Eat, Pray, Gay?

narcissistegokibblesOkay folks, you can all stop sending me Elizabeth Gilbert news items. If Chump Nation would now like to form a circle, hold hands, and shout “I TOLD YOU SO!” at the top of your lungs, you may now do so.

Gilbert, author of “Eat, Pray, Love” and countless soppy Facebook posts that begin “Dear Ones” has a True Love. Okay, an old love. Okay, it’s her best friend. Okay, maybe, kinda, sorta they were affair partners.

“For those of you who are doing the math here, and who are wondering if this situation is why my marriage came to an end this spring, the simple answer is yes,” wrote Gilbert.

But HEY! It’s not cheating because it was with a woman! (Didn’t we answer that letter last week?) Who has liver and pancreatic cancer! So get your mind out of the gutter, people. This is not a tawdry affair. It would be churlish and unkind of you to point out the rotating buffet of Gilbert’s True Loves. No, this is a story of selflessness. Of nursing one’s best friend through cancer. And there are no kibbles like cancer kibbles.

Death — or the prospect of death — has a way of clearing away everything that is not real, and in that space of stark and utter realness, I was faced with this truth: I do not merely love Rayya; I am in love with Rayya. And I have no more time for denying that truth. The thought of someday sitting in a hospital room with her, holding her hand and watching her slide away, without ever having let her (or myself!) know the extent of my true feelings for her…well, that thought was unthinkable.

Put aside the whole “In sickness and in health” vow she made to her husband. Hey, that was a green card situation and not True Love. Okay, well for the purposes of the book, a movie, and a whole EPL enterprise it was True Love. Up until the point he dumped her. True Love abhors a vacuum. We have a new True Love. Keep up with the plot line, people!

Isn’t it possible to have a sick friend, nurse them through cancer, and NOT profess a romantic attachment? My dad had lymphoma last year. A lot of people came by with soup and shoveled snow and helped take him to his chemo appointments. Not one single person fell in love with him. Of course, nauseous, thin, and bald isn’t a good look. (He’s in the all clear now, thanks. His “true love” of 51 years, my mom, stuck with him.)

Anyway, we can all wonder at the impression management of newly gay, cancer care-taking authors. It’s always terrifically sad when someone you love is terminally ill.

Today, however, I need a Friday challenge — so the challenge I put before you is to imagine that your cheater is a best-selling author with a social media following. They are about to announce a Dramatic Life Change to their adoring public. What’s the plot twist and how does it go? Here’s mine:

Beloved Moppets,

You all know and love me as Dirk, a hairy, misogynist deer hunter from Pittsburgh. But I must tell you, I have a new passion in my life and a NEW MAN — Nigel. He’s dewy and fresh and smells like scented dryer sheets. We’re opening a tea cup emporium. I know you’re all rapturously happy for us.

Air kisses!

Dirk

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me
me
7 years ago

My therapist thinks (a man) that Elizabeth Gilbert is a textbook narcissist with enough neurosis to make herself look like “lost soul” she portrays herself to be. I know for a fact (dear friends in NJ are old neighbors with her first husband) and she paid off that first chap in order not to publish his tell all (remember? It was almost to be published before he accepted 4 million hush money..?) and he since remarried, has a family and keeps telling his friends he dodged a major bullet with that psycho.

PucksMuse
PucksMuse
7 years ago
Reply to  me

I am bizarrely familiar with this type and have had to cut her out of my life like a disease. She’s just so “free” and “brave” and “won’t be limited by your provincial morals and taboos!” She presents her life like a book trailer for Eat, Pray, Love or Wild or some other book where a self-centered woman uses other people as stepping stones (providing “provincial” things like food, housing, and cash) on her way to “personal growth.” And then, when people realize they don’t enjoy being used and it all blows up in her face, she expects to be rescued by my stability, which stems from my grasp of provincial morals and taboos. I haven’t spoken to her in five years and I look back at the shit I put up with and cringe. I could not stomach anything beyond the first chapter of EPL because of my experiences with her. And I damn near got kicked out of my book club because of it.

// , Anonymous Coward
// , Anonymous Coward
7 years ago
Reply to  PucksMuse

// , Like an increasingly large and influential portion of people do, they consume what they cannot create.

Onward
Onward
7 years ago
Reply to  me

Makes total and complete sense, like when you are dealing with a narcissist and the whole world seems to be charmed but you are going “hey wait a minute, this doesn’t feel right to me”…..and now she is saddled up with Glennon Doyle Melton who announced her “conscious uncoupling” with a pony tail and coffee, a slight nod of the head as if to say “it’s all good”….only on the inside you know this is NOT how you feel when your entire world is falling apart and you have little people to watch after. UGH. I generally think this new era of self help drama queen is the worst, as if they glamorize and thrive on the daily drama they seem to create….HEY THEIR ARE SOME OF US SWIMMING IN SHIT AND WE ARENT ALL SMILES..AND COFFEE…AND DEAR ONES. Good GOD I needed to vent.

MehMehMeh
MehMehMeh
7 years ago
Reply to  Onward

Oh my Gawd! I saw that too–that Gilbert ponied up with Glennon Doyle Melton. Melton just “confessed” she was cheated on, too. Gilbert reviewed Melton’s latest book.

I was unsure of how to take that whole situation. I don’t read “mommy blogs” (sorry, I’m a grandmother now and I just don’t relate). But I saw all the buzz about Melton and thought “geesh… drama queen.” Melton states she was a drug addict in the past and some of what she wrote is pretty melodramatic and nauseating to me. I divorced an addict. They do love their drama. If they can’t create it by using, they sure do use it with their relationships. It sounds like Melton’s husband was a serial cheat. Just leave the guy and move on! But no……… the drama queen cough cough “spiritual advisor” or “self-help” advocate has to make it all “brutiful.” No. It’s ugly, it’s messy, and it’s very real when you are betrayed and you are cheated and you are indeed chumped. There are legal, practical, and very real psychological and emotional things you must do. But Melton is encouraging everyone to take her “easy way out?” Nope. Nope. Nope.

RVA
RVA
4 years ago
Reply to  MehMehMeh

I put this in the wrong place because I got confused over the different links – oops.
okay, sorry I can’t keep up with these people. I read Love Warriors and after I finished found out she left then divorced the guy before the book was published but didn’t want to say anything until the book sale began so the book would be about marriage and sell. Here is the quote from her website: “And the advice from many is: Wait, G. Just wait till after the book has launched to reveal this. This is a MARRIAGE book – you can’t break up before it even comes out! Glennon – it will affect sales. It will affect your career, your success.” That is f*cking dishonest!!! What a creaton! How many people believed her crap? So when I see Glennon Doyle’s name I think fuckwit…

N2B
N2B
7 years ago
Reply to  MehMehMeh

Timely comment. I just finished the Melton book 10 minutes ago. I have mixed feelings about it. I know they are friends but as a reader/observer, I find Gilbert to be a narcissist but I can’t help liking Melton. She is sort of a mess but she tries to bring good to the world.

Trust that he sucks
Trust that he sucks
7 years ago
Reply to  N2B

Also hate that Glennon is now associated with Gilbert. I finished Glennons new book. Glennon is a messed up chump who actually gives a real nod to how hurtful cheating is and how split off she was. She wants to spackle and ultimately got to a point where she knows she can’t. But fame is bringing her another messed up narc in the form of this “friend” so she still has to work on her picker

SteelyChump
SteelyChump
7 years ago

I’m struggling with the Glennon thing. I used to love her but used some of her earlier essays about her husband’s cheating to justify my 2-month unicorn hunt post d-day. I feel horrible for feeling vindicated that she ultimately left her marriage.

horsesrcumin
horsesrcumin
7 years ago
Reply to  SteelyChump

As a non-US chump, Melton’s rah-rah-rah has me suspicious as hell. But there are some parts I take. Like be fucking scared. It isn’t all fucking rosy. I think her shit sandwich is that she spackles with Jesus. I, too freaked when I saw the Gilbert alliance. Anyone who courts so much media attention freaks me out.

And BTW, $4m? Surely a book telling the anti EPL story would make more?

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
7 years ago

Dear friends from college I knew 40 years ago and see maybe once a year but still consider my only friends:

X here. You may soon see a photo with me in it taken at a hardcore gay biker bar in Provincetown. I got lost on my way fishing and stumbled in there for a beer. Imagine my surprise when the Cape Cod Times snapped my photo! I didn’t even notice all the dick picks on the wall. And that guy next to me? Poor bastard was lost too, and there asking for directions to the saltwater candy store to buy taffy for his mother.

Anywhooooo, just want to remind you that I left my wife who is raising my THREE children for the love of my life. Who is a woman. I swear!

As ever,

X

Methodicallypissed
Methodicallypissed
7 years ago

Chutes and Ladder…. Rolling on the floor laughing my ass off!

Thankfully I have no children with my ex, but I keep a very informative video of a text I found, of a man I thought would never cheat on me much less with a multitude of men. He’s a complete (church going) whore!

When I had concrete evidence after years of trying to get him to admit to what my intuition kept telling me, his reply was “I’m not gay, I’m bi.” AND my reply was “Oh honey thats denial talking, your GAY! How many women have you met on A4A?!” He’d have a complete come apart if his DEVOUT Catholic sister knew who he was, so in his delusional handicapped mind its better if he’s bi?! They think I’m the one with the problem and he ain’t telling the truth.

powerfulchumpette
powerfulchumpette
7 years ago

snort…lol

TheMuse
TheMuse
7 years ago

omg chutes. Incredible!!!

Notachumpmaybe
Notachumpmaybe
7 years ago

Awesome!!!!!!

Geode
Geode
7 years ago
Reply to  Notachumpmaybe

Dear children, extended family, friends, neighbors and colleagues who are still speaking to me,

You are all invited to let me impress you at… my next wedding!!!

It’ll be a wedding like none of my others as I wed Tiffany AND Candy, ladies who’ve always treated me right. One look at their Backpage listing and you’ll know why I’m trying them instead of another educated, attractive and age-appropriate woman.

I know you just googled and i’s true! Candy’s boobs are 100% real and Tiffany’s azz is that tight! And their photos don’t do justice to their ink and piercings.

So come party with me. Again. An embarrassing display of crab claws, Veuve Clicquot, brats and beer will be served. RSVP by Sept 17.

Always,
Dr. C

Pondscumbgone
Pondscumbgone
7 years ago
Reply to  Geode

Oh my goodness I love this Geode! I just found out my ex is marrying his affair partner, our divorce was final in May, it’s been less than a year since this whole thing went down… But instead of being upset, I am oddly amused! It cracks me up that my ex really thinks he can shake a whore tree and Snow White will drop to the ground! And she thinks she shook out Prince Charming! Ha!! Only narcissistic, whack jobs drop out of whore trees. On their backs, ready to go. Have fun with that!!!!

Pat Harris
Pat Harris
7 years ago
Reply to  Pondscumbgone

Oh you just gave me the most joyous laughter. Shaking the whore tree? You’re the best. Glad you’ve found the ironic humor in his stupidity. Poor guy. He’ll figure it out (if he’s lucky) way too late, 3 chicks from now or, worse case, never. Word up to you!

Cleo Everest
Cleo Everest
7 years ago
Reply to  Pondscumbgone

I DID have fun with this! Gut laughter!

“It cracks me up that my ex really thinks he can shake a whore tree and Snow White will drop to the ground! And she thinks she shook out Prince Charming! Ha!! Only narcissistic, whack jobs drop out of whore trees. On their backs, ready to go. Have fun with that!!!!”

Lulu
Lulu
7 years ago

Lol!

Lulu
Lulu
7 years ago

My Adoring Public,

After a failed marriage and disappointing a string of women for years after, I’ve finally recognized that there is one woman who has never left my side, always encouraged me to seek my happiness and never judged me. After much thought and prayer, I’ve know now that the woman Jesus always wanted me to be with is…

My sister!

Now I know there’s a ton of social and Biblical prohibitions on incest (just as they are with adultery) but as always, I am the exception!

Why else would we have come from the same womb if we weren’t meant to be together? Our marriages didn’t fail because we’re both selfish, narcissistic assholes, no… It’s because we went again God’s purpose by denying our True Love.

I just hope my brother isn’t jealous.

TheMuse
TheMuse
7 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

Several times over the years, my Now-Ex told me that his sister “told him what a cute ass he had.”
Just. Eew.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

Well, maybe the two of them should date then if she’s checking out his ass and he’s flattered by it. Eyeroll.

Medora
Medora
7 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

Hilarious! The best laugh I’ve ever had on this site.

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

Brilliant gallows humor, Lulu!

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

And there goes the coffee, out my nose and all over my keyboard. Gonna have to explain this to the IT guy.

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

Thank you for the LOL at work!

Done4Good
Done4Good
7 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

Well now I feel bad for the brother.

Methodicallypissed
Methodicallypissed
7 years ago
Reply to  Done4Good

Im crying over here laughing so hard!

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  Done4Good

OMG that is epically hilarious… excuse me while I try to breathe in a rare fit of avalanche giggles.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Done4Good

LMAO!

Beth
Beth
7 years ago
Reply to  Done4Good

I was laughing before but I went into hysterics with this comment!

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Beth

It is comedy gold.

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
7 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

Wait…is this true??

Lulu
Lulu
7 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

Well, I don’t think it’s true but who the hell knows. All three siblings had a ridiculously co-dependent relationships with one another, zero boundaries, and treated their spouses like wallpaper at family gatherings. For example, she got pissed whenever we went on vacation without inviting her!

Shortly after her husband discovered she was cheating on him with various men and un-chumped himself, she amped up her efforts to sabotage my marriage by contacting my husband’s ex-girlfriend over Facebook and gave her his contact information. And that’s how that ex-girlfriend became OW #2!

Last I heard, she turned against OW #2 after she served her purpose. But now that I’m happily remarried and feeling “meh”, I’m actually grateful to the crazy bitch for accelerating my departure from limbo.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
7 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

My ex’s siblings are like that as well. I had to actually put my foot down and say no when early in our marriage, ex and one of his sisters wanted to have a weekly “date night” without me.

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

X’s sibling relationships were similar. At family gatherings spouses were non-existent.
As a spouse I had the privilege of listening to them feel sorry for themselves, they are taken advantage of at work, their aches and pains and how nice they are compared to everyone else.
X’s sisters would call X into the bedroom to have private conversations with him, leaving me in the family room by myself or with their parents.
I put my foot down when we we’re staying with the in -laws in their small trailer home. X, our son and me were staying in a tiny guest bedroom with a trundle bed and a twin bunk bed which filled the entire room. X’s divorced, narcissistic Uncle planned to stay in the same room. At the moment I heard that I insisted that we leave and get a hotel room. X’s family wasn’t happy but I was ecstatic, first thing I did when we got to the hotel was order room service to celebrate being away from his family and able to eat normal food.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

I somehow seem to recall a similar situation… hmmmm how similar are the disordered

Chipmaker
Chipmaker
7 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

Part Shakespeare, part Cersei & Jaime (with a side mention of Tyrion), and part modern twist, thoroughly blended into a distasteful morass. Drink up, readers!

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Chipmaker

And when I learned a man of Peter Dinklage’s size could be mad sexy.
Damn you Shay!!!

Lulu
Lulu
7 years ago
Reply to  Chipmaker

Exactly!!

Lulu
Lulu
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I’m sorry I can’t take all the credit… I ripped that line off from Game of Thrones. Kudos to Chipmaker for catching the reference!

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
7 years ago

Dear Potential Therapy Clients,

I am all about AUTHENTICITY. Come to my private counseling practice, and I will help you with your COURAGE TO CHANGE. I specialize in marriage and various individual counseling.

-A Terribly INauthentic Cheater Counselor*

(Based on true story…a name has been changed to protect a truly guilty party. Yes, my cheater launched her private counseling practice promoting it sort of like I put above as while still lying about her adulterous affair to me.)

Lulu
Lulu
7 years ago

The best stuff you just can’t make up.

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
7 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

Yes…it’s a cliche but true…”real life is stranger than fiction”

dublindrive
dublindrive
7 years ago

Huh. She must know my ex husband the marriage counselor who used his private practice to date and screw his clients.

Better Alone
Better Alone
7 years ago

Dear obviously adoring fans,
I have some news. Some amazingly great news… After lying and deceiving my wife of 25 years and my children, after taking care of my family of origin before the one I created, after cheating on my wife with a 22 year old foreign student, after hiding, diverting and controlling money in our mariage, I have finally decided to be with my one true love, my (literal) reason for being alive. My mother.
Now before you do the logical next thing (throw up in your mouth), let me explain. You see, it was meant to be. I am in awe that I didn’t see it before. I mean, I built this woman a house and paid for it before my children had one! I paid for this woman’s plane tickets so she could come stay with us for three to six months at a time and help my wife run our family (she really needed all the help she could get). I am still providing for her daily needs. I used funds that were for my wife and children in order to keep my mother to a lifestyle she had never been accustomed to, I forced my wife and children to spend every other weekend at her house for 4 years, I severed my relationship with my father. And on, and on, and on…
So what if my own mother insists on telling every one who will listen that I am not her favorite (that honor goes to my older brother who moved away as soon as he could and stayed away)? I know with this new direction in my life, I will prove to her that I am worthy of her love and then everything will be right with the world. Wife and kids be damned! I am on my way to settle my mommy issues!!!
Thanks for listening and your obvious support and mostly thank you for helping me keep up this appearance of the greatest guy that ever walked on the face of the earth.

JBaby
JBaby
7 years ago
Reply to  Better Alone

Omg, my ex prioritized his able-bodied parents’ whims over our children’s’ immediate needs throughout our marriage. So backwards. Mom didn’t ever say that he wasn’t her favorite, but he sure did fixate on her as if he needed to win her. In the end, he described final OW in comparison to his mom. So creepy. Said she looked like her but has a bigger nose, and (shudder) also likes to pop the pimples on his back (NOT MAKING THIS UP).

Hopiumrecovery
Hopiumrecovery
7 years ago
Reply to  Better Alone

I thought Durtbag was a great guy for taking care of his mom and having her live with him, then us. Turns out he uses her for the meager amount of money she has left and her credit. After I kicked him and his mom to the curb, he had to get his mom to buy him a car because he can’t get financing. Next she will probably be buying them a house. Of course, he won’t be able to make the payments on the car or house and she will be bankrupt and homeless at 79 years of age. He can do no wrong, however.

Waffles
Waffles
7 years ago
Reply to  Better Alone
Roberta
Roberta
7 years ago
Reply to  Waffles

Yes Waffles, I did see it and I guess I’m jaded as all get out because I just managed an “ugh” and moved on. I also considered an article in my area stating that parents should keep a close eye on their children because statistically speaking there is one pervert availiable numerically to cover every square mile of the United States!!!! Doesn’t help the poor kid whose Mom or Dad IS the pervert now, does it?? Lord help us all!!

geekmom
geekmom
7 years ago
Reply to  Better Alone

With credit to the great Tom Lehrer. . . “There once lived a man named Oedipus Rex, you may have heard about his odd complex! His name appears in Freud’s index, ’cause he looooooovvvvveeeeddd his mother. . .”

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mScdJURKGWM

UnknownComic
UnknownComic
7 years ago
Reply to  Better Alone

Wow, so wrong, but I still laughed my head off. EWW.

Anita
Anita
7 years ago
Reply to  Better Alone

Amen Better Alone! I thought guys who treat their mother well are supposed to be a good catch, cause they will treat you well too. Wrong!!! At least in my case.

I could ask for minor things around my house, and they never got done. Change a light bulb I couldn’t reach, hang a curtain rod, things that take about 10 minutes. Yet, he would be at his mommy’s house doing huge tasks. Cutting bushes, tiling floors, sealing her deck.

I don’t think he does it for her, I think he does it for the admiration. The Knight in Shining Armor.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Anita

Yeah, I thought men that treated their mothers well were a great catch, too! Wrong in my case, too. Before we married, I saw him be the helpful, “perfect & special” son (to this day, his mommy tells her 47 year old son that he is “perfect and special – gag!). I thought he’d be this way when we got married. WRONG! He was an entitled lazy, ass husband who just watch me do almost everything. Right after the honeymoon, started right off with sitting on his butt, watching TV while I carried bag after bag of groceries up the apartment steps. Didn’t stop to ask if I needed help. Eventually I asked him if he could please help me. This started the process of me being a Super Chump. He was always helpful if I asked, but I had to ask. And of course his mommy and auntie got flowers for Easter, but did I ever get any flowers for anything? NO! I’m sure if I would have asked for flowers, I would have gotten them. But I wasn’t about to ask for something that he knew his mommy and auntie would like, but of course Super Chump doesn’t deserve flowers. I could go on and on just like all the other chumps.

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

No flowers for anything? But he buys mom and aunt flowers for Easter? I wouldn’t have asked either. What a swine. Ugh. That would have really hurt my feelings. I have an urge to shove a bouquet of nettles down one of his orifices and up another.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Anita

There’s a difference between being a momma’s boy and a man who treats his mother well. In the case of a momma’s boy, the mother in law will win each time over the wife and the kids, because the husband is a manchild, unable to stand up to his own mother. And the manchild is so weak, that often times, he’ll passively stand by the sidelines, so that his wife and his own mother can go at it and be at each other’s throats. The mother in law always wins when you marry a momma’s boy. He is the guilty party, not being able to put boundaries and stand up to his mother.

But a real man who treats his mother well, will ensure his mother is well taken care of, but not at the expense of his wife and kids. His wife and kids rather will come first, and their needs taken care of, and not neglected. A real man will stand up to his mother, telling her clearly that his wife and kids need his time first, and he needs to be there for them as that is his family.

The first is a boy and the second is a real man. I hate momma’s boys.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

I hate them as well. It is just sick triangulation.
You cant win with a momma’s boy.

Maree
Maree
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Perfectly said Kellia. I was married to a man child and a real mama’s boy. Any wonder he lives with a mere almost child now. Back to the future for him !!

WhereisMia
WhereisMia
7 years ago
Reply to  Maree

I was married to Norman Bates

Calmafterstorm
Calmafterstorm
7 years ago

To my fans:

I am sorry that life changes can be hard for some people – like my wife and children – but it’s for the best. My best. I was so very unhappy for a long, long time. It was only through my counseling of a special work friend who was going through a bitter divorce (her husband cheated on her, can you imagine the pain she was in?) that I realized I needed to be happy. That I deserve to be happy. Thankfully my special work friend was there to bolster me with encouragement (Just. Do. It.) and support (my heart is breaking into a thousand pieces) to be honest with my wife (hickey on my chest) when I told her that I was no longer in love with her. We just drifted apart (into a much younger womans vagina). Nobodys fault (not MINE!), and my ex wife will always be my best friend. A best friend that I lie to and cheat on and withhold funds to.

In conclusion dear adoring fans…..this is not about cheating. This is about finding happiness at the expense of others. I mean change!! This is about change that will eventually turn out to be the best for everyone. And by that I mean me,

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  Calmafterstorm

Must be a favorite chapter in their handbook. “I’ve finally found happiness with something different”
and I deserve it. I’ve moved on why don’t you?

Tossed
Tossed
7 years ago
Reply to  Calmafterstorm

Good grief, that is almost word for word what my ex husband told me!

TheMuse
TheMuse
7 years ago
Reply to  Calmafterstorm

+1

Slowtoheal
Slowtoheal
7 years ago
Reply to  Calmafterstorm

Almost word for word!

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Calmafterstorm

Very good, Calmafterthestorm!

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  Calmafterstorm

My favorite line: “We just drifted apart (into a much younger womans vagina).”

NotThisGirl
NotThisGirl
7 years ago
Reply to  Calmafterstorm

When the truth sounds like a satire but it’s not – you know these people are true pieces of shit!!

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
7 years ago
Reply to  Calmafterstorm

That. Was. Awesome.
Thanks for writing mine for me.

Sausalito
Sausalito
7 years ago
Reply to  Calmafterstorm

Ah yes, my cheater could have written this!

onmyjourney
onmyjourney
7 years ago
Reply to  Calmafterstorm

This is good!

A Survivor
A Survivor
7 years ago

This lady reminds me of Jackie-o from The House of Yes.

UXworld
UXworld
7 years ago

Fellow Kickass Single Moms of the Apocalypse —

You’ve all been with me through my difficult but necessary break from my husband of 15 years and the many affair partners I’ve had in order to find myself again. I drew from your collective strength when I was confronted by my husband as I waited for the Carrot Singer to come to my marital bed, and then was forced to admit to him that my husband was NOT in fact physically abusing me. I was humbled by your support when my husband and his attorney so callously and unnecessarily exposed the intimate details of my life in court. And each of you is with me in spirit every time I don the strap-on dildo and “peg” the Creepy Writer. Each thrust into his ass is a victory for women like us everywhere.

Well, now it’s time for me to give back to you and to the world.

That’s why I’ve decided to act as a surrogate carrier for some lucky couple out there. I so loved being pregnant with my own daughters — the compliments, the comments,the ATTENTION — and it’s been far too long since a new life creation has burst forth from my magic loins.

I have registered with a matching service and they have notified me that there are dozens of couples salivating at the possibility of their offspring being gestated in the womb of such an awesome example of womanhood. The couple I pick will be lucky indeed. Creepy Writer has assured me that I have his support, and not only because the thought of a PREGNANT woman fucking him in the ass really turns him on.

And if I decide after a single unsuccessful implantation that I don’t want to endure the shots, hormone therapy and general inconvenience after all, well at least the lucky couple — devestated as they undoubtedly will be — will always have the satisfaction of knowing that I deemed them worthy of my consideration.

But let’s not dwell on possible unpleasantness — the important thing is that I’ve decided to do this and that I feel great about myself for it. Please understand that this is a very private matter that I will make public as it suits me, or whenever I need your collective kibbles to get me through it.

Stay tuned for more — and remember: I love each and every one of you that gives me a ‘you GO, girl!!’

Kunty Kibbler

(Note from UXworld: I’m sorry to say this is bit of parody is based on actual experience)

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Wow. The entitlement of pregnancy kibbles. I had a friend like this. “Pay attention to me! I’m pregnant and special. This is MY TIME.” And of course when she had a miscarriage for her second pregnancy — theatrical kibbles for that, too. Mind you, her “miscarriage” was her missing her period for a couple of days and then she got her period and then saved the contents of her period and took it to the emergency room (who does this???) and got tested for being pregnant and she was for a few weeks. Then she wondered if they could test if it was a boy or girl (on a few cells.) And then the theatrics started. Mind you. I had a miscarriage of a baby that was months old and as hard as it was, I didn’t seek attention sympathy kibbles like she did. This narcs are unbelievable at times.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Gosh UXW, believe it or not, same exact actual experience for me! My ex-wife was wanting to be a surrogate carrier right after I filed for divorce. She wanted to be a surrogate for her brothers child. I was floored!

My prime concern at that time was my 3 small kids on how this divorce would change their lives forever – not more attention Kibbles N’ Nuts for Ms. Peanut Butter legs.

Her exact words to me when I asked her what was going on in her mind…..“The kids will be fine.” Then she said….“you can either be part of the joy or not be part of it all.” %!$??@%?x?!#&%!?!?!?

Mandie101
Mandie101
7 years ago

Mine said the same…the kids are not fine.

UXworld
UXworld
7 years ago

Not exactly the same experience as you — KK tried being a surrogate about 10 years ago (hence ‘based on actual experience’). But I will tell you that she didn’t have the courage to contact the couple she was trying to carry for after she decided ‘no mas’ — she let the agency handle that — and didn’t bat an eye when I took it upon myself, chump as I am, to email them with my personal condolences and regrets.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

But she like to wear a strap on and go to town?
I need to buy you a drink.
You captured their entitled insanity perfectly.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Wow, you can’t make this stuff up. As Shrink4Men so perfectly puts it, these women actually think they have won the Golden Uterus Award. They are so, so special. Unlike any mothers who have ever given birth before. If you male chumps haven’t checked out her blog, you should.

UXworld
UXworld
7 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

Can you point us to it please?

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Can’t embed the link. It’s http://www.shrink4men.com.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

OMG … I already respected you highly, now I am absolutely floored by your restraint.

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

+1. She is a monster. *shudder*

Done4Good
Done4Good
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

That’s horrifying.

blessingindisguise
blessingindisguise
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Ewwww.

Anita
Anita
7 years ago

I can’t think of anything witty right now, but I will say that I have had close female friends all my life, and I have yet to hit on one or fall in love with one of them. No matter what the circumstances. Sick, well, skinny, fat, young, old, sloppy drunk, crying, laughing. I don’t think you just suddenly decide, in your forties , fifties, whatever this chick is, that hey I like girls.

There is a level of admiration I feel for lots of women. I guess that’s the Girl Crushes you hear about. But it’s not anything that feels romantic, or physical, or anything but admiration. Has anyone else had that experience?

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Anita

I hate to be crude but it is Friday. Yes….you admire their thoughts, sense of style, bravery, wisdom and find them attractive….but you dont want to eat p*ssy.
Sorry…it had to be done.?

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

If it wasn’t for the sex part, I would sooooo be a lesbian.

Anita
Anita
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Sylvia us Sad, lol. Yes, thank you for saying it. I just don’t think I could ever get physical with another woman. Not that there’s anything wrong with it. Obscure Jerry Seinfeld reference there. Just not my thing.

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
7 years ago
Reply to  Anita

I dare say Gilbert’s run out of options….

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  Hesatthecurb

Oh no she didn’t, she just posted this…..

Dear Ones,

As you know, I am now a lesbian and deeply in love with my best friend who is also the other woman who is also dying of cancer who is also an Aries. I am also an Aries, so it was meant to be. As part of my effort to cheer her up in her hospital bed I wanted to get her a new puppy. I traveled far and wide, the Yukon, Yucatan, Yosemite, to find this puppy. You may read about it in my new novelette, “Fleas, Tics, Salad.”

Alas, I came back empty handed. Then someone told me that they have dogs right here. Who knew? I went to that place that people donate unwanted dogs, and found Buster. Well Dear Ones, he was scheduled for euthanasia on tomorrow eve. I saved him. I looked in those big brown eyes and it was love at first sight. I know now what has been missing in my life. There’s a word for what I’m doing, but it’s rather crass, so we shall just leave it at I love Buster. And Buster loves peanut butter. So please respect my privacy at this very very important time in my….oh look, a squirrel.

Pat Harris
Pat Harris
7 years ago

You are hilarious. This site is the best. I haven’t been cheated on, but am related to narcissists and find this quite amusing and empowering that people can admit to spotting a POS a mile away without people judging them for calling a ho a NPD. LOL.

brit
brit
7 years ago

Great story Annie, woke up both dogs laughing,
which made me laugh even more.

Christina
Christina
7 years ago

LOL

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago

Hilarious! Laughed till I cried.

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago

Dear Ones,

Dogs bite! I don’t know who said, “Dogs will eat anything,” but they lied. I think I now have a rabid vagina. And Buster ran away. I will write more after I visit the emergency room, so stay tuned. Fucking dog ate my twat.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago

2 hrs later for me…..still laughing Annie! Damn Buster!

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago

How did I miss this exchange? PRICELESS.

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago

🙂 Me too. She fits into my FB comments below of everyone I’ve ever blocked because they were just too full of themselves and their faux accomplishments. She’d make a good South Park episode.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago

Im still laughing Anne! My poor dog has tacos all over her because you. Hahaha

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago

She’s probably thinking you’ve lost your mind, but she’s enjoying the treat.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago

She sure is. Oreo licked most of the tacos off of her

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago

Anne i just spit my diiner on my dog!!!! Holy shit you are brilliant and hilarious!! Love the name Buster. Hahahahahahahaha!!!

Roaring
Roaring
7 years ago

Annie, you’re killing me

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Hesatthecurb

I dare say you are probably correct Hesatthecurb – whats next for Gilbert after women? Farm animals? (no intended disrespect to animals)

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  Hesatthecurb

One would think. But she will magically transform herself for whatever scenario promises her the most kibbles and cash.

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

Gilbert is in love with a dying women. Hmm.., who will be the beneficiary of her life insurance? These people don’t do things for anyone unless there’s something in it for them.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

Ding Ding Ding! That’s the winning post!

Allie
Allie
7 years ago
Reply to  Anita

Well that’s why EG hit a two-fer by falling “in love” with a woman dying of cancer and hopped up on a cocktail of libido-kiling drugs. All the cache of a trendy lesbian relationship with none of the requirements of engaging in, you know, gay sex. Despite her well-documented string of levers, we’ve yet to see her go for a chick, til she picked one that probably isn’t wild to get in the sack.

TheMuse
TheMuse
7 years ago
Reply to  Allie

…and not going to live that long. At which point EG can capitalize on her own bereavement.

Creativerational
Creativerational
7 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

I haven’t seen you in ages! Hope you’re well. I may do not be reading comments enough.

TheMuse
TheMuse
7 years ago

aw thanks C.R. I’m still here, don’t comment as much on the main posts but more in the forums. Doing great, mostly Meh at +3 years. [[hugs]] hope you are well too.

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
7 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

Right, which is really sad because it feels like she’s just using this poor dying woman for her latest book/movie/kibbles….Typical malignant narc!!!!

Done4Good
Done4Good
7 years ago
Reply to  Anita

I’ve entertained the thought that being with a woman might make some sense, emotionally speaking. I wouldn’t have to explain some things, maybe she would naturally “just get me.” Not that I think being with a woman is getting a cheater-free card because obviously there are plenty of female fuckwits out there. But I’ve never had any attraction toward women and like you said, I don’t know if you can suddenly develop an attraction for the same sex just like I don’t think you could do that for the opposite sex. I think you who are you are and you would probably have at least an inkling of your preferences early in life. That’s just my opinion.

GetOutYoSeatAndChumpAround
GetOutYoSeatAndChumpAround
7 years ago

My dearest Attention Whore-mongers,

I love me some me.

Ok so maybe that’s not exactly breaking news but I haven’t posted in like a whole hour and I was starting to get the shakes.

I panicked.

New selfies of me wearing my Please, Worry About Me! face are forthcoming.

UXworld
UXworld
7 years ago

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Uneffingbelievable
Uneffingbelievable
7 years ago

Dear Minions –

I know how impressed you’ve all been with my Clark Kent imitation for all these years – captain of industry, leader of the Frat Pack, great friend to those who don’t know me too well, father of the year, and fabulous husband to my wife whom I’ve worn like a platinum Rolex making me look successful with her beauty and brains. I know you have all been impressed with the names I have dropped, jocks I have sniffed, and the caliber of ass I have kissed.

It’s been exhausting keeping up this charade, my mask always firmly in place, my alligator shoes shined, my $300.00 pants perfectly pressed and my cashmere sweaters pill-free. Due to an unfortunate incident that was NOT MY FAULT IN ANY WAY, I have now been divested of my fabulous job, my cushy digs, my lovely wife (that bitch!) and – except for every other weekend – my child. Since there has been no way to gaslight my way out of this, I’ve now decided to show who I really am.

So, if you need help in any way? Fuck you! Unless you kiss my ass endlessly and pay me back for my time and effort, you are on your own. If you are interested in dating me? You better be prepared for no emotional support, no physical affection unless I want to use you as a blow up doll, which will culminate in my cheating on you because you’ll never fill the black void in my soul. And anything else you peons might need me for? Be prepared to always hear “What’s in it for me?”

I’ll be the beast with the steely inhuman eyes that is always looking for prey. You’ll be able to smell the evil on me. My mask is gone. Even an Armani suit won’t be able to cover up the rotting soul. You’ve been warned.

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
7 years ago

+1000!!!

Sausalito
Sausalito
7 years ago

PERFECT!!!

blessingindisguise
blessingindisguise
7 years ago

Unrelated to the challenge of the day, but I just about peed myself laughing at the comment about cancer kibbles. Not that cancer is funny in any way, but my STBXH dated and doted on a gal undergoing cancer treatments and then promptly dumped her. I guess the self-care required for her own health took away from his kibbles. Or maybe the meds diminished her desire for him. Either way, I’m sure she was deemed “no longer useful.”

northLondon
northLondon
7 years ago

Is she narcissist enough to use this relationship (with someone who is terminally ill) as the basis for her next book and speaking tour?

How many people do you emotionally destroy on your journey to find your authentic self?

Chipmaker
Chipmaker
7 years ago
Reply to  northLondon

Anyone who does not foresee at least one, probably two sequels, is amusingly naive.

Her authentic self is whatever it needs to be for the next book.

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  Chipmaker

Can’t remember — in the stories about her separation that she announced on Facebook, was there any mention of her STBX (X?) husband’s having agreed to nondisclosure? If not, HE should get ahead of this, hire a ghostwriter if need be, and spill. IIRC, he was devastated by his first divorce … and as far as I can tell, is quite the sympathetic character.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  northLondon

Yes, I believe there may be a new book coming…

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Kellia, that was my first thought. My second was, please, please let there be reviewers who’ll tear her shit story, and shit prose, to shreds.

TheMuse, my third thought was, “If EG gets a movie deal out of this I think everyone at CN should write, Tweet, whatever to Julia Roberts.” Not sure what I’d say (mind is slow these days) but I’m sure CN members would know where to start …

TheMuse
TheMuse
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

and will Julia Cheater Roberts play her in the new movie too?

ANC
ANC
7 years ago

To those whom I have loved,

True bonds are created through mutual connection. I care deeply about our past connections and want to further strengthen our bonds. 24+ months of individual therapy, not including the 6 months were is was lying to me AND my therapist, have shown me the path to authenticity.

Believe me when I say to all of you my deep regret in overlapping the bonds of connection. I am a Nice Guy. I am someone you can trust to become whatever you need me to be in whatever situation. Your faults and deficiencies are not troublesome for me. We all need to focus on self-improvement and I can coach you to becoming a better you.

Kindest regards,
Nice Guy
==========

In all seriousness Chumps, beware of the mindfuck.

ANC
ANC
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Pls excuse iPad typos

Blindside
Blindside
7 years ago

I saw an article on this on HuffPo. Half of the comments are calling her out for what she is (an immature sociopath) and the rest all support her using some variation of “she’s finding her true self” and “she’s just trying to live her authentic life”. Go read them, it’s both mind-blowing and comical at the same time.

I’m so sick of hearing (and reading) all these fluffy, intangible concepts as excuses to screw over your spouse. They make it sound like she’s just running in a sundress across a field of flowers with a butterfly net – trying to catch happiness. That’s fine to do if you’re on your own…fine go chase your butterflies. But please don’t try to pass that shit off when in reality you’re just screwing over the people that loved and trusted you.

As many of the comments on HuffPo pointed out to her defenders, and CL did above, imagine if Elizabeth’s husband decided to run off with some other woman to go “find himself” and “live his authentic life”. What would the defenders say about that? Probably that he’s an asshole – and they’d be right.

TheMuse
TheMuse
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

it’s disgusting just like the HONY (Humans of New York) facebook which has posted numerous times about cheaters. All the Sheeple dutifully post “don’t JUDGE!!!” like it’s a horrible crime to have moral standards and to “judge” someone who fucks other people over like they are meaningless turds.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

+1

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago

Oh the discard. Elizabeth Gilbert is a flaming Narcissist. Once she was done with her 2 husbands, she proceeded with the discard, toss in the trash, move onto the next victim. I feel bad for Rayya, her new lover. It’s just a matter of time, before she also gets the discard. Yes I’m sure Elizabeth loves you, because we all know how capable Narcissists are in loving someone…

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, Rayya will probably shuffle loose this mortal coil before Lizzy ever gets the chance to discard. The prognosis for Pancreatic cancer is usually not positive since it’s not typically found until it metastasizes somewhere else and it sounds like it might have since the cancer is in her liver too.

So sad that her last moments on earth are going to be spent with narcissistilla the hun! I’m sure it will make a wonderful scene in her new fab book/movie. The minions, err audience watches with tear filled eyes as Liz steadfastly holds Rayya’s hand and watches her “slide away.” Fade to black.

Vomit!

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

It is in poor taste to say anything disparaging about a woman with cancer, BUT Rayya is not exactly a paragon of virtue in this made-for-movie drama. No doubt these two women were having an affair of some sort before the big cancer unveil in February and we all know that folks who choose to pursue and be with married people and help deceive the innocent spouse are also shitty people. So I don’t think it is necessary for us to feel sorry for her being with narcissistilla.

Awake
Awake
7 years ago

Most narcs are whores. This one gets to sleep with a dying woman and then write a best selling book in the future about it. Get a movie made about it and become even richer and more famous. And the gay community will make her a hero. Ugh! Scum

NfV
NfV
7 years ago

Ah yes, the Terrible Illness kibble dispenser. Wasband has one, with a really awful disease. And a ton of money! But really–who can provide more centrality than someone who is increasingly debilitated, and thinks the sun rises and sets on you?

Alas, this OW, was fucking my wasband before we divorced. So, yeah, to me, just another downgrade, eh?

I find it very ironic, since I too have a chronic debilitating condition (just not as sexy), and it was one of the many reasons in the cheat-catalog that I got recited at me during the whole post DDay BS sessions.

JC
JC
7 years ago

Dear Individuals (because “Individuals” is a synonym for “Ones” but more honest about how I feel about you pathetic followers who live vicariously through my blog posts),

As you may have suspected, I have consciously uncoupled from my partner of more than three years. My love for Officer Oliver is eternal, but the day-to-day of taking care of our infant, Helga, has signaled the end of our passionate adventure (even through I *really* believed my comvincing him to impregnate me would keep our spark alive, as opposed to cause our flame to wane. I guess he [not I, of course, as I’m special] couldn’t handle the job of lover and father at the same time, and I feel that we’ve been living together as bipolar roommates, which you know is not what I deserve. I wish him the best, and we will be linked together forever like flowers and spring!

But, fret not, my lovely Individuals! For I have a new love! His name is Frederick, and he is a great conversationalist and easy on the eyes…as long as we stand together only in low or stroboscopic light at clubs, surrounded by people half our age, coked up and dancing as we are all meant to in our lives! Plus, Freddie already has six kids from four different women, so he’s got the parenting thing DOWN COLD! As with Oliver, we met at work, but this time our uptight employer stuck to the “rules” and decided that one of us must be let go. I made the sacrifice for the both is us, which is all I know how to do.

Some of you may be asking whether Freddie is cause of the rebirth of my “butterfly” feeling since about the sixth month of my pregnancy with dear Helga. And you’d be right! After all, you can’t get knocked up when you’re already pregnant!

And to those of you who will miss Officer O (wink!), don’t be so down! He’s already moved in with a beautiful mother of three working on her GED. That girl has a brain on her shoulders, so she’ll treat him right!

I wish you all the best and that you undertake your journey of self-exploration and love in the same reckless, caution-to-the-wind manner that I have!

PS, Blogging will be limited over the next two months, as I have embarked on a new adventure of moving back across the country and into my parents’ place, as and am seeking a new career path that better suits my need to explore! I’ve gained the wisdom that there is no greater expression of self than family!

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

????

JC
JC
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

Oh, and to answer those of you who asked (I cherish how you care!), Freddie and four of his kids will join me in my move to my childhood home! My parents adore him!

Freddie’s other 2 kids are of legal age and have therefore told him to fuck off. But we won’t let their childish name-calling destroy our love!

Roaring
Roaring
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

Whoa

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

Merciless. Please tell me she doesn’t get to take the baby.

Allie
Allie
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

WOW.

Incest: New Hotness
Incest: New Hotness
7 years ago

I know of a man whose cheating ex decided that she was not only was a lesbian, but decided her true soul mate was her penniless 20 year younger lounge singer first cousin.

It’s so nice to see so many barriers being broken so people can be “AUTHENTIC”. Screw the three kids from two marriages. “Love is love”, amirite?!

The family was so proud.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago

I am speechless! And lol@ your profile name.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

+1

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
7 years ago

Hello, fans!

This is Rhys here! I wish you could all come with me on this magical journey that I’m taking to Europe with my love of the moment. Don’t worry, she’s totally cool with it! Rome is gorgeous, miss all of you and your cake dearly!

(similar to a postcard he sent me)

Disillusioned
Disillusioned
7 years ago

Dear Loyal Fans, thank you so much for your wonderful support of my Self-help book “How to Successfully Exploit Women and Young Girls Without Getting Arrested”. It truly has been a Dupers Delight. It’s time, however, that I must confess my truth. Because my wife will no longer tolerate my pathological lying, cheating and emotional abuse I am now free to pursue my true love of forty years; my childhood friend George. Turns out I really love anal and have only pursued women and young girls so I can damage and destroy them. This should also put to rest any rumors about why the couch my wife and I had to toss smelled like ass. Thanks again suckers.

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
7 years ago
Reply to  Disillusioned

Lmao!!!!!!!!! ?

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Disillusioned

This should also put to rest any rumors about why the couch my wife and I had to toss smelled like a**. Gross yet so well written! Got a chuckle

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

+1

Chris W.
Chris W.
7 years ago

Again, in the vein of “these Disordered Freaks never change”, these people do not change, ever. This won’t be the last EG cheating story we hear of about her. File this under “They Never Change” and for anyone out there sitting on the fence thinking you have a unicorn: Again, They. Never. Change

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  Chris W.

I wrote above that I hope E.G.’s husband (Ex, yet?) gets ahead of this one and spills.

They. Never. Change. — should be the title of his book! Three words. Decisive punctuation. Chump agony, not cheater spin. And best of all : TRUTH. What it’s really like.

(I know. It’s unlikely he’ll do it. But a smart film producer or ghostwriter ought to JUMP to try to convince him.)

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago

Dear brothers and sisters,
After spending 20+ years trying to turn my husband into a christian I have has a revelation. Yes, 20+ years. He even acted better than most christian’s but wasn’t a devote one. He worked a demanding job and bought me a house in a safe neighborhood and I had the newest car always. But he didn’t go to church or read his bible. I had to do all that alone and later with my kids. Then divine intervention. I’m sure it was God! I met my daughters boyfriends dad. He was married at the time so nothing happened. But within a short time his wife left him accusing him of cheating. What? He was a youth minister before and was a founder of a local church here. Liar!!! How dare she spread a rumor like that! Anyway, I was having trouble with my husband. So, I discussed the bible with him and my marriage. And through this, I realized he and I should be together. He was truly the one God wanted me with (even though i told husband that). So we bonded! Many times! Husband asked my directly about my involvement with him which I had to tell him it was friends only. Husband even discussed divorce during that time. I quickly told him no to that. How the heck are two unemployed people to survive? So, I stayed in the marriage and told him what he needed to hear! Then one day Godly man ended it. I was crushed but never let on something was wrong. I went into deep depression and had physical issues arise but husband saw to it I saw medical professionals and got medicine or surgeries when needed. Then God took care of me. At the casino with my mom (husband was working as ususal) I ran into an old friend. A guy I knew from school. He wasn’t married and was interested in me. A new friend! Still married though. Well, a few months with him and I was ready for a divorce. I finally had the courage to tell husband and face future without him supporting me. He fought it like crazy and tried to become what I wanted. But 6 months later I had enough. Even though he found God. I told him about the 1st affair. He was upset but still wanted the marriage. He still told me to move out. I had to move in with my parents at first. Then he lost it! Filed for divorce and pursued custody of our daughters! What nerve! Well the divorced happened and now i get minimal child support because he did get 50/50 custody. But friend and I are together. We discuss the bible and God daily! Once I bought the marital home with my 1/2 of assets (paid for) boyfriend moved in. It was awesome. Neither of us worked and just did whatever. But then we had to pay for stuff??? So I got a minimum wage job. And X doesn’t do anything for me above child support. After all the years I was by his side. Yes, he does pay for 100% of kids stuff, but what about me. Boyfriend got a job but it only lasted a few weeks. He missed sleeping late and doing drugs all day! Then he turned bad as well. So I had to kick him out. Why the Post??? I need help brothers and sisters. They have all turned on me. I am still faithful to God and now I need your help. Please anything you can spare. God does say to take care of the widows and orphans. Be faithful children!

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

That’s horrendous. So sorry. {{hugs}}

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

Stomach-turning, LostnTx. I don’t know how these Jesus cheaters can wake up each morning and stand to look at themselves in the mirror. Oh wait, they are narcissists, they love looking in the mirror. So sorry.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

They’re phony and their time will come when they have to answer… It’s called judgment day. Muahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa

Done4Good
Done4Good
7 years ago

Hello All,

It has come to my attention that happiness is very important. More specifically, MY happiness. In pursuit of that happiness, I have made the decision to walk away from my family and see what’s out there for me. I’m sure my wife and young child will be fine. I mean really, I’m doing this for them. At least, that’s what I told them. I know my wife is strong, loyal and faithful so I have the utmost confidence that I can go off and play the single life and she will take care of things at home without any concern that she will violate the agreement we made together to stay true to the marriage while we sort things out. Poor thing has no idea I have no intention of ever going back but she doesn’t need to know that because…cake is so delicious! She also doesn’t need to know that I will violate our agreement within four months with some trashy law school whore who thinks I am a sad sausage because my marriage fell apart. But it doesn’t really matter what she thinks because she’s cheating on her fiancée because she’s bored. Can you say soul mate? Squeal!!!

Anyhow, even though that relationship built on lies didn’t quite work out, nor did my poor attempt at love bombing my next soul mate, I am still in pursuit of that happiness which is getting harder since my wife decided she’s done serving up cake and is filing for divorce. I really don’t understand her problem. I mean here I am trying to maintain the status quo of being married and not have to be troubled with pointless things like child support, and all she seems to be concerned with is that she’s been stuck in limbo for almost three years. Geez, it’s all about her needs suddenly after years of putting her life on hold. Can we please put the focus back on me and my needs? Happiness!!! Where is MY happiness??

You know what’s funny though, I seem to be even less happy these days than I ever was during my marriage and my destructive behavior is out of control since my wife started limiting contact with me and is finally taking control of her life. Perhaps the whole marriage/family thing wasn’t the reason I was so unhappy? Maybe she was the one that was keeping me from going completely off the rails and into crazy town. Maybe the issue was not her but…whoops, have to stop there. Too much self-reflection isn’t good for that happiness thing. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes…Happiness!!!

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  Done4Good

“Geez, it’s all about her needs suddenly after years of putting her life on hold. Can we please put the focus back on me and my needs? Happiness!!! Where is MY happiness??” NAILED IT!

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

+1. “I mean really, I’m doing this for them. At least, that’s what I told them.” I’m gobsmacked. And three years? What a colossal asshat.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Done4Good

My favorite part.. Squeal!!!!!!!!

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Done4Good

LMAO!

NotThisGirl
NotThisGirl
7 years ago
Reply to  Done4Good

Love it!

Sausalito
Sausalito
7 years ago

Dear friends and family,
I know I haven’t been in touch much, and I only seem to surface at obligatory holiday gatherings, or when I need something, but I want you to know that I consider us to be super close!! And I brag to my superficial acquaintances about how close I am to my family and childhood friends even though I only have contact once a year or so. I mean, I am important and have A LOT of stuff going on what with my stressful job where they don’t appreciate my brilliance, and all the toys I have to accumulate and maintain in order to show off to my superficial acquaintances. So how could I possibly have time to help my elderly mother move, or reach out to my old friend who’s wife died of cancer leaving him with four young kids? Anyhoo, you will all be thrilled to know that, luckily for you, all that is about to change, now that I need kibbles, er, support. I was shocked to find out that my wife is no longer willing to put up with my porn habit, anger management issues, and verbal of abuse of her and our kids. Furthermore, I am expecting that you will all support me unequivocally because Blood Is Thicker Than Water, and all that stuff. Plus she’s a cold, mean, sexless bitch who will never find anyone better than ME ME ME.

Love ya (when it’s convenient), Douchewad

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  Sausalito

Thanks for the laughs Sausalito, this could have been written by my X. These jerks have so many of the same traits it’s unbelievable.

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  Sausalito

Douchebag indeed! What’s that other one I saw, can’t remember who posted it…. Douchecanoe.

Allie
Allie
7 years ago

Dear Ones,

You have perhaps heard recent whisperings of an unfortunate scene that happened at one of my popular yet shockingly non-financially sufficient self-improvement seminars. Because I always try to live in my truth, I will confirm for you that yes, it was unfortunately for the attendees, disrupted by the pregnant wife of a dear, dear friend of mine, a friend that I have been counseling through a dark period of his life. My close, soulmate-level platonic friend and I are giving her as much support as we can in this difficult time, no matter how strongly she resists our assistance–and to her own detriment, too!

After all, I more than anyone know the emotional toll that womb-crafting another human life can take, especially for a woman like my friend’s wife, who is not in touch with her own spiritual power. If only she would listen to me, as my lovely, handsome friend has over these past few months, as he devoted thousands of dollars of their savings into my work, which aims to change the world for the better through the mystical powers of leaf-peeping, stone carving, and spiritual impartment into raw chicken eggs. As I told him during our most recent private retreat, which occurred alone, in my home, while my husband was away on a business trip, one day, his wife will be capable of seeing him for the towering figure of spiritual fulfilment he is, and will see that all the time and money he spends alone, with me, is actually good for their relationship, as he comes back to her a much less frustrated and angry individual. To be perfectly frank, one of the main reasons she receives so little of his anger is that he’s gone almost every weekend, whether or not he informs her beforehand that she is on her own for all child and household duties. It would be cruel to burden her more with details about his spiritual awakening, as on top of all the care she must take of their home and other children, she is very, very busy womb-crafting, and if often makes her sick and irrational, in body and mind.

At any rate, I remain convinced that we will eventually be able to convince her of our holy and entirely spiritual connection, even if I have to give her a dozen magical raw chicken eggs to do so. Stay radiant, dear ones! Shanti Shanti!

Roaring
Roaring
7 years ago
Reply to  Allie

Oh wow. This is tremendous

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  Allie

+++

Ugh no..
Ugh no..
7 years ago
Reply to  Allie

Oh man- I had a Tony Robbins flash during that. Love it!

Allie
Allie
7 years ago
Reply to  Ugh no..

Yeah, she WISHES she were Tony Robbins. But she can barely make ends meet peddling her BS (and chicken eggs) to whoever is willing to swallow that crap. And meanwhile, I’m unenlightened or whatever because I don’t understand the strength of their bond. (The husband, btw, when I informed him of all of this crap, freaked the F out, so I guess that makes him unenlightened, too.)

Ugh no...
Ugh no...
7 years ago
Reply to  Allie

Is it awful that I’m imagining how much fun it would be to make juvenile trouble during an enlightenment seminar? Does she do that crazy throwing motion that Tony Robbins does where it looks like he’s shot putting a small man into outer space? I wish someone would put out a cheaterville wide bulletin that the old “soulmate/platonic friend/ I have too much character to do that” excuse has been in rotation for far too long. It’s actually getting comical.

Allie
Allie
7 years ago
Reply to  Ugh no...

I honestly don’t know what the fuck they do. It’s a cult. The man I married and bred with joined a cult. How do you plan for THAT? Totally blindsided. At least I didn’t let him suck me in, pregnancy hormones or no. Half the people in their cult have left their spouses for other people in the cult. But hey, Burning Man! My efforts now are to make sure he doesn’t suck the kids into it, or let their “permissive” culture wreck their sense of right and wrong. I also live in terror that the kids will get sick on his watch, and he’ll hit them with his voodoo form of “all Western medicine is evil” magical thinking.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Allie

Allie – ‘Half the people in their cult have left their spouses for other people in the cult.’

What the hell is THIS?
Did I miss an earlier post from you?
I would have NO idea how you would battle something like a cult and keep your kids out of it.
That is one scary situation.
I hope you have a good lawyer and a lot of help to break free of this creep.
Please keep us posted.

We had a cult formed out of our small community on the west coast.
They took many mothers from their families, many fathers as well, and many children and just disappeared. Very bizarre.
They showed up years later in AZ where they were following the Hale-Bopp comet eventually and everybody committed suicide in the end.
Typical cult.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heaven%27s_Gate_(religious_group)

Allie
Allie
7 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

Yeah, it’s not that kind of cult. It’s very hippy dippy and filled with very rich people who feel soulless and empty and are more than happy to pay “life coaches” “psychics” “astrologers” “shamans” and other parasitic hangers on thousands and thousands of dollars to tell them they are actually really good people and it’s Western Society that is wrong and OMG, we should all just take a page from “indigenous cultures” man. (WHICH indigenous cultures? Who cares! They all must be better than this soul-sucking “Western society”, man!) I would not be surprised if several of them hung out with EG. It’s not “OMG, they will disappear my children and commit mass suicide.” It’s more like “Are these people for real with their crystals and their past-life regression therapy?

Chumpasaurus Rex
Chumpasaurus Rex
7 years ago

I would write out a hypothetical, but in true “you cannot make this shit up” fashion, my cheater did address his adoring fans on Facebook. I cannot remember the entry verbatim, but it acknowledged the Ashley Madison leak scandal. He waxed sentimental about God’s love, the power of prayer, how he had so tremendously fallen, and how grateful he is to still have the support that he has in his “friends”, Jesus, and (completely dysfunctional) family.

It didn’t take me long to read between the lines. He mentioned the AM scandal because “See, everyone does this! It’s not just me! It was just a mistake! She’s my twu wuv and we are going to be together forever!” And, I think that he wanted people to feel sorry for him/see him in a better light. “Oh! He’s repentant! He’s struggling! He isn’t to blame for this horrible situation. He’s a VICTIM! We stood by him and he appreciates it sooooo much! Let’s throw a party in his honor! Does anyone know all of the bars to ‘For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow’ on the harmonica?”

Luckily, I could see it for what it was and so could all of my (bright and genuine) non-Switzerland friends…

NotThisGirl
NotThisGirl
7 years ago

I had a Jesus cheater too! They love to play the God card and then act as if they are the victim. My STBX actually thinks he is absolved of all responsibility for his actions. The lying, cheating, trips, breaking of the marriage covenant, and causing me the worst pain/loss of my life is not his fault. He is the victim because I didn’t take him back. His dysfunctional family also supports his delusional belief system.

Chumpasaurus Rex
Chumpasaurus Rex
7 years ago
Reply to  NotThisGirl

His parents literally told me “the devil made him do it.” Their solution? Something I like to refer to as “pray the stray away”: pray 5 times @ 20 minutes each prayer per day. Guess it isn’t a proven method.

The Jesus cheaters are the most committed to impression management in my opinion. Otherwise, how are they going to get into Heaven? I mean, cheating isn’t a MAJOR sin, and as long as they repent, all is forgiven. Spoiler alert: being a Christian and trusting in Jesus’ forgiveness does not grant you Carte Blanche to be a complete and utter asshole.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago

“The Jesus cheaters are the most committed to impression management in my opinion.”

And they get tons of support from dysfunctional family and friends to help them. A win-win for everyone. Barf.

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

True, the same people, (family and friends) who X ignored and ridiculed are now his best friends. Their friendship will last as long as they serve a purpose.
I realize now X is as pathetic as he said they were and they deserve each other’s two-face fake friendships.

Chumpasaurus Rex
Chumpasaurus Rex
7 years ago

Also, GUARANTEED she writes a sappy, contrived book about her last days with her “True Love”. That shit-haired, sanctimonious post should have had dollar signs interspersed throughout to represent the ones in her eyes right now. And, you know who probably gives the best kibbles? People whose days on this earth are numbered. This woman is truly a sociopathic, narcissistic parasite.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago

Dear One$,

I have new$. $ad new$. Don’t be $$$hocked.

Chumpasaurus Rex
Chumpasaurus Rex
7 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

Hahaha! Exactly what I had in mind! So perfect!

“I truly mourn the lo$$ of my ca$h cow…er, I mean ‘True Love’, my dear one$….”

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago

Lol!

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

LMAO Finding Bliss!!!!!!!!

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

Thi$ i$ friggin hilariou$!!

Kurleegirl
Kurleegirl
7 years ago

Dear Harem,

I know you are listening as I have spent more than a decade complaining to you how my wife of 15 years is the most horrible creature on earth. She has failed in everyway as a wife and most importantly failed to meet my needs…I mean my need for secret porn stashes and illicit sex with ‘friends of the family”. Since my wife absolutely refuses to have sex with me, I have no choice but to bring my latest conquest into our home under the guise of needing a babysitter and fuck her every chance I get under my wife’s nose in front of my two toddler children. No matter, they are too small, they won’t know what I’m doing. I’m not committing any crimes. Even if I video tape us having sex and one of them just might be in the frame of the camera.

And since I’m also a Peeping Tom, I’ll drill holes in the bathroom wall in the handicapped bathroom at my church as it is conveniently located next to sound room where I’m supposed to be serving the Lord as a sound technician. You see my wife gained some weight with having my two children and I’m no longer attracted to her, so I’ll just peep for kicks and when that is not enough, set up video cameras in my own bathroom so when I bring the OW over during the day while my wife is at work and I should be watching my kids, I might be able to catch her take a whizz. But that isn’t a reason for my wife to be concerned as our boy and girl approach puberty.

And when caught with the OW, my wife bitch kicked me and my darling girlfriend out of the house! How dare she tell me that I cannot have my whore and her too! How dare she file for divorce and force me to pay child support? Doesn’t she know I need that money to LIIIIVE? To support the OW as she has no skills other than to fuck me and be my ‘friend” and that doesn’t bring an income! And just where and I supposed to live? I screwed over my parents and made them lose their house, so I have nowhere to go now! You mean I actually have to live on MY salary? I thought I could just financially rape my marriage and then use the money to ride off into the sunset with the retarded OW(as she is the only one who would have me now)!!Everybody join me in calling my wife…I mean now ex-wife a MEANIE!

Cupcake
Cupcake
7 years ago
Reply to  Kurleegirl

“And since I’m also a Peeping Tom, I’ll drill holes in the bathroom wall in the handicapped bathroom at my church as it is conveniently located next to sound room where I’m supposed to be serving the Lord as a sound technician.”

That’s a crime, if he was really doing that…multiple crimes, against multiple women and most probably, some underaged girls. If he set up a camera at home, he may have done the same at church.

I hope that the police were notified of that and the church at large was informed, since there were obviously some victims had their rights violated, if this isn’t fictional. It really should have been reported and investigated. Voyeurism / filming people against their will is some really bad stuff and a SEX CRIME.

Kurleegirl
Kurleegirl
7 years ago
Reply to  Cupcake

I wish I was making this up. Unfortunately even though my pastor was notified, nothing has been done about this issue. Although I found the spy cameras he was using, I never found the memory chips so I didn’t have the hard proof. I knew he was guilty but hard to procecute. My situation was so complicated that by the time I found out about this, It had to stand in line behind the 5 other issues I was dealing with at the same time. I found out that some of these acts are indeed felonies but by the time I found out, the statute of limitations had run out. I decided to concentrate on divorcing him as soon as possible to protect me and the kids as there were (and still is) financial issues directly related to the divorce that could tank me financially for a long time. He is a very sick person and honestly, my clergy was so stunned that they didn’t even know what to tell me. All throughout this I was dealing with my mom being sick and dying from Parkinson’s, my ex having stage 4 cancer, but still managing to cheat throughout, and me just trying to keep from falling apart. I had to put my son in therapy for 3 years, I have been in counseling for 5 years. I am so emotionally drained I just want out…..

Kutleegirl
Kutleegirl
7 years ago
Reply to  Cupcake

I wish I was making this up. Unfortunately even though my pastor was notified, nothing has been done about this issue. Although I found the spy cameras he was using, I never found the memory chips so I didn’t have the hard proof. I knew he was guilty but hard to procecute. My situation was so complicated that by the time I found out about this, It had to stand in line behind the 5 other issues I was dealing with at the same time. I found out that some of these acts are indeed felonies but by the time I found out, the statute of limitations had run out. I decided to concentrate on divorcing him as soon as possible to protect me and the kids as there were (and still is) financial issues directly related to the divorce that could tank me financially for a long time. He is a very sick person and honestly, my clergy was so stunned that they didn’t even know what to tell me. All throughout this I was dealing with my mom being sick and dying from Parkinson’s, my ex having stage 4 cancer, but still managing to cheat throughout, and me just trying to keep from falling apart. I had to put my son in therapy for 3 years, I have been in counseling for 5 years. I am so emotionally drained I just want out…..

Cupcake
Cupcake
7 years ago
Reply to  Kutleegirl

Oh Kurleegirl, I’m so sorry if my comment came across as judging you about that! I didn’t mean it that way…I had a very evil man in my life too and it’s impossible to react to all of their sickness and evil deeds. It is impossible! I do not in any way think you are responsible for confronting him or cleaning up after his probable crimes. You did the right thing, brought it to the attention of the church leadership. When I wrote that comment I was actually feeling upset about the church’s responsibility in the matter, because this happens a lot, there are a lot of perverts who are active in churches because of the access to victims and religious “good guy” cover. I’m familiar with many, many highly publicized situations where churches and pastors turned a blind eye to sexual abuse, and even going as far as to protect, support and cover-up for pedophiles and voyeurs on their staff or as volunteers. So sorry that you and your children have to continue to have your ExH in your lives, as he is obviously really sick. I wish you and your loved ones much safety and peace from all of the turmoil.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Kurleegirl

Your X falls toward the far end of the “sick” spectrum.

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Yeah, the phrase “off the deep end” came to mind. But I guess you can’t fall off a spectrum.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  ClaireS

Lol

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago
Reply to  Kurleegirl

Wow people can be truly demented! I’m so sorry you have kids with it and hope some way you can get custody of them and he can only get supervised visits. I also hope you recover and have strong people around to help you through it all!

Kurleegirl
Kurleegirl
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

I have full custody, luckily he didn’t fight me on it. The visits are unsupervised but I made sure to educate my kids well and as they are heading into puberty they are seeking privacy more now. So they will likely notice if something is off. He really doesn’t want to RAISE the kids (aka the play dates that are 4 days a month on average) as that is way too much trouble so he often pans them off on his mother or siblings…that he is actually not watching him most of the time is how I stay sane.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago

Dear Hes and Shes and Sheep,

Because “Dear Ones” does not quite as explicitly let everyone know that I will fuck absolutely anyone of any gender and probably any species! I am so excited to let you know of the new “greener pastures” in which I find myself! It seems that my wife disapproves of my secret drinking, drug use, affairs with married women, and yes, a high school boyfriend I’ve been fucking for the past 30-plus years. I offered to go to marriage counseling with her in lieu of changing any of these behaviors and I am truly amazed that she declined! She is churlish and has no desire to FIX our marriage so I am now living in this really cool (and really small and really roach infested) bachelor pad! I charge my bar bills on the joint VISA nightly just to let her know how much I miss her! And my boyfriend, who likes to go by his middle name Christian because he is so close with God, flies down every month to help me “break in” my new couch and new mattress … the only two pieces of furniture I own in this exciting bachelor pad located in a run-down neighborhood filled with tattoo parlors and title loan shops. Life is really good, I tell you! I even get to see my child every other weekend which is actually more often than when we were living in the same house. And the settlement I signed is full of lots of confusing big words followed by large dollar amounts that seem a bit ominous, yet I really don’t have a clue what any of it means and I am certain my life will continue to be grand when the agreement takes effect in about 2 months! Let’s all raise a glass (or eight!) to whatever it is that might be in that legally signed document! Woo Hoo!! Because if it is one thing I am sure of, my soon-to-be-ex wife has always loved me and put me first and I am certain she wouldn’t be so petty as to wish to deny me happy times with my boyfriend!!! I will post again when I find out just how awesome that settlement turns out to be … stay tuned Hes and Shes and Sheep!

Clueless Shithead

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

They really are shitheads. You deserve so much better.

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

SureChumpedAlot and FindingBliss — totally agree. Perfectly stated.

DixieChump, you might have answered this question already, sorry if so… Do people know about him?

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  ClaireS

No. He is very much in the closet, which is the leverage that got me such a good settlement.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

You’re amazing, Dixie Chump.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Dixie your writing is priceless…..but your story is sad. However, I am happy for you that Mr. Brokeback is gone – good riddance there.

Freeholder
Freeholder
7 years ago

To everyone in Switzerland:
As you all know, it has been a trying time since the decision to put my husband in jail after he restrained me per my orders after I stabbed him in the back with a small pair of scissors. Since the custody evaluator decided that I was borderline and bipolar and ordered that I be supervised with the kids, I have made the difficult decision to start over again and create a new family. Since I got remarried on the day the divorce was signed to a nice fatherly figure who is 19 years older than me, I am certain he will make a good father given his advanced age and am making great progress on replacing my four kids who I have not seen in 18 months (since my legal appeals have failed against the tyrany of being ordered to go to therapy by the court), by having a new baby 10 months after getting married and I am proud to announce that I am now carrying twins. Unfortunently, this means that child support will still be delayed since this is my tenth high risk pregnancy which will require bedrest and being a stay at home mom is the most important thing in the world to me. I know some of you will express concern that it puts me in exactly the same situation I was in when I said I was abused and controlled by that bastard who I threw in jail and now is taking care of my 4 kids. That bastard makes enough money to raise the kids without help and in fact he should be paying me since I am the one who went thru child birth. Maybe someday the court will stop making these crushing demands of child support and mental health requirements that are completely unfair and I can be in contact with all of my kids. Hopefully with God’s blessing I can have even more kids. God Bless.

Freeholder
Freeholder
7 years ago
Reply to  Freeholder

Sadly, I just found out that this comment, made in jest with a little bit of knowledge, turns out to be completely true.

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  Freeholder

I am so sorry for you and your kids, and even her new kids. No one deserves to have a spouse like that, but it’s horrible for kids to have a parent like that. I’ve said before that my dad got full custody and it was the absolute best thing that happened to me. Your kids are lucky to have a good dad.

Lyn
Lyn
7 years ago
Reply to  Freeholder

Oh Freeholder, that is just awful! Sorry this has happened to you, but glad you’re free from this woman.

Freeholder
Freeholder
7 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Thank you both. This was actually a fun project. We are beyond comedy and into lifetime movie stage. Now that the appeals court has ruled, documents are now starting to be public. In my state, most divorce work is private but appeals cases are public records. I am in a much better place now, so are the kids, and life moves on.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  Freeholder

Wow. I’m speechless.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
7 years ago

Dearest Believers of Unicorns,

I am here to sprinkle my glittery sparkles and tell you how long I suffered in anonymity in my household – unappreciated for sitting on my ass and playing Xbox all night (well, in between checking my 8 email accounts and 10 personal ad sites) and ignoring my teenage children while my unappreciative wife put they baby to bed. But now I have found my one twu wuv AT THE GYM! How lucky for me to find someone who will truly appreciate me. She’ll put me first – where I DESERVE to be. Who cares if she has young children to raise… she sees my SPARKLES and will cater to my every whim… oh and her Dad is a millionaire business owner (BONUS!).

Forgive me, I must abandon my loyal, love-blind, bankroll wife #2 and ride off to the sunset of happiness with the OW. (Won’t she be surprised when she finds out I’m BI!)

Hugs and Kisses,
Mr. Sparkles

p.s. If I lose the OW – I’ll go back to the wife… afterall, she’ll be missing me sooooo much.

Lyn
Lyn
7 years ago

I remember feeling sorry for her boyfriend (or husband?) in Gilbert’s book, “Eat, Pray, Love,” because it didn’t seem like he did anything to cause her to “fall out of love.” Basically, she just seemed messed up. To be honest, I think she’s more in love with the drama she creates in her relationships than with the people themselves. Maybe it makes good material for her writing.

Anyway, I don’t really have to go too far out of reality to come up with my ex’s social media post:

To all the little people,

Many of you know that I love horses more than people, and although my wife likes them, she doesn’t love them. For that reason, I will be riding off into the sunset with my former grad student, who shares the same passion for horses that I do. She’s thrilled to shovel stalls with me, and always tells me how wonderful I am, which has nothing to do with me being her boss/former professor. She worships me in a way that my wife never has, and it has nothing to do with her being a lot younger than me. My wife, on the other hand, just shovels stalls silently. She doesn’t do it because she loves horses, she only does it because she loves me. This is unacceptable. Once I get my coworker/love-of-my-life to leave her husband, we’re going to live on a big farm and help people through the awesome horse business we build together. Just remember, I don’t have to follow society’s rules, I can make my own.

Sincerely,
Horse’s Ass

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

What a great big horse sh-t sandwich, Lyn

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Great writing Lyn….Sounds like your ex didn’t have much luck with the sheep, so he became a horse whisperer.

#onewhowhisperstohorsesorwhorses

Lyn
Lyn
7 years ago

LOL, love your hashtag!

Roberta
Roberta
7 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Lyn, I remember an email from my Ex (supposedly) addressed to everyone, and I do mean everyone, in his family coming in late at night. It caused a whole shit storm. A lot of family members had no idea that Mr. Perfect had fallen off the rails and was head over heels “in lurve” with a MOW he had hooked up with on Facebook so it was all exposed in this little “to my family” letter. It exposed his affair, but made it sound like he finally found the angel he needed to make his life complete! It waxed poetic about the beauty of their love and how special it was! In the final paragraph it announced that they would “leave the door open” for family who wanted to rejoice in their newfound “lurve”, but if they were not willing to accept them then they had no need for negativity! YUCK!
There were only a few things wrong with this “announcement” of true lurve, not to mention just the subject of the letter itself. Number one, Mr. Sparkles could not have written the email because it was written and sent so late at night that everyone who really knows Mr. Geriatric knew he was asleep at least two hours before the time stamp. Number Two, Schmoopie had a distinctive writing style and use of words so it was obvious she had composed the letter of confession. Number Three, and the most damning evidence, the letter was sent to everyone on his family email list. Okay right? WRONG! Two people on the list were deceased, a couple of others were divorced, there were nieces and nephews that had no clue what was going on and his Mother, who was deep in dementia by then, also got the letter!
Turns out it was a poor attempt by Schmoopie to cement our separation and divorce so we would look stupid if we reconciled. Also she wanted to get her foot in the door to the family, so the letter described her as good enough to be the second coming of Christ himself disguised as a short, fat, bleached blond bimbo! Who knew? What a great disguise!
Of course everyone saw through it and had a great laugh.

Lyn
Lyn
7 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

Roberta, what a piece of work that woman was!

Roberta
Roberta
7 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

She was a piece all right! A piece of ass, a piece of shit! Just pick one or all. She was a sneaky little snake. When she was done ruining my marriage she was done with “the lurve of her life!” YUCK! I had her pegged from the beginning when my Ex insisted I friend her on Facebook. She always left a bad taste in my mouth and I couldn’t put my finger on it exactly, but my senses told me she wasn’t what she presented herself to be and I was right! I couldn’t convince my Ex, he found out I was right the hard way!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

What Gilbert really meant by “til death do us part” with green-card Hubby was “Til the impending death of my best friend.”