My “husband” of almost 20 years was having an affair. I put a GPS on his car, revealing all kinds of deception, including a partial lease with his buddies of a luxury apartment. Gambling thousands of dollars, lying, etc. Now he’s playing super dad to our younger daughter. My 18 year old is not as complicit to his behavior. Now after over a year, the girlfriend is completely on the scene.
My question is: do I unfriend his side of the family on FaceBook? I just saw a post from his aunt with the family reunion, the girlfriend included in a photo. I am not sure if I maintain those FB relationships or just eliminate.
P.S. We’re in the final throes of divorce.
Dear Unfriend Me,
The general consensus is that you lose your ex’s family when you divorce. There are some exceptions, of course. But the ol’ blood is thicker than fuckwittery usually holds true. This is their son, nephew, sibling and they aren’t going to cut him off because he’s a creep to you.
Flip side of that is that they’re stuck with him. And whoever he brings as his plus-one. (Plus two, twelve…. it can be a rotating cast of characters.) They’re going to suck it up and probably gossip about it later.
You don’t control that. Just like you couldn’t control his cheating or his profligate spending (those are yours, OW. No tag backs!) You just control you.
So you get to decide who is worthy to be in your life and who is a waste of space. I know it’s very painful to sever relationships of decades and be excluded where you once were family. But consider the quality of the relationship. Also consider your sanity — do you need a portal into his family’s life?
I vote No. You do not. The fastest way to heal is no contact. Focus on getting through this divorce and rebuilding your life. That means willing yourself to not look back at him or the OW. (Otherwise known as “pain shopping.”)
Sometimes chumps peek at Facebook and such for a hit of Schadenfreude. Oh look, he’s bald and gained 40 lbs. OMG Schmoopie is poured into those capri leggings. Whatever. You’re human, but it’s not helping clear your mental real estate.
More likely, you’re going to find oodles of curated impression management. Filtered Schmoopie in ambient lighting. FW posing in front of a car he doesn’t own. Smiles everyone, smiles…
And you’ll feel like “Why does he get to be deliriously happy and I’m stuck home with my cat and a pile of legal bills?”
Answer: You’re authentic. He isn’t. Flip the channel.
Really. You don’t have to tune into the Fuckwit Hour. And that goes for his family.
Back to your question — should you unfriend them? Would that hurt their feelings? Consider your feelings. It’s not their fault they’re related to a jerk. But if no one has reached out to you or checked in or asked how you’re doing during this cluster — I’d say yes. Go ahead, or at least unfollow. Or get off social media all together.
The Schmoopie Show is only as good as its ratings. Don’t tune in.