Husband Had Affair with AI Girlfriend Based on Their Au Pair
Her husband created an elaborate fantasy AI girlfriend based on their children’s actual nanny. Now he says he’s come back to his senses.
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Dear Chump Lady,
I’m 38, and my husband of 13 years is 37. We have two wonderful kids together—a 7-year-old and a 3-year-old.
Recently, my husband has been having a fantasy affair with an AI version of our au pair from Argentina.
This affair began to spill into reality when we were all on vacation together. I felt like the third wheel, as he was happy and charming with the au pair, and short and annoyed with me and the kids.
I confronted him about this when we got home, but he denied it all. He claimed that it was all in my head and that I was crazy — gaslighting.
He even gave me a list of grievances with everything that he perceived as wrong with me and how I needed to change to make our marriage easier — blameshifting.
This was all very suspicious to me because we had a solid marriage, and he had never mentioned any of these things before. The timing of the list made me even more suspicious. Why share this list only after I confronted him about having an affair with the au pair?
Feeling like he was still hiding something, I snooped in his phone at night and found evidence of an AI erotic role-play with a character based on our au pair.
I also discovered chats with Gemini, where he sought advice on how to give me feedback (the list of grievances) about everything I do wrong. In one of these chats, he even compared me to the au pair and stated that he objectively thinks she is a better person than me, his wife. I also found contemplative content about what if I wasn’t around, what if I had died or divorced him? What if he could live out this fantasy in real life?
After I discovered the affair and confronted him about it, his entire focus shifted to the au pair and keeping her safe.
I took the kids and left the house for a couple of days. During that time he told the au pair about the AI role play based on her and she was repulsed by his infatuation with her. She packed her belongings and moved out. I didn’t know if she was in on it. Thankfully, she wasn’t.
Now, we’re trying to reconcile. He’s doing everything right, saying all the right things. He even agreed to a post-nup. If he does anything like this again (an emotional or physical affair) I’ll get full custody of the kids and everything we’ve built together, including the house. He’ll only keep his car and retirement funds. I think he’s so certain he won’t do it again that he’s putting everything on the line.
I still love him and found myself doing some of the pick-me dance. Not because he needs to pick me up (she rejected him), but because finding that comparison comment broke me. I know I’m not perfect, but I’m a great person. We’ve been through a lot together. In addition to our two kids, we had a stillbirth and then a miscarriage and I thought we were a solid couple. We moved states, renovated homes, built our current home and overall we do well and have a nice life. I’m financially independent (I work and earn slightly more than him), so I can afford the divorce.
Why I’m willing to try: I still love him, and I don’t want to have split custody of the kids. It wasn’t physical (although it hurt just as much, if not more), and he’s doing both individual and couples therapy.
He seems genuinely sorry and understands that he just blew up our marriage for a freaking fantasy.
He’s also willing to sign the post-nup.
Could we be the unicorn couple or will one of us end up dead? I can’t help but be jaded by the Christine Banfield story. Maybe that would be me if the au pair reciprocated.
Sincerely,
Not the Au Pair
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Dear Not the Au Pair,
I don’t know how you ever feel safe with your husband again. Let alone respect him. What kind of blazing moron pervs on an AI nanny? It’s not just pathetic (it’s really pathetic), it’s sinister.
He’s imagining you dead (conveniently!) He’s menacing a vulnerable young woman — far from home in foreign country — with his sex fantasies! I’m not surprised she ran back to Argentina! He’s victimized two women here — you and the au pair. And as we assess his character going forward, consider that what happened to you both wasn’t a “fantasy.” That makes it sound contained, walled off, a bit of creative fiction.
No, he hurt you in real time.
I took the kids and left the house for a couple of days. During that time he told the au pair about the AI role play based on her and she was repulsed by his infatuation with her. She packed her belongings and moved out. I didn’t know if she was in on it. Thankfully, she wasn’t.
She was ALONE with him. You’re (conveniently!) gone. She’s navigating this frightening situation, and he takes that moment of her extreme vulnerability to inflict his sex fantasies on her. Based on her reaction — he had NOTHING to go on here. He objectified her. He’s trying to bend reality to his whims. The au pair is repulsed by him and SCARED. Of course she ran.
This is important information about your husband’s character.
He’s okay being sinister and selfish. He’s not trustworthy around vulnerable people, but acts out of self-interest. Worse, he’ll press his advantage if there’s a power differential.
Now that it blew up specularly in his face, he’s pivoted to Plan B — you. Now he’s found his “sorry.”
Now, we’re trying to reconcile. He’s doing everything right, saying all the right things. He even agreed to a post-nup.
Saying and doing are very different things. Get that signed and tell me about his sorry then. If you have a window where you can get him to sign a ready-made, advantageous divorce settlement — DO IT.
But do not delude yourself into thinking this guy got a character transplant.
He devalued you.
This affair began to spill into reality when we were all on vacation together. I felt like the third wheel, as he was happy and charming with the au pair, and short and annoyed with me and the kids.
How do you un-know that even when things are at their best — you’re on a family vacation — he can turn on you? He has a mask — happy and charming — that he flips on for people he wants something from. And flips off for people who don’t matter. There isn’t a congruent person in there. Now he’s flipped on his “sorry husband” mask, because he wants something — no consequences for his affair.
I confronted him about this when we got home, but he denied it all. He claimed that it was all in my head and that I was crazy — gaslighting.
Again, he’s okay bending reality to his whims. He’s not lying — you’re crazy. What’s truth to such a person? There’s just what he wants and what he can get away with.
How can you ever trust a thing he says?
He even gave me a list of grievances with everything that he perceived as wrong with me and how I needed to change to make our marriage easier — blameshifting.
Any two people are going to have grievances with one another. Your faults, real or imagined, did not compel him to create a fantasy AI girlfriend. They didn’t compel him to blame you. Villainize you. Make you the big, mean mommy killjoy. He did that. Those were abusive choices he made. Those are the tools in his adulting tool box.
He kept his double life a secret.
Feeling like he was still hiding something, I snooped in his phone at night and found evidence of an AI erotic role-play with a character based on our au pair.
Do you feel safe with an escapist? Someone whose reaction to a family, financial security and holidays is MORE for him? Not content with these blessings, he needs a pliant robot. Everyone needs to fall into place and act their role. The au pair as sexbot. You gone. Or if you can’t die or get sick, admit your faults and exit stage left.
This doesn’t feel safe to me.
In one of these chats, he even compared me to the au pair and stated that he objectively thinks she is a better person than me, his wife. I also found contemplative content about what if I wasn’t around, what if I had died or divorced him? What if he could live out this fantasy in real life?
He is someone who tries to make his dreams come true. What if he acts on his “you’re not around” fantasy?
I still love him and found myself doing some of the pick-me dance. Not because he needs to pick me up (she rejected him), but because finding that comparison comment broke me.
You love the idea of him.
The actual him sold you out for an AI girlfriend. It’s normal and chumpy to seek comfort and validation from the person who harmed you. But the healing comes from YOU, not him. You can’t un-know how he wished you dead. And the mental gymnastics are torture to live with.
I know I’m not perfect, but I’m a great person. We’ve been through a lot together. In addition to our two kids, we had a stillbirth and then a miscarriage and I thought we were a solid couple.
You brought your A game. That’s the only person you control here. The fact that you bonded doesn’t mean that he bonds. For him, it could just be shared history. You’re the person ascribing meaning to that history.
Why I’m willing to try: I still love him, and I don’t want to have split custody of the kids. It wasn’t physical (although it hurt just as much, if not more), and he’s doing both individual and couples therapy.
A bazillion of us here have survived split custody of the kids and found that parenting children with our values was preferable to abuse.
‘It wasn’t physical’
Abuse doesn’t have to be physical. You don’t have to wait for it to get to that point. Goading you into a competition with the au pair, with his fantasy AI girlfriend, with anyone is destabilizing and abusive. Blaming you is abusive. Pretending it’s all in your head is abusive. Whipsawing you with his “sorry” after callously devaluing you is abusive.
This isn’t a couples therapy problem. The fact that you’re in marriage counseling means at some level you believe that it is. That the quality of the relationship is to blame for his abuse. That your marriage has some bearing on his character and ability to behave ethically.
In my opinion, you are not a unicorn. Press your advantage and get him to sign a settlement. See a lawyer and DO NOT TELL HIM to find out what your rights are. Figure out what’s enforceable and what isn’t. Do not put a clause in there that means you’re stuck waiting for more infidelity. You should have a ready to go settlement. Act in your own self-interest.
Then divorce him. He can complain to his AI girlfriend. She’s programmed to understand.
Not The Au Pair,
Seriously I want to throw up… You story is so scary. Your last line says it al:
“Could we be the unicorn couple or will one of us end up dead? I can’t help but be jaded by the Christine Banfield story. Maybe that would be me if the au pair reciprocated. ”
Do you seriously want to play Russian roulette with those 2 options? Christine Banfield’s story was your wake up call. You can’t trust this guy and you’ll live in fear if you stay in your marriage. Get free and get safe — do your best to get full custody of the kids but even if you can’t, he’s creepy enough that you will likely get them in the end. Be safe
July 2025, James Craig was found guilty of fatally poisoning his wife and mother of six, Angela Craig. One of the arguments the defense made was that Angela was a Chump. She’d forgiven his porn addiction, she forgave him running the business into the ground, she’d forgiven him for infidelity in the past – so he had no reason to kill her.
Dear Not the Au Pair:
Don’t forget that so many of these guys future fake. My advice is get the post-nup signed Tuesday morning. My gut tells me that he won’t do it, or will drag his feet, which is the same thing.
Before you do, though, please have a bag packed for you and the children stashed with a good and reliable friend in case things escalate when you insist on a signed prenup. I am quite concerned that he envisions your death with such ease and equanimity. You know you are in danger, right? And quite possibly your children as well.
The only good news is that there is a unicorn in the story. It is you, a woman who cherishes her family and marriage so much that she is willing to consider re-engaging with a terrible man in order to preserve it. Too bad that he chose to destroy it. Please redirect your love and power to yourself and your kids and get safe.
CL’s comments are right on and I have so much empathy for both the wife and the au pair.
What is skeevy to me out is how BAD a person can sink in how they are conducting themselves while simultaneously convincing themselves that they are doing just fine (“I have my little fantasy on my phone but Im still a great husband and employer, Im not hurting anyone” while imagining his wife dead, being mean to her and dreaming of boinking his vulnerable employee).
He sunk REALLY low with seemingly no self awareness.
I get how we are culturally trained to see emotional betrayal as a lower concern but as a person who is 20 years out from DDay (and my former Cheater spouse is deceased), what really sticks with me is the meanness that he inflicted as he started comparing me to the fantasy of the moment or the abuse he inflicted when he had done wrong and he dealt with the cognitive dissonance of himont being who he claimed to be.
Same here. In hindsight, I remembered just when he started turning nasty to me. It was frightening. He was of course in the process of blaming me for his perfidy, and to blame me he had to start fights and start complaining about me. I didn’t actually respond to the agitating much, I remember quite a few times just standing there staring at him. That must have been frustrating for him, as he would always escalate to screaming, then storm out.
When mine turned nasty, I wrote it down so I would never forget that he truly sucked..for those weak times I later ram into when I missed him!! It is incredible to me how Tracy asks us to ask ourselves if this is acceptable to us…and then we lower the bar and lower the bar and make sick sick and cruel behavior ACCEPTABLE???!! That’s the frightening part.
Thank God, once he left the scales fairly quickly dropped from my eyes. I never missed him. Honestly, he just reminded me of a big old cartoon rat.
I so agree! This guy decided that creeping on the au pair and using her to create an AI life with her was a harmless way to indulge his fantasies. His attempt to bracket off his fantasies from real life failed. His AI fantasy life took over, to the extent he idealized the au pair and devalued his wife, and treated them accordingly.
What is noteworthy to me is that in both cases–the au pair and his wife–he was projecting onto, rather than actually seeing them as people. And, as you say, he shows no self-awareness of how “skeevy” both of these things are (e.g. the original choice to create a fantasy sex life with the AI version of the au pair, and that he would decide to do this in the first place).
Once you understand that your spouse is so self-serving as to be willing to devalue you in order to justify their own desires and choices, you have all you need to know about their character and your chances for repairing your marriage. Poor materials will always undermine good craftsmanship, and that’s as true for woodworking as it is for a marriage. Reconciling with this guy is like trying to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.
This is a gem: Poor materials will always undermine good craftsmanship, and that’s as true for woodworking as it is for a marriage.
Ive tried to make mahogany out of particle board more than one. No more!
This is just creepy husband’s dry run? I’d run and hide to see what happens when this disease progresses to maturity. It is going to be awful. Right now wife is educating her husband on what works and how far he can go next time. He is not sorry.
He’s made of smoke and mirrors, projection, mirroring, secrets and lies. Others are objects because he has no real empathy for anyone except himself. There’s no real solid person there just a black void of insatiable emptiness.
I’m paraphrasing the trauma therapist’s description of my exH a covert narcissist as she was urging me to run.
OP husband sounds the same.
Dear God. I don’t understand how you can contemplate even for one second staying with this man. Forget all the AI stuff even, he *fantasised about having you dead*!! What’s his next sick fantasy, the children? They’re a nuisance and stop him doing what he wants to do? Oh, I wonder what it would be like if I didn’t have that responsibility, how free I’d be if they were dead?! Sometimes these monsters act out their fantasies. You need to get out, you don’t have a unicorn, you have a psychopath.
I 100% understand how she can contemplate it. You have to do mental acrobatics to survive being married to someone like this, and this kind of minimization, dissonance etc just comes with the territory. It’s how he has conditioned her to think, because it works for him.
I do too, that’s why I called it the Siren song.
Some aspects of my DDAYS #2, 3,4,5 I haven’t ever posted here to avoid being doxxed but it’s as bad/worse as the OP’s situation. A long time friend was exasperated with me like “how can you possibly think of staying married after you found out xyz” on top ABC and other lies.
So I’ve been in that swamp full of desperation, hopium, fear, gaslighting and disbelief that OP is probably swimming in. I hope she finds her way out.
Me too. I completely understand it. The manipulation was so covert in my case, he was priming me to accept certain behaviours that in themselves were not problematic. Also the feelings that I had felt during the relationship were so real and true to me, I had never been so close and intimate with anyone in my life before the way I was with him, when discovery happened I just could not believe that it wasn’t true for him too, and that I had been in a relationship with myself essentially. That just seemed impossible. We had been through so much and he was always my rock. It took a lot of investigation and proof, some of it makes me want to vomit thinking of what he was doing and capable of, to shake the mirage away and see what a truly spectacular performance he had given. It also helped that he discarded me so completely in his actions that I couldn’t justify the cognitive dissonance. It takes a while to get to that place. I’m just glad she has found CN. We collectively carry the antidote to hopium.
Amen
Narcissistic sociopath IMHO
This is so heartbreaking to read because this man chose fiction over reality, over his flesh and blood wife and kids. AI also works by predicting the most likely next word or sentence, so it’s sadly so predictable and unimaginative what he fell for.
Well said CL. He devalued you Not the Au Pair. And that’s a kind of hurt that cuts to the core. Take care of yourself, lean on the people who know your value, keep believing that you are a great person despite what he tries to convince you of. I keep saying throughout this whole ordeal “I’m so glad I know my value” and it’s true because he tried to reduce me to an object that was no longer useful.
I will say that AI helped me tremendously in my separation. It helps me stay BIFF with my communication, it helped me prepare for financial mediation by role playing as him over audio (I had uploaded his convos with shmooopie and me so the bot had context and his tone), and summarizing behaviour and patterns to come up with strategies for mediation and much more.
It’s a bit scary however how easily accessible it is and how many people don’t seem to mind that’s it’s not actually a sentient being, but just 1s and 0s flying across the inter web the way it was programmed to.
I’m very concerned when people use it in place of therapy.
“this man chose fiction over reality”
And now “Not the Au Pair” knows that her husband is a person capable of falling down the AI rabbit hole. Not comforting knowledge, but a clarifying one.
My ex did something similar, although he fell down the internet rabbit hole before AI, and then brought the entire online sexual fantasy world he embraced into first his life and that of the woman I refer to as “the former student” and then into mine/ours, with similar effect: idealizing the object of the internet-enabled delusion as well as the willing ex-student, and devaluing me.
I did my best to contest this delusion of his, and thought I made some small inroads (he conceded some points), but from comments he would let slip I realized that he never really gave up his core belief in the delusion, whether from sunk costs or cognitive changes caused by his deep embrace of the delusion. That’s something I’d worry about in the case of “Not the Au Pair,” too: how confident can she be that having resorted to his online fantasy once, he won’t try it again, with a “safer” or “more remote” fantasy object.
That is certainly the issue, that she can never be confident in her trust of him again. If he is willing to sink to these lows, this lonely sad false fantasy to fulfil whatever he feels he is lacking, who knows what else he is willing to do. And that’s not even address the biggest concern which is the rumination of how his life would be if his wife was “gone”.
It’s most certainly an intimacy disorders my ex is a porn addict, met latest AP on mutual masturbation website , admitted in a moment of honesty that he should never work a white collar job in front of a computer, he was that addicted. Of course he swears he never said that but it’s ingrained in my mind because of the shock of hearing him admit it so flippantly. He also had an encrypted hard drive with over 500gb of content. I can’t even deal with the fact that he has explicit content of me, even content like me breastfeeding our daughter I am sure is added to his collection.
I can also relate to FW protecting the au pair. Mine similarly showed raw emotion only when I threatened to expose AP to her husband, he was very protective of her world potentially being shattered. Didn’t seem too worried about our 2 yr old tho, he told me the night of d-day that he saw an Instagram reel of co parents transitioning their kid between houses at McDonald’s — it was a fun time for everyone he swore. I was shocked, I had just found out about his affair after 10 years of what I thought was true love and many life challenges we navigated together (so I thought). I couldn’t conceive of not staying together for our daughter at that time (i hadn’t slept really yet).
When the mask falls, and we see them clearly, we are huge threats to them and I find they are less willing to put in the effort to put the mask back on. We are a lost cause, and become the source of their blame. They pretend to care about logic and our reasoning, but not much. They can’t be convinced. It’s a lost cause and now I save my breath and keep my thoughts to myself.
It’s been such a journey in understanding what some people are capable of. This whole process has both destroyed and renewed my faith in humanity.
Let’s just think about this half of naturerocks’s sentence. The one thing that will make someone with the character and personality disorders cut you out of their life for good is to seem them clearly without their mask. Some just discard their partner completely by walking away. Others chose the path of murderous violence, not only against a spouse but at times also the children. But either way, seeing behind the mask is a huge threat to them because the mask’s purpose is to get social approval and hide their inadequacy, shame, and lack of empathy even from themselves. Seeing behind the mask threatens both their self-identity and their ability to appear as normal in the world.
Exactly this. Stupid me understood this finally and just in time to get out, and I tell everyone about his murderous intent so he have less incentive to silence me forever.
I’d say if you’re even asking this question, then it’s time to go.
Not only is he skin-crawlingly skeevy, he’s deluded. He actually thought the au pair would be into that. He got so into his own AI-created sex fantasy he actually thought if he told her about it, that fantasy would become reality.
Good on her for rejecting him. I’d run back to Argentina too and I’m not even from there.
He’s not sorry. He just realized his fantasy object didn’t want him in reality and he doesn’t want to end up with nowhere to put his dick.
I understand why “Not the Au Pair” left home and left the au pair with her husband when she left (she thought the au pair might have been involved with her husband), but I feel really bad about the au pair, who was young and in a foreign country, and then confronted by a man amped up on a sexual fantasy version of herself. I hope the agency backed her up and she got the full amount of what was left on her contract.
Au pairs are teenagers or very young women. No, it wasn’t okay for the LW to pack up and leave the au pair with her creepy husband when she had no reason to think the au pair was “in on it”. Sounds like she was either not thinking at all, or on some level wanted to punish the au pair for her husband’s infatuation with her.
Yeah I thought that was horrible too leaving the au pair in the home when the OP did not know for certain or not of the au pair’s involvement. As an employer, the OP had a duty of care to the au pair, leaving her in a home with the sex-fantasy crazed husband was not it. What if he had attacked the vulnerable foreigner? That was a shitty lapse of character along with the actions of the Chris Watts/Scott Peterson wannabe.
Hi, OP here. Fair point. In the first 24 hours I acted on one priority: get my kids to a calm, safe place. I did not have clear information yet about what the au pair knew, what husband had told her or if she was in on it, or how she would respond. I regret how it looked and I would handle it differently now.
To be clear, the au pair had transportation, a phone, and support. We stayed in contact and she was able to go to friends immediately once she understood what happened.
OP, I don’t blame you at all. I think it’s a lot to expect for you to be taking care of everyone else while dealing with this level of betrayal and trauma. Your priority needed to be you and the kids. You’re not responsible for cleaning up your husband’s mess or babysitting his behavior. Would it have been awesome if you had handled this 100% perfectly and with complete consideration for the au pair who may or may not have been an OW? Sure, great, wonderful. But seriously, if you got your kids out safely without traumatizing them excessively and did not gouge your husband’s eyeballs out, gold star.
There is not enough information to think the Au pair is as innocent as the driven snow, was there flirtation or subtle encouragement? Was she in on a plot to replace the wife?
Given the news cycle currently about Christine Banfield, I don’t think a traumatized Chump is obligated give anyone the benefit of the doubt. Her priority is the safety of herself and her children.
Too many First world women don’t realize how many from developing countries are eager to shove them out of their comfortable live$$$.
Famous example is Wendi Deng Murdoch. The exchange student from hell.
My exFW created fantasies about the women around him out of whole cloth. They did NOTHING to encourage it. And yet he cornered them and tried to move on them. They were blameless. It is completely possible that this poor woman did absolutely nothing other than to exist in this scumbag’s orbit. Please don’t victim blame.
Or the guy is just your typical predator trying to take advantage of a vulnerable young woman in his employ? They’re not rare. I’ve lost count how many men have sexually harassed me, and I never encouraged any of it. Victim blaming like yours did make it harder for me to find help though.
When you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras. Young women are not plotting in droves to steal the creepy old men sexually harassing them at work, Jesus.
I said there is not enough information in the letter to know, in response to someone chiding her for leaving the home. I’m also a chump whose FW narcopath considered killing off, and with the much younger main sidepiece escort who’s illegally here so there’s my bias.
The chump’s duty is to protect herself and her kids so I think that instinct kicked in. Frankly it’s also not clear to me why she didn’t kick HIM out and stay in the house with the Au pair. But we all reacted differently to our worlds torn apart.
My guess as I posted earlier is that the husband tried to r*pe the nanny after the OP left with the kids.
The au pair program is based on the fiction that it’s a “cultural exchange” instead of a way for Americans to get slightly cheaper nanny services. This is a young woman the OP and the FW welcomed into their home and room responsibility. They were her host family. Who do you think is the vulnerable one in this situation? Maybe not the young woman who OP found no evidence was flirting back or having any interest in her husband in any way.
We look at one awful and very well publicized criminal trial and suddenly au pairs are all schemers trying to steal our men?
Respectfully, Vexatious, I don’t think this is “Not the Au Pair’s” fault. I say this especially because I don’t want her to read this and blame herself if that was not at all her intent. Putting myself in her shoes, in those first few days, I would’ve been in shock, perhaps not sleeping, with a sense of unreality upon having my entire world shaken. Without evidence either way, I would’ve done the same and left with the kids. The wife had no clue that creepy husband was gonna perv on the nanny the second she left; her mind doesn’t work like that. I’m sure she was just thinking self-protection & to protect the kids, and was bewildered who to even trust. It’s a scary world out there. Just look at the au pair in Christine Banfield’s case.
On the other hand, now that she knows the truth, it would be entirely appropriate to reach out to the likely traumatized nanny. In order to express her grief that her husband behaved so inappropriately, and to reassure the nanny that she was unfortunately so immersed in her own pain in those early days that it never occurred to her that her husband would do that (i.e., that she didn’t knowingly place her in harm’s way).
Yes, exactly. She could have had a talk with the au pair before leaving, giving the young woman a chance to say “Oh, shite no. Please don’t leave me here alone with him.”
I suspect he tried to rap* her
Seconded.
Not The AU Pair, you’re selling yourself short financially.
I’ll get full custody of the kids and everything we’ve built together, including the house. He’ll only keep his car and retirement funds. I think he’s so certain he won’t do it again that he’s putting everything on the line.
No, he’s not putting everything on the line. His retirement funds will grow, and the payout may be considerably more than the part of the house that’s his asset, even if the house is fully paid off. Remember, half of what’s owned of the house, minus any mortgage, is already owned by you.
This does not look like an equitable settlement. It doesn’t mention child support, and with kids ages 7 and 3, you’re facing a lot of expenses–medical, education, recreation, etc. You know what an au pair costs. And there won’t be a second parent to pick up the slack if you’re sick or the kids are sick or you lose your job. It doesn’t seem that he’s very invested in the kids if he’s so quick to offer you full custody.
Even if your house is fully paid off, only half of that is his asset. I doubt that his half is the equivalent of his retirement accounts when they pay out. The house value may decrease, or at least will incur significant expenses each year for taxes, insurance, and repairs/maintenance, whereas his retirement accounts will grow.
Also, who’s been paying the au pair? If it’s been coming out of “your” money, as too many couples do, he should pay his half retroactively.
Have a financial planner look at your assets and his to determine what’s equitable, especially if you are solely responsible for your kids.
Also, if your husband hid his fantasy affair and hoped it would come true, it’s quite possible he was also stealing and hiding marital funds.
It’s hard to accept that he wanted you gone. I agree with @MichelleShocked: Get free and get safe.
Hi – OP here. Thankfully, I handle the finances for our family and I’m acutely aware of where each penny goes. I think each of us keeping our retirement funds is fair. I guess the remainder assets are TBD.
QDRO and get it into your head he’s no longer your husband, your life partner, or even your friend
He needs to fork over money and lots of it. He is the enemy combatant, the mole, the double agent and you need to strategize as such.
A guy who’s readily giving up custody won’t be the good Co-parent you are imagining him to be.
Guess how I know. FW dropped the mask of decent dad shockingly fast too as we divorced.
Ask a lawyer. Do not DIY this.
I would be looking into a financial audit, frankly. A guy like this doesn’t turn dishonest overnight, and impulsivity takes many forms, not just cheating. Where has he been spending money the last few years? Cam girls? Gambling? Drugs? I’d want to know.
Great comment. I would definitely be double-checking all the statements.
This is where I noped out. (Actually I noped out when he “contemplated” your death.) But this statement tells you where his loyalties lie — and it’s not with the au pair. It’s with himself. He was more concerned with keeping his potential affair than he was concerned with your well-being.
I don’t know how he has explained all this, and I guess it doesn’t matter. But there is no plausible way to defend this behavior. He let you leave with the kids and tried to bed the nanny.
This sociopath only has loyalty to his d**k. He likes to buy women, buy what the strippers and escorts sell a fantasy where he’s King.
I suspect he did cheat already with hookers or others for sale and merely transferred that thirst to the young au pair so conveniently living in his home.
Why was he worried about keeping her safe? Seems like he’s projecting his own fantasies of harming or killing YOU.
Also, if the au pair left while you were away, you really have no idea what actually happened. She may have been in on it and left so he could have a fake reconciliation with you. He may have tried to rape her. Or get her to plot your murder jointly. You don’t know and you can’t trust him to tell you the truth.
OP here. He said he was trying to protect her from the fallout because we had previously committed to housing her after the program (she was to go to college). He even offered to move out to his parents so she could stay in our home. That is one of the most painful parts for me. In that moment, he centered her stability over my mental health and our marriage. I have been in touch with her – he did not try any inappropriate physical things.
He may have manipulated that decision as well though — her staying on after the program. Do you see how that is not the altruistic move he made it out to be? I’m sure he loved the idea of her sticking around!
Begging your pardon, but not trying ” inappropriate physical things” is a distinction without a difference, akin to thinking abuse is only abuse if it’s physical. Your husband gave himself free rein to imagine a young woman for whom he had a responsibility in ways that debased her. That is abusive and it is abuse. He then compounded his abuse by attempting to make happen in real life what he’d done to her in his fantasy life. Your husband abused her, just as he abused you. That he didn’t rape her doesn’t mean he didn’t abuse her.
OP, I would contact the nanny and find out what REALLY happened both before and AFTER you split with the kids. You can absolutely never believe another word your FW says. And hearing what the nanny says may help you to make the correct and timely decision here.
I have been in touch with her – he did not try any inappropriate physical things.
Exactly! You beat me to it.
Agreed, with the understanding that the au pair may not respond to any attempts at outreach, and that itself will tell you a lot.
If I had a dollar for every creepy old man who sexually harassed me when I was in my teens and 20s, I’d be retired. I learned the hard way that people reaching out for my side didn’t always have my best interests in mind and sometimes it was better to run and stay gone.
Regardless, this marriage is over and OP needs to run too, for her own safety.
That didnt occur to me and is terrifying. yeesh
My toxically empathetic self almost feels sorry for this man who seemed to not have any grasp on how this sort off thing becomes evil and destructive very quickly.
With regard to any sort of cheating, Im convinced that some tell themselves “I will do just this one harmless thing but I would never XYZ ” and yet before long, he chooses to do XYZ. It really is the slippery slope of all slippery slopes.
I also totally get why the wife left with the children but Im horrified at the idea of leaving the young au pair with no one to protect her
Not The Au Pair,
We can’t see inside of a person. If we’re extremely lucky, something happens that enables us to do so.
You got a certified letter, from the gods, which gave you a crystal clear window with a view into exactly who he is.
It’s up to you whether you want to ignore the memo or heed it.
I don’t recommend spending time (which you can never get back), energy, or attention trying to turn frogs into princes. It is impossible.
Who he is, is not who you wish he was.
It’s far better to be on your own or hold out for someone who is genuinely, sincerely, authentically ALREADY a decent, safe, trustworthy intimate partner.
THIS MAN IS NOT THAT.
I ignored the initial memo three years in, and found out at year 27, with counseling as a regular part of our life, where I found out he had been lying and keeping secrets the whole time, that I did not know the person that I was with, and that the secrets were darker and far worse than I ever imagined.
I am never going to tell anyone what to do, but after my experience I would NEVER EVER advocate someone staying after an experience like mine or yours or anyone who has been betrayed, deceived, and lied to.
♥️
Calling this man a frog is a grave insult to the slimey amphibians 🤣
If you want a Ferrari, and can have one, don’t try to build one out of a scrap heap from a salvage yard.
I can’t help but notice that the man faking being a husband has a fake AI side piece (and that’s just one you found out about and it’s always the tip of the iceberg….)
I was just thinking that me maintaining a relationship with my image of who I think someone is, or hope they will become, is not much different than them maintaining a relationship with an AI character they created….
IMHO, It’s best to be upfront, real, and authentic and to form partnerships with the same species and leave those lacking integrity to form associations amongst themselves.
♥️
I should add that Traitor Ex continues to lie to everyone about everything, INCLUDING THE THERAPIST HE STILL SEES THAT CHUMPY ME FOUND FOR HIM.
Going to therapy and AA and displaying the right books and using therapy-speak IN AND OF ITSELF means
NOTHING.
BEHAVIOR AND CHARACTER IS THE LANGUAGE TO PAY ATTENTION TO.
“LOVE” is a VERB. ACTION WORD.
I can love myself. I can love others. I cannot compel another person to love me, and someone who lies to me does not love me. They will be asked to leave my life.
Only people who demonstrate genuine love will be allowed access to me from now on.
As they say in nursing school, “Love has legs.”
Only people who demonstrate genuine love will be allowed access to me from now on.
I just got back from dealing with an elderly relative’s death. I had delegated some of the care of my relative to a long-term friend/neighbor there. I’ve known this person for decades. Her husband and one adult child were also involved. My relative was in an excellent nursing home, but they visited and monitored the situation for a number of years. I live many states away.
Well, her father, who lives in another country, became quite ill as well, and that stirred up some of her long-term mental health issues, partially tied to her mother. And being there, I realized that they had significantly pulled back from truly looking out for my relative. Thankfully, their overall care was fine, but there were glitches and long absences that they had not told me about when they went to be with her father and mother.
I ended up doing the lion’s share of work on the arrangements and got the estate pieces started, but this person is not someone I need in my life. Her adult daughter is a therapist and was also sounding the alarms about her mother’s mental health after the funeral. I see now why the daughter has put some distance there. The last dinner I had with the mom had some disturbing elements to it, and I cut it short after pointing out where her thinking was wrong.
So I got on the plane, and that’s that. We had some genuine love in the past, but I’m not really engaging again. Anyway, I had to think out loud a bit there.
“He has a mask — happy and charming — that he flips on for people he wants something from. And flips off for people who don’t matter.”
This right here. It took me ten years to finally apply the big “A” (abuse) to my marriage. After all he never hit me, or even raised his voice. What he did do was far more insidious when he decided that I didn’t matter. I think that many of us underestimate the potential of physical harm that we expose ourselves to with these delusional individuals.
He actually refers to it as a “mask”. He is an introvert naturally and at work puts on an extrovert’s mask and comes home exhausted from the pretending.
Street angel, home devil.
After DDay #1 in my youth I should have divorced FW narcopath but being a pathological liar sociopath he fooled everyone with the fake remorse.
After or during kids FW had a massive p**n addiction I knew nothing about which eventually turned into decade long secret double life of hookers and escorts. And thoughts about a fatal accident for me.
So here I am gray divorced with kids earning a fraction of FW income. Because I stayed.
Get out now with the best settlement while he’s amenable to sign it. He likely has tried physical with au pair or hired pros**t*tes. The love you have for him is wishful thinking and will die a quick death once you go NC / gray rock and see clearly.
I know you are fearing life as a single mom but from where I sit, getting out at 37 alive with your own job and income beats DDay #2 when you’re older and more vulnerable. You have a far greater chance of re-partnering if you’re interested. You have time to build your retirement, to Gain a LIFE.
Above all, you won’t become a Christine Banfield.
I think this is a smart argument for never getting to DDay #2. What you already know after a DDay is that your spouse will lie to you and cheat you (and your kids) of the love, time and resources that should be the foundation of a marriage. Do you really need to learn that lesson again?
As for remorse, talk is cheap. People hiding behind a mask are very good at the talk, and they’ve made a study of your vulnerabilities and weaknesses. They know what you want to hear.
As for therapy, this guy has some serious problems. It will take years to get to the bottom of how he used a chatbot to cheat emotionally on his wife and why he thought he could segue from the bot to the real nanny. He’s not normal. And finally, he’s had thoughts of getting his fantasy fulfilled by a convenient death.
Anyone in this situation should divorce, pronto. In 3 or 4 years, if he’s done the therapy and can show he’s fixed his judgement or character, you could try dating him again. But that’s work that he should be doing for himself as a man and a father, and not wasting your time as you wait for a change that probably won’t come.
And that goes for young people dating, who discover that their BF or GF has cheater. One and done. Let cheaters date people like themselves.
I agree, except for “… you could try dating him again.”. Absolutely not, why on earth would you?
I will say I have kind of need this fantasy to get me through the divorce. I’m telling myself “I don’t know what the future holds but I know I’m getting divorced now.” It stops me from going “But wait, maybe he’s changing.” Because I can go “Okay, maybe he is. If he is, it will stick and we’ll come back together later. But right now, I’m getting OUT.” And getting out now is really all that matters. Someday is for someday. And I suspect by then I will have no interest.
Dear Not the Au Pair…
He is a cheater. The end. I know it’s hard to hear and the hope that “he’ll change” is there for many of us. Me especially. My FW is great at “the mask”… charming and funny in front of other people – to the point where I seriously have to shake my head and tell myself “this is fake”. People – my friends and family included – are STILL sometimes swayed by him. “He really seems to be trying”… ugh. Nope. He’s trying to look like a good guy. But underneath the mask – he’s just a FW. Keep repeating that. Good luck.
Same here. My ex FW was a pillar in our community. Charming, won all sorts of leadership awards, “of the Year” awards, even was recognized for being an advocate for victims of domestic violence. As I saw him there being recognized for helping victims of domestic violence, (on the news, no less), I could have vomited. He never laid a hand on me or even raised his voice to me, but being a serial cheater IS abuse! The irony was not lost on me. No one, absolutely NO ONE knows the real him. It’s mind-boggling how they can keep up two different personas and feel perfectly fine about doing so.
Not the Au Pair, This is scary. Have you considered that he may be “doing all the right things” so he can stay in the marriage long enough to contemplate your death some more and so the marriage would end on HIS terms instead of yours (like not losing the house or kids)? Please read what you’ve written and then consider if your best friend was saying all of this to you, or your sister. What would you say to them? You’d want them to be safe and you’d want them to get away from this man. He may seem stable at the moment, but it’s only because the Au Pair rejected him. What if she didn’t? Please be safe. Also, AI is not going away.
IMHO the use of AI fantasy GF is merely a symptom of the underlying entitlement insecurity and grandiosity of the narcissist. He wants a compliant s*x slave who is always adoring and willing and thinks he’s HOT SH*T. This what men buy when they use escorts it’s being catered to and not needing to care about the orifice as a human. It’s the high of power and control as much as it is about sex
The point about AI not going away is so true and serious. There are multiple lawsuits out now regarding AI psychosis which have lead to loss of life and institutionalization (Psychology Today).
^having to use euphemisms here, but there are many harrowing stories out there.
Therein, FW using AI is additionally concerning as the bots are sychophantic and do not report abusive behavior. This can become a dangerous sideworld for his fantasies (it already is) – but the bots get worse (less likely to follow safety protocols) the longer you enage with them.
So, the AI piece of this actually has me more concerned. Others in NTAP’s life may downplay it because it’s not a real person, but it means he has unfettered access to a sychophantic plotting machine.
Exactly! It’s so creepy that he made her to look like the Au Pair. FW sounds like a psycho! I’m afraid for NTAP.
Not The Au Pair, this man is seriously twisted. He fantasized a relationship with the au pair and then tried to act on it.
He imagined you dead. He might act on that, too.
He does not care about your children if he is willing to give you 100% custody.
I find your story terrifying. You have no idea how much danger you are in. The men who kill their wives and children are often the ones who never hit their victim. They don’t raise their voices. They know they are different from normal people and they have learned to live behind a mask. And one day they get tired of the situation and then their wife and kids are gone.
Yes, try to lock down an agreement quickly. But if you can’t get an immediate signature on some kind of post-nup/divorce agreement then forget that and get away. Safety is more important than money.
Actually, in this case, the post-nup might actually be more dangerous, as he’s giving everything away vs. “disappearing” the wife.
That’s exactly what I thought! He’s agreeing to anything so he can take his time plotting to “unalive” her and be able to keep the house, the kids and whatever AI fantasy he has. I’d be nervous about leaving the kids alone with him too. What if they misbehave? Will there be an itemized list of grievances followed by AI fantasy kids?
There is no reason to get a post-nup with this man. It’s safer to divorce and get away while he is still telling himself lies about how he’ll her half the house or that now he’s free to chase young women.
Yes, just divorce. I agree. However, when I was leaving a scary cheater, he was amenable to a postnup contingent on me reconciling with him (or attempting it) and it was eventually my ticket out of there. This is why proper legal advice is so important. Things like custody or a lopsided financial arrangement probably aren’t enforceable (talk to a lawyer!) but if you can get an uncontested divorce settlement and then go? Whatever it takes to get you out of there soonest. Sometimes there’s a window.
Yes I had a couple of male attorneys who told me there was a window of some guilty feelings but it closes fast within 3 to 9 months then they’re uncooperative a**holes. so try to get a good settlement before then.
Exactly. But talking to the lawyer has to come first. Too many people think they can print a form off the internet or ask on Reddit and do it cheaper themselves.
This.
He’s delusional if he thinks young women are going to flock to him once he’s “available.” Take advantage of it now before reality serves him a brutal wake-up call.
Yes to this. Mr ex H FW narcopath who was contemplating a fatal accident for me was not a man anyone perceived as physically intimidating. Arrogant yes but he got away with the mask for a long long time.
I’m hoping HOAC will chime in with her great insights, and I hope the OP reads our comments!
Yes, I’m reading them all. Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts.
If you don’t care about your own safety (as you didn’t care about the safety of the au pair you left alone with your creep or a husband), then at least care about your children. Family annihilators think just like he does – they substitute fantasy for reality, they make grandiose promises, and they will do whatever it takes to clear what they see as obstacles out of the way.
Even if you think that’s overblown – you hired an au pair because you needed childcare and it’s cheaper than a nanny. What are you going to do now? Spend the extra money to hire a professional you hope won’t attract his interest this time? Quit your job to be a SAHP? The au pair agency has almost certainly blacklisted your family.
The youngest is now in daycare & the oldest is in after care at school. The cost is overall the same.
Chumpy not an au pair please run and tell someone, preferably many someones, relatives neighbors friends attorney therapist what your husband did especially the fantasy of you dead. With proof if you have it.
Right now, you’re the only person who has seen behind the mask. You in danger girl.
(Anybody here ever watch the anime Boogiepop Phantom? There’s an episode where a guy sort of shorts out mentally and starts to mistake his coworker for the girl he likes from a video game (think it was a dating sim?) he was playing and starts to treat her like the character from the game? Howabout the episodes from Star Trek Next Generation where the same thing happened? Getting those vibes here. No? I’m the only colossal dork here?)
You know, of all of the things I never thought I would have to pencil in to “talks to have with the next Ex-Mrs. Washington”, “emergent technology as new avenues of betrayal” was not on that list until right now.
I get the sense that “cheated with an AI bot” is the new “I can have a homosexual liaison with somebody because of some technicality in the wording in the Bible and it’s not cheating” or some such. Traitor logic is wrapped around technicalities, “it only counts if’s”, and “doesn’t count when’s”. Sigh.
Anyhow, Not the Au Pair-leave this idiot. Of course he preferred the au pair to yo! The au pair is paid to be professional (in other words, nice) and be unerringly productive and do what he says. The AI version? Same difference-programmed to be such (Three Laws be damned). People you pay tend not to have those pesky “wants and needs” that Traitors do not want anything to do with (as it detracts from their aggrandizement.)
He is going to do it again. Until the AI bubble bursts (give it like 3 years?) this is going to be an ongoing problem and it will always live in the back of your mind and in his pocket (“burner phone for sexts with non-existent actual person”? Other thoughts I never thought I would have to spell out.)
Have a Mighty Monday!
I’ve come to learn that they always always always just learn to hide it better.
Even so, the house has already been burned to the ground and it’s too late to call the fire department.
Thanks for your posts, Jeff. I love reading them and truly appreciate the wisdom in them.
♥️
Um. i hope the letter writer acts on the divorce agreement and especially not telling her husband as she plans a safe escape….because she is not safe and she knows it…..she is still dealing with the chumpy pitfalls of believing ‘hes sorry’ and ‘i dont want to see my kids half time’ but these are excuses we tell ourselves wghile trying to process our new reality….REALLY snap out of it — would you rather see your kids with no parent because you are dead and he got caught for killing you? I hope she realizes to be the sane parent means to get to a safe place to raise your kids as best you can but also maybe more importantly to give yourself a chance at real happiness and not living in an abusive relationship…..You never knew him….he was wearing a mask your whole relationship until he wasnt— not going to get better.
The kids are my main priority
It’s her children I’m worried about. 😱
Your husband has plummeted down a slippery slope that puts you and your children in danger. You were not cared about in any sense of the word when he put his sexual fantasies over your marriage and all of your well being. He does need help, but that does not mean you have to stick around to see what comes of it. This man has shown he has the potential to be a monster, please please do not wait to see the (entirely) possible outcome. You don’t even need the mindfuck that surrounds the will he or won’t he – it will suck the life out of you. As another poster said here, if you are asking that question you need to be getting the eff out. You’ve already seen what kind of reality it can turn into if it does goes that way. Look to the evidence of his behavior to put an emotional partition between you, and get yourself and your children safely away from him. You could always return if for some reason a unicorn exists (and evidence puts major doubts there), but you will be safe in the meantime. With distance comes not only safety but clarity. I have a feeling you will realize you are better off all around without the person your husband has revealed himself to be.
Do not sign that post-nup. A house is a liability, savings are an asset.
Since the post-nup is in the works, you could press the accelerator on that while he’s thinking positively about you, but know that you are very, very likely going to be cutting the cord entirely down the road. Make sure that you have an attorney who gets that reality on your side.
But frankly, I’d pass go and go directly to divorce. You could be in DANGER! Thoughts of your death could become reality. He’s delusional and has proven that you mean very little to him.
My ex played all the games and went back and forth for YEARS. After he took off for the last time, the reality gradually hit me that he was NOT a unicorn and didn’t have the capabilities that I was projecting on him. The only thing to do was cut him off. Thankfully, no custody issues here.
The fact you even have to ask if he could kill you is your gut talking. Trust it.
This man is dangerous. He’s a cheater and a creep who sexually harasses women and imagines you dead. You have NOTHING to work with.
You need an exit plan and a lawyer, immediately. Don’t tell him anything or I guarantee he will escalate or sabotage you (or both).
Or slowly poison you. I’d get you and your kids away from him immediately. You need an attorney TODAY.
P.S.
I was once the au pair in this situation, except it was a work colleague. Please please please do not for one minute think your husband’s had a change of heart. He only came back to you because she shot him down. You’re his 2nd choice. This is an insult and a dealbreaker. You can’t fix this.
In my case, the guy sexually harassed me thinking he had a shot and I immediately shut him down and reported him. He ran crying back to his wife and when she divorced him, he punished her by telling everyone she was a crazy drug addict who cheated on him.
You need to understand you’re dealing with a dangerous individual with no moral scruples and protect yourself accordingly.
Yes, I do feel like I’m the consolation prize and told him as much during a couples therapy session. I am taking until spring break (end of March) to detract to do.
You “feel like” a consolation prize because you ARE a consolation prize — to him. If the au pair had said Yes, he’d be with her now.
Decide?
No my dear you need to work on the plan NOW starting today. I thought the same as you wait until xyz school break and guess what? Had to run sooner. Fortunately I had things halfway ready to go.
What you do is work on the escape plan now, call some attorneys, get financial documents, important files stored away. Act like you’re reconciling to buy yourself time but don’t believe a word FW says!
You’re a sitting duck who must push your emotions, the terror aside for now in order to survive. Do something today.
As someone rightly told me, process your emotion later, gather all the documents etc. you can now.
Do not tell him and see an attorney. And make sure that any postnup/settlement is NOTARIZED.
Pre- and post-nups required that both sides have adequate legal counsel if they are to be binding.
Dear NTAP,
A generous post-nup may actually put you in greater danger if you stay!
My advice is get the post-nup, and then get out of Dodge quickly.
i think your FW is capable of anything…and not in a good way.
I agree. Pretend to go along with whatever post nup or counseling just so FW is temporarily pacified into complacency, all the while working on a divorce post haste.
I would talk to a lawyer before signing anything.
Dear#toomuchtogoon! You have a verified Freak there and another Shakespearen actor in full bloom. I even CRIED READING this, thankful it wasn’t me again. Thankful I am out and away from both my husband’s who tortured me like yours is doing to you right now. I AM SO SORRY but you should be packing NOW!!! Getting a solid post nup now!! If it were me, getting a divorce NOW. Chapter 2 will be even worse. If your life were a carnival where the guy is throwing knives and you are spinning in a big circle, that’s what you are waiting for. One slip of a knife from someone WHO DOES NOT LOVE YOU but absolutely knows all your Chump buttons. Just like my Ex did who wanted me dead in his dreams and kept guns under the bed, in the closet behind the bed and in his under pants drawer. And he was unstable mentally and living in a massage parlor IN HIS HEAD but also in real life. He knew all woman adored him, but me. I fell very very short. But since I did not think like him, I just sparkled. GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN. YOUR HUSBAND IS VERY DISTURBED. I’m sorry.
The moment you find out your husband is fantasizing about you not being around is when you leave him, for good. If the nanny hadn’t been repulsed by his overture, you might have had the same fate as Laci Petersen or Shannan Watts or Christine Banfield. After all, if he gets away with murdering you, he gets full custody, any money from your insurance, the house and the kids (and no child support to pay).
I don’t get it. The minute I would find out that my husband had his head turned by the nanny or my sister or anyone living with us, the marriage would be over. And to create a nanny bot to fantasize over? Just ugh. I certainly wouldn’t lay my head on a pillow next to him at night, trusting I would wake up in the morning.
Absolutely spot on.
Someone who loves you would be horrified at the thought of you no longer being alive.
HORRIFIED.
This FW thinks of you as an inconvenience. You are a thing who is of use and when you are not of use, you are merely a thing in the way of what he wants. And he doesn’t seem to care in what manner you would be out of his way.
I am not saying he would do violence, but I am saying that he has clearly expressed his unvarnished pondering of his life without you in it and was unbothered. When I was with klootzak and in love, the idea of harm befalling him would make me hold him tight and be grateful for him. Not look forward to life without him. So worst case, that FW would do you harm. But even the best case is that FW thinks of life without you not only as an option but also that it would be desirable. That FW does not cherish you. You are only now of use to him.
At minimum, you should not be married to someone who doesn’t deeply value you. At the other end, you should run from someone who would do you harm. There is no point on the spectrum between where staying with this FW is reasonable. So it must end and I like CL’s idea to get the post nup signed and then use it to file, per the advice of your attorney.
I’m maybe 48 hours from being divorced. It has taken over 2 years to reach this point. Along the way, I discovered klootzak had bottles of Viagra. His grandmother had a stroke and died. His father has had two strokes. Klootzak has had cholesterol and blood pressure issues. When I found the Viagra, my first thought was “OMG What if he keels over from a stroke?” And I wasn’t sad and worried. I could only think it would be the consequences of his actions. I cared only as much as I would about any other human being. I had only thick callus left where my heart had been for him. I don’t wish ill on him and would never harm him, but I sure as hell shouldn’t be married to him any longer after seeing the bottles of Viagra and shrugging. He has transitioned from my number one most important person to someone I used to know. When you are at that level of concern, you shouldn’t remain married. The deep love and commitment doesn’t come back. That ship has sailed.
48 hours to go after two years of effort to divorce. I hope it all goes smoothly, and congratulations!
Obligatory disclaimer: I am an attorney but not your attorney.
Not the Au Pair, are you in the US? This part of your letter worries me: “ If he does anything like this again (an emotional or physical affair) I’ll get full custody of the kids and everything we’ve built together, including the house.”
In almost every state, child custody cannot be pre-determined by a private agreement like this. You can put it in, but it’s not enforceable if he challenges it.
Additionally, super lopsided financial agreements like this are disfavored. You can have him sign it, but the actual divorce settlement will have to be approved by a Judge. Judges loathe lopsided divorce agreements and will attempt to flatten them out to make them somewhat equitable.
I think you need to meet with your own attorney (your husband should not be involved at all) and go over this. It sounds like you have significant assets that need protected.
Also, some non-legal personal advice: this won’t make him stop cheating, it will just make him hide the evidence so you don’t have the “smoking gun” you need to enforce the post-nup.
I’m in the US and am not yet fully versed in what a post-nup can and cannot be used for. I appreciate the advice.
I second this. Recently completed a post nup/partition and exchange. Don’t bother with anything custody related, except keeping track of your parenting time. Get your own attorney. Hire someone you would use in a real divorce. You’re basically trial running them for a divorce soon. Don’t let your husband talk you into softer, looser terms. Make it clear to your attorneys “this needs to stand up in a divorce. We’ll likely be there soon.” Make sure you get and include full financial disclosures, and language that says both of you agree that this is a full and accurate disclosure. If he’s hiding debts or assets this will hurt him later.
From comments it sounds like you’re smart, capable, a bad@SS at work, on top of family finances, I suspect you can navigate attorneys… you’ll be fine. Breath deep, move fast, put one foot in front of the other every day. Get safe. You can always reconcile later. (In the unlikely event you still want to.) Don’t worry about that. Right now worry about getting physically separate, getting money set aside separately, getting legal docs signed.
Hiding the evidence will make it even more exciting to him IMO. They are after all, the smartest folks in the room, just ask them.
Excellent points. And in a private email I raised similar concerns that such provisions are not enforceable and she needs to see an attorney (I’m not an attorney) and don’t tell him and start protecting herself.
Another thought: if your au pair had been an American nanny, you two (you would absolutely be named as well) would have a million-dollar workplace harassment lawsuit coming your way. Isn’t that enough to leave this man?
While you’re getting your duckies in a row, request your MIB consumer file to see if any life insurance was taken out on you (https://www.mib.com/request_your_record.html).
It only reviews the last 7 years, and only covers member carriers, but given his fanatasy includes you “not being around” – I would check. You can request one once a year for free.
Get out girl. The bonding you feel is real, but he is not <3
OP here – the weird thing is that we did just take life insurance out on each other. But it was my idea after having a coworker pass away.
Update the beneficiary information! I just moved mine temporarily to my sister until I can create a trust for our son. Took 5 minutes online. I dropped the update casually to my STBX.
Check for the kids too, I know a FW who took out a policy secretly on their child
Great suggestion. I would also advise she look through his papers to see if he has a policy.
Great tool! Thanks for sharing this.
Happy to share!!
Dear NTAP,
Even if you’re shell-shocked and can’t decide what to do in this precise moment, I think it’s great that you’re taking certain measures to protect yourself. It takes grit which is why I would recommend seeking support from a group or individual genuinely versed in coercive control (Dr. Christine Cocciola’s coaching network contains a state-by-state database and the Psychology Today website also lists therapists who focus on coercive control). In my experience, only people with this type of training really know how much “grit” and courage it takes to survive moreover escape this kind of abuse because only people with this training will recognize how elaborate and covert the tactics being used against you are and what the real risks are.
For one, as a mother of minor children, from the coercive control lens, the automatic implied threat underlying his attacks on your sanity and character is (imagine a spooky sing-song villain voice) “I could have you declared unfit and take our children away if I wanted to…”
There’s a reason the Supreme Court deemed loss of child custody to be the family court equivalent of a “death sentence”– because that’s what it feels like to normal, loving parents. Of course your abuser would deny intentionally lodging that threat but, when it comes to ape-like primitive power and control tactics used by domestic abusers, coercive threats and gestures come so “naturally” that they don’t require actual thought, planning or intent.
It also predictably works in abusers’ favor that most people will react with paralyzed shock to certain types of threats by those close to them. Like looking into the sun, the terror stoked by just the thought of, say, losing children to a vengeful abuser is so overpowering that most normal people will avert their eyes from even the possibility for fear of going blind or mad which is why almost all abusers will weaponize child custody or welfare to control their victims. This is all the more the effective when someone has just been blindsided and traumatized: it’s like our already taxed nervous wiring can’t handle the wattage of fearful thoughts like that.
As if the implied threat to custody wasn’t enough, your abuser quite literally wished you dead. That’s way too much wattage for most people’s nervous systems so I hope you consider getting support from an expert who fully understands the statistical risks you’re facing, the tricky tactics being used against you, why you’ll have to be extremely cautious disengaging, and can help you strategize for your own and your children’s safety even if this involves gradual or “quiet quitting.”
In any case, I’m with CL and everyone else in believing this guy is dangerous. I think that’s true even if he were to forever remain an ineffectual “Walter Mitty” version of Brendon Banfield/Chris Watts/OJ/Fotis Dulos/Scott Peterson (etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., back to the damn of time) and limits his betrayal and death wishes towards you to AI fantasy.
At the very least, I think he’s mentally dangerous. As I’ve spieled about before, back when I worked as a nonclinical advocate for DV survivors and was reading about the neuroscience of trauma, victimization and captivity, I started to gather that we’re all endowed with autonomic “risk management” faculties lodged somewhere in our ancient lizard brains that can pick up on unspoken or even “unconscious” ill intent in people around us and will consequently send off nervous system alarms such as panic attacks, bad dreams, etc., until we wake tf up and take sufficient measures to protect ourselves.
But this is exactly why abusers/captors specialize in random reward (love bombing)/punishments and implied threats in order to frog-boil victims/captives into psychological paralysis. This is how abusers manage to keep victims in states of fawn/freeze rather than crossing over into “fight/flight.” But that fight/flight impulse will still keep trying to break through.
The idea is that, even if your conscious mind buys into the hopeful sales pitch, your body likely won’t because that part of the brain is immune to conscious rationalizations and doesn’t like playing Russian roulette. Sort of like the virtual fight training program in the Matrix, your nervous system is going to keep trying to “train” and gear you for the fight it calculates is coming and won’t let you rest as long as the faculty perceives you or your children are still vulnerable in any way.
Then if you keep ignoring or misinterpreting the signals (which you would be strongly encouraged to do by blaming bystanders, ignorant therapists and, of course, your abuser himself if just because he won’t have the capacity or empathy to take responsibility for causing your “mysterious” nervous crisis) you risk gradually descending into adrenal collapse. This will likely come with increasing social isolation both because you’ll be increasingly exhausted, irritable and prone to health issues and because, if anyone close to your starts suspecting that not all is well in your marriage, they may pressure you to leave in a moment when you lack the energy or health reserves to deal with a crisis.
(As a side note, one of the things therapists and advocates trained in coercive control will typically understand is that escaping abuse is a process a bit like defusing a bomb so these professionals are less likely to use “bitch slapping” tactics or coercive pressure on victims to “just leave” unless the risk of violence is imminent. Instead these types of professionals are more likely to encourage incremental steps to shore up resources at a pace that individual survivors can tolerate).
Anyway, if you remain in emotional limbo too long, you risk becoming so physiologically worn down that the fight impulse turns inward and you start developing suicidal ideation, not out of a real desire to die but as an emotional escape hatch due to feeling entrapped (the same thing reportedly happens to people entrapped and endangered within repressive political systems). Then as your mental state becomes more fragile, the risk increases that you become emotionally volatile and reactive in ways that you didn’t plan and that your abuser can use against you because, being an abusive personality, he’ll be unable to resist the power this gives him to “crazy bait” you and build a case against your parental fitness and then use threats of loss of custody or involuntary commitment to control you.
Because our mental health and legal systems are still pretty much in the dark ages regarding “victimology” and quite wrongly and unscientifically believe that the above process of nervous system collapse only happens to people who were already psychological defective and “predisposed” to being nuts, this creates the perfect protection racket dynamic which effectively entraps victims within abuse and gives abusers very real power over their victims. If you follow the Substack accounts of coercive control experts Drs. Emma Katz, Elizabath Dalgado or the Youtube channel of Dr. Cocciola, all warn how domestic abusers are often facilitated by the very systems that are supposed to protect and help victims.
In short, even if he never lifts a finger against you and even if he never again (unlikely) succumbs to his stalkerish erotomania again or whatever you want to call that kind of predatory psychopathy, he is dangerous to you and the children and, sadly, the state of our legal and mental health systems can increase the risk.
Like CL says, you will never be able to “unsee” what lies in the depths if his creepy psyche. And given that he’s taken almost forty years to become this creepy and dark, even if he, say, joined some domestic abuser program and even if, say, these programs had a better record of “rehabilitating” abusers than they do (huge recidivism rates even with therapy and jail time), your nervous system reaction would play out in the same way. This is because, again, that ancient risk assessment faculty developed before humans had language, deals only in statistical probability and is immune to alibis, promises and the pozzy-positive mantras recommended by abuser-coddling RIC therapists, religious advisors and self help gurus.
There’s a concept that’s sometimes discussed in civil rights arenas, particularly in regards to mental defenses against systemic racism, called “double mindedness” where people sort of “hope for the best” on the surface by not rattling the cage too much– i.e., appearing to play along– while also simultaneously “preparing for the worst”– bearing in mind that the seemingly egalitarian colleagues and employers and community members around them may eventually express bias and betray in some way.
The idea always sounds to me like keeping a centered stance in martial arts where you’re ready for anything and also sounds like it requires a kind of mental training and emotional athleticism. If that’s all you can manage right now, I would urge you to keep getting social support in forums like this if it helps keep you sharp and clear as you get ducks aligned. Wishing you strength and safety.
Thank you for your comment – as a chump struggling to make sense of my mental and physical health issues – this puts things into perspective a bit. I will check the professionals you mentioned.
I can second the adrenal collapse. Been battling that, autoimmune thyroid issues and various weird, subclinical health issues for years. Along with lots of dreams about being trapped in mazes. The mind-body connection is truly weird and although they don’t always speak a clear language, our bodies and our subconscious don’t lie.
Oh, btw, I second the weird dreams.
My cortisol was so high even prior to D-day that my integrative doctor was afraid I might spontaneously expire before the age of forty. Though I was on the thin side to start with, I lost so much weight that I was banned from donating blood.
I also had several sports injuries that I usually managed pretty well but these flared so much during the gaslighting/DARVO stage that I couldn’t take a single step without pain. By the middle of FW’s icky secret affair, the pain got so bad that I actually envied people with carbon fiber legs.
The best cure for trauma-induced inflammation is obviously time and distance from the source of mortal stress (i.e., time and distance from POS abusers). But I also had a bit of luck overcoming trauma-induced autoimmune flares through the keto diet.
It started accidentally because one of my sons was put on a medical diet to reduce seizure risk. Rather than cooking separate meals for all the kids and myself, we all ended up eating “keto” by default because I was so, so tired. But borrowing my son’s diet improved things exponentially even before the post-separation horror was done with. Then my daughter reported less PMS symptoms and my other son reported improvement in seasonal allergies.
Anyway, this experience left me convinced that domestic abuse can easily cause cancer because I experienced the crippling hell of emotional trauma. It’s not just academic theory or internet myth. Abuse can kill even if they never take their hands out of their pockets or swing a tire iron.
Agreed! I have also experimented with the AIP diet and have settled into eating kind of Whole30-esque. But while I was still with him, it was like driving in first gear. Super-disciplined diets and supplementation worked a little to reduce the fatigue and immune issues, but I was pushing a boulder up a hill. When I separated from him, everything clicked. And now instead of beating myself up about not having a six pack (which he made clear was important) I love my body, eat to nourish myself, and appreciate my mid-30s mom curves and strong, healthy, feminine body. I’m rested, cognitively sharp, energetic… I kept telling myself before DDay that it was me, I just needed to work harder. Nope! “It’s not me, it’s you” was so true in this case.
Not that I ever thank adversity for finding health hacks but that’s mostly what inspires the “discovery process”– something horrible happening and hitting bottom.
Yes, the whole foods version of keto is basically a stricter form of the AIP diet, meaning not even natural sweeteners. But teen kids require a lot of calories so we weren’t doing the weight loss version. When the dust settled, I was even able to gain a few pounds and stop looking like Corpse Bride.
I suppose FW could delude himself that I gained weight back as part of the pickme death match when I learned he was a secret chubby chaser and because he’d begun picking apart my appearance and weaponizing my weight loss during the DARVO stage. He very coercively implied I had an eating disorder, ergo “crazy,” ergo “unfit parent.” I also think it undercut his campaign to cast me as some horrible castrating ogre and himself as wee widdle victim boy if I looked “so fragile.” The contrast was accentuated even more because the affair was basically a booze and junk food binge fest and both he and the AP had hefty matching beer guts and double chins by the time it blew up.
True to the adage about narcissists that every accusation is a confession/projection, it’s actually FW who’s weirdly obsessive about fitness and appearance and falls for every stupid bro fad and the AP turned out be severely bulimic. Meanwhile, neither my weight loss nor gain were intentional and had nothing to do with caloric intake. Fortunately my doctor could attest that I was eating well (i.e.,”not crazy”) because my nutrition panels were ideal which would not be the case in ED. But she warned that the stress was still burning up everything I ate.
So it’s true that the diet isn’t a magic bullet for traumatic burnout which seems to require time and distance away from all f*ckery and about half a year of good natural sleep. But the diet quickly made a huge difference for my knees. I went from trying to conceal a chronic limp to taking t’ai chi and dance again, walking everywhere and bounding up and down flights of stairs. That at least improved my outlook and cut through the gloom a bit.
My traditionally trained doctor had previously been skeptical of the diet but became very interested in it after noticing my blood pressure was even lower despite consuming so much fat and despite the adrenal crisis. She attended a string of medical conferences on keto and paleo and now has many of her patients on something akin. She’s convinced that the modern chemical sh*tstorm we’re swimming in is the main culprit in the “epidemic” of autoimmunity but mentioned some statistics regarding the role of domestic abuse in increasing susceptibility, like a “one-two punch” or “perfect storm.”
On her recommendations, I started cooking with Malbec for the rezveratrol though it’s always a challenge finding brands with no added sulfites since the latter tend to trigger the kids’ allergies.
Medical authorities say these diets aren’t cures for autoimmunity but I became so asymptomatic that whatever particular condition I have couldn’t be diagnosed. Labs show autoantibodies but they could only rule out Lupus and RA. I’m fine with it remaining a mystery as long as I’m pain- and FW-free. 😉
You do not have a unicorn. You have a nightmare in human form.
1) Your husband confused an imaginary role play AI figure he created for the au pair he employs. That alone is a giant red flag of red flags.
2) Your husband encouraged his own fantasy by creating lists of your imperfections and lists of his imaginary creation’s glories. He’s unable or unwilling to recognize that imaginary friends are always idealized compared to actual people.
3) He fantasized about and kept records how how much he wants you out of his life. Does that sound sane to you?
4) He acted out his fantasy by being sweet to the au pair while being crappy to you – and the kids. So… apparently the kids aren’t part of his future life with the au pair. Remember, a bunch of kids have been killed along with their mom when a family annihilator decides to start over.
5) He chases you off – then decides to declare his feelings towards his employee who is a young foreigner. I am so glad the au pair got away.
6) Now, he expects you to kiss up and make it all better – because that’s what he wants.
Get a rabid lawyer and get out.
Not the Au Pair,
My then-husband got on his knees and begged for forgiveness and swore he’d never lie to me again, and the whole time while he was on his knees, he was lying to me and still hiding things from me. I foolishly believed him, and all it did was buy him time to figure out how to hide his lying and cheating better. Your scary, murderous husband, by “playing nice and doing all the right things”, is buying time to get a better plan in place to replace you or harm you (and your kids). I waited and waited, thinking he’d change, and I almost waited too long; I got out, but just barely. Don’t wait for him to change, he won’t. While you’re trying to patch up the marriage, he’s mentally planning another affair. It’s been 16 years since my divorce, and I have never regretted leaving him; I only regret waiting so long to leave him.
Here’s the thing about post-nups; they may not be legally binding. If the FW took it to court and the court found the post-nup to be unreasonably lopsided and unfair, it could be invalidated. That’s what my lawyer told me, but it could be different in your jurisdiction. Check with a lawyer before you assume it’s bulletproof.
But the far more important point is that your FW is a sexual predator. You need to accept this. In fact, you do not even know whether or not he assaulted the au pair and that’s the reason she fled, not just because she was repulsed. How likely is she to immediately flee in terror over merely being hit on? Unfortunately, au pairs/nannies get hit on all the time by so-called fathers, so it’s unlikely to be a new experience for her. If all he did was talk casually about a fantasy, why did she run for her life? If I were you I would contact her and find out exactly what he did. Do not take his word about what happened. You need to know just how dangerous this guy is. Given he has been fantasizing about your death as well, it’s inarguable that he is potentially dangerous to you at the very least. You would be unwise to stay in this unsafe situation and that is an understatement. He is a psycho-sexually disordered freak and it doesn’t matter how sorry he says he is. Sorry is not going to change a freak into a normal, psychologically healthy person. Please stop rationalizing this decision to reconcile and reconsider.
I responded to the post this morning, but came back tonight because I had a nagging, unseltled feeling about the au pair and what happened to her, and I wanted to re-read OP’s letter. You nailed it, OHFFS. I agree 100% that OP should follow up and make sure the au pair is OK and hear what she has to say about what happened, as well as reimbursing her for her last minute flight home, which can be quite expensive, and some severance money. The whole situation just feels off. I’d send the kids to grandmas for a week until this whole situation is better sorted.
Great point about reimbursing her and severance. I also agree that the kids aren’t safe with that freak either.
I have kept in touch with the au pair once I learned she was not in on it. She corroborated his story. The kids got to say goodbye, I paid off her phone (that was on our family plan) and she is with friends locally trying to figure out what to do next.
Good to know. Thanks for the update.
My alarm bells are on fire. If he is thinking about you being dead- you need to run. He’s an abuser. That is super scary to me and I would consider finding an abuse specialist rather than a therapist. That is not an okay line of thinking by him. Bless you and take care 💕
Not The Au Pair, I am so sorry this happened to you. A few months ago, I was in a version of where you are now. Completely in shock, my brain in a blender, desperately wishing that the life I thought I had hadn’t been ripped from me, and bargaining hard. I feel for you deeply. You may find you feel very different in a few weeks.
As ChumpLady said, get the post-nup, partition and exchange agreement, whatever. And make sure to hire a real divorce attorney to represent you. My husband and I had two previous post-nups which I learned after his infidelity were unenforceable because they were poorly written and we did not have separate counsel. So, treat it like a real divorce document, and ensure your attorneys understand you want this to be enforceable, and may need it to be very soon. Don’t let him talk you out of that level of diligence. I’m sure he’ll try. Also, in most states, custody agreements are not enforceable in situations like this. The judge will ultimately rule what is in the children’s best interest. If he knows this, he’s stringing you along with promises to decide custody issues now.
What worked for me was to get physically separate from STBX. I insisted on a physical separation, both while we were negotiation the partition and exchange/post-nup and after. We didn’t go completely no contact, but I got my own place and restricted my time with him significantly. I found almost immediately that my life got easier and less stressful. Yes, solo parenting was easier than parenting our son AND keeping Peter Pan entertained. I also realized that I had forgotten what I liked. I began to reclaim my food, my sleep, my hobbies, the way I dressed. Then I started to ask when the hell I let him invade my brain and control this sh*t. Then I realized my life is easier, lighter, happier without him, and that if he were ever to reenter my life, it would be because he had changed and could actually make my life better. Eventually, I realized he wasn’t going to change, and now I’m divorcing him. So, get some distance. Not a few days, a few months. I used distance as a non-negotiable until post-nup was done. “I won’t even consider moving back in together until you give me a sense of safety with that document.” He became very collaborative.
And the line about whether he’ll Christine Banfield you? It’s insane to stay close to someone who causes you to think this even for a second. And I have to remind myself that every day as I extricate myself. I texted my sister and best friend today “If I die mysteriously, make sure they run toxicology.” We all laughed, because sometimes gallows humor is all you’ve got. But someday we’ll all look back on these moments (“I love him, I hope he doesn’t kill me, haha!”) and realize how surreal and insane this was. Your husband fantasizing about offing you isn’t normal. You deserve better than this. Your children deserve better than this. You will never feel safe with him again. RUN. It’s going to hurt like a mofo but there’s a better life on the other side.
Sending you lots of love.
Whoa I could have written your entire post! The old post nup, the physical separation which immediately lessened the daily poison of his gaslighting and influence. The reclaiming myself one step at a time, even just cooking food I hadn’t for decades because FW did not like it.
OP I would give anything to have run at 37, 38. It won’t get any better only worse and better hidden.
I was too devoted (and worn down) to walk away just on a hunch that he was making me miserable. So, I guess I’m kind of grateful in a way for him cheating? It gave me the permission I needed to go “how about we spend some time apart” and then, low and behold, life is better! I’m so glad to be coming home to myself. I forgot I rock.
I am ready to sign off on every word of CL a thousand times.
My two cents.
We live in the real world where every person is not completely perfect. Our inner world is extremely complex and contradictory. We, even the best of us, are not saints or angels. A real person who is in a committed relationship (beyond the initial “in love” phase), even with a strong moral core, is more or less constantly experiencing sexual temptations when come across members of the opposite gender, constantly fantasizing and constantly asking themselves “what if” questions. Alas, it is so. BUT!!!
We are talking about adults, not children or teenagers who are unable to control their impulses and do not take into account the consequences of their actions for others.
An adult responsible person with decent morals leaves all their fleeting sexual fantasies in them, hides them in the depths of their self and is ashamed of them, not to mention turning them into reality – physical or online actions against a particular person.
The husband of this betrayed woman is dangerous because his actions indicate that he never became an adult, that his moral principles allow him to lie, recklessly follow his momentary desires and ignore those to whom he is responsible not only according to the law but also according to the promises he made. He proved that the motive for his actions is a whim without restrictions and not logic and concern for his wife and children.
As for the therapists… I am sure that MC is absolutely useless in case of infidelity, as well as in general when trying to fix a relationship / marriage. If two committed partners cannot resolve controversial issues of their joint existence on their own, without the intervention of a third party (whoever it may be), then such a relationship carries the virus of an incurable disease and its death is only a matter of time.
I agree with everything Chump Lady says here, but something really disturbed me about your letter that I want you to sit with. You left her ALONE with him after this. You thought she might be into this – that is quite a step with no evidence. And it seems to have never occurred to you that with all this out in the open now and with you gone from the house and given OPPORTUNITY he might not be satisfied with AI fantasies anymore.
Fortunately nothing happened and the woman is safe. I hope you don’t stay with him. HOWEVER, I really want you to sit with this because yeah.
I see myself in you OP. My exFW is a self described “love and fantasy addict”. (Please understand that I think this moniker is BS, as is the support group that he attends for the “addiction”) My exFW contrived huge fantasies in his head about the women around him who “needed him”. He always placed himself in some Knight type of role, where he would swoop in and help these helpless creatures (none of whom were helpless at all). It was all a bunch of sh!t of course. But it caused him to try to cheat on me with my relative, a neighbor, a woman he saw each morning on the commute to work, a co-worker, and who knows who else. All, but one, who spurned his advances.
When we divorced I got everything in writing. Got everything I asked for. He is now suing me. Legal documents mean very little unfortunately. Get the post-nup signed obviously, but please know it is not iron clad. He can come at you (we’ve been divorced for over two years) at any time and try to take it all back. Your best bet is to GET OUT. Get away from him. He’s shown you that he cannot be trusted. Run. Run far and run fast.
I strongly feel like him imaging what his life would be like if you died should be understood as a threat. Get out as fast as possible and run for your life.
As others have brilliantly brought up here, your children’s lives are in just as much danger. He imagines you dead and imagines his AI au pair could be so real that he tried to make it actually happen. You and your children are in so much danger. I say do whatever it takes to get safely away and get your children to safety as soon as possible. Do not tell him your plans–your life depends on not blowing your cover,
The question you need to ask yourself is: what do you think would have happened if the au pair was NOT repulsed by his confession?