Dear Chump Lady, He won’t stop texting the OW in front of me

Dear Chump Lady,

I am a relatively new chump. My soon-to-be-ex had what he claims was an “emotional affair” in 2011. I haven’t ever really fully trusted him since then because he has not been transparent about so many things. I have thought about divorce often over the past 6 years, but have been waiting for my kids to get older and for the “right time.”

Last week, I discovered text messages between my STBX and the woman with whom he had the affair in 2011. Among other things, my STBX informed his affair partner that he had “waited and waited until the clock struck 12 so that he could be the first person to wish her happy birthday, baby!” Needless to say, I feel so devastated and distraught that, notwithstanding our 10 million conversations on this subject over the past 6 years during which my STBX assured me that he was not in contact with her, he is in contact with her. (He claims that he has not been in contact with her for years, but of course I do not believe him).

So I have told him to move out. I have consulted with a child psychologist regarding timing. Since my older daughter will be starting her first semester of college far away in a week, the psychologist recommends that we wait until her semester break to tell my kids and to separate. Which means that my STBX and I will be living in the same house from now until then.

In order to make our living situation more palatable for the next few months, I have asked my STBX to commit that he will cease contact with his AP during that time period. I believe he owes me that, after everything he has put me through, not to mention the fact that we are still married and bound by marriage vows. I explained to him that to the extent that we are living in the same house and doing things as a family for the next few months (such as dropping my daughter off at college, attending family weekend, etc.), I do not want his AP hovering within our marriage — I do not want him to be communicating with her about our family events, our conversations, etc., and I do not want to hear her stupid voice through his mouth. I explained that she has been hovering over/within our marriage for 6 years, uninvited by me, and I requested that he cease contact with her for the nect 4 months out of respect for me and our 26 years together.

My STBX responded with all kinds of double talk. He said he didn’t want to make the commitment to me because he doesn’t want to lie to me any more, and it is reasonably likely that he will speak to her. So I explained that communicating with her is within his control and that I am asking him to commit NOT to communicate with her. He responded again by saying he doesn’t want to lie to me any longer. So I asked, “Are you saying that you won’t make that commitment?” He said, “I’m not saying that either. But if she calls me in 3 days, I’ll have to talk to her.” I explained to him that, no, in fact, he could contact her now and explain that, out of respect for his wife, he is ceasing contact with her for the next 4 months and that she is not to contact him. And around and around and around we went. Bottom line, he does not want to commit not to speak to her for the next 4 months while we are still living together/married. Eventually, he did commit, but I of course do not believe him.

So my question is, WTF? How can my STBX betray me so thoroughly and completely and then not agree to my simple and reasonable request to cease contact with his AP for the next few months while we are still living together? What am I dealing with here? Perhaps more importantly, how do I deal with this? It is incomprehensible to me that he could treat me this way.

I appreciate your insight and advice.

So Done

So Done,

Why are you demanding “commitment” from someone who has wholly demonstrated himself unwilling to give you one? Not just on this talking to the OW thing, but in your marriage, period.

Because unwilling does not mean unable? COULD he cease communications with the OW? Sure. He COULD. But he CHOOSES not to.

That’s your reality. He wants to text mushy shit to Schmoopie at all hours in front of you. Because it’s all about HIM. It’s not about you, or your kids, or your daughter going off to college. It’s about his kibbles.

And frankly, humiliating you and disrespecting you with his affair is part of the high for him. It’s triangulation and cake. Your upset delights him and makes him feel central. This has been a six-year cake fest. OW is some kind of fuckwit to lurk in the periphery of your life waiting for her cake crumbs, but hey, that’s what Schmoopies do. And your cheater freak has to get keep the intermittent rewards going so she’ll stick around and play Pick Me Dance.

So Done, you’re playing Pick Me Dance too and you need to quit that shit. Your Pick Me Dance goes — STOP! Just pretend you’re part of this family for SIX MONTHS until I can give you that divorce! Before it was, STOP the emotional affair! Hey, wife and kids over here! I don’t think this is just “emotional.” STOP being shady! STOP lying to me! Watch me keep our family together! Aren’t we worthy? LOOK at us!

You’ve done a six-year cha-cha to win the dubious honor of being Plan B. The Fall Back Family. The shrubbery, the background scenery to his Great Cake Romance.

You say you’re “done,” but you are not acting done.

This is what DONE looks like — you don’t see a child psychologist — you see a LAWYER first. You do what the lawyer tells you to do. Protect your finances, secure that kid’s tuition, run credit reports (how much did he spend on a 6-year affair? Were there others?), get temporary support orders in place — and have him move out immediately if he needs to text his OW so badly.

It’s called a boundary. And you enforce it with consequences.

You say you’ve been waiting for the “right time” for SIX YEARS to divorce his asshole? It will NEVER feel like the right time. There will never be a magic alignment of the stars in which this decision will not hurt your children and disrupt their lives.

And that sucks, but it’s not as bad as watching their mother be humiliated as a chump day in and day out. Modeling mightiness is always preferable to abuse.

I explained to him that to the extent that we are living in the same house and doing things as a family for the next few months (such as dropping my daughter off at college, attending family weekend, etc.), I do not want his AP hovering within our marriage — I do not want him to be communicating with her about our family events, our conversations, etc., and I do not want to hear her stupid voice through his mouth.

YOU ARE NOT A FAMILY. I’m sorry to wield the 2×4, but if you’re divorcing that means you are NOT a family with him. You do NOT confuse your daughter with “family weekend” or “doing things as a family” for four months. (What? Only to drop the bomb, that oh hey, you were planning to divorce all along?) No, YOU take her to college. YOU go to the family weekend with your kids. Leave him at home with his cell phone. Don’t drag him by his hairy ear forcing him to feign “family” man, pretending you’re all on the A team together.

Start dealing with REALITY. He LOST the privilege of your love and your family. He’s a solo operator, and you’re the badass who doesn’t need him or his disrespect in your life. You can’t control if he talks to Schmoopie, you can, however, control whether you’re in the room, or the same planet, or same marriage.

Quit pleading with the fuckwit and take charge. This is YOUR life. If he wonders what’s changed, tell him you respect him too much to keep lying to him about being “family.” You waited and waited until the clock struck 12, so you could be the first to wish him a new life without you.

Buh-BYE.

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JC
JC
6 years ago

There is never a “good time” to get divorced.

After I decided to divorce my wife, I waited 10 days before telling her. In that period, I got my finances in order, got legal advice, and found a place to live so I wouldn’t be trapped in the same home with someone who had proven so good at manipulating me.

Those were the longest 10 days of my life. And in the 9th night, she came home hammered at 2:00 a.m. after being out at a bar, swapping spit with her OM.

Do NOT prolong this any more than you have to. I am not a child psychologist, but please consider the advice you received along with all of the other considerations (such as delaying for 6 months the *initiation* of your daughter’s acclimation / adjustment to the new circumstances. It’s a form of manipulation.

Yes, all parents must shield their children (at points) from life’s hard realities. But it is still tricking someone into believing something that isn’t true. Please consider if that’s really what you want to do.

Midwest Mom
Midwest Mom
6 years ago
Reply to  JC

I’m in the same boat. Been married 21 years and found out 6 months ago and since then Narc has had multiple online affairs. Two weeks ago he was laying next to me in bed asking a woman out on a date. Thankfully she didn’t take his bait. Follow your attorney advice, make a plan to get him out of your life. College kids can handle this news. My son is 20 and he already knows I’m working on plan too divorce my Narc. Narc doesn’t care how much he’s hurt me in the last 6 months. He wants attention from other women. I don’t want a man I can’t trust.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Midwest Mom

>>”Two weeks ago he was laying next to me in bed asking a woman out on a date.”

This shit is surreal. The unmitigated gall and passive-aggressive hatred is stunning.

Midwest, I hope you are able to get out sooner rather than later. This is blatant abuse.

Midwest Mom
Midwest Mom
6 years ago
Reply to  Midwest Mom

And remember when people tell you that you can’t control him they are right. He’s choosing to do these things and refuses to stop. Narc thinks he’s justified in what he does. He’s going to have a huge shock once I get my ducks in a row.

ANC
ANC
6 years ago
Reply to  JC

Agree 100% with everything stated above.

There is never a right time. Get a very good attorney. Get your ducks aligned and all assets ID’d. For assets spent on the 6 yr romance, once you do the math, add an additional 25%. You will never know the true amount spent on other ‘friends’, and I can assure you that you will find other roaches coming out of the woodwork. Demand a timeline from the asshole and go over it

having a therapist for your daughter is good. Show her that her father is a poor example of how men should treat their SO’s by being Mighty.

So Done
So Done
6 years ago
Reply to  JC

Dear CL,
Thank you so much for your wisdom. It is so true that it will never feel like the right time to divorce, but as you say, “modeling mightiness is always preferable to abuse.” Yes! I want to model mightiness! I do not deserve this abuse. I am “the badass who doesn’t need him or his disrespect” in my life.

I think that the single most difficult thing for me has been coming to grips with the fact that the man whom I loved and married 21 years ago is the same person who has betrayed and disrepected me so thoroughly. It is really hard to wrap my mind around that. I know it is true, of course — I have the evidence to prove it, and yet, for whatever reason, it is still really hard to reconcile that the man I married could do this to me. As I’m sure is often true of cheaters, he is charming and, to the rest of the world, he is outgoing, very friendly, and extremely likable. He is very kind to my elderly parents. My point is, if he were mean, disrespectful, and unkind to everyone all the time, it might be easier for me to wrap my mind around the fact that he has treated me so badly. Anyway, I’m sure I’ll get there, but it has been really hard. Your “no contact” rule has been the best advice I have received yet. When I have no contact with him, I feel light, free and at peace. I feel authentic. When I have contact with him and engage with his lies / gaslighting / double speak, I feel sick to my stomach for a couple of days afterwards. The thing is, he has been lying to me for years, and I am so excited to be free of his lies.

I already have seen a lawyer (several times, in fact); I just didn’t mention it in my letter.

Again, thank you for your response. I AM a badass; I just have to start acting like one. Minute by minute, I’m getting there. This website and your book have been godsends.

Thanks again,

So Done

Ashley
Ashley
6 years ago
Reply to  So Done

Once you put some distance between you and this evil piece of garbage, youbwiplbstartvseeing the red flags that you had missed. I missed them too. You’re daughter is a grown woman now. Show her how a grown woman acts. She wouldn’t choose this life. Do you want to waste 6 more years?!! Get out as soon as you have everything in order. It will upset your kids. There’s no way around it. Mine were 6,1, and in the womb when I left his lying 2 faced coward self. Now I’m a single mom with 3 with no family around and even though it’s hard, I would never go back. I am so happy now. ALSO, you sound just like me. This story, his lies, they are not unique. My ex didn’t care to stop texting/screwing etc. when I lost 20lbs in my 4 month of pregnancy over what he was doing. After I found out about his affair that completely blindsided (he was my best friend, we all worked together, we had a beautiful home, children) I was DEVASTATED. to say the least. 2 days later he went over to her house and screwed her! How you can even get an erection after you just shattered your life, your wife’s life and your children is beyond my comprehension and untangling the skein. Your husband is a monster and you need to divorce him. Please get angry. Please get out. You will find a better life. TAKE HIM FOR ALL HIS EVER LOVING MONEY. put your boot on his neck and do not let up!! He does not care about you or his kids. Let him have the tramp. She will be involved with your kids so prepare for that. My ex leaves my babies with his stupid OW all the time. She’s like a fat ugly nanny he can take advantage of. It’s disgusting but not your control. Please take your life back. I cringe at 6 years!! Don’t waste 1 more day with this scum.

DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
6 years ago
Reply to  So Done

So Done,

I was married to my DOCTOR husband for 35 years before he left for the tundra adventure with his Schoopie, which quite surprised me.

One thing I realized as I tried to wrap my brain around the total betrayal of so much in my life, is that I’ve been projecting MY values and moral compass, onto him. That’s why we chumps are often so confused and baffled by the bastards choices. WE would not have made those choices. We want to believe our choice to stay was valid. So we remain shocked & confused for far too long.

When I filed for divorce, I was shocked to hear each of my children express pride in my choice. It was a bittersweet comfort. They saw through my marriage before I did.

Believe the evidence, protect yourself. You will be doing your children a much bigger favor by protecting their financial future.

So Done
So Done
6 years ago

Doctor’s1stWife&Kids,

“One thing I realized as I tried to wrap my brain around the total betrayal of so much in my life, is that I’ve been projecting MY values and moral compass, onto him. That’s why we chumps are often so confused and baffled by the bastards choices. WE would not have made those choices. We want to believe our choice to stay was valid. So we remain shocked & confused for far too long.”

This is so true. I think it is so difficult to comprehend because we would never have made those choices. We’re just not wired that way.

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
6 years ago
Reply to  So Done

Exactly – WE’RE not wired that way. Doctor’s1st & So Done,
This is so important – they COUNT on our shock and denial to buy themselves cake & kibble. It’s one of the reasons these things last so long and my pain drags on… However, when I stay CL/CN current (daily reading is a must to keep me strong, I’ve learned!), it gets easier and easier to envision a new me and a new life for myself. It is NOT unrealistic to expect loyalty and fidelity – what’s unreasonable is to lie, cheat, mindfuck, manipulate and gaslight and then expect someone to trust you. I am calling the unacceptable unacceptable TO ME. If someone else wants that garbage, good for her/him. I just talked to my therapist about finding a new job and tightening up my list of divorce demands – I am CN mighty! Dead Unicorn, here!
Hang in there, SO Done – youor signoff says it all. Letting go of those images and illusions is painful, but once you do, there are better days ahead – stronger days, days with less triggers…and your kids will thank you. When STBX was hang-dogging around bc I won’t take him back, my daughter said, “He did it to himself, Mom.” BAM! Mic drop! We need to give them credit for being sharp and perceptive.people we mighty moms have raised them to be. So Done – a whole new world awaits you…jump in (chump in?) – the water’s FINE!

junglechump
junglechump
6 years ago
Reply to  So Done

I learned to accept I will never be able to wrapmy mind around any of it… I begged him so many things while I was pregnant with our daughter and he complied to none… no respect at all.

Begging no more, all you get is BS and wasted time anyway.

It hurts but you have no choice. Leave now, today. And dont take him back when he gets the sadsz once he is with schmoopie fulltime.

Nyra
Nyra
6 years ago
Reply to  So Done

I can’t help but notice how he is trying to portray himself as a new creature NOW! He is such a stand up guy NOW that he refuses to lie to you anymore! He’s not the same guy he used to be – the one who lied to you …in the past (ugh)!

So Done
So Done
6 years ago
Reply to  Nyra

Nyra,
Right? Unbelievable. And why would I ever believe him when he says he’s telling the truth anyway?

Longtimechump
Longtimechump
6 years ago
Reply to  So Done

So Done, I danced too. We told our 9 yo son about the divorce at the airport in January when we were returning home from vacationing with the cheater. Son burst into tears and he keeps telling me I should have waited it until he was 12. He thinks 12 is the magic age when he wouldn’t care. My point is: it hurts whenever you tell your kids. It hurts them badly and it hurts you worse for inflicting this pain on them. I cried all the way back at the airports and in planes. Cheater then tried to influence my mom to talk me back into reconciliation (but accept his women loving nature) based on the fact I cried so much. His logic: chump cried, hence she is upset, hence she does not want to divorce me. My mom explained calmly I cried because I was mourning my 12 years wasted and my future hopes flushed down the drain. She also told him I was a strong woman and would deal with it. I did not feel strong then…but it gets better. I am not there yet..heading to a high conflict divorce with international custody issues. This site keeps me afloat when I feel I am drawning. Keep checking in.
Hugs

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Longtimechump

Longtimechump,
Just read your post.
I am so sorry for all the pain inflicted on you and your young son.
Keep being the sane, present, loving parent. Your son’s young heart will learn who YOU are more and more every day.
I love your Mom, she said it like it is.
AMother’s love and guidance is invaluable to us. I miss my Mom every day. Today as my daughter faces a new tradegy, I am there for her. ( she is always there for me too). It is unbelievable how a mother can be there for her child. It is not easy but it is a part of who a mother is.
This shines through in how your Mom is there for you and how you are there for your Son, no matter what.
Thinking of you as your navigate your difficult journey, sending love and many hugs each day.
❤️

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

Tragedy, sorry for typo…

Longing for Meh-ca
Longing for Meh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  Longtimechump

LongtimeChump, your mom is mighty!

Onwards
Onwards
6 years ago
Reply to  Longtimechump

Yay for you Mom. Mine appealed to my mind ther too. Was most put out when she voiced hitherto privately held opinions that he was a bully. So done love your apt description “light free and at peace” and ‘authentic’. Definitely, ????

MomRN
MomRN
6 years ago
Reply to  So Done

So Done,
It is hard to accept that someone so outwardly charming and friendly can also be the same person who is lying and sneaking behind your back- or right under your nose as it were in your case. This facade is exactly that, a facade. Impression management. Many cheaters are very protective of their good image because that ensures a stream of attention kibbles they get from friends, family, potential supply and even YOU! Nice people aren’t always GOOD people. My ex was a soft spoken surgeon who was so generous with kind words and gifts. But he lived a double life and would lie directly to my face, even in the face of truth. A gift is a kind gesture until you realize you’re not the only woman receiving it.
If your interactions leave you feeling down for a few days afterward, listen to that feeling! I think most of us here can relate to that, in fact it was that feeling that allowed me in my own situation to finally walk away and go no contact. Every single time I would try to appeal to his sensibilities, I would feel shame and anxiety for days after and it was because I wasn’t being honest with myself. You nailed it, it’s about being your AUTHENTIC self! Not one of us want to have to try to convince someone to love us. Forgive yourself when you mess up, but take one day at a time. One year ago today I thought my life was over. It was my D Day. Today I am in the best health of my life and not a day goes by when someone doesn’t say to me “You have your spark back”. You will get there too. I cannot stress how much no contact changed the rate at which I healed. Dramatic! You can do this, you are mighty!

StaryEye
StaryEye
6 years ago
Reply to  MomRN

I don’t know if you are a Registered Nurse but nearly all my nurse friends have been chumped and divorced. I call it the nurse curse. Is nursing a risk for chumpiness?

MomRN
MomRN
6 years ago
Reply to  StaryEye

Yea the same traits that draw people to helping professions like nursing are same traits that draw in the disordered partners.

Vastra
Vastra
6 years ago
Reply to  MomRN

MomRN, my ex was also a well-respected and apparently decent surgeon, generous and thoughtful and adored by his secretaries and “yummy mummy” patients (the fact that he called them that was clearly a red flag in retrospect! Clearly all kibble sources). He used to express horror at the infidelities of his colleagues and remind me what a decent man he was.
4 years on I just accept I will never understand his duplicity, and the gas lighting was the worst part of it. Hence the desire not to inflict that on our kids by pretending all is OK – surely So Done’s kids must already sense something is wrong…

MomRN
MomRN
6 years ago
Reply to  Vastra

Vastra, yes we spent many times speaking about others infidelities and he would talk about how “senseless” they were because there was so much “collateral damage” with kids etc. He still wears the mask of a decent human and many still buy the act however the smart ones were so shocked at his duplicitous nature, he was never able to recover his good reputation within the general surgical community.

Hopium4years
Hopium4years
6 years ago
Reply to  So Done

Hi So Done,

It is completely NORMAL to have a hard time wrapping your mind around the fact that this “sparkly” person is treating you (and your marriage vows) with such disrespect.

In my situation too, it was especially confounding because he was so wonderful to my elderly parents as they went through some difficult final years. He went to visit them at their senior building – even without me – more often than my local siblings did. After they died, HE would bring up one or the other of my parents, saying “I miss Ada” or “I miss Frank” (names have been changed to protect the innocent). How can a spouse who does THAT be a deceitful, lying cheater??

I don’t know it was all a big act in order to keep me believing in how wonderful he was (elaborate-and-tailored-to-impress-me image management), or if he actually cared for them. But it doesn’t MATTER now because they would be HORRIFIED if they knew how he cheated on and lied to their daughter!

This kind of person can appear to be a real gem of a human being, when in fact he is deceitful, manipulative, and self-centered. After believing in the fantasy man we thought we married, it’s hard to get used to the harsh reality. They are NOT loyal, committed, or respectful of our feelings. It takes time to come to terms with this.

I’m glad to hear you’ve consulted a lawyer. Good for you! You really have to protect yourself. Refer to Tracy’s book often. And keep coming here. It helps to know there are lots of good, understanding people who are willing to offer you support. And the occasional 2X4 if it’s needed.

Take care, and hang in there!

StaryEye
StaryEye
6 years ago
Reply to  Hopium4years

I don’t know how they can be good people in one way but garbage to their family. My stbx would spend holidays visiting people in a group home. Now I wonder if he had company when visiting them or maybe he really didn’t go to the group home at all. Just a good excuse to be gone on a holiday.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Hopium4years

The other day I was going through some stuff and ran across an old Christmas tag that said “to Chumpinrecovery from the man whose heart you will always have”.

I nearly had a breakdown again because I just couldn’t reconcile the man who wrote that note with the man he is or has become. It is easy to see how I was fooled. Maybe he can reuse it, cross my name out and write hers in. Maybe she will be stupid enough to fall for it like I did.

Longing for Meh-ca
Longing for Meh-ca
6 years ago

Chumpinrecovery, I can so relate to what you found and how you felt. I found a Valentine the other day – from this past February – and read it broken-hearted.Another record of the depth of his lies and double life!

I assumed that my STBX had bought mine & AP’s birthday cards at the same time, since our bdays were weeks apart. My Dday was the day after my birthday & I tore up all the cards he gave me and put them in the top of the trashcan – after I revealed to him that I knew (AFTER I hired attorney, therapist & accountant).

NC IS MAGIC! I, too, feel real and mighty in NC. Lately I’ve been around him too much and that old, sick feeling hits me in the gut. I had outpatient surgery yesterday and he took me. I knew I shouldn’t have agreed to it. I really need a friend to do this – just makes him think he’s that “great guy” he thought he was all along. Ugh!

His latest? He had “decided to end the affair” the day I discovered it. Hmmm? Realy? How convenient? So I asked why – why that day – how could he remember the day…? Had he realized how horribly he has treated me for a number of years? Guilt? Remorse? CL & CN – you’re going to LOVE this: He stuttered to tell me that his adoring AP had started to flirt with another guy who works for him in front of him that day.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago

I highly, highly recommend getting a box and sticking it in your bedroom for now. Whenever you come across a memento, card, letter, a lovely gift like jewelry, or anything that he ever gave you, toss it into that box. EVERYTHING and ANYTHING he gave you that will fit into it. make a plan to have all that crap cleared out by your divorce day. Toss it all in the trash or dump it on his doorstep, whatever you feel like doing.

He moved out of my house in September, and I spent the next 6 months doing just that. I knew I would run across stuff he left behind or that I didn’t want.

On the morning of our divorce hearing, I dumped the box at his back door and I have not regretted it a bit. I do not deal with “running across” a sentimental memory anymore and that has really done wonders to minimize the daily mindfuck.

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Sunflower36,
You are my brilliant heroine! That is genius!
I’m not sure I would return anything to him – he is a loser who deserves to loose more, not benefit by regifting anything to some new chump. I might donate it to a halfway house I know of or melt the gold down for cash…hmmm… way to mighty!

MJB
MJB
6 years ago

Yes he’s a shit. Will always be a shit. I do love the karma though for Mr. Cheater and his sparkly special snowflake!

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago

I used to fantasize about Schmoopie running off with another man. I was imagining that he would then see the error of his ways and what a mistake he had made. Then one of my friends asked “so how would it make you feel to see him become a deeply distraught broken hearted train wreck over the loss of some OTHER woman not you?” Hmm. Maybe that’s not the Karma I’m looking for after all. There really isn’t any way to win.

Chumperdoodles
Chumperdoodles
6 years ago

My cheater and I reconciled. Most days I had felt this had been a good decision. About a year ago, the schmoopie received a cancer diagnosis. Three weeks before I knew, cheaterpants was acting all grumpy and weird. I thought it was holiday blues. I soon found out the real problem. Schmoopie was sick. Really sick. It’s been a real dose of reality to eat this shit sandwich. It’s like you wish all this terrible stuff on these people, then terrible stuff actually happens. It’s one weird tasting sandwich. It’s got a real aftertaste.
I now feel like I’m the bad guy. I should have just left and been done with it all.

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago
Reply to  JC

I will say that getting your ducks in a row before presenting the decree was still a good idea.

HM
HM
6 years ago

Yeah, you can’t control what he does. Stop trying. You do you and let him do him and GTFO and away from him. He’s never going to “see the light” no matter how many times you explain it to him or how many ultimatums you give him. He just doesn’t care about you and your feelings. It sucks, I’m sorry, but “leave a cheater, gain a life”

So Done
So Done
6 years ago
Reply to  HM

HM,
This is so true. I just have to accept that he just doesn’t care about me and my feelings. He just doesn’t.

Cancer Chump
Cancer Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  So Done

Easier said than done, right? I’m having a hard time getting to meh. It feels unreal to me that after 11 years together (8 married) that he doesn’t care about me at all, not even through cancer. Hard pill to swallow after I gave everything.

Merry Meh-hem
Merry Meh-hem
6 years ago
Reply to  Cancer Chump

#Cancer Chump, I feel your pain. After a major blowout that I knew was leading to divorce in 2013, I got a huge contact buzz of Hopium when he committed to sticking with me in 2014 after my breast cancer diagnosis. I won’t tell you what 2015 was like, or the hell that was 2016 when I fled and filed, still bald, exhausted and on treatment. And 19 months later, the jackass is still dragging his feet, trying to stay on my insurance for one more year (why SHE can’t insure his ass is beyond me) but eventually,vwe will be divorced. I finally moved on after a year and I know it’s painful, but you do move on eventually. Especially when you realize how much better your life is – YOUR LIFE, NOT HIS!! He had the massive cahonies to text me the other day and when I stated that we were better off and I was happier now, he continued on as if I had said nothing, reiterating that HE was NOT happier. Is this my cue to GAF? (((Hugs))) to you, and know that even after cancer and cheater narcissists, life can be beautiful.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago

I cringed as I read this letter.

The nuts and bolts of your choices are:

1. Follow CL’s advice — set a boundary and start protecting yourself and your kids (since your husband certainly won’t). See that lawyer.

2. Lie to your kids for the next few months while your husband continues to disrespect you and your kids, lie to your and your kids, and continues to screw his OW.

I’m flummoxed that any child psychologist would tell you that you lying to your kids is optimal. NO. They will feel doubly betrayed — by your husband AND you.

I know it is hard to take in how absolutely horrible our supposed life partners have been … and how horrible they truly are. But you MUST. He’s given you no options. Nothing to work with. Please, take CL’s advice.

So Done
So Done
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Jesss Mom,
“I know it is hard to take in how absolutely horrible our supposed life partners have been … and how horrible they truly are. But you MUST. He’s given you no options. Nothing to work with.”

So so true.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

“I’m flummoxed that any child psychologist would tell you that you lying to your kids is optimal.”

Spot-on, Jesssmom. Psychologists are not always right. Their training is not going to cover every circumstance, and as we all know, infidelity is a special circumstance that only those who have lived through it will understand. Having taught parenting & child development for 20+ years, much of the conventional wisdom on a number of topics has turned out to be wrong, wrong, wrong.

SoDone–your psychologist is wrong. Do not gaslight your children, do not allow them to see you semi-broken for the next 6 months. Have your children see you MIGHTY. Take agency.

So Done
So Done
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest,
Thanks! I intend to let my children me Mighty.

So Done
So Done
6 years ago
Reply to  So Done

Sorry for the typo. I intend to let my children *see* me mighty.

Chickynot
Chickynot
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Agree with the above — my college age daughter, on being told the “news” recently, said, “Wow, I feel validated.” She had always suspected there was something not quite right between us, but though SHE was the crazy one.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Chickynot

I love that, Chickynot, because what those of us who have suffered through a trauma (including the children) need most is validation. Our feelings, thoughts, value, have been invalidated for so long, that even a whiff of validation is a huge relief.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

No person is always right, including psychologists and other professionals. They are, after all, only human, as well.

Sometimes I think this is yet another handicap chumps share: our willingness to trust authority as “right” or “correct.” They aren’t, always.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Done, I copy word for word JesssMom and, of course CL.

And what difference does it make to you if cheater texts OW during “The Big Wait for the College Break”. BTW, a ridiculous and ineffective recommendation: your children WILL be hurt, no matter what, when and where and they are adults!
This shit about about “not wanting to lie to you” is is the greatest example of mindfucking I have read at this blog. It is a facade, putting a smelly goat in the room to look good in the picture.

LAWYER!

So Done
So Done
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

ClearWaters,

“This shit about about “not wanting to lie to you” is is the greatest example of mindfucking I have read at this blog.” Right? My STBX is the master. After having a conversation with him, my head is often spinning, and I am left questioning reality. It’s crazy.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  So Done

So Done —

I got to the point that I questioned my own sanity. When they gaslight and lie so well and for so long … it really messes with the people who loved and trusted them. Sadly, they KNOW this — it’s their goal.

I’m just getting to the other side of all of this, and I promise it gets better. Once I got away from my STBX, the confusion started to subside (slowly, but with certainty).

Sending a hug for strength, clarity, and eventual peace. (((Hugs)))

So Done
So Done
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

JesssMom,
Thank you for your kind words! It helps so much to hear from people who are further along than me. My STBX lies and gaslights so much — it is an art form for him. As I said in an earlier comment above, when I am not with him, I feel light and free and at peace. I feel certain that once he leaves my house, I will be the better for it. I just need to get there.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Also, he’s been having sex with this woman then coming home and having sex with your for the last six years (that you know for sure) …. you need to go to the doctor and get and STD check.

Most cheaters don’t wear protection in short-term affairs. They definitely don’t in long-term affairs.

mil23
mil23
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

This was the worst!!!! And my STBX slept with prostitutes! Thank god my tests were negative! How dare these scumbags jeopardize our health!!!!

DavidB
DavidB
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

They are special….. mine was banging a 26 year old on and off for 4 years. Random hook ups. Never once did she feel the need for protection! Let’s see….. he is 26-30, single…. probably she was low on his list of fick partners…. but she was special…. no need to glove up!

DavidB
DavidB
6 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

Amazing!!! She didn’t want to be tested either. Ended up doing it. Funny thing is she said…. well I knew he was safe from our conversations we had 5 days before the first f fest!
Other notable part is she was on zero birth control. It is mind blowing to try and figure these things out.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

If she’s knocked up while you are/were trying to divorce her, you likely won’t get one if she doesn’t want it. Doesn’t matter if it’s yours or not.

Just another knife twist to you, you chump.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

Same problem here. He was enraged when I insisted that he get an STD test … full-blown rage. Well, asshole, I wouldn’t have slept with you without protection if I would have known you had multiple partners! (Okay, I wouldn’t have slept with him at all … but seriously — I never volunteered for UNsafe sex in my marriage.)

So sorry any of us had to go through that. The lack of care for us is so extreme that they don’t even care if they give us life-long (sometimes life-ending) diseases. Cheaters are assholes (regardless of gender).

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Mine said- she’s a very clean person!
Oh, does she shower every day? Bully for her! ????

24andcounting
24andcounting
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

I asked and he didn’t go but it didn’t stop me from going and getting myself tested. If he doesn’t care (and they dont), you better care enough about yourself to have it done. My family MD couldn’t believe but she was so supportive, professional and compassionate!! GET YOURSELF CHECKED.

24andcounting
24andcounting
6 years ago
Reply to  24andcounting

Sorry it copied my repl

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Not only was I afraid to ask him to get tested, I was afraid he would be offended if he saw the bill from when I got tested. I can’t believe I was so concerned about what he would think of me for worrying about what diseases he might have brought home from his promiscuous girlfriend.

I know he didn’t use protection because he hated condoms and hey, he had the vasectomy so no need. That’s how selfish people think.

Chumpy
Chumpy
6 years ago

Oh Chumpinrecovery – I made my POS pay for ALL of my testing. And I insisted on getting a repeat screeening 3 months after the intial tests. He didn’t bawk. I basically told him you better pay for this or be prepared cause I’m gonna blow up your world. I had already done some stuff and I think I scared the shit out of him lol.

24andcounting
24andcounting
6 years ago

I asked and he didn’t go but it didn’t stop me from going and getting myself tested. If he doesn’t care (and they dont), you better care enough about yourself to have it done. My family MD couldn’t believe but she was so supportive, professional and compassionate!! GET YOURSELF CHECKED.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  24andcounting

I did get checked, I just made sure he didn’t see the envelope when I got the results (negative)

Vastra
Vastra
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Yes I got the rage response too – he exploded “how DARE you suggest my girlfriend has a sexually transmitted disease!”

ANC
ANC
6 years ago
Reply to  Vastra

Ha! I had the same response and then this…. “She’s ‘clean’. Yes. She does have Herpes.”

How this shit cannot be considered Manslaughter or even criminal is beyond me.

Mandie101
Mandie101
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

See usher Raymond. He’s being sued for knowingly giving people sti

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  Vastra

They are so delusional and self-involved.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

*you
*an

I think I need to start drinking coffee. Sheesh!

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Dead ass on JessMom, this!!!!^^^^^^^

Capricorn
Capricorn
6 years ago

Done
This is what I found and find the hardest part of all of this. Recognising him for who he is and not who I think or I want him to be.
I was married to my ex for 23 years. Until I got the hang of looking at his actions versus all of the things he said I was confused. When I actually began to see (and how painful this is) what his actions actually said about how little he cared about me, my feelings, us then I began to gain some traction. This is about what you want, what you find acceptable, how you want to be treated, what kind of life you want. There is a lot of grieving ahead for you but the first step is to recognise that it’s all gone already. What you thought you had, what you may have had has already died, gone, is deceased, has perished etc. What remains is to turn away from thinking about what he does, doesn’t do, says, doesn’t say and to focus on what you want to do in your new single life. Cut your losses. Cut the cord. You must now act like he is a person for whom you no longer have any respect, trust or belief in. Act like it. It will be a while before you genuinely feel this way. I’m sorry but it’s all over it’s just a question now of how to get away cleanly, quickly, least painfully (well there is no painless way) and get to your new life. Who are you? What do you want? You have agency here, use it.

So Done
So Done
6 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Capricorn,
“This is about what you want, what you find acceptable, how you want to be treated, what kind of life you want. There is a lot of grieving ahead for you but the first step is to recognise that it’s all gone already. What you thought you had, what you may have had has already died, gone, is deceased, has perished etc. What remains is to turn away from thinking about what he does, doesn’t do, says, doesn’t say and to focus on what you want to do in your new single life. Cut your losses. Cut the cord. You must now act like he is a person for whom you no longer have any respect, trust or belief in. Act like it.”

These are wise words. What I thought I had is gone. I need to accept that.

mil23
mil23
6 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Capricorn – yes this is great advice!!!!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

“Until I got the hang of looking at his actions versus all of the things he said I was confused. When I actually began to see (and how painful this is) what his actions actually said about how little he cared about me, my feelings, us then I began to gain some traction.”

Their words are used to manipulate, gaslight, and control.
Their actions tell the truth. Don’t close your eyes to what he does (the phone, the lies, the sneaking, the disengagement, the disrespect, the unwarranted anger, the smirks, the lack of transparence, the actual cheating….).

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

That’s who he is.

So Done
So Done
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

LovedAJackass,
“Their words are used to manipulate, gaslight, and control.
Their actions tell the truth. Don’t close your eyes to what he does (the phone, the lies, the sneaking, the disengagement, the disrespect, the unwarranted anger, the smirks, the lack of transparence, the actual cheating….).”

He has treated me with disrespect for years (lies, lack of transparency, gaslighting, changed passwords). He once told me that the reason he lies to me so much is that I “can’t handle the truth.” What? Shame on me.

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

“What you thought you had, what you may have had has already died, gone, is deceased, has perished”

This was the hardest part for me — giving up the idea that I could save our family and keep us together all by myself. I still look back and wonder if there was an exact moment when our relationship died. Or if it slowly got sicker over the years while I kept trying to prop it up and keep it alive.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

“giving up the idea that I could save our family and keep us together all by myself”

This seems to be what STBX expected me to do. Apparently last night STBX told daughter that I was responsible for the demise of our marriage too because I didn’t fight hard enough for him. I did fight for him until I realized I was doing all of the fighting and I couldn’t save my marriage alone. Apparently he thought I should have been able to save it all by myself. Never mind that I had been fighting for our marriage long before DDay (and he never noticed).

(in all fairness to STBX I doubt he started that conversation with daughter. She was probably going off on him and Schmoopie and he got defensive)

Sundlower36
Sundlower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Don’t waste another minute on this “marriage.” He left it a long time ago and all you’ve managed to do for the last 6 years is prolong the acceptance of the disrespect, the abuse, the inconsideration.

You will be happier once you unload the teratomic mass that has been sucking the life out of you without your realizing it. Mine was 160 lbs., and even during the most difficult time of breaking it off, my older kids ( from my first marriage) said I still seemed happier once he moved out… and that was during a time where I sobbed at night.

Unload him. Your kids will be all right as long as you are honest and kind with them. Mine with the cheater are 7 and 9. We’re managing and they are going to be fine. So will yours.

Devastated
Devastated
6 years ago
Reply to  Sundlower36

Dear Done
Please disregard the quack psych’s advice! It’s ludicrous. Your child is about to go off to college. She isn’t so young. She will probably understand and side with you, if you choose to tell her. Staying and putting up a front is terrible, harmful advice.

Regardless, you are really clinging on to threads here. I think somewhere in your mind you are hoping in the interim that he comes around again. He won’t. He’s a monster for what he’s done to you! You need to see that. He has treated you like shit all this time. That’s on him, not you. And now he audaciously refuses to cease contact with her. Don’t put up with it!
Do you realize the deception and efffort it takes to live this way? His double/triple (who knows) life is twisted. He has a personality disorder. These kinds of people can’t be changed. Having a lack of empathy or conscience is their trademark. Do you really want someone like that around you and your kids?!?!
Throw that pos out asap!
If this was happening to your daughter, what would you tell her? Think
Get tested. I should know, I received 2 gifts from my psychopath.

So Done
So Done
6 years ago
Reply to  Devastated

Devastated,
“He has a personality disorder. These kinds of people can’t be changed. Having a lack of empathy or conscience is their trademark.”

Yes, yes, and yes!

FMT
FMT
6 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

I love the idea of “traction” because it suggests the possibility of forward motion. Everything else you’re doing right now is spinning your wheels.

Ditch the child psychologist and hire a lawyer instead. Good luck!

Pret
Pret
6 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Capricorn…I agree with you a thousand percent. You have to stop listening to his words and look at his actions. The devaluing and the discarding was the worst but until you go no contact, you’ll never truly begin to heal. Done- keep coming back everyday and reread the letters in the Archives because I swear, there are some days where the strength you get from them will propel you to the moon and back. One day at a time….it really does get easier.

So Done
So Done
6 years ago
Reply to  Pret

Pret,
Thanks! I love to hear that it gets easier.

Pret
Pret
6 years ago
Reply to  So Done

So Done- I hope this reaches you since I’m posting a day later. It really does get better. On August 18, it will be 7 months since I found out about my soon to be exes affair. I had 3 D-Days because my heart refused to believe that the only man I’ve ever been with for 19 years of my life would be so cruel to me. The man who once loved me more than anything in this world would throw me out like yesterday’s garbage. So I felt the pain and confusion in your letter. I know exactly what you’re feeling as do all of us here at CN. In five days I will begin my new life in a new state with the daughter he gave me full custody of. Three months ago I told my mom I would put all the photo albums in a box and put them on a shelf in the closet. I said maybe a year or two from now, I’ll be able to go through them and take his photos out. 2 mornings ago I woke up and knew in my heart that I was ready to go through those albums and so I did. I am determined that my new life will have no trace of this man…he doesn’t deserve to be part of my world anymore. Does it still hurt? Yes, but not as much as it did 6 months ago, 3 months ago. The turning point for me came when I finally made up my mind to go No Contact. My head became clearer by the day and I was able to see what his actions were trying to tell me. Did it hurt? Like a motherfucker…but it is reality and the sooner I face it…the sooner I can move on with my life. I get to walk away with our daughter and that there makes me the winner. While your daughter is grown, in the end after all is said and done she will see the injustice done to you. She will see that he had choices to make and he chose all the wrong ones. You will be the winner in the end too. It takes time. I’m new at this too and I’m still going through the process but I am so much better than I was months ago and you will be too. Go No Contact and you will soon be on your way to a much happier, cheater free life.

So Done
So Done
6 years ago
Reply to  Pret

Pret,
Go you! Sounds like you are doing an amazing job. You are a great example of Mighty. Thanks for sharing.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Pret

God, I wish I could walk away with my kids and have NC. I feel like shit every single time I have to interact with him. I’m good every other time, but when I HAVE to communicate with him…it brings me down for DAYS.

School will start soon and I am hoping that will help. I am hoping he will capitulate to Ms. Twatwaffles’ desire for him to be Uncle Daddy to HER kids and that she will actively discourage him from having ours around. Let’s face it, the cheating bitch gives lip service to the idea of having my kids around their father. The fact is that she doesn’t want that at all…she wants him and doesn’t want to share him….with anyone else.

She can have him….

Longing for Meh-ca
Longing for Meh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  Pret

Perfectly said, Pret!

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

>>”[T]he first step is to recognise that it’s all gone already.”

YES. This was the hardest thing in the world for me. I think I clung to every small breeze; every cloud in the sky; everything and anything in hopes that I was wrong. How I wanted to salvage my marriage — my family.

But there was nothing to salvage — my STBX had decided that long ago (unilaterally). And I just prolonged my own pain. Pulling the damned band-aid one root and hair at a time. For years.

(P.S. Welcome back, Capricorn!!!)

Longing for Meh-ca
Longing for Meh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Death of the fantasy I was living in is the hardest part. But it efels better every day!
We were together for 31 years, married 29.16. We had had a rocky beginning with addiction (both) and in early recovery he had had 2 affairs (1 EA and one SA, simultaneously,…y’know – ’cause there’s so much good of him to go around, amiright? ). We bought the whole RIC enchilada and “wreckonciled” with the cheering of our 12-Step support people. Had a couple of freaking awesome kids, lost a baby..weathered a lot of storms that most couples don’t survive.
We were UNICORNS, man! People admired us1 One friend told me we were a relationship role model (PUKE!). 2 months, 2 days ago: Dday#3, I discovered a new Schmoopie and nude selfie & hundreds of smarmy texts messages …while mine went ignored & unanswered.(must be a new narc app – to block spousal interference with daily kibble). Tumblers began to click and the vault slowly opened: Pandora’s box…it was like 26 years in between never happened. My denial and addiction to him/the idea of him have to be managed DAILY. NC works best, but I falter. CL & CN are MY LIFELINE! I couldn’t survive without y’all – you mighty warriors for truth and sanity – and some good, old-fashioned snarkiness! HE is doing a PickMe Dance of epic proportions, but my retained is paid and I AM SO DONE. Will NOT spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder and wondering about …who? F that! Me. Only me. That’s been his complete focus (himself – even in “recovery” – as he tries to wreckoncile – everything is about him). Well, it’s my turn.
Ready for what’s next….’cause I know exactly what’s behind me!

Creativerational
Creativerational
6 years ago

Sounds like you have been through a lot. Great job staying mighty! Holy crap.

marriagedetective
marriagedetective
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Yes! Yes! Yes! My marriage from the very beginning was doomed I think as my X was truly AWFUL to me. Year 7 is when I found out about the affair. There were likely others as I look back and I think about it. Coming to grips with letting go and realizing that I was not the person that X wanted in his life, that was so hard. The hardest part was letting go myself. So hard! Took me 3 years of hellish wreckonciliation to figure out that this man was a waste of space and a giant anvil that was swinging around my neck.

Blown Away
Blown Away
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

These were the exact words my adult daughter said to me after she had her first “face to face” with her father two days after DDay…”Mom, there is nothing there.” I will never forget that.

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
6 years ago
Reply to  Blown Away

Wow – they get it! Mine said, “He brought it on himself, Mom.” LOVE her!

StaryEye
StaryEye
6 years ago
Reply to  Blown Away

I hope my kid figures it out someday. He is only 6 and it breaks my heart. Worry about the day our kid doesn’t give as good of kibbles and hope he doesn’t get discarded too.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Blown Away

My then-19 year old said, “He doesn’t get it, and he’s never going to get it.” Out of the mouths of babes.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

And when MOM gets it, she is affirming their ability to observe the real world and make sound judgments rather than spackle or take up the hopium pipe.

LiveForToday
LiveForToday
6 years ago
Reply to  Blown Away

My son said the EXACT same thing. “Mom there is nothing there”

He’s 25

StaryEye
StaryEye
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

That is the worst part! Even now I wonder if I ever knew him at all. Maybe I projected everything I wanted into him and he let me. He didn’t have to do anything. I do all the work while he doesn’t have to even pretend to have character. I am offended he is so passive about breaking up our marriage and family of 15 years but I realize he has not ever invested much into it. No investment lost for him but heavy losses for me since I put everything I had into our lives together.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
6 years ago
Reply to  StaryEye

There’s a sort of weed that grows around my house that covers a lot of ground very quickly, but when you go to pull it out, it comes out so easily, because the roots are tiny little hairlike structures sucking moisture and nutrients from the soil. I can clear a space of three square meters in about thirty seconds. — That’s how I think of XH’s attachment to me: barely there, and just for the nutrients, and oh-so-easily detached. Painful I ever thought otherwise.

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
6 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

Brilliant, NWBiblio!
Apt metaphor if ever there was one! Are those what we call “dollar weeds” down south? (like, I WISH I had a dollar for every one I’ve got to pull up?)

StaryEye
StaryEye
6 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

I think of it like he is shallow with shallow feelings. Doubt he cares very deeply about anything or anyone but himself and his kibbles. His job meet most of his kibble needs so I am more disposable.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

Excellent analogy. Let’s remember that one.

Hopium4years
Hopium4years
6 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

NWBiblio, I LOVE your weed analogy. Roots are “barely there, and just for the nutrients, and oh-so-easily detached.” Exactly!

Sheri Linder
Sheri Linder
6 years ago
Reply to  StaryEye

Yes, the hardest part for me is realizing he was never as committed as I was & he’s not the person he tried so hard to get everyone to believe he was. I was the chumpiest chump of them all

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  Sheri Linder

Sheri and Staryeye…yes to both of you.

I was SO committed and devoted…I did SO much heavy lifting, he barely had to show up. I also put everything I had into our marriage and family. After he died, I found an anger management exercise he did (why? did something happen at work?) and on it, he wrote “I never loved my wife” well, there you go…in black and white for me to see.

StaryEye
StaryEye
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

So sorry unicornno more. That must have been awful to find. From what you have said in other posts it must have been some kind of sick egg hunt with rotten surprises around every corner. I am sure you deserved better and hope you have found some peace.

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
6 years ago
Reply to  StaryEye

unicornnomore,
How heart-wrenching that must have been for you! (((hugs))) I am amazed at you being here and finding your mighty after all you’ve been through. Your experience and wisdom are so helpful here – you are transforming your pain into help and REAL hope for the rest of us. Peace.

Sugar Plum
Sugar Plum
6 years ago

CL is spot on! If he didn’t respect you in the marriage, why on Earth would you expect him to respect you in the divorce.
No way in hell would I be pretending, i.e. lying to my kids, that we were one big happy family. How messed up do you think it will be for your children, especially your daughter, to find out that not only were her parents planning to divorce, but that they intentionally mind fucked her first into thinking everything was so wonderful. That’s going to mess her head up even more. By lying to her, you aren’t protecting her. Just the opposite. You’ll be doing the same thing to her that your husband did to you, pretending he was married to you when he’d really detached long ago.
You’ve had 6 years to get your ducks in a row. Have you? THAT should be your focus right now, not whether him and his pathetic whore text. Is he disrespecting you? Of course he is, but he’s been doing that all along. You say you’re done, so be done. Detach, see an attorney (see several in fact), and start setting things up to be legally done so that he can text schmoopie to his heart’s content without it being disrespectful to you because you are no longer his wife….and fire your therapist and get one who doesn’t encourage you to mindfuck your kids.
You deserve so much better, but nothing changes if nothing changes.

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago
Reply to  Sugar Plum

These types of situations are so difficult. Getting through big family events with a marriage that’s on the fritz is tough. I have a friend who pretended to still be a family to get through her child’s wedding. I had to fake being happily married over Christmas with a house full of guests. Nothing feels sicker than having to pretend things are okay when they’re going to hell in a hand basket.

So Done, please don’t feel like you’re the first who’s had to face a situation like this. We all do what we have to do. I can understand wanting to protect your child in the middle of one of the biggest transitions of her life. You’re also dealing with grief over your child leaving and your family falling apart. It’s overwhelming.

You have a few choices — (1) keep wearing the mask and get through the next four months feeling like you’re having a knife stabbed in your heart every time he picks up his phone, (2) demand he moves out (3) you move out and get temporary maintenance to support yourself (consult a lawyer).

I think the best option is to consult a lawyer about a legal separation and temporary maintenance and then present those options to your husband. Either he moves out or you move out. At this point he doesn’t believe you’re serious. He wants to keep texting schmoopie while pretending to be a great dad for his daughter. He doesn’t care what his emotional abuse is doing to you.

You have a right to protect yourself, but I understand you’re also trying to protect your daughter. It’s a tough spot to be in. However, it’s okay not to be a martyr and put your needs behind everyone else’s. You do have choices.

So Done
So Done
6 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Lyn,
Thanks for your comments. I do indeed believe that I am in a tough spot, and I appreciate your thoughtful advice.

NotAnAngelMyself
NotAnAngelMyself
6 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Yeah, my sister and her husband played happy families at Christmas just before their split, and I was angry that I didn’t know. I was nice to him, we hung out together and joked around, and I felt stupid and like an idiot afterwards when I knew the truth. And I’m a grownup! I would have liked to have made the decision for myself on how to behave toward him- I would have been polite but chilly if I had known the actual truth.

My sister and I are good now, and I (sorta) understand why they did what they did, but I would have preferred to know.

Redstarrising
Redstarrising
6 years ago

My sister above/\
I wish I could have told the family, but it was my parents 60th wedding anniversary and I was living the lie and seriously smoking the HOPium like you wouldn’t believe it. I was scare to leave my X because I couldn’t afford to live and this would make my 3rd divorce. I felt like a failure and I didn’t want my daughter (12 yrs old at time-15 now) world to change.
It was my sister that turned me to CL & CN and without her guiding me with a clear head I don’t know what I would of done. Now I’m mightier, stronger, WISER to liers, and blessed to finally be free (divorced). MEH is just around the corner.

Trying for Mighty
Trying for Mighty
6 years ago
Reply to  Sugar Plum

I second what you say about telling the daughter now. I’m a college professor, with 25+ years in. I have seen lots of students who are dealing with their parents’ divorces. I can tell you that waiting will not protect your daughter or make the divorce easier on her. It might make it more difficult, in fact. If she thinks you waited until she went to college before divorcing, she may blame herself as a burden, and believe somehow that she is at fault. Once she discovers the truth of her father’s cheating, she may feel bad that you waited and suffered for her. If she finds out while the semester is in session, it may send her into a tailspin. Telling her during the break between semesters will not make anything easier.
If you tell her now, before she heads off to college, you can actually talk face to face with her before she goes off on her own. You can give a head’s up to the Dean of Students, and they can keep an eye out for her. You can make sure she has appointments at the college counseling center to help her process her feelings. You can actually provide her a structure from the beginning to help her process the split. Then the divorce becomes part of a process of adjusting to college, not an added burden either during the semester or between semesters, the effect of which will be to make her adjust to college all over again. She’ll need friends who understand what is going on in her life, maybe those with shared experience of divorce. And as Sugar Plum says, she won’t feel betrayed and lied to when she finds out she was deceived by her parents who treated her not as the adult she is becoming but as a child.

Living a nightmare live
Living a nightmare live
6 years ago

Oh trust me, she already knows. Don’t freak out when after you tell her she says something like, “Yeah, I wondered because…..”. See, they are not as good at this as they think. Tend to forget that children emulate their parents, get their securities from us. Even though they are mostly in their room or with friends, fuckwits are really only focused on keeping you in the dark. Teens are independent for the most part, but the assholes forget that they are still very vigilant. Mine does the text thing to me also so I get what you are saying. However sweetie, he will never comply. He gets off on it. You like all of us want him to be sorry and understand the gravity of what he has done. For that to happen, he must care. He doesn’t care. Fact is, you have served your purpose and he deserves to be happy. I’m willing to bet my hands he has said this to you in an argument. See, you know him, you know his weaknesses. He can’t sparkle like he used to with you around. She is fresh meat for such an abused man whose wife never appreciated him, constantly finds fault with him, oh just hates him for no reason. This is why HE SUCKS! Let me be the first to tell you, You are beautiful and don’t deserve this. Those of us here have all sacrificed our lives and bent them for somebody who tossed us aside as if we were trash. Number 20 on the top 10. You can choose your path and purpose. He will never have that because he can’t get past himself. All the glory that is him will die with him. See, he will have to face the mirror eventually.

So Done
So Done
6 years ago

Living a Nighmare Live,
Lol! My STBX HAS told me that he deserves to do whatever he needs to do to be happy.

Creativerational
Creativerational
6 years ago
Reply to  So Done

Your initial assumption that he sees your history as something that means “the least he could do” is not contact the ho… Is marred by the idea that he cares about the least he could do for you. Realistically…. The least he should have done is not cheat. The least he could have done is told you outright that this emotional affair that has happened for six years is actually physical…. Because dollars to donuts it is. The least he could have done was not be a wanker. And he has always chosen not those things. He has chosen the selfish id fueled life where he gets what he wants and you get shafted. I don’t know why you expect more from him right now.

So Done
So Done
6 years ago

Creativerational,
I don’t know either. Hopium, I guess? That’s why “no contact” is so effective. The less I interact with him, the better. This I know for sure.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago

Love what you said here.

Beachgirl
Beachgirl
6 years ago

Oh Done, listen to CL and get out now. If I had a dollar for every time I begged my ex to stop doing the disrespectful things he did I would be a billionaire. What I learned the hard way was, you can’t prod, beg, reason, negotiate with a terrorist. They don’t respond and in fact the more you beg the more they enjoy doing the very things you want them to stop. We shouldn’t have to beg or cajole the people in our life to be good to us. You are using your daughter as an excuse to delay and thinking she can act as bargaining chip with your shit for husband to behave is insanity. He won’t and after 6 years you know this deep in your heart. Keep coming here, we all get it, we all have your back. YOU CAN DO THIS! KICK HIS ASS TO THE CURB, CELL PHONE FIRMLY IN HAND AND SMILE AND WAVE AS YOU PROUDLY WALK AWAY!

12YearsWasted
12YearsWasted
6 years ago

I agree with CL. Get out NOW. Your daughter is nearly an adult and she will be more pissed that you kept the truth from her than anything if she finds out you knew this was happening. In fact, don’t just do it and sparkle the reason. Tell her what her daddy has done. I told my 7 year old and now he knows daddy chose the divorce, not me. You need to stop waiting around. Actions speak louder than words. He is done with your marriage and you should be, too!! Get out now!

Sundlower36
Sundlower36
6 years ago
Reply to  12YearsWasted

Oh hell… they already know something has been up for years. You’ve been faking for a lot of their life.

They deserve to see an authentic parent. It should be you.

No more lying to them. You aren’t protecting them… your lying.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Sundlower36

And that Sunflower…. sheesh

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago

I was also with cheaterboy for 26 years when our marriage ended but when it did, I was still smoking hopium…I kept up the “maybe he will change” dance for the 7 years after his “EA”, but even though he didnt have an ongoing affair, he was selfish and mean and repeatedly expressed interest to part ways.

Oh but I kept hoping. Until he dropped dead.

I look at myself at that time now and I realize that CL is right in what she says…

THEY CHOOSE TO BE LIKE THEY ARE

and

THERE IS NEVER A “GOOD” TIME TO GO, so once you realize that they arent in the marriage, you need to protect you and serving up a plate of consequences it one option

Consulting the psychologist is just another delay “hope he sees the light and changes” maneuver…I know of what I speak, I spackled myself into dozens and dozens of these mental coping tents.

Now when I look back…with him fully gone and everything is in retrospect, I now see that he was a distant, brooding, selfish, cranky, manipulative, raging person who build walls between us, not bridges.

Your cheater has lied and lied… CL is VERY right, he is not your FAMILY. That hurts, Im sorry about it, but its true. Pretending to be family when you arent gives him kibbles, rewards his poor behavior and confuses the kids. My 2 sons are adults now and they are both TERRIBLE partner material…one abandoned his fiancee and child. This is, in part, a result of allowing such a terrible example to be seen as normal for so long.

He will tell you that you are breaking the family with your refusal to play along but its not true, he broke it.

For a long time I really thought that the WORST THING ON EARTH that could happen would be him leaving for his OW (he never admitted to sex but I found hotel reciepts after he died…he literally spewed lies to his last breath). I was wrong, the worst thing that could happen was that I stayed with a person who did not love nor want me. I delayed my own healing to my own detriment.

Kellia
Kellia
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

“I was wrong, the worst thing that could happen was that I stayed with a person who did not love nor want me. I delayed my own healing to my own detriment.”

This is so very well said!

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

When I found out that Mr. Twatwaffles moved Ms. Twatwaffles in before the ink on the divorce was dry, I told him how pissed I was that he didn’t just tell me the truth because it set me back literally MONTHS in a process that I could have had well behind me by then.

They do not care about the damage they inflict. They will twist the knife as deep as they can and do it ever so innocently.

I just now realized that MY ex coincided the revelation that he’d been cheating, and the revelation that he was STILL cheating, within days of two of my aunts dying. Last summer D-Day 1 was 2 days after one aunt died, and then D-Day 2 was less than a week after another aunt died.

He purposely chooses significant dates to twist and twist and pretends that he was oblivious to them. Birthdays, anniversary of when we laid our son to rest…..pretty much anything he can traumatize or doubly traumatize, he does.

Longing for Meh-ca
Longing for Meh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Ugh, Sunflower36 – what a horror of a human he was to you! Mine met his AP on my birthday, then ignored my text to him that day. He claims “fog” and all the other shitsanwich crap.
They are NOT NORMAL PEOPLE! They do NOT care about our feelings or they wouldn’t have trolled to begin with! Mine likes to use soft, squishy words like “I strayed” and “went off the path” – I pointed out, “You are not a fucking baby lamb! You lied, hid things from me, bought gifts for another woman (including the same vibrator he gave me years ago!), deceived me for YEARS – not a one-night stand or stared too long at someone’s boobs!”
They look like everyone else. They have an act they present to the world that they WISH they matched. They NEED us for their decency COVER. We are critical to maintaining this respectable FACADE so they can keep lying to themselves as well. “Hey, I’m just a nice guy who ___(fill in the current rationalization)_.” The high is in the sneaking, the getting away with the lying and adrenaline rushes of “stolen” moments – artificially maintaining “romantic” illusions.Very few of them can maintain the urgency when they are all alone with Schmoopie…hence, another Schmoopie 2.0 will be by any second. The skank train runs every 10 minutes, I’m certain – there’s always someone willing to settle for their own kibble…and so the ugly cycle goes.
I realized my marriage died when he first stepped out on it…and I was left discovering the smelly corpse! The sooner it goes, the better. The grieving – it goes on, but it DOES get better, I can attest. Thanks to CL & CN and the voices of SO many of these fierce mighty women. My meh awaits me….and there are Tuesdays in EVERY week!

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

2 more things…

1) really, what you offered him is “if you act decent, I will keep up this charade until spring break then we tell the kids” and his answer (based on his actions ) is “no”.

2) in some reasonable and age appropriate way, tell the kids why you are divorcing. I didnt tell them then their dad died and I have broached the subject of their fathers betrayal, but so far, they have made it clear that they dont want details on top of the grief they already have to deal with

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

And that’s ok, unicorn. It’s ok for them to put up that boundary. They know he was a jerk to you, but they have to be able to chew on that in their own time.

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

It has been hard for me to accept this as I want them to know why I am hostile to the issue of their father…Im so scared that to them (not knowing the full story) I look like a cold hearted bitch. I have to trust that they know me better than that and I dont give up on people easily.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

And pushing it when the man is dead WILL put you at risk for that.

Vent here and get validation here. Let them think of their father as they wish. You don’t have him to stand in the way anymore.

Redefining Me
Redefining Me
6 years ago

SO sorry this is happening to you and your kids, but there is never a good time. Exh left us the week before our daughter started kindergarten, so we had that transition and the jolt from stay at home mom to full time school and daycare (we also had a 2 year old). It was gut wrenching but we discovered wonderful, kind, real, and supportive people that helped us pave our way into a newer, better, authentic, albeit often difficult life -without him in it.

He will not stop lying or doing whatever benefits him. Start a new pattern for you and your kids. Live truth, even when it hurts like hell. You can do this. It’s a fresh start for you, and that’s an awesome thing. Hugs

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Redefining Me

Same here. He waited until 2 days before school started and our youngest was in Kindergarten. I went from a part time working SAHM to full time work at a refinery where I had to be to work at 6 am and 35 miles from my home.

But we’re making it work. We’ve got friends and family helping and it’s tremendous. For as pissed off as I am over the whole thing, I am grateful.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago

I am less concerned about respect for him and more concerned about respect for the kids. Keeping a huge secret from them that comes out later could really damage their trust in you, especially if he ends up with sole control of the narrative of what is going on while you are trying to hide it.

I can understand the value of waiting until she’s got the hang of college and I see why that advice was tempting. You want to do what is best for your kids. That’s coming from the right place. If your cheater was a different person, I might even get on board with it.

However, he’s a deceptive, betraying, egocentric, hedonistic, self-serving, manipulative, harmful, untrustworthy person. Therefore, he is a wild card. So, I vote for putting your long-term trust building relationship with your kids first, and that means being age-appropriately honest with them, from my POV.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

While I was typing that, a whole bunch more people posted similar sentiments. A pattern. 🙂

FirstStepSucks
FirstStepSucks
6 years ago

Mine told me he wanted a divorce 2 days before our oldest graduated high school.
He BLAMES ME because I cried and made him tell our kids.
Of course I can suck up and hide the total destruction of 18 years.
This is your new life. Take your control back. Get him out now because the OW is privy to EVERYTHING. The trust you had with him he now shares with HER and you are on the outside.
His ending the marriage will be a gift one day. Oh and get tested for STDS

AllieP
AllieP
6 years ago

Sweet lord, So Done. It’s not inconceivable to you that he won’t stop texting the OW for the next few months, because he hasn’t stopped doing it for SIX YEARS. For six years, he lied and hid and had an affair, and that’s when he had something he might actually lose. Now he has nothing to lose. Why would he stop now when he never stopped before? Why are you even asking him? What in the world does he have to gain from it?

That child psychologist is full of shit. Your daughter isn’t going to be any happier finding out her parents have divorced in November, when he’s in the middle of studying for exams and she’s far from home, than she was in August. She’s going to feel lied to and betrayed by all the fake happy family shit. And you have a lot to go through too with her leaving for school. My advice? Kick him out now, tell the kids, and let your daughter make the decision about if she WANTS to go to school to get away from all the drama or if she wants to defer for a semester to deal with the emotional fallout and help you and your other kids adjust.

Chump Lady is right on the money. See a lawyer, protect your assets. Stop pretending like you are going to be able to control his affair now, when he is on his way out hte door, when you could ever control it before.

Aeronaut
Aeronaut
6 years ago
Reply to  AllieP

AllieP makes an excellent point, as well as Trying For Mighty above. There are several resources at the college to help your daughter deal with these issues. And mentioning the whole mess now, and asking her if she wants to defer college for a semester is a great plan. Colleges are generally very accommodating about requests like that – they are in the business of educating and graduating students, not watching them fail because of outside influences.

So Done, the best time to tell your daughter (and the rest of your kids) about what is going on was a week ago, or a month ago, not tomorrow or in November. No matter when they hear it, it will be tough. Better now for your daughter, before she’s in a strange environment without her usual people around her (family, friends, etc.) My advice – tell them as soon as possible. Today. Maybe finish reading the comments on this article, but be honest with them. They crave an honest parent, and we all know dad ain’t one.

Good luck with all of it.

Hugs. Strength. Peace.
aeronaut

DavidB
DavidB
6 years ago

One finds that we can not control their actions. It appears the more one tries the more they do! I guess to them it shows we still care and they have no fear of consequences. It is impossible for normal people to understand them.

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago

If nothing else, OP, consider how immature he’s being. Even though he’s not using the specific words, his comments that he will still text the OW regardless translate to me as him sticking out his tongue and saying “You’re Not The Boss Of Me!” Is that really the example you want your daughter to see?

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
6 years ago
Reply to  VulcanChump

I also hate the slippery tone of refusing to comply with her demand. Like, couldn’t he just say, “No.” — Instead it’s all couched in pseudo-mumbo-jumbo word salad that essentially says No but with the balls behind it.

Cowards. The fucking lot of them.

So Done
So Done
6 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

NWBiblo,
I hate that too. I don’t know why he can’t just say “no” if he’s not going to do it. Man up. Instead, he double talks and speaks in circles. I think it’s all part of being a pathological liar.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

Cowardice, and they get off on our pain. I truly believe it excites them to know they have enough power to make another person suffer. If these losers weren’t cheating, they’d be pulling the wings off flies.

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago

These assholes never cease to amaze! I understand you want to protect your family but for how long another 6 months and at what emotional cost to you and your family? CL is absolutely right tell asshole to get out now before he completely destroys your self respect. Your daughter will be upset now or 6 months from now. Tell her the truth about her father the whole truth! This asshole doesn’t give a damn about you or your kids, don’t waste another minute on him! His selfishness is only exceeded by his evilness. Be brave! ????????????

Vastra
Vastra
6 years ago

So Done, I’m joining the chorus of “don’t listen to the therapist, don’t wait, see a lawyer ASAP”. Your daughter will be upset but will cope, whereas if she finds out later that you were all pretending for her sake she will be more upset. If it was something like a big birthday party in a week, maybe you could put it off, but please not another 6 months. That’s 6 months warning for your STBX to siphon off money and hide assets. It’s so hard to accept that your husband truly doesn’t care about you, and doesn’t feel he owes his family anything – pressuring him into playing happy families for your daughter will just be a toxic waste of time for all of you .

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago

Yesterday my divorce was final. I can sell my house and get on with my new and better life.

I texted some friends with the news and one asked me if I wasn’t going to miss anything. My answer might be useful for Done: I only miss who I THOUGHT cheater was.

I do not miss the confusing devaluing, blameshifting, and mindfucking. Debts for stupid sparkles and humiliation and cheating.

It is extremely painful to admit that in 40 years of marriage and 2 of dating, the cheater NEVER was what I thought he was. The only remedy is to admit it.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

Congratulations Clear Waters on your Freedom! And hugs for the lost dreams and major reality check.
I’m 5 months divorced now and at meh and life is so sweet!

Newlady15
Newlady15
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

This. X1000. I was only married 36 years(????), but you couldn’t have said it better.

Kathleen
Kathleen
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

CkearWaters

34 years married 2 years dating. Just found Whore OW
in a bar, fell in love & I caught them at her house. She knew he was married but didn’t care. He downgraded to a fat low life, piece of ass. By throwing him out, he was forced to live with whore.

Divorced almost 2 years now but I’m not being lied to or cheated on. I will never forgive him or forget the PAIN he caused just for a whore. Let her push him around in a wheelchair down the road.

God bless us all here at CN

Sitting Chump
Sitting Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

Congratulations ClearWaters and Capricorn! With any luck, my divorce will be completed at the end of October. Yes – it is soooo hard to realize who they actually are. I wanted so badly to believe he was the person I thought (and wanted) him to be….but he is not.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

Mine either. I was totally in love with a man who didn’t exist and that was earth shattering. I mourned the death of the idea of him…. I may even create a tombstone and stick it in my garden. **shrug** wacky as hell, but I don’t care.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Sunflower, I liked your idea of a tombstone for the “Was-Not” until I started to think about where I would put it, then I got the chills.

I am wiping out every memory of cheater and his family, down to the last crochet doily from mother-in-law. Everything gone or going in garage sale, auction, eBay.

Fellow chump Beth has a photoshop technique for pictures that I will look into.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

After he moved most of his stuff out, I took every single thing he ever gave me, every letter, card, memento, gift…. everything, and dumped it on his doorstep the morning of our final divorce hearing. Everything, and did t regret it at all.

Would not surprise me in the slightest if Ms. Twatwaffles isn’t getting them now.

Alexandra
Alexandra
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Yes I can relate to this. It was very much like my husband had died. I even had mental image of me, pregnant at the time of discovery, standing at his grave. I was the only one at the time who had come out to his funeral. It was one of the only ways I could make sense of it. I had it recur in dreams as well.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

>>”[T]he cheater NEVER was what I thought he was. The only remedy is to admit it.”

Very well stated.

And, congratulations to you and Capricorn! It’s such a long road, but you made it to the other side. I think see “meh” just over the hill for you two …!

(((Hugs)))

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

I can’t wait for Meh!

Thanks Jesss!

Capricorn
Capricorn
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

ClearWaters
Congratulations! ????????????????
Mine was final a couple of weeks ago.
It makes for interesting mental gymnastics I found getting the divorce. I first had trouble getting my mind around who he actually was, then through reading CL I became angry and no longer blind to who he was but then had to put that knowledge to one side and come off CL in order to play nice for the divorce settlement.
Now I am in a new place. Accepting of who he really is and sometimes angry or upset but able to spend more time choosing how to life this new life of mine.
Good luck to you too! ❤️

LiveForToday
LiveForToday
6 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

I’m trying. 32 years here. It’s who he is. Helps to read others stories. Pretty much all the same story really.

I still harbor too much bitter anger.

Working on that.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Congrats on your divorce Cap, here is to a long road behind you, and an even longer one ahead of you, to Meh and all peace yet unjust realization of what you have to process and recover from because of the despicable choices of your X…

(((Capricorn)))

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Good luck Cap! I too am still angry (at cheater, but also at myself), I have been spending too much time on this. But now that I am free to sell my house I will be so busy organizing the alternative, I hope it will be an antidote for this poison.

My sons are sad to see the house go, but they are excited by my new plans and understand that this is the consequence of their father’s actions.

Mental gymnastics: look where it got me: spackle jobs, all kinds of dance steps. Chump Lady saved my life. Cump Nation saved my life: you look at other people’s suffering and problems, you see the patterns of other cheaters and you see the reflection of your life and everything decoded.

Off to the Notary!

LisaLisa
LisaLisa
6 years ago

I waited for the “right time” too. 5 years of humiliation only got me a fake husband and a real STD.

Please listen to Tracy. Get him out now and get a lawyer.

Strad
Strad
6 years ago

The psychologist who advised you to wait 6 months before telling your child has obviously never been through the trauma of infidelity. The emotional toll of living with your cheating husband, plus the stress of trying to “play house” is needless torture. Plus, what’s going to magically happen in 6 months that will spare your child’s feelings? Dad is a cheating fuckwit who broke up the family no matter when you break the news. Stop living this demented charade and get on with your life.

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago
Reply to  Strad

I think you’re right, Strad. It is torture to live that way, and it often seems everyone expects the Chump to play nice and not rock the boat, even professional therapists. It’s not until you go through it yourself that you realize how truly abusive it is to live like that.

So Done
So Done
6 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Strad and Lyn,
Agreed! “The emotional toll of living with your cheating husband, plus the sterss of trying to ‘play house’ is needless torture.” It is indeed torture.

So Done
So Done
6 years ago
Reply to  So Done

Sorry for the typo. I meant *stress*.

Gratefully Divorced Dad
Gratefully Divorced Dad
6 years ago

In my one brief attempt at wreck-conciliation, I asked my now-ex-wife to promise no contact with any affair partners (yes, multiple! – yay for me!) so that we might have a chance at starting to sort things out. She agreed. Thankfully I was in full marriage police mode. She then proceeded to meet with three APs the following week. There’s more, but it was all so effed up that I still throw up in my mouth a little when I think about it too much.

Before the divorce, she loved to play “family” and unbelievably still looks for opportunities to appear at school or social events as if all is well, mask securely in place. I always shut that sh*t down and keep my distance to make it clear I am not with her.

It gets easier once you come to the realization you’re dealing with a soulless monster. Instead of seeing my spouse as she wants herself to appear to others, I sometimes imagine she’s Ted Bundy or some other serial killer. It not only works, but it’s also a fair representation of how unsafe I feel in her presence.

Chickynot
Chickynot
6 years ago

Yep, if anything, now that the cheater knows he’s definitely not going to be able to repair things with you, his logical reaction is going to be to: 1.) shore things up with the fallback side-dish OW you know about, 2.) realize he now has “an opening” as far as bed partners go, so he may even try to line up yet another woman on the side, now that you are outa the picture (gotta make sure #2 keeps bringing her best game!). And, also 3.) (if he’s like my STBX) he may do what he can to secretly transfer assets to which ever of these AP’s he plans to line up as wife #2, during the grace period you are giving him (after all, he’ll get these back once they marry, and he can carry on). So, don’t let him!

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago

Raising hand here, too. My X faked his way through my daughter’s graduation ceremony & party, preparation for her to go off to college, all while planning a trip to China with his current AP (which he still took 3 days after D-day, knowing his marriage was in trouble, while professing he wanted to save the marriage).

Liars lie, it’s what they do.

Khris
Khris
6 years ago

Sounds a lot like my Ex. She had agreed not to see the AP, that was a lie. They continued just as before. This was before I found CL and CN. And yes, she likes to “play the part” of the selfless parent (she isn’t). She uses the kids like a fashion accessory to say “look at me, i’m such a great parent”.

Kevin1964
Kevin1964
6 years ago
Reply to  Khris

My STBX has changed out of all recognition. She now lies continually.

We are still loosely cohabiting. As well as lying to me, she has started lying to our kids.
She works evenings. I have driven past her place of work when she has told me and the kids she is working and her car is not there.
My oldest daughter is 18 and I have tried to tell her what is happening but she seems to be in denial.

Like yours when she can be bothered to spend time with the kids, she over compensates – and is real Disney mother.

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
6 years ago

So done,
All I could think when I read that letter is that I pray Chumplady can get through to you. I knew she was going to tough love you a little, it’s for your own good….I promise.

I stayed for a decade after the first d day. When the 4th one hit and it was followed up with ” I’m leaving you for her.” It was like I got hit by a car. I WISH there had been Chumplady to shake me and save me a few months of humiliation.
Please model for your daughter that this is unacceptable.
My daughter was 17 and going into her senior year of high school. See? There’s never a good time to wreck your kids.
We all had a few months where we were trying to get adjusted to our new normal and it wasn’t always great, my kids literally dressed me , I was a zombie. Then I found Chump Nation, got a kick ass atty, decided “fuck him”, stopped listening to all his bullshit and went NC and day by day my life got sunny again.
That Mother’s Day 2015 my daughter gave me a piece of art she made and a card letting me know that I was her hero and that she was proud of me.
That was my best moment.
My kids are NC with their dad because he repeatedly lied and they felt like their lives were a fraud. Don’t be a participant in that.
Put all your focus on putting this loser in the rear view and making a new life.

mila
mila
6 years ago

The psychologist recommended to wait until the next semester break? WOW ! And he had this affair since 2011. In my opinion – my opinion alone – there is no such thing as an emotional affair. When it gets to the stage that he is careless enough for you to discover the text message, he is already gone. Obviously, he is giving her the affection you deserve.

Kicking him out now, would be my suggestion. There will always be emotional turmoil in a divorce for you, the children, it affects everyone. But there is also emotional turmoil to live with the cheater under one roof, and children are very atuned to emotions.

Waiting means more heartache for you, more lies. If you kick him out now, at least you can take your power back.

I am really sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I wish in retrospect that I had kicked him out, when I received a text obviously not meant for me. Instead I pushed it to the back of my mind, until he had the “I love you, but I am not in love with you………..blah, blah blah talk and literally ran out.

Whatever your decision will be, you came to the right place for support. Lots of strength and peace for you, and it will get better, I promise.

Let go
Let go
6 years ago

I have some questions about what you plan on doing for the next six months. Are there birthdays to celebrate? What are you going to do about Thanksgiving? I mean the day with all your family is the day you have to look around and say how thankful you are for everyone. Please. Please look at the reality of what you are facing. What about Christmas if you celebrate it? You cannot keep up this façade without paying the price mentally, emotionally, and physically. You just can’t. Your plans for the next six months, if you stick with the psychologist, is to get a job that pays well, get your own health insurance, and try not to speak one single word to that asshole that lives in the house with you, so that your kids know there is a major rift. You need to prepare them somehow. Springing it on your kid over the holidays does not sound like a really good way to start your single life. There has to be some other way. What did the therapist think you should do at the six-month period? On the way home for the holidays you just say, oh so casually, “By the way your father and I are divorcing.” I can see that conversation right now while a teary-eyed kid is riding home sobbing hysterically as you try to explain that really you cannot go on because he’s had a girlfriend for six years. Something is amiss unless that therapist has a really, really, really good way of getting this out. I just don’t think you can put a Band-Aid on this.
Don’t you think your kids already suspect something? You must be really good at rug weeping if they have no clue that their father is an asshole.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  Let go

Yes, there’s nothing like a fake “family Christmas” to teach your kids the awesome value of hypocrisy and lying.

pregnant chump
pregnant chump
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

That is what I basically had last Christmas but I didn’t know it. He left just after new year. Schmoopie had gone to visit her family in Canada over Christmas. He just spent it with me, DS and my family because he didn’t have a better offer. He also brought me an eternity ring which I wore for a total of 10 days.

Newlady15
Newlady15
6 years ago
Reply to  pregnant chump

Yes mr olive man gave our daughter a jay of olives for Christmas because she had the nerve to express disgust at him moving in with his slut right away( and she hates olives). He then walked out because we were all so unhappy ( gee I wonder why mr asshole narc wackjob?). Worst mistake ever–letting him come “Home” for Christmas. He was living with AP….bye bye Felicia!

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  Let go

True. I had a few “family” events during the “pretend we’re a family ” phase and I look back at those photos and I look like someone used a vacuum to suck my soul out of my eye sockets

BVC
BVC
6 years ago

That psychologist is full of shit, So Done. I can tell you from my first row seat to my Dad’s affair, that happened when I was in college. Timing is not going to make any difference because the shit is so big, IT CAN’T BE PROCESSED IN JUST A BREAK. It took me years to deal with everything. YEARS.

For starters, the mourning of the family is going to take at least months, perhaps up to a year. I needed years to fully understand the hell I’d been living before, and how much better we were after my Dad left. My mom was devastated, but at least we had peace. I needed years to sort out what I felt about his choices and his leaving us. I needed years to comprehend what a stupid mountain of crap he was, claiming to have felt abandoned as the reason for cheating, when the fucking coward never said anything. It took me years to understand that I’M NOT A MIND READER, which is something that saved my life when the asshole I married pretended I was to blame for his cheating, because I didn’t desire him enough. He never said anything, so yeah, I don’t give a fuck. You are a physicist, you should know telepathy doesn’t exist. And if you don’t, fuck you.

So Done, there is never going to be a good moment for your children. Actually, I’d say that there is one: NOW. Otherwise, they are exposed to all that crap you are living, and they are getting that’s acceptable in a relationship. Right now I’m with my therapist exploring that my STBX is like my parents and my relationship with him mirrors what they had, and let me assure you, the pain of knowing my parents put me in this place is even bigger than the one my cheater gave me, because I left him, but I can’t/don’t want leave my parents (they are not bad people; they love me and have been with me now. They have changed a lot these years and perhaps they are not as disfunctional as before, but the damage is already done). Don’t let your children believe that cheating is acceptable.

Skinwalker
Skinwalker
6 years ago
Reply to  BVC

Bravo, BVC! You are mighty and wise!

LuckyChump
LuckyChump
6 years ago

SD,

I agree with CL. But, would add, change the locks on the house while he’s out and leave all of his personal stuff in the garage or, better yet, on the front lawn.

You owe him nothing!

Hang in there, things will work out on Tuesday.

PS: sue his ass for 6 years of lost intimacy

LC

Skinwalker
Skinwalker
6 years ago
Reply to  LuckyChump

Great comment, LuckyChump!

I would LOVE to do this to my own cheating husband who left me withering on the vine PLUS added insult to injury by treating me like I was an abnormal sex maniac by wanting to have sex with my own husband!

But how do you do this in the age of No Fault?

Skinwalker
Skinwalker
6 years ago
Reply to  Skinwalker

I was talking about this part of your comment, LuckyChump:

>>>sue his ass for 6 years of lost intimacy<<<

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
6 years ago

“He said he didn’t want to make the commitment to me because he doesn’t want to lie to me any more” yes, I got this line too! After that I got six months of living hell with a 40 year old frat boy on viagra! I didn’t want to believe it would turn ugly, but what I found is the more I demanded (nagged, begged, pleaded) he treat me with respect, the more he was intent on showing me I was not the one in control! Here’s a sample of the mind fuck that he believed I was due after 18 years of marriage

– Just because you think it’s wrong doesn’t mean it’s wrong. That’s your perspective.
– I’m tired of you telling me who I am (translation: stop judging me by my behavior, listen to all my rationalizations so you believe it’s you)
– Stop trying to control me! (Though my intent was to demand a little respect, I learned respect is gained through boundaries, not demands)

He continued to lie, but he added blatant disrespect to the mix. Coming and going as he pleased, having the kids talk to his new smoopsie on the phone. And I endured all of this humiliation why???? Because I was trying to do what was best for my kids by transitioning them to the reality of divorce. In hindsight, all I did was put myself in a position to be humiliated, shown he was going to do what he wanted to do (although that was a good lesson), and that he was priority number one! It was also a hostile environment for the kids (which he proudly declaired “my fault” because I didn’t accept his freedom and I was trying to control him, so “I” was creating a hostile environment).

Unless you plan on eating that shit sandwich with a smile, support all of his decisions, you better get ready for chaos! He is telling you he is unwilling to sparkle his turd self any longer! Of course he is presenting it as “I don’t want to lie to you”… see he’s a good guy and cares about your feelings right???? WRONG! You are hearing what he’s telling you through your own moral lense. The sooner you start hearing what he is saying from his fuckwit perspective, the sooner you will understand just what it is you are dealing with!

He’s just jumped off the deep end in an immature fit of rebellion to the constraints of marriage, societal norms, and morality. And guess what? Our justice system doesn’t give a flying f*ck! He’s free to act like a prick, and when you respond to his behavior your response will be the problem. That’s why grayrock is sooooooo important! I know after so many years you think you are due a little respect, but the sad truth is that the only respect you are going to get is from yourself!

Once you’ve made a verbal agreement that he will live there x-amount of time, it’s really, really, really hard to get that changed. I lived in a waking nightmare for 6 months! I suggest you go to your lawyer and ask for an order of exclusive possession from day one! I look back at my naïve self when I was being handed this advise, thinking “oh no, I don’t want to start the process out like this. If I’m nice, he’ll be nice too, right?These people don’t understand my situation, my shithead must be more mature than the people these guys are married to” WRONG! They will take every inch of rope they are thrown and they will stretch it until it snaps back and hits you in the face with reality! This IS your reality… you are married to a selfish, self-interested turd who is in a state of rebellion, and will push every boundary you set to get away with what he can! It’s a hard lesson for sure, and it’s only complicated by your moral perspective.

Skinwalker
Skinwalker
6 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

Great comment, Got-a-brain!

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
6 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

I will also say that a therapists advise and a lawyers advise are not always in line. I started seeing a therapists again when ass-hat decided he was going to go through the terrible two’s at 40. She advised me (for my own metal health and the severe gaslighting going on) that when he was home I stay away from him, locked away in my room. My lawyer however felt that this wasn’t a good idea because of the impression it created – it’s all about impressions right? Barf ????.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

Just because the advice comes from someone with a degree (law or psychology) doesn’t mean the person giving the advice is wise or helpful. It’s tough for abused chumps to re-learn how to trust their own good sense or their instincts after years of being gaslighted, disrespected, and second-guessed. In this case, I would say that if a psychologist and attorney know that there is “severe gaslighting” going on, the advice should be: File for divorce. Leave. Get an order for sole occupancy of the house, based on abuse. But get away.

MJB
MJB
6 years ago

I agree with everything CL & CN have said already. I won’t repeat as it is all spot on. I do know the pain you are in. Letting go of the dream of an intact family and thinking by enforcing my boundaries, I would be the one causing the pain. Once I realized by staying married to a fuckwit in which I’d had 2 different schmoopies that I knew of over our 20 years together, I realized I had to be the one to protect myself and my kiddos. He was never going to be the sane parent and was always going to do what he thought would make him happy. And now we had a young schmoopie who had his ear on ‘what’s best for the kids’. As they were going to fancy, expensive dinners and making overseas travel plans on the marital dime and blowing money.

Your asswipe really doesn’t care about you or the kids. Not really. I bet you’ve spackled him normal for years. They know already that he’s not a great parent.

The only thing I have to add to what’s been said is kids want to know what this means for them. While your fuckwit is all giddy thinking he has a few months with chumpy ole hopium smoking you, get your ducks lined up. Please don’t tell him. Find out exactly what this means for the kids so you have this information when YOU talk to them. I was pretty mighty and lined up my ducks, but he talked to the kids first without me knowing. He told him he had to leave because he’d been miserable for years.

Later on my kids found out about young 20 something schmoopie and were devastated (someone they knew and was our daughter’s coach). Yes asshat didn’t care he’d shat in their school and how embarrasing this would be for all of us. His happiness came first. Well his happiness has always come first in our lives. It took time and distance for me to see through the spackle I’d used for years. But the kids knew the real him. Our lives are easier now without his constantly being a prick at our home.

I told my son ‘there’s something in life that dad needs that’s not in being married to me’. Soft. I know. He was 4 years old when dad did this the first time. He knows dad. My son worries about me.

So for the kids: let them know what this looks like for them and that you are going to be okay. For your daughter “Dad has a girlfriend that mom has known about for several years. We have both tried to work on the marriage, but I needed for us both to focus on it without her in it. This hasn’t happened and I’m not okay with this arrangement.” Then proceed to tell her that you will be okay. She will go to college as planned (unless asshat is planning to pull money away). Mom is staying in the house and dad is moving out.

You don’t have to berate and belittle him. He can work on his relationship with the kids. You can work on moving forward with your life with your dignity intact and your financial ducks planned out. Don’t let him get a head start on you. He has shown you he only cares about himself first and you should expect he will continue to do so.

Skinwalker
Skinwalker
6 years ago
Reply to  MJB

Fantastic post, MJB! I hope many people who need to see your comment!

MJB
MJB
6 years ago
Reply to  MJB

A thought I didn’t post originally. They need to know about schmoopie. You don’t have to say anything derogatory about her, just that she exists. My ex thought he’d get a quickie divorce and then pull schmoopie out of the shadows as a legit relationship. How wonderful do you think this kind of person is that’s hung on as a sidepiece fuck all these years? I’m guessing she’s some piece of work. The kids can formulate their own opinions, but they should be prepped so they are not blindsided by a piece of crap dangling out the dog’s ass for years.

mil23
mil23
6 years ago
Reply to  MJB

I am a new chump filing for divorce- I threw my STBX out 8 weeks ago on DDay. We told our 8 yo son just that we are divorcing bc things didn’t work out. I know I have to tell him the truth but I am waiting bc my STBX agreed to introduce his AP slowly working with a child psychologist to determine best timing, etc. My fear is if I tell our son right away about her my STBX will then rush the introduction. I am hoping by the time they would meet my STBX breaks up w her not for me but for our son. She is a supposedly reformed drug addicted escort. She was arrested this year for drug possession. She still has an active escort ad online with half naked pics. She is 12 years younger than my STBX and I and she is illiterate/dumb. She also dresses like a whore. She’s also a psychopath that sent crazy messages to me by breaking into his phone bc she is jealous I am co-parenting with my STBX. He had to put a stop to those! She is the exact opposite of every one of my good qualities. The whoke thing really stresses me out! I don’t want my STBX at all but I hope he cleans up his act and finds someone better for our son! Ugh!!!!!

Tundra Woman
Tundra Woman
6 years ago

My Dear, You are So Damn Done you done fried your brain. Consequently, all the cylinders are not firing in the correct order or any order for that matter. Let us review the situation with a bit less grease, clean up the spark plugs-actually, replace them with some new functioning ones-and re-write this opus with a little less operatic license and a lot more practicality. Here is the Red Neck Tundra equivalent of your narrative:

You had a successful fishing expedition at the local crick. (Poetic license for a body of water, any body as long as it’s wet. Yep, those qualify too.) You gutted the fish on the bank of said crick and it is now cleaned and has BEEN sitting on your kitchen counter overnight (for 6 damn years?!) because you got drunk (lost your damn mind) with your fishin buddies and it is now the next morning. Smell that rich aroma (WTF is that STINK?) of fish (strange crotch rot.) Fish is STILL (6 damn YEARS?) laying dead and decomping on the counter. Your only options are:
-watch until pupae mature
-watch until larve mature
-watch until worms appear
-watch until flies appear

Note not one of those options includes anything remotely related to “serve self a heaping helping of food poisoning.”

Do you really think your kids don’t know what’s going on? I’d say the kids have been holding their collective breath for at least 5 yrs. while you two “adults” jab and parry. Just please STTTAAAPPPPP!
Lay your weapon down. You’re battling over a field of rocks, debris, weeds, broken glass-hell, dead bodies have been located in more promising vacant lots in questionable neighborhoods than what you’re fighting over. Even the bodies are better looking.

You’re using your kids as meat shields. There is never a “perfect time” to do the crappy, hard, painful, suck-it-up buttercup, scary shit life demands of “Groan Ups.” There are the Perks of being a Groan Up like pizza and ice cream for breakfast (Yyeeesss! Fist Pump!) and then there’s the rest of it. This is “the rest of it.” Even Ms. Cleo of “Ms. Cleo’s Crystal Ball” fame woulda been kind enough to call this one honestly: The only consult you need is with an attorney.

Human beans have a tendency to hear what they want to hear. You paid a modern day “See-er” to tell you what you want to hear. Now you pay one to hear what you need to hear: Get your beleaguered ass to a lawyer. Just do it. Yesterday. Now. Move. I seee wwwoooorrrmmssssssssss…….

Skinwalker
Skinwalker
6 years ago
Reply to  Tundra Woman

>>>Even Ms. Cleo of “Ms. Cleo’s Crystal Ball” fame woulda been kind enough to call this one honestly: The only consult you need is with an attorney.<<<

As usual, great comment by the mighty Tudra Woman!

Living a nightmare live
Living a nightmare live
6 years ago
Reply to  Tundra Woman

This is great Tundra! Made me giggle my butt off! My son(17 and of course he knew way before me) and I were at the grocery a few weeks ago. We walked by the seafood department and it smelled rank. My son goes, “Oh, smells like dad’s whore just left!” So funny!

MJB
MJB
6 years ago

Lordy teenagers are priceless! This is a testament to you and your relationship with him. My son and I are so close too.

The ex only spent time with him when he coached his little league team and ole dad got the mega kibbles for being the coach of a great player. As our son grew and didn’t want to spend every waking hour practicing and didn’t bow to dad, ole dad discarded him. I could never understand how the ex could do this. It didn’t make sense. And the ex would get pissed when I spent time with our son. Son and I would wrestle and giggle, just goofing off. It would enrage the ex.

Now I realize he’s a narc with a young ho. The kids and I spend quality time together. We are so much closer. Ex is shocked the kids don’t want to spend time with him. I spackled so much I think he thought he was a great dad too!!

Golfgrrl
Golfgrrl
6 years ago

One of the saddest parts of this letter is this sentence: “I am a relatively new chump.”

No. Honey, you’ve been a chump for a long time. This was the realization that gutted me to the core. The immediate pain sucked, but putting your past into perspective with the truth? Shattering.

So Done
So Done
6 years ago
Reply to  Golfgrrl

Golfgrrl,
Sigghhhhhh. Yes.

LettingGo
LettingGo
6 years ago
Reply to  Golfgrrl

I am sorry So Done, but Golfgrrl is right… you have been a chump for far too long. Your letter is heartbreaking because we have all been there. You are addicted to hopeium and it is a tough habit to break, but it can be done! I have three children ages 17, 22, 23 and I am 8 months from DDay (Aug 20 would have been 18 year anniversary), and my children are doing so much better! The youngest had severe anxiety around school performance because of the unrealistic expectations her dad put on her and now she is completely medication free and no longer sees a psychologist. The oldest felt pressure to become a doctor and recently stopped her med school application and applied to teachers college (has been accepted). My middle child tells me how proud is of me and that I am doing the right thing. He is in his last year of university and is in a healthy relationship. The dog (10 year old yellow lab) hasn’t had an accident on the floor since STBEXH moved out. My point is… you are your children’s role model and there is no way you would be okay with them being treated this way. Read your letter and pretend your daughter is the author. I promise you it gets better! Once I got over the shame (approx 6 months), went completely no contact and started sharing my story with people who have earned the right to hear it (I use the brief, friendly, firm approach for colleagues, aquatintances, cashiers in the grocery store, etc. “My husband and I are no longer together. He was doing more at CrossFit then working out.”) I have been healing!! It is true… we are going to be okay… we are going to be awesome!! I have learned many lessons from this heartbreak – I am more empathic to others, I am more present, I am grateful for every moment of joy AND I believe that I am worthy of love and belonging. You are not alone So Done. We are here with you.

mil23
mil23
6 years ago
Reply to  LettingGo

LettingGo – so happy to hear you are doing well!!!! Gives this new chump hope!!!! I am having such a hard time – only 8 weeks out. Keep telling myself I will be ok.

Skinwalker
Skinwalker
6 years ago
Reply to  LettingGo

>>>My point is… you are your children’s role model and there is no way you would be okay with them being treated this way. Read your letter and pretend your daughter is the author.<<<

Great comment, LettingGo!

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Golfgrrl

Goodness, yes. Worded perfectly.

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago

Be prepared for a very heavy dose of “You’re not the boss of me!” (The CL archives should have plenty of material on this.)

I also made the mistake of believing that KK had a modicum of decency after I told her the marriage was done. I had to grudgingly accept that she wasn’t leaving the house, but I told her early on “I don’t want the girls nor I to be hearing any conversations between you and any of your new ‘friends’. Take all of that outside the house.”

All I got in response was “I have the right to have phone conversations on my own house.”

Underlying this but unspoken was:
“Because I can.”
“Because I want to.”
“Because it pleases me.”
“Because you can’t do anything about it.”
“Because there’s no law, statute or ordinance preventing me from being an asshole if I want.”

(This even extended to her blasting a Dan Savage sex podcast from the bedroom while the girls and I were home. When I heard the words “fisting” and “tickle fetish” I sent her a text telling her to use headphones or turn down the volume. Her response was “I believe I have the right to listen to a podcast in my own home” — but she did stop listening to it.)

10 months of hell that I had to manage as best I could in front of my daughters. But the documentation of it all made for interesting reading when a GAL was assigned by the court to weigh in on custody. I don’t know whether you’re in a similar situation (certainly not for your college bound daughter) but if you think you’re headed for court, you might want to document all of this, and any more brazen behavior it may lead to. If nothing else, it will help solidify and validate his shittiness, and hopefully get your righteous anger riled up more than it is now.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

UX, I posted my response before I finished all the comments, but I fully agree. He’s all “you aren’t the boss of me.”

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

UX, my situation was the same! It’s amazing how they can twist in their minds fucked up behavior being perfectly normal. Sadly, I didn’t document all of his twisted shit, because I got the impression the court just didn’t care about his lack of morality. I did however have to start using parenting software to FORCE him to be a parent! He’d come and go as he pleased, and since I was a SAHM, it was apparently my job to be the sole parental figure. Once he knew his lack of time with the kids was being documented, he had to save his image! Of course his interpretation was “I was trying to control him” Nope fuckface, just trying to get you to be a parent!

StaryEye
StaryEye
6 years ago

It is awful to try and