Dear Chump Lady, What do I make of this “goodbye letter” from my ex?
Dear Chump Lady,
What do I make of this goodbye letter from my cheater ex?
It has been 7 months since since we said our goodbyes following D-Day #1. She left me to be with the affair partner. But she replied to my goodbye letter. I still cannot read it without crying. The letter starts with a quote she wrote to me BEFORE we got together. She and I were a gay couple who had to go against our church and our families to be together. We had to give up so much and fight so hard just to be together. We lived together for 4 years.
The letter goes like this:
“Hey…whatever happens…u can’t forget that I love you now…ks? U can’t. Cuz even if I’m wrong later, I’m being as honest as I can now…even if it feels like ur heart is smashed into ten thousand shards later, even if you think its all my fault, or if one or the other or both of us stop loving each other later in time…u cant forget that I love you now…cuz it’s history. Its already written. We cant lose history, ever.”
(Here is where I realized she never promise me a future, it was ALL laid out since the very beginning, but I guess I was already blinded by love).
maybe you’ll hate me in the future: “how can she do this to me?” maybe you hate me now. Maybe I’ll never get over my burden: “how could I have ended us?” maybe I wont ever forgive myself. Maybe it’ll take a longer time to heal than either of us expect. Maybe it’ll take shorter at the same time. Maybe we’ll be enemies. Maybe we’ll be best friends.
But I can’t deny. We can’t forget…That I’ll be forever grateful to you for being the first to show me love. You’ll always be my first. I’ll always be grateful for how it felt like you saved me from my life. I’ll always remember how you showed me how to be mature. How you showed me how I can trust. For being an amazing support and girlfriend. You gave me life. A life.
I’m so sorry for everything, but I am so grateful to you for everything. Thank you for believing me and believing in me. Thank you for accepting my sacrifice of church & family & life for me to be with you.
I’ll never forget when you first held me & I thought I’ve found something that I had been searching for my whole life.
Dont take this the wrong way, but I miss us. I miss our life. I guess things that are not will always be missed. We are at God’s mercy now. But I’m grateful. I had never been more grateful for anything he’d given me than him letting us be together these four years. I was and will continue to be so grateful.
Don’t forget I loved you. Don’t forget we’ll always be of Christ together.
I appreciate your birthday present, but I don’t think my tattoo is something I shouln’t be paying for myself. I hope you understand.
Maybe you’ll hate me in the future. Maybe you hate me now. Thats not bad. But neither of us will forget the love we had & I will never not be grateful.
Gratefully yours,
This is the end. This was the letter she wrote to me in response to a letter I wrote when she moved out. Yes, I was still doing the pick me dance (even offered to pay for her tattoo — a tattoo she was getting with the AP).
Btw, I have been following your posts for 6 months. I thank you because you gave me strength when I thought I didn’t have any. I am so much better now since I have been no contact since she moved out, but I’m still hunted by the memories, the betrayal, the pain, the anger and the letter. Please help me make sense of this crap.
Bea
Dear Bea,
I would put that letter through the patented Universal Bullshit Translator but it would just spit out this:
Cake, cake, cake! Yummy! Jesus! Cake!
You need some distance and more no contact (keep at it, girl!) to get perspective on this. That letter reads like it was written by a drunk 7th grader.
u can’t forget that I love you now…ks? U can’t. Cuz even if I’m wrong later, I’m being as honest as I can now
Huh?
Bea, people who love you don’t write in text-speak. Look, I know I’m ancient, and an editor. (Really despite my typos, I care, people!) I know I’m looking at this through a different generational lens. My own teenager responds to my loving missives “Be safe! Love you pumpkin muffin!” with “K.” A. Single. Letter.
I know he loves me (somewhere, deep down in his acne-pocked soul), but really what he’s trying to tell me in his text-speak succinctness is YOU MORTIFY ME, GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME, AND NEVER CALL ME PUMPKIN MUFFIN AGAIN.
Text-speak is the lowest form of communication. I can’t bother to write full sentences, that’s how much attention I’m paying to this.
What you have in that letter is badly constructed emotional vomit. The woman can’t bother to express coherent thoughts coherently because she doesn’t have any. So what you’re left with is a cipher, that you’re trying desperately to untangle.
I love you now…ks? (Question mark?)
Maybe we’ll be enemies. Maybe we’ll be best friends. (Who the fuck knows? But what’s important is that you’re focused on ME.)
Don’t forget I loved you. (Past tense. Direct contradiction to “I love you now.” Which, okay, she wrote you earlier, but then she tacked it on to this letter — WHY? To make you wonder.)
Bea, this is just mindfuckery. Stop trying to make sense of it. I’m sure some chump reading this will count how many times this cheater said “I” and “me” and “my.” The point is, she threw you a piss poor kibble (a letter! She wrote me a misspelled, incoherent letter!) with the intent of receiving MORE kibbles back from you. Longing, missing, friendship, burning hatred — it’s all KIBBLES.
I’ll never get over my burden: “how could I have ended us?” maybe I wont ever forgive myself. Maybe it’ll take a longer time to heal than either of us expect. Maybe it’ll take shorter at the same time. Maybe we’ll be enemies. Maybe we’ll be best friends.
How will she ever get over her “burden” of cheating on you? “Ended us”? She fucked around on you. But it sounds much more poetic and meaningful and devoid of shit-owning when you call it a “burden.” It’s the typical cheater speak of This Is Very Hard On Them. She so burdened, she got a new tattoo. She’s so burdened, she followed that sentence up with maybe it will take a shorter time to heal. Hey! I’m not that deep! Who knows?!
You are nothing in this letter except a satellite to HER, and her delusional grandiosity — her burdens, her sacrifices, her “gratitude.”
Newsflash — you don’t demonstrate gratitude to your girlfriend by fucking around on her behind her back.
Bea, quit buying into this shit. That you and she are star-crossed lovers and her betrayal of you is something Bigger Than You Both, portended in the stars. She’s a run-of-the-mill cheater. Okay, she’s a lesbian Jesus cheater, but Bea, she’s still an ordinary, banal, narcissist like all the others.
Don’t forget we’ll always be of Christ together.
Why does Jesus get stuck with this shit? Look, I sincerely doubt she has some holy union with Jesus, and she certainly doesn’t have any holy union with you. She dumped you for someone else, in the most disrespectful and humiliating manner. What’s Jesus got to do with it?
Oh, I know. When disordered people need to speak with authority (because they have no moral authenticity of their own), they invoke God. Well, God forgave me. God told me it was okay. God planned this all along. God had a plan and I’m just going along with it. God told me you’re a loser who should try harder to forgive me. God thinks you’re wrong and I’m right.
God, God, God. Next thing you know, you’re a fundamentalist asswipe gunning down Parisian cartoonists.
She’s a fraud, Bea. Godly people don’t cheat on you and then send you soppy, self-serving mindfuckery after the fact.
I’m sorry. It’s hard to realize you loved a fraud. Join the club.
My advice to you is continue no contact, block her from emailing you or calling you, save your love up for someone deserving of you — and go spend that money you were going to buy her a tattoo with, and get one for YOURSELF. Maybe one of Jesus with the inscription “Jesus loves me.” Because that wing nut ex-girlfriend of yours sure as hell does not.
Trust that she sucks, Bea.
So sorry Bea. Welcome to the club that no one wants to join….
AND……you don’t even have to pay to get into this club! (well you do pay in an indirect sort of way).
Thank you for welcoming to the club everyone! It’s definately a club nobody wants to join, but it also teaches us the biggest lessons.
Sorry, Bea, but your cheating ex has got to be one of the dumber folks I have ever heard.
That child is a fool.
Thank you Arnold for calling it like it is.
She lives in fairy land of no fucks given. don’t let your heart be dragged through that crap.
Oh, we’ve PAID!
Oh yes, we have PAID. We have paid a price that I think is too big for what we got in return ( worthless cheaters).
Chutes, Nicolette, and Bea…..this is exactly what I meant when I said that we paid in an indirect sort of way. I guess I just don’t have the greatest way with words! 🙂
IHaveHate, I know Thats what you meant. I was just going along with the comments. No worries! 🙂
yes we did!
Bea, she does suck. Just like all the other cheaters. My stbx is a serial adulterer who told me just yesterday that I am abusive because I filed for divorce.
You got an incoherent letter, I get tears. They’re all assholes. And they suck.
When I filed STBX called the divorce petition aggressive ,but I guess screwing around on your wife, lying, gaslighting, etc wasn’t.
Why do narcs just love to throw around the word “abusive”? They are some of the most abusive people I know. As soon as you retaliate and express justifiable anger against their innate shittiness, you are labelled as being abusive. Such jaw dropping projection. These narcs must feel they live in an “abusive” world, because sooner or later, most people who rotate in their immediate sphere, come to intensely hate them. They have no idea why – they’re just carrying on, doin’ their own thing – why is everyone so pissed off with them? They are the eternal victim.
Narcs see people how they are. I should know – 1/2 my family are narcs and I had kids with one. If they are abusive, you are abusive. If they are cheating, you are cheating. If they are unhappy, you are unhappy. And there is no point in arguing with them. Just run away – run far, far away!!!!
It is amazing how narcs cluster in families. I too, have a shit pile of these people in my family – father, brother, sister-in-law, first cousin, ex-husband. Is pathological narcissism caused by genetics, the environment, both? Who knows? I only know that I am dead tired of a life time of dealing with these disordered characters. I have learned through bitter experience, that the ONLY way to keep your sanity around these soul sucking people is to: Run Far Away. That has taken me decades to figure out.
Thank you for sharing your knowledge and experience. I gonna run as if I’m on a marathon!!!! 🙂
I concur that these people come in clusters….nut clusters!
I used to wonder could I be the only normal one here? Or perhaps I am the odd one? Like many above, it took a long time to figure it out but it isn’t me! If someone does things that are cold, selfish and dishonest without taking into consideration the impact on others-they probably are a Narc. If these people are close to them, even more so.
To think Bea, that this ex girlfriend is trying to reel you back in for some kibbles after all she did to break your heart that says it all. l did not read any remorse in that at all. And weird? I cracked up when CL said it sounded like it was written by a drunk 7th grader!
You sound like a nice lady who deserves someone capable of loving you back. Keep going & don’t look back please.
So true tflan386. Mine said I was emotionally abusive towards him…meaning getting angry after his cheating and physical abuse. That’s where they want to put the focus on; on your flaws, away from them.
A true friend and real love doesn’t minimize the hurt did to one’s friend, Bea. Cheating is a big deal and very hurtful. A true friemd would get that and be ashamed of what your partner wrote.
I’m sorry as well, Bea, but yes, she’s not special, she’s a run of the mill cheater who is trying to downplay your relationship. Fuck that. Fuck her. She doesn’t get to re-write what was — and you know what was. There was commitment, not “I love you until I’m distracted and find someone else.”
She wants to walk away as though she’s the noble and mature one where she’s anything but. She re-wrote the rules on you and that’s wrong. It’s time to stop trying to figure her out and trust that she sucks. Period.
Stop reading that letter. Don’t write her another one. Be as no contact as possible and as you recover from her, complain to us as much as you need to. Like the rest of us, Bea, it’s time to focus on your own mental and physical health and work on that picker.
xox
You are such a powerful voice, ML
Yes, indeed, she is.
And Bea–pay attention to ML’s last paragraph. Put that letter away for good. If you can’t bear to throw it away, seal it in an envelope and stick it in some big book you never look at. Or mail it to yourself and then file it with old electric bills. Better yet, burn it. And if you get the itch to write, do it on the computer and don’t send it. A year from now you might run across it and be very grateful you you didn’t mail it. Speaking from experience here….I put Jackass’s letters in a file next to “Tree Service” or something.
I would donate it to some remedial reading / writing class an example of pathetic writing skills.
Did this person communicate with a series of grunts and guttural clicks, by any chance?
Fuck, what gene pool produced this?
Haha that’s hilarious.
Arnold you are hilarious! I love this suggested use for the letter
I’m soo gonna follow your advice LovedAJackass. One of my friends already told me she will help me make a paper lantern so we can set it on fire and send it into space with all the bullshit letters attach to it.
I agree with Fred and LAJ, ML. You are a powerful and mighty voice!
Omg Moving Liquid, you couldnt have said it better ” There was commitment, not “I love you until I’m distracted and find someone else.”’ so true. I was 100% committed. I was even planning to propose to her this year since in California gay marriage is now allowed. But im glad I didn’t put a ring on it.
That’s the biggest bunch of stinky, word salad, makes-no-sense, stupid, bullshit I’ve read in a long time!!! She takes the prize from reigning Cheater Bullshit Champ, Rebekah Gordon, of Huffington Post fame, who thinks cheating makes people “real” and the wife from the marriage she broke up is a “third person in her relationship”. I NEVER, EVER, cease to be amazed by the bullshit some of these cheaters come up with!!! It’s jaw droppingly ridiculous. Bea, THANK GOD you are rid of this loser. She’s a world class idiot!!! Seriously! Jump for joy that you only lost four years to this hot mess of a loser! Get your head on straight and go find a sane partner! Someone who not only has some morals but is not fluent in mind fucking bullshit!
Christ, these cheaters all sound alike. Why in hell do they write like this?
I still think many are products of inbreeding.
Even the UBT is of no use, this shit is so Inane.
Yeah Arnold, the UBT probably would have gotten clogged with that utter BS! This letter needs the plunger to make sure it goes down!
My ExH once wrote in crayon on the back of an old envelope he found on the floor of his car, “I love you!!!” And left it under the windshield wiper of my car while I was at work. Seriously. That’s how hard he tried to woo me back. Was your note written in crayon, too, Bea?
Haha no, but it was written on drawing paper ( no lines) lol. So I guess is similar to yours. Crayons are use for coloring right? Maybe we can put the two together and use it for what is meant.
They are what children use to color. Which makes sense that he would use it! I think coloring your own masterpiece over her senseless drivel is a superb idea! I think cheaters want their communications to be vague. They can argue it means one thing to the recipient, but then argue it means something else to the injured party should they get caught.
MmmHmm—YES YES YES!!! I have never seen this addressed before but it occurred frequently with my fuckwad. My XBF would say that his messages meant something completely harmless –ie: it translated differently because he was NICARAGUAN! ‘I can’t wait to have you in my arms again’ meant he hoped he runs across that ‘old friend he was surprised to see at a business function’ again someday. He tried to tell me the phrase ‘I can’t wait to have you in my arms again’ is commonly used for platonically meaning “I hope I see you again someday”
Yeah, right, I might be stupid but I am not an idiot!
Hesatthecurb, you’re not stupid. The stupid are those assholes who think they can fool us forever. Please don’t internalize this.
And just for the record, it doesn’t matter where you’re from, “I can’t wait to have you in my arms again” means exactly what it says. That stupid asshole ex of yours can say whatever he wants but he ain’t fooling nobody.
Hold your head up high because just like me, you are better of without that asshole.
Hi Bea—I didn’t internalize any of that crap, believe me. I stood in his lying face and shot that shit down. Exactly as you said, I told him “I can’t wait to have you in my arms again’ means the same in every language.
His life is currently in the crapper and I couldn’t be happier for him. 😉
The only thing I saw in that letter was some long, drawn out drivel…random thoughts that possibly took her all of five minutes to put together. What was missing was genuine remorse for having hurt Bea like she did.
One of the things all cheaters have in common is image management. They throw something together that they think sounds good for the sole and express purpose of appearing like a nice guy/gal. Sincerity is something you just can’t fake.
Sorry Bea…..you’ll find strength here. I promise that some Tuesday down the road, it won’t hurt anymore.
” The only thing I saw in that letter was some long, drawn out drivel…random thoughts that possibly took her all of five minutes to put together. What was missing was genuine remorse for having hurt Bea like she did.” I agree with you 100%!!!
Thank you empathizing. I’m looking forward to Tuesday. 🙂
LOL. That is exactly what I thought.
Just so you know, my cheater, who had stopped going to church for most of our married life, who told me repeatedly he didn’t believe in God, sent an email the morning after D-day saying “Trust in the LORD with all thy heart; and lean not to thy own understanding… (Proverbs 3:5).” He also said we’d always “have our memories,” and we’d had some fun times (over 36 years and building a family together), but they were over. Also, he said “you must hate me, but I don’t hate you,” implying that I wasn’t being very forgiving for him cheating on and abandoning me. I mean, it’d been a week. Why wasn’t I over it yet?
It’s the kind of stuff all cheaters say, and I’m glad to know it’s just as confusing to other chumps as it was to me. Unfortunately they mix in words that stir up a chump’s Hopium addiction when we’re in the midst of the worst part of withdrawal. If we’re confused by Hopium, we’ll keep pining for our cheater instead of getting good and pissed off and kicking the addiction, which is what we really need to do.
Holy moly, Lyn, if these people don’t hate us, what would they do to us if they did? Just another admission that they are essentially free of normal human emotion. Other people aren’t even chess pieces; we’re like checkers to them.
“He also said we’d always “have our memories,” and we’d had some fun times (over 36 years and building a family together), but they were over.”
Lyn, my ex said almost the exact same thing. He stood staring at me with eyes filled with hatred, and said, “I’ll always have some good memories of our marriage, but now it’s just a business deal that’s ended.”
I got the whole it’s just a business deal line as well.
These people just pick the same old tired lines out of a hat or something.
I always thought my xh was a smart, well educated upstanding husband and father. A true gem.
But after BD I began to realize that he was none of those things, not even original in his cheating and lying. They are all so very text book.
Except for the odd pillow muncher, I think we all got the same old Dud.
I think Bea you need to let that letter go and just file it under crazy shit cheater’s say. It means nothing to you – it was written by her, for her and no thought of you is evident in it.
It was never about you!
Once again, proving Glad’s ex is in a class of his own.
My X said, “No matter what happens, you will always be the love of my life.” That pissed me off so much, I responded, No, you don’t get to be the love of my life. You blew that when you cheated on me!” He still tries to pull that crap, but I know it’s always all about him. And please do not get me started on the whole Jesus thing. I think someone here once said, “Jesus wants to know how you justify cheating on your spouse.” Poor Jesus, why does he have to take the blame for their crap?
I got the “I will always love you; you’ll never know how much”. To which I answered “You’ll never know how much either because that’s not love.” Then I added “I’m so glad you don’t hate me because I shudder to think what you’d do under those circumstances.”
One of the last conversations we ever had when I informed him we couldn’t be friends and I wouldn’t be his chump anymore, ever.
Cheatersuck, I’m so proud of you!!!! Good job for refusing to be his chump or his friend. We can’t befriend people who don’t match our values.
Let me translate that for you: I don’t want to be married to you anymore, but I’d still like you to do my taxes every year until I die.
GIO, I think that’s how they look at it. It wasn’t a sacred commitment, it was just a business deal.
JESUS, Glad! OUCH!! A business deal?? I’m so sorry! No soul in THAT guy!
My cheater also “found God” after his cheating was exposed… but would say the craziest things like “God works in mysterious ways” and told my daughter to “remember what you learned in church about forgiveness” (!!!!). He even started going to church after many years absence (didn’t last long). There has to be a special place in hell for these people.
Stay strong, Bea!
God doesn’t work in mysterious ways unless you’re trying to hide your sin from God. Normally God is right there, in good works, caring for the less fortunate, protecting the sanctity of the spirit. If you’re a cheater, then hey, it’s a mystery. They believe in the God that MAKES them do shitty things to good people. I believe in the God that gives us all the freewill to either make our life and our world better, or worse, depending on our OWN choices. There’s no mystery there.
I always get the visual of Lindsey Lohan walking out of jail holding a bible everytime I hear some BS from a Cheater and God. Is the Cheater God the same God as my God? Sure. God isn’t real thrilled with their sins though, he’s forgiving, sure, but he will make them answer for their ignorance, their deceptions, and their cowardice.
Scott, your comment is spot on!! 🙂
And not lastly, their lack of remorse.
Wow Scott, I couldn’t agree more with “They believe in the God that MAKES them do shitty things to good people. I believe in the God that gives us all the freewill to either make our life and our world better, or worse, depending on our OWN choices. There’s no mystery there.”
That’s so true. My ex said she really prayed to God so he wouldn’t allow her to Leave, but I reminded her of the free will. Is all BS with cheaters
my cheater STBX and OW took a Bible from my house…whaaa?
guess they needed to review the 10 commandments in case they missed breaking one or two of them
My serial cheater exH brought a Bible to our divorce. Put it on the table in front of him. I’m not sure what he thought it would do, perhaps impress the judge with his newfound piety? Didn’t work. The judge was more impressed with his dishonesty and lack of memory. Somehow he couldn’t remember what had happened to $60,000. So I guess my ex felt those pesky commandments shouldn’t apply to him. They did and they do.
Lyn,
What a hypocritical, condescending cheater. I would have been tempted to fire back some Biblical verses–something along the lines of not coveting thy neighbor’s wife. Of course, these cheaters try to find loopholes–‘She wasn’t my neighbor’s wife; she was my neighbor’s sister’ or some other garbage. Regarding ‘We have our memories,’ I would love to respond with, ‘Yes, we do, and the big, fat alimony check you will send me fortnightly will contribute to those memories.’ The ‘You must hate me, but I don’t hate you’ is a trigger for me. These narcs’ complete inability to reason and inability to understand how insulting and condescending they are (or perhaps desire to hurt us and others) still astonish me.) On first D-Day, in shock and leaning toward following the advice of the Reconciliation Industry Complex, I told my cheater that I thought it was important to forgive. Before I could open my mouth to grant him undeserved forgiveness, he said, ‘I forgive you.’ Talk about throwing pearls to swine. (In truth, swine are probably more grateful and smarter in many ways than these narcs.)
Bea,
Your ex is a mess. The phrase ‘couldn’t find her way out of a paper bag’ comes to mind. You deserve better, and I think that you will get that better life without her, the human bowling ball.
You haven’t heard of the New Christians? They pick out their.5 favorite commandments & jack the rest! Cheating goes against at least 3 commandments I can think of.
Rockstarwife, I thought the same thing! In fact, if he’d turned the page in his bible he’d have read Proverbs 5:18: “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth…”
Lyn, these cheaters who invoke God or Jesus to justify their crappy character need to be publicly humiliated. Bring back the stocks, or parade them through their hometowns with signs around their neck proclaiming their guilt the way the Chinese do with criminals. Cheater-shaming; it could catch on.
If these dopes think they can cheat and then justify their behavior through the words of Jesus Christ, they’re foolishly and stupidly daring Him to punish them.
Lets make it a law.
Fred……yes, lets!!
Tempest, they already have. It’s called Cheaterville. There’s another called Playerblock, too. You go and post on those sites, you can put pictures, emails, texts, all the proof that you’ve got, including personal details like height/weight/ethnicity—everything. And it comes up on any google search for that person’s name.
The only reason I would hesitate using Cheaterville—is that once that information is out there—it’s accessible to millions of people and there’s no way to scrub the internet of that information once it’s disseminated. You’ve got to be damn sure you’re willing to live with humiliating this person for all eternity.
But then, perhaps that’s exactly the cosmic karma bus that these idiots desperately need. If there is the possibility of having yourself splashed LEGALLY all over the internet, warts and all….they just might think twice.
Whoa, those are some powerful sites. I’d be content with just tattooing “Warning!! Toxic” on his forehead.
Falling back on God or Jesus is the ultimate cope out. Cheaters won’t own any of their crappy behavior. They lay it at the alter and all is forgiven.
Dear Bea- Don’t read that letter- shred it! New Year’s Eve (3 months since Divorce) I decided to ditch 7 years worth of ‘I Love You’ Birthday, Anniversary and, Xmas cards- in the shredder. I did the same to the poem he wrote me at the beginning of the relationship and other cutesy notes. Shred, shred. They were a false history which I never wanted to trick myself into reading again.
I also ignored the New Years Eve- ‘hope you’re well – love from me and the dog xx’ text ( like he was a friend instead of the husband who betrayed me). Number now blocked.
It’s all cheater narrative and it’s fiction.
Good for you Mikky!
I got a random happy birthday text from the ex back in September. A few weeks later I decided to block him from texts, phone and facetime because I actually received two facetime calls from his iPad (possibly in error, possibly because he’s a moron).
I leave email as the only mode of contact because we do have two children but they are both adults (27 and 24) so I figured that’s sufficient.I live with one and work with the other so he’s not going to tell me anything about them that I don’t already know.
Slowly but surely I’m ridding myself of anything and everything he’s ever given me. Best. Therapy. Ever!! His stupid last name will be the last to go.
Over the course of three months as Cheater was removing his possessions from our house (always while I was at work), I left things out for him to make sure he took them. One day I separated his cookbooks from “mine” (since he never cooked a meal in 16 years what was the point anyway?) and left a post it note saying, “don’t forget your cookbooks.” When I got home from work the cookbooks were at the bottom of the basement stairs, apparently thrown in a heap with the pages splayed out, the bindings broken. Later I asked him, why did you throw your cookbooks down the stairs, he said, “Do you have ANY fucking idea how it feels to have every single thing I ever gave you shoved back in my face!!??” uuuuhhhh….. hmmmmm…. “Yes I DO!” I said, that is what you are doing to me! He refused counseling and went off to OW’s house that very night of DDay, but the poor baby felt rejected by me making him take back his cookbooks. Narc much?
When my cheater moved out, he left his old shoes, socks, clothes, conference notebooks…pretty much all his garbage that he didn’t feel like putting in trash can. Yup, left cleanup for me….and didn’t mind mucking up the carpet on his way out. Good riddance.
Toddler.
reposting this, yes, toddler, baby, infant, whiner.
https://www.facebook.com/1468340390046638/photos/pb.1468340390046638.-2207520000.1421370867./1513987372148606/?type=1&theater
Hahaha for real
The name change was the BEST thing I have done since divorcing the sorry ass POS!!!
I had my name changed back to maiden name as part of divorce process. That way, it did not cost me any extra fee. There was no way I was going to keep my cheater’s name. Having my childhood name back makes me feel like my old self, like I got to start over again and make things right. Even if I one day remarry, I will NEVER change my name again.
Saddest part about the names, for me, is that my kids wanted to change their own last names. Ex and I were common-law (yay Quebec! He couldn’t touch my pension or retirement savings!), and we gave the kids just his last name. Between him and his even-worse father, the kids are disturbed by it.
By my last name is BORING and wouldn’t fit at all w/our daughter’s first name, especially, so they’ve decided to keep his. They figure, ‘it’s not the name’s fault!’
Same for me…maiden name is back…won’t change it even if I remarry a “Clooney” or “Zuckerberg”!!!
I did the same thing, too! Why would I want to be “branded” with the cheater’s name?
Here’s a question for everyone..
Last year, I checked of “divorced” on my tax records, because I divorced last year. This year, I’m checking off “single” and will do so until I’m dead. Not because I won’t have a relationship ever again, but because I will never give up my identity for another person ever again.
I did the same thing GIO. X was completely shocked when that got brought up during the whole thing. “B-but what about the kids?” Totally gobsmacked. “They have the name they were born with, I have the name I was born with.” Kids weren’t the least bit upset.
My son wants to change his last name to mine.
GIO,
I gladly paid to have my name changed on my birthday in 2013. I told my entire family including my sons if my husband ever cheated on me I would no longer carry his name as it would only hold shame for me.
Took over two years for the divorce to be finalized on Dec 31st …just got the notice in the mail. 2014 was the last year I was married to the liar. 2015 is looking better and better.
Oh yeah the name. Change of name deed with the solicitor now. That was top of my New Year resolutions.
Also I now have a ring of steel No Contact-No way through phone, social media, other people (home address- he doesn’t have). I recommend Melanie Tonia Evans hard line approach to No Contact with our NPD cheaters because they will keep trying to find a hole in your defences. If you’re going to get healed you have to keep the boundaries firmly closed.
Melanie Tonia Evans link http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/
I also saved every note and letter ex wrote me during our 20-year marriage, including the letter he gave when when he asked me (on bended knee) to marry him because he “wanted to be with me forever, grow old with me, have children with me.” I had a stack more than 12″ tall. After Dday, I threw all of it into the trash. Because that’s all it was, trash.
On the day I moved out of the house, I woke up to find a card from ex waiting for me on the table. Printed on the front of the card was, “I’ll always love you.” Inside, he’d written how strange and sad it was that I was moving out, how awful it would be for him to come home to an empty house, how he would always love me. I threw that into the trash before the moving truck arrived.
I’ve thrown out most of ex’s photos, only keeping a few of us as a family. I haven’t thrown out our wedding album yet, because it has great photos of my dad and my grandparents, all deceased now. But eventually, I’ll pull out those pictures and throw the rest of the album into the dumpster. In fact, that’s a great project for this weekend.
X keeps sending 8×10 framed photos of himself and our kids home with them from their visitation. The latest one shows three miserable teens standing next to their “father” with the pornstasche and fake hair on Christmas Eve. I was reminded of a Mary Tyler Moore episode when narcissistic Ted Baxter gave everyone who worked with him in the newsroom an 8×10 head shot of himself.
WTF?!!! Does he really expect these photos will be displayed in MY home?! Fucking delusional!!!!
It’s the moment you realize you are the appalled Lou Grant to the self-absorbed, chuckleheaded Ted Baxter in your life. Only this Ted isn’t at all funny. And you don’t have a fifth of whiskey in your lower right desk drawer (let alone the fixins for a Brandy Alexander). Sigh…
Love the Ted Baxter analogy. It’s perfect.
That’s really insane! He probably DOES think you’ll display them. My Ex has a large watercolor painting of himself at age 13 or so, barechested and with a head full of golden curls (he’s very proud of his blonde hair). On the night of D-Day I noticed it was missing from our house. He admitted he had given it to Schmoopie, because, he said “SHE liked it!” I always thought it was a display of vanity… it was. I hope it’s still hanging on her wall. And I’m so glad it’s gone from mine.
I’ve occasionally wondered what happened to the life-size cutout of himself leaping into the air in a typical cheerleader’s pose that ex had. It was in our living room during our marriage. Now that he’s homeless, Lord only knows where that thing is. It was definitely a conversation piece.
Speechless.
ChutesandL–I’m sure you can think of plenty of uses for those photos! If they contain your children, you could cut out a donkey head to place on X’s shoulders and then display one.
GIO, my ex and I met on Valentine’s day. After we separated and I was still in shock, I left a “last valentine” for him on the desk in our kitchen. I bought his favorite candy bar, and left a card with a heart felt note about how we should forgive each other. Later that night I got an email from him. It was a list of how he thought we should split up our assets. There was no mention of the card I’d left. He had absolutely no understanding of the depth of pain his unilateral decisions had caused me. I guess that’s just the way it goes in these types of endings. It was like he’d left our relationship years ago but didn’t tell me about it. Then he assumed I felt exactly the same way he did, like I wasn’t a separate person with feelings of my own.
Dear Lyn,
I can’t believe your ex even quoted the bible. Wow, this stupid assholes truly know how to mess up with our brains. Sorry you wasted so many years with that psycho ass.
“I guess that’s just the way it goes in these types of endings. It was like he’d left our relationship years ago but didn’t tell me about it.”
This is so true with all of them, they check out on us, way before we are even able to realize it. :/
Similar story here, Lyn. My X loves eggnog. I hate the stuff, but while we were married I loved buying it for him. I bought every variety I could find so he could “proclaim” which one was the best. The one he picked was one that wasn’t always easy to find.
After he was kicked out of the house (and naturally got an apartment with his undergrad AP – but I digress) I was a mess. The holidays crept up during the time I filed for divorce and the petition was entered by the courts (there was a backlog of cases/cuts to personnel in the court system here then) and lo and behold, eggnog was for sale again. The kind he like best was readily available, for once. I couldn’t resist buying it for him just one last time.
So I did, and I took a picture of it and texted it to him.
I got back, “Oh wow. Can I have a copy of my will?”
Needless to say, that was the last eggnog I bought him; NC is definitely the way to go.
I’m feeling like having a shredding party…
I’ve been advised to keep the wedding photos for my kids. I’ve deleted a lot of the digital pictures on the computer, mostly those of us as a “family’ from the last couple of years when we really weren’t a family but I just didn’t know it yet. I haven’t gone through the boxes and boxes of printed pictures yet. I’m not quite ready for that.
Nine months after D day, when our house sold and I had to pack things to move, I had a bottle of wine and a pair of scissors. I cut him out of every picture I could find out just the two of us together. I kept the family ones, because they are the kids memories and I don’t want to tarnish those. But as far as us as a couple, after all the serial cheating, lies, deceit, and seeing the total ass that he is now, nothing made me happier than to just literally cut him out of my life.
Good job! I hope one day I’m also able to get rid of all her ugly sorry ass pictures
What a narcissistic jerk, they never give up trying to control the narrative, do they? I realized pretty quickly, after six months or so of hopium induced confusion how my nice guy of 16 years could become a venon spewing robot in one second then the next second be crying, tears streaming down his face saying “there are so many good things between us, I don’t know where to begin..” when I chumpily asked him if there wasn’t one single solitary nice thing he could say about me. Then there was “You can deny everything, Muse, but you can’t deny my truth.” I thought there was only one truth, i.e. the facts in the reality based world… but no, you see, all of those tears and spinning were all to make him feel better. He didn’t give two shits about me. I haven’t burned anything yet as you did Glad, but I’m getting closer every day. 1.5 yrs from D-Day and surely don’t care… so, getting to Meh.
Here’s what I like best about your story, Muse: “… if there wasn’t one..thing he could say about ME [emphasis mine]” and ” ‘there are so many good things between US [emphasis mine’.” — Even a MINE can’t fail to include him for one single minute!
My XH was the same way, as if he was afraid saying anything nice about me would put the slightest tarnish on his glorious story of new love, new life, shiny shiny shiny — No, no, we must cast the ex-wife as a disordered depressed manipulative emasculator at ALL costs!
I never hated XH more than when he was exhibiting false remorse. All I could think, was “YOU DID THIS!!! Don’t sit there crying at me, as if this is something that happened to YOU!!” By not working on us for one solitary second, he left, then he wanted me to feel SORRY for him?? What. A. Dick.
(Sorry, I seem to be a little off-kilter today.)
NWB……please don’t be sorry. This seems to be me everyday! (off-kilter, ok, maybe just full of hate/anger at the treatment of me, as if I was the stripper ho he was fucking!)
I once asked for him to say something nice about me, just a compliment… he said I was forgiving, that’s what he loved about me. So glad I found this site.
Hahah..good one Nic. 🙂
Ex and I did Retrouvaille during bogus reconciliation. One assignment was to write a list of the things we loved best about each other. My list had 15 or more things on it, including, to my shame now, that he was not afraid to follow his dreams. When he handed me his list, all he had written was:
I can’t think of anything I like best about you, and that bothers me.
The worst part about it is that I didn’t tell him to fuck off and continue with the divorce right then and there. No, I stuck around for a few more months of abuse and insanity that steadily got worse.
Glad, our MC asked my cheater to tell him what he liked about me too. Cheater seemed confused then replied ‘she’s the most efficient person I know’. WTF? Thinking back on it, I always told him that he treated me like I was his assistant, meaning I was the good little chump who took care of everything for him which made him look good and better yet, normal.
Now hearing your similar story, I guess I should be happy that he came up with at least that one thing which is certainly better than the response you got. So sad.
He is repulsive, Glad.
Glad—just open mouth. That’s all the response I can muster.
GIO……..yours was a venomous fucker!
good lord, he was the King of Narcs!
Not off kilter at all in fact you snuffed out the core of his NPD. Witness these other ridiculous things said to me on DDay:
1 – “I left YOU, Muse, I didn’t leave US!” I thought typically the definition of “us” included me as well as him… puzzled over that one for awhile.
2 – “I was defending US, Muse, defending US against HER!!!” … too ludicrous to even parse….. fricking narc narc narc
Wow, anothe psycho Muse. Man, truly, they can’t make sense.
Variation on the theme: Before I knew about OW and was simply dealing with the bombshell of him wanting to leave the marriage without working to try to save it, I asked, “So, you don’t want to go to counseling?” “No.” — “You don’t want a trial separation, to see if this feeling passes?” “No.” — “So, you’re talking about Divorce, then.” “Whoa! I didn’t say anything ABOUT that!!”
Did I miss a class in other options? Was he thinking we would not divorce, just stay together and, what?, he could just do whatever he wanted and, after 16 years as a couple we would go back to being just roomies??
I need to go back and read the Narc books again. Sometimes I forget how incredibly self-centered he was. I even bought him a tshirt last Christmas that said, “Sorry, I’m Awesome” on it (huge letters, of course), because he clearly felt that way. To me, it was a bit of a dig or a joke, but he wore it. Oh yes he did.
Like your ex, he really didn’t understand why we couldn’t just move past all this unpleasantness and be chummy friends together. And THEN I found out about OW.
I asked “so what you wanted all along is an open marriage?” He says, “No, I don’t believe in that”.
He wanted the narc option…kibbles for him only.
Also, YES! something that happened to HIM!! mine also bailed the very night of DDAy refused counseling, said he was leaving for her… weeks later responding to one of my emails he said, “I am healing too.” I replied, “healing from WHAT? YOU DID this!!” “this is what you wanted.” it’s funny, looking back on it now. They truly do believe they are the victims
Tempest is right… it’s all about the Cake, right? frickin narcs. Mine also said (I was down on my knees begging him to stay with me, yeah I know) “No, Muse that would never work — I already ran The Sharing Idea by her and she won’t go for it!” Couldn’t believe my ears. It felt like an insane surreal nightmare but he actually meant it. Once the mask came off with his exposure by my finding the phone records, his mouth spewed the toxic Narc shit in his head.
Yes, NWB, he was thinking you could just stay together and he could do whatever he wanted.
My cheater actually left with all the family photos and the wedding album. Said he would return them as he was running for the door. It’s been over two years. I’ve seen a couple of pics on my older son’s facebook (his father sent them to him) but never got a photograph back.
Any pictures I had of him or our wedding that had been left on the mantel I shredded with our marriage certificate (that was funny…damn thing almost jammed in the shredder)
I am in possession of a box of mementos – all saved by him, actually – from our relationship. Cards and letters I wrote (he was never one to write cards or letters to me), tickets to things, like the first movie we went to together, etcetera. I haven’t tossed these things yet because I want to remember – to believe – that once upon a time he really did love me in a pure and honest way.
expat, I don’t know about your ex, but mine did love me in a pure and honest way, in the beginning. Right up until I wasn’t as good a kibble supply anymore. (Funny how treating a chump badly does eventually reduce the kibbles!) My kids and I have figured out that his love is like a coin w/only one side – take, take, take, no give. Even when he looked like he was giving, it was only if extremely convenient and low-effort for him, and it made him look good. No substance. So, pure and honest one-sided love, with no substance. I don’t need ANY mementos of that.
“His” momentos, in your posession? Um…? I shoved all the letters and crap that I’d written to him into a box and gave it all to him when he came to collect his other shit. My bet is he’s never even looked at it after 2 and a half years and doesn’t know it’s there. But it was kind of creepy to come across it after 18 years together. I had no idea he had it all, and ther it was sitting on top of everything in his drawer. Very strnge
Oh hell no!! I tore all the letters, cards that I gave him over the years and threw them in the trash! He didn’t and doesn’t deserve to have any of it, because I gave him those cards etc. when I believed what we had was real and it wasn’t. It was all a big fat lie! If I knew the truth, I would’ve never gave him those things let alone myself to him.
Nat, think about it, why suddenly it was sitting on top of everything in his drawer? specially when you had no idea over the years he had it all. He was still trying to play you, its that simple…
I like the shredding suggestion. Chump Nation could make a lot of cheater confetti.
Yeah and then it went into the recycling bin to be taken far, far away…..
Bonfire or chumpfetti?
I got a box of that crap saved for the right moment. I am leaning towards bonfire – I kinda like a good funeral pyre.
I vote for shred, THEN burn! A Chumpetti bonfire! That’d burn real pretty!
I’m down for a Chumpetti bonfire, we can even make marshmallows so we can sweetly enjoy getting rid of the mindfuckery…
Shortly after my D-day I found some items my ex had left at the house. Yes I burned that crap and it felt good! I also texted him a picture of it.
There is still a black spot in my driveway from that adventure, 5 years ago. I still giggle when I see it.
Chumpfetti 😀
▲▲▲ This…….
Bonfires are even more festive!
I had a bonfire on New Years — burned any remaining stuff I found (purging the house one final time), including our marriage license. The divorce decree, however, are my liberation papers, so I’m keeping those.
Every so often, probably when her ap dumps her again, i get the same sort of convoluted drivel from my ex. Its a process bea, for sure, but after 2 years i can read her infrequent notes and see the crazy in every word. And no, i dont answer them. I just shake my head in amazement and move forward.
Bea, when you read up on narcissism, you will learn about something people call “hoovering,” when a narcissist circles (oozes?) back into your life because kibbles are running short. And of course, cake. When your ex makes a contact like this, it’s setting you up for later hoovering. Sometimes that involves writing notes, emails, etc. But some narcissists will do things like writing letters to the editor (trust me, nothing profound) to get themselves out there more publicly and hope you “see” it. I’m sure many people use FB this way, but older narcs still like to see their name in the paper. So be aware of attempts your ex might make to get your attention focused back on her. Once I learned about hoover (like the vacuum), it explained why my long, long “friendship” with Jackass had short bursts of contact, followed by disappearance, followed by a letter or letter in the paper if he had relocated, divorced, etc. None of that mattered much to me when I had other commitments but once I was free to have a “relationship” with him, I saw that the pattern was all about his inability to sustain a relationship. Once you learn about narcissists, so much will make sense to you.
Oh yeah, if that asshole makes an attempt to gain my attention back, I’ll have my radar glasses on. She ain’t getting my attention anymore. Like you said, she is a narcissist.
Well, your ex did a great job of trying to make things look complicated didn’t she? Rest assured there is nothing deep, profound or poetic in any of this; it’s garbage. Please don’t get caught up in thinking there’s more to the story. Her actions, especially considering how “appreciative” she is, really tell the whole story.
I respectfully disagree with Mikky about shredding everything. I found that going through the texts and letters my spouse wrote to me, and other women saved me from my own delusions that he’d somehow changed… or that I’d somehow dramatized the whole thing. I’m glad you’ve moved past divorce Mikky! I’m still on the edge… waiting for some official business to close before I file. I plan on having an intimate bonfire with close friends soon after, not that there’s anything wrong with a good ol’ shredding.
That’s why I kept the letters. I don’t have children or other tangible “proofs of affection,” as they quaintly used to call kids. But if I ever run across the letters again in my files, I will just see how easy it is for some people to lie and lie and lie and lie.
I am doing the same, ItsAJourney. I am keeping all of the emails from stbxh in a special folder in my inbox. Once in a while I still need to be reminded that he sucks and those deranged word salad emails do the trick! Someday when I am completely at meh maybe I will hit the delete button!
Hi itsAJourney- well it’s a timing thing. It took me a while to realise that the cards represented crumbs of affection from a husband who was frequently being abusive, emotionally and financially at these ‘special. times. Keeping and rereading them was simply buying into the fairy tale that he had cared deeply once. I don’t think he did/could (no untangling of fuckupedness here) so I had to let the fairy tale go and grieve it.
Wow…Bea…Just wow!!! I am always amazed at cheater writing. Cheaters never makes sense and are always contradictory, self serving, and manipulative! Internalize this: THIS LETTER IS TYPICAL CHEATER DRIVEL! They all say the same thing! Here is my advice, grab a bottle of wine (or whatever you celebrate with) build a fire and BURN that shit! The go completely NO CONTACT! You have no idea how much happier you will be in a few months! You deserve better than this and now you a free from her to go get it!
“God, God, God. Next thing you know, you’re a fundamentalist asswipe gunning down Parisian cartoonists.” I love you Chump Lady!! Will you marry me 🙂 This was freaking awesome. First thing I thought when I started reading this is “how old is this person?”. This is so poorly written syntax it’s that it’s laughable. Dear Bea, how did you keep from laughing at this letter let alone cry over it? Seriously if you’re asking for advice: SHRED IT!
^^^^This!^^^^^
Wow, I got the ‘I miss us’ comment too, blah, blah, blah. It’s all about them, and so very self serving. As in: Please, I want to feel better about my crappy behavior. So please make me feel better, please, please.
As others have said, shred it. It’s an emotional minefield. Do your grieving, and move forward. Hard stuff, but doable.
Bea,
That was such a manipulative letter, I was getting angry reading it. Everything in it was designed to keep you on the backburner, as CL said, “Cake, cake, cake, yummy!, Jesus, cake.” Every time I hear Jesus/God being invoked in these situations I picture them going, “No, no. Please leave me out of this.”
She wants to go off into the sunset with her Twu Luv Schmoopie, but wants you to stay behind, her ever devoted servant, remembering all the good times, remembering her well, and hoping that one day she will return. The thing she absolutely does not want is for you to forget all about her and/or meet someone else.
Yes, as CL said, there is a crazy amount of “I/me” from her in there, but just as much in there is telling you (another word for that is ordering) that you cannot forget she loved you/you loved her. At least 5 instances that I just went back and counted, and a few more that were basically saying the same thing. And it’s directed at YOU. Not her. I think she may have said we can’t forget once (which is still in its way directed at you.) For all her I’s, it was never “I won’t forget that you loved me,” “I won’t forget I loved you.”
The one time, in fact, that she does bring up “I won’t forget” involves how you made HER feel. I just went back and looked again, when she does bring up anything that she will remember or be grateful for, it again, involves how you made HER feel.
All of this to say, do the exact opposite of what she wants. Forget her. Jettison her from the book of memory. Go on and have a long happy life, and let her become that chick you were dating back in 2011.
‘The thing she absolutely does not want is for you to forget all about her and/or meet someone else.’
Kira, this is how I understood Bea’s cheater letter too. It was written to confuse her – to say goodbye, but let her know that there could be hope in the future. In other words, it was worded to keep the door open in case she needs to return some day.
It’s cheater speak no matter how you slice it. Bea, please try not to decipher it any more cause no sane person can.
Byebyecheater, thank you for validating my feelings. I’m definately going to stop trying to figure this one out. I’m freaking DONE. now that I posted it here, and you all have confirmed that she SUCKS, I don’t need anything else.
Sometimes we just need a kick up the pants to validate that we’re doing the right thing (Not like narcissists, which need constant validation even about the air they breathe) and it seems you got that. 🙂
Yes, thank you, I got it. And if I’m feeling down, I can just come and re-read all these awesome comments!
Good point on the ordering. That’s exactly what that is.
Yes CL, Kira’s comment was brilliant. 🙂
Yes, and as a devoted grammarian and pronoun counter, I note that grammatically sentences like “Don’t forget I loved you” are indeed “commands” in structure while the thing Bea is not supposed to forget (“I loved you”) put her in a double object space–The whole phrase is what she is supposed to not forget but the subject of the phrase is “I”. Then we have this gem of indefinite pronoun use: I’m so sorry for everything, but I am so grateful to you for everything. Two different “every things” here– the first one is used to avoid specificity and blame or responsibility for WHAT SHE DID, the second to avoid specificity about Bea’s commitment. This neat semantic trick makes Cheaterpants’s actions of betrayal essentially the same as Bea’s acts of love and commitment.
I may be a pronoun counter :), but cheaters should all put their mindfuckery into writing. Once you get past the word salad, the underlying entitlement is easy to see. And what in my biz we call close reading (and we know here at the UBT) is well worth the effort.
But “Cake, cake, cake! Yummy! Jesus! Cake!”? Brilliant. Just brilliant.
Wow, this is brilliant LovedAJackass: ” Then we have this gem of indefinite pronoun use: I’m so sorry for everything, but I am so grateful to you for everything. Two different “every things” here– the first one is used to avoid specificity and blame or responsibility for WHAT SHE DID, the second to avoid specificity about Bea’s commitment. This neat semantic trick makes Cheaterpants’s actions of betrayal essentially the same as Bea’s acts of love and commitment.” I never thought of it this way but it’s true, she essentially compare me to her and I’m the first one to say that my pure love and true commitment are not meant for cheater nuts like her.
Love the grammar analysis and word dissection. Thought I was the only one.
One of my sons, who’s a computer programmer, created a program that counted the “I” and “me” statements in my Ex’s letters and emails…. the results were astounding.
Hahaha…tell your son we all need that program. Lol
“Every time I hear Jesus/God being invoked in these situations I picture them going, “No, no. Please leave me out of this.””
hahahahahahahhahahaha … Yes!
Burn it! She’s a tremendous fraud, best pushed out of your mind. I agree with CL…it’s total bullshit. And she should leave Jesus out of it–this is not “Christ-like” behavior in the least. It’s pure narcissim.
CL, I love the reference to yummy Jesus cake…..My EX was a “big-wig, elder, teacher” in our church…….I got the whole,” Jesus forgives me, this is His plan, you should love the OW just like Jesus loves us:”…..HOLY CRAP IS WHAT i SAY!!! Yes, the all mighty power of “prayer”….the mind set that if you “pray ” about something, then it is all ok. Wake up, people, the Bible/God has already TOLD us that adultery is wrong, so there is no need to pray ….if only to cover yourself with His blood so that you don’t have to look at YOURSELF. At one point, my “christian” husband even told me that he was literally going to die if he stayed with me. No, I don’t think so….it was the lies, deceit , and guilt that you were experiencing, (maybe the Holy Spirit speaking to you??????)
Don’t we all love “break-up letters…….my ex left his on the desk when he “went to the store”…..so much more mature than having an honest, adult conversation…..and this after being married for almost 40 years!!!!!!
Yes, Bea, so sorry and welcome to the club that no one wants to join……as the former poster said……arms are open for you…..
Karan, You received the break up letter and I received the break up text telling me “I have been taking care of everyone else. My feelings haven’t changed and I want to end this maturely and fairly.” Uhhhh…maturely….sending a text to end our 13 year relationship? Narcs are just so self-consumed, full of self-pity and have a great knack for martyrdom.
Bea, early in our relationship cheater gave the most thoughtful gifts. He knew I loved the 1964 VW Microbus camper I had as a young adult, and he tracked down a very expensive Lego set of it. After the devaluing and cheating started, I got generic candles, ugly pjs and WalMart Gifts,
On D-Day I dropped that Lego van into a huge garbage can. The smashing of the bricks was the most satisfying righteous anger I’ve ever felt. It hurt no one, and took my hurt away.
What I’m saying is, these stinky toe jam and Lysol words don’t mean a thing. We have to judge by actions. Cheater is mourning the loss of cake. Don’t be ashamed that you loved honestly and can’t immediately jettison feelings and people the way she can. But make a list of her words and a list of her actions and see the mismatch. You won’t want to hear her words any more.
These all sound like douchebag-of-the-year acceptance speeches. And just think, people this stupid are licensed drivers.
UEB,
” and just think people this stupid are licensed to drive”
I type this as I sit in clinic with our youngest and the self forgiven Jesus cheater.
Looked at him after reading this and thought yep that sums it up.
Thankful – thanks for the laugh! I can just picture the look of disdain on your face!
And can vote.
Excellent point. It may explain the senate.
HAHAHA!
Bea, I agree, shred that letter. It’s not heartfelt or apologetic! All you do is touture yourself by reading it. Betrayal is a bitter pill, the mindfuck just intensifies it. Stay Strong! Big Hugs!
Hi Bea, please don’t let this awful attempt at a poetic goodbye drag your heart down or move you. And I agree with you, the quote from your beginnings was clearly telling you who she was, and it’s OK that you were blinded by love 4 years ago. It’s very good that you can see it now. We all learn that lesson “When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time”.
She dashed off something she thought was poetic and would touch you. Dishonest people always know your soft parts. My summary of your ex’s letter is: “I love you, I don’t love you”, “I miss you, I don’t miss you”. However, “YOU must miss me, YOU must love me” and of course, “It’s NOT my fault”. The whole grateful thing boils down to: “I am so grateful for what YOU did for me and I want YOU to keep doing it (I’ve moved on but you never know)”.
This is the kind of thing designed to keep you hoping in case the person wants to suck you back in. CL is correct, no contact. I’m so glad you didn’t waste more years with this woman. You don’t say, is she your first love too? I know that’s harder to let go of, the next love will be better, trust me.
Jedi Hugs!
I agree….the letter was nothing more than a bone she threw on the off chance that Bea can be of use to her again someday.
It’s a typical cheater tactic.
I can reassure you I won’t let her use me again, EVER!!! You all have opened my eyes once and for all. 🙂
Nice translation. 🙂
Bea– I’m so sorry you’ve had to joint our club…but on the plus side, we’re awesome! It must be especially hard to have been cheated on when you were in a couple who felt it was ‘us against the world’. Now what?
Now it’s you, and figuring out how not to get sucked into a vortex of that kind of person again. you’ll get over ms. Jesus-cheater-pants. It hurts, it takes time, but there is a lot of wisdom and support around her on just how to most past these folks and damage they do to us, and, yah, thrive.
My Ex still says that breaking up our marriage (which he did in the most cruel and humiliating way, lying to most of my friends along the way …like most of the folks here, my story is both unique and very common. You know, happy families are alike, every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way (yes, Tolstoy, apparently this is called the Ana Karenina principle…except! cheaters all say more or less the same shit.)
So what you look at are actions. My ex may say (in a very self pitying way) how badly hurt HE is by his damage…but he did, and continues to do the same shit. He lives with a woman married to somebody else….
Focus on the actions, no the words, go no contact, and focus on what you need…I bet it’s been a while since you’ve taken good care of your own self. time to start. Good luck!
Wish I was a better typist…could spell, close parentheses, and so forth. Communication!
“Only connect”, right? Jeeze I’m feeling literary today.
Bea, we are with you–it’s amazing how much support you’ll find here, from people you may never meet. But we are legion, and we are mighty….and we really do help each other (bless ChumpLady for starting and maintaining this site.) It helps, so much, please come back.
Yes, namedforvera, bless CL!!! She is amazing for creating this site. And I’m definitely staying. 🙂
I would just add (which I forgot to in my reply) that sunk costs do NOT equal significance.
You went against your church and family to be in a relationship with her, presumably because you’re gay. Okay, well, it’s probably time to shop for a new church, and it’s high time your family knows you’re gay. (Direct them to PFLAG.) You were growing in new ways, she was a part of that, but hey, just because you fought for acceptance, doesn’t mean she has to be the love of your eternal life.
She’s a jerk who cheated on you.
We all have sunk costs and sacrifices in our relationship. What’s horrible about all cheaters is that they do not value those things. It’s entitlement. She uses pretty words to say she cared about your history, but her actions tell a very different story.
Always listen to the actions.
Bea, listen to CL and direct your family to PFLAG. My son is gay and when he came out to his father and me, we were completely lost but our love for our son was too powerful not to accept him. He is our son and the only one we want. We live in Australia and I searched around for assistance and got none, with everyone including our family doctor stating that out son was confused. However, PFLAG helped us so much and it will help your family also. I sincerely hope it works out well for you.
Just to add, besides accepting our son we also supported him and continue to do so to this day and forever.
As I read the letter, my overwhelming impression was that it was alcohol fueled. Don’t know if the ex is a drinker, but she sure writes like someone who has had a few too many. But regardless, Bea, you don’t need that shit. That letter was emotional vomit, spewed all over you because it made your ex feel good about HERSELF, not because she cares about YOU. If she cared about you, she wouldn’t have dumped you for some other woman — some other woman who undoubtedly will be the recipient of a similar word salad letter in a couple of years.
I’m sorry, Bea. It sucks to be a chump. But I promise you, if you throw that letter in the trash, block that ex in every way possible, and move on with your life — keeping the focus on yourself — you’ll eventually reach meh and won’t give a fuck what your ex meant or is doing. There’s a better woman out there for you, one who doesn’t cheat. Hold out for her.
Bea……the letter is all about HER! Her letter to you is just a way for her to feel better about her shitty behavior and poor choices. In love, out of love, either way you don’t treat people this way. For God’s sake (pun intended) we are all human and have feelings!!!! Jeesh!
My exhusband upon his departure (me insisting it was over and to get the hell out) he left a sweatshirt on our bed with a rip in it and seriously asked me to sew it for him!!!!! That was my “letter”!!!! Like I would be falling all over myself to darn it for him!!! Nut jobs! They are all the same. ME ME ME!!!! Oh….and more ME!!!!
Lol kimmy! My STBX and I are 1 1/2 years out from DDay and I’m currently trying to work through our separation agreement to split our stuff up as agreed. Has he lifted a finger to help me? No, of course not. He never helped during the marriage so why would I expect it now. I emailed him the car insurance bill about a week ago and he simply replied ‘your name should be taken off this policy.’ Uh, yes it should but until he retitles the car in his name, it can’t come off. I read that as him implying that I should be handling that for him too. What an idiot. Good news is that I’m getting closer to Meh so I simply replied ‘that should happen as a part of your refinance/re-titling to your name only. By the way, where do you stand with that process?’ Of course, I didn’t get a response from him. As you said, nut job, ME, ME!
My ex left all his books and old clothes and CDs here, I packed them and stored them after a year of asking him to come get them (considered just trashing them, but decided my best bet was not pissing him off too much as long as he’s paying so much more child support than he’s obliged 😉 ). I was the one who found him an apartment, took him over to sign the lease (since he wasn’t doing anything about finding a place to live, despite insisting he would be the one to move out). I sorted out our bank accounts and bills, figured out our financial arrangements, worked out his visitation with our young teens. I told all our friends and family (including his) what was happening. AND, he really really really did think I was going to keep doing his taxes in perpetuity!!!!!! He’d been incredibly entitled before the separation, but he ramped it up SO much, it was truly impressive. Sure helped me trust that he sucked, though.
“No man’s (or woman’s) heart aches forever.” -Captain Homer Jackson, Ripper Street (BBC)
Best line I’ve heard in a long damn time. And you know what chumps, it’s true!
Bea — NO HEART ACHES FOREVER. Remember that. You will move past this. You will.
Bea, as an older lesbian chump, I understand the extra intensity that being outside of what the mainstream can add to your breakup-you don’t always have all the support that others might or might not count on. Other than that, there is no difference in the experience. I’ve learned so much and gained strength from reading the experiences and comments of the contributors on this site. I was chumped more than once and you know what?
I learned, like many in this awesome group, to dump ’em and run–run to your new life and all the possibilities you will now have in front of you–you’re wiser now. You’ve done so much already that is helping you to move on, including benefitting from the collective wisdom of those in this club. I agree with GladIt’sOver —you’re going to reach meh–you’re going to move on to someone who doesn’t cheat.
Bea-
White, black, gay, straight, male, female….cheaters are literally all the same. They read from the same handbook. They are not unique or special. They all lack character.
That’s really all you need to know. No contact is a thing of beauty but sometimes it takes practice-practice makes perfect. Shred, burn or torpedo that letter. Whatever it takes to get it out of your life. Grieve, feel the feelings and eventually you’ll have enough going on in your new, cheater free life that you won’t care what she’s doing anymore.
We’re here, we’re mighty and you are one of us now. So sorry but this will get better.
Isn’t it remarkable how similar the cheater stories here are, regardless of the cheater’s age, race, sexual preference, gender, country?
Oh wow, both of you are so right. They ALL suck and they ALL lack integrity, and originality.
Kinda makes sense that they’re all the same though – they’re all completely devoid of morals.
Remarkable and incredibly sad GIO!
They’re all the same…. run, Bea, run. It is painful but you will be so much better off without this narcissistic jerk.
Jackass’s famous parting words? “I am not like all the other men you’ve known.”
Absolutely correct. He was worse. They weren’t cheaters.
LOL, what a jackass. How about, “I was a twisted person when you met me, Muse, and I’m still a twisted person.” Would like to put these sayings on a T-shirt for them like GladItsOver did.
A rare moment of cheater insight. Once Jackass said, “I’m an asshole.” No argument from us.
“Don’t forget we’ll always be of Christ together.
Why does Jesus get stuck with this shit? ”
LOL!! Love this CL! So true. My X, who stopped going to Mass many years ago, during the height of his pussy-hunting, is now telling me I’m being fake about the hole religion thing! ( He’s currently bringing his altest OW to a new church with him, LOL) Really?!? I converted, he left. But he thinks he never left, Hell, now he’s saying we didn’t even technically have a marriage before God because of church clerical error. WTF?!? Loser.
I agree, Jesus gets stuck with these freaks unfortunately.
Cheaters are Jesus’ lepers of the modern day.
Let’s not defame lepers. I’d rather hang out in a leper colony than a cheater colony. 🙂
yeah–‘cept, didn’t Jesus cure the lepers? And, also…he chose to be with the lepers, right–they didn’t hurl themselves all over him, saying, “look! there’s nothing wrong with me!! I’m with Jesus here.!! You can trust me, honest!!”
DM can step in with the knowledge, but I’ll kind of bet Jesus would so totally not have been down with that behavior… (using him as a smokescreen, that is…) 😉
Bea, I’m gonna apologize up front, because I truly am sorry for your pain. Your ex sounds like a real piece of work. Cake. It’s all about Cake.
But, to the rest of CN, I have to say the first thing that came to mind, even when I read the title in my email inbox this morning, “What do you make of this letter?,” I immediately thought of the scene from that old comedy movie “Airplane!” (talk about ancient, CL, having to qualify a reference to “Airplane!”? … AARP, here I come):
“Johnny, what do you make of this?”
“This?? Oh, I could make a HAT! … or a BROOCH!… or a PTERODACTYL…” [Look up the link on YouTube.]
… which is exactly what you should do, Bea. That’s all it’s worth. Some of this stuff is so ridiculous, if we don’t laugh about it, we will surely cry. And some days, I feel like I’ve done enough crying for a lifetime.
NWBiblio – I LOVED that movie – he was my favorite character! Guess we can go to the AARP meetings together.
Sign me up for the AARP too then! “Surely you must be joking! I’m not joking and stop calling me Shirley!”
CL, thank you for responding to this letter. Iove all your advice, especially when you said I should get a tattoo for myself “Maybe one of Jesus with the inscription “Jesus loves me.”‘
I need to trust that she sucks and that’s it. I’m indeed not planning on contacting her or responding to her letter ever.
Btw… I failed to mention that she left me for a guy (in fact, I was her first female partner and while we were together she swear she didn’t like guys anymore). And she admitted having cheated on at least 4 of her ex-boyfriends ( so yeah, that should have been a red flag also).
Oh and its awesome you replied today on the 15th because today is her anniversary day with the AP and I know I shouldn’t keep track of their anniversary, but I’m still training my brain to forget about this date. Meanwhile, today I’m gonna trust that she sucks!
Bea
Dear Bea, don’t let the “left you for a guy” mess with your head at all. I am the mother of a beautiful, intelligent gay daughter who has had her heart broken two or three times by women who were experimenting with the idea of bisexuality or being lesbian by having a ‘relationship’ with my daughter. I get so angry when I think of these shallow narcissists experimenting with my daughter with her pure heart, who is still seeking her lifetime companion. Sending you special hugs tonight! You deserve someone who loves you for you, and for who you are.. not to be someone’s experiment!
LMAO…priceless!!! Hilarious indeed. 🙂
Awww… Thank you TheMuse..and I’m sorry to hear about your daughter having her heart broken by lunatics. Don’t worry, she will also find happiness in the end. The companion she is looking for is waiting for her somewhere special. Btw, you’re an awesome mother! Thank you for accepting your daughter for who she is. 🙂 setting an example for all gay mothers who reject their children for being gay.
Bea, she really sucks.
First, even if she’s bi, there’s no excuse for cheating in a monogamous relationship. Second, she is definitely a wing-nut. Her incoherent word salad message is all about her attempts to make HER feel better. Instead of breaking up with you cleanly, she sends you this piece of drivel, purportedly to make you feel as if she sees you as special, when it’s really all about making her feel good about being an asshole. It’s okay for her to treat you like crap because you two really had a special connection and you were her first.
Spare me.
Others have decoded the note. Datdamwuf nails it. Shredding is a good idea.
You deserve a better woman, and thank goodness there are fine women around!
It may be helpful for you to get some therapy. It sounds as if your family and community have real issues with homosexuality. While I think PFLAG is a great organization, and very helpful for your family, I think that therapy might help you sort out the issues that will arise from growing up lesbian in a community that wants you to repress who you are. Your picker may be a bit skewed.
So, shred the letter, dust the sand off your feet, and start the road to a newer, better, cheater-free life!
“Instead of breaking up with you cleanly, she sends you this piece of drivel, purportedly to make you feel as if she sees you as special, when it’s really all about making her feel good about being an asshole. It’s okay for her to treat you like crap because you two really had a special connection and you were her first” wow, you nailed it here kb, thank you.
I am in therapy at my school. And if has definately helped. And my family has come around since I first came out to them 4 years ago. They have shown an amazing support for me since my cheater ex dumped me, actually, I dumped her, but it doesn’t matter.
Sorry you have to go through this Bea! Don’t let the guy thing mess with you, doesn’t really matter. Jedi Hugs!
Thanks Datdanwuf. You’re right, it doesn’t freaking matter if she left me for a guy or a girl, cheating is cheating and that’s NOT ACCEPTABLE TO ME!!! It’s an insult to my upbringings.
Awww, thank you Datdamwuf! I appreciate your words.
I think she wrote a lot, but said nothing.
My STBX was always mad because and I quote “he hated feeling like the bad guy all the time”! Really? well, you are the one that cheated on me, had secret email accounts, secret cell phones, bought the OW presents, took her to breakfast, lunch and dinner, meet her in the parking lot for a BJ, professed your love for each other, left your family for her. But, why on earth would you feel like the bad guy! Clearly you are the victim here. Fucktard!
My ex would say ‘I always feel like a bad husband’ or ‘you make me feel like I’m a bad father’. Chump that I was, I would rush in to carefully explain how that wasn’t what I was saying (because it wasn’t!), smooth his feathers, etc. Didn’t see that this was totally manipulative. Should have just said; ‘you’re acting like a bad husband/father. Are you going to do something about it?’ But I guess that’s not how chumps think, until they awake from Chumpdom.
And even last year, when he repeatedly asked me why the kids won’t see him, and I explained how they’ve reacted to the many choices he’s made that did not consider them in any way, he’d later complain ‘oh, you’re so self-righteous, you just tell me I deserve to be treated this way!’. Haven’t said that, actually, but actually, it’s TRUE! Funny how they never think of THAT possibility!
OMG! That was/is my STBXW’s perennial complaint — “Why am I always the bad guy?” Um … because of your actions?
My serial cheater told me when he moved out, “I’m REALLY a nice guy…you’ll see”. What? Oh, he must mean the nice guy facade….not sure where the “really” comes from.
I’m sorry but I have to ask… were you dating a Middle School student?
GreenGirl, hahaha…sounds like it, doesn’t it? I wasn’t, but I might as well should have. She truly didn’t behave like her age. We are both 28, but when it come to maturity I’m leaps ahead of her for sure. I believe in open communication, loyalty, honesty, and commitment, things that apparantly my ex doesn’t know the definition of. Very sad I felt for her.
I teach high school. I have seen really immature break ups. Many times I find cheaters are acting like some of the immature students – spreading rumors, blame shift, being self-centered, etc. Teenagers are like that and teachers need to both be understanding and help the students become responsible adults. I can, however, say that I have not seen a letter like this before, not even from the Freshmen.
I think that in a past post people in the comments discovered that cheaters = 12 year old girls. This reinforces that.
Hahaha..don’t you find it ironic she said I taugh her how to be mature??? A mature person cuts it clean.