Husband Cheating with Escorts While She’s Pregnant
She’s pregnant and discovered her husband has been cheating with escorts. Now he says he’s hit “rock bottom” and wants her support.
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Hi Chump Lady,
I am 37 weeks pregnant and have just found out last week that my husband has been cheating on me with escorts.
He admitted this to me, only after I pulled it out of him.
He hired escorts during his work trips to come give him massages and hand jobs in his hotel rooms. I’m sure it wasn’t just “hand jobs” but he’ll never admit it.
What makes his infidelity particularly heinous is he cheated on our wedding anniversary last year. (He “didn’t realize” it was our wedding anniversary, even though we celebrated it the day prior to him flying out for his work trip) and he cheated on me with two escorts when I was 4.5 months pregnant with this child. We also have a 4 year old together.
He planned his cheating weeks in advance. When he decided to cheat on me while 4.5 months pregnant, he found these escorts on onlyfans and paid to masturbate to them the month prior and following his “hand job.”
Please, give me any reassurance to how I am feeling, my reality is breaking, and I spend my days screaming.
My husband seems to have hit rock bottom as he has fessed up to all of these things.
He believes himself to be a narcissist and has been trauma dumping on me. Yes I have had to console him so he isn’t a complete wreck around our son. Such bullshit. You’ve heard all of this before, I know.
I plan to leave and am pursuing divorce when I am 3-6 months postpartum and mentally stable enough to do so at the advice of my therapist and psychiatrist. My mom flew out to help me but I don’t know how I can possibly survive this.
I’ve been reading your book, am about halfway through, and I don’t know yet if you have any chapters on cheating during pregnancy. But it’s the worst kind of pain.
On top of all of this, he doesn’t even want me. He cheated on me, lied to me our entire relationship, hid a porn addiction, I am carrying his child, and HE doesn’t want ME. It’s such a mindfuck.
Fuck my life and thank you for reading
LaVeda
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Dear LeVeda,
If you can get out now, get out now. Can you go live with your parents after the baby is born? Do you have an intimidating cousin in the Mob who can throw your husband off a balcony and also arrange child care for the four year old? (I’m just kidding about the child care. You have your mom.) I fucking hate him for you.
Your husband is abusing you at your most vulnerable.
And that’s totally by design. Of course you’re in pain! Of course you’re beside yourself! You just had a D-Day at 37 weeks pregnant! There is a front bench in hell for men who do this. He’s risking your health, he‘s risking his unborn child’s health to get his dick wet!
Document everything you’ve discovered and give it to your attorney. (I hope you’ve retained one.) You’re going to need a whole support team right now. You need to tell your doctors that your husband has been cheating and to test you for STDs. Figure out if you can keep him out of the delivery room.
I know, this is like a heap of homework weeks before you’re due to give birth. I’d be screaming too.
For a moment, let’s dispense with the practical advice and just validate how terrible this man is. I know you invested in him, Sweetheart, and bred with him. You’re among chumps here. We get it. But this guy is a horrific misogynist.
Let’s begin with “he doesn’t want me.”
On top of all of this, he doesn’t even want me. He cheated on me, lied to me our entire relationship, hid a porn addiction, I am carrying his child, and HE doesn’t want ME. It’s such a mindfuck.
Oh, Mr. Dickdribble thinks he’s a prize? The human cum stain would like to inform you that you don’t make his loins tremble? And he would like to reject you for the offense of what? Having a pregnant body?
Vinnie! The balcony is ready!
Excuse me, I’m having very dark fantasies. Your husband is going on the offensive — attacking you for being undesirable when HE is a monster. It’s deliberate mindfuckery. Do not internalize his hatred. He’s trying to maintain the upper hand. Pretending HE is the decider and not a guy about to be handed a divorce summons.
Yeah, whatever Dribbles the Clown. Tell it to your lawyer. He bills in 6 minute increments.
Your husband has always been abusive.
What makes his infidelity particularly heinous is he cheated on our wedding anniversary last year. (He “didn’t realize” it was our wedding anniversary,
Of course he knew it was your anniversary. Bludgeoning you with an obvious lie is another way he maintains his power. Gaslighting, whatever you wish to call it — he’s not even trying to be clever. He’s leaning into pure authority. You’ll believe what I tell you to believe. He’s not a safe partner.
Speaking of unsafe! Let’s discuss his escort habit!
When he decided to cheat on me while 4.5 months pregnant, he found these escorts on onlyfans and paid to masturbate to them the month prior and following his “hand job.”
A million years ago, as a student, I took an Ethics of War class at the London School of Economics. The professor discussed submarine warfare. For a long time, the technology existed to kill enemy combatants underwater, but the British considered it unsporting. So, first the ethics had to change. A submarine is useless as a weapon unless you change your mind about sneaking up on ships underwater. They had to give themselves permission to do this.
Onlyfans and escorts exist. They do not make dicks wander. Your husband had to give himself permission to cheat on you.
He was looking for ways to cheat on you.
And this is an important distinction. Those sites are useless. They’re not weapons to hurt one’s wife unless you make them so. He wasn’t lured there by money-grubbing hussies. He’s a misogynist who BUYS WOMEN to HURT WOMEN. In particular, you, his wife. These are choices he’s making.
I could write a whole essay just on the men who buy sex. The older I get the more revulsion i have for men who do this. The more pickled in misogyny it seems. It’s transactional. There’s a huge power imbalance. These men don’t care if the women have zero interest in them sexually. The women don’t have needs these Johns have to concern themselves with.
It takes a special kind of FW to buy sex. You have one. And if I wasn’t afraid family court would come and bite your ass, I’d explain my divorce to anyone who asked with “My ex-husband preferred buying sex to having a relationship with me.”
I don’t know how I can possibly survive this.
You will totally survive this. You’re going to thrive without this guy. I know it’s going to hurt like mofo in the near term. But you’re going to model mightiness to your children that abuse is NOT okay. He’s a sperm donor and nothing more. You reject HIM.
He believes himself to be a narcissist and has been trauma dumping on me.
I hear you can buy an escort for that.
LaVeda, I am so sorry. I got hit with a very unexpected confession out of the blue, as well. Mine cheated through every one of my pregnancies.
Then he hit me with “I will never admit this on the record, and you can’t prove it”. And he was right.
You have taken advice from medical professionals. Please also see a lawyer and take their advice as well. Waiting a few months could turn out to be very detrimental to your case. You may need to gather hard evidence now, while your husband is off balance. How you handle things now may have implications for child custody in the future. You need advice from someone who had handled divorces like this in your area.
And whatever you do, don’t even hint to your husband that you’re thinking of divorcing him. He is feeling fine despite his act, and is quite capable of hiding and destroying evidence.
LaVeda,
First, what he admitted to doing physically with others is the tip of the iceberg. They cop to just enough to weaken us and make our heads spin so they can hide the worst. He didnt go to all that trouble an expense to have someone give him a hand job.
Secondly, your husband is a horrible person and completely lost cause. The extremes of his horribleness perform a really important role…very clearly mapping the path for you. All of this is ghastly but when they are slightly less horrible, they play a huge mindfuck on their Chump by looking possibly salvageable. The ones who go off a cliff clearly showing no hope of recovery allow you to cut to the chase.
I didnt learn the extent of my spouses treachery until after he was dead so I didnt make my decisions in a fully-informed circumstance…I thought it wasn’t so bad so I invested YEARS more in a f’ed up marriage when I could have been healing and making a proper life for me and my kids.
Cut swiftly with a sharp knife and dont look back.
I am so sorry. He is doing this now precisely because you are at your most vulnerable and need protection and love more than ever. Please don’t make the mistake I did and stay with him for the next twenty years. You will be chasing a mirage and denying yourself true security. It doesn’t matter how good they are sometimes/most of the time if they are capable of intentionally hurting you. He will never be a good father, either. Better to rip the bandaid off now and power through. I truly feel for you, been there. Enjoy your baby, that is true love that lasts. Hugs to you.
I could have written this post complete with p**n habit and escorts years ago except I did not know about FW narcopath secret double life back then.
Now I know he was cheating during pregnancy #2 and probably #1 also. He threatened to walk out on us when #2 was a newborn but chumpy me didn’t understand why back then.
OP it will be impossible to raise little ones while playing marriage police. You cannot parent effectively while being gaslighted – abused daily, vulnerable, paranoid, pick me dancing. This toxic stress will permeate the home.
Oh and I told everyone that I wanted to, the reason for our divorce because I’m describing the facts.
Your particular FW seems to have rehearsed his performance for D day by calling himself a narcissist, it’s not the get out of jail free card that he thinks it is. He sounds ready to weaponize psychology to smear you or make himself a victim.
You’re fortunate to have your mom. Lawyer up and prepare for the fight of your life.
The alternative is being discarded when you are much older, wasted more of your precious life on FW, and face retirement when you have not built a career. Plus you’d be modeling an abusive marriage to your children. Your psychiatrist is fortunately not peddling RIC BS. The road ahead will be hard but at least you’d be sane and free.
I’m so sorry you are facing this while pregnant. I’m glad you found CL.
I had a D-day on 12/6/2014 when I was 7 months pregnant with our only child. I remained married almost another 9 years before I caught him using a private investigator and filed for divorce. Sometimes I look back on that date (St. Nicholas’ saints day), and think that was the day my true gooey eyed love for klootzak died. We barely spoke to each other in the delivery room. I had no family or anyone to take me in and help me out. I think it is rare for chumps to be able to find such support.
LeVeda, if you can find a way out NOW and do it, I highly recommend you do so. However, if you must move in quiet to line up the ducks, go as fast as you can. Leaving with littles is hard but can be better in so many ways. FW will quickly tire of trying to parent little kids and you will get more time with them.
In my own case, I don’t trust klootzak to not be nuts (long story) but I know I have no evidence to show a court to prove that, so I had no choice but to accept 50/50 custody in my state that favors it. But now my child is 10 and can speak and tell me if anything is wrong. I got to tuck him in every night when he was little and not share him. But now life is so much better without a cheater in it every day.
In short, leaving faster is much better if you can swing it but if not, just keep putting one foot in front of the other to kick him to the curb. You can do it!!!
I didn’t find out while I was pregnant, but found out after. And yes, it’s always worse than what you know. Mine confessed to activity starting not very long after we were married, which translates to roughly the whole time we had been together. He cheated and paid for it through major moves, houses purchased, our daughter…the sort of big, bonding things that made it so inconceivable to me that someone could and would do this. But like Tracy says, the fuckers give themselves permission — either the ethics change or, more likely, there never were any to begin with. I tried to digest the information I had wrangled out of him for a few months but found it indigestible. Our daughter was not even a year old. If you have a means to get out, get out as soon as possible. Do not prolong the shitshow. Both options are terrible, I know, but one of them returns your agency to you and removes the cancerous carbuncle that is causing stress and other harms to you and your children. There is peace on the other side.
Hi LeVida – I’m sorry you are going through this. You are not alone. I discovered my husband’s “hobby” in 2014.
I wasn’t pregnant when I discovered his double life of using prostitutes and rating them online on a whore/john website, but I was pregnant a few years before discovery. He coerced me into an abortion. Now I know why. That’s a subject for another day.
Your husband is a lying, cheating piece of shit, and that is one of the nicer things you can say about him. Discovering that I was married to a “man” who is essentially a rapist, who had sex with very young girls that didn’t even wanna have sex with him, was the most brutally painful thing I have ever experienced. Full stop.
Get away from him. It’s gonna suck. But it won’t suck as much as sharing your life with this inhuman shit stain. It took me about 10 years for me to truly forgive myself for allowing him to fool me for 20 years into believing he was worth a second of my time, but I can’t imagine how much worse these past 10 years would have been had I allowed him to keep fooling me.
Fuck him. He doesn’t deserve to breathe the same air as you and your children.
Please leave as soon as you can- don’t let those pregnancy hormones mess with your reality- it will just get worse from here on in.
I know what happens when you don’t leave during this time and you definitely don’t want that.
You can do this- you don’t need him and neither does your child.
You’ll be so glad you did.
Agree with others that getting out now may be best, under guidance of a lawyer. As hard as it is now, it won’t be that much easier 3-6 months from now. You’ll have your hands full with a newborn and won’t have a ton of leftover energy to think clearly.
Also, do all of this IN STEALTH MODE. Do a search on stealth mode on this site, because you have to keep all the leverage you can.
Looking back, Cheaty McLiarface was repulsed by my pregnancies. I understand now it was because my body wasn’t all about him and all our children represented to him was more attachment to me and soul crushing responsibility. He resented me deeply for it. He used his resentment over my second pregnancy to build on his entitlement to spend time and emotional energy on the perpetual fantasy of the OW. He was essentially checked out when I was going through the most vulnerable stages of my life. What kind of “man” actively works to destabilize the woman who is carrying and/or mothering his child(en)? The same “man” who decades later tells people that he never wanted those children. Because if he says that he never wanted them it excuses all of his heinous behaviors… in his perpetually immature mind.
Me: Red flags!? Where?! Oh! I love a parade!
LeVeda, since your mom is there now, perhaps she can help you with the process of finding evidence, including theft of marital assets and financial fraud. If he notices, you can both say she’s straightening things up, or that you’re nesting and moving things around. It’s usually much better to get all the documents you can, including bank and credit card statements, before he goes further underground.
It will be much easier to do this now, while you have only one child, than after birth, when you’re exhausted and dealing with the round the clock needs of a newborn.
He’s admitted to paying for sex, and that’s theft of marital assets. What he’s told you is probably trickle-truth, and he could be paying for and doing much more. As a spouse, you’re entitle to know all about your family finances.
YOU have to console HIM? My ex pulled the same thing. I think it’s actually a form of duper’s delight, because cheaters are thrilled to continue to manipulate us.
If you don’t want him at the birth, strategize a birth plan with your medical provider. Can they limit your visitors to your mother? Can whatever child care you planned cancel at the last minute, meaning he has to stay with her?
Find out if the hospital, particularly Labor and Delivery, have social workers or case managers who can help. They’ve dealt with these situations before and can tell you what the hospital can do to help.
I’m so sorry you are going through this, especially now. I hope your delivery and divorce both go smoothly.
I share the disdain for men who buy sex to hurt women. But to me, cheaters all buy sex. They are either paying outright, or they are buying dinners, flowers and gifts to keep an adultery partner quiet. Hush money is hush money regardless of the mechanism used to pay it.
Yes there are a handful of adultery partners who are in the dark, excluding those; they and the perp know exactly what is happening, even if the words “keep your mouth shut” are never spoken.