a cheater? Blameshifting.]

a–“Marital problems made me pork my co-worker/kid’s tennis coach/neighbor/cousin.”
b–“My unhappiness over your fault/s (fill in X and Y–e.g., trust issues) led to unhappiness that left me open to the sexual possibility of my co-worker/kid’s tennis coach/neighbor/cousin.”
c-“You paid more attention to the kids/your job/presoaking the laundry/stamp collecting hobby/buffing the silver to a high polish than you did to me, which led me to be open to the sexual possibility of my co-worker/kid’s tennis coach/neighbor/cousin.”

blah blah blah

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Yep, Tempest. I’m “b”. He hadn’t been happy in ten years “but he just didn’t know it” until now. He was unhappy because I didn’t trust him 100%. It’s not my fault that I didn’t trust him 100%. He’s the one who sees women behind my back. He’s the one who had some type of affair when I was pregnant with our second child. He’s the one who wrote flirtatious emails and messages on Facebook to women. He’s the one who went to Canada at least 10 times and got 100% naked lap dances. He did all that! Not me! He doesn’t deserve to be trusted 100%. He never deserved to be trusted at all, but I trusted him a lot more than he deserved. I trusted him so much that I never thought twice when he had to go out for “work dinners.” I trusted him so much that I never questioned him or had an suspicion when he texted me around 11:00pm and apologized for it being so late, but that he felt he “needed to be here.” Needed to be here wasn’t at a work function, but out with his newly divorced slut for a drinks and spending time in the car until almost 1:30am. He should never be trusted BY ANYONE ever again, but his harem thinks he’s God’s gift to women, so he’ll make another woman a chump again.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

He got a gift of Chinese tea with rosebuds from Howorker “friend”…I told him the day one of his stinky Marine Corp buddies bought him tea and rosebuds, that would be the day it was an appropriate gift from the “friend”.

Him virtually ignoring my 40th birthday was a huge red flag. His affair went into overdrive about that time.

When I was turning 50, my then boyfriend (now husband) took me on a yacht cruise (with a chef) in the Aegean Sea with a side trip to shop in Istanbul.

I am the poster child for “Life gets Better”

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

@unicornomore give me hope too.
Her recovery gave me the confidence to move forward with PTSD guy. Glad I didn’t miss out on that. My first birthday post Narkles the Clown was lovely. Nothing like the Aegean Sea but compared to being forgotten and looked down on it was remarkable and brought me to tears. It gets better, soon much better. Even without PTSD guy, once I had a signed decree and mastered No Contact it improved by leaps and bounds.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

You give me hope, unicornomore! What an awesome new hubby you have!! 🙂 For my 20 anniversary of moving to NY, my ex did the most wonderful thing. He planned a secret get-away to NYC. Bought tickets to go see The Lion King. I was on cloud nine! I thought to myself, “he finally get it!” He wants to spend time with me. I felt so loved. Our sexual relations blossomed even more after that. But he truly didn’t get it. Not long term. Came back to a hubby who ignored me by working all the time. It was all a cruel joke. Sometimes it’s just so hard to accept it was all a big act.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Those moments where they act like decent parents and devoted partners…I call them “Sparkly Spurts” oh golly they look and feel good but they don’t last. I found a letter he wrote me for an anniversary it was so full of promises, but the worst of his betrayals happened AFTER it.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Martha – when I turned 50 the ex threw me the most fabulous surprise party. (prior to that, he never celebrated my b’day much – unlike his Halloween b’day when I always threw him a huge bash complete with homemade 4 layer GC cake – oh he loved his cake) He invited my entire family to come (from another country) – 50 of them, and a bunch of friends and I was so freaking surprised I almost fainted when I walked in the restaurant. That made up for many birthdays and he was a hero to all my family for planning it. Of course, I thought he was a hero too! It took him 1 full year to plan it and, since I worked next to him every day, I had a difficult time understanding how he could possibly pull that off without me knowing! We were together all the time. I read all his work emails as part of my job. Everybody had been instructed to never write him or call him about the plans. One sister and he planned it so, she must have done all that for him.
My nagging thought at the end of the day, as I was scratching my head about his keeping his secret from me for so long, was how easy it would be for him to have an affair. I even told my sister that I’d probably never find out if he did. I felt horrible for thinking that!

And, yup – that’s pretty much what happened. He was a genius for hiding big secrets. (including a lot of money)

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

This is exactly what kept me staying for so long. Those pockets of lovebombing to keep you believing that was the real him and allowed you to forgive the rotten things. It wasn’t until I set up boundaries of what was not acceptable and made him chose that the mask finally fell. What I see now in my STBX makes my skin crawl.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

“Well, I’ve untrained myself. I’ve ripped into him so many times after D-Day. I’ve let it all out and he knows exactly what I think of him and he knows that I’m onto him and his double life and what a fake and phony he is.”

Good for you Martha!! That is great. The best thing you can do is speak up and state your opinion. And if he gets angry, so what. Let him get angry and just laugh at his face. Who cares what he thinks, so what. Like he cared about your feelings and thoughts all those years you were married.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Thanks, Kellia. 🙂 You’re right. He didn’t care one bit that he was hurting me. He said to our pastor and I, “I didn’t tell you that whole truth about my female friends, because I didn’t want to hurt you.” Believe it or not, but the pastor agreed with him. I hope the pastor gets cheated and lied to some day so he knows what this feels like and then maybe he wouldn’t side with the lying cheater! My ex didn’t tell me the whole truth, because he’s an entitled prick who thinks it’s okay to go out with women when he’s married. He wanted to do what he wanted to do and if he needed to lie in order to do it, he did! End of story!!

Sad Shelby
Sad Shelby
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

The best way to not hurt your wife is KEEP YOUR DICK TO YOURSELF! ? Problem solved!

ArmchairPsychology
ArmchairPsychology
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

” I hope the pastor gets cheated and lied to some day so he knows what this feels like and then maybe he wouldn’t side with the lying cheater!”

If a pastor is defending this, he’s probably got secrets of his own

FoolMeOnce
FoolMeOnce
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

My X said the same crap: “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to hurt you.” But that’s just selfish if you really think about it. He wants to be a nice guy that everyone likes, someone who doesn’t hurt his wife. So if he lies, then he is that guy. I told my cheater that his math was all wrong. He hurt me WORSE by lying, and now he looks like an asshole for cheating, lying, and continuing the cycle because he thinks he’s entitled.

If you don’t want to hurt someone, just don’t be an asshole. It’s really quite easy.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  FoolMeOnce

Boom! Drop the mike martha you got this! My thoughts exactly.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

Boom to fool me once. Drop your mike too! Perfectly said!

Wren
Wren
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Yeah, mine also “treats his female friends just like he does his male friends.” He doesn’t discriminate with the adolescent jokes.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

That’s a real winner. I Can’t even tell if they’re males or females? Suuuuurrrre.
Sounds just like something my cheater would say! Cause, you know, they’re more evolved than us!

Martha
Martha
7 years ago

You did the right thing, Blooming. The fact that you are not your “best self” when you are with him speaks volumes about how bad he is for you. A good relationship will make grow and blossom. A bad relationship will make you shrivel up and die inside.

My now ex-husband did something similar to what your ex-boyfriend did. He pursued me and convinced me to move 600+ miles away from my family. We had a long distance relationship and he wrote me tons and tons of romantic and loving letters (this was 25 years ago, so this was before emailing.) So I moved to be closer to him, because I believed all his lies. Why wouldn’t I? I thought he was the perfect man and he came from a good “Christian” home. So after being here less than a year, I found letters from a “friend” who went into the Army and was stationed in England. She wrote to him, “If you come visit me in England, we can spend the whole night together and have sex.” I was devastated when I read the letters. And of course he did go visit her in England, but he took the trip with a guy friend. So after I moved her for him, he was writing love letters to this woman in England! I was too embarrassed to tell him that I invaded his privacy and read the letters, so being the super chump that I am, I believed him when he said there was nothing going on with her. He said he loved me, blah, blah, blah. So that was the start of the lies and seeing women behind my back. These jerks don’t change. They just get worse and the figure out new ways of hiding their double lives.

And the limp dick. My now ex-husbands dick was limp after he decided in his mind that he was going to divorce me (I didn’t know yet). He said that it was “confusing” to him to make love to me and that’s why he didn’t want to. He needed to “think.” No. He had already moved on, but didn’t tell me yet.

I just turned 50, too. I had the same thoughts as you. Will I be alone the rest of my life? Will anyone ever love me again? Yes, it is scary if I allow myself to think about those questions. What’s scarier to me now, is being with someone who disrespects me. Cheats on me. And lies to my face that they is nothing going on behind my back. The mental hell he put me thru for over 20 years is much than being alone. He made me feel crazy at times with all his mind games, gas lighting and lying. I really felt crazy at times when he’d lie and say he “never said that” or “that never happened” or when I read flirtatious emails to other women — “she’s just a friend and I wasn’t flirting.” The sadness and anger over all that. It makes me sad for myself that I put up with shit all those years.

Blooming, be thankful you didn’t marry this guy and have children with him. You did the right thing and got out. Stay no contact like CL said. He’s a loser just like all the other guys and women cheaters all of us at CN talk about. And stay with us here at CN. You are doing the right thing by coming here every day. CL and CN help save my life and I will be forever grateful to all my online friends here. 🙂 It will get better, Blooming. I’m not perfect yet, but I’m way better than when I found CL early this year. Hugs to you. 🙂

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Why does it seem like our stories are so similar? I turned 50 this year. I moved from Arizona to New York 26 years ago for him. He lied about every damn thing. He had a limp dick and is a disordered fuckface whorefucking fucker too. It’s so damn eerie.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago

Annie Get Your Guns, maybe we were married to the same guy and we just haven’t figured that out yet! haha 🙂 I moved her 25 years ago, so you got me beat by one year! My ex didn’t have a limp dick until after he decided he wanted to divorce me, but hadn’t told me yet. He was fine up until then. He once even pretended to orgasm when we were “working on our marriage” and I went to the bathroom afterwards and there was no “evidence” of that happening for him, if you know what I mean. Mine is a “disordered fuckface whorefucking fucker too!” I have never said the F word so many time since D-Day. lol Do you think you’ll move back to Arizona? I love Arizona. Beautiful state. I might move back to WI if my kids end up out of NY state. I guess we’ll see where the kids go and then I’ll go from there and stalk them. haha

GoodSexBeforeIDie
GoodSexBeforeIDie
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

BIG ((HUGS)) to you Martha. Your story is my story. It helps me to remind myself of how vulnerable I was when he picked me to love bomb. And yes I was naive – we all are until we encounter evil.

BTW I have a big box of his letters & cards love bombing me, just putting it out to CN as to the most fun/satisfying way to destroy them. Burning just doesn’t seem satisfying enough! Any suggestions? Thanks you gorgeous people!

Martha
Martha
7 years ago

GoodSexBeforeIDie, I like your name! lol 🙂 I just tossed the love bombing love letters (believe it or not, but one of the things my ex said to me during the love bombing/letter writing stage, “When we are old and gray we can take our letters out and read them to each other.” I thought that was so romantic and sweet. I thought he truly meant it.) anyhoo…..I tossed the letters into the recycling bin. So I have no good ideas. I did torch stuff from my wedding and reception on the grass in the backyard and that truly was beautiful! haha. Someone today mentioned that they sent the OW all the cards, letters and stuff and said to her, “I think these were meant for you.” Not sure if that is an option for you. Thank you for the hugs and big ((((HUGS)))) back to you!!

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago

GoodSexBeforeIDie, your box of love bomb papers?
• put them through a shredder while hollering obscenities, take a vacation to New York, head for Bushwick in Brooklyn, ask a local deli owner, preferably Italian, where the pigeon keepers are. Some will have cages with grates on the bottom. Hand over your stash to be deposited where it belongs. With pigeon shit. Then head for Manhattan and treat yourself to an indulgent night on the town
•Adhere them with wood glue onto a 2×4 (already cut into manageable pieces by the really cute guy at Home Depot), and ask AnnieGetYourGun to borrow her wood chipper while Tempest podcasts, WITH their editorial commentary, the whole thing.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  ClaireS

This is awesome!! Great ideas ClaireS!

GoodSexBeforeIDie
GoodSexBeforeIDie
7 years ago
Reply to  ClaireS

These are brilliant! You’ve made my (very long) day!!

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago

Martha – great post.

‘I just turned 50, too. I had the same thoughts as you.’

I find many women here feel old at whatever decade you’ve become.
I think if I had divorced at 30, I would have felt very old.
40, certainly!
50 – omg, it better never happen
….and, for the record….between 50 & 60 goes about that >SNAP< fast.

I just turned 60 and I'm sure there is a lot of people turning 70 with the same experiences of being dumped.
However, it was a little tough, but nothing like turning 40.
At this age, we're grateful to be alive and in good health.

Anyway, when you say 50, 40, 30….it is all in the head. Because, all your peer group are the same age!
I don't feel 60 at all – just a number. But, fuck, it was one hell of a big number when you wake up single!!

I like to surround myself with older folks so I feel younger ::Halo Head::. Like, way older, 80's who need help. Only women.
Those old men are really dirty – at least the ones I've met if they make it to that age.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

Yeah, I agree it’s just a number. I still feel like young me, but the body doesn’t all the time. lol. And I have also heard that old men are really dirty. Eeeeew. Like why don’t these guys ever stop being pervs??!!

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago

Good Morning Blooming,
Do you know what jumped out at me from your letter in screaming headline type?

” A guy I was once intimate with came back into my life * because he wanted me to help him with his business.*”

That put my hackles up. It fits the Cluster B/Narcisstic/Sociopath model. You served a purpose to him. This was not the love of the ages…..he sees you in the market, asks for your number, dating bliss ensues…kismet. He needed something from you. He realized two things a) he would get a lot more help if you are in love and b) You are an attractive desirable woman that he can have sex with….WIN/WIN.

I am not being cynical. Based on my own life, my therapy, and reading voraciously, I think these Freaks are:

ENTIRELY TRANSACTIONAL.

They size up people and their situations in a calculating and cool manner. Then, without mercy…extract the resources they want. Kibble.

No one can tangle with a Narc and find happiness. Even CL would not tangle with a Narc, and she could run circles around them intellectually. It is rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic. Because, they don’t love back. Even if you built the Taj Mahal as a alter for your love, they would be planning your devalue and discard….at some point. You just speeded things up when you confronted him about his cheating and lying.

I can’t improve on the brilliant response CL gave you. Just know that GRIEF has tripped me up as well. I would miss my X so much that it tricked me…reasoning that my yawning Grand Canyon of sadness MEANT something.

It does mean something: You are human. You loved. We bond normally. He does not. It is a death. Grieve it as a real death. As Hootie and the Blowfish sang, “Let her cry”.

Cry, wail, grieve, shake your fist at the sky, eat decadent treats, curl up in bed with a trashy novel…but do not contact him.

No contact will get you there. You must be fanatical about No Contact, because you will not get better until his poisonous gas clear from your brain. It will lie to you, trick you and make you believe he is capable of being a decent human. He is not.

Blooming, when I went hardcore No Contact ( no social media researching, no mooning over the past…. no woulda coulda shoulda) is when my recovery got solid under my feet. Not me walking around like a zombie, wishing this Mutant would email me.

With 110% certainty, you have done the right thing by breaking up with him. 50 is young! And there are people out there who are not pods with no souls. People who love back. People who don’t sext with the neighbor and then shame YOU.

Think of CL’s image…Logic is calling out to you, down in the field, to keep you on the path to freedom and sanity. Follow her voice. I am sending you good vibes and I hope your pain starts to ease.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

So right, Sylvia is Sad. Everything is transactional for manipulators–how much are you worth to them, and how much effort will you be? That’s why they target chumps–worth a lot, not much effort.

But for people honed in on ‘transaction,’ they sure do fail at cost/benefit analysis. Raise your hand if your cheater thought you’d never leave them.

hand

(not really me)

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

The X tried to push me out of the house and even found a house for me to move into in an ugly part of town to move me to.
Yeah, I was shocked – I was just bluffing because he’d been so mean.
He actually thought he could just move his fuck into the home we built from scratch and I’d just be out of the picture.
So, no, I can’t raise my hand on this one, unfortunately.
But, I did surprise him by pulling the plug one day and I do think it blindsided him since he had his future life all planned out with the whore in my house. It sure never worked that way for him. So, maybe I’ll raise my hand after all. I played all my cards right as I found C/L right away. I was one of the the lucky ones. And, I lived in the house another 2 yrs until it sold and he still lives in a trailer down by the river.

hopiumrecovery
hopiumrecovery
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Yep. He didn’t want a divorce. He just needed indefinite time away from me while his mom lives with me, I paid for the car he drive, insurance and any other needs he might have. When I insisted on divorce by filing, serving, etc. he said he didn’t want a divorce but if I insisted he just needed me to pay off the car he drove ($29k) and give him enough cash to buy a house ($200k). All after one year of marriage in which he spent basically the entire time with slut puppet or abusing me. When I said that wasn’t happening, he offered that if I just gave him money to buy a house (for him and his mom, because he is NOT WIH SLUT PUPpET) he would make car payments to me. Uh, no. Ok, i should buy a house and he would pay me rent and the car payment. Hell no. He settled for $10k which was basically his attorney fees. It was $10k more than he would’ve gotten in court. (If marital debts are greater than marital assets, you have to split the debts, jerk). I was his meal ticket out of debt. Too bad it didn’t work out for him and I got the $20k back from the IRS that was taken out of my return after we married…..he didn’t know about injured spouse forms.

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I’m actually not raising my hand, but my boot. I didn’t leave him. I kicked the fucker out!

GoodSexBeforeIDie
GoodSexBeforeIDie
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Hand raised here! My ex thought I’d never leave him, and then thought I’d let him come back later once he decided ‘s what he wanted.
And now he’s PISSED that I didn’t want him any more. SO angry!
When our kids started refusing to see him, he said it had never crossed his mind that they might do that one day – this despite the example of his two half-sisters, one of whom hasn’t spoken to their mutual father in a decade, and the other of whom hasn’t spoken to her father (ex’s long-time stepfather) in even longer.
They believe everything will always go the way they want it to go, and find us very annoying when we don’t cooperate with that. Entitled, and STUPID.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Yes, entitled and stupid. He thought I’d just drop into line and listen to whatever he wanted to do with the divorce. Hell, no! He controlled my life and the life of our family with his precious job and ho-workers for 20 years. He lost all control over me when he rattled off the name of three women who he “gave up” for me during our marriage. In my mind and heart we were divorced at that very moment.

Chump Mama
Chump Mama
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Yes! The anger!!! That’s what surprises me the most in all this. I feel like shouting, “What the heck did I do? You’re the one who cheated for many, many years, lied, gaslighted, blame shifted, etc. All I did was say I’m done taking this abuse.” I think the anger is almost the most glaring sign of their entitlement. Not only should they be allowed to do whatever they want, but we should all be thankful to be included in their twisted sense of reality, and if we’re not, we become enemy number one. The injustice of that attitude is probably the hardest part of all this for me. I just can’t let myself try to untangle it all because I will get lost in all those knots.

Tflan386
Tflan386
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

+1 – Entitled and so very, very stupid.

kb
kb
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Sylvia–This is what leaped out at me, too. This guy shows up because he wants to get involved in your business, and then he starts being intimate. The whole relationship sounds so manipulatve, and you nailed it as a “Transaction.”

Blooming, your body–your entire psyche–has been trying to tell you that this man is no good. In two years, you’ve become the opposite of who you truly are. If this were the right man, you’d be blossoming. A good relationship makes both people better for it.

But right now you’re going to hurt because of all those emotions and all those fears. The bad news is that it’s going to hurt like a mofo. The good news is that the pain is finite.

If you start by healing yourself, the rest of your life will fall into place again.

You weren’t married to the man. Good. Now, if it’s possible, disentangle him from your business. You may need a lawyer for this, but if he’s been lying to business contacts, then he’s such a liability that you can’t afford not to get rid of him.

Then go No Contact. This is a godsend, and it gets easier as time goes by. My CheaterX blocked me from social media long before I filed for divorce (he didn’t want me to see that Schmoopie was posting on his Facebook page). Schmoopie had blocked me, but then unblocked me. I blocked her after the divorce, and unblocked her only when they got married. I blocked her again.

Every once in a while, I think about unblocking her, but there’s no real reason to do so. That part of my life is in the past.

In the meantime, I’m starting to get more done at work. I’m starting to regain some of the drive I lost while married to CheaterX. I also am beginning to relax. I have been seeking social situations so that I can start making friends.

I think you’ll go through a similar journey. As you start to fill your life with activities you enjoy, you’ll start to feel your old self. Once you’re there, you’ll be ready to rejoin the dating pool, if that’s what you want.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

EXCELLENT response to Blooming, Sylvia is Sad! You are spot on!! That line from her letter, ” A guy I was once intimate with came back into my life * because he wanted me to help him with his business.*” screamed at me, too. I’ve been reading and watching all I can about N’s and the personality disordered for almost two years. You totally nailed it about how they come around, because people serve a purpose to them.

I believe my ex is a N and quite possibly a Sociopath. He’s a predator. He keeps track of FEMALE ex-coworkers birthdays. And when their birthday rolls around, he sends out the ever so innocent Happy Birthday email. Checking to see if a former source of supply is available to offer him some kibbles. Checking to see if they are available for a coffee date. Or a long lunch date. Well, lo and behold! He sent out his Happy Birthday to one of his sources of supply. I saw the email. Lots of flirtatious comments to her. Then he met her out for their secret coffee before work date that he’d been doing with her for nine years. And then he found out at their coffee date that she was getting a divorce. Yay for him! His supply was getting a divorce and now he can take the secret coffee date to the next level!! Yay!! Time to set up a late night drinks date and lie to the wife. Time to go out with the newly divorced supply!! Yay, him! Winning! And now he is off using another person for his never-ending need for admiration and for someone to tell him how great he is. Good riddance to the disordered cheaters!

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Martha – ‘He keeps track of FEMALE ex-coworkers birthdays. ‘

OMG, okay, I just fainted! Choked and fainted.
The X used to have every female b’day in his day-planner – I’m not remembering very many men, other than an uncle.
Many ladies he was selling to in different counties around the country and he’d call up and make them feel all special inside. Made sense.
He never forgot to call one of them. I just always thought that was so nice of him and part of his marketing strategy. But, it wasn’t just work, it was every woman friend we shared together, as well.

So – duh me. Just figuring that out….
………………………. Pig.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

Wow! See, they are predators. My ex keeps track of his female friends in his calendar planner too. Not the male friends of course. After I caught him out on the drinks date, I read the emails he sent her. First one in over a year was the Happy Birthday email. Lots of flirty comments to her about her being 39 (she was 50). How she was the most fun person he knew!!! To which she replied, “You need to get more fun in your life!!” Lots more flirts back and forth. This was the third time I caught him emailing a former female co-worker a birthday email. He accidentally left his gmail open and when I got on the computer, there it was, staring me in the face. A Happy Birthday email to a former ho-worker. Him telling her, “I miss you so much!” What kind of fucking married man says that to a former ho-worker? A predator! A cheater! I confronted him about that one and of course he had his usual lie/story. “Martha, don’t you miss people that you used to work with?” Ummmm, yes and no. Not enough to email a former male co-worker on his birthday and tell him I “miss him so much!!” And then another time I caught him messaging someone he went to GRADE SCHOOL with on Facebook. He proceeded to flirt with her too and even went as far to say, “I was thinking about you at work today. There! I said it!!” Nice, hey? And then on her birthday, he messaged her and said he “always thought about her every year on her birthday.” Did you see he hadn’t seen her since grade school and he was about 40 when he wrote this to her? And I asked him about this happy birthday message and he had another story about how she had some special birthdate that was easy to remember. What a scum bag! Years and years of my birthday basically being overlooked, but he had plenty of time to remember and wish ho-workers and childhood friends Happy Birthday. After D-Day he said that wishing Happy Birthday to former ho-workers was “networking.” He even went so far as to say he did that for “everyone.” Not true! Just the females. I know this for a fact as he failed to email a Happy Birthday wish to his best man and one of his groomsmen on their birthdays. That is the truth. It’s all about the women and him putting out the feelers to see if they are still available to supply him some attention. He’s a creep. They are all creeps!

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

OMG Martha. I really did puke a little in my mouth after reading this.
I can relate SO well.
All my husband’s clients who were women (married or not) were infatuated with him.
(yes, he WAS very good looking)
He has a beautiful voice, and once you met him, his beautiful face would make many women blush.
Paul Newman blue eyes and a very understanding ear to women with good listening and advice.
Oh, how I admired him for his ‘skills’!

But, that what his normal job was for over 35 yrs, and I knew these women clients liked him.
He targeted women for business and taught them all a lot about how bonds work.
He was a good teacher – I’ll give him that.
They made him a lot of money and they admired him for his teaching.

And, of course, the only traveling he would do is see ‘these clients’ of his on the other side of the country.
(you can’t be an Idol in your own land)

He wouldn’t take a plane ride anywhere with me unless it was work.
But, he couldn’t go away to Hawaii or Mexico to celebrate our 35th anniversary.
So, I just started driving a big ass truck and showed dogs without him.
Fucking asshole. Now that I see what he was up to with all those client kibbles.

I guess this post really triggered me and I’m really angry all over again.

BetterDays
BetterDays
7 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

I used to think it was great Cheese Fries had so many female friends (“He’s so in touch with his feminine side!”) but now, sad to say, that’s a potential red flag for me. He was such a “good friend” to listen to all these women’s relationship problems — but basically he was basking in the kibbles of them telling him what a wonderful guy he is … and he was laying the groundwork for turning those relationships into affairs. When I see him now at kids conferences and events — I admit I’m nosy enough to look over this shoulder — he’s always texting multiple women. And his FB page is full of women flirting with him and fawning all over what a great dad he is and what an awesome year this has been for him. Funny way to describe walking out on a twenty-two year marriage because you’re not having enough fun, but I’m sure they’ve fallen for his b.s. about how we’re just very different people and the marriage was dead for a long time.

When you think about it, it’s amazing how many women fall for that shit.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

BetterDays, my ex is the same way. Lots and lots of really close female friends over the years. I mean really close. I can only imagine the conversations he’s had with them. Yes, a lot of women fall for it. I’m sure on paper he looks like a great guy. He truly comes across as this really caring and “nice guy.” No doubt he painted a picture of our marriage being dead or whatever. As far as I knew, it wasn’t. I thought we had a pretty happy marriage. Not perfect, but I thought we had a pretty good thing going. It was all a sham. These women can have him! He did not treat me well at all. He only once shoved me and that was before we were ever engaged (a red flag that I failed to notice.) But he was emotionally abusive. I didn’t know it until I was out of it. All the signs were there, but I didn’t know it was abuse. He’ll move on to another chump who will take care of him as he’s incapable of being alone and taking care of himself. And he will treat her the same way. He’s been a liar and a cheater from the beginning. Ever before we got engaged, he was lying and cheating on me. This assholes do not change.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

I can’t believe how FUCKING STUPID I FEEL!

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

You are not stupid, Shechump!! Don’t say that about yourself. You trusted him. It somewhat makes sense what he was doing if he was into sales, but now after cheated on, everything looks different now. My red flags were flying after I saw the first gmail. I knew what he did was wrong even though he had a excuse (lie) for it. It wasn’t until I caught him the third time, I realized the pattern. This man had to work ever single fucking night until almost 11:00. He worked every Saturday until 6 or 7pm. He for years worked every Sunday, but stopped that maybe five or so years ago. Gosh, if he would have actually been working at work instead of sending out Happy Birthday emails to all the women he worked with and went to school with, maybe he wouldn’t have had to work at home each night. But what fun would that have been fun the fucktard! Also, when he first started working at his current job, we went to a work summer party. One of the guys in upper management like my ex came up to me and my ex This guy was a “funny guy.” His first comment to me was that my now ex “spent most of his day walking around the company/plant talking with all the women.” He said it jokingly. I was like “haha?” My ex got his usual half laugh half smug face. This guy was not joking! He was telling me the truth! If ex would have worked more at work, maybe he wouldn’t have had to work so much at home. But once again. What fun would that have been for the disordered predator who needs constant female attention and admiration. He is an empty, empty man.

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

Don’t feel that way. I’ll be moving along when something will trigger a memory and I will have an epiphany. I’ll stop and usually shout, “Son of a bitch!” It can be quite embarrassing sometimes.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

Gotta change the radio station.
That just threw me back about 35 yrs.

Done4Good
Done4Good
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

“No contact will get you there. You must be fanatical about No Contact”

The only way I was able to detox from my poisonous relationship was limiting contact with him. Because we’re co-parenting, I can’t go no contact, otherwise I would simply go dark completely and move far away from him. Of that I’m now certain.

That analogy of the frog in the boiling water? That was me. It took years of him slowly upping the ante of his emotional abuse and him testing his limits with me. It wasn’t until after I broke off most of my contact with him that I was able to step back and understand that I had been emotionally abused for years. I consider myself a strong person, able to accomplish many things. I would have never believed myself to be a victim, much less a willing victim. Now I need to analyze what about myself allowed this to happen and make sure it never does again. 15 years is a long time to give to someone without a soul. Many others have given so much more.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Done4Good

Man, between the poor frog in boiling water and the frog at the bottom of the river who died of a scorpion bite, it’s pretty shitty to be a frog.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

? ? ? ? ?

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito
Martha
Martha
7 years ago

Awwww, Kermit. What a cutie.

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago

Our new Chump theme song.

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago

Bravo! But I like the Annie Song, too …. the one that ends with badaboom. Or something like that. Gotta admit, though, Kermit is irresistibly adorable.

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

…. not if you’re the frog waiting to be kissed by someone who knows what they’re doing, literally and figuratively, and you get to kiss her back, shorn of your froggy disguise.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Ian – cracking me up, as usual.
I guess it’s much funner to be the scorpion or the crow, or whichever animal dropped his lunch down to the critter below.

Chumps = Frogs? I think so. Some of us realize it far too late.

I’m more of a scorpion these days the way I look at people.
If they aren’t honest when they open their traps, I’d just like to bite them.
And, for the record, I’ve verbally bit anybody who is a creep and proves it by opening their mouths – I didn’t used to do that before.
Out of control that way.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Done4Good

Me too, Done4Good. I never in a million years realized I was in an emotionally destructive relationship. I did not realize I was being abused. I’m with you. I’m analyzing why I got involved with him in the first place and why I didn’t run for the hills the first time he showed me who he was. That’s all on me. I don’t want to make this same mistake again. I need to “fix” myself and fix my picker.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Yes, NC = detox

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago

I think that’s my cue!
Soapbox please….

No Contact,
No Contact,
No Contact,
No Contact, is the path to the truth and the light.
It is the release from the mindfuckery you have been immersed in. Stay No Contact and the toxic ooze of blame shifting, obfuscation and lies will seep out of your brain and you will see everything much, much more clearly! There is no reason for you to ever speak with this individual again. Ever. He showed you who he really is. Now you get to believe it. Does it hurt like hell? Yes it does. Can it be embarrassing to discuss with people? Only at first. Then you realize he is the fuckwit, not you and you have nothing to be embarrassed about. Will you wake up one morning happy to be free of him? Heavens yes! I promised! But first you must embrace No Contact. Your heart will catch up with your head.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

I am a believer. Preach it, AOK.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Nice, AllOutofKibble! It’s the truth! I can’t be totally No Contact, because of the kids, but I’m feeling better since limiting email contact.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago

It is terribly painful to grieve hopes and dreams. My heart goes out to you. The illusion of who he seemed to be offering you is broken. You, naturally and reasonably, in your grief, are experiencing disbelief that this death of your hopes and dreams actually occurred.

Yet, even when disbelief is strong in us after a person’s death, we would never take the body of the deceased to dinner. Staying with him would be similar to that. The illusion of his honest loyalty to you has perished. The evidence is irrefutable. It hurts. A lot.

He tried to make the corpse look alive by suggesting that your ability to see what has happened is a shortcoming on. Your part. “You’re better than that.” But there is an elephant in this room, an no amount of clever marketing makes that untrue.

I feel for you very deeply. Hang in there.

Blooming
Blooming
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Amiisfree, you’re so right! I am grieving the illusion of his honest loyalty. Thank you for the analogy. I’ll visualize his living body as just a corpse. Empty.

Sasanka
Sasanka
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Yet, even when disbelief is strong in us after a person’s death, we would never take the body of the deceased to dinner. Staying with him would be similar to that.

Wow, Amiisfree, love this one. Thank you. That expresses it beyond any doubt ha! Anytime I want to call/text the disordered because I emotionally miss a body, anybody…..I remember he is a Corpse! Eww… it will jolt me to reality quite nicely…

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  Sasanka

🙂

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

(And typologies – phone typing stinks.)

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

I live for typos. And you coined (redefined) a new word: “typologies.”

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

🙂

Lastinline
Lastinline
7 years ago

Why are you second guessing your decision to break up?

Because you really wanted that relationship and you’re afraid that you might be wrong about him and that if you break up with him, you’ll be missing out on a great guy.

“Maybe he’s telling the truth! Maybe it really was nothing! Maybe he’s learned his lesson and will never do it again but I’ll never know if I dump him. What if I’m wrong and I’ve left a great relationship?!?”

It’s that hopium CL is always talking about. It’s your heart’s way of trying not to hurt so much or give up and feel the burn of realizing you’ve lost what turned out to be a fake image of love and potential. I think we’ve all felt at least some level of that kind of denial. It’s the normal reaction we feel to things that will hurt so much when we accept them. Just another attempt at pain avoidance and relief.

BetterDays
BetterDays
7 years ago
Reply to  Lastinline

Well said. I spent 10 years down that rabbit hole. He never became a great guy and he’s up to his old online tricks despite the new twu luv.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

I watched asswipe lose weight, tone up, manscape just ewww and dress better and wear colonge. Things i could never ever even encourage him to do so i knew something was up. However, after the relationship will whore juice was about a year old he slipped right back into his old ways. They never change unless they want to and his new tru wuv didnt get him off the cheating bondage sex dating sites it increased them. He added more accounts so tru wuv ah no. Only tru wuv he has is for his dick.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

Manscaping — gross! My ex once asked me if he should do that and I was like “no!!” I caught my ex doing push-ups behind a closed door in the bathroom. Why do you need to hide exercising? Hmmmm. He said, “Martha, I’m doing it for you.” Yeah, right, cheater. Normal people don’t hide exercising. Normal people don’t do push-ups in a tiny bathroom.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

For more manscaping and anus bleaching go to the forums and look for @shechump’s post. Pro tip: only cheaters are fanatical about body hair (ask me how I know).

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Yeah, what is it with the cheaters and body hair. My X started shaving his chest hair, which I found off-putting (I had no desire to have sex with a pre-pubescent boy), and painful when there was stubble in between shaves.

My pleas to stop shaving his chest fell on deaf ears. I guess Ashley Madison profiles require no chest hair?

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Okay, wrong location. Then again, with this discussion I’m not sure there is a right location.

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Bravo! But I like the Annie Song, too …. the one that ends with badaboom. Or something like that. Gotta admit, though, Kermit is irresistibly adorable.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Ian – ‘For more manscaping and anus bleaching go to the forums and look for @shechump’s post.’

For the record, I did NOT ‘get’ anus bleaching from all that talk, naive 60 yr old. I thought you were talking about hair up the anus which I didn’t even know I had any. Then, one morning I was laying in bed and thought about what you were really talking about when it comes to ‘bleaching’. It’s NOT about bleaching hair after all! It’s about bleaching your natural skin color ‘down there’. To me, I was horrified because I didn’t know my skin looked that much darker there than it should be. I mean – what would give me reason to look back there? Maybe when I was 12. Bleaching sounds downright painful, abusive to your body, and down-right porn-filled!!

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago

” well, you know the fears of a single 50 year old woman”

You are afraid of being single. That’s a fear that everyone has at any age. And you have been single for your entire courtship with this guy, because he is not committed to this relationship. After all this time you’re with him, having sex with him, investing your heart, time and energy and he doesn’t say he loves you?! And rather than getting closer to you, he is behaving badly with your neighbor and has remained distant. You have been alone in this courtship the ENTIRE time. So you haven’t lost anything really.

“He doesn’t talk about our future or tell me he loves me; he flirts with other women in my presence and really doesn’t let anyone know we’re a couple.”

Wow, talk about screwing someone over. Why on earth would you put up with this shit? The guy is SO disrespectful towards you by flirting with other women in your presence and doesn’t even admit that you’re a couple. Losing something shitty isn’t really a loss at all, it’s a gain because you got rid of a losing investment that keeps draining your assets and keeps bleeding you dry. The point of getting into a relationship with someone is because they add value to your life, where they bring kindness, caring and love to your life. Your life improves because they are in it. This guy is offering you NOTHING, yet you want to be with him? Is this what we’re going for nowadays? Men who offer nothing and women want to be with them? How nice to be a man in this day and age… Best thing you did was break up with this useless piece of trash.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Amen, Kellia! Well said. 🙂

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Thanks Martha.

KB22
KB22
7 years ago

Just a thought but he sought you out and you are now joined in a business venture. How much heavy lifting does he do or is the success mainly due to you doing the heavy lifting?

Not Juliet
Not Juliet
7 years ago

CL used the perfect term for this guy: creep. Dump his creepy ass and never look back.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago

Blooming its better to be dafe and secure and happy all by yourself than put up with constant bs. I loved asswipe with every ounce of my being for thirty years. I watched my life implode in a short time span and im still recovering three years later but recovering i am. Maybe down the road a great guy will come along maybe not in the meantime untangle yourself from this asshole and waste no more of your time. You will be happier not dealing with all the crap. Hes not worth you.

Mag
Mag
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

Kar Marie:

30 years, 2 .5 years out for me. About a 6 week DD to move out.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  Mag

He wanted to give everything we worked for to his whore now she made plenty of money but spent every last cent spent two decades with bad credit. She couldnt be bothered fixing her credit so he figured hes give her my excellent credit and my house. On advice of lawyer i dug in my heels and said you want tjis house you buy it. I got it in the divorce. Three years later its coming to closing soon and i can go live my life. Yippee! So many obstacles got in tte way cause asswipe knew better than lawyers and way too cheap to pay for one. Ended up costing him thousands. Asshole. He knows everything. And the whore had two paralegal friends willing to handle the whole thing free of charge for them. No i would have used my own lawyer. Told him i put up my lawyer against your whores paralegals so see what happens. He backed down quick. Imagine that the whore wanted a say in the divorce. Fancy that. Told him i will meet with her and see how she wants to handle it. Not! Wish i had chump nation 30 years ago. But i have it now and soon no contact color km gone! He wants to stay great friends and visit date and fuck. With friends like that who needs enemies. Not gonna happen. What an asshole.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

“He wants to stay great friends and visit date and fuck.” Wow. He sure thinks a lot of himself to think you’d want this. Gross. My ex said in the “divorce letter” to me that he hoped we could remain friends. Yeah, right. Why in the world would I want to be friends with a known cheater and liar? Someone who put his work and ho-workers before family for 20 years! I’m not friends with people like that. Sorry, asshole.

Lola Granola