I discovered this site while trying to make sense of my current dilemma. My husband and I have been together 3 years, married 5 months, and friends for about a year beforehand. We moved to another state shortly after getting married and had our first child 4 weeks ago.
I’m totally in love with my husband and I know how much he appreciates me. He had a bit of a reputation for being a lady killer before we started dating. He has put that behind him. Two weeks ago I received a letter by mail. It was sent by someone claiming to be the “other woman.” My husband denies any wrongdoing and thinks this is just a crazy ex who found out we moved.
I’m hoping that’s the case. Maybe it’s his last girlfriend, who always thought there was something going on between us, is possibly jealous that we are happy together? Or his former friends-with-benefits who claimed to have slept with him while he was with the last girlfriend, (which is why they broke up)? He hasn’t spoken to either of these women in 3 years.
Since reading this letter I have been very anxious and worried, even though I can’t imagine my best friend would betray me at such a happy time in our lives. Can you please help me make sense of this?
Here is the letter:
Hello ______. When I found out about you I knew I couldn’t walk away without reaching out to you first. I didn’t know what I would say. I could just tell you what your husband was up to, but I don’t buy that you could be living with a man and be clueless about his extramarital activities. I also find it hard to believe that you’re some kind of Stepford wife who turns the other cheek while her husband carries on with other girls. What is this, an episode of Mad Men?! You do live in [Chump]ville so it is possible, as the majority of the male population there cheat like it’s a competitive sport while collecting the military benefits that come with having a wife.
If either scenario is true, I have little sympathy as I feel being a doormat is a choice. However there may be one other option I haven’t mentioned.
I pondered this for a while and I have a theory. This is what I came up with: Maybe you’re really a feminist hero! You’re taking one for the greater good of woman kind. Standing at the front lines trying to keep _______ off the streets and away from all the women he could possibly infect with his venom. Unfortunately he must have slithered out of your sights the night he met me. I’m not the only victim he’s made while with you (the Internet is an efficient tool for tools like him), but I know you try your best. Nobody bats a thousand.
One suggestion though, maybe try harder to keep him away from teenage girls. They aren’t smart enough to see his bullshit for what it is, I guess that’s the appeal. The Snap Chat generation is ill equipped for such a predator. That was a particularly disturbing find. Is Monster High a major part of their role playing?
While realizing I was the other woman amongst a sea of jail bait, wasn’t pleasant, at least I could get up and dust myself off. You however have sacrificed yourself to the cause, giving the rest of us a chance to run the other way when he returns home to you. You must have a truly altruistic spirit, and for this reason I would like to pay homage to you. I want to thank you so much for your martyrdom. I can’t imagine the anxiety that must come with that job. The rest of us are grateful that we don’t have to live with it.
As for _______ himself, he has no idea I found out. I won’t return his attempts to contact me but he doesn’t know why. He probably has my number saved as a male friend’s or has a second phone. He told me he wasn’t on Facebook but I found him and that’s how I learned about you. Guys are so dumb. I almost fell off my chair when I found out that he didn’t just have a girlfriend, but a WIFE and BABY! He lied about practically everything else too. Go figure.
I have no interest in furthering communication with you which is why I wrote this letter anonymously. I’m not trying to hold your hand in solidarity here. We aren’t a sisterhood of wronged women. I’m also not apologizing for things that he’s solely at fault for. He’s the only one who should be cross examined, but I guess I could be a little more forthcoming with details. TMI maybe. We’ve had sex in his black Silverado truck a couple times (my place too), he likes to be dominant in bed, he calls me Turbo a lot (I don’t know why), I have had to push condoms on him otherwise he won’t use them, he comes on strong when he wants something, then disappears, his dad left at a young age, I may have seen a tin of chewing tobacco in his truck but I’m not sure, he has tattoos, a scar on the back of his left shoulder area, he likes to run, used to live in _____, he thinks he looks like Ashton Kutcher? Oh, and turns out he’s married, with a kid!!! He’s not going to tell you who I am or how to contact me because he’s going to deny it all, that’s what liars do.
I figured I’d give you a heads up and a chance to deal with him however you see fit. Unfortunately I think I know how that will turn out as this is not his first offense nor will it be his last, and women are so quick to “forgive”. I know my tone has been condescending and mean-spirited, but that’s because I’m pissed. I was lied to and the kicker is he will likely not be held accountable at all. Maybe this will inspire you to pull your head out of the sand, but I truly doubt it. Guys like this get away with this kind of shit all the time because they marry pushovers. I don’t feel sorry for you, I feel sorry for the other women he lies too while you enable him. He may be good in bed but he’s not worth my pride.
By the way, kids learn from watching their parents. A woman should command and deserves respect, teach them that! If by some chance you don’t already know, get a PI to find out what he’s up too. Most importantly get your ducks in a row. This guy is gonna fuck you over big one day, that’s just a matter of time. Prepare yourself for the blow and come out swinging when it happens. Your husband is a textbook narcissist. Maybe after you confront him he’ll at least put some effort into acting like he’s trying to change, but you’d be wise to get your shit together before it hits the fan and come up with an exit strategy (start hiding some money and consult a lawyer!). Good luck.
Formerly, The Other Woman
(One of them)
Well, she sure sounds like an OW — condescending, scorned, and… detailed.
But before I get into my advice to you, Ami, I’d like to give a shout out to that special snowflake, “Formerly, The Other Woman” there.
I almost fell off my chair when I found out that he didn’t just have a girlfriend, but a WIFE and BABY! He lied about practically everything else too.
You don’t say.
Gosh, “Turbo,” I don’t buy that you could be screwing a man and be clueless about his marital activities. I also believe that you’re the kind of girlfriend who turns the other cheek while her guy carries on with other women. I mean, surely you KNEW he was a douchebag all those time you did it in his Silverado truck. And your place? Did he tell you he was homeless?
And he comes on strong and then disappears? Yeah, we’re all just SHOCKED that this man is a cheater.
Come on, Turbo. Surely You Must’ve Known!
He was a good liar? Made you pretty promises? Had excuses that were somewhat plausible, until they weren’t?
Yet you find it perfectly understandable how YOU could be duped, but a woman with much more invested, and many more reasons to believe — like a marriage and a newborn — you fail to understand how SHE didn’t know? Fuck you, Turbo. You accuse Ami of being a knowing “martyr,” but then you feel compelled to TELL her? Why?
Because she’s a guided human missile directed at her husband — the person you really want to hurt. So you hate on Ami, the innocent chump, for being the competitor who won the turd.
Guys like this get away with this kind of shit all the time because they marry pushovers.
Guys like this get away with this kind of shit all the time because they cheat with losers like you, Turbo. Maybe you didn’t know, but I think you probably did, because if you were truly chumped, there is absolutely no reason to be so hateful to a fellow chump.
But if you’re an OW? There is every reason to try and blow up Cheater’s world when you aren’t getting what you want.
Now then, to you, Ami — you asked my opinion and my opinion is, yes, this nut is one of your husband’s affair partners. (If it walks like a fuck, and quacks like a fuck…)
I’m really sorry. The truth can often be utterly vile and presented in the most abrasive and hurtful of ways — but it’s still the truth. And it doesn’t make that bitch’s advice bad advice either (however self-servingly given) — protect yourself.
A couple questions for you Ami — your husband had a reputation as a “lady killer”?
His last girlfriend, who always thought there was something going on between us…
Was there? Because you were a “friend” who wound up his wife? Any overlap on that? Any chance you were the OW girlfriend once?
Anyway, I doubt it’s someone from four years ago. Sounds pretty recent to me, if she’d never thought to look up his Facebook before.
It doesn’t really matter which ex-girlfriend or OW it is, what matters is that you have knowledge. You could demand transparency, (and if he’s innocent, he should be at pains to give you every cell record he ever had and do anything to prove to you it’s not true…. something is telling me he’s blowing her off as a scorned girlfriend and is being very pissy.) But cheaters usually go underground, so you are going to have to snoop.
I can’t tell you for certain if he’s guilty (and we always want to presume innocence with the people we love), but here’s something to look for — the mindfuck channel. When you bring this up, if he flips between charm (I’d never hurt you, Baby!), rage (WE’VE ALREADY DISCUSSED IT! LET IT GO!), and self-pity (I can’t believe you don’t believe me! Everyone is always trying to malign me! This is so painful, quit bringing it up!) — you have a cheater.
An innocent person would be compassionate — it would hurt him to see you so hurt. And he would do anything, anything at all to reassure and comfort you.
Something tells me you’ve got the former and not the latter. I’m glad you found us. I’m sure Chump Nation can weigh in with its own advice on what to do. Big hugs to you, Ami.