Did You Out Your Cheater?
The Friday Challenge question, and topic of an upcoming podcast, is did you out your cheater?
As we say here “If It Feels Good, Don’t Do It.” But does that extend to speaking your truth and publicly outing your cheater? Where’s the line? Spray-painting their name on a bridge span… not okay. Social media blasts? Gray area? (Please don’t do either if you have minor children and custody cases.)
But some of us have thrown caution to the win and outed their cheaters anyway.
- Tagged him and his affair partner’s vacation pictures to all and sundry on Facebook. Hi mom!
- Called an employer and gotten them fired for a work place affair.
- Lost it and confronted the FW at a family gathering.
- A Jumbotron camera caught them and announced it to the world. (Okay that was just one couple…)
So, CN, did you out your cheater? Any regrets?
I’m on the side of cooler heads prevailing, and gaming out all possible repercussions before acting. I’m not in favor of silencing yourself about being cheated on, but that’s different than a public shaming via bridge span.
That said, seeing your name on a bridge span is a lot less painful than being chumped. Anyway, tell me your experience.
TGIF!
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I heard from a colleague of his (I had become friendly with his colleagues over the years through work events) that he was telling people he was “honoring a promise he made to me” when he made the decision to move out abruptly. Basically he was suggesting I asked him to leave, which was completely false – his work colleagues liked me, so I presume this was his way of deflecting, blame and looking like the good guy. Garnering sympathy. I wrote a specific and factual and detailed email to them rebutting that and explaining the sequence of events and then also sent it to family members of his (his stepmother had asked me “what the hell is going on?“ Because everyone was baffled by his behavior). I have never regretted it for a moment. I’m a lawyer, I reviewed every word for complete factual accuracy.
Nobody lies about me and gets away with it. I highly recommend speaking your truth. There’s nothing like the self-esteem that comes from coming out of the shadows. Obviously, if you’re in the middle of some hideous legal situation talk to your attorney. But in general, I think people are way too scared of speaking up. I support calm factual, detailed, truthtelling whenever possible.
Happy Friday!
I did speak THE truth, not MY truth like ex was trying to manipulate, and they refused to believe me! Only then did I realize the extent of how toxic his FOO really was. It hurt because I thought they would support me but now I’m glad I learned they are all messed up and deserve each other.
I’m not sure this is always the case from a legal standpoint, but I have a hard time believing it could be considered slander if it’s true. None of these freaks thinks beyond the tip of their own genitalia, but honestly if you didn’t want people to be upset/disappointed/disgusted by your actions, maybe don’t do it in the first place?! But it’s just all image management, none of the substance.
Chumponit, this is not legal advice, but just to give you a heads up if you have a non-disparagement agreement that could impose additional obligations beyond the common law requirements of slander and libel. If someone has a non-disparagement clause, they are 100% consult an attorney, presumably the attorney who drafted the agreement.
I would never sign an agreement that contained a non-disparagement clause unless the FW made it worth my while with an enormous settlement.
Then I’d do all my disparaging before the signing. 😁
Correction, they should 100% consult an attorney
I have a non-disparagement clause in my divorce settlement. My understanding is that – unlike libel or slander (in the US) – truth is not a defense against an accusation of disparagement. That is, I would be in violation of my divorce decree if I were to spread the truth around our workplace.
It’s a shame that she can avoid consequences in this way, but I hope you got something good out of it (assuming it was a bargaining chip). Because on the other hand, why talk about this person at all. And a non-disparagement clause doesn’t rewrite the truth.
I agree!!
I highly support telling the truth, and not ever being complicit in a lie. I had no minor children when I first began to learn of his decades of betrayals. Over time, as the occasions arose, I told what he did to friends, family, our colleagues, faith community, pretty much any and all who asked where he was or how he was doing. Answered questions calmly and truthfully. Not everyone got details. I refused to cover up anything. Both of us were seniors when I first began to learn of his betrayals. He is nearing 80 now, not my responsibility or problem. He was most embarrassed by his old colleagues finding out. He often used them in lies regarding his whereabouts. I sleep much better these past few years. Everyone knows.
I did not listen to Tracy and am now sitting in a puddle of regret. If it feels good, do not do it. I have subtly outed him on FB but only said that my divorce was done and that CL supported me throughout with her book. Reposted the article from CL about cheating being a form of abuse. A lot of people reached out to me. Also he got outed at work by one of people who were witnessing the DD and then subsequently my abuse through the divorce and court (and a lot of money spent on litigation) – they wrote an anonymous email as they knew all of the details of a certain situation. While it felt good for a minute, I am now regretting that this was done as I look at my kids and think – your dad is suffering and might lose his job / money. The only positive that might come out of it is that he will be so focused on his situation that he will stop brainwashing my children against me – only time will tell now. Do not do it people!
It can be a fine line between protecting – if not them – yourself, the kids…but inevitably these are the consequences of their actions. I did the same thing (Facebook, posting CL topics) even though I’m off of social media now. But that being said, I don’t think anyone who would have done anything about it saw. So yes, tread carefully about what info you share and with whom, but you ultimately cannot protect them from whatever fallout does come their way, nor should you feel guilt for telling the truth.
I absolutely told anyone who asked why wasn’t my spouse with me. I have no regrets whatsoever. She on the other hand has asked me to quit telling people. She claims it makes her uncomfortable and they will think badly of her. And this is my problem how? Actions have consequences and I will not participate in lying to help her feel comfortable. Furthermore, if she causes a big stink during the divorce and fights me in anyway I will release some very explicit and compromising photos and text messages. I was fortunate that the AP’s spouse found the phone that was used to carry out the affair and now I have it. All the horrible details that I will share with the world if it comes to it. No regrets!
I admire you so much. You are so resolute and brave.
After my D day, I was quite disoriented. Like attempting to mentally balance on quick sand. The two years of deception and gaslighting softened my brain. I just needed to let it out. In a factual manner, but to whomever was the poor soul within earshot. The sleep depravation didn’t help. It is a wierd thing that doesn’t make sense unless you have gone through it. It is just a little validating to air your spouse’s dirty laundry, in my case my wife’s. I don’t regret it 1 year from D day.
I don’t think it is healthy to keep all that inside you. Especially with children to care for. My daughter, 10 at the time, heard our
D day blow out and was scared, crying, as my wife left our home, careless to the mess left behind. I had to tell my daughter on the spot what was happening. I made it consumable for a 10 yr old. For me it wasn’t outing for vengence it was for my own sanity. I didn’t out her at work, most of her coworkers probably either knew of her behavior or condone it, they are all divorced themselves. It was just to our daughter’s friends parents. It at least has eased the tension you could feel at sports viewing when we both attend. It still gets to me how she can cheer and pretend to be a real mom, and not be shunned by other parents. But also realize its an ackward situation and the easy route is for them to be cordial.
It is a great topic. When you find out your intuiton and suspicion is correct. The endless ruminating on every conversation you have had during your suspicion, and the whole relationship only gets more consuming. The outing is a little pressure valve to bring you down a little bit.
I agree with not letting things fester. Whitewashing the whole fiasco would involve gaslighting my own children, who heard the screaming fights and saw the police visits.
You know who wasn’t truthful about the infidelity divorce? My ex-MIL and sure enough that kid grew up to be a narcissistic FW himself.
Chumps are left with choosing between different flavors of sh*t sandwiches and choosing the lesser of the evils. It’s a situation none of us asked for.
The fact that Ex-Mrs LFTT changed her Facebook relationship status to “In a relationship with her AP” while we were still married and before she moved out of the house that we shared probably counts as her “self outing” herself.
10+ years later she still denies that they had an affair … she lies as easily as she breathes and I’ve not interest in keeping her secrets for her.
LFTT
Just proof they’re living in delulu-land if they don’t think that won’t come back to bite them should they be interested in spinning tales (and most are) about how and when things played out. If nothing else it’s like, thanks for the legal evidence and/or confirmation that you’re terrible!
ChumpOnIt,
It absolutely came back and bit her on her a*se.
During our Divorce, her Legal Team tried arguing that she was not in a relationship and definitely not spending most of her cohabitating with her AP in his house, some 70 miles from where she claimed to live. I only need two pieces of evidence to shut that sh*t down. Firstly, an analysis of the financial records that she’d handed over in disclosure that showed that almost 70% of her disposable income was spent using Credit/Debit Cards within 10 miles of where he lived, and (secondly) a screenshot of that post on her public FaceBook profile. It also had the added benefit of proving to the Judge that she was a habitual liar.
Let’s just say that say that her Legal Team were not “Happy Campers” when they worked out that their client had been lying to them and the Judge!
LFTT
😄
I haven’t lied to my friends and family who asked why we split, she took offence that my social group all removed her off social media and asked “do you all hate me?” when she saw them on a night out. I guess because she’s worried about her own self image more than anything else. I’m yet to tell her friend (who’s husband she cheated on me with) and probably wont unless she antagonises me or my social group any further.
Please, please tell the friend. If one person had spoken up to me, I might have saved myself before the entire town found out. The discovery that everyone knew except me almost killed me. Tell her out of compassion. I have agoraphobia now. I can’t leave the house for fear of encountering someone who knows me and knows about it.
I have sought legal advice and have been advised to tread very carefully – the only evidence was on my ex’s phone which she deleted on the night of D-Day. She has never actually admitted to the cheating and described the messages as “just a joke”, though what I read was beyond reasonable doubt. Without being able to provide hard evidence I could face defamation claims.
If her friend doesn’t know, you should tell. I wouldn’t necessarily just use it as a move, since this woman needs to get her ducks both in row and STI tested. Just approach with facts/proof and then she can do with it what she will, but she is being chumped too.
The first handful of people I told rather accidentally, as I was asking them for technical help deciphering some of FW photos I found
So essentially they were alongside me, so to speak, in my initial horrible days of discovering his secret double life.
As more came out and I needed help with playing private investigator, FW being a diabolical smart narcissist sociopath, naturally more people knew. FW was outraged that I told anybody. OUTRAGED
I’ve no regrets about telling others, in person or privately, did not do a social media blast.
Several chumps I know IRL kept it hush-hush and one of them is consequently totally mindf**ked for years, no idea about finances no lawyering up just passively minding the children while FW already out at his love nest for years.
Sunlight is the best disinfectant.
It really wasn’t that hard. I just told her gosippy nosey cousin and told her not to say anything. Less than 10 hours later she blew up my phone telling me all her strict Catholic aunts were calling her asking if she lost her mind having a boyfriend while married. It was one of the only bright spots during that time…..all the while denying she was seeing anyone
I wrote a letter to my sister-in-laws a couple years after divorce was final. I explained why the marriage ended, why I was no contact with FW and Switzerland friends and asked to be notified in the event of his death. I’m content to know that history has not been re-written as AP entertains them at my (former) table.
Yes. Friends and family were told. Hell, I told strangers. It was not my shame to bear. Although when I was stuck in the initial fog he convinced me to not tell my mother, because she would judge (ya think?!) and I was not sure where this was all going so I kept my mouth shut and even asked my father, who we did tell, to do the same. When I finally told her, I apologized both to her and to my dad, and I think they both understood I was in an impossible place at the time, as well as recognizing that cheater was a self-serving manipulator. The hardest not tell has been our daughter. The gift that keeps on giving is having to dole out in age appropriate (and wanted) bits of information what a sh*theel her father is. I have to forgive myself constantly for unknowingly bringing her into this situation. He didn’t give me a say. Which is why where I can tell, I do. I’m not going to be silenced or burdened by the shame of his poor choices otherwise.
I stayed silent for years. After all he kept suggesting new counselors. So, he wanted to reconcile, right?! Eventually I decided that my silence was making me complicit in my own abuse. I was wandering through my days in an ever increasing functional depression and emerging health issues. Cheaty McLiarface liked it like that because he was still in control of the narrative. Outing him to friends and family served to show me who had ethics and boundaries and who needed to be left behind with the rest of the mirage that was my life. Painful in the beginning but freeing in the end.
In time, yes. I struggled with the shame that it was somehow my fault until I realized that it wasn’t. He had chosen addiction, porn, abandonment, and all the rest of the wild mess.
And then I learned that you find out who is really on your side in these things. Push the rest to the outskirts and move on to better chapters. You may be the only one with evidence, or not. Doesn’t matter, own the reality and don’t let people say that you are crazy and made this up.
Happy Friday!
I am not on social media (thank God!) but we had a very large newsletter mailing list.
In our circles I knew that it is entirely the female chump/victim who would get immediately labeled bitter and unforgiving if I shared the reason for our divorce to our whole newsletter list. (Thank you patriarchy/misogyny). And it would likely be “Poor cheater ex, that I was such a bad Christian wife to make him “fall” in this way.”
So I wrote: “If you would like to know more about this circumstance, please contact me directly at my new email address.”
A very small percentage did, in fact, reach out and I told the truth to them (adjusting the level of detail as I shared). A few said they didn’t want to know why but just wrote to say they were sorry to see us split.
One former church mate wrote “I just don’t understand divorce.” (Well, bully for you up there on that high horse with your faithful husband of many decades!). I replied “I never thought I would *have* to try to understand divorce, never thought I would be here. What I don’t understand is how there are people who go about this world not truly understanding MARRIAGE.” I never heard from her after that and that’s fine with me.
Yes, it hurt to see the relatively low numbers of those who wrote to me – I lost a lot of my former network. But I also got to see how golden and true most of the people who did reach out really are. No regrets om telling those whom I did.
Well, after 3 years of an affair, my ex outed himself, telling not only me (my D-day) but also others. This made him a BIG MAN. The noble confessor.
Of course, FWs are gonna FW. And so, he whitewashed everything: “We just fell in love.” “I only lied about one thing.” “I made one mistake.” It was like describing the Chernobyl disaster as a minor blip in energy production.
And when he was shocked that people weren’t reacting sympathetically, he slipped into woe-is-me mode: “I’m suffering so much.” “I’m sad every day.” “Spinach got everything.” Fascinating, since I was still not eating, crying constantly, and losing weight that I didn’t need to lose.
I didn’t take out a billboard or use social media, but in conversations with friends (and some strangers), I did get my version of events out there. I’d be damned if he was going to steal my narrative and get away with more lies.
And telling my story, it turned out, was part of how I healed.
I was planning to out him to HR because they have a strict policy about that but I did not based on legal advice. I did tell his family but the reaction wasn’t what I expected and it revealed more about how they are all toxic and dysfunctional than me getting the support that I was hoping for. They brought him back into the family and never reached out to me again. I guess 30 yrs of being married and being a good wife meant nothing to them either. They all bought his story that I was controlling and blah blah blah, he was now free blah blah blah. A real eye opener for sure.
The reactions (or complete lack of reactions/communication) that comes from the truth coming out will certainly weed out people who would encourage or absolve this behavior, or even just not know what else to do with it. His entire side of the family – poof, gone! I only ever heard one funny story from a former girlfriend (not an AP, but someone who came after and was also cheated on/left abhorrently) that she and FW visited his brother and SIL, my former SIL took out a souvenir from our wedding with our faces on it and plopped it down overtly. I don’t think she was pleased with what he did, but I have also not heard from her since it happened.
Right after he told me he found his soulmateCoHOworker, I reached out to his family because I was in shock and I thought they would help me, I don’t know how, maybe talk to him or something? His stepmom is a psychiatrist (!!!) and after 30 yrs I thought they were my family too, but instead they completely ghosted my kids and the grandkids. My therapist said he went back to what was familiar which was a completely dysfunctional family, even the psychiatrist. It’s actually quite sad but the red flags were always there, so not a complete surprise.
I didn’t go out of my way to inform his friends or coworkers, but I was completely open and honest, and continue to be, about why my marriage ended. The amazing thing is that once I say that I was chumped, so many women tell me that they were too.
Was it something they were ashamed of? If so, I figure I’m doing a public service.
No, he was outed by an ethics complaint. He instantly became radio active to the mayor and PD.
I believe, he had a plan of keeping me in place for one more year, until the mayor was reelected.
I’m struggling with this right now. My partner did almost everything right afterwards — gave the full story with remorse, a generous divorce settlement, sought out therapy. He did not, however, come clean to his family and let them blame me.
We have a small cultural community. I worry outing him will affect his support network, job, chance for recovery. He was such a ‘nice guy’ I worry about people believing me.
I heard someone say ‘tell the truth early and often, otherwise people will find out and blame you, since you were initially hiding something’. The people I have told who are close to me responded with empathy and support.
I’m truly torn. It feels like a lose-lose situation I wish he didn’t put me in.
Do you still have much contact with his family? If not, there’s little point in telling them IMO. You have your big settlement, so there’s your justice. Most chumps don’t get that and personally I would consider it an adequate replacement for outing him. If you eventually do tell your story, you can just explain that you didn’t tell before because you were worried about a bad reputation impacting on his job and because you wanted to take the high road and not seek revenge. You’ll probably get respect for that.
In my particular case, FW was entangled with the round heeled, spraddle-legged, homewrecking skank who had already caused multiple divorces in various departments in his work location. He was actually aware of her reputation for banging and clanging(telling the spouses herself). I guess that when a Dick’s dick wants what it wants, a hapless FW must follow where he is led. When she outed herself to me, I made the awful discovery that everyone I knew except my blood relations and my children already knew about the affair. I certainly wasn’t going to tell my family, and I didn’t want to share my embarrassment with strangers. I did tell my gynecologist that I felt “soiled”, which I did, when I had to be treated for an STI. What I did was to tell her spouse, thinking I could at least cause her some consequences. As far as I could discover, the other BS had no reaction at all to the big reveal. I was satisfied that I’d done it, but in the end it gained me nothing. I lost my self esteem, my marriage, and a large part of my social group. It still aches.
I outed him to my people and he outed himself to his to prevent me from doing so, as my version would have shocked and appalled them. I know he omitted the more disgusting details, but that was fine with me as long as they knew he was a cheater.
He didn’t have to be outed at work as everyone there knew, even his boss. Such was FW and schmoopie’s arrogance that they didn’t even try to hide it. I heard his boss gave him some hints that he should stop, but having the emotional intelligence of a dung beetle, he is bad at taking hints. The culture at that workplace was gross- drinking at lunch, drunken parties after hours and some pretty awful people working there, including an ex convict, who was FW’s mentor for being an alcoholic and a cheater. Previously to being friends with that cretin, FW had only been a social drinker and AFAIK, had not cheated. He is the kind of weak loser who needs other men to tell him it’s okay to be the a**hole he truly is before he can give himself permission.
My ex did most of the outing herself. Long after the divorce, I came across a ton of her text messages that she had been telling anyone on her contact list how happy she was with the AP, and included some quite graphic details. I think I was the only one who didn’t know about the affair.
I wish I had those messages during the divorce, but they were a phone backup on an old hard drive from her computer that I forgot that I had and had been sitting in a box in my storage space with a bunch of other old hard drives. I found it when I started cleaning out my storage area and went through all those hard drives to see what was on them. Anyway, having those messages might have helpful during the divorce.
As for telling anyone who didn’t know, I have no problem doing that. If there are people who I tell that already knew, then I more or less drop them as a friend for knowing but not telling me.