Did Anyone Throw the Cheater Out Immediately?
Dear Chump Lady,
We know the scenarios, the crying, the hopium. We know about the fury and the sorrow. Looking back, most of us can see what we would have done differently after D-day or abandonment, but we haven’t gotten to see what the Mightiest Chumps did or how they handled it.
Can you please ask for stories from the Chumps who were able to throw their FWs out the door and not look back? Perhaps stories from those who stood up and straight and said, “You done messed up, Billy Ray, now you can try your crazy-making on my attorney. Bye!”
Speaking as a Chump, I wish someone had told me on D-day that the very best thing I could do was not to second guess my instincts or back down in fear of the not-so-bright future …and just tell FW it was all done because of his choices.
So please…? What extraordinary proactive steps did some of the Mightiest Chumps take, and how did they handle it?
HunnyBadger
P.S.
ALL Chumps are mighty in the end. Just surviving the whole ordeal qualifies us for a Medal of Honor.
***
Dear HunnyBadger,
Well, I didn’t. Which is why this blog is named Chump Lady and not Sensible Lady. Everyone’s trajectory is different. However, in my experience running this place, the overwhelming regret is that folks didn’t end it sooner. Even those that didn’t get the choice — they were abandoned — look back in relief later, once the full horror of the double life is revealed.
But some never chase the unicorn. It’s game over.
So, your letter is today’s Friday Challenge. CN — did any of you lawyer up right away? Take pro-active gain-a-life steps? Throw the bum out immediately?
Inspire us!
TGIF!
I wouldn’t say my story is inspiring but I definitely found my boundary and told him to GTFO. I could barely stand up as I was so traumatized and I didn’t even have the full truth at first. But I felt so deeply disrespected that some small part of me, after years of being devalued, finally stood up and said NO. And then the real abuse started! He couldn’t handle my boundary and he got mad when I got a lawyer etc etc. But I kept building the wall, cutting him out of every aspect of my life and sealing it up so he couldn’t impact me anymore. He eventually gave up and moved away, but I never did give him a second chance or let him have his “open marriage” that he wanted to retroactively apply once I found out he’d been cheating for most of our 25 year marriage. Good riddance!
We weren’t married but I did leave immediately. I was 24 and dating a partner track lawyer at a big law firm in a big city for about a year. Young, trusting, gullible. Apparently being married made him more desirable to become partner in the law firm. Anyway, we were talking marriage. He was in Europe for a week and I was watching his condo. I peeked in his journal to see if I could find out when he was going to propose and found out everything. People at work, people at our gym, dating apps. He was busy. I gathered all my stuff from the condo, didn’t even damage anything though it was tempting. Called him and told him (on voicemail because, Europe) that I knew everything and never to call me again. It’s now 20 years later and his third wife is a 30 year old. Yikes!
Wife #3. No surprise there.
LOVE your online name! 😅
It’s so cliche to say, but you dodged a bullet. Your story really goes to show cheaters don’t change.
I did!!! He was one foot out the door, told me he thought he should move out and live on his own but wouldn’t say why. At first I asked him to do marital counseling with me. He had agreed. Within a day and a half, I had talked him into telling me he was having an affair. He said he didn’t want to end it and didn’t want to do counseling. I said pack some things and pack for a long time because you need to GTFO because you don’t live here anymore. I told him I would be packing his belongings. Within two weeks I had hired a lawyer, had him talked into a separation agreement and went no contact for all but any logistics. Within days I was in therapy. Within two months I had hit the road with my dog on a ten week cross country soul journey road trip. I was in individual therapy with one therapist, and group therapy with Vicki Stark, of Runaway Husbands fame. Did I have moments of weakness? Well, yes I did. For about 4 days when I came
home from my trip, I fell apart and asked him to come home. He agreed then didn’t do it. It just about killed me. However, I met with him and questioned him and learned he had been cheating our entire 23 years together. It was ultimately what led me to complete understanding of who he really was. Not long afterward, within 6 months of filing for divorce, our divorce decree came through. I needed a dog sitter to start dating, so for a couple of
months I used the FW and AP, unbeknownst to them. Hahaha I went on dates and went out of town to reconnect with an old flame while they took care of the dog. It was very satisfying to use them in that way. After we had to put the dog down, I went complete no contact with the FW. I have no regrets and a great deal of self pride in my integrity and strength. It’s never been easy, but I am so glad I was able to say “GTFO, you don’t live here anymore,” from the get-go.
You are so mighty!
He texted me while I was on a business trip in Chicago. I told him to be out of the house when I got home. I caught an early flight, met my kids for dinner while he got his shit out, told them he was leaving and we never looked back. He left in mid- September and the house was sold and me and my kids had our new place in early December. I found out about the OW a few months in, but he had changed so much as a person leading up to his “I need some time away” and treated me and the kids with such disrespect, I just never looked back. I did try to understand “why”a little longer than I wish I had, but then he sent me a text meant for her by mistake and it all made sense. But I take pride that I never once did the dance. My only real regret is that I expected and tried to force him to be a father that I thought he was, but in reality he never knew how. I was the one propping him up to be a better man, and to do the right thing. Under a difference influence, he chose to treat his kids as simply a financial transaction and now they have no relationship with him. Even his mother stated she is bewildered by the person he has changed into. So in the end I believed we would truly be better without him, and after five years I know we are.
LL “I was the one propping him up to be a better man, and to do the right thing. Under a difference influence, he chose to treat his kids as simply a financial transaction and now they have no relationship with him. ”
Yep, shocking, but in retrospect I realise how much denial was at work within me.
Cheating fathers hurt the children’s mother. When you hurt a child’s mother, you necessarily hurt the child. Ergo, fathers who cheat can never be good fathers. It’s not possible, IMO. Same goes for cheating mothers or any cheater where another partner and a joint child is involved.
That should be up there with the Lola Doctrine of “Cheaters never trade up.”
I read this kind of thing so often – oh, he’s a great dad – and I think, UMMM, NO ACTUALLY.
The CBN Doctrine: “Cheaters aren’t good parents.”
Discuss.
But I need why they never trade up to be studied.
https://www.chumplady.com/2018/05/cheaters-never-trade-up-the-lola-doctrine/
Totally this!!! This I do regret. Don’t marry potential. Lesson learned. But my poor kids. They are struggling.
“I was the one propping him up to be a better man, and to do the right thing.”
Don’t marry potential!!!
Yes.
LL: you are mighty! My ex is a different person too & my kids look to me to remain a stable force. I am curious about the mistaken text you received? Can you share? I received one that was meant for the OW: “are you gonna make me wait or what?” 🤮
I remember that D-Day was a Wednesday and I was wrecked for 48 hours. Cold Slab O’Meat packed my sobbing stepdaughter in his car and shipped her off to stay with her mom. She never spent another night in our home, because Slabbo wanted to immediately present the Sluterus as my replacement.
In those few hazy days I found this site and the book. So when the Manhoe helped himself to food I cooked or asked me if SD’s mom really could sue for full custody based off his Noo Twu Wuv, instead of Pick Me Energy I gave him Who TF Do You Think I Am.
By Sunday I was exhausted but I could not sleep around him and he refused to leave. Not his house, mine only. I insisted he get his own phone plan. So I went to my sister’s to take a nap and when I woke up it was nearly evening. I remember those days when I had to remember this nightmare was real every single day, and then had a wave of nausea and disbelief that wasn’t equaled until my son passed away.
My nephews train forJujitsu and could not believe he refused to leave the house I inherited from their grandparents. They wanted to go tell him to GTFO or Find Out. But we all knew this was the Sunday of the Red Wedding on Game of Thrones and I knew how much they loved that show!
So yes. I scheduled my GTFO speech around Game of Thrones. My sister had just bought a house and the boys instead packed my SUV with a dozen moving boxes.
I arrived home after the episode, dropped the stack of cardboard at his feet and said, ‘If Stepdaughter isn’t coming back, pack your shit and GTFO of my house.’
He was gone in two weeks. I wasn’t strong, unloving him was a process. He made it easier by revealing he was a complete and utter fraud.
“I wasn’t strong, unloving him was a process.” I think you were amazingly strong, and unloving is brutally hard work, maybe the hardest step of all as so much loss is involved on so many levels, past, present and the future we had imagined for ourselves. I am so sorry for the loss of your son.
You are mighty beyond mighty! I am so sorry about your son, but still in awe of how you handled the FW.
You are incredible. I’m also so sorry to hear about the loss of your son. I’m glad he got to experience your mighty mom side.
How kind of you. You’d be delighted to know that my smart mouth is hereditary. When he did move his things no friends or family would help him.
He asked if Sluterus could and I said I’d have an ice pick for her eye socket if she ever set foot on my property.
He begged my son to help. My son said, ‘Dude, I am NOT helping you cheat on my mom.’
I’m so sorry about the loss of your son. You are mighty.
I definitely did the crying and begging with my first cheater. But then I found chump lady, and did the therapy thing, and by the time five years had gone by and I was faced with a cheating fiance, the story went quite differently.
I found the messages with his AP when he was in the car on his way to play golf. I called him up and said, “who is X?” He said a friend. I replied “Cool, because I’m reading your messages right now.” He responded with something like oh fuck, and I just said “You don’t live here anymore. Your stuff will be on the porch.” I hung up. A friend was already on her way over, and she had the brilliant idea of exchanging his laptop for my house keys, which SHE did for me.
Ostensibly, he left thinking he was off to play a round, but in actuality he never set food in our/my house again (he had moved into my place). I’m not even sure the legality of it–I’m sure he had some kind of tenant rights despite not having a contract–but he wasn’t smart enough to pursue that avenue. I never saw him again. Sure, he called, and left messages, and sent letters, and even called my sisters. But as far as I was concerned, I was done. The last contact we had is when I told him the time the rest of his stuff would be on the porch, and he called me a “fucking feminist with no job.” I was a post doctoral fellow in gender studies at the time, so I would argue I wasn’t exactly an unemployed slouch.
I won’t lie–this opportunity to redo the reaction from the first time was incredibly satisfying. It’s a testiment to Chump Lady and this whole community that the script was very different the second time around.
My post-divorce-from-a-cheater-boyfriend claimed to also be a chump. Turns out he had a double life. I wrote to CL & she published my letter “Chumped by Two Chumps” back in March 2021. The moment I found out he was a cheater I up & went home. What I did do – against Mr CL’s advise of if it feels good don’t do it – was take 4 garbage bags of his shit & dump them in front of the door of the new apartment he moved into on the very same day I found out about the double life. I taped signs about him being cheater, not a real man, a loser & a dirt bag to the bags & made sure I made a lot of noise doing it so his new neighbors would be sure to poke their heads out into the hallway (he wasn’t home at the time). When they did I made sure to tell them that yup, their new neighbor is a cheater. In classic FW style he reached out to me several times to say he needed to return some of my stuff. Each time I said just throw it out. He never mentioned what I did. By the way I took photos & shared them privately with my besties.
I love everything about what you’ve just said! The D-day conversation here started with me discovering a few clues and texting him, “Who is Rachel Pittman?”, to which he immediately texted back — almost exactly like your FW — “A friend. Why?”
I was in full trauma almost immediately and made all the wrong moves. My regret is that I didn’t immediately tell him to get his things and leave.
Just the same, I will hold on to the mental image of your second FW being out on the porch before he even got home. That is a wonderful scenario.
HB,
I intercepted a call on his cell.. I was not suspicious, but the phone was next to me and he was across the room. It WAS really late. I asked “who is X?” and he replied “I don’t know”. It was a FB call, so her profile pic was showing. Having a pretty young woman calling at midnight obviously was not something he could wriggle out of. But it’s amazing how hard they’ll try to lie to the bitterest of ends.
Since when is being post doctoral fellow not having a job??? I guess in cheaters’ minds, anything they think of is possible. What a piece of work.
Wow did that mask fall with a thud– “feminist with no job”? He ran off to join the Incels I take it.
So despite having “no job,” you provided the housing for this douche-bro.
“ he left thinking he was off to play a round, but in actuality he never set food in our/my house again”
How satisfying! Thanks for sharing this, and even though it sucks you had to go through all that a second time — you nailed the leaving part!
My story is a bit weirder than most in that I don’t have a D-Day per se. FW and I were together for 10 years and for the last three months, he changed completely. I didn’t know what was going on. I was jealous of Schmoopie but didn’t really think she was actually a Schmoopie – I thought this was insecurity on my part as I have always been insecure , and FW of course was more than happy to feed into this narrative.
However, after many attempts (some more successful than others) to make me feel guilty and controlling for asking him to take a step back from his very deep friendship with Schmoopie, and my being extremely confused about where my best friend had gone, I told him I was leaving, and left. Then he begged for me back. I thought he had seen the light.
We set out some agreements on how to move forward and I kept all of my share. He didn’t keep a single one of his. Three weeks after some more mindfuckery he finally discarded me. And that’s when I saw the light. Although he never confessed, it was so clear to me at that moment that Schmoopie was indeed a Schmoopie. I didn’t even ask. He said “I am not 100% with you and therefore I can’t be with you right now.” And I said “No, you can’t be with me, period”. He said fine. I said “From now on we only talk logistics. Take what you need for a couple of days and arrange to move the rest. Leave the keys”. He protested that he wanted to come in whenever he pleased. I said “I am not sure you realise that this is not your home anymore” (the place belongs 100% to my mom).
So I am not sure if that counts, but it’s the best I got. I am not sure what I would have done had I had a D-Day. Probably if I hadn’t already lived the mindfuck phase I would still have tried the RIC tenets. But the only word I have to say to a mindfuck is BYE.
Now I revel in the fact that he knows that I left him first, even if I came back, and that he knows I never ever begged for him back. (Evil laugh).
It counts.
All of us dancers revel in your mightiness.
I did The Dance and cried, and begged and tolerated abuse and blah blah. I did, however, get mighty when I was finally free.
My husband wouldn’t leave I had to, cheaters I have learned have no integrity, why would I expect him, my husband of 30 years to not throw his wife onto the street, it would be so out of character to do otherwise. So I will have to fall back onto one of the cheaters I have encountered since the demise of my marriage. This particular one I was living with after being super cautious and waiting for him to reveal himself for 2 years, I sadly moved in. Fast forward 5 years when he is future faking a trip we could take that summer. I went inside and lo and behold a message from the other woman was coming through on his phone, thanking him profusely for their time together. I had just read an article on how to get the OW to confess who it is. I said “who is this” she blurted out her name, I repeated “who””she then stated where and when they had met, “when I had been at my sisters” “well of course I had not been at my sister so lie to her lie to me what did he care as long as he was getting what he wanted. I then took a picture of the texts with my phone so he could not just come in and erase it and call me crazy. As he leisurely strolled into the kitchen with the Sunday roast beef, I told him I had just had a lovely conversation with “blank” and I think I have been wasting the last 5 years. I packed and walked in a pandemic no less. No vaccines at the time. It took him months to come up with a story that she was really a lesbian, oh God help me, I had seen with my own eyes how she swooned over him every time she was in his orbit. I sent him a lovely email telling him how I would always cherish our time together. He then said oh lets meet next week, at which point I blocked him from my life, completely. He was engaged to someone else 6 months later. I love these stories because you couldn’t even make them up, no one would believe you unless they have lived it and we have. Oh p.s. the marriage was halted by his alert children who could sniff out a gold digger at 100 paces.
I didn’t throw him out because I had just had a baby and was a postpartum mess and in shock and denial about the initial evidence I found. He moved out asap on his own.
But… he left loads of stuff when he moved out. Fueled by rage and despair, I found and boxed up every possession of his and put them on my back porch. I needed his stuff out before I could legally change the locks. He was shocked I did that.
I made him take the boxes during the next 2 kid exchanges. I never wanted him in my house again. 4 years later, and he has never entered my home (he has tried through various forms of manipulation).
He thought I’d fight for him and we’d keep hanging out as a family through the divorce proceedings. But even broken, I managed to set the most important boundary of my life.
I don’t know why they think ‘we’d keep hanging out out as a family’. Like seriously!? Family dinners? Movie night??? They are out of their fkn minds.
I found out about his affair with my “best friend” on a Friday morning. Ironically enough it was the morning of his vasectomy and I took the day off from work to drive him. While I sat there eating breakfast, a text came to his phone from her that said “good luck today!” Which I thought was a bit weird. When I clicked on the text, the whole thread opened and there it was, just two texts before that.
I would say that my main mistake was confronting him immediately and calling her immediately as well. The pain and anger in my voice, the crying, etc…. It’s what she WANTED! If you are ever in this situation, WAIT!!! Don’t show all your cards!
Anyway, he went for his appointment, slept the night in the guest bedroom, and the next day I told him to GTFO. He packed his things into garbage bags and went to a hotel.
I went to an amazing therapist and I will end this story by passing on my favorite piece of advice… when I was wavering about getting a divorce, she asked me to close my eyes and pretend a friend had told me this story. What would I tell a friend? And I blurted out “I would tell her to divorce him!” And she said “I think you have made your decision”.
I rely on this “friend” tip, too. It really works to sort things out.
I’ve tried some online dating and it works the same. I say to myself, “What would my friend, Ann, respond in this situation?” And if the person who is claiming to want to date me isn’t speaking to me with the same level of care and respect, returning messages, being kind, apologizing or asking to clarify misunderstandings…… he is obviously not someone I want to be with anyway.
I think that’s where I made my early mistakes in marrying a FW. I never put anyone through the “are you high enough character to be a good friend to me?” test. I thought a Prince Charming that showed interest in me would somehow magically be the right one and I needed to trust in the process. I blame Disney for that bullsh**. And now talk with my granddaughters about this Disney barf.
If a person is not passing basic character tests for a friendship, why in the heck would you want to commit to a marriage with them? Makes absolutely no sense but little girls are taught that this whole “true love” thing is magical and their wee little brains won’t be able to comprehend the grand wonder of it all unless they quiet their minds and just surrender.
tallgrass, “If a person is not passing basic character tests for a friendship, why in the heck would you want to commit to a marriage with them? Makes absolutely no sense but little girls are taught that this whole “true love” thing is magical and their wee little brains won’t be able to comprehend the grand wonder of it all unless they quiet their minds and just surrender.” God, so YES!!
And the irony is that little boys are told nothing of becoming some maiden’s rescuer, a noble knight on a white steed, a prince with honourable intentions and wonderful manners. No, they are at no point prepared to be even so much as a decent friend to a female, at least not by society. I realise some parents are doing a good job, but historically, not so much.
It is so unbelievable, looking back, that I could have been so naive and gullible, but I have to confess that I overlooked a shitload of red flags with multiple FWs just because of being so convinced that a f’ing toad would be turning into a prince toute suite 🤦
That would be a great Friday Challenge -favourite thing you got out of a great therapist
I had 2 mediocre and 1Terrible so would love to hear
Many years ago, I was dating a guy. We were both Catholic and he had a partially finished theology degree. Before we started dating, I asked him if he was planning on being a priest because that’s a major reason Catholic guys get theology degrees. He said no. I said that if he decided to become a priest that I would end our dating relationship because I’ve seen a perverse form of pick me dancing where a guy has a serious girlfriend and keeps telling her that he’s gonna break up to be a priest “someday” so the girl is always working harder to keep him while he’s got a foot half out of the relationship. (None of these guys ever became priests – presumably because seminaries don’t pick-me-dance.). I’d wish him well – but I’m not fighting for a guy who isn’t willing to commit to me.
Anyways, we date exclusively for half a year. I ignore a ton of red flags (poor employment record, intermittent depression, and alcoholism I won’t recognize fully for a few years….)because I am in love….but I am starting to question if this is a good relationship for me. At around five months, he becomes a very attentive, fun boyfriend again and I’m glad we’ve turned the corner.
Six weeks later he dumps me. By Facebook Messenger at 3AM after we had been on a date that night. In the FB Message from Hell, he informs me that he’s been planning to go on a vocational retreat for future priests in three hours. He’s been planning this for 8 weeks and didn’t tell me until the last possible minute because he knew I’d break up with him if I knew – and he didn’t want to break up. (Which sounds slightly better than “I liked bumming around your apartment more than being in my parents’ house so I lied! Off to priesthood for me!”)
I had a therapist who I called the next day. She warned me that he was going to be very apologetic and would attempt to make up with me in…oh…12 days after he had crashed and burnt at the retreat, gotten back to our state and realized he was still living at home but without a girlfriend to boot. She encouraged me to stay connected with the anger I felt at having to tell all our friends, my friends and awkwardly…..his immediate family. Yup. He didn’t bother to tell his family on the way out.
The only thing my therapist got wrong was it was day 11 when he decided to hoover. I told him that I was so angry that I had no interest in seeing or talking to him – but I would contact him when I wanted to have him in my life again.
That’s the last time I communicated with him because I’ve never wanted someone who could lie to a loved one for weeks in my life. Last I heard, he was single in a rural state far away from me.
I took a year off from dating to create a fun, fulfilling life so I really got that I didn’t need a boyfriend to have a great life. I worked with my therapist on red flags and being willing to walk away from ‘fixer-uppers’. I used an online dating site and had some non-starter first dates and said “No, thanks” when I was just not into a guy. Eventually, I met a very kind, sweet, thoughtful and responsible man who I’ve been married to for over 10 years.
Therapy worked for me because I was working at making the best life possible for me – and my therapist was helping me. I don’t have much faith in couples’ counseling outside of individual counseling but doubly so when one partner is cheating. I wouldn’t want to throw good money after bad
I did!
When I discovered evidence of cheating, I meant to stay quiet for a while and surprise her with divorce papers, but I was too angry. I texted her about it while she was out with the Other Woman and told her not to come home.
I locked her out and packed all of her stuff in boxes.
She insisted that she had meant to tell me about the affair and ask for the divorce (she says she was planning to tell me in the car on the way to the beach, where we’d be spending a week in a rental with her entire family– nice), but I’m not sure I believe it.
It was easy to end things, even though I had a young child and a part time job, because she had treated me so poorly for so long that I didn’t see a marriage worth saving. I had already been thinking that single motherhood would be easier than caring for a baby AND catering to her whiny, selfish, entitled ass. The cheating was just the final straw.
“I had already been thinking that single motherhood would be easier than caring for a baby AND catering to her whiny, selfish, entitled ass.”
This. Right. Here.
I have 4. Newborn twins on my own was literally easier. Hope you’re thriving.
I love that 4 kids, two of them newborns, are STILL easier than living with a fuckwit. Yeah that checks out!
I’m doing great, thanks! I hope you’re thriving as well.
Last month, a relative of mine told me the sad story of how her brother (also my relative), who cheated on his wife (her SIL), had “meant to tell her [the wife]” and “was wracking his brain trying to figure out how to tell her” up until SIL’s friend overheard the AP bragging about her conquest. I listened with much awe as relative, rather unprompted, unfolded a whole sad sausage narrative for her brother. I wonder how many of us have heard, “I was going to tell you” or “I wanted to tell you but didn’t know how” or “I was planning to tell you on x date”?
I heard this a couple years ago when I found out that a “friend” of mine had been hanging out with another person that I’d confided to “friend” had tried to girl-bully me at work. I had asked if she and this other person were friends and hanging out before confiding anything. She let me talk to her about situations I couldn’t discuss at work for 18 months before I found out they were in fact friendsies. I waited for weeks after I found out to see if she’d mention it; when I finally brought it up, she said, like it was super casual, “Oh, I was going to tell you.” (She then switched tacks and cried and apologized ‘deeply,’ then switched again and called me abusive for asking her how she’d feel if I hung out with the guy who’d hurt her).
No but I was left immediately . He simply shrugged his shoulders and walked off leaving me in a foreign country . He want back to the hotel room emptied the safe ( including my passport , keys , wallet and every single penny ) and I’ve never once seen nor heard from him since that second . I mean not one word . In saying that I’ve never text him , begged him nothing I just let him go although it nearly killed me at the time .
I got back to Scotland on the Monday ( I took the original flight home) and he had packed and moved out so I phoned lawyers and got an appointment for a week on the Friday . I served him and her at work the following week and got divorced within 36 weeks . I don’t even wait the year minimum separation period by law as my case of adultery was iron clad as she was 8 months pregnant by then .
As my friends say he fucked about and found out you don’t fuck about on Karen
Stole your passport and other ID, hmm? That’s a crime, isn’t it?
What he did just infuriates me, and it should have resulted in some legal penalty for him. Talk about abandonment.
Wait, he STOLE your passport, wallet, and keys and then abandoned you in a foreign country with no way to leave the country? How did you get home?
Yep !! We were in Poland on my D Day he shrugged threw money in the table for our drinks and I’ve never once seen nor heard from him again as in ever !
It’s a long story but the short answer is the receptionist at my hotel who spoke English phoned the Polish police ( in Polish ) and they stopped him at the airport and managed to get my passport back . He said it was a total mistake he had it . But I had to phone the British consulate in Warsaw ( not where I was ) to get an emergency visa to get back to Scotland . But the police got my passport back so it worked out fine . There’s actually a really funny story behind this which you’ll find out about in the archives .
My ex never even left 1p I couldn’t even buy water the hotel receptionist had to . I had to get a locksmith to get me in my own house .
When I SaY he took everything I mean he took EVERYTHING . He cleared every thing out . I had not 1 thing not even a wallet with high school photos in it . He took that as well
Please tell me you cleaned him out in the divorce. What an asshole.
Holy sh**, I would have had the devil of a job resisting the urge for some serious revenge moves. I hope you got your stuff back eventually.
I was once dumped when arriving in a country, supposedly to go and live with a FW, who didn’t even bother to meet me at the airport. As he also worked there, he couldn’t exactly say he hadn’t been able to find it … I luckily had some aquaintances I could phone who turned out to be very generous and I eventually realised I had dodged a bullet – after several weeks of crying myself to sleep.
Fair play to you Karmeh!
You have to wait for 2 years after separation here in Ireland which is really p..ing me off now as I want to cut all ties asap, but I’m going to see my solicitor next week to discuss the possibility of a civil annulment. Then, if I am successful in that, I can go for the church annulment straight away , and I’ll be free of him completely, could even get married in church again if it came to it, though it’s highly unlikely!
I just want my freedom for freedom’s sake though! It must be lovely to be free!
In hindsight I guess that I could have thrown now Ex-Mrs LFTT out and then divorced her “on the spot” …. but I didn’t.
I spent too long trying to protect her from herself (her mental health issues were compounded by alcoholism) and not enough time/effort in protecting the kids (then 11, 16 and 18) from her and certainly not enough time protecting myself. Unfortunately I took “in sickness and in health” all too seriously, whereas she was playing fast and loose with “forsaking all others” and robbing me (and the kids) blind in the process. Ultimately, I was terrified that she would try and take the kids with her – which would have been catastrophic for them, as well as being very much against their wishes – and it was only once I’d got her agreement that they would stay with me that I was able to “ease her out of the door” – something that became even easier when she started blithering on about me lacking the emotional maturity to make an open relationship work and the extent of her theft became clearer.
I do try, however, to avoid second guessing myself and what I did then. What was important was that I got her out in the end and built a fantastic life for myself and the kids. That said, getting her out sooner would probably have reduced the amount of pain and manipulation that the kids and I were exposed to in getting there. I do admire, however, those who have the clarity of though and determination to have acted faster and more decisively than I did.
LFTT
LFTT having anything to do with FW’s is messy, but I admire how you persisted and so happy to hear you have your own place, that is my long term dream. Must be a wonderful feeling!
I laughed my head off that you lack “the emotional maturity to make an open relationship work” – such a prime example of mindfucking – and lucky for you that you do, LOL!
Sunny Side,
My emotional maturity is – and always was – absolutely fine ……. but there was no way that I was going to accept an open relationship under any circumstances and most certainly not with from someone who had just looked me in the eye and denied having an affair in the first place.
As you say, just another Cheater attempting mindfuckery.
Her AP is welcome to her; I hope that they are enjoying their pokey little single bedroom rental that the children refuse to visit.
LFTT
LookingForwardsToTuesday – I’m going to quote what my mom said my grandmother told her when she was talking to my grandmother about leaving my crazy, alcoholic father: “Sometimes you have to save yourself.” Which my mom did. Unfortunately, several years after she should have.
Well, she left him and built a good life for herself. I hope you’ve been able to do the same.
DoaC,
Thank you. It’s been 8+ years since D-Day and 6 years since the divorce was finalised, but 6 weeks ago the kids and I moved out of our rental and into a house that I own; it’s beautiful and all 4 of us love it.
LFTT
Despite a couple of hiccups, I plotted my course to divorce soon after DDay and stuck to it. I took advantage of her limerence period and did a little play-acting myself through some fake RIC sessions while I covertly met with counsel and got a decent settlement in place. So, 3 months after DDay she had found her own place; 2 months later she moved out, and my divorce was finalized 7 months post DDay. While it was painful as hell, at least it wasn’t too drawn out. Pretty proud and glad I stuck to my guns despite her making the hard sell to reconcile.
I love these posts. Give em what they want fast, before the have time to think.
Once I discovered his secrets and put a name to the AP, all hell broke lose. I made him move out of the house and filed for divorce a month later this year. Our divorce is almost final this month and just waiting on the signed decree.
My ex had lived a double life the entire time, with another family. He finally confessed as the OW had caught him. Everything made so much sense once he confessed. The lies, the gaslighting, the travel for work, my emotional issues… like deep down my body knew. I told him he should choose her, got his house keys, and hired a lawyer that same week. I held my anger and played chess until after mediation. Got what I wanted in the agreement as the poor, amicable ex wife. Then once the divorce was final, went grey rock and cut him out.
I was very unhappy in the marriage, had no idea why and saw the confession as a reason I could divorce him. It felt like freedom. It still hurt like hell that all those years were a lie. But freedom is sweet. I don’t feel mighty. I feel like a woman chumped for 20 years who will never trust again. But I do feel peace most days.
That is so horrible Terri Rific.
I am glad you are out of it, and wish the very best for you.
Another family…gah, how awful. I learned my cheater likely cheated for our entire 29 years, but (I believe) it was and endless parade of side fucks from work.
I found a partner who is worthy of trust and even though my very-chumped mind actually considers the idea that people do cheat and it is within the realm of possibility, I dont dwell on it. I promised myself that (like a story above) I danced at the first betraying husband, I would act quicker if the second one cheated, but really, I dont think he will.
Unicornomore – I hope not. I hope y’all will be very happy for the rest of your lives!
I’d grown up watching my parents’ awful marriage and worked out for myself as a child that infidelity was abuse. I’d always said so to my husband. When I found out he was cheating he didn’t deny it, just looked at me with those dead shark eyes. My daughter was 19 at the time and very close to him, and wanted to talk him out of it, so we had five days and nights of discussion for her sake. He was torn between going and staying, saying that we should decide any financial details between us, in a friendly way, if it happened, rather than go to lawyers. On day 5 I caught him on the phone to a lawyer, discussing divorce. I am a real doormat, and quite timid, but that was it, definitve proof I couldn’t trust him on anything ever again. I screamed, ‘Fuck off!’ at him, loaded his clothes into bin bags and threw them in his car. He scuttled about gathering paperwork while my daughter clung to his legs and wept. I told myself that 1) I would get a divorce 2) I would never support him financially again 3) I would never be faithful to him again, but that if I needed to I could date him. (I’ve always had a thing about drawing up rules for myself in crises.) I didn’t see him again for six weeks and by then he repelled me – smelled and looked weird – and I realised I never wanted to touch him again.
“we should decide any financial details between us, in a friendly way” = “do it my way so I can screw you”
“decide any financial details between us, in a friendly way, ”
Same with my fw. Actually he had already talked to a lawyer, and when I called him to tell him he need to file, he said if we both use his lawyer, we could save money. When I said no thanks, he said “that is your problem, you can’t think for yourself”. I said “you are right, that is why I hired someone to think for me”. I wish I had thought to say, and by the way you hired a lawyer, does that mean you can’t think for yourself? But he was right in that, at that moment in time, I was not thinking straight.
Anyway, I have no doubt upon hearing his “offer” which my lawyer nixed right out of the gate, his and his lawyers plan was to screw me into long term poverty, and unload the care of his aging mother on to me.
His mother and I were very close, so I am sure he was going to use my emotions to get that done. Had I not hired my own counsel, he might have been able to do it.
Not surprising, since you had helped to advance his career, they think we’d be willing to maintain the status quo, dear old Mom too 🙄
Wow! Fancy him trying to get you to look after his mother, too!
I made it about 2 1/2 weeks. At first I was in shock and didn’t know what to do, particularly since I had four kids including two young boys on the spectrum and an infant, and also being blind myself, I wasn’t sure I would be able to make it as a single parent. But as the disrespect increased (he would blatantly go out and spend time with her in the evenings after we got in fights) and the contempt for my children and I grew it became intolerable. The last straw was when his mother and stepfather came up to try and intercede on behalf of my kids and I and he began screaming at them like some petulant child. Never mind how he treated us, but if he was going to treat his mother that way, I knew there was no hope. As soon as his parents left, I told him to go pack his bags and get the fuck out. He had the balls to ask if he could go see the baby while she was sleeping and I said no. I made him get his overnight bag and get out. We were only a couple weeks away from our 15th wedding anniversary, and I was completely gutted as I had absolutely no idea he had been having an affair for the last six years with my former best friend. And then I somehow managed to go make dinner for the kids because they would be home from school soon, crying the entire time. But that was the last time he ever spent the night in my former house. Telling the kids when they got home from school that day was one of the hardest things I had to do, but it was also the right thing. And it’s one of the decisions I am most proud of now, even though it was the beginning of one of the hardest times of my life.
Good god, Cakeless, I don’t think I’ve ever heard a story quite as mighty as yours, and I’ve heard many. Everyone here is mighty, we all are, but some people have that extra level of kick-ass, not from the hand they were dealt, but from the way in which they HANDLED it like a fucking badass. 💜
Good to hear from you. How are you doing??
Hi LAJ! We are maintaining. It hasn’t been easy but every day I remind myself it’s better than it was. The twins ended up moving in with their dad, and have had their share of struggles along the way as a result, but the younger two remained with me. I am very proud that my younger son is on track to graduate at the end of senior year this year, and my baby is now getting ready to start fifth grade. While our living situation is far from ideal, and our money situation is much less than that, we have each other. My younger son makes me laugh so hard when he says he wants to grow up and be a strong, independent woman like his mama someday! Moments like that make it all worth it. Thank you so much for your kind words and support, everyone. It really means a lot especially when I have those moments of doubt where I ask myself if I’m 100% sure I did the right thing. But then I remind myself life offers no 100% certainty about anything, and sometimes you have to just jump and hope you will land on your feet.
I’m in complete awe of you Cakeless. You are so strong.
I’m in awe of you too, you’re truly heroic!
I hope life is good now, and you have supportive friends/family!
Cakeless, you had 4 little kids and are blind and you threw his ass out !? You are super-hero mighty and brave. Were you a stay at home mom at the time? Did you have help from family/friends or did you have to navigate this on your own. You are badass and Im in awe.
Thank you, unicorn. No, I don’t have any extended family and basically ended up getting through with the help of this blog, some long-distance friends and the support team for my boys. It was very hard and still is in a lot of ways, but the only thought that kept me going was that I didn’t want my children to think the way their dad treated me was acceptable and normal. I wanted them to have a shot at future healthy relationships, and while we are still struggling and it’s cost me my relationship with my older daughter, I would do it all over again if I had to. My twins, the two oldest, are now cautiously dipping their toes into relationships with varying degrees of success, my younger son avoids them like the plague, and my baby wants to grow up and have a family of her own someday. It will be interesting and time will only tell how successful they will be, But hopefully I have inspired them at least a little.
Cakeless, what a story of strength, integrity, and clarity. It feels so good to read this!
If you look at adult relationships, you did the right thing. Both my adult sons have wandered into and out of relationships and have both declared that they will never marry. My daughter has found a good partner and I hope they stay together. I was SO scared that she would find someone too-much like her dad but her BF seems very different.
It wasn’t during the 1st DD… two years later. I caught him chatting with schmoopie and ended it. For two weeks we lived together in misery, with him openly messaging other women while his daughter visited for summer break. Then, I was supposed to pick him up at the airport after flying his daughter home and he told me he would get an Uber since flight was delayed. I was tracking him using google maps and watched him go to someone’s house for 4 hours. That was it. I messaged his dad and told him to come get his punk ass. Told him his behavior had gotten too unstable. I packed his sh*t into trash bags and he was out that afternoon. I was lucky he didn’t know he could push back since legally, he didn’t have to go. But yeah, that was my last straw.
I am not mighty, I am following the plan so many of you laid forth.
2 months ago he tells me he had an entanglement 18 years ago, he feels terrible and has started therapy. He is full of remorse and needs me.
1 month 3 weeks ago he gave me his iPad to read on when an iMessage popped up, “confirming Monday at 10 am.” I googled the phone number thinking it was the therapist, but find out it is for an escort. I ask him about this and he falls apart. Rolls on the ground and says he is going to kill himself. Threatens to buy a gun, and after the 10 day waiting period in our state, he will kill himself. Keeps telling me to hush, that he needs baby steps.
1 month 2 weeks ago I email our family attorney about a post-nuptial agreement. STBX tells me he has been hiding his drinking and starts going to AA. STBX tells me he is in therapy twice a week and his therapist is wonderful helping him understand why he has been seeing sexworkers for the entire 35 year marriage. He tells me his therapist told him to answer all my questions. He is ready to be honest with me, but I need to be gentle with him. He has terrible FOO issues and is fragile.
I told him there was one question I needed answered, and it was a question to myself: “Is this acceptable to me?”
1 month 1 week ago the family lawyer finally answers and tells us she doesn’t do post-nuptial agreements and suggests we each get our own attorneys.
1 month ago we talked to an attorney about a separation agreement, we have no minor children. STBX was remorseful and I got a list of assets, including Bitcoin that is in his name only and over $1.6M. I insisted STBX file as plaintiff, because so many of you suggested that.
2 days ago I was served.
Today I will sign the paperwork.
Within the month we should be legally separated, with the financial terms decided.
I am not mighty, I am numb. I am 60 years old and recently retired. Married 35 years, 3 children. Together 42 years. Only lover I have had.
I had sex with that man 2-3 times per week for over 41 years. Every time he would hold me and tell me he loved me and say “the sex keeps getting better and better.”
But sex workers are not acceptable to me.
That is just awful. I am so sorry! You did the right thing. It is NOT acceptable. Now that you have the truth, you took action. Before you didn’t have the truth. He was lying to your face.
I have a question. Why is it better for him to be the plaintiff?
NotAcceptable – you are truly mighty. Keep on the road you are on. I imagine you are still in shock.
I turn 63 next month & I divorced after 35 years of marriage. XH hired sex workers over all those years too. I had a few preliminary DDays & he claimed alcoholism, sex addiction,
and molestation by a babysitter when he was 10 AFTER he was caught out. I had trickle truth rather than one big shock.
What I can’t wrap my head around 3 years later is how someone leads a double life for years and can live with themselves. Since I’ve been NC for 2 years, it has become so obvious how poorly he treated us, and how I never really knew him. I don’t angst any more about “what am I doing wrong.” Life is peaceful. I like myself, & my kids, and my friends.
Your STBX seems to be doing all the classic drama to get others to feel sorry for himself & to avoid responsibility. If he can hire sex workers, he is capable of dealing with his own attorney, finding an apartment, and taking care of himself.
I hope you got tested for STD.
Wishing you peace!
It’s OK to not be mighty. I’m just a bit older than you. I do a lot of volunteer work with women like us, and I always tell them that it’s better figure out reality a bit late than not at all. It certainly took me awhile, but at least I didn’t have custody issues because of that.
“I insisted STBX file as plaintiff, because so many of you suggested that.
2 days ago I was served.”
That is what I did. For me it was at the time an emotional thing, I figured since he broke it and he wanted the D, he should file. I had gone to a lawyer and told the lawyer that, and he said; actually if he files it can give me (the lawyer) a little more advantage in the case. So the next am I called fw and said you want the D, you file; and the sooner you do it the sooner it is over.
Of course had he not filed shortly thereafter, I would have had to.
But, I know it likely feels good to go out and file, it is not always the best option. But, in the end you have to do what you have to do.
Even in a no fault state which mine was, there are ways and means. Especially if there has been dissipation of marital assets, and in my case I didn’t need to prove it all. All I needed was a few Credit card charges to prove a pattern.
It certainly didn’t put me on easy street, but it got me out of that cesspool with no debt and a small savings, plus a small apartment sized house that was paid for.
NotAcceptable, you are so Mighty! I’m 63. It’s really ok on the other side here. I found that the lies were financial, about work, about family life, about drinking. It isn’t just the affairs: they lie about everything.
These stories are amazing but I’m also crying non stop
Well, I didn’t, but I do have a favorite story. It has been many years — before mobile phones and electronic everything — so my details may be adjusted. But the spirit of what happened is still the same. (I’ll never know because she’ll never see this site because she was so damn mighty from the start!)
I had a friend who, as I remember it, didn’t live with her boyfriend but stayed at his place a lot. It was winter holiday season. She went to see him — I think in his office — and caught him mid-shag with a woman.
This boyfriend had a huge collection of crystal ornaments, and would only allow white lights on his Christmas tree to ensure the desired effect.
His zeal to finish the task he had started with schmoopie gave her a solid head start.
She said the sound when the 7 foot high tree went over was like a million angels got their wings. Tinkling shattering sounds for miles, and glittery glass shards everywhere, like a winter art installation.
She walked to a back room, grabbed a carry on bag of his, and packed her personal items, and one unbroken crystal ornament, in it.
He walked in and saw the destruction. She came out with the bag, screamed at him for a short time, and walked out, with his bag, full of her things, including her new ornament. She was done, no waffling.
We were in our mid twenties, and I still marvel at her clarity and self-worth at that age. There wasn’t a stitch of her that was willing to tolerate that bullshit for one second.
Her name was Anne. She used to say “fuckin A” a lot, so we nicknamed her “Fuckin Anne”.
So, every so often I STILL tell myself to channel Fuckin’ Anne when I need to do something tough. 😊
“She said the sound when the 7 foot high tree went over was like a million angels got their wings. Tinkling shattering sounds for miles, and glittery glass shards everywhere, like a winter art installation.”
I love that, I know if it feels good don’t do it. But sometimes, you just need to.
I don’t think she was thinking much at the time. She decisively acted to get her things and leave him, and the tree was just a spontaneous smash room opportunity that was between her and her stuff. It’s understandable. Probably best he wasn’t home!
<——- raising hand. I threw mine out out of the house on D-day, which was the day I discovered his AT LEAST five year prostitute habit and got to read some of his hundreds of reviews of them online. Keeping him in the house was not an option. D-day was a Thursday and I was filing for divorce by the next week. Of course, I then spent the next seven months “making sure I was doing the right thing,” even letting him move back in for about a week. The lies continued, however, and that was the end of that. The only change I would make, looking back, is I would’ve married an actual human being who wasn’t a sexual predator preying on very young, probably trafficked girls. A 20 year mistake on my part. Lesson learned.
Mine was 100% certain he was leaving me for his new girlfriend that he’d gotten together with while on a work trip, so I had no choice in that part of the matter. He did, however, expect to stay at our apartment a while while they were dating. I clarified that right up, and he left two days later with no hesitation or regret or indecision. The abandonment with brutal, but, yes, looking back I’m thankful. And I saw a lawyer friend (not family law, just a friend who pointed me in the right direction) the same day as he left, I think. And then I looked into lawyers and the whole process and organized that, and we were divorced within six months of him coming home from that trip and announcing he was leaving. It was great to get the legal tie cut quickly. But my healing took a long time, even so, because my heart had to catch up. But I suspect that my healing was greatly helped by having those ties cut soon with the ex and especially by him not waffling at all and just fall-out leaving me suddenly. Like ripping off a band-aid…
I had D day after D day. Just never confronted the FW. When I did the conversation went “I cannot live like this any more. You need to choose between your family or your girlfriend.” I know the strength for that conversation came from a higher power. I lawyered up shortly after. It was a good thing I did because FW refused to leave “his house”. The abuse to me and the triangulation of the kids really ramped up once that happened. However, I was the one paying the mortgage since he was too busy funneling money into a secret account. Anyway, there is a statute in NC called “divorce from bed and board”; A court order to throw out a cheater or an abuser. He got served and had 2 weeks to move out or the sheriff’s department was going to move him out. I would not have known about this if it wasn’t for my attorney. Of course he moved out on day 13 and went immediately to “she’s not my girlfriend’s” house. Locks were changed the next day, security system installed 2 days after that. This Mama doesn’t play.
My advice is: if you know you can handle the mortgage or rent, kick them out.
Met ex at 16, dated through high school. He moved in at 19 when we had our first child, narcissistic mother didn’t give a crap about him his whole life and his father passed away a few days before he was born. My family welcomed him with open arms and truly gave him the stability and family he never had. Life was good, education, successful careers for both of us, we were the picture perfect family. After 23 years of marriage, I got the ILYBINILWY talk suddenly one day. I decided I would move out thinking that we just needed some time and counseling to work on our marriage. He had been acting odd since I returned from a trip to Europe with our adult daughters a few months earlier. Little did I know what was going on. While I was living with my mother a couple miles away during this sudden separation I started to look into a few things that just didn’t seem right to me and within a few days I discovered that was he was sleeping with one of my best friends. She’d always make comments about my “good life” and told others she was jealous of the life he was providing me, never taking into account that I actually had a career and made more than my ex did. She came from nothing and her life was going nowhere. My ex thought he was the center of the universe and relished her sudden attention. So throw in a couple bottles of whiskey one night during my trip overseas and while her husband was at work and thats how their “true love” relationship started. When I wrapped my head around the discovery I called him within minutes and confronted him about it and he admitted everything. I immediately left work. While on the drive home, I called my mother, our adult children and secured an awesome attorney. I also called the The AP’s husband (FW’s best friend) who had recently filed for divorce. I told him what was going on and he had already suspected which is why he filed for divorce. Unfortunately, he didn’t have much proof until someone took a late night picture of them together at a casino. Coincidentally that was a couple of days before I got “the talk”. FW thought I’d be so distraught that I wouldn’t put the timeline together. Her ex was gathering evidence to present to me because he knew the gaslighting and lies that were taking place and wanted to be sure he could fully show the affair was indeed happening. FW and AP were master liars. I exposed them to our entire group of friends since she wouldn’t answer my call. I had tickets I had purchased to a show and was “confirming” with everyone on the friend group text time, day etc. I put her on blast and asked her if she was going to be able to join us that day or if she was scheduled to be fucking my husband again. It felt glorious. Again, all on my drive home. I arrived at our home, cheater arrived shortly after. I told him to GTFO and reclaimed our home. He gathered most of his things and left. This was Thursday and on Saturday I packed his remaining items into two garbage bags, which is exactly how he moved in with me and my family years prior, no more than two garbage bags full of items to his name. It came full circle in some strange way and I pointed out the irony to him. My attorney filed, served and I was divorced from FW within 9 days. This was 5 years ago. Since then, while I’ve had some moments and it took a great deal of therapy for me and for my adult children we are doing well. AP and her ex had a long, bitter divorce which I’m pretty sure my ex funded for her. Her ex is remarried to a wonderful woman and I had the honor of attending his wedding. Like it or not he and I are strangely bonded by the trauma. We occasionally speak and check in on one another and have a good laugh at the two idiots. Our children no longer speak to their father as he’s essentially abandoned them to help raise AP’s two young children. (Yes, we were done raising our kids and he’s saddled himself to do it all again, lol) I have been living life, dating, traveling, continuing my successful career path, looking and feeling better than I have. Great relationship with my kids and will be walking my daughters down the aisle in the future while all he has is affair partner, the responsibility and credit destroying that comes paying for all of her expenses. They abuse alcohol and it looks like they’ve picked up a healthy coke habit as well. He looks horrible and gripes to others about the toxicity and huge blow outs the two of them have, constantly fighting, breaking up and getting back together. Many people have pulled away from him because he’s out of control with his substance abuse. People who see me comment on my exciting life of travel and continued success and ask what I’m doing to stay looking so great. I tell them my advice: Stay away from assholes. Thank goodness I found Chump lady and Vikki Stark. Their words of advice helped me through. You can do it!! You are all mighty.
You’re my hero.
I love the group email. You are a role model for us all!
Although it sounds amazing to leave a cheater straight away, it’s pretty rare. Most chumps are truly chumped and blind-sided. A DDay is horrific and traumatizing. So even if you always thought you’d be brave and strong and kick out a cheater the minute you found out (I thought I would), the reality is that we all have human reactions to trauma — shock, grief. It’s very hard to overcome it. Most of us will tell you that the stages of grief are very real… denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It’s hard to overcome our natural instincts. And most of us feel very alone and afraid when we go through it. Or worse, you were pressured by friends or others to reconcile (I had people I barely knew telling me that I had to take FW back for my son – thankfully it wasn’t an option for me). My only point here is that if you were able to leave a cheater in one day or it took you multiple DDays and years, there’s no shame in it.
My cheater left me, as you all know. And I got a lawyer right away and served him in 2 weeks. Was it because I was mighty and strong? No. I was afraid for me and my son. I was terrified. I was a SAHM and FW was threatening me with financial control. My therapist still told me that I was mighty for moving forward — even though I cried every week in therapy and lost 25 pounds in a month and had anxiety attacks and didn’t sleep for nearly a year. But she did say I was very lucky that he left — because there was no decision to be made over reconciling. At the time I didn’t feel like that. How could he just leave me? Why didn’t he ever want me back? Now I’m forever grateful that asshat left me. Thank goodness for that.
It was April 17th at 930pm when I got the “Im divorcing you because you are a terrible wife and these are your faults:____” insert 2 hours of a list of every mistake in 21 years. At the end of this monologue (he looked relieved and I was hunched over in abject misery) he said “can I stay here until the retirement ceremony?” and I said yes so that I could convince him not to go.
A million times, I wondered what would have happened if I had said “No, if I’m that bad, you need to go now”. First Im sure he would have said that I “threw him out for no reason” and he would surely have faked regret and remorse enough to get me to agree to a fake wreckonsillyation.
I tell this to day that I now I was no where near informed enough to take the proper. I didnt know about his big affair let alone all the others that preceded. I imagine what a neutron bomb sort of Dday would have been like to learn everything at once. I pity Chumps who have that happen but I envy them having the info they need to react in a purposeful manner
My D-Day was part of an abusive discard, I suspect because I started asserting myself more and started to dig into the finances because I couldn’t figure out where his enormous income was going. So I can’t really claim Mighty credit. I was initially paralyzed and terrified. Subsequent events didn’t reduce the shock and horror – I learned he had propositioned almost all my friends, groomed an underage girl, brought an AP with us on vacation, and wanted me dead. The one thing I was solid about from the first moment – he was never touching me again. And he never did.
nope. I hung on after my first dday with schmoopie, then after my 2nd dday he dropped her like a bag of rocks and instead of trying to piece our family back together she hit the dating apps both guns blazing, filed for divorce. Divorce goes through, house is sold, family is broken apart. Then when she comes back a year later and asks to reconcile (coincenditally after i finally start dating someone else) i still hadn’t learned my lesson, and i got what i deserved…twice. That was finally my last straw.
What is is about them and seeing us go on a date.
I went out with a nice man about a year after he left, we were still legally separated; but I knew the M was done. Anyway ass wipe pulled up to my house and told me he knew I went out (I wasn’t trying to hide it) and that the guy was too old for me. (he wasn’t) Then a week later had our preacher call and see if I would come talk about “trying again”.
I went, but only to reject him, which I did; but it wasn’t as satisfying as I hoped. He just looked like a disgusting little rat to me by then. Who wouldn’t reject him.
“Trying again”…my forever husband has an XW who left to find greener grass (there wasn’t any), divorced him and squeezed as much $ as possible and after the long and acrimonious divorce was over…as he was heading to a year in Iraq (senior officers all had a bounty on their heads) she suggested that they remarry. He declined. When their daughter got older, the mothers story was “I suggested we reconcile and said no”. Left out the whole abandonment and “I dont love you any more” part.
the worst was way after that, she stopped by unannounced to drop something off for the kids, it was 7 AM on a Saturday morning, she saw i was not yet home, she calls me as im driving home and the first thing i heard was “HOW WAS SHE??!?”
My ex wanted a trial separation, which after eighteen years of marriage I agreed to despite being devastated and confused as to why. (Looking back now, that was when I would have liked to have been truly mighty) But I digress after 6 months I said I’m done with this, you’re either in or you’re out. He came back, we went to therapy. He had a surgery for a minor belly button hernia on a Friday morning and under the influence of anaesthesia he mentioned selling a property and how much he had sold it for. It was suspicious af, and this whole separation was suspicious, so while he was in the bedroom recouperating I spent five minutes doing the best thing I ever did. I snooped on his shit. Found what I needed, went upstairs, threw his chicken pot pie gently down on his chest and said. Here’s your pie, when you’re done get your girlfriend to come get you and nurse your ass. I never want to see you again. And I haven’t.
But guess what? He ate the pie.
As much as I wished I’d done it earlier
and trusted my instincts I gave it one last try and don’t truthfully regret it.
I am always amazed at the quality of the writing here at CL. (All the more impressive because as far as I know none or almost none of you make a living from writing.) In this Comments section alone there are more exquisite sentences/paragraphs/stories –and even some offhanded remarks–than you’ll find on a single page anywhere else on the internet, even if you’re a literary blog junkie.
And (though I know it’s silly to rank things) I have to say that amidst all this poignant beauty, the line that will stay in the Vivid Unforgettable Prose section of my memory, probably forever, is
“But guess what? He ate the pie.”
Recovered Chump, whoever your parents are, you are the secret love child of Molly Ivins and Flannery O’Connor and Carl Hiaasen and Bill Bryson; and P.G. Wodehouse was probably there too
(I was going to add a bunch more authors to this compliment but it’s beginning to sound like an orgy. You get the idea.)
Thanks for that. I hadn’t cracked up laughing for a while and it felt good (aside from the root beer exiting through my nostrils).
Of COURSE he ate the pie. 🤦🏾♀️
You’re still truly mighty.
I get inspired both by reading the stories of those who told their FWs to eat rocks right away and comforted by the stories of those who have tender hearts like mine and who gave their partner benefit after benefit of their doubt until there was no more doubt left.
I think for some of us (me), that one last try is when the scales drop and we see them for who they are and not who we thought they were. It is a horrifying sight, but necessary.
I was essentially abandoned (his word, by the way). I mean, he confessed to the multiyear affair and then told me he thought he’d be “happier with her” and the he still “loved me.”
In shock and anger, I blurted out, “You’re dead to me” and tossed off my wedding ring #dramaticgesture. Then I packed my bags and left to crash at my adult daughter’s house approx 100 miles away. That drive was a blur. Not sure how I got from point A to point B.
Anyway, that was it. Within a week, I’d interviewed 3 lawyers and found one. He was served shortly thereafter.
I also moved back into our house and told him that he needed to get an apartment, which he begrudgingly did.
By the way, in true FW fashion, he got the apartment for him and schmoopie but then told me that his key was an app on his phone and that he would, therefore, need to let schmoopie carry his his phone, which alarmed me because at the time we still needed to communicate about divorce stuff. I had to walk him through how the landlord/owner of the building could set her up with the app, too. Oh for the love of God I was still problem solving for that man (which might have been my own crazy).
Bottom line: I really wasn’t given a choice. He had asked for a separation 3 days before D-Day and suggested marital counseling. Then the lying liar said that ALL THREE therapists had no available appointments, which in hindsight was a blessing. That’s one lie I benefitted from.
Don’t feel bad Spinach…when I finally stopped living in limbo a full two years (!) after D-day (I didn’t pick me dance, I just didn’t move forward; I think they call that “standing”), I made FW move out of our house and get an apartment. And what did I do? I went to his apartment with our young teenage son and spent hours helping him set up his cable. (It wasn’t working for some reason, and I had to call the company and be on hold forever, and this was after I’d already spent over an hour trying to make it work myself.) FW just sat around and stared at me working and then it got late, so FW went to bed while I continued working on it. I can’t believe I did that, but old habits die hard. I did it for my entire 26-year mirage (as Velvet Hammer would say). I also can’t believe I set that example for my son.
CBN, I am right there with you. Worse? I did pick me dance, then stopped the dancing, but did a lot of standing too. Basically waiting for him to agree to leave because I was afraid of how much harder he could make things for me. Three years later and he’s out. But I problem solved every one of his “moveout” struggles. I love reading the stories of these mighty chumps, but as someone else said, ultimately, getting out is what matters. Sooner is better, but out is out.
I helped Cheater get the deposit/ first months rent check he needed to move into his apartment where he likely shagged OW. I later paid off the loan he had taken out for his furniture. That ranks up with Tracy paying OWs bar tab.
Confronted on Wednesday, he left on Thursday. I filed for divorce 5 weeks later. We rented so leaving the house didn’t matter in the D and I moved out within 7 weeks of filing into my own place. At that time I forced him to take what he wanted and everything else was sold at garage sale or donated. He couch surfed for a while until Schmoopie got her D and our D was final, then he moved in with her.
Oh, D-day was Monday, I confronted on Wednesday, etc.
I did not. I did about six weeks in the RIC. After listening to the crap about how I was to be held partially accountable for his cheating, I thought NOPE, NOT HAPPENING. I got a lawyer, filed and FW was served two days before he was scheduled to go on a vacation with Schmoopie. He was frantic. I am sure they did not have a good time and he probably had to take many little blue pills. He lied the entire time in the RIC.
While he was gone, his shit was packed and placed in the garage. Since I filed for adultery (yep, in one of those states), he could have made it quick but he decided to fight. It was a drawn out battle but in the end I got more than what I had asked for thanks to some great investigating on the part of me, my lawyer, an accountant, and a ton of other helpers. The retired judge in the final settlement conference was awesome. He told FW and FW attorney what he would give me and then stated that I could get more if they decided to drag it on. Three days later FW settled.
Just glad to be out of it.
Given I let the cheating bastard ex move back in after a 4 year separation some 25 years ago (after his arrest for soliciting a prostitute), I was the last person in the world who could be called mighty.
But, when I discovered the extent of his secret sexual basement years later, I threw some clothes and my toothbrush in a tote bag and walked out. I filed for divorce a few days later and it was finalized in 31 days. I never stepped foot in the house again and
I’ve not spoken to him since.
I recently celebrated my 2 year freedom anniversary. Life is sweet!
I was one that didn’t get the choice (at least initially).
I did let him come back a couple months later; but honestly I knew in the pit of my gut it was a bad idea. Not just because my Dad kept begging me to not take him back.
But I did let him and it was a disaster and only lasted a few days. At that point I did tell him to leave. I wish I had been strong enough to say NO, when he wanted to come back. (Note his reasons for returning had nothing to do with wanting to come back, it was just a scam to get the use of our car; and pretend on his politicking we were “working it out”.
The one thing I didn’t do and I am glad of it is I never called him to ask him back, or talk to him to any reason except for a couple of D business calls.
I rarely ever spoke to him again, even at the handful of events; I would just do the nod and keep walking bit.
I remember one time I was picking up a salad at a fast food place, he walked in. I nodded and he started talking. I don’t even remember what it was about; but I remember fairly quickly saying something like “well that happens” then I said “gotta run”.
He had initially said he hoped we could be friends, when I told him NO, I meant that.
I was dumped, in September 2019 after 26 years, aged 59. I was blindsided. My Dad had just died, and I’d been dealing, at the same time as he was dying, with a petulant, sulky, 53 year old man child. I was given a long list of my faults and off he went to his expensive, luxury flat. I was a mess. All the usual side effects and I was desperate for him to get past his ‘midlife crisis’ and come back. I saw him about three times during this period. In November 2019, when uploading a job application as I needed to find work immediately, outlook on the home computer defaulted to numerous emails in his inbox that had not been deleted, including those from exgfOW making their long-distance affair crystal clear. He denied it when I sent him a text a week later saying I knew. In a supercilious tone, I was told ‘truth and perception are not the same thing’. In this case, they were! In the week before I contacted him, I instructed lawyers and started to get my ducks in a row on the divorce. The ex refused to engage. Too busy pining after Mrs Long Distance. By March 2020, I had issued and had the delight of telling him to his face at our last ever meeting in person, one week before UK lockdown. If I had known about the affair on day 1 of my dumping, I would have started proceedings immediately as far as the ducks allowed! And that’s why he didn’t tell me! An affair had always been a dealbreaker for me.
I come across men like the ex frequently in the profession in which I work. I am dealing with one such in a current role. There’s no self-awareness or insight there, only a raging ego. It is still very triggering and upsetting. I’ve had a lot of therapy and it continues weekly to this day. I have to keep reminding myself after encounters with such men to be compassionate to myself and to that small girl who just wants to get it right and feel appreciated. It takes time and reflection to get to a place of relative strength. Leaving immediately isn’t necessarily the best response. After my latest horrible run in this morning with the male colleague, every part of that small girl was screaming inside ‘just resign, punish him, hurt him, lash out’. The adult, the parent, said out loud ‘thank you for your feedback. I am going to take it away with me and reflect on what you’ve said, and will let you know the outcome of my reflection in due course’. Sometimes reflection, not action, is the safest way to proceed, in every area of life. The answer may well be to walk away, but to do that when it suits you and your best interests.
Not the first time, sadly. I spent almost 2 years after finding out about his emo affair with his special work friend pick me dancing and pretzeling myself into smaller and smaller shapes to “save our marriage!” The second time I was consumed with cold blind rage. It was terrifying but also liberating, and propelled me forward despite the pain. Within weeks he was out and the divorce was in process.
Traumatized on D-Day when wife of 24 years tells me she has been talking to a man on Facebook for two years, sadly did the pick me dance , she left for two days came back in tears promised she would fight for marriage, caught her still communicating with AP partner next day, told her I’m done, cruelly she stayed in house for three months before she left for AP , the kids suffered to ,
It was game over for me immediately on D-day. We were 30+ years into the marriage. The lead up to D-day is it’s own story. I had a Financial Infidelity or “money” d-day in 2019. That’s when I found out that he was had secret debt and secretly borrowed money from one of my own parents, and they had agreed together to keep it a secret from me, “for my own protection”. I was very angry at that and seriously considered leaving him then. But.. at that time I still had the mindset of “my Christian understanding is that only physical beating and sexual infidelity are the ‘allowed’ reasons to leave your husband”. Now I understand that there are all kinds of abuse that make it a-ok to leave your husband because God is NOT ok with abuse! And now I realize that I was the recipient of financial abuse, covert emotional abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse and sexual coercion. I always wondered, “Why does he do that?” Just like Lundy’s book. Why does he claim to love me but he treats me like crap? Why is he ignoring me now, neglecting me completely, unless it is time to go into the bedroom to be treated like a sex object? Why does he make these strange bedroom requests? Where is he getting these ideas? He did not request this stuff when we were in our 20s, 30s or 40s? Why does he obsess verbally over me, telling me with words how crazy he is about me, while sexually coercing me (abuse!) and abusing me emotionally just under the radar enough that I simply did not identify it as what it was, and could thus not label it and ask myself, “Is this acceptable to me?” I just was miserable and thought I had to try harder to please him in a now completely one sided relationship.
Back to topic: Last summer I knew something was seriously wrong but I could not figure it out. Believe it or not I did not suspect cheating. Why? I’m a chump? Super innocent. I was naive. I trusted him. I projected my own good marriage values onto him. I assumed he kept his vows like I did. Because he says he did. I believed him and assumed he was being honest with me. I was being honest with him! He knew I was faithful, he knew I could be trusted. I was a good wife appliance and worked very hard to do all the things.
One day I saw a popular “hook up” dating site message pop up on his device when he left it to charge. It said, “Find out why you are not getting a match!” I thought I was his match? That woke me up! I kept observing this on his device for a few days, then I sat him down to have a little chat. I wanted to give him the opportunity to be honest, like he SAID he would, back in 2019 when I was seriously thinking of leaving him over this the financial secrets.I wanted to see if he would tell the truth or lie to my face. I was just starting to “get it” , that he is a liar and his whole life is about secrets. He had in 2019 promised that he would not lie to me again (about money). At that time and until my D-day, incredibly, I did not think, “Well, he has financial secrets, does he also have secret sexual basement secrets?” Nope. Didn’t think of it. Chump here!
Back to last summer. I asked him, “Do you have anything you need to tell me?” Anything you need to be honest about to me? Anything you want to declare?” He said no, no… he was sure. So I grabbed his device off his lap saying, “Then you won’t mind if I take this to work today.” And I took off, got in my car, locked it quick and drove off while he gave a speechless little whimper with a surprised look on his face and followed me out to my car and down the street after me. That day with his pass code (I never, ever thought of his phone, devices, computers, ever– trusting me!) I had access to all his text messages that were connected to his device to his phone via the cloud, and found conversations with co-workers (planning dates) and mostly dozens of messages arranging rendesvous with prostitutes –dinner dates, incalls, outcalls, how many roses, Adultlook…..Erotic Monkey… (etc)…..going back years…… to when the data storage ended. Not expecting this, I fell to my knees in absolute shock and deep agony and decided in less than a second that: he is not honest, I cannot trust him, I am not safe, he does not love me, he lies to me as a lifestyle, he is having sex with prostitutes, he is pretending to be someone he is not, he CHOSE to betray me and lie to me and I must leave him immediately. And I did. I separated from him that very day. I filed for divorce as soon as I found an attorney I liked (only weeks later). I have not touched him since. I’m glad I did! No regrets! I’m mighty!
Much more to my story, but this is my “Left him immediately on D-day” story!
“I projected my own good marriage values onto him”
Yes. We see others through our own lens of what is right and wrong.
I am so sorry you went through this!
“That’s when I found out that he was had secret debt and secretly borrowed money from one of my own parents, and they had agreed together to keep it a secret from me, “for my own protection”. ”
Kablooey!! (That’s my head)
I hope you dealt with your scheming, condescending parents as well…?
I threw him out the day I found out. He had come back from a hunting trip and “stopped over at his brother’s house.” Haha. Right.
I texted him to come home and told him, simply, I knew everything and if he thought he was spending another night in this house he was crazy.
He packed a suitcase and before he left I told him he had two days to come get the rest of his things. No small task as we had 23 years of combined household items.
I knew him well enough to know he would comply. He’s a huge conflict avoider. Away he went, ironically to his brother’s house, because this particular OW was married and cheating as well.
I told him not to come back. Then I asked him to come back and he did for a few months. He started being helpful and nice after treating me like shot for 10 years. This enraged me!!!! I would fight with him and call him out on his lies and double life and he would threaten to leave. He got violent. Finally I said: yes! Please leave. Or I call the police. Then I asked him to come back and he wouldn’t. (Thank you!!!)
Cutting ties to someone who has been in Your life for 30 years is like any big project. It takes a few passes to make it happen. I’m not embarrassed because I wanted to be sure that I was doing the right thing. He wasn’t going to change. He was convinced that I’m the problem. That I ruined his life. He became violent and so nasty. Things were the absolute worst. Nothing was going to improve. I would need to accept his view of reality, which was hopeless: He’s a miserable failure BECAUSE I ruined his life, the end. That’s not a marriage. That’s a death sentence. There was no other reality for him.
He’s been gone for more than a year. I got an attorney a few weeks ago. Attorney sent a letter. Attorney just called to say FW has an attorney and has filed. So this is progress. I may be moving at a glacial pace, but at least I’m headed in the right direction.
Am I scared? Yes. It’s a big transition. But I just have to keep inching forward. I feel better without FW. I just have to keep reminding myself it’s better to be divorced and peaceful than married and suicidal from taking his abuse.
Whatever is on the other side of this divorce will be better than being married to someone who wants to destroy me so he can feel better about his shitty life.
If it wasn’t for my son, who was 3 at the time of my first d-day, I like to believe I would’ve kicked Mr. Sparkles ass to the curb… but we’ll never know. I stayed for three more d-days, suffered through two years of a sexless marriage because he wouldn’t get an STD test and wear condoms (even in the face of absolute proof) – just more abuse because I was the only one not having sex during those two years. And then, he discarded me for a woman he met at the gym. So original.
I picked me dance for a year while he lived in an apartment (I had to co-sign the lease on because of his shitty credit rating) and dated his Schmoopie and became a “step Dad” to her two kids, spending more time with them than with his own family (he had his two teen children living with him that he basically gave full reign of the apartment to which meant party central).
I know, so far my story is not mighty – it takes longer for some of us – and that is ok.
After a year, he still hadn’t made a move to file and I had found Chump Lady and Chump Nation. I filed pro se. He ignored the papers. So, I hired an attorney, went on vacation, and had him served. That got his attention. He lost the first motion (mine was to have the pre-nup upheld – I wasn’t rich, but I had a house and a 401K when I met him so it seemed sensible – spideysense anyone – to get one via LegalZoom.com). Still, he dragged it out for almost a year… but as he was becoming more and more of a loser (the OW dumped him because he was cheating on her)… I was becoming stronger and my son and I were building a cheater free life.
In hindsight, I can’t say I would have done anything differently. My son was at an age that I could have a reasonable conversation about Daddy leaving (Daddy got a girlfriend while he was married to me and married people shouldn’t do that). Without him, I wouldn’t have my son and I wouldn’t change that for the world.
So my two cents… try to avoid pick me dancing, and get out sooner, but more importantly, you’ve likely already survived a heapload of abuse… don’t add to it by beating yourself up for your choices. Just keep coming back here and know you have a tribe and you are never alone and when you’re ready to strut your mighty, we’ve got you.
I agree, I think we just do what we can. Once he left I never pick me danced. I knew at the beginning of our last year together something was wrong. I asked about it, he assured me that it was just the pressure of his new promotion that he had gotten a couple month before.
I kept on going, and I just continued working, and doing what I had to. We still went out with friends, I helped with political events etc, but honestly I wouldn’t call that pick me dancing, I wasn’t really doing anything different. I had always treated him well, and he had always been a bit of a controller so nothing really changed until late fall, and I figured it out. Then I kind of went into a metaphoric fetal position and rode it out until he left New Years Day. I definitely wouldn’t consider that pick me dancing. Just shock and confusion.
Wed., 10-14-2015, 8:15 p.m. – discovered the truth and I was gone 12 hours later. He kept the house (which, during the divorce – which took 10 months – had a rat infestation) and I have only seen him twice since then, despite living about two miles away.
I am an INFJ and the door slam seems to be a characteristic. Thank God.
I’m also INFJ and gave my ex the door slam about 1 second after discovering his secret sexual basement. He was and is a masterful liar. Yes he fooled and deceived me; that is on him. True, I did not figure out his true nature (liar, manipulator, pretender, fraud, monster) and discover his secret sexual basement (co-workers, prostitutes) for 34 years but…. as soon as I did, I left his ass. He’s also a gambler: he bet that he’d never get caught. He bet that I’d never leave him. He gambled and lost. I’m free from this abuse now; I win. Door is slammed!
Roaring, I’m an INFJ too and I don’t think my XH expected the door slam he’s got.
Thing is, cheaters think we’ll put up with anything because THEY know what they’re doing esp. if they cheat and deceive us for a long time, I think they start thinking that’s who we are but when we find out who they actually are – they’re out, forever.
It took me a couple of months to tell her to leave (in my defense, she never fessed up to the affair – still hasn’t 6 years on, actually – so I was mostly just confused about why she wanted to nuke a perfectly good marriage), but I wanted to say:
XW refused to leave the house until I agreed to accept a formal, signed statement from her that she was not “abandoning” the house or the kids. I pretended to go along with this and let her have this “victory” because my lawyer assured me that her document had exactly zero legal significance. I’m a big fan of strategically swallowing a certain number of shit sandwiches if they smooth the way towards separation and divorce. A lot of what they want is more about validation and doesn’t affect the settlement at all; ultimately it’s easier to let them have their “moral” victories and move on with life more quickly. If it gets the cheater out of the house without jeopardizing your legal position, just do it!
When I discovered their text exchanges (where they had discussed their fantasies about harming me and other women) and my confronting the fuckwit resulted in him grabbing me by the collar and lifting me off of the ground, I knew that was the last time I ever had anything to do with or say to him. He then went off to take a shower, behaving as though he hadn’t just attacked me, and every fiber of my being encouraged me to leave now. I put my cats into their carriers as quickly and quietly as possible, put them and my dog into my car, took his phone as evidence (too bad that he had to shell out for another one) and left.
I've never contacted or seen him in person again, despite him reaching out to my sibling and friends, who also cut contact with him. I ran the gamut of emotions the next several months and didn't feel mighty but in hindsight I'm proud that I found the strength to get my pets and myself away from him.
You might want to alert the police about those texts. They were discussing doing harm to you and other women
Not the cheater, no. But the guy after the cheater. He had gone to lecturing me about homeownership (I’m not interested in owning a home), and was mansplaining about equity/P and L/financial value. I know all of that and I still do not want a home because I don’t want maintenance and I want to be able to uproot with minimal drama if I can.
About 6 minutes after this lecture ended, I ended up breaking it off. My gut just told me this would continue. So I guess this is the misplaced “end it immediately” instinct I should’ve had when I dumped Cheating Turd.
“About 6 minutes after this lecture ended, I ended up breaking it off. My gut just told me this would continue.”
I did a fist-bump and said “yes!’ when I read that. I do not know you at all, but I am so proud of how you handled yourself.
And you did a very good deed by sharing this with everyone.
Not me but a second hand story. A guy on an infidelity chat board I was on said he caught his wife by coming across multiple videos of her having wild sex with the OM, in his home. Every room. He apparently gathered some things and never went back. Sent the videos to her devout Christian parents and divorced her asap.
I actually told him to GTFO, but he said, “I don’t know if I want to do that” which is all it took for the Pick Me Dance to begin.
My Pick Me Dance was only three months long, probably because I suspected affairs in October, it was confirmed in November, and it can now be safely deduced that Traitor Ex did not want to leave during The Holidays because he is all about lying to himself and others about what a Nice Guy he is and ditching his family just before Thanksgiving would have revealed how phony he is.
When he left the first week of February, I noticed I stayed seated on the front steps of our house and did not follow him as he drove away in his Dodge Ram hookup truck with only the clothes on his back. My body was onto him LONG before my head and and heart synched up.
Affairs are a geographic which involves a person. Wherever the cheater goes, they take themselves and their relationship ineptitude with them. And the inhabitants of their double lives are just as unfit, demonstrating with their behavior that they do not have the skills necessary for a healthy committed relationship.
The garbage took the trash out, and I thank them both. Being cheated on hurts like a mofo for a long long time, but my heart is free, my conscience is clear, and I have peace of mind because I have kept my integrity and my dignity. Those are all things they will never have, priceless beyond measure that can’t be bought.
Our patterns of behavior follow us everywhere we go until we do the difficult work of changing them. Cheaters and side pieces do not look inward and change themselves. They look outward and blame and change people. Different name and face, but we run into the same dynamics until we change our programming that we’re running on. I was taught this in therapy decades ago and I have found it to be true.
Here’s something a therapist wrote about cheating which I appreciate:
“First, accept the fact that your view of your lover and your spouse are both skewed. Things always seem great with the lover, it’s always so romantic and sexy, special, sporadic and, most of all, new and exciting. But guess what? New gets old. I wish I had a nickel for everyone who married their lover and found they replicated what they had with their spouse, with the added poverty of a post-divorce lifestyle. And in the same way, spouses are not as bad as they seem. After all, the person who is cheating is withdrawing energy from their marriage and has alleviated their guilt by bad-mouthing or bad-thinking their spouse.”
Thank you as always, VH. I have typed the therapist quote into notes as a reminder that my workplace colleague is doing just this, changing relevant words to team. Really useful.
If you need some help adjusting your perspective, watch Cheaters on VH1. Episodes are also available on Prime Video.
I challenge anyone to watch a couple of episodes and maintain their belief that a cheater is worth keeping or that side pieces are somehow better than a loyal partner who has integrity.
Tuning in helps me stay on the high road and grateful he left. He’s someone else’s problem now.
Being with a cheater is like choosing to eat out of a garbage can. I’ll pass, thank you.
I thought even in real time when I found out who he was cheating with that he had gone dumpster diving. And he had, but guess what he ended up where he fit in. A dumpster, Then he lit it on fire and kept shooting the flames higher.
I wish I could have been happy to see it, but it affected my son so…
In the very beginning when he got busted, I admit it put a bounce in my step when I read it in the paper; but when I found out how awful he was being to my (our) son it made me sad, and mad at the same time.
I doubt it made much difference to the whore, that was her lifestyle anyway, only difference for her was she had someone to pay the bills finally.
Oh my gosh, Velvet Hammer! “Cheaters”–must watch!
When I was 19 I moved in with my boyfriend. I caught him cheating with our boss when they flew off to Maui together claiming it was a “business trip”. While he was snorkeling on the shores with her I moved out and took everything out of our apartment that was mine, which was everything but his clothes. Everything off the walls, everything in the kitchen. All of it was mine. I literally left him with a mattress on the floor and a desk lamp with a bare bulb (out of the goodness of my heart, both things were mine). After being together for two years I dumped him in a New York minute. Wish I could say the same for my STBXH. It took me almost 30 years to leave that cheating, lying POS. What happened to teen me who had such a strong spine??? I have no idea. But she’s back now. Kicked him out in 2021 and the divorce should be final any minute.
The POS cheater (3 years before I found out) refused to leave the home. I endured 6 months of him in the house. Being verbally abusive, taking pictures of me refusing to eat with him and the children; taking the children 5 and 8 years old to his wealthy whore-now wife and her 4 children whenever he wanted.
In the end I moved out. Could not proceed with custody trial without separate adresses. Found a townhouse to rent in the same school district and while the POS and his new family had my children, set up our new home.
POS is NEVER allowed in. Would have loved to have seen his face when he walked into the matrimonial home and everything I needed was gone!!
“taking pictures of me refusing to eat with him and the children”
WTF. Did he think he could use them to prove you were the problem? Meanwhile he is forcing his kids to deal with his whore and her brood. These people are ridiculous.