Dear Chump Lady, She’s pregnant by the Other Man

cupidDear Chump Lady,

Four weeks ago I found out my wife of 20 years was having an affair for the past year. She denied it at first, but I had a recording with clear cut evidence.

A day or so later I found out she’s pregnant to him also, 9 weeks !!

She is refusing to leave the joint home, saying that she’s staying until she gets somewhere sorted, but I know she’s not really looking.

She maintains that she doesn’t want to be with me and doesn’t love me anymore. The Other Man is 26, she’s 40. He is a local low life scumbag.

The atmosphere in the house is terrible, our 14 year old son doesn’t know which way is up, and she has no intention of taking him when she does finally go.

Please help. I can’t get her out my head or even really start to rebuild.

Andrew

Dear Andrew,

I’m sorry. That’s all kinds of fucked up. Of course you can’t get her out of your head or rebuild — she’s right there!

Chumps endure some awful burdens, but living with your pregnant, cheating wife, waddling around, going trimesters one through three in front of you, takes the biscuit. Is Mr. 26-Year-Old Scumbag going to her ultrasound appointments? Does he carry a robust health insurance policy? Is he staying up nights with his dogeared copy of “What To Expect When You’re Expecting”?

Yeah, didn’t think so. My guess is that Mr. 26 is not thrilled to be saddled with a pregnant 40-year-old fuckbuddy. And that it’s just sort of slowly dimming on your wife that this might, just perhaps, not be a love for the ages. So what’s a cheater to do? Same life strategy as before — play a chump.

Andrew, you’re that chump. My advice to you is don’t be.

This is a real legal pickle and you need some top notch legal advice. Please talk to a lawyer immediately. One reason your cheating wife may be living with you (with zero intentions of moving out, despite what she says) is that if you’re still married, you’ll be the presumed father of the child and on the hook for support. Is there any chance the child could be yours? Challenging paternity is a complicated business, and you need to get in front of this QUICK.

The other issue that makes your situation fraught is, what are you going to do? Throw a pregnant woman out on the street? In her “delicate condition”? The whole “pack their shit up and throw it on the lawn for the raccoons” advice, while satisfying, could really blow up on you here.

Honestly, I think the thing I would do is move myself and my son the hell away from her. (Again AFTER you talk to a lawyer. There could be legal ramifications here.) It’s totally unjust, but if she won’t look for an apartment, YOU do it. If you can’t afford an apartment, do you have family near? A good friend with a sofa? I don’t think your situation is sustainable if you value your sanity.

The other thing I’d want her to do is put that whole “I don’t love you” and “I’m carrying another man’s baby” shit on paper. Email her, text her, anything to document this in her own words. Of course there is DNA and paternity testing, but if you have to explain to a judge why you and your son walked out on your pregnant wife, there it is.

Next on the agenda — unchump yourself. Quit thinking in terms of what your wife wants, or when is your wife going to do this thing she promised to do. Take the driver’s seat and take your life back. What are YOU going to do? How are YOU going to respond?

With an immediate divorce summons, I hope!

When your head is there, about protecting your son from this fuckupedness, being the sane parent to him, and practicing self-care in the face of your wife’s betrayal, that is when you start rebuilding. You only get her out of your head when you go no contact. There’s no no contact when she’s ballooning before you, in your shared home. Change that situation, and your mind will follow. It takes time.

Meanwhile, to survive the day-to-day — practice as much no contact with her as possible. Get your son into some therapy, even if it’s the school counselor. And some therapy for you too.

Living with this cheater is FINITE. Navigate the waters the best you can with legal help. And move ahead into that new life. We’re here for support. ((Hugs))

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Owlychic
Owlychic
7 years ago

I don’t know where you Andrew live but in MO you cannot divorce someone who is pregnant. Regardless if it’s not yours. That could make the divorce process drag for you. Definitely agree you needs to speak to a lawyer. NOW!!! This whole situation sucks. Hang in there.

Mmmhmm
Mmmhmm
7 years ago
Reply to  Owlychic

I live in MO and I filed for divorce when I was 6 months pregnant. You can file, it just won’t be final until after the baby is born. My attorney told me I could go to court the day after the baby was born if i wanted. It was the most depressing time of my life and I was eager to put it behind me.

QueenMother
QueenMother
7 years ago
Reply to  Owlychic

If it’s in MO, or a state with laws like MO, he can get a separation, which is exactly like a divorce, but not a divorce. Then when baby is born, all that’s left to do is the paperwork.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

This separation idea crossed my mind room the lawyer will know, of course, but as a note, some health insurance policies cover legally separated spouses while others don’t. Maybe bring the plan booklet to your appointment or call ahead to find out.

Also, where I work, we have one of those employee assistance plans (EAP) and there is a bunch of stuff online about local basic laws along with an opportunity to consult with a lawyer anywhere in the US one time for one hour. That might be a place to start, just to get step one ideas. (These aren’t crack shot attorneys, so use them with that grain of salt in mind.)

Just some ideas that people don’t often consider.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Sometimes I swear autocorrect has gone insane. 🙂

Manchump
Manchump
7 years ago

Yep good advice chumplady , this was similar to my situation , Except I have 3 young kids and the ex got an abortion with the butchers baby! You have to seperate yourself from her dramas and focus on you . Think about your situation everyday and how you can make it better, and then you need to start living it to make it reality, your going to lose friends maybe even your job! But don’t worry your the only one who knows what’s going to make you happy. You will make new friends , and get a new life. Find your passions, and don’t worry about what anyone else might think of you . Unless they have been in your situation they won’t understand . Sitting around getting chumped gets yiou no where. Your the most important factor in this equation and then your son, then the dog if you have one. She can sort her own mess out.

LuckySeven
LuckySeven
7 years ago
Reply to  Manchump

I don’t like to say this, but a lot can happen in first trimester. I’m sorry for your situation and I know it hurts on every level — not just for you, but also for your son, and for your wife also.

Don’t pressure her for abortion, as that will stick, no matter what she chooses, and it will be held against you forever. It’s truly one of the worst decisions any woman ever has to face, especially when the decision is to terminate.

If she’s truly pregnant, her thinking is in a hormonal soup, and her body is sheltering a second consciousness. The baby is not trying to hurt or trouble any of you, and I’m sad for all this and praying for God’s will and a gentle process for you all.

I hope you can understand this: the situation is really worst for your son, especially if he has ever entertained dreams of what life could be like with a sibling. No matter what happens here, he may grieve, a lot. And it’s troubling that she has no intention of taking him with her if she goes. I’d close out the terms of her infidelity and secure good therapy support for him and yourself. It’s a crappy stimulus for father son bonding, but he needs you, and needs you to be strong.

A lot can happen in first trimester, especially with mother that age. I hope you will update as the story goes on. Take care of you and your son; I know this has got to be one of the worst shocks for any family.

uniballer1965
uniballer1965
7 years ago
Reply to  LuckySeven

Who cares about her thinking? She wasn’t pregnant when she started the affair, so a “normal” set of hormones doesn’t seem to improve her thinking.

Sorry, don’t feel sorry, not the least bit for the pregnant cheating wife.

I do feel for Andrew and his child. I will echo the concerns of others to seek legal counsel and ensure that it’s established he is NOT the father.

Sadface
Sadface
7 years ago
Reply to  uniballer1965

Exactly, i don’t give a crap about that slut wife thinking or feeling at all .

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  uniballer1965

“Who cares about her thinking? She wasn’t pregnant when she started the affair, so a “normal” set of hormones doesn’t seem to improve her thinking.”

Exactly!!!

Confused123
Confused123
7 years ago
Reply to  LuckySeven

Andrew should not have to give a rats ass about the cheating wife.
He should not care if he has an abortion or not.
He should not have to care if a second consciousness or if her thinking is in a hormonal soup. SHE CHEATED AND GOT PREGNANT! I can’t think of a bigger betrayal or trust or bigger way to break the heart of the person that loves you.
Andrew should not give a shit anymore.
What he needs to do is get a lawyer and go No contact and not a give a shit about her what happens with her situation or she does with her body.

Idle hands
Idle hands
7 years ago
Reply to  Confused123

+1

Sadface
Sadface
7 years ago
Reply to  Idle hands

+1

Kbchump
Kbchump
7 years ago
Reply to  Sadface

+10000!

sephage
sephage
7 years ago
Reply to  Manchump

Holy fuck, these situations suck a crap ton of donkey ass! I feel for you guys, this is TERRIBLE!!!

Your ex and the OP’s ex are seriously deranged. They deserve every ounce of karma that ever comes back to bite them in their cheating asses.

Dianne
Dianne
7 years ago

I think Virginia, too.

Roberta
Roberta
7 years ago

OMG Andrew! Get to a lawyer like yesterday! Your cheater is 40 going on 16 in the brains department right now. The last thing you need is for her to hang around and use your health insurance and stick your name on the birth certificate as the presumed father of this child. This is 50 shades of f**ked up! I’m with CL, the 26 year old boyfriend isn’t sitting around reading books on how to be a good daddy! I suspect he has already made rumblings about giving her walking papers. Let’s face it, nothing breaks the “romance” mood like the reality of a screaming baby with a loaded diaper and an empty stomach! Find a good, no GREAT, lawyer and unload her useless carcass ASAP! So sorry this is happening to you and your son. Neither one of you deserves to live with a “pod” that is so blatantly abusive!

UXworld
UXworld
7 years ago

Mine has been in the same house since DDay in February — same general reasons: why NOT take her own sweet time to ‘get things sorted out’ while she’s got someone paying the bills and she can continue somewhat of an appearance of ‘normalcy’ in front of the children she gave no consideration to when she started down her fucked up, selfish narcissistic path?

CL is right — you must, in all things, demonstrate to your child, to the world, and to YOURSELF that SHE is the fucked up person, and that YOU are the steadying influence of character and positivity. You will have to eat a lot of shit sandwiches and it will be very difficult to keep your temper and your sanity, but it is a finite situation — there will be light at the end of the tunnel. And you will definitely come out the better for it.

Get cracking on your homework — you now have a full-time hobby thanks to the human turd you devoted a substantial portion of your life to. Stay strong and know there are many of us who have been (and ARE) in your shoes.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

UX you mention – “she gave no consideration to when she started down her fucked up, selfish narcissistic path” – how true!

In my case a year or so after dday, my now ex-wife wanted to be a surrogate mother for someone else. When she told me I was like WTF!! As if life wasn’t complicated enough that our marriage and family just imploded. We were divorcing and have 3 small kids because of her serial cheating and all she could think of is how great this would be (more like how great this would make her feel) to do this. Just speechless.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago

We need a “Song of Centrality.”

chris1731
chris1731
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

You can say that again: HOBBY
My cheater wife has become a full time hobby.
She did absolutely nothing to aide in the divorce ZERO…WTF. To top if off she only asked for more and more! She got the max!

I thought that I would find my Tuesday after the big step, but I believe after reading here at CL/CN it’s all the little steps and shit sandwiches that eventually the light of Tuesday will come.

I’m 1 year and 2 months out…still eat shit sandwiches..my daughters eat shit sandwiches…..but it’s getting better. I feel like living a little more each day:)

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  chris1731

Chris–sorry you’re in that situation. Find a new hobby; go grey rock with your wife–critical messages about kids only (you can use a site like Family Wizard so that you don’t have to field calls, texts, or emails). It is the only thing to maintain your mental health:

https://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/

Andrew–you’re clearly light years away from being able to go grey rock with your cheating pregnant wife, but do the best you can (legally) to get distance from her. There’s no way to inoculate yourself against her BS and mindfuckery while you’re sharing living space.

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago
Reply to  chris1731

Hang in there Chris! I’m on almost the same time line as you. Feel the same way. I lost 1/2 of my retirement, equity in the house and time with my kids to a lying cheating using hoe! I have completely gone NC with mine and it makes a huge difference. I don’t engage in any conversation with her. No text, email or talking. I’m lucky my kids are old enough I can do it. It’s amazing how you were such a bad person but then they just can’t leave YOU alone. Always trying to draw you back into a conversation about anything. The final divorce is just another small step. I, like you, am still working to rebuild my life from what I thought it would be. I am working on me. Stories like today’s remind me that I don’t have it so bad after all.

TiredChump
TiredChump
7 years ago

Wow – so sorry for you and your son
See a lawyer ASAP. But also see a child/adolescent therapist ASAP ( son’s pediatrician can probably give you a reco.)
You can meet the therapist without your son – because as the only sane parent – you will have to heal yourself and your son….I think how you handle the next few months can really help son de-link from the craziness and get through this painful mess with scars, but not permanent debilitating injuries. (After all your wife is telling your son she doesn’t want him!)

All cheaters betray their spouses and their CHILDREN. Which is so terrible – because the kids are innocent and did nothing to deserve the mess they are in.

Your wife is DESPICABLE

Hugs to you and your son.

expatChump
expatChump
7 years ago
Reply to  TiredChump

“All cheaters betray their spouses and their CHILDREN.” Agreed. Yet no one I know seems to get that. And he still lies and manipulates the kids.

honeyandthehomewrecker
honeyandthehomewrecker
7 years ago
Reply to  expatChump

Ex-pat Chump, ‘All cheaters betray their spouses and their CHILDREN.” Agreed. Yet no one I know seems to get that. And he still lies and manipulates the kids.’

This is my current life. Right after Honey left (2 years ago now), I got a mediator to handle the divorce (he walked out and left me flat broke with our 1 and 2 year old babies with no warning and a hot cup of coffee on the counter) and she turned out to be terrible. I remember when I was a blubbering mess in her office she said with a hint of condescension, ‘Just try to remember, he left you, NOT his kids.’ It never sat right with me. It bothered me day and night. And then I realized it’s because it was a lie. It’s the most common lie about divorce this effed up modern world has to offer, in fact. It’s nothing more than trying to put a bow on a pig. It’s simply not true.

Oh, but he SKYPES. Really? Give me a damn break. He moved from one coast to the other, 2,300 miles away. Do you think you could phone in the job of parent by spending 20 minutes a week on a cold, lifeless plexiglass screen? Never being there for a single special event, or scraped knee, or kiss and hug goodnight? If taking away your physical presence as a father for the duration of their lives for some stripper in another state isn’t betraying and abandoning your children, then what the hell is?

Susan
Susan
7 years ago
Reply to  expatChump

My son is 26, father betrayed me after a 30 yr of a good marriage. I’m 5 yrs out, and am healing, but my son, who once was a happy guy, has grown into an angry young man…

A man he once adored, he now wishes him no happiness in his future.

Yup, kids get betrayed too… “they” never think about them…

Andrew I’m so sorry for what you are going through. But listen to what CL is saying. Hindsite, I see why it’s best to D right away…

CL doesn’t lie?

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Susan

“They” never think of them, the kids, is right! I’m a Christian. My X I’m not so sure about anymore. He’s lied and fooled me our entire relationship, so he could be easily lying about this, too. My I digress…..A few years ago I read a John Eldredge book. X read it to. Of course he got nothing out of it, because his heart is made of stone. The premise of the book is the “father wound.” How father’s wound their children in some way (not physical) and we carry the father wound into our other relationships and life. My cold, heartless X said nonchalantly, “I guess I’m giving the kids the father wound now (by divorcing me.) He didn’t give a shit about what his actions would do the kids. Why would he? He never took his actions into consideration our entire relationship and marriage. It was always all about him. His time, his needs, his wants, his job, his ho-workers, etc. And we sat on the sidelines waiting for dad to get finished with “work” to spend some time with us. He was so selfish that he missed his sons birthday twice to go run in a race (son was very small at the time.) And then he went out-of-town for a football game on our three-year old daughters birthday. He said he “forgot” it was her birthday when he ordered the tickets. LIAR! He wanted to go and no family was going to keep Mr. Entitled away from his needs and wants! Who forgets it’s his daughters birthday. I could go on and on with stories.

marriedtoswine
marriedtoswine
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Martha your husband sounds just like mine. Also a big Jesus cheater, performs at church and everything, while actively living in adultery. He has missed multiple kid birthdays by his own volition, yet somehow makes himself the sad sausage who is “left out.” Last birthday he missed due to “work” I am pretty sure was actually working on bonking his skank. Rushed me out of the hospital post partum because he wanted to go across the state to perform as…wait for it…a rodeo clown. Left my suitcase with everything including pain med prescription at the hospital, dropped my extremely sore self at home with the children, and proceeded to leave for the next sixteen hours. Forget the brand new baby and somewhat debilitated wife, couldn’t let anything get in the way of all that attention he would get.

LinneyBee
LinneyBee
7 years ago
Reply to  marriedtoswine

Left his postpartum wife and newborn son to be a rodeo clown…good grief…I thought I had heard it all.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Wow, sounds like he never cared for his family, for his wife, or his kids. He just couldn’t be bothered, as his activities were so much more important than him. If someone is that selfish, then don’t bother to get married and have children. Just be single and focus on yourself 24/7, 100% of the time. Go figure.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Sorry – His activities were so much more important than his whole family.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  TiredChump

So true. And, to complicate matters, this child is a sibling to your son. Such a shit sandwich for both of you.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  TiredChump

“All cheaters betray their spouses and their CHILDREN. Which is so terrible – because the kids are innocent and did nothing to deserve the mess they are in.” Amen to that! Yeah, not only have I been betrayed all these years by his relationships with his ho-workers, but the kids have, too. But to cheaters, all that matters is their “happiness” and their entitlement to do whatever the frick they want.

SabineSavoy
SabineSavoy
7 years ago

Andrew,
Also make sure this cheater is indeed, truly pregnant. Nine weeks is nothing that will show yet. In her rotten brain, perhaps she thought that was a way to achieve several goals 1) not being kicked out 2) garner sympathy or tender care after she cheated or 3) just to make you more jealous and sad. Many disordered women use the pregnancy card to exert control over a man.

It is hard for a 40 year old to get pregnant without heavy duty medical help: IVF, fertility drugs, invasive procedures. Not impossible to do it naturally, but no way easy. There are 40 year old women who would build a shrine to the Seven Gods if they got pregnant.

If you have concrete (blood test) proof, she is pregnant, then once you go to the lawyer (ASAP!) you will know how to proceed to establish DNA and get scumbag on the hook for child support. Make sure your lawyer understands that this is a high conflict divorce, and you do not want to go to a mediator and to sing Kumbayai or “consciously uncouple”

Get as much information on Scumbag’s personal details: last known address, date of birth- anything that helps serve him with legal papers. He probably has a criminal record.He may move around a lot and become slippery. Find out where his mother lives (they always know where their sons are).

Not only would I move out as soon as humanly possible, I would put the house up for sale. This will show her you mean business. It is an act that can be reversed, but it has a way of getting people’s attention. Every state has different family laws, but putting a house up for sale is as common as dirt. The simple “I can’t afford the mortgage and rent” reason usually flies. It is just math based.

The critical point is to methodically but quickly! gather evidence that this is not your child, if she is truly pregnant. You could be presumed the father because the child was “conceived” under the umbrella of your marriage.

If you can anyway swing it, I would hire a good private investigator and have them go to town on her. You need to open a can of whoop ass on her in terms of proof of her conduct, and scumbag. Then, you can just pay their bills and have they do all the legwork. The things they can find out now are beyond your capability and it is too painful.

If you love her, (and it seems you do) I know you are in excruciating pain. I am sorry, and I hope this site and time eases your suffering. In time, the rage will come and it is not a fun feelings. Get in therapy now so you do not implode.

Protect your sanity and your son, as CL said. When these catastrophic betrayals, you can lose your mind, if you don’t stay on the path.

*I don’t think you have to worry about making the mistake of doing the pick me dance or competing with scumbag…he will run for the hills, if these pregnancy is true.*

Regina
Regina
7 years ago
Reply to  SabineSavoy

Surely there are even some Ho’s that say they are pregnant just to get some quick money for the abortion that may not even happen.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Regina

THAT IS SICK!

Regina
Regina
7 years ago
Reply to  SabineSavoy

SS; Great delve into the deluded, selfish & controlling mind of the Cheaters!! So true, the bitch could be just trying to be the female “sad sausage” routine, trying to reverse it all around with her as the victim!
I thought it was brilliant. You know, I still can’t think like these people even when I am trying!
No wonder they feel so terrible about themselves they have to go get romanced by a low life loser.

Susan
Susan
7 years ago
Reply to  SabineSavoy

I think what SS was trying to get across is, DONT trust…
Not a debate on women conceiving after 40…

SabineSavoy
SabineSavoy
7 years ago
Reply to  Susan

Susan, Thanks! 🙂
That is all I was conveying.
I now question EVERYTHING the Cheater said to me, and have been….sickened and thrown off balance at what I discovered.
I never grasped the extent mental disturbed people just lie like I would eat a Ritz cracker…to someone they “love”.

Phi Slama Jama Mama
Phi Slama Jama Mama
7 years ago
Reply to  SabineSavoy

In addition to the paternity issue (you really do need to verify it is or isn’t yours…), there is the possibility of disability with advanced maternal age. The same amino procedure that establishes whether there are genetic problems can verify DNA for paternity.

You need a lawyer. Yesterday. So sorry.

Chumpzilla
Chumpzilla
7 years ago
Reply to  SabineSavoy

Depends on the person, their health and fertility. Just had my third and turned 40 in the same year. We weren’t even trying to conceive.

Chumpzilla
Chumpzilla
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumpzilla

And cheated on and abandoned……well, I’ll never forget my 40th, that’s for sure!

kaycan
kaycan
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumpzilla

I hear you! Currently rocking the single-parenting of a wreckonciliation preschooler at the youthful age of 45! Not what I signed up for, but she is the only thing good that came out of NOT kicking Cheater Ex out after D-Day#1.

SabineSavoy
SabineSavoy
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumpzilla

As I said ” not impossible but in no way easy.”
Cheaters have been know to ….LIE…and it is a very convenient one to cook up if she is facing having no where to live. It is the perfect clock of untouchability….to say she is pregnant. It puts her in a protected status, medically and legally.

It is just something he needs to be sure of before he moves forward.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  SabineSavoy

Oh Other Kat, thank you for the beautiful hopeful anecdote! :o)

honeyandthehomewrecker
honeyandthehomewrecker
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Kellia, I read all your posts about hope for the future and children, and let me tell you that no matter your circumstances, it is worth it. I was left out of the blue when mine were 1 and 2, and the abject terror that kept me up at night, aside from the destruction of my dreams of our intact family, were all about their future daddy wounds. In getting counseling and working through my cloud of fear, I have gained some clarity in the last 2 years about this.

There will be a wound for them. It may be profound, it may not be. I will do all that’s in my power to mitigate that, but that aside, I don’t have any control over how their soul and psyche respond to the realization of what they’ve lost. My best friend found herself widowed when fast-acting cancer took her amazing husband in a matter of months, leaving her alone with FOUR kids, one of whom has autism. Her 4 year old daughter would cry every day and say she wanted her daddy back. MY friend has no control over that. Some people go off to war and never come back. There is no control over that. Some people have easy pregnancies, others are fraught with pain and life-threatening complications (like mine). NO CONTROL OVER THAT. It’s all part of the over-arching message that I’ve received from my cumulative therapies about the myth of control, and how embracing that lack of control can be the only thing that will keep us sane and happy in the long run. As Chump Lady says, we can only control ourselves. If you take that a step farther to ‘or the events of this insane world we live in’, you can find a whole new level of peace. I like control, so this does not come naturally for me. But it has helped more than I can tell you.

It’s also the one thing that allows me to abandon worry, live in the present moment, and get down on the floor to be silly with them. I made a video tribute to my kids on my blog. It’s about hope for their future, and how each soul born into this world has to find its way no matter the circumstances handed they are handed. Looking at them as being part of the grand timeline of humanity has actually made me feel the most hopeful I’ve felt since this all happened. I hope you enjoy it.

https://honeyandthehomewrecker.com/2016/06/24/for-my-littles/

Best of luck if you pursue parenthood. It’s where sheer terror and pure joy intersect…a strange intersection, to be sure! But there’s nothing better on earth. Hugs.

Lady Lazarus
Lady Lazarus
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Kellia, let me just add my hopeful story too. I had my beautiful and entirely healthy daughter two months short of my 42nd birthday. When I was 44, I again fell pregnant – accidentally. I was still falling pregnant at the drop of a hat (and sadly miscarrying – but this was due to an autoimmune response in early pregnancy for which I need to take steroids, and which had already caused me to miscarry in my 30s, not necessarily to age) right up to the age of 45.

It all depends on your particular level of fertility. And there is another option: going the donor egg route, which most clinics will offer women up to the age of 50. With a donor egg your chances of having a healthy pregnancy are those of the age of the donor – so, with an egg from a 25 yo donor the miscarriage risk is BEAUTIFULLY low!

Best of luck to you.

SabineSavoy
SabineSavoy
7 years ago
Reply to  SabineSavoy

*cloak*

Carolyn
Carolyn
7 years ago
Reply to  SabineSavoy

I had my first baby at the age of forty five, and there was no medical intervention whatsoever. I did not try to get pregnant in any way, and was shocked when it happened. Mainly because I kept hearing it wasn’t possible. I was very happy, and had a beautiful, normal child. It’s also what saddled me with a cheater.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Carolyn

Linden – Thank you for the link to that article. It was a great read!

Carolyn
Carolyn
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

That was a great article. Thanks, Linden. Always follow the $$$/ Infertility treatment is massively expensive and profitable. Natural fertility, not so much.

I agree about the folic acid. I was worried when I found out I was pregnant, but it is in a lot of bread and cereal products so I was getting enough.

Regarding the chromosomal abnormalities, they have really good tests now that do not involve amniocentesis, which has about a 3% chance of causing miscarriage. I’m sure they have even better tests now, that was over a decade ago. Triple screen checks blood levels of indicators of chromosomal abnormalities, and they can do fetal measurements to determine them as well. It’s truly amazing.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Her Blondeness – What a beautiful story you shared about your little boy. He sounds like a little prince. Life gave you such a beautiful gift. Your story warmed my heart. Thank you for sharing.

Her Blondeness
Her Blondeness
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Hi Kellia, one more anecdote for you. Cheater #1 decided, in his oh-so-narc-way, he wanted a *legacy*. He gave me an ultimatum to have a child or a divorce (this was before d-day). This was at my 40th birthday dinner, no less. I had a history of bad periods (think three day cramps, nausea and bloat every month) and had been on the low-dose pill for around 20 years. I went off, had four months of three day nausea before I got pregnant. I had d-day when I was 12 weeks along and gave birth to Jr. when I was 42. I left, finally, when Jr. was 9 months old. I had bought into RIC and my conservative, religious upbringing and tried to save my marriage for the baby. So much for that cliche. I decided to leave so Jr. would never have a memory of his parents together.

The downside? I’m tied to C#1 for 5 more years until Jr. graduates from high school. I will also have to see him at graduations and other milestone occasions.

The upside? Oh, many sides! I no longer have all the baggage, debt and drama that Cheater #1 carries. I have a lovely, courteous, funny blonde boy who looks just.like.me. Many have commented that it’s almost like his dad wasn’t part of the equation. C#1 can’t seem to get his $hit together enough to see Jr. consistently, so he has very little influence on his life.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Carolyn

Carolyn – It’s so nice to read your post. I am 42 and never been married, and don’t have children but would still like to. It’s funny when you wrote that you kept hearing it’s not possible to get pregnant because of our age, but I do know so many people who got pregnant without medical intervention in their 40s. My coworker’s wife had her first child at 45 and another one afterwards without any medical intervention. I know of others as well, and they never had sex with their husbands, and bam, they are pregnant. So I am sick and tired of hearing people state that because you’re over 35 that it’s not possible to get pregnant. It is possible and reading stories like this, because it gives me hope that it’s possible for me too some day. Thanks for sharing.

Kiwichump
Kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

I got pregnant six times after the age of 42 without any fertility treatment. Sadly they all ended in miscarriages, but I had already had 3 miscarriages in my early 30s so I believe age had nothing to do with it. If you really want a child and you are on your own, go for it anyway. I so wish I had now I am 52. Good luck with it.
Andrew I’m so sorry you are in this horrible situation. Watch out for the rage you will inevitably feel and which could be used against you with your traitor wife playing poor pregnant victim. Get a lawyer and get yourself away to safety. You are living with the enemy right now.

Other Kat
Other Kat
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Just to add one more hopeful anecdote, I have a friend who’s been working for over 30 years at a rural clinic that serves a large Amish and Mennonite community. She said it’s not at all unusual for women there to have their last baby in their mid to late forties.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Oh gosh everyone, my eyes watered when I read all your posts!! I have saved each one and will re-read them. THANK YOU for all the support!! I don’t have any contact with my family of origin, since they are all incredibly cruel and so abusive. I would love to re-create a family of my own some day and I hope to have children. Otherwise, it’s a very isolating existence. And your posts give me so much hope. From the bottom of my heart, thank you all.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

But…there is a significant increase in chromosome abnormalities (though still in the minority of children born to over 40s)–anyone considering (or physically able) of getting pregnant should be taking 800 mcg of folic acid daily to help prevent both chromosome abnormalities and birth defects.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

After teens, women in their 40s are the largest group for unplanned pregnancies. It’s actually very common, and not nearly as difficult to get pregnant at this age than the media would lead you to believe.

Carolyn
Carolyn
7 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

GladIt’sOver, I heard that exact statistic on Oprah, years ago before I ever got pregnant.

Carolyn
Carolyn
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Kellia, I’m so glad my story was helpful. It’s amazing how many stories you hear of people having babies in their forties, naturally, after you start looking. I even saw a story on television recently about a Revolutionary War era woman who had her last baby at age 45.

I had never wanted to have a child with my first husband, due to his addiction, and after our split I thought it was too late because I was over 40. I just quit using birth control and ended up pregnant. My obstetrician asked me what I was thinking, and I said I didn’t think I would get pregnant, due to what you hear about pregnancy after 30. He told me “As long as you have a period, you can still get pregnant.”. So if you meet that criteria, there is hope. I have talked to many mothers who were told they “couldn’t ” get pregnant. Best wishes, for motherhood, I hope it works out if that it what you want.

Linden
Linden
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

There is a decline in fertility, but it’s not that large and it’s been oversold.

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/309374/

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Kellia, don’t lose hope! My first baby was at 40, second at 41, second pregnancy occurred before planned, no medical assistance other than my doc putting us both on 3 rounds of heavy antibiotics beforehand, because my ex had some evidence of infection that might have interfered w/conception.

But don’t waste time! Lots of women do get pregnant late, but many cannot, or need medical assistance. The longer you wait, the harder it gets.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  SabineSavoy

While a baby is not a welcome thing in most cheating situations and her pool boy is likely running away at such news, it is good to remember that yes, some people DO fake pregnancy…sometimes all the way to the end then they fake a perinatal death. Hospitals are so limited by what info we can release, we cant tell people that a woman was never pregnant. (Someone NOT being a patient is seen as a piece of protected medical information). As an added bonus, pregnancy fakers fit the profile of possible infant abductors and hospitals will share info about such suspicious behavior amongst themselves.

Patsy
Patsy
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Unicornnomore knows of which she speaks. So UNM, how could a husband ascertain whether she is pregnant or not? ‘Pee on this stick’ – sounds so straightforward!!

SabineSavoy
SabineSavoy
7 years ago

~Sorry for the typos. Cheaters have a way of hijacking your day as soon as you wake up…muddling the brain. It is infuriating.

Roberta
Roberta
7 years ago
Reply to  SabineSavoy

Andrew, SabineSavoy makes some very good points. Forty year olds don’t just get pregnant that easily and the “pregnancy card” is used in a variety of ways by women of all ages! My Ex’s Schmoopie was over 50 and tried to use that ploy! You could get stuck if you are still married and she is indeed preggars with child support. Then you would have to do the whole DNA thing to establish paternity of this child. Sometimes the courts don’t give a rats behind because in thier eyes if she was legally married to you at the time of the birth then the assumption is you accept this child as yours regardless of paternity! I’ve seen it happen and it’s terribly sad! Get a lawyer who has experience in these kinds of screw stories. It may cost you now, but it will cost a lot more to raise another child. Not to mention the fact that her pregnancy, if it’s so, is considered high risk for her age. This child could be born with any number of problems making it very difficult to extract yourself from the situation!

ChChChChump
ChChChChump
7 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

My Fucktard’s Schmoopie was over 50 and had AN IUD and claimed to have gotten pregnant (trying to derail us during attempted reconciliation).

Ever HE laughed at the ridiculousness of the claim.

Chumpzilla
Chumpzilla
7 years ago
Reply to  SabineSavoy

Yeah, he definitely needs to be sure. I can see where a desperate lying cheater would lie about that too, extra special cake!

Jwashington
Jwashington
7 years ago

You cannot think to much about it- or you will stumble ( and possibly lose your mind) You just have to start the process (divorce, moving out,) and put one foot in front of the other. There are days when you will have to convince yourself that this is the reality. It seems so far fetched doesn’t it? And yet it is happening to you and to your son and your wife is the one causing all of the events. All of us here know it is painful. It isn’t easy! But it is real and the best thing you can do is protect yourself and your son. That starts with a phone call to a very good and competent divorce attorney.

Bee
Bee
7 years ago

Andrew I am so terribly sorry that this is happening to you.
I just hope that fear and pain that you are experiencing now will push you forward rather than paralyse you.
There are lots of great comments here already and more to come.
Just wanted to add that although the pregnancy greatly complicates things please dump her even if she is not pregnant or tries to “seduce” you with possible abortion.
Don’t fall for her bs, please divorce her asap and go NO contact!

StartofSomethingGood
StartofSomethingGood
7 years ago

Hugs, Andrew. You will get through this. Like CL says, it’s finite even if you can’t see it right now. Your new and happier life is on the other side of this! I promise you. One foot in front of the other. I’m cheering you on!

divorcinganarcissistblog
divorcinganarcissistblog
7 years ago

Andrew, so sorry to hear that you are in this situation! I agree with CL and all the others, the sooner you can get out of this situation the better (pending legal advice). I would suspect that your wife is going to only get crazier and more hormonal as her pregnancy goes on – who knows what kind of crazy she will start throwing your way. Stay strong and check in with Chump Nation when you need a sanity check!!

Kimhopes
Kimhopes
7 years ago

Dear Andrew,
I am so sorry you are going through this. On top of all the other great advice, be prepared to deal with her wrath when you do implement boundaries and tell her she has to leave. My STBXH took 9 weeks to move out of our house (emotional affairs, not for lack of trying & using joint funds to send money to scam artists). I had to push him, & he got nasty. As a man I think you need an adult witness or witnesses as it is too easy for you to be falsely accused of threats/intimidation. Check into the legality of recording devices in your house.
Also, please get tested for STD’s if you haven’t already. You’re a great dad, hang in there and good luck.

informal
informal
7 years ago

That is a great suggestion to have someone present to protect you from accusations. Maybe you could move a couple of supportive family members for you and your son. Maybe 100 and let it get a little crowded.

Lyn
Lyn
7 years ago

Andrew, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation due to no choice of your own. Having to live in that environment sounds impossible. I hope you get legal counsel as soon as possible, then get yourself and your son away from her.

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago

Just when I thought I had heard it all. Man, so sorry you have to go through this. That’s a triple decker of a shit sandwich you have sitting on your plate! Listen to CL and get to an attorney or several attorneys today. Make sure you ask if they have any experience with a case like yours. It sounds complicated. Then get the hell out of that house. Find a way! If you are a chump like me, you feel you owe her something and have trouble leaving someone in her position. Don’t listen to that. She didn’t give a crap about you when she was getting pregnant by another man. Sorry you had to gone the I married a whore club. I am a recovering member and want you to know life will get better once you get away from this fucked up situation.

Marked711
Marked711
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

I’m a member of that club as well. Listen to Lostntx, you don’t owe her anything. She is no longer your wife, she is a stranger. Treat her that way. I know it seems impossible, especially since you truly loved her (or rather who you though she was), but now you know the truth. Be strong. Took me over two years of putting one foot in front of the other before I finally felt like I crested the hill. I’m on the other side and you will get there too.

Kbchump
Kbchump
7 years ago
Reply to  Marked711

Member #3! Wife of 24 hours was banging our daughters boyfriends dad, she didn’t get pregnant though but it’s an absolute shit sandwich. It’s taken me about 2 years to feel pretty normal but that really started to happen after I went complete No Contact. Follow the advice here and get to a lawyer to protect you and your son. I had to boot her out she wanted to stay to “save up” and find a place but after 3 weeks I Hefty bagged her shit and threw it in the garage. Good luck it does get better after the storm.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
7 years ago

Andrew – Flat out, this sucks. You didn’t cause this, your son doesn’t deserve a whore for a Mom, and you can have a better life without her cheating ass.

PLEASE – get to a lawyer today. Then do EVERYTHING they tell you to do and nothing else.

Your wife knows how to push your buttons after 20 years, that is why no contact or as minimal contact as needed for your son is necessary.

You are ONLY 40… you have such a big amazing life ahead of you (as does your son)… There is a saying… “Fake it until you make it.” Trust your gut, make small decisions/baby steps, but keep moving forward until you feel your own MIGHTYNESS. It is in there.

You can do this… we are here for you and your son.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
7 years ago

I agree with most of the advice you’ve received above.

Get a lawyer.

Get a therapist for you and your son (Maybe you’d benefit from seeing one jointly but you should also encourage your son to have a separate therapist and separate meetings. Your son will be torn by this experience. Your support of him will be essential but having an adult vested only in his interests, like a therapist, can help give him more tools for managing his pain, anger, and bafflement. Even if your son doesn’t want to go–get him to one appointment, The goal is to show him the path for getting more help if he needs it. Let him know he doesn’t have to continue if he doesn’t want to but that he can call and have appointments (including phone ones) should he change his mind at any point now that he’s met the therapist.)

Get your ducks in a row–figure out all the insurance issues, get copies of all financial records (or take the originals and leave the spouse the copies).

Document, document, document.

Think long and hard about leaving and getting your own place. Leaving the house seems like “losing” when you are in the middle of a crisis (as you are now), but I think most of us who have been through this (whether we got the house or left it) feel like the issue of who gets to live in the home was, in retrospect, a bit of a red herring. Housing is hugely important and very concrete. Arguing about the house or “getting” to stay in it feels like an accomplishment, but the really important parts of this crisis are getting out of the marriage and protecting your son–everything else is secondary and will get reshaped and put into perspective only after those two primary issues have been managed.

Good luck and best wishes.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
7 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

Good point! Leaving the house could be very good for Andrew and his son, and keep them away from a dangerous and mentally unbalanced woman. Who doesn’t want their own 14 yr old son? A seriously damaged Kook.
Losing the home you’ve known, the house itself, and the family concept within it, does seem like a huge issue at the time. But, you can go somewhere else and be happy, it is just hard to let go. I know from experience, creating my family home took up so much of my time, and I walked away to save my sanity! Andrew is much better off anywhere else, so she can’t fuck with him daily.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  FreeWoman

But talk to a lawyer first; in some states moving out counts as abandonment and can go against a person in settlement and/or custody.

Michael
Michael
7 years ago

I thought it was bad when my ex told me that she let the OM come inside of her. For a man it feels like an invasion on so many levels and you can’t defend yourself because the enemy is your wife. And it’s just plain gross! I was still chumping around until she told me that. Soon as I heard that, something shut off in me and I was ready to divorce. Not to make light of your situation Andrew, but hopefully this did the same for you. So at least your heart is out of it, which makes being rational much easier.

I’m not sure about the legality but whatever it is you need to do start making moves. I would think it’s easier to document when you move away from her and shutdown communications except for emails and texts. Hopefully this is an option for you. She will for sure play the pregnancy to her advantage. I just hope you live in a no-fault state like I do.

DavidB
DavidB
7 years ago
Reply to  Michael

Even better…. I saw text about how he was cumming on her face! Probably inside and out…. does kind of hit a guy hard I think…… Never will those images get out of ones head….. especially if you see them every day!

mickeyblueeyes
mickeyblueeyes
7 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

My lovely ex let me perform oral sex on her, a few hours earlier she’d had unprotected sex with lover boy…they really are classy these cheating women

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  mickeyblueeyes

Mickeyblueeyes, DavidB, Michael.
Well, it takes me a lot to be floored, but I never actually had a mind movie about any of this.
Probably because he was too ‘good’ to leave a stray text behind.

Talk about trying to shut that off in my head.
MY GOD.
There it is. She probably wanted him to come all over her face.
And…god knows where else.
I never thought about that rather….well, gruesome porno visuals when they F strangers…
Seriously, I sure didn’t need that visual in my head today.
Call me naive but learning every day here..

However, I DO appreciate it as it gives me more power that I’m at meh….I am SO over him!

Well, until further notice.
:-/

"Sort it out" with a heart
"Sort it out" with a heart
7 years ago

Please consider this alternative: put the unborn child’s needs first. He or she is completely innocent in this situation. It’s not always about what “makes you happy,” “getting her out of your head,” or “rebuilding.”

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
7 years ago

It’s nine weeks, not a baby, abortion is an option. She isn’t parenting the child she already has and the young dick she fucked isn’t likely to do so. Call me cold if you like. She’s an asshole and shouldn’t bring another child into the world.

Sadface
Sadface
7 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Yeah, she didn’t deserve the right to give birth due to her shit character. And just for the sake of saying, is the unborn chils really innocent? She/he is produced by a whore mother and a low life scum father.

SabineSavoy
SabineSavoy
7 years ago

Yes…Andrews appears TOO kind and empathetic. The baby is not in any jeopardy of harm from Andrew. The baby would be harmed by the disordered nut who is carrying him or her (if true) and the sperm donor.

But, Andrew cannot save the world. Can you imagine the horror and misery of Andrew being on the financial hook for essentially, the rest of his life…and sociopath and scumbag get to raise the baby, call the shots, while Andrew foots the bill?

I know you meant well with your comment…but the white hot fire of betrayal are not the same as gooey optimism and teddy bears. It is just not realistic, or even natural, for Andrew to put his welfare and his son’s above this stranger’s baby.

Truly, the best option for the unborn child, if true, would be adoption. There are MILLIONS of families who cannot conceive and want a newborn.

But that is still a shit sandwich because it is the son’s half sibling.

That is what cheater’s do…they create these shit tsunamis and she even has people across the pond fretting over her actions, (US) while she strolls through town with her cheater partner, oblivious and most likely, happy.

IMAGINE THAT.

Annie Get Your Gun
Annie Get Your Gun
7 years ago

Bullshit! If he wants to put the unborn child’s needs first he can become a foster parent to any of the hundreds of orphaned children out there. This child his not his and the woman he thought was his wife is no longer his through her own betrayal and devaluing of her husband. He might as well go adopt a total strangers child. I get it’s not the baby’s fault and it will suck to be the child of two complete assholes, but this is not Andrew’s problem. Andrew needs to focus on him and HIS son.

renewed
renewed
7 years ago

Until andrew can prove the baby is not his, for now it just may very well be his problem. She was doing both guys at the same time.

Renewed
Renewed
7 years ago

I understand if the unborn is not OP, the unborn is half brother to his son. Any hatred or animosity towards the baby will only make things worse.

I also have a family member placed in the same situation but much younger. We have not thought any different and treated, loved the child as our own blood. The child is now an adult of which I am proud of. Parents stupidity should not reflect on how we treat the kid.
It has long term effects.

renewed
renewed
7 years ago
Reply to  Renewed

At this point Andrew really doesn’t know who the baby daddy is. It seems she was doing both at the same time.

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
7 years ago
Reply to  Renewed

Nobody said Andrew should treat the baby like crap. What we’re saying, is he should not be responsible for it. Period.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Renewed

Andrew can be kind to his son’s half sibling. He may even decide, later, to have some connection with this child, if the mother permits that. But this situation, here, is not theoretical. The mother does not want to live with her legal husband, who is not the father. She also seems reluctant to do anything about that situation. It is her attitude and behavior that is selfish here. Once Andrew has some distance from the marriage, he may not even have contact with his XW’s child by another man. This situation is complicated by the wife’s lack of remorse and total indifference to the pain she is causing her husband and son. There’s nothing to work with there.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
7 years ago

‘Sort It Out’- Do you understand betrayal? I think not. Andrew’s focus is properly on his son’s safety and mental health, and on his own life. His so-called “wife” fired him from caring about her, when she laid down with some guy she met. She happens to be carrying this guy’s child (maybe). Let HER focus on the baby! She helped create it! Andrew wasn’t there, had no say in those activities, and he has zero obligation to be involved in that!
How about we get “wifey’s” and BoyToy’s email adresses for you, and you send them some advice to help their baby get a good start in life?

Anita
Anita
7 years ago
Reply to  FreeWoman

Since their son is 14, Andrew is already well on his way to freedom from this whore. Taking responsibility for a child that is not his extends the hell of being connected to her to 18 years. If she is 9 weeks pregnant, she knew before she confessed and is playing him for a MEAL TICKET. AP doesn’t want her, she is trying for Plan B. Do not buy it.

Linden
Linden
7 years ago

Perhaps the child’s mother should be putting the child’s needs first, instead of trying to play “pin the fatherhood on the nearest donkey.”

yo
yo
7 years ago
Reply to  Linden

Both biological parents are grown adults. This baby is THEIR responsibility. They are grown enough to concieve it, they are grown enough to take care of it for the next eighteen years. It is unfair to try to guilt the betrayed husband into being a chump AGAIN.

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
7 years ago
Reply to  yo

+1

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Linden

Bingo!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago

Putting an unborn child’s needs first in the obligation of the biological parents. Neither of these children should be raised in an atmosphere where the mother is deceitful, indifferent to her husband and first child, and not the slightest bit remorseful. Andrew’s obligation is to take care of his own mental health so he can be a sane, stable parent. His son is an innocent in this, too.

violet
violet
7 years ago

The child has a father and it is not Andrew. I know of a man who swallowed the shit sandwich whole and raised OM’s children-there were two. The kids still don’t know. What they do know is that they never felt love by what they believe to be their dad and have suffered greatly because of this deception. They are now grown and their lives are a complete and utter mess. There is no way in hell I would ever recommend that Andrew sweep this under the rug and raise another man’s child, especially given his wife’s complete lack of remorse! That is just bad advice!

Confused123
Confused123
7 years ago
Reply to  violet

Violet: Spot on!
She fucked up and got pregnant by another man the she can deal with it. It’s not Andrews mess to clean up. He should have to take ZERO responsibility.
The mother can put the unborn child’s needs first which I seriously doubt she will do based on the behavior she is exhibit to her son. Some people should not be parents. Period. Again, this is not Andrew’s mess to clean up.

Anita
Anita
7 years ago
Reply to  violet

I agree, this child has a mother and s father. If it’s not Andrew’s, taking responsibility will only lead to heartbreak, for him. That’s a shit sandwich no one should be served or expected to choke down.

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
7 years ago

You’ve got to be shitting me. He doesn’t owe her or her unborn baby anything. That’s on his STBXW. All he needs to do is protect the child he has and let her “sort it out”.

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago

And how exactly would he ‘put the unborn child’s needs first’? And WHY would he do that; this is NOT his child, nor his choice. There are lots of ‘ completely innocent’ children in the world who deserve only the best, but they are not ours, and we can’t help them all.

I think it’s more important that he put the interests of the child he already has first; his son needs at least one sane parent, and a happy and peaceful home to grow up in. He won’t get that unless Andrew manages to get rid of this leech.

Confused123
Confused123
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

KarenE:
100% Agree.

Susan
Susan
7 years ago
Reply to  Confused123

Agree!

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago

Andrew – I feel for you. This is extreme chaos. It’s bad enough she’s breaking up the family, but to create a child with another person, in such a chaotic environment, oh boy. I feel bad for you, your son and this new child who will be born into a completely unstable environment. Get a lawyer and protect yourself, from a person, who seems clearly mentally disturbed. And your wife has no idea what she’s in for. 26 year olds nowadays, are nowhere nearly mature enough to take care of themselves, let alone a newborn. Yes there are exceptions, but I doubt this situation is one of those. And I have a feeling, once things blow up with this 26 year old, your wife may be coming back knocking on your door, because you’ll be useful again to her for some b.s. reason. Please get a lot of support for the sake of your son and your own mental sanity.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago

Andrew, so very sorry that you are experiencing this terrible version of infidelity. Please listen to CL and get to a lawyer today. It’s Thursday! Call today so you can either get in before the weekend or first thing Monday. Be prepared to file for full custody and fight for that; she is likely to change her mind about your son when it occurs to her that Schmoopie has no money and custody = child support. Your son will have some say in the outcome, but be careful not to say anything that can be construed as alienation. Get tested for STDs.

Then, do what we tell all chumps after DDay: get your ducks in a row. Gather your family paperwork: bank and investment statements, birth certificate for you and your son, son’s social security card, tax documents, passports, etc. Put that stuff in a sate place. Run a credit check on your wife to make sure she isn’t supporting Schmoopie or running up a lot of debt. Cancel any credit cards you don’t use.

Tell your family and your closest friend. Get your support system lined up. Lawyer, therapist(s), physician. Exercise, eat, get into a routine that will keep you healthy in this stressful situation.

Of course you are no longer having sex with her. Do not put yourself and your son at risk legally because you crave contact and crumble at manipulative signs of affection. Follow your lawyer’s advice about leaving the home; there may be ramifications. But I like the suggestion about putting it up for sale, pending divorce. But here’s another idea. Spend a few hundred dollars on an appraisal now, so that when you get into negotiations, you have a realistic number. When I divorced XH, I got a figure from the bank that hold our mortgage and the appraiser that represented our equity. I told him one way or the other I was done with the marriage and I offered to either buy out his half or have him buy out mine. If you have, say, $60,000 in equity, $30,000 might sound like a lot to your XH right now. She’s not thinking straight right now, but she seems sure she doesn’t want to stay married. If you play your cards right, she might give up a lot for some cash to start over or be willing to take over the mortgage so you can. Just a thought. It worked for me and my XH would have preferred to avoid a divorce. But his lawyer buddy told him it was a good deal. I gave him everything in the house, too. It was a blessing to me to start over, clean.

My advice is to be “nice” and help her get sorted. That doesn’t mean you aren’t walking around with a knife in your guy; it means that you are willing to be tough enough to navigate this awful situation in order to make a life for you and your son. Give some thought to what you want before you talk to the attorney and then execute your plan. One way to get her out of your head is to get one of the two of you out of the house. Take the lead and save yourself and your son. You don’t deserve this.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

And read yesterday’s post about knowing when a marriage is over. Your marriage is OVER. It burns like fire to be betrayed, but if you move through the pain instead of trying to make it go away, you will be on the other side and into a new life that doesn’t included raising your wife’s baby by some doofus.

Roberta
Roberta
7 years ago

I would imagine Andrew’s cheater is now hanging in at the marital home because her scumbag lover has let her know that he doesn’t want a pregnant 40 year old! She was good enough for him when she was available to screw, but no 26 year old guy wants some over the hill pregnant woman depending on him! To him it was probably all fun and games! Andrew needs to get her out of his house and divorce her in record time. The bad part about all of this nonsense is the fact that he will probably end up having to give her 50% of everything anyways in the divorce! It’s a huge shit sandwich for the faithful spouse to swallow! Our legal system needs to get with the times. No way should a woman who betrays her husband should gain anything in a divorce due to her adultery!

Bee
Bee
7 years ago

This is from Dadsdivorce.com
“Question:

I am separated from my wife who is currently pregnant with another man’s child.

I understand that the child is “presumed” to be mine since I am married to the child’s mother, but is there some document or paternity paperwork I can file with my divorce papers to ensure I am not held responsible for a child that is not mine?

Answer:

I am unable to give you legal advice on divorce. I can give general divorce help for men, though, my knowledge is based on Michigan divorce and paternity laws where I am licensed to practice.

One of the strongest presumptions in the law is that a child born during a marriage is “issue of that marriage.” You are correct in your statement that since you are still married that the law presumes that you are the father of the child that your wife is carrying.

However, there is a way of having the court acknowledge that this child is not a child born of the marriage, and therefore you are not the child’s legal father. In Michigan, where I practice, this is known as a Serafin hearing. See Serafin v. Serafin, 401 Mich 629; 258 NW2d 461 (1977).

While each court may have a different way of conducting these hearings, the court must find by a clear and convincing evidence that you are not the biological father of this child. This can be accomplished in several ways, DNA testing, tissue testing, but most often testimony from the parties is utilised “

Roberta
Roberta
7 years ago

Oh, and before ANYBODY jumps on my over the hill remark I want to make it clear that in the eyes of a 26 year old, she has used up her usefulness to him. I in no way am insinuating that 40 is decrepit, but you have to look at it through the very young OM’s eyes. And pregnant to boot! Hell, she was probably just a whole lot of “fun” to him and in his young mind he probably felt she was past child bearing years!

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

A lot of people think they won’t get pregnant, until it happens to them. One of my friends got married at 35 and she got pregnant right away after the wedding. Her husband who is the same age, told her, I didn’t think you were going to get pregnant that quickly. You’re having unprotected sex, what do you think will happen? Shaking my head at how some people are total imbeciles.

Annie Get Your Gun
Annie Get Your Gun
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

I’m waiting for the announcement my ex got OW pregnant. We did not have to use contraceptives after my second one was born because I could no longer conceive, and he’s just too stupid to think of that. Even if she says she can’t have kids, how does he really know? He doesn’t. He’s just trusting that this known liar and manipulator is telling the truth. She’s never been married, with two other children and the best way to hook him to her forever is having a baby. If this happens, I only feel bad for the baby.

Roberta
Roberta
7 years ago

For sure, a lot of these guys don’t use protection. My Ex was white as a sheet when Schmoopie dropped the bomb on him that she might be pregnant! I just laughed my ass off at him while he pleaded with me to “google the odds of a 50 year old getting pregnant.” I knew Schmoopie was already into menopause though because when he forced me to communicate with Princess on Facebook (prior to the affair) she had already discussed her menopause with me! BTW, who does that? Oh yeah! No class sluts! Anyways, I got a small kick out of watching old boy go crazy and I knew it was a BS attempt to get him to leave me.

Nick
Nick
7 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

What was wrong with his fingers that he couldn’t Google for himself? “Sorry love that I cheated. While you still fulfil your role of secretary / wife for me”.

I hope you did hope on the nearest computer and tell him, “Huh, that’s funny. Turns out Google thinks you’re a piece of shit too”.

Nick
Nick
7 years ago
Reply to  Nick

*”Will you” not “While you”.

Linden
Linden
7 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

Still, he should have wrapped that rascal. What an imbecile.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

Or that she was using birth control.

Let go
Let go
7 years ago

Andrew, so many of us forget that for every cheating man there is a cheating woman. Because men do not blog about this as often we forget that there are heartbroken husbands just like heartbroken wives. I am so sorry this happened to you. Your wife has checked out of the marriage completely. She appears to be a selfish, whiny woman who has maneuvered you for years. Marriages are set in concrete and we develop habits, sometimes bad, sometimes good, so trying to get that marriage fixed is like blowing up concrete. Don’t even try. The only person you can change is yourself and the first thing you need to do is get your ducks in a row. Document document document. Courts are not allowed to feel sorry for you. You have to present facts. If you can show that your wife is pregnant by another man your state may allow a lot of leeway. Other states do not. If you think that your state and the attorney you talk to are not in your best interest then think about….. if you can possibly choose an option to move across state lines. If you can keep your job so much the better. Your priority is your son. He loves his mother. He might say he hates her but he still loves her. That’s biology. You probably love who you thought she was. These emotions are going to take time. Right now your legal obligations and your son should be primary. Think about the house if you can. Do you really need it? I often wonder why we all feel compelled to have grass. If you do not have a grazing animals why do you have grass? Think about getting out of that place that probably makes you mow the grass, rake leaves, fix gutters, and generally do maintenance when you should be doing something else that gives you pleasure. My suggestion for any man who is single and wants to live on his own, is to find a small cabin in the woods with nothing but trees. You need a screened in porch, a kitchen, a family room, a couple of bedrooms, a bathroom and nothing else. You will find so much more freedom when you get rid of all the trappings of this 21st-century life. You pare it down until When you wake up in the morning you can think about finding joy in your life and not the burden of all the stuff that you carry with you. You sound about the age my brother was when he died and I can tell you that the house he lived in meant nothing to him, his family meant everything. GO GET THAT ATTORNEY ASAP!!!

uniballer1965
uniballer1965
7 years ago
Reply to  Let go

Exactly. You would be shocked at how many are bad at math or (I assume) think that men are having affairs with other men. When I question the conventional wisdom that men have more affairs than women I ask them with whom do they think the men are having their affairs, other men?

A small percentage see the light and admit they never really thought of it. Others start offering excuses for the woman suggesting she didn’t know he was married or some other such marginalization of the idea that affairs are a gender neutral activity “enjoyed” equally by both men and women.

mickeyblueeyes
mickeyblueeyes
7 years ago
Reply to  Let go

‘My suggestion for any man who is single and wants to live on his own, is to find a small cabin in the woods with nothing but trees. You need a screened in porch, a kitchen, a family room, a couple of bedrooms, a bathroom and nothing else.’ – <<This!

I was in Andrew's shoes 2 years ago (not with a pregnant wife though!) 'Let Go' is right…I argued over the family home and tried to get my cheating STBXW to leave, but she wouldn't, it was her home, she had furnished it etc…

Fine i thought, stay in the house we'll let the lawyers sort that out in the divorce. I got my shit together, spoke to my dad who loaned me the money to put a rental deposit on an apartment, bought some cheap but decent furniture. It was small ,but comfortable, 2 of my kids shared a bedroom, me and my eldest son shared the other bedroom. when my kids stayed I slept on the couch and my eldest stayed in my bedroom (i made sure he had fresh sheets etc). I was there for 6 months, it wasn't ideal but it was a place to get away and start healing.

It's amazing what you can do when you have control back over your life, I managed to save up enough for a rental deposit on a 4 bedroom house after 6 months, we all have our own bedrooms a small garden – its not mine, its not ideal but it works and we are happy.

I'm still in the process of sorting out what we do with the family home and its a long battle and still not fully recovered, but you have to get out for your own sanity and to start discovering who you are and what she is!

Also are you 100% certain she is pregnant? She's a liar, you won' believe what depths these disordered types will go to hide the truth. It sounds terrible but don't be surprised if all of a sudden she miscarries…I've heard of cheaters claiming they have cancer for the sympathy and attention..sorry that last paragraph sounds like an awful thing to say and I thought twice about posting it, but don't under estimate how low they can go.

{Man hugs}

hopiumrecovery
hopiumrecovery
7 years ago
Reply to  mickeyblueeyes

Durtbag tried to claim he had some brain/neurological problem. I didn’t bite and he dropped that pretty quick, only to replace it with another crazy pity play and then another. This week he was just cold as ice and trying to keep a lid on his rage because I refuse to see him without non-biased witnesses in attendance.
Andrew and his son will be better off without that kind of low rent crazy in their lives. It sucks I know, but give it time and the trauma bond love/hopium will mostly be replaced.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
7 years ago
Reply to  mickeyblueeyes

Saddam refused to leave our home and I couldn’t afford to rent a place and pay the bills on ‘our’ house, it was mine to start with. He nearly killed me! sometimes you need to think bigger, especially if your spouse has become scary abusive. I was too practical and didn’t want my home of over 20 years to go into foreclosure. The trauma was not worth it. OTH if there is nothing like that many people can’t afford to leave when their disordered asshole won’t pay the bills if you do, so tellining him leave regardless can just cause more stress to someone who feels pretty powerless already

mickeyblueeyes
mickeyblueeyes
7 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

I went to see every lawyer in our small town within 3 days of finding out, I got my free hour with all 3 firms, picked the one I least wanted to have an argument with… My father told me ‘if she’s a pit bull…hire her/him”.

Where I live if you even have a free meeting with a lawyer/firm the spouse cannot approach that firm to represent her as its a conflict of interest, I didn’t know this until I met with the last firm I spoke to. This meant my stbxw had to drive 20 miles cross state to the next law firm. ?

On a serious note..get a lawyer, don’t feel sorry for her…she’s a shit!

Marci
Marci
7 years ago
Reply to  mickeyblueeyes

Mickey…great advice for the OP’s situation. What Andrew may need from us is a to-do list. Figuring out what to do in what order is so hard when the emotional turmoil hits.

renewed
renewed
7 years ago
Reply to  mickeyblueeyes

“I’ve heard of cheaters claiming they have cancer for the sympathy and attention..sorry that last paragraph sounds like an awful thing to say and I thought twice about posting it, but don’t under estimate how low they can go.”

My ex claimed cancer.

Traveling the World
Traveling the World
7 years ago

Andrew, the Chumplady’s advice is sound. Get a lawyer, then, according to his/her advice, get out with your son. Then, get some therapy.
You will feel SOOO much better once you get out of there. Your son, though conflicted, will most likely realize who blew everything up and who didn’t.

Renewed
Renewed
7 years ago

This is a horrible situation. Before you do anything of it if your beliefs pray and seek guidance enjoy your next step. Please know that any shame that you may feel, anger, confusion is normal.
Breathe.
Find a good attorney before you leave the marital home. You don’t want to do anything that may be viewed as abandonment. It’s sometimes harder to get back into the home once you leave. You also don’t want to set up any precedent that you can pay for two places as well. Your attorney will help you develop a good strategy as well as your rights within your state.

Finally I may as someone else suggested inviite a relative or friends to live there with you as a diffuser to help you maintain your sanity and son. A woman that feigns pregnancy may also falsly accuse you of abuse.

Besides you and your son there is another innocent that just may be your unborn child.. Prayers for all involved.

Renewed
Renewed
7 years ago
Reply to  Renewed

Auto correct..should say see guidance before your next step.

LIningUpDucks
LIningUpDucks
7 years ago

Hugs to you. That is awful and you need to save your sanity as CL explains. Save your son, and save yourself, so you can be sane for your son. He needs a good, solid father right now.

andrew42
andrew42
7 years ago

Thanks for the reply CL and all the comments, she has an appointment today about the pregnancy and yes he did turn up must to my amazement.
The lad is a total arse, why did he have to take my wife, why couldn’t he get someone his own age.
She is as much to blame and I know she’s being throwing money at him left right and centre.

My problem is that although I know she is rotten to the core I feel that deep down I love her and right now I’m not strong enough to say ‘go to him your his problem, not mine’

Aeronaut
Aeronaut
7 years ago
Reply to  andrew42

I know this is six months out, but here’s a truth I learned from my divorce.

It doesn’t hurt to love the person she was, or at least who I thought she was. The reality is that she is someone different now, and I can’t love that person. But the love I had for who she was is real, and is still part of me. I’m sad that person is no longer in my life. I’m glad the person she is now is not in my life.

Your situation SUCKS. We all feel for you. You can take the time to work out all the details of how you feel about you, and who she is, and who she was, once you have separation and some closure. Right now, you need to get that separation and closure, and protect yourself and your son. If she won’t leave, the two of you should (subject to the advice of a good lawyer).

(((Hugs)))

aeronaut

Jim
Jim
7 years ago
Reply to  andrew42

I loved mine as well. She didn’t return it. How many more years do you want to waste?

chris1731
chris1731
7 years ago
Reply to  Jim

Jim,

Really, that is right to the point! Who wants to be with someone that doesn’t love!

It’s a real shit Sandwich when you have kids though…. I have to daughters. One is 20 the other is 15 and on 3 yrs left to not have to deal with her.

Roberta
Roberta
7 years ago
Reply to  andrew42

Andrew, it hurts like Hell to tell them to go to the OM/OW. That they are their problem now! But sometimes it is the most difficult things we must do that bring about solutions or closure to our situations. You have to grit your teeth and show some “tough love”! These are what I view as defining moments because people are forced to make choices. I filed on my Ex and after fighting the idea of mediation I changed my mind and agreed. Best thing I ever did. Or at least one of the best things. I also kicked his butt out and made Schmoopie responsible for him and his declining health. Needless to say that after a two year love fest on every weekend, the stress of everyday actually living together lasted only four months! Sometimes you just have to make the hardest and most heartbreaking decisions that will bring about a better life for you and your children. It’s not about the cheater anymore, it’s about you and the family!

noelblessed
noelblessed
7 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

Roberta,
Thank you. This really helped me today!

noelblessed
noelblessed
7 years ago
Reply to  andrew42

Andrew,
I am so sorry you are having to go through this. When you are faithful and you invest so many years into your marriage and family it is not easy to think about letting go. I am only 22 days separated from my husband. One thing I have realized is that the most healthiest and best decisions for my life will more than likely be the most painful and difficult decisions for me to make. Deciding to walk away or to stay is never a easy decision. I still love my husband deeply and this is really painful. I truly believe my decision to walk away is defiantly the best decision for me even with all the pain and hurt that I currently feel. I wish you the best in your situation. Sending huge ((hugs)) your way.

Bee
Bee
7 years ago
Reply to  andrew42

Andrew we know that you love her.
But this is not the time for feelings. You have a very narrow opportunity window to do things right so that it will benefit you and your son for years to come.

I was crazy in love with my husband and wanted to stay even though he did not work, had an affair and wanted to have us both… Cake eater.

Luckily had a friend who works in family court and she told me:
“This is not the time for loving and crying even if thats the only thing you want to do.
First get the permission to take the kids out of this country so that you can go back to the UK, get some money and divorce his ass.
Use the time he is “cunt-fused” and feeling guilty and get all you need!!!
Once the shit hits the fan, the opportunity is gone”

Which basically means that once your lovely wife gets the taste of reality,
It will get much harder to protect yourself and your son.

Let me tell you, four years on, leaving this selfish, lazy asshole was the best decision of my life.

SabineSavoy
SabineSavoy
7 years ago
Reply to  andrew42

Andrew:
I am in a waiting room right now…for medical help with a BRAIN INJURY because I loved someone even though “I KNEW HE WAS ROTTEN TO THE CORE”.

Go back and read what you wrote. Loving someone who is ROTTEN TO THE CORE will destroy your sanity and your health.

I am not being mean. I am trying to help you.

Go up to the top up the this site and reread the basics of cheaters and their nature CL has written. It is all true.

Your wife was naked, and allowed another man to fuck her. Many times. You said above she spent YOUR money on another man. *She violated ever promise she ever made to you*

Andrew- get strong to walk away from someone who would so willingly kick you in the teeth for her own pleasure. If you stay with her, she will have dose after does of misery for you and your son.

She willingly took you and your son’s life and just shit all over it. Don’t be her janitor.

Think with your mind, and not with sentimental fantasies or HOPE. This is what brings us down.

andrew42
andrew42
7 years ago
Reply to  SabineSavoy

Your right, she will destroy him just like she has done to me, she has no feelings for what she’s done.
Yes this is the woman who told the OM that we weren’t sleeping together when in fact we were even to the extent that the Friday before this all happened on the Monday we had sex.

uniballer1965
uniballer1965
7 years ago
Reply to  andrew42

Look, as one male chump to another, words are cheap. Back in 2003 I was sorta where you were, but no bun in the oven. I thought I failed her. That her affair was my fault, etc.

It took me 6-9 months to get some real clarity.

But here is the deal, words are cheap.
You can’t trust what she says.

Trust what she does.

She had an affair.
She got pregnant by another man.

I have another idea for you. Don’t give her the chance to decide. YOU DECIDE what you are going to do. If I were in your shoes, it would be getting her out of the marital home ASAP. Protect YOUR child. Be the adult here.

You may “feel” like you are in love. The deal is, you are in love with something/someone who doesn’t exist. Your love for her is as much a fantasy as her affair was. Her affair exposed the fantasy nature of your marriage.

No judgement here, I was there too. Someone who loves you doesn’t have an affair. If you love her, but she doesn’t love you, you don’t have a marriage, you have an unhealthy relationship.

I don’t really give a rip that she’s pregnant. She needs to be out of the home.

See a lawyer, protect yourself and your child. Get her out of the home and get her signed up to start paying you some child support for your kid while she’s gone. Get it documented that the child IS NOT yours.

This is the time to put those feelings in a compartment somewhere and do what is best for your kid and you.

It’s like the oxygen mask on a plane. Get yours on first and then take care of your kid. Address that first.

Then believe nothing she says and everything she does or doesn’t do.

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago
Reply to  uniballer1965

As another male chump, Uni is spot on. It took me several months to break free. Forget what society has taught us. This is NOT your fault! I dealt with that for a long time. My fault she cheated because of xxx. That’s bullshit! She cheated because she wanted to. No the marriage wasn’t good but I sure as hell didn’t take the opportunities I had to cheat. I was faithful. Your a good person. It’s going take time to fall out of love. I’m about 14 months out and still have days I feel love for her. My heart is finally catching up with my heart though. I now almost immediately switch focus to how she betrayed me and lied to me when that happens. You will get there too. It totally sucks but you have to do it.
Andrew, please seek legal counsel. A year from now you could be screwed for life if the court determines you should support this child even though it isn’t yours. It happens. That should scare the shit out of you! The court ordering you to support a child that isn’t yours would be a lot worse than leaving someone you thought you loved. Get ahead of that situation now! You need to take action on that tomorrow. Hope you come back for support and to update us.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

lostntx -‘t’s going take time to fall out of love.”

^^^^This. This is what I figured out towards the end. I suffered terribly because I really didn’t care (at first) what he did, I just wanted him to love me like I loved him.

The erosion of that ‘love’ for 36 yrs just rotted away after 3 yrs of getting out of each others’ lives.

And, I realized I had to fall totally out of love with him.
It was so gradual and painful and I kept falling apart over it….how could he leave our dogs? how could he be this cruel that he could say or do that….what an asshole during the divorce process….

And, one day, I realized I love him much less and wonder what I really saw in him.
I certainly didn’t see cheater, liar, thief, controller, meanie.
But I sure as hell see it now.

I suppose I’ll always love him in a nostalgic way . . but I always FORCE myself into how he tried to kick me out of my own home to move the scrotum-supportor in. That kills my little ‘fantasy’ for the rest of the year.

Kbchump
Kbchump
7 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

Great points. It’s taken me about 2 years to fall out of love with my ex after she cheated and dumped me. It’s so gradual but complete no contact is the way, and yes I will start thinking of her but jolt myself back to reality when I remind myself how she imploded the family. To think 24 years together and she had to start cheating and lying just as our daughter was entering her last year of high school. What a bitch. I could hear she got run over by a train and I wouldn’t give a shit now.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  andrew42

SAME! Told the OW our marriage was over and sexless. We had sex in the afternoon and then he went to her place and had sex with her later ON THE SAME DAY. Disgusting. I did not agree to be a willing participant in this sort of filthy arrangement. I’m sorry but do NOT believe anything your wife is saying. The magnitude of a cheater’s dishonest is astounding! A free-for-all indeed.

Annie Get Your Gun
Annie Get Your Gun
7 years ago
Reply to  andrew42

Had sex on Thursday, DD the following Friday. I hate him for that too! Get a lawyer now and start the process. Please do not rely on those love feelings you still have to cause you to be financially responsible for this child for the next 21 years.

If you can’t listen to the women on this site right now that’s okay, listen to the men. They have your back and will tell you the truth.

Anita
Anita
7 years ago

All cheaters tell the co cheater they aren’t having sex with the spouse. I can’t guarantee my ex told his whore that but I bet he did.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  andrew42

So typical. These cheaters tell the other person they aren’t having sex, when they are full well having sex with their spouse, affair partner, others, etc. It’s a free for all. Yet, they claim they are prudes and not having sex with others. Rrrrrright. They’re not having sex, like I’m Mother Theresa.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  andrew42

You don’t have to tell her to leave. You need to get a life plan for yourself and your son together. You can love her to the end of time. But that won’t make the baby go away or turn her into a good wife and mother. If you can’t be strong for yourself, be strong for your son, who needs to see that you won’t tolerate this abuse.

You are still in shock. Turn off the money faucet. Protect yourself. When the OM walks away or she kicks him to the curb, she may turn back to you not out of love but to further use you and take advantage of you. It’s fine to still “love” the woman you though you were married to. It will take a while (and some counseling and reading about disordered people) for your heart to process what your mind knows. For you to stop wanting to turn the clock back to the point where you trusted her, even if she was not trustworthy.

Get some legal advice. Take control of your finances. Figure out what you want–who you are as a man and how you want to live.

mickeyblueeyes
mickeyblueeyes
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

“Figure out what you want–who you are as a man and how you want to live.”

This for me is what it’s all about…once you get out and start to make sense of it all you will realise it was her all along and not you, and despite the shit you will have to deal with even years down the line you will be happy with who you are as a person and…

THAT IS ONE GREAT FEELING!

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

+1 GREAT ADVICE

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago
Reply to  andrew42

Andrew, I am so very sorry you and your son have to endure all this!

“My problem is that although I know she is rotten to the core I feel that deep down I love her and right now I’m not strong enough to say ‘go to him your his problem, not mine’”

It is very super painful and extremely frustrating the time and effort it takes for our heart to catch up with our head. Really facing the fact that the person I thought I was married to only existed in my head was the most devastating yet the most liberating realization of this whole mess.

Reading books on Cluster Bs and going through a hell of a divorce helped me put down the hopium pipe and stop spackling. What I was left with is seeing my X as he is: a world-class duplicitous liar who has an oscar-worthy poor sausage routine so ingrained I believe he actually believes his own lies. Then he falters in his actions, and blameshifts and gaslights because he can’t face his own failures. He is not aging well, and almost two years post-DDay, I still mourn the husband I thought I had.

The sooner you detach from her and go NC as much as possible, the more you will be able to mourn your wife and see the pregnant person you are married to as she truly is: a duplicitous disrespectful cake-eater.

In addition to the excellent advice from CL and CN about lawyering up and addressing living/communications arragement, I would add to start doing as many things with your son as possible without your STBX.

Your son is 14 (cue to raging hormones) and you have a lot of rage to get out of your system, so I would suggest you start doing some intense sport together (e.g. krav maga, tae kwondo, mountain biking). Schedule 2 times a week and at least once over the weekend, this will give you both something to look forward to and will be a sane, healthy, rigorous physical activity heaven you can rely on to get away from the insanity and drama she is creating in your lives.

(((Andrew)))

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

Chumptitude I don’t have enough hands to applaud you for that well thought out bit of wisdom that you just delivered. Your ex had to have been the biggest idiot to have chosen not to embrace your fabulousness!!

YOU deserve the absolute best life has to offer and i have a funny feeling YOU will get all. Smiles to ya!

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago

Thank you SureChumpedAlot, for your kind words! Despite the ongoing shit sandwiches and the hurt of being cheated on, I believe that my best days are ahead, in the land of Meh, surrounded by stellar chumps like you :)!

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

Smiles again to you….FYI….I just put a little seasoning on my shit-sandwiches and gobble em up – doesn’t even taste like shit anymore.

Renewed
Renewed
7 years ago
Reply to  andrew42

I know you love her, it’s 20 years you’ve invested in your family. Do you have someone close to talk to, family, counselor, priest, men’s group?
Have you talk to an atdifferent attorney yet?

Renewed
Renewed
7 years ago
Reply to  Renewed

Autocorrect!!!

kb
kb
7 years ago

Andrew:

I am so sorry for you and your son. I am also sorry for that unborn child, but for different reasons.

See the lawyer YESTERDAY! Chump Lady is spot-on with this advice. Do not tell your wife that you are seeing one. She doesn’t have to know. You do not owe her this information. Just find out your rights in your state. Get your ducks in a row before you tell her.

And get the therapy. You need a therapist. Your son needs a therapist. He’s just been rejected by his own mother, and he needs to work through this to see that it’s not his fault.

Also, brace yourself. Once Baby Daddy disappears because he was in it for the fun and sex, and not because he was in it for twu wuv, and once your wife sees you’re serious about divorce, she’ll try to hoover you back in. She’ll tell you she had a midlife crisis, she was lost in the fog, etc. Between trying to shift some of the blame on you (she did it to get your attention!) and distancing herself from her own responsibility, she’ll have you spinning around.

Stay strong on this. Model to your son that some things are deal-breakers. Show him that you are dealing with this in as clean a manner as you can, and that you are following the rule of law in the divorce. Keep it as clinical as you can around your son, and vent with your therapist.

Hugs.

andrew42
andrew42
7 years ago

Today I saw them walking in town together like loves young dream, it makes me feel sick.
She will expect to come back here tonight like nothing’s happened.
I hope that the OM does get bored and runs, hopefully then she will see what she’s actually thrown away.

I’ve got a recording of them talking on the phone and she clearly says ‘I want to destroy him’ …….. Well you’ve pretty much done that love.

I’ve spoken to a solicitor( I’m in the uk) and I can’t legally throw her out, she has a right to be in the house and I pretty much stuck until she decides to make the first move.

SabineSavoy
SabineSavoy
7 years ago
Reply to  andrew42

Andrew, UK is a whole kettle of fish different, and I don’t think any of us are UK Solicitors.

Listen to me: Go to your GP and get on some meds to help you. You sound like you are still in “love” with her (I understand, believe me) and seeing them walk through town…..it is psychological torture. It is too much for you to bear.

She is crazy and ruthless to do this to you. Do you get that at least? You are in love with a crazed, cruel woman who would shove your face in her cheating.

Because you are in the UK, I am not sure how you should proceed but they do have private investigators there. Hire one.

And…I am hesitant to advise anything that would jeopardize your rights to your home, but I am not sure you can maintain sanity and live with her.

Go find the best, most aggressive solicitor you can and figure out how to get away from her without losing property rights or money. As advised above, tell her nothing.

*YOU CANNOT LIVE WITH HER WHILE SHE IS ACTIVELY FUCKING AND MOONING OVER ANOTHER MAN.*

You may snap and do something to ruin your life and your son’s….because your life is not ruined and you can escape this selfish crazed human garbage dumpster. You can…and you will!!!

Is there anyway you and your son could take a breather? The Chunnel over to France, the train up to Scotland…somewhere to clear your head a moment and NOT see them canoodling in town?

Just a holiday…so you can get your mind right. But get the solicitor and P.I. lined up first.

SabineSavoy
SabineSavoy
7 years ago
Reply to  SabineSavoy

And remember this: Breathe. THIS IS NOT A REFLECTION OF YOU OR YOUR WORTH. It is not a measurement of your attractiveness, your sex appeal, your desirability, your worth as a husband.

IT IS NOT.

She would have cheated on you if you were a billionaire who looked like….the younger Brad Pitt and had the charm of Clooney and the mystery of Daniel Day Lewis.

She is just a selfish, mean critter who is greedy and wanted to fuck some strange young dick. Sociopaths gets bored easy. She acted on a primitive base urge and did not care what happened to your FAMILY when she did that.

It is as common as dirt and MEANS NOTHING. This site has had over 10 million hits. That is how common these scumbags are.

She is in for a big, big shock. Because even if the 26 year old showed up for the first appointment (I guess the novelty of it)….40 is over the hill to that age group, as Roberta aptly pointed out.

When the hemorrhoids, varicose veins, constipation, cravings and weight gain come, scumbag will want to be out clubbing and dropping Molly with 21 year old hotties with navel rings. Not getting your wife fish and chips and rubbing her swollen feet and tucking in early with the telly on.

So, do not feel like she has a golden future ahead of her.

HER CHARACTER IS HER DESTINY. And it is rotten.

hopiumrecovery
hopiumrecovery
7 years ago
Reply to  SabineSavoy

Great post Sabine. So true.

andrew42
andrew42
7 years ago
Reply to  SabineSavoy

I’ve got crystal clear recording of them talking together, the first one is very sexually explicit from both of them, then they go on to talk about looking at places to rent ( this recording is how I found out in the first place)
Then they talk about the pregnancy tests she’s done, you see I found out before all her plans were in place to just leave.
Even though I have all this the uk courts will not use it as evidence and will divide everything 50/50

Mehphista
Mehphista
7 years ago
Reply to  andrew42

I divorced in the UK, and fifty fifty is all you get from proceeds of house, etc. But if your son lives with you, then she will owe child maintenance.

And you also need to get out from under the pregnancy, real or not-you do not eant to be liable for your son’s half sibling. How that flies and whether they have any sort of relationship is on him.

As I said in the forum, Run, Forrest, RUN!

Yes, you still love her, and that will end up killing you if you don’t wake up. It will also effect your son horribly, so if as a tormented lover you are sitting on the fence, then wake up, be a real dad, and get your kid the fuck out of this situation. I speak from dire experience-my kiddo was 12 when all this shit hit the fan, and resulted in her having ptsd, self-harming and ultimately suicidal ideation. You don’t need that on top of everything else.

Your wife is a snake. Get out.

Meh

SabineSavoy
SabineSavoy
7 years ago
Reply to  andrew42

Go consult with another solicitor. UK has the toughest slander/defamation laws in the world. A crafty solicitor can come up with something that can bitch slap her for adultery. There has to be a way because there are nasty British divorces where there is a “victor.”

If you are close to London, that is where the shark solicitors will be.

The first solicitor you meet with may not be the best one.

I am an American lawyer, and some lawyers are lazy. When they catch wind a case will be “hard” they they are not interested in having to roll up their sleeves and duke it out.

So, they are discussing an apartment? *Encourage her to move out with him, very nicely.* That would be perfect. Let them sign the lease with the property agent and be on the hook for her living expenses.

I know your heart tells you that you want her to stay, as hard it is to believe, after her betrayal. But, this is not a good move.

You might lose your mind, or lose it and she could call the police and then she will hold ALL the cards if there is even a whiff of domestic disturbance. They talk of destroying you. This is a dangerous person.

Andrew…go find another solicitor. One who likes to fight. I am thinking of your protection.

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
7 years ago
Reply to  andrew42

Make sure you secure a fantastic lawyer. Right now, you’re not going to be thinking clearly, so you need someone who can do it for you. I can’t stress how important this is.

Sweetz
Sweetz
7 years ago
Reply to  andrew42

Perhaps you can get her a place then? Also, I do not recall you saying…but did you have a vasectomy in years gone by? Do you own the home or are you renting? Lots of things for your brain to consider while your heart catches up.

You are not “stuck”…you can take your son and leave, and then sort out the housing and finances over time. First things are first. Get her a place if possible to get her away from you…or move out yourself. As long as you stay, the Court might look at that (along with sleeping with her) as your forgiving her. Dont let that happen.

andrew42
andrew42
7 years ago
Reply to  Sweetz

No I’ve never had a vasectomy, she is adamant it is his and has even said ‘I can even remember the day it was conceived!!!!!!!!!!!!
We own the home in joint names. He has his own place but for some reason she won’t move in with him and refuses to say why.
She is sleeping on the sofa downstairs.
Surely it’s him that should be finding her a place?

hopiumrecovery
hopiumrecovery
7 years ago
Reply to  andrew42

Uh, he probably has a wife, girlfriend or roommates. You deserve so much better than this.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  andrew42

Andrew, he probably can’t support her as well as you do. If she is “in love,” and he could support her, she would be gone. You may not be able to make her leave, but you can sit down and tell her what YOU WANT TO HAPPEN. Do you want her to leave? Would you rather leave? Do you want to sell the house? Or do you want her to buy you out? If you are unwilling to continue with the status quo, she will have to adapt to you. Don’t wait for her to decide. YOU decide.

Linden
Linden
7 years ago
Reply to  andrew42

It sounds like there’s a chance that the baby is yours, then. I wouldn’t let that change your divorce plans, but when you get your legal advice, plan out what happens both ways: if the baby is yours, and if it isn’t. You’re not going to know the real answer for a while.

Marci
Marci
7 years ago
Reply to  andrew42

The way I read this, Andrew, is that your wife is all bluster. The OM has his own place but she won’t move there? It’s probably a bedsit over a betting shop, which is where my Cheater’s OW was! Your cheater’s still in the house because her game was cake-eating…sleeping with him and you at once. She did not expect to get caught, did she?

Naming the OM as father? My guess is she just isn’t sure and is just creating drama to make you move out. Then she can entertain OM in your house. My cheater tried that too while I was on business trips. I just changed the locks and put his crap on the curb. You may not be able to do that, but you do need to see a different lawyer who is more of a barracuda.

I hate seeing men have to leave the marital home when chumped. See if your lawyer advises putting the house up for sale now.

I clearly recall telling myself “but I still love him!” when my brain could clearly see he was long gone emotionally. You actually have a recording of her saying she wants to destroy you. My cheater attempted to poison me. Please…believe them when they want you gone, sometimes they mean it literally.

Look at any recent photos of her…and you will see the evil eye – they all get that lizard-eye thing when they hate you. I gasped when I looked back and spotted his evil stare, which I had never noticed at the time I took the photos.

I still had a part of me that just wanted everything back to “normal”. It just takes a few days to get your emotions clear enough that your survival instincts kick in.

My hope for you is that the eureka moment hits you soon…that she is scum who needs to clear off. I recall waking up in the night and admitting to myself that it was time to get tough. So glad in retrospect that I did. You may have to endure some rubbish treatment but better to start the process now. I suspect they cannot do a paternity test until well after the child is born, so brace yourself to be patient,

Kbchump
Kbchump
7 years ago
Reply to  Marci

Yes the evil lizard eye! When my ex whore came home on a Sunday night after being gone all weekend “with the girls” she came into the bedroom happy as a clam saying “Hi!!!!” to me and our daughter (we were watching tv) and I didn’t respond but just cleared my throat…and she shot me this look of disgust and contempt and turned around and walked away. I threw her ass out the next morning. I saw it was pointless.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  andrew42

She may not want to move in with him, because she may want claims to the marital home. She is pregnant and maybe the marital home is bigger than the OM’s place. I’m not sure of his accommodations, but maybe she figures, she can stay in the marital home, and throw you out, so she can have her baby there and have the OM move in with her. I mean at 26 years old, I doubt he is living in a home like you are, it’s likely to be an apartment. So she is lining up to dig her claws in the marital home. But again I’m guessing. I wouldn’t move out if I were you.

Annie Get Your Gun
Annie Get Your Gun
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

He’s probably living with his parents.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago

Lol, and smoking pot and playing video games.

Manchump
Manchump
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Ha this is funny cause in my situation the om was 27 and lived at home with his mum, and played video games that I prob payed for….

Sweetz
Sweetz
7 years ago
Reply to  Sweetz

And YES…turn off the money faucet or you may as well just hand your cash over to the OM yourself. Shut that down!

marriedtoswine
marriedtoswine
7 years ago

Lawyer up!! In my state if you are married at any time during the pregnancy your husband’s name goes on the birth certificate automatically. Even in cases where the mother admits it isn’t her spouse’s baby he still has his name put on initially, then has to jump through hoops to change it. Lawyer up, find out for sure who daddy is, and if it isn’t yours fight for yourself immediately. Hell if it IS yours fight for yourself immediately, this tramp who wants to walk out on your other son needs to lose custody of this one if you are the dad.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago

Andrew, first off I could not be more sorry about your situation. Of course you need a lawyer so you can consider your options. If you can’t quite find the anger to divorce her then I suggest you and your son go on a trip this summer. Tell her you need space (cheaters say that BS all the time) and spend some weeks going No Contact.

No Contact is the path to the truth and the light. It allows you to remove yourself from the toxic ooze you are living in and then let’s it seep out of your brain. I find six weeks of NC will change everything. You can’t see clearly right now. You need to detox and then re-examine your situation. No calls and no talking at all.

Good luck. We are all pulling for you!

hopiumrecovery
hopiumrecovery
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

AOOK,
You were the one that drilled no contact into my head. It was soooooo hard at first, I felt like I was having several limbs amputated repeatedly, after every “attempt”. Once I did it (two days felt like a lifetime at first) and then stumbled a few times and saw how much happier I was with no contact (holy hell it sucks you right back in….), I was and am so much better. I don’t cry 1/100th of what I did, I do not get my feelings stomped or my expectations destroyed in the off chance I will get a kibble. Of course, when you go nc/gray rock, they try like hell to get kibbles….but once you see it for what it is and not what you though it was or what you want it to be, it loses potency. In fact, it frustrates the hell out of them that you do not react as expected and they no longer control you.
Now it takes a business of divorce situation to get me to communicate. And any verbal or in person communications are either done while it is being recorded, with his knowledge, or there are mutual/neutral people involved.
I promise anyone, as hard as it is, no contact/gray rock is a necessity to restore your power and dignity. You can do this Andrew. It sucks but life will be better than the constant kick in the gut/nuts loving her.

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago

Andrew

Of all the fucked up situations, I so feel for you. I’m not in agreement with leaving your home. Certainly contact a lawyer first before making decisions.

I’m not sure about your circumstances. Are you supporting your wife? If you are it will be costly to maintain two residences. I have been doing this for two years and its is a struggle. Those are heavy consequences for YOU. She is the one who must face consequences. How is she going to explain this to your son as it becomes obvious. Secondly, she may have the scumbag move in your home when you leave. That compounds the shit sandwich especially if she drags out the divorce process. And believe she will!

My thoughts are to hold your ground, make sure it is not your child, and suggest she move out of the home. How uncomfortable will it be for HER to face your son, pregnant with another mans child?

Educate yourself on the laws in your state, paternity, and do get your son into counseling. See a lawyer, make sure she is pregnant, its not yours, and that she is going to carry the child. Hold your ground, stay put and ask her where SHE will live.

Sweetz
Sweetz
7 years ago

He is going to end up being forced by Law with having to finance two separate residences regardless, AND supporting her regardless. So it is best FOR HIM and their SON to get away from her since she wont move out on her own accord. SHE holds all the key cards for the time being…best not to let her use that to hold HIM and their son!

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  Sweetz

That is assuming he is supporting her. This is why I asked him if he was providing all the support. It sounds like she is spending money on the scumbag. Her son is 14, therefore I figured she was working. It is also an assumption the son will live with the dad. We all know cheaters narrative and she is calculating. There is no doubt in my mind the OM will move right into his home. There is another chump here who DID hold his ground and it sucks living with the cheater. He did his homework, stayed in the home. Fuck that shit. Cheaters want to destroy, are entitled, and letting her live in the house is not in his best interest. She’s dumb. I believe she will move out and he does NOT have to support here living with another man. Just another view.

renewed
renewed
7 years ago

Lawyer up and I would not leave my home until your lawyer says so. At nine weeks her baby bump isn’t quite there but it will be interesting for her when she has to adjust her finances as pregnancy hormones are raging. This OM of hers is looking at a future pay date.
If she is trying to destroy you, you need to be prepared for her to do anything to make her case. IKeep that in mind.

Anita
Anita
7 years ago
Reply to  renewed

I hadn’t thought of that, but if she stays married/gets Andrew to claim paternity, OM gets a free ride from child support. Ughhhh.

Annie Get Your Gun
Annie Get Your Gun
7 years ago

Andrew,

I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I haven’t read all the comments, but agree with those that I’ve read. Get a lawyer, quickly. I know this is going to sound weird because of your emotional state, but under no circumstances let her convince you to have sex with her. NY considers sex after affair discovery proof of forgiveness and the clock resets. If she is pregnant, this may also mean acceptance of that also. I’m not sure about the second part, but don’t go there and see a lawyer quickly to understand your options.

Patsy
Patsy
7 years ago

OK, I can hear from Andrew’s speech patterns that he is English, so his wife will be covered in her maternity care by the NHS and will be covered by welfare (and possibly housing) benefits after the baby is born. So it is not as urgent as if they were in America.

So sorry for your pain Andrew.

andrew42
andrew42
7 years ago

Thanks guys, I appreciate every single comment, I just feel so alone that to know everyone has took the time to write their comments means a lot.

I know we don’t deserve what she’s done to us both and she’s never apologised ever.
She’s a cruel, cold bitch

andrew42
andrew42
7 years ago

She maintains she doesn’t love me and doesn’t want to be with me but she still is making no plans to move, when she does then it will give me the space to rebuild.
I can’t go away for a few days as she will prob have scumbag round straightaway

andrew42
andrew42
7 years ago

What really gets to me is the fact that she’s prepared to walk out on a 14 year old lad to have another with a scumbag.
Is she having a breakdown?
Or is this just her cruel nature? She’s been a very good wife and mother over the years, this is so out of character

Beth
Beth
7 years ago
Reply to  andrew42

Andrew, I’m so sorry but no, she has not been a good wife and mother. She’s been good at wearing a mask. You are now seeing who she really is and there’s nothing good about her. She is deliberately torturing you. She even said as much according to what you said about the recording. She is enjoying every minute of this. In her mind, she is making you pay for some crime against her wonderfulness that only she perceives. Please, you have to get yourself and your son out of this. If she won’t leave then you and your boy should. Go somewhere safe and take some time to clear your head. No contact is a very necessary survival mechanism for you right now. And I do mean survival. You need to save yourself and your son. If you can get away from her for awhile (or permanently would be even better) you will be amazed at how much clearer your thoughts become. Please do this. Hugs to you.

SabineSavoy
SabineSavoy
7 years ago
Reply to  andrew42

Andrew,
Go on the Home Page and read all of the articles. I would start with the Category “Cheaters Decoded.”

This is critically important right now, because you can’t fall down the rabbit hole of analyzing and unpacking WHY she did this. You could waste years of your life deciphering literally…just a bucket of slop. Even if you put it under a microscope, it is still a bucket of slop.

These articles are the foundation for you move through this without losing your mind.

I had only only been with the Cheater (Drug Addict) for three years, and I am heartsick on all the time I spent trying to “understand” his behavior. I could have learned Arabic. I could have earned a master’s degree.

Start here: TRUST THAT SHE SUCKS.

Start reading.

Marci
Marci
7 years ago
Reply to  andrew42

Andrew, you ask whether this behaviour is out of character. No, it’s just that she’s finally revealing her true character. Did it occur to you this may not be her first dalliance, only this time you caught her?

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  andrew42

Andrew, yes they abandon children without a backward glance. I would suggest getting a therapist to help you understand the type of person capable of this behavior. Be there for your son, and try to maintain some type of normalcy for him. Its very difficult and you need a support system. Trust she sucks. Gather all financial documents, separate accounts, get STD testing, and fined a kick ass attorney. Do not show her your hand. Document everything and put your evidence in a safe place.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  andrew42

Did you ever think that your wife may have a personality disorder? These people always show signs during the relationship, you just don’t know how to read them or don’t understand what they mean. I’m not a professional, but people with borderline personality disorder never really bond with their partners, go through the motions, and are often times promiscuous and when they find someone else, they just leave you out in the cold. Your wife is acting like someone who has that personality disorder.

And during the relationship, usually the weird behavior is directed at others, meaning these people display weird behavior towards others, but not towards the spouse, so the spouse stays and tolerates it, until it gets turned on them eventually, and then the relationship blows up. But read all the previous posts, most of us knew our partners had weird behaviors, but couldn’t interpret them. But they were there. It’s just that now, she’s turning against you. But your wife’s behavior is not that unusual for someone who has a personality disorder, like histrionic, schizoid, borderline, you name it.

renewed
renewed
7 years ago
Reply to  andrew42

Do not expect rational behavior from a person high on triangulation and amped up by pregnancy hormones. At this point she can’t be sure that it isn’t your kid. If she was slepping with you and OM at the same time. I for one have one child that was conceived on a day I know was entirely impossible.
Get a lawyer, demand a paternity test!

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  renewed

Andrew – ‘Or is this just her cruel nature? She’s been a very good wife and mother over the years, this is so out of character?”

I think every single one of us at C/N can ask ourselves this question.
One day, they are great – mine was for 32 yrs..and suddenly a light switch turned off completely.
I felt him chopping my pedestal down, slowly, whittling it away by little hurtful comments…that got worse.

So, when I looked up Brain Tumor and then, ‘Out of Character’ on Google….well, it led me to Chump Lady.

This is what happens when they fall in ‘Limerence’, or fantasy that life is better over there.

It’s actually just Cheater Speak and Cheater Actions.
It’s surprising how many are identical, whether in Nigeria, France, Canada, Mexico or the US.
The pattern fits them all.

“So out of character”.

So sorry.

It sounds like this could be your child if you were having sex regularly.