Husband Cheating with Escorts While She’s Pregnant
She’s pregnant and discovered her husband has been cheating with escorts. Now he says he’s hit “rock bottom” and wants her support.
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Hi Chump Lady,
I am 37 weeks pregnant and have just found out last week that my husband has been cheating on me with escorts.
He admitted this to me, only after I pulled it out of him.
He hired escorts during his work trips to come give him massages and hand jobs in his hotel rooms. I’m sure it wasn’t just “hand jobs” but he’ll never admit it.
What makes his infidelity particularly heinous is he cheated on our wedding anniversary last year. (He “didn’t realize” it was our wedding anniversary, even though we celebrated it the day prior to him flying out for his work trip) and he cheated on me with two escorts when I was 4.5 months pregnant with this child. We also have a 4 year old together.
He planned his cheating weeks in advance. When he decided to cheat on me while 4.5 months pregnant, he found these escorts on onlyfans and paid to masturbate to them the month prior and following his “hand job.”
Please, give me any reassurance to how I am feeling, my reality is breaking, and I spend my days screaming.
My husband seems to have hit rock bottom as he has fessed up to all of these things.
He believes himself to be a narcissist and has been trauma dumping on me. Yes I have had to console him so he isn’t a complete wreck around our son. Such bullshit. You’ve heard all of this before, I know.
I plan to leave and am pursuing divorce when I am 3-6 months postpartum and mentally stable enough to do so at the advice of my therapist and psychiatrist. My mom flew out to help me but I don’t know how I can possibly survive this.
I’ve been reading your book, am about halfway through, and I don’t know yet if you have any chapters on cheating during pregnancy. But it’s the worst kind of pain.
On top of all of this, he doesn’t even want me. He cheated on me, lied to me our entire relationship, hid a porn addiction, I am carrying his child, and HE doesn’t want ME. It’s such a mindfuck.
Fuck my life and thank you for reading
LaVeda
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Dear LeVeda,
If you can get out now, get out now. Can you go live with your parents after the baby is born? Do you have an intimidating cousin in the Mob who can throw your husband off a balcony and also arrange child care for the four year old? (I’m just kidding about the child care. You have your mom.) I fucking hate him for you.
Your husband is abusing you at your most vulnerable.
And that’s totally by design. Of course you’re in pain! Of course you’re beside yourself! You just had a D-Day at 37 weeks pregnant! There is a front bench in hell for men who do this. He’s risking your health, he‘s risking his unborn child’s health to get his dick wet!
Document everything you’ve discovered and give it to your attorney. (I hope you’ve retained one.) You’re going to need a whole support team right now. You need to tell your doctors that your husband has been cheating and to test you for STDs. Figure out if you can keep him out of the delivery room.
I know, this is like a heap of homework weeks before you’re due to give birth. I’d be screaming too.
For a moment, let’s dispense with the practical advice and just validate how terrible this man is. I know you invested in him, Sweetheart, and bred with him. You’re among chumps here. We get it. But this guy is a horrific misogynist.
Let’s begin with “he doesn’t want me.”
On top of all of this, he doesn’t even want me. He cheated on me, lied to me our entire relationship, hid a porn addiction, I am carrying his child, and HE doesn’t want ME. It’s such a mindfuck.
Oh, Mr. Dickdribble thinks he’s a prize? The human cum stain would like to inform you that you don’t make his loins tremble? And he would like to reject you for the offense of what? Having a pregnant body?
Vinnie! The balcony is ready!
Excuse me, I’m having very dark fantasies. Your husband is going on the offensive — attacking you for being undesirable when HE is a monster. It’s deliberate mindfuckery. Do not internalize his hatred. He’s trying to maintain the upper hand. Pretending HE is the decider and not a guy about to be handed a divorce summons.
Yeah, whatever Dribbles the Clown. Tell it to your lawyer. He bills in 6 minute increments.
Your husband has always been abusive.
What makes his infidelity particularly heinous is he cheated on our wedding anniversary last year. (He “didn’t realize” it was our wedding anniversary,
Of course he knew it was your anniversary. Bludgeoning you with an obvious lie is another way he maintains his power. Gaslighting, whatever you wish to call it — he’s not even trying to be clever. He’s leaning into pure authority. You’ll believe what I tell you to believe. He’s not a safe partner.
Speaking of unsafe! Let’s discuss his escort habit!
When he decided to cheat on me while 4.5 months pregnant, he found these escorts on onlyfans and paid to masturbate to them the month prior and following his “hand job.”
A million years ago, as a student, I took an Ethics of War class at the London School of Economics. The professor discussed submarine warfare. For a long time, the technology existed to kill enemy combatants underwater, but the British considered it unsporting. So, first the ethics had to change. A submarine is useless as a weapon unless you change your mind about sneaking up on ships underwater. They had to give themselves permission to do this.
Onlyfans and escorts exist. They do not make dicks wander. Your husband had to give himself permission to cheat on you.
He was looking for ways to cheat on you.
And this is an important distinction. Those sites are useless. They’re not weapons to hurt one’s wife unless you make them so. He wasn’t lured there by money-grubbing hussies. He’s a misogynist who BUYS WOMEN to HURT WOMEN. In particular, you, his wife. These are choices he’s making.
I could write a whole essay just on the men who buy sex. The older I get the more revulsion i have for men who do this. The more pickled in misogyny it seems. It’s transactional. There’s a huge power imbalance. These men don’t care if the women have zero interest in them sexually. The women don’t have needs these Johns have to concern themselves with.
It takes a special kind of FW to buy sex. You have one. And if I wasn’t afraid family court would come and bite your ass, I’d explain my divorce to anyone who asked with “My ex-husband preferred buying sex to having a relationship with me.”
I don’t know how I can possibly survive this.
You will totally survive this. You’re going to thrive without this guy. I know it’s going to hurt like mofo in the near term. But you’re going to model mightiness to your children that abuse is NOT okay. He’s a sperm donor and nothing more. You reject HIM.
He believes himself to be a narcissist and has been trauma dumping on me.
I hear you can buy an escort for that.
LaVeda, I am so sorry. I got hit with a very unexpected confession out of the blue, as well. Mine cheated through every one of my pregnancies.
Then he hit me with “I will never admit this on the record, and you can’t prove it”. And he was right.
You have taken advice from medical professionals. Please also see a lawyer and take their advice as well. Waiting a few months could turn out to be very detrimental to your case. You may need to gather hard evidence now, while your husband is off balance. How you handle things now may have implications for child custody in the future. You need advice from someone who had handled divorces like this in your area.
And whatever you do, don’t even hint to your husband that you’re thinking of divorcing him. He is feeling fine despite his act, and is quite capable of hiding and destroying evidence.
LaVeda,
First, what he admitted to doing physically with others is the tip of the iceberg. They cop to just enough to weaken us and make our heads spin so they can hide the worst. He didnt go to all that trouble an expense to have someone give him a hand job.
Secondly, your husband is a horrible person and completely lost cause. The extremes of his horribleness perform a really important role…very clearly mapping the path for you. All of this is ghastly but when they are slightly less horrible, they play a huge mindfuck on their Chump by looking possibly salvageable. The ones who go off a cliff clearly showing no hope of recovery allow you to cut to the chase.
I didnt learn the extent of my spouses treachery until after he was dead so I didnt make my decisions in a fully-informed circumstance…I thought it wasn’t so bad so I invested YEARS more in a f’ed up marriage when I could have been healing and making a proper life for me and my kids.
Cut swiftly with a sharp knife and dont look back.
I am so sorry. He is doing this now precisely because you are at your most vulnerable and need protection and love more than ever. Please don’t make the mistake I did and stay with him for the next twenty years. You will be chasing a mirage and denying yourself true security. It doesn’t matter how good they are sometimes/most of the time if they are capable of intentionally hurting you. He will never be a good father, either. Better to rip the bandaid off now and power through. I truly feel for you, been there. Enjoy your baby, that is true love that lasts. Hugs to you.
I could have written this post complete with p**n habit and escorts years ago except I did not know about FW narcopath secret double life back then.
Now I know he was cheating during pregnancy #2 and probably #1 also. He threatened to walk out on us when #2 was a newborn but chumpy me didn’t understand why back then.
OP it will be impossible to raise little ones while playing marriage police. You cannot parent effectively while being gaslighted – abused daily, vulnerable, paranoid, pick me dancing. This toxic stress will permeate the home.
Oh and I told everyone that I wanted to, the reason for our divorce because I’m describing the facts.
Your particular FW seems to have rehearsed his performance for D day by calling himself a narcissist, it’s not the get out of jail free card that he thinks it is. He sounds ready to weaponize psychology to smear you or make himself a victim.
You’re fortunate to have your mom. Lawyer up and prepare for the fight of your life.
The alternative is being discarded when you are much older, wasted more of your precious life on FW, and face retirement when you have not built a career. Plus you’d be modeling an abusive marriage to your children. Your psychiatrist is fortunately not peddling RIC BS. The road ahead will be hard but at least you’d be sane and free.
I’m so sorry you are facing this while pregnant. I’m glad you found CL.
I had a D-day on 12/6/2014 when I was 7 months pregnant with our only child. I remained married almost another 9 years before I caught him using a private investigator and filed for divorce. Sometimes I look back on that date (St. Nicholas’ saints day), and think that was the day my true gooey eyed love for klootzak died. We barely spoke to each other in the delivery room. I had no family or anyone to take me in and help me out. I think it is rare for chumps to be able to find such support.
LeVeda, if you can find a way out NOW and do it, I highly recommend you do so. However, if you must move in quiet to line up the ducks, go as fast as you can. Leaving with littles is hard but can be better in so many ways. FW will quickly tire of trying to parent little kids and you will get more time with them.
In my own case, I don’t trust klootzak to not be nuts (long story) but I know I have no evidence to show a court to prove that, so I had no choice but to accept 50/50 custody in my state that favors it. But now my child is 10 and can speak and tell me if anything is wrong. I got to tuck him in every night when he was little and not share him. But now life is so much better without a cheater in it every day.
In short, leaving faster is much better if you can swing it but if not, just keep putting one foot in front of the other to kick him to the curb. You can do it!!!
I wish I’d left when my son was a baby when FW really started becoming abusive. I really think FW wouldn’t have fought so hard for custody of an infant, since he wasn’t big on caring for the baby. Instead, I waited 5 years, and had a long battle which only ended because FW died. Even with an older child, FW often ducked out of his parenting days and I ended up haing our child more than 50 percent of the time (and the magistrate awarded me primary, so our kid’s official residence was mine, along with school choice, etc.).
I didn’t find out while I was pregnant, but found out after. And yes, it’s always worse than what you know. Mine confessed to activity starting not very long after we were married, which translates to roughly the whole time we had been together. He cheated and paid for it through major moves, houses purchased, our daughter…the sort of big, bonding things that made it so inconceivable to me that someone could and would do this. But like Tracy says, the fuckers give themselves permission — either the ethics change or, more likely, there never were any to begin with. I tried to digest the information I had wrangled out of him for a few months but found it indigestible. Our daughter was not even a year old. If you have a means to get out, get out as soon as possible. Do not prolong the shitshow. Both options are terrible, I know, but one of them returns your agency to you and removes the cancerous carbuncle that is causing stress and other harms to you and your children. There is peace on the other side.
Hi LeVida – I’m sorry you are going through this. You are not alone. I discovered my husband’s “hobby” in 2014.
I wasn’t pregnant when I discovered his double life of using prostitutes and rating them online on a whore/john website, but I was pregnant a few years before discovery. He coerced me into an abortion. Now I know why. That’s a subject for another day.
Your husband is a lying, cheating piece of shit, and that is one of the nicer things you can say about him. Discovering that I was married to a “man” who is essentially a rapist, who had sex with very young girls that didn’t even wanna have sex with him, was the most brutally painful thing I have ever experienced. Full stop.
Get away from him. It’s gonna suck. But it won’t suck as much as sharing your life with this inhuman shit stain. It took me about 10 years for me to truly forgive myself for allowing him to fool me for 20 years into believing he was worth a second of my time, but I can’t imagine how much worse these past 10 years would have been had I allowed him to keep fooling me.
Fuck him. He doesn’t deserve to breathe the same air as you and your children.
Please leave as soon as you can- don’t let those pregnancy hormones mess with your reality- it will just get worse from here on in.
I know what happens when you don’t leave during this time and you definitely don’t want that.
You can do this- you don’t need him and neither does your child.
You’ll be so glad you did.
Agree with others that getting out now may be best, under guidance of a lawyer. As hard as it is now, it won’t be that much easier 3-6 months from now. You’ll have your hands full with a newborn and won’t have a ton of leftover energy to think clearly.
Also, do all of this IN STEALTH MODE. Do a search on stealth mode on this site, because you have to keep all the leverage you can.
Looking back, Cheaty McLiarface was repulsed by my pregnancies. I understand now it was because my body wasn’t all about him and all our children represented to him was more attachment to me and soul crushing responsibility. He resented me deeply for it. He used his resentment over my second pregnancy to build on his entitlement to spend time and emotional energy on the perpetual fantasy of the OW. He was essentially checked out when I was going through the most vulnerable stages of my life. What kind of “man” actively works to destabilize the woman who is carrying and/or mothering his child(en)? The same “man” who decades later tells people that he never wanted those children. Because if he says that he never wanted them it excuses all of his heinous behaviors… in his perpetually immature mind.
Me: Red flags!? Where?! Oh! I love a parade!
LeVeda, since your mom is there now, perhaps she can help you with the process of finding evidence, including theft of marital assets and financial fraud. If he notices, you can both say she’s straightening things up, or that you’re nesting and moving things around. It’s usually much better to get all the documents you can, including bank and credit card statements, before he goes further underground.
It will be much easier to do this now, while you have only one child, than after birth, when you’re exhausted and dealing with the round the clock needs of a newborn.
He’s admitted to paying for sex, and that’s theft of marital assets. What he’s told you is probably trickle-truth, and he could be paying for and doing much more. As a spouse, you’re entitle to know all about your family finances.
YOU have to console HIM? My ex pulled the same thing. I think it’s actually a form of duper’s delight, because cheaters are thrilled to continue to manipulate us.
If you don’t want him at the birth, strategize a birth plan with your medical provider. Can they limit your visitors to your mother? Can whatever child care you planned cancel at the last minute, meaning he has to stay with her?
Find out if the hospital, particularly Labor and Delivery, have social workers or case managers who can help. They’ve dealt with these situations before and can tell you what the hospital can do to help.
I’m so sorry you are going through this, especially now. I hope your delivery and divorce both go smoothly.
I share the disdain for men who buy sex to hurt women. But to me, cheaters all buy sex. They are either paying outright, or they are buying dinners, flowers and gifts to keep an adultery partner quiet. Hush money is hush money regardless of the mechanism used to pay it.
Yes there are a handful of adultery partners who are in the dark, excluding those; they and the perp know exactly what is happening, even if the words “keep your mouth shut” are never spoken.
I’ve had the misfortune to endure both types of cheating by the same FW narcopath, decades apart.
To me, the escort habit is worse in terms of money spent as his main one demanded luxury cars and rent. plus the sexually transmitted disease risk is likely higher than with one affair partner. The hohos here are ruthless and main criminal escort may have been planning my fatal accident along with FW narcopath.
On the other hand, it’s a lot easier to explain my divorce to people and spot the flying monkeys – abuser coddlers immediately. Stupid bystanders cannot say it’s love 🤮
Yes, cheating men have to pay hush money. Sometimes women do too because there can be a Cold War-style “mutually assured destruction” pact between many cheaters and side pieces where each could theoretically destroy the other. This can be true in case APs are professional sex workers in places were prostitution is criminalized or especially in the case of the typical coworker affair because everyone has something to lose from exposure. Most people don’t want either “cheater/embezzler” or “fucks married people with kids and takes their money” on their professional resumes.
What I find particularly interesting about the above is that this would arguably bring mutual fear into the equation for all witting affair participants which, in a sense, could serve as a “re-enactment” of whatever traumatic, soul-killing abuse dynamics that most cheaters/abusers and– according to current social research– so-called “mate poachers” theoretically experienced in their families of origin and which theoretically explains why they grew up to be shitty walking abortions who get off on betrayal and are attracted to trash.
I’m not arguing for sympathy for the poor sad sausage freaks. All serial killers and genocidal dictators had horrible childhoods as well (I never believed Dahmer’s dad’s defensive claims that Dahmer had a “normal” childhood) and neither are known for their ability to reform themselves. I just find it a bit funny and ironic that, while typical victim-blamers always try to argue that victims of this kind of abuse are masochistic gluttons for punishment and “drawn to abuse,” it may actually be the cheaters and poachers themselves (and abusers in general) who are turned on by fear and dangerous people and walk right into the “lion’s mouth” out of a need to recreate their horror show upbringings. I think it’s a lesser known fact that most sadists are also secretly masochists who might go belly for when they encounter a meaner monkey than themselves.
As I’ve argued before, I think abusers see chumps as a “departure” from their usual pattern of being drawn to creepy carbon copies of abusers’ own toxic childhood abusers. But because abusers will skillfully mask themselves and mirror when pursuing “normies,” most genuine chumps had no clue they were walking into danger and, if anything, only get entrapped over time as abusers gradually close off all avenues of escape and undermine victims’ independence. But witting side pieces and cheaters have all the information get-go. So who’s actually “looking for Mr. Goodbar,” right?
I think this perspective can also help lessen the injury of rejection for chumps since, after all, the real problem is that they just weren’t terrifying and psychopathic enough.
In general I never believe or would accuse victims being the cause of abuse against them. Not even in the case of a car that was left unlocked and stolen. Some might, but no the thief is fully responsible, and unlocked door or an unsuspecting partner is not to blame for the abuse.
Wish there were more like you in the world.
If he doesn’t want you, he’s stupider than he sounds (which is pretty damned dumb).
I would like for you to internalize two key points moving forward.
1) Your husband is a scumbag. It’s really that simple. He dumped all of you on this while you are at your most vulnerable. He has been doing it all along. And guess what? He will continue to do so. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. He is abusive and self centered and is preparing to pull your unborn child into his nexus of dipshittery.
2) He has not hit bottom. Where he is right now, he has no idea what the abyss even looks like. He has centrality, he has a home, he has a job, he has thus far gotten away with doing whatever and whoever he wants, and he still has you. Those are the things that he wants most in life. That is not “bottom.” That isn’t even bottom’s best local cover band. Just because he is dropping the sad sausage act and confessing to what he is comfortable with you knowing about does not mean he has hit bottom. This might be the worst you have ever seen him-just wait! His life is about to get far, far worse and he knows it.
He should come by where I work sometime. Perhaps a glimpse of the true dark will give him perspective on the next part of his journey.
He laid some heavy stuff down on you (it sounds like you already knew). And he was more than OK with doing it when you are at your most vulnerable. He has continually lead this double life, putting you and your unborn child at risk. You have an obligation to your children. Not to him.
Get him out of there. We are here for you.
And a Feliz Jueves to the rest of you!
Excellent response.
“That is not ‘bottom.’ That isn’t even bottom’s best local cover band.” Hilarious and so true!
I know, my jaw hurts from laughing when I read that.
LaVeda,
In my experience, the fastest way to get out of grief-stricken paralysis is to do things that shift you into more of a counter-predator, bad-ass street-fighter mindset. I don’t know why it works but I figure anger isn’t really an emotion so much as a combination fuel pack/painkiller which evolved specifically to propel victimized and terrified creatures out of danger by temporarily displacing the feelings that might slow them down such as pain, fear, grief, sadness, etc.
And I think the fastest way to shift over to your inner beast mode is to aggressively turn the tables on your FW. I think it’s a case where form follows function or feelings follow actions. Set up consults with all the top lawyers in town then choose the attack dog with the sharpest teeth. Then if you can spring for it or get help from your mother paying for it, hire an experienced private investigator to dig up ALL the dirt on FW so that you have an advantage in any future custody standoffs and get all those dissipated assets back.
For me, hiring the PI and attorney especially helped shift into that fighting spirit. For one, these guys were funny and made me laugh which always beats the hell out of weeping in a corner. Doing this also informed the little risk management ganglia at the base of my skull that I had solid, scary allies on my side and that helped shake off a lot of the “Stockholm syndrome” I was experiencing.
As you probably know, Stockholm syndrome, aka “captor bonding” is when, for survival, humans invest in a ruse of love and loyalty towards an abuser or captor but one so cellular level that even the captive/victim believes it. Basically captor bonding is the closest thing to love in appearance while actually being the extreme reverse. Humans have been going into this state for survival since we swung from trees because it works to the extent that abusers/captors (or violent ape alphas) are not completely immune to being moved by seamless displays of loyalty from their victims and may be more likely to show mercy.
Unfortunately, as effective as it is for promoting survival, captor bonding can outlast its usefulness in cases where escape is possible but victims miss the opportunities because they’re stuck in “faux love” mode. I think this is because this survival mechanism is like an outdated app that was designed for a time when victims could not leave their ape troops or caveman tribes, back when there weren’t police or DV shelters or laws against domestic violence and coercive control.
The reason I’m telling you this is because you are, in fact, a victim of relationship violence in a technical sense since coercive control is now categorized under DV in many regions and this FW is most definitely subjecting you to coercive control (part of which is to hinty-hint that he might kinda sorta off himself if you le-eave…). And, because of this, about 80% of what you’re feeling right now isn’t so much heartbreak as raw terror and a fierce impulse to curl up into a furry ball at the feet of your
husbandcaptor as a means of groveling for amnesty because you’ve found yourself pregnant and vulnerable and in proximity to a psychopathic abuser.The main reason cheating in pregnancy doesn’t surprise me is become I used to work as an advocate for survivors of domestic violence and, since virtually all abusers cheat and since abuse typically escalates when victims are pregnant (most deaths among pregnant women and most fetal injuries are caused by DV), I strongly suspect cheating in pregnancy is the thing all batterers do as a distraction from what they’d really like to do to their pregnant partners, which is along the lines of Chris Watts and Scott Peterson.
I think some part of our ancient lizard brains can sense the risk of merely being in proximity to someone who’s secretly wishing ill on us even if that individual is too much of a soppy gutless wonder to act on those violent fantasies. And I think that subconscious perception of being in proximity to simmering danger can cause unendurable stress even if it never fully manifests because that ancient lizard risk management faculty deals in probability and doesn’t like playing Russian roulette. If there’s any probable risk there, that risk management faculty cues us to fight or flee or freeze or fawn or some contradictory combination of all of them. And I think pregnancy is the time when women’s (and most mammals’) ancient lizard brains are on fire and operating triple time.
In short, I think this FW means you harm. What grade of harm is the gamble. The question of why abusers tend to escalate abuse during victims’ pregnancies is a question forensic researchers struggle with. Probably the best explanation I’ve read was from feminist professor and author (and Andea Dworkin’s widower) John Stoltenberg in Refusing to be a Man. Stoltenberg, like several leading forensic researchers who study batterers in prison settings, describes abusers as having a pathologically infantile dependency on their victims which also accounts for their destructive infantile rage if they sense their victims’ attention is shifting away from them, even in terms of caring for young.
As the theory goes, being overgrown, dangerously stunted, demented man-babies, abusers tend to see their own children– even in fetal stages– as rivals for partners’ attention as well as impediments to total sexual control of their partners and also view partners as virtually “cheating” by being pregnant (or nursing, or caring for infants later). Stoltenberg cites the statistic that women’s risk of being severely beaten or killed by partners during pregnancy escalates even further when the sex of the fetus is known to be male (Lacy Peterson and Shannan Watts were both pregnant with boys), which increases the impression that abusers are basically so primitive (call it “de-evolved”) that they view all males as potential sexual rivals.
My mother, who was an avid armchair anthropologist, used to say that humans without the capacity for love are the most dangerous ape that ever existed. One look at human history and a glance at our ape ancestry certainly makes the case for that. The higher human civilized capacity for enduring love and loyalty is probably the one thing that truly separates us from our closest ape cousins (the scary, rapey, warring regular chimp, not the more distantly related hippie, feminist bonobo). So basically all our ancient risk management faculty needs to know about someone close to us– especially someone bigger, stronger or with any kind of advantage over us– is that they have impaired empathy/limited capacity to love in order for the screaming alarms and survival mechanisms to be triggered.
That’s the risk to you– that this FW is showing impaired empathy. In a technical sense, this makes him capable of anything and your ancient lizard brain knows this and will not settle down until you’re out of firing range.
Because of this, I suspect that, if your psychiatrist and therapist had serious training in DV or coercive control, they wouldn’t be coaching you to wait several months to get out. I think they may not fully understand the potentiality and statistics and also how your own nervous system is going to go haywire due to the risk alone. I would recommend finding a therapist or coach with training in coercive control (one notch better than training in DV or trauma alone) and a lawyer with the same understanding because they’ll have a better grasp of the risks you’re facing.
Psychology Today has a state by state guide for therapists and coaches with training in coercive control and Dr. Christine Cocchiola’s network (see her videos on Youtube about protective parenting) also has state-by-state referrals to therapists trained by her (a good lineage since Dr. Cocchiola was trained by Dr. Evan Stark, one of the main spearheads of the movement to criminalize coercive control).
The good news about “captor bonding” is that, once you’re out of this creep’s orbit, you may find that any sense of “pining,” “loss” or “heartbreak” suddenly cool as you find yourself surprisingly feeling little to nothing for your hopefully STBX. This would not be a reflection of your lack of a capacity for real love or loyalty but simply a reflection of your wonderfully fierce animal drive to survive and protect which is something that your children will benefit from and which your friends and any future loving, safe, loyal, fully human partner will value greatly in you.
LeVeda,
I am so sorry you are going through this while pregnant. It’s diabolical. If you go through the archives here you will see stories of cheaters doing all manner of diabolical deeds, including chumps that discovered their cheater was planning to kill them. It’s a wide range of fuckery for sure. But finding this out at 37 weeks is really, really awful.
Everyone is saying to leave and to do so asap. I can’t argue with that advice.
But I struggled to leave fast because I was scared, and maybe you are too. It might be overwhelming to see the advice to leave over and over if that feels nearly impossible to you.
The fact is, there is no other choice. What he has done is so bad that there is just no way you can stay and hope that it will get better. If he would do that while you are pregnant? There’s nothing he won’t do. And if you stay it is as if you are giving him permission to continue. Or at least, he won’t be worred as he knows there are no consequences. If you are pregnant I can assume you are much younger than me. What I wouldn’t do to have the 2 decades back I wasted on him. I can’t imagine leaving with a newborn, but honestly, the eaving part is never easy, so might as well do it soon and get your life back on track.
Don’t tell him your plans. Gather the intel you need as soon as possible and then go.
Don’t sit around worrying about how many sex workers there were and what he specifically did with them. Do you find a husband getting hand jobs from strangers for money acceptable? My guess is no. So you already know ALL you need to know about that. But yes, for sure it wasn’t just hand jobs.
Hell of a Chump said this far more eloquently and far more informatively, but anger is better than tears/fear. Fear leaves you in a corner unable to move. Anger fuels action. Go to anger as much as possible. You can cry later when you are rid of this disgusting pile of garbage.
Sending you all the good thoughts.
Dear LaVeda,
Please come live with me. My children are grown and out of the house. I will feed you, and protect you and do your laundry. I will change diapers in the middle of the night and bring you the clean baby to cuddle and feed.
I found out about my STBX escort habit after over 40 years together. I know how you feel. Trust me, not knowing is worse. I have lost my past and my financial future at an age when I am old to re-enter the work force. I understand how you feel.
The dissipation of marital funds will only get worse. He feels entitled to spend all the money he makes on himself. I worked and saved until I became sick at age 61. He was a “tech entrepreneur” and I never asked for proof or reviewed the finances. In a community property state he has gotten 1/2 my 401K bc he didn’t save! He lied about everything. His new wife appliance will get to retire off my retirement income, enjoy the money I didn’t spend, and 1/2 the value of the house I paid for fully on my own.
My dark side has wished I didn’t comfort him on D-day when he threatened suicide: I would be better off financially.
My STBX had us on a sex schedule—every 3rd night and every other on vacation. He would f@ck me the night before “business trips” and when he returned. The hooker fetish gets stronger as they age, so to get the same illicit thrill, he would have to come from her bed to ours. This is all about secrets and power dynamics. And with cialis or viagra it is possible.
Let good people help you. Your family, your friends, those of us here who know exactly how you feel.
Regain a life of Truth as soon as you can. I send you love & strength.
LaVeda – At a minimum, a partner puts you and your children first. Any expectation that he is available to share responsibility within your marriage is no longer realistic.
You and your team (mother, lawyer, doctor, therapist, domestic abuse agency, etc) will focus on a healthy birth and building a home without him.
It’s hard to believe, but you are in a much better position than you were before discovery. .
You have agency – the opportunity to build the life that’s best for you and your children. You do not need to comfort or consult with him.
Hi LaVeda:
I am so sorry you are going through this at a time when you should most be receiving a husband’s love and support. I agree with the Chumps who have advised getting away as quickly and painlessly as possible, assuming your lawyer is on board. Maybe your Mom or father or best male friend or Guido could explain to Sperm Donor that you and baby would benefit from some SD-free time so you can settle your nerves before the birth, and that is why he is leaving immediately. Then you and mom can enjoy an SD-free home while you focus on the next best steps.
You, your 4 year old and your precious new life deserved much better than this. Although your heart is broken and it doesn’t seem possible that you will survive this, you will. And once free of a life with a traitor, you will thrive.
Your therapist and psychiatrist are dead wrong IMO. After you discover their secrets and they know you are planning to leave, abusers typically escalate. There is no question that he is an abuser and mentally deranged, he has just been covert with his abuse. So far. He is now manipulating you into feeling sorry for him, but when that stops working, he is going to have to try something more drastic. Remember what CL says about the three channels of fuckwittery; charm, pity and rage. When charm and pity fail to get them the results they want, rage follows.
There’s also the reality that you are absolutely not going to become more emotionally stable while living with him and being mindfucked by him. You will become less so. The longer you stay, the more time he has to mess with your head and drag your mental health down. These professionals who advise you to wait obviously do not see this man as the abuser he is, or they would never recommend you stay. They would tell you to get legal and get out ASAP.
Don’t forget to gather evidence and keep it where he can’t destroy it.
For example, I got my ex FW to admit to things he had done on text and email in the pretext that if I was going to stay, I needed full disclosure. Don’t do it verbally, in person or on the phone, as then there is no proof. Needless to say, do this only if you are in a safe place. For example, you could tell him you are going to stay with your mom for awhile because you need space while you think about how to preserve the marriage. Then you never go back and you can choose to use the info to get a fair deal financially. He doesn’t want other people to see the things he’s admitted to, so he may play ball. Again, only do this if you feel you are safe and beyond his reach. You do need to be this diabolical, because I assure you, he will be thinking of ways to screw you and is thinking of them now.
I’m so sorry you had to join this club, but I’m glad you found us.
Amen to this: “There’s also the reality that you are absolutely not going to become more emotionally stable while living with him and being mindfucked by him. You will become less so. The longer you stay, the more time he has to mess with your head and drag your mental health down…”
Dear LaVeda,
I am so angry and horrified on your behalf. Your husband is a monster.
Who do you have in your corner who you can lean on? This is the time to rally the troops (your mom, your therapist, loyal friends) and get what you can in order so you can leave ASAP. I would not wait months, if at all possible. His behavior, besides unconscionable, is so calculated and sociopathic that I honestly worry for your safety. What else is he capable of?
Get support from people you trust, get a lawyer, start gathering documents. At least know your options and get the ball rolling.
Don’t tell him what you’re doing or even hint that you’re leaving, so he can’t sabotage it. His timing is not a coincidence. He planned this to inflict maximum damage, while you’re the most vulnerable and it’s most difficult to leave. You need to keep your cards close to the chest.
1000% this. Stealth mode. Hire a private investigator if you can. You may be able to get full or close to full custody if you are smart and listen here. Parenting small children will be easier for you and them, if you have them most of the time to live in a peaceful home
This made me think of my former long-time female friend (just friend), who is Canadian by birth, but has dual citizenship at this point in the US and has spent most of her time in the US (I don’t know why I’m explaining this, but here we are!🤣).
She didn’t like me talking about the FW XW in harsh terms. “That’s the mother of your children!”, she would say.
I know the FW XW is the mother of my children. I can’t change that, though I might wish I could. Don’t get me wrong; I love my children. But do I wish they weren’t associated with my FW XW? Yes. Do I understand that’s not possible, to have them without her? Yes.
It’s a strange situation for us chumps to be in, but I fully embrace what CL has said: lots of people have bred with fuckwits. We are not alone in our chumpdom; obviously, this blog proves that again and again (times millions).
What my former friend never understood is the idea that just because my FW XW is the mother of my children, does not give her a pass on what she did to me, our marriage, and our family. Same as if she were a philandering male fuckwit.
She doesn’t get a pass on my anger and vitriol originating from her scummy actions. All she is entitled to from me at this point is civility. That’s IT. And that’s all I can muster. I don’t sugarcoat my feelings about her or my responses to her. She gets the barest level of civility from me, and that’s it.
No extra warmth towards her for having our children. She threw that all away WILLINGLY. But still, my former friend, like many people, thinks that the FW XW being my kids’ mother should give her special place in my heart, and a softening towards her, eventually.
My answer to this is, yes, she is the mother of my children and had she showed me, our marriage and our family the basic respect all of those deserved, then, yes, I would have a
very warm, loving, special place in my heart for her. That’s what I wanted to have for her.
But, like this scummy, cheating, awful man that LaVeda married, she proved that she didn’t care for that, or me, our marriage, nor our family. She felt she deserved BETTER, MORE, and on a timeframe that only benefited herself and her affair partner.
We didn’t want to feel this way about our former spouses as chumps. Instead, we were effectively forced to, or forever swallow the multitude of shit sandwiches they wanted to send our way.
LaVeda, it’s ok to get away from this scumbag. He’s not the person you thought you knew. He never was. For your sake, for your children’s sake, get away from him as fast as is reasonable.
People like him and my FW XW only think ultimately about themselves. They’re lacking in good character, morals and ethics. You and your children need time away from this asshole. It’s hard to wrap your head around this, at first, but it gets easier with time (your head, that is. Not the kids’).
Best wishes to you as you take the hard steps to put distance between yourself and a person you loved and trusted above all others. It’s a sad story we’re all too familiar with. Lean on us. We’ve been there.🫤
Your “friend” needs to understand your FW ex wife is /was an abuser and nobody should demand you be friends with your abuser, male OR female!
She-FW can be just as horrible as the male ones and they can manipulate the mother angle to their benefit.
Of the several female FW I know IRL they’ve proven themselves to be selfish, gaslighting, badyparents post- divorce which is no surprise to any chumps that read here. I commend you for standing your ground!
Well, it’s true in a statistical sense that female abusers aren’t as physically injurious or lethal as male abusers by a long shot. But you still have to give the she-assholes their due for creating their own special kind of misery.
Social research on gendered styles of coercion and control show that toxic women tend to specialize in covert social abuse– basically engaging in stealth smear campaigns to socially destroy their targets.
In the best of times, this probably seems minor and petty. But as more social programs and safety nets disappear in our current neoliberal era and people who fall into hard times become more and more dependent on local communities for marginal support, I think we’re entering an time when “Dickensian” level social ruin is becoming a real possibility. And, like in Dickens’ time, people might actually die because of it. In that sense, the effed up “Karens” among us might be “coming into their own” in terms of their full destructive power.
This is why, in my view, a universal social safety net is incredibly important and individual charity isn’t a proper replacement, even if many people (especially among the fortunate and wealthy ones) strongly believe otherwise, apparently.
I agree, Archer, and thank you. That’s where I’m coming from. And she’s no longer a friend, really. Haven’t talked to her for going on what will be a year in early February.
Which was her choice, because I decided to get brutally truthful about how I feel about her FW husband. I did this because she was retiring from work, where I could talk to her only, as opposed to being forced to talk with her narcissistic, near-alcoholic, verbally abusive to her and an asshole to the rest of us English husband (well, he’s Welsh, to be precise), who thinks he’s God’s gift to the world.
And I couldn’t deal with him anymore, and I don’t know how she can. Ok, I guess I do, as the spackle is strong in her. And having spackled mightily for years about my FW XW, before she cheated on and left me, I understand it. But I can’t tolerate it any more.
So I told her how I felt about him, as compared to how I feel about her. Needless to say, she didn’t take it well. I’ve known her for almost thirty years as a friend. She’s not without flaws (who is?), but she’s a good, kind person. Who unfortunately thinks her husband is all he thinks he is.
It doesn’t hurt that he’s loaded too, I guess; although, she’s richer than him.
I also think a major part of the reason she puts up with him is she is so devoted to him because he is her only child’s father (they have one college-age daughter). And I think she really believes that if you mate with a fuckwit, you stick it out. Hence her subtle chiding of me for not at least being friendly with the FW XW.
And my harsh honesty about her husband at the end of our friendship flew in the face of her thinking, which I’m sure injured her pride. Besides the money and her prideful thinking, and his super-intelligence (🙄), what else you may ask keeps her with him? I don’t know. Maybe he has big genitalia as well? About that I have no idea, and I certainly hope I never find out!🤣
I miss her, and I’m going to continue to miss her, but I won’t miss HIM. My life is short enough as it is. I’m not interested in suffering assholes of any type in my life anymore. Even the husband’s of long-time friends.
At the same time, I’m trying hard to straddle being upright and honest with my friends and family, and not becoming an asshole myself in the name of such honesty. Because it’s really easy to do that, I think. Being an asshole but using honesty as your excuse, that is.
Anyway, thanks again, Archer, and I hope things are going well for you, and your family. That goes for all my fellow chumps. What a long, strange, awful (yet enlightening and personal growth promoting) trip it’s been (I’m not a DeadHead, so apologies to the Grateful Dead).
Ahhh she’s a betrayed spouse but not a Chump as in a member of CN.
That explains it all really, to some who choose to stay the friendship with a Chump becomes an uncomfortable reminder of their own rationalizations for staying with a cheater. Particularly true if she’s a rich woman, for it’s not as if she’s an uneducated woman in a third world country unable to divorce her FW.
I agree this whole sh*show has made me realize that life is too short to tolerate a**holes no matter who they are, and to devote my energy only to those who have shown me true loyalty, friendship, support, or love.
Sorry, couldn’t resist trying to be more clear, Archer. I don’t know for sure that she’s a truly betrayed spouse or chump. What I DO think is her husband is an incredibly selfish person, and does not really appreciate her.
Supposedly, his first wife cheated on HIM. I am not excusing a cheater, EVER. However, I can say that there are certain types of people that might make it easier to consider cheating on them, maybe?
Because if he never cheated on either of his wives (or girlfriends in his past, I suppose), it may only be because he’s so selfish, is totally wrapped up in himself, thinks he’s fantastic and is incredibly self-satisfied with himself (I may seem to be overstating things, but if you knew this idiot, you’d understand).
I truly believe he’s really in love with himself, like Narcissus. And would be happy to metaphorically gaze at himself in the mirror for the rest of his life (he’s at least 70 or a few years older).
He’s also possibly showing signs of Parkinson’s. So, my former friend may also feel it’s her duty to stick with him and up for him because of this, as well as him approaching the end of his life.
On the other hand, the thought has occurred to me that she may be waiting to get his money when he dies, as she may feel more than entitled to it for putting up with his awful behavior towards her for all these years (she’s nine years younger than him).
She’s also a little bit unhealthily fixated on money, which I believe is a FOO issue, but she has to own it at her age, and I don’t think she sees it. I’ve never felt comfortable being honest with her about that observation, I’m afraid.
Finally, let me give you another insight into her husband’s character. The FW XW and I used to live literally just up the street from the two of them (and their daughter), and her husband used to stop by our house or run into us around town because his daughter is only a few years older than my youngest, my son. And I’d been friends with his wife since before they were married, of course.
I’ve mentioned here before that my FW XW is a physically beautiful woman (or at least was. It’s been years since I’ve objectively looked at her, but I’m pretty sure she’s aged well. Unfortunately, the ugly in her has stayed only in her bones). Let’s just say she’s curvaceous (my former friend is also just as physically beautiful and more curvaceous, if you can believe it).
Every time my former friend’s husband encountered my FW XW while we were married, he couldn’t help giving her a creepy hug to feel her curves. EVERY TIME. I’m not going to say it’s to her credit, but the FW XW claimed to hate it, every time. I have to think he was doing it to every woman he fancied.
So, if he never carried on an affair behind my former friend’s back, it was only because he himself was not a prize, physically or otherwise. I honestly think my former friend fell in love (or lust) with him for the following things: he’s tall, he’s fairly intelligent (but this is marred by his narcissism), he’s British, and he’s worth a few million dollars.
I may be wrong about why she stays with him, but I was the one she confided many of his shortcomings to.
Oh, I forgot to mention that my former friend was a pharmacist like me (retired as of September last year), and when they got married, she supported the family exclusively. He sat at home, and other than taking care of their daughter while she was little, he did whatever he pleased (I guess he took some care of their child? Not that he didn’t get a lot of help from his wife, whose work schedule allowed her to be home a lot).
When their daughter was old enough for school, he continued to let my former friend support the family exclusively, and never worked, instead volunteering for things like helping with elections and being an usher for a local theater and such.
Basically, stuff that made him look good on the surface to some others, but was of no real use to their family (much like my FW XW, but even SHE worked, albeit mainly doing whatever she wanted to do, until my burning out in pharmacy).
And he drank. I gather it didn’t take drink (wine mostly, I believe) to make him verbally abusive towards my former friend, but it didn’t hurt it seems, either. And he demanded she maintain his lifestyle financially.
Basically, a selfish teenager masquerading in a grown man’s body.
There. That’s all I can think of right now, but I think that gives you a better idea of my former friend’s husband. Which is what I wanted to do, at 0400-0600 this morning, because my body woke me up!😂
Sorry for laying this on you, Archer (and CL and CN), but it helps me to get it off my chest and look at it more objectively by writing it down.
I hope everyone else in CN (especially Archer) is asleep right now and enjoying good dreams. I’m going to try to go back to sleep for a little bit and do the same. Peace out, y’all.😊
Yes writing things out can be clarifying. Everything you’ve written about your friend’s Brit husband only strengthens my belief he’s a FW, now that I’ve been reading this blog. It’s pretty common for FW to claim their chumps cheated on them and play the victim. At the very least he’s an abusive user.
I have a pharmacist friend who stays in a toxic marriage with a high earner who is almost surely cheating. We’re unable to be close friends because of her choice because we’re just not on the same path in life anymore, but at least she’s not a frenemy taking FW narcopath’s side.
I realized finally that when one leaves a cheater that action, while brave and healthy, causes cheaters and betrayed spouses who stay, to squirm with discomfort and distance themselves.
Wow, Archer, you responded quicker than I expected!😁 I don’t know why I expected anything, though. I don’t know you well enough to know your life schedule!😂 Just me being human, I guess, and making mental leaps that I can’t write checks for.😁
You wrote:
Everything you’ve written about your friend’s Brit husband only strengthens my belief he’s a FW, now that I’ve been reading this blog. It’s pretty common for FW to claim their chumps cheated on them and play the victim. At the very least he’s an abusive user.
It’s scary to me that you feel similarly to me about the former friend’s husband. Maybe it shouldn’t, though.
I’m beginning to believe that, much like the cheaters we despise here, there are a limited amount of ways that chumps are likely to respond to how we feel concerning FW’s, whether they be actual cheaters or proto-cheaters (I don’t think I’m taking liberties saying that, about despising cheaters. At least, I hope not!😁).
I don’t mean this as a bad thing. I simply think we’re human, and groups like CN tend to think alike. There’s no shame in that. The only shame in life is in doing something wrong, when you either know what’s right, or absolutely should know what’s right, and you do the wrong thing anyway (especially if it hurts someone else).
Like, I don’t know, um, maybe there was something written down a long time ago that pointed out you shouldn’t kill someone or steal from someone (which I think most people understand that there are certain exceptions to), or cheat on your spouse/partner.
Which I really can’t believe there are any exceptions to, except maybe in cases of true, hard-core abuse and in fiction, as it’s your fucking choice to do that. No actual gun is to anyone’s head to do that, metaphorically or otherwise, normally.
And surprise, surprise, I agree that he’s at the very least an abusive user.😊
And I’m sorry about your pharmacist friend. It’s baffling to me at this point, but maybe if my FW XW hadn’t exit-affaired me, I’d be in a similar boat. I don’t know, but I hope not. There but for the grace of God go I, and all.
And yes, I also agree that us enlightened chumps make many betrayed-but-sticking-it-out spouses/partners uncomfortable. I’d say that about cheaters as well, but my experience is more like 50/50 on the cheaters. Half of them seem to become avoidant, the other half have no shame and act like it was their entitled, divine right or, what’s a so-called normal person to do when their partner is just no longer up to snuff? Ugh.🤢🤮 Scum suckers.
To the OP: Put on the most Oscar worthy performance of your life. Do not tip off your abuser husband in any way. Pretend you are listening to his sad sausage BS and start planning.
EVERY single day do something, anything, however big or small, to plan your escape. It will also help you emotionally to have a To Do list.
Recently I ran into a friend whose FW cheated on her 16+ years ago while she was pregnant. She stayed. The sheer panic and terror on her face when I brought up infidelity (explaining my own divorce) was shocking. And sad. I saw how marriage policing and fear/anxiety never goes away if one stays.
Bear in mind that the current economic and political climate and attitudes towards women in general might be fueling your friend’s panic and fear of the consequences of escaping.
Happened to me! Plan your escape, get checked every 6 months as needed for STI or STD plan your exit, talk to lawyers, get their action plans. This kind of cheater has absolutely no conscience. You must take care of yourself and your baby. These guys say they are so stressed and have to pay for it and it’s your fault. Read Tracy’s book, cover to cover. Learn the blue print and get to safety. I wonder if they think you are trapped by a baby. Some make them on purpose. I’m so sorry it is such a horrific time. Hug your baby..and run for the hills as soom as you can
LeVeda, I feel your pain so strongly. I had one of many Ddays while I was pregnant with my second child. I was in my ninth month and had been told that day that my baby was likely 11 pounds and the VBAC I desperately wanted wasn’t going to happen. I was devastated. FW chose that moment to tell me that he had an affair with a woman from our friend group. If I could go back in time I would have left him right then and there. But chumpy me stayed with him for another 20 years. Many, many Ddays in those two decades happened before I finally smartened up and kicked him to the curb.
They do not get better. They do not change. In fact, they get worse. Get out while you can. Take your babies and run away. Trust us, the ones who have also been in your shoes, that you CAN do this. It’s terrifying, but you can do it. Big hugs to you!!!!