I’ve read through all your archives and can’t quite find a situation like mine, and I don’t know what to do.
I started dating my partner about a year ago. He has an ex whom he had dated for about 2 years, and they had broken up about 2 years before we started dating but they continued hooking up until our relationship began. He told me a couple months into our relationship that he had slept with his ex after our first date, but we weren’t yet exclusive at that point, so although I didn’t like it, it wasn’t difficult to move on from that because it wasn’t necessarily breaking any established boundaries.
At some point a few months into exclusively dating, I asked him if he had any nudes from his ex still, and I clarified that I would be uncomfortable with that if he did. He denied it and we moved on.
Fast forward to a year of dating and moving in together — he tells me that a few days ago, he sexted with his ex. He said that he reached out to her and they exchanged explicit pictures and messages. He also said that he had found some naked photos of his ex on a flash drive and had looked at them several times while we’ve been dating (supposedly after the conversation we had about this).
He clearly feels really bad about this, and he has blocked her on every account that they were connected on. He says he has a sex addition, and that’s why this happened. (It seems like his turn on for that situation is that he wasn’t supposed to be doing it). I appreciate him telling me about what he did, but I don’t know if I should forgive, and if I should, how to start trusting him again?
Thanks in advance for any advice you might be able to provide.
Dear Sad Chump,
A man just told you he’s “addicted” to doing things he’s not supposed to be doing… and you want to know if you should trust him?
A guy whose turn on is deceit.
So, you have no idea if he’s sorry, if he blocked her, or if his mother’s name is really Marion.
Or if you’re “exclusive.”
Fast forward to a year of dating and moving in together — he tells me that a few days ago, he sexted with his ex.
He tells you. You assume it’s a confession. That he values the relationship, so he’s leveling with you. That’s you projecting humanity onto a fuckwit.
More likely — his turn on is duping you further. Because he enjoys getting away with things. And your sadness is a hit of kibble centrality, and your hurt makes him feel powerful. And the longer you stick around, investing in him, the steadier his chump supply.
Why on earth would you stick around for that? Out of a squillion people on the planet, why would you put all your chips down on this one? You! You’re my future!
Do you enjoy abnormal pap smears? Hypervigiliance? Competing with his ex’s sexts?
If you think I’m being harsh, consider that you’re at the beginning of this chump journey. You get to CHOOSE. There’s no mortgage, kids, marriage bait and switch. This guy’s douche factor is on flamboyant display, all the dysfunction arrayed like peacock feathers.
And… you choose HIM?
You get a choice. He devalued you, and you don’t have to reward that. Because more of you is a GIFT. Internalize that. Your trust, your time, your love, your body. All a gift. And he shat on your gift.
Too bad he’s an idiot, but his idiocy doesn’t devalue YOU unless you let it. What are your dealbreakers?
I don’t know if I should forgive, and if I should, how to start trusting him again?
I gave you a Faberge egg. You smashed it with a sledgehammer. Should I forgive you? I’m hesitant to give you the Meissen porcelain, but maybe I should?
Do you see the idiocy of this? NO! Stop giving treasures to fuckwits!
Could they learn to appreciate gifts? Oh maybe. Start them off small, with gold fish crackers and slowly work your way up toward more valuable trinkets — but who has time for that?
The guy doesn’t have the basic skills for a relationship. It’s not your job to teach him remedial decency.
Oh, and that “addiction” label doesn’t give him a pass either — it means The Guy Doesn’t Have the Basic Skills for a Relationship. The addiction is his relationship.
Move on, Sad, before you get smashed.