Husband Had Affair with AI Girlfriend Based on Their Au Pair
Her husband created an elaborate fantasy AI girlfriend based on their children’s actual nanny. Now he says he’s come back to his senses.
***
Dear Chump Lady,
I’m 38, and my husband of 13 years is 37. We have two wonderful kids together—a 7-year-old and a 3-year-old.
Recently, my husband has been having a fantasy affair with an AI version of our au pair from Argentina.
This affair began to spill into reality when we were all on vacation together. I felt like the third wheel, as he was happy and charming with the au pair, and short and annoyed with me and the kids.
I confronted him about this when we got home, but he denied it all. He claimed that it was all in my head and that I was crazy — gaslighting.
He even gave me a list of grievances with everything that he perceived as wrong with me and how I needed to change to make our marriage easier — blameshifting.
This was all very suspicious to me because we had a solid marriage, and he had never mentioned any of these things before. The timing of the list made me even more suspicious. Why share this list only after I confronted him about having an affair with the au pair?
Feeling like he was still hiding something, I snooped in his phone at night and found evidence of an AI erotic role-play with a character based on our au pair.
I also discovered chats with Gemini, where he sought advice on how to give me feedback (the list of grievances) about everything I do wrong. In one of these chats, he even compared me to the au pair and stated that he objectively thinks she is a better person than me, his wife. I also found contemplative content about what if I wasn’t around, what if I had died or divorced him? What if he could live out this fantasy in real life?
After I discovered the affair and confronted him about it, his entire focus shifted to the au pair and keeping her safe.
I took the kids and left the house for a couple of days. During that time he told the au pair about the AI role play based on her and she was repulsed by his infatuation with her. She packed her belongings and moved out. I didn’t know if she was in on it. Thankfully, she wasn’t.
Now, we’re trying to reconcile. He’s doing everything right, saying all the right things. He even agreed to a post-nup. If he does anything like this again (an emotional or physical affair) I’ll get full custody of the kids and everything we’ve built together, including the house. He’ll only keep his car and retirement funds. I think he’s so certain he won’t do it again that he’s putting everything on the line.
I still love him and found myself doing some of the pick-me dance. Not because he needs to pick me up (she rejected him), but because finding that comparison comment broke me. I know I’m not perfect, but I’m a great person. We’ve been through a lot together. In addition to our two kids, we had a stillbirth and then a miscarriage and I thought we were a solid couple. We moved states, renovated homes, built our current home and overall we do well and have a nice life. I’m financially independent (I work and earn slightly more than him), so I can afford the divorce.
Why I’m willing to try: I still love him, and I don’t want to have split custody of the kids. It wasn’t physical (although it hurt just as much, if not more), and he’s doing both individual and couples therapy.
He seems genuinely sorry and understands that he just blew up our marriage for a freaking fantasy.
He’s also willing to sign the post-nup.
Could we be the unicorn couple or will one of us end up dead? I can’t help but be jaded by the Christine Banfield story. Maybe that would be me if the au pair reciprocated.
Sincerely,
Not the Au Pair
***
Dear Not the Au Pair,
I don’t know how you ever feel safe with your husband again. Let alone respect him. What kind of blazing moron pervs on an AI nanny? It’s not just pathetic (it’s really pathetic), it’s sinister.
He’s imagining you dead (conveniently!) He’s menacing a vulnerable young woman — far from home in foreign country — with his sex fantasies! I’m not surprised she ran back to Argentina! He’s victimized two women here — you and the au pair. And as we assess his character going forward, consider that what happened to you both wasn’t a “fantasy.” That makes it sound contained, walled off, a bit of creative fiction.
No, he hurt you in real time.
I took the kids and left the house for a couple of days. During that time he told the au pair about the AI role play based on her and she was repulsed by his infatuation with her. She packed her belongings and moved out. I didn’t know if she was in on it. Thankfully, she wasn’t.
She was ALONE with him. You’re (conveniently!) gone. She’s navigating this frightening situation, and he takes that moment of her extreme vulnerability to inflict his sex fantasies on her. Based on her reaction — he had NOTHING to go on here. He objectified her. He’s trying to bend reality to his whims. The au pair is repulsed by him and SCARED. Of course she ran.
This is important information about your husband’s character.
He’s okay being sinister and selfish. He’s not trustworthy around vulnerable people, but acts out of self-interest. Worse, he’ll press his advantage if there’s a power differential.
Now that it blew up specularly in his face, he’s pivoted to Plan B — you. Now he’s found his “sorry.”
Now, we’re trying to reconcile. He’s doing everything right, saying all the right things. He even agreed to a post-nup.
Saying and doing are very different things. Get that signed and tell me about his sorry then. If you have a window where you can get him to sign a ready-made, advantageous divorce settlement — DO IT.
But do not delude yourself into thinking this guy got a character transplant.
He devalued you.
This affair began to spill into reality when we were all on vacation together. I felt like the third wheel, as he was happy and charming with the au pair, and short and annoyed with me and the kids.
How do you un-know that even when things are at their best — you’re on a family vacation — he can turn on you? He has a mask — happy and charming — that he flips on for people he wants something from. And flips off for people who don’t matter. There isn’t a congruent person in there. Now he’s flipped on his “sorry husband” mask, because he wants something — no consequences for his affair.
I confronted him about this when we got home, but he denied it all. He claimed that it was all in my head and that I was crazy — gaslighting.
Again, he’s okay bending reality to his whims. He’s not lying — you’re crazy. What’s truth to such a person? There’s just what he wants and what he can get away with.
How can you ever trust a thing he says?
He even gave me a list of grievances with everything that he perceived as wrong with me and how I needed to change to make our marriage easier — blameshifting.
Any two people are going to have grievances with one another. Your faults, real or imagined, did not compel him to create a fantasy AI girlfriend. They didn’t compel him to blame you. Villainize you. Make you the big, mean mommy killjoy. He did that. Those were abusive choices he made. Those are the tools in his adulting tool box.
He kept his double life a secret.
Feeling like he was still hiding something, I snooped in his phone at night and found evidence of an AI erotic role-play with a character based on our au pair.
Do you feel safe with an escapist? Someone whose reaction to a family, financial security and holidays is MORE for him? Not content with these blessings, he needs a pliant robot. Everyone needs to fall into place and act their role. The au pair as sexbot. You gone. Or if you can’t die or get sick, admit your faults and exit stage left.
This doesn’t feel safe to me.
In one of these chats, he even compared me to the au pair and stated that he objectively thinks she is a better person than me, his wife. I also found contemplative content about what if I wasn’t around, what if I had died or divorced him? What if he could live out this fantasy in real life?
He is someone who tries to make his dreams come true. What if he acts on his “you’re not around” fantasy?
I still love him and found myself doing some of the pick-me dance. Not because he needs to pick me up (she rejected him), but because finding that comparison comment broke me.
You love the idea of him.
The actual him sold you out for an AI girlfriend. It’s normal and chumpy to seek comfort and validation from the person who harmed you. But the healing comes from YOU, not him. You can’t un-know how he wished you dead. And the mental gymnastics are torture to live with.
I know I’m not perfect, but I’m a great person. We’ve been through a lot together. In addition to our two kids, we had a stillbirth and then a miscarriage and I thought we were a solid couple.
You brought your A game. That’s the only person you control here. The fact that you bonded doesn’t mean that he bonds. For him, it could just be shared history. You’re the person ascribing meaning to that history.
Why I’m willing to try: I still love him, and I don’t want to have split custody of the kids. It wasn’t physical (although it hurt just as much, if not more), and he’s doing both individual and couples therapy.
A bazillion of us here have survived split custody of the kids and found that parenting children with our values was preferable to abuse.
‘It wasn’t physical’
Abuse doesn’t have to be physical. You don’t have to wait for it to get to that point. Goading you into a competition with the au pair, with his fantasy AI girlfriend, with anyone is destabilizing and abusive. Blaming you is abusive. Pretending it’s all in your head is abusive. Whipsawing you with his “sorry” after callously devaluing you is abusive.
This isn’t a couples therapy problem. The fact that you’re in marriage counseling means at some level you believe that it is. That the quality of the relationship is to blame for his abuse. That your marriage has some bearing on his character and ability to behave ethically.
In my opinion, you are not a unicorn. Press your advantage and get him to sign a settlement. See a lawyer and DO NOT TELL HIM to find out what your rights are. Figure out what’s enforceable and what isn’t. Do not put a clause in there that means you’re stuck waiting for more infidelity. You should have a ready to go settlement. Act in your own self-interest.
Then divorce him. He can complain to his AI girlfriend. She’s programmed to understand.
Not The Au Pair,
Seriously I want to throw up… You story is so scary. Your last line says it al:
“Could we be the unicorn couple or will one of us end up dead? I can’t help but be jaded by the Christine Banfield story. Maybe that would be me if the au pair reciprocated. ”
Do you seriously want to play Russian roulette with those 2 options? Christine Banfield’s story was your wake up call. You can’t trust this guy and you’ll live in fear if you stay in your marriage. Get free and get safe — do your best to get full custody of the kids but even if you can’t, he’s creepy enough that you will likely get them in the end. Be safe
Dear Not the Au Pair:
Don’t forget that so many of these guys future fake. My advice is get the post-nup signed Tuesday morning. My gut tells me that he won’t do it, or will drag his feet, which is the same thing.
Before you do, though, please have a bag packed for you and the children stashed with a good and reliable friend in case things escalate when you insist on a signed prenup. I am quite concerned that he envisions your death with such ease and equanimity. You know you are in danger, right? And quite possibly your children as well.
The only good news is that there is a unicorn in the story. It is you, a woman who cherishes her family and marriage so much that she is willing to consider re-engaging with a terrible man in order to preserve it. Too bad that he chose to destroy it. Please redirect your love and power to yourself and your kids and get safe.
CL’s comments are right on and I have so much empathy for both the wife and the au pair.
What is skeevy to me out is how BAD a person can sink in how they are conducting themselves while simultaneously convincing themselves that they are doing just fine (“I have my little fantasy on my phone but Im still a great husband and employer, Im not hurting anyone” while imagining his wife dead, being mean to her and dreaming of boinking his vulnerable employee).
He sunk REALLY low with seemingly no self awareness.
I get how we are culturally trained to see emotional betrayal as a lower concern but as a person who is 20 years out from DDay (and my former Cheater spouse is deceased), what really sticks with me is the meanness that he inflicted as he started comparing me to the fantasy of the moment or the abuse he inflicted when he had done wrong and he dealt with the cognitive dissonance of himont being who he claimed to be.
I so agree! This guy decided that creeping on the au pair and using her to create an AI life with her was a harmless way to indulge his fantasies. His attempt to bracket off his fantasies from real life failed. His AI fantasy life took over, to the extent he idealized the au pair and devalued his wife, and treated them accordingly.
What is noteworthy to me is that in both cases–the au pair and his wife–he was projecting onto, rather than actually seeing them as people. And, as you say, he shows no self-awareness of how “skeevy” both of these things are (e.g. the original choice to create a fantasy sex life with the AI version of the au pair, and that he would decide to do this in the first place).
Once you understand that your spouse is so self-serving as to be willing to devalue you in order to justify their own desires and choices, you have all you need to know about their character and your chances for repairing your marriage. Poor materials will always undermine good craftsmanship, and that’s as true for woodworking as it is for a marriage. Reconciling with this guy is like trying to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.
Dear God. I don’t understand how you can contemplate even for one second staying with this man. Forget all the AI stuff even, he *fantasised about having you dead*!! What’s his next sick fantasy, the children? They’re a nuisance and stop him doing what he wants to do? Oh, I wonder what it would be like if I didn’t have that responsibility, how free I’d be if they were dead?! Sometimes these monsters act out their fantasies. You need to get out, you don’t have a unicorn, you have a psychopath.
Narcissistic sociopath IMHO
This is so heartbreaking to read because this man chose fiction over reality, over his flesh and blood wife and kids. AI also works by predicting the most likely next word or sentence, so it’s sadly so predictable and unimaginative what he fell for.
Well said CL. He devalued you Not the Au Pair. And that’s a kind of hurt that cuts to the core. Take care of yourself, lean on the people who know your value, keep believing that you are a great person despite what he tries to convince you of. I keep saying throughout this whole ordeal “I’m so glad I know my value” and it’s true because he tried to reduce me to an object that was no longer useful.
I will say that AI helped me tremendously in my separation. It helps me stay BIFF with my communication, it helped me prepare for financial mediation by role playing as him over audio (I had uploaded his convos with shmooopie and me so the bot had context and his tone), and summarizing behaviour and patterns to come up with strategies for mediation and much more.
It’s a bit scary however how easily accessible it is and how many people don’t seem to mind that’s it’s not actually a sentient being, but just 1s and 0s flying across the inter web the way it was programmed to.
“this man chose fiction over reality”
And now “Not the Au Pair” knows that her husband is a person capable of falling down the AI rabbit hole. Not comforting knowledge, but a clarifying one.
My ex did something similar, although he fell down the internet rabbit hole before AI, and then brought the entire online sexual fantasy world he embraced into first his life and that of the woman I refer to as “the former student” and then into mine/ours, with similar effect: idealizing the object of the internet-enabled delusion as well as the willing ex-student, and devaluing me.
I did my best to contest this delusion of his, and thought I made some small inroads (he conceded some points), but from comments he would let slip I realized that he never really gave up his core belief in the delusion, whether from sunk costs or cognitive changes caused by his deep embrace of the delusion. That’s something I’d worry about in the case of “Not the Au Pair,” too: how confident can she be that having resorted to his online fantasy once, he won’t try it again, with a “safer” or “more remote” fantasy object.
I’d say if you’re even asking this question, then it’s time to go.
Not only is he skin-crawlingly skeevy, he’s deluded. He actually thought the au pair would be into that. He got so into his own AI-created sex fantasy he actually thought if he told her about it, that fantasy would become reality.
Good on her for rejecting him. I’d run back to Argentina too and I’m not even from there.
He’s not sorry. He just realized his fantasy object didn’t want him in reality and he doesn’t want to end up with nowhere to put his dick.
I understand why “Not the Au Pair” left home and left the au pair with her husband when she left (she thought the au pair might have been involved with her husband), but I feel really bad about the au pair, who was young and in a foreign country, and then confronted by a man amped up on a sexual fantasy version of herself. I hope the agency backed her up and she got the full amount of what was left on her contract.
I suspect he tried to rap* her
Not The AU Pair, you’re selling yourself short financially.
I’ll get full custody of the kids and everything we’ve built together, including the house. He’ll only keep his car and retirement funds. I think he’s so certain he won’t do it again that he’s putting everything on the line.
No, he’s not putting everything on the line. His retirement funds will grow, and the payout may be considerably more than the part of the house that’s his asset, even if the house is fully paid off. Remember, half of what’s owned of the house, minus any mortgage, is already owned by you.
This does not look like an equitable settlement. It doesn’t mention child support, and with kids ages 7 and 3, you’re facing a lot of expenses–medical, education, recreation, etc. You know what an au pair costs. And there won’t be a second parent to pick up the slack if you’re sick or the kids are sick or you lose your job. It doesn’t seem that he’s very invested in the kids if he’s so quick to offer you full custody.
Even if your house is fully paid off, only half of that is his asset. I doubt that his half is the equivalent of his retirement accounts when they pay out. The house value may decrease, or at least will incur significant expenses each year for taxes, insurance, and repairs/maintenance, whereas his retirement accounts will grow.
Also, who’s been paying the au pair? If it’s been coming out of “your” money, as too many couples do, he should pay his half retroactively.
Have a financial planner look at your assets and his to determine what’s equitable, especially if you are solely responsible for your kids.
Also, if your husband hid his fantasy affair and hoped it would come true, it’s quite possible he was also stealing and hiding marital funds.
It’s hard to accept that he wanted you gone. I agree with @MichelleShocked: Get free and get safe.
Great comment. I would definitely be double-checking all the statements.
This is where I noped out. (Actually I noped out when he “contemplated” your death.) But this statement tells you where his loyalties lie — and it’s not with the au pair. It’s with himself. He was more concerned with keeping his potential affair than he was concerned with your well-being.
I don’t know how he has explained all this, and I guess it doesn’t matter. But there is no plausible way to defend this behavior. He let you leave with the kids and tried to bed the nanny.
This sociopath only has loyalty to his d**k. He likes to buy women, buy what the strippers and escorts sell a fantasy where he’s King.
I suspect he did cheat already with hookers or others for sale and merely transferred that thirst to the young au pair so conveniently living in his home.
Why was he worried about keeping her safe? Seems like he’s projecting his own fantasies of harming or killing YOU.
Also, if the au pair left while you were away, you really have no idea what actually happened. She may have been in on it and left so he could have a fake reconciliation with you. He may have tried to rape her. Or get her to plot your murder jointly. You don’t know and you can’t trust him to tell you the truth.
That didnt occur to me and is terrifying. yeesh
My toxically empathetic self almost feels sorry for this man who seemed to not have any grasp on how this sort off thing becomes evil and destructive very quickly.
With regard to any sort of cheating, Im convinced that some tell themselves “I will do just this one harmless thing but I would never XYZ ” and yet before long, he chooses to do XYZ. It really is the slippery slope of all slippery slopes.
I also totally get why the wife left with the children but Im horrified at the idea of leaving the young au pair with no one to protect her
Not The Au Pair,
We can’t see inside of a person. If we’re extremely lucky, something happens that enables us to do so.
You got a certified letter, from the gods, which gave you a crystal clear window with a view into exactly who he is.
It’s up to you whether you want to ignore the memo or heed it.
I don’t recommend spending time (which you can never get back), energy, or attention trying to turn frogs into princes. It is impossible.
Who he is, is not who you wish he was.
It’s far better to be on your own or hold out for someone who is genuinely, sincerely, authentically ALREADY a decent, safe, trustworthy intimate partner.
THIS MAN IS NOT THAT.
I ignored the initial memo three years in, and found out at year 27, with counseling as a regular part of our life, where I found out he had been lying and keeping secrets the whole time, that I did not know the person that I was with, and that the secrets were darker and far worse than I ever imagined.
I am never going to tell anyone what to do, but after my experience I would NEVER EVER advocate someone staying after an experience like mine or yours or anyone who has been betrayed, deceived, and lied to.
♥️
“He has a mask — happy and charming — that he flips on for people he wants something from. And flips off for people who don’t matter.”
This right here. It took me ten years to finally apply the big “A” (abuse) to my marriage. After all he never hit me, or even raised his voice. What he did do was far more insidious when he decided that I didn’t matter. I think that many of us underestimate the potential of physical harm that we expose ourselves to with these delusional individuals.
After DDay #1 in my youth I should have divorced FW narcopath but being a pathological liar sociopath he fooled everyone with the fake remorse.
After or during kids FW had a massive p**n addiction I knew nothing about which eventually turned into decade long secret double life of hookers and escorts. And thoughts about a fatal accident for me.
So here I am gray divorced with kids earning a fraction of FW income. Because I stayed.
Get out now with the best settlement while he’s amenable to sign it. He likely has tried physical with au pair or hired pros**t*tes. The love you have for him is wishful thinking and will die a quick death once you go NC / gray rock and see clearly.
I know you are fearing life as a single mom but from where I sit, getting out at 37 alive with your own job and income beats DDay #2 when you’re older and more vulnerable. You have a far greater chance of re-partnering if you’re interested. You have time to build your retirement, to Gain a LIFE.
Above all, you won’t become a Christine Banfield.
Dear Not the Au Pair…
He is a cheater. The end. I know it’s hard to hear and the hope that “he’ll change” is there for many of us. Me especially. My FW is great at “the mask”… charming and funny in front of other people – to the point where I seriously have to shake my head and tell myself “this is fake”. People – my friends and family included – are STILL sometimes swayed by him. “He really seems to be trying”… ugh. Nope. He’s trying to look like a good guy. But underneath the mask – he’s just a FW. Keep repeating that. Good luck.
Not the Au Pair, This is scary. Have you considered that he may be “doing all the right things” so he can stay in the marriage long enough to contemplate your death some more and so the marriage would end on HIS terms instead of yours (like not losing the house or kids)? Please read what you’ve written and then consider if your best friend was saying all of this to you, or your sister. What would you say to them? You’d want them to be safe and you’d want them to get away from this man. He may seem stable at the moment, but it’s only because the Au Pair rejected him. What if she didn’t? Please be safe. Also, AI is not going away.