He’s Still with His Affair Partner
Her ex is still with his affair partner two years later, even though she thought it would never last. Why are they still going strong and why does she care?
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Dear Chump Lady,
I got through the initial hurt of it all by telling myself they’d never last.
I mean how could they?! Two people who rooted the foundation of their relationship in lying and deceit. She was married at the time of their affair too. They’d surely crash and burn. Right?
But here we are, a little over two years later and she’s still here. Still in his life, still in our 3-year-old son’s life and therefore still indirectly in my life. I see her in pictures, at co-parenting exchanges and in my son’s stories of his weekend at dad’s.
I look at her and see the embodiment of my failure, of my inferiority.
She’s the one that was so much better than me that he decided to throw away our family for her. It feels like, if they end up lasting together long term, it proves that I just wasn’t “enough”.
Wasn’t pretty enough. Wasn’t sexy enough. Wasn’t interesting enough. Wasn’t skinny enough. Wasn’t fun enough. Wasn’t a good enough wife… And just confirms to everyone that he made the right choice leaving me for her.
I guess I was just always hoping that his reason for leaving would blow up on him. That they would fail and he would realize (too late) that he gave up his family for nothing in the end. I think that I just want to feel like I got some sort of justice for everything I’ve been through since D-Day… But it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen.
And trust me, I know all of this sounds very “pick me”, and I never wanted to become the kind of woman that is jealous of others for having been “picked”. I hate that I feel this way – but I can’t seem to turn off the terrible gut punch feeling I get every time I see her.
How do I get over these feelings of inferiority around her and the sense of lost justice I feel regarding their lasting relationship?
– Shamefully Self Aware
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Dear Shamefully Self Aware,
Whoa, my chumpy friend. You need to entirely reframe what happened here. Begin with shoring up your values. I understand the injustice, but Inferior?!
INFERIOR?!
What on earth do you have to feel inferior about? That’s a head trip you’re giving yourself. Being cheated on is painful enough, but feeling inferior is completely self inflicted. Whose measuring stick are you using?
Two people who rooted the foundation of their relationship in lying and deceit. She was married at the time of their affair too.
We’re talking about two people with crap character. Two lousy, selfish, shitbirds who cannot have honest conversations with themselves or others. Who place more value on their furtive orgasms than their families. People who would rather inflict intense pain on innocents than face a difficult conversation or behave ethically.
You’re comparing yourself to those people?
And find yourself wanting?
Are you telling me that in your moral universe being partnered is more important than being a decent human being? Because if those are your values, then yes, they “won.”
Examine your values. Are the people around you acting like he won and you’re a loser? Find a new social circle. Hold your own measuring stick about who is allowed in your life and who is a waste of space. YOU set the terms on your self-worth. No one else. As Eleanor Roosevelt famously said: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
Stop consenting.
She’s the one that was so much better than me that he decided to throw away our family for her.
She doesn’t have superpowers. He threw away his family, because that’s the kind of person HE is. A vacant shell of a person who doesn’t value his wife and small child. If he wanted to end things — and no one owes us a relationship — he could’ve divorced you honestly and fairly. Rejection always sucks, but deception and discovery is another magnitude of hurt. And goading a faithful partner to perform the pick me dance is cruelty to feed the cheater’s ego.
He’s a horrible person who made deliberate horrible choices.
She’s not “better” than you. Like every affair partner, she’s dim, available, and thinks she’s special. The cheaters want to cast this as a competition, because that directs attention away from their shitty, unethical behavior. Why are you going along with that?
It feels like, if they end up lasting together long term, it proves that I just wasn’t “enough”.
If they end up lasting together long-term it… has nothing to do with you.
It could be they feel they must stay together to prove to everyone that cheating on their families was worth it. Or it could be they’re a better match at being vapid. Maybe they watch the same TV shows.
As I say over and over again here — these people are not very deep. That’s what their behavior says. So it stands to reason that their happiness is about as deep as their unhappiness. It doesn’t hurt them to hurt you. And they’re easily distracted by shiny things. So what if they appear happy? Squirrel!
Wasn’t pretty enough.
Says who? Him? I’m sorry, I don’t take fashion tips from fuckwits.
Wasn’t sexy enough. Wasn’t interesting enough. Wasn’t skinny enough. Wasn’t fun enough. Wasn’t a good enough wife… And just confirms to everyone that he made the right choice leaving me for her.
Everyone doesn’t think that.
That’s your fear talking. Gag that fear with an apple and roast it over a spit.
Flip the script. HE isn’t enough. Apparently he thought you were enough when he married you and created a child, but he lacked the stamina to stick out his commitment. And let me tell you, as an old mom — no one feels sexy and interesting or fun all the time with a toddler. NO ONE. Life is vomiting mishaps and toilet training. There’s very little margin for being your best self BECAUSE YOU ARE RAISING SMALL CHILDREN. It involves sacrifice.
I’m not saying you have to be a drudge. I’m saying, most adults understand that we’re grading “sexy” on a curve after an episiotomy scar, years of interrupted sleep, and Paw Patrol videos. No one feels ravishing. I could segue here into how this sacrifice and drudge work falls disproportionately to women, but that’s another column. My point is — where on earth did you get the idea that you were supposed to be fabulously seductive and alluring 24/7?
You signed up to be a FAMILY. You were assuming these sacrifices would be shared. That you had an invested partner to get you through these years. And then your husband did a bait and switch. And probably blameshifted his crappy character as something lacking in you.
STOP INTERNALIZING HIS REJECTION.
I guess I was just always hoping that his reason for leaving would blow up on him. That they would fail and he would realize (too late) that he gave up his family for nothing in the end.
You cannot predicate your happiness on what may or may not happen to the Fuckwittersons. Chart your own course. He’s not going to have an epiphany. And if he does circle back (let’s hope he doesn’t), it’s to use you. Because that’s what his shallow, transactional behavior says about him. So let him use her. HE IS NOT THAT DEEP.
I think that I just want to feel like I got some sort of justice for everything I’ve been through since D-Day… But it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen.
You’re not going to get justice. Let that go. Every single chump here has eaten a big triple-decker shit sandwich of injustice. And soldiered on anyway. I promise you, someone here has choked down a much bigger sandwich than you have.
I’m not saying that to make you compare sandwiches (this is not the Pain Olympics) but to take inspiration from the many other people who have walked this path before you. We don’t get the lives we imagined, but oftentimes we get much better lives that we never could’ve envisioned.
Bravery has its own rewards.
Still in his life, still in our 3-year-old son’s life and therefore still indirectly in my life. I see her in pictures, at co-parenting exchanges and in my son’s stories of his weekend at dad’s.
Has it occurred to you that the relationship endures because this guy cannot adult on his own and needs a babysitter appliance?
I hate that I feel this way – but I can’t seem to turn off the terrible gut punch feeling I get every time I see her.
So, don’t see her. Practice as much no contact as is humanly possible. Or if you must see her, see through her. Nothing to admire or envy here. Just a dim, shallow person who shackled themselves to a loser.
How do I get over these feelings of inferiority around her and the sense of lost justice I feel regarding their lasting relationship?
Stop feeling inferior. Accept the injustice that you didn’t get the marriage you thought you were going to get. And recognize that the longevity of a relationship says nothing about the quality of a relationship.
Remember, she’s shackled to a loser. So it’s perfect karma that they have each other. No one got a character transplant.
It very well might blow up someday. Or it won’t. I promise you, one Tuesday, you will not care two shits what they’re up to.
I, like so many of us here, can relate to all of this. Mine is still with his cheating partner 7 years later. They each walked away from intact families to be together.They are not yet married or officially engaged, much to his affair partners dismay.At first I felt all of the feelings that you describe. Why her ? I picked apart all of my perceived flaws and blamed myself for not being “enough” In reality, he was not enough and he chose someone else with an identical moral code, one that does not come close to measuring up to mine. Now, when I see him or them, I am happy for the reminder of what two flawed people look like in person, and I have no longing to be part of their world.Its not easy and it takes a bit of time, but CL is correct, one day you realize its Tuesday.
Exactly. Water finds its own level.
My Ex is still with his emotional (at least) affair partner. They were house shopping while were still mediating the divorce (But they were only just friends!). Got married right before a custody hearing, hoping it would help their case. His shitty, cheater dad is still married to his A.P.
“Just a friend” also has lousy character. She lies, she’s shady & manipulative, and she’s got a mean streak. My daughter complains that her step-mother, “yells a lot.” He wanted a nanny Mcbang-maid, he got it.
She’s not better, she accepts less.
I see him at our daughter’s soccer games and other events, he barely watches, he’s just on his phone. He’s a checked-out human that phones it in as much as he can get away with.
With regards to my former FIL’s second marriage… he still lies and keeps things from her, she’s always suspicious and arguing with him. But he’s old, has been diagnosed with some health conditions, so he’s not going to go anywhere. From what I hear, visits with them are still stressful, they don’t keep a kid-friendly home, and stress out about kids being kids.
My ex isn’t a better human now that he’s with the AP. He’s still him, and it’s a relief I’m not the marriage police, truth police, nor the money police anymore.
My XW is still with the AP as well. They’ve now been married for 8 years, so about half the length of our original marriage. It is tough.
The unpleasant truth is that, in some sense, we have been deemed “not enough” or “inferior”. Our exes did look at us, weigh the pros and cons, and decide “I choose the other person”. I think sometime people here are unwilling to acknowledge this.
However, this brings up another (and more important issue) which is: who determines for us whether we are enough? CL (among others) argues that we need to make our own determination of self-worth. Even if it’s hard to pull off complete self-sufficiency there, we can at least agree that we shouldn’t rely on the opinion of one person – and a mean, lying, cheating person at that – to determine self-worth. Actually, a person who has shown himself to be hurtful, deceitful, and selfish is the least qualified to pass judgment.
It’s not that we haven’t been judged wanting, it’s that that judgment itself is worthless.
I disagree. It’s not that I wasn’t enough, my ex wasn’t. He checked out because he couldn’t be the honest and supportive partner he claimed he wanted to be, and that I kept expecting him to be.
I actually think that in a way, a fuckwit shows something approaching good judgement by getting rid of a chump. The chump does not share his/her pathetically shallow, selfish values and goals, so yeah, the chump actually does not belong with the cheater. Now, the cheater should have gone about it honestly, but selfish, shallow people aren’t willing to. Cheating and lying comes naturally to them. They don’t come naturally to the chump. Oil and water, clearly.
I see it as a compliment when a crappy person doesn’t like me, so the same applies when a crappy so-called partner doesn’t want me. In either case it means I’m not their kind of person, which is a good thing.
Thank you for sharing this. My ex is married and I think might have children with her and I just found that out today. I have 2 grown sons but I went no contact and we have a “don’t talk about him” rule. But old friend not unkind asked me how many kids do they have now – (she’s nice and been a great support …)? I started shaking. She realized her mistake- we don’ts each other often. It;s been a decade! The past 4 years I have been so better, so much clearer on how awful he was, I don’t miss him! But this sent me down a tunnel of self hate and so on.. and – anyway.. I really needed this today.
In Buddhist philosophy what you are doing to yourself is called the “second arrow”. Something bad happens and then we beat ourselves up about it and inflict worse pain than the original offence. We are doing it to ourselves…….Chump Lady is right on as usual. Nobody won anything here. She did you a big favour. Now focus on your best life, train for a marathon, learn to paint, get your yoga certification, get out of your head and into your body……..good luck.
I got certified for yoga! HAHA. I hiked Machus Pichu! Into the body! Such great advice. Second Arrow. I love this. thank you.
Well done you!
Any you did it for yourself- yay😊
One path………
“Together” does not mean “healthy”.
No one knows that better than us. For the 27 years we APPEARED “together”, he was deceiving me. He also abandoned and lies to our daughter.
Bonnie and Clyde. Hitler and Eva Braun. Together? Yes. Healthy people? Healthy relationship? I would say no.
It’s important to learn to stop giving so much credence to togetherness. It’s a meaningless way to gauge the health of a relationship.
To quote Dr. Frank Pittman:
“Wonderful people don’t screw around with married people, and wonderful married people don’t screw around.”
A relationship can only be as healthy as the two people in it. An affair is seriously dysfunctional and it’s baked in. You can’t get the eggs out of cake batter.
I felt and thought the same as our writer today. It took time and a great therapist helping me for my thinking and feelings to change.
Traitor Ex is still “together” with the primary side piece. They opened an illicit massage parlor. I know first hand that monogamy is not part of the deal with them. I also know first hand that they are in conflict and struggling. I am not surprised. It’s been eight years now.
I would not call what they have going “going strong”. It’s a sick situation and I could not be more grateful that I am divorced from him.
He lies lies lies to this day. And so does the primary side piece.
Velvet, your posts are always spot on! Thank you.
p.s. Love the Pittman quote.
Yes, that’s what got me through. Whoever he was with and whatever they were doing, being with him was just NOT worth it. His approach to romantic relationships was deeply flawed, and I didn’t want to be a part of it. He was all about power, control, and deception. Count me out.
My ex didn’t have a stable relationship for some time, but when he finally did, he definitely traded down, as my attorney had predicted. It didn’t bother me by then. I just wanted my ex “occupied” so he could let go. Nearly four years have passed since I last heard from him. It feels good.
If you’ve ever bitten into a beautiful apple that was rotten inside, you have an experience you can compare to a relationship with infidelity as a foundation. I’d much rather have a good apple.
That dumb book Just Friends by Shirley Glass had one very good extremely helpful sentence in it. Ironically it was in the chapter To The Affair Partner.
“A man [woman] with a history of infidelity is a poor choice for a life partner.”
Infidelity is soul murder. Cheaters and side pieces are soul murderers. Of not only the deceived partner but the involved children.
Look up the case of Michael Whyte, who tortured and murdered Darlene Krashoc back in the Eighties. He was arrested thirty years later through DNA evidence in his lovely upper class suburban home in the presence of his wife of many years, who called him her “rock.”
Let’s say he only tortured and murdered Darlene, never murdered again, and it was thirty years ago. Would you want to date him?
I wouldn’t. He needs a wife or girlfriend who can do the mental gymnastics necessary to be in a relationship with him. Cheaters and side pieces are Olympic gold medalists in the sport of mental gymnastics and Zen masters of disordered thinking.
Infidelity is cruel. Cheaters and side pieces lack empathy. So what if they are together?
They are actually a good match in their matching disdain for integrity, respect for other people, honesty, and loyalty.
❤️
Describes my ex narcopath and our long mirage. Continues to lie to our kids post divorce.
Here to corroborate what CL said (and what you should put on your bathroom mirror) “I promise you, one Tuesday, you will not care two shits what they’re up to.”
Do NOT let anyone else set the standard for your worth and self-esteem other than YOU. YOU are the person who did NOT lie, or cheat, or hurt your child, steal your time and money, risk your health and blow up another family. YOU have morals and are committed. You are a real, decent person!
I can promise you that whatever these two have together, it isn’t what you want!! Don’t be envious of the relationship you think they have.
Please consider ways to minimize your exposure to those photos and in-person meetings. I understand that part of you may want to see what’s going on. CL calls it pain shopping because that is really what it is. Change the in-person exchanges to just your son’s father or have a family member/friend help with the hand off. You’d be surprised by people in your life who would be willing to help pickup and drop off if you explain your desire to minimize exposure. What’s the point of seeing photos of them? If you’re looking, just stop. We know it’s harder than it sounds! Unfriend anyone that posts photos. Better yet, take a very long break from social media. Tell people you don’t want to see or hear anything about them. If they don’t understand, you don’t need them in your life. When your son recounts his weekend with them, get busy cleaning out a drawer or folding laundry. When he talks about the AP, make sure those socks are folded perfectly! Or plan something fun after pickup (baking cookies, kicking a soccer ball, making goop or painting rocks) so that you replace those stories with new memories. At his age, it’s easy and just takes some planning in advance.
You are still in early days. I am convinced that the count down to healing doesn’t even begin until the divorce is final. You wrote 2 years but perhaps that is from discovery that these two blew up two families? Give yourself the grace of time. It is amazing what a difference it can make. I’m many years out and I promise I never even think about the two liars – why on earth would I want to? They are shallow, pathetic people and I love my life now!!
Focus on living the best life you can for you and your child. Whatever that looks like. Dream big. Tell yourself every day that you are amazing, worthy of love and rejoice in knowing you’re a beautiful, healthy, kind person.
“Please consider ways to minimize your exposure to those photos and in-person meetings. I understand that part of you may want to see what’s going on. CL calls it pain shopping because that is really what it is. ”
This is SO hard but so important. I have him blocked on all social media. I don’t go asking questions. I do occasionally have bits of info that come back to me. But it is very limited. Finding out that he is now dating a woman half his age? Luckily, that wasn’t devastating news. Something COULD be at some point. I am not exactly sure what. Mostly I know so little that I am able to just laugh at the stuff I do hear accidentally.
I found out that he took her to Jamaica when someone that we both know said “well right now he is in Jamaica with his young girlfriend and all her tattoos”. (I personally have nothing against tattoos, but the way he said it sort of disdainfully did make me laugh)
Yep, I DO NOT follow my ex on social media, nor his AP, nor the “Switzerland friends.” I don’t need to see them playing “happy family.” I may be mostly “meh” but I’m not immune from being hurt by those images.
Rebecca, your response is sheer perfection. It is always a pleasure to see that you’ve shared your wisdom here, and the words you’ve written above are pure gold. To me, you are a stellar example of a survivor who pulled herself from a pit of despair and who is now living a peaceful, authentic life. Whenever I see your words here, I picture Melinda French Gates and the happy, calm demeanor she exhibits these days, and my heart swells for both of you.
Shamefully Self Aware: Please try the method that helped me to extricate myself from the morass of feeling “less than,” and find things about yourself that you can be proud of. I wrote sticky notes with positive messages and posted them around my house, made audible compliments to myself (“Wow, you are so smart, Eirene”), and created daily “to do” lists that started with “wake up… make coffee… get dressed… etc.” By the time I got out of bed and made it to the kitchen, I already had a few tangible items to write down, to immediately cross off, and to congratulate myself for having completed successfully. It is a method of changing my perspective to a positive, affirming one rather than constantly beating myself up for my perceived deficiencies, and it helps me immensely.
Good luck to you, and please know that you can do this. You are stronger than you ever imagined, and you will make a good life for your whole family: your child and you.
Sadly, it is sometimes hard not to buy into other people’s warped judgment about who is “winning” and who isn’t, especially about issues related to cheating.
As I had mentioned before, I was bullied out of my last job by a coworker who was very clearly sleeping with our married CEO. She kept leveling baseless criticisms at me and my work (because I had been the CEO’s ghostwriter for some time, without barely ever talking to him personally). I was able to handle those attacks, but then she proceeded to tell lies about me to other senior executives (not just the CEO) whenever she had the opportunity. I had written documentation about some of her actions and tried to raise this with my direct superiors several times, but to no avail. I grew increasingly anxious and finally had to change jobs and careers just to get away from all of this.
This would have been bad enough all on its own, but it also triggered memories of my narcissistic, abusive and covertly alcoholic mother (I’ve been no contact with my entire family for 20 years). She might have worshiped a woman like schmoopie while she had nothing but contempt for me, her only child (unless I was heavily fluffing her ego). In her eyes, unlike me, schmoopie would have been “truly wise”, the one who “knew how to go about things”, the one who had the looks etc.
Apparently, things didn’t even work out well for schmoopie. The CEO was thrown out just months after promoting her to a prestigious position, and from what I’ve heard, she was made to leave as well. Still, my mother might have admired her just “on principle” for her strategizing and for kicking all the “less worthy” women out of her way (me being the least “worthy” one, obviously, at least in my mother’s eyes).
It stings, but some people are just like that, unfortunately. It’s like when a thief steals all our possessions and other people admire the thief because they’re rich and we’re not. Only in this case is it easier not to buy into this belief because it isn’t as widely accepted by society. But even if that is the case, it doesn’t mean that everyone thinks that way and considers schmoopies to be “winners.” It’s still possible to find a different community where people don’t worship thieves.
I’m so sorry to hear that about your mother what an awful woman.
It’s always sad to see the pick me types like that coworker ho decimate other women to ‘win’ a man. Desperate much?
In my case, the fact the AP was trampling on other women at work was to my benefit since it was apparently one of the factors that eventually led to a whistleblower telling me about the affair.
The workplace backstabbing and climberism are apparently par for the course according to various studies since psychopathy, “aggressive mating strategies/sexual coercion” (including cheating and competitive status attacks on other women) and the “Peter Principle” (exaggerated perceptions of their own competence/skills/abilities) are said to be in the profile of a typical “mate poacher.”
It was so weird, because as I mentioned, the CEO wasn’t even talking to me. In his eyes, I was little more than a human AI spitting out copy, I assume. About the same age as his wife (who was about ten years younger than him) and thus probably “too old” from his point of view and also clearly not his type in terms of looks. I even cracked jokes about me being his “AI” in schmoopies presence, in the (somewhat naive) hope she might spare me. It didn’t help. The only possible reasons I could imagine are that my status as his ghostwriter had earned me some respect from my coworkers, and that I was able to judge the quality of her own (very mediocre) work and was sometimes a little bit “too vocal” about it instead of just tiptoeing around her ego, I guess.
Also consider the idea that people who lack integrity may have a strange recognition and appreciation of how fundamentally attractive the trait they lack is in other people.
After all, aside from the stock snub noses and exaggerated cartoon saucer eyes, what makes Disney princesses universally appealing cultural icons of attractiveness is that they’re depicted as having moral fiber. In other words, ethics is considered a component of “beauty” in most of the world while hidden villainy is considered “ugly.”
I’m sure the fact that she felt like a fraud in comparison to your competence was a factor. But being around you may have made her feel “ugly” and she possibly didn’t share your humble self perception. In fact, the humility might have felt like it was being rubbed in her face.
Quite possibly, and I believe my mother’s contempt for me (since early childhood!) had similar roots. She did everything in her power to badmouth me (and she even dressed me in ugly clothes), and yet many other adults still found me “cute” and “charming” and were impressed by my excellent school grades. Looking back, she really acted like a cartoon Disney villain. But of course, it still did a lot of damage to my self-confidence. And all too often, to the outside world, it may look as if the Disney villains are the real “winners”.
You might also be doing what I did for awhile as a little kid in response to classroom bullying or what my mother did all her life in response to her disordered mother’s putdowns: actually sort of retreating into this idea of being “plain” or “not so attractive” as a fruitless attempt to avoid inciting psychopathic sexual rivalry or men’s sexual aggression.
Throughout her life, my mother would giggle about being the “ugly duckling” in her family and how this forced her to focus on accomplishing things which actually made her quite happy in the end. But when I would look at pictures of her as a young woman, her self perception made zero sense. In fact, she looked a lot like the golden age Hollywood actress Merle Oberon.
Ugly? Huh? So when she was young, I guess she perceived the aggressive gawking from men and scowls of other women as a reflection of her freakish ugliness when, in fact, she was probably cutting a swathe everywhere she went.
Even in middle age and with no attempts to glamorize herself (my mother was over forty when she had me) she looked a lot like Jacqueline Roque, Picasso’s last wife (Owife actually) and final model. My dad even got a very expensive lithograph of Jacqueline on Horseback for my mother’s birthday because of the resemblance. My mother’s reaction was “You’re crazy but thanks.”
Interestingly, though my mother seemed to embrace the ugly duckling guise for herself, she was also determined to break the awful Puritan tradition of convincing girls they were ugly to suppress sexuality, kind of a psychic form of FGM. I think she also recognized that this would leave me unprepared for sexual aggression so she started pushing back against my “homeliness” defense, warning that people would end up using and abusing me if I didn’t correct my self perception.
I’m not even sure my coworker really cared about the guy who was more than 20 years older than her and an incredibly dull corporate technocrat. I believe what she was truly craving was power inside the organization (without putting in any actual effort or possessing meaningful talent). Maybe she was hoping to become his next wife as well. I’m not sure life as a wife and mother, keeping up appearances for him at all times, would have suited her well, though (to the outside world, he always acted like a conservative “family guy”). On the other hand, she was quite the chameleon, so I don’t really know.
As for my mother, yes, I still find her attitude shocking, even though I haven’t been in touch with her for so long.
This, 1000 times this. I was told that I was less than OW. She was this and she was that blah bah. What she really was …the monkey branch to get him out of being the person he was pretending to be. He didnt have the strength or courage to just be honest that he didnt want to be married so he cheated and abused so that he could walk away with a “she threw me out”.
Both of them are the same crappy people who wrecked their respective families.
I really did – with every molecule in my body – believe (for quite a while) that the worst thing that could happen is if he left with/for her. I hurt so bad that I couldn’t see any future except pain. I couldn’t see that I could ever feel differently.
Ive told this story many times before, but it fits. When daughter graduated from college (9 years after Dday) I stood in the auditorium and genuinely wished that Cheater and OW were sitting in the next section over, cuddling annoyingly, saying tacky things about me and my new husband…watching out for daughter to hug her and give her some gift that would irk me. But he wasn’t there, he was dead. (The death is better than divorce idea has been well discussed here…stick with me a little longer).
The moral of my story is not that Cheater or OW didnt suck (they did) but rather that my perception of the whole thing changed more than I ever thought possible. In some ways I had actually passed Meh to some sort of a post-Meh state that I never ever saw coming. Them sucking is real but also doesnt matter because you have your life to live and awesomeness to manifest.
I agree. True “meh” is when you find yourself averting your eyes when karma actually does catch up to former perpetrators because even watching pretty horrible, vicious creatures (like, say, hyenas) being destroyed is stressful and awful to watch.
I seriously have nothing good to say about Saddam Hussein for example but, nevertheless, I could not watch that clip of him moments before being executed that was played and replayed on cable news for months. To me, regardless of what he had done, he was just a scared old dude in that moment.
Of course my entire clan and village weren’t poisoned or shot down by Hussein so what do I know about it, right? But my aversion to the spectacle of human suffering might not be merely abstract because, when some really, really bad things eventually happened to several people who messed with me in the past in my notoriously narc-filled former industry, I found myself having to look away (not kidding: three went to prison, one lost a limb, at least two early deaths, one #MeToo cancellation, another had a family scandal end up in global headlines… and a partridge in a pear tree).
If I can barely stand “comeuppance” that I had nothing to do with engineering, I probably have no taste for revenge as it turns out.
Im not sure I fully connected the dots of my message. Ignore me if I did and am just being goofy.
My tale is a longer version of “trust that they suck” because it doesn’t matter if they are still together or broken up or drug addicts or winning Nobel Prizes; they were people who betrayed their primary relationship in cruel and inappropriate ways. They had other options which they didnt choose. Yes, they could have acted with integrity/decency and didnt but they also could have murdered us which they didnt.
Sending all the love to you, Shamelessly Self Aware.
I was chumped/blindsided 4.5 months ago after a 24 year relationship and two kids.
The one thing I am grateful to myself for, is not falling into the trap of comparing myself to the OW. I continue to surprise myself by how little I care about her and their “relationship”. Having said that, I too will throw a massive party in my head if/when the karma bus hits and one of them inevitably finds a newer, more sparkly idiot (100% Meh is probably some way off for me).
I discovered the affair around 18 months after it had started. I don’t think FW ever had any intention of leaving me/us – he enjoyed his kibbles too much and also still fools himself into believing that he’s too much of a good guy to do THAT. She also didn’t fess up and tell her husband but he discovered the affair much earlier than I did and the nasty cow led him on a merry pick me dance for nearly a year after finally leaving husband and two young SEN kids (not before emptying her kids’ savings accounts for a boob job).
My discovery happened whilst he was on a “work social” to Ibiza. Turned out he was there with just her of course, acting like teenagers and doing MDMA (yeah, a real classy couple in their mid 40s). Me and our young kids were looking for a picture of him to send him for Father’s Day (because yes, he jetted off to Ibiza with his AF on Father’s Day) and stumbled upon some photos, screenshots and videos FW accidentally saved on the family computer (one video was of him fucking her so that will be an image forever burned into my retina). Thankfully for my kids, the only body part of their father in that video was unrecognisable to them, so I’m praying they have been spared a little.
Another thing I am grateful for is having the knowledge of her drug-taking which has given me the perfect reason to threaten legal action if he every tries to introduce our children to his AF (made easier because they won’t be living together any time soon). It must be absolute torture having to send your precious kids off with the EX knowing OW is also there. I actually don’t know how I would cope with that, but I count my blessing I don’t have to – yet.
Shamelessly Self Aware, as CL reiterates time and time again – people who to do this to their partners and children are morally bankrupt pieces of shit (although she puts it far more eloquently than me). Why on earth would we ever be envious/threatened by such a characters? Despite hoping they both die sooner rather than later, miserable and lonely, I do wonder if karma would be better served having them die miserable and together. Two disgusting people, making each other even more disgusting and unhappy. If there is a hell, I hope there’s a special place in it for people like them.
You are mighty, as we all are ((hugs))
Try to get more than 1/2 custody. It’s possible even when people tell you “don’t bother” just accept 50-50. Not true at all.
Most FW don’t want to parent anyway. Spin it as something that’d make him feel/look good and he’d likely agree.
It’s helped me and the kids a lot that they’re with me the majority of the time. It’s hard for kids to be bounced week to week like a ping pong ball. We are our own little family minus the pathological lying narcopath.
If yours is desperate to look like a “good guy” same as my covert narcissist ex use that knowledge to your advantage. He’s no longer your husband or even friend, he’s now an enemy combatant (I’m quoting someone here at CN). Several attorneys told me the guilt will only last about 3-9 months so strike while the iron is hot.
This all the way!
Unfortunately for me, we never married and I now find myself financially very vulnerable (we live in England and the law stinks). Despite always working FT, I cannot maintain the home with my kids without FW agreeing to pay more than he legally has to, and it’s very unlikely I’ll get a big enough mortgage on my own salary to downsize and buy again. I’m praying a combination of shame, guilt and “love” for his kids will persuade him to do this, but it’s early days. He finally packed up his shit and left 2 months ago after a torturous 2.5 months where he continued to live under the same roof as us whilst also swanning off to see his “soulmate” whenever he felt like it, which he insisted was totally reasonable and if I didn’t like it I should be the one to leave. Errrrm, nope.
He hasn’t paid any child maintenance since leaving because we haven’t come to an “agreement” on custody. He says he wants 50/50 but the practicalities of that are ridiculous – I agree, having kids bounced around like a ping pong ball from one house to another in two different towns is totally unfair. But the larger issue at play currently is our eldest wants nothing to do with him. Currently NC. He’s now playing the sad sausage and can’t understand why his own child doesn’t want to see him. According to FW, it’s not because he’s a lying, cheating turd – it must be me pouring poison in her ear. Well guess what FW, our daughter has mind of her own and has taken your betrayal to heart. Who’d a thought that might happen? He’s another one of these FWs who thinks cheating is only directed at the partner and he hasn’t done anything to hurt the children. Idiot.
When I inevitably lose our house, I’ll be packing up and taking my kids to start a new life in a new part of the country. And if it happens to be somewhere further away from his twu wuv, well he can waaah waaah waaah all he likes during the 6 hour drives between her and them. It’s mind-boggling that he truly believes he’s a victim in this.
Sorry for the rant! This is the first time I’ve posted (apart from two terrible attempts at seeking advice on Reddit where I was blamed for every wrongdoing under the sun – thank god I found Chump Nation).
“The one thing I am grateful to myself for, is not falling into the trap of comparing myself to the OW.”
I didn’t either and I find that very shocking for me. D-Day happened as I was nearing my 50th birthday. She was 34, and she was conventionally attractive. I am shocked that I didn’t go down a spiral of comparing myself to her. But I just didn’t. When they ended, and we separated, his next gf was pretty, but again, even though I was not feeling very pretty myself, quite the opposite if we are being honest, I still just didn’t care. He is now onto the next, she is HALF his age. And while aging has made me miss my youthful body, I just do not care about him being with someone so young. (well aside from laughing at the stereotypical side of it all)
I actually said to one of my friends, “I am surprised that I am not bothered by the fact that it has been a string of women, each younger and prettier than the last…WHO does he have to date before I would get jealous?” And she repliied “Cillian Murphy”. (side note- he is MY celeb crush.)
Obviously, looks aren’t everything and youth is fleeting. I am not youth obsessed despite the above diatribe. But when your partner of decades leaves you for someone, and they are much youngert than you, AND you have a bigger birthday looming, it is something that many people might struggle with.
I suspect that deep down, the core of me already understood that he absolutely sucks and him being gone, regardless of how, is a gift. I still needed to grieve what I thought I had, and the future I had planned. But deep down, I already understood losing HIM was no loss.
This is weird – Cillian Murphy is my FW’s favourite actor!
I too am grieving the loss of a future I thought I had, but maybe more for my kids. But since he left, I have very quicky come to the surprising realisation that I just don’t miss him. It’s so liberating. I don’t think it’s because I didn’t love him, but I think I was somehow able to go from love to hate in an instant after what I discovered. He now makes my skin crawl. I’m hoping that’s the case and it isn’t just some strange self-defence mechanism during the early months of shock, and I’ll wake up in a years time and start pining after him. Please, shoot me now if that’s gonna happen!
And just confirms to everyone that he made the right choice leaving me for her.
That may actually be why he’s staying with her–to confirm to everyone that he made the right choice leaving his wife for a married woman. Cheaters want to prove to others that their
cheatingdecision was justified because it was twu wuv. They fear that not sticking it out with AP would prove they’re losers. And if it doesn’t seem to work out with AP, they often monkey branch to someone else.Self-esteem takes a big hit when we’re cheated on. Read the archives here, maybe find a support group, pursue activities and friends you enjoy. Use those weekends when your son is at his dad’s to nurture and grow yourself.
So much yes to “HE isn’t enough”. He couldn’t live up to how good you are. They never trade up. And she wanted your life. So now they’re both settling for the Temu version of a real relationship.
OW, escorts types of women relying on a depreciating asset (attractive enough to be shiny seductive object) that by definition will not last. This is why my mother told me to learn a skill and have a career.
No matter how much botox or fillers are used these gross pick-me women will one day be unable to compete with the younger onlyFans girl or 20 year old intern for FW’s attention.
FW men value women primarily based on looks (most of the FW here) and don’t really see women as fully human. Just bodies and orifices that gratify their p**ndicks and fluff their egos. No OW can win against Time. Playing marriage police is likely stressful and aging.
OP you must be younger because you have a 3 year old. Please use your precious time to heal, minimize contact, pursue career goals, seek true friendships that uplift you, and rebuild your life.
Every day you are a free to invest in YOURSELF , while the OWife wastes her time investing in a known FW who will be easily distracted by shiny new younger orifices.
You have time on your side!
SSA,
So many of us relate to these feelings.
I am very wordy, so apologies in advance.
Mine didn’t end up with his AP. They were together years in secret, then I found out, and there weere a few more years of pick me dancing and baloney. They broke up right around the time he moved out. I am very grateful that she is not in the lives of my kids. That I don’t have to see her etc. I can imagine how hard that is for you as it was something I was terrified of having to deal with.
What happened instead? He moved out and started dating, met someone and got serious immediately. She was not a cheater, but having her around my kids did not feel great. Logically I understood that this was just something any divorced parent has to deal with. And I was lucky, she seemed like a nice person. I wasn’t jealous of her relationship with him, in fact, I felt bad for her on that count as I knew he was wearing his “charming” mask and this poor women probably thought she hit the jackpot. After all, how likely was it that he told her we were separated due to his being a cheater? But I didn’t like the outings that they went on with my kids. It triggered the loss of the family I had.
They didn’t last either. Now he is again very serious with his latest, who is half his age. (Which by the way, that’s 3 women that he has been serious with while married to me, or extremely recently upon separating from me. What are the odds that they are all SO incredibly special? That isn’t a diss on these women–well it is on the AP–screw her-but not the ones that met him post-separation. But he gets super serious with whatever woman shows up in his life. That isn’t magical soul mate stuff, that is a disordered person that can’t be alone for 5 seconds. Ironically, he gets serious right away, yet commitment is not his strong suit. Why not just date a bunch of women, at least for awhile.
Early on, right after D-Day, I had all the feelings that you are talking about. Feeling like he traded up. His AP was not half his age, but was younger than me. And he just went on and on about how great she was. And how not great I was. I think that it is so normal to feel as you do. But please, read ChumpLady’s reply. Read it every day, or more than once a day if you have to…until you believe it.
In hindsight, my FW probably didn’t wait until 2 decades into our marriage to cheat. The AP likely wasn’t the first. I just had no idea, but for sure, the AP was the first one that he decided to leave me over. (Or who wanted him to leave me maybe) You are lamenting that yours is still with his a mere 2 years later? Give it time. They are both cheaters. Two years may feel like an eternity to you, but it’s not all that long in the scheme of things. And if there are cracks appearing, you would be the LAST to know. When things were falling apart in my marriage, I was in no rush to telegraph that information to the world. Your ex and his AP? They have even more reason to not want anyone to know. So don’t be so sure that everything is great.
All that said? You need to find a way to focus on you and your life, and to stop caring at all about theirs. Even if the most dramatic falling apart occured for them, the schadenfreude would be fleeting. The real satisfaction comes in living your life well. And I know all of this is so much easier said than done. But take it from someone who was so deeply in your shoes, for a long time, and who has made it (mostly) to the other side. The things that give me the most satisfaction? Stuff like “oh, I can let my oldest have friends over and she isn’t going to be embarrassed because her rage monster of a father started screamiong at her in front of everyone”. Or “oh, we can go do whatever we want on a saturday without him here to drag our mood down”.
I know that many people have mixed feelings on therapy. I found a really good one and they have made a HUGE diffference for me. It might be something to looy inferior to a woman who was married and got into a relationship with a married man with a kid. I think you know it deep down to be true. But the feelings of hurt pop up and sort of take you in the other direction. Therapy may help you get to a place where you stopp going down that road and fully accepting that you are not inferior. That is what it did for me.
Hang in there. It will get better. It just will.
I haven’t commented on a while, but I have big opinions and advice for the Shamefully Self Aware.
My ex MARRIED his whatever you want to call her the day after our divorce was final. They have been married for 14 years. They are both miserable. She is past retirement age and he is approximately 10 years until retirement (do the math). Kids are adults and they have very little to do with them because there is a whole lot of drama between them. He’s cheated on her at least twice that I know of. They own a business that they are barely making payroll. Employees have had their paychecks bounce. They argue all the time because he spends money they don’t have and she cannot retire because they cannot afford it.
She is NOT prettier, younger, better than you. She is dumber than you because she believes his lies. She knew he was married and still persuaded him. She is dumber with low morals.
It is a huge 💩sandwich that she is “coparenting” your child. They will figure it out very quickly. Be the best Mom you can be, love your child fiercely to offset the poor examples of those two.
Now is the time to find yourself. Find out who you are. Take up a hobby on your off parenting days.
Good luck! You can survive this , Chump Nation did and we are rooting for you!
“Pfffffft” to that.
My D-day was 2012. She refused to end the affair so I divorced her. (Kids were then six and nine.)
She moved in with him before the divorce was finalized. I was in despair: their love couldn’t wait.
One year later, they were engaged.
Two years later: the marriage never happened. XW Hoovers me, the first of many Hoovers. (She wants us back. Uh, no.)
Five years and several Hoovers later: he catches her in a long-term affair. Throws her out. Takes her back in a few weeks.
Their life continues. Kids report they rarely speak.
Two years ago: she Hoovers. Crying, I miss you… I ignore.
One year ago: they break up, so far apparently for good. But who knows. She Hoovers again, this time more desperately. Yeah, no thanks.
Meanwhile, all through these years, an outsider observer would think they were happily together: happy Facebook, happy vacations, holidays… No. they are miserable people clinging together like mutual parasites, determined to convince themselves that it was all worth it.
My point: they got married and it’s two years later? Bullshit. This means less than nothing with cheaters. Wait. It will crash and burn and it may already have. Or maybe they stay together the rest of their lives, but happily? Extremely unlikely.
Stay strong and logical.
So if my arithmetic is correct here (this morning brought to you by Monster Sugar Free Orange), they ran off together 2 years ago, you have a 3 year old, meaning that they ran off together when your kid was 1. I don’t imagine that you bred with the idiot the day you met him, meaning you knew him for a while.
I can infer a couple of things from that fact:
1) Your fuckwit is pretty decent at playing the semi-long game
2) (deep breath for emphasis) He abandoned you and his one-year-old and checked back in when the kid was out of diapers and the very hard part was over.
Read the part in bold again.
Let’s not focus on her for a second. Let’s focus on him. THAT is the quality of the “man” that you “lost.” He ditched your family for something shiny and new while you were busy, you know, being a mother (and I am going to guess running the household, not giving him centrality because there was this little helpless being that needed fed and cleaned). He bailed when the realities of parenting were too much for him and now gets to be with his kid every other weekend where he gets to be Super Dad and then put the kid back with you for hard parenting the rest of the time.
Still THAT jealous of her?
You are absolutely correct-she “won” him, knowing full well the quality of the “human” she was getting involved with. I can infer two things from THAT:
1) She, like him, just likes the good parts of this whole “coupling” thing and is likely to run at the first real challenge.
2) She is just as likely, if not more, to implode that particular relationship.
Seriously, what the hell did she win again? A cheater that runs away when there are issues and occasional rental on a child that isn’t hers.
She is not better than you. She beat you in a competition that you didn’t know that you were in and by the way even if you did you had no chance of winning. Your only sin was the same one we all committed here-you unknowingly gave your heart to the person least qualified to honor and accept that gift-and probably talked a good game about it as well. And guess what? None of us had any way of knowing.
Knowing the presence of the trap, you may now disarm it. And we are here for you!
Believe me, I get it. No kid involved, but my fuckwit ran off when I was too busy running everything so she could focus on school-I didn’t get to be fun and attractive and sexy as she wanted and when I needed her support most she made me dance and still bolted. It sucks, it really does. And she will pay for it somebody if she already isn’t.
Buy the ticket, take the ride. She won nothing but a timebomb dressed up in wrapping paper called “happiness.”
Your fuckwit had a choice between being an actual man and running from his responsibilities. He made his choice. She just happened to be the nearest convenient target for his lack of adulthood. Like with all fuckwits, there was no focus on the actual casualties of that choice-just poor impulses.
And I am sorry for that.
It WILL implode, and they WILL get theirs, mark my words. We do not get to check the timer on justice in these parts, sadly.
Feliz Jueves!
Just think about the ice cold heart that could 1.) cheat with an infant at home and 2.) leave that infant for a schmoopie. He has a brand new, blessed miracle — a tremendously fascinating soul coming alive — and he’s … at a hotel?
He is 1000% still with schmoopie for baby-sitting services. I wonder what her ex has to say about all this, whether he agrees that schmoopie is all that. What did this skinny, fun, pretty person do to her family?
Shamefully Aware…
For what it’s worth, an exercise that’s currently recommended by trauma therapists in the wake of domestic abuse is that victims write down every ugly, rotten, eerie, selfish, icky thing their former partners ever did or said over the course of the entire relationship, then read and reread this account every time they find themselves slipping back into false idealization of the former partner or starting to pine for “what could have been.”
Most survivors start this exercise thinking they’ll fill no more than half a page or so but then end up writing 50 page litanies of offenses as they suddenly find one memory triggering other suppressed memories and on and on.
I don’t insist this is true in your case but, from the sound of it, I suspect that you’re in the throes of recovering from an abusive relationship which would typically involve “disremembering” many of the rotten, cruel or selfish things your ex was doing to you all along. It’s part of something called “captor bonding/Stockholm syndrome” whereby victims suppress their own rebellion against mistreatment in order to keep the peace, typically in circumstances where it would be difficult or frightening (such as caring for small children, having diminished access to funds, etc., or simply fear of what the abuser might do) to resist or escape. And one of the effects of suppressing one’s own rebellion is that memories of triggering events may be suppressed as well.
Captor bonding is actually a very effective survival mechanism but can sometimes outlive its usefulness after victims manage to get free of abusers which is why it might require therapeutic exercises– literally “deprogramming”– for victims to regain their own perspectives again and stop thinking in the ways they’d been conditioned into by years of frog-boiling manipulation and mistreatment.
Even if it doesn’t necessarily involve black eyes and broken bones, cheating is abuse and requires coercive control to facilitate. And one of the intentional effects of all forms of abuse is to make the “moral compass” of the victim stutter and go haywire.
This is sometimes referred to as “perspecticide” in forensic psychology whereby abusers destroy the world views and self perceptions of victims and replace these with the abuser’s own twisted and nihilistic world view and then displace their own disastrous self esteem and self loathing onto victims so that victims end up somehow loathing themselves.
That’s another term in forensic psychology– “projective identification”– which in some interpretations refers to the baffling phenomenon of how many if not most rape victims will somehow end up feeling guilty/responsible for and “tainted” by the crimes committed against them. Some theorists believe this is the whole point of why perpetrators attack victims– as a way to destroy the victim’s sense of self and “displace” the perpetrator’s self-loathing and misery to another person on the demented delusion that this would somehow rid the perpetrator of these negative feelings. Of course the attempted displacement fails and the perp’s self-loathing and misery quickly grows back like a tumor which may be partly why many perpetrators serially offend.
So if you want any more proof that what you were subjected to was patent domestic abuse by individuals with criminal mentalities, it’s by the fact that you are now doubting whether your own ethical nature is even a quality worth having or gives you any value. This is despite the fact that almost all classic literature, every major religion and basically every TV movie of the week holds up “moral fiber” as the most desirable quality in any human being. I mean, think about the mindf*cking it took to make you doubt something that most cultures present as ideal.
In any event, it sounds like that’s exactly why your ex did what he did and exactly why his partner in crime participated: to convince themselves that being unethical, disgusting and sociopathic are winning traits and that goody-two-shoes like you only lose. It’s really the only circumstance under which people like that can pretend they’re not walking abortions… if they can make others experience FOMO or a sense of rejection.
This is an extreme example but Holocaust survivor and historian Primo Levi’s describes in The Drowned and the Saved how Nazis deliberately created conditions in the camps whereby victims– the vast majority of whom were just regular, law-abiding people who’d never committed genuine evil and were all around relatively innocent– would do uncharacteristic things to survive such as sell each other out because the goal, as Levi explains, was to drag the victims down to the Nazi’s own base moral level, thus destroying their relative innocence before killing their bodies.
I don’t remember if Levi was expressing a personal observation or if he was quoting someone else when he wrote “The innocent love their innocence,” the idea being that destroying innocence destroys souls. In any case, Levi argues that the deliberate and systematic destruction of relative innocence creates something called the “moral gray zone”. Rather than objecting to this idea being used as an analogy for less globally catastrophic forms of abuse, I think that was actually his philosophical goal in writing about his camp experience and the things he saw– so that people would begin to recognize the “seeds” of atrocity even in the everyday abuses human beings commit against each other so that humanity could better guard against this.
Again this is not to make a comparison but to highlight a principle: I think you’ve been brainwashed and probably quite deliberately. Like someone escaping a cult, it may take deprogramming for you to regain your rightful sense of self and healthy sense of reality again. And when that happens, you’ll fully understand what a massive bullet you just dodged.
Being with him is her punishment, not her privilege. You dodged that bullet, along with the sunk cost of many more shitty years in the service of a fuckwit.
Give yourself time and grace. Losing what you thought was a good marriage was a blow. But someday it will become obvious in hindsight that you actually came out ahead.
Oh I know, girl- I can relate.
I guarantee they’re the same horrible person they were with you, though.
It took around 14 years for me to hear about Ballbag McGee cheating on the ‘love of his life’
Key words here- ‘for me to hear about’ – I reckon he’d started much earlier knowing the quality of that bag of trash.
Dickhead McCluggage kicked off his new ‘relationship’ while he was married to me, lied about our circumstances and hooked up with someone as terrible as himself.
He will absolutely do the same again when Barbie stops working and her clockwork mechanism winds down.
I say about them all- it’s a good thing they’re together- it saves anyone else putting up with their psycho selves.
I eventually internalized that I wasn’t the “right” woman. I was the “next” woman. If their “next” relationship lasts for five years or forever, they’re compelled to act out their personality disorders. I trust that.
I was also faced with a physical disparity. Think petite, perfect skin, long silky hair vs. me. Tall, pleasantly padded, robust complected, frizzy hair capable of taking on a North Dakota winter with endless outdoor chores. Part of reclaiming my intrinsic value was visualizing myself as Godzilla in his angry phase stomping his way through Tokyo.
I so relate to this – spent this week’s therapy session going over old ground and I’m 6 years out! No kids so no contact. And that’s great and my life is so much better now. I’m not in a relationship because that’s not what I want – trust issues and all that. My signals are very clear ‘back off matey’. I was left for the exgf from school and they’d had two attempts at a relationship before he met me and both failed. But, she snapped her fingers when her marriage and kids had become whatever, and off the ex went once our marriage and my job, love and support had helped to make him financially secure. He hadn’t had sex with me for 10 years while he remained faithful to her without me knowing that this was what he was doing. My attempts to discuss this aspect met with a sad face and a turned away head. Lots of financial cheating too. Imagine how that feels! Let’s say, it’s going to take me a long time to feel attractive ever again (I was left at 59 and I’m now 65). I find that these feelings come over me when I’m tired, run down, feeling lonely, a bit annoyed about having to work to repair the financial damage of grey divorce, plus all sorts of other confidence sapping experiences. Reminding myself that this is why I feel as I feel helps me to feel the feels and move on. I’m listening to a lovely book by Bee Wilson (on Audible) called ‘The Heart-Shaped Tin’. She’s a UK food writer, very intelligent, cute and well-connected who was unexpectedly chumped. The book is a beautiful meditation on the loss she felt and what has been getting her through. Her timeline and age are similar to mine and I am finding much gentle soothing in her words. We are not alone, and what happened to us is nothing to do with who we are. We are irrepressible!
thank god for therapy!
Them being together is their own karma. They are living one another’s toxicity. That is sufficent punishment and consequences for their shitty actions. Whereas you are free from their chaos. I say consider this a win.
i’m repeating myself here, but here goes. executive X had an affair with his direct subordinate (also married) at a big oil and gas company–he then promoted her to director. initially the company shifted the org chart so their executives could have sex, but then X was “let go” and AP “left the company” and is working for a rival company. X has not found another job because of his bad reputation, no surprise. consequences, consequences.
five years later, they’re still together but they do not live together, and are not married nor engaged as far as i know, but i don’t keep a close eye. i think this is telling TBH. note, my adult kids have not met her in her new job as AP/girlfriend, but did meet her in the before times, at corporate events at the box. yes, we all knew one another. i hate that. and to think of how many times i shared a table with the AP and her then-husband, how their colleagues in attendance knew of their affair, but i did not. gah.
i’ve griped about that before. i don’t need to gripe about that anymore.
i recognize that AP is 20 years younger than me, so there is that to content with, and it definitely has messed with my self-esteem, but what shallow, opportunistic people–they deserve one another. besides, AP has two 14-year-old kids that i suspect are giving them lotsa trouble.
PS i don’t know if i believe in karma.
Shamefully, please try to internalize the reality that they don’t cheat because we aren’t good enough for them, but because they aren’t good enough, as human beings, for us. You wouldn’t cheat and lie and steal months, years, even decades of somebody else’s life by pretending to want to be with that person exclusively when you actually do not, right? You wouldn’t risk giving your partner an STD, right? So you’re a superior person to both of them. I suspect that whether it’s conscious or subconscious, FWs know they are not good people, especially when compared to their chumps, so eventually they start to hate us for being better than them. That’s where the cruelty comes in. It’s punishment for daring to be better and “make” them feel bad. They are so bizarre. That’s one type of FW, probably the most common type IMO.
Another type is an out and out sociopath who just gets off on being cruel, lying, cheating, various forms of abuse, etcetera. Nobody is good enough for them in their view. All other humans are ants for them to step on.